Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Period Horror Stories (w/ Toni Charline)

Episode Date: February 8, 2019

Periods suck. Toni Charline (UCB) joins Nicole to share all their embarrassing period-related stories. From their first tampon applications, to getting a period mid-Doughboys recording, and the times they've worn underwear incorrectly.You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

🎵 Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! 🎵 🎵 Oh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? It's a podcast where I try to figure out how I'm still single, even though you can put a thumb in my butt and spin me around. Oh, I really made myself happy with that one. My guest today, ooh, she's one with that one. My guest today. Oh, she's one of my favorites. She's so funny.

You've seen her on Birthday Boys, the UCB show. And she performs at the Upright Citizens Brigade with the team Bangerang on Friday nights at 8 p.m. It's Tony Charlize. Spin on my thumb, baby! Open up that ass! What a delight! Thank you so much for being here. I am so excited to be here.

What a dream. Tony, I adore you so much. I love you so much. You're the best, and you're in a relationship that's literally relationship goals oh you and your your partner your boyfriend your man your whatever you'd like to call him you guys um just seem so civilized well thank you really kind to each other oh that's so sweet yeah we try to be mindfully kind to each other. We also are bullies to one another.

Or we play hard, I guess. But it's definitely a mutual respect. That's a very sweet compliment. Thank you. You're welcome. I love that. And also, you're just so funny. I love improvising with you.

Oh, what a delight. Toni, I just think you're the best. And you got nice white teeth. Ooh, thank you. Every time I think of I got into coffee, I guess it's two years now. But I'm always I'm like, do I need to give it up? Do I need it? And every time somebody this is every time somebody's like nice white teeth.

So I I feel like I'm doing OK. You're doing fine. So thank you. You don't have to get it up. You're welcome. Did you ever have to do dating apps? I did not do dating apps. Okay.

I think I was single a brief time in where Cupid, the Cupid one. Okay, Cupid. Okay, Cupid. I thought that's what it was. Cupid. Cupid, the Cupid one. Okay, Cupid. Okay, Cupid. I thought that's what it was. Cupid. Cupid. You download a little baby that shoots people for you. Cupid.

Cupid. There's Dookie in a diaper. But I, no, I briefly dated this guy who was on Okay, Cupid. And I like signed up for a profile to kind of be like oh what's what's his profile but there was truly it was also something where we were in this weird relationship that we're like we have an end date we're like kind of dating wait you had an end date yeah where we're like this is fun for now but we need to kind of of end it. Oh. Did you say it out loud? Yeah.

Saying it out loud, I guess, right now makes it sound weirder. But at the time, we were both like, this is very mature. This is very great. But I signed up for it to look at his from an outside perspective of what would I see. To also help him out while we were dating? Like, like it was truly it was a weird time and I had never had a relation. OK, I'm just going to like wrap my little brain around this. So you were dating somebody.

Yes. Who you had had a conversation with and you were like, March 15th, we're done. Yeah. And he was on OKCupid and you signed up for OKCupid to be like, let me look at your profile and help you out. Yeah. Let me help you out. Like, let's see what we're let's see what we're putting down. Let's see what it looks like. And did you help him or her? I don't know him. Him. only hooked up with a few ladies um but did I help I don't think I necessarily helped I know I think a few things was like you're a very interesting great guy you seem to he would be like oh no no I feel like somebody might look at it he's such a great guy but was like I've been to Brazil

and traveled on train I've been to Brazil and traveled on a train I'm not doing it justice he's well read and way better than words I'm going to put that on my profile I've traveled to Brazil and I've traveled

on planes and have you ever heard of a train? I've been on a train. You know what a car is? Guess what? Four wheels, baby. I've been taking places. I might turn a V. But yeah, it was like one of those like hiking like pictures and like I'm traveled and I've had adventures

and he like maybe with some flowery language was like packing too much heat. I'm not good with words. No, no. I completely understand that because I've seen profiles where it's a man on top of a mountain.

It's a man with the Eiffel Tower behind him. And he was like, I'm only into girls who like spaghetti and traveling. And you're like, okay. Everybody likes traveling. Although I did get a DM from someone who was like, my boyfriend actually hates traveling, so give those people a chance. And I was like, what?

Who hates traveling? My boyfriend before Drew and before this guy hated traveling. What? Yeah. He was was just like it's just too much i was like all right okay i guess i can understand how you hate the act of traveling sure getting on a plane sucks everyone's on their worst behavior you're squished together with people if you're a fat person you're getting so many side eyes and sighs and they're like because they're like oh i can't believe your big body wants to see anything new. So, like, I get that.

But, like, seeing something new is cool. I can't believe your big body. Just roll in a closet. Jesus Christ. God, stay home and eat some cupcakes. I love traveling with Drew, who's my partner,

my boyfriend, is the best because it's, to me, like, and I have told him this many times

of like, I love traveling with you. Drinking on a plane, and this is, sounds probably dumb and silly, but like, drinking on a plane and this is sounds probably dumb and silly but like drinking on a plane was very new to me I was like and we would fly virgin a lot which was and it was like you could order food and drinks after drinks and he he had the virgin card so like

he's like it's triple the points. We'd be stupid not to, which is like, that's not how that works. But all right. And so it would be like food plates and champagne and tequila. And like it would just be like, oh, this the party doesn't have to stop. Like it continues in the air. And then you can just. Yeah.

It's fun. It's fun. It's great. I love drinking on a plane. Oh, my gosh. It's so fun. I also love eating on a plane. And I've tried to explain this to people. I'm like, it's like, I don't know.

I like to put up the shade so like a bird can see me and be like, oh, she's really living. Oh, look at that girl. Is that worms? No. No. I don't know what it is. Wow. She's got a whole plate of worms.

And she's drinking? I have to go down to the ground to get water. The pond. Do you think birds drink out of clouds because there's water in clouds? Oh my gosh. It's not a dumb question per se because I hadn't thought about it. I don't think they drink clouds. Okay.

If there's a scientist listening and they know about birds drinking from clouds, please tweet at me. Yeah. And let me know if birds can drink from clouds. Because, okay, so California is always in a drought. I'm like, why don't we just, like, take the water from clouds? Isn't there, okay, we're about to maybe both step into some dumb territory. Okay. All right.

I'm ready for it. Because I Okay. All right. I'm ready for it. Because I don't know anything. I'm ready. I feel like isn't there something that maybe I'm mixing conspiracy theories with like true knowledge and lack of knowledge. Where we can control the weather. Where like we could make rain clouds, but then you're kind of messing with the weather to where if we- Wait, we can make rain clouds?

Maybe not make them, but influence. Oh God. Do I sound like such a fucking idiot? These are two dumb women who really have gotten together to just be stupid. They're not completely wrong. Maybe this is my seventh grade history teacher who is insane. But I feel like it was like this thing where like you could put something in the air to make clouds.

Okay. So if you know about birds and clouds, and if you know if we can make clouds please tweet at me at nicole byer and let me know about making clouds but like we would take the rain but then that but then that rain was meant for another like place i'll stop i'll. This is also a history teacher. So, so. Also, why is a history teacher taking about rain clouds? I don't know, but I really love that this man's like, a break from history. We got to talk about man-made rain clouds. They bring them, but they're meant for New Zealand.

And they're here in America. And they're not meant for America. I mean, like, you're stealing people's water. So, like. Okay. Okay. I'm done. I'm done. Oh, this is America. I mean, like, you're stealing people's water. So, like... Oh, no. Okay, okay, I'm done. I'm done. Oh, this is wild.

I love it. That's the full thought. Oh, what a treat. Please let me know. I hope... I secretly hope somebody still tweets at you and is like, yeah, that's 100%. I hope so.

Please, if you don't even know, just co-sign this. If you make a rain cloud, you're stealing someone's water. Or if we can actually do that. Do you think we could do that? I mean, I don't know. The world is wild, and I'm not surprised when things happen.

I'm like, okay, sounds about right. The world is wild. Here's a question. When did you get your first boyfriend? Oh. boyfriend oh um i wasn't allowed i i think to date till i was 16 but i had like boyfriends before that so i think like sixth grade maybe not a boyfriend but like boyfriend in that sense of like we have crushes on each other and like we like held hands but we're terrified hold a hand so i would say that but like first real boyfriend was probably like 16.

what is a high school boyfriend like what a vague very broad question i never had me i'm sure different for a lot of people. For me, he was, oh gosh, he was a lot of cool things. He played the electric guitar and was in band and also played jazz band. He was the quarterback. Wow. What a well-rounded jock. Yes. He was also in AP classes, advanced management classes. Yes. Also, this was in Washington State. There was an earthquake once and he pushed me to run through the door and outside.

Outside. the door and outside so that's like the kind of gauge of a man oh man and i love it was it a bad earthquake it was like a pretty serious earthquake but like it it lasted a bit and you could like tell it was an earthquake but i like calmly walked out and was like, did you just push me? And then he grabbed my hand and he's like, it's an earthquake. And I was like, yeah, I fucking know. I love how chill you were about an earthquake. I really love that he pushed you out of the way. I constantly think about what I would do.

And I was with Marcy, our friend Marcy Giroux. We were driving, and she took a sip of water and coughed a little bit. I was like, oh, my God, did you just start choking? She's like, yeah, but I'm fine now. I was like, oh, boy, I don't know what I would do if you started choking if you were driving. I guess I'd open your door, push you out,imb into the driver's seat. And like drive. And Marcy goes.

E-brake and pull over. That's what she said. Or not E-brake, but like slowly. No, that's what she said. She was like, I would pull the emergency brake. And then like take the wheel and like guide you over to the side of the road. She was like, are you trying to tell me that you would push me? Unbuckle that seatbelt.

We were also on the freeway. Face first. And no other thought came to my brain. I was like, obviously. Well, she's done. Yeah. Unbuckle that seatbelt, push her out of the car. And then like.

I'd be stupid not to. Yeah. I need to live because she's done. Wait, would you then climb over and get in her seat? Yes. Okay. And close the door. Of course close the door.

And then I guess pull over and then try to stop traffic and be like, I pushed my friend out of the car. I don't know. You don't know. Now you know. Yeah. There's a lot of times where I truly cannot think of a better option instead of an insane one. I was trying to make a date with this dude and I was like, okay, so I have a show. So let's get dinner before my show.

I'll go to my show and then I'll come back to your house and fuck you. And he was like, what? Why? And I was like, i don't know does that make sense and he's like well i mean we could just hang out before your show or after your show and i was like oh that never occurred to me sure and i don't know why i make life so much harder than it needs to be but also why not do that because it really didn't make any sense

if I want to hang out with before I also don't want you to be at my show and then I want to fuck afterwards like yeah

but like we just hung out before and it was fine right okay and I just like went home after my show yeah yeah okay

okay I see yeah it was truly we'll meet downtown we'll meet downtown we We'll meet downtown. We'll go up and down a staircase. Take a lift to circle us around two blocks. And then I'll take a different lift to your house.

And then we'll army crawl our way across your driveway. I don't know. I guess I love just making a plan. Sure. A fun little plan. That's fun. I don't know. I'm constantly just making a plan. Sure. A fun little plan. That's fun. I don't know. I'm constantly just making no sense to anybody.

That's not true. Thank you, Toni. How many boyfriends have you had? Is that a weird question? That's not a weird question. I am a serial... Monogamous? Monogamous, I guess.

So I could probably like we are boyfriend and girlfriend I could probably count okay hold on give me a second you do something fun or we edit this song now I can't concentrate okay

one two are we talking like does junior high count? Yes. It does? Yes. Oh, man. Oh, wow.

Okay. All right. Okay. Okay. Keep going. I'm going to, this is too much pressure. I'm going to say maybe nine, including like elementary up until now. What a treat for you.

Oh, boy. I mean, kind of, but no, not really. That's a nice amount. Sure. I've never had a real boyfriend. So, okay. I, in elementary school, had crushes so hard. Sure.

I get crushes easily. Like, even now. Oh. But nothing I would never act on or be, like, even horny for. But, like, oh, I think you're, like, so talented and fun, but nothing. And it'll go away within hours. But little fluttery, like, oh, I have a crush or I think you're so cool, but nothing. Is that wrong?

I don't think so. I don't think so. I think I've never been in a relationship, so I forgot that even though you have someone, you can look at somebody else and be like, oh, you're a real treat and a dream and I like you and I got a little crush but like I'm not going to act on it because I do have this person yeah and I'm also like for me I also don't want to necessarily

act on it like even when I would be like single during obviously a breakup onto my next relationship I would like maybe be at a bar and a guy would like approach me and I would think he's so handsome and like stuff. And I would just be like, bye. Like I couldn't like, there was no like, I don't know. I guess those are two different

situations as far as like having a crush in a relationship or out of a relationship. There's nothing, like I said, horny or sexy about it or anything I would physically want to act on other than like, oh, you're just a fun crush. You're just a silly thing. Whenever I get a crush, I'm always trying to act on it. I'm always real horned up. But that's different. Yeah, when you're not in a relationship or you're horny

and you like have a crush. Absolutely. I think that's so fun. Do you think it's fun to have crushes? Yes and no. Yeah. I feel like it's fun to have a crush. But then when you're like, is it reciprocated?

Do you like it? I guess I'll just ask you out. Yeah. You said no. I guess I kill myself. Oh, boy. That's never fun. In elementary school, I loved these.

I'll say their real names if you're out there listening. Let me know what you felt about me in elementary school. Keith Laub, Matt Drury, Mike Lindy. I loved those three boys. Oh, so, so much. And I can't find them on Facebook or anywhere yeah so who knows if they passed away yeah my the guy that i dated in high school for a few years um last i knew was selling vacuum cleaners uh and like i was also head over heels for this guy i and and was also not like taught about relationship and

like sexuality like i grew up in a very uh a laid-back open yet religious like family uh and anyways um i think i grew up the same way like my mother was a Christian we had to go to church every Sunday we went to Sunday school we went to fucking vacation Bible school I was in the goddamn choir I had to be an usher which is stupid because people know what a seat is like they're not assigned seats in a church

it's not like a concert but my mother was like pretty open about stuff and we talked about sex and we talked about like my period and whatnot. Nothing was like a true blue mystery except for tampons. Oh, yeah. I remember when I my mom's a nurse and I think was very. Yeah.

Also open. I was on the dance. I went to a Baptist Pentecostal church. And so, yeah, it got real nuts. But I remember being like, I want to use a tampon. And she's like, okay, well, that's, you know, usually for people. And I wasn't having sex or anything at all. It was just felt more adult. My mother just said to me, she was like, you don't want to use those. And I think it was like toxic shock syndrome. I think that was her thing. I don't think it had anything to do with sex.

I was scared of that for a while. Yeah. But the first time I put a tampon in, I don't know if I've talked about this. But anyway, I didn't realize the applicator pushed it in you. So I took the bottom out and I was like, well, I guess I don't need that. And then I shoved the whole thing in me, cardboard and all, was laying down on my back because I was like, that seems right. Yeah. And then I stood up with cardboard inside of me and was like, I don't know how women do this.

This must be why my mother said no, because my vagina is not ready to carry cardboard around. Right. Also, I wasn't even on my period. I just wanted to figure out how it worked. And I wore it for maybe 15, 20 minutes before I was like, this is the most painful thing I've ever had in my body. And then I took it out and then didn't use tampons for a very long time until my friend Tess used OB tampons.

And she's like, there is no applicator. And I was like, oh, so how does that work? She's like, you just shove it up there. And I was like, oh, cool. And then I figured out how an applicator works maybe at the age of 20 yeah i feel like mine was later too i wore thongs backwards for a long time like i feel like i had to sneak thongs and then I wore them backwards for so long. That's really funny. Like, past, like, probably until 18.

Who told you that you were wearing it wrong? Or did you see? I saw. But I always thought, like, G string. Like, there's a string and then it's, like, I don't remember how I, like, realized. and then it's like, I don't remember how I realized. Maybe I saw another girl and I was like, is that what we're doing?

I mean, it makes sense because the tag's in the back, but sometimes the tags are in different places. Sometimes they're on the side. Yeah, exactly. Did you get changed in high school for Jim with your thong on backwards? I hope that happened and women, or the girls in your class were like wait maybe i'm wrong tony seems to have it all figured they might have i did play a lot of sports and like

was very confident person so i feel like maybe nobody ever said anything either that is very i remember seeing my first thong in high school and being like, wow, they're really doing it. Because it was like people were blowing each other and like having sex. And I was like, and they're also all wearing thongs. So I guess I have to get me a thong. So I stole a thong. I still have my first thong that I stole. Oh my gosh, really?

I am a hoarder light. I love keeping things like specific truly don't mean anything but like mean something it was silver or it is i own it still it's silver kind of roughly on the sides with ladybugs on it and it was too small but it was the biggest size in the store and it barely fit me and truly it looked like i wasn't wearing any underwear when I wore it. I wore two smaller thongs, too. Like, where it just didn't, it wasn't sexy. It wasn't sexy and it's not comfortable. And you're just like, it's in my butt.

It lives in my butt. Yeah. And it kind of hurts my butt. I love thongs now. I mean, for a long time. I love them. I don't like them. I just, it feels, I guess I have a big butt, so like my butt eats it anyway.

Sure. So it just, it's not comfy cozy for me. Yeah, it just feels like there's something there. Okay. But people love a thong. I love a thong. Not for me. Full brief.

A full high-waisted brief is what I like. I think I get what that is. Full high waisted brief is what I like. I think I get what that is. Well, because there's like brief boy cut. I know boy cut. And then there's. Brief boy cut, high leg, a Hanes pack of 10.

Yeah. That's what I'm more thinking. That's basically what I wear. I also buy them two sizes too big. So they're kind of loose really why i don't know i uh i was on the swim team from oh wait we gotta take a break yay and we're back okay so you were on the swim team. I was on the swim team from the age of five till forever. And the bathing suits would get a real baggy butt. But I would go to swim parties and wear my one piece like baggy swim suit and just not give a fuck.

I love it it would truly be like i i don't know why i was just not concerned with like there was there was just other options and i was like oh yeah no my swim team swimsuit with my i wear that's what i wear if you're going in the pool like it's serious business like not trying to have fun i I'm not trying to have fun. I'm trying to be in that pool. I came to this pool party to fucking do laps. Get out of my way. That's very funny.

I wore hand-me-down bathing suits because there was Angela LaBoy who lived in my neighborhood. She was my mom's really great friend, had two daughters who were, I think, three or four or five years. They were older than us. And my mom was not a cheap woman, but she was just like, I don't know. Why not wear hand-me-downs? They're not wearing them. Who fucking cares? So then we would get like a garbage bag full of clothes.

It'd be very fun. It'd be a bunch of stuff my mother would never buy for me. She never bought name brands because she was like, free advertising that we're not paying for. So then they would give me like a Tommy Hilfiger shirt or whatever. And there was these two Speedo bathing suits. And I was like, ooh, Speedo, a brand that I don't get to wear because we only shop at Caldor and Bradley's, if you remember those. They're from the East Coast.

They're like Kmart's, whatever. And one was teal. One was purple. They were one pieces. They did not fit me well. I don't really have titties. And they were like big. They wanted me to have titties.

This bathing suit really wanted my boobs to be bigger. So it was kind of loose in the front, tight in the butt because my butt is big. And then anytime I went swimming, anytime I dove in the pool, it would just fall to the middle and my tits would just be out. But I loved the bathing suits because I said Speedo on them yeah same i i had that too where it it would i remember being on a swim team and like like pushing off the wall and like my tits and also just not doing anything just being like well that's what it is i guess that's how i'm supposed to swim with my little two titties out and my my tip thong yeah my tits going every which way oh boy i also this one bathing suit i love that we're

just talking about bathing suits like this one bathing suit that had a zipper up the front it was black and white i fucking loved it absolutely but it was too small for my fat little body and i jumped from a diving board that was super high up and then i just like jumped with my feet first and then it like ripped open the zipper and then i couldn't figure out how to re-zip it so then i just spent the rest of the pool party just like holding it tight oh my gosh oh and then i got real fat and started wearing pants in the pool pants full on pants full on pants and a shirt and i was like looking back i was like jean pants no uh not sweat pants but there were these like parachute pants okay and it was like a like a loose thin material and looking back i was like

who was this for was it for me to like just make you feel more comfortable cover this whole body yeah i wish someone had pulled me aside and been like bitch wet clothes on a big body is still right we know what's happening right now yeah yeah i i was a bigger kid and that that of course is like your most like vulnerable you're half naked and also just realizing so much about your body but also like would be like oh yeah no i, no, I'm cool. And like I would jump. I used to jump into pools fully clothed because I thought it was funny. But also part of me, I think, was like, oh, then I don't have to get in a suit. Yeah, I think it stemmed from me being like, aren't I kooky and wild?

Yeah. But it's like, no, girl, you're just really self-conscious about your body. Yeah. And also my boobs came super late so it's just like body and then little mosquito bites oh being a woman is so hard i remember asking my mother for a bra and she was like you don't need one and i was like okay but like i want one yeah that's better than oh god ew i don't even i was jump roping one time and my dad's like um I think you need to get like a bra or something I I don't know and I was just like so embarrassed and I have two older

brothers and the first bra I got and I I told my mom like I wanted a bra bra you know how they have those like training bras or, like, training. That's such a weird name. Like, you're training your tits. A training bra is very strange because it's like, what are we training them for? Yeah, what's happening? So, I got, like, a hand-me-down bra because I was, like, staying at this girl's house. And she was like, oh, like, she was a little bit older.

And she, like, gave me an old bra that was, like, you know, this cute bra. And I wore it, like, once bra that was like, you know, this cute bra. And I wore it like once to the like to church. And like, I think I wore it maybe with like a white shirt. And then like my mom's like, oh, are you wearing a bra? And then I was like, yeah. And then like some lady from the church was like, oh, my God. I knew it. I knew it.

All church service I was looking at, tell me! I knew she was wearing a bra! Oh my God. I was so embarrassed. And then that night, my brothers put it on my stuffed animal snuggles that I still have. And I was just like, what? You're like, snuggles doesn't need the support. I need the support. People are so embarrassing about like, and also we don't talk about. It's just that you're an adult woman.

We don't talk about girls coming of age in a normal way. Like my cousin had a period party for her daughter. Oh, wow. Like a whole thing and then had cousins send her stuff. And I was like, why? Did you go? No, because they live in uh away they live in a can you tell me any more about it like do you give gifts do you yeah so she are there games

a couple of the cousins to send her like little tidbits and stuff about becoming a woman okay and I was like I like it in a way but I also kind of hate that you had to have a party about it yeah like I wish it was just a thing that was like oh we have our peer it's my period's here and I've known about it for a while and it's not this mysterious thing that's embarrassing yeah like I remember in high school putting tampons in my sleeve and oh my gosh that that whole and now I look at commercials that are like pads in my sleeve that are like like, hide your tampon in this neon fucking whatever thing. But I remember that.

Also, I feel like junior year, I was like, fuck it. And would be very brazen about it. And be like, pull them out from all over. And just be like, yeah, this is what it is. Now I'm very brazen.zen yeah i did an episode of the dough boys and went to the bathroom was like oh now i have my period how awful so then i like went got a tampon and i was like headed back to the bathroom gotta shove a tampon in because i was like it is weird for me to return like i've had unfinished business in the bathroom so i was

like it's either they'll wonder what the fuck I'm doing or I just tell them. And then Mitch and Wagger were just like, ah, yeah. Oh, my gosh. The two men. And then Mitch was like, I do have to empty the trash in the bathroom. And I wanted to be like, I'm not leaving you a present. There wasn't one in. I'm not trying to make you feel comfortable with just not understanding what that is.

It's so funny that like men just can't be like, oh, okay. Yeah. You know? Like the whole thing of like a lot of movies are like dad has to buy a tampon because mom's gone. Mom's dead. And now I'm just tasked with trying to understand a woman. Although maybe I told this story. I don't know.

But my mother, she died when I was 16. And I think I was in high school still. And I didn't have bad cramps or anything, but I was just like, ugh, my period's really taking it out of me. And I was like laying on the couch, all snuggled up. And then I was like,

mm, I don't have any pads here. And then my dad was like, so what, are you just bleeding on the couch? And I was like, I don't have any pads here. And then my dad was like, so what? Are you just bleeding on the couch? And I was like, I mean, basically, I'm sitting in my own filth. I need more pads. And my dad was like, somebody get her pads. And my sister was like, well, dad, you could just go to the store and get them for her. She could just drive herself.

And he's like, no, Catherine, you go get them. And I was like, yeah, Catherine, go get them. Because I'm just rolling around in my filth. And he was like, yeah, Catherine, go get them. Because I'm just rolling around in my bill. And he was like, stand up. I don't want it on the couch. Oh, my gosh. Oh, it was very funny. Because he truly, I think, thought I was free bleeding all over his couch.

I one time, and this is bad and silly um but was like doing this show i somehow tricked a guy and not tricked i was just like i'm on my period and i would love a burrito like was like there was something i made it seem like kind of an emergency and like they went to cacti this was drew actually he went to cactus taco and was like are you okay here's a burrito do you need a sweater to tie around your waist i am an adult woman but i think the situation i probably presented made it sound like i was like i can't control my i don't know I'll never be okay if I don't get a taco honestly it is kind of a treat that we can do that to men it it is in the way that it's like oh yeah this is the only time that like one you don't take you just don't you don't have a

comprehension I'm going to take advantage of your ignorance it's like i'll be fine without a burrito right but i will be happier with a burrito it'll everything will be better do you need a sweater to tie around your waist oh that's so funny i once bled on a banquette at a on a what a banquette a bank a like a bench seat at a restaurant i think it's called a banquette you're probably right or i might be very wrong and have made up a word. Honestly, it happens. I thought you said baguette at first. I bled on a baguette. I thought it was

a pair of pants. I thought it was a pair. It just crumbled all over me. And then I was bleeding. I'll take a French onion soup and a pair of pants, I guess. But this is at Tender Greens in Hollywood. Oh, yes, yes, yes.

I got up, looked down, and was like, oh, no. And then I went to the bathroom and was like, whoa, no. I don't know how I didn't feel this a-coming. It was as if someone had burst a balloon filled with water. Oh, my God. But instead of water, it was chunky blood. Oh, my God. Oh, bodies are beautiful.

They're awful. Bodies are beautiful. They're awful. And I just left it there because I didn't know how to go to the counter to say I'm sorry I bled on your seat. Did you like try to clean it up? I tried a little bit and it wasn't working and I was like I just I can't this is bad. Okay. And then we get to the car I'm with Millheiser my roommate and I was like I have to get a garbage bag out of the trunk and he was like why? And I was like I gotta sit on it. He's like why? And I was like because I'm bleeding everywhere. And then he laughed at me for the full ride home.

He's constantly learning about women in a way that is not normal to other women. Because I don't know anyone else who's been like, yep, I got a sit-on-a-trash bag. Well, I mean, we've been there. It's so awful. In high school, here's a very left field question. Did you ever have to give, not have to, but on Valentine's Day, like gift your girlfriend or boyfriend like a carnation? Did your school do that? the soda and send it to somebody for like 50 cents. Oh.

And then you could lock it for a dollar where you could send it to somebody, but you could pay a dollar for them not to know who it is. Oh. Or if you got a can of Crush, you could get, I clearly have a crush on you and they would deliver it during classes and everything. I remember. That sucks that if you're poor, you can't have anonymity. Yeah.

If you are poor, they're like, we're going to put you on blast, but you have feelings. But I think also the idea is like, I have a crush on you. Like, do you have a crush on me? And so you could see it. But it's also like this third party thing. And it's just a weird thing to be like i'm coming into a class and here's your can of crush and yet yeah it's very weird and then also it's like why isn't that student in class yeah it was part of like the you know the

leadership like team or whatever that was like anyway i remember making a thing with like girlfriends that were like hey buy me a can and i'll buy you a can and i was like uh okay that's like setting yourself flowers at work to be like i'm loved at home right it truly was one of those things that was like again i have two older brothers very comfortable around guys like very tomboy who I have two older brothers. Very comfortable around guys. Like, very tomboy. Who? Your two older brothers. Oh, honey. Let me in your family.

I, oh, what a dream. Come on. Let me in your family. Come on. Nicole, what a dream. They are. I don't know if. Oh, no.

You don't. Okay. No, that's You don't. Okay. No, that's not on you. That's my brothers have to get it together. Okay. That's that. That's what that is. Tell them to get it together so I can be part of your family. Oh, my gosh.

I would love that. In my high school, we had carnations that you could send on Valentine's Day. Yes. So there was white, a friendship one, which is like, why? Right. Why are you sending friendship carnations? Pink was like,

I'm interested. And then red means I love you. Of course, yeah. And I loved this boy, Mark D'Angelo. And he sent me a pink one.

And I was beside myself. Yes. I was like, he's interested. Yeah. And I'm gonna love him forever but then he also like he got a girlfriend and then like didn't love me forever and it was really sad i think i was in sixth grade and he was in eighth grade oh and i okay he was so hot he had blonde hair and a long

face and i loved it do you ever like think back and you're like maybe they weren't well i mean of course you're looking at children when you're looking back but like i thought my boyfriend at the time was so handsome and he wasn't like he had like oh this is oh yes yes i would like oh God. I like popping zits. Yuck! And I would like, I know. I said say it and it was awful. And I would like pop zits that were like on his chest. And I would also like, oh, give him scalp massages and he had dandruff.

And I would. Tony, yuck. I know. I know. know but you kind of have to deal with nasty little boys until someone tells them to take a shower and wash their hair right have you seen the movie 8th grade I just watched it the other night

I watched it last night what a treat of a fucking movie absolutely and the crush that the girl has on that boy is so funny absolutely he's so skinny with the double fuck you and those like and the guy in the pool what is it gabe gabe that's drew of gabe we watched it together and we're like oh oh, no. And her in her one piece bright ass green speedo swimsuit. He really captured a lot of adolescent awkwardness. Oh, absolutely.

My only gripe about the movie. Gripe, is that a good word? I don't know. Is that she didn't have a single friend. That's true. Yeah. You didn't have one singular friend. Yeah.

All of the weird kids in my school had at least one yeah weird friend i guess maybe they were insinuating it with that like drama girl quickly but yeah you're right i and then when they have that chicken nugget dinner oh my gosh i oh you're you're so awesome. Yes. Thank you. Not a problem. Yes. Oh, God. What a sharp shooter of the week. So cute.

She's trying to figure out a blowjob, and she has that banana. And then her dad's like, I thought you hated bananas. I wrote it down in my app that you hate bananas. She's like, I love them now. Bites into it, almost vomits. And then he goes, you don't like bananas. And she's like, fine, I don't like bananas. And thumps the rest of them now. Bites into it, almost vomits. And then he goes, you don't like bananas. And she's like, fine, I don't like bananas. I pimp the rest of the banana head out.

It truly, like, that movie had me go through, I was like, I love her. I hate her. I feel for her. This is so awkward. Like, it's such a well-done movie about adolescence and love and trying to figure shit out. And then I love when that crush is like, she's like, I have nasty pictures. And he's like, okay, you give blowjobs? like she's like i have nasty pictures and he's

like okay you give blowjobs and she's like yeah really good ones and i remember when i like the first time someone asked me if i like gave a blowjob oh yeah before i'd given one i was like yeah of course yeah of course are you good at it yeah uh the The best. I have a medal. Right after, you know, gymnastics, I'm blowing people. I get off that fucking horse onto a dick. Ride horses and I ride dicks with my mouth. A front pull into a front dick. Absolutely. Yeah.

And then you have to find out what a blowjob is. Yeah. And she has the Internet. So it's easy. Me in the library trying to figure out. It was like sixth or seventh grade and we had dial up and I was like, I didn't want to like type blowjob in because my mother checked my search history. Once I looked up Playgirl and she was like, Nicole, why are you looking at Playgirl? And I looked at my mother and I said, I wanted to see penises in a way that made me happy. Oh, nice. And then she was like, okay, well, I would like it if you didn't do that. And I said, okay. It was a very weird conversation where I wasn't in trouble, but I was like letting my mother know that I was like, I'm trying to see that. Yeah. This is an open door. Uh-huh.

Right. Yeah. I remember I literally, my first blowjob went, Yes! And then Mike was like, what? I thought that's what it was.

It is so weird that we call them blowjobs and not suck jobs. Yeah. Or slobber jobs. Yeah, slobber jobs. I'd love to give a slobber job. I would love to know who coined the phrase blowjob. Maybe a blowjob did evolve from blowing on a dick to sucking it. Oh, maybe.

Maybe a woman was blowing on the dick and then he was like, but what if you just put it in your mouth? And she was like, wait, you want me to put it in my mouth he's like yeah maybe you don't blow on it because it's already dry and it's not hot uh it's not like soup so uh your dick's on fire or maybe a blowjob stems from somebody with like herpes or chlamydia and they're like my dick is on fire and then a woman's like oh gosh that poor woman poor man

poor women all over the place did you go to a four year college? I didn't go to college i dropped out oh good good i think most people if you want to go into the arts you don't need a degree yeah i did study abroad in china and then i dropped out oh you went to china uh yeah for like a semester oh how long is a semester uh six months oh that, that's a good chunk of time. I don't know. I'm not the one to ask. I have no idea.

I know nothing about college. I don't know. That's fun. Did you have a Chinese boyfriend? No, but I was trying. Yeah. Like, before I went, like, we had this, like, student meeting. And they're like, any questions and i was like

legit like are we gonna learn any like mandarin or like because it was for like international journalism and business and it was like whatever gets me over here uh and uh i was like like what like how do we say like um like I don't know, like, no commitments. And, like, I was, right? That is so funny. So how do we say no commitments in Mandarin? Or, like, one night stand? Or, like, just for tonight?

Yeah. Did anyone teach you? No. I mean, I know some things, but I never got into that. That's very funny. It was also, I was too loud for a lot of, or just I spoke. This was also like in, I don't know, 2006 or 7. And I just remember like we went to a big college there and a lot of like time

i'd be like beautiful but you you talk too much oh no like you need to be quiet i'd be like you're too loud and you keep saying you want a gobble dick and that translates and i don't like it. They understood. They understood. We hate this so much. Why do you ask? If you had a boyfriend in college? I don't know. Oh, you asked if I went to college.

I didn't know if I had a boyfriend in college. Because you're a serial monogamist, so I'm trying to walk through your relationships. Yeah. So I'm going to walk through your relationships. Yeah, I had a boyfriend out of, so I dated a guy my senior year of high school. And then like after that, I wasn't sure if I was going to like go to UCLA. And I toured that and I thought that was going to be my school. And then I was like, oh, this is, this just doesn't fit for me. And then I wasn't sure if like Cal Arts. And then I fell in love with Chapman. And I was like, okay, this is this just doesn't fit for me. And then I wasn't sure if like Cal Arts.

And then I fell in love with Chapman. And I was like, OK, I'll wait a year and then try to get into Chapman. And then like so we were still dating for those like two and a half years that would, I guess, consider to be my college-ish. And then like went to China and moved to L.A. to be my college-ish and then like went to China and moved to LA. He was a lovely Mormon guy who I guess stopped being Mormon and. And started getting real. And started getting real. He moved to Oregon and became, Oh my gosh.

Loves the solstice. A witch. Wiccan. Yes. Became Wiccan. Yes. Um, gosh,

that was so rude. Um, it's okay. I said, and, uh, sure. Wiccan.

Um, but yeah, and then moved to LA, dated a couple of guys and then have been a husband i have been with drew for how long um i don't know i think like seven years six years we don't i don't know i mean i've never been one for anniversaries or like any sort of like thing like that it's never been like this is when we got together we also don't agree we just pick a date in july to celebrate oh that's sweet the fourth no that's dumb um here's a

question when did you guys decide that you were exclusive to each other um so he lived in amsterdam for a few years and oh you dated when he was at boom true well i visited him only because i was like i knew drew i didn't know him well but like um he was in the community um our community improv make them up people uh and i was like oh i know him and this is a free place to stay um and so why not and so like i went over there um for a week was like staying with him um and through that week before that i had interest. I was like not attracted, thought he was like so funny and like fun to be around, but was like not interested. And then in that week, first time doing ecstasy. Ooh, yum.

A lot. And you were like, touch my body. I was like, can I just touch your hair? Like, what are you doing? And then that kind of like sparked something. And then I was like into him and like we would talk for hours on end, like on G chat and was just we were also in obviously two different time zones and so it was like kind of like a a relationship but there was always like hey if you want to date people that's cool don't worry about it like same with me but meanwhile I was like you won't date somebody else I'm cool as hell and like but it was like oh yeah cool no worries Like, you do it. And then I was like, and then a guy was interested in me. And then he, like, hooked up with a girl.

And I was like, what? You did the thing that we said we were allowed to do. I gave you full ass permission and you did it? Are you fucking kidding me? And so there was, like, a little bit of a falling out. And then I started dating this one guy. And then there was just like after that guy, this talk of like, let's just do this.

Like we both really like each other. That thing happened. I dated this guy. We clearly like have strong feelings for each other but before that because i feel like this question is is so you kept talking sorry you kept talking while you were dating other people i dated somebody else and we had yes we would still talk but not like but he had moved back by this time. Oh, okay. Yes. And I was dating somebody else.

And so, but not like, not the way we were talking, but just like a friendly, hey, how are you? Or hang out or something like that. Nothing of that caliber. Because I was hurt. Rightfully so in my head in certain ways i mean i feel like we've all been like yes go ahead and do the thing i desperately don't want you to do i'm fine with it and then it happens you're like are you fine okay well i my feelings are more than hurt right like i can't believe right like i never thought that would truly happen there was also yeah there was a whole thing but anyways uh and so then it was like me like being like all right let's do this like you initiated it because yeah because he was

like i i'm i can't do this like maybe will we won't really sort of thing and because he was like, I can't do this, like, maybe, will we, won't we, sort of thing. And so I was like, okay, yeah, let's do it. But I feel like before that, there was never really, because I feel like I've been asked this question of, like, when you're in a relationship, when does that talk? I don't feel like I had that with other people. I guess I had it with a guy before because I was like, because we both were like, nope, we are seeing each other. But we have an end date and this is, we're two little weirdos. And we are comfortable with this. And so, but before that, I don't think I ever, even in like middle school, high school or after that had a talk of like now this becomes exclusive. But I don't think that's crazy to have or to broach.

I never know when to have that conversation. I mean, it's easy for me to say in reply to that of like when you want to i guess that's what i mean it's so easy for me to be like well whatever you want say whatever you want fucking but but yeah i i think it's what are we gonna google answer or question like when to have a talk? You can Google any question you have about a relationship. And there are answers. Yeah, but who are these people? Exactly.

And then a lot of the answers on Quora? Do you know? Queer Eye for the Straight Guy? Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. It's Q-U-O-R-A. It's a weird forum where you can like just ask

people questions and people answer but any question i've ever had has been there like i once asked i was like when how do you know if a man loves you more than his dog that someone had an answer i don't know what the answer was but it was like if you have to ask probably he doesn't love you more than his dog i don't think I love Drew more than my dog. And I love Drew so much. He's my partner in life. I love him so much. What does that have to do with it?

I don't know. I was just wondering if this man would ever love me more than his dog at one point. It was like two years ago. I don't know. Whatever. I don't know. I'm exhausted. Right. You felt jealous. or were you jealous kind of i was like you're always talking about your dog i don't okay when do you when do you like me okay that's different i get that and it was just it was i was being crazy uh-huh i did

you like the dog the dog was fine yeah actually it was kind of annoying it was fine everyone has a dog now which is fun you have a dog i have two you lied and charlie have you seen have you seen bird bird box i haven't it feels like it's too is it too is it too sad it is scary and i did cry oh i can't handle that i feel like that's my entire life is scared and well this is not an escape from that yeah there are scenes that are so exhausting and you're like i this is so chance and the reason like there are so many memes about it i was like i gotta understand the memes yeah and so many memes about it. And I was like, I got to understand the memes. Yeah.

And then I met this man in Vegas who was like, you got to see Barbox. And he was very drunk and so funny. And I was like, well, I guess this man told me I need to see it. Right. I got to see it. You got to follow his times. Yeah. Anyway, Sandra Bullock calls these kids girl and boy.

And she seems to like one better. So I call my dogs now girl and boy and by now i mean within the last day and by i mean now i mean i did it once and i'll probably revert back to calling them charlie and clyde yeah and that's who i'm dating right now charlie and clyde and it's not going well i i was gonna ask this have you thought I mean I guess aside from the podcast and you have a busy ass life um of like taking a a break or like not yeah I feel like I just I want to you're always doing fun things like I want to hang out with you like we do hang out but like always doing fun things like I want to hang out with you like we do hang out but like I'm also like why like or maybe it's the thing of like when you when you don't want it then it falls into your

lap I don't know I was just that's what people say I know but you don't work on it and try no one is gonna knock on my door and be like, hello, it's me. It's the right. It's the same thing. I didn't mean to be like because I feel like it is. It's always something. It's a it's a numbers game or like I should be on this or like putting forth effort or like making time for that or like also forgetting it. It's like always like. Me and my therapist have decided that I'm going to take a little break. She was like, take a little break okay she was

like take a break until the beginning of the year and i thought about it and i started swiping yesterday and was like you know what i don't know i think i need to just con i have a lot of balls in the air that i need to work on so i'll just work on my career for now and then maybe the second half of the year try to work on a relationship, which might make for some boring episodes in the podcast. But I mean, I got to just take some time for me. Yeah. What does that mean? I know you're in. Are you still pole dancing?

Yes. Oh, do you love it? Do you want to come to a class with me? Yes, I want to come to a class. I will let you know. You would be surprised. I tried it once. thing yes oh do you love it you want to come to a class with me yes i want to come to a class i'm so bad you would be i tried it once i you would be surprised no i didn't go to that i know what you're talking about uh i tried it once and i thought i would be i i have a unreasonable amount of confidence in a lot of things i do which i have have no emphasis. And I was like, I've done dance and gymnastics.

Like, this is what this is. And I remember trying it and I was awful. And it hurt. It does hurt. I have a bruise on my leg that I don't think is ever going to go away. Yeah. But my teacher, Veronica Pohl, I don't know if that's her government name, but she is great. I love her.

And she breaks it down in a way where she, after like a class or two with her, she's like, oh, okay, you're a very visual person. So like I will make, I will do it visually for you. Or like you need me to literally break this down to the smallest way possible. And I'll tell you, I really like her. And for a while I was like, you have to jump on the pole. And it's like, no, when you're beginning, you're descending down the pole. So there's you never have to jump. You just descend.

And that was super helpful. But I like it specifically because I feel strong and it's tangible. There's a mirror and I can watch myself spin. And then we did this one backwards move that had my sides hurt for a full four days. Oh, I bet. And I was like, I like it. I like that I worked my body in a way that my body was like, never, never have I moved like this. So I like it. So I'm trying really hard to become the pole queen and I'll have more nights available never have I moved like this. So I like it. So I'm trying really hard to become the pole queen. And I'll have more nights available that I'm not dating people that I can do that.

I've been to a lot of strip clubs lately. And I, well, before I would go, but Drew loves a strip club. And his birthday was recent. We went to a few in one night. And I always was recently. We went to a few in one night. And I always admired it. But like now I'm like to a whole nother degree. Am I just like, oh my gosh. Yeah.

And also to be sexy at the same time. There's a lot of ladies in my class who are doing the movements. But you're like, I don't think you've ever been sexy a day in your life. Right. Absolutely. And I'm not sexy. But. I feel like you can give sex off.

No. Are you a silly one in bed? Yes. Okay. Yeah, I get that. Yes. Talking to a dick like a microphone? Oh, sure.

I've done that before. Or I've been like, it's like a joystick. And they did not enjoy that make fart noises on their balls yeah great I love that I was once riding a boy and I said do you like what I'm doing

right well because riding is it's been a struggle I've done it I think I'm good at it but I don't know. Nobody really like grades you after sex. No one's ever been like, that was okay. Have you ever been to like an orgy or like a group sex?

I've only had threesomes. I've never been to an orgy. But I've been to a club where people were fucking, and there was this man being barebacked. This is in Florida, and I think the club is called Ramrod. So this dude was fucking this other dude, and he looked up and he went, huh. Loosely, exactly, Nicole.

No! Or girl code. He made it say girl code, and I went, oh, hello. As these two men were like fully fucking. And honestly, I'd never been happier. Sure. Oh, I bragged about it for days. I was like, you remember those two fucking men recognize me?

Right? I feel like aren't there like sex clubs or something that like you fuck and then like maybe have a productive talk about it. Is this like a fantasy in my head? I think it's a fantasy in your head. But honestly, maybe we should open a fuck club where you fuck and then have a therapy session about it. Or maybe do you have a sex partner like that or a friend that you could be like, all right, tips and tricks.

Is this silly? Dumb? I don't know. It's not silly. I was fucking someone for a while that I probably could have asked. Yeah. But never did. Now I don't fuck them anymore.

I don't have like, I think I'm past having like a sex, like a fuck buddy. And I think for me now, if I'm having good sex with somebody and I enjoy being with them, I'm like, well, why the buddy part? Right. Can we just like be together? Right. This is one thing or another. I don't know.

Toni, here's a question. Would you date me? I would. I've thought about this. Yeah! I think, okay. Do you want to know why? Yes, please.

Because I've thought about this. Well, a few things. Have I messed around with women? Yes. Um, well, a few things. Have I messed around with women? Yes. Um, so I, I feel like taking aside like certain typical, either like I, I typically obviously date men or hook up or my, all my boyfriends have been guys.

Um, I think you and Drew are a lot of like are a lot of like you're very sexual you're very fun you're down to have a fun time yes uh you like to travel uh i feel like there's just a lot of similarities of like yen and yang there where I feel like we balance each other out would we work out long term maybe yeah but I definitely

would give it a shot yes now tell your brothers to get it together so I can have one are we running out of time can I ask you a question yes please if you were to take me out on a date and you were taking me in, I guess, splitting the check, all of those things, but you're into me, like me, Toni. Yes. What would our date be?

Let's see. What would our date be? Also, would you date me? I would. I think you're fun. I think you're funny. I think you're easy to talk to. I think you're very pretty.

fun. I think you're funny. I think you're easy to talk to. I think you're very pretty. Let's see, on our date, I would probably, I know you don't exclusively drink martinis, but a lot of times you're drinking a dirty martini. So I would probably try to take you to like a martini bar or something where you could taste a bunch of different martinis. Oh my gosh. And then maybe I'd take you to a strip club, but maybe not. Okay my gosh. And then maybe I'd take you to a strip club. But maybe not. Okay. But, yeah, I think I would take you to a martini bar. Oh, what a great date.

Thank you. I think also because you're so good at hair and makeup and dressing and style that I can't match that. I can't match that. So I think there might be like, not that I would be the schlubby partner, but that you would be like, you can't get dolled up for me. And I'd be like, I tried. I honest to God tried. I don't mind someone who's not like focused on a look. Okay. I like when people are comfortable wearing what they want to wear where I'm like, oh, you got one thing that I really like. Okay. Great. Okay. I like when people are comfortable wearing what they want to wear, where I'm like, oh, you got one thing that I really like.

Okay. Great. Okay. Toni, do you have anything you want to promote? Not really. Although we did, you were on my first episode of Munchies with Toni Charlene. Yes. Where I fell in love with you even more.

Look it up. It's somewhere. We made you go buy a deep fryer and we have that deep fryer still that we talk about deep fryer dates yes we need to throw some shit in that deep fryer absolutely also you have a show at ucb franklin every friday night 8 p.m it's called bangerang yes it's a real fun time it is a fun time improv And you have a monologist? It rotates. You have to be there to know what it is.

You gotta be there so that improv is fun. Okay. If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, please subscribe. Give it five stars. If you send me something nasty, I will read it. So this person said, hey, Nicole, you're really so beautiful. I need your help. I really have a fart fetish, and I need someone to let me eat their smelly ass while they fart on my face. Then rub their dirty ass on my face to get me off.

I really hope you can help me. But if not, I understand. This is a really embarrassing thing for me. I don't know if that's a real message or if they wanted me to read it. Would you do that, though? Legit? Would I fart on somebody? And rub your dirty dirty ass okay i would

so okay dirty ass for me means i didn't wipe well right that's what i'm always wiping really well because who likes a skid mark that's weird to look down and go fuck yeah succeed yeah we're wiping my butt i did poorly this is i did a d-minus job at wiping my ass so i try to wipe it good and i use wet wipes do you pack with wipes because you travel a lot i do yeah and uh i use lola i do ads for lola but lola has these like uh little individual wipes that i use and genuinely like them and i wipe down planes with them sometimes which I don't know is helpful whatever. Sure. But a dirty butt

I feel like I'd be like Sorry. Have you heard that episode? I think it's I wish you were wiping dirty ass on a dirty butt. I don't I think I'd be a little self conscious to be like how dirty is dirty? Okay.

If he wants me to take a fresh shit and sit on his face, I might be able to do that. But I think I'd have to really like that person because it would feel weird to me. Yeah. And then fart in someone's face, that makes me nervous. Sometimes a fart. You don't know what's going to happen. It might be a wet fart. Right.

Yeah. And then I'm shitting on your face. I don't want to shit on your face. because then it's just confusing yeah and then i mean sometimes when i make out with a white person i leave a ring of my brown makeup on them so it looks like maybe i've shat on them so like that might convolute when i just kiss somebody and i will have like ptsd from when I shat on a man. So I don't I don't know if I could do that. OK. All right.

Would you sit on a man and fart on him? On their face. I don't know if I could do that on command. If they want. I've I I want to be Dan's having his GGG in bed. I want to be, Dan's having his GGG in bed, but I feel like you should give me sex advice. This is a whole new thing. I don't, could I do that?

I think I have the same thing as you. How dirty is dirty? Is this like a thing? Like even dirty talk, I this like a thing like even dirty talk i'm like what are we doing right now like all right like a little bit of dirty talk sure i get it but i but me i'm like okay like i'm yeah i'm like i like i feel like i i could i could work like um I mean I do I don't do a lot of dirty talk because I'm like hopefully my mouth is full or I'm moaning with excitement that's hot so I mean that's a little bit here and there mostly it's just like you like that pussy yeah okay that's good yeah yes yes I do i'm waiting for someone

to be like nah it's not my favorite yeah i um i i am latin uh but like somebody was like oh latin yes this will this will follow um but like somebody saw me talking to somebody of my family in spanish or something and they're like, oh, you speak Spanish. And I was like, oh, yeah, but I don't really. And then in bed, they're like, speak Spanish. And I was like, oh. And I was like, what? Sentences that were like, you wouldn't know, but like are not sex.

Como la playa. are not sex it was yeah it was like enough to be like is this from a song or like anyways could I do that I don't know I don't know if I could

if I'm being honest no could I get there with a good partner maybe I don't know if I could. If I'm being honest, no. Could I get there with a good partner? Maybe. Yeah. I guess if it was like a thing we had to work on. Yeah. And I don't want to shame anybody for that.

Because whatever gets you off gets you off. Yeah. All right, Tony. That's it. That's it for us. Tony, thank you so much. Oh, let's get martinis. Okay, bye-bye.

Bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.