Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Playing Hard to Get (w/ Ms. Pat)

Episode Date: September 17, 2021

Comedian Ms. Pat chats with Nicole about her time in jail for drug trafficking, shares the secrets behind her 28 years of marriage, and offers advice on how to play hard to get. Plus, Ms. Pat's not happy that Nicole's sleeping around with random audience members, so she decides to set Nicole up with a man. Black Lives Matter. For a list of resources and ways to support, see linktr.ee/nationalresourceslist Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastaken Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer New Merch Store! podswag.com/dateme Nicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single. Even though if you took me on a trip to Hawaii and pushed me right off the cliff, I would climb my way back up and say, hey, baby, I think you forgot me. My guest today is a comedian and actress, hosts the Pat Down podcast. Her multicam sitcom, hosts the Pat Down podcast.

Her multicam sitcom, The Miss Pat Show, premiered last month on BET+. I haven't gotten a chance to watch a full episode yet, but I've been looking at clips and it is so fucking funny. Also, Miss Pat has a This Is Not Happening story about getting shot in the titty that is maybe one of the funniest fucking things I've ever heard in my whole life it's miss pat thank you for having me how you doing thank you for doing this so your show premiered last month um how has the reception been because i've been seeing so many clips oh Oh, it's been really, really great. It came out the box. It came out the box better than what I thought it was going to be. I didn't expect this. You know, it's a new BET Plus is a new network. So I was kind of, oh, you know,

people got to find it. Shit. They found it like crack hit the black community in the 80s. Well, I think there just hasn't been your like your show to me felt like a throwback to like my wife and kids and like the steve harvey show sitcom where it was just like funny just funny black people so i say congratulations also this is like a long time coming because i remember right after your this is not happening set came out, I feel like I saw an announcement that was like you had a sitcom in development. Yeah, it's been about five years. So five years. Holy shit. Five years, three writers, three networks. And we finally fucking made it. Do you think it was worth the wait? I think the people think it was worth the wait. Yeah. You

know, one thing about Hollywood and we're both in Hollywood, it's a lot of fighting for what you believe in. You know, and I'm not one of those people that you can just throw me into anything. I work better when you let me be me.

And that was one of the biggest fights we had when people wouldn't let me be me. And I'm like, hey, I'm not Claire Huxtable, okay? I want to be a convicted felon mom on TV.

We never had a convicted felon mom on TV, okay? I don't chop fucking vegetables. I want to walk into the mama and go off and try to beat something great. Follow her dreams. Black women are always holding up black men, but they never show black men holding us up. And in this show, a black man is holding me up. I really love that you just said i don't fucking chop vegetables i don't really eat them either i mean i truly never really eat

a vegetable um so you are a convicted felon yes yeah yeah i went to jail for trafficking uh crack cocaine or whatever fuck you want to call it, drugs. How long were you in jail for? I did a year. I did a year. Oh, okay. That's not super bad, but maybe you have a different take on it since you were actually in jail and you're giving me this face.

I guess... Say to a person who ain't been to damn jail, oh, it's not bad. It's like standing at the motel seats. It ain't bad. Maybe a roach will bite your ass or to damn jail. Oh, it's not bad. It's like standing at the motel seats. It ain't bad. Maybe a roach will bite your ass or something like that. Nah, Nicole. It's bad when a motherfucker wake you up and give you a sack lunch.

Yeah, okay. Jail is bad. I take it back. I mean, the closest I've ever been to jail was I got arrested for shoplifting because capitalism sucks and shit's too expensive. I was stealing from old navy truly they like price it so you just take it but um i got arrested and then they held me in this like this holding cell and i was like this is not it this is not fun and then i lied about having an id so they kept me overnight and boy oh boy did i cry a lot and i got out the next day so i can't imagine what a fucking year must

have been uh it was long because i had kids at the time so it was uh it wasn't easy you know time time when you're in jail time goes by slow it don't go by fast yeah i could fucking imagine because it's like the same shit every day right right? The same shit, the same ugly bitches, the same TV show, the same sale each and every day. The same ugly bitches. You wake up, you're like, did one of these bitches get prettier? No, she didn't. Nope. Nope, nope, nope.

Nobody gets out. It's the same bullshit each and every day. The same meals, the same breakfast. It was fucking horrible. Yeah, that sounds like the fucking worst. Also trafficking crack i don't know you're an entrepreneur they should just make drugs legal you know people are gonna do them anyway just you know regulate them a little bit more uh maybe we but i don't know about crack now i mean nothing because you know what nobody's ever really committed crime on weed you know what i Nobody's ever really committed crime on weed.

I had one friend, the only time he would get locked up is when he smoked weed because he would get in the fast lane on 285 in Atlanta and go slow. So he would literally get locked up for driving fucking too slow. But nobody ever, crack don't make you fight. I mean, I'm sorry, weed don't make you fight. It's the most mellow shit out there.

So I kind of say weed is okay but um i don't know about crack i've seen some motherfuckers have some food on some cray all right maybe you're right i don't know i just feel like we should just let people make their own choices yeah this world be way fucked up her yeah probably uh miss pat do you go by miss pat or do you go by patricia what do you prefer Yeah, and this world be way fucked up for her. Yeah, probably. Miss Pat, do you go by Miss Pat or do you go by Patricia? What do you prefer? It's Pat. Pat is fine.

All right. Pat, are you single? Are you dating? Tell me about it. I'm married. 28 years. You are? Yes. Hell yeah.

I'm too old to be out here switching dates. How long have you been married? Almost 28 years. Oh my God. That's such a long time. That's like, that gives me hope. Because I feel like so many of my friends have gotten married and then gotten divorced very quickly.

What is the secret to staying together for 28 years? I would say conversation, trust. With me, I would say communication. You got to keep the lines of communication open because as soon as y'all start thinking different, you know, shit started to clash. You know, like mine's like me and my husband just went through some counseling shit because he was thinking one way and I was thinking another way. And I had no idea he was thinking that shit. So communication is everything in a relationship. So y'all can stay on the same task. You know, telling each other how you feel or what you feel or what you want from each other.

A lot of times relationships just go silent. And next thing you know, you're in divorce court. When a fucking conversation probably could have fixed it. Especially if you're not cheating, doing no crazy shit outside of marriage or mistreating one another i love that i love that you were like oh wait we're not on the same page we have to talk about this because i feel like a lot of times people really don't talk they don't and you're right they just let their relationships just unravel and become a mess and then you're miserable yeah and then you look up and you're like, well, I'm filing for a divorce.

And you're like, what the fuck happened? What happened? And it was just communication 10 years ago. You could have talked this shit out. Nobody asked, where is this headed? What are we doing wrong? Why are we feeling this way? You know what I'm saying?

So just last year, me and my husband went to the counselor. I said, hey, homeboy, you need to get up before you be in divorce court. We need to go to counseling. You need to get the fuck up because something is wrong here. You know, I shouldn't be married and be feeling a certain way, lonely or feeling like I'm not pretty. I had a fucking husband. I should lay next to a person that I don't know or that I feel like don't fucking exist. And I think that's what happened to a lot of marriages.

or that I feel like don't need fucking exist. And I think that's what happens to a lot of marriages. I mean, I think I'm a very confident person, but I do think in relationships, I get a little less confident where I'm like, oh no, if I talk about them not giving me what I need, they might just leave. And I think that's something I have to like deal with that it's like, well, if they're gonna leave,

they're gonna leave. And you should just, just you know speak your feelings to make sure that you're that I'm happy you know what I'm saying do you fall in love real quick oh yes if a man blinks at me I'm like wow okay so I think I'll take his last name and we'll get married in Bahamas yeah I get I fall in love very quickly. That's the fucking problem. I know. And I don't know how to fix it. Yes, you do. What the fuck is wrong with you? Oh, I think I'm just really in love with the idea of being in love. So whenever someone is like when when there's a prospect where I'm like'm like oh maybe this will happen i truly

i'm like all hands in i like give it a hundred percent and i don't know how to not do that well you're gonna have to calm the fuck down sometime you're going to let them chase you no matter how bad you want to go put an ice pack on it you know and get you a titty band, hug him and call him his name. But don't let him know you feeling like that. Well, this will be helpful. How do I, how do I let a man chase me? How do I like play hard to get? Just act like you're not interested. If he's interested, he's going to keep coming.

But it's like when you, when you throw it all at him, then he ain't got nothing to work for. It's like these women running around here butt naked these days. What is there to work for? They can see your ass on Instagram. You know, back in the day, that's all they wanted to do to get you in a negligee or get you in some loungewear and make, you know, because you become sexy. These bitches out here in Timberland and motherfucking negligee these days. There's nothing to work for.

So, you know, a lot of times it's just taking your time. Stop wanting it so bad. If you stop, when you stop wanting it, it will come. That's what people say. And I don't know how to stop wanting it so bad. Buy you a fucking dildo. I have so, I have a drawer filled with vibrators and dildos and clit lickers and cl clit suckers i have so many things what the fuck

i i did some age gap different clit oh yeah oh it's really come it's come along it's very uh high tech now yeah they have like specific clit suckers for you um it just i'm like a transformer down there like i just have so many different things that i attach to myself to come and i mean it's fine but sometimes i just get so i'm like it'd be nice if these were attached to a warm body yeah i. I mean, I have a gay daughter. I tell her all the time, I don't know what she want with cold dicks, but that's her thing. I don't know what you want with cold dicks, but that's your thing. It's funny because it's like you said it and then you go, but that's your thing. You're like, I accept it.

I don't get it, but I accept it. Hey, that's right. I don't want a cold dick. I want something like you attached to something. Yeah, that's what I want. But how old are you? 20? Oh my God.

Thank you. I'm like 35 or 36. I can't remember how old I turned this year, but my birthday is tomorrow. Happy birthday. Well, when this comes out, it was on August 29th. And I think I'm turning 35. I think. Okay.

Well, you just got to take your time. The time ain't running out. You young. I mean, stop wanting it so bad. You just, it's going to,

it's going to happen when you ain't even looking for it. Now you looking for it. You ever drop something in the carpet and you can't find it. You go back to the next. It'd be like, God, they were there right there in my face. Yes. It happens all the time. You was looking, you the carpet and you can't find it and you go back the next day and be like, God damn it, that's right there in my face. Yes, it happens all the time. You're

looking too hard. I mean, you're young. You have kids? No. You have no kids. So just live your fucking life. And that charming fucker gonna come up to you when you're not even thinking. Right now you're overlooking it because you're looking for it. It's probably

right there in your fucking face. It probably a friend a neighbor it's probably really close to you and you don't even realize it because you're looking over it all right so i'm gonna stop so okay when you say stop looking do you think i should like get off tinder should i get off apps tinder what the fuck are you on tinder for I'm on Tinder trying to find somebody. Wow. Yeah. You really haven't been in the game for 28 fucking years. Shit's changed. I've got like eight apps open at all times. Just swiping, trying to find somebody. No, I mean.

You said no. Wait, how did you meet your husband? Actually, his brother went to school with my sister-in-law. And we went out to a comedy night one night, a lip sync with Bruce Bruce. And he was sitting in front of me. And I was like, hey, dude, hey, you want to share some wings? And we shared some wings and we've been together ever since. That's adorable. Hey, you want to share some wings and we've been together ever since. That's adorable.

Hey, you want to share some wings? Okay. So you're the one who initiated it. And I feel like sometimes people are like you should, well, you said let men chase you. You kind of chased him by initiating. I wasn't desperate either.

I mean, you know, because I had two kids and I had a baby daddy that I could go fuck if I needed to. So I was never like desperate. I did show interest, but you know,

I wasn't like sending them flowers and all over here for them. I was like, hey, come give me a ride or hey, you know, we would talk on the phone. But I wasn't head over heels

because I liked him, but I didn't let him know I liked him that much I think this is my downfall because I like the last dude I dated I let him chase me and I was like oh my god I love being chased this is amazing and then like maybe a month and a half in I was like you got me um you don't have to chase me anymore. You got, I'm got. And then he immediately was like, goodbye. And I was like, wait, what happened? But I guess it's men like to chase for a very long time. He wasn't the one.

No, he wasn't. Sometimes they just want pussy, you know, and then sometimes they want a relationship. And, you know, and sometimes, sometimes they, sometimes it's hard for men to commit. Do you date all men, black, white, all men? I have no preference. I think it's weird to have a preference. But I will say white men are the ones who generally ask me out. Black men tend to not ask me out.

And I don't know why. I don't know why i don't know uh i don't i don't think anybody really knows yes i do you need to go to the fucking who they love you you hang out in the wrong motherfucking place nicole why you maybe maybe okay maybe i'll go down yeah i'll go down and crunch on i'll be like excuse me hello somebody you gotta change the tone of your voice too no hello you you're gonna crush out hello they're gonna rob you well i don't think anyone would rob me i think it's too much trouble to rob a fat lady and say shit me unless it might be harder to make her take her clothes off but it ain't harder to rob her i don't know i think it'd be a lot of trouble also i'm

insane i don't think it'd be beneficial for anybody to rob me i'd flail my arms and scream too much and they'd be like this is a lot of trouble for probably not that much money let's get real i never have any money on me i've dated a couple of black guys. One of them, he constantly was like, why do you sound like that? And I was like, you know, this is not fun for me. Yeah, he was like, you should change the way you speak. He never said it out loud, but he like,

he was just, he like indicated that he didn't like the way I sounded. So, you know, maybe black men don't want to date me i don't know but i would date an asian man i would date black i would date white i would date puerto rican i think since you black they wanted a more a little bit more uh your they wanted you to sound more like your culture i think they wanted you to talk like me. Probably. But alas, that's not how I was raised. And it would be very not genuine and then kind of exhausting to be like, I'm going to sound like this now. OK.

Yeah. Look, motherfucker, this is how I talk. I sound like I'm happy at all times. Do you think I sound happy at all times? Yeah. I would like to see you upset. You probably, oh, you motherfuckers just pissed me off. You probably still sound happy.

You're not far off. Sometimes I get a little angry, but it's very far and few in between. Like, I'm never like actually like really mad. I don't think I've ever like screamed at anyone no i have i have screamed at people i screamed at a lady in florida who called me little girl and i was like little girl fucking i'll fucking sit on you or something i don't know it probably sounded cute when i said it to her but she made me very angry okay but you'll be able to find somebody i mean you're a pretty girl i just thank you you're very pretty so i don't i don't know what the problem you might just be hanging out in the wrong place maybe um i'm like i want it very badly but i'm not like super worried about it

i well okay i've talked about this on the podcast before, but I famously talked to a psychic this year who told me that somebody was coming at the end of the year. So I'm going to believe that. And I, I'm just waiting till the end of the year. Well, let me ask you this. Do you want kids?

No, you don't want kids. I don't blame you. They ain't shit. They make your titty sags your back hurt your hair fall out so wait how many kids do you have i have four kids and two abortions i like that you count the two well you gotta count i count all my babies a lot of people don't, but I count all of my babies. Yeah. I just having,

I was a nanny for a very long time and having a kid to me just sounds exhausting. You wake up and you can't do shit first. You got to like make sure your kid has food or knows how to get to school or whatever. I mean, it's just not for me. What if you meet a guy that wants to start a family um i think then that would be a conversation like i'm not fully opposed to children i'm not like

very staunch about it but like in my brain i don't want them and then they would have to be successful enough to be like okay we're getting a nanny like i would i would want help i couldn't do it by myself uh i don't think it would be fair to my kids because i'm not interested in parenting them a lot of people are not interested in parenting they fucking keys so you won't be the first one yeah but i'm like i don't want them to go to therapy and be like my mom honestly didn't want me and she made it known i'd rather than be in therapy being like it's actually pretty healthy my mom like didn't want to parent us but like we had a really great nanny who raised us and my mom was like real

chill as we got older a lot of kids got that shit too yeah i just they need somebody in their lives who like genuinely loves them and wants them to be around i just don't i don't want that would you have them you would genuinely love them i i know you you're just saying that now because you're not a mom oh you had some problems some badass kids that you kept when you was a nanny and you couldn't beat their ass so therefore you've been turned off i mean i always tell this story about when i was little, we used to go trick-or-treating, right? And it was a candy bar. You're probably too young to remember. It's a candy bar out there called Zero. You ever seen that candy bar called Zero?

I sure haven't. I'm very young. I'm from Atlanta, so I'm almost, I'm 49 years old. Every time I saw this candy bar, I would throw it away because it was white. And I never heard, you know, I never tasted it before. And one day I said, I'm going to try this fucking candy bar. And I bit into it. I was like, all those fucking throw it away because it was white and i never heard i you know i never tasted before and one day i said i'm gonna try this fucking cannibal and i bit into us all those fucking zeros i threw

this fucking cannibal is delicious so don't knock it till you try all right i guess you're right you know i i truly might feel differently with a partner that i like genuinely love and they're like I'm in this with you we're gonna do this maybe what type of man do you like um I mean the bar is so low right now it's like someone who's nice to me somebody who actively likes me do you think they actually don't like you well I've been in relation well i've never been in like a real actual relationship i've dated people for like a couple months and towards the end you know how you like you're like oh this person doesn't like me they don't really like spending time like this is done what do you think is because of who you are

i don't know if it's necessarily because of who i am i think it might be like i i tend to be like okay i'm got you got me um i like you let's lock this down before like probably a little too early um and then i am very busy so scheduling things with people is hard um and then when you have like the last couple people i dated i had like opposite schedules of like they were free on the weekends and i was touring on the weekends and then during the week they were working and i would be like working here and there and had time during the week so yeah i yeah so someone who's like nice to me and likes me who i find attractive uh somebody who's taller than me i want so yeah i like someone who's tall but those are those are the main

things and then like has their own money like i don't want to have to pay for everything that's not that's not a lot to ask for no it's not and that's why i'm like where is he uh i don't know where the fuck he is i don't know one of these days somebody's gonna be like i know where he is follow me and then i get in my car and we drive we zoom zoom zoom open the door and there he is and he's like nicole i've been waiting for you that would be a real dream that is a dream it is fully a dream how did you get into comedy um I got into comedy because um um I literally took a trip to the welfare office and my caseworker thought I was funny and I went and did an open mic and it was the first time I ever had a job that didn't ask me

um for a criminal background history and I did my first open mic and I didn't get food and I was like hey I might be pretty good at this shit so I went home and told my husband I'm a comedian he was like please go back to Walmart tomorrow and I just when I get my hands on something I think I can make something out of it I just stuck with. And the more personal the more I learned about comedy, the more personal I got. I just liked it. I mean, it's really once you get to where you want to be, you can make your own schedule. You can say, I don't want to do that. I don't want to do this. I can work when I want to work. But it's something that I really like doing. It's the first job that, other than selling crack, that I really like doing. I guess when you sell crack, you can make your own hours.

Oh, yeah. You don't have to go out to the trap every day. You can just go when you need money, if that's your choice. I love, I mean, selling crack and comedy must have a little bit of similarities. Yeah, because I take a lot of those techniques and the grind and the hustle and I put it into the comedy gang. Like I I still wake up early because that's what I did when I sold crack. And I still I'm always in my mind. The early bird catches the worm. You work while everybody else is sleeping.

And I still have that mentality, even with comedy. So I'm always working hard. I'm always up. I'm always thinking of the next best thing, you know, to grow my business. So I took a lot of those techniques over into stand-up comedy. I mean, that's absolutely smart. People sometimes will ask me, they're like, you work a lot. And I was like, yes. Well, if I absolutely smart. I, people sometimes will ask me, they're like, you work a lot. And I was like, yes. Well, if I say no to this, somebody else will work. And then somebody else makes that money and someone else has that opportunity. And I don't want that. I want all that. So that's why I continue to work and I work hard because it's rewarding in the end. Yeah. I mean, I'm not a person. I don't, I'm a lot older than you too.

I'm not a person that I don't think I would take everything because, um, I've just learned like, even with selling crack, you'd be out there a certain amount of hour when you got the good dope, everybody's going to come when the good dope is gone. Everybody's like, Oh, I got to buy this shit. Oh, I got to do this shit. But shit. Oh, I gotta do this shit. But my street name was Rabbit. But when Rabbit came, everybody came running. So that's one of the techniques that I use, too. And plus, you know,

they're not going to work the shit out of me, Nicole. I'm old. I can't do all of this shit. I don't mind saying, no, go get somebody else that money, motherfucker. I'm tired. You know, because I do, I wake up at three o'clock every morning because I'm married and I'm always on some side of the world and my husband wakes up, he still works.

You wake up at 3 a.m.? Yeah, my husband works at General Motors so I have this technique that I've always had when I started traveling. I have to talk to my husband because the day get busy and you look at me, I ain't talking to my fucking husband today. So if I talk to my husband while he get ready for work and he drives to work,

I know I've at least had my husband in my life for the day. That's sweet. Cause if they can get by to you when, when you fucking busy and everybody throwing shit at you, phone calls me and you look up and I ain't talking to my fucking husband and things can start to fall apart. So no matter where I'm at, I wake up at three o'clock and I talk to my husband.

That's really sweet that I love. I love that so much. I have a question. Where did Rabbit come from? Rabbit is my childhood name that we my stepfather Curtis gave me because he was like, if you eat carrots, your eyes are going to be pretty. And you will ever be able to see really, really good, which was a damn lie because I wear glasses now. So I used to really like carrots when I was little. Oh, and they called you Rabbit.

That's adorable. I never got a nickname. You don't sound like you came from a hood as black family because we had we had Rabbit, Rat, Squirrel, Maypop, Bonnie, Tony. Did you say Bonnie? Bonnie, Tony, and... My mom's nickname was Bonnie. Her name was Lily, but they called her Bonnie. And it still doesn't make sense to me.

And then my dad's side, they didn't have nicknames either. They're from the islands. They're from Barbados. Yeah. Yeah. But all my cousins, they all have nicknames. I just, me and my sister, we didn't get nicknames. Yeah.

I didn't give my kids nicknames. Other than one child, I have a son named Garrett Jr. We call him Junebug, which he's one of the characters on the show. But other than that, I just, I didn't want to give my kids nicknames. Junebug is really cute. So did you, did you did you um what is the word uh did you put all of your kids on the show is or is there like characters like all of your kids on the show it's like characters like all of my keys my keys can't fucking act

yeah um i mimic every all four of my keys on the show i I love that. So did you, what was the like process? Was it like doing standup, bringing stories from standup into the writer's room? Were you in the room? Tell me, like walk me through the process. I was in the room. I had to be in the room because it's such a voice show. So without me, the voice wouldn't be right.

The first season is basically my first hour stand-up that I recorded on the CD called Rabbit. If you go back and listen to the CD Rabbit, you will hear all of those bits that was turned into episodes, sprinkled throughout the whole series, the 10-episode series. So that's why it was so important for me to be in the show because this show is 95 to 98% true. Each episode came out of my house. You know, the first episode is about school shootings and that happened. I live in an all white neighborhood and my daughter didn't want to go to school one day. So the way the show opened to the way to show them their end is what happened in my house. Even episode two with the coupons,

I have an episode where my daughter comes out. My daughter is gay. I have a non-binary episode where my daughter bring home a kid who say he's not a him or her, which confused the fuck out of me because I'm 49 years old. Where I come from, you're the boy or girl. So we did an episode on that because my daughter had to educate me times have changed mama people are every fucking thing i'm like they are so we did an episode on that and we did an

episode on domestic violence where i was in a really a bad abusive relationship with my first kid's father and it was like an episode to get my power back so every episode really related to it came it came out of my life i like that i also like that you do touch on non-binary stuff because it's something you don't know about and you said it you're like my daughter had to educate me i like thoroughly appreciate that you because there's some parents who don't who just go go, I don't want to learn this. I don't accept this. This is not right. This is not for me. But I like that.

You're like, no, no, I, I am old or older, but I do want to understand. I do want to learn, educate me.

Like, I think that's, I think that's really fucking powerful for other people who are in your age group to see, to be like, oh, well, if Pat can learn,

I can learn. and then also like domestic, know violence and shit like that like i think that's also good to see i mean not good that it happened but good that you're able to showcase it and i'm like you know a funny light but also like a heavy light so people go i'm not fucking alone you know what i mean yeah i mean and this you know when i started being personal about my life at first i thought i You know what I went through. No, it happens to whites. It happens to Asians. It happens to people of all nationalities. That's why when I do my standup, my fucking audience is so damn diverse because it, you know, it happens to all types of people. So, and that's what I wanted to show. I wanted to connect and say, it's okay. Yeah, that's awesome. That's powerful. I think that's really great. Real quick, we have to take a break.

Amber back. Are you touring right now? I'm in Pittsburgh. I don't know if I've ever been to Pittsburgh, but Pennsylvania, not my favorite state. How has touring been uh through the pandemic um well I was touring um I started touring last year all through the pandemic was only two people on the plane um it's been slow but it's pick is really picking up now you know since the tv show is out and so many other things that i'm doing um it's it's really to me it's pretty good i love touring i don't like carrying my own luggage but i'm cheap so i'm also cheap i hate checking bags and sometimes delta's like you gotta fucking pay and i'm like

excuse me now i'm not paying to check a bag well i'm, I don't have to pay right now because I only have three bags. I'm always, I'm high on their list. I'm diamond, so thank God I don't have to pay, but I do hate

dragging those bags. But to me, it's hard to find an assistant. Young people are so fucking dumb. I'm old. I'm like, I've got time to spend with your dumb ass.

So, I'm working on getting an assistant to make my life a little bit easier. Sometimes I think I should get an assistant. But again, I agree. Young people are dumb. Yeah, I mean, I need somebody that can think ahead of me. You know, like if I'm on stage performing, I need to say, OK, Miss Pat needs to do things the last day. I need to start pre-packing Miss Pat bags. Young people won't do that. They'll be like, what do you want me to do next?

God damn it, I can have a dog and he can do better than you. I don't got time to tell you what to do. So I just do the shit myself. I feel you on that. I just, yeah, I just do everything myself. One of these days I'm going to get an assistant and it's going to be glorious and wonderful. And my life will be just a little easier. Like when I got on the plane yesterday, I truly was like, I have no fucking clue where I'm going. I just know that I had the plane ticket. And then if I went into my email, it would tell me where I was going.

But turns out I was in Mumpsboro, Tennessee. My my hotel had no soap i had to go to the front desk to ask for soap and they gave me dove and i was like this is not antibacterial soap we're in the midst of a pandemic so i had to go to target and go get my own soap it was wild i was like i can't this is you're not doing it right t Tennessee. You on a college tour? I have two college dates and then I am taping a special next weekend, Labor Day weekend. Oh, where? At the Gramercy Theater in New York.

Oh, who's doing the special? Netflix. Okay, okay. I'm taping mine on the 25th. Ooh, congrats. Is it for Netflix? Yes, it's for Netflix. on the 25th. Ooh, congrats. Is it for Netflix? Yes, it's for Netflix. By the time this comes out, we'll be able to say it.

Oh, okay, perfect. We're going to announce it next week. Congrats. That's so fucking exciting. You're electric live. I got to see you perform live, I think, twice. One was in Montreal, and I can't remember where the other place was maybe LA maybe I don't remember but like you are so charismatic and you connect with the audience

and you're so in the moment and I love that like how do you stay in the moment when you're performing um I don't give a fuck about the audience. I mean, because I mean, I love the fans. Don't get me wrong, but a lot of times you can get an audience that noisy, chatty. And I'm here to do one thing is to work. You know, I don't mind saying shut the fuck up. I didn't tell a lady last night, shut the fuck up. OK, you know, shut your damn mouth. And, um, I just don't let them control me. I go there to do my job, which is my sit. And I get the fuck off stage.

A lot of times you see a lot of comments. They want to please the audience because they want them to like, I don't care. Came here because you either going to walk away, love me, or you're going to walk away, hate me, but I'm going to,

I came here to do my material. And that's what the fuck I'm going to do. I don't have no problem telling that's what the fuck i'm gonna do i don't have no problem telling somebody shut the fuck up because i'm just that black mama who will tell you to shut the fuck up i'm in a weird so i was really burnt out like in 2019 i was performing a lot so i truly had no tolerance i was like you yell you leave like i'm not i'm not dealing with you but now i'll like i'll joke around with people to an extent it's like, you yell, you leave. Like, I'm not I'm not dealing with you. But now, like, I'll joke around with people to an extent. It's like when you start being disrespectful and like trying to make the show about you, then I'm like, OK, you got to fucking go.

What are we doing? Yeah, I mean, I've had people like that. And, you know, sometimes they try to bounce them. But I can I the good part about me me i grew up a little stinky girl poor so i had to learn how to joan and you know like get back on the motherfucker so i if you hit me i'm gonna destroy you i'm the wrong motherfucker to help them because i'm gonna put those jokes down i'm gonna walk i'm a dog walk your ass until you either you leave or you shut the fuck up and so um uh i don't have that problem

really you know if i feel like you're talking too loud i'd be like hey fuck you what are you doing be quiet but thank god i don't really have a problem with helpless and i don't put people i try really hard not to put people out but you know i had one lady say last night, she just kept saying, period, period. I said, shut the fuck up. And she was like, I can't believe she told me to shut the fuck up. Yeah, bitch, I don't need you hollering period at my show. So she got up and left. Oh, see, that's nice.

That's nice that she removed herself from it. I'll never understand why people think that's OK. from it. I'll never understand why people think that's okay. Like when I have a lot of gay men who come to my shows and they'll be like, yes, queen at the end of jokes. And I'm like, okay, I know they're funny. I don't need you to scream. Yes, queen at me. I don't need you to punctuate jokes with period or whatever. Like, uh, I don't't i feel like people just didn't like i don't know i grew up going to the theater like i i went to new york a ton i grew up in jersey so i would just go see broadway shows a ton so like i just know theater etiquette but i feel like a lot of people are like i guess they've been inside for so fucking long nobody knows how to act anymore

oh they don't know how to act they come come to the club, they get fucking crazy. And I'm like, these people are fucking crazy. They've been in the house so goddamn long. And those are the people you have to say, hey, hey, I know you've been in the house a long time, but you need to calm the fuck down. This is a comedy show. What's the wildest thing that's happened on the road with you?

I don't know. I'm trying to think. Nobody's ever thrust you at me. Nobody's. I don't know. I don't think anything like really crazy has ever happened to me on the road. Maybe my bag being lost. That's it the most.

So crazy shit just happened to you before you started doing stand up. So like what happened the first time you got shot? Cause you've been shot twice. Yeah. I've been shot twice. My kid's father shot me once and then another guy shot me up in the, in the boom. And it was cause your boobie was so big.

That's what saved you. I think so. I've always, I've had these same titties since third grade. So I'm quite sure they'll save my life many fucking times. If I got shot in the titty, I would die. I don't have any

boobs. You don't have any boobs? No. For being a fat woman, I have zero titties. Oh, wow. No, I have a lot of titties that I wish I could get rid of. I have a big ass. that's what i was blessed with i have an ass too and too much around my waist too that's one thing i'm gonna get cut off

is my fucking stomp you're gonna do it you're gonna get it cut off i think i want a little plastic surgery around the waist i i do i'm not big on plastic surgery i don't want any botox or any of that shit i don't need no extra lips. I don't need my face pulled back, but I would like to have my fucking stomach cut out. I would like to see my pussy before I die. Without a mirror. I mean, yeah, it would be nice to see my pussy again.

Haven't seen her in a very long time. I would get plastic surgery i have nothing against it i think it's fun yeah but it can get i've seen so many people get out of control with it look at all these women today all of these bitches are shaped just alike all of them look alike you all on hair look alike all of them but you like what the fuck is going on you bitches look like walking dummies i mean zombies i mean dummies you can go either way zombies dummies i think it's a little bit of the same everybody got on the same waist cruncher everybody looked just the fucking like i mean what you would have this world come to when black women are adding shit to their cheeks and their

black women's are getting lips injection i'm like nigga you already got big lips what the fuck are you doing the other day i did say to a friend i was like maybe i'll get my lips done and my friend was like you have very full lips you do not need your lips done you are absolutely fine i was like oh okay you know sometimes you just you just get to thinking you sit there and you're like what can i do not a goddamn thing when it come to that you turn that fucking channel whoever making you feel like then you're like this bitch is stupid let me turn this shit you get caught up in that bullshit but you know i was talking to a guy the other day and uh we was talking about women that look like that he's He's clearly said those are the women we want to fuck.

Those are not the women we want to marry. Dang. I keep learning more and more about men and what I think about women. I'm on a show right now where it's me, this girl, Gracie, and then there's four boys. And we were talking about something. boys and we were talking about something oh we were talking about pretty feet and all of them were like oh she gotta have pretty feet and I was like well what happens

if she doesn't and all of them were like I don't know and I was like this is a lot of pressure what about your fucking feet I bet you their feet ain't pretty well none of them have good feet I was like let me see your feet they showed me their feet and I was like these are not great feet and i was like so why does she have to have pretty feet i don't i don't understand men at all then i was like i don't have pretty

feet am i never gonna find a man what what were they young were they young uh we're all like in our 30s oh well there's some fucking food if pretty feet is what you can cover the fucking feet up you dumb ass if pretty feet is what what You can cover the fucking feet up, you dumbass. If pretty feet is what... What if the bitch got pretty feet and she crazy? And this bitch gonna stab you a hundred times with them pretty feet. But the bitch with the ugly feet was gonna treat you like a

king like you should have been treated. Oh, they just don't have anything to talk about. They telling a damn lie. Nobody's feet has ever turned me out. First of all, fuck your feet. Fuck your feet okay fuck your feet cover the mug last feet up and keep going most men fuck with socks on anyway like their daddies and granddaddies i've never fucked a man with socks on. That sounds awful.

It's so weird to look down and be like, what are you wearing? Are you wearing your socks? Are you getting out of here? You leaving? You ever fucked a pastor or a deacon? I've never fucked a pastor or a deacon. I can tell, Nicole.

You gotta come hang out with me, okay? I gotta put some niggerism in. I'll come hang out with you. okay? I got to put some niggerism in. I'll come hang out with you. You can find me a nice man. I probably could find your ass a nice man. Do you know anyone who's looking? Not right off, but I can probably find you a nice man. Okay, just like keep me in mind when you're just out in town and you meet a nice man.

You're like, ooh, I have somebody for you. No, you just don't want hell no nicole i'll be done brought you a fucking ted bundy a murderer you know i if if i'm you know get with a ted bundy who wants to murder me at least he picked me you know that's nice that's nice he picked me i'm special you special to kill huh you know think about the the bright side of things uh-uh nah i'm gonna we you might need to put an ad in the newspaper the newspaper pat nobody's reading the newspaper anymore my god i don't know i don't know how to find a fucking man that's why i don't

that's why i keep what i got wait does your husband have any um friends my husband have any friends he got a lot of brothers but they don't crack you definitely don't want them okay but i mean he works at general motors I like I would like a man with a job. Oh, have him. Wait, where do you live? Do you not live in L.A.? Hell no. I live in Indiana. Hell no. I live in Indiana. And I'm never in Indiana. I'm always in Atlanta. So, you know, the men's are small there. I've never noticed that, that men are small there. I've never noticed that. That men are small in Atlanta?

No, Nicole. You're not getting it. Oh, their dicks are small? No, they're gay. Oh. Oh, I see. I see. I gotta be your hood friend.

You need a hood friend. Don't go to Atlanta and fuck. I ain't gonna tell you what you get. Maybe I do need a hood friend don't go to Atlanta and fuck I don't tell her what you get maybe I do need a hood friend you know it'll be like a what is it a fresh air fun kid from like the 80s where they brought inner city kids to like white neighborhoods to be like look this is nice it's the opposite for me where I get brought to the hood and they're like Nicole look black people oh yeah I need to bring you back. She's like, who goes to Atlanta? Everybody know you don't fuck with Atlanta. Men's are smooth.

I mean, you got to be careful in Atlanta. Oh, I didn't know all the men were gay in Atlanta. Not all of them. You just got to be, you got to step over a few to get to some straight ones. I mean, that I don't mind. I do hang out with far too many gay men they're just more fun

they like my outfits they like my clothes I mean today I'm not dressed I went to the gym because I couldn't check into the hotel so I went and worked out

so I don't look great but usually I look great I got a wig on I got my makeup I got glitter you know and I'm wearing something fabulous

and the gay men love me and I love them but I need to find a man who wants to fuck me that's what i really need you sound like you need some dick too pat i need dick more than anything i am so horny and it is bad i haven't had sex in I guess at this point a month it's not that long it's only been a month that's not bad Nicole

no I know but before that month it was a whole year well what happened to the person from a month who fucked you well he is in Houston and I fucked him after a show and it's like nothing else is gonna happen in Houston and I fucked him after a show and it's like nothing else is

going to happen. Was it good? It was very good and he was very nice but also he lives in Houston. What's wrong with that? Fly him out. Oh I guess he could get flewed out. If it was good fly him out. But isn't that too thirsty to be like

hey I'm going to fly you out to LA to fuck me?'re not gonna say fuck me say hang out if it happened it happens okay if you don't fuck you you put him on spirit going back that's very funny i fly him out first class and then we don't fuck and i'm like all right goodbye you're going back on a greyhound bus or spirit your spirit is a greyhound in the air you don't find my first class either you get him a comfort seat with your points you're right that's doing too much first class is doing too much okay save a little money with your points not your money you use your points okay all, maybe I will. Maybe I'll DM him after we're done and be like, hey, I'm gonna fly it out of the way.

You just stopped talking to him? What race was he? He was white. White? Yes, he was a white man that during my show I was like, is there any straight men here who would fuck me? And he was like, I will.

I was like, great. And then he DM'd me and then we fucked. Your eyes got so big. Oh, my God. He probably got a girlfriend to call. Probably. You haven't heard from him since? No.

So after he fucked you, you just he just got up and left the room no we cuddled for a little bit and then i was like you should go and he was like i should and i was like yeah because i had an early flight in the morning um and then he was like this was great and i was like thank you it was great and then we might oh i i think i like i messaged him to be like did you get home okay and he was like yes that was i had a nice time and then he oh he did say he'd hit me up if he was ever in la oh my god you can't give your pussy away like that nicole i know give it I fall in love too fast I give up my pussy too fast I guess it's something I need to work on it is something you know I think I might have somebody for you I'm gonna call him after this he's black that's great you took him to fuck I'm excited

is he handsome he's a nice looking guy but you're going to tone down that white girl shit you doing surprise shit I need some of that niggerism to come out of you okay black I don't know I don't know what you want me to be like I don't know. I don't know what you want me to be like.

I don't know. Is he tall? He's very tall. He probably about six three. Oh boy. I can't help it. I'm going to call him. I'm very excited.

This is very exciting for me. Oh my God. Pat, if I get a, if I get a date from this what a dream does he live in la he lives in new york that's fine i i go back and forth this is great pat wow oh boy i'm very excited about this i'm excited too i'm gonna see if i can hook this shit up oh my god you're like the one person who's just like yes yeah let's do this let's try this oh my god you're my new fucking favorite person yeah we gotta get you we gotta get you

settled down we just can't have you say anybody want to fuck me in the audience okay come on and fuck me that's dangerous somebody gonna tie your ass in a knot and we're to find you with your spank around your throat. How did Nicole die? She was strangled with her spanks. Yeah, you can't be doing that shit. That's some scary shit. It is funny, though. I didn't realize how crazy it sounded until you repeated it out loud.

You like you can't go on stage just asking to fuck anybody. I guess that is that is rather wild. Yeah, that's very fucking wild. Oopsies. We got to get we got to do something. We got to do something with you. I love it. You're like the mother of the world.

You really like mom to this problem. You're like, no, I did it. I found somebody. We're going to fix this. I'm going to set you up on a date with them i love this pat thank you i have a question do you know if your show was renewed oh can you say i don't not not yet i actually have the meeting monday to find out but i don't know yet so i would say uh we're working on it okay all right we're working on it i'm looking forward to it.

I think you'll get renewed. People are talking about it so much. And every single clip I have seen is so fucking funny. Like, you are so, you're a great actress. Like, you're, you're really great. But before we get into that, we have to take a break. And we're back okay so did you did you like do any acting class like did you you just dove into it and you're like this is my life i know how to act no no no actually uh when we sold the show to fox because that's who originally bought what that was the first network we were with after we sold

the show in the room with lee daniels and brianzer, I was like, excuse me, you guys. Are you guys going to act me? Can I act? And they was like, you can't act. And I'm like, no, I'm a fucking comedian. You've been on the road for 15 years. And they was like, she can't act. I'm like, no, motherfuckers, I can't act.

And so they ended up putting me in acting classes with Tasha Smith for over a year or so. And that's how I learned how to act. Wow. That's honestly, I love that. I love that you were honest and you were like, I don't know how to fucking act like great. We sold this show,

but like you want me in it. I gotta be fucking good. I love that. I love that you were honest about it. Cause some people are just like fake it till you make it. And then you watch it and you're like, Oh no but no i mean even even when doing the 10 episodes i had an acting coach on set with me because i want to be good i want to be great i don't i mean nothing is a paycheck for me because i've always i've always i've always said you can never give

me as much as i can steal from you. So therefore, I want to be good. Even when I go back for the second season, if it's in the budget, I would like to have an acting coach. Because it's so many elements like serious part where I had to cry. And, you know, sometimes I thought that motherfucker was a drummer. I had to ask the co-creator, is this a comedy or a drama? Because you want a bitch to cry today. So it's so many levels of acting that I had to hit that I needed a coach.

So I'm always honest. I tell you what, I try. I've never done it before. I'm never going to walk in the room and say, oh, I can act or I can do this. No, I can't do that. I can't fucking sing. I tell you, I can't sing. I wish I could sing. People always assume I can sing.

Because we're fat. Uh-huh. That's the only reason. It's rather rude, but whatever. Tasha Smith, I didn't know she was an acting coach. She's so funny. Yeah, she helped me with acting and it was awesome. Yeah, I love her. She's been in a ton of Tyler Perry stuff that I she's. Have you seen Why Did I Get Married? Mm hmm. She's so funny in that movie. I adore her. She's great. Maybe I'll hit her up for acting coaching.

She was really good. So I worked with her for over a year on and off. And then when I came to L.A. when we were shooting the pilot, I was out there for about five months before we shot the pilot. And she really drilled my ass and it helped. Do you think you want to branch out into like movies, more television? I would like to do movies. I have a lot of ideals. Like I want to create.

I don't want to be, you know, like a lot of times when you get hot or you get popular, all of this stuff just come to you. Well, I want to create because I know what a money is. The money is behind the camera. The money is behind when you write and create. I mean, you could be in front of the camera. It's good money, too. But I'm the type of person that I like to lead. So there's a few things that I would like to create on my own. Honestly, I mean, I created the Miss Pat show. There's other things that I'm working on, you know, ideas that I have that I hope I can sell.

That's the type of person I am. I mean, and I'm also hoping that people will come and put me in their stuff too. But I'm more focusing on creating my own stuff. I mean, I love that you know what you're good at and you're right. There's a ton of money behind the camera. Yeah. So much money. We're like, you don't even really have to do anything. You just get to be the EP of a show and maybe you never even get to set, but you still get that check. Yeah, exactly. So that's what I want to do. I want to create, I have a few ideas in my head that

I think might get some action and I'm looking forward to it. So. Well, Pat, thank you so much for doing it. We've come to the end. So the advice you're giving me, well, one, you're setting me up. Very excited about that. But you said when you stop looking for it, I'll find it. And to stop giving up my pussy so easily. And please. To let men chase me.

Yes. Because you're beautiful. OK. You're beautiful. And when you get that horny just put an ice pack on it you'll be okay it ain't gonna close completely up it'll open back up it's like a earring you ever had a hole in your ear to close and you just stick it in there it'll open back up just calm the fuck down okay i do think that's good i uh good advice to just calm the fuck down

yeah stop rushing it i mean you can't holly no i ain't nobody want to fuck me of course they're I do think that's good. I do. Good advice to just calm the fuck down. Yeah. Stop rushing me. I mean, you can't holly no. Hey, I won't fuck me. Of course they're going to come out and fuck you. You're giving it away. You'd be surprised how often they don't come a running. I had one show where a man hid under the table. What?

So my feature, my friend Christy was flirting with this man. And I was like, so I know there's a straight man here. Would you fuck me? And he climbed under the table. And I was like, I know what has sufficed. It was pretty rude. It hurt my feelings. But yeah, I often ask and nobody bites. Well, stop asking, please. Okay. I'll stop asking. You were so much more than just giving up pussy on the first night i'm telling you okay boy oh boy but it's so hard because you go on a date and then you're like this is going pretty well i should just fuck you because uh it's been nice but you're right i could put an

ice pack on it and i could go home and i can take out my little gadgets my theragun and go to town your eyes got so big I have no clue what the fuck you're talking about okay oh they're my sex toys uh well okay I ask all of my guests this Pat and I'm gonna ask you would you date me hell Hell no. Okay. I don't like pussy. I'm sorry. I don't like my own pussy, Nicole. I see what I do to my own drawers. I tear them up.

I'm not eating that shit. I ain't eating your pussy. I ain't eating my pussy. I don't like pussy, okay? Okay. My daughter might eat you. I can give you her number. But I don't eat no pussy.

I don't like my own titties they sweat they smell like balls i don't even suck dick no more i got vertigo i don't do shit you don't suck dick anymore no nicole i got vertigo oh wow i don't know what a world would be if I stopped sucking dick. You're not sucking dick on the first night, are you? Absolutely. Honestly, sucking dick to me is like a handshake. Lord, I done got to all Nicole bodies. All righty then. OK.

Miss Pat, do you have anything you want to plug? Yeah, just my social media comedian, Miss Pat, M-S-P-A-T. I also have a podcast called The Pat Down with Ms. Pat. And please join my Facebook group. It's called Ms. Pat Crack Babies. We have fun in that fucker. I call all my fans my crack babies. So make sure y'all join that.

And please check out my new show on BET Plus called The Miss Pat Show. Okay. Well, if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it. You can rate it. You can subscribe. You can rate it five stars. And if you write me something nasty hitting on me, I will read it. Okay.

So this nice person said, Nicole, I want to treat your pussy like improv. I want to spend way too much money on lessons teaching me how to do it better. I eventually want to get so good at that pussy, you let me do it on a Wednesday or Thursday night unless someone more famous shows up and you have to bump me for them. I want to convince all my friends to come see me do that pussy and maybe even get in one with me. Sadly, I'll have to quit when I tell my when my wife tells me I spend too much time with it and finally realize I won't get my own Comedy Central show. That one's very specific and very funny. Okay, bye bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer Why Won't You Date Me is produced and engineered by

Oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick It is executive produced by other wonderful people Adam Sachs, Joanna Solo-Taroff, and Jeff Ross Thanks for listening I love you, thank you so much We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode What a dream. What a dream.

Ha ha ha. This has been a Team Coco production.