Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Polyamorous and Experimenting (w/ Ashley Ray)

Episode Date: March 19, 2021

Comedian and pop culture expert Ashley Ray (host of TV I Say podcast) used Tinder to run an experiment where she dated every zodiac sign for a month at a time. She explains her findings, her polyamorous dating life, and what it was like to have 8 boyfriends at once. Black Lives Matter! For a list of resources and ways to help, check out blacklivesmatters.carrd.co. Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Buy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964 Order Nicole's book: www.indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single. Even though we could be dating, we take a road trip to Vegas,

I wake up in the hotel room, you're not there, and I have no way of getting home. Ha, ha, hoo. My guest today is a writer, a comedian, has a podcast called TV, I say, and has been published on the AV Club, The Guardian, Cosmopolitan, Elle, Variety, Vice, Did I Say Jezebel, The Chicago Reader, Vulture. It's Ashley Rae! Hi, thank you. Hi, hi, hi.

Hello. Oh my gosh, I'm so happy to be here. I love you. Oh, thank you. I like you. I love you. I think your tweets are so funny. And then you got suspended from Twitter.

Yes, yes, which now is great. I got suspended for impersonating Donald Trump and saying he tweeted, I won the election. And I was like, oh, it'd be funny if it was like, oh, actually, autocorrect. I meant to say erection. Classic boner joke. Classic. And yeah, my account was Yeah, 10 minutes. They were like, your verified badge is gone. Your account is shut down. You cannot say that Donald Trump had an erection. And now he's not even on Twitter anymore. I mean, it's kind of funny that they were like, you cannot say Donald Trump has an erection because he's never had an erection. He milks his dick until jizz falls into somebody.

And they should have just been like, that actually is harmful, that you were trying to put out bad information and we can't have the American people thinking Donald Trump could win an erection. This is actual fake news and it's detrimental to democracy. Oh, boy. Ashley, what have you been doing, know in quarantine what's going on tell me about it yeah I mean without I like I had my forced Twitter break I guess and I've just been watching TV because I get paid to do that so I try to tell myself it's my job for me to like binge

all of Sabrina in two days uh which I did uh I've been re rewatching a lot of shows that just like bring me calm during this time. And of course, like 90 Day Fiance, just a lot of trash. And then I'm trying to like get my life together. Like I turned 30. So I'm, I'm at that point where I'm like, oh my gosh, I have to like start having a habit tracker and a bullet journal. So yeah, getting older is truly like um i don't know a nightmare i thought it'd be like a dream when i was little i was like i can't wait till i'm 30 and i have a house and a husband and my life is together and i love it and now i'm past 30 and i'm like uh i got some of those things but definitely not all of those things. Yeah. I used to always be like, oh my gosh, being older, I'm going to get to travel and do whatever I want. And like, no one gets to tell me what to do.

And no, it's just every day. It's like my bills and my debt and my job. So many people get to tell me what to do now. So many people. It's kind of wild that in school they don't teach you about credit cards. No. And like bills and shit. shit and like if you want to use your water they're gonna bill you every month yeah and you have to pay it otherwise you don't

have water my first credit card i ever got in college i just truly did not understand how it worked got it immediately spent like two thousand dollars at urban outfitters and then i was like what do you do if i don't pay this back? My credit gets hurt. That's an imaginary number. Yeah. And then later you're like, you mean I can't have a car? My credit's bad.

It's truly out of, it's so insane. Yeah. When I first got my credit cards, I had a Hello Kitty Visa card. You better believe the limit was $5,000. And I spent that so quickly oh yeah i was like you get a drink i was the oprah of fucking buying drinks at a bar

everyone got a drink yeah everybody gets a drink on my hello kitty credit card i i was just doing it up for my friends and like i went to this tiny college in the middle of nowhere so i was literally just like donuts on me like whatever i can spend money on like there's nothing to do here but i'm gonna take everybody to get like ice cream where did you go to college uh williams college it's this like tiny liberal arts school that's like in massachusetts but barely it's as far west as you can go there's a part on campus where you can touch new york Massachusetts, and Vermont. That's just like how in the middle of nowhere it is.

It's like in a mountain range. There's like 200 black kids, and it's just like, okay, I don't know why we chose to go here. Do you live, where do you live, in New York or LA? I'm in LA now. Were you in New York at one point? Everybody thought I was a New York comedian for a long time because I, I, yeah, I started in Chicago and did like three years in Chicago and was just kind of like, I'm sick of this. And my day job, like my day job, a lot of

my team and clients, I do ad sales. We're in New York. So like two weeks out of every month, my job would be like, you got to go have client meetings in New York. And I would just be like, oh, I'm just going to go do shows and do comedy. And I would stay there so much that all these comedians were like, are you lying to us? Are you doing a sneaky like New York move and you tell people you're from Chicago so you get booked? And I was just like, no, literally, I just am back and forth. That's so funny. Yeah, I truly thought you, I didn't even know you were in Chicago. I thought you were a New York-based comic.

Yeah. I should be, you know, I try not to appropriate that identity. So I really want to be clear. I don't want to be the Hilaria. I don't even know how to say her name. I don't know. I don't want to be the appropriator. I think it's Ilaria? Ilaria. I don't know. I don't want to be the appropriate. I think it's Ilaria.

Ilaria. I don't know. That whole thing really tickled me. I mean, it's so truly what a dream. What a full fucking dream that this woman was like, I'm Ilaria. I am from Spain. I have an accent. And then she was like, I never said that.

I do not have an accent. And then Alec Baldwin was like, what are you talking about i very much knew you were from boston but then you know you were play the tapes and he's like my wife is from from spain and i'm like y'all can't be saying shit on tape and then when you get caught saying shit on tape saying i didn't say that and i was like playing trump for four years on snl as a cast member when you had a full-blown career getting to your fucking head sir yeah and you just didn't think I should that's gonna come back on me it's so nuts I don't know at a certain point I'm like maybe she earned it if she's been doing the work for that long like if you're putting that accent on to the point where even your husband is like, wait, what? Wait.

I don't know. I mean, I it's so interesting that so many there's so many dolezals in the world. Yeah. You know, it's she's iconic. She's the first. She certainly won't be the last. No. I mean, like another one just came out like two weeks after her. It was like the president of the like Boston Latino Lawyers Union was like, sorry, I'm actually not Latino.

I have a stepdad who's Cuban. Well, I mean, at least there was somebody. Yeah. Like in the household spoke Spanish, I guess. Yeah. Ilaria came from Pilgr from pilgrims you know like she's she's the whitest yeah and then her blonde hair blue-eyed kids oh boy oh what a treat being from boston makes it so much worse boston just increases the racism of anything by like 30 percent

yeah boston is um an interesting place anytime i've ever flown into Boston I feel like people stare at me yeah and then when I'm like made up and look like more like me people don't stare as much but when I'm like not made up in sweatpants and like a hoodie sitting in first class thank you people love to stare they love to stir yeah Boston is just a city of like wait wait a second what's what's this black girl doing here what like i would go there for work too and like go to these nice restaurants and people would just be like wait wait a second how did you get into our space we don't want you here yeah but i also i also, I deeply love Boston and love Boston guys. Like when you said that thing about someone leaving you in a hotel, a Boston guy did that to me once.

And I still can't learn. I dated this guy from Boston and we like went out. He took me to this like really, really nice hotel in Boston. He was from there, but like had tons of roommates. So we were like, oh, we'll do like a cool date night in Boston he was from there but like had tons of roommates so we were like oh we'll do like a cool date night in Boston get a hotel room I woke up in the morning and he was just gone did he ever speak to you again no we never spoke again it literally was just like we had been dating and like I had hung out with him on other times like going to Boston and I would like hang out and like if I had a

hotel for work he'd stay with me I met his roommates one time and then this one time he was like I think it'd be really cool I got the hotel room for us and I was like oh wow look at this little like six month of us knowing each other treat and I woke up in the morning and he was just gone I was like did he go to yoga I stayed in the hotel I stayed in the room until checkout because, first of all, I was like, guy paid for this room. I'm going to stay here. I took a bath. And I was just like, I was texting him and he's not replying. And I was just like, I still have no answers except Boston, I guess.

That's Boston. That's honestly, truly, I just, I can't imagine. That is Boston. That's honestly, truly the I just I can't imagine. That is wild. I cannot imagine going to a hotel with somebody. Yeah. Falling asleep next to that person, looking at them and being like, I'm going to fucking leave. Leave. Yeah.

And I was I felt crazy. I was like, should I go to his apartment? Because I was still I still had to, like, be in Boston for two more days to do shows and I was like I know where he lives I guess I could like go see why that happened but at that point I was just like clearly this man is a psycho I just I'm gonna walk away I feel like you have a lot of fun or not fun just like interesting dating stories yeah yeah i i am polyamorous and bisexual so i feel like when you're poly you like rush kind of into relationships and everything is sped up a little faster because you kind of realize how people don't click with you pretty quickly so i feel like being polyamorous why does that speed

up getting into relationships uh for me it's like I'm very upfront about it and so a lot of people will be like I'm into this I want to be poly too like I'm or they have primaries and this is like the gross thing where they'll be like oh my gosh you're perfect you're gonna teach me and my partner how to be poly like oh my god you're a perfect way for us to learn how to do this we'd love to date you and i'll be like oh that's a red flag but i'll ignore it because you seem like really cool and i like this could be a cool relationship and then like two months later you realize like oh these this is a mess of a couple they are just drama I don't need to deal with this and you just move on to the next one so I don't know for me I feel like I when I was dating like now it's been so long but like at one point I I wrote about in the guardian I had like eight

boyfriends and it's just like I don't know you meet people and it's just like you date more when you're poly and it's just kind of like you want to do this or not you in or not you see what i'm about how do you have eight boyfriends i've never had not one how does how long did you have eight boy how do you what are you like fucking playing pokemon you collected them all how do you have eight boyfriends i i held on to my eight boyfriends for three and a half months uh before i before i had so many breakups um i think eventually only one of them became like long-term we dated for like a little over a year but like when and also that's again being poly like i would piss off so many of my monogamous friends because i'd be like oh i'm gonna go see my logan square boyfriend and then i'm gonna go see my like you know my humble park

boyfriend those are chicago neighborhoods but yes and would be like, you can't just call someone you fuck twice a week your boyfriend. And I'd be like, yeah, I can. I can literally call anyone I want my boyfriend if I want to. Yeah, you can do whatever you want. And I mean, if it is like more than, I don't know, a month and you see each other a lot and you tell. I would get confused as to like who I told what to so I mean that did happen and that I would often like and also at the time I was doing this experiment where I was trying to date every zodiac sign a month at a time so a lot

of these eight boyfriends were from that experiment and they were people who like after the experiment was over i was like oh now we can date like for real and like see how this works and sometimes i'd be like oh you know what you were not the virgo that i meant to hook back up with but you know we've been hanging out for two months now and you taught me how to play drums and we had sex and that's a relationship that's a boyfriend a boyfriend can just be someone who teaches you how to play the drums all right well i mean if that's how you're counting boyfriends i've had so many boyfriends no even still i've had very few boyfriends if i counted them like that uh that is so wild to me that you do experiments do you tell these men that you're doing experiments on them or these people since you're buying that experiment I started in 2016 and at the time I was living

in Logan Square Chicago and I like told my friends like I want to do this thing at the time I was like oh this will be a really good vice article like oh I dated every zodiac sign a month at a time here's what I learned and I was just kind of thinking of it that way like this will be a stupid thing for some article and like then I started describing it to my friends and all these people in Chicago and they were like well if you do that there's like the ethical question of like them consenting and you have to tell them and like people wanted to like cancel me before I had even started the experiment and I was like you guys I'm not a crazy person I'm gonna tell people what I'm doing like just immediately like even to even date like in in my tinder bio I had tell me your favorite number your birthday and your favorite color and I'll write you a custom joke and then people would

tell me their birthday and all this info but all I would just go is go like okay I'm dating leos who's a leo and I would just like go through all the leos and be like oh hey so I don't actually have a custom joke for you but actually I'm doing this experiment through all the leos and be like oh hey so i don't actually have a custom joke for you but actually i'm doing this experiment i'm dating leos for the next month would you be into hanging out seeing what it's about and most of the time they were down and some of the signs were like absolutely not like please that's no please get away from me interesting have you ever read the neil butte play the shape of things yeah and the movie yes it's uh this is very much like that movie when i was a kid yeah yeah it's it's uh it's like kind of fucked up

but like also she ethically she like didn't tell him that she was doing an experiment yeah you know but you just you triggered that memory of me like being obsessed with that movie as a child and now i'm like oh my gosh did like r Weisz like fucking Paul Rudd over like do something to me is this maybe maybe it like it like was in an unlocked part of your brain and you're like I have to do experiments on men because I saw this movie yeah I mean it was it was fun most of them were like oh cool we just date for a month and then if we like it maybe we'll hang out later. Virgos were the ones who were like,

please don't do this with me. I'm not interested at all. Hit me up when you're done with that nonsense. So that was the sign that was just like, no. Tourists were super into it. Aries, super into it. I'm a Virgo, and I think I would do it wow every virgo i think i went on two first dates with virgos those were the only virgos i could even agree to get to go on dates

like every single one in a dating app would be like immediate like just unlike like disconnect no thank you best of luck in your endeavor and two of them were like okay let's like get coffee and see how we feel and i like explained everything and then they were just like that sounds really cool and i can't wait to read it but no thank you wow interesting well i don't know i'm of like a virgo virgo i think my rising sign is also virgo so maybe that has something to do with it i don't know i don't really understand horoscopes honestly I was shocked I like I'm a big astrology person I'll tell you Virgos are like the secret freaks of the zodiac like they are some kinky people and everyone is always like virginal Virgos they're so clean and they love to organize and it's like they like to organize because deep

down they're like dirty little freaks who just like want to be the kinkiest so I was like oh a bunch of Virgos are going to be so into this like one month dating experiment and they were just like no absolutely not have you done any other experiments that's really the only one uh and I did that for a year I did finish it and at the end of it I it was it was so weird that I like I ended up in an intensive outpatient situation I was like going to therapy because I was just like what did I just do with the last year of my life like dating all these people and like I was trying to turn it into an article and then I was like maybe this should be like stories in a book. Because I kept methodical notes. I have graphs of everyone's natal chart.

It was an insane endeavor. And I wouldn't recommend it to anyone. You should probably just date people that interest you and who you have common interests with. Don't try to like... Because I was like, okay, when the sun is sextile to their Venus, that's when I'll date Virgo. And I was keeping track of everything. And yeah, by the end of it, I was just like... the sun is sextile to their Venus that's when I'll date Virgo and I was like keeping track of everything and yeah by the end of it I was just like oh yeah so wait did you ever write an article uh no so I ended up uh doing like a series of short stories that I like performed I used to do spoken word and stuff and I would like perform them at readings and now

it's like a full book proposal and I don't know I guess like my it will hopefully be a book at some point but I just decided because I kind of realized as I was dating all of these signs and it was Aquarius that made me have this big realization because my father is a triple Aquarius and I kind of realized like oh I'm just trying to date all these people to like understand myself and my family and all the issues that I've like carried for generations like I'm not actually I don't actually care about these people but like dating Aquarians and realizing like oh this Aquarius is like really weird and kind of flighty and does not seem to be vibing with me was like oh man is that why my dad didn't like me because he was a triple Aquarius

and then it just opened this other can of worms wow I mean truly examining why and how you date will truly like let like open your eyes to like oh I'm just trying to find things in my like parents that like didn't fucking work out like I say it a lot on the podcast it's very true I am seeking approval from men I am looking for men to be like you're good you're doing a nice job which is like I know

I'm doing fine I don't need an outside person to tell me this but my brain is like you need that yes please you need a man to understand you please yes i need that mentor like i had the absent father so i it's really weird because i had this triple Aquarius dad who was like absent father lived in a different state and all of my like longest biggest relationships are all long distance like i'm always just like a man can love you but only from a different state okay from a distance my dad

taught me like they can love you but it's better if it's from a different state and the one time i dated someone where we lived in the same city i was just like i truly don't really understand how this works like what you've only had one relationship where you dated someone in the same state in the same city yeah wow that's now I say that, I guess that's kind of weird. I won't say anything is weird. At least long term. When I had eight boyfriends, they all lived in Chicago, but that was three months.

I had a guy I dated for a solid year, and that was the only long-term relationship where we lived in the same city. Did you enjoy it, or were you yearning for them to be away? I was yearning for him to be away. I fucking hated it. And like he lived really close. So I was doing Airbnb in my apartment and I would just like go stay at his when I had guests, which like didn't help because I was just like, I'm not someone who can be around my partner all the time. I think that's like a big part of the poly thing.

Cause I was always just like, do we have to do everything together? Like, can I just like go live my life? Like if I'm going to go to the movies, can't I just go to the movies? Like why? Just cause you're here doesn't mean we have to do all this together.

Yeah. I think monogamy tends to be a little bit of smothering. Like, uh, I know a lot of couples who do like everything together and I'm like, don't you get sick? Like you live together, you're out together,

you go back home. Aren't you tired? Yeah. I don't know. Maybe it's, I like wore that. Cause I was that way when I was, I got engaged when I was 19,

which is like stupid. Which is so so young it's very young and stupid and now I'm like my friends who know me now are just like they can't even imagine me with like an engagement ring I wore a ring I like had a fiance like we were together from when I was like 19 to when I graduated like what four or five years and we started dating in high school and we would spend before I went to college we spent every moment together and then I went to school in Massachusetts he stayed in Illinois which started my whole like love of long distance things I guess and eventually he like went to school in Vermont but was still kind of far away but just like when I went to study abroad in Germany,

he came to visit me and he could not speak German. And he came to like stay with me for three months and he couldn't speak German. He could not get around. He had to stay with me all day long, every day. And I remember like I had a diary and I was, I would like Mark every day that we spent every hour together. I hit like a six month Mark where I was like,

Oh, we've spent every day together. Like I've just seen you. We've done every activity. And I was like, I hate this. And we ended up breaking up like six months later. Like that amount of closeness, I think just made me realize that's never going to be for me. Wait, do you speak German? I do. Fluently? Not fluent anymore. Now I'm conversational, but I studied it in school. So I majored in German history, German language and English. So which I didn't even want to learn German. I wanted to learn Sweden, but my school didn't offer Swedish. So I took German because it's harder.

And then I was like, Swedish will be easier. Was that the case? Well, I never actually ended up learning Swedish so I just I just gave up on it and truly I think I only even majored in German because I was like I had to like prove to people that I could like my school was like double majoring is hard enough and I was just like fuck you I've taken the German class I'm gonna finish this I mean I say I wish I was bilingual and I at this point I could have been bilingual had I done my Duolingo every day right like if I had

done it every day since we got locked the fuck inside our homes I would be speaking so much Spanish right now but you know Duolingo sends me updates that say that it's disappointed in me and disappointed I was I was gonna do a German Duolingo during all this and I was like I'm gonna be fluent again I'm gonna like fix my German and like get good again and like be able to watch German TV shows without subtitles and no I I didn't do any of it I yeah I mean it's hard to be motivated when you're like I'm gonna move from my room to a couch and then back to my room and that's about it yay that is 100 my back and forth and then it's just like oh now is time to like doom scroll oh cool there's a coup i guess like great the world's blowing up like i i don't i feel like whoever's running apple news right now

is just like trying to torture us i got an update i got an update earlier it just felt like gossip it was just like trump hasn't even checked in with pence since all of this started that's all it was like cnn update they are not talking and i was just like that whole administration truly feels like gossip from like high school where it's like i guess they're the popular people because i'm not privy to a lot of the shit but like not talking to your vice like how old are you yeah i i just i can't wait i can't wait for sleepy joe you know i just you know just a sleepy old joe i just i want it to be like a pleasant time i just i want him to like do the oath in the safest place and just like no drama as

we do all of it. Just like, just like, look, come on you guys, we don't need to do a whole thing out in the open where people can like take shots at you. Do whatever the fuck they want.

Roy Wood Jr. tweeted. He was like, better do a zoom and a docu sign. And I was like, yup. Yup. Works for me.

You know, inauguration. Yeah. Inauguration is not even fun. Who gives a shit? Has there been a good one since Beyonce did it? and I was like, yup. Yup, works for me. You know, inauguration, yeah, inauguration's not even fun. Who gives a shit? Has there been a good one since Beyonce did it? No,

there's not, like Beyonce is the end all be all to things. She's so magical. I love her so much. She's so good. An amazing Virgo. An amazing Virgo.

She is a Virgo. September? No. Yeah, September 4th. Same birthday as my ex-fiance. That's how I remember. Oh, nice, nice, nice.

Real quick, we have to take a break. And we're back. So how did you become polyamorous? Yeah, it was pretty much near the end of that that in my engagement uh like we got engaged when i was 19 sophomore year and then did that whole like junior year in germany hating each other like we we stayed in sweden for a little bit because i was studying ingmar bergman movies and there's this bergman movie called scenes from a marriage that's like being remade and it's like what basically has started this whole genre of like angry marriage movies and we like at that

point in our relationship we're like recreating that daily like we were just constantly yelling at each other and just being like you don't get me but like still just thinking like oh we love each other we like have to be together and that's when someone at my college brought Tristan Tormino to campus who wrote this book opening up, which is all about like polyamory and like how it works and different kinds of polyamory. And we like both read it. And I was like, this is the solution. This is how we like get back into our groove of love is that we have to fuck other people and not be with each other, which is also like classic. Like you just need to break up don't try polyamory and i even like she signed the book to both of us she was like to ashley and jason best of luck on your endeavors uh which i i threw it away when i moved because i was

like we failed we failed at that endeavor but i don't know there was something about the book and the whole thing that just to me made sense where I was like you know what after this engagement I think I just want to be poly on my own I think I want to kind of figure out what I want from each individual relationship versus you know people saying oh you need a boyfriend or a girlfriend and this is how that works and this is what that looks like. So I don't know. It was just kind of this me, I think just partially being like an asshole where I was like,

Oh, I'm kind of pretentious and I just don't understand monogamy. So, okay, I'll be Polly and I'm only like 20. I got the world figured out. And then also, I don't know,

probably just being so annoyed by monogamy at that point. Is Polly Amory the same as being ethically non-monogamous? Yes, yes and no. So polyamory is like a, ethically non-monogamous is like a giant umbrella term. That's like the big umbrella term. Technically polyamory falls under that if you're doing polyamory the right way you should be ethical everybody isn't who is involved knows about it whereas like cheating and adultery that doesn't fall under that umbrella but there's like different kinds of ethical non-monogamy so like you can be swingers who are like once every six months we go to las vegas and have a threesome.

And that technically is ethical non-monogamy because it's you and your monogamous partner ethically agreeing to do something. But then there's also people like me where I'm just like solo poly and I'm just like I always consider myself a single person. Like even when I'm like I have boyfriends, this is my partner, I'm still single. And the people I date understand that. And so that's where the ethics of it come into play for me. So it's just a mess of, yeah. It's the same. And then there's polygamy and those weirdos.

And that gets weird because it's not as ethical when you're like, oh, I'm a Mormon person who wants to force a 17-year-old to marry me. So it's like not as ethical when you're like oh i'm a mormon person who wants to like force a 17 year old to marry me so it's just yeah we get conflated as poly people with like kind of the worst of us i think most people's experience with like a poly guy is like an asshole who wears a fedora and like loves burlesque shows uh so i try to i try to break down that stereotype uh there's a show on Showtime called Polyamory, and you just described the people that I saw on there. Yep. Yeah, just like, yeah, a fedora, likes burlesque shows,

and loves his two girlfriends. Loves his two girlfriends, and one of them is probably his primary who isn't actually poly and isn't really cool with this whole thing, but just like really wants to support him. And he's probably one of those guys who's like, OK, we can be poly, but you can only date women and you can't date other men. That's so wild to have rules like that, because it's like, oh, we're going to do this like real fun treat of a thing where we're going to get to fuck. But you can only fuck girls and I get to fuck whoever yeah oh that that annoys me the most and i'm bi so i've dated a lot of women who are like in that situation because they're just like oh my boyfriend will let me date you because you know he doesn't view you as a threat and like three times i have had those girls wanting to

break up with their boyfriends for me so i just just think boys are stupid. Like a girl can be a threat. I can steal your girlfriend too. So what, what are you, what are you doing? That's so wild to me to be like, okay, so we're going to go on this journey. We're going to date other people, but I'm fearful that I'm going to lose you to another person. Then it's like, then you don't need to be doing that. You know what I'm saying? Like, then why even tempt fate? I feel like if you're going to be polyamorous, you just have to be like, then you don't need to be doing that. You know what I'm saying? Then why even tempt fate? I feel like if you're going to be polyamorous, you just have to be like, well, there is a chance that they may want to just be with somebody else

via this journey we're on. Yeah, and you just have to be open to that. And I think that's what people don't realize polyamory is. They're just like, wait, I thought this would just be a fun time where, I don't know, sometimes we have threesomes and like we get to we get to talk about who we're talking to on like tinder but I didn't think you'd actually want this other person in your life like what now we got to like

introduce them to our parents and it's like yeah if you really want to be serious about it this other person should be someone you can introduce to your friends to your family that you're actually including in your life. And so many people don't want to actually kind of realize that. And then you realize like, I don't, as a poly person, like I so often I've just like,

Oh, you're like using me as a sex toy in your relationship. Like basically you and your primary have issues and I'm just here to be a fun sex toy. Okay. Dang. That's not a nice feeling. I don't think I could be poly though. I think I would just, I don a fun sex toy. Okay. Dang. That's not a nice feeling. I don't think I could be poly though.

I think I would just, I don't think I would get jealous. I think I would just get confused. It's just like, this is too many people to keep track of. What am I, a fucking kindergarten teacher? Gotta corral you in? A poly person's favorite app is Google Calendar. That's what we like to say.

You know that it's, like when people are like okay well then how do you define like a boyfriend i'm like if we share google calendars we are dating and that's how i do it in polyamory wait so you like share a google calendar but how do you revoke sharing your google calendar is it the same way you share it yeah i yeah it's the same way and i have like a separate one that's like poly dates and i just like i kind of block it out generally and this is like when i was dating and like had multiple people now i don't have anything in my calendar ever but like it would just be like oh you know like i have this i don't know work party and i'm gonna bring this date and then on this day i have this and i'm gonna bring this date and I would just like share that with with the person that I mean it's saying it seems complicated to me but also it seems rather simple to me I'm having very complex multiple feelings about this uh have

you been dating during quarantine or no uh sort of I went into quarantine with a partner so i like had someone who was also poly and like he had a primary and that lasted like like six months into quarantine and then we were both just like what are we doing let's break up like we don't get to see each other because i basically was always like it's not worth putting your primary at risk of like catching covid for us to hang out and like break our pods so it's like hard being poly in quarantine because like you you can't see multiple people so it was kind of just like him getting frustrated that he couldn't see me and me just being like i don't know man like i don't think sex is more important than us like not spreading covid and so it like fizzled out and then i have like opened

the apps but i it just seems like the only people who are actively trying to date on dating apps right now are like the worst people like i yes the worst people i agree it seems as if i've only had one person be like what's your temperature on meeting in a park uh for a picnic masked and i'm like oh i mean these are all this is all good yes this this is for me and then i've just had a lot of people be like what if we met we can get tested and i'm like i just where are you going that you're getting rapid tested? What are you going to like, you know, doctor up a little form that's like negative? Like, I don't, I don't trust you. I've had exes like Photoshop, like STD results.

So I know these guys. Wait, really? Oh yeah. And it was a Boston guy. Of course it was a Boston guy. But it was actually kind of funny. I texted him and I was like, yo, I'm pretty sure you gave me chlamydia, one of the minor ones. And he was like, no, I didn't look at this thing from my doctor.

And it was literally just like a Photoshopped email from his doctor because it had different texts. And it just said, hey, STD results were all good. You're in the clear. Happy holidays. Go Sox. Happy holidays. Go Sox. we're all good you're in the clear happy holidays go socks happy holidays go socks i laughed i was just like i i know this is fake like different fonts and also it was like from a month before i was like timing wise you didn't even change the date right but i was like it's just so funny that he was like happy holidays go socks your std results are good he's like it's a real

boston doctor he was more concerned about the red socks and he was just letting me know that everything is a-okay baby i was like you know that i that maybe it was real but i i'm pretty sure it was photoshopped that's truly very funny what a Yeah. I just know that these guys out here are going to be photoshopping COVID tests and being like, I'm good. I had one guy who like we'd been texting for a day and he was like, you want to come over to my house? Come over right now. And I was just like, no. Yeah. No, I don't want to.

Like, first of all, when I think about a man's apartment, I'm like, they're usually i don't say all but they're like nasty yeah they're dirty there's like crunchy towels in the bathroom you're lucky if you've got a fucking bed frame and clean sheets and then it's like now we're gonna put a global pandemic on top of that no thank you it's an extra layer of crust that i don't want to deal with yeah and i feel like in la there's this thing like when i first got out here before the quarantine and I was dating where like there would be guys in these like really nice luxury apartments that they share with like five other guys. And they have no furniture between them, but they're like sleeping, like sharing bedrooms and stuff. And it's like a nice apartment, but they have no like real dishes. And it's just like. apartment but they have no like real dishes and it's just like encountered that i don't yeah i don't know if this is an la thing or if i'm like is this like

the millennial version of like a hype house like you guys can't afford a house and you just share this like apartment and you want me to come over and like sleep on your mattress where you share this bedroom like a living room that you've turned into a bedroom with three other guys uh that truly sounds not good yeah i we are in a housing crisis yeah it's bad it's uh it's not okay it's honestly so depressing i'm just like to rich people i'm like don't you want to like you know give homeless people houses don't you want to like give your It's honestly so depressing. I'm just like to rich people, I'm like, don't you want to give homeless people houses? Don't you want to give your money to a good cause to get people who don't have a house a house?

I don't like seeing people sleeping on the street. So I donate to things. Why don't we? I don't know. But then it's just like it shouldn't be up to private people to fucking fix it. Yeah, I'd just like buy a building and be like, this is a building. Go live in it. Go. Just fix it. Yeah, I'd just like buy a building and be like, this is a building,

go live in it. Go, just do it. I mean, I think the statistic is there's more empty homes and apartments than there are people without homes and apartments.

Yeah. So it's like, just give them homes. Yeah, and then you have like... You heard it here on Why Won't You Date Me? Just give them homes. We solved it.

Just give them homes and instead of having like, I don't't know five guys who moved here from like kansas who are trying to make it like sharing some fucking loft they can't afford what are you looking for in partners oh god uh god i guess right now i'm in a big like stability mood and i'm gonna say that's because the sun is in capricorn uh and venus is in capricorn which is an earth sign and is all about stability so i feel like right now i'm i'm in this mood where i'm like i want the person who i'm gonna be able to have a kid with in the next like two to three years and like get a house with

and i'm like in that kind of mood and then I'm also just like oh I hate leaving my room so I'm never gonna meet that person but I'm just like at a point where I'm like if you don't want to put a baby in me like if you're not that serious just like get out of my my face this may be a very uh naive question so like if someone were to drop a baby in you that would become your primary but then you're still single to your primary so you raise a baby but then would be dating other people yeah and actually having a baby with someone wouldn't make them my primary right now my right now my my like never mind okay i guess i still don't understand polyamory i'm a dummy it's like

it most people i would say probably have kids with their primaries right now i want to have like a kid with my best friend because like he's gay and i'm just like we both want a kid like this will be great we can do it we. We're both super mature, you know. And then I would just have a baby with someone who's my best friend and I'd get to go live my life. Yeah, I mean, that sounds nice. But if I met someone who also I loved and they wanted to have a baby, I would be into that. If also it was like, you know, but sometimes you're going to take this baby so I can go live my life. So you wouldn't live with them. You would just just like split custody is this like too personal to ask

i don't think so but i have really bad boundaries around that i mean i tweet literally every single thought i have in the world so but yeah i i don't know i've never dreamt of like oh i would have like this family and like way picket fence and like we live together but maybe that's because my mom was a single parent so I've always just been like you know you can raise an awesome kid so that's my goal is that like I have a kid with someone who I love who's like my friend who like we just deeply connect and this that's what the kid can be raised in I like that I know I don't want kids. And people keep saying, Nicole, that's going to change when you get older. And I'm like, bitches, I'm getting older. And I want a kid even less.

Yeah. I hate it because I was one of the people who that changed for. My mom was fucking right. I spent my whole life being like, I'm never going to have kids. I don't want kids. And on my 28th birthday, it was so weird. My mom just like, I was smoking weed in her garage because that's the only place you're allowed to at her house and she like just opened the garage

door and came out and was like at 32 you're gonna have a child it's gonna be a girl and then she just closed the door and went back and I was just like what and then the second I turned 30 I just like started being like I'm gonna have a kid in two years and I wanted to be a girl and I was just like what did she incept in me that like flipped this switch wow I hope nobody puts that in my brain I truly I don't I want to keep my money I don't want to have to like work for this child I don't have to get up early to feed it I don't want to have to take it just if I had a kid it would be feral yeah like wouldn't make it to school it wouldn't like know anything I'd be like I don't know this little thing follows me around can you just like teach it to read or something teach it to speak like I I was so I don't ever want kids I want to just travel forever I want to like have lovers all over

the world that was like my goal was like I'll be nice like I just have Parisian lovers and whatever and then all of a sudden I've just been like I need I need the baby I need a baby I need to to have the baby and to have it and to make it cute and I then there was that video of like a little kid doing a lip sync to like one of the protesters at the coup who was like I got made and this little kid was like so perfectly lip-syncing it that i was like oh my gosh i want a little kid one yeah wait was he lip-syncing to the lady who was like i got me yeah we're starting a revolution but she was holding an onion to her eye yeah it's so i'm like was that was she actually? I don't think she was. Who has onions? Was she like playing the part of something?

What is this? What is happening? It's just all so weird. It is bizarre. I've got a lot of white friends. They're nice, good people. But like a lot of them are acting the fuck up. Did you see Gail's interview with Mia Ponza?

Scopa? La ba dee ba doop.'t know enough enough that she instantly became one of my like it should be taught in schools as like what white privilege is what white femininity is the daddy hat everything about the daddy hat, everything about it. The daddy hat, the glasses, the lawyer truly through her teeth being like, shut up. Just shut up. And just looking like, oh, the paycheck I get for this better be worth it. Yeah.

I mean, I don't know if I've like watched something with an open mouth as I did with this. Her being like, I'm a 22. I mean, this episode is going to come out way after this, but, I'm a 22, I mean, this episode is gonna come out way after this, but it's worth a revisit, you guys, if you haven't watched it. But she's like, I'm not racist. I'm a 22-year-old girl.

And I was like, you're saying nothing. You're saying nothing. Just a precious, sweetie, cutie girl accuses a guy. A guy? Oh, and it took her so long to say a guy because her brain was going a black guy and she had the wherewithal at least to be like don't say black don't say black so it took her little brain just a a long time to take a walk around and just say a guy a guy i and what is that a racism yes oh you know i don't want to be you know my whole life for this one incident because gail enough she is iconic okay and she needs to go to jail she got arrested right after that interview she got like pulled over in her car

and they had to pull her out of her car because she refused to get out of it. And I. She's stunning. I need to see the video of that. Like, I can't believe. I would love to see that video. She is iconic in every way. One should not be iconic.

Yes. I love her so much. And I thought it was really wild because initially the reports were like woman, Soho Karen, lady, aggressive aggressive but like posting this kid's name everywhere and i was like why does she get anonymity when like the new york post outed a sex worker like yeah the week before it made no later they put her name out there but i was like why did she get the chance to not have her name it was like a really soft launch around who she was it was like and i wanted the full grand opening of this horrible person. Cause I was like,

I also was like, Oh, it's, I imagine it was like an older white lady. I was like, I don't know. Like the, like a bird watcher,

that lady, I was like maybe that age. And she's like way older. And she just immediately accused. And then when you see that it's like this younger 20 something girl, and you're just like, Oh yeah. Yeah. The Gen z they're racist too great i people love to say that racism will die out with like the boomers or whatever and i'm like do you guys not understand anything like we've been marching and saying please be nice since slavery, since fucking slavery.

So like, what do you, they all died. So like, why didn't it get better? Because they're raising awful people like this bitch. And if you look at like who votes for Trump, there are young millennial white people vote for Trump. College white people vote for Trump. They are racist. Yeah.

And I like, a lot of people are like fuck trump supporters and i'm like well not fuck them you're just not allowed near me like you can have your own you could do whatever you want yeah like i i was someone was telling me about this article where it was like uh will america ever come together no what we do what we need is like the north and the south or whatever or like like actually split and i was like how can we actually split how will they make money cities are what give the rural areas money yeah like i just i'm i'm so confused about like about anything and then i'm like yeah what america are you trying to save i've been to the middle of the country and no offense i can't wait to leave when i get there yeah it's for me it's like not i live in a

city for a fucking reason yeah and also most of these cities that they are like make those like liberal and separate it it's like those are racist too like have you been to portland seattle like there's plenty of well-meaning racist white people there too yes and portland was you know established as a white mecca yeah and their housing laws are really fucked up for black and brown people it's so weird but that being said i do love portland yeah i it's i love portland i have the most fun and i love that weed is legal one of the last time i was there i went on one of the worst dates of my life actually uh with this guy who like ended up being a full-on nazi sympathizer oh no like yeah it was really surprising because

like why are you saying yes to a date with me and like how wait how did you find out that he was a nazi friend uh so we i went to his uh house which it was like a really classic, like old Portland house that was like weird. And he had this like weird room with like, like paint and water dripping from the ceiling. But I was just like, okay, hip, like Portland hipster. And we started talking and somehow he like just kept bringing up German history. And it was like weird because and i studied german history so i was like i was weirdly like i don't know is he bringing this up because he like searched my facebook and saw what i studied or something does he think i want to talk about this

but no like he had no idea he just genuinely just would be like that actually reminds me of this like thing in German history that they call the Übermensch. And I was just like, why are you talking about this? I know what that is, and that's not, no, okay. And then eventually he started going on and on about the Berlin Wall. He just kept talking about the Berlin Wall

and how it had actually screwed Germany over and how Germany should have stayed fast to fascism and everything. And I just lost it and just was like, dude, what are you talking about? Like the Berlin Wall, blah, blah, blah, and just started schooling him in German history. And then he just was like, what do you mean? The German history fell so long ago, like in the 1960s. Um, which if you don't know German history, that is not when the Berlin Wall fell in 1989. And that's when I just like went off. I was just like, you thought you think the Berlin Wall fell in the 60s. And I just was like, no, German history is not that long behind

us and we need to memorize it. And that's when I realized like, oh, this guy is just like a full on Nazi. And he was just like defending everything and had no idea that i studied german history because at that point i brought it up i was just like dude i study this shit and he was so embarrassed that truly sounds i would be so upset if i like drove somewhere for dick and then he was like kyle hitler i'd be like oh but i drove here why did you do this why would you do this yeah i just he had like a couch in his room it was like this gross victorian and i just we sat there the entire time and he like kept trying to like stop the argument and get me to the bed and i was just like no no no no hold up a second what you said about the third reich and what occurred and and i just like wouldn't let it go at that point

because I just like had to make him feel stupid once I realized like he was just a dumb Nazi sympathizer. And then, yeah, I just, I ended up leaving. I think I emasculated him. Do you, so when you go to a different city, do you always go on a date with someone? Oh yeah. How do you get dates?

What am I doing wrong? What are you you what is on your profile what makes this magical dates are my favorite way to date that is like what i missed right now like i being stuck at home and not being able to just like be like oh my job is sending me to new york for two weeks and i can pretend my name is grace on tinder and go out with people i'll never see again that is like what i love to do uh yeah what are you putting on your profile that makes you so uh so wanted i have a hard time just attracting people yeah i guess i'm fairly upfront about what i want but at the same time when I travel I use like alt profiles uh so I don't use my name uh because I'm just like you know that I think immediately kind of sets the tone of like

this is not a thing where you're gonna know me like we're not gonna be keeping in touch so I usually go with like like grace uh Nicole is actually a name I use a lot. Um, and then when you, you know, when you're kind of separated, I just like, we'll be really honest.

Like, Hey, I'm in town for two weeks. I have a hotel room or like an Airbnb. I'm just looking for someone to like show me cool stuff to do. Yeah. Huh. I'm trying to figure out how I can borrow some of that from my profile.

I guess when I'm traveling, I could just change it to be like, I'm just in town for three days. Show me cool stuff. But usually I'm doing shows and I have no desire to see any fucking cool stuff. I'm tired. I'm sleeping. Fuck me. Fuck me and then leave me alone. Yeah.

Yeah. That's like kind of like when I like before, I guess I'm trying to like, I keep thinking of it like the before times. That's what it is. It is definitely the before times. I feel like I was hitting that point where I was just like inviting guys to shows. I would just be like, oh yeah, I'm in town and like I have these shows. You can come to those.

And then they would come. And if I didn't click, I would just be like, oh, Hey, so actually I'm really tired, but thanks for coming to my show. Honestly, I'd be so upset if I went to someone's comedy show and they were like, Hey,

see you later. I'd be like, no, I sat through comedy. I had to sit through this. I'm a horrible person because I've 100% done that. I, I think the worst worst when i was in chicago i invited this guy to an open mic which is not even i was i was on the open mic and then i signed up and i knew that my friend was hosting so i was gonna go up eventually

and then i invited him to the open mic barely talked to him because i was just talking to other comics the whole night and then we we'll just kind of be like, Oh, Hey. And then like, I went up, did my jokes and he was like, you were so funny.

And I was just like, Oh, thanks. But like, I just really don't feel like we're clicking here tonight, but thank you for staying for the open mic. Ashley. We didn't click.

All right. I guess if you didn't click, it's nicer to be open and honest than like pretending that something was happening that wasn't happening. Yeah. Although I did find out later that that guy put that story in his Tinder profile. Because my friend found him and she like sent me a screenshot and she was like, Ashley, this sounds like something you would do. And he had put like in his thing, like the worst date I've ever been on is when a girl invited me to an open mic that she was performing on and then ditched me right after i will say i agree with him uh i think that is quite possibly the worst date one could ever be invited on yeah yeah no they he was right

he was in the right 100 in the right i that was like my real asshole phase of just like i go to open mics and i drink until three in the morning so like what do you want with me dude fair i mean wait how so you said your longest relationship was the one you were engaged and then after that a year so are you looking to be in a like a long you don you looking to be in a long-term? You don't want to be in a long-term relationship. That's what I'm gathering. I'm just kind of like, well, if it happens, okay. But it's not something I'm trying to make happen. Okay.

I don't know. If I meet someone and they're cool and we just are meant to have six months together, that's great. If we're meant to have a lifetime together, okay. You But right. That's a good way to think. Okay. So what, what is a good thing? What is a good opening line on these dating apps? I assume you're doing the one, the approaching. Yeah. Uh, I mean, God, yeah. In the before, I feel like I did a lot of approaching, I guess. So what are you saying to hook these peoples? God, it's been so long. I feel like I try, I mean, I definitely had periods in my life where I would just be like

overtly sexual and I would just be like, I'm trying to fuck you, want to fuck, let's go. You know, pussy's so wet, you got to want to fuck let's go um you know pussy so wet you gotta paddle in let's do this um and then like i i matured and now i'm more like so my favorite activities are clipping plants at the botanica would you like to do that with me yeah i okay that seems good i used to be very overtly sexual and then after years of that not working out in my fucking favor yeah yeah that didn't work out for me trying to be less sexual but like i don't in the before times i would be like less sexual and pretty aloof and then go out with people get very drunk and then be like let's fuck yeah so i mean that also wasn't working for me so i

don't fucking know what's gonna be up in the at the after time when we're all fucking loose and free honestly i plan on like slutting it up for like yes the first like maybe half of the year where we have a vaccine and we're allowed to hug and be near each other again and then i'll buckle back down and be like, I would like to be in a relationship. I just like need to fuck right now. I have been using a Theragun to masturbate. Holy shit.

I'm like jackhammering my clit off every fucking night. You tweeted that. I have a friend who does their Google ads and I sent them to that and I was like, you need to put this on all the display ads. Put this on all the billboards. Send this to your client because Therag people to know they do that it is one of the most powerful things i love it so much it is honestly a godsend i can't i use the hitachi magic one which is like more intense than that and it's great if you are looking to feel again. Yeah, because my Hitachi during this time in quarantine,

I've desensitized. That's not getting the job done. Then use the Theragun. Also, I have a thing called a Tracy's dog that I talk about a lot. I love a Tracy's dog. So it's a part that sucks your clit and then a little loop-de-loop into your pussy

and it vibrates in there too in your little G-spot. i also have a g-spot vibrator that i think is really great it's a teal blue with a little bulby end i got one of those and i got like the the suctiony thingy that's like separate which is like pretty good okay you know like the womanizer i have so many fucking toys it is upsetting i actually was telling a friend recently that I've made my own boyfriend in quarantine because I figured out this way of like wrapping myself in a weighted blanket. Well, it's actually a layered process. First, I have this fleece dress blanket that I put on. It's like a giant slinket, but with a hoodie. And then I put that on and then I wrap myself in a weighted blanket.

And then I have a heated blanket that I put on top of that because you want the heat of a lover, you know? So that's how I get that. And then I plug that in and then I get the Hitachi and then you got a boyfriend. And then all my friends were like, you're going to set yourself on fire. Honestly, you might. But I mean, if you come in like a ball of flames, I think that is a great way to go out. Yeah. It's a lot of friction, but like it's basically a boyfriend.

Yeah. Yeah. OK. So, Ashley, we've come to the end. I ask all of my guests this. I've only missed a couple. Would you date me? Yes, absolutely.

Yes. I love when people say yes and I get sometimes sad sad when they say no, but also I fully understand. And I'm like, OK, well, do you have anything you want to promote? My podcast TV? I say pod. It's all about TV and loving TV and just talking to people who make TV about TV. And it's really funny. And you should listen to it.

And then we didn't even talk about 90 Day Fiance, which I write about. talking to people who make tv about tv and it's really funny and you should listen to it uh and then we didn't even talk about 90 day fiance which i write about and i'm currently writing about the eighth season which is so crazy right now it's good i'm really i'm like a little concerned about if they're going to be able to keep up with the breakneck speed that they were pumping these shows out uh do you watch the family chantelle yes the family chantelle and darcy and stacy are two of the best produced reality shows i have ever seen in my life yes they capture the best shit from these people the best moments and it's like they there's no like favoritism of like we want want to make Darcy and Stacy look good or this family look good. No, it is just like,

make them look how they look. Yes. Iconic Darcy and Stacy getting spray tan and bikinis after they do pussy exercises on a garbage, a garbage fucking trash bag. Yeah. It's, I would love to be their neighbors.

Look outside and be like, those fucking, uh, tan twins are doing it again. Doing it again. And then just the daughters, her daughters, Darcy's daughters,

and how they're just constantly like, mom, what the, what the hell? What are you doing? What are you doing? I call them Jansport and Exxon. I don't know their actual names.

I think it's, yeah, it's, I don't know, like Aspen and something. Aspen and J crew. I don't know. Yeah.

Jansport and Exxon to me. well also what's your twitter so people can follow your new twitter yeah at a ray a a r a y y a y which is not easy to remember it's okay the people will have to just rewind or ask me in a dm because sometimes they'll be like what's your code for that thing and i'm like i don't know probably date date me baby but you know a r a y y a y yeah ashley ray i'm just google it i'm sure i'll come up or something google uh put it in the twitter um if you like this episode of why won't you date me you can like it you can rate it you can subscribe on apple podcast i think uh if you send me something You can like it. You can rate it. You can subscribe on Apple Podcasts, I think. If you send me something nasty, I will read it.

This person said, salutations, Nicole. I'm going to order a custom sex doll of you and fuck it so hard it breaks. Or that's when I'm going to tell customer service to get a refund. If they push me to return it, I'll offer to send a video of the incident to prove it and hope they will leave the issue alone. I will, however, send you the video with your consent and a custom doll of myself to fuck along with my film i will send your video in return i watch your video while making sex to your doll and send it back there's a lot of work yeah there's a lot of steps involved too i will send a video back of you watching this new film while writing silicone me and we'll go back and forth like this back and forth to and fro filming ourselves railing cold dead eyed sex bots creating some sort of homemade porn inception until one of us dies or the pandemic ends uh if you're worried about the videos getting out this

is long i can delete the files destroy my computer and kill myself i'm happy to be a martyr for your orgasms let me know your thoughts on where to send the doll. Warmest regards. I gotta say, friend, that was wild. What a wild ride. Okay, bye-bye. Bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me

with me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me is produced and engineered by oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solo-Taroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you.

Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a treat. What a dream! What a dream! Ha ha ha! This has been a Team Coco production.