Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Power-Bottom (w/ Monique Heart)

Episode Date: August 2, 2019

"I thought I had contracted an STD where I was rotting from the inside"Drag queen Monique Heart (RuPaul's Drag Race Season 10, All Stars Season 4) has never been in a real relationship. He shares his experiences with growing up in a religious upbringing, the girl he once wanted to marry, and his fear of the new wave of STDs. Also, they dive into their kinks and all the crazy public places they've done it.Plus, Nicole keeps walking in on her friends having sex, and is getting prepositioned threesomes from fans.Pre-order Monique's new EP/Biography today!You can play along and see Nicole's dating app profiles and photos on her Facebook at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance to have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyBuy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=9649

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please! Tell me why! Ooh, baby! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? It's a podcast where me and a cold buyer tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though if you asked me to clip your toenails and keep them in a locket, I would do that.

I'm running out of these little intro things. And that one's the grossest one I think I've come up with. Okay, my guest today, I'm so excited. You know her. You love her. Actually, what are your pronouns? Do you like her or do you like him? I go by him, her.

Look, as long as you pay me, I really don't care. Okay. Well, I'm not going to pay you. Actually, I will. I have to retroactively pay everyone who's been on the podcast okay because I've made some money on it

yeah so you will get a little Venmo okay on the phone my guest today you've heard a little bit of the voice

and I bet you're excited it's Monique Hart oh wow boop boop boop RuPaul's Drag Race season 2 All Stars season

4 no girl I'm not that old wait which season RuPaul's Drag Race Season 2! All-Star Season... Four? No, girl! I'm not that old! Wait, which season? RuPaul's Drag Race Season 10, the one that has an Emmy. Yes, I said 10! Oh, I thought you said two.

No, 10! I was like, girl, she's putting me back there with, like, Raja. No, no, no, no, no! 10! Yeah, 10, and then All-Star's four. 10, 10, 10, four, yes.

Okay. She said two. I was like, two? Girl, that's before they had a budget. That part. Oh, but those are what my favorite seasons? Girl, that's before they had a budget. That part. Oh, but those are my favorite seasons. Those are some of the best seasons, though. See, I just rewatched season one.

It is so funny. Girl, that RuPaul glaze filter. Oh, I love it. They just took Vaseline. They took Vaseline. They said, nobody will know these are men in dresses. And the world went, huh. I guess they're not men in dresses.

I guess not. You know, back in the 80s and 90s, they had Maury. Maury, that's a man because they didn't have their Vaseline on the screen. I guess they stopped doing that. They really did.

Which is probably for the best. Probably. It's very problematic now. Audience members stand up and scream, Maury, that's a man! Monique, thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for having me I truly adore you

you are one of the funniest queens I think to go through the show honestly you asking how to paint on all stars is iconic how do you paint up and down who says and the answer was Jesus

and then you did it the other way I swore I've seen somebody paint a wall like one of those ways and I was just like. I think what you saw was someone going diagonal. Maybe. Not horizontal. But I truly paused it

and was like, huh, that's my favorite thing that's happened. Yeah, girl, but yeah, I can, you know, garden. I can mow the grass. Actually not true. When I was 10 years old, my mom used to be like Yeah, I can, you know, garden. I can mow the grass. Actually, not true. When I was 10 years old, my mom used to be like, go cut the grass. And I would pay somebody $10 to cut the grass.

Really? The grass was probably as big as this, like, this table right here. You know, but that was it. I'm not cutting it. No. Fair. I don't think I've ever cut grass before. No, but I did like to look at the men who did.

Mm-hmm. So did the ladies in my neighborhood, because my dad would cut the grass in bike shorts and you better believe i grew up with a bunch of white people so when i was an adult i realized why women would stop by the house and be like hi trevor how's it going trevor they didn't call him mr buyer nope it was trevor and like they always had makeup on. And it looked really nice. And I was just like, our neighborhood's friendly. It's like, nope. There's a man with a big black dick and bike shorts doing like yard work.

Where was your mom? Oh, she was inside. She was not threatened at all. My mother was a very confident woman. Not threatened in the slightest. I live. Yeah. After they both passed and after my dad passed away,

me and my sister found an economy-sized box of condoms in his, like, armoire. And we were like, oh, so I guess they be fucking. So I guess that's why she was not worried. Girl, go on ahead. Go and look, girl. It's fine. Monique, where did you grow up? I was born and raised in Long Island, New York. Oh, go on ahead. Go on, look, girl. It's fine. Monique, where did you grow up? I was born and raised in Long Island, New York.

So, Roosevelt, Hempstead, Freeport, all of that. And then in 2001, the devil... Yes! Yes! Is it a text or is it a call? No, it's a merch. I'm about to go on tour, so it's my merch guy. He's like, hey, we got everything. Sorry about that. I grew up in Long Island, New York.

And then I moved to Virginia in 2000. Okay. And then moved to Kansas City in 2008 to pray the gay away and do seminary and Bible college and all of that. And seminary, I'm super, like I grew up Christian, but I'm not familiar with the ins and outs of like how you get into the church. So seminary. How you get in. You just walk in and the doors of the church are open. Well, what's seminary?

I know how you get into a church. But like being a deacon and a deaconess, how do you do that? Do you have to go to seminary? No, I mean, to be a deacon, you just, like, usually deacons and, like, you know. You just have to be an old black man. Yeah, you know, and just faithful, show up, you know, unlock the church, you know, cut the grass, you know, hang out with the pastor and stuff like that to be a deacon, I guess. I don't really know. So it's like a fraternity without the hazing.

Girl. Because you're also paying dues. I mean, it goes to the Lord, but, like, you're paying dues for some friends. Oh, foolish. Right? So accurate, though. So accurate, girl. So accurate.

And people in the community are still homeless and hungry. But you got a Bentley. But, hey, that part. I mean, it's wild that a pastor, like, when I was 17, I was like, so, wait. We pay for his house, for him, his daughter, her kids, his wife. Her kids. That part. That part. Yeah. You got to move out on your own. And we're paying his car note. his daughter her kids his wife her kids that part that part

you gotta move out on your own and we're paying his car note her car note her kids car what and I was like

and then they're like he works so hard you know praying and I was like how okay but like show me something tangible

instead of paying that house bill how about you go into the community and do something that was like when I was like I don't know about organized religion. Yeah, girl. It's very.

But tell me about seminary. Seminary school, it was crazy. You know, I. So when I filled out my application to go, you know, I opened up about my testimony, my story and how I struggled. SSA, same sex attraction. Oh, that's what they call it? Yes, girl. The little acronyms, girl.

Anyway, I did that. And so I had to go through this, like, other inner healing that was, like, for the hoes, the homosexuals, and, like, anyone else who had, like, codependency, emotional dependency issues or whatever. Oh, my goodness. So this is, is like conversion therapy. Yes, but not the hardcore extreme stuff like we're going to strap you to a chair, make you look at porn. And yeah, there's real like shock therapy.

Whoa. They make you look at straight porn? Yeah. Like this is the one you like. This is the one. Yeah. Very that girl. Crazy.

That's a lot. That's a lot. That's intense. Very, very that girl. Oh, no thank you. No thank you. Very that, girl. Crazy. That's a lot. That's a lot. That's intense. Very, very that, girl. No, thank you. No, thank you. Very that. And even if I was strapped down to a chair looking at straight points, I promise you,

I'd have been looking at his wing-wing, okay? Very that. I'm not looking. It's so rude. I remember as a kid, I was thinking about this the other day, like, because Netflix has some new show, and they showed everything, girl. I was like, oh, that's hers and his. Okay.

But I remember as a kid, like if you saw a pair of boobs, you know that humping was common. So you know a man was going to be there. And I remember when I was thinking like, oh, I used to get so turned on by boobs and was like, no, I used to know that if boobs are there,

a man's going to be there too. So there you have it. That's so funny to realize. You're like, oh, I thought I loved them titties but no but I was like oh no the titties mean a dick is a comment

a dick is coming very bad oh maybe that's what I was getting I think I was just excited that people were fucking when I was little I was just like

ooh wee they're doing something that people keep telling us not to your mother be like cover your eyes no my mom was very open like she was a Christian deep in the church They're doing something that people keep telling us not to. Your mother be like, cover your eyes. No, my mom was very open.

Really? She was a Christian, deep in the church, but was like a realistic person. So I have a very vivid memory of watching Soul Food. Oh, that was a girl. When Faith is pushed up against the wall by- That was a sexy girl. I can't remember whose husband. That sexy black man girl. Yes.

After it was done, my mother looked at me and she went, that takes a lot of stamina. It is hard to have sex standing up. And then she left the room and I was like, what a way to leave a room to tell me that that sex is impossible. And then to just leave me with that.

Girl, I remember it was Under Siege with... Who's the guy? Something Seagal. Steven Seagal. Him. He had some movie and some woman jumped out of a cake and she was dancing topless. And my mother was like, no, you shall not watch it. And I'm thinking now, like, my mom didn't get cable because she didn't want me to watch porn and stuff.

And I'm like, girl, maybe a pair of titties would have helped me. I don't know. Maybe you'd have had grandkids by now. Who knows? Do you have siblings? Well, my dad was a hoe. Oh, of course. So he has another wife and children I've never met.

Oh, okay. So it's just me and my mom. That's sweet. Moms are good. Very that. Or I mean, unless your mom's terrible, then she's not good. But my mother was great. I have a great wife.

I love her. Praise God. So after going through seminary, when did you decide that that wasn't the path for you? Like year four, I think it was just like, I'm broke. I love you. I can't do this anymore. I'm going to hair school. I'm going to like fulfill a dream of mine.

And for the most part, I really thought like, this is it. Like my friend came up to me and she was like, hey, I had a dream. I'm supposed to give you some money. I had no money to pay for like the deposit and everything. She gave me a check. I was like, okay. Then my friend came and to me and she was like hey I had a dream I'm supposed to give you some money I had no money to pay for like the deposit and everything she gave me a check I was like okay then my friend came and stayed with me he left like $750 on a bed on my bed after he stayed with me and I was just like I have my money for my deposit so let me go I started and everyone in hair school was like you're straight yeah right I was like yeah I'm gonna get married and this is her dress and they were like you have her dress picked out and they were like yeah you're so and I was like, yeah, I'm going to get married, and this is her dress. And they were like, you have her dress picked out?

And they were like, yeah, you're so. And I was like, no, it's totally fine. I'm a man. I know what I want. I know what kind of dress I need her in. Yes. I have the colors and everything. Floor arrangements.

Pinterest was real. I love it so much. I don't know how I thought I was going to get there and do it. But I've had to figure it out. Yeah, and then I think, so I started hair school September 2010. I think I was, we started going out in November 2010, and then I was like, okay, I'm going to stop. I'm going to, like, push all the gay back in in January for, like, the new year. And I was like, I'm not going to believe in it anymore. New year, not a gay. Not a gay.

Yeah. New year, not a gay. Just no, no, no, girl. And it lasted for three months. And then, yeah, it was crazy. I mean, what an interesting thing that religion does to people. Like, it says that God accepts all children, except if you're this, this, and this, and this. And I was like, that's not—I don't think that's right.

It's so weird because you can see the politics in, like you said, organized religion and how, I would say, our own brokenness interpreted by Scripture. You know, your brokenness reads something. So I feel like preachers in their own brokenness, they look at homosexuality and they're like, oh, you're so horrible. You know, the Bible couldn't—and I'm like,ers in their own brokenness, they look at homosexuality and they're like, oh, you're so horrible. You know, the Bible couldn't. And I'm like, wait a minute. You can't talk about all this other love and compassion that this man had. And so for me, I go with everything I learned about him as a father. I go, yeah, I'm not buying it.

This is where I go. In those biblical days where there was no condoms and no douching. Nobody was douching back then. No one was doing that. I think, you know what I mean? And we know that the Romans and Grecians was humping everybody. Everybody and everything. But they also was trying to, you know, they was little limp limps and, you know, little drip drips.

So the good book, the father was like, look, I love y'all. Look, I don't want your meat to fall off. The shit in your urethra is gone. It's done. And penicillin came out in 1946. So you was just screwed.

So I said, well, maybe he was just being a loving father. And your brokenness interpreted that he's barking at me. No, he's just trying to save my penis. What is it, Pinot Noir? Girl, he loved it. He's not letting that thing get corrupted. I love that you're like, your interpretation of the Bible is, homosexuality is a sin, so your meat don't fall off.

Well, just, you know, I think it was just the viewing of it. You know what I mean? I think it was really like, shit down your urethra. That's gross. That's, you know what I mean? If everything was about cleanliness, you know what I mean? Impurity or whatever. Then that part, because what the world has done is they always view homosexuality

as just sex. Yes. But the reality is, me and the guy at Starbucks who's handing me my coffee, he winks at me when he says my name. My heart flutters. But I didn't think about his penis or anything like that, but I'm still gay. So if it can get out of this realm of just sex, and if homosexuality can be finally viewed as orientation, you know what i mean like

it would be what's the word i hate the word natural but that's it would be easier for people who didn't understand it to appreciate that it's like the way you feel about the opposite sex is the way some people feel about the same sex and Very bad. And it's fine. It is okay. I also think people that are like, when they bark at, you know, gay people and queer people and all the, you know, all the lovely alphabets that we have. I really feel like they have horrible sex lives.

I really do. I agree. Like, you don't look healthy. You don't look like your man is putting in work. Your lady looks like she's not riding you well. So clearly, maybe y'all see that aggressive man. Uh-huh. You want that, sis?

I don't know. I honestly think so. I think a lot of people who are like, being gay is bad are either suppressing something that they feel. Bad. Or they're having bad sex. I see people having fun. Because you can't look at the gay pride parade and be like those people are sinning

and they're sad it's like they're the happiest people you've ever seen that part I think if your walls got knocked off regularly you know

that headboard was broken girl there would be no talk you'd be like girl just let them people live come on John come on mister what was your dad's name

Trevor come on Trevor we gotta go work out. You know what I mean? There'll be no time for that foolishness. Also, the flag is a rainbow. Yeah. All of the colors.

It's like if you don't like one, we got so many others. What was that? Lisa Frank? Yeah. Very that. I wanted one just for the fact of the colors. Yes, the colors make you happy. It's just like, oh my gosh.

This is blue, red, green, lovely purple. Indigo. Indigo. Love this. Indigo is such a pretty name for a color. Indigo. I walked in on my two friends having sex this week. Oh, really?

Yes. Oh my gosh. I have been trying to have sex and it's just not been working out in my favor. So I guess I've got this, like, energy that, like,

I need sex near me. And then the universe is like, you can be near it, but you cannot have it. Is that what it is? I feel like that's... I don't know.

I was in Napa and we were all sharing rooms because it was this big house and there was, like, 10, 12 of us and I was going to the bathroom,

like our private bathroom in the room and not the bathroom in the living room because I was like, oh, someone's in there, let me go in here. And my two friends were like on the bed and I was like, are they naked? Like when I opened the door and I was like, what are you, sucking each other's dicks?

Like as a joke and they were like, no, why would we be doing that? And I was like, I don't know. Then I went to the bathroom. I was like, I think, I think they were. And then I left the bathroom and they were fully fucking. And I was like, why didn't you wait until I left? And they were like, sorry.

I was like, it's fine. I have to get out of here. And the lights were off and I tripped over a suitcase and I fell down. And it was like a very big kerfuffle. And I was like, I have to get out of here. And then my friend was like, I would help you up but there's cum on my hands

and I was like, this is a nightmare. This is dramatic. And then I walked in on them again. They were at the far living room and I was going to set my stuff in there because I had to leave at 3 a.m. to make my 6 a.m. flight.

So I was like, oh, I'll sleep in the back living room. Everything will be fine. As I was setting my stuff down, I heard. And I just went, no. And he was like, we went to the furthest place in this house. How did you find us again? I was like, I don't know.

I think my body was like, the sex is happening. Maybe someone will invite you in. But no, they sure didn't. Oh, my gosh, girl. It was very, very silly. I feel that way, too. Sometimes I've been thinking about this because I know, here you go. My mom, strong, single, black woman, right?

And, you know, strong, single, black women are, who know who they are, are like, what is the word? That word. Intimidating? A little, but there was something a little bit more bougie, I wanted to say. I think it can be very intimidating. Let's just go with that, right? I think I may come across the way that

come across intimidating sometimes not wanting to but i'm like i don't okay i know the flirting is working okay great but i'm not gonna give you too much like okay because we can find another one on tumblr like just wipe up okay i'm not gonna give it to you but then then after a point, I'm like, wait, so there was Kim. What? What's the tea? Like, why doesn't it? So are you single right now? Very single. I've had beautiful, luxurious moments that, like, I had a lover in Amsterdam.

I don't call him a lover. I mean, I love him. Were you here? I was. Yeah, I met him here. And then I did a gig in London. And I was like, hey, I'm going to be here. You want to meet up and like hang out? And he was like, yeah, I'll fly into London and then you can fly back with me and stay

in my house. Uh-huh. So he came and visited me in London and then I flew back with him to Amsterdam and then we did the whole like travel around. You do the boat. Girl, that was so romantic. Oh my God, that's so romantic. I love him, girl. Okay, you ready for the gag? Yes. Okay, this was so romantic. Oh, my God. That's so romantic. I love him, girl.

Okay, you ready for the gag? Yes. Okay, this is very fun to do on your podcast. So, I, while kissing him, you know how you come out of it? Uh-huh. Girl, I saw my stepdad, and it was kind of gaggy, like, in a moment. And then I was like, oh, my God. And for the longest time, I was trying to figure out, like, my type.

Mm-hmm. My stepdad was, like, 6'4", Native American, dark hair, dark features, very angular. Mm-hmm. Honk, honk. Oops, gave his name out. I can beep that out. Do you want me to beep it out? Yeah, bleep that out. Okay, can you beep it out with a honk, honk?

Yeah. This individual's, he is high cheekbones, angular, like, very, very that T. And I go, oh, my gosh. Like all the guys I've really ever liked. Kind of like my stepdad. Fit into that. Very, very that. It's so kind of weird.

But I'm like, oh, because anyway, I had that lovely situation. And then I had some big Mickey Mouse man. What do you mean? Girl, he's gorgeous. My big Mickey Mouse man. He's my big Mickey Mouse man. Girl, I love him. Like a Disney prince? Yeah, like's gorgeous. My big Mickey Mouse man. He's my big Mickey Mouse man, girl. I love him. Like a Disney prince?

Yeah, like, he looks like one. Oh, okay. Like, just. Because I was like, does he sound like Mickey Mouse? Is he like, hold on. No, but he, like, loves Disney. You know what I mean? He was very, like, I love cartoons.

Like, the little rat from. Ratatouille? No, the rat from Oscar from Kermit and the Frog. What's his name? The rat from Ratatouille? No! The rat from Oscar from Kermit and the Frog. What's his name? The rat from Kermit? Kermit and Miss Piggy and like,

what's that? There's a rat? Yeah. Wait, Marissa, do you know about this rat? Who's the What's the name of the show though? The Muppets.

The Muppets. Okay, so there's a rat. There's a Muppet rat? There's a Muppet rat and I forgot a Muppet rat, and I forgot whatever. Anyway, he was. Okay. Rizzo the rat? Yeah, that one.

Rizzo the rat. That's his fate. You know what I mean? So, but like, we didn't, like, date. I met this man right after I filmed All Stars. So I was on television for a full year, no break, hit the road working. Drag race is hard. It is very like emotional enjoyment the way they sequester us girl is like intense so when I found these loving arms girl of this six foot four like Adonis I was like oh I met him girl no but I've

never like really really like dated dated dated so you've never had a relationship? Nah. Not, like, you're my man and, like, yeah. Me either. So crazy. Okay, we have to take a break. Okay. And we're back. Lovely.

Some ad ran. Who knows? Okay, so you've never had, a true relationship like where you were like you are my boyfriend and i'm your boyfriend me either and people are always very stunned to find that out and i'm very i'm stunned to find that out about you. Are you serious? What do you mean? No. And you're like, girl, bye. It's like I would come up with a better lie to tell you. Yeah.

I just bared my soul to you and you went, can't be true. Can't be true. Well, I can't figure it out either. That part. So have you ever dated a lady? I had girlfriends like in elementary, but not like as a man. No. Okay, here you go. Right before I came, I was in seminary school and but not like as a man. No.

Okay, here you go. Right before I came, I was in seminary school and it was this girl named Ruth. She was from Louisiana. She was Southern. But when I tell you she loved the Lord and she was fiery, honey. And she didn't,

she would make her own granola. She didn't eat meat. I loved her. And I wanted to marry Ruth. And I would have done it. Thank God I didn't because I would have cheated on her. I probably would have been one of those men

that I was sleeping with that was married with like children and all of those yeah very bad so praise God I didn't but no I've never okay

have you ever done touched it yes that was not my next question but I love that you went there because in my brain I feel like you saying touched it just means one pointer finger. Just touch the outside of someone's pussy and you went, no, thank you. Girl, no, the 90s and the truth or dare, girl.

Oh, my gosh. It was truth or dare. Damn, girl. Not going to outdare me, bitch. I'm bold. I got this. I agree with you. I agree. You cannot outdare me bitch I'm bold I got this I agree with you I remember but

I agree you cannot outdare me I'll do anything it's so scary girl it's so funny oh that's so funny no my question was have you ever used

dating apps girl I remember I tried getamatch.com eHarmony eHarmony sent me to another website girl it was so, eHarmony. eHarmony sent me to another website. Girl, it was so crazy.

eHarmony also rejected me. Okay, I didn't know if it was real. It was because it was like a hundred questions. It was too many questions. And they asked the same questions again. Different way, yeah. And I would just answer it differently because I felt different at that point. And I guess they were like, this woman's a sociopath.

They said I was part of the 3% of unmatchable people, which this was like 10 years ago, so maybe their algorithm is different. But I don't need to be on eHarmony. I don't need someone to tell me that my lifestyle is sinful or whatever. Is that what they do? Because it's like a Christian-based dating

site. That's why I saw one of those boys that I was in seminary school with on the commercial. Really? Yes. Well, yeah, that makes sense because they're seeking out the Christians. Oh, why don't they just bump up Christian Mingle then? And the gag, honey, is that you get over there. True tea?

T.S. Madison is not joking when she says, and Christian Mingle. Honey, I'm going to let you know something. Some of these brothers, honey, Look, they don't care. I wish our community did not stigmatize being LGBTQ as much as we do because then you wouldn't have dudes being on the DL, fucking

unsafe, and then going home to their wife and fucking them unsafe. That part. If we were just open and talked about shit, this man could just live the life he wanted to live with another man and then this woman could just go be just do whatever she wants or i also you know and it's very weird because i feel like this is uh a weird uh touchy spot but i think if if people really give grace for sexual fluidity, I think like there wouldn't be this heart. Like some people are really pan and they just go like,

if I'm into you, I'm into you. That's a world that's really not talked about unless you're some crazy little hippie. You know what I mean? But that's real. And so just because you may not have experienced that world on a regular basis does not mean that those feelings and that identity is not there.

So it's so like, there's a lot of pan women who are bisexual women or women who are just like, don't identify as anything out there. Like there are a lot of late in life lesbians who do not identify as lesbians. They were married to a man for a super long time. And then they hit 50 and they were like, fuck this bullshit. I fell in love with this woman and I want to spend the rest of my days with her.

But they're like, I'm not a lesbian. And it's like, well, OK, whatever. You know, because it's they're more so that like old school way of like Aunt June had like, you know, her friend that lived with her. Very type of that. So we're like we're committed where but we're not. her very type of that so we're like we're committed we're but we're not the and all it is once again it's the stigma of being a lesbian or you know they're not one's not like a fishy to a bull as they would say back in the day girl you know so it's that weird yeah it's so yeah it's so interesting it really blows my mind back over girl if back over, girl, if I don't.

Now, I don't know about the sex part. Girl, you know, I have money now, so we'll buy her a lovely assortment of toys. Yes, yes, yes. Get you a strap on and call it a day. Girl, no, I couldn't do that part. You know, we can... No. No, no, no, no, no. No.

No. No. I mean, like, I would buy them for her and she, okay, sis, it's 10 o'clock. I'm going to leave you alone. I'll see you on Thursday. But it's Tuesday. I'll see you on Thursday. Yeah, I'll see you on Thursday, girl, you know.

I do, like, I think about, I know I'm moody as hell. I'm a true Gemini. But somehow in me, I feel like I'm slightly a Taurus. Someone was talking about like rising moon. I was like, okay, y'all going too deep. I'm scared now. But they say rising moon is like a Taurus. So I'm really emotional. Socially, I'm like, whoa, life of the party.

La, la, la, la, la. Emotionally, I'm like, hold me. Right? But the older I get, I've recognized like I'm 33. Not dating in these traditional whatever ways. Right. But the older I get, I've recognized, like, I'm 33. Mm-hmm. Not dating in these traditional whatever ways. Well, it's hard.

I've become okay with, like, I love Kevin even more. And then the fact of, like, someone always being there. Ooh, like, in my house. Ooh, you got a guy. I feel that, too. I feel like I, even if I do date someone, like, I feel like, okay, the most high, you know, God has set me up. Like, I want you to be in a good place. Because the man I want, I know he's going to be like, oh, honey, you have to come to the—because that's what I want.

I'm very there. So let me get myself together. Okay, cute, but can you stay in your house over there? You can spend the night. You can even spend the night for two days. But you need to live. You have to leave my house. I can't, girl.

The thought of sharing my space feels insane. I don't know where that person would put their clothing. I have a lot of clothes. I have a lot of belongings. I don't know where you would go. And it's me and Monique. Oh, yes. Oh, my God.

Because you have boy stuff and then the drag. Come on, the drag. My God. That must be intense. But that's another thing. Like, even I have met some guys, you know, being out and about. And, you know, there are certain guys that are, excuse me, bold enough to go ahead and approach me. All right.

Now, I don't know about you, but when a man puts his hand in the middle of your back. For everyone who's listening, that is the sign that you are dealing with a man. OK, right. Right there, girl. OK. And for those that don't know. OK, so in the middle of your back, you should still have at least a good two, maybe three inches. From the butt. From the butt. Yes. Right there. Because if it lands on the, like at the top of the butt,

I'm like, eh, you're being a little fresh. Right, too fresh. But like when you're just like right there. I feel loved right now touching myself. Everybody,

just go ahead and just touch the middle of your back, bitch. Yes. And then you get eye contact. You do. And then when the voice is there. Right. And the voice is right, you're just like, oh, Will. Oh, yeah. I dated this dude who did that to me on our first date.

He opened the door for me. The hand went on the small of my back, and I looked up at him, and we made eye contact. And I was like, Will, I'm going to fuck the shit out of him tonight. Are you going to have all of my groceries, girl? I'm going to suck the soul out of this man's dick and I did I was just like you remember that scene from scary movie when he shot her up to the ceiling after she that part girl that part yeah like it when they come up to you and they do that, so I've had a few, and it's like, great, so they're cool, we can talk. You know, and I recognize that I'm very bold, but I'm shy.

I'm very shy. I kind of do like to play the little dams, so I do like you to be taller than me. And if you're short, then you just better have, like, dick for days. Or know how to work the one you got, you know? If it's six or short, you can go home. Just go home. We're not playing with that. Goodbye.

But it's hard for the guy that may be trying to talk to me in that moment. And just even just whatever for the constant fandom to come up and I can, you know, that's a lot for them. Yes. And I go. Yes, because it must be so hard to go to a gay bar. It's, girls kind of hard. You can go to the sushi restaurant and they'll be like. Oh go to a gay bar. It's girls. My God. You can go to the sushi restaurant and they'll be like. Oh, yeah, fair.

Anywhere, really. It really is. Emmy nominated. Emmy winning. Yes, girl. The people know. Girl, and they know Miss Brown Cow. Brown Cow stunning.

I was in the hardware store and this woman's holding like mulch or something for the ground. I don't know. You know, I don't do yard work. And she's like brown cows stunning and i turn around and i'm like yeah she's like hi what are you doing and i'm like i need a duct tape just yeah i don't know girl how do we also tell me this do you find like so you're in your 30s right yes uh i'm gonna be i was born in 86 so i'm gonna be 33 or 32 33 no you should be either 33 going to be 33 okay so i'm gonna be 33 in august yeah okay

because 2020 you'll be 34 like me okay great so the older i get and the more money I get, do you? The less time I have for dummies. For the bullshit. I have no time for the fuck boys unless we fucking and then you need to go. But we really not doing it because I'm very scared of like HIV is real, but I'm not scared of HIV because I know what to do. It's the other stuff. Yeah. When you, girl, I moved here. Don't bring me the bumps.

The drip, drip, the bump, bump, the bump. Don't bring me the lumps. No, thank you. I moved here and there was a sign that said chlamydia. The hidden STD right there on Hollywood Boulevard. I said, oh, no. And you think, and then here comes the tray just looking all sexy, walking. I said, I'm not touching none of you.

None of you. No, ma'am. And truly the way those billboards are, if you're not in L.A., L.A. is filled with billboards about STDs that make it sound like the end of the world is coming and it's chlamydia. Girl! It's so wild. Or that new strand of gonorrhea who don't know what. There's a new one? So there's another, like a new strand of gonorrhea that is like unacceptable. What is the word?

Undetectable? No, like it won't, it can't be treated. Oh, resistant. Resistant to penicillin. Oh, boy. Girl. I mean, how many people you got to fuck to come up with a new strain? Girl, this is the gag.

If Usher was out there giving it away to folks, look, he has millions. I don't have that in the bank. So if you got millions and you getting it. Girl, my little, uh-uh. Girl, that's one drunk night and an Uber. I'm not doing it. No, you can go home. Put all the lights on. this is what I tell people

at all my shows before you do anything and it looks pretty do a thorough examination girl touch on it alright dad I'm gonna work you out but look at all

of the angles look up under that lip lift the balls if it has that turtleneck on it pull it all the way girl I do I had a joke

about that because fat women like so I was on the Steve Harvey show and they had done this like they found this survey where it said like a lot of fat

women have sex in the dark and I was like you can't who cares about your body it's your safety you have to look at you have to look at every inch

of that person or you have like not even or put on a condom put on a condom but also look at, you have to look at every inch of that person. Or you have, like, not even, or put on a condom. Put on a condom, but also look at that shit before you roll on the condom. Very bad. Because you don't know, a little bumpity bump can sneak right out. That's the thing. Sneak right out. Like, the bumpity bump.

And I think that's the other part of, like, I go, Jesus, is my libido low? Is my, like, I think about it. I'm like, no, bitch, I'm a nasty pig. Jesus, I'm a nasty pig. You know what I mean? And it's so, like, it's so true. But I go, wisdom. Like, the older you get, wisdom is, like, your best friend.

Yes. It is your best friend. And you think about everything now. At 20, you be like, oh, fuck it. I don't care. It's a bump. It's a hair bump. You know?

It's a hair bump. Yes. Bro, it's mid-shaft. That's not a hair bump. Yes, that's not a hair bump, baby. That's not where you're shaving it but now oh no I'm like

did you wash your hands before you come over here you know I used to Adam for Adam was an old like oh I remember Adam for Adam

it was all of the older like gay men that was very like weird about scent and smell and I found myself trying to you better take a thorough,

if I smell it, and you can walk up the stairs and booty sweat, ball sweat, what happened? Mm-mm-mm, girl. I once sucked a dick that was like, I can smell it right now. I couldn't smell it.

It was in my mouth, and I was like, this tastes like poison. And then I was like, well, you gotta suck the poison off. I was like, he here, he poison off I was like he here he Australian and he cute girl oh it was bad I remember I had this one piece of trade girl and first of all so the photo I was nervous because he zoomed in like I was like wait is this he zoomed in on his dick

I don't know but it was one of these angles where it was like, is this really big or is it not? Okay, is it an angle or is it actually? Much like short guys on dating profiles. Like, you go, oh, he's 6'4". He's gorgeous. And then you see him accidentally in the pavilions and you're like, oh. You see him accidentally in the pavilions? Girl! In the fruit section because, you know, they want that organic fruit.

And you'd be like, oh, no. But at least it's nice, especially if they got, like, pineapple or something. They're trying to taste good for you. Now, that is another thing I have learned. You know, when you go on dates or if you have a man who wants to be romantic and cook for you. If daddy made asparagus, we're not eating that. No, no, no. You cannot.

Okay, this is a funny story. So in my fitness journey, I was 300 pounds, so I was losing weight. How did you lose weight? I did HCG. What's that? It's their human growth something hormone that's in pregnant women's pee that they extract. What? Yeah, girl.

So wait, is it an injection? It's an injectable, or they have injectables or drops. So you do that, and then- So pregnant women donate their pee, or no? I don't know how they getables or drops. So you do that and then. So pregnant women donate their pee or no? I don't know how they get it, girl. Me either. But it works. Okay.

Right? I did that. I did that twice. And then I did paleo. Oh, okay. In CrossFit. Okay. And truthfully, that's what really, really did it.

But right before I started doing CrossFit and paleo, I was like, oh, asparagus. Yeah, great. It was frozen. Let me eat that before I go to the gym. Lovely. Girl, I ate the bag. And I did not know. And then I went to go work out, girl.

And then I went to go pee. And I was like, oh, my gosh, these urinals need to be clean, girl. I was like. Yeah, you eat asparagus and then you go, am I about to pass? Girl. You're like, the smell. The smell. I thought it was the urinal.

Then I went home and went to the bathroom again. And I was like, what is that smell? So then I was thinking like, well, it was three months ago since I had. So then I thought I was rotting. I thought I had like contracted some STD where I was rotting from the inside, girl. And I was like, no, the Lord is punishing me. Oh, no. Girl.

And then something was like, just Google. Just Google. Yeah, just Google smelly pig and immediately it's like asparagus girl calm down it's asparagus y'all who answer is back in the day gray came on thank god for that yeah girl uh so do you get hit on a lot in drag yes yes um i okay so here you go before you would get the older i'm'm going to use this language. It's derogatory, but it's just what it is. Trainee chases, right?

Okay. And so they just want to kind of get their rocks off. Lovely. Q, how much money you got? We didn't all get horrible sex for free. So look, I might consider how much you got. If you got $3,500, I might let you put the head in. And I'm charging $2,500 for every inch after.

And I want you to be lengthy. Okay? So if you don't have that kind of money, well, then you can leave me alone. But what I'm finding now is a lot of, I think because this generation is not so caught up on, like, binaries in a sense. So they're kind of like, wait, I just saw you talking to this, like piece of trade and now you're like looking at me and kind of like and nobody really has a type anymore it's kind of weird and you'll meet some guys and i'm like once again that's small of the back i'm like sir you are a gay man you know i'm a dude i'm looking like a lady but you treat me like a lady right now like there's just, even I do it. Like, if there's a girl

or whatever, there's a way you honor her and you, you know what I mean? Because I just, my mother, she was a woman. You treat women, you know what I mean? You honor them.

I'm like, sir, I'm feeling the fantasy a little bit too much right now and this is human hair so don't do me. Don't you know I got bundles, girl. I got bundles.

I wish I had bundles. This is wigs from AliExpress. She was like a hundred bucks. Girl. But you know what? I'm working it. Here you go. Look, I go to the His and Her Girl, His and Her Hair Goods, Little LA.

That's expensive. No. Oh, no? You go in the box, the clearance box. Okay, human hair is human hair, right? So if you want like a light color. But do you make your own wigs? I do.

So this is what I'll do. I'll get a human, now because I'm a dude and I have wide shoulders, I'll get like a cheaper human hair wig, right? Doesn't need to be the best of quality

because I'm a dude, I'm a drag queen. I'm going to take it off, I'm going to wear it, throw it in a bag, you know, whatever. So then I get the cheaper hair, sew that into it,

do a deep conditioning treatment on it, style her up, she's good to go. Okay. Nicole, I would love to, I'll just, we'll it, style her up, she's good to go. Okay. Very great, that. Good to, Nicole, I would love to,

I'll just, we'll make some hair for you, sis. I surely will. Oh my God. And I'm gonna give you the whole little baby edges and everything. Yes.

I would love that. Can we do a transformation side note? What? Can we do a transformation side note? Like you can come over, I can come over somewhere and we can just do a, we'll record it,

just do the whole. Yes. I love it. I can come over somewhere and we can just do a, we'll record it. Just do the whole. Yes. I love it. I would fucking love that. You just give me a date. I come back August 12th from tour. And I am free for most of August. I would love that.

Totally. What a treat. I would love it. And we'll like film it. Yeah. And we'll put it up on YouTube. Very good. So if you're listening, look for it.

It's going to be so great. Google it. Now I saw to be so great. Google it. Now, I saw you do a split. Yes. But we are going to require you to wear heels and then see if you can do that same split. And we'll put the dramatic light music with it. Girl, you did that split good. You got down there, wham.

I said, all right, and you popped back up. You have got to see me walk in heels. I cannot walk in heels. I cannot walk in heels. I'm knock-kneed and also fat. So, like, my body is like, oh, well, you're asking my body. You're asking too much of my body. Okay, what about, like, a real platform? I think I could do a platform.

I think, okay, let's do platforms. I think just a video of you looking like a baby giraffe trying to walk in heels would be priceless. I think it would also be very funny. Also, I like the way you paint. So I'm very excited to see myself in that. And you have good eye space, too. Yes, thank you. You do.

You have real good eye space. Makeup artists say that a lot. They're like, you've got good space to play. So I don't really have to like, my brows are high enough. Yeah, they are. Which means I can do a lot of colors and't really have to like, my brows are, they're high enough, which means I can do a lot of, you know, colors and stuff in there. I fancy myself a little baby drag queen sometime. I mean, I don't do drag, so I'm not a drag queen.

What if we set the whole thing up and we just did a night at Mickey's or something? You just have to just at least one song. You don't have to do the full two. Just do like a good two minute bar. Okay. Boom, girl. I would do that. And you'll make money.

I've seen Latrice work a four-minute song and sweat. Yes. And, you know, the happiness is sucked out of her. And I'm like, that would be me. And Homegirl can truly. She moves. She, it was insane. She was like two feet in the air and then the doof right into a split

we all lost our minds she's incredible you're also an incredible lip syncer yeah but I'm not doing that uh uh girl you know it's true

like Shangela she injured herself I think about four or five years ago and she was down for like a month in change

oh yeah oof and like her bone popped out girl and now she's like back like dancing bucking and all of that she performed for Beyonce and all of that she performed for Beyonce

and all of that I go Jesus if I hit the floor and break something who's taking care of my mama I'm not gonna do that no

yeah I'm I'm careful when I do my little splits you know ease down into it and then I'll bounce for a little bit yes

you did do the little bounce to give me the fantasy that I landed like that oh my gosh I love it bounce for a little bit. Yes! You did do the little bounce. To give you the fantasy that I landed like that. Oh my gosh. I love it. So how did you get into doing drag? I was,

I had just come out of seminary school and I was broke and homeless, girl. Literally homeless. Somehow graduated at the top of my hair class and I had got

a studio apartment downtown KC. I used to hang out at Hamburger Mary's and the manager was like, do you know anyone that can be a teenage drag queen? And I had got a studio apartment downtown KC. I used to hang out at Hamburger Mary's. And the manager was like, do you know anyone that can be a teenage drag queen? And I was like, I'll do it. Jokingly.

And they were like, Ashley, you would be really perfect for this. And I was like, no. No. I was very deceived and bought into the BS of only dating white when I came out, which is the pseudo-alleged standard in the gay community. It's the standard of the world. Did you know in a script you have to notate if a character's not white? So you have to be like, Kimmy, 22, black. Otherwise a casting director will immediately go for white because white is the standard in this world.

It's wild. It is so wild. Now I feel like they look at us as the checks. Okay, do we have a woman of color? Do we have a gay? Are you black? Are you this? It's just like, so we're still not seen.

We're just checklist now. Yep. But I bought into the BS of, you know, you had to date a white dude and generally white guys want that fantasy of like that runaway slave who's going to like break your back and fuck you. I mean, just too much. Sorry about it. Okay. No, no.

Yes, because black men in the gay community are so sexualized. And it's like if you're not like a little gym daddy, like who are you? And it's, oh, it bums me out. But then, you know, the history of buck breaking and how that would happen during slavery. So you think about like black gay men have always been viewed as sexual objects and only viewed for that and then literally thrown away once again. It's so funny. It's like, oh, we need to unify.

But like when they shoot us down in the street, we don't see that on your Instagram feed, your Facebook feed. But like let them say something about homos. Oh, now because you identify with that. So it's just very weird how that happens. But anyway, I bought into all of that BS. And my manager at the time, he was like, do you really think like that's the dude you want to be with?

And I was like, yeah, I know I don't. But I'm like, girl, I just want to at least taste the trade like I'm new out, you know, see what's out there. Screw it. I said, you know, let me go get this money. I prayed about it. Girl, I went back. They were like, here's a check. Go get what you need. And boom, that was it, let me go get this money. I prayed about it. Girl, I went back. They were like,

here's a check. Go get what you need. And boom, that was it. And it's been 10 years. I love it. Literally 10 years. Crazy.

Your entrance look for All Stars was so stunning. Thank you, girl. So pretty. Did you do that or was that made for you? I had it made for me.

I came up, my designer, GB Couture, back in Kansas City. Shout out to you. I love you so much. I was i was like girl i have to go back looking like money because i looked so cheap when i went back and i said the entrance room i don't think you look cheap i was okay here you go i didn't i think drag race is about like you need to look like money now which i don't think is fair because I think half the fun of drag is like, what wild thing will this queen have on? And what is the statement this queen has?

Right. And I think when you, whatever. So that part. I just wanted to go back and look expensive and go like. I get that. And especially, here you go, being black, the way that the fandom treats you as a, I mean, girl, you say anything negative. And it's not like, oh, you're a horrible entertainer. No, it's you're the N-word.

I want to kill you. You're a piece of trash. It is so wild to me that the black queens, all of them have less numbers on social media than the white queens. And I'm like, and we don't think there's an issue with the fandom. It's bananas the way y'all are spoken to. there's an issue with the fandom, it's bananas the way y'all are spoken to. It's weird because I sometimes give it grace for the fact of, like, prime example,

I was with another young gentleman back home in Kansas City who I adore, and I was visiting, and I was staying at his house, and I get in his bedroom, and I was like, why do you have this photo of Ms. Cracker up and you don't have one of me? Like, bitch, I'm in your bed. You know what I mean?

Like, we, and I'm surely not giving you I'm in your bed. You know what I mean? Like, we, and I'm sure they're not giving you nothing now because that is, you know what I mean? Like, what is up? And it was the whole thing of like, he is a short white dude. Mm-hmm.

Miss Cracker is a short white dude. Mm-hmm. And even if Miss Cracker was a tall one and he was so short or vice versa, I can identify and see myself if I wanted to be a drag queen in you. So then you have, you know, majority of the world's white and then at least America or whatever. And then we have the Latinos that are honorary whites.

Then you have light skin privilege and then you have the black, you know what I mean? So then it's all of these steps to like, how do I see myself in you? And it's just like, I get it. How do I see myself in you? And it's just like, I get it. But sis, like, I will have to work, which we always do, triple, double, whatever. Like four times as hard to get half as far as they get. I danced on a stage one time with one of my vanilla sisters. I mean, I danced on a stage, jumped on the bar, jumped off the bar.

Bitch, I gave y'all a show. They clapped. They were like, great job. Bitch, I gave y'all a show. They clapped. They were like, great job. She came out there. She did her number, another girl. And they gave her a standing ovation. I go, never again. What am I doing wrong?

And it was just so weird. And I was just like. It sucks. It really, really sucks. And it like, it can really get in your heart. It does. To like, because in stand-up, sometimes you'll be on a show and you'll fucking crush like so back in the day i used to have to do uh shows to audition to like go to a festival

or like a showcase before an audition and you'll do it and you'll be the best there and then a nice white friend will get the audition or get the job and you're like but i i know i know i could hear the laughs that part i could hear it and we could watch the tape again and i know that i was funny and then it's like well that wasn't for you i guess go back to doing two shows a night and yeah like i did people people sometimes are just like wow n, like, things have just fallen in place for you. I'm like, sure they have, and I've been very lucky, and I've been at the right place at the right time. But when I lived in New York, I did two, three shows a night for seven days a week for, like, four or five years. And that's the real deal.

And I still eat shit on the road sometimes. Like, I get humbled everywhere I go. That part. I did Seth Meyers and it was my second late night show and I was so excited to do it.

I had this beautiful vintage purple dress that my friend had altered for me. I felt flawless. I felt, I felt sickening. Like, you couldn't

tell me I wasn't gorgeous. My makeup, the lash, everything. And there was paparazzi there. Not for me, for Vanessa Hudgens who was there before me. And as, I was like, oh my god, I've never been photographed by paparazzi before. And there was paparazzi there, not for me, for Vanessa Hudgens, who was there before me.

And I was like, oh my God, I've never been photographed by paparazzi before. And I get out of the SUV. My friend Mateo Lane is with me. We're walking in and I hear a child go, mama, who's that? And the mother went, she's a person. And I was like, uh-huh, nobody ever knows who I am.

I still have so much more to go. It was just so funny because I was like, I can enjoy things, but I have to remember that, like, do not get complicit with where you are. You have to keep working. You have to. When people are like, what's next for you? I'm like, everything. Everything. Yes.

And, you know, living, first of all, I did not want to move to L.A. I was like, I'm moving to New York. The energy, like, that's where I wanted to be. And me and Monia were going to pitch a TV show to VH1 or whatever. Anyway, long story short, I moved here. Like, it fell in my lap. Okay, boom. And first of all, nothing is ever going to be handed to you, right?

And I know that, right? Nope. But just the level of how hard you have to work. And it's still like you're only as good as your latest project or your last thing that you put out. So and then even then, okay, well, we got this. So what's next? Sis, I just gave it to you. You did it. Yes.

Like, can that be hot? No. And it's just like, okay, so, okay. Uh-huh, yeah, you just have to. Okay, and I'm like, so how do I, that's the thing, like, I'm dropping my EP. Woo, congratulations. Yes, thank you so much. When?

It goes on pre-sale August 1st, and then it drops in September. Yes! Hopefully, I come back from tour in July, I mean, in August, and we can get all the music videos, so I can release everything at once if not we're gonna do those go away I'll just listen but just like even like funding that girl and like you want quality it's expensive put money down to make money back and sometimes it's a sometimes it's a gamble sometimes you're a gamble. Sometimes you're like, I'm going to throw down this money and then hope people want what I have. That part.

Like, I just started selling merch. Yes. And I've been so nervous about selling merch because I was like, well, what if I bring it on the road and then people, the shows don't go well and people hate me

and then I'm stuck with all this merch that I'm just lugging around the United States. But then I started selling it online and it's been going pretty well. So I was like, I don't know. Let's take a chance. Let's make an investment

and see if I can make a little bit more money when I'm on the road. Because being on the road is expensive and exhausting. Come to DragCon. Ooh. I might.

That's in September, right? That's in September. If not at this one, September 6th, 7th, and 8th. Also. Because I do DragCon out here every year. I do DragCon out here every year

I do my podcast there lovely and then we can put you in a little get up and then it'll be extra and then it'll be a meet and greet

that would be fun and you can tag a match although that must be I don't know how you guys do it for three days it is

exhausting it is exhausting it is very it's so weird because you have friends who come into town and they want to

visit and hang out and you're like, my love, I have just given everything I have. Everything. People don't realize that's what a meet and greet is. It is me giving you a piece of myself. It literally is. Listening to you. Listening. Saying things.

And I am very gracious and I am so thankful that people even want to meet me. Thank you. But sometimes people say things where you're like, I can't even, I don't even know how to compute this. Like this man sent my meet and greet the meet me. Thank you. But sometimes people say things where you're like, I can't even, I don't even know how to compute this. Like, this man said my meet and greet the other day. So I tell a joke about

how there's only four kinds of dicks and then I talk about how this woman was like, what about a skinny dick or whatever? And then this man during the meet and greet was like,

if you ever want a skinny dick, you know where to come. And I was like, I don't know how to process this. Oh my God, girl. And I, and his wife was right there and I was like I don't know how to process this oh my god girl and I and his

his wife was right there and she was like T and I was like y'all are crazy old white people are crazy and they sometimes

do not know how to act when they see a black woman oh that part they do not know I've been at weddings where at midnight all the old white men lose their minds

and they're like oh you're exotic can I dance with you? Yeah, girl. Like, I don't want it. That part. And then this other lady propositioned me and her husband with a threesome. And I was like, I don't, I know I talk about like dating and sex a lot, but like this way is wild.

Wild. Like find me in a bar or something. But like at a meet and greet where there's lights on us and there's a man taking our picture and you're like, what if you fuck us both? Your face! Oh my gosh. I would be, and my face tells on me. Dad giveaway.

You have a face literally made for gifts. The face you just made was so funny. Oh my God. Your eyes look like they were going to fall out of your head. Literally. Yeah, people say the wildest shit to me. So crazy. But yeah, maybe I could do a meet and greet at DragCon.

And then you can sell your merch. Yeah, I guess maybe I could do that. But I don't want to take up space because I am not. Then you don't have to do like a big booth. You can do like just, I think, just maybe like two or one or two where you can at least have your backdrop. Okay. You know what I mean? And then have your, I would do a tall chair or whatever you feel comfortable in.

And then just sit there and, hey, come on in. Nicole Byers. Do you just sit? I stand because people so want to hug me. That's the crazy thing. I know I am very loved. I know that I touch a lot of hearts. I don't have the following that shows.

You know what I mean? People want to love me. It's so weird because they come up and they want to give you everything. You saved my life from this. And you'd be like, sis, you have to write me a note. I have a line that's wrapped around for the next three hours. So, I don't think people understand that when you go, you saved me from the time I was going to kill myself. That's a lot to take in.

That's a lot. Like, I'm really thankful that, like, because people have said, you know, like, listening to your podcast really got me through a dark time and stuff. But, like, when you go into detail about, like, you tried to, like, commit suicide tried to like commit like that's it's it's a lot glad that i've been here for you but that oof it because then i start thinking and i'm you know i start thinking about like my mortality and i'm like i get sad sometimes who do i turn to when i'm sick and you're like oh i don't want to i still have to go meet other people yeah so someone wrote me a card about uh some like a time in their life and i was like i got to read that later and i was like oh that really touched me reading it felt a little bit better than like it's also very that um too because the reality is though when you tell me

that story of like oh i you know you were in this dark place, I have, you're actually wanting some response in the smallest way. And depending on what you tell me, I might not have the language to process what you may need in that moment. So reading, I can either talk to the wall. I can say, oh, damn, like what? Oof. Boo-boo. This is, you know what I mean? Like this is what you need to hear.

Or maybe I can come back in two days, or maybe I have nothing to say at all, which is still okay, and you still, I did whatever I did not knowing that I was doing that for you. So you tell me in a letter, write me on, you know, slide in my DM, da-da-da-da, and then boom, I'm going to send you a lovely heart, and we're going to move on.

I agree with that. Okay, Monique, I want you to look at my Tinder and tell me what's up. Tell me if it's good. Tell me if it's bad. Wait, hold on. Let me make sure I updated it. You know, I'm thinking

about, okay, so my Grindr got deleted because I guess they thought someone was catfishing with my photo. So I heard that the celebrities out here use Rafa. Raya. Raya. Rafa!

Oh, it took me two years to get onto Raya. So I won't have you go through my Tinder because I have not updated it in a while. The only thing I added was, I'm a dark bottom filled with cream. And nobody has commented on that. It's really bummed me out

because I thought it was pretty funny. My friend said it about my other friend and I was like, I'm taking that. I'm a dark bottom. I love that. It's so funny because so many women think they're tops. Oh, I'm fully a power bottom. I don't think

a lot of women understand what a power bottom is. That's what it is. Ooh, baby, throw me against a wall. Smash my face into the wallpaper so I leave a print and fucking rail me. Or I'll fucking ride you. No, that's a sub-bottom. Oh, well, sometimes I go to town on a dick.

A power bottom is when you will fuck the dog shit out of them. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Yeah, that's a true power bottom. Like, I don't need you, boo-boo. I will do this to you. When his head is doing this and he's not doing the work, yeah. I'm a submissive bottom if I like you. A power bottom if I don't like you.

And I just need to get mine. Yeah. I'll just get on it and be like. Yeah, when you slap him. Yeah, that's when you're in the power. When you slap him. You know lately I've been getting into that.

Oh yeah? Yeah, I don't know where I saw it, girl, but I was like, I'm going to try it. You saw it in the porn. Girl. No, uh-uh,

because porn scares me. You don't watch porn? I mean, sometimes I check in and check out, but it's always that third click. Still the same kind of porn. Still.

Still fucking. All all right same position nothing new i talked about this on another episode but i was sleeping with this dude i was like i like it rough and he was like okay i was like you could choke me so then he was choking me but also couldn't get hard so he was just smushing his flaccid dick but just choking me and it took me a second and i was like you're just choking me you're uh trying a second and I was like, you're just choking me. You're trying to kill me. Yeah, that part. I think it was,

was it Fifty Shades or something? I don't know, but I saw some film and she like slapped him and he hit her and then this is what I do. I kind of like the low kink too lightly and I'm going to put my big toe in it just a little bit,

not too much. Just a little bit. I, much. Just a little bit. I, now because, here you go. If you, I'll put your hand on my throat. But you can't start there. Especially if you are of the vanilla persuasion. You're not starting a pimp. Okay.

Now, in my times that I have been with the vanilla persuasion, so I'm queenie, right? Like, I'm a butch queen, right? Like, I'm what's up, da-da-da-da. But I'd be like, hey, girl. But in bed, I'm so passionate. Like, even like a quick booty call. Like, I'm still, like, passionate, right?

So I find myself being like this dom-top, and then I'm a slowly—it's a certain way that you—you know what I mean? It's like not on the whatever this part— It's not two hands coming at you at once. But it's one, and I put like my pointer finger on the side of their jaw, just so it's like control, so you feel dominated, but not like I'm a because I'm a black man. You know

I'm not going to jail. No, no, no, thank you. No, thank you. No, ma'am. Very bad. Oh, boy. Well. Do you like handcuffs? Okay, I was too mad. No, no, we can keep going. I've Have I used handcuffs? No, I've never used handcuffs. I would

though, and I'm waiting to be tied up. Oh, you are bold. I want to be tied up so bad. Oh, that is a level of trust that I... First of all, I'm like, you could do anything to me which scares me two what if you leave me there

that is my biggest fear I got things to do you're like oh I'm gonna just try something and leave you tied up come back Thursday no I mean hopefully I'd have a partner who I trusted who wouldn't just leave me there

and then you know you set up like boundaries and safe words. Peaches! Peaches Peaches! Oh Peaches! But yeah tie me up, diddle my clit fucking fuck me. Have you ever done any public exhibitions? I fucked a dude in the park. I've fucked in

bathrooms of locations. I once gave someone a blowjob while I was standing up and they were standing up. I once gave someone a blowjob while I was standing up and they were standing up. I was just bent over with my legs spread and my friend walked in

and went, Nicole! And I was like, I don't want to get on my knees. This bathroom's dirty. I live, I live, I live, I live. Girl, I wish I'd have had that. The church bathroom. Girl, I was a he had that. The church bathroom.

Girl, I was a heathen. The church bathroom. The church Easter plate. Horrible. On the Deacon's bench, girl. Thank God he didn't kill me then. McDonald's bathroom. Okay.

Get you a happy meal and then get you a happy meal. Girl, the McDonald's. I took the trash out one time and there was this man. Were you working at McDonald's? I was working at McDonald's. Yeah. Girl, he could have been homeless, but I don't know. I feel very, like, Kimmy Schmidt in that moment. Just one of those moments, but I don't know.

Okay, everybody at the school auditorium. Yeah, girl. It was just part of the auditorium that was just, like, no one ever, I don't know why they built it, but yeah, girl, girl. There was just part of the auditorium that was just like no one ever. I don't know why they built it, but yeah, girl. There. Girl, horrible. The gym locker room.

Oh. Yes, the gym locker room, the gym weight room. The gym weight room used to be like. So this is why you don't watch porn. You are your own porn. Yeah, I was kind of, yeah, girl. And this was all before I came out. What?

You know, I think I had more sex and more kinkier sex before I came out than now. Probably because it was, like, forbidden. And that was part of the rush. Yeah. Maybe? And then, too, you know, once again, you get old and you think about consequences like, Yeah, the amount of times I didn't use condoms in my early 20s is disgusting to me now. Disgusting.

Because I now always, always, always, always, always. Girl. You got to put a condom on. I carry them with me. If you don't have one, I have one. This is what I had to learn to start doing. Now, I wear the gold pack. I like men that wear the gold pack.

But I've had men that can still work it that don't wear the gold pack. And I need to have those ready for them when they come over. What's the gold pack he's need to have those ready for them when they come over. People are like, what's the gold pack he's talking about? A magnum. I love when a dude pulls out a magnum. Girl,

you're like the dick's gone, girl. Whenever people are like, that dick was too big, it was scary, I'm like, bitch, I see every dick

as a challenge. I will fuck a big, I love a big dick. I love a dick that I can't wrap my mouth around. That I'm just like having trouble. You're like, I guess I just have to lick it like a popsicle. Like a lollipop or something.

I don't know. Only the head's gonna fit in here. This microphone here, I don't know if I could do that. I would like to look at it. This would be pretty. But I would go, sir, I don't know. Like this could not, I have things to do. My booty hole would fall out after this. I could not. I can't know like this could not I have things to do my booty hole

would fall out after this I could not I can't go visit my mother during Christmas I can't do this my booty hole would fall out I can't do that

fair fair fair that's funny that's such a funny image someone trying to hold their prolapse butt in while visiting with their mom.

Girls. Mom, if you only knew. Oh, my God. I love it. Okay, Monique, we've come to the end. Yes. Do you have anything you want to promote? Your single pre-sale is August 1st.

It comes out September. We don't have the date. Oh, just kidding. In September. And then my book, I'm actually having an autobiography come out in May with an EP that will be released with that as well. Congratulations. Thank you. This is wonderful.

And then you're on tour in Europe? I'll be on tour in Europe, all across the UK and Europe, starting the 24th through July 8th. Stockholm, Amsterdam. August 8th. August 8th. What did I say? You said July 8th. Oh, yeah, August 8th. We passedth. What did I say? You said July 8th. Oh, yeah, August 8th.

We passed that. Sorry. Bro, we passed that. Yeah, so, yeah, stay tuned. Follow me on Instagram, IamOnnieCard. Follow me on Facebook,

IamOnnieCard. On my Twitter, IamOnnieCard. I don't do a whole bunch of tweeting because people on Twitter are angry. They're very angry. But very bad.

I don't know what the fuck's up with people on Twitter. But truly, thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for having me. I think you are a fucking delight. You are truly just as delightful in person as you are on the show, as you are on social media.

Like, you're just, honestly, a ray of fucking sunshine, and I love it. Thank you. Okay, if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you need to rate it, subscribe. And if you write me something nasty, I will read it out loud. Okay, this person said, if I wasn't a taken gay, I would totally on you'd like, jump my bones, achieve penetration, and obliterate and compromise the integrity and structure of my intestinal rack. Okay, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Go back.

Wait. He said jump my bone and then get penetrated. Well, I thought jumping my bone. That's what I thought. Jumping your bones, I thought, meant you were fucking. Yeah. But I guess this man wants me to just wiggle my body on him. Oh, yeah.

meant you were fucking. But I guess this man wants me to just wiggle my body on him and then achieve penetration, obliterate and compromise the integrity and structure of my intestinal tract. You could then use my inverted rectum as a jump rope, sausage casing,

or throw it into a stir fry with a light fish sauce and whatnot. The choice is you. Stay gold and pony boy. Love you. That one's wild. It started out like the guy from Amazon who was sexing that woman,

and it was like those horrible, like, I can't wait to be on you. What? Gross. I mean, that one was nuts. Here's another one. This is someone giving me advice. Date someone that you met in. Here's another one. This is someone giving me advice. Date someone that you met in middle school or high school.

Well, bitch, I don't talk to those people. Oh, wait, Monique, I forgot to ask you this question. I asked all my guests. I've only missed, I think, two. Would you date me? Okay, I'm just like the whole, I think about like we would have to have sex. That's my first thing I think about is the first thing. Like, yeah, like, we could totally do, like, everything. But, like, we can't do it when we're having sex.

Like, that's the one. We can do everything else. Yes. We can hold hands. We can furniture shop. Yeah. We can pick out drapes. And then I got to see you on a Thursday.

I see you on a Thursday. Thank you so much for being here. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. This has been a Team Coco production.