Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Prison Dating (w/ Ann Pyne)

Episode Date: January 17, 2020

"He had committed arson when he tried to kill himself in his mother's basement" Ann Pyne (Drag queen booker) is the queen of drag queens. She discusses being a daily drinker since she was 13 years old, dating multiple guys who were in prison, and being a mistress in relationships. Support the show! Rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts with a dirty comment for a chance to have it read on-air. Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdates Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Facebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy Buy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me and Nicole Byer tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though if you steal my dog, I wouldn't get mad about it. No, I guess I would.

No, I think that's where I draw the line, if you steal my dog. Anyway, my guest today is Anne Pine. I met Anne Pine. I don't know what you do, Anne. I usually give people an intro, but I was like, oh, honestly, I don't know what Anne does, but I feel like you book drag queens for drag shows. That is. Or you used to.

That is part of what I do. Okay. What I've done. What do you do currently? I mean, technically I would be considered unemployed. If you get down to the nitty gritty technicalities, it's unemployed. Technically, I'm unemployed,

but I am kind of like the, I'm kind of like a queen to the queens. Like I kind of like, when I moved here from Portland, I just started like working for everybody. I was like, what do you need? I just started like working for everybody I was like what do you need I need like things to do and I need money so I just started working for every all the a lot of the rude girls like those are my that's my repertoire since yeah yeah because I met

you at the pageant the pageant hosted by Alaska drag queen of the year it was the longest thing I'd ever been to and then everyone was like, honey, this is barely how long they can be. You know what? It's going to be so much different this year. We're like the, I say we, but it's not me. It's them and I'm a part of it. You can say

we. You all work together. Anyways, it's going to be way different this year. We went to Chicago to go see Miss Continental, which is like the pageant this year and we were like, everything's going to be way different this year. We went to Chicago to go see Miss Continental, which is like the pageant this year. And we were like, everything's going to be different. Was that as long as it was last year? It's a little different. It's a different pageant.

Oh, okay. Anyways, it's going to be different. All right. And not as long. I'll probably come back. It was fun to watch. I love watching Drag Live. Do you remember how much alcohol was spilled everywhere?

And I was like trying to serve you guys and then some other fag. Ooh, can I say that? I think so. Some other gay man was trying to. That was fun. But there was a lot of stairs. The dressing room was so far upstairs. I was like, why?

Why is this a thing? Yeah. I also didn't like that since I was kind of like assistant, the backstage like assistant. And they were like, and we just keep checking on them. I was like, yeah, can I have like a walkie talkie or something so you guys can tell me like what to say to them and I'll just stay up there the whole time. And they were like, no. And that's where you and I met is in that green room.

And I remember that. I remember I walked in and Jiggly Caliente is the only person besides you I can remember being in that room and I looked and we were kiki-ing and then I looked at you

and you were like, you're fun. I like you. And I was like, thanks. Because you had a bunch of fun tattoos and by hand, you still have them.

It's not like they wash off. I think I have more. Probably. You have a lot of tattoos i can't remember the one that i thought was funny is it the pigs fucking yeah that's usually a lot of people's favorite well it's very funny i think fucking is a it was a flash tattoo it was like a friday the 13th tattoo oh really yeah i asked them which one has people gotten the least of and i they said this one and i said that's funny because that's what I want that's funny I like it pigs fucking why not why not um I asked you to do the podcast because you were

texting me and you were like you should watch love after lockup uh and I was like I already watched too much disgusting television I don't think I can add one more to the repertoire oh you want to hear about my I want to hear so you said you date it let's see if I can add one more to the repertoire. Oh, you want to hear about my... I want to hear. So you said you date it. Let's see if I can find the text. Oh my God. That's so funny. That is not why I thought you asked me to be on this. I thought it was because I was trying to date you.

That too. I've been so busy. Truly, I keep leaving town and then I fell off a motorcycle and then I had to cancel almost everything for like the last two weeks. That's so funny. Yeah, you said I've dated two guys who went to prison and then dated them again when they got out which it's very curious to me and I want to hear about that oh I would love to tell you about that okay okay so there's two different ones um I'll give you the stupider one first um so i um i am first of all i'll say this i'm sober so i'm an aa so i meet a lot of interesting people oh yeah a is filled with

criminals like very fun people mischievous behavior including myself i just tried to eat and i screamed at her earlier and said, you cannot eat because it's an audio medium. People will just get really mad at you. I know. I heard the chewing. Well, I'm fat. Okay.

I'm fat. I'm fat too. And I love eating. I do love eating. Okay. So the first person I met, I honestly, you know,

it's so fucked up right now. I can't remember his name. So how many years ago was it? Five. Okay. That's enough time to forget somebody's name. I just don't have, I have permanent brain damage. That's why I'm an AA.

So anyways, I met this guy through like my sober life. And he was 6'8". Yeah. 6'8". And I was like, damn, like that is fierce. And you may or may not know this. I'm a big basketball fan. No, I didn't know that.

You kind of know that because I invited you. Yes. I knew, well, you got tickets to see a game. I thought maybe it was like a thing that happened randomly. No, no, no. I'm like a big basketball fan. I also like basketball. Have you ever been to a no, no. I'm like a big basketball fan. I also like basketball. Have you ever been to a WNBA game?

That's a whole other conversation. Yes. I've been to two, which is two more than most people. I've been, I used to have season tickets. Do you play basketball? So my mom is the first woman to get a full basketball scholarship to college. Oh, really? Yeah, my mom is like a big

basketball like big in the world of basketball she works for nike she's worked for nike for like 45 years she's like one of the oldest employees there damn yeah so that's like my world oh interesting i didn't know this things you know things you learn you learn things about people everyone has sides angles everyone's a hexagon. You got to keep turning the sides. I mean, if you look at me, you would never imagine that anything I've ever done is real. Maybe the tattoos give it away, but I don't know. So, wait. You were telling me about this gentleman.

6'8". 6'8", yes. My friends and I started a warehouse, like a hangout place, essentially essentially for sober people a long time ago. And this is in Portland. In Portland, yeah. And so it kind of started though as a place where all the boys, all these sober guys would play poker. Because when you're sober, you have to find other vices. So these guys were all obsessed with playing poker and gambling. They used to go to these private gambling clubs. They used to like go to these poker clubs. Gambling is a lot different in Oregon than it is in California, I've also learned.

Why? I don't know the rules, but I know it's, like, a lot looser in Oregon. Oh, okay. Like, there's those, like, machines. Like a slot machine? Not a slot machine. There's, like, the, I don't know. I don't know what they're called.

The little machines that you press buttons? Yes, the buttons. I think that know what they're called. The little machines that you press buttons? Yes. The buttons. I think that's called a slot machine. Sure. Yeah, those are in every single bar. They're in every single restaurant. They're in every single everything.

Like you can go to them all the time. Everywhere. And so, yeah. Anyways. So they were all obsessed with playing poker, whatever. I met him, whatever. We started like hanging out like whatever we started hanging out he was living in a sober house at that point and which is like i don't know like uh

so like you kind of have like some rules and stuff like that yeah it's like a group home where they're like make sure you come home by 9 p.m yeah and they're like we're gonna drug test you and you have to go to like this many a meetings stuff like that like so whatever he was living in one of those i was not um so it was kind of like i don't know everything seemed fine like we were hanging out a lot blah blah i knew that he was on probation or parole one of those things they're both they're different yes um i don't know the exact difference, but... Probation, I believe, is you don't go to jail and you're on these set of rules.

I think when you're on parole, you've gone out of jail, you have a set of rules, and if you break those rules, you can go back to jail. And I also think it means that you're awaiting some sort of trial. Oh, maybe.

I don't... Anyways, the point is, is he was on one of those because he committed arson when he tried to kill himself in his mom's basement. Oh, maybe. I don't, anyways, the point is, is he was on one of those because he committed arson when he tried to kill himself in his mom's basement. Oh my God. Wait, he tried to kill himself by lighting the basement on fire? Mm-hmm.

And it seems not practical. So when you're on drugs, you do a lot of things that aren't practical. Sure. Oh, okay. So he wasn't sober. I think it's like what made him get sober. Oh, okay. It was kind of like that sort of thing.

Yeah. So I knew he was on like what made him get sober. Oh, okay. It was kind of like that sort of thing. Yes. Yeah. So I knew he was on like probation or something for that. Anyways, yeah. He, we like talked every morning and like we were supposed to hang out one morning and I called him and he wasn't answering. And I was kind of like, I don't know, when someone is already in like questionable circumstances, you are already kind of like on edge. So like when something isn't going quite right, you're like, oh, they're probably getting

high or oh, they're probably like whatever. So I assumed the worst and I called one of his roommates who was someone I had been friends with and I was like, hey, do you know where, I can't remember his name honestly. I was like hey do you know where I cannot I can't believe I can't remember his name honestly I was like do you know where David is and he was like oh yeah I probably should have called you he said he was on his way to come and see you I was like what do you mean he's like oh he was supposed to go to his like parole meeting and he missed it and so they arrested him and now he's back in jail oh dang i was like okay yeah somebody could have called you so yeah someone could have called me we weren't like boyfriend and girlfriend but we were like together we were exclusive as like i don't know when you're early 20s like you

have like all these terms like it's so like everyone's obsessed with being like we're exclusive but we're not like in a relationship i feel like it's still now I don't think it's just your early 20s. I think it's for your whole dang life. I'm so over that. Until you get married. Oh, I'm not like that. I also don't believe in marriage. You don't?

Well, I do, but I also have not seen a lot of successful marriage. I think marriage is just a piece of paper. It's just a legal document. I believe in, like, commitment. Yeah. I also, I believe in marriage because you, like, health insurance reasons. So, but you can have all those. And tax breaks and whatnot.

Listen here, ma'am. What? As someone who was raised in a gay home and who is pretty much gay, I can tell you that you get all those breaks once you're in a relationship with somebody for a certain amount of time. Well, yeah. It's called common law marriage. Yes.

You don't need the piece of paper. So you don't need to do it because like, I don't want to get married to someone I've only known two years anyways. Fair. Like, I don't want to do that anyways. I just want a wedding. Oh, no, mama.

I've planned my wedding. I have a wedding, but it's not going to be called a wedding because I mean, maybe it will. I don't know wedding. Oh, no. Mama, I've planned my wedding. I have a wedding, but it's not going to be called a wedding because, I mean, maybe it will. I don't know. Everyone says my mind will change. You can call it a jamboree. I love that word.

Jamboree is a great word. It used to be a store for children. Jamboree. Oh, I remember it. Every time I would pass by, I would go, jamboree. Anyways, I remember the guy's name. What is it?

Derek. I mean, you didn't have to say it, but I'm glad you remember it. No, I don't have to say it but no i don't care we're not i we i i don't care anyways uh he went to jail can't you can't just like call someone when they're in jail no i don't understand which is annoying i'm like hey can i like check in on this person and see if they need anything but like that's not how it works that'd be funny as like a fucking sheriff or whatever is like hey so-and-so called they said do you need anything what can we get you to make your jail stay more comfortable i remember like do you want me like do you know when you're getting

out so i can come pick you up like you don't have my phone number memorized like how are you gonna get a hold of me i guess if you're doing crimes and stuff you should write down everyone's number and put it in your wallet right and in his case he wasn't really like doing crimes he just like didn't go to this show up yeah anyways i am being insane and codependent and like being crazy i'm not like that i mean i don't know i was like that really intensely and And so I called the courthouse. I found out like when was his court date. I was like needed to know everything that was going to go on. And I went to the fucking court. He was, I'm just going to say it now, he's only there for two days.

It's not like he was going to be there for a long time. I drop off a letter. I bring a bunch of money. I put it on his books. I'm like, he needs Cheetos. Like he needs like Kraft mac and cheese or you know what I mean? Like when they give you it like there. It's like insane. I'm just insane. And then he gets out and he doesn't ever say thank you and we break up. Oh, no. And I was like, wow, I'm never going to put myself in a situation like that again.

But then you did. So I went to a private high school because I got kicked out of public school in eighth grade for drinking on the school bus for a week straight. Why were you drinking on the school bus? Were you drinking by yourself or with like other friends? So I was a full blown daily drinker by the time I was 13 years old. Dang. So wait, were you like in school drunk? All day, every single day. And then did like people notice that you were drunk? I think there's a lot of denial involved when you see kids who you think have potential and like who are actually like nice people like the thing is is like if you look at me or you like think about me or like knew me you would be like this isn't necessarily like a troubled kid and this isn't necessarily like

a problem child like maybe this problem this kid is having like a hard time and like but like what nobody knows and like this is you know a lot of kids get away with so much there's a whole other topic but like the thing is like kids get away with a lot because we don't look like we're bad kids so like if i didn't drink every single day if i didn't drink every day i would vomit all morning i went through like full gts good lord i mean yeah that's why I'm sober now yeah I mean yeah and so it's like um one of those things

where anyways yeah so that was like a big part of my life I got kicked out um well they let me graduate they were like

we feel bad for you like we'll let you graduate cause I was like I didn't drink it I put it to my lips and I didn't drink it like I know it's bad.

Blah, blah, blah. You know? Just, like, kind of saying what you thought that they wanted to hear. I didn't want to get in trouble. Anyways, go to private school. I was still, like, kind of, I mean, I was still close with a lot of people I'd, like, gone to middle school with or, like, grown up with. So, I, like, knew what was going on at the public school. You know?

Like, I knew what was going on at Lincoln High School. Drink in Lincoln, as they called it and uh um when we were i think juniors maybe even i think we're juniors um this guy i knew from middle school um i'm not gonna say his name you don't have to he might be in prison again right now i don't really Well, I don't know if they get podcasts in prison. I don't know what access to the real world. They have access to so much. And they all have cell phones. They're all lying.

They all have cell phones. Oh. Like, if you're a prison guard and you're listening, like, they have a cell phone. How do they get cell phones? People bring them in. Guards bring them in. People bring them in. It's like, it's, oh.

I, like, learned so much from AA. Like, I learned so much from aa like i learned so much from people anyways this guy let's call him frank frank frank all right so frank frank is um um i knew him because he partied with the people i partied with who are my neighbors that I partied with in middle school. Okay. He was friends with them. Was your childhood like euphoria? That's a lot of similarities, yeah. Okay, so, like, I always, like, when euphoria came out, everyone was like, this is so fucked up.

Like, I was like, that is my life. Like, I was a different kind of baby prostitute, and I was also, like, pounding for drugs and, like, stealing shit and, like, getting for drugs. Mm-hmm. What was your favorite drug? That's probably not a great question. I mean, I don't care. I don't.

I don't care. I'm not—I've been sober almost 10 years. Like, I'm not triggered by anything. I watch people do drugs. I work in nightclubs. I watch people do drugs. All my friends are gay. Like, I watch guys do, like, rail cocaine and ketamine off each other's bodies for, like, on a Tuesday.

Like, this is not, like, a weird life. What was the question? What's your favorite drug? Oh, yeah, drugs. I would probably say Molly. I would probably say Molly. But I think part of the reason Molly is my favorite drug is because I was so depressed and so like mentally ill and untreated for it that it was the only thing that made me feel normal, which is so sad. Like that's really sad, but it also is really fun. Yeah, I mean, Molly is fun and I get it. If you are a very sad person to feel happiness must feel like oh this is what normal is yeah that's why it's so funny people are always like you know i got away with being a drug addict for a really long time and it's funny because people

are always like you didn't seem like i was like that's because drugs were making me normal like it was all like it's very strange. It's really interesting. It's not strange. I feel like our society should be researching as to why people take drugs as opposed to, like, we'll treat them after they've started taking drugs. Well, the problem is, is because mental illness is, like, a really under-taken-care-of issue in America. And I am, like, a like a direct like example of that of like people who don't feel comfortable talking about it and people not feeling comfortable recognizing it in children and like young adults and wanting to cure it with drugs like they want to cure it

with drugs like yes like i was given adderall because i got in a fight with my French teacher when I was like 15. She called me an American bitch. She was Moroccan. She was Moroccan, but she looked, she was white, but she was Moroccan and she called me an American bitch. And I was like, oh, this is it. Like I was like the kind of kid waiting for a reason to not have to go to school. You know, I like went, I walked out of class. I went straight to the principal's office and i was like she called me a fucking bitch and she goes and i was like i refuse to work with her i refuse to like take her class i refuse to work with this teacher i was like i'm i was that bitch and she was like well you could always test out of it or if you have a like if you have a learning disability you don't have to take it i I was like, let's take the test.

And so I took the test. The guy gave me Adderall. I told a friend, I was like, I got Adderall to help with my mental problems. And they were like, have you ever snorted it? I was like, no, I've never even taken it. And the first thing I did was snort it and it was all downhill from there. Oh, boy.

Well, we have to take a break. oh boy well we have to take a break and we're back wait you still haven't told me the story about the second man you dated in jail here we go long story sort of short okay he went to prison when we were 17 because he was a third party and someone killing themselves from doing cocaine oh dang and like he overdosed on cocaine yeah that's a lot of coke he was a i know that's like so much coke i there had to be something else involved yeah i don't i don't know like i didn't read the autopsy but there i think there was like – anyways. But anyone who was involved in the deliverance of the drugs to this kid was – went to prison. Damn.

So this guy was – who was like at this point like kind of a loose friend went to prison prison because he was um a third party his third party part he gave the phone number dang all he did was give the phone number and he went to prison that fucking sucks and he got tried as an adult because we were 17 oh my god so he went to prison anyways we reconnected on tinder so he was swiping in prison no this was like four or five years this is probably five or six years later oh okay yeah like he his charges have been cleared he's not like you know he doesn't even have like a record anymore he's all been expunged um i'm on tinder where i'm like oh i know like i was sober at this point I guess when I was 21 I was like at this point I'm kind of the like I love dating people who I know are bad for me and I love dating people

who I know are gonna ruin my life or like try to ruin my life and so he was a really good person for that I was like oh this guy who was like in prison and is, like, clearly not sober. Like, I want to date him. We swipe, and we're both like, oh, my God, like, blast from the past. Let's get together. So we start dating, and it, like, becomes pretty serious. And I end up breaking up with him because I found out he was doing heroin and lying to me about it. Yeah.

up with him because I found out he was doing heroin and lying to me about it. Yeah. So I broke up with him and he, within like three weeks of that happening, went back to prison. Mm-hmm. And he, for like, I think from like theft from a Walmart. Ooh, classy. Yeah, something really weird. And it's hard to go to prison from Walmart.

Like I know a lot of friends who've gotten arrested for stealing from Walmart. And this was one of those, like, situations where, anyways, he went to prison. I think he had drugs on him, too, or something. He got out of prison. He was, like, calls me, and he's like, hey, I want to, like, try to get sober again. And I was like, oh, my God, let me save you, kind of, you know. So I drove him to his, like, treatment every day. I went to meetings with him.

We were fucking. We were dating. We were all these other crazy things. And he, I couldn't keep him sober, you know. Which is. I don't think anyone can keep someone sober. But when you're someone who, like me, is, like, one, a control freak, two, like, has an issue thinking they can save everybody's lives,

like, I'm what they call, like, a caretaker. Like, I want to save everybody. And I couldn't save him, you know what I mean? And I figured that out, you know? And so I ended it with him, and he went back to prison again and um then uh we kind of tried hanging out a little bit more I knew it was over when he made me go on a hike yeah I can't fathom ever dating a person who's like let's go on a hike I'd be like for what everything's good right here i like being inside

yeah and i realized he was keeping me a secret from a lot of people he had like his parents bought him a house first of all i was like dude just got out of prison you're gonna buy him a fucking house well he needs some sort of treat he went to prison and got out we gotta buy him something nice my junkie son is perfect let me buy him a house um so i was like sleeping at his house and like i knew i mean i knew we weren't exclusive but i don't think these other girls he was sleeping with knew that they weren't exclusive so i was like whatever it was fine long story short that ended he posted some really like transphobic stuff on on instagram and i like screamed at him about it and then i blocked him i haven't talked to him

since i mean that's the way to end things uh do you have like a good time on tinder is tinder good to you um no i don't like tinder i don't like gotten very very Dismal and desolate And sad And very upsetting I would say I don't like any of it anymore Yeah it is bad It used to be great

Oh my god I used to get So much like trade I used to do so good I've had like two at least least two boyfriends from it. Really? I dated this guy for like a year off of it. He was amazing and I kind of ruined it. Well, he'd only had sex with two people when we started dating.

And so he was like, he's going to be so mad that I'm talking about this. Hi, Dylan. But he was straight edge and it was kind of cool because I was sober, but he wasn't like an alcoholic. He just like didn't do it. Anyways, I met him.

The first time we met was like we had probably been chatting for a few days and I was like, this is so sketchy now, but like I drove and like met up with him at like a,

I don't know how to speak English, some place. A location? I picked him up. Yeah. I picked him up like downtown. And he got in my car and I like, we like hung out until like six in the morning in my car and like made out.

And like I probably S'd his D and like. S'd his D. And we dated for like a really long time what's the worst date you've had off of tinder um so there was this guy i'm just gonna say it now a warning sign for all anybody out there that a straight man who has an eyebrow piercing is not straight. Yeah, I would say they're probably not straight or they're a time traveler. They're from the year 2000. No, no, no. Straight men don't have eyebrow piercings ever. Ever.

Not even in the 90s. They were gay. They came out three years later. This guy, he decided to go on a date with him. He worked at the Plaid Pantry, which is like a 7-Eleven, but in Portland. And he was on, I met him on Tinder. He seemed very nice. I said, okay, let's meet at this coffee place.

So I go and I go to this coffee place. So I go. And I go to this coffee place. And I get there. And he's like, oh, do you want to get something? And I was like, sure. I immediately knew something was wrong. Because when I walked into the coffee shop, he recognized me. And he goes, hey, girl.

I knew it was bad. And I was like, sure. And he didn't offer to buy it for me. I bought it was bad. And I was like, sure. And he didn't offer to buy it for me. I bought it. And he goes, sorry, I can't afford to buy you a coffee. I was like, it's Portland coffee. It's like $1.50. Yeah.

Also, why did he offer? I was like, do you want something? I'm not going to buy it. But do you want something? That's insane. That's the wildest thing you can't offer something and then I mean I do offer things to people and then be like oh I don't have it like oh your head hurts do you want Advil I don't have any but we should get you some

I'm bad that's okay I don't know I mean so he can't buy you he can't afford to buy you coffee right so I'm like already I am like and I had done the thing that you do when you like go on a like blind date where you're like if i text you call me and act like something's wrong i i did that immediately i like texted my friend like help or something she calls me and i the thing is is like those sort of like i'm not good at like a subtle lie like it needs to be the biggest lie and so I'm like on the phone with her I was like he bit somebody they're bleeding like oh my god is everything they want me to show up right now my dog's in we're talking about my dog my dog's in my car actually waiting for me to be done with my date. And not wherever I thought anyways.

So how was that? I don't ever text people when I go on dates to be like, just in case this is bad. I just come up with my own fun little lie. Usually it's like. Have you ever done that to me? No. No, I fell off a motorcycle and you saw me limping. No, I'm asking about before then.

I meant before then. No. I'm just curious. I don't think you did. I'm just curious. No, no. Because I'll tell you this. My friends were all like,

fuck her. Like, she's trash. And I won't tell you who said that. Yay! Tell me. No, I won't. Who was it? I'm't tell you who said that but tell me no I won't who was it I'm not telling you was it

he's one of them one of them more than once that I was trash three who who are the other two really

and um oh they all like we love her but trash for you no I'm bad at planning I'm bad at uh following through They all like, we love her, but trash for you.

No, I'm bad at planning. I'm bad at following through with things. This year especially has just been like hellish. The thing is, I'm not mad. I'm only mad for selfish reasons. I can't actually be mad, though, because I'm like, she's living her best life and like succeeding and killing it and like I if I was in that position I would probably do the same thing trying you know what I mean but that's the thing I was like how can I rationally be mad at someone for that I mean it's

a bummer because I wanted to like hang out but it's like I can't rationally be mad at you it was just funny though with the the game because I was like so in it to win it I was like oh I can't rationally be mad at you. It was just funny, though, with the game, because I was like so in it to win it. I was like, oh, I can't wait to fucking go. I know, I felt bad about that. And then I was like. And we were sitting right behind Normani. Now I can't. I know.

And I. We had six seats. Would love. She's so pretty. Oh, diva. I can't even explain. I love seeing pretty people in person. Me too.

Because you're just like, how? How are you so gorgeous? How is this your life? Because mine's all an illusion. Like, I don't know how to use Facetune or anything. I don't do that. But, like, I'm either posting a picture on the internet that I know is ugly of me or that someone else already edited before I received it. Huh.

I don't care. I don't edit any of my pictures. I don't know how to. I don't know how to either. And then I've tried to do face tune, but then I look insane. Fingers too fat. Is that what it is? Yes.

Because like I can't do any of the little things on it. The only thing I can do is like make a zit smooth. Oh, no, no, I can't do any of the little things on it. The only thing I can do is like make a zit smooth. Oh, no, no, I can't even do that. I literally can't do anything. I mean, I don't know why we're all using Facetune anyway. It's just like. We all know what you look like underneath, Diva. If you look insane in a picture and then in person, I'm like, oh, ew.

Like, you don't want that reaction. You don't want someone to go ew to your real life look oh I can't LA that is so LA though I can't even tell you like I have never experienced it like that before I moved here like I would be like oh I've seen you on Instagram and then

I'm like holy shit like you look busted you look fucked up in person like you're not hot do you find dating easier or harder here Like you look busted. You look fucked up in person. Like you're not hot. Do you find dating easier or harder here? So like was it easier to date in Portland or was it easier to date here in L.A.? I don't think that I have a good idea of that because I'm from Portland. So like I know a lot of people like

Portland's kind of like a small big city where it's like you know everybody. And if you don't know them personally, your best friend does. So I kind of went through a lot of I've dated a lot. I mean, obviously I've dated a lot of people in Portland and then I don't know, it's hard. Like, I think I always found somebody eventually, but I also, what I wanted changed. Like, I grew, as I got older, like, my ideals changed. So what are you looking for now? I either want something casual. Like, I either want, like, nothing.

Mm-hmm. Or I want, like, probably something serious. Like, it's either I want like just like friends who maybe can fool around or like or just like I've never met you and this is the only time I'm gonna meet you or I would

watch something serious I like I don't have time to like date somebody and like have a relationship with somebody who's like not on the same page as me and i feel like i spent a really long time changing what i wanted in order to just be with somebody else does that make sense yes yeah i feel like a lot of people do that a lot of people change aspects of who they are to be like oh

yeah i love skiing he loves to ski or they love to be like, oh, yeah, I love skiing. He loves to ski or they love to ski. So I'm a skier now. And it's like, well, I've been skiing one time in your life. Why would you add that to your like repertoire of things you like? And it's like, oh, it's because I like this person. I want to be doing the same things they do. So, I mean, that is totally true.

I'm less of that because I'm headstrong. I will not change the fuck I am. Like if you don't, this is what you get. Like what you see is what you get. I more mean like what I used to do is that like I would date people who didn't love me the way I loved them. Or they wanted to be open and I didn't. Or they wanted something really casual and I didn't. Or they wanted something really serious and I didn't. And I would do whatever casual. And I didn't. Or they wanted something really serious. And I didn't.

And I would do whatever they wanted in order to just be with them. Because I suffer from not wanting to be alone. Which everyone does. I like to chase people. And when I'm chased, I don't like it. Oh, I know that. I know you don't. You don't got to tell me.

I just, I guess if someone's chasing me I go something's wrong with them as to why they want me if that makes sense but you know what's funny I always say that my ideal relationship is a long distance one oh really yes because I need so much me time I need so much time by myself I need so much time by myself. I need so much time with like my friends. I need so much time to like not feel pressure. Like sometimes I feel like being in a relationship is so much pressure. I don't know.

I've never been in a real one where like both people were like committed and were like, we're in a relationship. I've just been in things where how old are you 35 or 34 or 33 i know you know what year were you born i was born in 1986 thank you so you were you're what year what month august i just had a birthday so you're uh just you're 30 uh see it's hard who's to say wait no you're 62 no you're three years older than me so you're uh just you're 30 uh see it's hard who's to say wait no you're 62 no you're three years older than me so you're 33 you're 33 you're aging yourself i'm 35 i am 47 years old

why are you aging yourself because who cares i mean you know it doesn't matter it doesn't age really doesn't matter long story short i used to i used to i used to do that i used to change and guess what i always you always get fucking hurt you always do we why do we do that anyways this is not i mean i guess people do things that they know are that are gonna hurt them because they're addicted to it yeah like i know i talk about it a lot in therapy where i'm like oh oh good you're in therapy oh i'm in so girl i'm the queen of therapy i love therapy i think the government should give people a stipend to go to therapy my therapist is honestly i think my best friend i she's not my best friend i don't think she knows that i'm really excited to see her

she gets excited to see me i think my therapist gets excited she goes i've been excited to see her. She gets excited to see me. I think my therapist gets excited to see you too. She goes, I've been waiting to see you. But do they always say that to everybody? I don't know. My therapist is so cool. I love my therapist. And I'm always like, how are you? And she always goes, thank you for asking. She'll tell me.

And I'm always like, does she thank me because nobody else asks her? I don't know. I don't know what other people's therapy is like. I always, I'm like, how's your kid? I don't know if Mary has kids. Oh, see, I know a lot about my therapist. And I think it's just because we really enjoy each other's company. She really, really helps me.

And we really enjoy each other's company. I don't. So anytime I've asked Mary very personal questions, she'll be like, why do you want to know? And I'm like, um, um, uh. And being like, I'm nosy doesn't seem like a good enough answer. So I always go, I don't know uh, and being like, I'm nosy doesn't seem like a good enough answer. So I always go, I don't know. I guess I don't need to know.

I am nosy and proud. Everyone's always like, why do you care? I'm like, I don't really care. I just want to know. I just want to know. People are always like, who are you texting? I'm always like, who are you texting? I do that a lot too.

And people are like, why do you care? I'm like, oh, I don't truly. I will forget in 30 seconds. But for like right now, I want to know. Me, I'm so that person. Oh, my God. Earlier when I was telling you about my cousin, I was telling you that because my cousin is a big fan of yours. Hello, cousin. Thank you for listening.

Jenny. We love you, Jenny. Does Jenny live in Portland? Boston. Oh, Boston. So my whole family's from Boston, except for my mom. My mom moved to Portland to work for Nike. Ah.

Because that's where the headquarters are. Also, Adidas has their headquarters there, too. They sure do. They got a big shoe outside. And if you sit on it, they yell at you to get off, no matter what time it is. I would never even try, because I think if I was there, they would know and they would shoot me. They'd be like, a Nike spy. Yeah.

Boopity pop. They don't need me to come and spy on them. They get in trouble all on their own, Diva. Wait, really? Yeah, like two, a year, maybe two years ago, they had this huge scandal

where one of the like big VPs was giving money to college students and they like, the kids like, the kids had to drop out of school. The guy went to prison. Dang.

Oh yeah, they have their own scandal. Like Nike, people think Nike has scandal. People love, oh God, this think Nike has scandal. People love. There's a whole other topic. Anyways. How the American public perceives and loves Nike.

Well, I think I owe a lot of, I owe this, that YSL bag to Nike. Why? Because my mom paid for it. You know. It's a nice bag. YSLs are very expensive. Is it Laurent if you're not in. It's a nice bag. Thanks. My sales are very expensive. Et c'est Laurent if you're not in the loop. Oh, yeah.

French. Mm-hmm. I'll say. Wait. So how long have you been in L.A.? Wait. Did you answer my question? You said it was easier to date in Portland.

No. I don't think. I think it's been easier. The reason it's easier for me to date in L.A. is because I have a fresh start. Ah, okay. Yes. And also because I know what I want. Mm-hmm I want I have a better idea of what I want what what was the catalyst to move my breakup ah I went through a bad bad breakup how long were you with

that person 11 months okay that's a good chunk of time for me the longest relationship I've ever been in oh really oh yeah oh yeah I've ever been in. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I've never been in real relationships. I mean, I have, but not. I've been in like a series of relationships where I was the, you're going to love this, where I was the mistress. Ah, yes, yes, yes. I've been in many long-term relationships where I was a mistress.

And I've been in a lot of long-term relationships with people who don't love me and I do. So this was the longest relationship I'd been in in 10 years. Okay. Because right before I got sober, I was in a relationship for like 10 months, 11 months. Were you living together or no? No. Okay. Have you ever lived with a significant other?

Yes And how'd that go? Great We had our own bedrooms Oh Oh it was so great I suggest it to everybody It was great

If we didn't feel like sleeping in the same bed I love sleeping in my own bed I love cuddling with my dog I like I like masturbating by myself You know what I mean? i want to be able to do all those things sleeping in my own bed it makes that possible i've never thought of what that would be like to masturbate in a bed with somebody sleeping in it so you wake them up to be like i'm

gonna masturbate now no they just not do it i think it's like whatever you want. I think everyone feels differently. I just like I like me time. I just like I don't know. I think a lot of that came when I also when I got sober, learning how to love myself and learning how to be by myself. Like, I don't know, like loving yourself is like the greatest gift. Yeah. In the entire world. Yeah.

I think loving yourself is people say it and it sounds like hokey, but it's like truly if you love yourself. You know what it feels like too. Yeah. And you, it just, it's like, it feels good. Also, you, people don't speak poorly to you because you love yourself enough to be like, hey, I don't like the way you speak to me when you do X, Y. It's just easier to like stand up for yourself.

It's easier to just, like, live. I'm in a situation like that right now where I, like, stood up for myself in a complicated situation. And I was like, this is not good for me. Like, I'm not in a position to be in this situation. And, like, I need to, like, end the terms that we're on. And I just would like to, like, go back to what we were, which was, like, I need to like end the terms that we're on. And I just would like to like go back to what we were, which was like friends. And I think that people who don't know how to advocate for themselves don't know how to take it when people do. Like they lose their minds.

Yeah, because they're like, oh, you're being a bitch. It's like, oh, I'm not being a bitch. I'm just truly speaking from a place where like, I understand what I need and want right now and if you can't deliver that then like let's move on I wish everyone could learn to love themselves I think everyone can I think they could but I wish everyone you know I mean I didn't learn to love myself until I got off the drugs you know like it took

me a long time to figure that out and it didn't happen right away but I forced it I was like I'm gonna love myself I'm gonna figure this I it. I was like, I'm going to love myself. I'm going to figure this. I'm going to figure it out. How did you learn to love yourself? It was just too exhausting to live otherwise.

Like, I still drink, but I drank more in my youth. And I think it was a combination of being, sad with dead parents uh you have dead parents my mom died when i was 16 and my dad died when i was 21 uh so like dealing with that my dad left when my mom was pregnant really fuck it's no it's cool like yours is way worse no i think that's so rude at least he knew you yeah was it good um we didn't get along until like truly like the last year he was living. We just didn't see eye to eye a lot. And then also I think we were very similar people. Like in hindsight, I was like, oh, we didn't get along because we are too similar. And I like woke up one day.

I was like, why do you cover your arms when it's hot? People know you're fat. Just like wear a tank top. And then I was like, oh, why do I speak so poorly to myself? I don't know. I'm going to start saying like I'm hot and I'm like sexy and like fucking jiggle my roles. And if I don't want to have roles, I can rectify it. I can change things I don't like about myself.

It's so funny. You know, I'm also, if you don't know who I am because I'm a nobody, I'm also fat. You're a nobody. Everybody is somebody. because I'm a nobody, I'm also fat. You're a nobody. Everybody is somebody. Well, listen. Anyways, I'm fat. And I say this because I love myself. It's like I love my body, right?

I love every part of me no matter what it means. Am I in shape? Am I healthy? Am I doing what I should be doing? No. But that's not – that isn't the reason to hate yourself. Yeah. Like your body,

I don't think is a reason to hate yourself. I think. No. And also like this whole movement, this whole like fat women. Like body positivity. Yeah. This whole body positivity thing.

It's like, mama, this isn't about our bodies. This is about women learning to love themselves. I think so. And not being victims of what people think or not holding up to this idea of what we're supposed to think of ourselves.

I agree. And God bless Lizzo for making people really publicly like fat people. And I love that. And I feel bad that she is the one who has to like hear the the bad shit you know what i mean but at least she's rich and famous now yeah i mean she gets you know people talk shit but like also more people love her than talk shit about her oh totally it's so easy to find the pick on the bad people. Like I was, bitch. I was called fat forever.

I had the bullies. I had it all. You know what I mean? Just because I love myself now and I'm like a strong bitch or whatever doesn't mean that it never happened to us. Yeah. And I think people don't care. Yeah, I don't care either. It's like you thought about me and I'll never think about you again.

Yeah. I truly hate it when people are like, how are you confident i'm like how are you not how do you not look in the mirror and go oh this is me and i fucking love it like if you're not your own best friend like best fan i don't know what you're doing like why are you why what do you want what do you want what's you're gonna love somebody else more than yourself that's's crazy. You are you. You, at the end of the day, I am the only person I am stuck with. Mm-hmm. And my two dogs who anybody can have. And you're stuck with yourself that anyone can have?

I'd be so sad if I woke up and Clyde was gone. I would be so sad if Poopy and Diva were gone. I have two dogs. Poopy and Diva. But I wouldn't be mad if Poopy was mysteriously gone. Mm-hmm. He bites people. Clyde sometimes bites people.

What do you do about it? What do we do? Do I need to hire a trainer? A whisperer? Well, I had him with a trainer. The trainer said that Clyde was one of the rudest dogs she had ever met. And I was like, does that mean he's not, you can't fix him? She was like, it's going to take me a while.

And I was like, I don't have a while. Honestly, that's how I think what's going to happen with poopy like i think poopy is just like he's gonna bite whoever he wants to bite and like don't get your face too close to his face because it's gonna happen oh he'll bite your face if you get your face in it and you're pissing him off yeah clyde will just he bites like the back of your ankle oh no no no no that is not poopy poopy is like full i'll show you a picture later. But poopy is full on like don't. But my friend who is the sweetest angel in the whole world, but, you know, he does like a good time.

Poopy, as he's gotten older, it's gotten worse. Like poopy is like almost 10 years old. Like this is not like a young guy, you know. This is not like a young guy, you know. And he, my friend the other week was like, oh, can you get a boomerang of me kissing poopy? And my friend, my roommate was home. I wasn't even home. My roommate was like, I don't think that's a good idea.

Like, you probably shouldn't do that. And he was like, I'm going to do it anyways. My friend was like, okay. And he bit him. So my friend has a boomerang of my dog biting him. Yeah, it's funny when you tell people about a dog and they're like, I'm still going to do what I want to do. And you're like, well, no, you're going to get bit. Or like, I'm special or I'm different.

Yeah, you're no special person. You're not different. No one is special or different. We're all the same. So wait, you were talking about Tinder. What else do you want? I don't really do anything actively anymore. I've done it all though.

I've done whatever, Hinge, Bumble. Now that I pretty much primarily date women, I mean, when I say pretty much primarily, I only date women. Actually, I'm open to like dating people who are like trans or non-binary, like trans men and stuff. I'm just not interested in people, I'm not interested in dating people who aren't queer on some sort of spectrum. I just do not relate to people who are purely straight. Fair.

When it comes to like that kind of thing. I can't identify with them at all because then they want to sexualize it or they want to like or they think it's weird. Mm hmm. Anyways, there's this newish kind of app. God, I hope they like give me a shout out because of this. It's called Lex. Uh huh. And it's based off of a instagram account that has been around for a

long time um it was called personals and it was a personals ad for lesbians oh so it was like you would submit a like an ad for yourself and they would post it on their instagram oh then people would respond to it and they would like reach out to you on Instagram from it. I mean, it was great. I loved it. Like, it was so cool, so much fun. And, oh my God,

do you want to hear mine? Sure. I let someone else write. I let Katya write it. Katya is one of my best friends. So this was a kind of, you know know I just didn't think I would be the best person to write it for myself I thought I needed someone else to write it the only thing about like posting a personal ad on an Instagram page is like anyone could follow an Instagram page

and then like what if you connect with someone who lives in Norway so this is different because so the app now so the Instagram page is gone. They converted fully to this app, which is the same concept where you post a personal ad, but you can do it with like, so you can pick how far away someone is whose ads you read. Right? So I'm really only reading ads from people who live in LA. And so people are only, most people, I don't know whether, I think people are only reading my ads if they live in LA. So this is my post that I

didn't write but I fully approved and posted. Fat Dyke loves her pussy. That's the title. Paris in the streets, Nicole in the sheets. Chatty Kathy looking for a strong silent top to pile drive my puss puss into the middle of next week.

Sober as shit and fun as hell. Come get these cookies and mash them up into a Christmas crumble. That's it. I like it. I think that's very funny. I do too. Have you gotten any responses? A few.

Okay. Have you gotten any responses? A few. Okay. One was from this person who, she's like, I'm not a top and I'm not verse. I'm only a bottom. But I think you're really funny. We should be friends.

And this is my response. I have a lot of friends and a therapist. Fair? I mean, yeah, if you're not looking to make friends, then, yeah, why waste your time? Dating apps are not for making friends. No. They're for dating.

If you are on a dating app and what you're trying to do is to fucking make friends, then you're doing it wrong. Go to a bar. Go to an AA meeting. You could go to Bumble BFF. That's a new thing. What's that? it's you can meet people

just for friendship but you have to meet them on the Bumble BFF side not the Bumble date side do you do that? no I was like I barely have time

to hang out with friends bless you who else responded to that ad? I think a couple other people who I just was like not I read their like

their posts that they had made and I was like this is not the vibe. The only thing about dating apps and stuff is like you can be very funny and very witty and it'll probably take so long to find somebody else who's funny and witty in the way that you are. Like the reason I made that post

was because I know that whoever I'm gonna date at some point in my life, if they don't think that that is funny, then like this isn't going to, it's never going to work. Like if someone doesn't think that me saying like puss puss and like cookie crumble, like turn my Christmas cookie into a crumble. Like also there's three references to the Hilton family. Paris in the street, Nicole in the sheets, Chatty Cathy. Like, also, there's three references to the Hilton family. Paris in the street, Nicole in the sheets, Chatty Cathy. Oh,

the mom. I didn't catch that one. Yeah, I used to be really obsessed with Paris Hilton. I mean, Paris Hilton's very fun.

Well, Anne, we've come to the end. Do you have anything you want to promote? Um, I'm single. Because Nicole won't date me.

I'm busy. I'm like, I truly, I'm only in town Monday through Wednesdays. You know what's funny is I offered to go to Australia with you if that meant I could date you. I have a lot of people who are like, I'll come to Australia with you. It was almost overwhelming. Not to toot my own horn. You know, it's... Never mind.

We're done. What? It's funny that you are so highly desired and you make a lot of money and spend all your time talking about why you think nobody wants to date you. And the problem is

that's not anybody else. It's you. Okay. why you think nobody wants to date you and the problem is that's not anybody else it's you okay yeah i mean probably that wasn't meant to be mean it wasn't mean uh i think you're probably right i already said i don't like being chased but like that's apparent i. I don't know. I think you ask, you're asking people to chase you when you

have a podcast about why you think people don't want to date you. Mm-hmm. I've never listened to your podcast. That's fine. But I mean,

no, I didn't ever want to. As soon as I like met you and I found out that you like had this podcast, I was like, see, I don't want to listen to it

because I'm scared. Why would you be scared? I don't know. I don't, I don't know. I don't want to know the secret. I don't want to listen to it because i'm scared why would you be scared i don't know i don't i don't know i don't want to know the secret i don't want to like it's like what if you had said something about me before i was on here you probably i mean i don't know if you have what if you had said like this dyke is trying to chase me well first of all i wouldn't say it like that i don't care seems rude oh I don't care but also um I don't know why I just felt like I um would I don't want to get to know you through your work I would rather get to be friends with somebody like as someone who's obviously not trying to

date you anymore someone who's just trying to be your friend I would prefer to just get to know you because like from getting to know you I don't want to like figure out everything about like, how awkward would it be if I like we're hanging out? And I was like, so I heard on your podcast that you're like sister is like, you know, whatever. Like you didn't,

I would want you to tell me that. I like that. I appreciate that. I think it's nice. It is weird when people know a thing that I'm like, oh, I don't think I ever told you that. You're like, oh, yeah, I probably said it on a podcast or something. Yeah, that makes me feel really weird because that's not genuine. I agree. Like a lot of my like a lot of my friends are rude girls, you know, and

they have been on TV, but I we're're done i don't know why we're still talking i truly was just looking at the time that's it that's it well i asked all my guests this but i actually i don't know the answer i usually ask people would you date me and i think i know the answer is you would have and now you won't because I'm not available emotionally that's not true because I still would date you because I already told you that my fate that my ideal relationship is long distance and it certainly would be it's I honestly because the thing is is I'm not necessarily in a relationship looking for someone who's going to be with me all the time. I just like

knowing that there's like I have a companion. I could just have a person that I can talk to about things that I don't want to talk to other people about. Whether they're available to talk about it

all the time or not. Fair. All right. Well my leg is healed so let's hang out. I have the nastiest fucking bruise on my breath i mean can you see that oh my god i didn't realize it was like open wound yeah oh i thought were you

not i think people thought i was like no i'm slightly hurt i thought it was just an internal injury i didn't realize there was any external like um evidence yeah yeah i have like road rash on my shit and shit too did you know that um i'm the reason that um meatball says diva no i didn't know that but it makes me laugh so hard diva one of the first time i fell off his motorcycle the last thing i heard was diva you're doing so good and then i crashed and i heard diva no is it normal to fall off motorcycles all the time uh no is it because we're fat no um those are the questions i ask myself Is it normal to fall off motorcycles all the time? Uh, no. Is it because we're fat? No. Those are the questions I ask myself when it comes to riding a motorcycle. No, I make

poor choices. So like instead of just coming to a complete stop these times I've fallen, I've been like, oh I can I can correct this. Where it's like, no, you're new to riding. You've been on a motorcycle the first time. This is now the third time when I fell the second time. When you took your test was only the third time you'd been on a motorcycle?

That doesn't seem right. Well, if I had never gotten on Meatball's motorcycle, it would have been the second time I'd been on a motorcycle and you still take your test. But there's not like a trial period? So what you do is you... It's not like your driver's test? No, you can't get like a learner's permit for six months and then learn on your dad's motorcycle. It's an endorsement that goes on your license so i took a three hour class and then drove and then the next day rode a motorcycle for four hours did three more hours of a class took my uh written test and the next day there was four more hours of road stuff and then you take your road test have you ever seen anyone die like in front of me

not fully dead but like dying fierce well we've reached the end that's the perfect way to end it have you seen someone die kind of fierce okay so if you like this episode of oh why won't you date me you can subscribe you can rate it you can uh listen to it and then if you send me something nasty i will read it out loud oh um this person wrote to me i would put all your vaginal fluids in a jar and use it as face cream. That's not nasty. Oh, you meant like, ooh, sexy nasty.

Not like rude. Not rude. And some of them are sexy. No, actually, none of them are sexy. I would never categorize any of these things people send me as very sexy. Let's see if I can find another one. What if it was squirt? Squirt?

Yeah, what if it was like not just like, was that what they're talking? The face cream? Maybe. I think maybe they're thinking of squirt or maybe just like vaginal secretions. Like discharge? Rinse out my undies. Okay. Here's one.

Hi, Nicole. I want to, I want to, I want you to tie me up in 69. So you, you on top, uh, so I can look at that beautiful ass and pussy i want to make you come over and over by looking at juicy puss so your pussy juices flow all over my face and then i want you to commit accidental manslaughter by drowning me in that pussy when i'm dead i want you to curl up next to me this is wild and cuddle my lifeless but happy and pussy juice covered body. That one was like pretty dark. I just think there was a lot of contradictory things.

I like that you are critiquing these nasty, come on. I just think if you're going to be nasty, like be nasty. Well, one person wanted to turn me upside down and fill me with clam chowder. Do you like clam chowder? No. You don't? I don't like soup. See, that's mean. Yeah, I thought it was pretty rude. I don't like soup. Okay, I don't want to talk about that. Okay, bye-bye!

Bye. This has been a Team Coco production.