Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Problem Solving on the Toilet (w/ Yola)

Episode Date: July 30, 2021

What a treat. Grammy nominated English musician Yola is here! Nicole and Yola chat about the difference in racism when dating in the UK vs the US, how crying on her motorcycle back from her mother's funeral inspired her songwriting, and how sitting on the toilet can be the best way to solve creative challenges. Check out Yola new album, Stand for Myself, out today. Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastaken Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer New Merch Store! podswag.com/dateme Nicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could take me to a restaurant, leave me with the check, and then just appear at my doorstep a week later and say, hey, sorry about that. I would say, oh, come on in. My guest today has been at the top of my list of people to have on the podcast.

She is a multi-Grammy nominated singer and songwriter from England, Bristol, England. Her new album, Stand for Myself, is out today. Also, her other album, Walk Through Fire, I have listened to maybe a thousand times. It's one of my favorite albums. I like braid my hair when I do it. So I know it takes me three album listenings to get through my whole head. And her album's available now

wherever you stream music. It's Yola! Yay! Hey! Thanks for having me. Thank you so much for doing this. Yola, I told you before we started, your voice is truly fucking, it's like meeting Jesus.

It's incredible. You hit these like low notes, these high notes, your tiny desk performance. I felt like the, just the, whatever was recording, you couldn't capture the full sound of your voice. Because I was like, oh, it's like just in, like your voice just like I was like oh it's like just in like your voice just like I don't know it like vibrates through your body like I fucking love you oh my gosh how do I absorb that as a Brit you know we're dreadful with compliments they really are we're not great with it but honestly thank you it's. And honestly, that was quite a crazy debut year. So I feel as though that I really happened in this country during that walk through fire whole process of promoting. So oh my goodness, like,

I still find it crazy that anyone knows who I am here because I've only just moved here. I find it crazy that it took me so long to find you. I was like, where have you been my whole fucking life? It was also wild because it was a lot of white people. And your opener, I think her name is Amethyst. Yes. Yes. She's great, too.

And she has some like real songs about like blackness and like picking cotton and people were swaying along to it. And I was like, oh, you white people, you you listening to the lyrics it was just so funny to me i know it's like a real this is what i found about coming to this country which i didn't realize was going to be a thing that segregation is a bitch and it leaves a real like like, blast radius. Do you know what I mean? And so then you've got this thing where, like, okay, so your manager's a white lady and they go, oh, cool, you've turned up with one white person. We now assume you only want to meet white people.

And you're like, I never said that. But, like, the assumption just happens. They're like, here's a roll call of all your most glorious white people i'm like cool but also what about every other ethnicity on planet earth could we get to this like you know i don't want monochromatic anything okay and so yeah it was weird and like i feel like we're really starting to kind of combat that whole issue now. But it was an issue. It was a real freaking issue.

I was like, oh, so that's what happens. Just the last radius of segregation means that people sometimes, it's not just like it is in London where you just go, oh, you need more people of colour in your band or in your co-writing situation or in your supporting situation, although most, by and large, I only have black women supporting because I was like, that's easy. I can just pick my friends.

That I fucking love. I love that. But yeah, it was like a lot finding, you know, diverse people. And I take it for granted that I can literally just go around the corner in the UK and go, oh, we've got a drummer there. We've got like a, you know, or someone who writes like this and you get to experiment. And so this next record is me really exacting all of those dreams and bringing it to reality. I love that. So like, how did you get into, you sing country, like, how did you get

into, I didn't know I liked country till I saw you. But how did you get into country, which I think is, you know, predominantly, or at least in the US, it's predominantly white people. So how did you get into it? One, I wasn't in the US. Two, I wasn't in country. So because a real kind of, it feels like a real trick. It's like, so people, someone called you the queen of country soul. And I'm like, okay, I'll run with that ball if that's what you want to do. And then I'll go, I released Far away look and which is the first single and they're like they kind of like listen confused like I don't think this is country

or soul and I'm like no it's classic pop music and so then you get the whole confusion of like, she's cross genre. And, and, but she's coming through your spaces. And so this is mine. This is mine. And so I like to kind of embody like a rich white boy entitlement in like a

working class black lady's body. Right. You know, as best right you know as best I can as best I can so coming through spaces going this is mine this is mine thank you and um yeah so when I was like country became part of one of the the palettes that I draw from people just fixated on it like I said someone did say country soul you know so can we talk about soul music no one wanted to talk about soul music and finally look that single I've just put out it's the only single I've put out so far it's classic pop anyone want to talk about the kind of Roberta Flackie and the you know Dusty Springfieldy and all this kind of no no like briefly they'd never print it and so like because of so weirdly enough I got almost more heavily placed in country and as a result I got all the country supports all these kinds of things

because people were just so amazed that I had heard of it that uh they were like wow let's talk about that and I'm like uh you sell records around the world that's how you become world famous which is your aim right so how are you going to be world famous if no one's heard of you like it's counterproductive to this narrative of that that even the interview I'm doing right now is even relevant to anybody like it's like if you don't believe anyone's going to have heard of it like why do you have such a low self-esteem that's what I want to know like and so it was like I heard about it because you sell records. And how did you hear about the Beatles?

Tell me, how do you know about the Beatles? You're like, but I love the Beatles. Yeah, but how do you know about them? You know, I'm in England. I've been to Liverpool. You don't have to go to Liverpool to know about the Beatles. So, yeah. Yeah, I read in, it was like a review of a show or something and they're like oh she ends with this elton john song which is so wild and i was like how is it wild elton john is

wildly popular and it's like why not do an elton john cover like why not it's, he's really popular. He's also British. And so I used to do like, I don't know what to do. Like, to make it clear that number one, all music, all contemporary music that we now enjoy and benefit from in life came from Black people in one way or another including country and so like the whole oh so what's your connection to uh this is very much like uh the diaspora and the fact that you know before you had african-americans you had africans in america and i'm a second generation african you know like i don't want to say I'm also the like descended from the guard I don't know if you know anything about them but for a good three millennia they've been responsible for the artistic renaissance that gave birth to so much of this popular music and so through I don't know what to say like it's kind of it's kind of profoundly deeply connected, so much so that I came out of the womb singing, ready to be artistic, you know?

Have you sang all your life? Literally my whole life. And I told my mother when I was four years old that I was going to sing and write songs. And I wasn't wrong. when I was four years old that I was gonna sing and write songs and I wasn't wrong I told her also that I probably like you know join a band or do some other things but I probably get really bored of it because people would really try and control my direction and I wasn't wrong about that either and I can't believe four-year-old so on point, but she was. So I'm just trying to live my four year old's best life, which is eating cake and taking names. I mean, that's me right now.

I keep buying butterfly clips and like things from the 90s that my mother wouldn't buy for me. I'm like, now I'm gonna do it all. I'll do it all. I'm doing it all. You can't stop me now. I'm supposedly grown up. Yeah, truly. That's how I feel. It's like I'm a grown up and I'm going to eat cereal for dinner and ice cream for breakfast. When did you start playing the guitar? 2014. Wait, what the fuck? this is like a new edition. Yeah. So I was like creatively in these spaces that were terrified that I was going to realize my power. They were like, oh, God. What if she realizes that chords are actually easy and she could do this whole thing on her own?

We can't have that. that's a terrifying prospect and so like the cords are easy like they're like what if what if that she goes oh so like the idea was to kind of like go do anything to keep me in that kind of codependent state as your top lining job is super codependent, you know? And so I was told, I shouldn't bother learning guitar. I don't really have the inclination to practice and to get good at it. Hmm. That's interesting. Cause that is a way to like, keep you in a corner. It's like, well, you have to have a band. You have to have all these people a corner it's like well you have to have a band you have to have all these people it's like well no if i just learn how to fucking do it myself then i don't

need anybody i can just you know go on tour myself play the guitar by myself or i can just choose my band it was more the intellectual property you know it was the idea of actually the creative side like not the playing side it's like the like you can play with as many people as you want but like when it comes to the writing process it was that idea of oh I don't know if I want you to actually have control over the entirety of the kind of sonic direction that feels like power that I'm not comfortable with you having and so it became like a real like bone in the side. I was kind of, you know, mind effed out of my own autonomy or agency for a while. And then as time went on, I just saw so many morons playing guitar.

And I was like, that idiot can play guitar. Surely I can play it, right? Like, that's so funny. but isn't that the rule like you look at someone you're like i don't think you can even tie your shoelaces and you're playing that guitar that's how i felt when i first started doing comedy i saw like a bunch of like white dudes on stage and i was like i think i could do that better right i think i could do that i guess i just try it i don't know exactly and lo and behold you can smash the back doors in absolutely fire and so yeah you were right and indeed so was i in that regard um did you write all the songs on walk through fire they were all co-written on the day

um so i'm gonna fuck yeah so i'm gonna break it down bar one and so one song was written just by me on my own before i met dan can you guess which one let's see rock me gently no no no i know what you mean it's the most extra one on the record is it ain't easier oh okay there it is so that one i wrote um in 2017 um and then i met dan i said oh maybe he'll might like this as a song um and then but the rest of them uh I was in a room I would come into the studio and Dan would be like someone's gonna come in and co-write with us today I'd be like okay I didn't know that's how this was gonna happen but it was always that's how it was and then someone would walk in the room. I'd be like, okay, hi, guy.

And then we'd start writing a song. And, like, by the end of, like, the session, which would be about three hours, a song would exist. And that would be, like, just recorded onto, like, your phone or something. Songs would get, like, kind of of the lyrics will get like printed out and like just filed as it were and it's like there's that thing we've all um we always have like a voice note that's central but everyone's taking their own voice notes and typing out or whatever they're doing and so that was it like every song was written outside of it ain't easier in the room with said third party that I had no idea who they would be.

Because obviously I'm not from this continent. And at the time I didn't even live in America. I was doing the longest commute ever. It's truly a long ass fucking commute. You gotta drive to the airport and then sit on a plane for a little bit yeah a good old eight hours and then kablamo you're in nashville and so that's what it was that's how it worked and because it worked like that it felt more like a like a collaboration more than it did a solo album you know um because of that whole dynamic of like two um guys two white guys

in the room with me um from America and so they're not a woman they're not black and they're not from England so there's like a lot of stuff that we might not be able to broach and I've also never lived in America so I can't even like yeah and so it was like we'd find things that were felt kind of that would meet for all of us and uh and that's how that got that album got built and then I'd be able to tell a story about myself and they'd be able to then extrapolate on that trend a bit and so that's kind of that's where it came from and so it felt so much more like a collaboration and so with this uh next record I was isolated and that, I'd also been in America a lot, which is why you'd seen me. And also I'd made a buttload of friends and I'd got over some of these barriers of segregation

that somehow made it feel as though I was never going to see another black person ever again up outside of the handful of friends that I came to America with. You know, it's just really harrowing and sad. That's how I felt when I first moved to LA. I was like, where are the black people? Right? And you know that they exist. But it's like, sometimes it's like, it feels like people are playing keep away with ethnic minorities.

And it's really harrowing and sad it just makes you feel just slightly sad every day on the inside and so and people then sometimes they think it's you that you did this to yourself on purpose i'm like i didn't do this no one asked for this nobody wants this so stand for myself you said you wrote in isolation so you wrote that alone or was that still a collaborative environment it was collaborative in a very different way so um writing all the songs in the same room it being finished on the day stand for myself is almost like the opposite of that so like on the record there's a song called break the bow and that came out of my mind on the evening of my mother's funeral on 2013

and like it doesn't sound like it it sounds like a real party song but that's what you know that i like to just to kind of play with you what i did with diamond studded shoes you're like yeah yeah wait a minute the lyrics are saying wait a minute like i love to kind of play like that and so yeah it's a part of party funeral song but um the bass line was coming to me when i was riding my motorcycle back from the funeral. So there I am on my motorcycle crying, which may I add is dangerous, Nicole. Yeah, very dangerous. Wait, you ride a motorcycle? Yeah. So I've never driven a car. I've only driven motorcycles. And so that's how I got to my mother's funeral. I was like, okay, I just didn't really think about it. I was just like on

it. And then I got there and I was just like okay popped up did the funeral riding back I'm like and like I'm like this is so dangerous and like then the tears are getting blown back like this I'm like it's it's really not advisable you know and and all of a sudden this bass line starts coming into my head i'm like this is a bit of a party bass line for just you've just seen your mom go into the ground this is not a time for a party you would say but there you go like comes into my head and uh you know I get home and lyrics start coming I'm like well I suppose I better just react to this just so I get my phone out I'm in the notes function just like the words are coming down and we played that song out for like maybe

like a couple years before I took it into the studio to get reworked on um and like I think I just wanted some lyrics fixing that I've been singing and I'm like that never felt quite right and so yeah or I want a bridge or I want a middle eight or something like that and so it was like things that I had I knew had fire but I was like I want someone to help me just finish it. Like it's, it doesn't need a massive re-imagining. It just needs just a little bit of help. Yeah.

Just a fine tune, you know? And so like songs, time statues was one of those stand for myself was one of those, whatever you want on the record, break the bow on the record. Oh goodness, goodness gracious.

And then I had ones. So that's a good five and then like you've got um this um other kind of contingent of songs that I was just in lockdown just sitting and like trying to just like feel my way to something that feels true and i'm sat out there until five o'clock in the morning just trying to get my prefrontal cortex out of the way so i can get some real writing done because i don't believe in the prefrontal cortex right to start a lot of the time i don't even know what that is it's's like, you know, the conscious brain, like all the stuff that you do, all your memory and all the stuff that you absorb in your peripheral vision goes into a different part of your brain. And all of the connections are really super elegant. every time I came up with a good idea, it was when I was doing something menial, like vacuuming, or washing up, or, you know, being in the bathroom, you know, whatever it was, it was something where I was really in my motor functions. And I realized that that's right next to where

in the brain where we store all of this peripheral information that help us understand the way we build the world and that was um essentially how I got to the whole um idea of I need to turn the part of my brain off that is super analytical and like um too process driven I need to be in the part of my brain that is just bumping around all of that information. And the linkages became far more'm like what is the meat of this joke I have this idea I'll like go to the bathroom and sit there for a little bit and just have my phone next to me and I'm like oh my god this is what it is and then I'll write it down and then I'll call a friend I'll be like does this work and they're like actually I think it's really funny I'm like oh okay yeah every time oh my goodness well i'm i i would actually heard about it because

physicists were doing the same thing to solve physics problems and i was like which can be quite kind of creative i can't remember who it was um um it was even like a like a a part on what was it um big bang theory or something when sheldon went and worked as a dishwasher because he heard that physicists did it to try and figure out what he was doing and so it's made its way into pop culture you know but it does work even apparently gary barlow from the uk take that band take that has a setup in his bathroom because he always gets his ideas on the bloody loo would you believe i'm like i mean yeah let me get a little i mean my setup would just be literally my phone being like oh let me just type this out the words uh i honestly back to your motorcycle

i truly love that you came up with a song as you're like crying, trying to like, you know, pull the clutch, gear shift, balance on two wheels, leaving a fucking funeral. And you're like, well, this is actually like a really fun beat. Like, I just fucking love that. Wait, so like you, what kind of motorcycle do you have? It's a drag star. So it's like a relaxed riding position, a cruiser. So your hands are kind of like boob height you know uh-huh yeah yeah i have a kawasaki ninja 450 which is kind of like a

crotch rocket where you're really like forward on it oh yeah very very forward uh i've ridden it maybe four or five times and then uh like i dislocated my ankle so I couldn't ride it anymore. So now I have to figure I got to get a battery tender. Okay. Never had to do that. Well, because you ride it every day. Okay. Okay.

I used to. I will now because it's in the UK and it's probably just a hunk of rust now. Real quick, we have to take a break. I want to talk to you about dating. Yes. I'm single. Are you? You're single?

No, I didn't. I didn't know. I you're like a successful lady who powerful singer, she's doing big things. She in a Baz Luhrmann movie. Come on now! I know. It's exciting. So like, are you dating at all? tempting to like the coronavirus isn't exactly the very beating heart of it's time to smash but i tried to be resourceful as to be as resourceful as i could be and find some you know d in the locality if you will and was successful in that regard and so i know and so that was great and uh that worked for like um a kind of a podding situation. You know, everyone had their pods and stuff. And so we put it up. But you know, once you're kind of like out of the coronavirus situation, it's like so i'm now on the hunt let's put it that way i'm okay

i'm looking to get back out in these streets now i'm vaxxed and waxed and ready to you know kick ass you know are you are you on any of the apps at all or do you like to find people in the world so here's the deal with apps and me um i was in the apps when i was in uk and like like it was it was all right it was like there were just lots of really dull people and i don't know how how you've so i need your help actually so this is going to be a bit of actually okay so like what are you finding about like being in America and the apps because I've only just moved here so I don't know because you learn that there's like a way that people are so in the UK uh I don't know if you probably do

because Jamila would have told you that like it's pretty like there's a lot of kind of like racism that people don't like to talk about in the uk because people don't like to talk about anything in the uk pertaining to feelings or emotions or massive amounts of supremacy and cognitive bias and so all of these things are like massively internalized absolutely everywhere programming your every thought and successfully because you can't possibly in like invade a 90 plus percentile of the planet and have the 89th percentile still think you're reasonable if you're not good you're gonna be real good so so that colors your dating experience and you get the whole the black lady tropes of yeah yeah you know them but for the listeners let's just go through them let's walk them

through what we already know exists uh-huh you know sassy uh yeah oh you must be angry yeah over sexualized because i've got quite big boobs. No one can see them, but you can see them. They're kind of, they're there and they're enthusiastic. And so, you know, they're still fighting the good fight. Do you know what I mean? And so sometimes it's like, oh, yeah. Like just the assumption that like you are just some smash machine with no emotional profundity

of any kind and yeah those are the kinds of things that kind of plague you so then um or you just get people who are just straight up dating racists and like and so it was really kind of a bizarre situation that I managed to navigate my way through to some level of success in the UK but only some level I wasn't finding anything that was really truly like like when I was looking at profiles anything that spoke to me in a way that was like oh my gosh this person's amazing. That's what I really find. Yeah, I think it's just, it's hard. Yeah.

It's really hard because you look at these people's profiles and you're like, okay, I guess you could be interesting. But from what I'm reading, you don't seem at all like a person I want to spend even 20 minutes with. But here, I feel like I haven't been like over sexualized or anything I'm usually the one that's like so shall we go to your home and they're like what uh oh god I'm like dying for someone to be like do you want to just fuck and I'm like yes that's all I want right now because you're boring i think over here it's a little i don't get as much action on the apps as say like a nice small white friend does where they're like

oh i have a date every night of the week it's like that's not gonna happen for me i'll get a date like every couple months which is depressing uh but i mean it's just i think it's just a nightmare for women who are i guess others in this society but it's it's so funny to call a black woman an other because there's so fucking many of us yeah it's bizarre but like um it's weird because i felt as though that i had to learn about how to navigate around identifying bias and maybe areas or demographics of people that were purposefully targeted to be more biased because that's what society does it programs you so I was like how am I going to identify the programming and how am I going to get around that you know and so like I felt with the apps that like it was like

training in how to kind of build a team of people that have less bias and uh and so yeah like I actually went through the whole you know I've got three dates this weekend and like and i hope i don't have to smash all of them because this is gonna be really complicated and you know i i'm gonna i'm gonna say it like there was a weekend when i was like i think i'm gonna have to smash all three three these guys and it's gonna be really tough i don't know if emotionally i can get through this and by by the third smash i'm like i don't know if i can do this i'm kind of all i'm all tapped out i'm sorry yeah you know so it doesn't even work when you do have yes like too much of a too much of a mediocre thing because let's be real the tippy top of your kind of jizz range is reserved for people that you're in love with right so if you're like i really don't

feel that much for you like i there's i'm gonna be at like 80 80 85 tops if you're absolutely doing a great job uh then 80 85 well done you should be really impressed with yourself like if my if my leg goes sleepy round of applause well done you did it did it yeah but if I'm like if I lose my actual sight and senses then we're at 100 and I love you by the way and so I mean oh I want it oh I want that so bad I got to a point and I think it was like the end of 2019, where I was dating this guy who was truly mediocre in every sense of the word. But I was like, I don't want to get to know anybody else right now. Because it's work to go on a date and ask questions,

and then you're like, oh, you fuck weird. With him, I was like, I know what I'm getting. And I can navigate this, so I come. Yes. You do you. I was like, I know what I'm getting. Yeah. And I can figure, I can navigate this. So I come. Yes. You do you, I'll do me. It's nice to have warmth on top of me.

Do you know what? It's that's just a, especially when you're busy and you're going and getting all the things you're going and getting in life and in career. Like you can find yourself in these situations where you're like, Oh no, I'm going gonna be this person that has now arranged another fuck buddy situation well there's they're fine they're lovely and

they're fine like you know but that's you know it's i've kind of like i have like a not love hate relationship and a toleration lack of toleration relationship with the kind of the fuck buddy paradigm you know because I think it's eking out something that is never going anywhere and just biting you onto the next mediocre situation

and so like I tried to kind of distance myself from that because I felt like I was building one of those again and I was like and I was actually no longer willing to kind of play the bullshit game. And so when they're like, I want to be adored, but I also don't want to commit. I'm like, you're not that special for me to give a fuck about your narrative. I'm sorry, babe. Yes, yes, yes.

But you're delightful. You're fine. You're fine. You're fine. You're delightful, but I can't do it. I'm not going to play the game. I'm not going to play the game. You're fine. You're fine. You're fine. You're delightful, but I can't do it. I'm not going to play the game. I'm not going to play the game. You're brilliant.

Like, just live your best life. All I want is for you to live your best life. Like, but I'm not going to not live my best life, you know? And so it becomes this weird kind of dance where, like, people that aren't emotionally kind of capable. And this is what it is when you're on the apps you meet people who are emotionally not haven't done any work to realize what it is that makes them happy or what it is that they really connect to with people and i really connect to people seeing my requirement for softness. I really, when people go, oh, like you're really sarky and hilarious,

but you're also massively sentimental. I'm like, ah, good catch. Okay. You're paying attention. You know? Yeah, okay, let's talk. You know, there's like chemistry plays a lot and you can only really do that in person and so like i'm trying to kind of you know be out in these streets a little bit before i kind of

give into another round of the apps you know i do all right in these streets i don't know i'm quite proud of my hustle actually if i don't have to navigate people's bias then i do all right if i deal with people people that literally have never talked to a Black person and they just want to fetishize, then, like, yeah, then it's not great. I just never know in person if someone is actually flirting with me. I just, sometimes, even before the pandemic, I'd be like, oh, that man talked to me for a very long time. Wait, did they like me?

What's going on? I'm very confused. And then the moment has passed and I'm like, well, I did bad. I did not do a good job. I just assumed that everyone thinks I'm hot. And then, which I've had to force myself to do because that wasn't the way it was. to do because I wasn't that wasn't the way it was like I grew up in a town where I was one of like five black people and and so like the whole kind of isolation people yelling the n-bomb down the road and you know all of that kind of being asexualized because I'm an other all this stuff

I grew up with all of that and so I had to like navigate my way through the kind of people not wanting to be my friend and people not really like understanding me in that way um um understanding my my lens if you will and and so that was like a really big part of growing up. And I think a lot of people that were isolated and ethnic minorities in England have had that whole, oh, wow, they were really racist. Like if you're a Xeniel, you know, if they're part of the Xeniel kind of generation, then you lived that, you know. And so that really kind of affects how much you think people are actually seeing you or finding you attractive in any way because you were so asexualized and then you go from asexualized and you grow some boobs and you become hypersexualized and it's like yeah it's a real mind fuck exactly and then it's like you're

either like this like sexless freaking drone or you're a hoe and you're nowhere then what about the middle ground what about just a regular lady and like i think that was that's that's been a really hard thing to navigate so i just decided to assume that like people are like if they're talking to me and they're like giving me good energy that it might be possible that they think i'm an attractive person and that might not mean that they actually want to smash it might just mean that they they go oh she's attractive and i like because people react to attractive people they find attractive differently they kind of look at them with more open eyes and all this kind of stuff um um and there's a softer expression so i'll be like oh they think i'm pretty or what it is but and then

i have to kind of then deduce and go on the sleuthing hunt of does that mean you want to smash or do you actually just have a girlfriend right over there who's gonna saunter across and be like what are you doing talking to her and so yeah it's like but coming from england when everyone is so reserved like i feel like it's easier to just say oh like you know i'm gonna be back in town and whatever how it is and like you know let's let's go and get drinks yeah i think i'm gonna be more brazen and ballsy and just like say things and if someone's like oh no sorry i'm dating someone i'll be like oh okay then what a nice time we just had talking i'm not interested in continuing this conversation i know yeah i don't have fucking time trying to find somebody there's this man who rides his bicycle every day at 7 p.m when i walk my dogs and he breaks his neck looking at me and i keep

trying to figure out i'm like do i just say hello i guess i think that's what i'm gonna do hello i'm just gonna tomorrow i. I'm going to go hello. And hopefully he'll fall off his bike and I'll help him. You know, but if he looks at you, you can go, oh, hey, I see you every day. So I'd say hello. Like, that's fine. I know. But it's still hard, even when you're like trying to not be like some perv.

Like, it's still hard to kind of get to that point of like i still find it hard to just get to that point okay so is this a thing or are you actually now just intimidated by the prospect you know like does giant boobs and a giant ass actually turn out to be too much for you like you like it's all nice when it's in the video but then when it actually comes with a belly then you're like oh that's the real thing i don't want that that's too much that's too much body that's the real that's the that's the that's the umami that's the spice uh have you ever been in like a like a long-term relationship yeah I have and I did it at exactly the time of your life where you don't know your own value yet and so you just like you you keep up appearances

because no one wants to look like they're in an absolute hot mess of a relationship they want to look like freaking a Hollywood movie because you're like i'm finally taken yes yes and so you're doing all of this but actually it's a freaking hot mess and you're a total doormat and like it's miserable and and so yeah like yeah i have been and then i think like what i did um was i took a real big hiatus because I realized that part of my process was that I was in this thing to solve myriad problems of just self-esteem from that just being so grossly ignored in the UK that's one thing I really noticed coming to the US is that in the UK black men didn't really look at you in the UK, which is really

weird. And I'm into all men. Okay. I'm not like anyone only. Whatever corner of the planet you're from, you're fair game as far as I'm concerned. If you're a guy and you're from any of the continents, it's all fine. But like uh it was really weird it felt like a targeted thing like not and the uk has a weird relationship with black women um as proven by megan markle's exit and she's real light skin yeah i mean that whole thing was so fucked up i was like she's pretty light she high yellow like i think it's okay right she's like i'm gonna get like they're like no they're like no not even you and you're like boom that's cold-blooded it's cold-blooded it fucked up so cold and i'm like

and she's already married it's like it's too late i don't know what you're trying to do already married yeah what do you try to do to her also when they were like what color will the baby be i was like light the lightest really light basically white oh my god i don't mean to we're dark-skinned women here and so like we're like i I don't mean to, we're dark-skinned women here. And so, like, we're like, I really don't see the problem. Yeah, watching it, I was like, this is fucked up and, like, truly bizarre. And then you had Sharon Osbourne defending Piers Morgan, who has said, like, awful things, and she didn't understand why people were mad about that.

And then her daughter said something about Mexicans and Donald Trump. Have you ever seen that clip? I have not. It's wild. Oh, God. So they're talking on The View, and they're talking about Trump making deportation more. He's going to deport more people from Mexico, whatever.

And then Kelly Osbourne, just like, she sits up in her chair, like she's going to really say something. And she was like, if Donald Trump deports all of the Mexicans, who will clean your toilets? And then there's dead silence. The audience was like, oh, no. And then Rosie Perez is there. She's like, no, that's not it. That's not it.

And then I was like, throw the whole family away. Throw them away. Start over. Do you know what? It's like, it's a real good kind of, she was trying to say something and she failed. And that's really what happened right there. It was like, I see what you were trying to do. But you know when some people say to you that people trying is enough, that's proof that it's not.

It is absolutely proof that it's like, you might try, but you also want to just maybe educate yourself a little bit before you try. Yeah. Yeah. Like just trying and being really uninformed isn't good enough. Like everyone, everyone has to learn to empathize in some way. Hey, I watch so many movies about white guys and cry my eyeballs out all the time i can empathize with everyone no matter where you're from i watch you know you name it and like you know i i was into everything i've been into

everything cinema from all over the world like i don't find it challenging to empathize with people in a narrative or in real life and so yeah that's a the fact that your only interaction and the only thing you can think of is that is is is troubling and problematic it's devastating it is really awful and the fact that your filter thinks it's okay to say is even worse. Yes. But you haven't even got the intelligence to navigate that moment. Because we all have bias. Okay.

So it's not what we're saying. You're not supposed to have bias because every human on planet Earth has bias. So you can't get away with it. And so that brings us somewhat smoothly back around to my dating life. And that whole how, how how am i gonna navigate those mother frickers who are like kelly who are gonna who are like one comment of saying something so off that everyone goes wow these are the people you hang out with and so you know like this is the hard thing about dating you want someone who's like actually you know got their faculties in order

and yeah so you want to like bring around to a friend yeah you know and I really do someone that can actually bring around to a friend and who's really inspired by your life and you're really inspired by their lives and I'm just finding that really hard to find um in I found that really hard to find in the UK and so I'm here but I've only I moved I was here like on tour which is where you saw me at the troubadour and then I so good oh seriously that was so much fun it was just emotional and I loved touring with Amethyst Gear she was just such a badass and made just the whole touring experience a real joy because she's like my sister and so I'm like cool okay we're gonna go we're gonna hit a couple events and then go on tour with Chris Stapleton and then kablammo the

curtain comes down and like that's it and so the idea was I was gonna work on moving here during 2020 only I couldn't go back home because I clearly had an album to do was I was going to work on moving here during 2020. Only I couldn't go back home because I clearly had an album to do. So I was like, looks like I live here now. I guess I'll just fucking stay. That's it. Okay, let's take another little break. so touring do gentlemen throw themselves at you in the comedy world they're called chuckle fuckers uh because they just want to fuck a person who makes them laugh but are there like song fuckers

i don't know i couldn't think of anything on the top of the head but like do men throw themselves at you after shows do you know what what? I've had a few. And, you know, like some of them have maintained themselves. This is another thing about my ability to kind of acquire penis, if you will, is that sometimes they're very far away. Because this country is so big. And so I'll be like, oh, you're hot. Let's smash. And then like, so I'll go and do that.

And then I'll be like, oh um you're really far away this just takes hours and hours to get to you like i don't know if my schedule has time to for that flight and then the hang and then the smash and then the then the freaking post smash dinner you know or whatever the hell it is you name it you know i love that that's the order of events fly there smash and then go to dinner i guess we're going to dinner now here's a secret like eating before you smash it's like and then but afterwards you're so hungry and everything tastes amazing and so so the idea is to meet up with someone and actually have some level of smash relationship with somebody who you can actually talk to yes that's all i want you know i want to get deep dicked and then be able to be like can we have a

conversation about our deep dark secrets yeah let's let's speak over food i need to eat now now's the time i'm eating feed me feed me and so yeah no i i just want to be a human and then you know deep dick times and then be a human again like it seems really basic as a concept yeah and it's not but it's really not no and so hard so then it becomes like um so that's kind of like my survival mode and then you've got sentimental me which is another person who's actually looking for the one if you believe in that concept but like you know the kind of real partner and they both exist simultaneously okay and so part of me is like oh my libido's high it's time and then the other side of me is like but also you're massively sentimental and like you know you you

have that side that wants to kind of be in this kind of couple unit, but you're not meeting any men that are, you know. Are worthy of it. Worthy, you know. And so this is a real tough thing. It's like, that's what I'm going through the world experiencing. And I get some offers. It's all right. I think the accent counts for something it does i'm telling

you the longer you're here when the world opens up more in the u.s people are going to fucking love your accent because that's like part of our racism so like you they see you they're like okay a big black woman and then you start talking they go oh no no she's English that's an English woman yeah and then the blackness kind of fades away so like honestly when the world opens up Yola I think you gonna get smashed a whole bunch you know what I'm really hoping so I'm really hoping so I'm new I'm new blood here so you know if you've not had any luck then I'm new here and you know that's what it is but I haven't had the opportunity to really be out in these streets yet you know that's the thing that

I'm noticing I'm excited for you seriously like it's it's time it's really time you know but yeah that's what it is that's where I am in my dating life right now is I'm 50% kind of ho in it 50% kind of a sentimental old grandma and they live together and they don't cancel each other out I will always be like a moderate to high libido woman and I'm just gonna have to find someone who can both manage to be have that in their personality whilst not being like a person like personality lusts because literally you know they have nothing else on their mind when you find that person ask them if they got a brother because that's what i want you know i think yeah that's truly what i want like i feel like i'm in the same place where I'm like, 50% sentimental want to be in a relationship 50% like, we got to fuck and I want to fuck a lot.

Yes. You want me to lick these titties. Okay. Seriously, just lots. I'm sorry. Just lots. Just lots. That's what it is. I'm sorry. I'm not going to be the person that's like, Oh, you know, see you next year. Like, no, no, no. Can I ask, have you started filming the movie that you were cast in yet? Yeah, we finished my scenes. Oh. I've been to Australia.

I came back. Oh, okay. She is a world traveler. Pandemic, what? Pandemic, no. She on the planes. Was that your first acting role 100 i've come in at the top how how was it was it like were you how did you feel i felt like a freaking god and honestly i fucking love that you were like i got to work with Baz Luhrmann and I was the god.

I felt like it. I love it. Well, I was playing Sister Rosetta Thup, an actual god. You know, a real life person. Yes, the actual person who created rock and roll. Exactly. So I'm like representing a person responsible for discovering little Richard and as a result, giving us everything he's responsible for at the same time. Him being influenced by her as well as her discovering him.

So like it was like one where you see someone that's kind of that made up and that kind of extra and that kind of camp. You go, of course course a queer woman found him yes in the 50s you think a white guy's freaking promoting that hell no hell to the no that's a queer black woman right there and so like it starts making sense like the things that aren't regaled in the music history hallowed halls are like and he just came to light i'm like how people barely like black people back in the day yes who who who found him and so i'm responsible for so much and so that felt just really empowering i can't wait to see it. I saw your casting and I was really excited. I was like,

she's going to be singing. She's going to get the due. She should have gotten. She was inducted in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, I think recently, which is insane. It wasn't done years and years and years ago. I'm excited. Here's a

question. People automatically think I can sing ago I'm excited here's a question okay so like people automatically think I can sing because I'm a big black woman and I cannot I'm like absolutely tone deaf but are you one of those people who thinks any person can sing some people are like everyone has a voice no and I used to I used to lecture the science of voice production and voice pathology for singers in universities. And I can tell you, some people are just tone deaf. Okay. So it's to do with your ears. Now, people that say that anyone can sing, muscularly, you can trace someone to use their muscles.

But if their ears are useless, there's nothing you can do. So it's your ears need to be able to hear it for your body to be able to replicate it. Interesting. All right. So yeah, I'll give up. I'll throw the towel in. I've said for years I can't sing. People are like, you can.

Now I'm going to be like, no, my ears are useless. I cannot do it. Thank you. Goodbye. If you can tell if someone's in or out of tune, then you can probably sing. If you can't tell if anyone's in or out of tune ever, then you're tone deaf.

Incidentally, tone deafness is quite rare. Oh. So maybe I'm not fully tone deaf. Yeah. But, like, I can't tell sometimes. I might be on the borderline. You literally can't tell. You're only on the borderline.

I know. But, like, if you can tell, in those moments you can tell, the borderline you literally can't tell you're only on the borderline i know but like when when if you can tell in those moments you can tell you could control if your ears know your body can know it just takes a lot of studying to also just time really of learning how to open the vocal fold how to get the chords to be just touching and not resting on each other, how to use the abdominal wall to get your diaphragm moving. All of these things, it's a mechanic. It's like if you were a sprinter and you had Usain Bolt's trainer, you know, you're like, I'm going to learn the biomechanics of what I'm doing.

And that's what I used to lecture was the biomechanics of singing. That's like truly very interesting to me. Do you like lose your voice a lot because you do have a gravelly voice i'm like i don't you just i again i don't know very much about music or singing but i'm just like i know that this is a wide range of notes that she hits yeah so like how do you protect your voice well honestly so i actually got bilateral vocal nodules when I was 23 or something. And I had to like quit all the jobs I was doing. I couldn't speak for two months.

And I had to walk around with like a pad of paper and write down what I was thinking. And then I was able to speak. And I was just croaking for the next kind of months and then but I wasn't able to sing for a year and a half and so I was like I very fortunately broke my ankle about the same time and so like they weren't they gave me like this incapacity benefit where I couldn't, where, cause I couldn't do any work. I couldn't talk. So I couldn't apply for anything and I couldn't walk.

So I couldn't like do anything outdoorsy or like practical. It's like, I can't talk and I can't walk. What can I do? And they're like, nothing. You need to be able to do like, like if you can't walk,

like people that like maybe have like um deafness or dumbness they might be able to do something physical if they have limitations that they can't come over with some kind of hearing aid or whatever if you are physically you have issues you might want to do data entry or something like that or things like that but if it's like uh but you need to be able to apply for these things so you'll need to be able to talk and i'm like i can't do either of these things that honestly sucks because i dislocated my ankle last year at the end of last year and i was like this whole world is not designed for anybody who's not fully able to like walk upstairs and shit like i had one

job where i was like how do i get to the stage and they knew that i had a little scooter to get around and they're like oh these two little stairs and i was like excuse me and then to get in my trailer there was like six little stairs so i had to crawl into my trailer every single day uh-huh i'm sorry that no lady should be made to crawl unless she wants to and it's towards the D. Yes, during a dig. And that's my treat for crawling. Thank you. I got up the stairs and all I got was a makeup brush in my face.

No, thank you. That's not what I want. Not good enough. Sorry. Not good enough. Oh, geez. Well, Yola, we've come to the end, and this has truly been delightful.

Like a real treat. Also, I love your hair. It is purple. It's kinky. I love it. It's cute. Thank you. Did you dye it or did you get it like that?

Yeah, I dyed it. Yeah, I used this like X Mondo color. It was really vibrant. And I just bleached it a bit up before I did it. And yeah, so it's a little bit dry from the bleach, but I like it. You a bit up before I did it and yeah so it's a little bit dry from the bleach but I like it you know yeah I like it um so I ask all my guests this would you date me you know what yeah you know I'd really good you know I have to your energy is everything. I just have to, you know, learn about flipping the other way. Well, you just, you lick it and you have a nice time.

There you go. There you go. See, simple. Why doesn't everyone get it right? That's what I want to know. Do you have anything that you want to promote? Oh, well, I have this little thing called an album coming out. It's coming out on July 30th.

And I'm so bloody excited. I can't tell you. It's yeah, it's called Stand For Myself. And I'm hella proud of it. I want everyone to go and get it that's listening right now. And if you don't, it's because you hate me and you wish me death so like that's that's all i want from this and also people that are hot and single to go into my dms and just dm me on insta please actually if you're actually hot just go in there and dm me and i will see it at some point please and your instagram is just at yola yes i i am yola official i'm dead serious oh i am yola

i'm new to this country so you know let's put it out there we were talking about putting ourselves out there and you should be doing the same put yourself out there go people i'm single we need this let's go i have put myself out there and the only people who slide into my dms are women apologizing for not being men and gay men being like i don't want you but uh i think you're fun which is you know kind but great so all of those people could not dm me that would be real great i don't need that conversation don't waste my time i mean i agree but thank you if you like this episode of

why won't you date me you can like it you can rate it you can subscribe you can rate it five stars on Apple podcasts if you write me something nasty hitting on me that's one of the DMs I'll accept I'll read it this person says hi Nicole I'm actually a straight guy and a fan of your comedy I would love to bend you over

eat that booty hole like a pie eating contest, all while finger blasting that lovely chocolate puss puss. Once you're dripping wet, it's time to take you to pound town. Fuck a Theragun. I'm a full on construction worker. Jackhammer that pussy. Make your eyes cross and forget your name kind of jackhammer pounding. Anyway, wasn't kidding. I'm a straight guy. That's fun. Wow. So if you're listening to this right now, send me a picture of you and we'll see what happens.

Yes. Victory. Y'all, maybe it works. It does. Put yourself out on these streets. Just ask for it. Ask.

Hello. You want it? You know, there you go. I want nothing but joy for you. And thisms my heart i've got to say i feel the same way and honestly i'm so excited for more people to listen to your albums to see you act just to like enjoy like if you have like okay if yola's coming to your city do yourself a treat and go see her live. She is truly incredible. I'm not like lying to you.

You will have like a full blown experience. The voice is raw. The voice is there. She tells stories in between songs like Yola. I love you. Thank you so much for doing this. Thank you so much for having me. This has been awesome.

Oh, okay. Bye bye. All right. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotaroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you.

Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream. What a dream. Ha ha ha. This has been a Team Coco production.