Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Proposing is So Weird! (w/ Mo Welch)

Episode Date: February 21, 2025

Comedian Mo Welch joins Nicole to share how she met her wife at a lesbian bowling event, the unique “proposal order” they planned for their engagement, and whether height really matters in lesbian relationships. She dives into LA’s tight-knit lesbian scene, questions why society clings to outdated proposal traditions, and pitches her take on improving Love Is Blind. Plus: the story of how she lost her virginity at circus school—with a clown.WATCH this episode on YouTube at: youtu.be/iIE1Acf-y_0Check out Mo Welch's new special, DAD JOKES, on Hulu.Write to Nicole! Send your dirty messages to [e-mail] with the subject line "Dirty Message" and Nicole may read it in a future episode.Follow:YouTube: @WhyWontYouDateMePodcastTikTok: @whywontyoudatemepod Instagram: @nicolebyerX: @nicolebyerNicole's book, #VERYFAT #VERYBRAVE: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746To support this podcast, check out our sponsors & get discounts:SquareSpace: Head to squarespace.com/DATEME to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code DATEME.ZocDoc: Stop putting off those doctors appointments and go to Zocdoc.com/DATEME to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today.OneSkin: Get 15% off OneSkin with the code DATEME at oneskin.co #oneskinpodSkims: Check out the Fits Everybody Collection at skims.com/dateme #skimspartnerAudience Survey: ​​Go to GUM.FM/DATEME to fill out our audience survey.View all of our sponsors and discounts codes at wwydm.notion.site/sponsorsThis is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Why Won't You Date Me? via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Love the podcast? You'll love seeing even more of it on video! Watch this full episode on YouTube. Just check the description for the link. Subscribe so you don't miss out. New video episodes drop every Friday. This is a HeadGum Podcast. Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why. Baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me and Nicole

Byer was trying to figure out why I was so single, even though you could come on the table and then cut the dry come up and say, that's a SIM card. Oh. Oh. I guess today is a comedian, cartoonist, and co-host of podcast. I don't even use a SIM card. I don't think anyone uses a SIM card. I'm like, what? And co-host of the podcast is Sooin Hearts. Her new comedy special, Dad Jokesokes is out now on Hulu.

It's Mo Welles! Did I say your last name right? Welsh? Welch. Welch. Like, hard C-H. So is it Welch Grapefruit Juice? By the time people get to well, it's like they understand. They know who it is.

Yes, yeah. It's Welch? Welch's? Yeah, Welch's. We've been calling it Welch's. Mm-hmm. This is humiliating for me. To the Welch? Welch. Yeah. Welch's. We've been calling it Welch's. Mm-hmm. This is humiliating for me. Wow.

To the Welch family. Oh my God. How disrespectful of me. Yeah. Jack Welch. Other famous people. Are you of the Welch's? No, but I used to lie about that when I was a kid.

They'd be like, you own fruit snacks? I'm like, mm-hmm. That's a funny lie. Yeah, it is a great lie. My sister's old roommate, her last name was Ortega, so I would call her first name Ortega heiress to the Ortega's fortune. And my sister was always like, why do you do that? Because her last name's Ortega and that's funny.

It's such an easy thing to lie about. Especially when they see my mom pulling up in her car, they know immediately I'm a compulsive liar. Oh. Yeah. No? You got. Oh. Yeah. No? Mm-mm. You got a question. Yeah.

You're married, aren't you? Yes, I am. When did you get married? Okay. It was either 2017 or 2018, I cannot remember. It was 2017. It was? Yes. Oh my God, thank you.

And it was during the winter solstice. Yes, yes. I knew the date, but I always forget what year it was. That's okay. All the years are running together. It's kind of wild. Yeah. It was the first Trump administration. I remember that specifically. Isn't that funny that we get to say that now?

The first Trump administration. Especially after having a break. Yeah. A little halftime. Yeah. It's almost like graduating high school and then going to college for four years and going, I wanna go back to high school. It is, we're Josie Grossie. We're Josie Grossie, oh man.

But that movie does turn out well. She kisses Michael Vartan, her teacher, which is not truly okay in the grand scheme of things, but for the movie world, it's okay. So that's at the end of this administration. We can all look forward to kissing Michael Bartan. Kissing Martin. Who I don't even know if he works anymore.

Mars, can you look up if Michael Bartan is working? Sure. Yeah. He was in so many good rom-coms. Was he? I only know him from Never Been Kissed. And I know he was on Alias, but I have never seen Alias. Same.

I'm not interested. Yeah, me neither. I don't even know. So it's a spot. It's Jennifer Gardner with her brown hair flipping around, and Michael Vartana's there. And that other guy? His last credit was in 2018 for God-Friended Me. You're right.

Oh, on CBS? Maybe? Huh? I love that you know that. for God friended me. You're right. Oh, on CBS? Uh, maybe? What? Wait, I love that you know that. I'm waiting. I don't know any other movies he's been in. Yes, CBS 2. It was on CBS?

CBS 2. Why do I know any of this? CBS 2. Wait, CBS 2? What is that? I don't know, it's just CBS and the 2 logo. Do you know what that is? It's like ESPN 2? There was a CBS 2? That's probably local, the local affiliate. CBS 2. Wait, CBS 2? What is that? I don't know, it's just CBS and the 2 logo? Do you know what that is?

It's like ESPN 2? There was a CBS 2? That's probably the local affiliate of CBS. Oh, on the East Coast, CBS is channel 2. I don't know what it is out here. Right. Never gotten to cable out here. Anyway, you got married in the winter solstice of 2017.

Yes, I did. Yeah, I got married. I did it. You did. And we're still together. That's nice. Yeah. All these did it and we're still together. That's nice. Even that yeah Even all these trying years were still together It has been it's been a long time and you met or know your first date was at Mohawk Bend

We are first official a date was at Mohawk Bend. Yeah, it doesn't exist anymore. I know Yeah, because here's the thing she asked to at Jones' in West Hollywood, which is an iconic bar. And I don't think that's going anywhere. And so if I would have not ditched the first date, we would have had Jones. Yeah. Now we gotta go to Pitfire Pizza, which is what's in Mohawk Bend now. Which is kind of a bummer, isn't it?

Yeah, but okay, this is very controversial. Yes. I actually think that I would, I would eat a pizza from Pitfire and like it more than Mohawk Bend. I liked Mohawk Bend's pizza. I did too, but I really like Pitfire. I also do like Pitfire pizza,

but I guess it's a bummer for me because it's a chain. Yeah, it is. And chain, chain, chain. Chain. Oh. Oh. It's a chain for a reason though! Yeah, it's good. I feel crazy today, I don't know why.

But I guess yeah, chains are good, but like they bum me out. Do you know what I mean? Well, they're, yeah, I mean you go into a chain and I hate like walking into a bad Panera chain because there are actually Believe it or not some good Panera chains in the Midwest. Yeah. Oh, yeah Like my grandma my mom go as if it's like a French cafe. Mm-hmm. Really? It's genuinely good and it's run well That's really funny. Anyway, you got married during It's run well. That's really funny. Anyway, you got married during the wedding.

You're so stupid. Oh my God. Yeah. How did you ask your wife to marry you? So we were going on this big trip and we kind of knew that we both wanted to ask each other separately. And so we knew it was gonna happen on the trip

because she didn't really want like a big surprise like it's gonna happen. And so we were like, okay, it's gonna happen on the trip. I'll go first and you go second. And that's all we knew. And so when we were... In proposing? Yeah, like... You picked a proposal order?

We did. Wait, that's really funny. And you just said that like it was a normal thing. No, it's not normal, yeah, I guess. Or not normal. It's unusual. It is. Fun though. Yeah, it was...'s unusual. It is. Fun though. Yeah, it was, because she didn't want to be surprised.

So I was like, okay, I just know it's gonna happen. After I do it, I know that she'll ask me at some point on this trip when we were going to Paris and Barcelona. Ooh. And so I asked her in Paris and then she asked me in Barcelona. Oh, that's nice. And it was, yeah, it was so fun.

Did you like Paris? I, I mean, it was raining and we were there for two days. Okay. Paris is interesting. I found it to be a very romantic city and it was like pretty to see like, kind of like how New Orleans is kind of like very,

very pulls from, you know, French culture or whatever. But I was like, what a dirty city. It was dirty as hell. It was, I don't remember. I couldn't believe it. I feel like I've been in so many dirty cities. I don't even remember it was dirty. Yeah, I mean, I guess cities are just dirty in general.

But I also got into a cab with a man who smelled so terribly that I simply was like, you don't smell yourself? You don't do it. You're not, how are you living? Because all the windows are up and I was like, nobody's sentencing you to live like this. Roll down a window, go get deodorant.

And then nobody liked it when I spoke French to them. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Except for the man at the hotel, he liked it. And he kept encouraging me, but everyone else was so mad at me. I know, because you think you have to know a few phrases and you go over to a country, they're like,

I know, immediately they know we're American. Well, other countries, sometimes they're like, wow, you tried, that's fun. Everywhere I've gone in Mexico, they're like, good job, idiot. And I'm like, yay, you tried, that's fun. Like everywhere I've gone in Mexico, they're like, good job, idiot. And I'm like, yay! I was like, hola, me llamo Nico. And they're like, nobody cares, what do you wanna eat?

Hamburguesa con queso, por favor. And they're like, good job. And in France, they were like, no, stop it. Yeah, they want no part of it, you're right. Yeah, it was very mean. And I feel so self-conscious saying anything in any other language. Why?

Because I know it's bad and I know they know. I know they know I'm an idiot. Like I know that they know. Well, it's wild that we only speak English. It is, it's, I mean, that's- It's crazy. It's my parents' fault, like that's on them. No, it's the education system's fault. And is. It's crazy. It's my parents' fault. That's on them. No, it's the education system's fault.

And the education system's fault. And if we're similar ages, George Bush's fault. Yes. No child left behind. Actually, I have no idea what that's about. None whatsoever. I just know that he was like, don't leave the children behind.

I was like, some of them need to be. Like the dumb ones, leave them behind. Yeah, I got a few siblings I could have left behind. Right? Yeah. I could have left me behind, honestly. I needed a little bit, a little extra time. So how did she perp, wait, OK.

So what did you do in Paris? Did you wait for like a very romantic moment? So my plan was I read somewhere that the oldest, there was like the oldest tree in Paris was in this park. And I thought, isn't that like cool and possibly symbolic? And I had a little, I can't remember what I had prepared, but I had a few things on my phone prepared to say. And then, so we're going on our walk,

we had a few shots of tequila. Ooh. And we were walking. It's raining at this point. It's always raining in Paris. And we get to the park and the park is closed. Oh no. And that was my whole plan.

I just wanted to get to this old tree and hope it doesn't fall on us. And I like... Propose to her. And just be really romantic. Will you marry me? This tree's not gonna kill us. Yeah.

And then so, I mean, everywhere is romantic in Paris. So it's like you go a block. So we went, like, down by the river, and I was like, this seems nice, and it was, like, under a willow tree. And then I just, like, proposed to her. And it felt so weird. It felt like... I just don't feel like I should be, like... Because I, like, went down on a knee,

because I thought that's what I was supposed to do. And it felt so wrong to me. Like, I was like, why am I down here? Like, it felt so, I can't even, it's like she, I was like, she's like my queen or something. I was like, this is odd. Like, what's wrong? It is, I have never thought of it.

It is weird to get on one knee. Yeah. Why? Mars, you gotta look up, why? Why are we doing this? Why is that a tradition? And also like when you're gay, you really can make up your own rules. And I don't know why I didn't make up my own rule at that point.

It does stem from medieval times as a practice of knights kneeling before their lords as a gesture of respect, loyalty and submission. Wow. Oh, interesting. I know a lot of men who've gotten on a knee and were not respectful and didn't submit, so that's pretty interesting. I don't think I need anyone to get on a knee.

No, I mean, you see the photos, like not these photos, but like of anyone getting proposed to. I'm like, OK, but when you're actually doing it, it's weird. I'm telling you, it's just the weirdest thing. Everything inside of me was like, this is wrong. And it was just because I was down on a knee. Well, it's strange because it's like you're getting on one knee because you have two knees, but you're only getting on one. Yeah, and then

There's another person who's like ah Screaming at it and then there's people walking past her like what's oh, it's a proposal like it's just it's a weird thing It's that we do it's very weird It's it is like we were we were, we'll probably come back in the morning and there's like a dead rat with a new print on it. Cause, you gotta say what? Cause Paris is dirty. Paris is filthy.

As we know. But romantic. Yeah, it was romantic even though it felt wrong. And yeah, and then she proposed to me in Barcelona. And she- Where in Barcelona? In an Airbnb. Ooh! But it was a really pretty one. Oh, it is nice.

Yeah, and I don't remember anything we said. You prepare so much, like, what am I gonna say? And then you go, what did I say? I don't know. I was just like thinking about how I was on a knee. You know? How weird that was. You said it was raining, did your knee get wet?

Yeah. Ew. Yeah, we were wet. We were just like drenched. And then you just had to walk around wet. Yeah. But engaged. But engaged.

So. Yeah. People were envious of you. There was some woman, some woman that was like, I wish I was wet and engaged. Yeah. I don't know if I would ever propose to somebody. I don't know if I want to get proposed to. Yeah. But I'm like, yeah, what do you say back? Like, should, if I get, if I know someone's gonna propose to me,

should I have something written that I then take out to read to them? Right. Like, it's The Bachelor? I've never seen The Bachelor. Or The Bachelorette. Or The Golden Bachelor. At the end, they all have, well, I guess, okay, Love is Blind. They both have, do you watch Love is Blind?

I watch the second season. Oh, OK. LAUGHS Yeah, I do a weird thing where I'm not getting on it when everybody's excited. I'll get in, I'll watch one season, and then I dip out. I love that you're like, wait for them to get rid of those kinks too. They iron them out and then you're like,

I'm in season two when the producers figured out what they were doing. Yeah, they figured it out. Fat people are not a part of the conversation, which I think is wild. Put some fatties in there. Put some real uggos in there. Let's really see if love is blind. Yes.

I do agree. Wouldn't that just be more entertaining? Let's really see if love is blind. Yes. I do agree. Wouldn't that just be more entertaining? It would be entertaining. I totally agree with that. Because love is not blind. I think you put someone in there, I'll say it, somebody, young boys, 86. 86 girls with a young voice.

I thought you said young boys, and I was like, I don't think I can cosign that idea. You're like, uh, delete delete Officer, she's here rewind No, I agree. Yes, really old guy young boys. Yes. Yes old ladies young voices big titties Strange voices. I don't know

Big titties. And then, then I'll, then I'll voice like that. Let's get some voice actors in here. Yeah. I'll say, I've been met you. Imagine the hottest,

the hottest woman you've ever seen with that voice. And then you realize that you didn't choose her. And you fucked up. Yeah. That would be more entertaining than what they have going on. Yeah, I agree with that. And I'll say it, Nick and Vanessa, not great hosts.

Mm-mm. I just have a feeling that they go to a lot of couples therapy, but not in a good way. In like a last ditch effort kind of way. Right. Well, they just never ask the questions I wanna know the answers to. It feels like they always just end up talking about their way. Right. Well, they just never ask the questions I wanna know the answers to. It feels like they always just end up talking

about their relationship. Yes. And I don't think anybody should be, like if they break up, it's their career's over at this point. Uh oh, yeah. Well, no. Look at all this love.

Nicholas Shea will just bounce back with another woman to do things with. A different reality show, you're right. Because he went from Jessica Simpson to Vanessa, and then after Vanessa, there'll probably be a Tiffany. Or a Marta. Ooh, we're gonna Marta. Hopefully he'll date someone age appropriate.

That seems like an age appropriate name. Yeah, you're right, but love is blind will be over. Somebody else, another married couple will have to host it. Who do you think? Maybe Justin Bieber and Hailey Bieber. Yeah. Somebody stable. Yeah.

Yeah. Wait, how did you meet your wife? We met at... We'll take a break first. Yes. It's a cliffhanger. How did they meet? We'll never know. Ooh baby, let's talk about underwear.

We all want to feel good in our bodies and shouldn't our underwear help with that? Like I have itty bitty tiny little titties and I love it when I can find a nice supportive bra that makes them POP! So let me tell you about Skims. Fits everybody. I finally tried Skims after seeing all the hype and boy oh boy do I love their underwire bras. They don't dig into me and the fabric feels so nice and they make my titties look grrrr

right! Their bralettes don't have any clasps, so it's comfy on the body. Skims fabric feels so nice, and I love how they have a ton of neutral colors, so I could find a bra that fits my skin tone perfectly. And it doesn't show when I wear white. Plus, Skims underwear is great for any occasion.

They make me look hot for date night, they're comfortable enough to wear just lounging around at home. So what are you waiting for? Find a bra that fits you with Skims. Shop Skims fits everybody collection at skims.com and in skims stores. And it's available in sizes from extra extra small to 4X. After you place your order, be sure to let them know I sent you.

Select podcast in the survey and be sure to select my show in the drop down menu that follows. I love taking care of my skin, but I hate wasting money on products that don't work. There's nothing worse than spending way too much on a product only to realize it's doing absolutely nothing. That's why I like OneSkin because their science-backed formula actually works at a cellular level, so you're not just slapping on another moisturizer with a fancy name. Their OS1 peptide is the first ingredient scientifically proven to target the cells

that contribute to lines, wrinkles, and thinning skin, while most products just sit on top of your face pretending to help, one skin actually works beneath the surface improving hydration, collagen production, and skin barrier function. I love that their moisturizer is super light and easy to layer over other products so it fits nicely into my routine. Plus their packaging is reusable so it feels good knowing that I am not constantly throwing away another jar every few months. Founded and led by an all-woman team of skin longevity scientists,

OneSkin is redefining the aging process with their proprietary OS1 peptide, the first ingredient proven to help skin look, feel, and behave like its younger self. Get 15% off with code DATEMY at oneskin.co. That's 15% off oneskin.co with code DATEMY. After you purchase, they'll ask you where you heard about them.

Hey, please support my show and tell them I sent you. Invest in health and longevity of your skin with OneSkin. Your future self will thank you. Well, let me tell you about Squarespace, the sponsor of this podcast. It's an all-in-one platform that helps you build a website for literally whatever you're into. Create a site that actually looks professional without needing a computer science degree. And now Squarespace has design intelligence, which is basically like having your own

personal web designer. It helps you build a site that fits your brand and style in just a few clicks. You don't have to stress about layouts or color schemes. Squarespace takes care of all of that for you. Plus Squarespace Payments makes it easy to sell anything. Whether it's merch, digital content, or booking services, you can set up payments in minutes and accept Apple Pay, Klarna, Afterpay, and more. So your customers have plenty of options.

And if you're on social media, you can sync your Instagram, YouTube, and other platforms right to your site. That means your content updates automatically without you having to do any extra work. There is no better time than now to build your dream website. Go to squarespace.com slash date me for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch,

use code DATEME to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. That's squarespace.com slash date me with code DATEME for 10% off. And we're back, okay. how'd you meet your wife? We met at a bowling alley, Chateau Lanes. Have you ever been there? Yes, I have been there five times

in the last 13 months. Weird stats. What? Wow. It's a classic bowling alley. Is it your favorite in LA? Mm, yes. I do like, I mean, I've only been to three in LA.

So Highland Park Bowl, they're hard to get on the phone. Right. The Roosevelt has like a little party room where they have like two lanes, it's really cute. Right. And then Chateau is great. They got a good hot dog. Yes. That seems like a place where they... when smoking was banned from indoor places,

they like took a hit. I think so. And they probably let people smoke still after that ban took effect. Probably. Yeah. I love smoking inside. Not my home or anything. Because I think that's gross.

And we rewatched Sex and the City, Carrie Bradshaw chain smokes in her house, and I think that's sick. But like out and about, oh my God, give me a little sickie. When I was younger, my parents smoked in the house until I banned my mom from doing it. And it's funny that that was such an, like I really had to argue with her to not smoke inside.

What was her counter? I don't, once I actually kept doing it, she eventually just was like on the porch, but I don't think she I actually kept doing it she eventually just was like on the porch But I don't think she ever had an excuse. I mean it's Chicago is cold, but it is cold But I feel like if your child is like, please stop my lungs. Well, that's why she quit smoking She quit smoking for my 16th birthday. Oh, that's nice because I was bullying her so much I was like, oh you think I can go play basketball when you're just smoking? I have all this secondhand smoke,

like you're gonna slow me down. And my hair would smell like smoke and I just had all this smoke on me. And so eventually she quit for my birthday, cold turkey and never smoked again. That's wild. Yeah, after smoking for 25 years. Whoa.

Yeah. That, does she, well, I should talk to her. No, I don't wanna quit. Yeah. I quit for one year, because I read this book by Alan Carr and I got to the last chapter and I was like, I think I wanna quit.

So I stopped reading it. Yeah. And then when I wanted to quit again, I re-read it and I finished it and I quit for a full year. And when I started again, I made a conscious choice. I was like, I'm gonna start smoking. I'm gonna get addicted right back to this.

And then I did that. What? You just, you read the book backwards and you started smoking again. Yeah, I read it backwards. I was like, the cigarettes are yummy. What is your brand? Oh, it's Humiliating Marl-Menthols.

They do not sell them in California. Is that green or blue? Yes, green. It is green or blue? What is that green? It is green, but it's fully green, not with the white and not with the gold. Oh, okay. Because there's a difference. Yeah.

And then when I leave the state, that's when I get them. That's when you get them. Yeah. We used to do parliaments in high school. Uh, parliaments are the best because you can do cocoa with them. They've got that recessed filter. It's a perfect bomb.

We're really missing out on Chicago. No one ever, no, I didn't even know anyone did cocaine until I moved to LA. Wow, yeah, everyone loves cocaine. That's why girls go to the bathroom together. Yeah, I've learned that. I learned that. I always thought people were like,

I was like, Jesus, why are they doing like a threesome in the middle of a party and they're taking up the bathroom this whole time? And then I realized drugs. Because there's mirrors in the bathroom. Well, actually there's a door so you don't have to share. Right. That's the only reason.

Because if you put it out on the coffee table, then other people, if you put Coke on a coffee table, it's like flies to honey. Yeah. Is that the phrase? Flies love honey to honey. Is that the phrase? Flies love honey. Wait, what's the phrase?

Who loves honey? Flies to a fly strip. Remember this part? You can catch more flies of honey than with vinegar and all of them. Oh, hell yeah. Coke on the table's honey. Wait, how did you meet your wife?

Oh, right, okay. So we met a place that's probably had a lot of people doing cocaine at it. We met at Chateau Lanes. We met at an event though. We met at an event that was run by Joey Soloway who created Transparent and it is called Bowl, and that's where we met. And it is embarrassing.

Why is it embarrassing? Because it's just, I just never imagined that would be my fairy tale story that we met at Les Bowl. You met at Les Bowl? Yeah. But you met at an event that has a pun for a name. Right.

Which is number one wrong, I feel like. I feel like that's immediately like this is unserious. I mean, yes. It is funny though. It's funny. At Les Bowl, I'll assume it was lesbians bowling. That's right. Look at me, scooping up context clues.

So what, who spoke to who first? Did you see your wife and you were like, oh, yum, yum, yum? I was dating around at that moment. You were in the streets. I was on the streets and I couldn't be tamed and had no interest in really meeting anyone at this Les Bowl. I was just going with friends. And I was kind of focused on the game

because I was bowling with a few people and I wanted to beat them, because that's always my focus when I'm bowling, even though I make it seem like I am, you know, just being chill and talking with everybody. I do want to win and I do get upset if I don't. That's funny. Yeah. But you care so much. I care. I do get upset if I don't. That's funny. Yeah. That you care so much.

I care. I do, I care. I'm so bad at bowling, if I cared, it would harm my mental health. Like I'm just really bad at it. So when you're bowling, you're not competitive at all? Or are you competitive with yourself? Like I hope I get some things down?

No, I spend a lot of time being like, I threw that straight, something's going on, that's not me. I Did good? And I don't know why it's not knocking like last time I went bowling I kept rolling it down the middle and it would hit the middle and then it would leave like Two on the side or like two over here and I would turn around and go they should have all fell down Yeah, and you're right and that's that's how. I hate when there's two, one on each side.

And they're like, oh you just have to hit it on the right. Hit the pin all the way on the right so it flies over to the other side. And you're like, how about, I think you should get, I think it should be like a field goal and you should be able to just put it right down the middle and then you get three extra pins to your score. Three. I don't know anything about bowling. It's OK. One pin is one point. Yeah. But then if you get a strike, that's more than ten or something. Yeah. I'm so happy those are automated now because it is impossible.

I wouldn't know how to figure out a bowling score. There was always one person when we go bowling. We still always go bowling in high school. And you'd have to get the one friend that could pay attention enough to do all the math and to not get wasted and figure out our scores. I feel like it's always been... No. No?

No, there was a place... You just put your name in. What, you're writing it down? Yes. What? No, when I was a kid... Circle lanes, that's where we went. It was not automated. Really? I wonder if it was on... My mother was a bowler,

and she used to go to Brunswick Lanes and Eaton Town, New Jersey. If you know about it, let me know if it's still open. But I feel like all of it was automated. There was also a kids' room where all the toys were covered in, like, filth. I remember being a child being like, I'd rather sit in the smoke than be in here with these nasty toys and these nasty children.

Ugh. I love a kids' room just like the children of Bowlers. Like, what are we doing here? Yeah, the children of Bowlers, they just sat in this room. I don't think there was an adult there either. Like, I think they, we were just put in the room and told to like not come out. That place did not have automated scorekeeping.

I feel like they did. And then my sister was always like, we were told to stay in here. And I'd be like, well, bitch, you stay in here. I know where a door handle is. I'm getting out. And I would always escape. You should.

Oh my God. Okay, so you're at Chateau Lanes. Yes. And you see your wife. Okay, so she sees me. I'm bowling. I'm doing really good at bowling. I did beat everybody that night

and I felt good about myself. And she came up to me and said, hey, I think I've played basketball with you in the basketball league. And I was like, oh, really? That's how we sparked the conversation. And we started to talk, but she was on a date with another woman.

Yes. Yeah. Go after what you want. Yeah. And so she would wait. She waited until she went to the bathroom or the kid's room, who knows. At this point now I'm questioning myself. She's like, I gotta touch some toys.

And so she'd wait for her and then she would come in and talk to me. And then after that, that woman was like, hey, do you have a thing for Mo? And she said, no. But she was, messaged me after on Facebook and said, do you like, hey, do you want to get together and talk about what position I could play in the WNBA? So call back to the conversation.

Uh-huh. And I still at this point was like, this is not a real, I think she's networking because she had just moved from New York. And I thought she wanted to like, you know, get in on the UCB deets, like, how am I gonna get a show? How am I gonna get on this improv shows? Thinking I'm a gatekeeper. And so I, that's why I blew her off the first time,

at Jones. And then, and then we met, yeah, for our first date at Mohawk Bend. And... Had she broken up with the other lady or was she in these streets with multiple people? She was in the streets and then, well, I think they were like kind of, they weren't like exclusive. Ah, they weren't like official.

Yeah. But had gone on the date with her, like went to Les Bowl with another woman. So that was, that's on her. I of course would never do that. Well, no, you're amazed. Also, every time you say Les Bull, I'm like, I know it's a pun, but it also seems like a slur. Like it just, if you say it aggressively enough,

it's like, oh God, why'd you say it like that? Jesus Christ, Les Bull. You get shoved in a locker. Wait, have you been to Jones yet though? I love Jones, yes, I've been there. It reminds me of Entourage. Like currently, everybody looks like an extra from Entourage and I love it.

Actually, I said I love Jones. I don't know if, it actually is a little loud in there. It's so loud. It's so, and it's very crowded at all times. But they have the best apple pie I've ever had in my whole dang life. Okay, I have to try the apple pie because I've only gotten the pizza.

So good. And I didn't like Jones for the longest time because I went on a date there and it was not a great date. And I was like, I'll never come back here again. And then I went back and I was like, wait a minute. I put something false on this place. Yeah.

This place is great. Doesn't deserve it. It was the date that was not great. When you go back to... Oh, yeah, because I have to bring this up. Okay, so when you go back to Jones, do you still see where you sat on that date and think about it a little?

No idea where we sat. Okay, good. Okay. None whatsoever. But I was on a flight last night and there every single time I fly Delta, I think about your story about the blanket. Don't open those blankets.

Every single time. They're disgusting. But that is what's so funny about being a standup is if you really get a joke into somebody's head, you will remember that comic for the rest of your life. I'm happy to be in your head. Yes, every time. But truly don't, the blankets are disgusting.

They don't wash them. Was it one of the little blankets or the big ones? It was a little one, cause it was from, I think, Atlanta to maybe back to LA. I don't remember, but it was, um, it was like the little ones in the bag. It wasn't like the Delta 1 big ones. Yeah, so when you open that, but so even if I'm cold on a plane, so even if I open it, I always am waiting for something to drop.

Because of your joke. Um, and I feel that way about dates too, like where you really could get a place ruined because of a joke. And I feel that way about dates too, like where you really could get a place ruined because of a bad date. And you know, the place doesn't deserve that, but it happens. How do you feel about having a place with somebody and then you break up,

but it was like a place you went to a bunch, would you ever go back to it or would you just be like, it's retired? It depends on how long I was with that person. Um... Like, if my wife divorced me, there... Obviously, I could never go back to Chatelaine's. Um, Mohawk Bend, it's not a problem,

because it doesn't exist anymore. You can go back, you can go to Pitfire Pizza for the first time. Wait, Mo, tell me about your dating history. Did you date in high school? I did. I had a boyfriend all throughout high school. I had a high school boyfriend four years. You could go to Pitfire Pizza for the first time. Right. Yeah. Wait, Mo, tell me about your dating history. Did you date in high school? I did. I had a boyfriend all throughout high school.

I had a high school boyfriend four years. So you met freshman year and then that was it? Well, no, we started to date junior year. And then we went after high school as well. Oh. Yeah, so he was on the basketball team. And we, yeah, we dated for four years and then broke up in college

and then I had a college boyfriend for two years. And he was like, they were both, I mean, the first guy was a natural bodybuilder. What's a natural bodybuilder? They don't use any, like they test to make sure that you don't use steroids or anything. Oh, well, what's the fun in that? I know, I agree. That's why we broke up. You're like, I need to get big, get swole.

I was like, I need somebody with roids. And then I date this other guy, and he's like a power lifter. And rugby player. And was he using steroids? I actually don't know if he was, but he was big. He was like, I always thought it was so impressive. It was probably the reason I dated him, because he could stand underneath the basketball hoop

and jump up and slam dunk two hands, just from standing there, stationary. Wow, very big boy. Yeah, and I was like, that is cool. And I'm gay, I think. I don't like you as a cool. And I'm gay, I think. I don't like you as a person, but I like this cool trick you can do.

I don't like when we touch, but I love when you dunk. God, that's really funny. Hey, stop kissing me. How about you dunk that ball again? I was like, that's hot. Whatever that is. I was always trying to get him to be on my rec team in college too.

And he was like, he didn't really like basketball as much as I did. But our co-ed teams, I was like, can you please be on our, can you please like my love language? I thought you were trying to Juana man him. Yes, can you please put on a ponytail? Oh, yeah, Juana-man doesn't hold up. It surely, surely, surely doesn't.

Neither does Big Mama's House. Big Mama's House, yeah. I thought that movie was so funny. And I couldn't rent it anywhere. So I bought it for $24.99. Does not hold up. I loved Big Mama's House. Really?

I loved it. I also, well, I loved Martin Lawrence and I love Joanna Mann. I remember crying laughing. I don't care that it doesn't hold up now. Back then, I was crying laughing with my siblings. Like this is because he was like running down the court, trying to grab the player's asses.

And I thought it was the funniest thing I've ever seen. I mean, here's the thing. Sometimes I'll watch a movie where I'm like, I know this didn't age well, but I'm still laughing really hard. Yeah. Oh my God. Listen, that's happening in the WNBA anyway.

Okay, everyone's dating. Yeah, I'm sure. People play each other, they're dating, like they're dating, they play each other's team. You're not gonna grab, you're dating. Yeah, I'm sure. People play each other, they're dating. Like they're dating, they play each other's team. You're not gonna grab, you're not gonna like, good job on the rebound. You know, I'm gonna box out my girlfriend pretty hard if I'm playing basketball with her.

I mean, that's kind of funny. She's been like, tap, tap. Yeah. Box out, tap, tap. Like that was a hard fell. Let's talk about it later, babe. Write the TV show. Write the TV show. Write the TV show about...

Write a soap opera about love and the WNBA. It would be. I mean, so many... I feel like people have tried to pitch that so many times. And now is maybe the time. I think you should. I think it'd be very fun. I've been to, I think, three WNBA games, and I really want to see the Liberty. I gotta see Ellie the Elephant.

ELLIE THE ELEPHANTISM. Who's under there? I don't know. Who is under there? I don't know. Someone who can dance. This is like my Banksy is Ellie the Elephant. Like, who is Ellie?

I don't know. Who's Ellie? Hopefully they'll come out with a documentary about it. There are so many documentaries about things. Let's make a documentary about that. Let's do it. Yeah. There's already a documentary about Blake. There's so many documentaries about things. Let's make a documentary about that. Let's do it. Yeah.

There's already a documentary about Blake Lively and Justin Baldoni's whole misfortune and it's not even resolved. I was like, so this documentary's not ended? They always do that. How did you upload that? Is it like a 2020 sort of situation? Yeah, it's so strange to me. Oh my God, Mo, I have to tell you,

I watched a movie last night called In Time. Have you seen it? Is that a romantic comedy? No, it's a sci-fi with Justin Timberlake. Wait. I didn't know we let him act. I hadn't, and then I mentioned this to someone today, and they're like, he had like a whole career.

And I was like, of several movies? Oh, yeah, he did. And they're like, the social network. And I was like, haven't seen that. And then they named something else. And I was like a whole career and I was like of several movies. Oh yeah, he did. And they were like the social network and I was like haven't seen that and then they named something else and I was like what? Yeah, he had that one where he was like a bad guy. Really? Yeah, I forget what it was called. I missed it and I think it was-

But I don't know this one in time. Okay, the whole premises time is money. Okay. Ah! Immediately I'm in. Literally! Immediately I'm in. Literally. Immediately I'm in. Literally.

And then you stop aging at 25. Okay. Random thing they throw in there. Right. Justin Timberlake's mother is Olivia Wilde. He comes down the stairs and he's like, "'Hi, Mom, I don't think I've laughed harder.'" It was so weird.

Killian Murphy's in it with a coat. And he's running in like every scene. I can't believe this is a movie. Alex Pettifer, remember him from Magic Mike, poised for stardom but acted bad on set. So he got blacklisted. Why do I know this? He's in the movie. And I was like, God, his he got blacklisted. Why do I know this? He's in the movie.

And I was like, God, his English accent is terrible. Hit Wikipedia, he's English. And I was like, what? Blew me away. I was like, how do you talk bad? That's your native tongue. Anyway, we should talk more about relationships. No, I love that. I want to know more about Olivia Wilde's relationship to her son,

Justin Timberlake. Are you going to watch it? No. I love that. I want to know more about Olivia Wilde's relationship to her son, Justin Timberlake. Are you gonna watch it? No. I think you should. Do you think it... Were you like, that's pretty good, or was it like that? Okay. No, I Googled midway through who let Justin Timberlake act, and there was no answer. Is that his last movie?

No. He's been in several more since. And then I asked, is Justin Timberlake a good actor? And then Google was like, he's a capable actor. And I was like, Google's throwing shade. Yeah, really capable. Like, what? You say yes or no, Google. Capable.

I thought capable. That's so nice. I was like, that's a read. But he... It's some of the toughest acting I've ever seen in my whole life. But I recommend the movie. Would you see him live?

For what? I don't know, remember when he... Did you see the memes or the videos when he was like... Oh, this is the mess of the tour. What tour? The World Tour. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Imagine saying that after being arrested for a DUI. I would just be quiet.

Yeah, let's cancel it immediately. Yeah, I'd be like, well, this isn't gonna end. Like, what do you think? The cop is gonna be like, oh my God, please drive home so you can go on your world tour. Like, what? And he's in that like Peter Pan hoist, being hoisted up with his little thing.

Oh, you gotta show, I'll show you after the show. I've never seen that. Yeah. So I was never an in-sync person. I was a Backstreet Boy girl. So I never really understood the allure of Justin Timberlake. I find him upsetting to look at. Right.

His voice, he talks. He has such a strange voice. He's very Disney. Maybe that's what it is. Yeah. Who was your man on, or who was your boy? And the Backstreet Boys? I like them all. Even Howie. Howie was my man.

Oh, really? Yeah, he was. Howie seems nice. Yeah, I thought he was the most attainable. So I thought I always went for the attainable ones. That's very funny. Whereas like genuinely, I think if they really got to know me, we could have a thing.

Did you ever go to concerts and be like, they're going to see me? Yeah, of course. And they're going to like pull me on stage and I'm going to have a new life? Absolutely. I still think have a new life. Absolutely. I still think that as an adult. I think those are all the people that moved to LA.

They're like, genuinely, I'm going to be pulled up on stage. I'm gonna be pulled up on stage. When I went and saw Beyoncé, I was like, she's gonna see me, and she's gonna go, she looks familiar. And then they're gonna look at the footage, and then she's gonna show Rumi and Sir, and they're gonna be like we love nails

It's gonna come find me take me away from this that one makes more sense though for us to be like Okay, okay, yeah, you're right they're winding I was thinking more like a live feed She comes and finds me. None of it's real or believable. Like she's watching game tape of all of her concerts. Yeah, when she's stitching it together for her Netflix thing, Rumi and Sarah are like, nailed it. Just like, hold on, get Nicole Byer's people on the phone. We need Nicole Byer to entertain Rumi and Sarah.

That's what I think every time I go to a Beyonce concert. And I'm going to Calway Carter. It wasn't even my favorite album. I don't care. I love Beyonce. I love her. I really feel like you could be pulled up on stage. Please don't feed that. It's a delusion. Okay. Let's say we're talking about attainability. You go to like a Backstreet Boys concert. You could be pulled up. I think Kevin.

Kevin Richardson is, he's what I, he's who I liked growing up. He's who I like now still. Yeah. So when was the last time you needed to see a doctor? But totally put it off. Maybe you told yourself, I'm too busy or ill heal on its own or I don't even know which doctor to go to because we've all been there because finding a doctor can feel like a chore. That's where Zoc Doc makes life so much easier.

ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high quality in-network doctors and click to instantly book an appointment. No calling, no back and forth, no waiting months just to be seen. You can filter by doctors who take your insurance and that are near you and specialize in exactly what you need.

And the best part, most appointments happen within 24 to 72 hours, sometimes even the same day. Listen, next time I need a new doctor, I'm using this service. Stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to zocdoc.com slash date me to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today. That's z-o-c-d-o-c dot com slash date me. Zocdoc dot com slash date me. Hey, listeners.

There's one big question everyone asked themselves about love and relationships. Can people change? That's exactly what the new season of Love Letters from the Boston Globe sets out to answer. Each episode brings real stories of transformation, resilience, and growth. Get ready to laugh, ha ha, cry, boo hoo, and learn as guests tell real stories about navigating major life changes, mending broken bonds, and learning what it truly takes to evolve. Listen or watch the new season of Love Letters from the Boston Globe, wherever you get your podcasts.

What were we talking about? Oh, attainability. Yeah. Speaking of attainability, your dad used to steal TVs? Thank you. Yes. Yes. And yeah, he thought those were attainable, and guess what?

They were. That made him go to prison. Wait, did he go to prison, prison, or was he just in jail? No, he thought those were attainable. And guess what? They were. That made him go to prison. Wait, did he go to prison, prison, or was he just in jail? No, he went to prison. Oh, dang. I'm sorry. Oh, that's okay.

For how long? I was a baby, so it was, yeah. I think it was like a few years, but he had a few stims. Yeah, on and off. And that is love because my mom stayed with him the whole time. Oh my god, that is devotion. And that is love because my mom stayed with him the whole time. Oh, my God. That is devotion.

Right. Yes. I think it's wild that, like, stealing evolves. Like, if you steal a TV, TVs are like $200 now. I know. You're so right. It was like stealing a car back then. Yes. And they were heavy. I mean, he could have broken his back. Yes. He could have hurt himself. Yeah. It was him and his brother. He had somebody, but...

Oh, I love that. I know, siblings. I love when siblings get along. Yeah. That's sweet. It was sweet. Yeah, him and Paul just out there, stealing those big...

Because those TVs, you had to get a mover. Yes! Yeah. Huge. And, yeah, but my mom, so my mom, the first time, the first kid she ever had, my dad was in prison when she had the baby. Oh, no. Yeah. And so she would, yeah, she would go visit him and all of that.

And I'm always so surprised by the people that stay with people in prison. I would immediately, I mean, it's so fast, I would cheat. There's no way I could be devoted to somebody ever. Would you tell them that you cheated? Why? They're not gonna find out. They could, if they get out of jail and they move back to your hometown

and everybody in your hometown knows that you were cheating. I mean, I guess I thought I was thinking more of prison. Like, it's gonna be like 20 years. Oh. If it's a little bit of jail time, I could work with that. 20 years. I don't think I would cheat. I think I would tell them.

I think I'd be like, hey, 20 years is a really long time. I love you. I'd love to stay together. I'd love to see you grow and thrive on visitation days, but like, I need physical release from somebody, so like, we're gonna have an open relationship. Open relationship in prison. Yeah, that's what I think. You just like go to a visitation and be like,

so we're in a polycule now. You don't know the other people. Yeah, you don't know them. I'll bring them if you want. And you can meet them one by one. Or can you have like a group session? Yeah, you have a group session. Group conjugal visit. Conjugal visits are interesting.

I was technically, I mean, they called it that, but it was actually, my dad was on work release. Like he did have to go back, but he was on work release. And I'm like, that's not as like, I was imagining like, oh, they were in like some cell that like they put walls up on or something for privacy. But it was just work release. Wait, work release is wild.

So you're in jail and then you leave jail to go to work? I guess. And then come back to jail? I should ask my mom. I don't know how it works, but this is the story of how I was born, allegedly. I don't believe anybody's stories anymore. I wouldn't go back to jail. Oh, of course.

I would just leave town. I think, especially back then, I feel like you could have been like, I'm going, like I'm moving to Indiana and nobody would care. Yeah, that's exactly what I would do. I just, jail's not for me. And I don't see it for me. And I think I would escape. Just like when I watched Traders, I was like,

I would win Traders. Whenever I watch things, I'm like, I could do that. Do you think you could do Survivor? Yeah. I know I can't. I can. I could not do the surviving part of it. I could maybe do the manipulation.

I think I could do the manipulation. I think I could do the whole like not eating and sleeping on the ground. I think I would like cuddle up to a lot of people and people would find me endearing and they would take care of me. Yeah. And I think I would like do badly in challenges but like then do just good enough to like really help them win to be like,

yeah, she's not strong enough that I want to vote her out because she's not strong enough to be like, I don't want to do this. I, but like then do just good enough to like really help them win to be like, she's not strong enough that I wanna vote her out because she's not a threat to me. And that is a threat. And that's exactly where you wanna be in Survivor. Although I feel like you don't even have to be good at all challenges anymore. No, you have to be good at like playing the game,

which is just lying to people. Yeah, and that's why Traders was created. They're like, why do we take this other stuff out? It's great. The first episode, it's like, I think you're a traitor. Based on what? Yeah. We just met.

I don't know anything about you, but I think you're, I see it in your eyes. It's wild. It is, they're like, I felt somebody say this when he went by, and I think that that's why they're the traitor. Like when he goes by at the beginning, you're like, what? Yeah, what?

What does that even mean? And you got to catch up, because Tom Sandoval, I don't know him because I don't watch the Bravo stuff, but they cut away to him for reaction shots, and he always never knows what's happening. And it's delightful. Like, his brow is furrowed and he's like looking around and he just, and somebody's just saying hello to him.

Like, he doesn't know anything that's going on. It's wild and I love it. He was in that like special ops or whatever, the, I don't know, Special Forces, some reality show where they... What's Special Forces? It's where they train to be military people, and they did a bunch of challenges.

JoJo Siwell was in it as well. I watched maybe six episodes. And I'm like, they really just hop from reality show to reality show. Wait, Mo, we've barely talked about dating, and I will say, my fault. Were you ever on dating apps or were you just lucky? I did OKCupid once.

Oh. Did you go on any dates from OKCupid? I did. So when I came to LA, I kind of dated a lesbian that was like, I was like, oh, she's hot. She's like an artist. And then turns out like a lot of people have dated her. And so it was just like a really harsh way

to be thrown into the LA dating scene. And then turns out, like, a lot of people have dated her. And so it was just, it was just like a really harsh way to be thrown into the L.A. dating scene. Um, and then all I remember about OK Cupid, who was one girl, was like, I was like, oh, she's really cute. And then apparently she didn't want it. So everybody knows everybody, that's the problem. Even with online dating, especially back then.

But it was like, she had told another lesbian, like, oh yeah, Mo wanted to go out on a date with me, but she's way too tall for me. Oh, no. And I was, yeah, I was just like... That's pretty rude. It was rude. How tall are you?

Five, 10. That's not too tall. That's like Cindy Crawford. Yeah, but I was like, I feel like height doesn't matter in... Um... In the lesbian world as much. Hmm. What? Britney Greiner and no problem.

She's very tall. Is she dating a very tall lady? No. A very tiny lady? Have you seen Denzel Washington's daughter's wife? Oh, yeah. She's so big. She's... I don't think she's that tall, though. I think she's wearing heels.

I think she's like five, ten. I mean, that is kind of tall, you don't think? I mean, it is, but I just thought it was such a funny thing to tell another person. I'm like, okay, there's no privacy on these sites. Like, you're telling another person I'm too tall. It is funny that she decided to tell another person that you were too tall to date. Right. I'm trying to start my comedy career out here.

And I have these rumors swirling that I'm too tall. That I'm too tall. That I'm stomping around just tall. I'm just trying to find love. Is it still very, uh... You said the L.A. dating scene for lesbians is small. Is it still small? Like, you don't know. You're not in it. I think it is still. Is it still small? Why don't you?

I don't know, you're not in it. I think it is still. I'm still a part of all of these basketball leagues. And everybody dates each other. They know, I was trying to put a team together this last season and another player was like, Mo, you need to ask me who you're putting on the team first because you asked this person

and they were dating this person. They can't be on the same team. So, you know, I do think it's really intertwined, but that's like specifically with like sports and lesbians in LA. That's genuinely very funny. I think I played basketball on that league. Oh my God, I feel like I remember this.

We were the traveling pants. I played for 36 seconds before I had like an asthma attack and coughed for 20 days straight. And Eugene Codero was the coach and he was like, are you okay? And I was like, I don't think so, I think I gotta go. Cause I hadn't ran in years. I don't run.

It's a, it is a lot. It's a lot. It's so much running. Yeah, it's a lot of running. And, but there was a lot, there's a lot. It's so much running. Yeah, it's a lot of running. But there was a lot of scissoring going on. There was a lot going on in those locker rooms. There were no locker rooms. Yeah, I was like, it was a rec center, I think. I didn't see a single locker room.

Although I will say, hot fantasy, but like in practicality, disgusting. Were you gonna scissor on the floor? The floor's dirty. Yeah, I mean, I've definitely had sex on a floor, first time having sex with somebody. In a public place? Well, the door, it was after hours,

but it was at a circus school. Excuse me? That's how I lost my lesbian virginity. I guess I'll call it. At a circus school? My real virginity. My real virginity? Yeah.

So you fucked somebody in a circus school? Yeah, after hours. What does after hours mean? Like in a bar? No, no, no, like the school was shut down. I mean, it's an adult school, but it was like, it was the circus performance space. And she was an instructor and a performer. And I think that we went there to do that for some reason.

I don't know why we were there that late. But I remember being like, I... You know when you're like in the moment and you feel like you're in your own movie, and I'm like, I can't believe that this is how I'm doing it. This is how it's happening. Mm-hmm. How long were you in circus school?

I wasn't in circus school, I was just dating a clown. How long were you in circus school? I wasn't in circus school, I was just dating a clown. Have you ever had sex with somebody for the first time and it was on the floor? Yes. I highly recommend it. Yes, I hooked up with this man who I think lived in a model apartment.

It's the weirdest story. And we started on his bed, but the bed didn't feel like a real bed for you to sleep in, because it felt like a model apartment. He was like, let's get on the floor. And I was like, all right. And that was one of those moments that I was like, I can't believe this is happening at all.

The idea that, like, the floor is going to be a better place to have sex than the bed that's next to you is great. Well, the bed was, like, really creaking. Like, with every move it was like... Raaar! Raaar! It was like not okay. Because I don't think it was meant to be slept in. And there was a dry erase board in his kitchen.

Oh, my God. What about an inflatable bed? I've never had sex on an inflatable bed, but my roommate, when I was in New York, he had to walk through my room to get to her room. It's not a railroad. We just turned, like, you had to walk through my room to get to her room. It's not a railroad. We just turned like this weird dining room into my room. But she was fucking somebody on an inflatable bed

and it had a hole in it. So all you heard was like white noise. Yes, and I'm trying to go to sleep and I was like, this sucks. Oh, this is bad. It was awful. It's so terrible because if you do, if you have to on an inflatable mattress,

at some point you will feel like your tailbone on the ground and you're like, wow, okay. Yeah. We did some work tonight. It's not good, Mo. No, it's not. We should have talked more about dating. Cause we're done.

We're done. Wait, where else have you fucked? Those were very excited. Oh, like, you know, a bathroom of a comedy venue while the show was going on and I was hosting it. Whoa! And I... Time that wrong, a lot of dead air.

Yeah. They're like, where's the host? And I was at the time dressed up as Larry Bird because I do the Larry Bird character sometimes where I dress up like him. So I was straight up hooking up in the bathroom. My 20s, I was really like, I was so fun. I like it, that's fun.

It's like you were in drag, you were hooking up in drag. Yeah, that was fun. I haven't done any, I mean, like the thing is, when you get married, there's really, it's just like, that is, you really have like one place. It's like interior bedroom, your own bedroom. I also feel like, just kind of when you get older, because I was pretty wild for a minute, and then I was like, I just want to partner,

I got to stay inside. Yeah, I can't keep going outside. It's also like, we find our adrenaline, we are comedians, so it's like we get a lot of that adrenaline rush already, and a lot of that is worn off for me as well. So the adrenaline rush of hooking up with somebody in a public place, it's long gone. Yeah, no thank you, don't need it.

I can just do five minutes of stage time and get my place, it's long gone. No, thank you. Don't need it. I can just do five minutes of stage time and get my ha-has and go home. Yeah. Fireplace store. Fireplace store? I'm just gonna keep naming locations to you. Oh! Wha-ha-ha!

A fireplace store? Fireplace store, yeah. That got my high school boyfriend, his family owned fireplace stores. And that's where he brought you to have sex with you? That's right, and it worked. Where else? Fireplace wasn't even on.

Again, it was after hours. You love sneaking into someplace after hours. Love it. Give me two more locations, please. Okay, let's see. Obviously, dorm room. Definitely done the car. Definitely done like, yeah.

Cars are... I've done, like, a lot of cars. I've done cars too, and there's not enough room. There's not. Yeah, it's very uncomfortable. I don't like it. Again, can't do it now. Like, my neck, I wouldn't be able to, like, move my, like, neck or, like, my back would be break out.

Just be like, fucked up. You're like, sorry, I had sex in a car. I'm approaching 62 years old, I'm very old. Wait, give me a wild sexcapade story before we go. I mean, a lot of it was the clown just because she was a clown, right? Did she ever honk honk and then go down on you? Yeah, that's what she said.

Honk honk, that's how I knew she was going. I was like, this is gonna be good. This is gonna be good. Wait, I feel like you're joking, but I would really like that. Well, I mean, I've talked about this in my set that she was like, I never had an orgasm before I met the clown.

And so, yeah, so it was like, I always have this thing where it's like, so like my life is, I met my wife at Lesbole and the first orgasm I ever had was given to me by a clown. And that is the life that I have made for myself. You know, I like it. I once asked my boyfriend to honk my titties and go, honk, honk.

And he just smiled and went, no. So you're like, okay, you just squeeze in, I'll say Hong Kong. Oh, that's a good compromise. Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe I'm gonna do it. He's like, you already, seems like you have an idea of like why the read you want on Hong Kong. That's such a good idea.

Cause maybe he just doesn't want to sound silly. Let me know how it goes. I will. I'm so pleased. Because I love, I love getting my titties honked and hearing honk, honk. And I can just do it. He can honk them and I'll just be like, honk honk.

And then I'll laugh so hard. I mean, it's gonna be a lot of people who'll be like, you promised you're not gonna say honk honk this time. You promised. And then I do it anyway. Mo, we gotta go. Okay, we gotta go.

Would you date me? Of course I would date, oh my God. After hearing my my story You don't think I want somebody that wants me to say honk honk when I squeeze their boobs Like absolutely. Oh I am a catch Do you have anything you want to promote? Just my watch the you know my story about my dad and going to see him after not seeing him for 20 years.

It's called Dad Jokes. It's on Hulu. It's my special. When did it come out? Um, it's come out a few times, but now it's on Hulu. It came out, like, a few weeks ago. Actually, it was kind of during the fire, so that's why I wasn't promoting it. Okay, cut this out. Okay, cut this out. If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it, you can give me five stars.

And if you write me something nasty, you know, why won't you date me? Podcasts at gmail.com. I will read it. This person writes, I'm going to put you in a waffle cone. You know. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Why? I'm gonna put you in a waffle cone feet first.

Then I'll drizzle you with chocolate fuzz and top you off with whipped cream and a nice cherry on top. How come there's no ice cream? Maybe some sprinkles if you're feeling extra frisky. Then I'll lick you up and down and say, mmm, let me some double chocolate sundae. There's no ice cream.

Wait! This person just wants to lick, like, whipped cream off of me. Then why am I in the cone? These are your fans. These are my fans. You did this. I did do this. I asked for this.

Bye. Bye. Bye. You've been listening to Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. This show is produced and edited by Mars with executive producer Anya Kenovskaya. It's engineered by Casey Donahue with guest research by Lindsay Kempf. Our VP of content at Headgum is Katie Moose and our theme music is arranged by Mike Kamate.

Ah, thanks for listening! We'll be back next week with a brand new episode. See you then Okay. Bye. Bye That was a head gum podcast Hi, I'm Caleb Herron host of the so true podcast now on head gum every week Me and my guests get into it and we get down to what's really going on. I ask them what's so true to them, how they got to where they are in life, a bunch of other questions and we also may or may not test their general trivia knowledge. Whether it's one of my sworn enemies like Brittany Broski or Drew Fualow or my actual

biological mother, Kelly, my guests and I are just after the truth. And if we find it great and if not, no worries. So subscribe to So True on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts and watch video episodes on the So True with Caleb Heron YouTube channel. New episodes drop every Thursday. Love ya!