Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Putting Faith in your Love Life (w/ Liza Treyger)

Episode Date: March 8, 2019

"Go out into the world with confidence, not desperation."Can crystals and candles help with your love life? Liza Treyger (stand-up, Horace and Pete) joins Nicole to discuss their benefits or lack thereof. They also talk how their religious and spiritual beliefs that help to shape their relationships, in addition to make-up and wardrobe issues, the Fyre Festival documentaries, and how boring people suck.You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? It's a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how to fuck I'm still single. Even though I will lick your balls, tickle your taint, and giggle at your bad jokes. My guest today, you've seen her Comedy Central half hour, you've seen her half hour on Netflix, part of the Degenerate series. It's Lisa Trager!

Yay! Thank you. I'm so happy to be here. Thank you so much for doing this, for taking time out of your Saturday. Is it Saturday? I don't know. Yeah, no, you're right, you're right, you're right. It is? Yes? Yeah. Wait, what is this tattoo?

Is that a peppermint? It is. It's probably one of the more annoying ones I've gotten. I got it in Austin with Ali Sadiq in the middle of the night at 2.30 on 420. If you can hear rustling, it is a dog named Cowboy fucking the carpet. Yeah, he's going nuts. He is going to town on the carpet. Yeah, he's going nuts. He's going to town on this carpet. I was with my friends yesterday and their weenie dog was full. He took his lipstick out and he was in love with me.

And it was gross, but also kind of cute. I didn't hate it. I think dog lipsticks are very gross. They're one of the most sickest things. It makes me so uncomfortable. It's so weird. It comes out and you're like, it's so, every time I see one, I'm like, how is it this red? It's violent. How it's too much. It's aggressive. Like imagine if men had little lipsticks that popped out when they liked you. I've seen at the airport stores that I like,

they're bottles of champagne and lipstick containers, Giant lipsticks. Moet. Is that how you say it? I think it's Moet. Yeah, but it's like a big lipstick container. And I just hope one day I need to buy it. Like I'm going straight to a party or something. I love that you're like, one day I'll need to buy Moet at the airport. And I can't wait for that day. Yeah.

One day it's going to happen. You travel a lot. I bought luggage at an airport. I just took it out of the old, put it in the new, and it felt awesome. What was wrong with your old luggage?

The handle part was, it was getting stuck for a while, and then it just got to the point where it wasn't fun anymore. I had luggage that I wore to the ground.

The wheels split. It was very loud rolling around. You could hear me coming from like 10 gates away. And then I finally was like, you can afford a $30 fucking suitcase. Go to Ross and buy one. What? You're fine with the Ross.

I love my Ross dress for this leopard print suitcase. Now that I have a better one, it's so smooth. What kind of suitcase do you have? I got a Tumi at JFK. A hard shell Tumi? No, I hate hard shell. That's too much. I like a soft bag. I like a soft bag too because I'm like, you can mush a soft bag into an overhead. You cannot mush a hard bag into the overhead. It's just unappealing to me in every single way. They're very ugly. A lot of people recommended it. I do like that you could put things on both sides of it.

I understand that, I guess, appeal, but it's not for me. It's not for me either. I'm glad we agree on suitcases. Maybe a big one. Is it boring? I do talk about my miles and stuff a lot, like more than I think is appropriate. How many miles do you have? I don't have that many.

I had like 190,000. Okay. But I just got my girl tickets to Vegas. Who did you buy a ticket to to go to Vegas? What girl? Lil Frex. Who's Lil Frex? Lil Freckles. You never met her? No. Her name's Emma. She's a rapper. Oh. And she's a friend. I actually

met her at one of Sashir's shows years ago at Union Hall. And me and Sabrina saw her and we're like, you've got to be our friend. So you just made her your friend. Yeah, that's what I did with Sabrina. She tried to not be my friend for a while. But now you're like best year friends.

Yeah, I forced myself in there. Best decision I ever made. I also love shoehorning myself into people's lives being like, you will hang out with me and you're going to like it. Yeah, I know I come on too strong, but just you got to trust it. Are you single right now?

I'm very single. I'm looking for love. I'm like a Charlotte York this year. I'm like 2019 is the year I find love and I'm really trying. And what are these? What are you? How are you trying? Tell me about it. I'm not doing enough, but I'm open. I'm out there. I'm on the apps. Okay. Which apps are you on? Raya and hinge okay um i'm just trying to be more open as i look around and hopefully go for it and not be so shy have you gone out with anyone from raya no i have not and i have not had a hookup or anything in a year a year yeah wow so it's like kind of a bummer is this self-imposed no Because I know that you had a threesome after a show because you've talked about it on stage. Well, that forced it.

But yeah, I did. And that was last time. It was a year ago. Yeah, but two separate things. But the one that was exactly a year ago was a couple in Scottsdale. And it's been no one since then. Oh, no. Are you still in contact with the couple?

No, not at all. I'm in contact with my ex stupidly, but that's it. Okay. A little texty texts. But your ex lives not here. Across the pond. Okay. So you're not, so you're on the apps, but you're, are you like reaching out to people

or are you waiting for people to come to you? I have a date in February when I get back to New York. Oh, okay. Yeah. And not just like, yeah. That would be embarrassing. So funny to schedule a date a month out. Yeah, I'm just like, I'm out until then if you want to meet up when I'm back.

That's an exciting prospect. Yeah, not my type, but I think I just have to go out there. Okay. And see if I can broaden my horizons. What do you keep saying? What do you mean broaden your horizons? Like she has long hair. Okay.

In my brain, I think I want short hair. Okay, fair. But you can't just judge people on hair like that. So are you exclusively dating the women's or are you bouncing back and forth? If I find a dude that's great, I'll be open to it. I'd be disappointed. But I could see that happening. But I'm looking on the apps.

It's girls. Okay. Cool. I'm looking for a girlfriend. Great. A quick marriage would be perfect. A quick marriage? I would love to be married.

Then you need to get on like a foreign app where you can meet somebody who is foreign, who wants to come to america and then you can apply for a k-90 visa you have 90 days to get married and they can stay in the country and that's your quick marriage yeah but i want to connect i don't want a fake marriage okay i want a real real connection marriage yeah i get it. Forever. Forever and ever. Yeah. See, I'm not looking for forever. I'm just looking for, like, a nice little chunk of time with somebody. That's it. So, okay, your type is short hair.

Can you fake it? What? Like, when people talk about dating, they're like, I don't know, but I'll give him another shot. Or we grew into these feelings. Like, that's so foreign to me. To me, I just want to it's like oh we're in love I try like I'll meet somebody and be like I don't know about them I'm gonna go out with them again to see what happens kind of like when you eat food for the

first like a thing that you just tried you're like what is this and you put in your mouth you're like I don't know if I like it so you eat more of it you're like I still don't really know and then it's done and you're like well I don't know that's my approach to dating I'll just keep dating you until maybe I figure something out no I can't fake it I'm not a fake it till you make it no no do you fall in love super hard yeah yeah like both of my relationships have been like make out well the first time it was like we were friends but but we made out. But he was dating someone. So we made out one more time.

And I was like, I'm like, I'm leaving town for a week. So when I come back, you should be single. Or if not, we're not going to be together. And he was. And then we were immediately dating. And then with my other ex, we hooked up. And then I had to fly away. But immediately we started texting.

And then two days later, I bought plane tickets to go see her. And then we were just texting and talking every day until we hung out again. So, yeah, immediate, quick. I like your efficientness. Efficiency? Yeah. Efficientness? I don't know if that's a word.

But I like that you're very efficient. You're like, when I come back, you'll be single or this is done. I love that. Yeah, I had to do it. Because I don't want to be like a full when I come back, you'll be single or this is done. I love that. Yeah, I had to do it because I don't want to be like a full on other girl. You know, that's not my vibe. And then how long did that relationship last? I would say like a little over a year and a half. OK. And then your last ex, how long did that last? Only six months. But truly, then I was depressed longer than we were even together.

And it was long distance. So we were actually only like face to face for maybe five weeks total. Okay. So, I mean, my therapist let me know that I obviously it's more than just her. Like a lot of other things came up. Mm-hmm. I mean, that'll happen in a relationship. It'll trigger something else that you didn't realize that you had unresolved. It'll trigger something else that you didn't realize that you had unresolved.

I didn't know until I talked ad nauseum about relationships with my therapist that I've got a bunch of daddy issues. Yeah. I mean, we all have parent issues in every way. It's hard for no matter what. Have you seen the movie Spanglish? No. So it's one of my favorites. Adam Sandler, Taya Leone, and Cloris Leachman's in it.

And then I forgot her last name. Whatever. So it's the housekeeper and the grandma. And the grandma says to her, she goes, you live for your children. I lived for myself. And they're both mad at us. So it doesn't matter. And that I thought was poignant where it's like no matter what great things your parents did,

whatever their issues are are going to be brought down to you. Hard to escape them. Yeah, and I guess that's why I'm not going to ever have kids. I'm not having kids either. I don't want them. I don't want to be responsible for someone's trauma. No. Also, they're a drain on your economics.

They take all your money. Not only your time. Yes. Your energy. Yes. Yeah, it's not what I want. Yes, I'm not here for children. No, but I'm not someone that hates kids.

I do enjoy the children in my life. I just don't want one. I tend to say I hate kids. I don't like them. There's two that I like. My friend who lives in Portland, her kid and her stepkid, they're great because they know me and they know that when they start being very annoying, I will be like, you have to stop it. And they will. They're very well behaved.

And I think that's why I like them. Yeah, I was a backup nanny for years and a babysitter. A backup nanny? Yeah, I was like with an agency. What is a backup nanny? College nannies and tutors, what's up? Worked in an agency and it's backup care. So if it's like Martin Luther King Day or your kid's too sick to go to daycare or a parent is working and the schedule changed, winter break, the nanny called off. You know, stuff like that.

So you would go in and fill in. And then a lot of the places, there are employers paid for my services. Are you going to ever move to L.A.? I would never come here single. Oh, interesting. Yeah. Why?

I just, that's not what I want. If I'm here, I want a home and some dogs and like a full thing. I don't want to do it alone. And I'm not done with New York. I like New York for a long time, I want a home and some dogs and a full thing. I don't want to do it alone. And I'm not done with New York. I like New York for a long time, I think. I miss New York. Yeah.

It's weirder, but I also haven't been driving. I think once you have your own car and run around, it's fine. But I've been Ubering everywhere, and it is kind of a weird existence. But you've been bringing the dog in the Uber? I have been, yeah. Do Uber drivers go, no dog here? Then they can leave, and I'll call another one.

Fair? Yeah. I'm okay. I understand if they don't want it, but I think a lot of them are desperate for work, so they're gonna allow it. They're gonna allow it. Okay, so wait. Have you met up with anybody from apps yet or no? Not

in the... Look, that couple was the last thing no I'm I'm on them but I just am not finding what I'm looking for okay uh and you said you're like like opening your horizons you're going on a date I just have to work on myself because I just shut down when I have I do have a crush on someone I bought some communicate communicate crystals while I've been here to help me. How very LA of you. I go to House of Intuition every time I'm in LA. I love it. People fucking love that place.

I love it. I bought some candles that they were to spark creativity and romance. Yeah. Neither one happened. I like them. That little candle burned without me writing a single new joke and didn't get into a relationship so fuck those candles

I have like 15 of those candles can't get enough I did finally get my first diptyque candles what the fuck is that they're expensive they're rich people candles but what are they I don't know how to answer that

the brand is Diptyque They have different ones, rose They have a classic, lavender I thought it was like a special type of candle What is it called? Diptyque? Diptyque is the brand Oh see I thought maybe the candle was like Dipped in teak

Oh I get it You're like I don't know how to answer your question It's a fucking candle Yeah they're just really pricey. They're like $80. That's so much for something you're just going to burn. It lasts so long. And the smell, after you blow out the candle, the smell is like for hours.

It lasts after you blow out the candle. And where did you get this from? The House of Intuition? From Diptyque. Oh. But House of Intuition, I have the creativity, house blessing, gratitude, purify. Yeah. There's got to be more.

Do you think crystals and shit help you? I like them. This one has. I've had some good communication this week. But it could be just a placebo. I don't know. But I enjoy buying the crystals. I like having them around.

Yeah, I like it. I have crystals in my house, but I guess I don't believe in them enough for them to work, maybe? Yeah, I just believe in all the hocus pocus. I do. I make wishes at 11-11. Do you? Always. Yeah, I see it all the time.

And when I don't see it, I begin to worry and kind of question what I'm doing. When I see 11-11 a lot, I feel like I'm on the right path, doing the right things, following my instincts. You just mean on a clock, not just 11-11 in the world? Yeah, clock. Okay. Sometimes I still make a wish at 11-11

if I happen to catch 11-11. Why not? I love making wishes. Same. I'll throw a coin in any fountain. Even if there are no other coins hanging out. I'll still do it. So you're just at fountains, throwing change in there, making wishes.

Yeah. I, at night, make a lot of wishes. I pray only when I want things. Yes. Which is, I don't think the way prayers are supposed to work. Why else would you be praying? I don't know. I grew up, did you grow up going to church or no?

No. So I grew up going to church. And, like, in church, they're like, you have to thank God. You thank him for everything. Because he's angry. He's a jealous God. You gotta, which is, like, kind of crazy. So, like, if I ever pray, I pray i'm like okay like um thank you for

like all the good stuff but like uh can i have this please uh uh thanks god okay bye-bye i don't know how to pray well i don't think i do it right but then maybe there are no rules i don't know i usually i like if things are going wild it's's when it's like, oh, please, please, please. Yeah, for sure. How often are you approached to fuck after your shows? Not enough. Really not enough. Do you put it out there when you're on stage?

I feel like you do. I don't think, I don't know. I don't think I put out. Lil Frex actually has told me, she's like, I don't think you're putting out the energy you think you're putting out. So, and then she also gave me really good advice that's been, you know, hard to follow, but that you have to go, you have to stop thinking about what you want in another person and start thinking about what you bring to the table. So then you go out into the world with confidence and not desperation.

Okay. What do you think you bring to the table? Have you done the exercise? I have. I've tried to. It's pretty difficult, but I think I'm a good time. Okay. I think I like adventure, like going out to restaurants.

A real adventure. Sitting down at a table and ordering food. I'm like down for a good time. I think I'm generous. And like a caregiver type. Okay. I think that's it. And you're funny. Yeah. You're gorgeous. You have

style. You may not think you're communicative but I think you are very communicative. I shut down when it's crushes. Oh yes yes, yes. Like, even with my ex, my friend, I was like, I keep flirting and she won't understand. And my friend goes, you're not flirting.

You just keep bringing her water. I was just bringing, I was just hydrating her. And, like, doing what she said at one point before I confessed I liked her. She was like, you should fuck this other guy. And I did it. It was weird. Okay. I, like, helped her clean her room like I was

just being creepy like I uh I don't know how to be like you're hot let's do it well there's this other girl I have a crush on but my text it's just like I'm passive-aggressive and weird and I get so nervous and I'm not really myself so self-conscious need to tell people that you like them and then if they don't like you it's then time to move on i know right i mean honestly right now it's the blind leading the blind having me give you any advice but when it's strangers i think it's different that's why i'm vacation i think i am more loose and quick with my confidence but if you have mutual friends and stuff it's hard because then you're rejected within the group and then they might tell a mutual friend and the mutual friend is like heard what happened yeah owie owie yeah yeah that sucks uh do you get fucked after shows no never yeah it's

never ever ever i feel like it happens for dudes. And mediocre dudes. Fine, if you're the funniest, funny, cool guy, all right, you're not that hot, but you're cool. But I'm telling you, trash heaps. Like, not funny and bald. Not funny and bald. And doesn't dress well and not even that successful. That's what makes me mad. Yeah, I was touring with somebody who every night some woman, multiple women would throw themselves at him.

He could truly fuck anybody he wanted. And he was like, I don't know. I don't really like anybody here. And I was like, must be so nice. And he's always in a relationship. I mean, he is a cutie. I'm talking about Adam Neumann. I'll just talk about it.

Adam Neumann is not that cute. He's adorable. I think he's a sweet little boy. He'll just talk about it. Adam Neumann is not that cute. He's adorable. No. I think he's a sweet little boy. He's not a hottie. Women just love him. He's always with a hot babe. Always.

Always with successful hot babes. Yes. And living with them always quickly. Oh, is he? I think he's in love. Isn't he with like someone serious for a while now? Uh-uh. They broke up.

He's single right now. Okay. Last time I hung out with him, he was with a cool actress. Mm-hmm. Broadway style. No more. Okay. We have to take a break.

Because we're talking shit? No. Because that's an ad. An ad will go in there. Oh, cool. And I just, I time it so that we're at 20. So that's it. And now we're back.

Oh, okay, cool. Yeah, I'll do my ad reads later and then they get inserted. And now you know the ins and outs of podcasting. I'm glad you don't do the ads because I go on podcasts where the ads are read in front of me and it's one of my least favorite things. That's the most insane thing. I would never make someone... Two. I'm thinking of two people. One, it's live so that

I'm okay with but the other one is not. Well, the one that's not live, truly. Goddamn nonsense. Do that later. Don't make someone sit through your quip ad. Is it quip? Do you have a quip ad is it quip do you have a quip I do and I love my quip

yeah I have to start flossing that's where my problems lie all self care I'm not good at it I floss intermittently some days I'll floss some days I don't I think if you're doing at least twice a week

you're doing good I think so that's a at least twice a week, you're doing good. Oh, okay. Thank you. I think so. That's a lot of effort. It is a lot of effort. I have one friend. She's constantly taking off her makeup, flossing, hydrating. I don't know how to get it. I don't get it either.

So she is always hydrated. She even carries around a fucking refillable bottle. And then she always has her makeup taken. It's crazy. The way she lives is insane. They're in mexico i know a lot of our friends i know the couple brigade yep and i was like so uh what's gonna happen you're gonna start a fucking couple fiesta down there and live in mexico and the wall

will come up you can't come back and she didn't like that she was but i like, it must be a real nice treat to go somewhere with a bunch of other couples. Yeah, I was honestly very happy being single for a really long time because I don't think I really liked my boy ex. But with this relationship I finally got a taste of what I wanted and now I do feel very

Bridget Jones. Like I've hit the real deal cliche 31 attitude. You're 31? I am. Wow. Old or young? Young. Yeah. Younger than me. I feel good about it. 30 was fun. Now 31, I'm like, oh, everyone's in love and I am alone. It is very hard. And I have no roommates. I think that was like very jargony. Wait, you live alone? I live alone. Oh, my God. Since July. Do you like it?

I love it. I do love it. But, you know, it is, you're alone. But I like it. I couldn't do that. I feel like I would just start talking to myself and answering myself. I do. And then I would have no one to show off my new outfits to.

No, you have a fun-ass roommate, for sure. Yeah, I like John. He's great. He's's also in a relationship so i get to see that do you like his dude hello oh his boyfriend's such a sweetheart he's real sweet i like him they seem to have like a nice healthy fun relationship where they communicate a lot and i'm like this this adult relationship is aspirational yeah I want I want equal part but a lot of my friends are not in even relationships I would want and I'm still wanting it like that's what's shocking it's like I see all the nightmares too I think you just want what you want partnership do you get facials? No. Should I start getting facials? Yeah, you're rich, girl. What are you doing? I'm not rich.

I'm doing okay. Come on. You have so many TV shows. Nailed it Christmas. Nailed it Christmas. Stream those episodes on Netflix. One of my good friends, Julia, has a podcast about motherhood

as a choice. We were talking because her friends with kids are obsessed with you. And she always thinks it's so funny that you hate kids and how many kids are obsessed. It's very annoying. They love it. You've become like a family favorite. It's weird. A lot of comics after Christmas were like, family were, we were just arguing a bunch.

And the only thing we could agree on was watching Nailed It. I was like, oh, I'm bringing families together. Yeah. I feel like Dumplin' brought a lot of families together for Christmas too. That's what we watched. I didn't watch Dumplin' specifically because of the scene that I saw on Instagram where he was like, I find you beautiful. And she was like, what? You mean me?

No, you couldn't possibly. And I was like, I am done with fat women. But she's a teen. I do not care. Show me a fat little nasty ass teen who's like, yeah, you ain't shit. I'm the shit. Give that to me.

I am tired of the narrative that every fat girl you see does not think she's worthy of love not once have I ever started to fuck a dude and be like are you sure you want to what if your dick gets lost in my role you couldn't possibly want this it's never happened

I like that we transported to the 20s for a second hey mister put your dick in my belly button. I get annoyed for sure with auditions that I get where it's just like, I want to fuck him and eat that and take my break. I don't want to work. Every single fucking, there's always a line of like, I might not be beautiful, but I deserve this job. And it's like, why do we even have to say it?

Just let us live. Let us live. Let fatties live. Some fat people don't even know they're fat. Because they live in a little town where everybody's fat. And they're like, I don't know. This is where we're normal. Yeah, but we don't want that.

I don't want to live off the side of a highway. You don't? No, I can't. Did you watch on Netflix The Seven Days Out? No, what's that? It's a show where it's a bunch of events and they go through the seven days leading up to the event. So it's a Chanel hot couture fashion show, the Westminster dog show, Kentucky Derby. One was about video game competitions,

and the dude made it to the finals, and then his brother stabbed his mom in dead to death before the finals. Well, that's really fucked up, because how do you concentrate? The team was all behind him. I mean, it was really... Did he win? He won.

Good. The team won. He fought through the pain and the tragedy. Yeah. And he won. How crazy. Well, I liked the dog and the tragedy. Yeah. And he won. How crazy. Well, I liked the dog one the best, honestly. It was so, because I thought I'd like Chanel the best.

But the dogs are so goofy and the people are goofy. And I want to go next year. You should go. They were such cute pups. Maybe you'll find. It's not as gross as I thought it was. Why would you think it was gross? Just, you know, breeding the dogs.

Like that's rude or whatever. But they really love these dogs. And I understand the passion. And the judge for the best in show is just one woman. And I love that. Oh, that's great. It's just like whatever she likes. One powerful bitch judging other bitches.

Yeah, it's perfect. She goes, just I'm looking for a dog with a little something special that tells the world, look at me. I love it. Although the video game, he's a video gamer who's brother's step? Yeah, so the game, it's like five on five. So it's his team and Rick Fox was

the coach for an owner of one of the teams. What? Yeah, he actually is, I think, a good father. Basically, he was saying how his son hated sports and loved video games. And he's like, instead of telling my kid to stop, he decided to get involved with video games. That's a good daddy. Yeah. That's a great daddy.

And he is a daddy. He is such a daddy. Baby. Yeah, he's a hottie, and he's gotten hot chicks throughout the years. Mm-hmm. Have you seen, I guess we're just going to talk about things we've watched. Have you seen the Fyre Festival documentary? I watched both, Hulu and Netflix.

I haven't watched the Netflix one yet, but what a funny thing. It is. I mean, con people. Damn. I've never laughed harder than when people were getting information during their confessionals. They're like, he did what? Why would he do that? Oh, I love that.

No, watch the Netflix one, too. It's really never enough. And I wish, you know, Amazon did one, too. I hope every streaming service does a Fyre Festival documentary. What Netflix has that Hulu doesn't is the employees that work with them and a lot of... Oh. And the guests, more guests talking about it.

Oh, what a treat. Honestly, I don't think I've laughed harder. I loved when everyone's like, they wanted to do this in six months, but this is going to take 18 months to pull off. And then he picked an island where there was nothing there. No infrastructure, nothing.

Not only that, it was the weekend of the biggest event in the Bahamas. Yes, it's bigger than Christmas. So, I mean, this is a lunatic. And, yeah, so a lot of the workers in the Netflix one were saying that he took lines of credit. So all of them have, like, hundreds of thousands of dollars on their personal credit cards that they owe now. But they do feel guilt and complicity with being there. I mean, you are complicit when your boss is running scams.

Yeah. And like, put money on your bracelet. Yes. That's when I would back out. Yeah. I'd be like, no, thank you. Well, I wouldn't have the money to go on that. I wouldn't go.

Even if I had the money, I'm not spending $22,000 to camp. That's essentially what he was asking people to do. To glamp or whatever

with the villas that never came to fruition or whatever. It's like, you can rent a villa in the Bahamas for very cheap.

They want the celeb. Well, also this Netflix one talks about how in Russia there's a service and a company, and they're very successful, where you go on a private jet to just take photos, but it never leaves the airport or the ground. Oh. You just take photos on the private jet. I mean, yeah, I can see why that's successful. But this man was like, let's take planes and jets to

the bahamas also i can't believe that he got a girlfriend after the whole fire festival debacle and she's gorgeous yeah and at one point she's like i have to take this call it's billy calling Billy calling from jail. I was like, lady, like, wake the fuck up. You can date a non-sociopath person who's not in jail. Yeah, jail, people get fucked in jail. It's crazy. Yeah, I mean, maybe if I go to jail, somebody will write me a letter and want to date me. They all have issues in their heads, you know, from their parents.

So maybe I'll do that. Make some love prison people. I'm going to murder somebody so I can go to jail. So then some man, no, it doesn't, I don't think it works for women. No, nothing works for women. No, not at all. No, because dudes don't see character. They truly don't.

I guess not. And I've thought about dimming my light, but I can't do it. I think Carrie Bradshaw says in like an episode of Sex and the City that like. Wild horses can't be tamed. Yes. Yeah, she can't be tamed. She can't be tamed? But she did.

But she got tamed by a big. I mean the man who left her at the altar who left her at the altar who was dating who cheated on his wife with her who made her cheat on aiden it's they were in a toxic fucking relationship yeah i mean in the book they don't end up together it's just like we couldn't get enough of big no but the viewers loved big i mean i did love big but like big wasn't good for her and then the first movie when they were getting married i was like this is bad for business she can't marry him he's bad she should have stayed blaming herself and it's like yeah you wanted a fun wedding why is that bad yeah you wanted a fun wedding you

wanted to wear a bird on your head. You wanted to look stunning. You put your bridesmaids, you only have three, in different dresses. Honestly, Carrie, why don't you have more friends? No, when you're that old, it's usually a small group. Three? Besties? Three bridesmaids? I have ten bridesmaids in my head.

No, you're not. Yes. I wrote them all down. I have 10. You don't have 10 bridesmaids? I would have none or one or something. Who would be your one bridesmaid? Probably Julia. I would have to leave my sister out.

That'd be weird. But yeah. Oh, wait. Shit. I guess I have 11 if I have to put my sister in. I mean, I do. I have lots of friends that I do like, but I would rather in my brain have just a tiny wedding with just those core people.

Or, I mean, I always talk about weddings, planned weddings. Like, I love weddings. I have tons of dresses planned, you know, food. I would love to have an after party at a diner I rented out so people could get pancakes, open bar to keep the party going. But I envision just me and one person going somewhere and leaving everyone out of it. So eloping and then having a party? I don't even know if I'm just like humiliated by having a wedding in front of people.

Like that would embarrass me, I think. Being so sincere in front of just like cousins I don't know like that doesn't appeal to me I'm I don't want a wedding per se but like the idea of a wedding sounds like fun you get to wear a big fun dress that you're only gonna wear once you get your hair done I mean I'd probably do my own makeup. You get all your friends together. You say a couple lovey-dovey things. Do you always do your own makeup? Yes. For everything?

For the most part. Wow. It depends. Like, acting jobs, I do a base. So I'll do my own foundation. And then I let them do whatever else they want to do because they might want a more natural look. And the way I do my makeup isn't natural I wear big old lashes lots of liner and a heavy contour but like I worry

that people won't have my color foundation so I'd rather just do that so nobody has to worry okay that's like my favorite part of doing anything is getting my hair and makeup done. I like getting my hair done. I don't love getting my makeup done because people can really make me look like a fucking dead person. No, I've had some really bad experiences, and you learn from each of them. And even with hair, like you have to stand up for yourself in the moments you don't. You end up regretting it. Like, so, yes, I have specific moments that make me really upset but I do like when I like my girl I've I try to bring

her as much as I can who did your makeup for both your specials was it the same person no and both of them I had problems oh did you and I don't I'm not a wallflower, so I talk to production. I complain afterwards to the execs, and no one ever listens to me. But, yeah, it's just like you're bringing in everyone that's the best of the best. You wouldn't skimp on a cinematographer or a director or the PA. Why are you sending me a 21-year-old who just has wedding experience? Why is she giving me a frosted lip when I ask for a nude lip? And why isn't she a good enough artist to let me know

that nude lips aren't good for television? You know, it's just like, you get me uneducated trash and it's bullshit. And they never really change anything. But for the Netflix one, I hated my dude. I hated my hair and makeup. When I got the proofs of the photos i cried oh no he um he did a terrible job and i have great hair and it was annoying

and you saw contour line it really bothered me um and i don't get it because i like but it's my because for the pre-tape i liked the girls and the guy's like i'm gonna do you on tuesday and i should have said no i'm not gonna do They're going to come back, or you do it now, and I didn't, and he wasted all this time. He didn't finish me until 7.20 something, and I was supposed to start taping at 7.30. And I was on set in the trailer for hours doing nothing, and so it was just like, I had rollers in my hair, and he didn't blow dry it straight before putting in the rollers. I mean, I just, I remember, this is like more wardrobe, but my jumpsuit for my Comedy Central one got a deodorant stain and the wardrobe person they hired was like, oh, do you want

me to put water on it? And it's like, what the fuck? Like, thank God I have Shauna and I know what to do because of her. But like, fuck you for giving me this trash on set when I'm supposed to be chill. And it pisses me off. The wardrobe for Netflix sucked too. She put my skirt on fully backwards and I was like, it's backwards. And she said, no, it's not.

The first set, my shirt was like falling and it's like, we taped it for the second one. But if you were a good enough stylist, my sleeves would have been taped. And I, yeah, it's a big pet peeve of mine when I do not get what I want. That's why I just do it myself. Yeah, I don't know why I ask. I just don't have the skills to. I guess that's it. I mean, it took a very long time.

I usually try to request my people. And sometimes the reason I didn't for this half hour was because Janelle liked her people for her 15. And I was like, oh, okay, cool. But it's different production companies yeah so that was a rookie mistake on my part yeah I just uh for my special did my did my own makeup and then for the promos I met the artist who was going to be doing me the night of the girl didn't have a color dark enough for me so she was like I'm going to contour you a little bit more and then brought out a light and and shade palette that's Kat Von D that doesn't,

I cannot use it. There is no contour color for me in it. And then she was just like brushing me and she was like, yeah, that's really doing it. And I was like, what are you doing? What? And then I did like my own hair and he was like, oh, I guess, yeah, this is good.

And I was like, I mean, you could curl it more if you like I just I just do it myself because I'm I'm just tired of arguing with people or being like yeah I just said this bad to someone and they liked it but I was like it's exhausting being a bitch yeah it's tiring to constantly uh have to say stuff and sometimes you're just like whatever and those are always the times when I get disappointed because I did not follow my heart It's tiring to constantly have to say stuff, and sometimes you're just like, whatever. And those are always the times when I get disappointed because I did not follow my heart. But it's tiring to always argue and always stand up for stuff and always not get what you want. It's really annoying. This wardrobe person wanted me to put my pleated skirt inside of pants that I was going to rip off.

And it was like, I'm not squishing my skirt. What are you talking about? Yeah, just lunatics. True lunatics. I hated the photographer for my album. I'm so glad I hired my own hair, makeup, and wardrobe person. I like, what is the album? Are you holding a necklace?

Yeah, it says Glitter Cheese. Yeah, Shauna got it made for me in Compton. So it's like legit. Very cute. I think you look good. I loved it. But I had to fight with him. He was just like, he was an idiot.

And then he turned in the photos late and I didn't like him. He goes, well, they're due today. I go, that's not my problem. You didn't get me my shit in time. So proof. My tits are uneven. Make a photo with my tits even. I mean, he was to the point where hair and makeup was like, oh, I'm going to touch her up.

And he went, oh, we're just going to take a photo of her tits. We don't need that. And I go, you thought the cover of my first album for my poor parents was going to be my tits, you lunatic. Wait, just your tits? That's what he wanted? Oh, yeah. If I didn't have my own wardrobe. Like, he didn't have air conditioning. He didn't have a clothing rack in his studio.

Like, it's like comedy is totally made for dudes in this way where, like, these people don't even think about it. They don't even fathom that you should have a fucking photographer with a clothing rack. Oh, boy. It's weird. It's just like, you know, I care. I want to look cool. So your last relationship was with a comic, yes? Both of them.

Oh, both of them. Both of my exes are comics. Oh. I'm dying to know. But my therapist, well, one of them is in the Comedians of the World. Well, I know that one. Oh, okay. Oh, you wouldn't know the other one, I don't think.

My therapist is like witchy, so we did some tarot card things last time I saw her. And we picked one. She goes, who is Lisa going to meet for a romantic partner? And she gave me some predictions. So we'll see. The card was consciousness, which is cool. But she sees someone that has worked on themselves and knows who they are, grounded, chill. Not serious, but more like calm

okay and will ground me um and I'll be the light in their life but I told her I don't want like some serious loser that can't talk to people at a party you know and she's like no they're like good but they um they they're just more grounded and relaxed and they um. And she sensed a lot of masculine energy. And she said they could be creative. Because I was like, I don't want to be with someone that's not creative. And she said they could be creative. I also don't want to be with someone who's not creative. I want someone who uses that part of their brain.

Because otherwise it's like, you're truly not going to get me. Yeah, yeah. it's really tough I mean I'm sure people are able to do it but I can't imagine relating well I guess you can be passionate about your lawyer job or whatever but I guess I just passion I want someone to be like so passionate about what they do that it is important to them and they love it. I think that's a good word to use when looking for a significant other. Passionate. Because I want you to be passionate about what you do and about me. And all the things you like.

I want you to want to go to a concert or an art museum or have peers that you look up to. Just kind of be into your life. I remember one dude did hit on me at a bar, and all the people that I knew at the bar were like, why wouldn't you leave? Like, he was so hot. And it's like he had nothing. He brought nothing to the table.

There was just like he didn't really care for his job. He didn't have a hobby. It was just like. You didn't have a hobby. He just wanted to smoke weed. Like, I didn't really get anything out of him. And it's like, I don't want to fuck someone that has nothing going on. Same. Like, cook something for me

or like do you have a cool movie suggestion I don't know I don't want to be with someone that's boring I guess no one does no one thinks they're boring no one thinks they're actually boring until you're like you're boring did you know yeah I kept getting hit on

one night I got hit on like three times and couldn't figure out if I was actually being hit on until I'd like go back to the table and I'd be like this happened and they were like my friends were like yeah he hit on you and I was like oh wait should I go back and they're like no it's done then I went to go get another round and this other guy was talking to me and I went back and I was like okay so he said this and like yeah he was hitting on you and I was like well rats and then the third dude he was like wasted and was very funny and he was like definitely hitting on me but like in the most insane way at one point he was like I want to take you to a hotel you're gonna be dressed in white your whole family will be there and I was

like my immediate family he's like nah your aunts and uncles duh and I'm gonna bring you into this room and then there's gonna be rose petals and then I'm gonna put them all over my body and he's like did you see what I did there and I was like no man I have no idea what you're ever saying right now well you didn't pick that one did you I did I loved him and then because he was a fun time and then we texting, and then we haven't gone out. So I don't know. I think maybe he doesn't have his life together, and I should pick a different one. No, I totally would never believe someone likes me.

I would be like, oh, really? They were hitting on me? Crazy. Just like the initial hitting on thing, I'm like, what? Me? Yeah. But I'm wearing glasses, and I look bad today. But like once I like go on a date with someone, I'm like, there's no reason why you shouldn't like me.

I'm a fucking fun time. Yeah. I don't know. Lisa, do you have anything you want to promote? Oh, wait. No, I have to ask you this because I ask everybody. Would you ever date me? No, I'd have to compete for attention with you it'd be hard

we both want attention too much it'd be uncomfortable and then you're gonna get it and I would have to shrink no this is this is devastating to hear why I don't I do think we would compete for attention but I don't think I would automatically win I think you would win you're much funnier than me and I really hate following you at shows. You tucker out audiences. You, I don't know. It would be hard for us, I think.

We would both need too much. I agree. We would be very needy people together being like, you're not giving me what I need. You're not giving me. And I think we would also just encourage each other to do bad, destructive things. Yeah, that sounds about right.

We would just get high. And just stay inside and be like, we'll never go outside again. Yeah, that's exactly it. I'll drink a bottle of wine. But you know, you did inspire me. I didn't, after your photo shoot, I only, like, I only want to wear Calvin Klein underwear now. They're very comfy cozy. They're the best.

I didn't think they were for me. After I saw them, I ordered a bunch. And now that I have to wear other underwear sometimes, I'm like, ugh. Same. I get that way too. I'm like, I really like these. These are very comfy. And then that little bra, I don't have titties, so it works really well for me.

Yeah, I wear it once in a while. But I just love it. It's totally not just a brand name thing they're like better underwear they're good underwear they hold their shape I like the band the band keeps them up sometimes my underwear slips and slides yeah but also sometimes I don't buy them in the right size I have a bunch of Hello Kitty underwears that are two sizes too big. And if I ever sleep in them, they like get twisted. And I'm like, my whole pussy's out. And I'm like, well, that defeated the purpose of wearing any sort of underwear. Oh, my God. Speaking of pussy out, I got to spend New Year's in San Francisco. Okay.

And we went to like a party rave type place. Me, Chris Redd, Sanjay. And you know, Chris is pretty famous. So people want attention. And so people were coming up to the table. Like there were bars or whatever. I don't know. This place was goofy. But just dancing on it and then being like, oh, wait, are you Chris? You know, just shocked.

But one girl, she's like a bigger girl, blonde weave, but like dancing. And people were like, oh, my God, she looks great. I'm like, let her have fun. How dare you? Let her have fun. Let her live. Let her thrive. But then I realized everyone was going wild because she was holding her dress fully up and her pussy was all out.

So I was like defending her honor. And it was like she just fully was dancing with her pussy out for a good 20 to 30 minutes. But then when she walked away, her dress was long. Like it wasn't even a short dress. Like she made her pussy be out and it was wild. Maybe she was dancing and she was like, I feel the pussy sweats coming on. I don't want my pussy to be damp, moist, whatever.

Let me just air this shit out as I sway around you know yeah maybe that's what she was doing it was wild so she was wearing no underwear no underwear oh i fucking love her yeah and the dress was like a neon green yes bitch draw attention and show your pussy it is vegas no san francisco oh fucking fucking San Francisco even better I was in Vegas over New Year's wait how was the Gaga show incredible okay

it was okay there's a storyline which is like pretty unnecessary but she does all the hits she is it was a better show

than the one we saw in New York which I thought was good it was a good show but but we were on the side. So we couldn't see everything. Well, also, I just learned outdoor venue is not worth getting floor seats. Correct. You're still so far.

You're still so far away. It's like, I think the one up from floor is the best. And they're hundreds cheaper. Yes. Hundreds and hundreds of dollars cheaper. To be in an arena enclosed yeah get floor you're actually close but this like i still felt hundreds of feet away from yes and i think i had like 14th row and i was so far we were in the fifth row and couldn't see

anything it's so far but this one vegas there's not a bad seat in the house unless you're behind me because i was standing and dancing the whole time the songs are literally just dance and then at point she was like get the fuck up and dance and I was like anyone try to sit you down yes this lady behind me was like if we give you a bunch of popcorn will you sit down and I was like a food fuels me I love food if anything I will just continue to stand after a bunch of popcorn also just because I'm a fat lady doesn't mean I'm gonna sit down if you give me food. And it's not even a high class food. No.

Like popcorn's cheap. Don't get a fucking hot dog for me. Yeah. And then maybe I'll think about sitting. But I was like, just get, she does a ballad at the end, but like most of it are high energy fucking things. I don't know.

I liked it. It was very fun. Yeah. If it's a dance music, we're going to stand. Yes. And if you can't deal with that, you're at the wrong concert. Yeah. You got to go home, bitch.

I really hate when people make people sit down. Me too. Yeah. I just hate when Gaga talks and is sincere and poetic, but I love her talent. She's great. At the—but also, did you clock this? At the show we saw in New York during Alejandro, there was a pan to the audience of a Hispanic person who looked real confused about why he was on a monitor. It made me laugh really hard.

I was like, Gaga, you cannot do that. Oh, we're ending, huh? We are. Because you know I could keep on talking. I do love Lady Gaga, but I have another guest. Oh, yeah cannot do that. Oh, we're ending, huh? We are. Because you know I could keep on talking. I do love Lady Gaga, but I have another guest. Oh, yeah. All right. So do you have anything you want to promote?

Just like I'm at Glitter Cheese on Instagram and then just Netflix The Degenerates. I'm the fourth episode. Watch my stand up. It's very funny. I'm in town, but I don't remember. I'll be in Vancouver, Fort Worth, Texas, Austin.

Are you going to be at Moon Tower? I'm going to be, no, at the other one. Oh. But I don't know if it's announced yet. Who cares? Are you going to be

at Moon Tower? That's fun. I've never been. To Moon Tower or Austin? Yeah. Yeah, but have you ever been to Austin? Sorry, I have been to Austin.

I've been to South by Southwest a bunch. Okay. And I fucking love Barton Springs! Yes, yes, me too. I like Barton Springs. I've been to South by Southwest a bunch. Okay. And I fucking love Barton Springs. Yes. Yes. Me too.

I like Barton Springs. I love it. I like swimming very far away and Mateo being like, come back. You're too far away. I mean, he is high maintenance. He's high maintenance a little bit. He wants photos and suntan lotion. Mm-hmm.

And to not be outside for very long and he won't ever go swimming. Yeah. Because I was like, we're here to swim? And he was like, we're here to be here. And I said, I'll come down,

let's take our pictures and I'm going to swim for a while. I love swimming. I'm a little water baby. Anyway, if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me,

guess what? You can subscribe, you can like it. If you send me something nasty i will read it so this person said i want you to get a cruella deville wig you know glenn close style circa 1996 while i pump your pussy well over 101 times before you orgasm i want you to let me know by yelling, I'm Glenn Close. That'll be my cue to bring it on. What segment is that? What? What is that? This is where I read nasty little things where people send them to me. Oh my God. People are always sending me nasty stuff and I love it. That's it. Goodbye. Lisa, go back to New York right now now no um get out of here la does not want

you just kidding okay bye This has been a Team Coco production.