Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Racism in Hollywood (w/ Oscar Montoya)

Episode Date: July 6, 2018

Oscar Montoya (UCB, Inside the Disney Vault podcast) joins Nicole to talk through his 4 year dry spell, Mario Betalli's mitten hands, and the rampant racism in Los Angeles.You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby, you are listening with your ears to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where I try to figure out how I'm still single even though I will lick your armpit and let you kiss me right after. My guest today, you know him from his podcast Inside the Disney Vault. You also know him from UCB. He performs so much. He's got a fabulous show, which I'm a part of, called UCB Drag Race, which is so much fun. It's monthly. Go to the UCB

website. Look for those dates. You've also seen him in many a TV show and a commercial. Currently, this Snickers commercial that is so funny about the pronunciation of almond. It honestly makes me laugh. It makes me laugh every time I see it. Every time I see it, I laugh so hard. Please welcome Oscar Montoya. That was, if only I were introduced that way forever and ever. I honestly just started crying thinking about that commercial.

And I'm like, there's tears in my eyes. I think it's really funny. It's surprisingly funny. I wasn't, I mean, when I was shooting it, I was like, this commercial is so weird. This is something that's going to air once and then never, and then truly ban. No, girl, that's going to pay your rent for a little bit.

Girl, it was so, I mean. Have you ever gotten that reaction before from it where someone remembers it and then immediately starts laughing so hard they start crying? No, but I will say, I've done a couple of stuff, but this is the one that has gotten the most attention. I mean, I've gotten messages from Retta, which I'm like, hello, Sterling K. Brown, get out of here. Straight up. Like, they'll record themselves watching the commercial and they're like, hello, Sterling K. Brown, get out of here. Straight up. Like they'll record themselves watching the commercial and they're like, who is this person?

And then people will tag me and then they'll message me being like, hey, keep up the good work. And I die. I die. What a treat. This is like why I love that the internet is so accessible to people because you got instant feedback that people think this commercial is so fucking funny,

which it is. It's really funny. But then there's the dark side to the internet where people are like, hey, you nasty fat bitch, I want to tell you exactly what's on my mind. Do you ever read the comments? Yes, I talk about it all the time.

Oh my God. I love to read them. I do. I genuinely love to read them. I do. I genuinely love to read them. Because I'm waiting for someone to be like, your soul's bad and here's why. And I'm like, oh, well, that's deeper than the performance. You saw something nobody else saw.

Like, I'm waiting for it. Because, like, say I'm fat, say I'm black, say I'm not funny. All of that is, like, true and also subjective. So, like, whatever. And then sometimes I, like, just clarify things for people. So I read all of that is like true and also subjective so like whatever and then sometimes i like just clarify things for people so i read all of my instagram comments every single one you know because there are so many hours in the world so like why not spend a couple of them reading comments but this lady was like why do you disrespect yourself and fat shame yourself by using hashtags uh so fat, so brave.

And I was like, I think you're confused. She doesn't get it. She doesn't get it. Yeah, and then she's like, well, I'm not confused. I think you're beautiful. And I'm not gay or anything. And I was like, whoa. Just so y'all know. Yeah, just so you know.

You're beautiful, but I ain't gay. No homo. No homo. I do not want to slop on your chocolate burger. I'm not here for that. But you're beautiful. But that chocolate burger is very nice. I like that chocolate.

I would never order it in a restaurant. I would never order a chocolate burger. Uh-uh. No, I only like chocolate penis. But I said back to her, I said, what does being gay have to do? You had a conversation. Yes, because I said to her the first time, the does being gay have to do? You had a conversation. Yes, because I said to her the first time, the first when she was like, you're fat shaming yourself. I said, I think you're confused.

Then she said that she wasn't gay. She was paying me a compliment. One queen to another, you're beautiful. So then I said, what does being gay have to do with anything? Nothing. One. Two, I am fat and I'm beautiful that you are not mutually exclusive. You can be both of these items.

Also, like, why not say I'm fat? Like, thin people don't go, I am not thin. No. How dare you say I am skinny. Toned? You think I'm fucking toned? So, like. Hashtag so skinny. Hashtag so toned. So toned you think i'm fucking toned so like hashtag so skinny hashtag so so toned so toned so brave so brave bless you bless you like you can say anything about someone's body except fat yeah why is that such a because fat is a bad word and it shouldn't be Every single person on this earth, down to the skinniest little bag of bones, has fat on them.

You have at least 1% of fat on you. Everyone has fat. Some people have more fat than other people. And I just, I honestly, like, you're a little fatty. I think it's, to me, it to me it's i don't know but it is all about like just taking the words that were used to make fun of you in a positive way yes is empowering and and hey listen so many people have called me that like why can't i call myself that yes yeah why can't i just claim that word back i go oh okay so that's what you see yeah

all right so i guess i'm a fat person yeah and it's like i could change it but i don't maybe now i don't want to but then so i read this article where they were like did you watch michelle wolf's first uh episode of her show yes so she like goes in on mario batali for being like a fat little piece of shit who you know out there touching he's like i want to touch donuts and people and uh i read this article this woman's reaction was like she fat shame mario batali i know he's bad but like maybe we don't you know criticize are you kidding and you know he is fat but like that's not why he's bad. And I read that and was like, what? What?

Why are you mad that she's going on? That she's like going in on this man who's bad. Who's a bad guy. He's a bad man. He's a villain. He's bad. Yeah. And she's calling him fat.

Okay. I don't think she's saying the fat made him bad. I think maybe she's just saying he a fat man. Those fat little hands are the bad guys. Them fat little hands that he can't separate because they're so fat. He's just mittening ladies. Mitten the ladies. That's funny.

That's not fat shaming. Some people's fingers are so fat it looks like mittens. Not shaming. It's just the truth but i was like what's the difference between calling mario batali you know fat or calling fucking who's that keibler elf and who's who's him uh who's the keibler elf that trump nominated he talks like this he's that little keibler. Do you know who I'm talking about? He's that racist little Keebler elf. What is his name? Do you know who I'm talking

about? Marissa, do you know who I'm talking about? What's his name? Yes, Jeff Sessions. Looks like a Keebler elf. What am I, elf shaming at this point? He looks like a little Skeletor elf. He looks like Yoda. Am I now Star Wars shaming?

Get ready, girl. Get ready for them hate mail coming at you. Yes, I can't wait. I dare you to say I'm fat shaming. I dare you. And that lady made a comment on me wearing a bikini. And I was like fat shaming myself as I roll around half naked. Where's the shame?

If anything, I'm fat exhibitionist myself i don't i just made up a fucking word fat exhibitioning i mean i don't know i totally feel that i mean it's so funny because i uh read the comments for the snickers commercial that i was in and they were mostly pretty but a lot of it is so weird because I am like ethnically ambiguous people are really on the quest to finding what my ethnicity is and like always comparing me to like oh that's like a light-skinned childish Gambino or like the weird I mean I get oh that looks like Jimmy Fallon which I'm like what in what reality do I ever look like Jimmy Fallon or uh the one that really in what reality do I ever look like Jimmy Fallon?

Or the one that really gets me is like, oh, that's a guy of How I Met Your Mother. What? Josh Radner? Josh Radner? My favorite comment of all time is someone said, tell me that doesn't look like Josh Radner and Childish Gambino in a fat suit. What? I don't see that at all.

At all. I don't understand why people need to have a point of reference to see something. Why can't you see something new and go, oh, this is a person. I don't know who he looks like because he looks different than anybody I've ever seen. Exactly. No. I don't understand why you have to look like somebody. May I ask, what is your ethnicity?

I'm Afro-Colombian. So my dad is black. He's from the Bronx. And my mom is from Colombia. I was born in Colombia. So my dad was a welder. And he welded ships and went to Colombia for work. And my mom, she would do this thing where she would hang out by the docks to fuck men.

To kiss herself a welder. Encore. So she saw my mom. And you know, like in Colombia, black men are rare. So she saw my dad and was like, okay, what's this? And she went up to him. They fucked. She wrapped her pussy lips around my dad's dick and was like, you're mine now.

She sucked the soul out of him. Yep. Had my older sister, had me. Then we came to the States after that. I love it. Are they still together? They are still together. Oh, that's very, very cute.

I very much like that story. How did your parents meet? My understanding is, well, I haven't talked. My parents are dead. I don't know if you know that but they are d-a-d-d i did not know that yeah they dead uh thank you for laughing sometimes i'll like go in on it and people just go oh i'm sorry and i'm like if i'm smiling and saying they're dead yeah you can smile too whatever i had a good time with them i got a good time without them so my my mother worked at the university of chicago and was working her way through school

and my dad was in school not working because i don't know scholarships who knows and um i believe they met because my dad my mother was helping my dad with English because he was a math man, a math and science guy. He was an engineer. He helped write programs on how you build on your cell phone usage. Oh, what? Yeah. My dad wrote code and was a very smart man, and I didn't know any of this until he died. What?

So I knew my dad was an engineer who worked at AT&T. Did he just not tell you? I was not interested in anything he needed to say to me. He would open his mouth and I would say, you're dumb and you don't understand life. You don't understand me and I don't need to talk to you. So like we really butted heads and didn't get along. I just knew he was an engineer. Didn't know what kind.

And then when he died, we were cleaning out his office and like he had this whiteboard with like hieroglyphics on it and i looked at his uh his like work friend steve and i said steve what is that and he's like oh it's code and i was like what does that mean he's like oh your dad wrote codes and i said huh i guess he did like your dad has patents and i was like and i was like oh so he was like actually important like has patents? And I was like, huh. And I was like, oh, so he was, like, actually important? Like, as we're standing in, like, his office was almost as big as this. It was a huge, like, corner office. Wow.

And I was like, huh. So I guess, like, my dad did, like, pretty well here at AT&T. Okay. And then, like, the money AT&T gave me and my sister was very much indicative of, like, he was important to their company. Shut up. Yeah. It was a while to company. Shut up. Yeah. It was a while to figure that out after he died. It was weird because growing up, I truly was like, this man's a fool.

Yeah. And I don't suffer fools. Were your parents separated? No. They were together. My mom died when I was 16. No, they were together. My mom died when I was 16.

She was, honestly, I think if she had lived through me and my sister. We're talking about Bonnie, yeah. Yeah, Bonnie Byer. Had she lived, well, like, you know, to today, I'm sure she would be a teacher or something. Because she loved teaching. She loved kids. She loved trying to just, like, get a kid to act a little bit better. So, like, whenever people saw my mother, they would, like, kind of shape up and be like, this buyer's going to yell at me.

She's a disciplinarian. Yes. And when she was disappointed in you, you, like, felt it. And you were like, oh, man, I did bad. I let Bonnie down. Yeah. And, like, at her funeral, so many of my friends and then people I wasn't friends with who my mom was like, she was also like a lunch lady. Like she was always around.

She was a woman who just like was meant to be a mother and wanted to be a mom. And she was very involved in me and my sister's school. Like people still to this day will be like, oh, man, I remember when Ms. Byer would be like, I don't know, can you? Can I go to the bathroom, Ms. Byer? Well, I don't know, can you? And they'd be like, uh. Stuck with them forever and ever, yeah. Mm-hmm.

So, yeah. Oh, that's so sweet. Yeah, very, very sweet. And they like really, really loved each other. I don't know if I'm ever gonna find out. it. Yeah, back to the topic at hand. Are you single? Girl, yes! I've been single, oh God.

It's tough. When was your last long-term? My shirt has just been like up. It's because I have my dog's leash tucked into my leggings. Your dog's been a bad boy, yeah? He's been awful. He's just... Well, one of the two you have two dogs i have two dogs we're gonna listen to these three episodes in a row and be like she definitely

recorded these back to back and i'll tell you something i did i sure did it's called i'm a busy Oh, I've lost my mind. Oh, my God. So you're single. I am single. I've been single for the duration of my. I mean, I've been living in L.A. for three years and I've been single for four years. OK. I haven't been on a single date in four years may i ask you be fucking you can you can say i don't want to answer no absolutely not have not been fun you haven't fucked in four years no yeah it's it's embarrassing

no but it's no cut that shit out it is not embarrassing it's not because i'm not trying because yes i'm trying but it's not working. I don't know. I don't know how you, how is it, because you've lived in New York. Yes. You've lived in LA. Yes. What is the difference between LA, New York, and that world?

I'll tell you. In New York, you can go to any fucking bar. Any bar, New York, Queens, Bronx, Brooklyn, Manhattan, and you can- Staten Island. Even Staten Island or Long Island. You go to a bar and make five brand new best friends that you hang out with for the rest of the night and you'll fuck one of them. Yeah.

And in LA, you're lucky to make a friend at a bar. Why is that? I feel like LA is a really clicky place. It's like living in the suburbs, but it's a city. Yes, that was my first impression of LA. Yeah, it's like widespread suburban city. And everyone is also in the industry. It's a driving town.

Nobody stays out very late. Everyone's like, well, I mean, I could have another drink bunt. I have SoulCycle and a kale appointment. And you're like, what's a kale appointment? I'm going to open my refrigerator and stare at some kale. And you're like, okay, great. I don't know. You do you.

I'm gonna. Okay. I feel like the people in this town are not fun. And the people who say they're fun are like, like well I'm going downtown to a warehouse loft party where we're all gonna wear crowns on our heads and take LSD and I'm like

this is like too far in the other direction here's the thing once upon a time I was all about that yeah I'm at an age right now

where truly I cannot keep up there's a couple there's a lot of dive bars in Los Angeles I think what I'm gonna start doing is like maybe on Friday nights that like, I'm not busy. Just go into one of them and like hanging out and see if I meet some new friends.

Because is your ideal scenario meeting a friend that then evolves into a relationship? Or like, how do you, just paint me a picture of the best possible scenario. I, here's the thing. I used to be like, I would love to date a friend. We already know each other, blipity blop.

But lately I've been putting friends in a pocket where I go, oh, you're like a brother now. And I can't even think of you sexually. And then for you to come out of that pocket and be like, I'm going to eat your pocket. I'm going to eat that burger I'm gonna eat that burger. Give me that chocolate burger. One chocolate burger please. I feel like that's a little weird for me. And then, I don't know, I keep also meeting married men

that I'm like, oh baby. Are you serious? I think I like you. And then it's like, oh, you're married, so I have to put you in that pocket. You can't try to do anything. Nope. Yeah, it's a...

And then apps, I don't know. What apps are you on? All of them. Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Raya, Coffee Meets Bagel, OkCupid. Wait, hold up, what's Hinge? Hinge is like, Meets Bagel OkCupid Wait hold up What's Hinge? Hinge is like

They take your Facebook friends And Match you with other people That your friends You have like connections with Interesting I don't fucking know Yeah

And then there's questions And you have to like Send a like You have to be like I like your This question's a cool question What? Yeah

I'll tell Why is it this hard to meet someone? I don't know. Why are we resorting to fucking apps to meet people? I don't know, but like, some people have met on OkCupid like 10 years ago. Oh. They're like still together, or like JJ. There's people that meet on fucking Grindr, on like, like fuckmenow.com.

I know, and I'm just like, did i miss the boat i know girl i feel the same way is this like is it on to the what is the next what's fucking virtual reality like like i'm gonna get in my fucking phone avatar yeah like i don't know, oh, it signed me right out. Haven't been in in a while. Uh-oh. So, oh, someone likes me. Okay. This kid, okay. I have matched with this man on Hinge and on Tinder, and he, so I asked him to send me like a,

oh, no, he FaceTimed me. So I was at dinner with Sishier, he FaceTimed me, and I was like, no. No, don't ever do that. And then, because we were texting, and then his number popped up and then she was like answer and i said no i think he's wild so then we answered he's wasted with a friend he looks older than his pictures and uh we just had this like weird conversation i was like i'm at a restaurant in Los Angeles. I almost said the restaurant and the city. So then I like hang up and she was like, I like him.

And I was like, I think he's wild. And then we like keep texting and it's like getting weirder and weirder and weirder. So then I like blocked his number because I was like, I don't know. Weirder in what way? Just like, I don't know. Weirder in what way? I don't know. I would be like, I never really started the conversations. I'm trying to think of one. He would be like, hey, how are you?

I'd be like, oh, good. He's like, great. I'm good, too. Do you like potato? I'm like, what do you mean? Just a singular fucking potato? A baked potato? The concept of potatoes? Sure, the thought of potatoes. Fun for me. What do you mean? Like just a singular fucking potato? Like a baked potato? Mashed? The concept of potatoes? Well, yeah, like sure, the thought of potatoes, fun for me.

What are we doing with this potato? And I was like, I don't have time to figure out your like weird shit. All these shenanigans, yeah. So he just liked me again, and I'm not here for it. So Hinge, so you have pictures. So I have six pictures up and then you picked you pick questions and then you answer them so my questions are weirdest gift i have given or received i said an easter

dinner via the mail which is my aunt sent me a easter dinner non-refrigerated. What is an Easter dinner? With little dry ice. What the fuck is that? Non-priority that I left at the post office for a couple days. It's a thought that counts. So you better believe there was a full cooked ham. You better believe there was a box of cornbread that she didn't feel like cooking. You better believe there was a Ziploc bag filled with macaroni and cheese. You better believe there was a- Was she like, oh, Nicole loves my Easter dinner.

I'm going to just give- Well, I was living in New York at the time, and I didn't have money to go back to go to Chicago for Easter. I didn't have money to go to Chicago for Christmas. I was just like really, really poor. And I think my aunt was just like, I'm going to do something nice for Nicole. You also better believe there was a package of raw bacon. Oh, girl. And I don't know what her thought process was

when she Avenger'd assembled this together. I'm calling out all the foods. Bacon, cornbread. Truly. So then it sat at the post office for like two days. So it was not priority so I four days

it took its time four days to get from Michigan to New York and then sat on a truck sat at the post office Sunday was a holiday Monday I was busy

Tuesday I was busy Wednesday oh shit let me go get that package go to the post office at 125th. Give them that pink slip. The lady behind the counter had the longest nails.

The fingerest finger waves. One girl, too, looked at my slip and went, ooh, ooh, ah, ooh, she's here. Beverly, she's here. And I said, oh. Uhoh what is what were you expecting what they've been talking about you so then beverly comes out beverly has a very fake ponytail her edges weren't matching the ponytail beverly went yes yes they were they clapped for a while like it was the most insane thing to the point where my roommate goes, what is happening?

And I was like, bro, I don't know. So they give me this box that is dripping. Stinking and dripping. No, no, no, no, no. I take it over to a counter. Everybody comes from behind the glass. It's a production at this point. There are people online who are now,

the whole post office is looking at me. And because, have you ever seen The End of Seven? I'm sure everybody thought, I won't ruin it for people, I'm sure people thought The End of Seven was happening. You know, what's in the box? What's in the box? What's in the box?

So then I started pulling out all this food. And everyone goes, oh, my God, it's just food. What? And Beverly's like, why was food sent to you? Like, who did this to you? And I. Did you talk to your aunt after? No.

Well, she messaged me. And she goes, did you get what I sent you? Oh, no. And I said, I got it. Thank you so much. You never have to do that again. That was too much food. She goes, did you eat it all? I said, I got it. Thank you so much. You never have to do that again. That was too much food. She goes, did you eat it all?

I said, yes. I ate every last bite. What a dream. What a treat. Thank you so much. So that's the weirdest thing I ever got. And then another question, because we're talking about Hinge, is I'm actually legitimately bad at, I said, real job stuff.

What's Excel? Yeah, hell yeah. And then it says, I'm looking for, I said, a huge dick. JK, I'm searching for real love. And that's the question people like to bring up the most. So they like those questions the best. Men love, ooh, wait. We got to take a break.

No, we're back oh my gosh that was so long it was so long why are you making me wait i'm sorry that like we had to take that break i had a oh no i got a tweeze right here i didn't take my my adhd medication my brain is everywhere. I have a little fucking hair. A scraggly. A little scraggle. Oh my God. Scraggle. Ooh, and she's tough. You're a human girl.

It's okay. She's coarse. Hey, she's here to stay. She's got 4C little hair coming out my face. So yeah, Hinge is awful. They're all really bad. Yes. Are you on Grindr?

I'm not on Grindr. That's probably the one thing I will not do. Okay. I am on Tinder. I'm on Scruff. Yes. Which is a very popular one in this podcast. And it's a, I mean, here's the thing, like, not to say that, I mean, I'm not like, oh, what was me?

I'm so unattractive. No, I like match with people. Yes. The problem is because LA is such a flaky ass town. And racist. And, I mean, we gonna go there? I mean. Are we gonna go there or what?

We can. I just talked about it. But it's a very racist place. Unbelievably racist. Unbelievably. Like, shockingly racist. Yes. And weirdly conservative.

And I was like, why is LA that way? And I think maybe it's because there's so many people who move from their tiny conservative towns to la to quote unquote make it yeah that they still carry those ideals with them i mean it's shocking to me how many people in our community that i'm like oh you're cool and then all of a sudden they'll say something that i'm that's like record scratch that i'm like wait, wait, hold up. Oh, you are a secret agent. Yes. For the conservative right. I'm constantly saying,

because we work in comedy, we're around a lot of comedians, and a lot of our little white comedian friends will go, oh, they went diverse on that part. And I'm like, well, no. They did not go diverse on the secondary characters. When you don't have inclusion up top, if one of the main characters isn't black,

guess where it trickles down? To the job you could have, should have, would have had. So you should want inclusion because then you can have a job. And then when people during staffing season are like, well, they're only looking for women and people of color right now. It's like, oh, well, that's because there's eight white people in that room yep so that's why they don't

want you it's just like guess what if there was eight black brown female people in that room then they could hire you yeah then there'd be no fucking problem hiring you and so we got ted who can't write fucking ted ted's an ep an EP. Goddamn Ted. Ted's useless. Ted's using up all the fucking money. Yeah. Ugh, I mean. It's so gross. I also hate when I book jobs and people's like, oh my gosh, good job on that job.

Isn't it so cool that right now diversity's in? And it's like, excuse me. What? No, no, no. I earned this job. Yes. And it was like, I got it because they thought i was funny and that's it you know also i worked my fucking ass off in this business and people love to discredit

you by just saying oh you know it must be like diversity or whatever yep and the more i think about it the more i'm like even in like social media like truly if you listen to these three in a row i've mentioned it's the same story yeah well like just like reality media like truly if you listen to these three in a row i've mentioned it's the same story yeah well like just like reality shows like rupaul's drag race like the black queens yes the puerto rican queens they all have less followers online well it's like a they they become categorized yes and and honestly that bleeds into dating you know no matter it does it doesn't you might be the wokest ass person in the world. Yes. But you are still categorizing us.

We are not like the mainstream. We can't just do anything. Exactly. We have to represent all black people. Exactly. We're all Puerto Rican people or whatever. Yep. Where you have white people can do anything.

Anything they want. Like, okay. I don't agree with Kanye west on most of what he says yeah but you can't be like he's bad for black people because is mel gibson bad for white people yeah no mel gibson gets to scream the n-word and be belligerent and abusive to his ex-wife and he gets to go away for five years because that's the length of time he took off yeah and he gets to come back and be in a movie literally called daddy's home yeah i mean charlie sheen i mean i mean it's is a raving lunatic who is abusive and drunk and not good and i've heard so many stories about him

we've all heard stories about him he didn't even go away no he left two and a half men and then signed a fucking deal for anger management for 100 episodes. This is lunacy. 100 episodes. He gets rewarded for his behavior with 100 episodes. Like Mark Wahlberg attempted to murder a man. Yep. And he gets to be in all of the movies.

Woody Allen, I mean, it's he said, she said at this point, but it's an allegation that won't go away. So I'm like, if it won't go away, there has to be legitimacy to it. And then people like in the beginning, Bill Cosby, people are like, oh, that's just they're trying to take down a black man. I'm like, what? What do you mean? I mean, he's doing bad things too he deserves to go down as well all the men who are bad deserve to go down i the whole it's insane i mean and for us like what i'm sick of is people being like looking at us and being like so and so is a success story or it's a disappointment

yeah you know what i mean and it's like well okay that. You know what I mean? And it's like, well, okay, that's fine. But like, why can't we just be a story? Like, God forbid Tiffany makes a mistake. Tiffany Haddish. God forbid she makes a mistake.

For a second there, I thought you were referring to Tiffany Pollard, aka New York. And I was like, she don't make mistakes. She don't make any mistakes. She don't make mistakes.

Tiffany Pollard is very funny. I want her back ASAP. Her Instagram is so funny. I think she does a podcast. I's not making mistakes. Tiffany Pollard is very funny. I want her back ASAP. Her Instagram is so funny. I think she does a podcast. I need to see her. She's very funny. We miss you. But like Tiffany Haddish

is being built. I think she's very funny. I think she is very funny. I think she's very sweet. We've, you know, hung out and been around each other

a couple times. I won't say we're best friends because we're not. But I'm like worried but i'm like worried i'm like oh god but that's what if she does something she slips a little bit one time and then it all comes crumbling from under her and guess who doesn't get a second chance black women yeah people of color yeah you make one fucking mistake and like you go away you have to

be the one you do like how many movies does gab Gabrielle Union have to do before she can be a star? Oh my gosh. You know what I'm saying? Gabrielle Union had no promotion for her last movie. No, not at all. Amy Schumer had all the promotion for her movie. And I think they did the same. I think they opened, I might be wrong.

Internet, please tell me if I'm wrong. It might be around at the same time now. I think they opened the same weekend but I think they opened the same weekend and I think they made the same amount of money yeah but no one talks about that movie but yeah no one's

talking about either one of the movies really now yeah that's true but I'm like if they're opening at the same thing why is one getting

more money than the other one if they can both open at the same box office thing like Taraji P. Henson should be in everything. Proud Mary got no promotion. No, not at all.

People didn't even know Proud Mary came out. And it's just, it sucks. And it's a bummer. And I don't like, Crazy Rich Asians is a movie that I feel like if it doesn't do well. I know, they're like see we tried we tried and you know

nobody wants to see no Asian people you know run around yeah but I'm like well so why do we have to name

the movie Crazy Rich Asians maybe I think it might be based on a book yeah but then it's also you got Fresh Off the Boat I'm like we can't just be family people

I know just like hey we're family this is a family show we're family. This is a family show. We're family. Family. Blackish. Just people living.

Yeah. Just people living. Just us. Oh, my gosh. There's that show, The Neighborhood, that's coming out. Girl. Whoa. What is this show?

What alternate reality are we living in right now i didn't read the script but my understanding is it's a comedy about gentrification it's yeah a comedy used very loosely i mean oh i haven't read it so i can't really make any comments on it other than i know that it's about gentrification and my whole thing is like I don't know if gentrification is funny no it's not like gentrification is I won't say ruined New York but it's ruined New York hell yeah

it's like when my neighborhood I lived in Harlem got that Whole Foods I was like yeah oh yeah we're done we got a Starbucks and a Whole Foods and I was like we're done it's becoming unlivable in New York and and honestly it's creeping into los angeles too oh yeah we're like oh we can't live here yeah like i my apartment was cheap it was 1800 for a two-bedroom which was like what the fuck well how so my friend Marcy lived there before me.

And then I think Marcy had a friend who lived there before her. So we just kept moving in and not allowing her to remodel it. So it was a little janky. A little crusty. Like I had it cleaned once and cleanly. I said, you've never cleaned this before? She's like, I quit. You've never cleaned this before.

And I was like, no, I haven't. She's like, nope. I show you here. You've never cleaned this. And I was like, no, I haven't. And she's like, nope. I'll show you here. You've never cleaned this. And I was like, yeah, that's crusty. So that's how I got so cheap. But buying a house, I was truly like, oh, so I'm going to have to spend a million dollars for a fixer fucking up. Oh, yeah, for trash.

Yeah. Anything I saw that was under a million dollars was trash. And that's an insane sentence. Yeah. Yeah. Anything I saw that was under a million dollars was trash. And that's an insane sentence. And I.

Any other place. A million dollar house. You would live. Is a million dollar house. A million dollar house anywhere outside of New York and L.A. You get 10 acres of land and a fucking mansion. Yep. And a manservant. Yes.

And someone to eat your little chocolate hamburger i it's insane it's really knock knock knock i'm your uh burger eater come on in but it's a lot of foreign money coming in so like i had this one house that i saw and i was like this is so poorly laid out nobody will buy this house I'll buy it I'm okay living in a weird house where the third bedroom you have to go outside to access and the wall shares

the wall with the fucking cold garage and that there's no heat ventilation going into that room so whoever sleeps in there will die of being cold oh sure I will live in the there was a pool house yeah that was so small but had a full kitchen so you could only put a chair in it i was like this doesn't make any sense why are people saying no way this will go for list and it sold for over list and cash offer you're kidding from china so like

someone from china saw the listing looked at the pictures i don't think they even saw the house they're like yeah cash for it it's like it's crazy the amount of foreign money that flows through here and there's also crazy the amount of money that like people will just drop on shit the disparity of wealth in california is crazy i don't love going downtown oh my gosh because well it's so blatant it's so obvious you will pay 500 for your dinner and look out the window and see a man waving at you taking a shit yeah like a literal he's waving at you with his dick and he's yeah his dick is out in his hand and he's taking a nasty run at them. And you're like, well.

Enjoy this pate. Yeah, this is great fucking chow. What kind of rich foods are you eating, huh, Nicole? Not much, obviously. Truffled fucking foie gras. I just had foie gras. Foie gras? Is that how you say it? Foie gras? Foie gras. How do you say it? Foie gras. Foie gras. I just had foie gras. Foie gras. Is that how you say it?

Foie gras. Foie gras. How you say it? Foie gras. Foie gras. Marissa, how you say it? Do you know? Foie gras.

What? Foie gras. Foie gras. Forest Gross. The enemy from Shrek? The Shrek movies? Foie gras. Yeah, Lord Farquaad.

I just had that shit for the first time. It's nasty as fuck. It's gross. Rich people food is disgusting Caviar is fucking nasty Escargot You want me to eat a snail You want me to eat a sidewalk

Fucking delight No And it's $600 No thank you Frog legs get the fuck up out of here People be eating like roaches Crickets You want me to scoop out bones No, thank you. Frog legs, get the fuck up out of here. People be eating like roaches, crickets. You want me to scoop out bones?

No, bitch. Give me my meat off the bones. Why the fuck we eating like cavemen all of a sudden? Truly. Waving bones around. It's the barrow. Suck it out. Excuse me.

No, no, no, no. Can I have some more bone, please? Disgusting. Back to dating. Dating, yes. I don't even know what we were talking about. So wait, what is going on in your dating life? Okay.

Nothing. No, I don't believe that. Well, every time I go out of town, I set my Tinder to that location, try to swipe in advance, match with some people, let it simmer for a day or two. When I get there, try to swipe in advance match with some people let it simmer for a day or two when i get there try to fuck every time i've gone out of town in the last three or four months i've gotten my period i don't fuck on my period it's a personal preference it's messy and i personally don't like

it some dudes love it some dudes love it some women love it some women women love it. Some women love it, yes. It is not for me. You, yes. Uh-uh. You don't like, yeah. No rare chocolate burger. No. No, I don't want a chocolate burger with strawberry jam. All right, I retire from comedy.

No, I'm not here for it. And I'm beginning to think that I need to be single for a little bit because that keeps happening. Do you have better luck out of town than in L.A.? No. No. Because you go to Sacramento and everyone is not cute. And then you go to Naples, Florida, the last few places I've been.

Yeah. And they're not cute. Yeah. That's the fucked up shit. You go to Albany, New York and everybody's old. Yeah. Yeah. It's fucked up because like you can't even say like, because I used to like give that

excuse of like, oh, nobody likes me. Oh, I just want someone to like me. There are people who do like me. Sure. I'm like not attracted to them. And I'm not here for them. Exactly. Like that's not the narrative that I want.

I'm sorry. Yeah. You know? And I know full well that like some of the men also, okay, here's a thing. I think I'm very pretty. Yes. I think. That's the truth.

Thank you. I like my face. I like my body. I think I'm very pretty. Yes. That's the truth. Thank you. I like my face. I like my body. I think I'm a very attractive person. Yes. And when someone who's not as attractive as I think I should be with is messaging me or whatever, I'm like, no, thank you. Well, yeah. You don't have time for that.

And I feel like the attractive person that I want to be with i think is looking for someone more attractive than me so i think it's a real my best friend's wedding situation where uh julia roberts is chasing dermot maroney well that's not you fucked up that name dermot maroney is that his name his name is dermot that's not a name that call buyer don't you dare tell me that's a name. Dermot Moroney. Is that his name? His name is Dermot Moroney. That's not a name, Nicole Byer. Don't you dare tell me that's a name. It is Dermot Moroney. That's not a-

It is his name. I call bullshit on that. And Dermot Moroney is chasing Cameron Diaz, and no one is chasing Julia Roberts. Yeah. That's what I feel like. Wait, best friend's wedding. Best- Yeah, show me the receipts.

Come on. Okay, yeah, show me the receipts. Come on. Okay, yeah, his name is Dermot Maroney. What? Yeah, Dermot Maroney. D-E-R-M-O-T. Dermot Maroney. The next time a white person says- That's a fucking weird ass name.

Tyresha, what kind of name is that? I'm going to say, what kind of fucking name is Dermot Maroney oh y'all got weird names too yes I don't come with that and it's so funny when people don't want to just take the time to learn someone's name no it's fucking gross oh here's something funny and you know this too um you had mono a couple of episodes ago but like people in the community confuse the two of us all the time. Mono never has glasses on and you don't look

anything alike. We don't look anything alike. Interesting. But people don't not only with names but they don't want to know our faces even. No. It is unbelievable. You're just two brown people today. We're two brown gay people and they categorize us as such and they

don't bother to get our names right it's disgusting once on stage though I said to my dear friend Mano what kind of Latino are you and he laughed really hard and went Nicole you know I'm Greek and I was like and I'm like flashing back to the spanakopita

we made at a bridal shower. You flashed back to all those moments where Manu was like, girl, I'm Greek. And he's like, I'm going to Greece. I was like, fuck. And then I was like, girl, you can't. You can't do that. If you

want to ask someone, you make sure it's not on stage. And then you know his last name is agapio yeah that is not a latin name it's not latin at all girl but you know what though i did see him i was in a i was at a commercial a mcdonald's commercial audition which oh god uh and they are racist oh hell yeah especially their radio spot hell yeah brown, you know, according to the media, only brown people eat McDonald's. That's it. Yep.

Only, yeah, black and brown people. White people are not allowed there. They love McDonald's. We can't have enough of it. Ooh, give me that fries. I love that dollar menu. Do you want to know why? Because it's only a dollar.

And I can use the rest for my crack problem. I don't know. But Mano and I, we and I it was like a Latin spot like straight up you must speak Spanish in it and Mano was like what are you doing here he's like girl the business thinks I'm Latino and I'm like damn that's problematic

I mean like even Mano being like I'm not Latin I don't look Latin I don't speak Spanish they're like cool but you're some kind latin i don't look latin i don't speak no spanish they're like cool but you're some kind of brown we don't give a shit come on in joel kim booster who's a comedian tweeted something that really stuck with me he was like uh adoption doesn't need to be a storyline there's just some blended families yeah and i was like yeah because he's he's adopted yes yeah I was like I don't know if I've ever really seen a story being told of someone who's adopted where that wasn't the whole thing yep where it wasn't

just a blended family and you figured it out yeah like a throwaway line four episodes in and then we forget about it adopted me like blah blah, and then it's done. Done, yeah. Because people will look at that and be like, explain yourself. Yeah, and it's really interesting. And then, like, yeah, it's just biracial families I feel like you don't really see. Yeah, or you do see, and it's like, that's the gag. It's like, did you see that Honey nut cheerios commercial with the mixed family what

so hashtag so brave you know what i mean where it's like very cheerios very brave okay like why can't it just be though yeah i don't know and it's and then i was on a podcast and um, I'm blanking on her name. She's like a YouTube person. But she said, she was like, I just want to see a movie where Kim and Karen love each other. It's a rom-com. No one has to come out. One's a doctor.

One's a truck driver. I don't know. And they're just a rom-com. Yeah. And I was like, yeah. Every. We are so far behind though. Every queer movie I'm thinking of has some sort of secret gayness or coming out gayness.

Yeah. And I was like, why? I've never. I don't think I've ever really seen a storyline where a character goes well yeah i mean i don't want to tell my ex-boyfriend about my ex-girlfriend like i like i i've never really seen like you don't see like re like it's getting a little bit better but then like i don't it's not it's not like. Like not every LGBT movie needs to, or LGBTQ, I don't want to leave people out.

It doesn't have to be a Moonlight. I love Moonlight. Yes, yes, yes, yes. But like we don't need every movie to be like, like just heavy and like. Yeah, because also there's Moonlight and then the complete opposite of Moonlight is Love, Simon. Yeah, I haven't, I need to, I should see Love, Simon. Okay, so with Love, Simon, it's interesting

because first, as a gay man, I'm like thirsty for content. I'm like, tell my story, please, please. And so Love, Simon came out and I was like, oh, Love, Simon came out, lol. I was like, okay, great, okay, here's, I'm gonna watch this, I'm gonna see how it is

and within, I would say minutes of watching it, I'm gonna watch this i'm gonna see how it is and within i would say minutes of watching it i'm like this is written by a straight white woman i could tell and i was like what okay watch because it it's a story about us but it does not feel like it's coming from us and sure enough it was written by a very nice white straight woman and i'm like huh interesting such a huge problem with that it's interesting i i feel like it resonated with a lot of people because it was closer to their story than it than has been told right and then like moonlight to me i did not identify with much in that movie. But I loved it. Yeah.

And I cried. And then you see Barry Jenkins and you're like, yeah, okay. Yeah. Yeah, that's a story that might be yours or like close to your heart or someone you know. And I buy it and I believe it. But I just watched this movie that is coming out. yeah but i just watched this movie that is coming out it's not out yet but it is a movie about a photographer who is gay who whose work was considered pornographic i don't know if i can say his name because i don't know if the movie's out yet but i was watching it and i was like whoa

for this man to be so heavy in the gay community and gay culture and pornographic images. Yeah. And at the forefront of AIDS and death in New York in the 80s, I was like, there was no graphic sex. Yeah. And I was like, this movie should have had a lot of graphic sex. He's essentially a photographer who's also a pornographer who has a lot of sex we didn't show it none of that was very sanitized yeah and then they very briefly mentioned

the aids crisis and i was like this is your story i don't need to see any of how he came out and became what he is. I want to see. Hit me with the real stuff. I'm not like, give me sex. But I was like, this was such a heavy part of this man's life. And then the AIDS crisis in the 80s. There have been very few movies who have really gotten into how devastating that was. And how our government just let people die because they're disgusting.

They ignored it, yeah. You know, and he's a white man, so he comes from some sort of privilege in that where, like, he was still sleeping around with people, maybe when he shouldn't have been, but, like, you know, maybe people didn't think he was sick because he was white and a lot of, you know, whatever, whatever, whatever. And I was like, I bet you a woman wrote this. I bet you a woman wrote this who doesn't understand gay men.

And yes, a nice, hold on, let me just confirm that before I go out here lying on shit. But we don't know what the movie is. We don't know what the movie is. But I was like, wow. It's so weird. Also, there's that Freddie Mercury movie that's going to come out. And that's a straight white man, I believe, doing that.

Well, I mean, it's just like, God, it's a tale as old as time, honestly. But if they don't talk about him being gay, and I mean gay, and they don't show the AIDS epidemic, because I think the movie is about them writing Bohemian Rhapsody which I'm like okay you're cheating though because if you can tell me a Freddie Mercury story you gotta tell me the whole story you can't just tell me about that one song that he sang

and then he's like oh yeah by the way he's gay and he died of AIDS bye! I was right it's a white lady yeah well you know ugh yeah I don't I think it's really interesting that like like freddie mercury is very very gay like really gay right like i don't think he talked about it a lot but i mean you knew it's like it's like when boy george didn't talk about his homosexuality but you're like yeah you fish girl you fish um do you think being well yeah you've said

to being a person of color and you've recently lost some weight yes have i okay cute yes i don't know girl my way i have no idea it goes up down all around it's been insane all right this whole story yeah we don't have to talk about that but well no i mean yeah i mean i guess yeah i just like my weight has been an issue i mean actually if you remember a long time ago mano and i did a pilot podcast for our bodies are weird which you were a guest on and we talked about anywhere and never went anywhere. Hopefully we'll revive that in the future. But like we're just talking about our bodies and like just body issues that we've had. You know, I used to be a dancer a long time ago. And like, of course, body image issues like plagued my entire life.

And now I'm sort of just like freed from it. But I don't living in L.A., I don't feel like I've gotten a complete just handle on my body. In New York, I was like, it's just weird for me. Make you feel some type of way for me, too. I walk around and I see these people with incredible bodies who work hard for their bodies. Yes. And I am not willing to do that work work i am the opposite of every person i've ever met yeah i got on tv and gained weight any other person you see on television gets

get something and then they lose so much weight yeah and i said no I got money to eat now. I was born for very, like, just truly. I used to steal from Gristini's. Girl. I would steal pizza. What I would do is there's this pizza place where, well, you know, you order your slices. So there was this pizza place by where I used to live. It was like a pretty long display of pizza. So you would order at the end.

Wait, wait, wait. get your pizza maybe midway through wait wait wait wait pay so as i was waiting i was housing housing a slice and then sometimes i would eat it really really fast like turn my back and like fucking slam it wow and then be like oh you only gave me one slice and then they would give me another one and i was just like well i like this is how i get food i'm hungry isn't it so funny the crazy shit we do to just survive yeah i mean bitch i was dumpster diving yeah when she got down and let me tell you living in new york is rough it is rough a lot of my furniture was street furniture until bed bugs got to be too bad. Oh, God.

Ugh. And, like, you know, we, in my first apartment, we had a massage chair that was our kitchen table for about three years. It was just in the kitchen, and we would eat around it. Because I was like, I don't know. How much is a fucking table? Yeah. And we- The answer is too much.

Too much. We need it free. Yeah. Our TV was on a suitcase- Yeah. For three or four months before we got a stupid little stand that we got from the street. Our TV was like a fucking tube TV that was like 150 pounds. It was-

Our apartment was disgusting. My mattress was like on the floor. I slept on futons. Girl, it's been a journey. Yes. And sometimes I look at my house and I'm just like, I don't even know. Yeah. Someone could take all this away from me and I could be poor again. Girl.

But I can't be because I bought a house in a great area of los angeles that i will never lose money on and that was half of my thinking everyone's like highland park's coming up and i was like but will highland park be all right when if i have to sell the crazy shit that you have to think about yeah man i i never dumpster dove but i did eat off people's plates when i waitressed because yes they gave me food and i would get fed for free but i would take that home yeah if i wasn't working the next day you know so there was days where i was like all right either i walk 50 blocks ago like meet up with a friend or i just stay at home because I don't have the $2. Yep. Yep. And that, man, I, as a 30-year-old person now, or 32, 33. 30s, 30s.

As a 75-year-old woman, I can't fathom living like that again. It's tough. You worked super hard to get where you are now and here's the thing nicole i've known you for a minute and i first of all you you shiny as fuck you've always been shiny you've always been yeah you know me from like when i started yes yeah comedy in general but you've always been shiny you know thank you and you shine that's the the thing that i truly admire about you, I may have said this to you before,

but I'm telling you so the public will hear. Let it be known. Let the record show that you worked so hard to just be heard. Thank you. That's all. Because you were always funny. You were always talented. You were always talented. You were always special. And all you needed was for people to hear what you had to say. And I'll tell you

right now, back in the day, people were not ready to listen. No, they weren't. Because only one voice was being heard. And it was the straight white male, especially what we were doing at the time. voice was being heard and it was the straight white male uh especially what we were doing at the time improv is a very you know and it was white male environment but you know what you and the doppelganger girls you made a space that was like no now you listen to us and people listened and i mean you should be so proud of yourself, girl. Oh, thank you. Because your journey is rough, and you made it. You made it the other side, you know what I mean?

Thank you. You're special, girl. I love you so much. You know that. Oscar! You know that. Thank you. Those were the days.

I can explain doppelganger to people who don't know what oscar's talking oh yeah oh yeah so i was in a three lady improv group it was me so she was a meta and keisha zahler who uh is works behind the scenes a lot she's on that show the opposition she's a goddess i love her beautiful funny amazing um and we were improvising at uc and we auditioned for Herald Night, their house teams, and the three of us didn't get on and we had been performing at that point. So then we were just like,

oh, well, we could just keep performing and it doesn't matter. Who cares? We don't need that. And then we started doing cage matches as a show at UCB and then we started winning, which was a very rare thing for a non-house team to win. And I think we won for eight weeks.

And then the theater rewarded us. They gave us a show, a weekly show, which was really awesome. And yeah, it was hard. It was just like, yeah, well. And then we thought about not doing it because we're like what if nobody votes for us you know we're like going up against i can't even remember oh i think sandino may have been which was like a house team at the time it was like a bunch of favorites of the theater we were like oh i think we're going up against them and no one's

gonna vote for us yeah it was just like a lot of things where and then we did feel like some people in the community were coming out just to vote against us and we were like this and people will tell me like people have told me otherwise and i was like it's not the feeling you get and you know you win and you watch you know ted in the back with a frown on his face fucking ted again ted is bad ted is an asshole and it was just like it was like oh okay yeah i see what's happening here and it does seem like it's a black white thing yeah and i'm tired of white people being like it's not always about race i'm like a lot of it is but a lot of it is and it might not be for you because you ignore it yes but i can't i can. I can't take the, you know, Rachel Dolezal, she gets to be black when she wants.

Yes. But there's no way Tyrone could be, I identify as white. It doesn't happen. It doesn't work both ways. If I start walking around saying, I identify as white, people will look at me like I was insane. Like, oh, baby. Okay. Like, imagine.

Oh, baby. It was insane. Like, oh, baby. Okay. Like, imagine. Oh, baby. Oscar, imagine you saw me tomorrow, and I have white peach paint on my arms and a cover girl full face of makeup because you know they don't make my color. So even if I use the darkest color, I'd be in white face.

And I said, Oscar, I now identify as a cockamacasia. You would be like, Nicole's lost her mind. I need to contact the authorities. But Rachel Dolezal gets a Netflix special. She does. She does. That's privilege. We hated her and that turned into success for her.

I mean, it's wild. Listen. Really strange. We barely talked about dating. Listen, but you know what? It got racial. It did. And I like it.

Oh, wait, let me ask a question yeah why won't you date me why won't i date you because i like men but putting that aside here's the thing too here's a little fun stupid story about me i came out when i was 17 years old wow i've always knew that i was gay but but I never knew that I liked men, if that makes any sense at all. Yeah, sure. You knew that you didn't like women. You didn't like what we were serving.

Yeah, well, I was like, I'm different. I'm weird. I always knew I was queer in that sense of like I don't fit the normal. So I was also like a dancer. So like that has, you know, I was very much that. But also I was like, I've never slept with a man before. Like, I don't know if I like it.

I was scared of it for a long time. And even while I was gay out, I mean, telling everybody and their mom that I was fucking good gay. I was dating women, Nicole. I was dating women. And yeah, I don't know. Looking back, I was like, why was I living that fantasy? Like, why? And a lot of it was fear.

Fear of like dating people that I was actually attracted to. And there was a sense of comfort dating women because women always liked me. Even to this day, women like, you know,'m i mean there's no question i'm gay as fuck but still women will come up to me and be like i'm attracted to you i have feelings for you you know and i'm like oh damn am i the pied piper of pussy like i can't i don't want it i don't want this flu i think it might be because women feel safe around you i I think so, yeah. You are a kind, funny, just like warm person. Like you walk into a room

and you just bring this warmth with you. So I feel like women feel that and then they go, and he's a man. Yeah. Oh, well maybe this time. Maybe this time I'll be lucky lucky maybe this time he'll stay and he'll fuck me i and i think it's like a delusion yeah when you walk into him because

you and then also you aren't super this might come off off you're not super effeminate and in the way you dress you kind of dress like a fun hip yeah no i don't want to say like you dress like a fun hip straight man but you you don't it's not like i'm not yeah i get it i'm not like presenting yes um super homosexuality i get it i mean yeah for sure i think that's also confusing where you're like well he is wearing you know like a baseball cap right yeah i mean there are dinosaur tattoos yeah so i mean maybe it's maybe it's not gay maybe it's very hip he's got he's got a medusa tattoo yeah i mean i guess yeah i feel that i feel that um however i will say back to why don't why won't I Oscar Montoya

date Nicole Byer is because I've you know I'm I'm not straight but I will say this mmm 15 years ago I would have definitely dated you yeah because you are you would be the perfect type of woman i would have fallen for someone who's an extrovert someone who is just like a positive human being fun funny like alive i can't say that about a lot of people alive like i know what you mean sometimes you talk to people you're like where's the happiness no you dead you got no pulse baby you're done. Yeah. I mean, that's surprisingly the huge amount of people, especially in the comedy community. I'm like, yeah, you're boring. What the hell?

And you're how are you funny and boring? How does that? There's a lot of boring, funny people who are in relationships. And I'm like, they all stare. Nicole, they are all in relationship. Well, here's what I'll say, too. The gender role in the heterosexual, homosexual thing is so wild to me because I do think that women are very forgiving about men. The hottest women will go for the most da fuck men I've ever seen in my life.

Like, how is this acceptable? And you know it's like you got it's the king of queens syndrome you know what I mean like that king of queens what's his name uh Kevin James Kevin James you better believe he got a Netflix special don't never give up how is that possible girl meanwhile like the most gorgeous fun women have to struggle to find any sort of half dead fish i mean to hook up with how is that possible it's wild straight man you need to take care of your woman a lot better straight taking care of you you need to get pedicures and manicures straight man you gotta open up a fucking magazine and buy some outfits straight man you just gotta try that's all but that's the fucked up thing they don't buy some outfits. Straight men, you just gotta try, that's all.

But that's the fucked up thing. They don't try and they still get it. No, yes. They don't try and they still get it. I've seen literal dumpsters with women. Dumpsters with baseball caps. And I'll tell you something. I wanna move to Portland

because I've seen some real trash bag women with some hot men. Oh, is that where the rules change? Yes, the rules are all fucked up in portland i'm telling you portland is a mecca for i mean my kind of guys they all live they all live in portland yes as a matter of fact two men that i dated who are now married to each other live in portland oregon i mean i love portland portland's a curious place though yes portland was founded as a mecca for the KKK up north.

Wait, hold up. What? Yeah, it was. Portland was founded. Again, I might be wrong about this, but I'm pretty sure Portland was founded as a white utopia. What the? Let me look this up. Damn, ain't that a gay.

Ain't that a fucking gay. I'm 99% sure it was founded as a white utopia. And also, their housing rules are very fucked up interesting um also here's a weird thing my friend my one of my dear dear friends uh tessie her husband steven owns a bar called church you should go to it it's very good if you're in portland uh he also owns another one called something else. And you have to serve food until you close in Portland at a bar. No way. Yeah. Oh, that's my kind of place.

In Portland, they think food sobers you up to drive home. And I'm like, Portland, no. That's not right. We should wrap up, though. We've been talking forever. No, I don't want to. Hold on. Let me look up if it's a white mecca.

Wait, Nicole, I have a question for you. Please. Ethnic-wise, what demographic do you typically go for? I used to, okay, the first thing I found was the racist history of Portland, the whitest city in America. Okay, so I am right. Case closed. Ding, ding. ding ding i okay i used to go for white men uh and i have mentioned it before on the piad kias because uh growing up black men would ask me why i spoke the way i spoke and if i thought i was better than

them and they would call me an oreo and i I had a very fleeting relationship with a man from Brooklyn who was black, who was also an active gang member. And I kept being like, can I be a groupie? Can I hang out with you and your friends? And he's like, no, it's too dangerous. And he's like... You will get killed.

Yeah, he was like, you get killed. And I was like, can I just like get jumped in? And he's like, no, Nicole. He's like, he's like, you wouldn't fit in,

in the gang. And, uh, he would, he would routinely, he would just be like, why do you talk the way you talk? And I was like,

oh, I don't need to justify my blackness to anybody. So then I like shied away from black men because I just didn't want, I didn't want to have to be like oh i'm i am black or like code switch or talk a certain way for them to be like oh okay she's cool or whatever um and then i was like white men that's i'd rather be called exotic than not black enough because like to for someone to go you're not black enough. Uh-huh. Because, like, for someone to go, you're not black enough when your skin is, I'm, like, dark.

I'm a dark-skinned woman. And to, like, look down and be like, but how am I not black enough? Yeah. It's like, I'm aware of it. Yeah, like, I can't, I don't get it. And lately I have been like, no, I want to be with a black man i just gotta find the black man who's

right for me because white people keep saying wild things and then i feel like not all white people right but like sometimes you talk to a white person to a point where you're like oh here's where it is here's the t oh my gosh here's why you dig deep enough and you'll find something like there's a lot of like uh misogyny and entitlement and things that i was like oh i didn't know about that yeah but also i'm to the point where men are evil and they're bad all of them every single last man is a bad man. And I don't think I want it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Obviously, I'm kidding, but I'm not.

They're all bad. And then I'm like, well, maybe I date a woman. But on an app, I can't get to her. You know what I'm saying? Because I'm attracted to a woman when I speak to her and I feel something whereas like a man I can look at and be like

eh you look like a dumpster eh maybe you look okay right right and I women is different it's different because like I feel like she could look cool

but then you start talking to her and she's like I mean you're like ooh you don't shut up girl okay and then I do like a little bit of I like masculine women yeah You're like, ooh, you don't shut up, girl. Okay. And then I do like a little bit of, I like masculine women. Yeah.

I like a little masculine energy going on. Yeah, like a boy, the I, if you will. Yes, yes, yes. Yeah, and then I would also date a trans either way. I don't mind. Genitalia isn't a problem for me. Yes, yeah. It's not everything.

I don't fucking care. I say I want a big dick. We can go shopping for a big dick. Ding, ding, ding. I'm just at this point at 78 years old and just looking for I think I'm looking for an emotional connection at this point. And honestly, the longer I do the podcast,

the more I'm like, yes, an emotional connection. I would like a partner. I would like someone. You're ready to settle down. I think I am. I don't want no kids, though. Me neither.

Yeah, gross. Kids are gross. You don't like kids. You really don't want no kids though. Me neither. Yeah, gross. Kids are gross. You don't like kids. You really don't like kids. I mean, they're disgusting. Also, kids. But you did work with kids, yes? I was a nanny for years. Yeah. I mean, me too, and that's why I will never have children. This is the best birth control I've ever had.

Taking care of somebody else's little snot-nosed dummy. Kids are stupid. Do you still talk to that kid? No, but I do miss him. There's one kid that I named Gus that I like, oh, what a dream. I had him from birth to about two or like one and a half-ish.

Oh my God, that's so young. Yes, well, what happened was I was in an improv class with his dad and I was like, I'm unemployed. I'll probably still be unemployed when that baby's born. Turns out, when you don't try you don't get a job so he was like yeah i trust you and i like went over there i think he was like 10 days old his mom put him me put him in my arms and he was like kind of fussing and then he just kind of like looked at me and fell asleep and i was like oh boy this is meant to be and it

truly it was yeah he had a big, so he couldn't crawl early. Oh, my God. So I would put him in this donut, and he would look at me, and I'd go, all right, Gus, this is what happened today. I think I met a man. Like, he just had to listen to me, so I talked to him a lot. So then he learned how to talk pretty early, because I talked to him so much. Because I'm pretty, I'll just talk. And when he found out farts were funny, that was a good time.

Oh, my gosh. We were sitting on the front stoop because I would walk around with him outside and he was like drinking his bottle. He was like, toot. And I went, huh. And then he went, huh? And then we're like, huh? And then we're like, ha, ha, ha. So stupid.

My favorite thing to do with him was take him to whole foods push him around make a just hold my phone in my ear and be like carl everybody thinks he's adopted nobody thinks he's mine everyone thinks i'm the nanny why did we adopt a white baby i just and then like people would just be like oh my gosh and then once I did it at uh not the Whole Foods because I did it

only like three times at Whole Foods but I was like people will catch on to this we were in um I think I took them

to Mandy's there's some Mandy's Mandy's with the two E's at the end yeah I'm like 96 in Broadway it's probably closed now

we were in Mandy's and I did it in there and this woman was like, I knew that was your baby. I see you. I see you. I see you and I know he's yours.

And I was like, 20 at the time. Like I was just like, 20 year old or 22 year old woman screaming, yeah, 22,

screaming about people not thinking her baby is hers come on obviously she's a babysitter obviously alright what happened with Gus now he lives in

he lives in the bay area how old is he now probably let's see my dad died in L8 that's when I started doing improv. I probably started babysitting him in 2009 or 2010-ish. So he's like seven or eight. Okay.

Oh, God, he's still a kid. Yeah, he's a little boy. Aw. I haven't seen him in years. Aw. Once he pointed to an O magazine, I went, you? Oh, God. Nah, buddy.

Kids say the darndest things. i ain't oprah if i was oprah i wouldn't be here oscar do you have anything you want to promote because we could talk for hours we really i don't think marissa would be happy about that she said i want to go home i don't like this um i have a podcast um listen to it. It's called Inside the Disney Vault. I'm on a mission to watch every single Disney animated movie in chronological order and talk about it. There is a segment that I do in the podcast where I have a lot of tattoos on my body. And I pick a random thing from a movie and I say I want to put it in my body. I actually have one tattoo from a movie and it's from Song of put it in my body and I've done it to I actually have one tattoo

from a movie and it's from Song of the South which is hilarious but I really like it. So wait you have Disney tattoos? I have one Disney tattoo and it's from Song of the South. I love it. Yeah and it's this beautiful lace collar over here on my Bracchia store. Yes! Good!

Anyway so yeah check it out inside the Disney Vault. It's really fun, it's really great I gotta have you on, Nicole Please! But I'll wait for a really fucking stunner of a movie Please, what movie are you up to? Trash! We're up to Chicken Little right now

Chicken Little? Oh, so you're pretty far Oh, we're real far, yeah What's after Chicken Run? Chicken Little Chicken Run is that stop motion animation. Wrong chicken movie, girl. Wait, when was Chicken Little? When did that come out?

Chicken Little was with Zach Braff, and that came out in like 2004. Okay, so you are far. Yeah. What's Chicken Run? Chicken Run is a stop motion animation movie with Mel Gibson as the voice of the main character. Yes, and we've come full circle. I'm on a quest to ruin his career. Yeah, well.

I talk about it in my hour of stand-up how bad he is. Good luck, girl. I'm on a quest. I hate him. Okay, if you liked Why Won't You Date Me, you gotta... You gotta subscribe on iTunes or wherever you listen to podcasts.

If you read or if you leave a review where you say something nasty, I will read it. This is from Jim. Jim said, raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens and orally pleasuring a woman are a few of my favorite things. I just want to go down on you and make you come. Nothing more, nothing less. I am clean, respectful, discreet, and sane. I disagree with that last one.

How are you going to start a review or just a letter referencing the sound of music? I don't know, but I almost was like, maybe I message this person back? Are you going to? No. Leave it alone, girl. Leave it alone. No, I I almost was like, maybe I message this person back. Are you going to? No. No, leave it alone, girl.

Leave it alone. No, I leave him alone. All right, Oscar. Thank you so much for being here. I love you. I love you. And I can't wait to do the next iteration. I will be at next UCB Drag Race, or I'll be at the third one.

I don't remember. She'll be inside. She is a co-host. I do a great thing where I go, I'm coming. And then I go, go actually I'm not I'm really trying to grapple with overworking myself and

and over promising yeah okay thank you bye bye This has been a Team Coco production.