Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Raw, Unadulterated Fun (w/ D'Arcy Carden)

Episode Date: December 17, 2021

Friend, actress, and comedian D’Arcy Carden (The Good Place, Barry) joins Nicole live for some raw, unadulterated fun! They check in on how they've been handling the pandemie, the adorable details ��behind D'Arcy's 15 year relationship, microdosing on shrooms, and oh boy really so much more. We had a big teeheehee. Originally recorded January 6th, 2021. Today is the last day to vote for our Fan Favs  list! Vote for your favorite pod episodes at teamcoco.com/datemevote Watch Nicole's new Netflix special  BBW (Big Beautiful Weirdo) Black Lives Matter. Click here for a list of over 100 different ways you can support racial justice.   Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerNew Merch Store! podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Oh, hi, hello, boy, oh, boy, the why won't you date me holidays continue as a special treat until the end of the year. I'm releasing my ticketed live stream episodes free from behind the paywall. On this episode, I talked to my good friend, Darcy Carden. We are sipping wine and we had a great time. She's one of my favorite people. She honestly, we've been improvising for such a long time together. I mean, we haven't in a while because of the whole pandemic or whatever, but she's perfect and I love her.

Okay. This episode was originally recorded January 6th, 2021. Isn't that a wild day? It was the insurrection. I still can't believe that happened. By the way, today, December 17th is the last day to vote for your favorite Why Won't You Date Me episodes for our fan favorites list. Cast your vote at teamcoco.com slash datemevote. That's teamcoco.com backslash datemevote.

Or find the link in the episode description. Okay, time for the episode. Let's hear that theme song. Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why. Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. It's me, Nicole Byer, and this is a live virtual episode of Why Won't You Date Me? Okay, so today was like a wild day. I'll just like say that up top.

It was a wild day. Also, if you didn't think those people were capable of the wild bullshit they did, I don't know where you've been. And that's all I got to say about that. Also, yes, there's a manger behind me. I don't like the holidays, but the nice man who lives with me does, and so does John Malheiser. Anywho, let's introduce my guest. Ooh, baby, she's been on Brass City. She's been on Barry. She is Emmy-fucking-nominated for The Good Place. She's gonna be in the upcoming television adaptation of A League of Our Own.

I believe it's on Amazon. I like her so dang much. We also do improv on Sundays when the world is okay. It's Darcy Carden. That was such a good one. Oh, God, I love you so much. Darcy. Yeah, that was invigorating. I need it. I needed it. It is a fun song. Mars, my producer, we recorded it and she was like, do you want to do it again? I did it one more time. She's like, do you want to try it one more time? And I was like, nope, cut and print. I do remember the first time I listened to this,

which I think was probably the first episode. I thought you were just doing it live. I thought it was just I was like, oh, she's going to just do the theme song new and fresh every time because that was clearly live on the first take. I mean, I think that's what a lot of people think. I'm just like in a studio singing off key. But no, I recorded it off key. Good. And you've done truly thousands and thousands of episodes. I don't know how many episodes.

It feels like this has been running for a long time, huh? It does feel as such. And I don't know. I feel like I just hit my 100th episode, but that can't be true. Yes, it can. Yes. Okay, hold on. Yes, it can.

I know. Actually, because I was about to say, because there are blank amount of weeks in a year. Yes. And the blank number is one that I can't remember or maybe have never known. 54. There's 54 weeks in a year and 365 days in a year. Yeah. Because there's 360 in a circle.

Oh, yeah. Isn't that fucked? Yes. Why do we do that? Those numbers are so... Wait, actually, actually, hold on. Okay, wait. So it's 365 days in a year.

Yes. But 360 degrees. Yes. Right? Yes. And then what's that Whole Foods place called? That's 360. Why isn't it 365? Oh, wait. No, it is 365. And why is it 360? I won't go to that place because I'm like, I can't remember the name of it. I don't go either. I don't go specifically

because I went once and their chicken didn't look good. It looked a little gray. And I was like, I can't buy gray chicken. No, thank you. I don't want it. I don't want it. No, your chicken's gray. You can keep it. Yes.

Darcy, I have a question. Your hair is fantastic. Did you get like a nice balayage before lockdown almost a year ago? And it's just grown out nicely? Or are you getting it done? Okay, let's talk about this right before the emmys remember when we were nominated for the oh my god that was stolen from us that like moment was stolen oh oh by by yes yes by the people who won. They stole it from RuPaul, snuck it into the Emmy House and stole the Emmy. Yeah, that was what a weird. I mean, yeah, what a nice little.

Oh, God. I mean, it's like it was a nice way to break up a strange year. But it was it was, you know, it was weird. Right. And I feel very shallow about this. But I was like, I wanted to go to the ceremony and I wanted to wear a fabulous dress and I wanted people to fawn over me. Well, the good news is you will have seven million more chances to do that. I think you'll be nominated for something every God damn year.

From your lips to the Emmy committee's ears. I also think you'll be nominated again. You're so fabulous. Nicole, thanks. Thanks. But yeah, it was it was it was pretty silly. Well, I mean, you got to do the hosting. It was it was what a weird what a weird anyway, my hair. OK, so yes, my friend Nina, who is a great colorist and she works in a salon in, you know, West Hollywood or whatever. When everything happened, she made her sort of like garage front yard into a real like a real salon. And I mean, like she did a great job with it. It was like, I wish I could show you a picture. She it was like she was a doctor.

The, like, the stuff she came out, she, like, I never saw her skin. She was wearing like a, like a, um, like a, uh, outer space helmet. What would you call it? I have one. An astronaut helmet. Yes, I do. It truly, it's very big. It's very bulky. Everybody who's seen me in it has laughed very hard for a very long time, but I'm not going to get COVID. I don't want it. I don't want it either. And I don't want, I don't want anything to do with it. And so far. Yeah. So that was my, um, I guess that might've been my one, like in indulgence that I could have gone without because there's so many things that people haven't that so many things in this

last you know 10 months or whatever where my main question is like you couldn't have not done that yeah yeah had to do that like because there's so many things I want to do there's so many things we all want to do but you just go like is it worth it right now this one could I have not gotten a damn balayage? I sure couldn't have. I sure could have not. I sure could not have. Yes.

But it felt really safe and she was safe and, and you know, it was only me and her. I feel like if things are safe and you feel comfortable doing it and you're not putting anyone else at risk, then like, why not do it? Yeah.

Yeah. But all these gays in Mexico capsizing boats and going to circuit parties. Boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy. There's a circuit party that's going to happen next year and for the rest of your life. That's what I don't get. Parties will exist forever. You can always go to one. Yeah, and they're going to be bigger

and better after this whole thing's done. I can't wait to party. I can't wait to party. Darcy, I cannot wait to get like rip-roaring drunk with a bunch of nice people. Me too. Maybe taste their cocktail. No, I'm kidding. I don't think I don't know if I'll do that ever again, but maybe I will.

I don't know. I think you will. I think we will. I want to taste someone's cocktail. I also want. I long to taste someone's cocktail. I long to taste someone's cocktail. I also long to taste. You know where I'm going. Somebody's cock. Although I think I got asked out on a date today. a dating app and we were just going back and forth for maybe a week. And then he asked me about Cobra Kai,

which I guess is a Netflix show. And then I just said, never seen it. Cause I was like, I can't, I don't know you enough to just sit here and just like banter. I don't know. And then he today said,

uh, how do you feel about a social distance picnics? And I was like, I am very much for them. So I think he's going to ask me on a social distance picnic or he's taking a sensor, a survey, a survey, a sensor. I meant a census. Yeah, that's I you're. Wait. Also, this is just a major side note, like sensor census. Don't you find that your brain is absolute mush these days? Yes.

I have trouble speaking. The other day, the other day, the nice man who lives with me was making tea. And he's like, do you want tea? And I took it and I went, ow, hot drink, too hot. And he was like, what? And I was like, hot drink. I couldn't hot drink. Couldn't figure out tea. The easiest word. Hot drink,

too hot. Yeah. Okay. Wait, back to Guy. Yeah. It sounds like he's about to ask you out. That would be great, right? Yes. And I'm having the screws taken out of my ankle on the 25th. And I technically can like have someone drive me to my date like a child. Right. Drop me off at the park. I'm going to have a picnic. But I guess I should disclose to this person that like I'm not available for picnics until February. I think so. Right. Yeah. Oh, OK. Wait, the 25th. So the end of this month, you'll have it off. Okay, great. So February 1st, you're going on a picnic date. Oh, baby, I can't wait. I just I'm longing for attention from a man. You have a man. Is it nice? The attention from a man? Yeah, it's nice. Yeah. Yeah. I mean,

it's attention is nice from a person right i think so does this does this noise bug you uh it doesn't bug me but okay cool is that's like i don't notice if i have a visual i don't really notice sounds if that makes sense okay but if i have zero visual it makes me very upset when I hear things. I'll try not to do this. Because there's really no need. There's absolutely no need. But I mean, if you need to do it, you can do it.

I don't mind. Thanks, Byer. Oh, you're welcome. Yeah, it's nice. I mean, you know, I live with my husband. And we've lived together for, you know, over a day, over a decade. We're good at living together and, you know, not to brag to the world, but being locked in a house with somebody that you like love chilling with has been pretty great. I mean, you can brag all you want.

That is such a delightful thing. When the first time I saw you guys together, I was like, dang, they like love each other. Well, you know, sometimes you meet couples, you're like, I don't even know if they like each other. But like, you guys just like have a nice shorthand, I feel. And like, I don't know, you just interact with each other in a nice loving way. And you're both so supportive of each other. don't know it's just really really sweet and i like it thank you that's so nice we work on it and it's it just it um you know we're relationships you know they're not like their work they take some work you know and when we get into a place where we need to like communicate better we we realize that and tell each other and usually fixes things. We just I think I lucked out because we always liked hanging out together. That was how we how we started was just like, oh, I can't get enough of hanging out with this guy. My you know, how did you meet? We wait. What are you drinking?

Oh, so I decided to have a little drink. It is a Sophia Brut Rose in a can. That's great. Cheers to you. Oh, I like that. I did a little red wine, but I have all those little cans of cocktails. I never think about them. Okay.

Jason and I met one trillion years ago when we were both, Jason's a producer, but when we met, we were both actors and he, he and I were cast in a play together, which is, Oh, I guess I should also say we met briefly, very briefly at Disneyland one day, which is a weird, it sounds like we're like Disney people. We just, we, I was going to Disneyland with a group of friends. No, I was going to, he was going to Disneyland with his, with his group of friends. And I was like friends with one of the friends from out of town. So I, we, so we did have a Disneyland day together and I really liked him that day when this director asked me to be in a play, he said that guy, Jason, that was at Disneyland with us is going to be in it. And I remember being like, I really

liked him. I wasn't like, I'm going to like bone him. But I was like, I really like that guy. And and so then we did this play together and we just sort of immediately were inseparable, truly like best friend, can't get enough of each other. And then, you know, that turned into hardcore make out. That's so cute. Were you like, uh, what was the play? If you don't mind,

it was an original play. And what was the name of it? Hold on. Let me just picture the, it was called, Oh, it was called let's go to the movies. And it was a musical.

And it was, you know, it was fun at the time. I don't know if it's good. It was good when we, you know what I mean? It was like, do you know when you do a play and you're like, God, this is great. And then you look back on it and, you know, it was fun at the time. I don't know if it's good. It was good when we, you know what I mean? It was like, do you know when you do a play and you're like, God, this is great. And then you look back on it and you're like, was that good? Like every, you know, every like high school play, you're like, no, but we actually were really,

really good. And then you think back on it and you're like, that's, that's humiliating. I was playing an 80 year old woman. I have that thought every time I think back about acting skill and all the scenes that we did. I was like, so one of my favorite scenes I did, I played Madam Akari and Blythe Spirit by Noel Coward. And I have the tape somewhere. I think it's in storage so I could actually see if it was good or not. But like in the moment, I was like, I am the funniest and my English accent cannot be beat.

I'm the same. My like top acting experience and still to this day, like my highest high of acting was playing Sally Bowles in Cabaret in college. And I cut my hair into like, I had, I cut like bangs. It was like a, you know, page boy or whatever to really look like the time. And I took it really seriously. And I was like, I'm the best at this role. No one's ever been better. And I, and I am like, if I were to watch those tapes, I would be very sad because they, they wouldn't be good. They simply wouldn't be good.

Oh, this is cute. I feel like Nicole is just smiling at me so hard, but I think she's frozen. So I guess I'll entertain. Your face looks cute, at least. You've frozen like a very... Oh, Christ. Can you imagine? This is like... This is a nightmare. I mean, it's actually fine. I'll be fine, but... You're breaking up. Is it me or is it you? This is... My internet is bad. there's a man outside oh my god it was my friend dropping off cookies

and it fucking scared me. It was so many levels. So many levels. Oh my god. Well, because I have like fun little string lights outside so I

can see in the dark. And then I saw something moving and I was like, my dogs? And I was like, no, my dogs are inside. And then I saw something moving and I was like, my dogs. And I was like, no, my dogs are inside. And then I was like, a man. Goddamn, that was. Oh, boy. Necessary. And that's life.

Do you have footage? Do you have footage of you playing Sally Bowles? Yes. And I and I'm and I'm like, I'm terrified to watch it. Like, I don't think I should ever watch it. I honestly think you should. I really. Yes.

I mean, once I get my stuff out of storage, I fully plan on watching them or converting them because they're VHSs. Or no, maybe DVDs. I don't know. I don't have a DVD player. So I'd have to have someone extract them from the disc. Yes. I don't know. Possible.

Is that a thing? I mean, not that you could do, but no, no, no. Yeah. You could say here, good man, take my money and do it. Take my money, please. I don't know how. Oh, so your British accent was really good. Thank you. It's it's so bad. I wish I could do accents, but I can't. Maybe if I got like a coach. Yeah. I fell yesterday as I fell because I was crutching up the stairs. And I was like, I can do it by myself.

So the nice man who lives with me took my scooter upstairs because I needed to start my car because it hasn't been driven in a month and a half. So I started it, ran it for 10 minutes, and was crutching up the stairs. And I don't know how it happened, but I like missed the step and then started going forward. And I was like, well, I can't change this. What's happening? Yeah. I was like, what's happening? And I was like, oh, the story I'm starting to tell. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But you can't. That's the only way you can get upstairs, right? Is sort of hobble up. It's either use the crutches or sit down and like pull yourself up.

I mean, I'm kind of into that. I, that's how we get upstairs to go to my bed. And that's fun. I can't wait until this is over until you have what you have three more weeks until those pins come out. Yes.

Yes. I feel like a groundhog. Like I went to the doctor, the groundhog saw a shadow and I have three more weeks in this boot. Also your face for me, I don't know what the audience sees just froze and, but you're back now, but in like such a cute little, like you were like this, I'm going to do it. You were like, my face does a lot of weird things. I feel like that's why kids like me because I look like a cartoon. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you are. You are. You're very expressive. You're very expressive. Thank you. Kids do like you, don't they? My niece and nephew are obsessed with you.

And I've truly just. At first, I was like, this is wild, but I've kind of learned to embrace it. And I'm happy to talk to kids because once you break the ice, they're funny. Yeah. Some of them are, some of them suck. Some of them are very, very bad and I don't like them. Yeah. Some of them are great. Most of them are great. Most of them are better now than they will be as adults, but some of them as kids still suck. Yeah. I don't like snotty kids. Right. With like two little dribbles and I'm like, oh, actual snot. Yes. Yeah. I know. You know, it's funny though. I, when I was in high school, I was a swimming teacher

for a few summers. And I think it was like sophomore year summer, junior year summer, and then senior year summer. I was like, I can't deal with the snot again. It was like the snot. The money was good. I got to like be outside in a pool all day. But I was like, the snot is so disgusting. Yeah, I couldn't deal with that. I am.

Well, it's been announced. So I'm co-hosting Wipeout with John Cena. And that's so exciting. He's a dream. I imagine you guys have crazy chemistry. He's the nicest man in America. He's so kind, so nice. I think we

have pretty decent chemistry. We both like make each other laugh. Great. But one of the courses has water and like one person just like came up from the water and there was like snot and then they like blew their nose and i was like oh yucky yucky yucky yucky barf full barf yeah it made me so upset but then i was like oh every like public pool i've ever been in yeah somebody probably

did that this person like it's like they came up with snot and then instead of like sort of hiding it they blew it yeah i hope they lost i don't remember if they did or not but i will say this it was like but then you were like oh this is the hardest thing i've ever seen in my life so like yeah yeah yeah okay yeah that's a good point that's a good point like this person is like exerting themselves physically and they're like yeah i going to blow my snot out. Yeah. They were like, I just need to relieve the snot from my nose. And I was like, I get it. Gross. But like, okay, cool.

You're on camera. Are you shooting right now? Or did you guys wrap? We, uh, okay. So for League of their own. Yeah. Can you say or no? I can say.

Okay. We ain't shooting. They, we're, we're, um, we um we oh speaking of we go their own you gotta read you gotta read books about baseball baby i love it see you're doing your homework well i have a lot of time to do it right now because sometimes don't you feel like you go into a project and you're like on the day of you're like shit god damn it i didn't do enough work this time i'm like i have a good long year to read every book that has ever been written about baseball uh-huh um so we shot the pilot right before covid hit our fair country and um and now we will shoot the rest of it like later this year or soon this year, but there's,

they're, they're writing it right now. I I've, I've zoomed with the writer's room. They're awesome. It's like a great, great, great cast,

great writer's room. I'm I, I truly can't wait to, to get back there. It was really fun. I'm excited. Cause the cast looks so sick. I was like,

Ooh, they truly got every good person. Oh, that's great. Yeah. I'm so excited about the cast. I got, I got,

it was such a, it was such a fun, you know, like, I mean, okay, so you and I are on, have been on an improv team together for years and years and years. And like the, there's a similar dynamic because we were playing baseball together for months. What I mean is we were like a team. We became a team. Oh. You know the way like with our improv team, I don't know, just when you're on a team and you see the same people, you kind of can like read each other's minds a little bit and you have like a chemistry that again, like sometimes

you get cast in something and you walk onto the set and you're like, nice to meet you. Now we're going to pretend that we have known each other for our whole lives. But this is, this made it a lot easier. We really got to like get to know each other really well as a team so much so that like once we started, like once we got to set, I was almost like, oh yeah, this is for a pilot. This isn't because we're like a baseball team. You like won't say your lines

because you're like, we're playing baseball. This is a baseball team. Yeah. What are you people doing? I've never had to do like anything. I don't know if that makes any sense. Like I've never played like a baseball player. I've never played any sort of athlete where I'm like, I don't know what's going on.

Everything I play is like just like a lady who's horny. And that's great. Don't got to do no research about that. That's great. That's great. Don't got to do no. Oh, my wine just went straight to my mouth. I love it.

I love it. Get loose. Loosely. Exactly. Darcy. Darcy. um so you and your husband have been together for over a decade you said right yeah we we got we are our our our our our our our wedding anniversary was 10 years ago this summer wow and we were together a few years before that obviously obviously. So, yeah, it's been I mean, it's been maybe 15 years.

Disgusting, insane, crazy. How, how, how? I love this is sweet. And you guys lived you've moved states together like it's I love it. It's so nice. So wait, 15 years. So, you know, is it rude to ask? Is he your only boyfriend you've ever had in your whole entire life?

Because you're not old. Great. That's true. I'm so, so young. It's crazy. No, he's not the only boyfriend I've ever had. I was like a real, you know, a real, like, high school dater. Ooh.

I don't know that life. Okay. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Although I'm surprised by that. I think you would have cleaned up in high school. No. I mean, I know you didn't because you say you didn't, but I'm like, the hell were those people doing?

Well, she had a bad haircut. She wore weird glasses. I broke the little, the things that rest on your nose. I didn't like them, so I broke them off, and I was like, that looks better, but that does not look better. It looks really wild. And then,

uh, yeah, I was always doing weird shit with my hair and I was like very loud and maybe scared men more so than, than now. Right, right, right,

right, right. A little like, uh, they, and that's an intimidation thing, I think meaning like, yeah,

men are easily intimidated. Yeah. I was like 17, loud, assertive, and like super happy with who I was. But then also full of zits. So it's like, oh boy, she's very confident. I don't know what to make of her. And I'm not saying having zits makes you less confident. I'm just saying society-wise, sometimes it does. But not this one. This lady was very, very, less confident. I'm just saying society wise, sometimes it does, but not this one. This

lady was very, very, very confident. Also, I'm confident because I have press on nails and they make me feel so. Yeah. Kind of like normal. Sexy. Well, I had nails before lockdown and like an idiot right before lockdown. I went and got my nails done because I was like two weeks. Right. Right. Of course. Of course. That was a smart move.

I don't I don't disagree with that. Oh, almost a year later. I can't believe I thought I was going to be two weeks. I know that everybody on Earth has had this conversation, but that two week conversation was so funny because I was like, really, why? I just I remember like that, you know, whatever that Friday was, the 13th or whatever that was. And Jason and I sitting on the couch and just being like, wow, what are we going to do for two weeks, man? Yeah.

John and I made, we did like a video where we lip sync. We had a whole lip sync competition, I think three weeks in because we were like, we're losing our minds. And now it's January. And yes, it is. I feel like my mind is just perma-locked. Like, I don't know what, I mean, I don't imagine the world's going to like open up just like one day and we're going to be like thrown into it. But I can't imagine having to go to multiple places and like make it on time. Impossible. Yeah, I know. I know. That was that was that was another like early on realization

where the day that I realized like, oh, this isn't going to be it wasn't like I had come to accept this wasn't going to be two weeks. But then the day that I was like, oh, the vaccine isn't going to be like just one day everybody gets it. And then the next day the world

like like kind of all all those all those like levels of dealing with the reality of what it really was. It was, it, you know, I'm, I'm overly positive and overly optimistic about, I guess, everything in the world. And, and Jason is kind of the opposite. And we tend to like balance each other. And, uh, and, and I remember being like, man, two weeks. And he was like, I think it's going to be longer than two weeks. And I was like, OK, three weeks. And he was like, I think it's going to be like through the summer. And I was like, you're crazy. There is no way it's going to be through the summer. And here we are. And here we are. It's January 6th and we're still not allowed outside.

One in five people in Loseles who get tested test positive isn't that nice it's worse than ever i can't even wrap my head around it i can't i can't i just i just like so much in a way where i was driving to the doctor with sashir and i counted five cars and i was like one of those people hasn't she was like Nicole, one person in everyone tested. So there's a pop, like there's a part of the population that hasn't been tested. And I was like, oh, wait. So is it more than that? It could be more than that or it could be less than that. So like if more people get tested and there's less positives, then that would bring down that one in five. But like, it's still wild. It's insane.

I would trust anything Sashir told me, I think. She's very smart. And she deals with me and I don't know why. Yeah, so it's been a while. And we're chugging along. I I mean both in um life and in this this this year or I mean now it's now it's next year yeah it's next year it feels insane I keep writing 2020 on things but you know that's to be expected gotta write it everywhere. Yeah, I was just writing it on my wall, doing my equations, just writing 2020. Jason did just write,

not on the wall, but he took a pen the other day and he started writing on our sliding glass door. And that's our 2021. It won't last forever, but this is where we're writing our daily to-do list. Oh, I like that. It's kind of great.

It's like really in your face. Yeah, it's in your face. And oh, no, my audio is bad again. OK, what if I stop? No, audio is good. Oh, wait, my audio is good. Video is bad. My video is bad.

I'm going to stop my camera. Did I do it? I did it. Is it? Am I back? It's a little bad. It's so funny, like Zoom life and StreamYard life and FaceTime life and everything,

because like I, I mean, this is the dumbest thing that anyone's ever said, but like I'm not ever freezing in my, okay, how do I put this without sounding like I'm absolutely high on like mushrooms? I don't know if I'm freezing. No, I get it. You're not freezing. Yeah. Yes. So it's very like, um, okay, good. I know you would. It's very, um,

like very surreal or whatever. When someone's like, oh, you're freezing. You're like, but how your audio is bad, but how I can hear me. Um, okay, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. I feel fully the same way because I am just here and they're like, your video is bad. But I'm like, but I'm here. What do you mean my computer has forsaken me? I mean, oh boy, I have mushrooms and I keep meaning to take them and I keep forgetting. You know what? I do too. And I've actually never taken them, which is crazy. They're fun. I've heard nothing but good things. They're very fun.

If you take a little, you just are like pleasant and happy and like a good, it's like a nice talking. If you take a little bit more, you're still pretty happy and then maybe giggly. And then if you take enough, your trees will talk to you and try to hug you. And then you go, no trees. I don't want to hug you. Real quick, we're going to have to take a break. And we'll have more with Darcy right after this.

It's funny like that I think I think um you know Nancy Reagan or whoever did like such a good job with say no to drugs that I I growing up I was like you take mushrooms and the clouds talk to you and your brain will never be the same so stay away and now I'm like oh all of my friends do mushrooms all day every day everyone's just taking like a oh, all of my friends do mushrooms all day, every day. Everyone's just taking like a little tiny bite of mushrooms every single day. Uh-huh. Yeah. Micro dosing.

It's delightful. I personally, I just, I love, I love mushrooms. I think they're delightful. And I once took them while I was on a date. We went and saw Spies in Disguise. It was a truly wonderful date. He was like, I'm not tripping as he was like gripping the seats,

like the armrest. And I was like, okay, you're trying to not fly away. You're definitely tripping. And, and I went to the bathroom and this was at the Grove maybe. And there's like fake wood in the bathroom stall, like the bathroom stalls made out of this like fake wood. And I was sitting there and I was like,

oh my God, the woods dancing. So then I was dancing with the wood. And then I was like, oh wait, I have to go see the movie. And then I just couldn't stop laughing. I love mushrooms so much. They're delightful. That sounds great. Was that a date that you went on again? Or was that someone that you saw again? Yeah, we dated for three months, I believe, before he was like, I can't give you what you want. I don't know if I believe in monogamy. Goodbye.

And I was like, okay, well, goodbye. Goodbye. And then that's when I decided I would die before I told a man how I feel. Stop. People say that's not good, but that's what it is. You're like, that's what I learned. I mean, I mean, it isn't good, but it's also like if the world is telling you that, then you're like, well, great.

I will learn to adapt. Mm hmm. Yeah. I just feel like every time I tell a man how I feel, he's like, well, great. I will learn to adapt. Yeah. I just feel like every time I tell a man how I feel, he's like, whoa, uh, too intense. Goodbye. The only time it's ever been like a good thing was like two years ago. I was like, what's happening? Are you talking to other people? And he was like, no, I told my friends about you. And I was like, sick. Let's, uh, let's not date anybody else. He was like, yay. And then his ex-girlfriend came back to town and I was like, OK, well, you know, this I don't know. This is

so like out of my control. I can't even handle it. Yeah. Like like ex-girlfriend came back to town and he was like, I got to see her or she or she just was in his life again. Yeah. She was just like in his life again. And he was like, I'm not over her. It's not fair to you, which is like a very adult thing to say. But totally. She rude. I mean, that is hard, right? Yeah, I her. It's not fair to you, which is like a very adult thing to say. But totally. She rude. I mean, that is hard, right? Yeah, I know. That's hard. That's hard because you can't be like, no, me feel for me stronger. Lee, it's like it is all about feelings and all about like that person's truth. But damn, that's that hurts, you know? Yeah. And he took me out for ice cream after he was like, I think I'm going to date her again or whatever. And I Yeah. And he took me out for ice cream after he was like,

I think I'm going to date her again or whatever. And I was like, he brought me to my favorite ice cream place, which I was like, yay. And then the more I thought about it, I was like, did he just bring me here? Because he knew I wouldn't cry at an ice cream place. Hold on. You tricky dick. Right?

Like it's who wants, no one's going to cry at an ice cream place, especially a fat lady crying at an ice cream place. That's the saddest thing anyone's ever seen. Your very favorite ice cream place. He knew exactly what he was doing. Yes. Rest in peace. It was Ample Hills Creamery on Hillhurst.

I got ooey gooey butter cake and PB Cup wins the PB Cup wins. I think that's the name of it. That would be my favorite, too. It closed. Well, yeah, I don't even know that place. Yeah, it was here for a hot second and then it closed and then it switched owners. So now I don't talk about them anymore. Because my allegiance is with the owners of the ice cream, which is insane.

I barely know them, but they're so nice. Well, I like that. I respect that. I'm a Jenny's gal myself. Do you know that place? Jenny's? Oh, yeah, I know Jenny's. I have a huge's gal myself. Do you know that place? Jenny's? Oh yeah. I know Jenny's. I have a huge problem with them. Um, I think I've said it on the podcast before, but just to like really get

into it, I went there and I said, may I have half a scoop? They said, we don't do half scoops. And I was like, we'll just put a little less in the scoop. And they're like, no, we don't do that. We have to give you a full scoop. And I was like, well, I have a problem with like, like portion control. So like my way of doing that is asking you for half the scoop and they wouldn't do it. So I hate Jennys

and I will hate them forever. I hate them now too. Yeah. I mean, to me, that's that. It's the one. Also, just so you know, for me again,

I don't know if the audience saw this, but you had a great freeze where you were like this. And I will hate them forever. Oh, no. Oh, no. This is terrible. How do I make my internet better?

I don't know. I paid Spectrum extra money. Well, get them over there. Well, they said my internet was going to be good. I know. God, you. Oh, boy. It's like, what?

It's out of, hey, what can we do? What can you do? I'm going to be good. I know. Oh, boy. It's like what it's out of a what can we do? What can you do? I'm going to refresh this one last time and see if you can. Yeah, yeah, you can't wait. Whatever, whatever. You're reading the chat. I'm going to do that. Yeah, I'm going to do the browser refresh people listening and watching. I'm so sorry. But honestly, this is like pretty on game for me. Last last live episode I did, I had to play my theme song from my phone because I saw it, which is Wayne's World. And I remember Wayne, the titular role, was really confident and outgoing. And, oh, here comes Nicole. And then Garth was a little more shy

and a little more socially awkward. And Wayne would talk to the camera and a couple of times he would like leave, walk away from the camera, and then it would be on Garth. And times he would like leave, walk away from the camera and then it would be on Garth and Garth would be like, he'd be like, and he would kind of, okay.

Anyway, Nicole's back so we can stop. But whenever you leave- Wait, what are you talking about? I know, I know, I know. I'm, I'm, do you, did you ever see Wayne's World? No. I, here's the thing.

I think it's great. Like, I think it's really great, but I also haven't watched it in well over a decade. I don't know. I'm so sorry to have left you alone. It's okay. It's okay. Please. I would be happy to talk to the Why Won't You Date Me audience at length at any time. Well, let's talk to them now. Let's do questions. I know it's a little early to do questions, but my internet is so terrible.

Wait, okay. They said, honestly, the only thing that's going to fix is a full restart of the computer because the audio is so terrible. Wait, okay, they said, honestly, the only thing that's gonna fix is a full restart of the computer because the audio is coming through. It's just my picture's a little glitchy. Okay, Darcy, do you wanna be alone for a little bit? Or- Do you want me to? I can do it.

I guess I can- Are you sure? Would it make, should I answer a question? Yes, that works. I love that. Okay, I shall be back. And if you give me a question yes that works okay i love that okay i shall be back and if you give me a question and it's scary or it's one that i think maybe it should be nicole okay what's your favorite album right now great okay joe wilde asks hey guys what's your favorite album right now both nicole

and darcy um okay so what have i been listening to a ton you know what have I been listening to a ton? You know what I've been listening to so much during quarantine and, and it's one, it's an album that both my husband, I was going to say, like, I don't know what I was going to say. Living partner, like the person that lives in this house with me. So we, you know, ears are open. Oh God, I'm, drinking wine um we we love it equally so we play it all the time and it is women in music part three by heim it's heim's third album it's a damn banger top to bottom um although there is one tiny part where you hear like an alarm in the background like it goes like meh meh like, and every time that comes on, Jason and I go, no, I'm no, no, I'm no. Like, it sounds like it's waking us up. It's an alarm that

would wake you up. Okay. I am a little bit drunk. This is the other thing is I don't drink very much anymore because I don't go out. And so when I have even just a little bit of wine, even just a little bit of wine. Oh boy. Oh boy. Okay. So I'm really enjoying, um, Heim and I'm just getting any, okay. Um, um, um, um, and I've been listening to, no, no, no, we can move on. You guys, I'm sweating. I get a little sweaty when, when I get overly excited on zoom. And right now I'm, well, I'm on stream yard, but that's the same as zoom really. Okay. So Eddie says, hi. So my question is for both Nicole and Darcy. Okay, I'm going to ask you to check the spelling of my name because it's double wrong, but I still love you, Eddie.

Who are you in? Okay, this is huge. Who are you in the Trixie Mattel and Katja duo? Now, this is totally a Nicole question. So much so that I don't even feel like I can answer it without her. Yeah, let's go to the next. But Eddie, we'll get you. Or we won't.

You know, I'm not in charge. Hey, girl. She's back. Hi, hi, hi. I'm back. Okay. Is it good? Yeah, yeah.

Oh, what a treat. Oh, boy. I got to say, again, people who are here watching and listening, I'm so sorry, but honestly, this is, it's truly on game for me. It's very my internet's not working. Okay. I hit record. Thank you. I did great, great, great. I did it. I did it. I did it. I love it. I did it. Everyone is like, Nicole.

This is the fun of doing it live. You know what I mean? Because guys, we could have recorded this last week and we could have been giving you some bullshit canned answers that we could have written everything. This could have been absolutely written for us by a room of people, a room of white men, and we could have been saying their words. But no, you got us. Fresh, fierce, and fabulous.

Yeah. It's raw. Unadulterated. That's not the word. Unadulterated? It's raw. Unadulterated. Wait, wait, wait. It's raw. Unadulterated fun.

Wait, wait, wait. It's raw. Unadulterated fun wait wait wait it's raw on on unadulterated i think that's the word but what the hell does that mean wild what is it unadulterated what is adulterated i don't know i would open a tab but i'm not allowed to let's see what she says. Let's see what she says. Wait. Okay. So it's. Oh, unadulterated. We're not pronouncing it right. Unadulterated. Oh. I guess it's not terrated. Unadulterated.

Not mixed. Okay. Not mixed or diluted with any different or extra elements. Complete and absolute. Okay. You were pronouncing it correctly. I know. Actually.

So just for the people listening at home, we have like a little side chat with the producers and they gave us the pronunciation and it looks like it says unadulterated, all the syllables, and then it says learn to pronounce. And we were both like, damn, okay. But it really, he just cut and paste, like learn to pronounce, I'm sure you could have clicked on it.

I love how I fully was just like, yes, I mispronounced it. I'm so sorry. And here's how I'll fix it. He was like, I love that. He'd be like, fucking learn to pronounce, you idiot. I'd be like, yeah, well, I'm mispronouncing things all the time. I once it was a voiceover and I was saying humiliate. And that's not the word. That is a hue. Humiliate. Yes. I once, it was a voiceover and I was saying, humiliate, and that's not the word. That isn't.

It's hue, humiliate. Absolutely. And I was like, this is humiliating. And everyone was like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. But I was dying, dying on the inside. This is a Nicole Byer special, is taking a mistake and flipping it on its damn ass and then having it work even better.

You know what I mean? You were there. You were there for one thing where I it literally will never leave me. It was on the good place. The line was, it is a door. And I think I started saying it's a door. And they're like, no, no, a door. So I was like, it's a door.

It's a door. It's a door. It's eight. And to the point where I think it was the very first day. It was your first scene even. Yes. It was the first scene. The way the shot was set up was me on one side of the line. And then the five of you on the other side where I was like, I know it was so fucked up. It truly was because I mean, for, okay. Again, for people listening at home, if you haven't checked out The Good Place, check out The Good Place. Nicole was on a great episode.

Nicole was great on an episode. And it was the whole cast. So all six of us and Nicole being the only guest star. Right? Six? Six. And Nicole being the only guest star, she basically like had to just talk. Wait, am I counting right?

It is six, right? I think it's five. Wait, count us. No, it's six. I just I I forgot Jamila. Okay. There's six. Yeah. There's six. So, um, she had to talk to the six of us. It wasn't like a nice little group scene where people are like sitting around and whatever, and two here and two there. It was like six people. It's like Ted asked dance and staring at Nicole Byer on her first day. And she had to like spout all these lines to us. I, by the way, you killed

it. It was that one. It's not even, it's not even like you killed it, but it was like, you killed it period. And there was that one a that the director was just getting on you about that. I couldn't even hear the difference. I wanted to pull him aside and be like, hey, let's chill for a bit. At one point, Kristen was like, she's saying it. And I was like, I think I am. And we spent like 10 minutes on it. And I like on the ride home, I was like, I'm going to get a call that they've replaced me and that I'm not they're going to refilm that whole day. They're just going to take the hit, take the loss. And I was like, oh my God. But then nobody called

them. And I went back in and I was like, okay. And then Ted was like, you're funny. And I was like, okay. So like, that was just a little speed bump in the road. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Yeah, it was great. It was so not a mistake. It was very strange. I really did. I really did have the thought where I was like, could I take this director that I also just met? Could I take him aside and be like, hey, can we just move on? I think she's got it. The vibe got weird. for you too uh because you get to cry and i love seeing i love seeing the actors cry it is a a curious process because it's a and i don't know any actors who are like teehee boohoo it's very much like i'm so sorry i can't i know right now i just have to like get into this like zone where i have to cry what a weird and it's so interesting yeah like on a comedy you're like i can't be fun right now it's such a weird conversation to have to have, like, especially I mean, it's one thing to like have to tell the cast that you work with every day.

But I had the like pleasure of having a longtime old friend on the show with me. And I had to be like, Nicole, I can't really hang out with you right now because I have to go listen to sad music in the corner. And I was like, OK, but then I just got to watch you on the monitor. and I was like okay but then I just got to watch you on the monitor and I it's a it's a it's an experience I get to keep having which is like really cool because I just did a pilot with Phil Jackson who I was on a team with in New York for such a long time so much and like watching you do your thing I was like god damn this is a long time coming like Darcy's fucking crushing it and it's like oh baby so truly exquisite you know what I mean and then watching Phil with like a calm and his like his headphones being like nah let's do it this way I was like my god we're all doing it it really is I mean it could like make me cry right

now just hearing that yeah that that and and also I mean, like it is it's out of control, like going to a set and seeing your friend like living their dreams. I remember the first time I went on set for for Broad City and seeing Abby and Alana and Paul Downs and Lucia and Yellow all like that was that felt like a long time ago. You know what I mean? That was when we were like, yeah, we were really still coming up and we were like, you know, the idea that, that, uh, that any of us could like, not, not even be on a show, but have their own show. But I remember feeling like emotional that whole day, that whole first day. Um, but anyway, thank you so much for saying that. That's so nice. You know, I'm so proud of you. You're taking over the world.

I mean, you will. Thank you. Your rise will continue. You have no, you have no, like, there's no dip for you. I see, like. Thank you. I feel the same way about you. I mean.

You're true. Like, it's just, it's so nice. It's so nice to see. And then I texted you not to, like, bring up Emmys again. But I was like, one of the things I'm most upset about is I don't get to see you. I mean, you're true. Like, it's just it's so nice. It's so nice to see. And then I texted you not to like bring up Emmys again. But I was like, one of the things I'm most upset about is I don't get to see you in a dress because like I was like, what is Darcy going to wear? And I was like, oh, yeah, we don't get to go. I know. I like seeing friends clean up, too. I know. Yes. Whenever I get to see like Franny G at like Emmys and I'm like, oh boy, Fran, you look so good.

It's so fun. It's so like fairy tale surreal. Like, you know, we know that we're scumbags. You know what I mean? We're like, oh, we're just little dirt bags that like met in this like disgusting little basement theater. And we, you know, for I guess I'm talking like people know for people that don't know. talking like people know for people that don't know, Nicole and I did UCB together in New York years,

years, years ago, like, like coming up together, doing disgusting, dirty improv in a dirty theater or zero people. And yeah. And then getting to see you on like a red carpet, fully glammed is like,

it just, it feels like equally proud. And also like we, we tricked them. Yeah. We tricked them. They think I can act. I'm just repeating lines. It's awesome. But I mean, I do have to say your talent is like only matched by your hard work. You are so you're such a hard worker and you're so dedicated and ambitious and it's it's inspiring. And I love, like, I love being in your, in your orbit.

It's awesome to watch you. And then also just fuck around with you on stage on a Sunday night. You know what I mean? I miss it. I used to get like, cause our show used to be at 11 and I would be like at eight, I'd be like, Oh my God,

I still have to be awake for so much longer to go do a show. I would give anything. I know. To be tired. I know. And have to go do a show. I would give anything to be tired and have to go do a show at 11 p.m. on a Sunday. Think of like the amount of times that you would skip because you know, we would have like, I have a busy day tomorrow. I'm like nothing on earth could make me skip an 11 p.m. show at UCB right now. I would do it. I would do it in a heartbeat.

It feels so crazy. We'll be back answering some listener questions right after the break well Darcy let's answer some questions you want to do that yeah let's do it okay this is just for Nicole now what are some albums you've been listening to during quarantine? I have, why just for me? I already answered. Oh, I see.

I already answered. I have been listening to, I'm going to like pull it up. This, um, two playlists on Apple music. I don't use Spotify cause I don't understand it. So what?

Some apps are hard. Some apps. I think it's so hard. And then I was like, Apple Music, can you please do an end of the year thing so like we can feel good too? And they won't do it. They just won't do it. They should do it. That Spotify rap goes off. People be posting. Yes. And it's like a whole thing. It's like a curated little video. But anyway, Yes. And it's like a whole thing. It's like a curated little video. But anyway, so if you have Apple Music, I listen to Divas Essentials, which is updated every two weeks. It's all the divas that you would want. Wait, I'm writing this down. And then the other one is called High Maintenance, which is ladies of hip hop. And it's a mixture of like people,

you know, like Cardi B or like Bia, who you might not know or uh brie brie runway who's my new favorite person her mixtape is so good and she's got this song called atm with missy elliott that's my favorite song right now atm yo mm-hmm no atm is by brie runway okay cool right who i was calling brie runaway and uh that's wrong that's not it that's someone else that's not someone altogether different what were you listening to this is redundant but i'd like I was calling Brie runaway and that's wrong. That's not it. That's someone else. That's not it. That's someone altogether different. What were you listening to? This is redundant, but I'd like to know.

I was saying that I'm loving the Haim album, the newest Haim album. Okay. And that Jason also likes it. We have similar taste in music. I have a thing, okay? Here's my thing. I can't listen to music if I don't think you like it. So if we're, if we're on a road trip or something and I'm like, oh, I gotta listen to Robin. I fucking love Robin.

And then you're like, oh, I don't really like Robin. I'd be like, great. We're not listening to Robin. Or, or even if I remember that five years ago, you were like, well, I don't like I mean, like I cannot enjoy music if I don't think you are equally enjoying it. So I, so Haim is, I mean, we have plenty of, of, you know, especially older stuff, but plenty of albums that we both like, but Haim is like a new one where, um, I know we're both enjoying it. The worst is when I'm like, God, I love this song. Don't you? And he's like, and then I'm like, turn it off. Never listen to it again. I'll listen to it by my damn self. I'm the opposite.

I'll be like, do you want to listen to it again to make sure you don't like it? Because I think it's weird that you don't like this. Yeah, I might do that. I might do one like, are you sure here? But what about this line? And what about when they sing? And this part is really pretty or whatever. And then it's like, sorry, I just don't like it.

And I'm like, I get a little. That's what I do. And I'm like, that's silly. Yeah. Let's do another question. Chloe said, I really missed improv during this quarantine. And I'm wondering, what are your favorite games or warmups? Oh, boy.

That's a good question. Okay. Games are. I haven't. I know. You know. I haven't done. I know.

So like similarly to acting, I think like when you're in acting school and when you're in improv training, you do all of the warm ups and the games. And that's like the way you connect. That's the way you like learn how to do it. That's the way you get into like the performance space. But I do remember being in I'm not answering the question right now, but I do remember being in theater school and my professor saying like at some point you will stop. You won't need to like warm your body up before you do a player. You won't need to do these vocal exercises.

And I was like, what? I can't imagine. But then, yeah, you do get to a place where it's sort of like in you. It's like already clicked in. So, you know, like search our team that we played together for, I don't know, five years. Like, I don't know that we ever did a warm up. I don't know that we ever did. Our warm up would be like.

We've never done a warm up. We sometimes walk in a minute before the show starts and we go, got your back. And then get on the stage and do it. The best, like, like our best warm up would have been like getting to the theater 20 minutes early and like talking shit about people. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I, let's see warm-ups i so i worked at ucb at their training center and i would be hung over a lot so i would hear crazy eights a lot and that's my least favorite yeah crazy eights where you just literally count down you one two three four five six oh i hated that uh zip zap zap i didn't like and I get why we do them it's like in improv especially it's like look stupid because you'll look stupid on stage because stupid is funny yeah um and then same thing with like acting like I thought I'd always do acting exercises and like vocal warm-ups but truly now I just like kind of stretch in my trailer and I go I'm good to go I think there was like a I don't even know if this would be called a warmup or an exercise.

I remember doing one in a Shannon O'Neill class where like, where you did like, you know, a group of people did eight scenes and then half the class did eight scenes. And then without her, without Shannon telling you, this is what you were supposed to do. Those people sat down and then she goes,

okay, now you guys do those eight scenes word for word, exactly what they did. And you had to just sort of like, it was really fun. That type of thing where it was like a mind fuck, where you'd be like, oh, what am I capable of? I love that. I would never be able to.

Half the time I say things out loud and they're like, what did you just say? And I'm like, couldn't tell you. I don't know. That your that's your magic baby another question okay which fictional animated character do you think has the biggest dick eeyore oh boy well it's definitely not winnie the pooh because you'd be able to see it hmm animated let's see fictional maybe the beast Maybe the beast. The beast is packing. The beast. Right?

The beast. Maybe. 100% the beast. Yeah. But you are so funny. The beast. Eeyore. Going to a trance.

Eeyore. Okay. So we agree. The beast. Another one. Any dating a tip, any dating tips for after a divorce? Oh boy. Hi Sarah. I mean, I have a, I have a thought, a thought. Okay. Just a quick one. Well, this isn't really, this, this is like relationship advice for after a divorce. Maybe try to like open your mind to unlearning things that you learned

in the last relationship. Right. Like, like don't settle into like, this is what I am in a relationship. Think like, think of what you could do differently. Think of what your partner sort of what, what you guys were and how you can, what you can learn, what you can learn and improve. What a treat. I think that's good advice. I think that's really good advice. I think it's better than what I was going to say, which was like, get out there and rejection might happen, but just like, keep going if that's what you want. But I think unlearning things is huge. Yeah. I guess, yeah. Unlearning things, learning things, however you want to look at it. Yeah. Like just we get so set in our ways and relationships and things work or don't work for that relationship that wouldn't make sense in the next relationship.

So just sort of opening your mind, but also get out there and, you know, hop on some of them. Yeah. Bounce somebody. Also wear your mask so everyone can fuck this year. How have we not said that? It's my crusade. I know. I love that. You've got to wear. I mean, I saw that the guy got a mask, got a mask with that tweet on it. My friend Eleanor's mother tweeted that.

So I put it on a mask and now I sell it. I'm so glad you sell it. Yeah. Wear a mask so that Nicole Byer can get some dick in 2021. That's it, right? That's all I want. That's it. That's all I want. Let's do another question. What are your biggest pet peeves in a date? Thank you, Monique. Dirty fingernails. Ew. Yes. Thank you, Monique. Thank you, Monique. Yeah. Dirty fingernails. If they never ask me about myself. Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew. that's it. Yeah, that's it. I mean, not that's it. Like, stop.

I mean, that is totally no, no. But yeah, yeah, that sucks. It's got to be like, uh, yeah, the open talking, not just like a one sided. Here's all about. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, Matt and Kyle, we want two more questions. Nicole, I just got a Nintendo Switch.

How's your Animal Crossing island going? Not great. I've given up. Is this a paid ad? No. Wouldn't that be so funny? Imagine if it was. Like, my paid ads are just questions.

It's like, how is your Helix mattress? It's really good. Thank you so much for asking, Juanita. That's the way to do it. Not good. you so much for asking juanita not good i'd give it up okay so brid asks what what advice do you have for an aspiring actress slash fellow improviser who moved to la right before the pandemic here's the thing uh produce stuff on the internet uh but then as soon as the pandemic ends get into a class because the internet is different than live for sure and if you get stuck in your way so you like have success on the internet when you start performing live you will not have the same success because they're just different mediums yeah so i think it's like putting in the work now after the pandemic ends

putting in the work again which kind of sucks but like I kind of had to do the same thing. Virtual shit is very hard and confusing. Yeah. So yeah, that's really good advice. I bet there's also like online Zooms and chat rooms. And I don't fucking know, but places where other people in your same situation or other people who were part of theaters or comedy schools or whatever that got shut down that are like, we do a Zoom play read every Friday night or like we do monologues together or whatever the hell or we do improv online.

Like there definitely would be some online shit going on right now that I would say take advantage of. But, Nicole, that is such good advice. Like get in there as soon as this is done. And if you can't afford a class class just tape yourself doing monologues and then like do this will sound insane but like pick somebody who's in your age range and as somebody you could play from a movie yeah pick a monologue that they do in the movie and then record yourself doing that monologue and then compare it and see like like you don't have to copy them but like if they do like something like maybe you try to do something.

And I like, I say mimicking as a ways to an end. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. It's like if you mimic some things, you can figure out, oh, maybe object work does help me during a monologue or like it helps me remember lines. So that's like a, that's kind of like a, like a, a class, but you don't have to pay for it. That's great. You know what I mean? like a class, but you don't have to pay for it. Yeah. That's great. Like, like doing the work on your own, you know, not like, like when you're feeling inspired to do something, it's a weird

time to, you might one day want to do something and the next day you don't want to do something. But on the days where you're feeling like you are feeling creative and you want to, you know, flex your acting muscles, there are plenty of ways to like, do that on your own or with a friend over Zoom or whatever. But yeah, good. Okay, more, more? Yeah, we can do more. Kyle said we can do more. Do you have any fun memories

on the set of The Good Place? Darcy, do you? Oh, wait, no. Do we share any fun memories? Tanya Quinn asks us. I see, I see. Okay, let's see. Oh, okay.

Let's see. I'm thinking and I'm laughing at just the thoughts of it I mean well um how many days were you there were you were there like three days I think I was there for four yeah three or four yeah I mean I here's one thing I remember I don't know if this is a good it's not exactly a shared memory, but I remember when we were like, maybe halfway through the day, talking to Ted,

Sir Danson, and he was, he like, he was asking me things about you. He was like, he's so fascinated by the UCB world. And he's so like, sort of not jealous,

just sort of not jealous, not jealous, but like, and, and I don't know. And he loves that we all kind of came up together. He's like, oh, that's so great. And so he wanted to know about like, you know, us coming up together. And then he was like, God, she's wonderful. She's so funny. She's so funny. And I felt so proud. I was like, so excited to tell you, but I was also like, that's mine. She's my friend and you're. He honestly is. He's so nice. Like I was he like took the van with everybody and I was like, he doesn't have his own van. I was fully confused about that. I know. And then there was like one line where he was like, this doesn't work. Let's play with this. We like played with it. He was I know. He's so fun and playful and, you know, lets you know when you do a good job, lets you know when you when he's tickled by something. And it really, you know, doing it, doing that stuff with him for four years like that never got old.

You know, it was like I still was so sort of honored every time he said something like that. I would just be like, you're you're the best at it. You're the best in the damn business, you know? Yeah, he's a living fucking legend. I did this Smirnoff ad with him after The Good Place and I like got to set and he was like, everyone, Nicole, she's so funny. And I was like, Dad, you don't have to. And then during the scene, we were outside and I guess I didn't realize that my bass level is a scream. So I was like saying these lines real loud. And he just gently, he tapped me and he went,

you don't have to yell. And I was like, yes, you're very right. I don't have to yell. And I was like, oh man, Ted Danson's telling me not to yell.

But then I was like, it's you're fine, Nicole. That's just like your baseline. Yeah. Yeah. Being told to bring it down is just a thing that's going to happen for my whole life.

And it's fine. That's just a daily thing. All right. Yeah. It was so fun. It was just fun being, I know we'll go to dirty little cum slut or whatever that name of that next one. But I, um, it was just such a fucking pleasure to be on that set with you. And I was so happy to play with you, but also just so proud of you it was like uh like i said i was like equal parts proud of you and um for me that you were my friend um okay little cum slut cum slut wants to know how is it kissing manny jacinto is he the most gorgeous creature that has ever lived. He is so beautiful. Stunning, truly stunning. And then truly so funny. So funny. So funny. I know. And so humble and so, God, I mean, he might be the sweetest person I know. He's so sweet and thoughtful and humble. And us, he's like skin is burning right

now. Just even the fact that we like, he doesn't, he's not watching this. He just can feel it. Like he is, he's so humble and so embarrassed when people talk about how hot he is. Um, it was great. And I, and I, I, I, um, have this thing where, but when I knew that I was going to have to kiss him, that going to have to kiss him, get real. When I knew that i was gonna have to kiss him that gonna have to kiss him get real when i knew that i was gonna kiss him that day oh no like in the scene i would think to myself right before we do the take i would go darcy remember this i love that darcy remember this this this will only happen a few times in your life so remember this it was great he's great great boy great great great acting partner i couldn't get over how Remember this. This will only happen a few times in your life. So remember this. It was great.

He's a great, great boy. Great kisser. Great acting partner. I couldn't get over how funny he was because he is a very present person. Very like kind and sweet to talk to. And the minute they say action, there's nothing in his eyes. I know. And he just says these lines like devoid of a thought. And it's,

it's really, it's stunning to watch. It's like, it's really cool. I totally agree. Yeah. It really, I think people are always surprised when they,

you know, see an interview with him or meet him that the, that he, there's nothing, there's nothing Jason Mendoza in him. He is, there's no parts of him that are actually that character. Yeah.

Okay. Let's do another quest. Oh, a that are actually that character. Yeah. Okay, let's do another quest-y-poo. Oh, a quest-y-poo. A little quest-y-poo. Mariah! If you could star in a rom-com reboot, which one and why? Okay.

Okay. Well, I know the answer right off the bat. I don't think most people would consider this a rom-com, but Ghost. Oh, yeah. You're playing all three roles. I would honestly love it. I would love to clumps.

To meet the clumps, Ghost. Oh, my God. I wonder if there's anybody listening to this that's really good with, like, Photoshop or something. That you can make a nicole byer three-headed like make a poster please do this someone listening make the poster of ghost with nicole on each of their heads and have it say and have it say nicole byer what did you say clumps ghost how do you say it like clumps ghost nicole byer cl Nicole Byer clumps the ghost. Oh, please do that, someone. Please. I beg. And then tag us. Darcy, what's your answer? Yes. Tag us at Nicole Byer and at Darcy Carter.

I mean, I think. God, what is my favorite romcom? Maybe that's not really the question, but what would I like to do? God damn it. I bet there's a great answer for this. I mean. I could see you in Harry Meets Sally. Could you? I could. I think you'd be really great. That'd be fun.

The only thing is that I think, I feel like in the beginning, Meg Ryan is playing a college student. Isn't she in college? Sure. Or maybe I should say, Billy Crystal is playing a college student. And let's just remember, Billy Crystal is playing a college student. Let's just remember,

Billy Crystal is playing a college student in that first scene. Well, you change it to grad school. That's right, grad school. You could be any age in grad school. Any age, any age. I mean, I really...

Oh, I guess you could be any age in college, too. That's true. Yeah, absolutely. I am a big fan of Four Weddings and a Funeral. Never seen it. It's great.

It's great. It's like prime Hugh Grant, like sexy floppy British. Ooh. I'm not like, okay. Yeah. But I mean,

that's just me saying I love that. I don't know that I want to like be in it or should be in it. God rom-coms. I mean, what's the best? Like so many rom-coms are, I, you don the best? Like so many rom-coms are, you don't want to like mess with them. I'm like, well, Bridget Jones is so good.

Yeah, the good ones, the good ones you don't really want to mess with. But I could see you had never been kissed. I love that one. I love that one. Fish out of water stuff is so fun. I think you'd be good. She was great in that too.

Also, we should gender bend. You know what I mean? We should think of who, what guy we'd want to play. And that's maybe, maybe that would be my fun with four weddings in a funeral is if I could play the Hugh Grant part and then I could just cut my hair right here, right where that little right there. And then I would be like, I don't think I would hate it. Yeah. I think I could do that. Yes. Okay. I wouldn't love it, but I wouldn't hate it. Great. That's what I'm going for. Let's do another question.

Esther. If you could work on any project together, what would it be? I would like to, I would do a movie with you. Oh God. I don't know. I'm like down to do anything. There's almost. You know, like, I just think you're so funny and I'd love to do anything with you.

I am the same way. Can you imagine just every day on set what if we like okay i'm gonna pitch it right now we are astronauts bitch yes we are astronauts we won an we won a competition to go to we won a competition to go to space yes and the cold open of the first episode would be because this is a series. This is actually a series. It would be us arguing over whether or not we needed the hundred tampons to go to space for that short amount of time. And I'm pro hundred tampons. Why not? I saw nothing wrong with that. Yes. Yes. You're like, because you remember that story? Yes, totally. But your reasoning in this show, your reasoning would be, we might need them.

And if we don't, we'll use them later. We'll take them with us. Of course we will. You never don't need tampons. That's why I was like, this isn't news. This is nice. This is so nice. Someone's being so nice.

Someone's giving her a freebie. Okay, we'd also in this show, we'd also, in this show, we'd also, we would have won the competition to go to space, but we also were going with two real astronauts, and on the first day in space, they die. Yes! And then we have to figure out how to get back to Earth, and our, like, communication thingy goes down he did this for communication

breaker breaker yes breaker breaker we can't hear you houston we have a problem yes and then uh then we have to like figure it out and then in the end of season one is us getting going to like a um you know like a space um let me just think um you know like a place in space and there's another rocket a space station a space station and and and you know are they real i think so like there's always like a monkey in there or maybe a russian person uh-huh i don't know i think something like that and um i feel like that yeah and then we, we become friends with the person that's in the space station and they've been there for a long time. And,

and you know, season two is about us getting back to earth. Yeah. And the way we can pitch it is it is. Yeah. Green light. It it's Apollo 13 meets last man on earth. That's great.

Great. Sign us up. Netflix, please. Okay. Netflix. Netflix, please, please. Oh, Netflix. Yeah, Netflix, please. Please, Mr. Netflix. Let's do one more question and then we can let Matt and Kyle go home. Or are they home? No, they're in an office.

They're home. They live in their office together. Yeah, they're in an office. They're in their home office. Okay. Codfish, have either of you ever pooped your pants this is such a personal question it is i mean i have pooped my pants do you want to talk about it yeah um i got so hammered this is like one of those moments you're like i should never drink drink again. Yeah. And then I did. But I got so drunk that I woke up and I had pooped my pants and I didn't know it till I went to the bathroom and poop fell out of my pants.

And I was like, oh, no. And then I left a ton of money for the cleaning lady. It was a hotel. That's really nice. That has a nice ending. That story. I was like, if you're going gonna have to clean up my shit. Yeah. Yeah. I have to give you forty dollars. Have you pooped your pants?

I feel like there was a while where we're pooping pants. Stories were like a big deal in comedy. And everyone was like, every person has pooped their pants. And I was always like, fuck, I haven't. What am I going to? And I still as an adult, I haven't, but I mean, I do good. Yeah. Yeah. But I do remember being a little kid at a swimming pool and, and, and think, okay, I'll tell this story because why not? Because it's okay. I just remember the feeling of pulling off your wet bathing suit to go sit on the toilet was like the worst feeling. Cause you're, when you pull it up, it would like twist and it was just like uncomfortable. So I remember going like, mom, dad, I have to go to the bathroom. And then I like walked behind the bathroom.

This is not at our house. This was at a hotel. And I walked behind the bathroom and I just sort of like, um, flipped over the crotch of my pants. No, no, no. I pooped in my, no, I pooped in my bathing suit. And then once the poop landed in the bathing suit, I flipped over the like, and just kind of shook it out and then went back in the pool. So it was like a full intentional poop of pants. It wasn't like a, oh shoot, I made a duty. It was like hunkering down to poop the pants. And I did not leave $40. Honestly, that's really funny.

That's so funny that you were like, I'm going to shit in my bathing suit and then like let it come out as opposed to just moving it and taking a shit. No, I didn't. Darcy, I love that so much. Oh, good. Okay, Darcy, we've come to the end. And I have to ask you, because I ask all my guests this, would you date me? Okay, great. Great question.

Love the question. And here's what I'm looking for in a partner. Hotness, humor, and confidence. And bitch, what are you? You're hot, you're funny, and you're confident. So yeah, I would absolutely date you. Oh, Darcy, thank you so much. Also, thank you so much for doing this.

I'm happy to. I fully appreciate it. I love sitting here with you, especially on such a weird day. It is such a weird day. And I'm glad we didn't like really talk about it because it's depressing. I agree. It is so depressing. I know.

That people thought it was like, okay, I don't want to get into it. Nicole and I did text about it for a little while this afternoon, just being like, should we or shouldn't we? And our thought was it would be nice to just sort of like forget about it for a while. And honestly, I did. And it felt great. Same. It was really nice to be like, oh, I'm just chih-hih-hih-ing with my friend who I haven't seen in such a long time. Also, it was just really nice to see you. I feel the same. I was so looking forward to this. I absolutely adore you. Well, do you have anything you want to promote?

forward to this. I absolutely adore you. Well, do you have anything you want to promote? Um, what would I like? Um, how about, um, checking out two websites and then giving them money? Yes. Detroit create the Detroit creativity project, which is, um, run by our mutual friend, Mark Evan Jackson to teach kids in Detroit improv and life skills and amazing things. And the Okra Project, I would recommend checking out and giving money. Yes. Giving so much money. Yes, yes, yes. The Okra Project is really doing some really wonderful things. Yeah. Gabrus just did a podcast where we raised like 30K for them, which is like, what a dang fucking treat. Isn't that a treat treat isn't that amazing like it felt so good to be like oh my god we like did a good thing and all we had to do was drink beer yeah

so do it every day that's great that's great that's i love that thank you i it was his idea too i think he was like where should we give it and i don't know who came up whatever yeah anyway i'm just those are two beautiful websites for people to go to and donate money. And also, if like, if that's not tickling your fancy, look for things local. Like, don't just donate to like the Red Cross or like, you know, Goodwill or whatever. Like, try to find things locally that are giving directly to people. Also, coat drives are great. Yeah.

You know, you've got old coats laying around. Donate those. Hygiene kits are a huge thing that are really helpful for unhoused, homeless, housing challenge. I don't know what the term is right now. Homeless neighbors, let's say. Unhoused. But yeah. Fuck.

I also think doing something like that is good and makes you feel good. It's like such a win-win. You're doing good and it makes you feel good. And then you want to do more. And it's like once you start, once you pop, you can't stop. Like a Pringle. That's right. Charity is like Pringles. Put it on a T-shirt.

Well, if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it. You can rate it. Oh, wait. Am I releasing this? Yes. One day people will hear this episode. That's right. But I think it'll be later next year.

Yeah. But if you like it, rate it, like it, subscribe. If you write something nasty to me, hitting on me, I will read it. This person said, I am super gay and super British, but listen every week. So sliding up in those DMs, I would push you down the stairs and break the other ankle just so I can snuggle up with you and watch the Real Housewives of Potomac before putting some of that Ben and Jerry's

all up on your sweet body, giving you a tongue bath before bed. All the best. Gotta say, triggering. You don't have to push me down the stairs to spend time with me. Everything else is fine. Just take the pushing down the stairs.

Yes, yes. Also, my dog tried to the pushing down the stairs. Yes. Yes. Also, my dog tried to push me down the stairs today. No. So Clyde, I think, was trying to be like, just move faster. Because I was trying to get my bearings truly down three stairs into my living room. And Clyde just pushed my calf. And I was like, this little dog is trying to kill me.

Well, I think he wants to snuggle up and rub Ben and Jerry's all over your body. pushed my calf and I was like, this little dog is trying to kill me. Well, I think he wants to snuggle up and rub Ben and Jerry's all over your body. I'd be so mad if my dog did that. I say you wasted my food. Okay. Bye. Bye. Love you.

Bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solo-Taroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much.

We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream. What a dream! What a dream! Ha ha ha! This has been a Team Coco production.