Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Recognizing your Self-Worth (w/ Nicolette Mason)

Episode Date: March 13, 2020

"Everyone that I thought was 'the one', was a piece of trash."Nicolette Mason (plus-size fashion blogger) joins Nicole to discuss the latest dating buzzwords of 2020, reflecting on your self-worth, whether they've dated fans, and so much more.For more Nicole Byer, check out her new podcast - Newcomers! Her and Lauren Lapkus are watching and reviewing Star Wars films for the very first time. Subscribe today so you don't miss an episode.Rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a dirty comment for a chance to have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyBuy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964

🎵 Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! 🎵 🎵 Oh baby, welcome to another episode of Oh Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single even though if you shaved my head and spit in my eye, I would still date you. My guest today, oh boy, I adore her. She is a plus-size fashion fucking icon. You've done like collaborations with people. You've had your own clothing line. It is Nicolette Mason. Hello.

Hello. Thank you so much for being here. Oh my God, thanks for having me. I'm so excited. It's a real treat. I was just talking about your outfit today. We're talking a beautiful white crisp blouse a black leather jacket a Gucci belt some jeans that fit like a dream are these Chanel shoes what are they they are I put on my flats I know it's a look I love it flat yeah they're very cute chic when did you get into fashion I mean I was born and raised in LA so I feel like I had no choice plus I'm Iranian and like Iranian culture is so image obsessed in every single way shape and form that I feel like I had

no choice but to care about fashion like growing up in LA is a really weird experience but is it yeah well I don't know I've only like lived in L.A. and I'm like, people here are slightly strange. It's very strange. It's an interesting value system we have here. But I mean, every stereotype of L.A. comes from a place, you know. So I kind of like grew up loving fashion. But I got to this place where I for sure knew as a plus size girl that I would never actually work in fashion. So I could just be peripheral to it. And I went to school at Parsons and I studied business for fashion and kind of like fell into it professionally in a very roundabout, accidental way. Was it with your blog?

It was through my blog, fully through my blog, which I just started as a hobby in 2008. So I graduated from college. I was working at a design firm and started my blog. Didn't think anyone would ever look at it. Like literally it was Pinterest for myself and only me. My mom read it. I had this day once where 70 people looked at my blog and I was like, oh my God, 70 people. 12, 13 years later almost were here doing really fun stuff.

I love it. It's always so interesting when like when the ball starts rolling and you're like, I can't believe 12 people looked at my thing today. I know. I have 50 likes and then you're like 100 likes and you're like, oh, my God, like real people are consuming my content and like asking me questions about shit. People love to ask me where I get things. And I'm like, I have the same resources you have. I just Google a lot of like, I wanted a leopard print sweater. So I Googled plus size leopard print sweater and I found one.

It's really amazing, like the options that now exist. But I think people, they haven't had any for so long that there is kind of this like cool discovery and resource sharing. And maybe that's why blogging worked when I started it 12 years ago, because no one knew where to find things and they didn't really exist as much then as they do now. But God, it's like really evolved in a major way. I discovered ASOS from you. Really?

Yep. I was on your blog and you were wearing something from ASOS and I was like, oh, what is this ASOS? And then I went to the website and I was like, oh my goodness,

there's so many things that will fit me here. So many. It truly just like opened up this whole world. It was a real treat. Oh my God, I'm going to send them this.

Please. I mean, I love ASOS. Free returns. It's great. It's so easy. It's so easy. It's so easy. Yeah.

You leave it for your mailman. Your mailman picks it up and then it's just gone from your life. You don't have to worry about it. It's really incredible. And they're really great about refunding you pretty quickly. Yeah. And there's some there really is like something for everyone, which I love. And they've launched sustainability initiatives.

So they have like their own brands now that are sustainable. And they've launched sustainability initiatives. So they have like their own brands now that are sustainable and I don't work for them. I don't make money from them. Neither do I. I just love ASOS. Exactly. Was dating in L.A. as a plus size person? What a boring question, but I'm gonna ask. But like growing up, was dating hard? But like growing up was dating hard. So I didn't really date growing up. I don't know.

So I guess yes. But I grew up in L.A. I went to a really small Jewish school my whole life. And I grew up with like the same group of 130 people, like literally from mommy and me until I went to college. I cannot imagine having dated a single one of the people I grew up with. It's literally nauseating to me. So I didn't really date in high school. And then I went to college and kind of like figured out I was gay. So that was another piece of it. I feel like a lot of other queer people, like they don't really date when they're young because we're figuring it out. And yeah, so I didn't date at all until I was in college. And then that was an interesting experience because I was like navigating my sexuality plus my body plus figuring out

my self-worth in a really accelerated way. And it was really hard. And like, I don't feel like I gave myself enough credit at all. I was just like, I'll take whatever I can get. Oh, my God. Like, I could have done so much better than a lot of the people. No offense. Like, you know, I dated some amazing people in my early dating years, too, and in my early 20s. But like, people in my early dating years too and in my early 20s but like I could have done a lot better yeah I feel like queer or not everybody realizes that yeah they're like you hit 30 and you're like oh my god every person I thought was the one or that I was in love with in my early 20s was a piece of fucking trash and I should have thought more of myself to be like, oh, I don't need this. I don't need you. Yeah. But like in your late 20s, you're just like, I just I'll take

it. You looked at me. You blinked at me. I want it. Yeah. Oh, it's exhausting. And I feel like this is I'm going to go really sad for a second, but I like have this very distinct memory of my parents talking to me and I have a younger sister who's super petite. She's really pretty. She's five foot one and like a size zero two. Like we're very, we don't look related. Like we have totally different bodies, very different experiences. And as a child, different experiences. And as a child, her as a child, me as like probably a 12, 13-year-old, I remember my parents telling me like, you have to work really hard and be really studious. Like we don't worry as much about Natalie, who's my sister. But you have to work really hard and think about your career and your academics because you might not get married and have someone to take care of you.

And so, like, that really, in a big way, shaped the way I thought about myself and my worth and potential to, like, have a romantic life. Because I was like, oh, I'm going to be alone forever. And if anyone does show interest in me, like, I should be very grateful for it. I mean, I've, like, processed that with my parents big time. And, like, for sure, they did not mean for it to be, like, quite as traumatizing as it was for me personally. But, like, on the flip side, it is good advice.

No, it's great advice not to rely on anyone. But it does suck you up. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. And it's like, not to rely on anyone. But it does suck you up. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. And it's like, why can't it be both? Like, don't rely on anyone. Be a badass at your career.

Also, like, don't settle for a piece of shit romantic partner. And I feel like I only got one side of that. Mm-hmm. Yeah. My mother would say, well, as a fat black, she would be like like you have to work twice as hard as your little white friends because they grew up in all white neighborhood also I like dreamt of going to school with my hair wet which is an insane thing to like be like maybe one day my mom won't blow dry my hair and I'll wear my hair wet and a ponytail so like I just wanted to do the things that these

other white girls were doing and my mother was like you are different like you have to act differently you have to work a little bit harder um I don't know she ever told me about oh she did she was like uh I'd be like oh my god I love this boy and she was like well that boy's probably not going to bring you home to his parents and I'd be like okay okay did you ever say why or was that just like for you to figure out no because I was black and fat so and I mean she was right I didn't date anybody until my 20s yeah so but then that like that did stunt me a little bit because then I was like oh if this person is showing interest in me I am so grateful I am so lucky I can I can't believe, even when I date now, I'll be like, oh, they only like me because I'm a comedian. And then even if they're like, I don't, I've never heard you.

I've never heard your comedy. I just know what you do, but I don't consume your content. I'm like, he's lying. They're lying. Yeah. They know me. And that is like a little thing in my brain that is hard to turn off. Yeah.

It's so hard. We're socialized like literally from childhood to put and assign all of our value based on our physical appearance, one, but then also like the way other people interpret our physical appearance. So even if you have great self-image, it doesn't really matter because maybe no one else thinks of you that way like that's so fucked up I had an interview today where the lady ended it with you seem so happy and so positive and so confident how and I was like how oh my god it's literally my least favorite question in the world how do you get so confident? And I'm like, why the fuck wouldn't I be confident? I'm amazing. And I said, I was like, well, I mean,

if you're talking about appearance wise, I just choose to look in the mirror and not hate what I see. It's not the easiest choice, but like I understand that I can change the way I look. Yeah. And I can put on something different. I can put on a different wig. I just choose not to be miserable and she was like oh and it seemed like she never thought of that yeah it's so the way we live is so crazy to me oh have you ever done dating apps I have done dating apps. So I got married before Tinder existed.

And then, you know, I kind of got unmarried-ish. It's a process. It's still in, you know, it's a thing. But yeah, I met my ex through OkCupid originally. Pre-app OkCupid. So like you had to log on to a website. Yeah. X through OkCupid originally, pre-app OkCupid. So, like, you had to log on to a website. Yeah.

And that was fun. It was interesting. And, like, I certainly, like, lurked a lot earlier than that on the websites. When we broke up, I, like, I wanted to swipe for fun. I hated it. It's miserable. The swiping is horrendous. And in LA especially, it's like really bad.

It's really bad. Like Tinder is probably the worst. Bumble is like less bad. And then I signed up for Raya, which I thought would be really funny. What is your experience on Raya? I mean, they approved me. So how long did it take? I had a referral. I also had a referral and it took two years. OK, so Gabby had the same thing happen. So that is an investigation. This literally confirms that it's racist because I think it is. Gabby is very well known. Yeah,

it's racist because I think it is Gabby is very well known yeah she's a very she's another popular plus-size blogger and gorgeous yeah and that's insane yep that literally confirms all of my suspicions it definitely my uh experience lurking Raya was like wow there's a lot of white models who don't seem to do much else uh good for them. But like, okay, I kind of see what's going on here. There was like a second where just because I was curious about who was on it, I opened my Raya to like men and women. There were a lot more like men of color in my anecdotal experience. Not a lot of women of color of color yeah I feel like now they're gonna ban me for talking about it which is fine because I'm happily in a relationship but I'm like holding on to my membership I don't know why like why do I want to be a part of some

racist dating club because they made it so elusive and mysterious and interesting and like i've been on it and i it's not elusive and it's not interesting but and i like unsigned up for it but then i was like but channing tanum's on so i might as well get back now who knows who i'll find on there i know yeah apps are truly like exhausting so exhausting because you'll talk to someone you'll be like okay i think this person's a little talk to someone, you'll be like, OK, I think this person's a little good egg. And then you meet them. You're like, oh, you're a bad egg. I don't like you. So I've taken to not talking very much on the apps. Yeah. Yes or no answers. Yeah. Make me seem very uninteresting. But I don't know if you want to try it. Ask out on a date I've also stopped asking people out on dates

they have to ask me oh I like that rule that's a good rule yeah my thing with dating apps when I was using them was like I'm not looking for a pen pal so either we're hanging out right now or never and that worked for me because it filtered out like a lot of fleekiness um but yeah i don't want to be single not ever again i won't say like i'm you know realistic about life being life but but i don't miss being single yeah i don't like it no i'm very much over it i know i'm just looking for a relationship. Why won't anyone date you? I don't know. That's the big question. Wow. I don't know. I've come to terms with I like to chase people. That's a thing I just discovered that I like to chase people. And when I'm dating men, they don't necessarily like to be chased. Oh, and then women, I tend to chase them to a point and then they chase me and then I'm not interested because I don't like being chased.

It's a very, it's a weird thing. I don't know. Have you tried the new Lex app? What's Lex? Oh my God. It's like the new, so do you know the personals page? It was a page on Instagram and it was lesbian personal ads. No.

Not lesbian exclusively, but like queer, non-binary, etc. Personals ads. And people would write out copies. So it wasn't based on like photos or anything. It was literally, I am this and I'm looking for this. So, like, I'm a femme leather top looking for a submissive XYZ who wants to read comic books and have a slumber party. Like, this is the ad. And it turned into an app that I don't have, but I should as a, you know, show of support and solidarity download it and play with it and maybe find friends on it as well.

Yeah, it's all like tech space. And I'm very intrigued, probably in the same way that like OkCupid was my preferred platform. I like the essays. I liked learning a little bit about people rather than just looking at their photos. And then, you know, falling visually in love with an absolute idiot. It's a trap. It is a trap. I don't know, but I also think words are a trap.

Because you can be a great wordsmith, you can write these incredible essays, and then you meet the person, and you're like, uh, you're... Oh, my God, it's like Facetune of the mind. Hmm? It's Facetune of the mind. It's Facetune of the mind. Yes.

Wow. Facetune of the mind is very funny. Yeah, no, you're totally right. God, I think the answer is just not to date. I mean, honestly, that's what it feels like. It's like dating is just hard. This interview that I did earlier they were like so what advice do you have for dating and I said oh I've been given a lot of advice I've been

told to be myself not too much of myself uh give them a little but not too much and be mysterious and he was like oh that sounds confusing and I was like yeah buddy did you think I was gonna have like a good answer for you no then we would all just be so happy and in relationships. Yeah, I do think that there's like something to be said for the weight that culturally, obviously, relationships are weighted so heavily. And it's just like this thing that you are expected to do that is a factor in your value and your worth and the way people see you it's like what if we took that away and people were just in relationships because they really wanted to be and that was it

and how would that like shift the dynamic of dating in general I think it would make people chill out a little bit more um because like I don't have the thing in my mind where I'm like I'm past 30 I have to find somebody and start a family because I don't know if I want a family my mother had me late she had me at 39 so like if I have a child at 39 40 like that's fine with me mbd science who cares uh yeah I just I think I just want I just want to share my life with somebody that seems really interesting to me. So something I've been talking about with some of my friends lately is like, what about just like platonic companionship and you designate a best friend to like live with and have as your support. And then you like also have sex with whoever you want.

But like, what if our platonic relationships became those relationships well i have a platonic best friend who i speak to like every single day but like she doesn't service the need i have for like intimacy that would be like that's the only thing like yeah i could be super happy with her and have her be my very best friend who I tell all my secrets to and share my life with but like I want a best friend who I also fuck yeah that's what I want like someone undeniably gets me laughs at everything I say I laugh at everything they say we just like move in tandem and like have really great sex. Yeah. So a relationship.

Yeah. Yeah. And we're full circle. Uh-huh. Right back to where we started. Yeah. Did you meet your current partner on a dating site or in person? So kind of both. We met through my best friend and then also matched on Tinder.

Oh. my best friend and then also matched on tinder and um my ex funny enough like also used to hang out with them and so they were encouraging they were like yeah you guys should hang out which is a funny dynamic um to have with your ex and so yeah so I did that thing where we like matched and I was back and forth between LA and New York and I was in New York and I was like, okay, either we're like hanging out and going on a date love, which is so cliche but true. And, yes, so to answer your question, we did meet kind of on an app, but also really because my best friend was like, yeah, you two got to do this. So, you know, monkey world. When did you know that you were in love? I think I resisted it for a while, honestly. I was just like, no, like this is just someone I'm going to have fun with and I'm still healing and going through this journey. And I don't need to be in a serious relationship. So I like really didn't want to put a label on what we were doing or even like I got really weird about like planning things for the future, like going on trips together or planning dates in advance or booking concert tickets, things like that. I was like, that's too serious for me right now. So in a weird way, I had like a really hard

time leaning into the relationship early when we started dating. But there were just a few moments where my girlfriend would go like really out of her way to do something super thoughtful that I had never experienced before, like that level of thoughtful intimacy. And I would just be like, oh, my God, no, I'm like seriously in love. And it was like probably, you know, three months into dating, meeting each other. But I'd be like, oh, shit, no, I can't be in love. I can't be in love. Like it's, it's too soon. It's not, I need to like fully heal from these other things that have happened. And I don't know, probably like a full year and a half, two years in, I was like still waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was like, this can't be real. Like something is going to happen. I'm going to find out that she's actually awful. And my therapist was like, you really need to realize, like, there might not be another shoe. And I was like, no, no, no.

You don't understand. This is my history. Like, there will always be another shoe. Yeah, like, almost three years in, there hasn't been another shoe. So I'm just walking around with one shoe. It's Chanel, so it's fine. So it's fine. It's designer.

Yeah. But, God, I really am a lesbian. I just, like, you know, we fall in love so fast. I think that's just women. It's fun. Is it? Is it just biology? I think it is biology.

My therapist has explained that, like, most women, once they've had sex with someone attached to them that's not me oh no no like i could like very much be an unattached i really hope my mom doesn't listen to this ever um like very slutty and unattached forever and not grow feelings and like i'm not jealous like that is not for me. That is not the thing that like, I emotionally bond to. What's the thing you emotionally bond to? Oh, God, I'm going to sound like I'm lying. But like, honestly, emotional intimacy, probably more than physical intimacy. But I want to hear more about what your therapist said.

Well, my therapist just said that something happens in women's brains that when they have sex, they then like latch onto that person because it's like another level of intimacy. And for me, that is mostly correct. Like if I go out with somebody, have a nice time with them, and I'm like, oh, I feel like we've connected and then we have sex. I'm like, oh, OK, well, I can see a future and I'll move in and we'll fall in love and we'll get married. So interesting. You like imprint on people once you have sex. Mm hmm. Or when they're nice to me, like if you're nice to me, I will be like. Not in love. No. Yeah. In love with you. Like if someone is nice to you, I'm like, OK.

Do you think that's because like the bar was so low in our childhood socialization of how people like we were taught people. Viewed us. viewed us? Probably. But I think the sex for me has to do with a lot of gentlemen growing up and in my early 20s are like, you're a great friend. You're very funny.

I like being near you. I like talking to you about the girls I date and stuff. And I'm like, okay, I'm always the friend. So if someone sleeps with me, I'm like, I'm not the friend. Right. I'm the girlfriend now. You'll love me.

And then that has not ever gone anywhere. So do you, like, wait a long time to have sex with people? No, which is bad. It's not. The internet keeps telling me it's bad. Really? Yeah, I keep Googling, how terrible is it to sleep with someone on the first date? And then I've gotten so many articles that are like, let me see if I can find one.

Oh, my God. Yes. Where I might have bookmarked one like I want to know the source that's telling you it's bad to sleep with someone on the first date truly is it patty stinker because I feel like she would give that advice or you know like some horrible women's magazines would give that advice oh i guess i didn't bookmark this one but i did bookmark dating trends to know in 2020 oh what are some of the trends from keanu wing to pax manning i don't know what that means pac manning like the video game i think so okay so keanu wing is inspired by keanu reeves new unexpected girlfriend So he did a total Keanu. I wouldn't have put them together.

That's when someone new, when you get together with someone new and it's a match that surprises people. I have never heard anyone say, thank Keanu. Literally no one's ever said that. And can we discuss the fact that his total surprise was dating a woman in his age bracket?

Like, what?'s what very funny um jekylling the usages he seemed sweet if a little persistent when i told him i wasn't interested in pursuing anything uh with him he turned and went full jekyll on me he was a different person so that's someone who's nice and then turns nasty. Oh, a Gemini. Flatlining is when a conversation goes dead and no one knows how to resurrect it. I don't think these are real. I don't, this is a wild, it's in the metro.co.uk. Rossing is when you date someone casually

and you're not an official couple, but they, and then they pull you, but they and then they pull you. What? And then they pull you for seeing other people. We're on a break. This is an insane thing. I should have read this before reading this. I think this was the right way to go.

I feel I've learned a lot of trends about dating in 2020. There's faux monogamy phonogamy so that's when someone pretends to a person that they're dating that they're monogamous but they're not that's mean uh deja ew that's the feeling of repulsion when you're browsing a dating app or come across an ex or someone you've dated previously elsa that's when someone suddenly freezes you out without explanation. This is, Caspering, what is that? Ghosting. Oh. That would make sense.

We wanted to say ghosting. Also, how is it different than Elsa-ing? I don't know. It seems like these people are really trying to make. Fetch happen. A lot. I mean, yes, truly. But the article I read about sleeping with someone on the first date, he was like, it was a weird man with like bright blonde hair.

And he said, all right, so you made this mistake. There is a way to rectify it. And one of his advices was don't wait for them to wake up. Leave before they wake up. Great advice. And then don't call them for three days and don't say i want to see you again uh uh too soon and then then one of his pieces of advice was to show up where they were like figure out from social media where they are and just show up and be like wow crazy to see you here So this article stipulates also that you are Googling while still in bed following this date.

And your thought process is like, oh, my God, I'm in this bed of a person I went on a first date with. What the fuck do I do, Google? Yep. No. Yep. That doesn't happen. Maybe it happens. I did it.

You Googled it from. Well, no, I did not Google it from the bed. Right. I Googled it. So I slept with this person and it was like, oh, I think I like them. And I was like, oh, I think I ruined it because I slept with them. So then before texting them, I Googled. I was like, is it bad?

And then all of the articles were like, yeah, terrible. You're bad. Wow. I think sleeping with someone on the first date is pretty much like the way to go. I also think so. But according to the Internet, it doesn't seem to be. I mean, I feel like I just want to know like right away if someone's really bad at sex. Yes. Or if we have physical chemistry. Yes. I waited six dates to sleep with this one person who then could not achieve an erection and then was mad about it and then didn't do anything else to me.

And I didn't know how to articulate just because you can't like penetrative sex isn't the only type of sex. And I didn't know how to articulate that to him because uh he was just like fully freaking out and I did I was just like it's okay you're fine you're right you're fine so it's just me being like and then I got in my head and I was like oh maybe it's me and I was like no it's not me it's definitely you it's your body yeah uh yeah and I was like I I wasted time. I wasted months. I wasted two months. I mean, that's like six dates and two months is a lot of time and energy. Yes. That like, you got to reclaim that time. Yes.

I got to reclaim that time. And I didn't know how. He also broke up with me. Oh, well. Because I was like, this will get better. We'll figure this out. It'll be fine. Then he was like, I don't know.

I see you more of a friend. And I was like, I mean, better. We'll figure this out. It'll be fine. Then he was like, I don't know. I see you more of a friend. And I was like, I mean, sure, whatever. Yeah, no. I need to know right away. Okay, we have to take a break. Okay. And we're back. Yeah, I don't know.

Do you have any advice for me on how to get into a relationship? Oh, my God. Be yourself. Honestly, I don't think that there is universal dating or relationship advice. There isn't. Like, my first advice is like therapy, which obviously you do and have done. I love therapy. I love therapy so much. It really is the best thing. Everyone should do it. I agree. Yeah.

So that is the first one. I think like, okay, also I have a rule about unsolicited advice, which is that I don't give it. So you are asking me. I'm asking. You are consenting to this experience. Good. We got thating to this experience. Good. We got that out of the way.

So because you have requested this advice to me, I find that pursuing relationships or pursuing dating is really challenging. And I know it's, again, like such a cliche, but the idea of like it can't be when you're looking for it. I think there's some truth to that, at least for me in my experience, in my relationship history. It's when I've been like in pursuit of it, I fall into the wrong thing or something like very not right for me. So that is one. like, very not right for me. So that is one. I think, like, focusing on yourself and your own hobbies is always important because it makes going into any new relationship stronger. Like, I have a lot of friends who they don't really know what they like or what they want. And so they kind of will adapt their interest to whoever they're dating. And that is such a trap, in my opinion, and like so toxic.

And you just really have to intimately know yourself and what you like and what your hobbies are and your favorite band and things like that. Not that like you can't evolve and change and appreciate another person's interest too. For sure, you can and you should but um so many people I know are like incredibly mutable and kind of shape-shift to suit whoever they're with and it's like well that's I don't know that doesn't seem correct no that seems insane yeah I couldn't imagine yeah I mean I can do things that somebody else wants to do but I'm not gonna be like this is my favorite thing I mean, I can do things that somebody else wants to do, but I'm not going to be like, this is my favorite thing. I mean, I know a lot of people who I've seen it, you know. I've also seen it where I'm like, I didn't know you liked this.

And I'm like, well, you know, they like it. So I like it. Like, oh, OK. Yeah. It's very interesting. Yeah. It's like I've known you for a very long time. And suddenly you're skiing all the time.

Yeah. Never seen you ski. You said you hate snow. Well time yeah never seen you ski you said you hate snow well now i like dogs i love no yeah yeah it's really interesting people who hate dogs suddenly are like you know volunteering at dog adoptions i'm like that's so wild that's so much work it is that is so much work to be like oh oh, my God, they like dogs. So I'm going to go volunteer at a dog shelter. I would never. I mean, it's something like positive. But it just seems like quite the commitment to do something you hate for the sake of someone else's interest. Why would I do that? Well, also, I'm like very stubborn and kind of a bitch.

So that's why I wouldn't do that. I'm also very stubborn, but also like too busy to like just take up somebody else's hobbies. I can't do that. Like I have things I want to do. I'm going to do the things I want to do. All I want to do is pole dance and ride a motorcycle. I actually really do. Have you done a pole dancing class?

Yes. I fucking love it. I haven't done it in two months because I fell off a motorcycle and I hurt my knee. But I have rehabilitated it with a lot of exercises from the internet. And now I think my knee is stronger than it was before, which is interesting. That's exciting. And I go to this place in North Hollywood.

I fucking love it. Oh my God. It's a lot of different, like different bodies. Oh, I love that. Which I like. And then the instructors that I take classes with are very,

um, very conscientious of like what your body can do based on what they've seen. So if a combination is just like, you're not going to get it cause your body just physically can't do that. I'll get like a little adjustment. I like that. It's not like out loud, like Nicole,

you're not getting it. So here's what we're going to do. It's just like, Nicole, try that one more time. Oh like that. And it's not like out loud like, Nicole, you're not getting it so here's what we're going to do. It's just like, Nicole, try that one more time. Oh, okay. Why don't you do it this way? I'm like, oh, okay. And I like that a lot. I would love to do that. That's on my to-do list. Do it. I'm doing ClassPass right now

so I'm like trying a lot of different classes. What's a class that you've taken? Because I never liked group fitness until taking pole classes. I really love group fitness. I don't know why, but like half of them I hate. So it just depends on the studio. Like sounds like those instructors are really great. I really love bar and Pilates, but the style like varies so wildly from one studio to the next. And I used to go to one studio for a really long time just because it was, you know, close to me and convenient. And it is a name brand chain.

And so I kind of saw it as like the right one to go to. But it was so body negative. body negative and like the language that they use in the class is all very subliminally um directed towards like getting married or getting a ring oh no so um it'll be like diamond out or um you know because you're doing this to get a diamond on your finger and that's a wild thing to say out loud in 2020 like that's so crazy and then have you read Gia Tolentino's book um trick mirror okay you have to read it when you have time but she like talks a lot about the history of of bar and um it was really interesting. I was like, oh, my God, I'm not going to go into it because it's not relevant anymore. But there is a lot of very coded language in a Zumba class. Totally. This is the moment that stands between you and that bikini. Things like that. I'm like, can we not? Can we

not? But I, so anyways, I didn't like that. But I do love bar and Pilates in general. I love spinning. in general I love spinning yeah nothing really out of the box I would love to do like aerial yoga but I think I might be too fat for that I don't know are you talking about like the silks you're not I'm gonna try it then yeah you're not uh I think it's the same thing as like a pole I think because truly like you can only really do like I can't reach the top of the pole, which I assume would be like the most unsafe for a fat person to be. Right. But it's like I can't even get up there. So like what's right. What's the worry about it?

Yeah. I guess I wonder about like the weight limit of the fabric of which people are doing the aerial yoga from. Well, anytime I see two people on a thing i'm like well those two people are probably like 200 maybe 300 pounds together so if those two people can be on it one person of that weight could be on it that's where my brain goes now i will try it i think yeah try it okay and if you are just like uh before the class I would ask. Just so during the class, it's not like a, excuse me, big one. You can't be here, big one. I know.

One of the first times I went to a spin class, I was so intimidated by the fact that the rows are very narrow. And it's actually close to impossible to get between them. And then I learned that, oh, I have to get one, like a bike on the end of a row. Otherwise, I physically cannot get to the bike. Like, I think a lot about accessibility and fitness spaces in that way. I feel like it's that way because they don't expect fat people to work out.

It's the same reason why... But I thought they wanted us to be like that. Well, it's a very confusing message because they're like, we want you to exercise. All right, well, let me go buy some exercise clothes. They don't exist. Like, Beyonce's line only goes to an extra large.

I love Beyonce, but like, that's fucked up. It's especially fucked up because one, it's Beyonce. Like, you know, we're all about her message of inclusivity. And two, it's Adidas. And Adidas does plus size activewear. They work with plus size fitness experts.

Yes, they work with Universal Standard. Yeah. And they just had a line come out with them. And I was like, this should not have been allowed. This was very rude. Right. They shouldn't be. But yeah, it's like, then you get there.

So, like, I was going to LA Fitness in Hollywood for a while. It's a wild gym. Sometimes Hello Kitty will come in. A woman with a giant Hello Kitty head who like takes pictures on Hollywood Boulevard will just come in with her head still on. It's my favorite thing I've ever seen. But for a while people kept being like,

good job, keep coming back. And I'm like, oh, I've never. That's a fun one. Never needed that before in my life. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's a really fun one. That was another one that was happening to me in some of these group classes. And I'd be like, I come here five times a week. Why are you congratulating me? Like, just because you've never seen me here. Doesn't mean that this is my very first time. Yeah, someone once, a stranger, like a stranger in a class was like, wow, you like really kept up with everyone. And I was like, I could punch you in the face right now. Yeah, I don't think people realize how dismissive they're making you feel.

Like you're just like, you came this one time and you're doing so good have you ever like picked up someone from a fitness class like for a date uh-huh oh my god no that's interesting that's a thing that like real fit people do it's never occurred to me till right now to be like oh in a classic i classic, I'd be like, hi. Yeah. Wow. You should try that and report back. All I can think about now is how like on the apps, you know, when I had that moment, people who would write in their bio like really into people who are into fitness. I'm like, what you're trying to actually say is no fat chicks. But for some reason, being like looking for a partner who's into

fitness is okay to say yeah coded language is always okay god you just say i don't like fat women and it's okay to not like fat women i just i don't i don't think you should say i i'm only into fitness i once hooked up with this dude i might have told this story i don't know marissa tell me if i did but uh i met him on ok cupid i went to his apartment and it was like a model apartment it was filled with like faux leather furniture and he had a dry erase board have i told this i think so what was his bed like we didn't it was like a creaky bed and we fucked on the floor oh okay god please remember which episode so i can go back to it i'll just tell you real quick it ended with so i was leaving and he

goes just because i'm into fitness doesn't mean i don't like your body and then he closed the door and i was like what i had never felt crazier in my life. But yeah, that's the world we're living in where people are just real mean. It's, you know, at least they really put it out there. Yep. There's that. And then on the way home, I was like, well, at least I don't live in a model apartment. At least I have a home. Yeah.

He could have just been the leasing agent. I think he was. And I think it was like the apartment they show people because none of his stuff was in the closet. It was all folded on the floor. Oh, he did not live there. But, you know, whatever. You meet the wildest people on apps. That's like the other thing.

Like you live a life a certain way and then you meet someone who lives incorrectly and you're like, oh, this is bad. Like on one hand, it's good. Maybe it's nice to like meet people who we might never otherwise encounter. And I think that's what I love about like Instagram, for example. Like I meet all kinds of people who I never would probably interact with in my existing social circles. And that's cool. And then other times I'm like, who raised you and where'd you come from? Now you're like making me want to get back on the apps. Like I love my girlfriend

so much. And obviously I would include her in this process. But now I'm just curious. It's bad. And I feel like it's getting worse. Really? Yes. What are some of the 2020 dating trends on the apps that you've noticed? Let's see. Let's see what's going on on Tinder. Like what was the last message you got?

I haven't really been opening up Tinder very much because I'm getting ads on Tinder. So I got a message from Smile Direct Club. And it's like, fall in love with your smile straighten your teeth for 20 less than braces and i'm like what i don't want to fuck a dentist putting like what um let's see this person have you ever hit on a dentist though like no while getting your teeth done no because my mouth is open what would i say i don't know they're always talking when your mouth is open they are always talking when your mouth is open um like they're kink let's see i just love an open mouth and having a woman with a mouth open

can't talk back to me so i went back and forth talking to this guy who were just truly saying very little to each other. And he was like, so one of the first things he asked was, you got some nip pics? And I was like, nip pic? You just want a picture of my nipples? Like a just close up nipple. Nip pics? And I said, no. He no he goes ah no worries so i said just google fat black naked and then he said ha ha ha he was like what you looking for what are you into

and i was like i don't know good sex and he's like well i'm eight inches rock hard and looking to smash what part of town are you in i told told him. For sure lying, by the way. Right? I mean, who knows? Possibly, yeah. I think it's, I guess men do measure their dicks. I don't, I really don't know. Me either.

Very uneducated in this department. Inexperienced. But then he asked, you nasty? And I said, yeah, I'll slop on your dick and then he goes not on your face and i said no i'll be wearing makeup and then he rolled his eyes at me so then i was just like okay uh when are you free and he was like right now but i have to go on a run

and i was like well okay it's just been the most frustrating conversation. And then this started in June of 2019. And you're still talking to him? Every now and again, he'll be like, what are you doing? And I'll be like, I'm in New York. And he's like, for good? And I said, no, I'm back Sunday. And then he goes, you want me to clap them cheeks? And I said, sure.

And then he was like, you got an Instagram? And I said, yeah. And he's like, what is it? And I was like you got an instagram and i said yeah and he's like what is it i was like yeah don't worry about it yeah no not opening that door yeah and then uh so thursday he sent me a gif of a woman searching for something which i guess is him searching for me i don't know. He's like kind of attractive. He's got a big old surfboard in his picture. A kayak. Oh, he's sporty. He loves being outside. Have you reversed Google image searched?

I don't know how to do that. You just like screen cap a pic and then put it in Google. What? That's all they're doing on Catfish? Yes! That's literally it i thought they were due i thought they had technology that i wasn't that wasn't accessible to me that's like the whole thing with catfish it's like how is this still going on and nobody

is reverse google image searching interesting it's perplexing but so if you reverse google search me it would just show you Nicole Byer. Right. People would for sure think you're a catfish. Which is kind of funny. I've been asked a couple of times if I was a catfish and I was like, I'd pick someone better. First of all, you're great. Thank you.

Okay. But okay. So this Tinder guy, I'm sorry. I just need to ask. You've been doing this back and forth for seven months. It is time to unmatch. You think? And not send him another message?

I just sent him another message. Ask him right now. Be like, what's up? What are you doing right now? I just said, hi. Okay, I'll say, what are you doing? If he responds, I would love for you to see him within the next one to 72 hours. And if you don't, unmatch him.

That's like my personal take. I think this is very good advice. Yeah. I'll do that. Because I just feel seven months of, hey, what's going on? Like it's not going anywhere. Nope. It truly isn't.

And then this other man I was talking to, he sent me a message. He was like, I'm trying to figure out if this is real, but you talk about the minions and I listen to your podcast. So I think it is real. And I was like, OK. So then we just like talked about nothing. And then he never asked me out. Like it ended with him being like, I really like your Ursula joke and your special. And I was like, OK.

Like very kind that you like my work. I just don't. But would you like really want to date a fan anyways? Because I know. Yeah, I think it's like weird and gross. It is for me. It is weird because then I've dated people who are like yeah I know who you are uh I am a fan and I'm like okay and it's okay and then like later down the line they have like all

these questions about my friends who they also like and I'm like oh I don't know if you're like dating me or like just dating me to like oh maybe one day I get to meet my other favorite comedian have you ever dated a fan not on purpose I would like find out after the fact or like there was someone who dated one of my best friends who knew that we were friends and was a fan of mine and like on their dates kept bringing me up. And my friend just got really bad vibes about them was like, are you just dating me to like get to know Nicolette or be her friend? Because that's weird. And I was like, yeah, that's really weird. Like, do not. But yeah, there I mean, I dated someone who like pretended

they didn't know who I was for a while and then would like bring up things that I never mentioned. bring up things that I never mentioned. Oh, no. And I was like, oh. So, like, how much do you actually know? Mm-hmm. Like, how deep have you gone into the blog archive? Oh, boy.

It was very deep. That's creepy. That's so... It's dishonest. Yes, because if you know things, say it. Right. Right. And then the last person I dated who was a fan i would forget what i told them and then when they would bring up things that i was like i don't think i told you this

but i was like but i might have it was just it like fucked with my head because i was like i don't know it's like i asked my sister to stop listening to my podcast because i would go see her and she would just be talking about things that i said on the podcast. And I was like, I don't think I told you that yet. And then she was like, oh, is that weird? I was like, it's fully weird because then it's not me sharing my life with you. It's like you are following my life and then there's no need for you to talk to me. Right. And then the whole thing for me, too, was like maybe it goes back to what I was saying before about like people not having their own interests or hobbies. Like I couldn't trust that what they were telling me was honest and real or if they were like catering to what they thought I liked or what they thought I experienced.

And, ooh, it gives me chills. I hate it so much. Yeah. So that was nice when I met my girlfriend. She was like, I don't know anything about you or what you do and I don't use social media and I was like that is the hottest thing ever she doesn't use social media just now but not when we met which was great she had like five photos on Instagram I was like I love this I want someone who doesn't use social media at all but then I'm like but how will I find out about you? But then it's like,

oh, I guess by talking to you. By talking. All right, Nicolette, we've come to the end. A question I like to ask everyone. I've missed a couple of people, but would you date me? I would date you.

Yay! Yeah. I think we like, the first time we met, I said that. Maybe. Maybe it was in my head. I don't think you said it out loud to me.

No. I was with my spouse, so I probably wouldn't have said it out loud. Yeah, yeah. You know what's funny? You sold things to the Plus Bus. Oh my God, I did. Yes. And I bought one of your skirts.

I didn't realize it was one of your skirts. And I brought it up to the register and they were like, this is a Nicolette Mason exclusive. Oh my God, which one was it? It is pink tiered with flowers. Sounds cute. I love that you don't even remember. I don't remember. I have so much clothing, it's disgusting.

Same. It's bad. Yeah. I need to get rid of some things. Go to the plus bus. Maybe I will do that. Yeah, Northeast LA, it's disgusting. Same. It's bad. I need to get rid of some things. Go to the Plus Bus. Maybe I will do that. Yeah, Northeast LA, hit them up. Well, I donate everything to the Downtown Women's Shelter.

Yes. And then the last bag I donated, I had a couple pairs of stripper shoes that didn't fit me, and I was like, I don't know, maybe there's a down on their luck stripper who needs these. Why isn't there a dress for success for strippers? Because people look down on it, and'm like it's valid work sex work is work yes thousand million hundred percent it's so crazy it's like so we look down oh my god okay so the super bowl we're way off topic but whatever uh the super bowl i watched the halftime show i fucking loved it shakira killed when she went i screamed because i loved it so much yeah and then j-lo did such a beautiful job

and then her daughter was singing and then she was pole dancing and then i woke up this morning to a bunch of people being like i can't believe this was allowed my kids were watching i was like what was what what was wrong what what was bad i was so confused doesn't like budweiser aren't they like the lead sponsor why is that not a problem i don't yeah it's like so you're okay with your kid watching beer commercials and shit or like men getting permanent brain injuries because they're running into each other at full force with helmets on. Yeah. Football's not great. CTE is the real thing. Yeah.

It's crazy. It really is. What a double, triple standard. Uh-huh. And then Adam Levine last year was shirtless and nobody had a problem with that. Just say you hate women. I would rather someone go, I hated this performance because I hate scantily clad women. Yeah. Not because my children

are watching, not because it's bad for women. It's like, I hate women who are dressed like this. Be honest. Okay, cool. That's your opinion. Let's move on. Don't euphemize it all like, I love fitness. Don't be one of those people. Yeah, don't do that. Nicolette, do you have anything that you want to

promote? Myself. I mean, people can follow me all over the internet if they so wish. I'm doing a series of really fun pop-ups with Nordstrom in different cities across America. So stay tuned for those. And yeah, there's a lot of secret projects in the works. I love it i want to know about that so for now the thing i'm going to promote is registering to vote because it's a very important election year and however you choose to vote your vote matters unless you vote for donald trump but that's your i agree because um donald trump he's not nice that's my hot take uh i, he's not nice. That's my hot take. I think he's a very mean man. He's mean.

Let's see. Okay, if you like this episode of Oh, Why Won't You Date Me, you can subscribe, you can like it on iTunes, you can rate it five stars. If you send me something nasty hitting on me

or just something nasty in general, I'll read it. This says, I don't know if I've read this before. Okay, dear Nicole, I'm wildly homosexual, but I would love to hire a couple sex workers, dress them up as the Fruit of the Maloom fruit, and have them fuck us doggy style while we stoically make eye contact

until one of us comes and then leave without saying a word. Did I read this one already? Okay, Nicole, I'd love to use your pussy juice to shine captain picard's head use it as a light source and go star trekking into your voyager i'm no good at nasty funny messages to men let alone let alone women so i tried to go down the route of what your childhood crushes okay this one was on twitter nicole buyer sup mommy trying to send you something obscene here so here it goes i want to rub cheeto dust all around your areolas with mine, with my own, and then let out a Chester the Cheeto growl,

and we both boob climax at the same time from boobgasming that Rihanna invented. I didn't know Rihanna invented boobgasms. I didn't either, and she's like the background on my phone. You learn something new every day. Okay, thank you. Bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.