Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Relationship Baggage (w/ Justin Cunningham)

Episode Date: September 2, 2022

Actor and co-star Justin Cunningham (Grand Crew) chats with Nicole about recognizing toxic relationships, finding a partner who has a mutual respect for your baggage, and how his selective erectile dysfunction has become a indicator of true compatibility with a mate.  Black Lives Matter. Click here for an updated list of over 100 different things you can do to support racial justice.   Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746 

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single. Even though we could fly first class to Alaska and midway through the flight, you open the emergency door and you push me out. And then I just grab on the wing and I say, you'll never get rid of me. I still love you. My guest today is my co-star on Grand Crew.

He plays Wyatt. He is so funny. I cannot compliment him enough because watching him make choices is honestly, it feels like not, like I'm not even at a job because he makes the funniest choices and he's so funny.

It's Justinin cunningham hello thank you thank you justin thank you so much for doing this um i truly mean it like you were so fucking funny i appreciate it i try i try oh yeah getting compliments is hard i have a hard time with it too but yeah there was uh was it our last episode or second to last episode where we had to do we were drinking orange wine and doing the james brown like oh yeah you made me laugh so hard i've ruined so many takes because I'm just laughing at you. I don't even remember what I did. I can't remember.

But it was just like, oh! And then it was like your whole face, your mannerism. It was just so funny. I think because I had been listening to a lot of James Brown at that point for some reason. And I had been sort of kind of mimicking that on my own in my own spare time just walking down the street just doing all that i would love to walk down the street and see a man do that i'd be like oh he's having the best time i probably sound like a crazy person but yeah yeah. Anyway. You're never crazy. Just a lot of fun.

I have a question. I didn't know this. You grew up on a commercial farm. Yeah. That was a great specificity. Commercial farm. Yes. Yeah.

It was. Yeah. I say farm sometimes. But people don't really understand what that is. They like when I say farm, they think, oh, you must have had like chickens and like hogs. Like, no, we grew up on a commercial farm, which is like, we had thousands of chickens, like 50 to a hundred thousand

and like thousands of hogs and like hundreds of cows and like a lot of land that we would cut hay and stuff. So I grew up on a commercial, very large. We had the largest commercial farm in pope county arkansas i didn't know that i truly thought it was like i like you just said what everybody thinks so wait so commercial farming so like you weren't friends with those chickens no chickens they were getting killed and shit yeah well yeah like you you raise them like you uh you grow they were called bro chickens, which is just chickens that basically you get in like the packages you see in the store, like the chicken breasts, the thighs, stuff like that.

They're not like hens that lay. They're just like genetically modified chickens that only do one thing, which is eat, sleep, and get fat. And so then they, so you just get them plump. and get fat. And so then they, so you just, you just get them plump and then you, for a certain amount of time,

I forget how many months it was, and then you ship them out to the slaughterhouse. And then they ship you a whole new batch in from the hatchery. And you'd, we had like two houses.

I think there was around 50,000 a house. And you just had to raise them and make sure that they didn't die. And, and yeah, just keep as many as you could and and then ship them out. But but we you would commercially you would contract through. This is very is very like business lingo. But you would contract.

I've never heard the ins and outs of this. So I'm genuinely curious. Well, you would you would contract through a corporation, say like Tyson Foods or ConAgra, and they would contract out local farmers. The farmers would get a loan from the bank and they would build the houses to code to what their code was. And then they would contract them to raise the crop. And so that's what my father did. We had two chicken houses and we had 12 hog houses. And, yeah, so we did a lot of that, a lot of that growing up,

just a lot of work, work like you wouldn't believe, out in the sun, just doing the wildest, craziest things. Okay. Are cows fun to be around? That might be a real dumb question but i love a cow no see well the the thing is like people ask like oh like you ride horses like like we didn't ride horses for the sake of riding horses for fun we rode them because we had to and it was for work because you'll normally be taking cows to the sale because in the cattle industry i mean you

used to be able to make money in cattle. You would buy some cattle, buy a bull, have them breed, make you some calves, hopefully get a bull calf or a young calf, and then you'd go and sell that. And you can sell that for a good amount of money, like $700 or $800 per head. And then you just keep growing that. That'd be a really good source of supplemental income. But it doesn't work that way now because it just costs too much to maintain a herd of cattle. But my experience with cattle was always having to take them to the sale. So it was always me and my brothers, either on a four-wheeler or a horse, trying to get run over by a cow. And I've been knocked through several fences by a bull and had to jump through several. Yeah through several fences by by a bull and i had to jump

through several yeah i mean that's that's just you know that's just what we had to do i would be so mad if a cow knocked me over i'd be like are you kidding like you're just so big and cute you're gonna knock me over well we had we had i have a lot of stories about getting getting run over by by a cow or bull. The way you're describing your childhood, it reminds me of like how Forrest Gump grew up. Even though Forrest Gump didn't grow up on a farm, but like Jenny, have you ever seen Forrest Gump? Yeah. Okay, so like Jenny seemed to like grow up on like a big farming.

Oh, I think they had corn or whatever. Yeah, they had to get corn. So did you have a forest in your life growing up where you'd like run into the field? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Actually, yeah, we had a house that my dad bought. Then they built a new house right next to it. And right behind that house was like, was a lot of pasture. We had like, I think around three or 400 acres on that one lot. I don't even know what that means. Three or 400 acres. It's a good piece of land. And we had a creek that ran, a natural water source that ran right through the land, which was great to have cattle and stuff. So we had a creek that ran through and

a lot of forests back there. And when we'd have to catch cows, sometimes the cows knew you were trying to catch them. So they would go into the woods and they would send me or my brother on foot and run through the woods like like like last mohicans with daniel day lewis is like running through the woods that's what i was doing when i was growing up did you ever use the farm to like impress the ladies to be like you want to come to a farm? No. Chase some cows? No.

Okay. No, every time. So we would go in like we would have to do what we call we'd have to take out dead hogs or take out dead chickens. And we would have to go through each house and look for the corpses of these animals and pick them up and put them in a five gallon bucket, throw them in the back of the truck, either incinerate them or use them as fertilizer. And we do that every day. And so you go to school. So not sexy. No, and your hands will smell like hog shit and you'd smell like hog shit or chicken shit. And so, yeah, it wasn't sexy at all. And so, yeah, it wasn't sexy at all.

Wow. I feel like my whole farm thought, my whole farm experience, I thought it was one way, and it's definitely not that way. I thought it was, like, glamorous. You just, like, wake up, and you're like, hello, chickens who laid an egg. Hello, cows. Moo. Let's go for a walk. No, it's quite gory and expensive. expensive yeah it sounds like it oh wow it truly sounds wild um so wait when did you leave so you stayed in arkansas and you went

to you went to like college in arkansas right the university of arkansas yeah yeah i went to the university of arkansas i left there at like 2005, a place called Atkins, Arkansas, where I grew up. And then I went to Fayetteville, Arkansas, Northwest Arkansas. Went to school there for a number of years and then graduated, then went to New York to study in New York at grad school. And then, yeah. So, yeah. So, wait, was grad school Juilliard? Yeah, grad school was Juilliard.

I love that you went to Juilliard. Did I ever tell you I auditioned was grad school Juilliard? Yeah, grad school was Juilliard. I love that you went to Juilliard. Did I ever tell you I auditioned to go to Juilliard? I think so. My monologues went pretty good, if I do say so myself. And then they said, ma'am, can you sing? And boy, oh boy, I watched all those smiles turn right upside down. And then I didn't get in. What was your audition like?

What monologues did you do? And what song did you sing, if you can remember? Oh, I think, if I can remember, I did a monologue, of course, from A Raisin in the Sun. Of course! We love Lorraine! It was the eggs monologue. It was like, oh, my eggs, my eggs, damn my eggs. And I did something from Antony and Cleopatra.

Okay. And then I sang a song from the Scottsboro Boys, which was a musical that was on Broadway a while back with Coleman Domingo. Oh, okay. Anyway, so yeah, I sang that song. I don't think my Shakespeare went over very well, but my song did because it was acapella. And then they were like, oh, he can sing. I was like, yeah, a little bit.

So it was very Black narrative driven audition. Yeah, I like that. I did Fat Pig by Neil LaButte, which is a beautiful play and so fucked up at the end. But all of Neil LaButte, which is a beautiful play and so fucked up at the end. But all of Neil LaButte's shit is just twisted. And then I did Twelfth Night because I really love Twelfth Night. I think the story is just like, it's just so fun. And then my song was There Are Worse Things I Could Do.

And they were like, no, this is the worst thing you can do is sing for us oh it was so bad it shouldn't really matter though like if you if you can quote unquote sing or not like it's just if you have the confidence to not feel like you uh hate yourself when you sing but uh but yeah i think it's just like just in case you have to sing in something, we want you to be able to carry a tune. We can't turn you loose into the world. Bad at something. Oh, you have to sing no matter what. In the third year, there's a whole thing called cabaret where you get up and you sing songs.

Oh, really? It's the whole evening. It's just the whole class is singing different show tunes. Oh. Who knows if they do it now? Who knows if they still do it now? I know their school has changed a lot since I've left. That sounds like fun to just have cabaret time with your friends

and just sing a little bit. I keep thinking about doing a tour where I just sing poorly and just never acknowledge that I'm singing poorly. Because I genuinely love singing. I'm just so terrible at it. Yeah, well, I mean, I think it takes, it just takes practice. I don't think I knew I could sing until I was in undergrad. And I think a music teacher just kind of locked me and this other lady in because we had like

a solo in a musical and she was like, okay, you guys are going to sing. Here's how we do it. And she just let us go. And I was like, okay, you guys are going to sing. Here's how we do it. And she just let us go. And I was like, oh, I actually can. I think I can sing. And yeah, it just takes practice, I think. I've never had that experience. Although I do have a singing teacher now.

Her name is Anne. I love her very much. She sages me to get all of my like, all my bad thoughts out of me so I can just, it's the only thing that embarrasses me. That and pulling too far in an intersection when the light turns red because then I'm like everybody knows I'm a bad driver when did you when did you discover that like acting and performing was something that you

wanted to do it was kind of uh I feel, do I get Zola? Sorry, because that's a complicated question. It's a complicated question because it's a multi-answered sort of question. So there was a time when I was graduating high school where I was unsure of what my path would be. school where I was unsure of what my path would be. I was getting a lot of, I was getting very anxious about, uh, going to college because my brothers or my brother wanted me to go to the university of Arkansas with him. Uh, my second older brother was in the Marines. He was overseas fighting and, uh, I didn't know what I wanted to do. Uh, I knew that I kind of wanted to kind of be an actor or I wanted to like do comedy because I was good at making people laugh.

I grew up in a really, really, I know these people will deny it, but I grew up in a really racist town. And we were one of the only Black families there and one of the only Black farming families in that region. And a lot of things that I had to do growing up had to be to coddle people a little bit in order to make them feel comfortable. So I had to learn how to make people laugh, make people like me. And so I cultivated that a little bit while growing up. And I knew that I had a skill for that. So one day I had to go check the chickens because you have to check chickens every night before you go to sleep because something may happen. A water line may burst. A fan may cut off.

They may smother to death. So you have to make sure that the crop is doing good. So I would go check these chickens by myself. My parents were separated at the time, I think. And so I was doing these chores at like 14, 15. I was probably about 17 by the time I was think. And so I was, I was doing these, uh, these chores and like 14, 15, I was probably about 17 by the time I was getting ready to graduate. And, um, I had an old, an old hand me down car. It was a Jaguar XJ six. It didn't, it didn't, it was a nice car, but it didn't work. Sometimes the brakes work sometimes. Yeah. Sometimes the brakes worked. The windshield

wipers didn't work. The battery blew up one time. Um, um but i i went out to check the chickens it was like midnight and i laid on my car and i was and i was about to graduate i think the next couple of weeks and i was like uh so just give me a sign give me a sign what i what i should be doing for my life and uh so i was asking the heavens and so then I the next day, my drama teacher, when I was my Spanish teacher, was like the neighboring town is doing a modeling competition. You should you should enter in. And they have a scholarship to a modeling agency where they have acting classes. So long story short, I did a little modeling thing, a little runway thing. One won the thing, went and took the acting classes.

And I was like, oh, this is something I kind of feel like is possible. The modeling agency wanted to sign me. I was like, I don't know what this means. And so I went to the University of Arkansas. I was studying business because I was listening to everybody else. And then I was like, you know what? I'm going to follow what that was way back when and found my people in theater. And I've kind of been on that path ever since.

But it sort of changed in that one night where I just kind of asked the universe to give me some sort of direction because I didn't know what to do or where to go. And it kind of just dropped this little drop in this ocean of possibilities. And that's what's led me to here. Yeah. So did you change your major in college from business to theater? Yeah, business to theater, because I was letting everybody tell me, it's like, oh, you got to have like a fallback plan. You ain't gonna make no money, you know, doing this and doing that. And, you know, everyone was, everyone doubted everything. Even when I chose to go to, in a theater, people, you know, doubted and talked down on it and belittled it. Even when I got into Juilliard, they were like, oh, well, hopefully you can get a job after that.

I'm like, you know. Oy. But yeah, it's been a struggle with family. But I've learned to disassociate sort of those areas of my life from what my career is because I can't let that affect me the way it has affected me. Where it's kind of coming through now, nowadays, which a lot of therapy is helping me with. I mean, I don't know if it's Black families that do that, that like minimize. I feel like it's an extreme. Black families either either celebrate that you you know put a book away they're like oh that's my baby she put that book away so fast or it's just like they don't give a shit like i was working for a very long time and grand cruz the first project that like most of my family was like so you do act and you do do shit and we

watch it's good i was like i've been working for a decade i've been working so fucking hard and and now so yeah i also talk about that in therapy because it feels insane to me like my grandmother maybe three years ago was like are you gonna go back to college and i was like bitch no no i'm doing okay yeah i mean i mean yeah it's the exact same way with with my family with grand crew uh that that it was sort of cousins came out of nowhere uh i'm i'm your cousin you must not remember me like i don't i don't remember you i don't know where you came from and why are you asking me for money but that's been happening a lot so wait you were on broadway in king lear yeah what was broadway like

because i grew up being a real uh stage door little rat where i go see broadway shows wait after get my playbill signed or whatever broadway is like truly like one of the biggest dreams that i don't know when i'll achieve it because it is so intense it's eight shows a week yeah it's in front of people every show is different you have to be so present every fucking day um and i just i it's just this undertaking that like really excites me but i'm also like not a type you know i gotta get a little bit older before you know i could be mama and raising a son i'm not the ingenue or whatever um but what was it like performing on broadway it was it was pretty cool um i i so i did that show. It was, uh, Sam gold directed it.

Um, it was, uh, uh, Glenda Jackson, Glenda Jackson playing Lear. Uh, Ruth Wilson was playing Cordelia and,

and the fool, uh, you know, Ruth Wilson. She was in, uh, I think that showtime show, the,

the affair. And then, uh, yeah. And, with that show with Idris Elba, uh, Luther, I's great. being in a show with um or a broad or like not but a theater show with um sort of like these kind of celebrities and seeing what they have to deal with um just outside of the show it was it

was a unique experience it's it's hard to describe it because it wasn't the best experience uh doing the work you know you work with uh actors who are used to doing things a certain way, and they bring a lot of that sort of energy into the room that's not really conducive to the best working environment. adjust to because when you're on a show that is dealing with a lot of money a lot of money's being put into it a lot of money's being earned on it um smaller characters like my character and and things like that kind of get put to the wayside and you kind of get uh swept up in this shuffle of like we're just churning out this this show we're just getting people butts in the seat and this guy's good he's he people know this director so we're gonna throw another show up and and like i don't know it's it's a unique experience but being on that stage because it was at the um he was at the court theater which is which is a cool really cool

theater um um but being on that stage and uh performing, you know, it's kind of a dream come true. I never imagined myself being in that position to like be on Broadway and have lines and do fight choreography and actually sing as well on stage. Yeah, it was a unique experience, both artistically, but technically in the business side of it was kind of like jarring just to see some of the behavior and the sort of the professional language that people were sharing with each other in terms of how they interact in that in that in that arena yeah i don't know if that explained it without going too much into detail i think it explains it when because i've worked with uh people who are a little further along in their career than me who treat people a certain way and i've been so surprised yeah and like like i just i have a friendly face so like people generally don't know when i'm like oh no like or like disapproving or something but i've been there where i'm like oh i guess they get to just speak to people however they want and then i'm like oh i never

want to be like that or like i never want to do half the work. There's some actors who get lines fed. There's some actors who use cue cards. And I just don't ever want to not be doing the work. Yeah. And it's interesting because when you get to a certain level, like nobody expects anything from you except for the product. And it doesn't matter how you get to the product.

It doesn't matter how you act to people just as long as they have what they need to sell. And that's very fucking weird. Yeah, for me, that's been a really hard pill to swallow. You know, just working in that arena and then doing, you know, a few TV things and kind of seeing how people are going about it. I'm just like, I just don't, you know, coming from where I come from, where it's always been about the work, where it's like, if you didn't work, you didn't eat, you know, you didn't really have a place to sleep. If you didn't work, it was, it was no option to not do the work. And, um, and just to see, I'm learning,

I think, to let go of certain things of my, my expectation of of what everybody else is and how I work, because it may not be the same. Like for that experience on Broadway, my experience of working is not the same as someone else's. They come from a totally different place or a totally different country. They may do things totally different thing with it. But I think that thing is totally normal. And I'm like, that's I'm like that's not but it but it might be and i and i have to have some grace about that so uh that's also i guess the thing i've been learning just from those types of experiences but yeah it's a really hard pill to swallow when you when you observe those things yeah and then just mitigating a hundred different personalities like yeah you

know from the person who's two lines to the person who's the lead it's just like boy oh boy you gotta just interact with people and sometimes it gets a little overwhelming where i'm like yeah but on grand crew i get so happy because like i love running lines because i have learned of something i think our scripts are really well written so i think they're easier to memorize than other things I've done. But I just have like, I switch words sometimes, and I have a hard time memorizing lines on my own, and I love running lines. And everyone is always down to run them.

And it makes me so happy, because sometimes I'll go to other sites and I'll be like, hey guys, do you want to just run some lines? And they're like, no. And I'm like, hey, okay, let me find a PA, butter them up and maybe they'll run lines with me. Yeah. No, no. I think it's because like, we're all, you know, this is an opportunity. I think that we all really appreciate when it comes down to it. It's like, we don't, we don't really take it for granted and we all want to do the best job that goes with everybody that's involved with the project we all want to do our best work and so we're all there to support each other which is what is so great about this show

you know i i feel like i have not been on the show for a while that has felt like that that people are there just to support each other and like we're not we're not trying to show up and show out you know and you know be measured you know our egos it's just we're here to show up yeah that's another thing i love we let each other be funny like if someone has super funny lines in the scene nobody's trying to like undercut them or be like i'm the funniest one we kind of just like let everybody have their turns and i've been on sets where oh boy there's gonna be one person who's gonna be the funniest and they'll maybe take something that you improvised for themselves anywho it's it's acting in hollywood is truly just very interesting in general the longer i'm in it the longer i'm like huh yeah what is this what are we all doing? Yeah. Yeah. I've been in that boat the last maybe year or so thinking about my life choices.

Oh, Lord. Yeah. Sometimes I'm like, do I just want to move to like Nebraska and like open a bead store? I've been driving through New Mexico coming here. I'm like, I could live in Albuquerque. This place looks kind of cool or flagstaff arizona yeah i could i just guess i could get a science degree and just settle down and have a family and own a house buy things jesus i just don't think i'd be happy yeah i mean

i i fear that i i fear that if if i a career, because I really have been considering it. My reps will probably be surprised to hear me saying this. But yeah, I really have been thinking about, you know, changing careers, maybe retiring and choosing something else because yeah like like when i think about it i've done everything that i've wanted to do in my career i've i've gone to a good school i've done off broadway i've done a musical i've recorded an album yeah i've been tv television i haven't shot a film though i actually have a couple but but uh but i've done everything that I wanted to do. And, and when it comes down to it, you know, the, it's, it's very taxing. I don't think people realize how, how taxing it is to, to be in this line of work of the constant, you know, sort of, um, things you're having to put yourself through emotionally and, uh, and, uh, career wise. Um,-wise. It can be taxing. And then after a while, it starts to wear on you, I think, a little bit. And I think it's wore on me a little bit

because I haven't taken a break since I was 18 or 19. I haven't had a vacation since probably 15, I haven't had a vacation since probably 15, but I've been working at this thing for the majority of my life. And it's like, okay, maybe either I need a break or I need to retire. But either I need a break or I need to retire. But I've been looking at grad schools for science degrees. I've been looking at and just seeing like, what else? if i was to leave this what would i possibly do then i would think you know i wouldn't be happy because this this is this is what i was made to do i think from that moment on laying on that hood this is what i chose to do and so whether that's a midlife crisis or whatever

i will have to figure out a way to get through it. So, yeah, I mean, I feel the same way. Sometimes I'm like, maybe I'll just be the funniest server at a Red Lobster. And then I'm just like, I do love what I do. But like, I just put myself on tape for an audition this morning. And then after finding out the process of casting where it's like, oh, they usually have like three offers out. They'll do, you know, auditions. And then maybe if those three offers fall through, then they'll look at tapes tapes or sometimes they do look at tapes from the beginning but they have people in mind

that they want and it's like you're up against so much to against so many people to get one part and like i did the audition today and i did it to the best of my abilities i memorized my lines i made choices and then i was like but this is probably for nothing yeah yeah a lot of that like i i almost feel like like getting grand crew was like like just luck like a lot of times it's just really just sort of strange twist of of uh the stars of lightning and that's how you get something um the other day like this is also a thing that i was saying maybe i should just be a casting director because i've just been auditioning for the wildest stuff in the wildest circumstances that don't take

into account the actors. I got an audition the other day. That was a next day audition. It was 19 pages. Yep. And it's a self-tape, right? So they're like, since you're not coming in, you're doing this at home, you have all the time in the world to memorize 19 fucking pages.

That's insane. At that point, hire me yeah i'm doing the job 19 pages due the very next day uh has to be divided into nine separate because it was 19 pages but nine scenes so it has to be nine separate clips so it's like that's like two and a half hours of editing on top and so i didn't have a reader i had to record my own lines respond to my own lines i could i couldn't memorize the line so i had i had used my i bought a teleprompter for this specific thing so i had i had a teleprompter i have my ipad to project the lines i have to record with my phone and it's That's a lot. And then I like if you don't have a reader, if you don't have someone who can just come over in a pinch.

I don't think casting directors realize how hard it is to record the other lines. Leave enough room for the choices you make. And God forbid you make a different choice. And then you overlap. Then you have to start over. Ooh, I've been there. I take that as an argument. If I if I accidentally take too much time, my other line starts. I'm like, oh, I've been there. I take that as an argument. If I, if I accidentally take too

much time and my other line starts, I'm like, Oh, I just use it. I just use it. I just use it. I will. I can't tell you. There was this one audition that it took me like two, maybe three hours to put myself on tape for like, I think it was like 10 pages or something because I miscalculated a chunk of time for this like one monologue. And then my next lines kept. Oh, it was truly, truly wild. I hated it. I would say when you're when you're recording the separate lines, read your lines, too.

But with like a slower pace that takes a little bit of time. So that gives you a wider. So that gives you a sort of sense inside your mind of how long it's going to take. But yeah, I did that 19 page thing sitting in nine different scenes my both my agent managers were like how did you get this done i was like because that's what we have to do yes because if you want the job you'll fucking do it and i think that i do think that uh casting directors do understand that that that's that they know that that's unacceptable, that that's like a really outrageous thing to ask of an actor is to give 19 pages to be due by the next day

in the morning time, Eastern. You know, so I'm already three hours behind. And I think they do know. They do know and that's unacceptable. It's unacceptable. And I'm sure it was like a conversation with the producer and the producer's like, well, that's what we want. We're like, okay, like, guess I'll send send it out and that's why you need a casting director that's going to say no you need to make this three to four pages come back

with something if you don't have it in three or four pages you don't know what you're doing correct so you know what you want by like i had robert devonzo was the acting teacher i had he's like people make a choice in the first three lines. If you can't memorize the whole thing, just memorize the first three lines. Cause they'll have made their decision as you look down for your fourth line. And I was like, huh?

Okay. And every tape I have ever watched of myself to like critique or criticize or like what, what other choices am I going to make within the first three lines? I know if it's a good tape or not. Yeah. And I, I think there's something to that. I haven't done a good tape in five or six months

i highly doubt that real quick we gotta take a break we're back okay justin we talked a lot about acting and whatnot but let's talk about boxing oh yeah yeah you've taken up boxing well well i've been i've been boxing for about 13 to 14 years just kidding you've been boxing been boxing. But I haven't really seriously started training to like the last maybe two and a half years. So yeah, I box, I think now basically every day. I'm going to go right after this. I swore I was going to take a rest day today because I did 5,000 calories yesterday.

Damn. So, yeah. Oh, Lord. What do you eat to make up 5,000 fucking calories? I'm not really fasting. I just don't have a large appetite whenever I'm working out this hard. So I just usually have like a breakfast burrito in the morning. And then sometimes I'm good for the rest of the day.

I'll have a pre-workout with the protein. I think you see it up there, protein, the creatine. And I have my multivitamins that I take. But that burrito is like a large burrito. So I'll eat like half of it and then I'll come back home and eat like another half of it and I'm good. So I'll probably eat like maybe 1200 calories and then I'll end up burning at least 4000 at the end of the day. But I have enough energy somehow. I don't know how it's possible, but I have enough energy. But recently, I've been boxing at this place called Tiger Boxing. So it's a fantastic boxing gym.

It's a little small gym owned by Tiger Nwokolo, who's a Nigerian Olympian boxer back in the 80s and 90s. And I think he's in his 60s now, and he trains people. And I go there nearly every day. And I have been wanting to start sparring because they have sparring on Sundays. And I've been kind of trying to work myself up to have enough stamina for three rounds of sparring. How long is three rounds? Like three minutes.

So yeah. So three minutes around? Yeah. But it's like fighting someone and then getting hit in the face. Yeah. Okay. Okay. But like your stamina has to be so that you can last those three rounds.

Because when you're fighting or even working mitts with someone you're you're so uh intensely focused and your adrenaline's going that you're going to be burning a lot more you're going to get way way more tired way way more quickly so i have to learn how to build my stamina up to uh to get ready for that type of thing so i don't get uh injured or hurt because uh yeah you can get hurt or you know if even if you're going light or like half, 50% or 30%, you can still get hurt. But I was watching a few of the boxers there spar, and I was like, you know what? I feel like I want to spar because I feel like I'm in a place in my life where I'm talking about maybe a career change, changing things up. But I think a lot of that spurns from fear. Fear of the unknown.

And a lot of my anxiety stems from that. Just this kind of fear of things going wrong. And I was like, maybe this is a metaphor for how I should face my life. If I get into that ring and face that fear of getting hit in the face, face that fear of maintaining control of my body and my form while I, while I do a thing, maybe that I can, maybe I can learn a few lessons about myself. A lot of boxers will say like,

when you're getting into the ring, you're not facing the opponent, you're facing yourself. So it's, so it's like, how can I get in that? How can I have the courage to, in the,

in the discipline, the train to get in there and face myself in a, in a metaphorical way, but also yeah i like that that's real deep i'm facing myself i don't think i could fight though i'm just like too pretty to get hit in the face maybe like ouchies i gotta go bye bye yeah yeah i i need to do it soon because i can't we can't i because I can't start shooting if I have a black eye or broken nose. And then they'll be really mad at me. Yeah, they'll be like, Justin, how dare you? We need continuity.

I guess Wyatt just has a broken nose this episode. Yeah. Well, this is a dating podcast, so I got to do my due diligence. Are you on any of the apps? No, no, I don't. I don't do apps. I don't do. Really?

You've never done them? I have for like a second. Every time I do it for like maybe a week and I'm like, this is I can't. And then I just delete it because it's just it's just weird. It's just I just meet so many weird people. And it's just I just I can't. many weird people. And it's just, I just, I can't. And so I just let all that go. I mean, I wish I could let it go, but I'm just swiping away.

It's just, okay, I'm going to look at my app real quick. I just feel like I just can't get traction with people that i've messaged like we'll go back and forth and then i'll just like go away or they're just a fucking weirdo i feel like everybody is weird there was this man he just opened up with what city you in and iA. And he said, cool. And then nothing else. Cool. Yeah. I was like, are you just taking a survey of all the people you've matched with just to, like, figure out where they all live? And then he's, like, two miles from me.

So I'm like, obviously we live close. What city are you in? Oh, L. in oh la okay and that's it cool that's yeah that's that's the type of i i think i used to get do i recognize you i'm like possibly i've done some tv and they're like no it's not you you shouldn't do that and then they'll and then they will they think you're catfishing yeah like i'm like no it's not you you shouldn't do that and then they'll and then they will they think you're catfishing yeah like i'm like no that's just like my actual photo i just don't have any good photos so i used to i use these carpet photos that's that's all i have and so so i i don't know if i've told this story before on the podcast but when i was living in new york i was working at this restaurant called chat and chew and john mulaney came in and i was like oh he's cute and then i sat him at a table and i was

like what do i know you from he's like i don't know and i said i know you from somewhere just being the most annoying person and then he was like i've been on television before and i was like that's not it but here's my number and i after i saw him on tv i was like oh oh i did just know him from tv but i don't know why people do that i don't know why that's human nature to be like what do i know you from i don't nobody fucking knows what you know them from unless you can like together be like that party we went to or whatever yeah i always always feel very uncomfortable like talking about any of my any of my career stuff because i'm like i don't know i don't because i think i think one time i was on a subway in new york and i had just done or or it just released was when they see us and people thought that i was like the real kevin richardson and this girl was looking at

me on the train and just started weeping just looking at me and just started crying and i was like um that is really awkward and she was trying to walk up to me and like say something i was like i'm just the actor just the actor just the actor i'm not not actually him. Wow. That is like a wild thing where people, it's like, it's him. No, no, no. No, no. Acting. Yeah. What's like the wildest date you've been on?

Have you met any like full-blown crazy people? I'm sure I have, but I try to do my best not to judge people. But I have met some people that, oh, Lord. There was one experience. I was at Juilliard, and I took an opera singer. And I think opera singers are notorious for being kind of divas and uh and uh i took an opera singer out to eat we were going to go to like a ramen place and the place was really popular and there was like a line i was like oh i didn't realize

it's gonna be a line uh there's a little waiting list i was like do you want me to go uh write down a name on the waiting list she was like can you just go do that? Can you go do that? And I was like, you know what? There's a taco place right over here. I'm going over here. Let's go over here. And I ate tacos in front of her. I think she had like one. I had like five.

I did not care at that point. I was like, this person is so rude. And then there was a date. Yeah, I'm trying not to judge. Because I want to be open and as graceful with people as I possibly can. But then there was one date where I was talking to

someone and they were talking about telepathy and they could talk to me. Telepathy is moving your stuff with your mind? Well, like communicating with people. Or reading thoughts. Oh, okay. Communicating with people and uh well like communicating with people oh okay communicating people and that they could communicate with aliens and oh no you know and you know and i was like you

know i'm i'm open to like hearing what what you're talking about maybe just some things i just don't understand or know but in the back of my mind i'm like going like oh oh lord i don't have time for this but um but that person's a very very very nice. But I don't think it's a match. But yeah, that's the extent because I've just been such a career oriented person that I haven't really gone on a lot of dates. Up until now, really, I think more now I'm kind of looking at ease with clear eyes about what I actually want. Well, what do you actually want? Because I'll tell you something as soon as this comes out. Them DMs will be full! What I value in a person is because, and I say this because I have been realizing in therapy in the last few months that I've actually been in a lot of emotionally abusive relationships, a lot of toxic relationships where I was sort of at the brunt of it and got out of one when I was back in New York earlier this year that was really, really toxic and really, really abusive and didn't really realize it until it was happening in the moment.

But I think what I value in someone is understanding and having grace about people and their flaws. And because I understand that everyone comes with their baggage, they come with their own sort of traumas that they're carrying. And I want people to be able to see those things and not judge them and not hold them either, not try to take them on, but to be more understanding, have a little more grace about someone else inside a relationship and just to give a more open understanding and welcoming vibe for someone who is, who is flawed, but who may also be working on themselves.

And yeah, I've been in a lot of, where people, that's not reciprocated, this sort of understanding that we can share. We can share. We can't carry each other's load, but we can share what the load is and have an understanding about what that load is and what we're going through and not expect the other to fix it and not expect also to just fix it alone. But we can actually share this load or we can talk about the load. We can just have an understanding with each other and come to that and meet with that consistently.

That's something that I value. And that's a vague answer, but it covers a broad— I don't think it's vague. It sounds like you just are looking for like clear communication, empathy, and understanding that's super mutual. Yeah.

Yeah. You said it way better than I did. I want this because I need this thing that you wrap it around and you put it under because that's that's vague jackass well I think I'm at the same point where I'm like I just I love I think I love communication I think I really just want someone to understand that like I have ADHD I just say

what comes to my brain and sometimes I haven't completely thought it out so it's, I just need you to understand that we're like on a journey to figure out what I actually mean. And it might not be what I first said or whatever. Yeah, I think relationships, they seem hard. The more I think about them, the more I'm like, boy, oh boy, like talking about mitigating a bunch of actors personalities. It's like mitigating two people's personalities seems wild to me and then people who have like multiple partners i'm like how on earth how on earth do you

get accustomed to one person's personality wants and needs and then have a whole other person's wants and needs that are different from this other person and different than yours it just seems very overwhelming yeah i feel like i've been in that type of scenario and for me that was that was an abusive scenario because it was just that person didn't care you know they they didn't they didn't value what i needed or what i what i or where i was and um they made it my problem you know they gaslit you know everything like oh what you you knew this you knew this um going in that i wasn't gonna care and it's like what does that mean yeah so it's my fault you treated me like shit that's an insane thing that people will do

to you it's like well you knew what i was like and i was like and it's just like okay sure maybe i knew what you were like but also i don't know you could just be nicer yeah but but i also would you know communicated like i need i think i need this and i think going forward i'll need this can you can you do that and then they'll say yeah that way you have a little contract that if you get into an argument you can be like, here's the receipt of where you said this. And that's that's kind of gaslighting for me, too. But at the same time, it's honest. But but I think from those experiences I've just learned, it's like I can't expect people to to to treat me the way that I want to be treated, especially if I'm not if I don't communicate.

I can't have people live up to an expectation that's uncommunicated and that's unrealistic. So I just try to lead with a little bit more grace when it comes to relationships, I think. I like that. Leading with grace sounds like a nice thing. I'm trying. Yeah, maybe I'll lead with grace.

I don't know. I don't know how to be graceful. I just know how to be me. Okay, we have to take one more break. Do you think dating is easier or harder in New York versus LA? I think it's hard both places. I think it's just about it's equally hard both places. Here in L.A., I try to go out on a date.

The person just flakes and never shows up. That's happened several times. But it's all the time, actually. But then New York is just it's just intense because the city is intense. And then the intensity of emotions intense because the city is intense. And then the intensity of emotions flying back and forth is intense. And yeah, it's just harder. I've had the most success. The most success.

I like it like it's a game. But I've had the most success relationship-wise in the Midwest, actually. Interesting. Because everything's a little bit slower and easier people people are a little bit more you know um open in spite of you know what region they may be in but people you know they value things at a higher at a higher level than we do say in new york because new york is kind of everything you have to let everything fall off your back kind of kind of same thing in la You have to let everything fall off your back. Kind of the same thing in L.A.

You have to kind of keep your head down, keep moving. But in Midwest areas where you're able to actually sit and take in things, people are able to sit and take in you, which is a cool thing. That's what I've experienced. I mean, it may not be true. I may be full of crap, but whatever. No, I don't know. I don't.

I think your experience is your experience. And I think it's unfair to say, well, maybe maybe it's not. Maybe I'm full of crap but whatever no i don't know i don't i think your experience is your experience and i think it's unfair to say well maybe maybe it's not maybe i'm full of crap i don't know i don't think you should discount yourself but maybe i should move to montana is that the midwest yeah i think i think so what is the midwest if people say midwest is arkansas i'm like that's the south right that's the south that's the south but but I'm like, that's the South, right? That's the South. That's the South. But, um,

I guess I suppose that's Midwest is Oklahoma. The Midwest. Yeah. But you don't want to, you don't want to, no, you don't want nothing. Oklahoma.

You don't want nothing from Oklahoma. Um, Justin, do you have any advice for me in terms of how I should approach gentlemen? How you should approach? Yeah, like how do you like being hit on? Oh, how do I like being hit on? I don't like being hit on.

Okay, duly noted. Don't say anything to me i think i think that well no it's it's no it's not it's not trying to like i think the notion of trying to be something for someone is where people get in trouble because you're not fully just being yourself i think people will see you i know you've probably heard this so many times and it's probably very cliche to say but it's like just be yourself no it's not it's not just be yourself but it's like be okay with yourself be okay be okay to to not have to pursue someone be okay um just if you can sit in a in a bar and and be okay completely content by yourself then you're good.

Somebody's going to notice that and people will be attracted to that. Not that you're there alone by yourself. Well, that's a whole other thing when it comes to women in general being alone by themselves. But I'm saying metaphorically or emotionally, if you can understand what makes you happy, what you need for yourself, it may not be a partner. It may not be anybody else. And maybe it just means that you need to take some time alone. You need to experience different scenarios by yourself, have your own life experiences. Maybe you need to step away, but you'll start to learn who it is that you are and what it is that you

actually need. And those things will be attracted to you. They will start coming to you. So I would say for me, I don't like being hit on because that means that's that person trying to get something from me that I don't think they fully understand because they don't know me. They don't know me. So if someone is interested in me then we can have a conversation we can talk we can get to know each other but how do you do that um i mean yeah i guess you can like hit on people but you're like this this whole game aspect of having game i don't i don't really prescribe to because i've never had game. I've never tried to have game, but I've always tried to be myself.

And if someone didn't accept me and what I cared about, what I thought, then that person is not for me. There's also another thing I probably shouldn't share, but I will because I don't care. I'm grown. I don't care. So in my 30s, we only got a little bit of time, but in my 30s, I've started to experience erectile dysfunction. But only in certain cases because it works just fine. But what has happened now is if I am not interested in this person, it won't work. It just doesn't work.

Because that's my body telling me, this is something that's not good for you. And you feel it and you know it. So it's not good for you. And when it does feel good, like this person is interesting, I vibe with this person. Everything feels great. Everything feels normal. But when it's not good, like you just kind of listen to yourself and like I'm able to listen to myself

and like know these things. But yeah, men go through it. We all experience it. Yeah, I mean, I think we should destigmatize it. Also, I think you might be onto something that maybe it's not erectile dysfunction maybe it's truly just your body saying you don't need this person so we're not here for it and then men are like but i wanna fuck so then we created you know pills and shit to like combat it and

it's like no maybe you just live in it and that person's not for you right that's and i think i realized that like like the second time it happened i was like my body really just does not want this person and it's like i think i need to listen to that and like i have listened to that and yeah it's like it's like it's like it's like my my my penis is is like a gentleman in a smoking jacket. Like, you don't want to do that today, sir. It's very bougie. I don't want that. No, get me away from me.

But it's more mental, too. Because I was thinking, I was like, remember something wrong? I was like, I'll go to the doctor. Maybe I should take some ginseng. But I was like, no, it was like my anxiety about this person. My consciousness is telling me something and I don't need to pursue that because it's not good for me. And then when I do pursue it, it's not, it turns out bad. I'm like, yeah, I should have listened to myself. So yeah, when it comes up to like, to like hitting on guys, I would say don't myself. So yeah, when it comes to like, to like hitting on guys, I would say don't and just,

and just focus on what it is that you really want. And that may be a deep conversation that you have to have with yourself. You have to start meditating. I started meditating a little bit, which is helpful, but, but gaining a better understanding of who you are and what you need in life may not necessarily be from somebody else. It may be from yourself. Okay. I like that. All right, Justin, we have come to the end. I do have a question that I ask all of my guests. Would you date me?

Absolutely. Absolutely. Like, you're very funny. You're very fun. You're very interesting. You're very intuitive. And, yeah, like, you bring a lot to the fucking table so i mean justin it's a no-brainer so yeah thank you well do you have anything that you want

to promote no i'm not working on anything new i'm not working on anything well i'll say this grand crew is coming back for season two. I have no idea when it's going to air, but we start shooting it next month. I'm so excited about it. Justin, thank you so much for being here. Thank you for having me. I really appreciate it. It was a lovely conversation.

And the last part I do think is something that's important for people to hear. And I think you may have changed someone's perspective on something that they thought was a problem that actually isn't a problem. That is just your body being intuitive. So I really appreciate you sharing that. That being said, if you write a dirty message hating on me and you send it to whywantyoudatebepodcast at gmail.com,

Mars, my producer, goes through it. So please don't send her any dick pics she doesn't want them they'll never make it to me but if you write me something hitting on me i'll read it this person said hi nicole i came back from a trip in alaska which is the inspiration for this message i want to stick my mount denali into your wet uh kenji forge you'll moan so loudly that'll break off all the remaining glaciers, which will melt into the ocean, raise their levels, and completely submerge and demolish

all the coastal cities in just minutes. Yes, many people will perish, but at least we'll both feel wanted. It's pretty funny. Yeah, it's quite poetic. Yeah, pretty poetic. People will perish, but at least we'll have attention.

Okay, bye-bye that's it for why won't you date me with me nicole byer why won't you date me is produced and engineered by oh the sweetest woman i know marissa melnick it is executive produced by other wonderful people adam sacks joanna solo Solo-Taroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a treat. What a dream. This has been a Team Coco production.