Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Rewriting the Tinder Bio (w/ John Stamos)

Episode Date: October 14, 2022

Actor and heartthrob John Stamos (Full House, You, Big Shot) is here to figure out the core of Nicole's dating issues. Stamos tells the story of how he met his wife while acting together on Law & Order: SVU, shares his favorite memories of Bob Saget, and rewrites Nicole's dating app bio.  Plus, Nicole continues to match with some wackos on Tinder.  Black Lives Matter. Click here for an updated list of over 100 different things you can do to support racial justice.   Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me and Nicole Byer tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could come in my contact lens case and tell me it's a new solution. I'm just kidding. I have to keep it family friendly. Let me think of a different one.

That's not fine. That's fine, Nicole. I know what the show is. Okay, John. You're promoting a children's thing. No, I'm not. Hold on. I'm not done with my intro. My guest today is an American actor and heartthrob. Why does it have to be an American actor? Who put that in there?

What does it matter where I'm from? I don't know why it matters where you're from. Go ahead. But I think this is the intro it matters where you're from. Go ahead. But I think this is the intro that maybe your publicist wanted. Go ahead, Whoopi. And it says Whoopi on her Zoom. I'm not being sarcastic. I'll stay quiet.

No, you don't have to. Listen. I won't. Okay. My guest today is an actor from America and a heartthrob from America who you know from American General Hospital. American Full House. You can't. You. I'm big in India, too.

Maybe we should hit India. And India's favorite ER and so much more. His high school basketball series Big Shot returns for season two only on Disney Plus. I am joined by, get ready to learn his name, John Stamos. Thank you, Nicole. That was good. Can we try another take where we get a little more energy?

A little more energy. I'm kidding. How are you, dear? It's good to see you. My wife and I, we were at a party last night. We were driving home. We turned on your podcast. A little more energy. And then I listened to you. I was like, oh yeah, I have to do that. She's so funny. Oh, John, I love this so much. Wait, so let's get into it. How did you meet your wife? We're getting right into it, huh?

Yeah, I want to know. Let me ask you a question. So are you dating someone now? I am going on dates with people, but nothing is like official. And I'm just, you know, famously single. That's who I am. So, well, I'm going to give you hope today. But also, so what is it?

It's Why Won't You Date Me? Yes. Right? Is that what it's called? Well, you get a lot of dates. We need to change the name, don't we? I guess the, like, subtext is why won't you date me long term

and be my boyfriend and get married to me and move into my house? All of a sudden she turned into Urkel, but I liked it. Well, we're going to get to the bottom of all of that today. I'm a good shrink for you. I know you watch that show, You. I do. I love you.

Did you enjoy your time on You? I did. It was a little strange. I was having a meeting with Greg Berlanti, who runs the show. And he said, would you do me a favor? I'm like, yeah, sure. Will you do this little part on this show I'm doing? Originally, it was for Lifetime, you know.

And it came out and it didn't do very well. But, you know, I love Greg Berlanti. I said, sure, I'd love to. And they had to shoot me out pretty fast. And they were already up and going when I got there. And I remember going, what is this show, man? This is a trip. I'd love to. And then they had to shoot me out pretty fast and they were already up and going when I got there. And I remember going, what is this show, man? This is a trip.

And they had to shoot like all my scenes in a couple of days for some reason. And then I got there and there was a teleprompter. I said, what am I, you know, old, that old? But it was, and, and, you know, Penn was, was, he was incredible in that show, but he was in, you know, they were kind of all into it. I think I liked to, you know, I certainly came into that focused. I didn't know the tone of the show, but I came in sort of trying to be focused. But normally I like to kind of goof around and have fun,

like we're doing right now, and it wasn't happening there. So I got it. But it was a very interesting show to do, and I'm glad I did. Then it came out on Lifetime, didn't do well. And then they throw it over to Netflix and it becomes a smash, you know? Isn't it interesting that sometimes it's just the network that it's on? Wait, you had a prompter? No one's ever given me a prompter.

No, there was dangerous, but I didn't. Sometimes you could see me going like, oh, like Dr. Nicky's thing. Let me think about that. So now why are we single? So you were, I can't even, I can't tell how old you are, but you're probably pretty young. Wait, yes. How old do I look? 22. 22, John Stamos. You're a liar.

Wait, I just turned either 37 or 38, I think. Good age. Good age. Good age. Thank you. I'm having a nice time. I can't complain. Well, you're pretty and you're funny and your glasses look like Swifty Lazar.

Nobody knows that preference. I don't know that at all. Remember? I'm young. Who's Swifty Lazar? He was some old age or something. But they're cool. They're very...

For you folks at home who can't see, they look like big window doors or something. They're cool. Thank you. You're very charming. I think that you, what I'm going to say here, and my wife came up with this last night. She said, why don't you guys talk about, why don't you talk about you finding love, me, at an older, I was 50, I was in my 50s when I met Caitlin. I was older than that. Well, like 54, 55.

We met, this is a good story. Do you ever watch that show, Law and Order, SVU, SUV? Yes. Yes. Did you see that episode that I was on where I played a serial abuser where I had, he was so egotistical. You kept trying to like impregnate people? Is that it? Yeah. That's right. I had 47 children or something like that. And that was so egotistical. You kept trying to like impregnate people? Is that it? Yeah.

That's right. I had 47 children or something like that and that was just in the States. She was, she was the girl in there who I was, I was,

the guy was a creep, right? And he was, he just, he wanted to spread his progeny so he, because he was, he thought he was so,

you know, good looking and such a good guy and he was poking holes in condoms and the scene that Caitlyn was in, they, you know, Ice and such a good guy and he was poking holes in condoms and the scene that caitlin was in they uh you know ice tea and the other guys were they knock on the door said where is it she's like she's in her thing you know like bra and panties i think and she was like

he's in the bathroom and then they kicked down the door and i'm caught with it you know and i had glasses on like yours and i was like trying to bug a hole in the condom. Get out of here. But she was in another relationship, and then I was in another relationship. But in the show, I was trying to get her pregnant. It took me about seven years, but I eventually had a baby with Caitlin, with little Billy. But I met her there, and then we stayed in touch. And then when we both became single, but I was in love. It hit her.

When I saw her, like, that's it. She's it. She's the one. She's the one. But I think for us, I was trying to think at that point, and maybe this is where you are already, is that we can't make it happen. We have to, the only thing we control is ourselves.

Like, work on ourselves, be the best presentation of who we can be. And then the universe will go, okay. In my case, anyway, I wasn't living my best life. And seven years ago, I said, I got to stop this. And I think that's when the universe said, okay, you deserve love now and family. So I try to stay straight on that.

I like that story. Because it's like you were playing a creep, terrorizing her. And then you're like, hey, let's just stay in touch. And she's like, you know what? I like that, man. Yeah. I'm going to go on. What was your first date?

Do you remember? Of course. But we talked about she's a Disney nut like I am, and she loves theater. And so we talked about it. She tells everybody she thought I was gay. That's why it was safe to, you know, exchange numbers and stuff like gay. I mean, you know, I don't think so. Well, you know, um, our first day, well, she tells it to, I, I, she says that I invited her over the house for a party, like a big pizza party. But then when she

got there, it was just me and her. Um, John but i think i don't remember uh but that was it yeah and it was very um um you know it was a nice date i made pizza and do you have a pizza oven i do well yeah that was an old house but i just got a new house and i just got a new pizza oven oh what brand i don't know but so what's jimmy kim will turned me on to the... He knows everything about pizza. Now, where are you from? Me, originally, I am from New Jersey. Lincroft, New Jersey, which is a middle town. It's a small little town.

Freehold? Is it near Freehold? Oh, my God. It's right near Freehold. Are you from Jersey? No, but I did a movie there 20 years ago, and I remember it just being a charming little place. People get the bad,

Jersey gets a bad rap, right? It's really beautiful there. I love it. It's very, very pretty. North Jersey is kind of like industrial and gross. South Jersey is like the weird like,

I don't know, forest. It's like the Pine Barrens or whatever but Central Jersey right in the middle stunning, beautiful, gorgeous. I think you have lawns

and do you have, is your family still there? No. My sister lives in Chicago. And then my whole rest of my family lives in Chicago. In Chicago. And did you spend time in Chicago growing up? I did.

I love Chicago. Me too. It's a perfectly fun city. I always have so much fun there. I played with the Beach Boys. We played at Pine Knob every couple of years. Beach Boys were always my, I just love, you know, I idolize the Beach Boys. They were my favorite band when I was a little kid.

It was the first concert I went to was the Beach Boys. And then I just became famous and then I just started hanging out with them. And I played drums and I played like an encore on Bob Rand one time in 84. And I never stopped. I've been with them for many years now. You also played the drums in high school

at John F. Kennedy High School. That's right. Where's that? Near Knott's Berry Farm in Disneyland. I grew up near the amusement park stuff. In Anaheim?

Yeah, that's right. Hey, I also played at Six Flags there. What's it called? At that amusement park there we played in Jersey? Yeah, Six Flags. Six Fl I also played at Six Flags there. What's it called? At that amusement park there we played in Jersey? Yeah, Six Flags. Six Flags. I love Six Flags.

What's it? Is there more to the name? Six Flags? Six Flags. Great Adventure? Yeah, great. That's it. That's it, yeah.

So we got that out of the way. Let's go back to the dating. What was your last date? I mean, you don't have any problem getting dates. I can't believe that. I mean, it's a nice title. What was your last date? I mean, you don't have any problem getting dates. I can't, I don't believe, I can't believe that. I mean, it's a nice title, but. I don't, I don't go on a lot of dates. It's, it's LA.

LA is hard, I think, for anyone other than traditionally stunning people. You are. I think I'm very pretty, but I think when you are fatter, I think you have a harder time. So, yeah. I mean, my last date was... I don't know. Is it? Let's talk about it.

Let's talk about sex. No, let's not talk about sex. Let's talk about sex, baby. Let's talk about you and me. Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that can be. You don't sing on these dates, right? I mean, okay. Look, I'm not a good singer. I don't.

I'm a terrible singer. I'm very tone-deaf. I would say probably like months and months and months ago, because I've just been working a lot, so I haven't really had the time. And how do you meet? Is it like people fixing you up and stuff? Are you on any dating apps or anything? No, I am on all the dating apps. I'm on Tinder, Raya, OkCupid, Hinge, Bumble. I think that's

it. I was on one called Coffee Meets Bagel, but I didn't like that one because you had to do things to earn beans to then spend them on people. And I was like, is this a game? What is this? I don't want it. spend them on people. And I was like, is this a game? What is this? I don't want it. Dating is not a game. It's an adventure.

But I bet you, and then so what's your ideal date? My ideal date? Well, the best date I ever went on was to the Burbank airport to eat at Guy Fieri's Burger Bar. At the airport? Now did this,

so did the guy know that you were, that you love that place? Well, I had never been. I love Guy Fieri. So I bought two refundable plane tickets. We went through TSA and then we ate at the restaurant and then we just left the airport and went to a tiki bar after. That's great.

So that was a very fun date. I think those kind of dates are really special, right? If I was to go on a date with you, I would do research, because now you can, which is weird, but you know. And then you find out, oh, she likes Guy Fieri. Is that a cook or something? Oh, he has a triple D, diners, dives, and drive-ins on the Food Network, where he drives around in a car and screams and eats. Does he have red hair? John Stamos.

He's a blonde. He has bleach blonde hair that's very spiky. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, I know. I don't mean to be disrespectful. Yes, he's great. I mean it. I just don't cook.

I mean, I do cook, but I don't watch. So, yeah, what's another great date? My wife loved Disney, so we actually went to Disney World for the first time. And I remember I was trying to impress her, which I later learned that doesn't work with her being recognized, being famous. And so we're walking through Epcot. Have you been to Disney World? I've been to Disney World as a child, and I don't remember too, too much of it. I've been to Disneyland twice now.

There's a bunch of different parks there. One of them is called Epcot. So I'm walking around. We're talking, and I have a hat and glasses on. I'm saying this in my mind. People aren't recognizing me. So I take my glasses off. I'm just talking to her, but people aren't recognizing me. So I take my glasses off. I'm just talking to her, but I'm still looking around.

I gotta take my hat off. My hair's famous. Take my hat off. And still, and you know, people are not really, but she's catching it. And I'm like, hey, can I have some mercy? And so she famously coined that term. It's called Epcotting, but that was one of our first big dates. That's very funny.

Stop Epcotting. Yeah, she's very funny. I like that, because it's like, I want to impress her by getting recognized, and she was like, I'm not with you for that reason. I'm with you because I genuinely like you

and want to be with you, and you were like, what can I do? I feel like I do that a lot. I'm like, what can I do to make you impressed by me and hope that you stick around longer? But I guess you don't have to do that.

You just have to be yourself. That's the lesson today. One of the many lessons that we're going to do today. So you go on a couple dates, and then have you ever gone on a few dates and was like, I really like, you're straight, right? I'll date whoever. Okay, but you want to be in a relationship well anyway you ever on a date and you go i really like this person i want to we've went out twice i want to see them more and then they don't come around yes okay that happens a lot right before the pandemic uh got into full

swing and everyone was, you know, inside or whatever, I was dating this guy and I thought things were going well. And he, I guess, I don't know. He just like started being weird. And then he was like, the pandemic is coming.

And I was like, yeah, but we can like still hang out. And he was like, I don't know. I'm pretty scared. And I was like, um, well, I guess call me when the pandemic is done.

And then he got engaged. And I believe he's getting married. Well, fuck him. Fuck him. What's his name? What's his name? Well, first of all, anybody that calls the pandemic pandemic, you don't want to be around. I don't know.

That's like that would be a big red flag for me. Well, the pandemic was a whole thing but you know what you um you've come out stronger i think and you write you i think it's just being i don't know being i don't what do i know about dating being confident and being like you can't you can't you got to be yourself right because when you try to put on all that stuff they you know like my wife well it's hard for me not to be myself. I'm a very loud person. I love to giggle. So that's what I do.

What's your ideal mate? Tell me what he or she is. Okay. My ideal mate would be a person who is very confident in who they are, funny, who doesn't mind that I'm funny, because some people kind of buck up against that and get mad that I'm funny sometimes. Good-looking to me, which doesn't mean universally good-looking. Sort of like me?

Well, you are universally good-looking. You have to know that. Go ahead. I'm sorry. Wait, you know that, right? We need to get to the bottom of this. No, we don't. Keep going. You're funny. When you you know that, right? We need to get to the bottom of this. No, we don't. Keep going. You're funny.

When you look in the mirror, don't you go, yum, yum, yum, look at me, I'm John. I do yum, yum, but not three. I do one, two yum, yums. John Stamos, hold on.

We have to take a quick little break. Continue. I'm sorry sorry I interrupted you So not traditionally good looking So like who Give me a look Somebody that you know Okay There's this actor named

Dummall Or Dummall Or Dumhall Gleeson Okay What is it Maybe he is traditionally attractive I don't know But he like really does it for me

Okay And other people have been like I don't know about that So he's on this show called The Patient with Steve Carell. He was also in Star Wars. Wow.

And then he was in this movie called About Time, which is one of my favorite movies. I'll watch it on a plane every single day. And so, does he know this? Is he listening right now

do you think? I think he's married. Oh, yeah. That's the hard thing too. Well, I guess before dating apps, which was my time before, I was always very trepidatious about approaching someone or asking them out because, A, you didn't know if they're in a relationship, right? presumptuous that just because I, whatever,

that someone's going to say, okay, we'll go out with you. I was, I was, people, I think people, the perception of me was that,

you know, that I was dating a lot of girls. And I really wasn't. I always wanted to be in a relationship. I always wanted to be married. I always wanted to have kids. Um, and,

but in between I dated, you know. How many kids do you have? I have just one, one little boy named Billy. Here's the thing though. I was, so I was in my mid, I know it's different for men because of, you know, the biological clock.

Do you want kids, by the way? As of now, no. Okay. But I don't know. That might change. It's tough. The thought of, like, waking up and having to, like, feed somebody before I feed myself. Right, right, right.

I don't like that. And I was a nanny for a very long time. Oh, wow. What was that? In Jersey? In New York. Were you Bruce springsteen's nanny for his kids no i wish i probably would have gotten paid a lot of money were you nice to these kids oh i was so nice to these kids yeah yeah so this one kid that i had i had him from like two weeks to about two and a half um he had a really big head, so he couldn't crawl fast.

So I would just sit him in this like donut pillow and tell him things. Like, listen, I think this boy likes me, but like, I don't know. And then he started talking very, very quickly. But was he talking like you? And that was my buddy. Was he talking like you? Hi. Wait a minute.

I wish. We probably, oh, when were you funny? When did you know you were funny? When you were a kid? When I was a kid, my grandmother used to say things like, you tickle me. She was from Barbados, so she had a lot of isms that, like, weren't American.

Okay. But yeah, she would be like, you tickle me. And I'd be like, ooh, I want her to say that again. That was fun. And then my aunts and uncles would, like, laugh at stuff I would say. And I was her to say that again. That was fun. Then my aunts and uncles would laugh at stuff I would say, and I was like, that feels good. I like that. So what kind of, were you in Barbados?

Did they live in Jersey? Chicago. Okay, and what kind of jokes were you saying that would make them laugh? Oh, I don't even know. Just like adults would be talking, and then I would interject with my thoughts. I was very, I liked adults a lot more than children growing up because children do kid-like things, but I was like, but we

need to talk. I have ADHD. So like, I'd be like, I need to talk and adults will listen and the children have nothing of value to say to me. That's very true. So how old were you during that like 5, 6 years old kind of thing probably like 7, 8-ish and then when did you start did you go into the city and do open mics and stuff

how what's your thing so right after high school I went to an acting school it was a conservatory it was not a great school it was pretty bad

what was it called it was called AMDA and then I fucked around for a little bit and then I found the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater It was not a great school. It was pretty bad. What was it called? It was called AMDA. And then I fucked around for a little bit. And then I found the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater. And that's when I was like, oh, comedy is like a, like I don't have to do plays and stuff. I could be funny on stage doing improv. Oh, right. That's right.

But one day I would love to do a play. And you've done lots of plays. Yeah. Did you, what was, what played? So wait, so I did a lot of musicals. And I'm not very. Yeah, you were in Cabaret and I fucking love Cabaret. Yeah, it's a beautiful show, huh?

If I, oh, Sally Bowles, if I could. What song? If I could, Cabaret is a beautiful song. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, of Cabaret is a beautiful song yeah yeah yeah of course what a tragic song that is and what

god it was such did you see it in New York the Alan Cummings I did I've seen it like I saw it with you you did

I saw it with Alan wait a minute why didn't we open with that hi John I saw you with Cabaret I guess I could have it's alright I saw it with Alan Cummings

I've seen Cabaret I think two or three times. Right. And I, yeah, I just love it. You know, it was for you folks out there that don't know about it. It was in Studio 54 there in New York. This was an old club in the 80s.

And, yeah, it was, wasn't it, I'm telling you, I remember, it was my second show. I came, when I finished Full House, I was like, oh God, what do I do? How do I get, you know, I mean, In retrospect, and we can talk about it or not, but I've learned to really appreciate the fact that I was on that show, and I love how it's become so important to people. But I was ready to leave when it was over, and I had some great mentors over the years, and one of them was this guy, Jack Klugman,

who was a great actor, a theater actor. He played my dad in a series before and i said jack what do i do this fucking show man don't go jesse so you get get to the do theater you gotta go to the theater right he was on the odd couple and uh i said all right but i don't and i didn't really sing i didn't dance but i've always had this thing like i can do anything if i work really hard at it if i take lessons 10 hours a day, I'll learn to sing. I'll learn to dance. I'll do. And I don't know where these testicles came from.

So there was an opening to replace Matthew Broderick in How to Succeed in Business on Broadway. I'd never been on Broadway. I auditioned for, when I was in high school, junior high, I auditioned to play the Scarecrow in Wizard of Oz. And I would like the way the hours, stuff, stuff, stuff. Do you know how to do makeup? I said, yeah, okay, we'll put you in the makeup department. Don't sing. So I was like, oh, no.

But then I went there, and I just worked really hard at the audition, and I got it, and then Matthew Broderick had just won the Tony Award. And I was like, what am I? But I never thought, what am I thinking? Now I look back. But that kind of fearlessness, I think my parents instilled in me. I didn't put any obstacles up. I'm still trying to get back to that.

But anyway, that was first. And then there was Cabaret. And I remember sitting in the theater watching. And I was like, A, why do they want me to audition for this? Two, I mean, if I got it, how would I play that character? And I tell you, after a few months, Nicole, it was, and I still think of it as maybe my favorite time of my life. One of my, I mean, now I'm very happily married

and have a great little four-year-old. But before that, just, it was, I was in my 30s, and that show was so popular. I mean, people couldn't stand up quick enough at the end. It was such a beautiful, deep, important piece of theater. And Sam Mendes and Rob Marshall came back and put me in the show, and it was something else. You saw a lot of Sally's then, I would think.

Yeah, I can't remember. Right. Natasha Richards? Yeah, yeah,'t remember Natasha Richards? Yeah, yeah, she did it It was with Alan And I don't know who was with you I did it with a few Molly Ringwald was in it for a bit She was very good too

It changed my life, that show Because it was just so Every night you take that journey He starts off as an MC And he ends up in a gas chamber. It was interesting. That's the beauty of theater, too. You haven't done a play yet, you're saying?

No, I haven't done, not professionally. I did them in high school, but I haven't done one professionally yet. I love theater. Theater is such like a... I just saw Take Me Out last time I was in New York. I was like, go for the big dicks, stay for the heart and the message. It's so, it was

so like beautiful and it, like good theater takes you just on this like magical journey where you're all together in this and I just, I love it. Yeah, there's nothing like it because it also, it's also like in that eight block, whatever it is, radius, everything is happening at the same time.

The same moment almost. Same moment, yeah. Hundreds of thousands of people are getting ready to be entertained and all the entertainers are getting ready to entertain. And then right at eight o'clock, right in that whole area, bam. And it's a spark that you can't, you know, you're here in Los Angeles. You're in LA, right? Yeah. Why didn't you come over?

What are we doing on Zoom here? I have two microphones. Here, like, we're shooting, everybody's shooting stuff at different times, and, you know, there's no,

but that spark and that thrill in New York, it is something that you can't get anywhere else. The closest I ever get to it is at 5.30 when I'm on my way

to a 6 a.m. call, and I'm like, look at all this traffic. Everyone's going to Hollywood. Yeah. So have you done a lot of acting on TV stuff? Just a little dip. Yeah.

I'll bet you're really funny. Thank you. Can I ask you a question? So after Full House, were you done with the show because it was so squeaky clean and people had this perception of you and that you were like i can do more than that like what was the what was the the like uh the feeling that you had to get out of it well it was it was that you know it was um i i really felt it was during a time too when these very sophisticated smart shows were like seinfeld and what's going on

and i never you know when they came to me about that show, it was not, they said, we're doing a show. It was the same guys who did Bosom Buddies. And we're doing a show, it's like Bosom Buddies, but there's three of you and there's some kids. It wasn't like, oh, it's going to be. And I remember doing the first table read. We were in some hotel or something,

and we were reading through the script, and Jodie Sweet and the girl who plays Stephanie was getting huge laughs. I'm the supposed star coming in. And, you know, funny hair, huh, Uncle Jesse? And I remember running to the lobby, calling my agent, because there was no cell phone, so I said, get me off this show, this kid's a kid show. And then as it progressed, it was, you know,

yeah, I wanted to be doing, you know, different stuff. And I was starting to get, you know, Uncle Chet thing. But, you know, without that show, I wouldn't be talking to you. I wouldn't have had all the love and all the things that I've gotten to do in my life. I'm writing a book, which I said I'd never do, but it's called If You Would Have Told Me. If you would have told me when I was a kid that I'd be talking to you today, or I'd be doing all the things I do. So for that, and then also I met, you know, one of my best friends ever of life, Bob Saget.

And, you know, we just lost him recently. Did you ever meet Bob? No, I was, he asked me to do his podcast, like right before he passed. And so it's your fault he died. Very, very bummed. Very bummed that I didn't get a chance to do it because i was telling a joke uh before he passed away that uh i was like the bob saget of

this generation because i host uh uh nailed it which has become like huge with kids so when i tour and go to clubs or whatever parents call the club club and go, can I bring my kid? And they're like, absolutely not. Yeah, right. That's the same with Bob. I think in the beginning when he started to, this was, you know, the persona that you're talking about, that you have and that Bob had,

the dirty side of dirty daddy, he was always like that. It wasn't like, for us, it wasn't a surprise because that's, you know, as soon as the kids, hopefully the kids were off the set. Sometimes they weren't. Bob would always get in trouble. He's like, okay, we're done.

Bob, can we see you up in the parents? Wanted to have a quick chat with you. But, you know, the kids on that show all grew up great and they loved Bob. But when he first started going out, you know, and doing his act, people were like, I don't know, kids. Everyone was freaking out. and doing his act, people were like, I don't know, kids. Everyone was freaking out.

It was, you know, the saddest part for me, one of the sad parts about losing Bob is that he didn't know how loved he was. And the outpouring of love that he got when he passed with the tsunami of love, I call it, was unbelievable. I mean, didn't you think so? It was, I didn't know he meant, I mean, I did.

I knew how much he meant to me, obviously, and all of us, but the whole world, you know, it was the first time I was ever jealous of Bob. I'm kidding. I did this second season of Big Shots coming out. I don't know. Watch this segment. This is a good one. And we started shooting it about four months, four or five months after Bob passed away.

And I pitched this story where my character's named Marvin. And I said, what about a friend of Marvin's dying, like Bob, a coach, and he gets this outpouring of love

and I start to think, wait a minute, what's my legacy? What am I leaving behind in this world? Have I done it? And then the girls on the show,

at graduation, they come up and they say what I meant to them, they bring some people around that I changed their lives so it's a beautiful episode, it's the last episode but the idea

that you know, tell people that you love them, tell people what they mean to you when they're alive because tomorrow's never promised, it's just not and Bob did that he left nothing on the table go ahead Nicole, I'm sorry no no, don't be sorry, I love that notion that it's like, just tell people Bob did that. He left nothing on the table. Go ahead, Nicole. I'm sorry. No, no.

Don't be sorry. I love that notion that it's like, just tell people exactly how you feel. Like, if you love someone, say it. If you're proud of them, say it. Yes. And I've started to do that a lot more. Good. Just because it's like, I don't know. It doesn't hurt me to tell someone that they're killing it.

Yeah, no, it doesn't. You know, it's nice to give someone a compliment and then i do think about i'm like legacy it's like when you go when i die i hope people say really nice things about me and on top of nice things like the the good things that i left in the world yes like boy oh boy when i was sick sick, Nicole came over and brought me potatoes. I don't know. You know? I'm feeling I have a little bit of cold today. Can you bring me some potatoes? Why potatoes?

Why did you pick potatoes? Because it's funny, right? Because it sounds funny. You've always been funny. Well, mashed potatoes... Okay, so if you have a toothache, mashed potatoes are great. If you have a chest cold and it's hard to swallow, mashed potatoes are great. Honestly, in any situation, mashed potatoes are great. If you have a chest cold and it's hard to swallow, mashed potatoes are great. Honestly, in any situation, mashed potatoes

are great. You're right. I love mashed potatoes. I do too. See, now if I was, here's the deal. So if I was going to ask you out on a date, I would say, oh, she likes mashed potatoes. I'm going to take her to the mashed potato capital of the world.

I don't know where that is, but I'll find it and we'll fly there. Maybe it's at the Burbank airport, but I'm going to give her some mashed potatoes. I'm going to take her to the mashed potato capital of the world. I don't know where that is, but I'll find it and we'll fly there. Maybe it's at the Burbank airport, but I'm going to give her some mashed potatoes. See, you don't even have to try that hard. You could take me on a great potato dinner,

which is where you go to dinner and only order potato dishes. What do you like? Do you like a nice baked potato with all the stuff on it? I love a baked potato. Good baker. And I just discovered sour cream.

It's so good. Wait a minute. How do you just discover sour cream? So listen, every couple years I discover things that everybody knows about. So I just discovered sour cream like maybe two years ago. This year I discovered smoothies. They're very good. Did you know?

Smoothies are good. My son calls them smoochies, I think. That's adorable. So you just discover things late, huh? Yeah. Granola, I discovered that about three years ago.

Really? Last year, I discovered The Office. Very funny. The TV show, yeah. Yeah, the American TV show, The Office. I like when you go

into your voice like that. It's very, it's part of your act. We were watching a little bit of your special last night, too, on the Netflix. Yeah, you know, I gotta do- Thank you so much. Every stream counts. It was very funny. It was very cute. part of your act. We were watching a little bit of your special last night too, on the Netflix. Yeah.

You know, I got to do. Thank you so much. Every stream counts. It was very funny. It was very cute. You, uh, what were you talking about?

Ugly people. They're the ones that don't wear masks during the pandemic. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I feel like everybody who had a real issue with masks were some of the ugliest people I've ever seen in my whole life.

Yeah. Put a mask on it now, please. Just, yeah, cover it up. Is it hard coming up with new jokes? Do you write on the road?

Do you write as you're doing? I do. I write on the road when I, because I toured pretty uninterrupted for most of 2019. Okay. So I'd be on like, I don't know, five planes a week,

so I'd write a lot on planes. Oh, yeah. Are there plane jokes? Do you ever get on a plane and they give you the penis? No, not plane jokes. I can't make plane jokes work. Yeah, well you shouldn't.

You're too cool for that. Nobody flies as much as comics so it's like that's why they're so hack. It's like don't make jokes about it. These people aren't going anywhere. They're going from their house

to the show back to their house. What do they know? Who's your what comics do you like? No. I love old Steve Harvey stuff. Oh yeah?

Steve Harvey is so fucking funny. He's funny. Um, Adele Givens is very funny. I don't know. Monique, she's very funny. Funny.

Um, Nick Kroll's new special is very funny. I saw it. Alec Wong is funny. I just love, I love people. I love, I like their point of view.

Yeah. I love standup comedy. I could never do it, but I'm fascinated by it. And that's why, you know, being so close to Bob all those years, I really studied him because he was one of the best. The people that came out for him, like Chappelle, you know, and I said to him at the memorial, I said, man, Dave, you're the goat, whatever you're called. I said, and you made Bob feel so special those last few years. He said, are you're going to say. I said, and you made Bob feel so special those last few years. He said, are you kidding me? I used to, he said, I used to VCR, you know, full house. And, uh, Bob was so kind to me when I was up starting and I'll never forget that. And, you know,

that kind of stuff, but Bob touched, not, you know, not literally touched, but he touched so many people that that would be a joke that he would do is, uh, I asked him to host my father's funeral and he started off with a tonight's specials are cake and cock, and we're out of cake. Hello, everybody. I mean, it started like that. And he started doing jokes about being circumcised and calamari. So you like those people. Yeah, I'm fascinated by it.

And through Bob, I think I met, you know, I was hanging out with Gary Shanling, and I met a lot of great, you great, a lot of those great guys. Kinson, we hung out with a little bit. But I just, it's so, there's such a science to it. I'm so impressed with stand-up comics. And you have it. It's like, it's almost mathematical, right? You know, where you put the...

Yeah. It's, I mean, some people are just storytellers and they can like pepper jokes in there but um which is like what i do sometimes but if i say something enough and then the laughs start getting less and less i then have to write out the joke and structure it and make sure that i like put a joke every couple of lines so like the laughs keep going it's yeah it's um science huh it i do feel like i'm doing experiments huh you should do it's like yeah because you say something and then you go all right that doesn't fucking work so like my closer joke for like when i'm doing sets around town where they're only like 15 minutes or whatever killed killed for the first

like two months i was doing it yeah and then it stopped killing and i was like huh i gotta figure out why this isn't killing anymore so the next show i do i have like a new tag for it and it works so yeah why wasn't it killing what is the joke to give us a little well i mean the premise is just uh it's about white people touching my hair okay uh because white people like to touch black people's hair but a lot of white people don't know that that's wrong right so i have to somehow explain to them that it's wrong so then i can do the joke right um and then i was like if i put it in the joke it's too explainy so i have to put it in a joke a little earlier so then it's a callback so then they get it so where do you go up in new york at the catch is that catch is that still there um caroline remember bob

when i used to go to caroline's yes i've done caroline's a lot of places that i used to go up in new york aren't there anymore um i think new york comedy club is still there do you know yannis papas do you know yannis papas do youas? I don't know him well, but I do know him. He's wonderful. He's so funny. He's so funny. Comedy is such a fun thing that brings people together. Wait, John Stamos, I have a question.

Do you have any single friends? For you, I'm thinking about that. I was thinking about that. I have to be in New York, huh? No, I'm in L.A., John Stamos. Oh, that's better. Okay, let me think. What's this guy look like on the TV show that you said you liked?

I can't remember his name, and I don't remember. Domaw Gleeson. So he's like a redhead. He's Irish. He's tall. I think he's so hot. Hold on. I'll find him for you.

I'll find him for you on the internet Do you have any Hot single friends Redheaded They don't have to be redhead But they do have to have Just a little bit of money so they can travel with me And do nice things

Okay, so that's Damal Gleason Oh, I see that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know who he is, but I don't know him. Yeah, a real hottie. You can Google, is he married? Is he single?

I believe he's married. Okay, what kind of guys, like who likes you on those apps? I don't know how to swipe left or right. Who likes me on the apps? Yeah. Interesting, interesting people. Let's see if I can find.

And what's that like? So somebody says, I like you, you like me. And then you go, hey, let's go on a date. Right? More or less, yes. And you text. And a lot of it is just sex things on there? No, not all of it, except this one person let's see i won't say

their name but about me says sensual dominant orgasm vampire sapiosexual poly with an attachment need for profound intimate connection best kept secrets have nothing to hide if i can grow to trust you you can get it all uh entrepreneurur, crypto native, born in 68, forever 44. So, you know, there's a lot of interesting people there. That's interesting? I would kill myself if that's the person. Like, what does that say about you? What's your profile?

I'm kidding. What's your profile? Mine is some pictures, and then it says that I'm a thought, the happiest out there, and it says I love to teeheehee. Let's change that. Let's work on that. Let's work. Okay.

Let's see. This is good. Let's see. I am beautifully sexy inside and out. You can't just tell people that. Well, you just said other weird things. Teeheehee. But that says a lot about you. That teeheehee, you just said other weird things. Tee hee hee.

But that says a lot about you. That tee hee hee, you're way more sophisticated than tee hee hee. I love a good tee hee hee. You do? Okay. But look who it's attracting, weirdos. I know. Can I read you another profile?

Yeah. Oh, this is someone else. Okay, go ahead. This is another person who matched with me. I matched with him because he seemed like a weirdo and i was like i wonder what his opening message would be he hasn't messaged me yet but his profile says plant dad all things beer i cook not into trump jesus or chihuahuas non-vaxxed been to 15 countries and eight islands so far i'm adventurous and spontaneous looking for a girlfriend with a yard. A backyard?

I guess so, which I think is really funny. What's this guy look like? I mean, I only screenshot the profile. I didn't screenshot his. Yeah, that's funny. I think we got to work on your thing because if that's who you're attracting, we're in trouble. Okay, things shifted, John Stamos. So like right after the second shot of the vaccine, we gotta work on your thing because if that's who you're attracting we're in trouble well okay

things shifted John Stamos so like right after the second shot of the vaccine people were like I want a date I'm taking things seriously I love this and then the further we've strayed

from the pandemic the more people are like no I'm back into just fucking and I don't care about being in a relationship have you gone on those dates? I mean, are there certain apps that are just for having sex? Yeah, but I'm not on any of those.

There's like Kinkster and something else. What about your mom? Does she follow you on these things? Is she like, honey, please, let's stay on? She sure doesn't. You can't follow someone on a dating app. Does she listen to this show? She can't. Can't hear her?

Passed away? No. Why? She's dead. Oh, jeez. I'm sorry. It's okay. You bring this to us. It talks about sagging things. When did she pass away? When I was 16. And your dad? He died when I was 21.

Well, we've just ruined this whole... It's not ruined, John. You didn't know. Listen, here's the deal. That's very interesting. That says a lot about... Were you close with them? Obviously, you were. Yeah.

I was pretty close. I had a nice childhood and I liked them. Oh, good. How have you dealt with... How have you dealt? How did you deal with it? Therapy? Oh, just a lot of therapy. Oh, good. How have you dealt with, how have you dealt, how did you deal with it? Therapy? Oh, just a lot of therapy.

Right, right. A lot of good friends. But yeah, mostly therapy. Do you go like, why? Why? Why me? Why did that happen? Come on, God.

Of course. And what was the answer? Because I have friends who don't like their parents. And then you're like, well, I liked mine. Yeah. But you know, I don't know. Everything happens for a reason. I don't know. Everything happens for a reason. I don't know what reason, but, you know.

Are you a spiritual woman? Not super spiritual, but, like, I believe that things happen for a reason. I don't know if there's a God or anything, but I'm not going to say there isn't because if there is, I'm not getting smited, okay? I don't want, you know, God coming for me being like, I am real, bitch, and I'm not going to say there isn't because if there is, I'm not getting smited. Okay. You got to cover it all. I don't want, you know, God coming for me being like, I am real bitch and I'll show you how. I don't want that. Right.

No, God, Buddha, whatever, but all of it. Real quick, we have to take another break. John Stamos, we're back. So how old were you when your mom died then? 16. And your dad? 21. Oh, got it, got it, got it.

Oh, man. So did you help him get over the loss of his... Well, I was 16, and it was such a hard thing because he was an adult man, and I feel like a lot of adult men don't really emote. Right, I do 16, and it was such a hard thing because he was an adult man, and I feel like a lot of adult men don't really emote or talk about feelings. Well, you're a different one. So it was hard to understand if he was sad or anything. You know what I mean?

And how did he pass away? He had a heart attack. Right. Well, he was keeping it on side, right? I mean, probably. But you're good at letting it all out. Oh, I tell all my business to everybody. I know.

I heard last night on the podcast. The first one we turned on was like the latest one or whatever. It was the guy from Billy on the Street. Oh, yeah. Guy Branum. Yeah. He was very funny. You guys got dirty and spass.

I love Guy. He's so funny. He's very funny. How long have you done this podcast? a long time, maybe 5 years no kidding, so you were in on this early I guess, yeah, my friend Gabers was like, you should do a podcast

and I was like, okay and then I've been doing it and I love it it was fun I throw a stick out my front door and I'll hit 6 people with a podcast everybody's got one I had one briefly last year, a couple years ago. Oh, you did?

Yeah, I had the, it wasn't really like this. It was, and these are beautiful. I love the idea of coming on and talking for, you know,

a little while and really getting to know somebody. It was about, I have the, there was a nutty guy named Barry Keenan who kidnapped Frank Sinatra Jr.

in the 60s and it's like this wild, crazy story that involves the mafia and Kennedy's. Nobody was really doing anything. So I did a sort of podcast. He's still alive. I did a thing about him.

And I won an award. I won a Webby Award. Do you know what that is? Ooh, congratulations. I also have a Webby. Look at us. Two Webby recipients on a Zoom. Let's rub our Webbbies together tonight at nine.

When I was a little kid, I used, my middle name is Michelle. I used to tell people that I was Michelle Tanner from Full House, which in hindsight was very silly

because they were a fully different color than me. Yeah, but you know, who knows? We didn't see them, both of them, you know, I have no joke.

So did you think people were going to believe that? I don't know. I loved Full House, and I loved the Olsen twins, and I would just say it, and then a lot of adults would just be like, oh, well, okay, good for you. They own a building, and you don't have a... Yeah, they have a whole company.

They have a whole company. I can't, I'm so proud of them, obviously. You know, we sort of stayed in touch over the years, but when Bob passed away, they came out and they stayed for a week and they were just beautiful. I mean, it was really, it was nice because the rest of us, you know, stuck together a lot and they were in New York and, you know, we talked to them once in a while, but we weren't as close with them. New York and you know we talked to them once in a while but we weren't as close with them and they came back and just they they just wanted to they just were so full of love and they just told us all how much they loved us and missed us and how they loved you know being with us for their childhood and they wanted to hear stories and I have old video and I pulled out video of you know of behind the scenes stuff and it was really you know Bob was was Bob was the keeper of of this

group he was the one who made sure we all hung out together all the time and um uh you know bob was was bob was the keeper of of this group he was the one who made sure we all hung out together all the time and um uh you know now that he's gone we have to make an effort but he would have been very happy to know that we were all sitting around talking about him because if we're real quiet right now we can he'll be like you know he'll be complaining that we're not talking about him enough on this podcast i love that guy guy, man. I love them so much. I feel like I'm talking about him a lot these days, but we did a, last week was a, he raised all this money for a horrific disease called scleroderma. And if you don't know what it is, Google it and donate some money because it's awful. And it mainly hits women around your age, I think. And it's the heart,

do you know what about, have you ever heard of it? It's awful. It's just, I think, and it's the heart. Do you know what about, have you ever heard of it? No. It's awful. It's just, I mean, and your skin starts to harden on the outside first thing. It's a horrific. And what's interesting, he got involved because they do this, they did this thing called Cool Comedy Hot Cuisine. So it was stand up and then a great meal. This woman, Susan, I can't remember her last name, but vinegar or something like vinegar. She's great.

She has these restaurants around town. And so they did this thing. So they asked him to do it one year and he did it. And this was before. And then his sister got scleroderma a couple of years later. And then he became the biggest advocate for it. And anyway, we had a, you know, they had this big charity event every year. It would be in New York one year and then here.

Caroline's, they had a lot. And we had it last week. And it was very bitter, mostly bitter. It would be in New York one year, and then here at Caroline's, they had it a lot. And we had it last week, and it was very bitter, mostly bitter. It was just really hard to be there. But all his friends showed up, Chappelle and Bill Burr, and John Mayer was close to Bob over the last five or ten years,

and very jealous of me because we were always vying for, to be Bob's number one. I'm kidding. He's not jealous of me. Good guy, Mayor. And he, so everybody was there. And I'd just been crying about him so much every chance I get.

And I will always, you know, talk about him and keep him alive because, you know, he meant that much to me and everybody. But, you know, Mike Binder is a great comic. And he's my, I said, you know, Mike, come up there. I was going to introduce the video, and this is Bob, you know. I said, I can't cry anymore. I mean, I did, but I mean, I want to do something,

like, let's go up and talk about what a pain in the ass Bob was, and just go through that, you know, and it just started off very innocuous, like, you know, did Bob call you, insensibly text you, and, you know, so much that he off very innocuous. Like, you know, did Bob call you and sensibly text you and, you know, so much that he had to drive over his house and take his phone away? Yeah, but then I

did that, but I had to lay in bed with him and watch his student Oscar film. And then he talked to my mother about shoving it up my ass in front of my mother, and then he said, well, you know, he wanted to shove it up my, I mean, we just went on, you know, a Bob run. But it was pretty funny. I don't know what got me to that point, but, you know.

I don't know. I think that's a lovely story that we can end on. End. Well, thank you. John Stamos, thank you so much for being here. Wait, I ask all my guests this. I have to ask you this. John Stamos, would you?

I'm not. Oh, wow. Okay. Oh, go ahead. I'm kidding. The question was, would you date me? And you said no. No, no, no, no, no, no. Okay. Oh, go ahead. I'm kidding. The question was, would you date me? And you said no. No, no, no, no, no, no.

I said no. I said no to asking me questions. I can accept that. But now that I hear the question, if I was single, yes, I would. I'd take you to Polly's Potato Shack in Pennsylvania. A lot of peas. And I would just, I'd order mashed potatoes and stuffed potatoes. And I'd turn you on to sour cream

and then we'd blend it all up and then we'd slather it all over you know it would be great that would be the date and then

we would shower off and get back in the plane and come home what a dream John Stamos thank you so much for being here

thank you Nicole nice to meet you and thanks for having me and God bless you and I think that I have a you, Nicole. Nice to meet you, and thanks for having me, and God bless you. I think that I have a feeling, and I'm going to come back. Within the year, you're going to meet someone, and you're going to fall in love, and you're going to say, you know what? Stamos told me to work

on myself and be the best version of myself, and I did, and the universe paid off and sent me a lover that looked like Stamos. All right. I'll hold you to it. John Stamos is big shot on Disney Plus right now? It's October 12th in all 10 episodes.

You could have watched that episode last night, but you didn't need to. I watched your special, and it was very funny. You were doing a striptease act at the beginning. Wait, when is your memoir going to be released? Sometime in 2023? Yes.

You're funny. I thank you for having me and I hope to come back and see, and we're going to have to change the title of the podcast to, I got somebody and I'm in love. If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it, you can rate it, you can subscribe on Apple Podcasts. Also, if you send me a nasty message hitting on me at whywontyoudatemepodcasts at gmail.com, please don't send any pictures of genitalia because my producer Mars is the one who looks

at it. It doesn't make it to me. She doesn't want it. And I don't want her to want it or I don't want her to have it. Okay. So this nice person said schoolgirl style. I can wear you as a knee high sock, which is wild. Thank you, John. Bye bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me is produced and engineered by all the sweetest woman I know,

Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solo-Taroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream! What a dream! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! This has been a Team Cocoa production.