Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Rock Bottom (w/ Sydnee Washington)

Episode Date: October 9, 2020

Comedian and actress Sydnee Washington (Broad City, Gayme Show) joins Nicole to discuss feel-good foods to eat when you're sad, their lowest points in life, finding love on Instagram, and setting boundaries with toxic family members. Support Black Lives Matter. For a list of resources and ways to help, check out blacklivesmatters.carrd.co. Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Facebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy Buy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964 Order Nicole's book: www.indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby, welcome to another episode of Oh, Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me and Nicole Byer try to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could step in all my glasses, call me stupid, and I would say, yes, I'm a dummy, and I can't see now. Honestly, this podcast truly is not about relationships very much anymore because I'm not dating. But my guest today, what a dang treat.

I think she's very, very funny. You've seen her in Broad City. You've seen her on Chris Gethard Presents and Game Show, which is on Quibi. It's Sydney Washington. Hey. presents and game show which is on quibi it's sydney washington hi sydney how are you man this is this is how we're doing our sunday and i'm loving it yeah this is our sunday this is life now you just zoom i gotta say you look great you you look like you like go out and live your life like you're wearing eyeshadow. I haven't worn eyeshadow in God knows how long. Okay, Nicole, let me tell you. So I do my Instagram live show because that that is also my life. And I cook, which I'm really

bad at. And it's a mess. And I just dress up because I know that the food is going to look terrible. But let me at least give you a look, you know? Yes. That's how I feel about stand-up shows when we were doing them. I would never just wear jeans and a T-shirt. I would always have my hair like something fun, some butterfly clips, a lot of makeup. Because I was like, if I bomb, at least I bombed and i was pretty that's the way to be that's just kind of how i

live same with auditions i'm like if it's like she's frumpy i'm like mom sorry you'll have to imagine the frump i'm going to look stunning because i might be bad but also right if you if you at least have the look and the tape was kind of bad, they're still going to remember you. And they're like, I think I could find something for her, though. I could find something. That's truly always the hope. There was this one job where I read the description. I was like, there's no way they would hire me for this.

And my agent was like, just go in. So maybe they'll give you something else. I was like, okay. They didn't give me anything else. It was a Marvel movie. And they said, we can't have you in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Nicole, I really thought you were going to hit me with

a misdirect there, but you did not. Look at you. I will say it has happened a couple. There was, I guess, started on something last year where I went out for the lead. They were like, no, thank you. And then they let me come on the show and do like a smaller part. And I was like, you know, maybe it does work.

Yeah. But not for movies. Thank you for the demotion, I guess. Thank you. That feels good. Yeah. Thank you. for the demotion i guess thank i could thank you that feels good yeah thank you but right now nicole we i low-key will take anything i'll take it yeah it's gotten to the point where i'm like you know if i get covid working then it means i worked i left my house and I did something. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, okay, so you stay in the house, right? And you are protecting yourself and others, blah, blah, blah.

That's great. And obviously we want people to do that, right? But say, for instance, you like choke on, I don't know, like chicken that's like very chewy. Well, what's the thing that you like often choke on? I don't know, like chicken that's like very chewy. What's the thing that you like often choke on? I don't know. Like there could also be maybe like oxtails where there's the fatty part and you could choke on that. There's just so many things you can choke on and then you die alone. And it's like I did all of that work for six months protecting myself.

To just die alone? Die alone. Like, or on a cheese doodle. Like, something stupid. It's like, we got to live a little bit, no? Just a little? I went to go pick up my medicine like an hour ago from Walgreens. And on the way back, I said, hmm, this is a Baskin Robbins.

So I stopped at the Baskin Robbins. I walked into the Baskin Robbins and I was like, you know what? I'm not gonna get a little treat. I'm gonna get a whole fucking cake. So I picked out the cake I wanted. And the man goes, would you like me to write happy birthday on it or something?

And I was like, sir, this is for me. And he went, oh. And I said said i'm gonna eat this whole thing and i don't need to say a thing okay and he was like oh okay and i was like i can't be the only person who's walked into a baskin robbins and been like this cake is for me no he was so shook absolutely now that's where i'm like it must have been his first day ever, ever in a Baskin Robbins. I was like, so many sad people must walk in. Well, also, I want to bring light to like dessert tastes good.

Why do you always have to be sad to eat it? It's delicious. You know what? It is. When you're sad, people usually eat soup. Now, soup is like it's a hit or miss. But dessert is always delicious. So you don't always. Wait, when you're sad, people usually eat soup. Now, soup is like, it's a hit or miss. But dessert is always delicious. So you don't always.

Wait, when you're sad, you eat soup? Yes, yes. Soup is a very depression situation. Or like a pie, like chicken pot pie. That reminds me of like somebody doing a breakup or divorce, lost the house. Lost the house, let me get a Popeye. But like, I don't know, a three-layer chocolate cake? Bitch, come on.

You always be having a bad day to want that. I guess you're right. I do like a dessert when I'm happy. I just can't get behind the soup when I'm sad. I don't like soup. No? I think soup is a crime. I think you look goofy slurping it up with a spoon.

But then if you're going to bring the bowl to your lips, like you're too hungry. You're doing too much. Put the bowl down. Yeah. Yeah, I just, like clam chowder, who would ever? Yeah. You want white hot clams?

No. Tomato soup? Get out of here, it's it's ketchup gazpacho it's cold ketchup the only thing i can actually get behind is like maybe like a potato puree that's like not soupy but like just like real smooth mashed potatoes oh let me tell you, when I'm having a real hard time, I will be like so thirsty for a cheddar broccoli soup. Now that is just throw up. But I would go to Hale and Hardy and go in on it. And I was working across the street from one and I would go in all the time. And the woman would be like, you're the one that's like truly finishing this. Like you're the only one.

You make a pot at the beginning of the week and that pot is yours. You'll have a little scoop from that pot every day. But it's fine. I stand by cheddar broccoli soup. It's really a dip. It's really a dip. It is a dip. And the only way I'll eat it is from Panera Bread where they serve it to you in that bread bowl. And you can rip off pieces of the bread, dip it's really a dip it is a dip and the only way i'll eat it is from panera bread where

they serve it to you in that bread bowl and you can rip off pieces of bread dip it in that's the only way i can eat it okay you now you have standards you have standards just just a little it's like give me more carbs to go with my cheese stew yeah i'm not a soup gal no it's it's yeah i'm telling you it's a it's a bad day or a bad month when you're just craving soup all the time yeah i'm not a soup gal no it's yeah i'm telling you it's a it's a bad day or a bad month when you're just craving soup all the time yeah i don't think i've ever craved oh okay so i do like one kind of soup and that's ramen yes nobody told me that ramen was like soup no broth with like chunkums in there but it's not soup i don't ramen is it's not soup. I don't, ramen is ramen, soup is soup. We don't put ramen in the soup category.

I don't see it. Okay, fair. Because ramen is soup with personality and character. So much personality. Like ramen goes out. It has friends.

It's living its life. Yes. Soup is in the corner. Soup is sad. Soup ain't got no friends. okay so we should be we should be nicer to soup is that what you're saying we should i guess i should be nicer to soup soup is so sad did you see trump's uh it was a video of trump saying that protesters were bringing bags of soup to protests and and if you asked them why they had bags of soup,

they would just go, it's soup from a family. It's a clip where he says soup no less than 30 times in a matter of two minutes. And I don't think I've laughed harder. I don't believe that that's real, but maybe that was a bit for him. I feel like a lot of his life is a bit. Life is truly just so exhausting.

He's really a successful comedian. I don't call him a president, but a really on-the-money method actor and very thriving comedian. Mm-hmm. I mean, by that standards, Joe Rogan will be our next president. Oh, tough, tough to say out loud. I've never met Joe Rogan. I wonder if he's nice. I'm sure he's

a nice guy. He's a nice guy. I don't know him. But he's also got like one of those podcasts that it's just like everybody's everybody's feeling it yes everybody's loving it you know when something hits it hits and it hits hard have you been dating during this quarantine oh let me tell my story i'm so glad to be on here let me tell my story let me let me tell you my journey Nicole okay boom so I me and my ex broke up like a year ago legit a year ago and I was like going through it because you know I'm a lesbian very codependent um you know a lot of my mail was like still going to her house after the breakup like I had to borrow you guys were living together, we were living together five years. She was with me like during my,

I'm trying to get sober, my relapse, my depression. Like she's seen the absolute worst of me. So obviously we had to break up and it didn't last. And then- Obviously we had to break up. Obviously had to break up. When somebody sees you at their lowest, like they can't get wet like that.

It's just, they love you and they feel for you and they want to do nice things for you. But I don't know. Honestly, you know, it wasn't even her not getting wet. It was me because I was depressed. So let me not put that on her. She's an amazing person. I still love her and talk to her every day

because I owe her money. Anyway, so. No, no, no, no. Wait, but do you guys like actually talk a lot? No, all the time. Every day. Yeah. We're friends.

That's so fucking healthy. Is it? I think so. I think to be friends with your ex, like if you spent five years with somebody and then you just straight up never fucking talk to them again that to me is crazy yes you shared your life with somebody and you don't want to like just know how they are yeah I think that's literally psychotic I think more people need to hear this because a lot of people are on that cut them off I don't need them that person in my life they toxic toxic, you know, et cetera, et cetera.

But some relationships should still be flourishing. Like just because we're not together doesn't mean we can't check in. I want the best. Not for most of my exes, but this ex in particular, I would love for everything to go right for her. Because she's really an amazing person that just so happened to be from Detroit no shade on Detroit but she just so happened to be from Detroit and I was like okay well but anywho so then you know I started dating after that because you got to cleanse a palate like after a hard lesbian breakup where I mean I had to move out

I had to bring my friends to help me and I just have garbage bags garbage bags and that's how you know you lost in the relationship when you are moving things just in bags you have nothing I moved I bought a house and I moved from my apartment to my house in trash bags and the movers I think thought they were taking me like around the river bend under a bridge because one of them audibly said out loud wow i can't believe this is where we're taking this stuff where did they think they were gonna bring the stuff i don't know but i literally moved with a thousand heavy duty black trash bags i mean what you want boxes i don't know like what i guess but trash bags move shit very easily yeah and you label them you go this is the kitchen trash this is the bedroom trash this is the living room trash nicole you're the only other person i've spoken to that's like

speaking highly about trash bags it's easy like especially your clothes you want me to get a wardrobe box and then hang up my clothes? For what? For it to collapse into what would be a bag. And then you pick them up off the floor and hang them. Just put them in a bag. Take them off the hanger. Put them in a bag.

Rehang them. I'm here for it. I'm here. The only problem is the shoes. The heels. Like you got a triple bag, the heels. Don't wear heels. It was a lot of holes it was a lot of holes in the bag and you know they're in the middle of the move the back rip it whatever

that's no you know that we don't need to talk about that we I'm dating I'm out there you know my poom kosh just trying to get it recharged and ready for whatever this dating life is and you know the person that I was dealing with, somebody was calling me. It's okay. It's nice to know that you're popular and people call you on a Sunday. No, no, no. Okay.

I've gotten no phone calls today. What? Nicole, that's insane. You are so famous. The only thing I've gotten today was the nice man who lives with me took me off his family plan on the Apple TV. So I got several notifications about it. And I was like, I get it. I have no family.

Well, all these people are canceled. I'll call you Nicole. Listen, Mateo will tell you that I'm not afraid to FaceTime at any hour on the hour of the day and check in and be like, hey, what's up? Like we just spoke yesterday. I'll FaceTime you today. I like that. I love it. I'm good for it. I want to make sure that I do my own little personal wellness check. And when I'm doing a wellness check for you, it's really for myself.

Interesting. I like that. I like that you're saying that because I know sometimes when I check in with people, I'm like, this is for me to reach out and be like, I need to speak to a friend who I like. Yeah. Yeah. So anywho, the person after my ex, I knew that I wasn't ready to be in a relationship yet. I just I needed to be on my own because I was so obsessed with being a pair. So the next person that was in the way, not in the way, but the next person that had to deal with me, I also feel bad about too because then I started getting on meds and therapy

and it was just a Willy Wonka hot garbage of mess. And so I think she claims that she didn't want a relationship with me, but sis, let me tell you, the moves felt very relationship-like. But I'm not going to put that person on blast or front street. So then quarantine hits. And I start talking to another young lady. And by young, she was younger than me.

She was like almost 10 years younger than me. Wow, I can't believe I said that out loud but because I finally had gotten in a place where I was like oh I think I can love I came in too hot ah I came in too hot and I almost started to act like the last person that I was hooking up with and I put it on her and so we we're FaceTiming and watching movies together. And in my head, I'm like, oh, we're in love. And it's like, sis is just wasting time. She's just like, we're in quarantine. What else are we going to do?

You're just talking to somebody, right? You make sure the days are going by. But then her birthday hit. And that's when it was, that's when the turning point. turning point because for me I was like I am ready to love so I send 50 small cupcakes and two orchids like the oldest bitch on the block it's like who is sending orchids did someone die did you it's more creative than like sending a dozen roses right that's what i was thinking nicole but when i'm like oh this is creative the person is like you are crazy it's not creative you're crazy you're doing too much calm the fuck down and then we had to disperse i mean by and we it she was like i

don't want i can't do this she was like i don't like orchids and I don't eat cupcakes. Goodbye. No, she did love cupcakes and she did like orchids. That's why I got them. I was thoughtful. That is thoughtful. I was thoughtful, Nicole. I think it's thoughtful.

I'm sorry. No, it's right. You're right. But a really nice girl. I obviously, you know,, I was going through stuff. She probably got a side of me that did probably come off a little strange, but

I'm proud of the decisions that I made. May I ask how long have you been sober or is this a topic to avoid? No, no, no. I've been sober for three years. I started getting sober almost five years ago i started i started getting sober almost like five years ago maybe five and a half but then i relapsed uh two years in and then i you know

had to start all over but i had a i had a real good stint oh girl i was i was drinking and biking and doing cocaine in the day and the night. Wait, drinking and biking? Like on a bicycle? Yes, bicicleta. I was whitewining it down like a bottle in and then riding the bike in the summertime from Bushwick, the Bushwick in Brooklyn, to Harlem. Damn. Harlem. Did you hear me harlem i yes i was drunk on coke biking in the heat when i tell you snatched i was so snatched that summer yes

you probably were so thin it's very thin but but was thick because i was still eating i was still eating um but they thought that i had went away to go get um my butt done but i didn't it's just all the stuff with all the i was working on my glutes and so my butt was big and then face was gaunt that is wild that is a ride that's like what like an hour and a half on your bike? Oh, in the heat. This was like the dead of summer. Did anyone almost hit you? That's scary. You know what?

Let me tell you, when I was waitressing, like professionally as a career, I always was like drunk and high and I had to like overcompensate to make sure that I didn't get caught being too like blackout. So I would be very on alert, high alert. So I was biking and it was just like second nature to just keep my eyes open. I'll have my little speaker going. I would never wear headphones because I think headphones are distracting because you can't really hear what's going on.

I think they're distracting as well. At least you were smart while you were doing it. really hear what's going on. I think they're distracting as well. At least you were smart while you were doing it. I feel like I drank the most in my life when I was a waitress. I was waiting tables and you would like literally take your money and then give it right back to the restaurant because I would just sit there and just drink. One time I thought that I had lost $500. I had went to this I had went to this bar I'm getting shots but I knew all the bartenders so they wasn't really charging me they wasn't they'll try me for a drink but I'm getting shots I'm drinking I'm buying other people I'm

getting other people drink or whatever and I'm by myself spoiler alert uh you know I had got roofied one time and that stopped all those going out. Yeah, going out by yourself. It's like you really do need a buddy system. But yeah, I thought I had lost $500 and I hit up the bar and I was like, can you believe I lost $500 last night? And they was like, girl, no, you gave us $500. I said, why did you take it? What's wrong with you? Why would truly give y'all 500 they were like girl we

kept telling you you don't have to do this this is too much too much you were just throwing 20s at us you even gave us a 50 like you were doing a lot I was like I don't remember that they were like well you can check the cameras because you were doing it and i said okay i believe you i believe you i have been going to them for a long time so they wouldn't they wouldn't rob me like i was giving away the money that's very funny tequila is dangerous i worked on set 57th and broadway between 8th and broadway and we would either stay at the bar or go like around the corner where we would just yeah we, we would do like give them twenties, like tens. And they'd be like,

Oh, you don't have to be late, but I want to. We're handing out twenties like they're dollar bills. Yes. Insane. Because you have so much money on you. You're like,

I have to get rid of it. I have to. It like my hand was burning on fire. Whenever I had money. I'm so glad when they stopped giving us cash and we would have to like we they would just direct deposit. I was like, this is saving my life. Yeah. To have money on a card instead of just having cash really, really upped my like spending in terms of like spending properly. Yeah, I never got that. It was always like take home that cash that was also a bad server i would definitely always forget things

blame the kitchen um and then i like i worked at this place where they did like live shows and i was the last person like hired so i always had to like work this open mic thing for singers. And I was like, I'm never going to make any money when people just order like two teas to make their five dollar minimum. And then 20 percent of five dollars is a dollar. And I think, wait, five dollars, whatever it is, it doesn't set you up to be a good waitress. Yes, that's what that is. So then i decided i was like wait a minute if i ring in two t's and then drop this same check over and over and over

again i can pocket that five dollars and make a little bit of money for myself because i'm like am i really stealing if it's like hot water? And then I'm like, the $10 I've charged and like actually like put in the system, I'm like, that pays for the teabags of the people whose money I'm just taking. Nicole, the way you're thinking, I thought like that too. So you're fine. Okay, perfect. Thank you. In a grand scheme of things, these restaurants are robbing their customers. Yes.

Like, everything's overpriced. We know how much they really pay for the bottles of liquor. Like, it's a scam and don't feel bad. It is wild because, like, a bottle of vodka is, like, what, 20 bottles, $20? And then they charge $10 per drink. They've already made back the bottle after two drinks. Oh, and it gets better. When people are buying, like, bottle service,

now that's when it really gets criminal. Because I was a bottle waitress, and they would literally be like, oh, $600 for a gray goose. And that's like a $45 bottle. And I'm not going to tell you how sometimes they were refilling the Grey Goose with, you know, not well vodka.

Wow. I mean, good on you. That's wild though. So that's why I didn't feel bad for any of the stunts that I was pulling. Because, you know what? Whenever I did get my money, I was giving back to the community and making sure the other bartenders

and bussers and waitresses was doing well. I was tipping nice. I think that's good. I still, you could literally spit in my face as you serve me food and I will still give you 20, 25%. I just, I can't fathom giving any less. I remember going out with my

aunt once and she was like, if they wanted more money, they would get a better job. And I was like, well, if you don't want a tip, then you should cook at home. Because it's that simple. If you really hate service so much, you know what you can do? Go to the grocery store and bring your ass home and cook your own filet mignon. Mm-hmm. That's it. If you want your fries fast, honey, you make your own fries. Make your own dang fries.

I've been making so many french fries, so many tater tots, because I discovered how to, like, deep fry them without having a deep fryer. Are you talking about a air fryer? No, I'm talking about putting vegetable oil in a pan with a tall side, tilting it to the side, putting my tater tots in the oil, and they cook evenly and crispy and they're delightful and they're delicious. And then I drain them on a little paper towel. Then I squeeze the ketchup on them. And then I go them on a little paper towel. Then I squeeze the

ketchup on them. And then I go, munch, munch, munch. I love this. You just shared something that I didn't know. And I'm sure tons of other people didn't know about that either. You can also make deep fried pancakes. Whatever oil you use, do the same thing, but a little too much. Tilt it to the side. Deep fry them pancakes. I've never had a deep fried pancake. I used to make them when I was little. It's wild that my mother saw me doing this and was like, this is good for her. She set me up for some nice failures. Well, no, maybe she saw you doing it and she's like, oh, she looks so happy. Oh, maybe. I never think about things like that.

Yeah, because parents are just trying to find a way for you to keep busy. And they're like, oh, she wants to fry some pancakes. Let her fry some pancakes so she don't have to be in my face, you know? Yeah. And also, so like another thing about my mom, she used to make corned beef hash. Do you like corned beef hash? No. But Solomon, Solomon, Giorgio does. about my mom she used to make corn beef hash do you like corn beef hash no but Solomon

Solomon Giorgio does and every time we're at a diner he gets it so passionately and so proudly that it almost makes me want to get it but something something stops me because I'm like I don't think I like the taste

well only the good ones are out of a can if it's like homemade corn beef beef hash, it's disgusting. It has to be Hormel out of the can, and it's so fucking good. That's so funny that Solomon likes it. I wonder if it's like, I almost just said a black people thing, but you're definitely black. And then I was like, an island people thing, and I'm like, he's from Africa.

So I don't yes there's like truly no correlation that I can know he's the only one that likes it I haven't met anybody else who fucks with it like that the way he does like in front of a group of five yeah I don't think I'm gonna order in front of a group of five although last time I did order it in public was in fuck it was in a snowy place oh it was spokane washington which if you're from spokane good on you but sydney you don't ever have to go you are not missing a thing the people there are wild i really hated my time there i don't like it i also say the name wrong and people love to correct me. So if you're listening to this and you're like dying to correct me, don't do it. I don't give a shit.

Spokane, Spokane, whatever. But we went to this diner and I ordered corned beef hash, a bagel, and an egg and bacon. And it was so good. And then the next day I was so ill. so good and then the next day i was so ill yeah that i was like oh that feels wrong on all parts it was very bad and very wrong and i brought some of it home i was rolling around in my bed drunk eating it and then the next day i was like pop pop pop pop pop pop you're stomach yes it was tough you had the runs oh more than the runs it was it was as if like uh rocket ships were launching out of my asshole it was horrific okay i have a good story i have a great story because you said that you said that you were drunk eating it or whatever and that's like it like alcohol doesn't help you like like, settle. It doesn't help with digestion. And, like, the food just sits there.

So on one of my, like, beautiful tequila runs, I am, not runs like diarrhea, but, like, just going different places and having, like, tequila. I used to love pierogies. Veselka. Remember Veselka? Yes, yes, yes. I would love Veselka. Are they still open? I don't know. But I know that people were like,

we got to keep supporting them because it's like the best. They're so good. Their pierogies are so fucking good. Yes. So I'm, okay, I'm like maybe 15 tequila shots in. And I'm like going home.

I'm in the cab with my other friend, Jennifer, and we order maybe 25 pierogies or something like that. And I give her half and I take the other half. And then you know how you do the beets and the sour cream and the dill and you do all the works. And I like mine's boiled. Do you like yours fried? I can eat them either way i preferred

fried but boiled is fine love it boy i just love a pierogi so i'm in i'm in the cab we drop her off we get in a fight because i paid for it and she's like i wanted to pay and i was like this is dumb we're not men why are we fighting over paying this stupid so she gets out and i'm like deep throat and these pierogis in the fucking cab. The cab driver was annoyed because one, pierogies don't smell that amazing, but it was definitely like arugula and goat cheese. Uh-huh. Okay.

Do the most. Uh-huh. That's me. So then I finish all of them before we get to my destination. I get out. I'm lit. I'm like, oh, I can't wait to hit that bed. Hit the bed.

I go to sleep. Apparently I woke up in the middle of the night. I thought I was dreaming, but I threw up all over myself. Oh no. I had a weave, like a brand new weave. I threw up on the side of the bed, and I thought it was a dream, and a bitch went back to sleep, was laying in my own throw up.

Okay, listen, everybody's got to hear a rock bottom, babe. This was one of them. I had many. Some people say one. One rock bottom. It took me about 15. So I had a roommate at the time and she calls me maybe like 15 minutes before she's like home. She's like, yeah, I'm about to be home. Can you can you let me in? Blah, blah, blah. I don't I forgot my keys. So I'm in a panic because the pierogies everything was sitting in my weave just I mean beets dill sour cream your mama's shoe whatever not your mama but like in general just everything was in my hair and on the side of my bed and it had been sitting there for hours. Just bad. My room just, you should need to throw the whole bedroom away.

Anyway, I had to get a mop and I threw my head in the mop in the bucket of water and stuff because I was like, I just need to soak. And yeah, did I clean up in time for my roommate not to notice that I threw up on myself? Nope. She was like, what is that smell? What died in here? I said, girl, my soul, my soul is dead. Oh, wait. I was like, mind your business and go in your room that doesn't have a door.

You know when you have a big living room and you just have a curtain? I was like, bitch, go in your room and close the door. And she's like, there are no doors. Yeah, I moved out shortly after that. Yeah. Ooh, that is tough. Yeah.

But I've done it. I drank, I think, two bottles of red wine. I still have a problem with red wine. And I am not blind. People have tweeted at me, don't say you're blind unless you're blind, but I cannot see anything without glasses. Like if you are a friend

and you're standing two feet away from me, I don't know you're my friend without glasses or contacts. So that's nearsighted. Very, very nearsighted. Like I can't drive without glasses or contacts. I can barely read. I have to like, it's really bad. But I was at my dad's house house he kept like cases of wine around so i drank two bottles of red wine go to sleep

face down just pass out woke up and i was like what is that smell and then there was just red puke under me and i was like what is this and i didn't have my glasses on so i was like just mushing it with my hands and i was like what is this and then i was like oh my god it's all over me what it's not shit you can't shit from your like torso so i like took off my clothes ps never put on my glasses and then bundled it all up and i was like what i don't know what this is i was like better i better wash this so then i like take it downstairs and i think my glasses were downstairs i put my glasses on and i like open it up to put it in the washing machine i was like oh this is definitely vomit. Yes. And you're like, I probably should just throw these sheets away. Yeah, but I didn't.

I washed it out and used a lot of bleach and, you know, washed them up. Well, I will tell you that I did not throw my weave away because I had just got it and I paid a good, good money for it. And I said, I'm just going to soak it

in some herbal essence because, you know, herbal essence is like strong. Very like all of the floral like a bouquet and I just I just soaked it conditioned it and it it took three days for it to not smell like um somebody crawled in my scalp and died but yeah you know I tell all these stories because it's just like yeah you you look at someone and you think oh they got it together and it's like oh you don't know my second third fourth life you don't know what life i'm on you don't know you don't know me i barely know myself yeah i cut back on drinking after what was the oh after i pooped myself i think i've told that story on my podcast so we

don't have to go there again okay but i was just like i think it's time to like maybe not be so drunk that you don't wake up when you gotta shit yeah yeah it was also in a hotel and then i had to leave a note and be like i'm so sorry and i left them 45 dollars where it was like $40. That's not enough, Nicole. $40 for doo-doo? No, ma'am. But it was just like little novels. No, girl. You need to call that hotel immediately after the podcast and be like, yay, I don't know if you guys remember me, but when I shit in the bed,

they were like, oh, yes, we absolutely doo-doo remember you. We doo-doo remember you. We doo-doo remember you. We do do remember you. We do do remember you. I got to say, when quarantine started, I was like, okay, so we're back to just drinking three bottles of wine every night. And then I was talking to my therapist, and she was like, well, are you having fun doing that? And I was like, no, I keep waking up hungover.

And she was like, well, when things stop being fun, stop doing them. And I was like, hmm. Oh, damn. They should have told me about that for college. Because, like, I didn't get the hint with college until they was like, you got to go. So, yeah. And it wasn't fun. It wasn't good or fun from jump.

So I just did four years of, like, terribleness. And obviously my grades just sucked because i just couldn't i had anxiety and depression or whatever and they were like yeah it looks like we got all of the money that you were gonna give so you should just leave and um yeah i i proudly say that i did not finish college and if you hold that against me you don't understand you don't understand the scam that is the system college is a scam the american dream is a scam yes i mean i keep talking about how i was like america's not good who thinks it's good i was just talking to yasser lester about it and i was like tweet at me if you can tell me like three things that are good about America, I'll contemplate being like, all right, fine.

It's fine here. But I don't know what they say. Well, that episode hasn't come out yet. But by the time this one comes out, it would have been, I think, the week before this one. So I don't know. I'm excited to to hear or see the tweets. Me too. But first, we have to take a break.

Oh. And we're back. Sydney, what kind of lady are you looking for? Well, I know all those crazy stories. You're like, oh, this bitch has got to be alone but I found somebody you are dating someone I am I found someone on Instagram and I talk shit about that stupid ass app that gives me all of the drama and pain and never like the little joy that I get is like memes and stuff that my friends post. But for the

most time, I'm like, why do we do this to each other? But yes, I, I met somebody on Instagram, you know, slid in a DM. Well, they slid in my DM, but it all started with me, you know, just doing a little bit of likey, like liking, liking stuff, writing stuff in the comments. And eventually they caught on and yeah it just worked out i feel like we're soulmates but that's what most lesbians say in the first two months of dating so it's been two months i know you're in new york so like people are seeing each other because y'all really locked down and handled shit a little bit better than the rest of the country so are you like hanging out in person? What does dating look like right now?

I don't know. Well, the person doesn't live in New York. So there's a little bit of problematic traveling for Luv. But, you know, like I said, it's like you can take all the precautions, which, you know, I wear a mask and I get tested and I do what I can. But then there's at the point where it's like you will be mentally unwell if you stay in your apartment for more than

a month. You'll be unwell. Yes. And I was. I was like so sad. I was like, how are people not jumping off the bridge? And actually people were. So, you know, I I mean I don't know but I did watch that documentary called the bridge on Amazon and it's about people who were jumping off of the Golden Gate Bridge so sad but like people are like so sad right they're miserable and it's like I just want to live my life and be safe and if I think that this is the love of my life i need to get on that um that delta flight and do it wait where do they live you don't have to say it's oh they live in la oh so i can say hello to them imagine i was i mean i think now being on a plane isn't bad. No. I think it's when Americans start going back to work and then have more disposable income compiled with,

they're like, it's a hoax. Then I think it's like, oh boy, maybe I won't travel. It was safer in the airport when I went, because I went last month. And it was, everybody had, first of all, the flights was small. you could go in and out of the airport you could do backflips cartwheels everything and you could like run track in the airport there was no one there and then you get on the plane and everybody has their mask on nobody's

taking their mask off only to like eat or drink or something for a little bit but i slept in my mask i took a nap woke up puddle of drool so yeah everybody is kind of abiding by the rules for the most part when they're traveling and i mean we like stayed in the house when i was in la or like drove in a car to get food uh but nothing nothing crazy like we were you know just trying to be in love i guess or whatever yeah it was it was sweet but i'm also i'm also 35 nicole and i'm i'm just like i knew that you were older than me but that's so wild to me why because you said it the last time we talked oh yeah we did we did okay but i fully thought and still think that you are younger than me. Oh, okay.

You look so young. No, it's just I don't take anything serious. And, you know, I put rhinestones on my eyelids. So that also, you know, paired with the euphoria, I've done drugs before vibes. Yeah, you think I'm in college, but I'm not. I'm an drugs before vibes. Yeah, you think I'm in college, but I'm not. I'm an old ass woman. And I feel like I've done enough to feel like I know if something is going to move forward or not. And I think we all, especially after everything that just we went through, just stop wasting people time.

Like just, you know, if you want to be in a relationship or not, don't talk to somebody every day and send them stuff and do all these things if you're like oh i don't really want that it's just like okay so get off the apps yes i do not understand going out with somebody and then having them go oh i don't really want to be in a relationship right now i'm like then why are we out on a date why are we why are you literally wasting my time and other people not just my time yeah but like everybody's fucking time let me get this right y'all are casually dating in a full-blown pandemic bitch are you are you mad like these people barely wash their sheets wash their ass or wash their legs and you're telling me you're gonna trust them on these social distance dates you're telling me that you're gonna trust this guy named Earl oh because you're like oh yeah he he knows what he wants no he doesn't he does not change his socks no that's honestly why I've uh

just removed myself from the conversation it's a narrative I don't want to be a part of. I'm getting a little depressed. I sobbed on the phone with my therapist the other day. I was like, I just want to be fucked. And she very calmly was like, yes, I understand that. But also there's toys. And I said, Mary, I understand that there's toys. I use toys every night. I need someone to like, huff on top of me. And then for me to go, this is only mediocre. And she was like,

why do you want that? I was like, I can't tell you why. I just want it. I miss it. And she was like, it's okay. There's, I'm sure sure next week she'll have something more profound to say because sometimes it takes her a minute to go all right so nicole has cried to me telling me that she wants something mediocre i don't really understand that let me go away and come back which is what i love you just want to feel it like you want to be next to somebody and the vibes. It feels good. But I will say there's tons of people with empty promises, promises, promises, and they don't know what the hell they want. They're trying to heal from toxic relationships. And it's like, babe, I don't have the time. I need to put my eggs on ice. Do you hear me?

have the time i need to put my eggs on ice do you hear me i need a a dirty martini with my eggs in it and i need to know if i'm gonna have a family or not so like do you want to do you want this or nah or move on but also i don't have like a ticking clock i don't want kids like i don't want a family all right i think there's nothing scarier than a small child who looks like me who's just as loud as me but way more reckless because it's a child right it's scary i was a scary child i was so loud i felt so bad for everything my mother had to go through with me and also i was just like a contrarian and I would do things and she'd be like I don't understand this and I'd be like well figure it out you're my mommy but like I don't I don't want it I don't want a kid I don't I can't yeah I I could personally say that my situation

with my mother I know that she did not want kids but somewhere somehow managed to have three or maybe she wasn't ready or she I think she was like forced into having her first kid and then like there's just a snowball effect of everything else but you know she did what she could and I get it but because of my relationship with my mother and how like estranged I am from my family I'm like I do want a little bit of my own just to you know I'm tired of putting my random ass friends down for emergency contacts like I I get jealous of people who are like yeah I yeah my mom is my emergency contact I talk to her all the time it's like word you talk to her all the time like ah and and it's it's crazy because my mom did get COVID um and it scared me because I was like I'm I am under no way shape or form ready

I can't deal with any death no like like a family death no I can't I'm just mentally unstable for it and I was like you got gotta stay alive but she did and she still was homophobic and really problematic as she normally is and I was like you still got it in you bitch even after being in the hospital for two weeks you still like COVID didn't shake it out of her she was like I'll hang on to this you still like gays are bad really um but yeah i i just i want to have like a little family and um i don't need the kid to look like me or anything like that but you know i might adopt who knows my eggs could i drink red bull every day so i don't even know if i could have kids but i i just want a little something with a partner and you know that loves me and wants to have a kid too

and just break the cycle of whatever the Washington Robinson curse is I mean if I got into a relationship with somebody and they wanted kids I would like think about it and I'd like explore my options but like I'm not close to my family like I'm not close to my grandparents or anything like my grandmother went to the hospital my birthday and I thought it was a treat from Jesus, which is like, not that she didn't die. She's fine.

Right. Right. Right. It's not a nice thing to say, but she's like very mean to me. And it was just very funny. Can we talk about that for one second? Why do people try to guilt you into,

Oh no, no no no i need to remain nice to these people who yes blood are related but treat me worse than people like a stranger on the j train yes no yeah and i think that's just society and then like in therapy i would talk about how like me and my grandparents are and she was like just because they're your family doesn't mean you can't put up uh boundaries boundaries yes so that's like what i've done and i feel better for it she doesn't reach out to me i don't reach out to her and i'm like this is this must be a delight for her like i don't call her anymore she doesn't call me so it's just like i don't know why people are like, but that's your grandmother. And I'm like, and?

She's rude. She can go. I mean. Not your grandmother, but I'm saying like. No, no, she can. She truly can. That's so mean. No, I said to her the last time I saw her, I said,

honestly, this might be the last time you see me. And she laughed. Some people got the hate in their heart and it's not for me to try to change how you feel or have a new perspective listen I'm exhausted 2020 kicked my fucking ass and everybody else's and I don't have time to be rebuilding you as a person I'm barely I'm hanging on by a thread how dare you and yes she's your grandmother or anybody in your family whatever it's just like I don't I'm not here to fix anybody right now this is not I'm not a mechanic really worried about myself yeah that's it I'm just trying to eat my powder donuts and keep it moving but you know what I do think that back into this year

will pick up I don't know why i feel it in my heart of hearts but i think october is going to be like when it all starts to be okay for people and i think 2021 i really think it's going to be like the year it's been a bad year but it's i feel it's wild i was like i'm gonna tour less and then the universe went you won't tour at all and i was like oh okay and it's like oh i want to like take a break from some things the universe was like great you won't do a thing so i mean some great things happened for you this year and moving in moving forward just with your shows and awards and everything and it's like you also are getting the shine that you deserve in a in a fucking pandemic yes so that's why i'm saying i gotta phrase it a different way so 2020 is gonna be

the year for no 2021 will be the year for everybody yeah but i think that's what we need to stop doing. We got to stop claiming these fucking years. We got to close our damn mouths and just let the year play out. It's like when somebody's like, oh, we're going to get married. No, no, no, no.

Don't do that. Don't put, because then the universe is here. The universe is, because it's more than one universe. It's like, oh, say what? You think that you could claim something before i do let me switch it

up and that's why i think 2020 was cursed from the beginning because everybody kept talking about how 2020 was going to be so lit then what we was on our backs we were on our backs on our couches and in the fetal position truly like three months in 2020 was like go fuck yourself yes which is very like very ballsy but also rude but also a new yorker yes 2020 is a new yorker yes 2020 is a little bit of a new yorker in a way where like some good things have happened but a lot of bad things have happened because people are like new yorkers are rude i'm like no they're not they just don't suffer no fools like they're like new yorkers are i love new yorkers i miss new yorkers because people in la will lie to your face and smile so we're in new york they'll just be like oh i don't know

where you're supposed i don't know i don't stop talking to me and you're like got it okay and that's what 2019 was fake it was trying to trying to make you think like, oh, things are pretty good. No, no, no. We're fine. Don't worry. Like Trump is president, but we're going to make it. It's not going to get worse than this.

And then 2020 was like, bitch, let me show you the truth. Like a New Yorker. Oh boy. Sydney, do you have any advice on how after COVID is done, I can go about trying to get my fuck on? Well, if you just want to fuck, good thing is that people are-

Well, no, I want a relationship. Relationship, okay. Now, this is what I say. I think write it down. Have you written stuff down like that before what I say. I think write it down. Do you write? Have you written stuff down like that before? I have. I write down every year what I want in a partner and what I like.

Just, yeah, what I want. OK. And are you a person that's like open? Yes. Very open. I'm open to any old thing. No. open yes very open I'm open to any old thing no it doesn't sound nice but like I just I keep my options open because I hate when people are like oh well I'm just not attracted to that I'm like

well how do you fucking know exactly you don't know it's true it's it's very true okay so you write it down you're very open you're doing all the right things right but also it's kind of like when you pivot and don't even think about it sometimes that happened that's good too that has happened to me where like if I don't even think about work coming because when I stress and like I want a book I want to get nothing is my my emails empty as fuck nobody's reaching out I ain't got nothing bank account looking real sad but then when I calm down I'm, I'm like, it's going to come. Don't worry.

Before the pandemic, I had a roommate. I didn't think that I was going to be able to move out of my ex's apartment. I had nothing but garbage bags. And now I got this little apartment by myself. Cute. It's cute. And you have plants behind you and mood lighting. Living.

And, you know, am I paying my rent on time? No, but the rent is getting paid all by myself and I'm working through it. So it's like I was like, it's going to come if I keep stressing it, then that's when I don't get what I what I deserve. But when you relax and just let, you know, the the arms of an angel take you in and give you what you deserve, maybe it might happen. But also it's like right now the caliber of people, I'm not going to lie, is pretty bad because they're like selfish. They're sad. They don't have anything to talk about. They are bitter or angry or mad at the system or just they don't even love themselves. So right now, if you date most of the people, if you were able to go out, we're getting people who went through World War V right now. So I think it's like would be good to wait it out a couple months and like just chill and not even think about it. And then hopefully when there's a vaccine, you could really get out there and get a better level of it.

I mean, if you it's men, right? Or women? Doesn't matter. I'm into whatever. I mean, I can't just say whatever. Whatever. I have said on podcast i'm like nobody really slides in my dms that i'm into or no i said nobody slides into my dms and then some people

have slid into my dms and i'm like and then i should know and then that to like people i'm like just attracted to like right off the bat but like i don't know sometimes when you talk to somebody you're like oh my god i never thought of this like the first no the third woman i slept with i was like we were in a bar and i was like oh my god i'm in love with you and it was like somebody that i knew and never felt like that before until we like were looking into each other's eyes and i was like oh my word so i don't know that's why I don't take anybody off the table I like that I like that but I really do think because I've talked to so many of my

friends and I feel like my friends are good people but I also feel like they're in really bad places like it's just yeah even if their career is going well they're miserable even if their relationship is decent they're miserable even if like oh we get to be out and about and do things do things they're like oh but it's so scary it's covid i don't know i don't like people are just nervous and stressed so we're not getting the best of the best here the election about to come up so like i really just think you should just like buying a house i should wait till after the election to get into a relationship to be honest nicole straight up the fact that i'm doing something long distance it's only because like something inside of me is like oh this is my match but otherwise no ma'am like when that when that younger girl was like i'm not ready to date i was

like she's just not ready to date me because i'm old was like i'm not ready to date i was like she's just not ready to date me because i'm old and like i'm crazy and i got nothing going on and i don't even have a deadline like it's just i was going nuts and then this other person just swooped in when i wasn't even think about it but yeah i just we went through it i don't know i i really feel like there's something good out there for you and just don't give up and don't be too hard on yourself because you're doing amazing. Sydney, thank you.

I'm going to ask you a question I ask every guest I have. Would you date me? Yes. You're so funny. You skate. Not well. That doesn't matter. You're not scared to try new things.

You said, I'm going to get on that pole, bitch. And I'm going to wear these heels. And I'm going to do it up. And you're going to buy that Jeep. And you're going to take these photos. And you're going to have fun. And it's like, yes, that's exciting. We get these mundane ass people on these apps that don't do shit.

And they're like, I like hiking. It's like, ugh. Do you know what life is? Y and they're like I like hiking it's like ugh do you know what life is yuck I like dogs and ice cream that is your intro word you're so fun and you like

you're beautiful you got a body and you do different things with your hair like come on now thank you there is some woman in Minnesotanesota dating a man that has not had a haircut since um 2005 he looks the same every single day we black women we change it up our eyebrows one day is green the next is purple like how could you not want to date us and you you'd be surprised losers i think so well sydney thank you so much for doing this yeah this was fun i had a good time with you and um i think i i like your podcast because it's like

why won't you date me is a real question that everybody asks especially because we don't get closure from when people like cut us off. But I also feel like maybe there could be like a part two of your podcast. It's like people who will date you. Hmm. Well, I don't even know how I'd go about booking that. Cause right now I'd be like, Hey, do you want to do my podcast also uh why won't you

date me and they're like oh i what i would no but no no it's like would you date me and these are people who are yeah would you they would be fans and we all know their fans are like out of control but i don't i wouldn't do something like that specifically because i'm not trying to like broadcast a relationship in real time yeah like the people i don't even talk about people in real time i will wait to talk about somebody till it's been done for months uh just because i'm like i don't so smart well it's one of those things where I'm like, I don't need that person the minute we stop dating to hear me talk shit about them. So it's like if you wait a couple months and they're like, are they talking about me or somebody else? So it's like you never know.

And it stays pretty ambiguous. You're so smart. Just trying to be a little smart. You know you are. But sometimes, I don't know. Sometimes people will. I've had a text or two where they're like is this about me and one time it was and i was like hmm i'm gonna tell i was like yep yeah definitely

definitely was about you sorry about it and then there was no like follow-up text so it's like whatever i don't know people are they're wild now Now that I'm just like really open about dating women, I try not to, I don't want to trash a woman. But if I was straight, oh, I would let all the dirty laundry out. Oh, well, people get very upset when I say I don't want a tiny dick man. Oh, come on now. For me, I am like, you must understand, unless you're dense, I am talking about a cisgendered man. Yes.

And I don't want his tiny dick. Am I dick shaming? No. I just don't want a tiny dick. That's just, that's how I feel. And then people have been like, well, what if they say they don't want a fat woman? I'm like, then great. We don't have to fucking date.

What is your problem? I don't give a shit. I'm not shaming him. I'm just saying I don't want him fucking date. What is your problem? I don't give a shit. I'm not shaming him. I'm just saying I don't want him. Nicole, I understand. It's the people. They don't understand. They make me mad.

Sydney, do you have anything you want to promote before we wrap it up? You know, I just got a cute ass Instagram show that's every Sunday at 7pm but I might change the time who knows but it's I can't cook but I say that I can and I have people try to help me cook something with a recipe or not

I would love for you to come on if you can I was too afraid to ask please don't be afraid I like you I think you're very fun and funny I would love to help you cook something I'm so bad at it no it's better when you're very fun and funny. I would love to help you cook something. I'm so bad at it. No, it's better when you're bad.

It's better when you're bad. I have watched Mateo cook things. He's beautiful at it. I take this to watch him and then try to recreate it. Like I tried to make his carbonara and I just scrambled some eggs. He was so bad. Oh, he is like king. King of carbonara. But yeah, that and I have a podcast called The Unofficial eggs. He's so bad. Oh, he is like king. King of carbonara.

But yeah, that and I have a podcast called The Unofficial Expert. And that's it. Nothing else. I love it. That's great. Thank you. Well, if you like this episode of Oh, Why Won't You Date Me? You can like, you can subscribe.

Give me a five star review. Also, if you send me something nasty uh i will read it this person said hey nicole i want to shove a lump of coal up in your hot little snatch along with a time lapse camera ew and watch that ew lump of coal form into a diamond oh okay of the purest kind with only the sweltering heat and pressure of your fantabulous pussy to cook it to perfection. Then I would extract that perfect diamond from your perfect pussy and secretly plan the loveliest marriage proposals. With the custom ring, I will painstakingly make by hand for you. With each, I would ask you to be mine with any of the finest eatery establishes.

What? Oh, they're going to take me to Guy Fieri's restaurant to propose. And then it says i hope you're doing well my favorite are the nasty ones where people are like okay bye bye or i hope you're well i love you so much um but yeah that's it okay bye This has been a Team Coco production.