Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Role-Playing (w/ Rachel Bloom)

Episode Date: January 18, 2019

"Good role-playing is just bad improv"Rachel Bloom (Crazy Ex-Girlfriend) has an open discussion about finding therapy and using medication to treat mental health. She also discusses why improvisers should not role-play in the bedroom. As kids, Nicole and Rachel both had imaginary friends they would have sex with. Nicole's given up on dating and considers dating a ghost. She also describes her love for cocaine.Be sure to check out Crazy Ex-Girlfriend on CW!You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oof, baby, welcome to Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though if you ghost me for a full year and then text me again, I'll come running because I'm desperate.

Oh, my guest today, you know her from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. She fucking created it. It's a wonderful show. Also, she's got a movie on Hulu right now called Most Likely to Murder. Rachel Bloom! Yay! I don't know why you're still single, by the way. You're fucking

gorgeous. Your personality is like a piece of sparkling sunshine. And I don't think it's out of line to say like, I bet you're really good at fucking. I think I am. I feel like I've heard you describe your techniques before and I'm like, oh my God,

I didn't even think of doing that thing. I think I am good and I've never gotten any complaints. If anything, I have a lot of people apologizing for coming too fast. And then I say, I know, I give a powerful blowjob and I got a fat ass.

Sometimes it's a little too much to handle. And it's true. So you think the ass, like having like a juicy ass, because I've been with the same guy for 10 years. And so I'm really out of the like, I don't, I've been with one dude. So having like a juicier ass is like better for the dick? I don't know if it's better for the dick.

I think it's just like, it's a lot coming at you. Okay. Because it's also like an angle. So it's like, it's a big round butt. Yeah, sure. And I think it's just like, oh, this thing that's just like really coming at me. And then there's tattoos on it. There's literature.

Oh, really? Mm-hmm. So I have a cupcake, an ice cream cone, a lollipop on one side. It says it's sweet, just taste it. And I just add it on it. There's literature. Oh, really? Mm-hmm. So I have a cupcake, an ice cream cone, a lollipop. On one side, it says, it's sweet, just taste it. And I just add it to it. A hamburger and a hot dog that says, stick it in these buns. Because I thought that was very funny. That's fucking amazing.

And then on the other side, I have a chili pepper that says, muy caliente. And I just recently got. That's only one cheek you described? Yeah. I have a big ass. It's very big. a chili pepper that says muy caliente and i just recently got one cheek you described yeah i have a big ass it's very big um i was dating this dude and i had gotten the hamburger and hot dog tattoo and then we like finished and i was like i got a tattoo did you notice he was like yeah i mean i noticed the big uh bandage on you but i didn't ask what it was and i was like i mean you should have what if i was like sick yeah if you're on a sexism

when they have a giant bandage near where like your parts are you gotta be like are you okay yeah like just like a quick what's wrong with your butt and then I was like I got a new tattoo

and he said what is it more food and I was like well that seemed dismissive it is indeed more food but it is you got it right that's amazing thank you that's really fucking cool i just really

love to think about things that make me laugh and then make them permanent on my body i really just love a good chuckle i mean just a good fucking hilarious thank you i've been agonizing over my first no i've been agonizing over what to get for my first. But the fact that you have literally bits on your ass makes me like. What do you want to get? Well, I always told myself if I had my own TV show that I'd get something to commemorate it. So but the thing is, I wanted to get a pretzel. But so many fans of the TV show have already gotten that. It's like, I don't don't I want to do something that feels unique to me.

Anyway, relatable problems. I mean, for me, it is. I guess I'm talking about a food tattoo. Yeah, I mean, I have a ton of food tattoos. Yeah, I'm trying to think of what. That was like a broken heart. No. No.

Your show is so funny. Oh, thank you. The songs are great. They're so true to you and your style. But then the dialogue is just so funny as well. Well, that's also a testament to my writing partner. Have you met my writing partner, Aline? I don't know.

Aline Barash McKenna. She wrote such movies as The Devil Wears Prada. Yes. Every fucking word of that movie is her. It's great. Yeah. The speech that Miranda Priestly gives about the color teal. Oh, it's amazing.

And she just, Aline just like basically pulled that out of her ass. So she's some, so I am really new to fashion. Aline has loved fashions since she was like little. And I feel like you've probably loved fashion all your life. I do. because you just look like a dumpster right now because i was on a plane you don't look like a dumpster though thank you even like your plane look is fucking amazing thank you um but she just pulled that cerulean speech out of her ass really yeah this is this could be fashion i mean i'm insanely jealous of people where writing comes easily to them and natural

to them well it comes easy to you naturally to you though a little no it's work yeah I think for every writer it's work and then you have these bursts of inspiration and then it's work again and then you feel like shit when it's work because you remember the time that you wrote something in

20 minutes that was brilliant and you're like oh why it's work because you remember the time that you wrote something in 20 minutes that was brilliant and you're like, oh, why can't I fucking do that? I think I've lost it. Yes, I feel like I lose it a lot. You feel like, I feel like people describe

true creative moments, it feels like you're being possessed by something else. J.K. Rowling described the moments where she thought of Harry Potter on the train as like it felt like almost another force

was like entering her mind. And that's why people have argued that it's that she's Satan that it's Satanic that it was the devil breathing life into her that's very funny to think that something so whimsical would be evil that makes no sense the world where like the embodiment of evil is saying, how can I corrupt society? Oh, I know a story about a child wizard. An orphaned child wizard and his ragamuffin friends. What a lame devil. Right? If that's like the case that like the worst you can do is Hermione fucking Granger. I did not know how to say Hermione until the movies came out.

Really? I called her Hermione. Hermione. A lot of people thought Hermione. Oh, Hermione. Maybe. I don. Really? I called her Hermony. Hermony. A lot of people thought Hermione. Oh, Hermione. Maybe. I don't know. I don't know what I would say. It was something wrong. Well, that's okay. It's a podcast about why are you single? Are you like a big

Harry Potter fan? Not huge, but yes. So I devoured the books. Sure. And I prefer the books over the movies. I mean, same fucking here. Hashtag not my Dumbledore. No, not my Dumbledore. Not my Dumbledore.

No, yeah. Neither. The movies were fine. A fine event to go to. But the books. Like, I remember when the last book came out, I was like sitting at my kitchen table. My dad was like, what are you doing? And I was like, I have to find out how it ends.

Right now, Harry might be dead. Yeah. And my dad was like, who is Harry? Who is Harry? I don't get it, daughter. That's just a dad being an asshole. Who's Harry? He knows who Harry is.

I don't know if he did. My dad was, so my mom died when I was 16. And then my dad was, I guess it like taking a step back which I feel like some dads do when girls become teenagers so then he had to take a step forward and truly didn't know anything about being a dad like he sat me and my sister down and said what is your curfew I said midnight and Catherine my sister said 10 she's older than me but my dad was like great you come home at 10. You come home at midnight. And I was like, on Saturdays, I get to come home at 2?

And he was like, well, all right, on Saturdays, I'll see you at 2. He just, I think he was like, they would never lie. And I was like, that's all I do. That's all I'm going to do to you forever. Did she then change her curfew? She's like, oh, never mind, 10. I meant. No.

No. She would come home at 10. My sister. who has a self-imposed curfew of 10 p.m my sister is like a little angel i once asked her to describe herself and she was like well i guess i'm small boring and nice what does she do she's a teacher she helps um she's a teacher's aid for kids with special needs. Wait, oh my God, she's perfect. Also, the perfect, like, that's such a rom-com protagonist. Right? Like, you would read that in a script, like, meet, what's your sister's name?

Catherine. Meet Catherine. Parentheses. Self-imposed curfew at 10 p.m. Teacher for special needs. Only wears cream colors, I'm guessing. I mean, you're not far off. You'd read that and be like, is anyone like that? You're like, no, I'm guessing. I mean, you're not far off. You'd read that and be like,

is anyone like that? You're like, no, not at all. Is she with someone? She is not. We are two little single people with abandonment issues. We'll sometimes talk about it, just surfacy,

where I'm like, yeah, I feel like if I ever fall in love he's just gonna go away quickly or die and she's like i feel the same way okay well i guess i'll call you on tuesday bye so that's like one-to-one with your mom uh yeah and then my dad died when i was 21 oh fuck yeah so oh jesus christ i'm sorry I'm sorry. That fucking sucks. Thank you. It does suck. Allow me to be the first person ever to point out how much that blows.

Was it unexpected with both of them? Yeah. So my mom died of deep vein thrombosis, which is a blood clot that travels to your heart and stops your heart. And it's a hard thing to track. And then my dad died from a massive heart attack one day when I wasn't supposed to be home. But I was living in New York and my friend was driving back to Jersey. And he's like, I'll just take you.

And I was like, okay, cool. And then we had a great last day. And I'm glad that we ended on good terms because we didn't have the best relationship, which has now influenced my relationships with men. And that was a fun thing to find out in therapy. So are you in extensive therapy? Yeah, I've been in therapy for about a year and a half maybe two years at this point you've only been in therapy for two years well okay i was in therapy in high school and my guidance counselor this woman was really great to me at this school like she truly went

above and beyond she would take me to therapy and I didn't like that therapist because she had red lipstick and a bunch of books that I thought were fake. And I was just like, you're lying. You're telling me lies. Then I had another therapist in college

who tried to hypnotize me. She didn't. I lied and said she did. And then I was like, well, I can't go back to her because I think she's going to try it again and I'm lying to her. And then it was also all the way in Brooklyn I was living in the Upper West Side I'm like this is not a good match and then my friend Marcy Jaro you know Marcy she

found me my current therapist she was like here talk to this woman she found you a therapist uh-huh why did Marcy find you a therapist because Marcy takes care of me that's amazing she truly was like I found a therapist it was a recommendation from of me that's amazing she truly was like I found a therapist it was a recommendation from a friend I do think you should talk to someone and I was like I wonder if it's the same therapist a lot of hipster people go to there's this one there's this one hipster people I'm there's this one therapist who like seems to treat the a lot of people in my circle and I went to high school with her. Oh no, you did not go to high school with Mary.

Mary's an older woman. Oh, Mary's an older woman. Okay. And then, you know, Sissy Fenwick at UCB just got certified as a therapist. Yes. But I feel like that would be weird. Oh no, I wasn't saying you should go. I was saying like open ad for Sissy.

That's nice. Sissy's great. Sissy's great. You should, if you live in the LA area, hit her up for some help. I've had the same psychiatrist for five years and I love him and we're like super close. Not in like a weird way. Although he gave me his like Instagram username. So like maybe he's like an unorthodox psychiatrist.

He's like a cool psychiatrist. He serves. And I was on set and I was like i gotta go to therapy in santa monica right now and someone i work with was like um what's your psychiatrist's name and i said and he's like oh that's my psychiatrist so i ran into someone else who shares him. I started going to a psychiatrist like a year ago because I was like having issues and I was like, I think I have

ADD. I don't know. Something's going on. And then I went to the psychiatrist and she was like, you definitely have ADD. It's bad ADD. And I was like, okay, cool. But her office hours are so weird. She's like in the office Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and then for half a second on Wednesdays

and then for two minutes on Thursdays. It's very strange. They can make their own hours. Does she take insurance? Yes. Oh, because I was going to say the ones that don't take insurance are unfortunately seen as the upper tier ones and they really can make their own hours because.

She does not take insurance. I think I am supposed to submit my receipts to my insurance company to get reimbursed slightly. Yeah. Yeah. So it's like so that means like she's like higher end can make her own weird fucking hours. I mean with a high end psychiatrist. It sucks that that's the case. But it it's the unfortunate truth that a lot of the

people who are quote-unquote higher end although you know what i started therapy in college and i started going to this place um oh god it's called national institute for the psychotherapies it's it's it's right on columbus circle and i paid five bucks a session and it was amazing and basically it was certified psychologists who were studying psychoanalysis and it was fucking great therapy's fun i mean i my show is basically about how great therapy is are you on any meds now i am i'm on vivance because i told her i like cocaine and you cannot abuse vivance she's like you can crush it you can snort it it's same it's time release and i said yeah right you better believe I snorted one.

I was like, uh-huh, yeah. Holy shit. Wait, did it feel like cocaine? No. Wait, is it, how does cocaine, oh, like cocaine focuses you in the same way Vyvanse does? That's so interesting. So like in college or theater school, whatever you want to call it, it wasn't real college, we would do a lot of coke and i

would learn lines i would clean and i would be like guys good night like i would just go to sleep and people like how are you sleeping and i'm like i don't know but it's time for bed holy shit so coke literally works with your body chemistry and then coffee i can drink a pot of coffee and go right to sleep oh it's annoying but you'd think that be, this is me not being a doctor, you'd think that would be the opposite, that if you have ADD, because I have touches, you know, everyone's on a spectrum. I definitely have touches of the ADHD, and my psychiatrist has been like,

don't, coke would be very bad for you because you're already at that kind of level. Now I have tried it, and I didn't, it was, I hadn't done enough to, it just woke me up from that kind of level. Now I have tried it, and I didn't. I hadn't done enough. It just woke me up from a glass of wine. Yeah, medication's interesting. Are you on medication?

I am. I am on the delicious Prozac. Yum, yum, yum, yum. And actually, the last time I just met with him, he is a really big fan. So the great thing about being with a psychiatrist is everything is very holistic. Everything is connected. So it's like we're going to put you on the Prozac to supplement the talk therapy.

And he's a very, very conservative doser because it's like what's going to make you feel better? And so I did a genetic cheek swab to see he's going to take a look at what my genetic serotonin and dopamine levels are because we think I might be gaining weight from the Prozac. I mean, it could be that or the donuts on set. But I've definitely, between the time I started the show and now I'm like 15 pounds heavier. So I may be switching, but the Prozac worked, I mean, excellently and I haven't had. I mean, the only side effect i've seen maybe is maybe is weight gain but it might not be that everything else like i still want to fuck that's good um yeah

i'm a very big not advocate for medication but i'm like take it like if you need it take a thousand fucking yeah i'm literally working on a song right now that kind of relates to this. So it's on my mind a lot. Yeah, it's great. Medication is great if it's like the right dosage for your body. And done well and someone is helping you through it. Because I would do stand-up sets and I used to always have to have my notebook with me. And if I was doing two shows in a night, I would get really confused and be like, I think they've heard this already. And it's like, oh, they heard it in the earlier show. And if I was doing two shows in a night, I would get really confused and be like, I think they've heard this already.

And it's like, oh, they heard it in the earlier show. And then I'd be like, okay. And then I would just spend a lot of time just in my head and not in the moment. And then I started taking my medicine. And now when I do shows, if I skip a joke, I'm able to, while I'm talking, go, we'll just say that joke next.

Well, that's fucking awesome. And yeah, it's been just so rewarding. So it's made you a better comedian. It really has. It's been fucking phenomenal. And I love it. Here's a question. Yeah.

Did you meet Gregor at UCB? Yeah. So by the way, I'm like, I have some post nasal drip and it sounds like I'm snoring. So just I didn't just do coke before. She's railing lines of cocaine as we talk. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So it's going to make him sound a little creepy but not really um he was one of the founders of my college sketch group so he was at my audition when i was 18 for this group called hammer cats yeah uh yeah you know them from new york so he literally heard me out in the hallway being louder than everyone else auditioning. I was like, who is this fucking annoying fucking theater kid? And I came in and auditioned and I fucking nailed it. And then we became friends. We met in passing and then a month or two later I was home. I was home visiting my high school because I missed.

I went and saw my high school's fall play because I was like homesick you're uh adorable yeah I'm uh yeah and so I was on the plane uh back to New York from LA and this guy comes up to me at California Pizza Kitchen and in their report and is like hey it's me Gregor and I texted my friend I was like they say their name is Gregor like yeah yeah yeah they say their name is Gregor that's a weird name he's like no no Dan Gregor. And I texted my friend. I was like, they say their name is Gregor? He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. They say their name is Gregor. I was like, that's a weird name. He's like, no, no, Dan Gregor. Actually, it was the guy I was dating at the time. I dated a lot of the same guys within this one sketch comedy group.

It's not great. So Gregor and I became friends for a couple years, and then we started dating my senior year of college. Here's a fun fact about me. I have never had sex with a guy that didn't go to NYU. Really? Yeah. You got a bougie ass puss It's really

That is so funny Yeah That's wild It's really I've been with the same guy since I was 21 I have only had one type of dick in me That's so I mean not one

They've been different Different dicks but they're Ivy League educated dicks. NYU's Ivy League, right? Oh, it is fucking not. It's not? Columbia had a Facebook group called NYU students will be bagging my groceries one day because they're Ivy. Oh, they're such fucks.

I hate them. How rude. Oh, they're such... I interned at SNL with a guy who went to Columbia, and he corrected my pronunciation of Ahmadinejad. Who's Ahmadinejad? He was the prime minister of, right, president? Prime minister of Iran. Girl, I don't know.

He was the guy. He was the Iran guy. Oh, okay. And I mispronounced his name, and I remember him being like, it's Ahmadinejad. He's a world leader. And then a couple weeks later, he was trying to talk to Michaela Watkins, who remains an amazing human being

and he referred to one of the sketches as a skit oh no and Michaela Watkins very nicely was like oh it's it's called a sketch and she walked away and then Columbia turns to me and he's like what's the what's the difference what because he just got uh you know he just got corrected by an SNL and I was like well Columbia a skit is something you do at a summer camp. And a sketch has a game and it heightens. And then it has a button and a blackout, you know. What a nerdy argument that I'm thrilled was had. It was wonderful.

I felt so superior. No, NYU is like mid-level. It's like the stereotype of it. I mean, I went there for theater, so it's different. But the stereotype of it, I think, with grades is that if you get rejected from all the Ivies, you get an NYU. You get an NYU. So I've had like, you know, mid-level dick, which is, I think, appropriate for the level of quality sex I've had. Except for my husband.

So you've been together for 10 years. Yeah. Married for? Almost four. Okay. And where did he propose to you? We were in New York and he proposed to me in front of his old apartment in the West Village where we first started dating. It was so romantic and I totally saw it coming because we were in New York for his best friend's wedding. And he kept talking about when we get married, when we get married. And I thought it would be a couple more years because I knew at the time he wanted to make this movie, which I ended up being. And he had just How I Met Your Mother that he wrote on was ending.

So I was like, there's no way he's going to want to pay for a wedding and an engagement ring now. But he kept kind of, I think think unconsciously bringing up like oh when we get married and and finally one day i remember we were at i think the bar blockheads remember that bar yes because they had like five dollar frozen margaritas yes we were at blockhead sugary oh that place like 54th or something yes exactly we were at blockheads with my friend and my friend went to the bathroom and and we were and he kept bringing up the wedding thing. And I was like, hey, when do you think this is going to happen? He's like, well, I don't know, like soon, right?

And that was like news to fucking me. I had no idea. I wasn't pushing for it. I wasn't pushing for a proposal. And so I went to the bathroom, and I texted one of my best friends who's married to his writing partner. I was like, hey, I think Gregor might propose. I made a Pinterest page for engagement rings because she had told me to because she had, of course, known. And little did I know he'd already bought the ring.

So anyway, we were in our – it was New Year's Eve and we were in this hotel room. He got in a nice hotel and he's like, let's go for a walk. It was like snowing outside. I was like, no, I want to cuddle and fuck. And he's like, let's just go for a walk. Let's go for a walk. It was like snowing outside. I was like, no, I want to cuddle and fuck. And he's like, let's just go for a walk. Let's go for a walk. Okay, let's go for a walk. And then while we were getting ready for the walk, I was on Facebook.

And a bunch of proposals were happening. I was like, ugh, everyone's getting engaged today. I'm engaged. I was like, how basic is that? And his face like went ashen. And I instantly was like, oh, fuck. And so as we were walking, I kind of knew. And I tried to like take up time because I was like nervous.

And I was nervous. I was about to get proposed to. And so I was like, oh, there's a Marc Jacobs store. Why is there a Marc Jacobs store everywhere? Why do we need more Marc Jacobs store? And he was like, hey, can you stop talking for just a second? We were both really nervous. It was really sweet.

That's so cute. I was a child. Like, I see my wedding photos. I was 28. And I look, I mean, partially because I was young, but also, I think, because of the, like, 10, 15 pounds I've gained. I look like I'm a fetus. I look like I'm a fetus I look like I'm a true child bride that's funny to look at pictures truly from not that long ago and you're like I looked so young and I'm getting so much older oh it was I mean I see pictures from the

pilot because I had in my head you know when you move out here like New York I didn't think about my body much I just feel like I don't know you I also never thought about my body in New York, I didn't think about my body much. I just feel like, I don't know. I also never thought about my body in New York. You just don't think about it. You don't really talk about it. Maybe that's a luxury of being with the same guy, and also I was skinnier, especially in college. And then I moved out here, and I started going to commercial auditions,

and I instantly felt super fucking out of shape. And so I had it in my head when I was getting married, and we were making the pilot, like i'm so normal i'm i'm gonna show people what a real body looks like or whatever and i i look at pictures of myself in the pilot i'm like you i was so skinny that body dysmorphia is crazy i was a size four yeah that's tiny why would i ever think that that's anything but like in good shape because now i'm like an eight fucking do that to you yeah you just kind of i think it's warmer so people wear less clothes most of the time in new york everyone's bundle up for like what six months out of the year yep and then you just see these insanely unattainable body like whenever i go to

the gym i'm like that's a fake butt. That's fake. That's fake. That's fake. Everything is fake. And I just have to remember that they bought it. It's not like they were blessed with something that I wasn't blessed with. Also, everybody is a different body.

And that was a hard thing to accept. And it's funny that I, also in New York, was fine with it. Moved out here and then had to get okay with my body that I was already OK with. Sure. Which was a very, very strange journey. But now you're I mean, you are super fucking like I feel like every other Instagram post is you like in a bikini. I love this fat little body now. You look fucking great.

Thank you. Yeah, it just it took a minute. And I don't know why it took so long. It was a very weird journey to go on. Yeah. But I don't know. So wait, so you and Gregor were friends first. Yeah.

And then when did you become like exclusive? I'm mystified by this exclusive conversation that people have or don't have. So I had that in my head too. So let's see, we were friends. We made out like once or twice. And then again, I can't overstate how much I dated literally everyone around him. And so we...

Wait, before you get into that. We got to take a break. And now we're back. What a juicy break. Okay, so how did you guys become exclusive? So, okay, so I have to like, catalog. Okay. L.A. with my parents. He was in L.A. for work because he already had an agent, which was like a really big deal. Oh, wow. And we hooked up one summer and we spent like a week together constantly. He had a barbecue we made out and then we hooked up. And then I went to Amsterdam for a theater program. I love it. And just I went to Amsterdam for a theater program. I love it.

And just thinking about him the whole time. And I came back to New York to start my senior year. And we started dating kind of instantly. And then I remember going to – I was in a – this is such an NYU story. I was in a class that studied the history of South Africa. And the end of the class was going to South Africa with the class, which was a life-changing experience. And I remember being in South Africa and everyone asking me about Gregor

and me not knowing what to call him. And so I got back and I was like, so everyone was asking me what to call you in South Africa. Could I call you my boyfriend? And, you know, I was 21 and he was 27, which is actually kind of a bigger gap. He's like, yeah, I guess you're my girlfriend, right? It was just less of a big deal to him, or at least it seemed.

And so that's, I literally was like, let's have the conversation. It's like, you're my boyfriend, right? And I found out later that pretty much the moment we started dating in New York, he wasn't seeing other people. And I certainly wasn't because I was already in love with him. That's so sweet that you knew so soon. But it's because I said something. It's because I said, I feel like you're my boyfriend.

And he was like, yeah. I never know when to have that conversation. I never know when to have that conversation. I think it's very hard because I just – I never want to hear the answer I don't want to hear. You know what I mean? So I just like put it off. Look, if there's one thing I have learned, it's that openness and communication are really important. Now, I am open to a fault. I have a problem with boundaries.

There's a term anal retentive, and there's also a term anal expulsive. I am anal expulsive. I've never heard that before. I share too much. I'm too open. I let my feelings out. I need everything to be codified.

I make the subtext text, if you will. And so I was never going to let it without with us being in a nebulous space for long but i could see the fear of like if you say like i consider you my boyfriend and the guy's like what oh i've been seeing multiple people yeah because i keep reading articles that men are dating like six women at one time right which is crazy and if you've established with the other person look i'm not exclusive with anyone. It's weird when you're, though, in that nebulous space, theoretically. Yeah, I mean.

Have you run into that? Like guys who you found out he was dating? Because it's not cheating. No, it's not cheating because you haven't had that conversation yet. I recently ran into, I mentioned it on another episode, but i did run into a guy that i was seeing on a date with somebody else and like the day after our date i was like okay i mean i had just given my number to the lyft driver that he paid for still on the breath so i was like we're all in these streets like being crusty little animals but then it was just like in front of me.

So I was a little I just it felt insane. That's weird. And then we talked about it and it was fine. And we continued dating for a little bit. But yeah, it was just it was just very strange, a very strange moment to have. I think I give up dating for now. I'm so tired. i learned some interesting facts there's an article in the atlantic right now about the sex recession that people are fucking less for

whatever reason really for this is what the article is trying to figure and i learned that pre-world war ii you didn't have boyfriends. You basically casually courted. And then when you found a person you really liked, you married them. It was only post-World War II when there was a man shortage that women wanted to then, not lock down, but have more serious relationships with men before marriage. And literally teenage women coined the terms like going steady you're my boyfriend and then that's also why the teenage pregnancy rate rose because as opposed to oh i'm kind of courting i'm kind of seeing this guy he's my boyfriend we're fucking and then you get pregnant because no one told them that fucking leads to babies. And so the idea of having a boyfriend and being exclusive is a relatively new idea.

And my parents, I mean, maybe I just have old parents. My dad was born in 45. My mom was born in 53. But they never called. They didn't use the term boyfriend and girlfriend. Like apparently they didn't live with anyone before they lived with each other and then i think my mom was like kind of hooking up with someone else until the moment my father proposed really and it wasn't like cheating no just didn't talk about it yeah and then he proposed

she's like all right i guess i'm not gonna hook up with that other dude anymore which is so but it was within a year of them meeting that's wild isn't that nuts yeah like to know someone for a year and then be like mom I want to be with you forever and she's like okay I guess I'll stop fucking the other guy I think it's really interesting that it seems like women had the power when longer relationships before marriage were established and then men I like, have gathered the power now. Sure. Which they've taken it. Well, look, my father is also not an alpha, if you will.

So, I mean, I think that if we're talking about men being possessive or taking advantage of women, my father, in a good way, is not an example of someone who's going to be possessive. Although, like, there is the story of, God, they went to some singles dance earlier when they were dating. And, you know, there are these songs that are like, you can dance with anyone you want to, but don't forget who's taking you home and whose arms you're going to be, which is crazy to me that you would dance with anyone who isn't the person who brought you to a dance. But apparently people used to do that. And someone offered my mom a ride home.

My dad stepped in and went, she has a ride. That's like the one alpha macho story I've heard. That's like at the end of Back to the Future when Lorraine is dancing with Marty's dad and then that guy cuts in and then he like pushes him and he's like, she's mine. So your dad is Marty McFly's dad. That then that guy cuts in, and then he, like, pushes him, and he's like, she's mine. Yeah. So your dad is Marty McFly's dad. That makes a lot of sense.

I was going to compare when you said that you were raised by a dad who your mom died and didn't understand teenagers. That's just like the movie Casper. Mmm. It is like Casper. Well, Pullman doesn't know what to do with Christina Ricci. So then he moved her into a haunted house. And then Casper kissed her.

Mm-hmm. She got kissed by a ghost. That's got to be weird to be sexually attracted to. You've seen Casper, right? Oh, yes. Okay. That's got to be weird to be, like, sexually into. You're into this, like, fellow 13-year-old boy who becomes real for a night, and then

he turns back into a cartoon ghost. Mm-hmm. Do you then have a romantic relationship with a cartoon ghost? I don't think you can. But I mentioned this on the podcast earlier. There is a woman who married a ghost.

She married a spirit. She said he proposed. He did not get on a knee because he doesn't have knees. Right. She said that? Yes. And that made me laugh

very hard. That's great. But then I think she says they have sex and I'm like, but if you don't have knees, you don't have a dick. Well, what is she talking about is she talking about like like in her where it's all like kind of um you know it's basically phone sex oh maybe that's what it is maybe she's like diddling herself and pretending it's gotta be pretending but like i don't know

like i just i was like this poor woman Maybe I should start dating a ghost. What ghost would you want to date? I think I'd like to date a ghost who, I mean, he's not real, but I think, what's his name from Titanic? Wait, I asked you to choose a ghost, and then you still chose a fictional character. I literally said choose between any dead person in the history of humanity. And you're like, you know what? Billy Zane from Titanic? Yeah. You're not even choosing Jack?

You're choosing Billy fucking, you're choosing the bad guy in Titanic? But he's not bad. All he wants is. You're defending Cal? Cal just wants to shower Rose with money and presents. And he's bringing her on a great big ship. And then she cheats on him with Jack. It's true.

You know? And then of course he gets upset about it. They're like on a sinking ship. Yama shoot Jack. He fucked my girl. I don't think Cal, I think Cal has been misrepresented as a villain. Should you try to just date Billy Zane?

I saw him recently. He was a little puffy. So, yeah, I should go for it. I like how we're talking about, in these conversations about the male gaze, you're just like, whatever, Billy Zane's puffy. Billy Zane's puffy. Well, I mean, if we can shit on women's bodies, I'm going to shit all over dudes. Yeah. Okay, a ghost, a real ghost.

So if Cal were a real person, so maybe what you want is like another guy from the Titanic. Yeah, like a uppity man who was on the Titanic with a great head of hair and still has as a ghost. But let's see. Who's a dead person I'd like to date i guess heath ledger he's very attractive oh yeah i would let the ghost of heath ledger fuck me he's very moot okay you'd let him fuck you but but he's very moody like i mean especially when he died he was in a very bad yes mental state

so if he came back as kind of a depressed ghost. But maybe he went to ghost therapy. Well, that's an Adult Swim 15 minute if I ever heard it. Okay, let me write it down and I'm going to pitch it tomorrow. Okay, make sure you're a man because that's what they buy. I mean, you're not telling a lie. I am not telling a lie. I don't even know what. I don't know what's on Adult Swim besides Robot Chicken and Rick and Morty. You wrote for Robot Chicken.

I did and they're lovely. They're great. I just still think of the head of Adult Swim, who I've met, saying women aren't funny and they only bring drama to a writer's room. Oh, dear. Oh, so that's why he didn't buy the show that I pitched him, maybe. Interesting. Life gets to be so exhausting. Oh.

Just so exhausting. Here's so exhausting. Oh. Just so exhausting. Here's a question. Yeah. How do you keep it spicy after 10 years? Well, so here's the thing. I have no boundaries. I would tell you everything. I'm trying to think of what Gregor would be okay with me telling you.

Okay. I think, you know, and I think it's an ongoing conversation of what, because you're asking a lot from a monogamous relationship. You're asking for the perfect roommate, the perfect emotional support system, the perfect dog parent, co-dog parent, the perfect, like, life partner, and then a sexual partner. like um life partner and then the and then a sexual partner and often the things that we want sexually are very not in tune with like oh i really respect you and and you're such a good parent to my dog you know and so i think it's like okay well what are the gaps in our like very respectful relationship that i want to then like bring that dynamic into the the bedroom it's about talking about it and communicating and when it comes to try new

things sometimes I'm still and I'll try anything and I'll try new things but I do still a little bit because I don't want to look silly that's my biggest fear is I don't want to look silly and I'll say that um my husband and I because we both come from sketch and improv, we still haven't done any like role playing because I think we're just worried we'll go into like yes and mode, you know, like I just can't I can't picture a world where it's like, oh, you've been you were oh, you got this bad grade on your test. Well, I'm sorry. I've I've been having problems at home. OK, well, let's talk about that. Let's talk about your problems. Yeah, like it's just hard to,

because good role-playing is just bad improv. Correct. And I think, I don't think I'd get into role-playing at all specifically because my job is to role-play. Exactly. So it'd be so weird like in a bedroom to put on like a Raggedy Ann wig

and be like, I'm a doll doll do you want to fuck a doll there's also a level of of of being unselfaware that you have to have look that you have to have in sex in general sex is ridiculous but with the roleplaying idea i mean it's what you said i'm a doll'm a doll. Do you want me to just lay here? I'm a doll who came to life. Put your dick in my doll mouth. Uh-oh, it doesn't open. Oh, my hands don't bend. So, like, then you're just, like, so, like, you're just doing an improv because you're if, then, what else-ing the doll.

But the real way to do it is, like, okay, I'm trying to imagine if I actually needed to be a sexy doll. You'd be like, hi, I came to life in just a second. That's bad improv. Really, you came to life? Where'd you live? Any time it's like, I lived in a little girl's bedroom, but then I was masturbating

at night in a little girl's bedroom. Every time you elaborate on a backstory, it makes it less sexy. Yeah, because it's like a doctor patient thing to me is not inherently sexy because it's like oh i gotta check you out yeah because i'm sick like that's not sexy to me than like a teacher student can you check out the cyst on my arm stupid like it's like none of these role-playing things are sexy to me the only thing that seems sexy is like like a furry like you know those people who yeah dress up like monsters or whatever be like i'm a monster and i'ma suck your dick like great okay there's nothing weird about that it's like complete because it's complete escapism if you're in a cat suit and you're just

like meow would you like to come play with me like uh-huh it's not youcapism if you're in a cat suit and you're just like would you like to come play with me like it's not you're not playing a version of of your of yourself or a character you're just playing a completely different thing that's apparently the second the second top search term on porn hub last year was um manga or hentai porn interesting people love fucking like aliens or animals or like tits the size of footballs i got tricked into watching like a family guy porn once it was just like a naked family guy thing and i was like on porn hub you see those like one in five times i watch porn there's like a lois griffin getting fucked from behind i'm like jesus christ and it's it's disturbing because i'm like why who wanted this

whoever watched family guy and was like gotta see these people naked people really want to see quagmire fuck lois is the sense i've gotten from the ads it's so fucking weird and then sometimes they'll be like aladdin and jasmine fucking i'm like but the disney shit is is amazing I once saw like just a still of erotic fan art of the genie having like a giant blue dick up Aladdin's ass and it literally was like coming out his throat

Oh no he was murdering Aladdin No I'm not I'm super actually you know what the weird thing is this kind of fucked up so I was an only child. I had a really active imagination and I had a lot of imaginary friends. And around the time I was in third grade, I started to really imagine that I was in a relationship with Bonkers D. Bobcat from the Disney weekday afternoon show Bonkers. I've never seen this well he's an animated Bobcat and I literally

like I would like be in my bed and like pretend a pillow was him and like pretend to have sex with him really I used to kiss my wall your wall I would make out hardcore with my wall a spot or just any wall any wall any wall in my room.

I'd be like, hi, Keith. I had a crush on a boy named Keith in elementary school. I'd be like, hi, Keith, how are you? And he'd be like, fine. Because I would do his voice. You'd do his voice? And I'd be like, Keith, can I kiss you? And he'd be like, yeah, of course.

And then I'd just gently kiss a wall. Like, do you think you were good? Was it any tongue or was it like just uh i think it was just like just kisses with no tongue because i didn't realize tongues were involved until someone kissed me with a tongue oh that's a crazy moment yeah i remember the first time a tongue was wild it's nuts yeah i was like oh this is what okay and i have a tiny tongue so really yeah it's really short that seems off brand oh you have a tiny little tongue i think i have very very short i actually have kind of a big tongue yeah you have a good tongue i have a good tongue yeah mine's very tiny so like but yeah

you're really good at giving head i'm very good at it because there's a whole technique so you have to grip it sure harder than you think right because think. Right. Because if it's loose, then it's like, well, what's the point of even gripping it? And then the head has the most sense, sensory shit in it. So, you know, flick that, like, when you're coming up, wiggle your tongue around and then wiggle it around on the top and then spit on it a little bit. They love spit. Here's my question about the gripping. Because you want it, like, you want it to be it to be loose so that you can slide up and down.

Okay, here's the thing. If a guy is circumcised, it's not as much a thing of just grabbing the dick and moving the skin. If a guy has a foreskin, then you can grab the dick and move. Then there's a point to that motion. But otherwise, you kind of have to like... You have to twist your hand. You have to twist it. You end up doing the twisting thing

And then you gotta play with those balls Sometimes you play with that little taint And then they go oh Oh boy Okay because I'm interested in your cross section How open are guys to doing Butthole stuff I will stick a little pinky

Near there and if they Don't see If a hand gets pushed away, I go, okay, no butt stuff for you. But if they seem to enjoy it, then I'm like, okay, let's keep going. Okay, logistical question. You have beautiful long nails. Yes. Does that hurt? No one has ever said it hurts.

But I don't really insert into butts when i have nails because i don't know how clean you are unless we've been out a couple times and i'm like okay you're a clean butthole so i'll use the back of my finger to rub their taint to rub their taint yes so you're not like a little bit of the butthole like a little knuckle in the butt sure so you're very rarely like going up in it yeah Yeah. I'm not going up in there unless we have a history and have had sex numerous times. Sure. And

before we begin, he's like, I'm game for that if you're game for that. And I'm like, great. That means you washed your butt. Right. Because you've got to wash that ass. If I'm going to eat your ass, you've got to wash it like an apple. A thousand percent. You've got to wash an apple before you eat it most people don't you need to they spray them with shit i agree but it doesn't get the stuff i mean the guys i know the gay guys i know or the guys the

guys i know who sleep with men because some of them are are bi of course uh there's a whole system oh yeah you gotta do there's a there's a whole enema thing. Or enema, yes. Straight guys aren't doing that shit. No, they're not. We have a Japanese toilet. That's nice. So we do have like a jet option. Well, then that means Gregor's butt's ready for it.

I mean. There, he's not here to defend himself. He's not here to defend himself. I mean, when you're with someone for 10 years, you just, I know every, I know every crevice of that man's body. I want that. I truly. It's fascinating.

It's really interesting to know. I know where all his scars are. Like there's a spot on his head where he got stitches numerous times from jumping on the bed when he was a kid. Like the same bed, same time. So that story, too many monkeys jumping on a bed, was literally for him? Literally, and he paid no mind. And so there's a spot

on the back of his head where I'll be like, oh, there's your bed bump. I can feel the little scars, and it's like that all over his body. I just... I would love to be in a relationship and I don't know why I'm not. Rachel? I don't know why you're not here's here's the thing is like i think the people who are in long-term relationships who try to give a

lot of advice it's kind of bullshit because i think a lot of it's luck and time and place like i never thought i'd be the person to be with a dude for 10 years since my early 20s it just kind of i don't know it was weird and happened. And like we just kept doing it. And I blinked. And it's like 10 years later. And I don't know why. Well, you're lucky. Here's a question.

Would you date me? Oh, my God. Yes. Oh, what a dream. I think you'd be a great girlfriend. Oh, what a treat. Thank you so much. I mean, like who would say no?

Oh, you'd be surprised. A lot of people. Well, sure. A lot of people have said, no, thank you. Have you ever, have you dipped into the comedy community at all? Um, yes. And dipped out, because I can't. Can't do it. It was like walking to a room

being like, I fucked five of these people. This is not fun anymore. And then, I feel like a lot of comedy dudes bring a lot of baggage, especially the older ones who are still single. Oh, yeah. So I've been trying to do the apps and asking friends to hook me up with their friends. And it's going, I would say, poorly.

Okay. If I were to put a word to it, bad even. Not fun. Terrible. poorly okay if i were to like put a word to it sure bad even not fun terrible is there any interest you have that maybe you could be like that's why i was like oh are you into harry potter is there any interest that you have that maybe you haven't plumbed the depths of because you know there are always all these sites where you can meet people are you like weirdly into you're wearing a looney tune shirt are you I guess you don't really want to date guys who are like I'm so excited I love fucking Looney Tunes man Tweety's hot uh I mean I don't know I don't want like a super fan of anything like people who love Disney I think are crazy uh do you love Disney I mean yeah people love Disney and I don't get it. It's a little dirty rat wearing club. So here's the thing is I'm not really hugely into Mickey.

I grew up with a year long past at Disneyland and I just renewed my past. So I love specifically Disneyland and I love Disney musicals. But the Mickey stuff, I'm not like a big Mickey fan. Mickey's weird for me. I like the movies. Lion King. I'm going to go see the live action one, even though it's not live action.

I think those are CGI'd. A thousand percent is, and it's shot for shot. Well, there's a whole thing talking about... Oh, wait, shot for shot, really? I mean, no. I mean, but there's a whole thing talking about that animators don't have a proper union, and so a lot of the work done in the original

is now being used for the remake and they're not getting any credit or money. That fucking sucks. Yeah, I know. Hey, Rachel. Yeah.

We've come to the end. Wow, that went by so quickly. It did. Do you have anything you want to promote? I watch Craziest Girlfriend. It's on Fridays at 9 on the CW

and soon to be on Netflix. We're on our last season. Yeah. Well, not yay for your last season. No, no, I'm happy. Four seasons? Yeah, we only ever wanted to do four.

It was by choice. Oh, what a fucking dream. It was, the odds of this happening are so slim. It's, I'm really happy that I'm living on the planet

because like, there's this theory that there are infinite planets and like there are a bunch of us living different lives on different planets. I'm really happy, happy, I'm really happy that there are infinite planets and, like, there are a bunch of us living different lives on different planets. I'm really happy that I get to live in the planet where this happened. Oh.

Well, I'm sure you'll have many more shows after this or you'll be producing or whatever. Because, truly, it's a great show. If you haven't watched an episode, honestly, you should watch it from the pilot to this season. It's so fucking funny. and you're great on it. Thank you. And truly, there's very few musical TV shows. I think you're the only one right now. We keep being the only one to survive the gauntlet of television.

Because there was Glee, but then Glee had to go. Well, and they did covers. Yes, bitch! Shades Glee! Okay. And Date Nicole, guys. had to go well and they did covers so yes bitch okay and date nicole guys yes somebody date me please do you ever get people reaching out from this podcast being like i'll date you yes uh yes but usually they open up with something like uh i know you don't want to date a dude with dreams i have no money i have a tiny dick do you want to go out and i'm like you put everything bad first so you don't want a day to do with dreams no i kind of want him to be living his dream i want him to be happy i don't want to date someone as they try to find themselves so you want someone with some money

i mean their own money like yeah i want to be able to go on a vacation with you. If you want a fucking man. Yes, I would like a man. Yep. And if you like this podcast, you can subscribe, follow it on iTunes and shit. If you leave me a review or slide into my DMs, if it's fun, I'll read it. This man who has a weird toupee in his profile picture and a strange mustache said, if things don't work out, would you be my date to a Weird Al concert in Denver, Colorado, August 1st next year? I have a VIP ticket if it does work out. Think about it. What a treat of a message.

Wait, that's actually pretty great. But here's the question. Does he only have one ticket? Am I going alone or with him he's just being nice he's like i just want to send you to a weird out concert oh i don't oh i'm i am married with six children i just really like you as a person with you if things don't work out so it's like if you're not doing anything yeah but it's a very weird message uh sir i think you should do that please clarify maybe I will who knows record an episode

maybe I'll find love with this man actually love at a Weird Al concert is not a bad idea no it's not because then it would be like a fun weirdo who's there alright

that's it for this episode thank you Rachel Blue thanks for having me this has been a team coco production