Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Rolling Blunts for a Money Launderer (w/ Brooke Candy)

Episode Date: January 23, 2026

Rapper and songwriter Brooke Candy (host of Unwrapped) joins Nicole to discuss meeting her future husband in a desert shack and moving in with him after only a week. She shares the time her wig fell off mid-hookup, what made her go from open relationships to a monogamous one, and relationship texting styles.Brooke relives her jobs in the HUSTLER office, working as a stripper, and being a blunt-roller for a money laundering front. Plus, Nicole shares her theory on why she is murder-proof.Check out her podcast Unwrapped, with Nicole Byer.Watch this episode on our YouTube channel at https://www.youtube.com/@WhyWontYouDateMePodcastSupport this podcast and get discounts by checking out our sponsors:» Planned Parenthood: Donate to support Planned Parenthood now at plannedparenthood.org/defend.» Warby Parker: Our listeners get 15% off plus free shipping when they buy two or more pairs of prescription glasses at WarbyParker.com/DATEME — using our link helps support the show. #WarbyParker #adventure » Jones: Ready to quit for good? Go to quitwithjones.com/DATEME to start your personalized quitting journey and get 15% off with code DATEME.Squarespace: Head to squarespace.com/DATEME to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code DATEME.Follow:All Links: linktr.ee/whywontyoudatemeTour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenYouTube: @WhyWontYouDateMePodcastTikTok: @whywontyoudatemepod Instagram: @nicolebyerX: @nicolebyerNicole's book, #VERYFAT #VERYBRAVE: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746This is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Why Won't You Date Me? via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Prices and participation may vary. Prices may be higher in Hawaii, Alaska, and California, and for delivery. We were hooking up. Uh-huh. And I had performed that night. So I had a wig, full glam. It was like very, the outfit, everything was very weird, though.

It wasn't like sexy hot glam. It was like freaky. Freaky and bizarre. I love that. Freaky and bizarre, to say the least. And we got into the shower. And as we were getting the shower, he was standing where the water was. And I was giving him a blow job.

And I'm trying to make sure that I don't get in, because I know once that water hits the hair, it's falling off. And it wasn't like a lace front that's glued on. It was basically plopped on your head. Okay. And so as I'm like, it didn't work, I'm like going at it and then it just fell. And then he just sees, because it was like long black hair and I think he thought it was my hair. And then he just like sees it.

And then he's like, it's fine. And I'm like, I just left it there and I just kept going. Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Boy! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me. A podcast from me, Nicole Byer, was trying to figure out why I was so single, even though you could come on my doorstep and tell me it's snow.

My guest today is a rapper, singer and song... And songwriter! Reading's hard! She has a new podcast called Unwrapped, which is out now, and I was lucky enough to be a guest on the first one. episode. I didn't realize it was the first episode. You could watch that on YouTube or listen to it on all streaming platforms. I'm so excited for Brooke Candy. Brooke Candy.

Brooke Candy. Brooke candy. Hi, Brooke. Hey, I like song. Because that's how I feel. I am that. Sometimes reading is so hard. Reading is fundamental. It is. I almost wore a shirt that said reading is fundamental. It had a little raccoon on it. Or maybe it said books are good. I don't remember.

I know there's a raccoon and I know it said something about like reading. Yay. I love to read. What are you reading right now? Oh, reading bitches. Reading bitches. I got it. I'm on board.

How did you meet your husband? We met in the desert. He was tattooing out of. of a shack in the desert. This is really very, very... I hit him up. He had no pictures of himself on his Instagram, but I liked his tattoos. I said, where can I meet you to get a tattoo?

He said, I'll be in Joshua Tree. I met him. He was literally in a shack. And I went inside the shack, and there was a dove flying around the room and just pictures of angels. And then he tattooed angels on me, and I had never had angels on me before. And then I left, and I was like, I'm going to marry you. him. But he didn't know yet, but I knew. And then you married. And then we got married.

That's really, really sweet. Was he alone in this shack? He was with his friend Andy. He was helping, who was, there was like a RV in the back where Andy was. And then he was in this shack alone, like the front shack. They were building. You have to know how crazy that sounds. Does that sound crazy? Yes, that your future husband was like, meet me in this shack. I used to do some of the weirdest craziest, like, I just wouldn't meet someone and I would just like, yeah, like drive or fly out without ever meeting them one on one or having a conversation on the phone and then just like go hang out or like it was just I was comfortable in that space. I don't know. I think it was a lot of delusion. I felt safe, which is crazy. I don't think it's crazy. A little wild, but I also

growing up felt safer than maybe I should have. I would hitchhike in New York. Like, if somebody cat called me, I'd go, where are you going? And they'd be like, if they were like uptown, I'd be like, take me with you. That's fucking crazy. I know. And my old roommate, Jen, I remember one time we did it. And we were in the backseat. They were driving kind of crazy. And she was like, How do you know these people? And I go, I don't. And then the way she gripped my knee, I was like, why is she so scared? And now at the ripe old age of 77, I was like, she, she should have been scared.

I should have been scared. Could have been Ted Bundy. Could have been. But I don't know. I've always been fat. I don't think I'm going to get murdered. That's hard. Girl, you're hot.

Oh, I didn't say I wasn't hot. I don't think the two are mutually exclusive, but I do think I'm, I heard this somewhere. I'm not like murderable. I'm not at a murder weight. You got to cut me up. That's not a thing. Yes, it is. You got to cut me up?

There's more of me. You got to drag me somewhere? There's more of me. Think about it. If you're going to murder, you're going for a tiny person. Because it's less work. Murdering is like, okay, it's going to weigh on your conscience. But now I got to do a workout.

I got to drag. I got to use my core to drag a big bitch over here. I got to use my legs to lift her and push her down the river. Down the river. I just, I don't think it's going to happen. Too much work. So you're saying, well, one, I think generally hot women get stalked. Yes.

And then that leads to a lot of murders. Yes. But you're also saying, I said that. But you're saying to me, I'm a number one. Like, I'm going to potentially get murdered. Well, I think if somebody watching this right now was to choose between the two of us, they would choose you. I personally would choose you. Oh.

You're easier. The rank of murder in this room is you, Mars, than me. But have you seen these? Your little fists? Your teeny tiny little kiss With my keys in between my mom always said Brooke when you're walking home at night Put one key in between each knuckle

Just in case I'm like mom if I punch them And the keys are just going to bend Like that's not going to hurt anyone Just like if I try to use a knife They're just going to go like Okay thank you and then stab me If I try to use a gun They're going to pull it, shoot me

I'm a no weapon You're right I'm probably going to get murdered By a serial killer I don't think you're going to get murdered I'm just saying If someone was thinking about who to murder in this room.

I think you're number one. Oh, well, at least I'm number one at something. We all have to be number one at something. So wait, how long were you friends before you started dating? How did you start dating from meeting in a shack? I would say a year later, because I just kept getting tattoos, and it was very just like we'd hang out sometimes like go get luncher. It was very platonic.

And then we hung out in Japan. And then we had a wild night in Japan. And this is where my... Again, you have to know how crazy this sound. What do you mean you just hung out in Japan? Japan is a very long flight. How does one just end up hanging out in Japan with a friend? Did you go together?

I was performing. And then I went to go get a tattoo from him. And we had already been hanging out. I was feeling these flirtatious vibes. Like I really was. And then I was like, oh, I'm going to Japan. And so when I get back, you know, and he's like, oh, that's funny. I'm also going to Japan.

And I was like, are you following me? And he was like, no, like the tickets were really cheap. Like, I have nothing. And then he was there. So I had a show and I invited him. And then we got so waste. I've never had this much alcohol in my life. Literally, I had 35 shots and I was never drunk.

Something about the energy in Japan. You just don't get drunk. Oh. It's crazy. I was, and here in L.A., one shot, I'm asleep. I can't. I can't. I start saying weird stuff and everyone's like, you gotta go. But then remember how I told you that my wig fell off? Yes. When you said about your story about your, so this is the shot. Can I tell the story? Yes. Okay. It's X-rated. But it's okay. We were hooking up. Uh-huh. And I had performed that night. So I had a wig, full glam. It was like very, the outfit, everything was very weird, though. It wasn't like sexy hot glam. It was like freaky. Freaky and bizarre.

I love that. Freaky and bizarre to say the least. And we got into the shower. And as we were getting the shower, he was standing where the water was. And I was, this is like so graphic. I was giving him a blow job. That's okay. It's natural.

That's what people do. Okay. So you're giving him a blowjob. So I'm giving him a blowjob. And I'm trying to make sure that I'm. I don't get in, because I know once that water hits the hair, it's falling off. And it wasn't, it wasn't like a lace front that's glued on. It was basically plopped on your head.

Okay. And so as I'm like, it didn't work. I'm like going at it and then it just fell. And then he just sees, because it was like long black hair and I think he thought it was my hair. And then he just like sees it. And then he's like, it's fine. And I'm like, I'm like. And I just left it there and I just kept going.

It had my moves. I'm like, what was your hair like underneath? Was it braid it down? Were you wearing a wig cap? Really? I was wearing, I want to say I was wearing a wig cap, but it was really short. It was like, it was almost like little drummer boy hair. It was like a bowl cut.

So it went from, it was black hair, like to hear kind of the makeup wasn't sexy, but the hair is sexy. Uh-huh. From that to like little drummer boy. You know, he was down So I was like, okay, fine, let's do this I mean, we got that out of the way Best to get that out of the way the first time And then you never have to worry

Love just blossomed from there Then love blossomed Then I told him that trip Because I'm a crazy person that I loved him And I cried Wait, okay So you've been like hooking up He laughed

You're friends you're not officially dating or are not officially dating not officially dating and then you were like I love you yeah okay somebody said this years and years ago that I truly believe it's like you can't say the wrong thing to the right person because had you said that so sweet isn't that nice because had you said that to the like the wrong person it wouldn't have been the right wait what is it you can't say the wrong thing to the right person yeah so it was the wrong person they could have been like that's crazy yeah but you said it it to the right person. He was like, what do he do? He laughed. Okay, so this is so bizarre. So we spent,

after that, we spent like five days together and then we were out shopping. This is so weird. So I said it. I was like, I think I love you and I'm just going to miss you so much. And I start crying. And he laughed because he didn't, because he was surprised. And then he got up. And I was like, oh my God, is he leaving? And he went into the store and then he stole a keychain. And then he brought it out and he was like here and gave me a keychain and I was like did you just steal that he was like mm and I was like is that him like telling me he loves me I guess do you still have the keychain no you're like it didn't actually mean a thing he chained didn't mean the keychain and I said great I'll throw it right away it was the weirdest like 20 minutes like I just really let it all

out. He stole something from a store in Japan. We both made interesting decisions. And yeah. But we're still together six years, almost seven years later. So it means something good happened. And then when you both got back here, is that when you officially started dating? Then we came back to L.A. and then we started dating. We started living together. But we were kind of like nomadic. So we kind of were like, we didn't have a spot. And so we both had moved from our places. And so we lived like in an Airbnb, Airbnb, Airbnb, Airbnb, and then we moved to New York. And then I lived in New York for like four years with him. And then moved back here.

How long were you dating before you moved in together? Right way. Literally. That, I mean, yeah. That's like one week. Or there was one week that went by between me saying, I love you, and then him stealing the keychain to then us living together. Now, do people in your life are they like, that's crazy. You're moving too fast. They were like, oh, my God, he really loves her.

I like that. Someone loves her. Someone loves her. Oh, my God, somebody loves her. So you are pansexual. And you used to be open. Oh, yeah. But now you're in a monogamous relationship. Yeah. Was it just because you were like, oh, I just want to be with this person? Or was he like, I only do monogamous relationships? I've asked a couple times, but it's actually been like when we're fighting. That's when I'll be like, what do you think about opening this up? But it's not really. Like, I think like if we opened it up, I would be the more jealous one. Like truly, even if it was my idea, I would regret it immediately because I would, I have a crazy imagination.

It would be running and run. What are they doing? But I think with him, we just like became so domesticated, so fast. And it felt like just this soulmate energy. And I felt like I met my soulmate. And but before that, I dated everything, like every, I was open to a dated women. I've dated, I've dated men, women. Just I was open.

And I've settled down a few other times, but they were never like, it wasn't like a. It wasn't right. It wasn't a lifelong partner. I don't think I could be open. I just, because I think relationships are work. I don't think it's like bad work and I'm not like, you know, shitting on it. But like they are work. You have to communicate.

You have to listen. You have to like adapt. Maybe change like something that you do that isn't the best. I can't imagine doing that with multiple people. Oh my God. No. Checking in with three other people. Every fucking.

Oh my God. No. The thought exhausts me. Are you a, when you text, what's your texting style? My texting style is relentless. Text after text. Is it? Kind of sometimes.

Same. Yes. Sometimes. And then sometimes I'll text paragraphs. And I've stopped doing that. The nice man in my life was like, hey, what if you like, just call me and let me know all the things that you want to say. And I was like, call you. and have a dialogue.

And he was like, and I'm saying he can't write it down. He's like, you could write it down. So you like have something to go off of. But like, what if I didn't have to scroll to like read your thoughts? What if you just told me? And I was like, oh, that's crazy. But now I do like it.

You like the call. I do like that. Because I don't, because you know how sometimes you're like texting a paragraph of your thoughts? And then you like get lost in it. Then you start making up stuff. You're like, well, I think that all. And it's like, no. I do line by line, which looks even crazy.

So it's so funny. You can send a paragraph, but if it's line by line the same width and height, it looks crazier. For some reason, it does. And I do that line by line. Because I do like literal thought by thought. So I like the one, as it enters my brain, I'm typing it, typing it. But it's so normal to me. And when people do it back to me, I'm like, oh, I'm so relieved.

I'm not the only. only one, but there are so many people, including my husband, who hate it. Yes. He just actually won't respond. So I just have full conversations with myself. I looked at our text message. It's like, 200, when are you going to be home? 200.

Are you hungry? 200. I'll be back in five. It's like, ugh. Does that frustrate you? Oh, God. I want to do thousands of texts. I love it.

Yeah. The nice man is. When we first started dating, I was like, so do you like, how do you communicate? Do you not like texting? And he was like, no, texting is fine, but I'm more like, L-O-L, that's crazy. Wow. Where did you guys mean? Unhinged.

Oh, yeah, you tell me, tell me. Mm-hmm. My God. And it is funny because he has been in like the peripherals, peripherals. Peripherals? Peripheral. Peripher. He's been here.

Uh, because he's friends with my old room. friend. Like they grew up together and then his sister knew a couple people that like I knew. And yeah, he's just like been around, but like we had never met. Yeah. And it was just funny because I was like, you've, you've been so close. Like if one of our friends had any thoughts, they could have like put it, like set us up. Yeah. Which is strange. You know, where were the friends at? Kind of. Like, hook me up. Years.

I was like begging friends to be like, hey, if you know of anybody set me up with, you know, them. And nobody ever did it. I had to go on hinge to find him my fucking self. It was funny. Last night, I was like, how long did it take you between us matching and you actually messaging me? And he was like, it was very quick. I messaged you. And we met like a week later.

And I was like, that's not what I'm asking. I'm asking how long it took from when we matched to when you messaged me. And he was like, Nicole, it was hinge. I had to message you when I liked you. I liked one of your pictures and message you. And I was like, oh, I am sorry. I'm being insistent and belligerent for no reason. My life as well.

My life is well. My God, I feel like my life, it's just like you said, it's work. And it's like 5% work, 95% debate team, which is also work. Yes. And I'm like, my husband is the debate team captain. I'm like, thank you professor for teaching me something that isn't even true or right. And we can have different, like, he, I feel he doesn't think that we can have, like, different mindsets. Oh.

And, like, and, like, and, like, he's like, well, we don't like the same things. And, you know, we don't. And it's like, you're not going to like this movie. And it's like, but I might. I mean, it's fine to be in a relationship and then each do your own thing, have, you know, different thoughts on things. Like, we don't have to debate everything. Mm-hmm. You know, do you do that?

We typically like mostly the same things, but just for different reasons. Yeah. Like, he showed me Venom, the third Venom movie, and I had never seen any of the Venoms. I was like, okay, they're really fun. What is it? First Venom, okay, so Sony was doing, I talk about this so much, Sony was doing their own Marvel things because they owned Spider-Man. Yeah.

So they were doing Spider-Man movies and then they were like, we'll do Spider-Man villain movies. So Venom is a Spider-Man villain, but the movies, he's kind of a hero. And they, the villain movies never really have a villain turn. It's really, it's weird. But the first movie, it's about friendship. And I love friendship. And he was like, I liked it because it was like an action movie,

but you like things and you just see different things. So I like rewatching things with you. And we're watching The Sopranos right now. And I'm a Tony Soprano apologist. He's a bad man. He is, but I feel, God, it's just so hard to be in an Italian mafia family. And it's like, when you're the boss and he's trying, he's going to therapy. He is.

And everyone keeps doing exactly what he says not to do. Listen, imagine how stressed he is. I know. The stress of living a double life. And that's what I keep saying to the nice man. And he keeps being like, Nicole, he kills people. And I'm like, yeah, but his children are so selfish. And they want so much.

But he, the crimes pay for their life. And I'm like, Carmela's complaining all the crime pays for her life. She won't get off his back. I mean, oh my God. Have you gone through the whole? Not the whole thing. Oh, my God. We just started season four.

Okay. Oh, my God. And it's funny because the nice man in my life is like, he's like, the beginning's pretty funny, but it gets really intense and heavy. We're in season four. I'm still ha-ha. I'm still having a nice time.

How many seasons? That's a good question. Who knows? It feels like infinite with the sopranos. I don't know. But towards the end? Mars do you mind? Really?

That's what people keep saying, but I've been like. I've been having a nice time. There's six seasons. Oh. Oh my God. So I only have. So we just started at four.

So four or five. I don't know why I had to count on my fingers. It's, I have three seasons left of the show. My God. Sometimes I'm like, am I dumb? Wait, Brooke. We have to take a break. You know I love a messy story on this podcast and I live for the drama of dating.

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for those who are 18 and older. Support for this podcast is brought to you by Warby Parker. You guys, why is it such a nightmare to buy glasses? Used to walk into a store, everything was locked in a glass case, and most of these glasses cost a small loan. My God. Well, let me tell you, Warby Parker has completely changed the game for eyeglasses. I was on their site recently using the virtual try-on,

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free shipping when they buy two or more pairs of prescription glasses at Warbyparker.com slash date me. That's 15% off when you buy two pairs of eyeglasses at W-A-R-B-Y Parker.com slash date me. After you purchase, they'll ask where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them our show sent you. This is wild to me. So you worked for Larry Flint? No, my dad. Your dad did. Yeah. But you were employed as a mannequin stylist for the hustler storefront.

Yeah. So technically you worked for him. I did work for him. And he's in one of my music videos. Oh, really? I'm hogtied on his desk in his office on Wilshire Boulevard, literally in bondage with like these crazy, you know those shoes that point and you can't walk in them? And I'm wearing those. And I'm just fully hogtied.

And he literally, I'm not kidding, is asleep. He's in his wheelchair behind me. Eyes closed. And I'm Hogdead singing my song in slow motion. It's so dramatic. I have these girls next to him. One's holding the wheelchair. She's like has her boobs out with little pasties on.

Like it's so, it was meant to look so cinematic and dramatic. And then he's like, you know. He just doesn't stay awake. How old was he? It was like he died, I want to say maybe less than a year later. Oof. Yeah. He was like, I just need to rest.

you're like, you're going to work. Get up and work. I'm not sure he even knew that it was going to happen. Oh, no. And the weirdest thing ever. My dad was there that day. And he didn't work there anymore, but he was there. He would go in and out sometimes, I think.

They have, like, multiple offices. And I was, like, getting ready, surrounded by, like, all these gay men and drag queens. And we were, like, being so loud and obnoxious and crazy. And, you know, I looked insane. My dad had never really seen me as that character. He's never been to one of my shows. I try to keep it separate. It's too vulgar.

It's way too crass for them. I want to keep it. Like, I love my dad and I don't want to like. Have you had that conversation with him? Like, does he know why he's not invited to shows? He, I, I've invited him. He's let me know that it's too much. And I'm like, okay, good, got it.

And then I'm like, from now on, I will keep it separate. and then, but then he walked in, and I was like in this crazy outfit. I might have even been changing, and he was like, oh, oh, and he was in a suit, and I was like, oh, everyone, this is my dad. It was so weird, and everyone, and oh, my God, it was the most motley crew of people that were with me that it was just insanity. We're all covered in glitter, and they're like, hi, Mr. Candy, and he's like, hi, hi, hi, hi. And he just left and walked away.

But I honestly don't think that Larry knew I was coming. I think they literally woke him up and they were like, oh, Brooks coming to film. And he's like, what? And then they just rolled him over and then sat him behind him. He sat him right there. And then he went right back to sleep. He was like, you know. He didn't have to do.

She was so rich and just like he was over it. He ran for president. He ran for president? He ran for president in the 80s. He's a hardcore liberal. He wants prostitution to be legal. He loves like gay. He was like all he was like a liberal like he was big into just I think he donated a lot to like Bill Clinton's presidency.

He was very much like a Democrat. Yeah, which is odd because normally people that are worth half a billion dollars are Republican fascists. Pieces of shit. But he was in that way. I always thought that was commendable. Did he make it to a primary? Probably not. I probably remember that.

No. No, no. I was like, I wonder Bernie made it further. I think he was, I don't think he made it to a primary, but he might have made it to a few debates. Did you hear my stomach just growled? Did you hear it? Okay, thank God. No, I didn't hear it. I heard it and I was like, that sounded crazy. So did you grow up in the hustler offices? Did you like grow up going there? Oh, going there? Yeah. But I guess it's just an office, so it's not like there'd be like, tidies out. Oh, it was weird. Oh, it was weird? It was weird.

Like, not, it's just not normal. Like, my dad's like, oh, what am I going to do with you? I have to work. So, Liz, who was Larry's wife, can you take her? And then Liz would be come up to Larry's penthouse. So I'd go up to this penthouse and I'd be, like, sitting on his, like, cow. And it was all gold. It was very, like, actually very Donald Trump as well.

Like, they all have the same, like, really gaudy, like, just, like, new money style. But also, he grew up in, like, the backwoods. So it makes sense that, like, his idea of, like, ultra-rich would be, like, all gold. Yeah. Like, it makes sense. And, but I would be, like, sitting on the couch, eating ice cream, watching cartoons. And then, like, he would come in and then, I was, hi, bro, how are you? Or, like, Liz would come check on me.

But it wasn't, definitely wasn't normal. And I'd just be in there alone. Like, literally kicking my legs, you know, like a... Do you think your dad working at Hustler influenced, you? your performance aesthetic at all? No, that was my stripping. Ah, and how did you get into stripping? Stripping.

You worked at seventh fail? Seventh fail. Is it still open? No. Did it close? I'm not sure. I'm not sure. It's on sunset.

In West Hollywood? In West Hollywood. West Hollywood Hollywood? Yeah. I worked up crazy girls. Okay. Cheetos. I used to love Cheetahs.

Cheetahs was so fun. Cheetahs used to be a really nice place for alternative girls. Yeah. It just changed. Now they're like more focused on lap dances. And I was like, no, I want my alt girl. Yeah. And like pole tricks and the girls when they would get on the pole, it was like a real performance.

It was amazing. And I learned a lot about myself when I did that job. That's for sure. And I also at the same time as that, my two jobs were that at night. And then by day I would roll blunts in the back. of a unmarked what, it was like money laundering.

And so what you call it? Money laundering. This guy was 100% money laundering. He had a safe with all this cash, but like no one ever came in to get weed. But he would just, I would just sit back there and I was like, there's no music playing, nothing. Like iPhones weren't really what they are now.

So I would just roll blunt after blunt. It was the most monotonous job. I would just, but actually kind of mindful. you know, you're really in the present. Yeah, something tedious. You get to just, like, think about things. What was your, did you have a signature pole move? Oh, yeah, I did.

So I'd climb up the top, wrap my legs, hang down, be fully hung down for a second, and then, you know, I'd do this for a second, and then I could drop. And right before I'd get to the ground, I could stop myself, so my head wouldn't hit. So was the pole behind you or in front of you? I would climb, like climb with my ass facing the audience. Yes. Climb up, wrap my legs, drop down so my face was facing them. Oh, ooh.

And then drop. Oh. That's so wild. That was my one trick. That was my one trick. Because the other girls could do way crazy. This girl named Apple. Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God. When she would come, she would come once a week. and people would come from like all over L.A. just to see her. And she was so hot and she could do the craziest should I've ever seen on a pole. And I'm also never seen as much money thrown at someone ever in my life. And we were all like, huh. Fuck apples here. Not going to make any fucking money.

Oh my God. I wonder where Apple is now. Oh, she's rich. She's an only fan. She must be only fans. Apple. If you're listening or if you know Apple, let us know where Apple is. She was so fierce.

What was your stripper name? Brocandy? I never thought to have an alias. Is Candy your government last name? Yeah. Wait, I didn't know that. That's really funny. When you were like, my friends were like, hi, Mr. Candy.

And I was like, ah, that's funny. Because that's not his last name, but that is his last name. His last name. That's so wild. It's bizarre. What a treat? Candy. Candy.

It's like my grandpa changed his name after World War II. He moved here. And then I think he thought it sounded like American. That's very funny. Right. An American name. Candy. Candy.

Like Coca-Cola. It's just so, it is a strange. I've thought about that. It's my name. It's, I like it. So you said you learned things about yourself stripping. Can I ask, what did you learn about yourself? Oh my God. Well, I learned to be completely uninhibited.

Obviously, getting naked in front of strangers. Get over it real quick. I got over stage fright. But actually, now I have it again. You do. I have it again. It's bad now. So how do you come back there?

I like cry. I just do it. And then the second I'm up there, it's gone. But I'll cry fully cry my makeup off because I'm so scared. But it would be a bunch of people like, and I'm like, oh, I'm going to, something's going to go wrong. So it's maybe like PTSD or something. But when I was stripping, I was so young that I think I just was just young and dumb.

And I just was super uninhibited. It helped me become uninhibited. It helped me become very confident to the point of like calm down. Delusional. Sometimes you need a little delusion. Oh, that's, I. I think to make it in this industry. I think to be a performer, you have to have the delusion that, like, yes, people want this.

People, I mean, comedy, you have to have some sort of delusion that, like, a crowd of people literally want to hear all your thoughts. And it's like, you have to be like, Beyonce is delusional. I think people are going to love this music that I'm making that nobody else has heard that maybe 10 people have heard, but they're going to love it. That's delusion. Yeah. And then we all eat it up and I do love it. And then it's like, delusion, confirmed. Here's a question.

Do you have any advice for single people? I feel like don't be discouraged if you don't find it where you're looking because sometimes it is in the least expected places. And it hits you over the head when you don't expect it. Because I was single, I think, for like nine years. And then I just randomly met a guy in a shack because I went to get a tattoo. And I wasn't looking for, you know, there was no date. And I was like, oh, this person.

So I think it could happen at any time, any age, anywhere. It doesn't matter. And I think if it doesn't happen the way you expect it to happen, don't be discouraged by that. Because I think that there's someone out there for everyone. I think so too. I do think there's somebody out there for everybody unless you don't want it. Unless you don't want it. And then that means you're leaving your personal.

person out there to dry and be sad. Do you think single people, because I've watched a lot of videos about this, like single people who are like, I'm single because I'm in my power. And I feel like that's a little judgy for people that are in relationships. I personally do like the relationship. Yes. I like the safety. Yes.

But I could still be in my power. Yes. I think you could be in your power in a relationship. but I think when you're single, it's a little bit of, because I feel like society puts a lot on you when you're single to be like, why haven't you met someone?

Or like, you'll meet somebody one day. Or I don't like people feeling bad for you because you're single. So I think sometimes people are like, oh, I'm in my power because they're like, I don't, I'm rejecting society. I'm rejecting bullshit of people being like, you need to be with somebody.

Because I think when I was single, I was very much like not in my power because I wanted a relationship so bad but then it got to a point where I was like I think I like myself and I think I'm okay by myself yeah that's

I'm enough and then I met somebody that's the other thing actually that's yeah okay that's the advice you summed it up much better I just associated for so long I was like what was the question I think when you are

fully comfortable being alone and you're like totally at peace with it all. You could travel alone and you can just like do anything alone. Like that's when it fucking comes and hits you over the head. That's what happened with me. And I do, you said it earlier, I, I like being able to, I, oh, I love talking. Talking is very fun. I love it so much. But I also like being silent. And I like being silent with somebody sometimes. Same. I like the pressure of not having to say anything and still being very comfortable with them. But then sometimes I'll be like, I want to say things. And I don't, I don't think you want to respond to me. But like, can I just talk at you? Sometimes he's like,

sure. And that's nice. I need more of that. Yeah. I need more because I always want to talk at. I always am talking at. But he figured out. out he has now noise cancelling headphones. So when I really got to get it, like when I have to show him a meme, I'm like, and then he's like, what? I'm like, look at this. Oh, my God, look. I just watched this thing.

Like, it was so dumb. It was Logan Paul walking off of a podcast because they made us a joke about the suicide forest. And I was like, oh, look it, look it, look it. He was like, oh, my God. Can you turn the volume down? Turning it down and then it like freezes. I'm like, oh, wait, hold on. Wait, let me get it back.

Okay, wait. He's like, hey. Headphone back on. And I'm like, well, yes, I did it. It's funny because sometimes I don't care what the response is. I just need to share with you. Yes. Like sometimes I'll send him memes and he'll just go, L-O-L. And I want to be like, thank you. Did you watch it? Did you like it? Did you, did you have a nice time? Do you have any other thoughts about this 30-second thing I sent you? If you saw my meme send to my husband? I mean, it's just, I never even get the L-O-L. He will send me like a puppy meme once in a while and stuff. Sweet. See, that's nice. I was in a bad mood. And he sent me.

a Sears catalog of 90s bathrooms. And he was like, did that make you feel better? And I was like, kind of, but not really. Here are the bathrooms I like. It did make me feel better. And I don't know why I couldn't just say, yes, thank you. If you want to stand out online, you need a good website. Whether you're just starting something new or scaling your business,

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good. And honestly, when I'm looking for a place to stay, I always book a stay on Airbnb. For trips with friends, hotels just don't give us the space I need. I am a grown woman. I need my own bedroom, and more importantly, I need a bathroom that is all mine. Nothing is worse than sharing a bathroom with your friends and having to do your business while someone is right outside the door waiting to brush their dang teeth. You cannot live your best life like that. And if you want to be sure you're booking the very best place, look for the guest favorites badge. These are a collection of the most loved homes on Airbnb chosen by who? The guests. It's like a stamp of approval that says you're going to have a great time.

Honestly, life is too short to be cramped. Next time you travel, book a home on Airbnb. How did you get into tattooing? Did your husband teach you how to tattoo? My husband kind of half taught me during the pandemic. I saw, like, right before the pandemic, I had been playing shows with Charlie, XX, and been doing a lot of performances and put out an album,

was going to do a bunch of tours. and then I feel like when the pandemic hit, like, I don't want to work on that anymore. It just didn't feel like that was ever going to happen again. I know Charlie literally put out an album during the pandemic. She's a hustler. Like, she has more drive than anyone I've ever met. Like, it's insane. But I was like, I'm going to switch careers to something that is more relaxing and something

that I can do that is just like I can do anywhere. and I know that when if this ends, like, I'll be able to do it. And who knows, like, and also I did it during, too, with masks and stuff like that. But I kind of taught myself on my legs. Oh. Yeah. There's some really bad ones. Awful.

I did a terrible stripper heel. Oh, really? It's the worst. It's so bad. It's unfixable. Unfixable. Unfixable. You can't get it covered?

I ask Kyle. There's nothing I can do. And he's so good at tattooing. We've lost it. Sorry. There's nothing I can do. That's wild. Do you have any New Year's resolutions?

Actually, yeah, I do. What are they? So I would like to do more phone calls and less long texts because I think they scare people away from being my friend. Yes. Or from just doing business. Why don't I try really try so hard with my impulses to keep it from business stuff? But I do it with friends and stuff and my husband. And I know it drives them like bonkers and makes them fear for their life.

So I would like to have more control over my impulses. I think that's a good New Year's resolution. I also think maybe that'll be my New Year's resolution to try to. to try to just be more mindful and, like, think before I act a fool. But also, there's something so amazing about the transparency and the honesty in that. Yeah, but still. And the sensitivity. Could have a little bit of restraint.

A little, a little. Just a touch. Just a touch more. Just not too much. Just a little bit. Yeah. And, like, I'm killing it. I'm, like, back to my 21-year-old illusion.

I'm back on the pole. I think you could do it I think you could make your grand return to the bowl At some point Maybe I'm like yeah Maybe when the time is right A class

Just to make sure the back works And I can do at least a spin And then like at a show maybe Yeah Why not? I saw Shy Girl I'll just throw this in Shy Girl And she had two strippers

Did you have you seen her show? I haven't I've seen Clips on Instagram It was amazing The two strippers when they came out, it was like beautiful. It's like, oh my God. And it's just so, I had never seen that at a show with that kind of music, just with

her visuals. And it was just like, I was like, wow, this is really cool. There's a woman who dances with Usher. I wish I could remember her name, but she is so aggressive with her dancing that I love it so much. She doesn't move or she hangs on the side where her. legs are kind of like in a pretzel and she's to the side and she like beats her chest and I love it so much and the way she climbs is so I don't know how she's doing it like it looks like

nothing's really touching the pole and she's like all the way at the top so quickly and then she she also can drop down and it's and she also does a thing where she like she twists her legs so she like it like tumbles down yeah and it's so wild to watch it's kind of a double twist to make that happen. But you know what? That reminded me of Usher Books. Do you remember that? Yes. When he went to the strip club? He went to the club and was paying the girls in Usher books. That's not nice. Paying them and printed money with his face on it. That's not nice. I think Usher's New Year's resolution should be to get real money.

Like, you're literally Usher. You are so rich. You've so much money. Like, come on. Well, Brooke, we've come to the end of this. episodes. Oh. I have to ask, would you date me? Uh, 100% no doubt, duh. Oh my God. I thought you were to saying no. And I was like, no one's ever said no to you. Yes. What? Yes. On the show? Yes. What? I think. Ooh. I'm going to fuck them up. Honestly, I think Mike Mitchell was one. I think. Maybe Jackie's O'Neill was one. Maybe Jakee So Neil. Maybe Jakee's O'Neill. I think maybe, I don't know, I'd have to really rack my brain, but I think like five people have been like, no.

You're hot, you're funny, you're cool, good style, like, good taste. You are into really obscure niche weird stuff. That's like, I love that. That's very Aquarius. Are you? No, I'm a Virgo. What are you? Cancer.

I don't know anything about the signs. Well, I think it doesn't. I always know it doesn't matter, but it does. The only thing I know is like Virgo's are. particular. Organized. I'm not, so I guess you could say it's organized chaos. I have little piles of stuff that I know what's going on.

Don't touch my piles because I know what's going on in the piles. That's literally, sorry to keep it running. I know that we are supposed to be in of it. I cleaned my husband's desk yesterday because it was all these piles. And then it was, it looked like trash to me. but I threw away his prescription for his glasses. But I don't think I did because I look through the trash. But he was like, Brooke, this is why I tell you, don't touch my piles.

But I'm like, no, but there's so many. And I just have to tidy them. Is he a Virgo? He's an Aquarius. Oh. Similar. Yeah, I guess so. I think.

I simply don't know. I also really don't. I know Aquarius is a water sign? Yeah. Virgo's a earth sign? Earth, wind, and fire? Uh-huh. Well, if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me?

Oh, wait, do you have anything you want to promote? Oh, yeah. My podcast Unwrapped. New music. Do you have, like, a release date for your new music or no? Not quite yet. Okay. And a lot of visuals.

Ooh. A lot. Well, can you talk to Beyonce and let her know we'd like visuals from her, too? Where is she? I don't know. She was at the F-1 race. Was she? Mm-hmm.

And her titties were out to play. She was actually, and she was with her mom. Yes. And Jay-Z was there, and they got driven around. And I was like, she's living my dream. I watched this video where her and Jay-Z were walking out. And everyone was just yelling Beyonce and not one person yelled Jay-Z. I wonder what that's like to be like, I'm married to like the hottest lady.

I am talented in my own right. I'm a living legend, kind of as well. And nobody gives a shit about me. Like he was walking like, you know, he probably assumed at least he'd hear one or two. One or two, Jayzies. It's all Beyonce, Beyonce over here, over here, Beyonce over here. She's so pretty. I mean, she's literally perfect.

I love her so much. I love her too. Well, if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me? You could like it. You could rate it to subscribe. You give me five stars on Apple Podcast. And if you write me something nasty hitting on me to Why Won't You Date Me Podcasts at gmail.com, I will read it. I'll make a request, if you don't mind, keep them short a little bit.

Just not like an essay length. A couple, like a paragraph or two, great. Okay. Hi, Nicole. I'm really high right now. First, I would like to pick you up at your Midtown Hotel and a Geo-Tracer that was towing a Suzuki sidekick. That's funny because I love a Geo-Tracker and a Suzuki sidekick.

I love a Suzuki sidekick more than any thing. They're so cute. They're Japanese, right? You can't get them, but it's one of my favorite cars. You can get them. Imported. No. What do you mean?

They sold Suzuki sidekicks here. The samurai. The samurai, that's the one. They sold them here. I love that car. The samurai and the sidekick are pretty similar. The sidekick is 90s. The samurai, I believe, was 80s to 90s.

But the geotracker is the same car, just sold under a different name. I love it. I love it. You drive, you asked to drive and for me to sit in the sidekick while you say something like, but this is simply not a good idea. I've left an engineer cap

on the passenger seat for you and we communicate by phone. The horn blare's to-toot, and we're off. I give you directions to our destination. You pepper me with questions about the replacement engine for the tracker. I'm coy with responses because I actually just stole these two cars.

They were parked next to each other and I decided they were bonded a bonded pair. I demure and say, I don't know anything about cars. Tell me everything, which is true. I give you directions to the Javitt Center. We attend the New York Auto Show. I've arranged for a gaggle of hunky and or old, respectful Italian mechanics to personally escort us around. And we all engage in your special interest and get free snacks. By the end of the night, I've lost track of the tiny car, choo, train when we take an Uber to your hotel. We hug on the street. I jizz my pay. hands as I walk away and you have a tup wear of leftovers from the auto show. Have a good night from Jackson. Thank you, Jackson. Goodbye.

That was a headgum podcast. Hi, I'm Drew Offiallo. And I'm Jason Offoallo. And we host the HeadGum podcast, Two Idiot Girls. Each episode, we're discussing plenty of topics that you would be giggling at a sleepover with your weird cousins. We talk about all kinds of things,

like weird dating horror stories, maybe a really bad wedgy you had, once or even a show you're loving and anything in between. So you can listen to Two Idiot Girls on your favorite podcast app or watch full video episodes on YouTube. New episodes will be posted every Tuesday.