Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Running into Past Flings (Live w/ Josh Sharp)

Episode Date: January 3, 2020

Josh Sharp (The Opposition with Jordan Klepper, The Chris Gethard Show) joins Nicole to discuss their previous liveshow where Nicole ran into a guy who she's slept with. They also discuss Josh's open relationship, Craigslist missed connections ads, and Nicole shares details about her 3-way with a friend. Nicole also surveys the 1 single male audience member to see if they would have sex with her.Stay until the end of the episode for the clip where Nicole runs into a man she's slept with.Support the show! Rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts with a dirty comment for a chance to have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyBuy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964

Okay, so my guest Josh Sharp and I had previously recorded an episode of Why Won't You Date Me, but it's never going to come out. And we reference it and we talk about there is a moment in the show that we talk about on stage at this one. So if you stay to the end of the episode, you can listen to the clips from the episode with Josh that will never come out. Did I confuse you? It's confusing. Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why how are you? Thank you guys so much for coming out. Oh boy. What a dang treat. Okay. So this is a live episode of my podcast. Why won't you date me? And I was told there's like 800 fucking people here. Thank you. Wow. Truly, thank you so much. Okay. so i should just introduce my guest i love him so much he's one of my dear friends give it up for josh sharp

pizza's here okay pizza's here so last time i was here i went to a regina pizzeria put it on the damn floor with the dough boys and i loved the pizza but like we're two people and we're two people and you crunched those numbers and said three pizzas seems appropriate. And I'm not going to say your math was wrong. But it was fundamentally wrong. But it wasn't right. Yeah. We ate so much pizza. And yet there's so much left.

So much left over. So would anyone like a cold piece of pizza? Here you go. I was saying that bringing out pizza boxes made me feel like I was in a porno. But then it occurred to me that delivering pizza is a job. Like, I don't know why. It is a job, but it isn't a lot of porn.

Like, that's why it's in pornos in the first place, is that it is a job in the world. Honestly, what a treat it would be to open my door after ordering pizza, I get pizza, and then I get fucked? Yes. Like, what a dang tree. Okay.

Do you want the pizza and then you get fucked in your fantasy or you get fucked and y'all eat after? I think I want to get fucked in, no, eat first and like have him rub my full belly. You know? In my community, it depends on if you're bottoming, you know? Yeah, if you're bottoming, no pizza. Okay. Okay, so I have three kinds. This is a Biancaing you know yeah if you're bottoming no pizza okay so i have passed this is a bianca you know pass it around pass this around okay so there's a plain

one there is a that's the plane and then this is the mitch as you call it mike mitchell special Mike Mitchell special. So, Mitchie likes a pepperoni pizza with onions well done. And extra cheese. Oh, and there's extra cheese on it. Mitch is not a bottom. No. Mitch is... Mitch is not a bottom. But, like, also, he kind of is a bottom, you know?

God bless. He's a messy bottom. So, okay, so... Here we go. Yeah, Give it, take a slice and, you know, help the plebeians

who didn't have the splash sewn seats have some too. Okay. Honestly, I feel good about myself and I think

that was my charitable contribution for 2019. We did a good turn. You waited until November to find it. Yes, I waited until the end of the year. And it was giving

out ten slices of cold pizza. Cold fucking pizza! And only to the people who paid for the most expensive tickets. We could have tossed one in the balcony if we really wanted to do a good turn. There's no more. You can woo all you want, but there is no more.

I feel like the venue would get so angry with me if I started throwing pizza into the audience. To the podcast audience, the balcony is I would say 400 feet high. Yeah, I mean if I do my math correctly, I would say

maybe 600 feet, maybe 9,000 feet. I don't know. Yeah, I think it's nine to ten thousand meters high yes so josh and i have already done a live episode of my podcast yeah fun fact but it will never be released no one will ever hear we did a corporate and if y'all freaks are nasty enough this one won't either just kidding it wasn't about that. It wasn't about that. No, it wasn't about that. We did this like corporate gig and they were like pretty chill with my content until they listened to it.

And they were like, Dios mio. So we could never. Well, now I know we can't say who it was for. No, we can't. But can we describe generally why it also was bad? Yeah, so... Because it was a live episode, but not here in a theater amongst, you know,

in an active burger restaurant while people just, like, came in and out. Right? Yes, and they would walk in and be like, why are these people talking? And we would be like, thank you so much for coming. And then, like, people actively would turn their backs. Oh, yeah.

And within, like, I could touch them. It wasn't like they were wet. They were truly right in front. Yeah, and I could be like, sir, pay attention to me. Excuse me. And they were like, no, we couldn't possibly. It just felt like we were talking, having our own conversation. In a crowded burger place.

In a crowded burger restaurant. Just with microphones. Yes. And they kept being like the sound is great and i was like how yeah yeah we were like no we're in the room and have ears we know the sound is bad the best part was are you about to tell the wildest thing happened this man was in the front row waving at me and i was like, why is he waving at me like this? And I was like, oh my god, I fucked him.

Yeah, but there was a beautiful lead in, because again, we were sort of like performing a podcast like, we weren't really doing a podcast but it was off the rails. And you were like, how do I know you? You were like, I know you. And then it like hit you, you're like, we had

sex. Did you even realize that or did him did he no i realized it in real time and then there was a very adorable black woman in the corner going no because then i brought him up to the makeshift stage at that point i knew how to be a good guest and that was to relinquish my microphone to the man you had fucked. So I said, take the seat, sir. I'll go get a burger. He truly did. Yeah.

And I think I asked him, I was like, how is my pussy? He was like, great. Hey, that's a good review. It was a very nice review, but truly a living nightmare. And then he was like, here's my number. And I was like, okay. Again, this was all happening during the taping of the podcast.

During the taping of the podcast. That for some reason won't air. And then, so we like exchanged numbers. And then he never called me. But then I saw him later when I was out at dinner. Wait, I didn't know this part. Oh, I didn't tell you this part? You ran into him again later on?

Yes. So I went to my favorite restaurant, which is uptown in New York. It's called Toast. And on the website, they call it Truck Stop Gourmet. Wow. From Guy Fieri's biggest fan, this does feel like a place for you. Truck Stop Gourmet. You better give me some trashy-ass food.

But tell me it's gourmet. Yeah, if you put slap gourmet and donkey sauce on it, I'm here. Truck Stop Gourmet, you're like, I don't have taste, but I have money, is what you've said to them. And they're like, all right, here you go. Yeah, but he was fucking there. And then he was sitting at the bar, and I was like, you know what? I'm not going to be like, hey, isn't this weird? I figured he would text me, and then he never texted me.

No, actually, that's a lie. He texted me like two days later, and he was like, what's good? And I was like, I'm in LA. And he said, oh. And I was like, you knew I was. Did he actually text oh? Yes. This man is unwell.

Right? Who texts oh? He's sick. And I was like, you had the chance to fuck me and you didn't take the opportunity well you had the chance and you did and then you stalked me into a podcast and later at a restaurant and then you didn't yeah cause then he was like you're doing

so much you know I'm so proud of you I'm like proud of me you fucked me a couple times what do you remember about the sex you don't get to be proud um cause are you finding you're in the space because I'm finding I'm in the space in my sexual journey where I'll meet people who I'm like I think we hooked up

but I don't know for sure and it's a troubling chapter to go into yeah yes I fully understand that I was once on a bus having a great conversation with this dude and then at one point I was like you feel so familiar he was like you do too and then at one point i was like you feel so familiar he was like you do

too and then i was like we fuck yeah and it's honestly not just like numbers it's not like i'm king slut it's also just time i'm just like my i'm older my brain is dumber but can you also be king slut well i've run a few years in row and and I keep losing. You're like King Tut's cousin, you know? King slut. Ooh, that got me. Oh, it got you. His cousin. He's been like, why do I get to be king?

You know he's not actually king. No, they would never let him be king. He's going around, I'm king slut. They're like, well, Tut is king, my dude. Yeah, you're just slutty and we let you call not actually king. No, they would never let him be a king. He's going around, I'm king slut. They're like, well, Tut is king, my dude. Yeah, you're just slutty, and we let you call yourself a king. Yeah, you know they gave him that little pyramid in the back of the big one you see in the pictures. The tiny pyramid is just a circuit party. You should go to more circuit parties.

Okay, here's the thing. I would go to a circuit party, but I want to fuck. If I'm going to go to a circuit party... And you're not going to. No, nobody's going to want to fuck me. Why are there not straight circuit parties? Because men are pigs.

And so it only works when they're reflected back on themselves. So that's what I think is a big part of homosexuality. It's like if you put men in the room with women, it's like, oh no, this is terrible. But when men are with men, they're all like, I guess this is fine. Because no one's there to be like, you put men in the room with women it's like oh no this is terrible but when men are with men they're all like i guess this is fine because no one's there to be like you're all bad well i i feel like men and men yeah they get to like behave poorly but men with women every time a man looks at a woman is as if he this is the first woman he's ever seen. Like, I was driving in LA and I was behind this guy in a Honda Civic

and this woman was crossing the street and I watched him watch her cross the street and then he stared at her as she went down the street and I was like,

this woman was so basic. Yeah. You know? She was in jeans and like fully covered but this man was like, Yeah. Fully steamed coming out of his ears. You know? She was in jeans and like fully covered, but this man was like... Yeah, fully steam coming out of his ears.

I'm gonna bust out of my Civic. Like... I just... Yeah. I just, I don't understand it. I mean, I know you are open to different gender identities sexually. Yeah, sure. But that you mostly have to be with straight guys is a shame.

I mean, it's exhausting. Because you're a self-avowed sort of like cisgender drag queen. Yeah, sure. But that you mostly have to be with straight guys is a shame. I mean, it's exhausting. Because you're a self-avowed sort of like cisgender drag queen. Yeah, I'm a slut. And yet you spend most of your time with the opposite of that. Yeah, it's depressing. Yeah. Because like you walk into a straight bar and no one goes, diva, your makeup, you know? Yeah, no.

And like if there are straight men here, which I doubt, they're not quite my demographic. Yeah, if you're here on some sort of cultural exchange, like a semester abroad, you've been taken in by a local gay family, and they're like, let us show you how... Your first lesson is seeing a big black woman talk about dicks. With her gay friend that you're like, have I seen him on something? I mean, yeah.

Okay, are there straight men here? Wow, more than I expected. Can I do a follow-up? Yeah. Are there any straight men here who are stag, who didn't come with a female partner? Okay. What?

That's the one that surprises me. Whoa! Is it like a bachelor party thing? Because it was one little pocket. Yes. That interest, and it's in the balcony, right? Oh, they're everywhere. My God. No, I don't know. One little pocket. Yes. That interest in it's in the balcony, right? Oh, they're everywhere.

My God. No, I don't know. This is wild. Are any of you single? Okay. We really whittled it down to one person. We found 800 some here. And through a series of questions, we found one who might

be a potential mate. So wait, okay, the one single straight man here, would you fuck me? Wait, wait, wait. What did he say? Did you hear it? It was a loud chuckle.

Oh no. But it could have been a, yeah. But there was no yeah attached to it. Honestly, that's the hardest I've ever been disrespected in person. Yeah, but you got his fucking money. Yeah. He bought a damn ticket. He did.

Yo, and afterwards, when I'm shilling merch, I'm going to make him buy pins. And I'm not going to tell him they're two for 15. I'm going to say they're two for 20, my man. One for 10

and two for 20. I don't know if I'm doing a meet and greet after this. Never mind. The pins are gone. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. You are. I love when people have more information than me.

I don't read emails. I find that in our profession, that's often the case. That there's always 30 people. In case you want to know what it's like to be a comedian, it's getting on a call with 40 people who all have for a week known you have a job. You know, like have known things about you. Like, by the way, just to clue you in on your own life. Yes.

Yeah. There have been so many phone calls. I like just got a job where it was like a team call. There's six people on it. One person I didn't know. And I was like, you're on my team. Who are you? Who are you?

And they were like, you got this job. And I was like, what? What? What? How? I auditioned for this two months ago. And you know, they probably knew for a while, but were like sorting out some stuff. They probably knew for two months. And at some point it was like, oh, shit, you know who we have to tell?

Nicole. Yeah. It's so, I'm like, what are you doing? Anyway, we don't want to talk about the business. That's not what the podcast is about. Yeah. So you are not single. I know that about you to talk about the business. That's not what the podcast is about. So you are not single. I know that about you. I'm not single, that's true.

But are you like, unofficially in an open relationship? I would say so. I don't know. Yeah, I mean, yeah. It's weird because I feel like there's a lot of baggage about like, what that means. So I don't always like, and it's a complicated thing in that I'm ultimately, it's another person's life too. So I try to

when I speak about it, like like speak to my side of it, but not just be like, here's what's going on for him. You know what I mean? Which is probably healthy in most things in a relationship and not just be like, and my wife feels this way. My wife is happy. You know what I mean? There was a person, like an actor

who came out to being like in an open relationship and the wife did not see my is it the one i'm thinking about oh absolutely you don't want to say his name sure don't yeah um yeah so i but but the answer is yes but it also is like i think like i have a lot of conversations especially with straight people about like being in a quote open relationship where they're like it just seems so hard like i don't know how i do it i'm like great news it's you don't have to it is not the law you know like we it's easy for us what if it was the law what if tomorrow donald j trump my favorite person was like everybody's in an open relationship executive order he's like it's my executive order and I don't know where I am.

He's not well. We both have good trumps is what I learned from that. I mean, both of our trumps are so good. So good. It feels very easy and casual. So it does feel weird to label it as a thing sometimes.

Do you talk about fucking other people with your partner? We will. But we don't really have rules for how it has to go down. But I find that that is ultimately a new fun... I think for a lot of people that sounds like, oh, that feels weird.

Which, again, if that's weird to you, don't do it. Until tomorrow. I think for some people they like like a don't ask, don't tell. Whereas we'll often share because it can feel like a new fun intimacy that you don't normally get to share with your partner to be like, let me

tell you about this dick I sucked last night. And they're like, what? And it's like a fun little thing you get to now share. I don't think I could be in an open relationship unless I was with someone for like 10 years. Because a decade's a long time. We've been almost six, so it's like, it's been a minute.

You've been together for six? Yeah. Has it been open the whole time? Or was there a door that you were like, we should open it? Not the whole time, but yeah. Well, you remember when Obama gave his executive order. That's when I had to do it. And then it was rescinded,

and now we're waiting for Trump to do it again. He was like, aw, aw, aw. Yeah, we both have good Obamas, too. Aw, listen, aw. That was a terrible Obama. It truly just sounded like me gargling a dick. You don't think you could do it? I don't.

I think I would just have to be with that person for a long enough time that I was secure in the relationship. But also, I've been in a lot of therapy. So I'm like, if, thank you.

For me, for me it is a little bit of that where it's like fun to confront yourself with your own, like try to kill your own jealousy. Yes. And like cop to like, I don't own this person.

Yes. Like I think any, we sometimes like sort of naturally are very possessive in relationships, even when you're being chill. And I think there's ways in which it's like trying to like push back on that as healthy. And I'm truly not chill. So I think for me,

it would just be like, okay, we've been together for a super long time. If you do end up leaving me for someone else okay we've had our time uh but like also if you need another pussy pillow then like go sleep on it you know uh so you could see it coming up that you'd be like yeah sure i think it's just like down the line yeah but then also if i ever get no not if i ever when i get into a relationship yes i can like evaluate it

don't call it why won't you date me but why haven't you dated me yet I don't even know what the difference of those things was I mean one is just less desperate you know the way I've titled it is rather desperate

according to people on reddit.com no you can't read what those trolls are saying oh they're so mean and then I found a whole other website it's called lipstick alley and it's like a message board of like hateful women who just want to shit on

everybody on other women yeah but then there's one girl on it who has literally listened to every episode of my podcast and then comments on how awful it is and i was like i mean keep listening yeah again i bet she bought a damn casper mattress. Promo code date me. I bet you have her money. I don't advertise for Casper yet. Is that one of those mattresses that comes rolled up in a box? Yeah, I think I have one. So that speaks to if it's good or not.

But I know, but I think I do and I like it. Oh, okay. I had a different box mattress and then I got a Casper, I think. I treated myself to a sit and sleep mattress. What's that? It's a different box mattress and then i got a casper i think i treated myself to a sit and sleep mattress what's that it's a store called sit and sleep and i went in because i really like the name and i sat down on which part really drew you in sitting or sleeping i think the combination because it's like yeah i sit on my bed all the time and also i sleep uh yeah it should have been sit and sleep and sometimes fuck that should be the name of the Because it's like, yeah, I sit on my bed all the time. And also, I sleep.

It should have been sit and sleep and sometimes fuck. That should be the name of the store, really. I would love sit, sleep, and fuck. Yeah, but I went in and I took a sleep test, which just meant I slept for like 10 minutes at the store while a tall black man watched me. Okay, this is perverted. This feels like a kink. It did seem fucking kinky.

But then I have a great mattress. But then you have a great mattress. Yeah, I still haven't fucked on it, though. I haven't christened it yet. How often do you proposition men in the world? Because I know you're going to bars more now, you were telling me, right? Yeah.

And avoiding the apps a little bit? Trying. Because they're bad. Yeah, the apps for me right now, they make me anxious and I feel like everyone I'm going out with is super anxious and I'm trying not to do it as much.

Yes. And they gamify. They're just like, everything that's bad about your phone is also bad about that where they just gamified this thing in a way that you ultimately feel like you're losing when it's like, this is, no.

It's not Candy Crush. No winners or losers. I mean, it is Candy Crush. Yeah, exactly. You gotta get the candies together that fit together. It's the same thing with people. I don't know. I fucking hate apps. They're just bad. But I don't really

proposition dudes too, too much. Because I remember that being a thing I had to learn. Oh, this is a story you'll like. This was very early when I moved. It just occurred to me. I don't even know if I've told this in the public sphere. Well, welcome. It's not like in my act or on a podcast.

Well, now it is. Well, we'll see if this one ever goes. Maybe the corporate overlords will pull it again i remember soon after i'd moved to new york i was like at trader joe's and i was with cashier and i felt like very flirty and then sure you saw that hawaiian shirt and you said sign me up yes and and i was like i feel like i should ask him out but it's a little weird because he's at work and i didn't know what to do and so i left and then i was like, I feel like I should ask him out, but it's a little weird because he's at work and I didn't know what to do. And so I left and then I was like kicking myself. So I, and this will date the story because this was 10 years ago,

posted a Craigslist missed connection. Oh my God. And I was like, said like, I think we were, you checked me out, I think we were flirting. And then like said some little detail and then almost as a joke, because I think, I can't remember if this was true or I was just joking,

but I was like, also you forgot to ring me up for my clementines or something like that, right? And then you know how it works where it's like they don't get your email, but they send it to an email and then you get it. And of course the first thing I got was an email from a psychopath

who was just like, the fact that you said that they did not ring up your clementines and gave a distinguishing feature means that person will be fired. I hope you're happy. And i was like oh being a manager of trader joe's looking at misconnections let me check in on my employees to figure out who didn't pay for clementine yeah bringing you in for a performance review at the end of the year like i have some

bit well the misconnections folks they are they really didn't like it so so i took it down and then like three days later i was like checking like i think just looking at it because you sometimes look for giggles and that guy had been posted about me and no fucking way yes and said that his friend had seen my ad was like lol you have a misconnection i think and then we went it was gone and so he's like i think you might have taken it down i was flirting and so then we did get like a drink oh my god and again i think we had sex but i don't totally remember because it was 10 years ago but i remember at that point the lesson i learned was like oh it is very easy to like,

just give a person your number. What, what men do wrong often is they demand a response from you. And it's like, that's not what you do. And you're a woman. So this would be different. But all you do is you just like put your number on something.

You say, by the way, this is my number. Use it if you want. And you leave, you don't demand any action from them. Then you don't make them even give you a yes or no, or maybe you just like tack it onto the end.

Like if you ever wanted to, there you go. And then you fly away and you don't get butt hurt if they don't text you. Yeah. I once put out, I may have talked about it on the podcast. Honestly, I've done I think 101 episodes so I don't really remember anything anymore. Thank you.

Truly, thank you so much for listening. I really do appreciate it. But I put a misconnection because I met a man at the 23rd Street subway stop, the one train in New York. Yeah. And did I have I told this story? Does anyone remember? I have. OK, well, I haven't told you, so I'll just tell you.

Yeah, tell me. But I was like going down into the train and there was a really hot homeless man like on the first landing. And I was giving him a dollar. And as I handed him the dollar, he like caressed my hand. And we were making eye contact and I truly quivered. I was like, oh. Yeah. Spend wisely. And he reached out and touched my boot and was like, cool boots. And I was like, thank you. Yes, they are cool boots. And then the train came and I was like, I have to-

As they often do at the subway station. And I can't remember exactly what was said, but I was like, I have to go. And he's like, you should. And I was like, I don't want to. And he's like, I know. It was like. Wow. It was like this real, like, out of a fucking movie.

Yeah. And then I got on the train and was like, I maybe met my soulmate. And then I got on the train and was like, I maybe met my soulmate. So then I wrote a misconnection where I was like, in the off chance you found a computer. You don't have a home, but I'm sure you have a laptop. Yeah, I'm like, maybe you rehabilitated. You're doing really well now. You're thriving.

You got yourself a Dell because it was like 15 years ago. Sure, sure. And dude, you know. Dude, get a Dell. Yeah. And I was like 15 years ago. Sure, sure. And dude, you know. Dude, get Adele. Yeah. And I was like, so you touched my boot. I gave you money. If you want to sleep in a bed, I have one.

I'm mostly using it for sitting and sleeping, but. Spoiler, he never responded. Wow. But a lot of people were like I really hope you find him People my whole life have been so encouraging With me finding love And the universe is like It's

Kind of exhausting 800 people here because they want you to find it But then when you're like who will fuck You get one chuckle He laughed so hard. I'll truly think about that right before bed. I only went on this long

tangent because I was in that sleeping in front of this man store. It felt like you was he hot? Like, should you have been like text me when you were at the sit and sleep? Was that guy hot who watched you sleep? No. I misunderstood you. He looked like the slender man. And not in a good way?

Not in a good way. Because that's sometimes my type, is sort of like meth head. Full arms and legs. Are you on meth, or are you maybe a runway model? Do you know what I mean? Where it's like there's a fine line between like... He was leaning more towards meth. Are you Comme des Garcons or on drugs?

Do you only eat drugs? I think he only ate drugs. Or will I see you in Paris? He honestly was such a strange man. And I hope he doesn't listen to my podcast and he's like, she's talking about me. And like one of his arms is like in the background because he's so long.

He's in the middle of haunting a teen in their mirror. And he's like, wait, what? Oh no, she's talking about me. Kill your friend. Um, what is... I really, I mean, not to be another person who's just championing your efforts, but you know,

I've long felt like it's crazy you don't get more dick. I mean, I know you get an okay amount, but I just think... I do pretty well. Lately, I have not been doing well just because I've been traveling so much and I had two bad interactions

trying to fuck while I was traveling and I was like, you know what? We're done with this. Oh, and as we were saying earlier, there's not like a good straight grinder to like set up things when you're like that's gay people i feel like when you're traveling can be like fine gay men have truly made it so efficient to fuck oh we've always persevered i mean there wouldn't have been a craigslist without us you think they wanted it to sell used cars no ma'am it is funny now that

miss connections is gone that i think there's not a space for that kind of thing. And I've like very, like I saw it this week that someone was on Grindr and had posted a message that was like, I'm looking for one person in specific. You know who you are. Do not respond if you're not that person, please. It was like, I'm not here to solicit all comers. I'm trying to say hi to this one guy.

And I was just like, honey, this is not going to work. That's so fucking funny. Not you, not you, not you, just one. But I love that he was just like, I can't be scrolling through all these messages. I want to open it and see the one message from the one guy. So you're on Grindr. I'm on Grindr, yeah.

And it seems so easy. Yeah, I mean, it's bad, but they're all bad. That's what I think. Yes, all apps are bad. I will say that I think... Except for Hinge. Yeah, which I haven't done. I do ads for Hinge.

Oh, you do ads for them. Oh, Hinge is great. Hinge is perfect. Hinge is great. Hinge is great. I love Hinge. Hinge is great. There's an incredible promo code I use that I'm forgetting now.

Yeah, me too. Date Me? But it's probably something. Yeah, date me something. Probably Nicole? Yes. Nailed it. Probably nailed it. She's probably nailed it.

They're probably doing her hinge. Oh, my God. I feel like before I die, someone's going to go, huh, nailed it. And that'll be the last thing I hear. Yeah, me. I'm going to kill you. Honestly, if that happens. Say it one more time.

I'll be so sad. I'll be like, this is my legacy. That's all I've done. This is the only thing people care about. You especially say it's like 90 years from now. 90 years? I don't want to live that long. Come on, please.

Think of you at 120. Oh my God. Think of you in the nursing home. You'll get dick in the nursing home. Oh, I will fuck. I will clean up in the nursing home. You're going to be rolling around like gobble gobble. Yes. And then, you know,

like I'll probably have Alzheimer's so like I won't remember who I fucked, you know? It'll just be like a nice rediscovery every time I try to fuck somebody. And that's the upside to Alzheimer's. You'll be like, who are you? Oh, you look like this man in this photograph on my bedside table

who's the last person you fucked when's the last time you fucked oh when is the last time I had sex can't remember but it wasn't long ago but I can't remember don't remember where your dick goes uh last week with actually someone who we sort of knew each other on Instagram which is sort of becoming a dating app I feel like but maybe again gay people are everything's a dating app it's like the gym is a dating app for gay people if a gay man can get at ya they'll get at ya

people slide into my DMs a little bit I keep getting propositioned by couples where they're like here's me and my partner. You wanna come fuck us? Have you ever done that? Because I think that's really fun. I think it's very fun to be the special guest.

That's what I would call that role because you get to sort of be like a lot of attention on you, like, who's this? Oh, there's a celebrity in this episode. You know what I mean? Where it's like, okay. I mean, yeah, I would do a top billing guest star. Yeah. But...

Yeah, don't do a co-star role for this. Do a guest star role. It just has to happen organically. And at least for me. Have you ever had a three-way? Hell yeah. Okay. And...

But not with a couple, you mean? Not with a couple. It was like me and a friend and then me and a friend. And we found a man in a bar. And then we were like, we'll both fuck you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the first time was weird because I, like, never seen my friend naked before. And then she had never seen me ride a man's face before.

Weird that that hadn't come up yet in friendship. Yeah, you know, and then like making eye contact with like your best friend at the time as you're grinding on a man's face was like semi-weird. You know? And being like, I forget, were we gonna go to the movies on Thursday? Like just talking about other plans.

And then the second time was a co-worker so that was less weird because I was like, I don't really know either one of you. Wait, the friend was the co-worker and then the third was a stranger? Yes. That you met at a bar? So me and a co-worker went to a bar because we lived on the Upper West Side. Had you discussed before you went to the bar? Sure didn't.

So then how did that happen? So I was drinking Smirnoff Blueberry because I love the flavored vodka. Sure. And this dude kept buying us booze and we were talking to him and he was just like, oh man,

you girls are both so pretty. And then she was like, I think Nicole's really pretty. And I was like, what's happening? And you were like, and I think you're good at your job. Yeah.

You're really good at ringing up people at Lane Bryant. And, uh. We can't say who did the failed podcast, but we can say Lane Bryant. Oh, I shit on Lane Bryant all day. Oh, okay, good. Oh, my God. Although this is probably a positive endorsement. Lane Bryant employees, they like to fuck together.

Consider a career at Lane Bryant employees, they like to fuck together. Consider a career at Lane Bryant. You can fuck all your coworkers. But yeah, and then I think what happened was we were like all smushed in the back of a cab. And I say smushed because like we both worked at Lane Bryant. Sure. And using the same euphemism, would you say this man you met in the bar also maybe could have worked at Lane Bryant. Sure. And using the same euphemism, would you say this man you met in the bar also maybe could have worked at Lane Bryant? No, he worked at The Gap.

He was a smaller man. He could have worked at The Gap. Yes, that's how the three of us could fit in the back of a cab. Sure. You gotta put a Gap employee in the middle of the Lane Bryant sandwich. You create gaps with a Gap employee. And he was like, what if we just make...

I mean, think if he'd worked at Lululemon, you could put two of them in there. And if he worked at Limited Too, we would be arrested. But... Are these even jokes? i don't even know he said he said he was like what if we make one stop and i was like to where like I'm so dumb sometimes and he was like my place I

was like oh and she immediately was like yep and I was like oh it's happening so yeah we went home with him and that yeah that one was more fun yeah I think people are well I do think having sex with a couple is fun because you get to like be the special guest like i was saying but also you get to sort of like what be privy to someone else's dynamic i think people sometimes are think three ways are hard or weird because they're like what do you do with three people and it's like the same shit as with two but now you also it's like now you can sometimes tap out and just be like, y'all take a turn. Like, I'm winded.

I'm just going to jerk off and watch you have sex. Yes. I'm often describing to people, I'm like, you know how you like porn where you watch people have sex on your computer? You can do that in person. Well, imagine if it were theater. And it's just right there. It's like sleep no more.

It's sleep no more. It's theater. Also, you can be like, well, I guess I want to be in the play, too. And they're like, sure. I guess I want to be in the play too. This is a hot play. Podcasting is a audio medium, so when you listen to this, you

won't know that Josh stood up, jerked off, and said, I want to be in the play too. While sort of breaking down stage right. Yes, and a little hunched over. And a little hunched, yeah. I think he has spinal issues, that character. So yeah, maybe you should have sex with a couple.

But I guess this doesn't, because you're not, am I right in remembering that right now you're not i mean obviously you're always open to sex but you would rather have sex now with someone that you're like maybe we'll go on dates you're not necessarily like purely looking for hookups i have finally arrived at a destination called i want to be in an actual relationship with one person and sex can facilitate that so it's not like you have to be like, only 12 dates before you see my titties. No, that is too much math. But a lot of people have those rules. Well, my therapist, Mary, was like,

You should do promo for her. I fucking love Mary. She's this old ass white lady who gets it. Like, she's so fucking chill. But she was like, so if you fuck someone on the first date and they don't want to date you you have your answer as opposed to waiting 12 dates and you fuck them and then they don't want to date you that's what i wasted 12 opportunities to meet somebody it's ultimately some positive it's like okay good i i think a lot of times what we want in dating is information I

mean you want a partner but you most need like anxiety is caused by a lack of information even if it's bad information because you're like I need to just like process this and deal with it even if you're like and I think the most annoying thing about dating someone is like why can't I look at someone and go do you like me like me and can we be in a relationship well it's funny because i think ask people you sort of can but it's like a thing where you're gonna then be more likely to push them away like that's what keeps you not asking it's because you're like should we do this forever and they're like uh well not anymore uh-huh so you have to like walk that line i get that i've like but i think there's like different ways to be asking like questions that lead up to that.

Like being direct at every point I think is allowed. Just recognizing the context of like if this is the first date, like I think it's like totally fair to at the end of a date. Again, it's about not putting pressure. Just being like, I would really like to see you again. And if you want to, please let me know. Yeah, that I think is great and fine. And I'm also not opposed to being the one who's like,

I'm going to follow up and text you. I don't mind like putting it out there. But again, I'm in a different position because I have a boyfriend. But like also, women aren't supposed to, like you're supposed to let a man chase you. I know. But do you care about that kind of stuff? I mean, I don't, but like it feels like in the world, that's what works.

Right, that's the currency. Like when I let a man chase me, it seems to fucking work. I just feel like men are so stupid. Yeah. That sometimes you have to be like, remember how you like me? And they're like, yeah. Yeah, remember. So you remember how you wanted to hang out with me?

I did. You're like, do you think we should do that again? Oh, yeah. Maybe there's a way you can just be sort of like gaslighting them into asking you out. Oh, maybe I'll start doing that. Maybe you should start texting them as if they've asked you out and be like, yeah, Thursday works. And have them be like, wait, did I ask you out? And be like, oh, cool.

It was in person. You don't remember? Yeah, but don't have you being like, I want to go out. Just be like, hey, love that idea. See you Thursday. And you being like, I want to go out. Just be like, hey, love that idea. See you Thursday. And then be like, huh. Maybe I'll do that. I've only had like one conversation with someone about like being exclusive.

And I was, he had said that he like told his friend about me. And I was like, that seems like a step. Yeah, no, but I think you're right. A little step up to relationship from the town. And then after a minute, I was like, so, like, are you dating anybody else? And then I was like, hey, hey, hey. I was, like, trying to be really chill about it. And then he was like, actually, I'm not.

And I was like, that's nice. And then he was like. And you said it like that? Totally chill like that's nice. And then he was like. And you said it like that? Totally chill like that? Yes. And then he. Where it came out of someone who had like given you the Heimlich to have it come out. That's nice.

That's nice. But the whole time in this relationship, things like that would happen. Like he was bad at texting. And then one night I was like, you have to text me back. And he was like, I know I have ADD. And I was like, I know, I have ADD. And I was like, I know, I've seen you leave your phone around your house, but like, if you see my name, you have to text me back. And then he did get better at it, but like, I fully lost my mind.

And then he was like, are you dating anybody else? And I was like, yes, I am. But I don't want to be because I'm tired. I am, but I don't want to be because I'm tired. I don't know how to be a chill girl who's just carefree and happy. Not to be fully marrying you right now. You can. But what do we think keeps you from being chill? Because what I think is, as one of your dear friends who's known you for a long time,

why I'm very optimistic about the place you're in right now is I feel like you're, like, more accomplished than you've been and so, like, sure of yourself and your own life. Which is, like, normally when this shit happens, when you're like, oh, everything's so fucking good. But, like, it's like, I don't need that thing right now because my life's so good. And then it's when it happens, you know what I mean? Yes. So I would, I would, but again, I don't need that thing right now because my life's so good, and then it's when it happens, you know what I mean? Yes. So I would, but again, I'm projecting.

Because I would just, I would feel like everything, like the spot you're in right now, does it ever make it easy enough to be like, sort of relax and to like, this thing's going to happen on its own even if I'm not. Yeah. Sometimes I truly. You know, if that's too much to be asking here in this context, that's dumb. No, no.

I talk so much about my life. I just had an interview where the interviewer was no. I talk so much about my life. I just had an interview where the interviewer was like, you talk so much about your life. What's that like? And I was like, oh, I don't know. I'm like a nosy neighbor.

I like to know what's going on in the neighborhood. And then I also like telling people what's going on in my neighborhood. You know what I'm saying? Like, I just like to talk to people. Yeah. And then I'm also like, I don't know.

Your neighborhood watch of your own life. Yeah, truly. I'm the neighborhood watch of my own neighborhood. You're the one coming over like, I saw somebody over there last night. I mean, kind of. And then my neighbor next door, like in real life, she's truly like the neighborhood watch.

She's got all the hot goss. She's so great. I fucking love her. Although the other night she came over and she was like, do you have club soda? My dog is sick. And I was like, I don't. You could have just said you have club soda and I would have understood it more.

The more information I actually got there, the less I knew. She truly, it was pitch black, popped out of a bush and asked me for club soda. See, again, now I just got more information and I'm yet again more confused. I was picturing her daytime knock, knock, knock, and even then I was like, what's going on? But now I learned she's also a witch? So I'm like, I'm very confused. Well, when I first met her, she was sitting in a tree.

No, has everything you've said been true? Please just raise your hand when the jokes start, because I'm confused. No, the day I met her, she was sawing a branch. And she's an adult? She's an adult woman. She's an older woman. Who knew?

She was sawing a branch off her tree, and she was like... While she sat in the tree? You should be on the ground when you saw off a branch. That's like a fucking Looney Tunes, where you're like on the end of it, sawing, and then like... I'm not realizing. What? She was sitting on one branch and sawing off the other one. Still,

I don't like it. She clocked me and she was like, hello, my new neighbor. I would say hello, but I'm in a tree. And so that's how I met her. This accent, I don't know if she's Trump or Obama. She's a very kind woman, but I don't know if she's Trump or Obama.

She's a very kind woman, but I didn't have seltzer in my house at the time, so then I texted my roommate, John Milhiser, and was like, can you go get seltzer? And then he missed the text when he got home. I was like, did you bring seltzer? Would you save that text for me? You'll have to respond to it. I mean,

kind of, but John went out to 7-Eleven and got her a two liter of seltzer and delivered it to her house. And then she went, not cans. Not cans? The dog loves cans. She's the, I really love her. I love that. She also has three dogs and does not walk them at the same time.

Do some of them not get along? What do we think? I have no idea. And I just found out she has birds. And then I think she also has a cat. She is, and then she has a minivan in her driveway, but she does not drive. So like, I don't know who drives this minivan. She is a perfect human being. Yeah. Oh, I don't know who drives this minivan. She is a perfect human being.

Yeah. Oh, I wouldn't change a thing about her. I think I'm going to grow up to be her. Again, this is going to be you in the nursing home. Yeah, just saw it. Coming over. I need some seltzer for my dog. You want to fuck?

Wait, has anyone ever heard of that? Giving your sick dog seltzer? A resounding no. Okay. Okay. So she's crazy. So she's crazy. Or she's tapped into something no one has realized.

Maybe. I mean, I've tried to give my dog seltzer, and he doesn't like it. You just want him to have seltzer. Well, I enjoy a LaCroix, so I was... And like most things, you're like if i like it my dog must yes and my old roommate used to have this little chihuahua named lola and lola ate what i ate drank what i drank uh because i'd never had a dog before and i didn't realize feeding them people foods like not great uh but lola loves seltzer she would lap it up

how do you have dogs with how much you travel oh john yes john i was gonna say because i can't i People foods are not great. But Lola loves seltzer. She would lap it up. Wow. How do you have dogs with how much you travel? Oh, John. Yes, John Millhiser. I was going to say, because I just feel like I can't deal with a dog right now. I can't deal with a dog. I mean, it's hard. I want a cat, but my... You want a cat?

Yeah. Again, I like one that sort of is like, whatever. And it is just like easier work. But my boyfriend's really allergic, so I can't get one. I'm allergic to cats. It's bad. I like tear up. And like, if I touch a cat and then touch my eye, goodbye eye.

But today, I went this morning before I came here for the show, I had to go to the circus with a friend and their children. And they had two little... What the fuck? Yeah. You told me, you were like like i'm taking a later flight because i have an obligation and you wouldn't tell me the obligation it was the circus why did you go have you not seen the video of that bear attacking that no this is the big apple circus where they

don't use exotic animals that's their whole thing is they're like the woke circus i guess did you know there's a black circus? Oh, what? It's called the Universal Circus. Come on. I love that. And it's really funny. Well, this one had no animals except for two little furry cats that could do tricks.

They came out in the ring and they were doing flips and jumping over each other and I was like, I want a cat. So you paid money to watch cats do tricks yeah clowns at this circus yeah yeah and lots of like acrobatics and stuff but they don't do any of the like elephant you know like the sort of barnum the stuff we wag our fingers yeah because that's bad did you know the way to train an elephant is to beat it yeah it's really depressing so if you ever go to Thailand don't ride those elephants because they

stayed shackled and they keep them away from other elephants to not socialize them, to like keep them sad and they like truly break them. That's how you train an animal. It's like really depressing. But the way I train my dog is with treats.

Yeah, human food and force feeding themselves, sir. Hell yeah. If you shake my hand with your paw, you get a cat full of seltzer. The other day, I didn't have any treats, but I was trying to trick,

not trick, train my little... I know, but you're like, I'm good to my dogs. No, you're like, I didn't say trick treats, but I was trying to train my little dog. I know, you're like, I'm good to my dogs. No, you're like, I didn't say trick, I said train. I was trying to train Clyde to jump, to like jump on command. So I only had food. And he was like, this isn't fun. Yeah. This is what I eat normally.

This is not a treat. You're just feeding me in small increments. Yeah. He just woke up and was like're just feeding me in small increments. Yeah. He just woke up and was like, oh, the whole game's changed. Also, my bigger dog, Charlie, who's a little older, I think he's like having a midlife crisis. He's now scared of his food dish. We put the food in the bowl. He was like, no. And he wouldn't go near it so then we threw away that

bowl that's a bad ball so then he has a new bowl now not yet so we just haven't been feeding him yeah you don't get to eat till you have a ball no so. So I fed him out of my hand the other night. Does he like that or is he scared of your hand? No, he's fine with that because he's like, this is a nice hand. But then we were putting it on a paper plate, but then that makes too much noise and he would like get the food and then get scared.

And I was like, you can't see the noise that you're making? Yeah. So now we've ordered a new bowl on Amazon. The journey continues. Yeah. So, we've ordered a new bowl on Amazon. The journey continues. Yeah. So, oh, then we took away the paper plate, and then he was eating on the floor, and then Clyde was like,

this is a free-for-all. So he was like, I'll eat this food. And then Charlie was like, well, I guess if he needs it. It's been a real struggle. Yeah. Yeah, I'm going to get a cap, I think. Yeah, he truly just really made a case for getting a cat.

Yeah. Oh, boy. So we're at 50 minutes. Okay. And I like to do audience questions. I think there's a microphone in the audience. Do you look around and see if you see? Oh, yeah.

It's over there. There we go. Everyone's pointing. People are on the move. Okay, so also if you're in the balcony, you can come down if you would like. I will wait for you. Yeah, so if you have a question,

let's do it. Hi. Um, first off, thank you for the pizza. Oh, no problem. Was it good cold? I mean, I'll eat any free food. So yes, it was good. Fair. Um, so I'm here with my boyfriend. He's going to hate me because I kind of ran this by him before. What are you trying to make me upset? I'm so upset. I'm here with my boyfriend my boyfriend who loves me he's gonna be so mad at

me because he's my boyfriend he might not love me after this so okay what's up um his mom and his sister are not huge fans of me and uh we've been together he's gonna be mad at you for being like these people don't like me okay um wait why don't they like you what did you do shit in the kitchen yeah um well i'm not a size two and i graduated from an ivy league that's my they want ivy league and size, too? Those are different lanes a lot of the times. No, I just mean, like, come on. Yeah, that's a lot.

That's a lot. Okay. But anyways, I feel like I try to be really nice and don't want to, you know, cause any issues. But it's been four years. I don't know if I should show my teeth at a certain point or just kind of sit back. Like, at what point do I put my foot down and say, hey, it's been four years. Homeboy's putting me on his insurance. Like, respect me. This is tough.

I mean, I... What do you think? I have thoughts, but I think it's a lot of like... Obviously, this is like a conversation I think you're probably having with your partner, I hope. I think it starts there. Absolutely. But I also think you are always, like like the queer perspective on a lot of things this is like Dan Savage advice to be like if your family's not good to you like fuck them like yeah I'm not

saying it's fully that but I mean like sometimes to show a person how to act you have to sort of be withholding and being like they're being rude I'm not coming home for this and then they'll start to be like wait why and it's like because's like, because you're awful. And they're like, okay, I guess I could be nice. And then it's like, okay. Like sometimes we accidentally sort of like allow a person to keep doing a thing by affirming their behaviors. But I know that's complicated. But those are my thoughts. What I like to do when people are rude to me is repeat the rude thing they have said to me.

Like if they're like, say something rude to me. Oh, I couldn't imagine. I only think nice things about you. Here, try real hard. Say something nasty. Oh, your makeup is, oh girl, your makeup's bad. Obviously a lie. I would be like, oh, my makeup is bad and you chose to tell me now?

What a treat. Thank you for that. Yeah. And I think if you highlight them being, like, any mean thing they say to you and they hear it back, I think sometimes that's all it takes. Like, I say insane things and then Sasheer will repeat them and I go, oh, I'm so sorry. Yeah.

You know? Yeah. Also, can I ask where the family is even from, broadly speaking? Connecticut. Oh. Hmm. Wow, the crowd got rowdy. Yeah.

Massachusetts has thoughts. Yes. About Miss Connecticut. Yes. You should watch, honestly watch Sex and the City when Charlotte gets married to her first husband and how she treats, I think her name is like Buffy or something. Bunny, yeah.

The way she treats Bunny is like pretty spot on. Okay, cool. Thank you so much. All right, next question. First off, hi. Hello. So my question, and I think this is a question a lot of people who listen to the podcast have,

but have we completely given up on the guy from Malaysia? Oh. Thank you. I just listened to the one you played the message on, on the Willem episode, because I listened to that one. He sent me a 16 minute long message. Yeah. Where I think I cut that part out where he like explained Boba Tea.

Like he's pretty funny. I mean, he lives in Malaysia. But you can go to Malaysia. What? 90 Day Fiance. 90 Day Fiance. Oh, imagine if you could recap yourself on one of your podcasts. Oh, wow.

I was really wild in this episode. I can't believe I talked to him like that. What was I thinking? I would never do 90 Day Fiance. Those people are wild. But yeah, he lives so far away. I truly think it was just like a one night stand. And then, I mean, maybe if he like comes to LA

fuck him again he's so hot well I think that's good we sometimes ascribe a lot of value on duration where it's like something's only good because it's long but it's like a good one night stand is as good as anything else I truly think cause like a lot of times people cause when you think about

the opposite it's like you know lots of relationships that people have been something for way too long where you're like, what the fuck are you doing? So yeah, it was a nice- And you never know, life is long. Yeah, it's a nice encounter if he comes back in my life. That's cool. Malaysia?

Global warming? Oh, he'll be under soon. He's going to be moving to the States. Maybe. Thank you so much. 10 to 20, he's going to live mainland. Come on, come on. Get that dick, girl.

Thank you. Okay. Hi a 20. He's going to live mainland. Come, come. Get that dick, girl. Thank you. Okay. Hi, hi, hi. Hello. So this question is more so for a friend of mine. So she just did a... Don't look at me like that. Don't.

Like, I'm not here for that. So she just did a panel about sizism and being a woman of color. Okay, please change that facial expression i this is just my face how dare um yeah and she killed it and is getting like a lot of traction online but it's getting the same amount of trolls yeah um and i got a text from her that said maybe i'm too sensitive to be an activist um and i asked her if I could ask this question, and she was like, yes, please do. And is looking for some advice.

Well, as a fat black bitch, I guess I love trolls. I really love that someone took the time to say something that they think is going to hurt my feelings. But like, I live my dreams. I'm doing what I love doing. And then it's like, maybe you're not having a good day. And that person is like not in a good place. So like them trying to tear me down makes them feel better so i always respond to them by being like i see you i hear you i hope that made you feel better and i think i've told this on the podcast i know but this dude dm'd me and was like you're not funny and i fucking hate

you and i was like i hope that made you feel better and he responded you know what i was having a really bad day i'm so sorry i took that out on you keep making people laugh but not me and i wow and snuck in a neg at the end never laughed harder than that man doubling down i'm like you're not funny but then he was also like you're a person yeah so like we got each other and it's and i don't have to be for everybody your friend doesn't have to fucking be for everybody. Yo, and it's usually the sign you're doing something right. Yes, if you're not for everybody. Yeah.

Also, I wrote a book about it. It's called Hashtag Very Fat, Hashtag Very Brave. The Fat Girl's Guide to Being Brave and Not a Melancholy Down in the Dumps. Dejected, weeping fat fat girl the title is too long and i've really boned myself with it yeah because i cannot remember it but yeah she's not for everybody and that's fine and like these people are thinking about her and she never once thought about them yes you win she has their money like your body is powerful if people want to talk about it. Yes. Can I give her handle? Is that cool?

It's Hakuna Makeda. You're a good friend. So follow Hakuna Makeda on Twitter. Yeah, comment a bunch of nice fucking shit. I love that. It's a very RuPaul esque plug. Yeah. Ru always says it twice in case you missed it the first time. Okay, what's

that? What's your question? We got to power through this. We got a lot of questions. Okay, cool. What's your question? Hi, hi, hi. Hello, hello, hello. Okay, okay. My mom's dead too.

I feel that. So my question was, Nicole, how do you shave your vagina? Is it a straight thing? Is it a... I think it's how I personally shave my vagina. I want to know. I'll field this one because I actually do the shaving. People don't know this, but I'm hired to be Nicole's vagina shaver.

Nicole, tell me, is it a runway? Is it a side-by-side? Is it straight up? What's going on? Honestly, it's however I fucking feel. Half the time, it's only half done. I try to, like, get the... A little weed whack? I mean, I try to get the... A little weed whack?

I try to keep it neat. Here's what I shave. Any part that someone's going to put their mouth on. It should be all of it, right? I don't know how it works. I don't need you to fucking kiss my mom's pubis. What's that going to do? I'll stand down. This is not my area.

I was just asking. Yeah. Where is it? Like, where is it? It's like the lips. The fucking lips. So, I love that. What? This is the most personal question anyone's ever asked. This started as sort of a cosmetic question

and now it's fully like describes me how you'll eat your pussy. Tell me where. I want to know. It's a spotty shave. I'm not interested. I don't care. Hair is natural.

So it's slightly hairy. Thank you so much. Okay, I was also going to ask about the Malaysian man, but I have to ask you because you talked about being a bus driver, and I just became a bus driver last year, and I fucking lost my mind when you talked about that. I love buses. So what I have to ask you,

have you ever considered becoming a bus driver? Because that's a great way to meet men. Right now. They're fucking crazy. No. They're fucking, it's crazy. Right now, I don't think I'm into switch careers. You're deep into it.

I think I'm too deep in this one. Also, if it's your dream, go for it. But I feel like you're also living your dream out there. I am. This was my five-year-old dream. But maybe I would become a bus driver. Maybe you could just moonlight. Just like drive a bus on

Saturday. You don't have to do it like for a city municipality. Just buy a bus. You've got money. Drive around. Anybody want to ride? Maybe I will. Thank you so much. Maybe like where to? You'd be like we'll figure it out. We gotta get through these. Hi, hi, hi. Yeah, it's like 11. Okay, hi. Hi, Nicole. So you're one of my biggest inspirations and you're one of the reasons why I'm out we gotta get through these hi yeah we have to cut it off at some point okay hi hi nicole uh so

you're one of my biggest inspirations and you're one of the reasons why i'm trying to go into comedy and hell yeah um so hell yeah oddly specific question so you did an episode of your podcast where you talked about if you were to purge who you would kill and i fucking love the purge so your number two was a waiter? Yeah, Giordano's in Chicago. He did you dirty. But I was just wondering, who was number one on your list? No.

Because you go to jail if you kill a president. Oh wait, it's the purge. You go to jail if you kill anyone, Nicole, just before you do anything rash. It's not only a punishment for presidents. What, if I kill one of these people, I go to jail? Yeah.

Yeah, Nicole, you do. Pick someone out here and kill them and I go to jail? Nicole, there's a couple empty seats I'm seeing. Do you have any answers? I don't know

who my number one is anymore because I've been going to therapy and like, I've been like... But you're soon to quit because of this vibrator so maybe you're going to want to kill again. Hell yeah. I just cum so hard

I buy a gun. I don't know. I don't really have a number one right now. Progress. No. I talk about her so much. I hope it ends up in a special. Chris is this lady in Appleton, Wisconsin who acted so poorly at a show.

But truly, now I have a joke about it and I hope it ends up in a special and I really hope she sues me. Yeah, I don't have a number one right now. I don't have hate in my heart. Isn't that amazing? That's great to hear. It's like real hippy-dippy,

but I'm just really trying. Good. But thank you for your question. Okay, we got to power through. Hi. Hi. So as someone from Chicago, I'd like to apologize for whatever Girodano did to you. So I'm so sorry.

Thank you. Second of all, I just want to say, so you've been talking about Mr. 2020. I just wanted to ask, what are the three things that you hope for Mr. 2020 coming into your life that you would like? Okay. So I like this. 2020. I keep saying it's going to be my year. And again,

to go back to the earlier point, I agree. I like see it in the stars. Yes. And my grandmother used to say, baby, if you claim it, it's yours.

Yeah. And she would say it all the time. and I'd be like, shut up. But I've claimed it. So Mr. 2020, or Ms., I don't care. I think this person will be, like, kind, funny to me. They don't have to be, like, the life of the party, but, like, just funny to me. We tee-hee-hee together. And then attractive to me.

And treats me really well. And that's more than three things. But like a kind soul who's really great. I hope that for you. Thank you. It's going to happen. It is. 2020.

But you know what I think? Again, not to get back on that thing about chill, because I think you should never be chill. I mean, that's part of your thing. But isn't it sort of nice that because you know that it's going to happen? again not to get back on that thing about chill because i think you should never be chill i mean that's part of your thing but isn't it sort of nice that because you know that it's gonna like it's gonna happen it's like it's gonna happen yeah it's already in the universe i'm not worried so it's like whatever just bring it okay what's your question hi hi nicole thank you so much for coming to boston um i'm here with my roommate and we love your podcast we've had a lot of threesomes together very inspired

yeah so I don't have a big black dick but I do have a big black dildo and I would love to buy you a drink after the show oh that's my question would you want to get a drink after the show I would but I have a very early flight tomorrow I have to go back to LA

to like work okay I would, but I have a very early flight tomorrow. I have to go back to LA to work. Okay, thank you. Well, I have to record three more episodes of this podcast you people want to listen to. So I won't. Yeah, it's your fault she can't get a drink with you. If you'd all turn on her already, she'd be out here begging you for drinks.

But thank you for the offer. I do have to decline. I apologize. Thank for drinks but thank you for the offer i do have to decline i apologize but thank you hi hi hi hi nicole um thanks for being an inspiration um me and you're welcome man my friend we started um a podcast called to all the fuck boys i fucked before called To All The Fuck Boys I Fucked Before because you inspired it. And our question was, what would you do if a guy stabbed you with his dick in the leg like an EpiPen? Because this happened to my friend.

It happened to you? It happened to my friend. And we have an episode on this and we can't figure it out. Do we think, did he he miss what again men are dumb yeah i truly don't understand how that happened he was like moaning from it you're back he was moaning from it like he got off on it he was like oh yeah this leg fuck and i was like what are you doing he said this leg yeah so he knew what he was doing so i mean he might have been christian is my guess honestly you

they'll find a way to get around a lot of rules this isn't sex right you know i mean i guess we're virgins i guess if they got off doing that i I'd be like, well, that's my boyfriend. He won't fuck me. He just stabs me with his dick. I mean, I don't want to kink shame. I mean, if that's his kink, then let him stab. Yeah. But honestly, strange.

Thank you. Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. Oh my gosh, hello. Hi, Nicole, I love you so much. I'm taking a poll class soon. Hell yeah. Thank you. And my question for you is,

would you ever have a fan on your show? If they had a super interesting story, like you were really into it, and you were like, I need to have you. Honestly, no. And I'll explain it to you it's because sometimes people who don't perform don't perform do you understand what i'm saying yeah when you it's like when i host nailed it we shoot for 10 hours we whittle it down to 30 minutes and half the times I ask people questions and they're like and you're like you can just answer the cameras aren't gonna hurt you it's fine so honestly that would be the reason why I wouldn't do it because I think it would just be more work with not much of a payoff if that makes any sense.

Not to be rude. No, no, no, you're straight up. Yeah, I understand. Okay, thank you. You're welcome. It's a shitty answer, and I'm really sorry. I mean, she did get, she will be in the show. She's in the show right now, that fan.

So, I mean, it did happen to you. Yeah, that's how I get people who are non-performers on, by letting them ask questions. And some of them will ask you how you shave your pussy hello all right hello hi nicole love you so much um so my birthday is a week from today but i want to know what your best birthday sexcapade has been? If you've had one, honestly, because like I barely have. I don't know if I've ever had sex on my birthday.

Yeah, I don't know if I have either. I feel like everyone always wants that and loves it but like, I've only had it once from someone I didn't really know. I'm trying to think. I'm usually like shit-faced on my birthday. Yeah, I don't think I've ever been sober enough to consent to sex on my birthday. Yeah, I don't think I've ever had, I don't think I've ever been sober enough to consent

to sex on my birthday. Which is a win. Huh? No, no. You haven't? You thought I was like, I was raped on my birthday! What? No, like

sober enough to consent, like I've never had sex on my birthday. That might have said a lot about me then what I said that might have said a lot about me then we don't have time to unpack that just kidding okay um but side note did you know that Guy Fieri opened a restaurant in Boston? People keep telling me, and I didn't fly in early enough to make it, because I was really hungover, and I changed my flight to later. Oh. It was bad.

I drank maybe 1,000 drinks last night. Yeah. Thank you so much. Thank you. Okay. Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. Hello. This question is for both of you.

Hell yeah. So you're having sex. It's good. You've had your fill. They keep going. How do you end it gracefully? So you're what a way to say that you've had your fill i love that because i'm like did he like come in you and fill you up and like keep stroking no no no you've come already or you've just had enough you've either you've come or you've just had enough. And then they keep going? And then they're just like, so my tactic is always to be like, oh, come inside me.

Yes. Usually it's like that. Can I ask, do you have sex with men? Mostly. Men are fucking stupid. So I do think at that moment you should be like, oh, I want you to come right now. And they'll be like, yeah. Like, oh, come right now.

Oh, it would be so hot if you come right now. I can gaslight them. Thursday sounds good. Be like, it would be so hot if you come right now. I can gaslight them. Thursday sounds good. Be like, it would be so hot if you come right now. Oh, come right now for me. Or you start sucking their dick, rub their taint, and jiggle their balls, and they'll come so hard. Or stick a finger right up their butt. Oh, yeah, finger their asses because they never know.

And then they're like, wait, what? Yeah. They don't know that it's like a secret, that it's like a full cheat code. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Okay, last question.

A lot of pressure. Okay, so me and my roommate back there, she's great. We're both real hot on quitting our jobs and living our dream. And so when you said you're living your dream, we were like, oh my God, she's living her dream. We almost fainted back there. And so do you have any advice for, you know, taking risks, going for your dream? Cause it's scary. So if you have any advice for how you went about doing it? Um, I mean, go for it like a hundred percent. Like when I moved to LA,

I slept on a couch for a very long time, which was not ideal. Um, and then like when I moved to LA I slept on a couch for a very long time which was not ideal um and then like when I lived in New York uh it was very expensive to live in New York so it was like me and like six people in a five-bedroom apartment but we were like all squished up with one bathroom so like I would just make concessions in my life to make it more affordable to be able to do the things I wanted to do so like I had a day job where I was a nanny and doing shows at night, and then I was a secretary as well. A very bad one. UCB were like, my boss Eric.

I loved when you worked the front desk. I have fond memories of coming in at UCB and you working the front desk and being like, hey, I have a room reserved. You'd be like, yeah, I don't know. You'd be like, I think I'm here for rehearsal. You'd be like, yeah, I don't know. I'd be like, I think I'm here for rehearsal. You'd be like, who knows? I'd be like, you should. Who would ever know? One time Eric was like,

can you fax this? And I was like, I don't know how. He's like, do you want me to show you? And I said, no. And nobody ever fired me. Of course not. Eric, he would never fire you. No, he was too nice to be like, you're useless. But, um, yeah, I just, like, made a lot of concessions

in my life in order to do what I wanted to do. And then sometimes you just kind of have to, like, be okay not knowing what's going to happen. Yes, and don't judge yourself for the bullshit you have to do. Because a lot of times you're like, I'm going to quit my job and make it happen, and three months later you're like, oh, no. Because it takes a while, and you're like, oh, I have to find

a gig. Fine, find some shitty job that makes you money and do what you love around it and don't hate yourself because you have to work a little yeah and like flexible jobs are cool like nannying was pretty flex for me because uh they knew I was a performer and they would they would like adjust their schedules with me which was like really kind of them um and then like I was a waitress for a while and like you can trade shifts and shit and that's the easy way to make fast money don't forget you do not know the timeline the only way you quit is you fail you just have to like wait it out that's what i truly believe yeah because you pretend that you think like this will happen in six months it's like sometimes it'll be 18 months or two

months you just don't know you don't know so i say jump in the fucking deep end you know how to swim so do it and if you don't know how to swim a whale will come and save you I don't know no that's beautiful advice something will happen you're not going to just drown but you might thank you so much thank you thank you guys so much for coming out

truly thank you so much I really appreciate it and if you like this episode of why won't you date me um you can subscribe and if you send me something nasty i will read it so here we go. Let me find one. I want to get your wigs and use them to sop up that sweet pussy juice. Wow. Honestly, rude. Rude. Why use my wig?

Then dry them out so they're nice and crispy. Wigs aren't supposed to be crispy. And wear them while I eat your fat ass. supposed to be crispy. And wear them while I eat your fat ass. In the motion of chowing down, the dried pussy juice gonna flake off like pussy dandruff. I'll carry on eating

your ass and treat that dandruff like it sprinkles on ice cream sundae. Have an amazing weekend. Have an amazing weekend. Honestly, that one was almost as bad as this man who said he wanted to put me upside down and fill me with clam chowder. That one haunts me. Can I read one?

Is there one I can read? Yes. So just start it if I, that sentence, if I. If I had one night with you, I would stand over you on the bed and slowly drool a massive loogie down into your mouth then sit on your face and let you spit it all back into my hot juicy pussy while I ride your noise noise while I ride your noise like a pony then use it as glaze for the cake donuts we share while sitting buck naked i gotta say people are getting they hated that read of it and i understand why they would

you gotta read it just like teehee isn't this a good time otherwise if you try to make it sexy and people are talking about crusty pussy you're like this is gross you're right can i have another chance to take that note i won't read this no because we've been here for too long wait okay so this lady has a question for me she goes i have a larger booty my partner likes to play with my cheeks and uh love love them around while we're doing it doggy style even even though I make sure I'm clean, he smells of poop. Any advice on how to make sure that doesn't happen? I don't mean to yell at this nice person who sent me that message,

but like, I don't have any advice. I don't have any advice there. Does anyone here have any advice? No? Enema. Seltzer. That was funny funny seltzer was good thank you guys so much for coming out have a good evening bye-bye okay this is the clip from the episode with j Sharp that's never going to air, but it's where I speak to a man I've hooked up with and I discover him in the audience.

It is pretty wild. I like a little butt play. Me too. I think it's fun. Oh, boy. What a fun conversation. What? We've got an audience member who eats ass.

This is a man I fucked. You had sex with him? Yes. Why is he not the guest! You had sex with him? Yes! Why is he not the guest? Yes! How wild! I love that. This is the wildest thing in the world!

Did you know she was going to be here or this is random? Oh my god! How are you? Wait, come here! What a handsome gentleman. This is... Okay, how are you? I'm great.

How have you been? This is so appropriate. I've been good. We've... Seven years ago? A minute. It's been a minute. It's been? This is so appropriate. I've been good. Seven years ago? A minute. It's been a minute. It's been a minute.

It's been a very long time. Did you know I was going to be here? Wait, give me this. Hey, how's it going? So, okay. What a coincidence. I don't know if this is a coincidence. I mean, I didn't plan this.

You didn't know I was going to be here? Of course not. This is so wild. This is... Okay, do you still live in Harlem? But of course, I mean, we're in Harlem now. Okay, introduce yourself to my listeners because I'm releasing this episode

as an episode of my podcast. What's good, Harlem? It's Mr. Kof. an episode of my podcast. You told me. So, please. What's good, Harlem? It's Mr. Cove. So, out here with the big buyers. Okay. So, we met at a bar

on 125th? Yeah, something like that. And then, then we fucked three times and then I never saw you again. Yeah, such is life. Your answer is such is life? I mean, as it should be, right?

No. The next time I saw you, I was watching it on TV. So, hey. I know. Joke's on you. So, why didn't we fuck a fourth time? I think you moved. You used to live on top of the liquor store.

Yeah, but I lived, no, I lived there for so much longer after that. So why didn't you date me? Did you like it? Did you like it? Pussy was good. Oh boy. Yummy. good oh boy yummy an old white woman who's not pleased with this conversation she really was like this can't be the last thing i hear before i pass away uh okay well thank you That's a very nice review. This woman is floored.

This woman, her whole life is shook. She is holding on for dear life. This is honestly the wildest thing that's ever happened to me. But Nicole, that's not true because, you know, I bumped into you a couple of times before you shot out to L.A. Yes. And went to. But you didn't. When you were doing Upright Citizens Brigade. Yes, but you didn't

attempt to, like, hook up again. Why? What? Well, I mean, I think you were involved at that time, right? Sure haven't been involved.

I've never had a boyfriend. This is all on you. Oh, so it's my fault. Yes, this is your fault. Well, there's no time like the present. We can change that. All right.

Well, I still have the same number. So just. Well, I don't. But we'll definitely keep in touch. OK, perfect. Well, I have to continue my podcast. OK. Thank you.

Thank you very much. By the way, I'm Josh. This is Josh. Nice to meet you. I love this. Oh my God. That was worth the whole rest of this. This has been a Team Coco production.