Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Saying Yes to the Dress (w/ Megan Gailey)

Episode Date: April 10, 2020

Comedian Megan Gailey (Conan, Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon) chats with Nicole about life as a newlywed in quarantine, the horrors of wedding dress shopping, and the freaks using dating apps right now. Plus, how early is it acceptable to start drinking? Quarantine is causing crazies.For more Nicole Byer, check out her new podcast - Newcomers! Her and Lauren Lapkus are watching and reviewing Star Wars films for the very first time. Subscribe today so you don't miss an episode.Rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a dirty comment for a chance to have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyBuy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964Pre-order Nicole's new book: www.indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh boy, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? The podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though if you took me to a grocery store and left me there with no means to get home with this coronavirus, I would still date you. Oh boy.

My guest today is, you've seen her on Conan. You've seen her on Ladylike. You've seen her at At Midnight. You've seen her on The Tonight Show. You've seen her out on Lights Out with David Spain. It's Megan Gailey. Wow. Wow, wow, wow.

Oh my God. I almost burst through my own wall. I love it. Just like the Kool-Aid man. Oh yeah. We had a little bit of, well, we didn't. I had a technical difficulty up top and it gave me time to make myself a tall glass of sangria. Oh, what a treat. I have been starting drinking at like 4 p.m. every single day. Yeah. Yeah. I one day I was 1 p.m. And then I was like, that can't continue to happen.

So I have been trying to wait till like four or five. But I will start smoking weed any any hour, any hour. See, OK, I I don't even know what day this was because they're all fucking blending together. But I ate an edible at like noon. And then at like one, I was like, oh, I'm hungry. So then I started eating and then I kept eating. And then by the fourth trip to the kitchen within like two hours, I was like, oh, I can't do this. So then I took a nap to stop eating.

But then you wake up and you go, oh, okay. We're still locked in our house. And then I was like, well, I guess I better eat dinner. Yes, you need your meals. Because you know what's important, Nicole? You need to stay healthy. Yes, I need to stay healthy. So I have to keep eating. Yes, exactly. That's how we, that's how we can help. But also I am going through wine. Like it's my job. Yeah. Well on St. Patrick's day, I go, I'm going to do whiskey just to switch it up, you know, to honor the relatives. And just because the wine I've been drinking red wine, which I don't usually do, but I feel like I'm doing that because once I get to the

white wine, it's all it's, I mean, it's downhill from there. Oh, white wine goes down so easy. So nice. I drink Joel got Sauvignon Blanc and I, I can drink like three bottles and not have a hangover. I love it. So good. I'm like, I'm like experimenting with cocktails, but I'm really just putting things that like shouldn't be together together. I'm not like making anything with egg whites, just mixing things that aren't, aren't a good pair. Well, I think I'm going to go to, I don't, are liquor stores still open? That's essential. I don't, are liquor stores still open? That's essential. So I know weed shops are still open and then I've heard liquor stores are still open and that a lot of liquor stores are doing delivery right now. Ah, okay. Because I think I'm going to get into

like, I like a martini, but do I have vermouth in my house? I don't think so. So I think I'm going to like get into like being an artisanal cocktail maker. think so. So I think I'm going to get into like being an artisanal cocktail maker. I would, but that's, see, I'm feeling pressure because everyone's like, everyone needs to have like a new hobby or skill and that can be yours. I have not found mine yet. You don't have a hobby or a skill? Yes, you do. I don't have a new one. Oh, okay. Well, I've been doing yoga. This nice white lady tells me how to breathe and to tuck my pelvis and keep my core in and my belly button to spine. And that's been pretty interesting. I feel like my body is like doing better. But you know what? Who knows? I haven't been out in the world in days. I think yoga would be a great, yoga is definitely going to be on like the family feud board of like top hobbies learned during the quarantine.

That's so funny because that is going to be a question on family feud. Like you are going to be, you are in good company, you know, like heroin may also be up there, but yoga is for sure. Like knitting. Everyone I know is like,

I made it to Joey on fabrics right before they closed. It's like, well, good for you. That's very fucking funny. I think you'll find a hobby. I also. I think so. You know what? Don't fucking worry.

I'm hoping that we are not quarantined long enough to like actually excel and learn hobbies. Also, I've donated to like so many GoFundMes because like our government is bad. Yeah. It's very frightening now to be like, we are now crowdsourcing this country. Yes. It's fucking nuts. Yeah. My God, Megan.

And like I always think about like, you know, there's this huge thing with athletes and like LeBron talks about all the time. It's called like shut up and dribble. Like they're always like these far right wing lunatics are like, just be an athlete. Shut up. And that's what they, but it's like athletes actually, they, I, they are better leaders than you are. Like LeBron says says something i'm like okay

then it's happening lebron has a whole fucking school yes lebron built a school in his um hometown which is fucking bananas that like our government can't oh it's exhausting to think about and and it's funny too because everyone in ohio was so mad at him when he went to Miami and then he came back and they were less mad at him. But he's like, I built you guys a school. People burned his jerseys and then he's like, would your children like to learn? People are so fucking wild. It makes zero sense.

Megan, so you're recently married. Yeah. What a time. Congratulations. Yeah. What a time. Wow. What a really great time to be a newlywed. Did you get to go on your honeymoon before Corona? We did.

We went on our honeymoon right after. You know, like we're in a 1950s movie. So like immediately after your wedding, you went on your honeymoon? We came back home for a day and then we went on our honeymoon. Yeah. That's so fucking cute. Where'd you go? We went to Maui.

Oh, that's nice. And then we were going to go to Italy in the fall. I don't think that's going to happen, but someday, someday it will. Someday it will. Someday it'll be better. I truly was like, was in italy in december did i get corona and am i fine i'm hoping i have it that i already had it that i already had it and i was one of those people that like nothing happened to and then you didn't pass it to anybody

what happens right after you have it well someone was telling me then you're, well, that's, of course, someone was telling me, like, I haven't read like an actual article. Me either, but like people keep telling me you're immune after you're done with it. Oh, I don't know. I heard you weren't. But I also, I have, I know people in my life that are texting me being like, I'm immune. I've been taking da, da, da, da, da. It's like like i think we

need to fact check a little more intensely it's it's so wild that like you can't just like go to like you can't just like look oh i guess i could go to the cdc website or like the world health organization i don't know i guess i'll do that who i could go to who i go to who? I go to who? So, okay. So you're not going to go to Italy this fall. No, but yeah, we got married in December. That's so cute. I think I saw you before you got married at JFL. Yeah. And you were like, getting married is stressful. Yeah, it is. It for sure is. And everyone warns you of that. And there's definitely a spectrum. But if no one, no bride has ever been like, no, everything was great. Not one. Like that person doesn't exist, I don't think. How was it to find your dress? So like you said yes to the dress, obviously. How many dresses did you try on before you were like this? I'm a queen.

Yeah. So we we got engaged in my hometown of Indianapolis. And then I, of course, got blackout drunk and puked in my parents bed. Why were you in your parents bed? Well, not in my parents bed, like in the bed that's at my parents house. OK, so like I didn't puke in their bed. I just puked in a bed they own. Okay. So I puked in their bed. And then, of course, 8 a.m., my mom's like, Honey, bride-to-be, pretty girl,

I need us a 10 a.m. dress appointment. Oh, no. But at least you were at your thinnest. Absolutely. Oh, boy. People are going to hate that joke. I'll apologize now for it. I'm sorry.

I will not. Because that's exactly what I thought. I go, well, it's going to be tight, you know. So we go. I tried them on there and I just wasn't. I didn't like click. It just didn't feel real yet. It felt really silly.

And so when I got back to L. I went, um, maybe like a month later. Cause I remember my mom came out and there were specific places that I wanted to go. And you, I got very tired of it pretty quickly. Like, you know, if a place didn't have champagne, I was like, why are we staying? Listen, I've been told there are secret rooms. Like, why am I just sitting out here? I probably only went like four places and I tried my dress on when my mom was in town and then went and tried it on again and brought different friends and just like really loved it and felt good in it. And then I never had any like buyer's remorse. Like I wish I'd gotten this one. Like I still really love it and I'm happy I wore it.

Do you still have your dress or did you like donate it? Okay. So I still have it, but on the night of the wedding, I definitely left it next to the hot tub. Oh my God. I fucking love you. Like walked out of it. I mean, around lots of people, not just my husband. I was fully nude in nude Spanx in front of all of my friends. And so my friend Jackie had to go get it for me. And now it is like crumpled in a closet and I need to get it like steamed and fixed or whatever, but I can't now for the foreseeable future so it's just

it's and and there's cake inside of it oh boy they smash cake in my face um the dress looks bad for sure but that zero anglin said that's the sign of a fun wedding i i love it I fucking love it. How did CJ propose to you? CJ, about two weeks before we got engaged, told me my mom sent him a ring that was too expensive. You know, the classic way you get engaged. And then and then so we sort of, you know, we had like a, a panic, um, session about life. And then two weeks later, he had had the wheels sort of already in motion. We were in Indianapolis for Thanksgiving. So I was with all of my family. And then he took me downtown Indianapolis in front of a mural of Reggie Miller, who is a Pacers player and the mural had like just been completed and

I had never been to it and TJ doesn't know Indianapolis so he didn't know that it's like right across from the prison so he like sort of half bent down but he has bad knees and kind of like proposed oh my god I fucking love this i truly

hope a prisoner was looking out the window being like what the fuck is happening they absolutely it's one of those um like county jails where the they like put their arms out oh my god like arms hanging out oh this is a fucking treat and then a photographer he had hired a photographer this really sweet boy he popped out of nowhere and I didn't know who he was so I was like who the fuck are you you know like I know we have a we're carrying some cash on my hand now and then but I've never

seen those photos of me yelling at him which I would love to and then we went back to my parents house and CJ had flown in his whole family to meet my whole family. And then we went to a restaurant that's like across the street and my parents had like organized this fun dinner in the back room there. That's really, that's so lovely. What a dream. I fucking love that.

It was really fun. And yeah, I just got so drunk. Oh, and then the next day was my parents 40th wedding anniversary oh my god which is crazy that is crazy i like that your mom was chill and wasn't like you're trying to steal my shine no no no no no oh no my mom was like let me get in that shine with you oh my god that's adorable i it. Wait, how long did you and CJ date before you got engaged? We dated three years. Oh, that's a nice juicy long time. I think three years. Yeah. I feel like three. Yeah. Three. We knew each other for eight years before we started dating. Oh yeah. Through comedy? Yeah. When? Okay. So who asked who out in the beginning of your relationship? Okay. So CJ and I, since we were friends, I think for a little bit, we were like tiptoeing towards that. Um, but neither one of us knew how to initiate it. Um, and I kind of, it like

clicked for me right after the election, which is like great because right after the election, I was like, I'm not going to have sex with a white man and like that. I did that, you know, he's Filipino. So I really stuck to my word. Um, but yeah, I came back, I was in Scottsdale, Arizona, like three days after the election doing shows, which is truly the worst place you could be. Oh yeah. So I got back and then CJ was visiting LA from New York

and I'm like, come over. We're watching football and drinking and smoking. So we came over and we hung out the whole day. And then when he left, I thought we were going to make out. And I was like, what the fuck is happening? And we didn't. And then I went back inside and like said to my roommate at the time, I was like, I think I like CJ. And she was like, yeah, you have not talked to anyone in hours. Oh.

And so he came over. I asked him if he wanted to come over one of the nights. And I said, bring weed. And he came over at midnight and he stayed till 4 a.m. and nothing happened. And I was very bummed. And then he came and met me at a show two nights later. And we were both like actively getting drunk in front of each other just to like get up the will to be able to do it. And then we got really drunk and had sex. I love it. A love story for the ages. Yeah. And I got so drunk. This is bad. If anyone listening to this podcast, I'm like,

this girl needs help. I slept through my alarm the next morning and a bunch of people were looking for me because I was supposed to be on a scouting shoot. Oh my God. So people were texting CJ like, where is Megan? You were the last person to see her alive. Everyone thought he had murdered me. Instead, you're like, I'm going to marry him. Yeah. I didn't know it then. I just was like, well, this is weird. And then I went back to LA and then he kept coming to see me. I love it., well, this is weird. And then I and then I went back to L.A. and then he kept coming to see me. I love it. So you've lived in Chicago and New York and L.A. Yeah. Which place is easier for dating? I think L.A. is the hardest. And I think New York. I had a boyfriend the whole time I was in New York and I did think about cheating on him a lot. And I think New York, I had a boyfriend the whole time I was in New York

and I did think about cheating on him a lot. So I feel like that felt like a good vibe there. Chicago was amazing for dating though, just because I was young there though. And Chicago is such a drinking and social place. But New York is to some extent too. but New York is to some extent too. I just, I, I think, I think Chicago in some ways. I wonder if you think Chicago because you were younger in Chicago. I think New York is easier than LA because I was younger in New York. Yeah. I just think of LA as like the place where people come, like when they're established. And a lot of that establishment is like everyone is in couples here. Yes. It's so depressing. It's like, it's not like LA people are like, no, I'm focusing on work and the grind. They're just already with someone.

Yeah. Is sort of the drawback here. Yeah. I guess I have to move back to New York. No, but you know, when I first moved here, I was like newly single. God, I hope CJ can't hear this. And I was such a slut when I first moved here, I was like newly single. God, I hope CJ can't hear this. And I was such a slut when I first moved here. LA's actually a really good place to be a slut, I think. But like where? I'm whispering like someone's listening to me. Where did you go?

How were you slutty? Teach me your ways. I mean, I guess I was just going to like comedy festivals. And then like just hooking up with like comedians or agents. So, yeah, this is bad advice. Don't do that. Either of those things. Yeah, I don't think I will.

Megan, thank you so much for that advice. But I think I'm going to have to say no. Thank you. Yeah, because it's tough to find like the dream person in L.A. is someone who like gets what you do, but then is also passionate about what they do, but it's nothing like what you do, I think. I fully agree. And so for a lot of times, I've always heard, and I used to say too, I want to marry a chef. I'm going to be with a chef. I think we all thought that was cool. But it's like chefs are like actually more narcissistic than we are. And two narcissists together is tough, I think.

Wait, do you really think a chef is more narcissistic than an actor or a comic? Why do you think that? Just because I think they, well, I think they tend to like drink and do drugs more than comics do like comics in LA at least and actors are very vain and so they're very like vain about what they look like and how they present themselves to the world but I think of chefs is like I know everything try. You think I just know about butter? Fuck you. I am an encyclopedia of bullshit. Like, they just are, it's not a

God complex, but it is like this arrogant, like, my knuckles are tattooed. And it's like, okay. This is a truly wild theory, and I fucking love it. They're just so intense. Have you dated a chef? No, but I always wanted to. Maybe this is why I'm so angry with them. Well, we have to take a break.

And now we're back. Awesome. Okay. So do you remember how old you were when you first got a boyfriend? Oh, it was like, I had like a fake boyfriend in sixth grade. I don't really, I did not have boyfriends really until my adult, until my adulthood. Okay. So no high school boyfriend. Did you go to college? I don't even know. I went to college. I guess technically I did have boyfriends in college. I dated a football player and then I dated a frat boy. Were you in a sorority? I was in a sorority. Which one? I was a Chi Omega. Oh, I've never even heard of that one. Yeah. Well, at one point, I think it was like the second largest women's

organization behind the Girl Scouts of America. Oh, damn. But it, you know, sororities aren't every, they're not at every school. And then they're also like different everywhere. But I desperately always wanted a boyfriend. I always, like in middle school, I hung a lot, I almost said I hung out with a lot of older people but I mean like my I mean like my parents friends yes I hung out with my parents and their friends they would always be like when you get to high school boys are gonna love you and then I got to high school and that didn't happen and then same thing for me yeah my uncle was like you're gonna be a heartbreaker once that baby fat melts off and you get to high school.

And then the baby fat didn't melt off and nobody wanted to fucking date me. Yeah. I think there is this thing with girls, especially girls that are in like their adolescence where it's like, if you're, if you seem outgoing, then older people are like, oh, you're someone's going to like you. And it's like, no, people my age are terrified of me. Yeah, I think so. They think I'm weird and loud. I recently had a dude, I went to middle school and maybe it was high school. Maybe it was just middle school. I don't know. But I had a huge crush on him. And he recently just DM'd me on Instagram and was like, do you remember me? Wow, I'm so proud of you. And I was like, do I answer this

man back? He never gave me the time of day in school. Well, and even him saying like do you remember me? Given that he never gave you the time of day means he knows you remember him. You know, like I think that's twisted. It's like he probably knows you

had a crush on him and was like, do you remember? Because like a grown man would never put their ego on the line like that for like a famous woman to be like, no, I don't fucking know you. Megan, you are so smart. I'm so glad I didn't say anything. Yeah. Or you could say to him, no, I don't remember you. I go through all my DMS and I just just I'm answering this particular one to let you know that I don't fucking know who you are. You also age like a piece of bread with mayonnaise on it. Yeah. He looks disgusting. Are there any people that have like reached out to you from high school, middle school that have been like, I had a crush on you?

Not one person. I honestly, I've posted. Me either. I don't know why I said why. Me either. Well, I posted like old like pictures of me from high school. Like I was not cute. I had terrible acne. I would wear the work, like my mom died when I was 16 and she didn't let me wear makeup. But after she died, I was like, guess who't let me wear makeup but after she died I was like guess who's going to the clinic counter and it's Nicole Byer I don't have a mom and I'm buying blue eyeshadow so I would like just fucking garage door it on my lids like it just wasn't cute I looked bad at all like my hair weaves were fucked up good who looked good? I guess looking back, nobody really did, but like tons of people had partner or not partners, boyfriends or whatever and girlfriends.

Of course. Of course. I always like it was, it made me feel so self-conscious and so bad when I was younger to not have a boyfriend that I had to truly like make it like, oh, I'm smart. Like I had to like invent these things. Well, I would always just be like, well, I'm funny. Yeah. Yeah. Boys are scared of me. Yeah. Boys are scared of me.

They're scared because I'm funny. And honestly, they maybe were, but it really, yeah, it really like cut me to my, I would, I would hang out with my brother's girlfriends a lot. My brothers are four and seven years older than me. And so these girls were like much older than me. And most of my conversations with them would them be being like, you're going to be okay. It's good. You're going to be fine. That's so funny. You're going to be fine. Chill out. Don't worry.

I've gotten a lot of DMs post wedding of people that I have not talked to in decades being like, I'm really happy for you. Oh my God. I mean, the day I finally get a boyfriend, so many people are going to be like, I was rooting for you. Yeah, absolutely. Every time I date a man, I always want to be like, I don't think you understand how many people want this to work. Not just me. Yeah. We have an audience.

Yeah. I have a fucking audience. People are into it. And well, and so I was a hoe. I was like a big hoe from like 18 on. And so I think that is people are happy when a hoe gets married, too. people are happy when a hoe gets married too. Yes, because there's an iconic phrase that I believe Dr. Dre says where he says, you can't make a hoe a housewife, but you are a exception to the rule. You got married. Yes. Right after CJ proposed to me, I took a picture of my engagement

ring and tweeted, I guess you can make a hoe a housewife. And then I guess it was a slow news day. The next day, my hometown newspaper printed it in an online story. Wait, really, Megan? That is fucking funny. What a fucking treat. We got since we got engaged in front of that Reggie mural when we put it on Facebook, when we put it on Instagram, Reggie Miller commented. And Reggie and I have chatted before. So he commented. He was like, I bless in thee, which is not a phrase, but I bless in thee. And so then the newspaper picked that up, that Reggie blesses couple.

But as reference of us being engaged, they put my tweet where I called myself a hoe. Oh my God. Honestly, you're iconic. That's legendary. I fucking love it. I feel like truly honored. Truly honored.

You should. That's honestly the funniest thing that could possibly happen to a comedian. Yeah. It's so fucking funny. Here's a question. I don't think I've ever asked anybody this. How did you decide who's going to be your best honor? No, wait, what? Fuck, there's a best maid of honor. Oh my God. Maid of honor. I've been a maid of honor and I cannot believe I forgot what that was. How did you choose your maid of honor?

I forgot what that was. How did you choose your maid of honor? So I have two best friends from growing up, like known them almost my whole life. And one is married and one is not. And so that slotted really nicely into maid and matron of honor. Ah, yeah. What's a mate? A matron of honor is like a married friend, a married friend. Yeah, yeah i know it's really sad it's i mean and like we didn't do programs you know but people are definitely like listed as a matron in people's program yeah because for a while i was like maybe i'll just have my mom and everyone was like you're not a loser don't do that you fucking have friends don't let your mom be your fucking matron of honor come on you have friends people will be freaked out for your dresses did you make them choose like different dresses or was it one dress that everyone had to wear no so i told them honestly

they could get anything they wanted as long it was as long as it was like somewhere in the shades of pink. I like that. I think like people showing off their personalities, real cute. I don't like a matchy matchy dress. Right. So one of my girl, like my maid of honor, she wore a jumpsuit. Lisa Traeger, she was a bridesmaid. She wore like a little like skimpy short sequined number.

They could really do whatever they want. And what was everyone looks so beautiful. I love that. I thought that's cute. But one of my matron of honor, she took her dress in to be altered. Now, this is a dress she has picked. And the alterations woman goes, wow, I guess the bride really hates you. Oh, my God.

That is. Well, now I want to see a picture of this dress. I'll send you it. I mean, when I went in for my first alteration and you like when you're getting married, you're pretty, you're keeping it pretty tight. You know, you're definitely trying. And there was one part of my body, my like lower stomach that I was feeling very, very self-conscious about because of the dress I had. And the alterations woman like walked around me, patted my stomach right where I felt bad and goes, you've got time if you want to do something. Oh, my God. That is so wild.

I didn't realize that happened to thin people. Yeah. that happen to thin people. Yeah. So my mom and Lisa were with me and I look at my head, of course, snaps up and I catch both of their eyes, which both of their heads have snapped up. And the three of us are just making a Bermuda triangle of like, what do we... It made us all feel so uncomfortable that no one said anything. And then afterwards, Lisa's like, I should have said something. My mom's like, no, I should have said something like everybody was so. And I'm like, I think it's listen. She was telling me some hard truth and I did have some time and I did fix it.

Well, there you go. I guess sometimes you just need someone to to let you know what's up. Oh, but that's so awful. Did you in front of people? Yeah, it really, it like, it shook me for sure. And then whenever I would tell someone, like Lisa told everybody, and then whenever I would tell someone, they'd be like, well, was she thin? It's like, no, of course not. No, she's in the bridal dress business, but also- Yeah, they're not not gonna let stick thin women do alterations that's like that's a fucking black mirror episode but also what a perfect way to get more business

you do your fitting and then you go oh you have time to fix it and then you have to do another like alteration on it yeah yeah well they start they there's all these crazy things. If you like, they measure you every time you go in and if you have gained or lost like too much, then you're like charged extra. Wait, really? I think because it's like within two, I don't know how much it is, two inches. That seems like a lot within something they're like, yeah, that's like typical labor that we would have to use. But if you lose too much and then they're having to work extra, then they're like, that costs more. Oh, that's so wild to be penalized for losing weight. I know. Or gaining weight. But I guess that's the actual world we live in.

But now, I mean, now I've just been married and I'm locked in my house for months. So it's like, who knows what I'll look like? Honestly, I can't wait to see everybody out of quarantine because I feel like you're going to see your friends for the first time in like a month or two. And you're going to have to like not like have a neutral face for some friends who've either lost weight or gained weight. Not that like you should be judging their bodies, but like that's just a natural human reaction to be like, Jesus Christ, you look different. But we we're just gonna have to be very neutral and be like it's good

to see you you look the same you look alive you look like you've been thriving you're gonna have you've been thriving in in quarantine maybe you've been thriving just a little too hard. But that's okay. It's okay. Don't worry about it. Yep, yep, yep. You're fine. Really?

I'm really bad at telling when people gain weight. I'm really good at telling when people lose weight or got a haircut. I had a friend who had gained i guess like 40 pounds and every time i saw her i was like you look so good like she just carried it really well and like her curves like filled out and she looked okay like juicy and voluptuous and i like couldn't put my finger on it and then she finally was like i gained 40 pounds and i was like oh um my finger on it and then she finally was like i gained 40 pounds and i was like oh um i you're like i love it i was like i maintain the compliment i like it and she was like okay i'm just a little self-conscious about it you keep talking about it i was like i'm really sorry i just like couldn't

she looked amazing yeah i had a friend once who gained like around the same maybe 40 50 and i had i had been away with this person. Let's just say that. And I, when I came back, everyone was like, um, what happened? And I'm like, I don't, what are you talking about? And they're like, that is a very different person that, and I'm, and I had no idea. I had, I just, I thought she looked great. I think we're just really good friends maybe. And if you see someone often enough, it's hard to like. It's very hard. That's why this quarantine is going to be interesting because there's people were.

I mean, who's in your like crew? Who is in your like quarantine crew? Sashir, her man, my roommate, John Milhiser, John Milhiser, my roommate, his boyfriend, Jackson. And that's truly who I've seen in person in the last like five days. Who's in your quarantine group? My crew is my husband, CJ, and then Kara Clank. I love Kara. I really miss her. I mean, I get to we're going on walks and stay. And so I'm seeing Rosie, her baby. That's who I want to see. I know it's really hard, though, because you can't touch

the babies right now. And so the baby, I mean, Rosie, maybe it wasn't even I think she half reached for me. And I was like, she misses me. She can't be without me. But she, you know, there was like a dirty leaf she wanted to put in her mouth. So I'm seeing Kara,

Rosie. I saw Kara's husband, Jared. And then we have two other friends, but we're not seeing them right now. Like we saw them at the beginning. And so we're going to then wait a full two weeks and hopefully. That's what I'm doing with some other people.

Yeah. So really my crew right now is just my husband. It's so people. Yeah. So really my crew right now is just my husband. It's so wild. Yeah. It's a really, um, I, I just,

there are people that I'm thinking about. Like there were definitely people the night before this, like went to lockdown mode that were like, I want a divorce. And now they're just trapped together. Well, apparently there's someone we all now they're just trapped together. Well, apparently there's someone we all, maybe we don't know,

but, um, a friend of ours, I saw someone tweet about this. I saw someone tweet about this. And I was like, who is it? Is it one of our friends?

Yes. And then I also tweeted that I, I also tweeted that I have a friend who is about to have sex with a celebrity. And now that can't happen. And I will be glad to tell you that off air oh i cannot fucking wait i mean and it's like a fun it's like a feel-good one oh this is so this is just really ruining things it's just i know it's very inconvenient i can't say that enough this global pandemic is inconvenient for me uh so do like you are you see john and his boyfriend

every day yes that's a good crew it is nice do you do the apps so yes i'm on the apps but the thing about the apps right now is like i feel like everyone's kind of on hold on the apps because it's like what are we gonna do we're gonna talk for what two months a month I don't know how long this is gonna last so I was talking to this one guy who honestly seemed a little gay in his pictures but I was like gonna give him a chance and then corona hit and I was like you know what I don't have time well actually I have all the time in the world but like yeah but yeah you don't want to like have phone sex with him yeah I'm not trying to do that and I was like also I don't think I care about what his voice sounds like like I'm not

interested I was just talking to him because I was like kind of bored but like even though I'm more bored I'm like less interested in this person you're like you're not bored well and there's I feel like on the apps, there's people that like only like to talk for a long time. Yes. And it's like, well, you, you, you should not be rewarded right now. Those are the freaks. Those are the freaks.

But those are the freaks. That's like another reason why I'm just not answering anybody right now, because I'm like, what I do is I'll talk to someone. I give them like a week. If you don't ask me out within a week, I unmatch you or I put you. Yeah. A hundred percent. Like unhinge. You can like hide people or whatever. So like I'll hide them because they haven't asked me out or whatever. And I like move on. But I'm like, now you can't ask me out. Where are we going to go? but I'm like now I don't you can't ask me out where are we gonna go right we're gonna walk six feet apart on a walk that's that's insane I could never now are you you're on Raya I'm hoping well yes it took me two years to get on Raya I'm there Nicole you are like my niece and nephew are like you know Nicole like you are probably the most famous person I know to children

you should be Raya's thumbnail they would be lucky to have you thank you yeah it took a very long time and then also it's just truly filled with like Australian DJs and like models it's not a realistic place to like actually go on a date with somebody and i've said it on the podcast already i went out with someone who then asked me to read their script no no no no no i mean i've definitely gone out with people in la who have then asked me if they could open for me oh that is and i had i had to break the news to them of like, oh, I don't sell enough tickets to get to dictate who my opener is. You are barking up the wrong tree.

Truly the wrong tree. Wait, have you been touring a lot? I have. I really, I was gearing up for some. This summer and fall I was going to be but I have been I was writing a show and then I started working on a show and so I was mostly here oh I didn't know you were working on a show I haven't seen you truly in such a long time I know but you you I feel like I see you enough like social media for me to think that I'm seeing you but then

when I when you asked me to do this I was like I don't think I've talked to Nicole since I was since we got married for sure I think the last time we saw each other was JFL which was last summer yeah yes and it's also like that because for a while we used to see each other every single day oh baby if you want to see that you can watch MTV's Ladylike, which I don't know. Is it available anywhere? I don't know. I mean, in these times, make it available. Make it available for the people.

They want to see the script flipped on men. That show was wild. Sometimes I forget I was on that show. Does that happen to you? Someone will be talking about a prank show. I'm like, wow, prank shows. And then I go, oh, my God, I was on a prank show. Sometimes, someone will be talking about a prank show. I'm like, wow, prank shows. And then I go, oh my God, I was on a prank show. Sometimes that happens.

People will say a prank show and I'm like, oh, I would never. Oh, actually I did. I absolutely did. You and Blair were so good at just like going out and doing it. And I'd be like, I don't want this for myself. But Nicole, we were poor. We had nothing. We had to.

We needed to go and knock on people's foreheads and go, knock, knock. You know, like, we were peasants. We had to knock on people's foreheads and go, knock, knock. I mean, we were doing. I, like, remember, I remember once, like, being dressed crazy outside of, like, one of the most beautiful restaurants in New York. And you're just like, oh, my God. My parents loved me. How did I let this happen?

Yeah. We did one where I had to drop a box of tampons and I could only ask men to help me pick it up. And I was like, what are we doing? What are we doing? Well, I do remember when there, I mean, this is,

this is a bummer of a story, but I remember when the French, um, when the terror attacks happened in Paris. And I don't know if you were with us at the time, but there were a group of us that were in time square. And we were taking Mardi Gras beads and basically like throwing them at men as the ticker behind was like Paris shuts down, London shuts down.

And we're just like in Times Square, like let's antagonize some people. Oh, I was there and I was like, I don't think it's appropriate to do this now. This is crazy. And they were like, you're still doing it. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was wearing a big purple coat. I look like fucking yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I think it was you, me, Blair and Jade Catapretta of the soup. I think, yeah, I think it was the four of us. It was one more. I don't know. It was us like driving around in a big van playing,

Just like driving around in a big van playing pranks on men. It was a really, it was a truly wild time. But I do, I did love and like, so to the people listening who don't work in Hollywood, when you're on a show, there's like food set up for you. But on Lady, like they would like shut down restaurants. And I loved that. I thought that was so fun. That was very fun. Because then you would just like be in a restaurant being like, I'm here and nobody else

can be here. Yeah, and I would order two things for sure. Like I was like, I'm making so little money that I'm gonna order and take home. Oh, absolutely. If someone else is paying for a meal, you get to. I mean, unless you're on a date and then that's rude.

And I'm sure this happens to you on like pseudo business meal. Sometimes you go into it and you're like, maybe this is like a split seat or I'm paying. And then at the very end they pay and you're like, I would have ordered more. So much more. So here's what I do. Whenever I go out on a business dinner, I pick the most expensive restaurant I can think of. And then I don't because I know they're paying. It's the company. And also I'm technically paying. I'm technically paying, especially if it's like my manager or my agent, because like

I gave you commission on those jobs. So like, let's go on my expensive dinner and you pay for it. You know, like when I do get presents from your managers and agents. No, I don't get presents, but I do. Well, sometimes I'll get flowers when I get a job. That's nice. Which is very nice. But I buy them Christmas presents. I buy them bottles of liquor with my face on it.

I love that. And you just give them like the variation of liquor that they like? Nope. Everyone gets Prosecco. Nobody gets to be choosy. And if you don them like the variation of liquor that they like? Nope. Everyone gets Prosecco. Nobody gets to be choosy. And if you don't drink, don't open it. When we got engaged, we got a bunch of presents. Like there were, I got present, I got like champagne.

I got really nice champagne from networks. Like, okay, thank you. I didn't even know you cared about me. And then when we got married, when we got married, they were gone. I'm like, I don't I feel like getting married is harder. But Comedy Central, I believe, sent me a KitchenAid, but they but they didn't. There was no card, but I think it was from them. That's so nice.

One time Netflix sent me a cake with no card and I put an Instagram story up of me eating. And I was like, if you want to to kill me just leave some cake at my door because I ate it without knowing and then finally somebody from Netflix was like we saw your Instagram story it's from us it's okay to eat and I was like bitch it's half gone like don't worry about me do you think this is relatable quarantine content

how we're talking about people give us gifts where do they come from we don't know we're gonna take them they just appear. And that's how Corona was started. All right, Megan. We've come to the end. And this is a question that I ask most of my guests.

Usually I forget, but would you date me? Nicole, I would totally date you. A hundred percent. We have been through NOM together, which is break shows. I find you to be one of the funniest, most delightful people. Whenever your name comes up, I get butterflies. Isn't that what love is about? That is what love is all about.

Megan, Thank you. I would love to date you. I appreciate it. Well, congratulations on your wedding. Also, from Instagram, I was creeping. You truly looked beautiful in your dress. Thank you so much. Thank you.

You're welcome. It was a real treat. Well, I have no new content, so I feel like it's going to be more wedding photos posted. I'm just going to post them all. Honestly, I feel like new content, so I feel like it's going to be more wedding photos posted. I'm just going to post them all. Honestly, I feel like, sure, anyone can get married, but not very many people can look beautiful while they're getting married. So keep posting the fucking content because I'll keep double tapping. Thank you.

I totally appreciate it, Nicole. And also, I know that my red lip that I posted on Twitter was disturbing to you. Megan! It made me laugh so hard and I couldn't believe you were out in public with that red lip. I went to the symphony. I was at a place where people are like, no, if you look crazy. I was at a place where people are like, no, if you look crazy. Okay.

I know this is an audio medium, but Megan didn't use any sort of liner. No. And it truly looked like you put it on during an earthquake. There was no straight or just – is it still on your Twitter? It's so funny. It's absolutely still on my Twitter. And I'm going to – I think maybe that's going to be my quarantine hobby is that I like get my red lip together. Well, you got to use, okay. What brand was it? Um, it was, so it was free off of the set of RuPaul's Drag Race. So it was Anastasia.

Oh, but that should have been fine. Anastasia Beverly Hills is great. So for you, I think you need a liner so it doesn't bleed. Yeah. And then once you do the liner, it's easier to like follow the liner around your lips. I can't. Okay. When this episode posts, I'm going to post the picture. I had so many people reach out to me and be like, are you okay? And like, I thought it looked fine. Like I thought it looked

really good. And then we were in a car and I go, let me check it. And then I took a picture and then CJ goes, oh no, the picture is weird to me too. And then he just made a blurry photo and I go, no, my lips are fucked up. That's love. He loves you. That is so sweet to be like, no, no, no. It's bad for everybody. Just bad lighting. Megan, do you have anything you want to promote before we get out of here? So I have an album out that's called My Dad Paid for This. And it's pretty recent. So I would love if people listen to that. And then I actually have a sports podcast with my husband called The Greatest. So if you like sports, even if you don't like sports, Cara Clank once said that it feels like sports gossip. So I loved that.

Like we definitely talk shit. People get mad at us all the time for our opinions. Like it's just a fun – it's a fun show. I mean the next one coming out is going to be about like greatest dresser of all time. So it's not fully X's and O's. I love that. Also, I have something to remember. I wrote a book. It's called hashtag very fat, hashtag very brave. The fat girl's guide to being brave and not a melancholy down in the dumps, weeping fat girl in a bikini. it's on pre-order now and the link's in my bio or go to nicolebyerwas taken.com also i have another podcast called newcomers with lauren lapkus where we're watching star wars for the first time and

if you send me something nasty to my email which is bacon can save at gmail.com bacon the food not baking uh if you say something nasty hitting on me, I will read it. This says, breakfast for one. Nicole, I would lay you down on my breakfast bar and gently remove your wig. And put it in the blender.

I would clip your fingies and toenails saying, this little piggy for each one. Ew. And then I would add the clippings to the blender. Then I would ferociously finger bang you until you came into my cupped hands. Ew. And add that to the blender.

I would blend. This is horrific. I would blend up the concoction and pour it into a martini glass and look you in the eye as you laid on my breakfast bar and gulped down every last drop. Okay, bye. That took a turn that I didn't see coming. I think that's someone that was like, I'm trying to get red on this podcast. Okay. I'm going to talk about blending her wig in my cum. And it worked. Here's another one. Nicole, I want to take my unnecessary long hair and wrap it around you like an anaconda and squeeze you till you come so hard you call yourself Nikki.

That one's that was nice. I like that one. I do. I do, too. But that other one, that was pretty awful. And it's like, what are they doing during quarantine? You know, how are they holding up? I wonder.

I guess they're just sending weird emails. I have. Yeah, I guess now I feel left out. I don't have any weird emails have been sent to me. No, there's time. There's time. Well, you got it. You got to put your your your email address out to the world. No, I cannot do that. I cannot. Yeah, just put it right out there to the world. People will send you all sorts of terrible things. Yeah, I guess I would like to promote my wiki feet. I feel like my rating is lower than it should be. Yeah. Go to Megan Kaylee's wiki feet, please. Go give me five stars. I have great feet. Give her five fucking stars. Also, while you're there, please give me five stars. I haven't checked it in a while. When I first looked, I had, I think it was bad feet. And then I had okay feet.

And it might be stuck at okay feet. Get Nicole back up to fab. Yeah, give me some fab feet. All right, Megan, thank you so much for doing this. Your goddamn dream. I love you. You're the best. You made my day so much better.

Okay, bye-bye. this has been a team coco production