Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Scheduling Your Booty Calls (w/ Raiza Licea)

Episode Date: December 28, 2018

"If you're busy, you need to book a dick appointment"Raiza Licea (UCB) agrees that life is busy and sometimes you just gotta book time for a dicking. Nicole goes on a wild date with her Lyft driver, and reads her latest failed Tinder conversations. Nicole also discusses some crazy kinks and reveals a few of her own.You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out why I'm still single, even though if I get pregnant, I'll figure it out. I won't ask for any help

my guest today you've seen her on Comedy Bang Bang and UCB Originals Arisa Licea did I say that right? that was like super close you said it right the first time say it

it's okay one more time no no it's good you know what say it Licea Licea Arisa Licea You said it right the first time. Say it. It's okay. One more time. No, no, it's good. You know what? Say it. Say it. Licea. Licea.

Raisa Licea. Raisa Licea. Wow. You know what? I'm just, I'm used to it. It's like lifetime torture. First day of school, every single like story in my life. I'm just like, it's fine.

I stopped like correcting people. I mean, last names are hard. Sometimes people will be like buyers. And I'm like, oh like oh there's no s but i butcher everybody's last name so i'm just like sure call me briars buyer i love my whatever oh i love ice cream i love ice cream too i'm getting ice cream after this and i mentioned them almost obsessively on this podcast at Ample Hills Creamery on Hillhurst. Oh, I haven't been there. You have to go. They have the best ice cream.

Truly, they do not pay me a cent. Hashtag not an ad. This is not an ad. I genuinely just love their little scoops of happiness. It's a real treat. Oh, yum. It's honestly, it is a dream. You will love it.

Rise it. You need to go. Okay, I'm going to check it out. I'm more of like a chocolate chip witch kind of like that kind of. And I get like the cool house ones. Okay. Or the cream witch at Gelson's. I just, I smoke when I go to sleep and I get the munchies.

And that's like the only time I usually smoke, I guess. I smoke when I go to sleep and I get the munchies and that's like the only time I usually smoke, I guess. And I like have had so many episodes where I'm like super high and I'm like, oh no, I don't have anything. But I live a block from that Gilson. So I will just like. Let me get there. Oh, yeah. And I'm like. Let me walk on over.

And I look at the receipt in the morning. I spent $75 on ice cream sandwiches. That means you bought seven because they are like $10 a piece. They're so expensive. They have this other ice cream sandwich that's a chocolate chip sandwich or chocolate chip cookies with vanilla ice cream and then it's dipped in chocolate. Those are the cream witch ones. Yep. Yep. I got those. I get those. My God. They are 500 calories for the whole thing. It's worth it. It really is. It's so worth it.

Anytime I have one, I'm like, Nicole, you are luxurious. So bougie. This is opulent. Yes. I love them so much. They're the best. Riza, may I ask, are you single? I am not single.

Oh. How long have you been dating this person? Like seven months-ish. Oh. Yeah. This is nice. Where did you meet? I actually met him through a mutual friend, like a UCB friend.

Okay. And is this person a like a UCB friend. Okay. And is this person a comedian? He is not. Okay. No. Thank God. I mean, dating comics can be, how you say, difficult. Oh, my God, yes.

I've already dated what? I think I've dated, I think actually, it's not that bad. I think I've only dated like three guys at UCB. Comedy boys. Yeah. They do bring lots of baggage to the table.

Yeah. That you gotta unpack. They all do. But then I feel like the at least the comedy boys just like more

I don't know they just use it in their comedy so much that it like just becomes part of them when they're also off the stage. And I'm like, okay, I get it. And you're like, so we're going to do bits for the next six hours. And when do I get to know you? Yeah.

Can you be a real person? Just for 20 minutes, can you be real? No cartoon time. And they're like, no, no, I'll never be a real boy i have no feelings but my feelings are also this i'm like oh boy i go to therapy i cannot be your therapist everyone should be in therapy literally like i it's so funny because i say this to a lot of people and like everybody's like oh that's kind of funny and true but like my dad like i'm from miami and like from a big cuban family and it's very, like, Cuban.

And there's a lot of machismo in Miami. And, you know, so it's very different, like, how I grew up, like, when I, like, think of relationships or men or just so many things are so different for me. Like, especially coming out here and experiencing, like, that difference. And I remember telling my dad that I had started therapy like two years ago and he was like you don't need therapy Raisa and I was like papi like yeah like I feel like I feel like I do and like I'm going and like it's it's getting better like I feel like I'm like definitely like you know like getting better at whatever it is that I wanted to work on and he's like you know what I do when I wanna you know shit, you know, I go to Versailles.

That's like the big, like, Cuban restaurant in Miami. He's like, I go to Versailles, I order un cafecito, and I talk a shit with the old men outside. And you know what? I go home and I feel good. And I'm like, that's not therapy. That's just hanging out with a bunch of old Cuban men. Hanging out and literally preaching to the choir because you're like, this sucks. And like, it does suck.

And you're like, okay, well, nothing really got, you know. Throw in a little fuck for the doctor and then that's it. Like then you feel good. All right, we're going to wrap this session. No. I love that that's what your dad thinks therapy is. He's like, I go have coffee with my fucking friends and I complain about my fucking family to them. Uh-huh, uh-huh. fucking friends and I complain about my fucking family to them. Uh huh. Uh huh.

Uh, I mean, I'm, there's just, there's only so much that you can unload with your friends before they're like, Hey, I've had enough. And maybe you go talk to somebody.

Yeah. Yeah. Cause even like, like when I'm going through something like a breakup or like something like career or family, whatever it is, like I'll talk to my friends and I like, maybe like the boy stuff. I have like my girls that I'll like through something like a breakup or like something like career, family, whatever it is, like I'll talk to my friends. And I like maybe like the boy stuff.

I have like my girls that I'll like talk to like specific ones and we'll talk a little bit more or whatever. But I definitely know that like like sometimes like everybody gives their advice. And like I'm actually that girl that everybody comes to like for advice. Not like everybody, but like a lot of my girlfriends. I'm like that girl for them. They're like, OK, I'm going on a date. Like they like walk me through the whole thing before, during, after, whatever. And I do feel though like the therapist is always going to like just like call your shit straight out for real.

But like in a way that doesn't make you feel like she's your friend or like being a bitch about it. Yes. Therapists love you or not love you they care about you but they truly have no uh weight or value in your life yeah so they can look they can look inside and i think to me therapy is a therapist is the person window shopping and they're not gonna buy anything but they can tell you what's wrong and what's good about everything in the store because they're outside the store. Oh, dang. Okay.

Wow, look at me and that analogy. That was good. Somebody write that down. Have you ever online dated? Okay. I, like, tried Tinder. And I've never dated because I was married at a very young age i got how old were you i was 23 when i got married damn and that was like a real marriage yeah no it was like legit

like i was like i'm in love i'm getting married this is gonna be my husband forever we're gonna go to a lay and we're both gonna pursue our dream blah blah blah and then how long were you married um we were married for three years but we were together before that three years as well so like about six like a half like six and a half it's a good run yeah you know we tried can't say I didn't try well I think people specifically just women when marriages end they're like I failed yeah or like I couldn't make it work yeah I did this I did and it's very much that like people change yeah and divorce isn't bad yeah you guys are getting out of something that wasn't good to pursue something that's good I'm a for I will I love

divorce I think it's good me too I feel like there's such a stigma on it but I feel like it's getting better like it used to be like when I did like when I did get divorced or while I was separated or whatever you know what I mean like I like didn't say anything to anybody I was really quiet about it like only like a couple people like in the community even knew like some people didn't even know I was married like so it was just like I don't know like I've never also been like one of those people that just like talks about like everything. Like when it comes to certain things, like I do like I love to talk and I love to chat and like whatever. Like I can talk with literally anybody about almost anything probably. But I definitely was very like closed off.

And then that's when I was like. There's a shame thing. It's very shameful. And also I think like coming from like a Latino family, like you're just like it's very much tradition to like get married, have the kids, have a bunch of the kids, big Latino family. And I'm just like I'm not ready for that right now. And I'm like I wasn't ready for it before. Like and I just I thought I was, but I wasn't. And it's like you feel like embarrassed. And I just, I thought I was, but I wasn't.

And it's like, you feel like embarrassed. So like, it was more like, all right, I told like my immediate family and then like everybody else just like go and gossip your fucking mouth off. Like, don't care. Like, think what you want. Like, if you want, if you have a question, hit me up. It is funny that you have certain people in your life that you're like, okay, if I tell these three people, everybody else in my life will know. Yeah.

I don't have to worry about it. I don't have to do any of the work. You'll just tell it for me. Like, thank you so much. So you said you were on apps for a hot second. Yeah, like I was on it last year. Which ones were you on? I was only on Tinder.

Okay. I'm just like, I meet people so randomly in person like i like like a couple of my girlfriends like how do you meet these guys and i'm just like i honestly like i i'm also very aggressive i'm a total guy like i've been called just like emasculating like all these things where i'm like it's not emasculating it's just i am i have a very masculine energy energy to me i grew up with boys i lived with my dad when my parents got divorced I grew up with my dad and like my big brother my little brother so that's just how I am very like I'll just I want something done I'm gonna do it whatever and so um I was on tinder after uh I I broke up

with my ex-boyfriend from last year and um I was like fuck it like everybody's like just try it just try and I'm like oh fine I just like feel like I'm better in real life and I don't like I don't know how to like I don't know I can't tell if somebody's weird or whatever I'm literally just basing it honestly like off pictures and I'm super picky even though like every guy I've ever like really dated seriously has never been like my legit type they're just like pretty boys but that's really what it is and uh and it's hard to tell if someone's pretty from a picture yeah guys suck at pictures and also i mean i also don't expect them to be really good because then if they're really good i'm like that also bothers me like how are you so good like why are you putting so much time in it i mean yeah it's like

why don't you do anything else yeah so i went on two dates with two different guys um and like they were fine like i don't like those i don't know like the first one was like this this middle eastern guy and like the whole time he was so flirty like verbally but then like literally like i remember we like went back to my place and like he sat like on one end of the couch and I sat on one and I was like I don't know what to do I legit have like not really dated somebody that like I have no idea who they are and I just it was so weird but then like he was like super excited like yeah let's hang out like again and like he like would always like try to make plans and it was just it never worked out I was like I'm over

this I can't it is weird when someone is super into you like in a bar and then you go home with them or whatever and they're like a little standoffish or shy yeah and I was like what did I say between the car ride here did I like I don't like did he think I picked my booger I was scratching my nose ring like I don't know like does he think I smell now because I know I took a shower and I got my perfume on my violetas are on but I don't know that's a Cuban cologne or nice I don't even know it's like perfume yeah like it's unisex so like you put on the baby you put it on babies like yeah like that's what the babies usually wear it's violeta you put perfume on babies? Like, yeah, like, that's what the babies usually wear. It's violetas. You put perfume on babies? Yeah.

That's the wildest thing I've ever heard. Really? Oh, we get our ears pierced, like, real soon. And you, like, have, like, your, like, this is my necklace that I'm wearing with my asabachi and my virgen and my cross. It's, like, my baby necklace, like, from when I was, like, born. That's a very long chain. Did you have a fat neck? No, it's just, it's supposed to be big so you can.

Oh, like grow into it? Yeah, but it's like when you're a baby, it's like up to here. It's like by your belly button. It's so gangsta. Not weird, interesting. Yeah. I got my ears pierced,

I think I was maybe six or something. I was a little older. Yeah. And I like got them pierced. I was so excited, so jazzed. And my sister watched it happen and she went, no, thank you. Yeah, we'll imagine. I don't think she got her ears pierced ever.

And then I really wanted my second hole. My mother was, she really did not want me to get my second hole. So then I like went on a trip, like a class trip or something to like New York. We were in the South Street Seaport and I said, I'm going to get my ears pierced. And they didn't ask for like ID or how old I was. So then I got four on one side. You just be like, I want four on this entire ear.

And then I got, I think I only have three on this side. I was just like, it's going to be uneven. And then my mother, she was like, what did you do? And I was like, I don't know. So sorry. Sorry, I'm never going to take them out. They got to heal. And she was fine with it. Now you're a loyal customer at Claire's Boutique. You got to keep putting studs in the hoops. Or the piercing pagoda. Oh my God, piercing pagoda, yes. Right? Like you never really think about a piercing pagoda past when you get your ears pierced. Yeah. I always think of Gainesville when I think of piercing pagoda. Gainesville, Florida. Yeah. Is that close to Miami? It's six hours away. But my my aunt and my cousins live there. And I used

to go there in the summer and spend like a month with my cousin Greer. And there was only one mall there. And it's the only one we would ever go to. So like it was like the thing to do. And I just remember the piercing pagoda. I always like I kept trying to like get like my belly button pierced. And like nobody would like allow it. They were like, ma'am, we only do ears. But like what if you pretend this ear, this stomach's an ear. But look at my belly.

It needs a ring. So you went on a date with the Middle Eastern dude who then got weird. Yeah. And then who was this other date with? So I went on a date with this other guy who ends up being like an actor like on some tv show that i guess got canceled and um really nice he picks me up in his like brand new like car like his like little audi and then takes me like to gracias madre and it's like really nice but i i'm like okay like this is

cool like whatever like we're having a good time like it's like a nice dinner like it wasn't like something cheapy like so i was like okay like you put the effort that's cool because also everybody had told me horror stories like yeah we went to this like gross thing and then he like asked to split the check i'm like somebody in first date asked me to split the check i swear i will walk out oh really yes i will walk out i always split really oh no i just assume that we're gonna split it uh I always pull the card out or I just pay for it I just feel like whatever like get the dinner like I'll get a drink after you know like I don't know that's that's how I would roll with it but I mean again I don't like I legit just don't date like at all like that but um yes i went out with him and then after we went

to his place i was like oh this guy thinks he's gonna fuck and like i was like i don't like i don't i'm not like ready for that right now whatever and then he was like this this was so bad he was like oh do you want to watch this thing i have it's from the show i was in i was like oh okay dude he plays me his fucking gag reel. I think, right? That's what it's called. I was dying. I was just like,

what do I have to pretend now that I like this and laugh? Oh, boy, I'm in his house. I have to take my shoes off. I can't just run. Like, where's my purse? So then thank God that I had said yes to this midnight show. And I was like, well, I got to go. I got to get out of here. So then thank God that I had said yes to this midnight show. And I was like, well, I gotta go.

I gotta get out of here. I gotta do this show in front of maybe 12 people at midnight. But I really made the commitment. So I got it. This gag reel was real. I was gagged the whole time. So funny. Very funny.

Isn't that terrible that is i will say actors and comedians the difference is the self-awareness because there are some comics out there who'll be like watch my set you're like uh no did you hear yourself and they'll be like oh haha but like an actor will seriously be like watch this thing i was in yeah like can you watch me do a seven minute monologue of Hamlet? And I'm like, no. I've never once in my dreams wanted to do that. Yeah, yeah. I don't want to go home with you and watch the footage that didn't make it into your canceled TV show.

It was so awkward. I mean, and he was actually, like, very nice. So, like, I felt bad. I just, so I was just like, all right, whatever. But, yeah, that was it those are my two online dating things that i sound pretty uneventful yeah they legit were which i think is a lot of dates like i've just been this last couple months i've been just kind of like pedal to the metal. Let's date. Let's find somebody.

And it's just been, it's been like pretty exhausting. I went out with, I don't know if I mentioned this on a prior episode, but I went out with like my Lyft driver. Okay. And he was cute, taller than I expected because I met him sitting. That's fair. Marissa, did I mention this? Do you know? Okay.

Marissa is my wonderful producer who has listened to hours of me talk. And I don't know if she likes it. So I go out. Okay. So I leave this dude's house. He puts me in a lift and we're like getting to my house. And I was like looking at the side of his face. And I was like, oh my God, he's like kind of cute. He was like light skin, glasses, cute.

And like had big hands. And then I was like, we get to my house and I said, hey, you're real cute. And he was like, huh, you're real cute. And I was like, do you to my house and I said, hey, you're real cute. He was like, huh, you're real cute. And I was like, do you want to take my number and go out? He said, yes. So I gave him my number and he texts me the next day. He's like, hey, this is me, your Lyft driver. Me in the Corolla.

Yeah, me in the Prius Corolla. Okay, that's true. That's true. I feel like they're all like Hyundai's Corollas and Priuses. Correct. And that is it. That's it. That's it. I feel like they're all like Hyundai's, Corolla's, and Prius's. Correct. And that is it. That's it. That's it.

Yeah, and I get into the wrong one all the time. All the time. If a Prius stops in front of you and you open the door, if you're driving it, you can't be mad. No.

My first... You can't. When I got on Harold Knight, my first show of Harold Knight, I got into the wrong Prius and I was running late and we were the first team up and I was running late and we were the first team up. And I was already nervous and I was sweating and this guy just went the other way.

I was like, no, UCB Franklin is that way! And I yelled at him. And he was like, oh, you're not, I don't know, Shania or said some other random name. No, I'm not Shania. I am not the one. Do I look like Shania? Get out of here. And then I look at the picture and it was a white girl in the picture. And I'm like, man. I am not the one. Do I look like Shania? Get out of here.

And then I look at the picture and it was like a white girl in the picture. And I'm like, man, I am brown wearing a bikini or something in my picture. That was not me. Very funny. Yeah, I'm always constantly being like, Nicole? Me? Hello? Okay, wait.

No, so Tommy, sorry. So we texted for a little bit. We made plans to go out. He canceled. And then we made plans to go out again. Then I canceled. And I was like, I don't think anyone's into this. And then he was like, come down to this bar where I'm working.

And I was like, okay. And it was in Chinatown. I take a lift down. And he shows up supes tall. And I was like, great. Big hands, just really attractive. Although he was wearing a bucket hat and oh boy what month were we this was like last month and we have like a lovely conversation we're getting along great we're laughing says a couple things that are red flags like he was like

my daughter lives uh out of the country and i was like oh you ever thought about like bringing her over here he's like ah my baby's mom she she doesn't like me she asked me to get a phone for my daughter and she's four but she says she never wants to talk to me again i was like okay save that for down the road i know tell me all about your exes yeah don't do that so then uh we're just like talking, talking, talking. He's like, well, what do you do again? And I was like, I don't know if I ever see this man again. And honestly, I don't care.

I was like, oh, I'm a comedian. He's like, well, that explains why you're so funny. And I was like, okay, yeah, thank you. And he's like, so like what kind of comedy? And I was like, oh shit, this man has no idea who I am. This is great because all of the dates I've had in the last like two years, everyone has known who I I was and it's been a very weird thing to navigate but I was like this is fresh so then I like told him a couple things and he was like genuinely interested and he asked like

pretty smart questions I was like this is great and then uh he's a DJ and aren't they all lift driver DJ bartender okay but um so then the guy who was DJing before him comes over he goes oh you're you host nailed it and I was like yes he's like my kids love you can I have a picture with you and then my the lift driver I was out with was like I'll take it he's like wow so you're like famous and I was like i'm mildly successful he said that's cute oh well i'm gonna look everything up about you and i was like don't and he goes okay i won't please don't just like so easy and then we go outside and he's like i just want to like smoke a joint before i i go to work to like spin records or whatever or hit play and pause i don't know on the ipod and i was like okay he's like do you smoke and i was like occasionally he's like all right let's smoke

so and i should have said i should have realized that he smokes a lot uh-huh and it's strong but like i puffed it once and then he was like are you good and i was like no puff puff puffed and he's like you should be and i was like puff puff, puff, puff, puff. And he's like, you should be. And I was like, puff, puff, puff. And then we like made out for a little bit. And he was like, this was fun. I was like,

this was fun. And I was like, you go DJ and I'm going to go home. And he's like, yeah, this is great. Cause it's like, I don't want to be the girl who's sitting there being like,

we were talking and now he's DJ. I'm like, I'm like with him. I'm like, yeah, I'm like the DJ. I don't know. I'm like with him. I'm like the DJette. I don't know.

So then I'm waiting for my Lyft, and it hits me, and I was like, boom, no. And then I get into the Lyft, and I was like, I guess just staring at the floor. And it's also like 10, maybe 11, not that late. And the Lyft driver's like, are you OK? I was like, hey, man, I just need some time alone. Oh, no. And then I got home and was like, I think my dogs need to be walked. And I said, but it's not me. I'm not doing it.

Do you have a backyard? I do. But then, like, they have to, like, get walked, like, on the street. Yeah. And I was like, John will be home. He'll do it. And then I, like, passed out in all of my clubs. walked like on the street yeah and i was like john will be home he'll do it and then i like passed out in all of my clubs my wig was just on the floor and it was my good wig so i was like oh

you must have been fucked up yeah and then i was just like that's the last time i take weed from a stranger don't ask how strong it is that's. We have to take a break. We're back. What a fine break it was. What a dream of a break. A lot of people have made, not made fun of me, but they're like, you're insane because I've got to roll the booty call. I've done it like days

in advance. And I'm just like, I've done it, like, days, like, in advance. Oh, absolutely. And I'm just, like, yeah, like, one day, like, I remember, like, with, like, actually, like, my boyfriend, like, that's literally how it started. I was, like, hey, like, I was, like, texting him for a booty call. He's, like, oh, no, like, I'm in Arizona. I, like, I can't, like, come. I'm, like, I'm in Arizona.

I was, like, oh, fuck. All right. How does Monday work for you he's like monday's good i'm open so we're like i'm like at the middle of like the short stop just like in the bathroom line like and my friend's like what are you doing you're like you're like making an appointment i'm like oh yeah i legit am i'm making a dick appointment for you have to if you are busy you gotta make the dick appointment I looked up really quick because I have like a regular agenda and then I have like some stuff I put on my phone that's important. And then I was like, OK, check, check, check.

Oh, cool. I'm available Monday. Does that work for you? Cool. Great. See you at 10. That's honestly that's what I do. I have to.

Otherwise, I don't get it. I don't get it in. Yeah, you got to set appointments. You got to set that time aside. You got to set the time aside. You got to make sure everybody's available. Everybody's free. Write it in your bando.

Yes, I have a planner right here that I'm looking at. I'm going to read you some Tinder conversations I've had. Because everybody is out of their minds. Locals. So this guy said, oh, hey there. So I said, who's that dude in the yellow shirt? He said, huh? I was like, in your second pic.

He was like, my best friend. I was like, is he single? Isn't that the worst? Because he was so hot. And he goes, LOL, no. And then I said, okay, y'all do threesomes? I love that you kept on instead of like, bye. Well, I was like, obviously, like, you're not going to want to go out with me because I asked about your friend.

And then he was like, definitely not. And I said, oh, okay. And he said, sorry, not into doing that with my friends. I said, cool, cool, cool. Not with my friends. That's, you know, I guess, oh, okay. And he said, sorry, not into doing that with my friends. I said, cool, cool, cool. Not with my friends. That's, you know, I guess, I don't know. I've never done a threesome, so I don't know. I don't even know, like, what I would think about.

I've done it twice. And it was just, like, being very drunk at a bar and it just, like, happening. And you're like, okay. So here's another conversation I had. He said, hey. So I said, hey. Also, this was in a phase where I was just swiping yes on everybody because I was like I don't know maybe something will stick okay

and he ended up he's like not the cutest whatever and he was like how are you I said I guess not great he said why and I said well all my ice cream melted. Was that real? Yes. I am so happy that it was real because it came from a real place. But I'm so sad that your ice cream melted because we love ice cream. And then he said, LOL, no. Why? And I said, I left it out on the counter while I took a nap. Then he was like, how long was your nap? I was like, an hour and a half.

And he said, we'd nap, LOL. So I wrote, LOLs. That was it. not that funny no and then uh then he commented on a picture that i just put up and he was like beautiful okay there's another one i'm gonna read to you i've just people i put up this new picture of me like bent over and people have been losing their minds oh let me see okay hold on okay okay okay he said hey it looks like we matched want to get to know each other? And that was in March. March 12th of this year.

Okay. And then March 15th, he said, are you going to talk to me? So I said, probably not. Then he said, okay. And then on July 18th, he sent me a smiley face. Oh, wow. He's committed. Uh-huh.

And then on Monday, November 9 9th he sent a little message about my picture he said looking good i just think it's so weird that i was like hard no you're like pat but like you haven't like x'd him out you just like still keep getting the messages i'm like what else are you gonna say to me you know it's just like a pen pal i it's a pen pal who like i'm not you're not responding to you oh wait so then this guy said nicole i've been trying to think of a good opener for like a month but i'm drawing a blank haha clearly i'm not worthy and i don't know what is with dudes like for whatever reason guys will send me messages and be like i'm dog shit and i'm like well why open with that why not just be like here's the best version of me possible and then

i can decide whether you're dog shit so then he said i was at the at one of your tapings over the summer you were the funniest part and i said thank you i felt the funniest joke whatever i said jkkkk uh i never feel that way Thank you. You only trying to compliment me or take me out? No point in texting if you know who I am. I don't know who you are. Nothing. And still nothing? Still nothing.

That was in October. And I was like, so why did you think for a month over a good opener? And then I responded to your bad opener. Yeah. And then, like, are we just, we're never going to go out? What? I, like, never, because, like, I have, like, girlfriends that they'll talk to me about, like, these messages too.

They'll show me. And, like, I have a lot of girls that, like, they're on a bunch of apps. And, like, they'll show me and they'll tell me, like, but, like, he didn't respond. And I'm, like, I don't, like, I, like, do you, I'm, like, I don't know. Did they just find somebody else that, like, they, like, then, like, just, like, got wiped up so quick I'm like I don't like I like do you I'm like I don't know did they just find somebody else that like they like then like just like got wifed up so quick like I don't get it it can't be that no I can't fathom that like in in uh like a day because I responded in a day in a day that you found somebody else and you're you've moved on I don't know what it is I guess maybe I came on a little

too strong it was a little intimidating but being like I'm funny I don't I think I think um you are I feel like there's similar things like where like I would relate with you especially like listening to like other things you've said like on the podcast prior and stuff I do think that like like you're an intimidating woman I get that all the time as well and I'm always like but then like when they get to know us it's like oh we're like really like we're actually very like sweet

like down to earth ass bitches and it's like I'm a nice bitch who likes ice cream and short walks that immediately follow a car ride to a location yes oh I don't fucking walk I can't that immediately follow a car ride to a location. Yes. Oh, I don't fucking walk.

Right? I can't. I will take a car to Trader Joe's, and you know how close I live there. Which is very funny, because you live just around the river bend. Literally just around the bend. Oh, yeah, I refuse to walk,

and then I have to carry my stuff back? Yeah, fuck that. There was this girl. Let's see if I can find it. She was updating me on her relationship. Like this dude. She had DM'd me and was like, I really like this guy, but he's out of my league. And then she was like, oh, no.

She DM'd you about another guy on the app? No, no. Sorry. This is a. Like a friend. Yeah. No, not a friend it was just this random girl on instagram dm me i can't find it but it was so funny she was just like he's out of my league um i don't know what to do uh he just ghosted me crisis averted oh no he asked me for another date

oh no he ghosted me crisis a averted. And then she was like, and now I'm dating this other guy. And it's going great. So if this seems specific to you, congratulations. What is up with guys and ghosting? I honestly don't know. It really bums me the fuck out

that people can't be like, you're not what I'm looking for. I'm so sorry. But I did go someone a little bit. So I was dating this girl and things were going well. But she, like, she didn't like that I smoked. And I was like, I mean, I smoke. And she's like, tastes like an ashtray.

And I was like, you've never tasted an ashtray okay like let's just get that it's true right you've never licked an ashtray um and then we had been texting and then she texted and then I like just kind of fell off the face of the planet and I was also like to be fair was like working and traveling a bunch but like in hindsight i should have said that i should have been like i am very busy right now and i don't know if i have time for this um so yeah but i don't think that's everyone's case yeah i i like i don't know i guess i feel like i also just like i have so many like i said like so many girlfriends out there on these apps and they just tell me all these horror stories. And like, yeah, I like if any guy that dates me like wants to break up, like you will not break up with me over the phone or via text.

You better come and show your fucking face to my house. And like you want to like if you're going to break my heart, you're going to see me cry or you're going to see me get mad. And like you're going to see me fucking go all out in spanish to you or whatever it is that happens i don't think i can do that yeah i'm like i think i i have to like send a text to be like i don't think this is i mean if it's something like not super serious like that's fine like hey i mean if we're like two years deep you can't bring up with maybe a text but even like a couple months like i know guys are like we'll be like dating like when girlfriends

and they'll be like together like five months which doesn't feel like a lot, but that's five months. That's almost half a year. And then they just ghost if it's all good. And I'm like, that's not chill. You guys are in your 30s. Grow the fucking – Yeah, five months, I wouldn't ghost anybody. And I would hope that at five months, nobody would ghost me.

That sounds insane. Speaking of ghosts, there was new york post article on october 30th right before halloween that said woman who had sex with 20 ghosts is now engaged to a spirit and i cannot believe it and the funniest part of the article was her quote was there was no going down on one knee he doesn't have knees what oh my god this world is so wild and everybody marries everything made me die i was like this is the wildest thing i've ever read i love that this woman openly was like he didn't get down on one knee he has no knees how does like one like like how do you like tell your family thread?

I'm engaged to a spirit. Um, I don't. If I said that to anybody in my family, they'd be like, get her out of L.A. Yeah. She's not well. She is sick. She is ill. Like, seriously, that is so wild.

Isn't it nuts? And then you're not on hingeinge, but on Hinge. So on Hinge, you have to. I don't know how it works. You like someone's picture or like a fact about them or whatever. And then they choose to match with you. And they're like, initiate the conversation. And when nobody likes you, there's a screen where you can go to your likes.

And it says, likes you, zero. Wow, Hinge. We need to make that more positive. Hinge, I feel like this is a target on like a personal assassination on like who I am, Hinge. I feel like there's a nicer way to say that nobody likes you other than saying nobody likes you.

Okay, so there's Hinge, there's Tinder, then there's Bumble, right? Hinge, Bumble, OKCupid, Raya, Coffee Meets Bagel, which is my mortal enemy.

Coffee Meets Bagel? What is that? You just had breakfast? I don't fucking know because I don't understand it. You have to like gather beans to like like people. And then... Wait, you gather like fr have to like gather beans to like like people. And then.

Wait, you gather like frijoles, like beans? Like coffee beans. Oh. And I guess the women are bagels and the men are beans. But I'm like, why can't they be bigger? Why is it just a little bean going through like a gaping bagel hole? So weird. Yeah, I hate it.

And then I was on this thing called Woo, which was like a fat lady app. And then there was this website called Feeders that I was on for a little bit. But that was like the whole like feeder-feedy, feederism thing that I'm not into. Like I

don't need anyone to stuff me full of food and then like rub my stomach and cum on my oh my god like full stomach that doesn't do it for me no shade no shame i've like never even heard of people who are into it oh i feel like such a prude with some things like i legit like i'm i i know like i'm very like i'm very like dick dick pussy whatever and fuck this and i'll fuck that guy or whatever like I'll say shit because I'll go fuck but like I'm also like I'm such a prude for so many things and I like

don't I learn everything from my friends like they tell me I'm like no and then also I think like there's they for sure have told me stuff that I that's probably fake and I believed it 100 well there's a whole subset of um fetish fetishes where it's feeding people. People get off feeding people and then other people get off being fed. And there's very interesting, there's stuffing videos. Oh, wow. And a stuffing video is like... I'm going to have to wait this up.

It's very interesting. Truly, if you're into it, I'm not shading you. Yeah, no, at all. You got to get off how you get off. But like women will have funnels and they'll be funneling like milkshakes. And then like some of them have PayPal's where you can PayPal them and then tell them what you want them to buy. And then they'll like go to McDonald's and get like a hundred piece McNugget and then just eat it. And like rub their tummies and be like, yum, yum, yum. I'm digesting.

Probably gaining a couple pounds. I mean, good for them making that money. You know, like, but I, no. Yeah, not for me. Not my kind of party. I mean, I have my kinks, but tie me up. I also found this other. Segway tie me up.

Tie me up, baby. Choke me down, baby. I found this other article. I've just been like on the internet finding like wild things. I met my soulmate married him and got pregnant with his baby in nine days and they're two

of the most beautiful people I've ever seen and I was like how how is it so easy for everybody I don't do you not feel like

I don't know I always like I feel like every guy that I've really liked or like been with or even like random guys that I've just like kind of like

hung out with for a little bit they've all been just like I said like people that I've met like at a bar or like through a friend I mean I don't know I I don't know what I because I feel like you like would definitely go up to a guy at a bar like you you would be yeah like you'd be that girl that like would go up to them and then just like whatever here's your number I literally like gave my number to like a bartender in New York like two two DCMs ago and like he ended up flying out here seven times yeah he flew out here seven times and

it was just like me like just being like spontaneous and I'm like whatever I'll never see this guy ever again because I'm leaving tomorrow back to LA motherfucker came seven times to LA. Wow. Yeah. I was like, what am I doing? I mean, you got that bomb ass. I like, in my youth, would go up to people more in bars and like hit on dudes.

The older I get, the more I'm like, well, I'm at this bar like with my friend. Yeah. I don't feel like leaving her

or him to go hit somebody else. And it's just like a very... Or if you're in a group set. I've never done it just by myself. But actually, I did that one time. But I was with my straight friend. I was with Carlos from my improv team. And I was like, okay, I need to make sure that he knows that we're not on a date.

Because everybody always thinks that he's my boyfriend or we if we're if it's just me and him or whatever and i'm like no get away make sure you don't look like you're with me while we're eating stop like being funny and make me laugh oh i hate you let's be somber so someone hits on me yeah make sure make sure when he cut when the when when he comes by our table like i don't know say something like haha my girlfriend make sure he knows you have a girlfriend not me my girlfriend not you not you but yeah usually i feel like i've done it like when i like i have gone up though like to guys like uh when i'm more in a group setting because i guess i feel like well if i get rejected i'm gonna just walk back to the gals and they're gonna make me feel good back to my friends and say let's pretend that didn't happen yeah yeah yeah i it's weird i was in

san jose maybe i don't remember but i was like doing a weekend somewhere and i had just like gone out with my opener to this bar and then this like kind of attractive man hit on me and i was like oh this is great maybe i'll get it in tonight and i was like showing some dick and then uh he was like you're a comedian right and i was like yeah and then like we got progressively drunker and then he like just he knew exactly who i was and was like asking little questions to make it seem like he did it until fully he was like so like how do i become a comedian and i was like oh oh did you vomit in your mouth because i would have i uh fell down hit my head and passed away no i i truly was just like oh um i gotta go and he's like oh will i see you again i was like

no i don't live here and he was like oh where do you live and I was like LA and he's like oh yeah do you think I should move to and I was like I do not know what you should do these little like star fuckers it's so like also like it's so funny how like when people do that I've had people do that and like I'm not famous like and like I can tell like somebody like knows about me through social media and they'll like, but so people are so bad at it. And they'll be like, somebody one day was like, oh yeah, like I just met her at a bar. Like literally this was like a month or two ago. And like my friend was there and I'm good friends with this girl and she was there and

she was like, yeah, I don't know. She's like, yeah, like, oh, like it's like if like you went out with like your 23 year old niece, right? Or something like she said this thing and I was like, I legit had just gone out like for my niece's birthday, Amanda. Oh, how weird. So she was like calling out something you did on like instagram it was so awkward and i was like and i remember like i was like i was like the most rant like i don't know like she like really like stuck that in somehow and i was like she was like yeah like

if she was like an influencer like because my niece was like low influencer and she's just this cutie and i was just like ew like you know like about me and my family and that's just like weird that like you like threw it so weird that she's just like dropping ew, you know about me and my family, and that's just weird that you threw it in. That's so weird that she's just dropping little bombs about your life to you. Yeah, I'm like, yeah. Sometimes it's nice when people ask you questions. At the airport today, I met a lady named Molly who was very, very sweet, and she was like, are you Nicole Byer? And I was like, yes.

And she's like, I know because you wear this hat. My hat says feminist, and it's bold, and you's like I know because you wear this hat my hat says feminist and it's bold and you can see it from a mile away and she's like and you've like posted selfies and I'm sorry I'm talking to you and I was like no it's fine it's nice when people like you yeah that's fine I think it's okay to like recognize people I'm so bad

I can't tell you how many like people that I should have probably known who they were and I just like talked to them and I like like I'll never like I got I I remember like came just like talked to them. And I like, like, I'll never, like I got, I, Pau Feig, I remember like came after like, literally it was a day that they announced Ghostbusters, the female one, I was interning. And this woman was like, look, Pau's gonna come.

He's gonna be dressed in a suit, like really nice. And I'm like here, like, I don't know Pau Feig, like what he looks like. I've only like, I know who he is, but I don't know. I can't keep up with everybody is so many people. And like, he walks in and I was like, oh my God, you must be Pa. Because whatever her name is said that you were going to come in, you're going to be dressed really like super cute.

Oh my God, is that? Let me see your pocket square. I grab his pocket square, rub it on my face. I'm like, I was so aggressive. And I was like, but I was just like, because he was loving it. He was just like, just like, like smiling. I'm like, is it silk? I put on my face and I was like, oh my God, I love it.

It's so nice. Is it vintage? Well, anyways, listen, she said you're going to need a cocktail. So if you want something like super cute, go to Pubelle. But if you just want a beer or something, like you can also go to Perth. And I'm like, and then he walks out and literally everybody that was in the intern, they were just like, their jaws were like open. And they're like, Raisa, do you know who you just did that to?

I'm like, yeah, Pa, my gal over there. She told me he was coming. I said, welcome backstage. And he was like, they're like, no, that was Paul Feig. And obviously, Linda had put it together because that week. Oh, that's so funny. It was so current. And I was like, oh, I'm an asshole.

Oh, I'm sure it was fine. Oh, no, it was fine. I think it was just like, I was like, I don't know. I just like grabbed his pocket square and rubbed it on my face. Sometimes you can't, like your body is doing things faster than your brain is telling you. So much. Like everything's not firing in all cylinders. And you're just like, I'm being crazy.

All the time. I can't help it. Well, Riza? Yes. I asked, I won't say all of my guests, because I've been, guests? Guests. Yes, this is. Because I've been forgetting.

Would you date me? You know, I think I would try it, but I think we'd be too crazy together. I think that we're both too alpha. I agree. Yeah. I think we'd have a very fiery two weeks yeah yeah yeah and then we would fizzle out hard great sex okay well i think we're done yeah yeah yeah we'd always look super hot walking into like yeah i mean not today today i look like a trash dumpster. I like rolled out of the shower.

I rolled out of a plane and went home for 30 seconds and was like, change your shirt. I don't know. Riza, do you have anything you want to promote? Yeah. So I host the only Latinx show at UCB. Oh, it's Latinx? I thought it was Latinx. Latinx. I don't know if I say it right. Latinx's Latin X. I thought it was Latin X. Latin.

I don't know if I say it. Latin X. Latin X. I don't know. I say so many words wrong that I'm just like, correct me, people. It's fine. Whatever.

English was my second language. I mean, I'm not Latin X. So like, don't let me correct you. I've been told, but no, you're not the only one

that has said that. And I like, I don't know if I say it wrong. Pero, anyways. Who knows? I host the only Latinx show at UCB. It's called Spanish Aquí Presents. Yeah.

And we're every first Friday at 1030 at UCB Sunset. Our next one is December 7th. Yeah. And we have a bunch of really good guests. And I have one of my favorite singers. He's going to perform. Twin Shadow. I don't think I know Twin Shadow. He's just so, I have had such a like music crush on him.

And also he's gorgeous. But yeah, so that's, I feel like, yeah, that's the biggest thing I'd promote my show. You can follow us at Spanish Aqui Presents. And then if you want to follow me on the social, you can follow me on Instagram at RZA star, R-Z-A star. Twitter, first and last name, RZA. I don't know. Do I have anything? My website?

Yeah, baby. Somebody found me the other day through that and gave me an offer. I was like, oh, my God, I've never gotten an offer through my website. Tell the people. Thank you, Wix. If you like this episode of my podcast, please subscribe. Rated five stars on the iTunes. And if you like it and if you leave me a nasty little message, I will read it.

This person said, if I had a cock, I'd shove it in the mouth which is funny because i don't know if you mean my mouth or just a mouth okay hey baby it's too much damn work to figure out how to comment on itunes but i love your podcast so much that i want you to suck my gay ass dick till you pass away. And I'll eat that nasty puss till you come back to life. Oh my God. Why you gotta call him nasty puss though? I love it. I don't know. Yeah.

I don't know why my puss is nasty. I guess because he's gay. He's like, I could never. Yeah. He's like, no, no pooney.

No. Let's see. This person said, you're really beautiful and sexy. Hi, beautiful. Let's date. Not dirty, but I read it.

All right. Good bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.