Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Seeking Professional Advice (w/ Dr. Chris Donaghue)

Episode Date: January 11, 2019

Dr. Chris Donaghue (Host of Loveline, sex and relationship therapist) provides Nicole with an honest assessment why she may be single. He provides her relationship advice and a Tinder bio makeover. He also shares how to manage dating multiple people at once, the importance of sharing your needs and kinks with your partner, and the importance in masturbating in this sex-positive episode!Thank you to TENGA and Dr. Chris for providing Nicole with the beautiful sex toy giftbasket.You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh boy! Yes, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single! Even though if we fuck missionary and you eat crackers and get crumbs all over me, I'll eat the crumbs and say thank you!

Oh, that one was dumb. Okay. My guest today is a psychiatrist and a sex therapist. Not a psychiatrist, but close. He's a socioeconomic therapist. Wait, what is your title? Psychology. Oh, boy.

That was good. This is off to a great start. Damn hangover. Wait, a sociologist? Oh, boy. You're going to have to tell me the difference between all of these things. Just do this. Just say sex therapist. Okay, he's a sex therapist.

Well, all of this is going in. I don't want any of it edited out. He's a sex therapist and something with a P. Dr. Chris Donahue! What's up? That's the best intro I've ever had in my entire life. I constantly fuck up people's names, people's credits. I have a touch of ADD.

But why am I single? I don't know why I'm so single. I think you just said it. Because I'm just fucking it up. Focus, Nicole, focus. What is the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist? There's a vast difference. So a psychiatrist prescribes meds where psychologists do therapy.

Ah, so are all therapists psychologists? You could say so. Just go with that. So those are synonyms. Close enough. I don't want to overcomplicate things with you. Please do. I love being confused.

I walk through most of my life just very confused. So what is sex therapy? Oh, it's a good question. Do people like fuck in front of you and go, what did I do wrong? No, it's not that interesting. Although it is actually fascinating. Basically, I work with people who have issues around relationships or sex. It's a specialty.

Very few people even know that we exist. But anything with the word sex in it is what I do. Okay. Are you single? I actually am right now. Yeah. Just out of an engagement. Wow. So you proposed, you were going to get married and then you were like, fuck you. I don't want this. This is bad for me. Wasn't quite that dramatic. That's how I would break off an engagement just by screaming things and then have the person be like, is this a bit or is this real? And I'd be like, I don't know.

Are you dating online? Yes, I'm dating online. I am on Hinge, Raya, Tinder, Bumble. I was on Coffee Meets Bagel, but I hate that app. Wait, how do you have time to swipe through all of those? That's a lot. I'm on three and I'm exhausted with three. Which three are you on? Raya, Tinder, and OkCupid. And the reason why I got on Raya was because of Amber Rose, who I work with. And she sent a little because they wanted to waitlist my ass. They waitlisted me for two

full years. Yeah, that's a long time. Amber Rose taught me that if a dude takes too long to come while you're blowing him, you just prop your leg up and rub your clit and then look at him and go, she taught me good blowjobs are supposed to sound like mac and cheese. Yep. She also said that to me too, except I don't think she said mac and cheese. She was like the wetter, the better girl. She's a pro. She's also stunning. She's actually more attractive in person when she has no makeup on. She is so pretty.

The first time I met her, I couldn't stop staring at her. And I was like, oh boy, for anyone to be lucky enough to fuck her, what a dream for you. Like what a real treat. Well, her boyfriend's lucky. Who's her boyfriend now? His name is Alex. He's a very, very, very sweet guy. She's had a very full year and she finally found love.

So fingers crossed. Fingers crossed. Fingies crossed for Amber Rose. But she was on Raya for a while as well. Was she? Yeah. Although she got pseudo catfished. The dude sent the photos.

She was texting me. She's like, how hot is this dude? I was like, he looks pretty hot. Do it, do it it she shows up and he was probably a good 20 years older than the photos oh no it's one of those you can't catfish amber rose also you can't to the best of us if you're gonna meet up with somebody they're instantly gonna be like this is wrong that's what i do i do the phone call if i'm I, before I take any of my precious, precious time and energy to show up at a restaurant, we're going to get on the phone and you can assess through their voice if there's compatibility. Oh, who's got time to go on all those dates?

I mean, I don't, but I do. And I go on dates. Without ever having gotten on the phone. No, I don't. Just based on matching on an app. Yes. And we'll text for a little bit and then i go with a very low expectation how to go i usually show up very late because i'm the boss you wait for me do you show up sober usually yes i showed

up a couple times a little tipsy um but yeah like i don I don't know. Dating is awful and soul sucking and I hate it. And I really hate like inviting someone into my world and my life and then having my little heart broken. It's part of the game. I know. And it's exhausting. It's exhausting. Who's got time for it? But you do it anyway because it's something we all want. We all want love. We all want to feel loved. And I just, I hate it. I wish I was a person who was like asexual. No, you don't. No, you don't. Fine not having sex and fine not finding love. And what would you do with all of your time? Just work? Yeah. That sounds unfulfilling.

I mean, yes, but it would just make my life so much easier. Why? Why is dating so difficult? It's supposed to be fun. That's actually what I try to remind people. It's supposed to be fun. Sex is supposed to be fun. Dating is supposed to be fun.

If it's not fun, back away or date different people. Sex is fun. I love sex. Good. I do think I need to take a break right now because I've been like pretty fast and furious dating people and going on a lot of dates and just not having anything good happen. So I was like fast and furious from like October to December and nothing worked out the way I wanted it to. So now I'm taking a little siesta, a sabbatical, a little kickback and saying, I guess I focus on me.

I don't know. Chris, it's all bad. It's all very bad. I don't, I don't know what to say to that. I'm proud of you for getting out there for two months. You're a sex therapist. Therapize me. I'm trying. I'm trying. Well, you're putting the time in, but look, here's the thing. It's not supposed to be exhausting and depleting. So people should need to take breaks when that starts to happen because it makes you angry. It hasn't made me angry. It has made me more sad and tired because I go in and out of town. I'll go on a date with somebody and then I go out of town and then we have to like communicate via text or whatever.

And then it's like I have to split myself between my work and this person I'm trying to date. You, you, yeah, it sounds dramatic. Well, listen, I,

I have a clinical practice, a nightly radio show, a podcast, a new book coming out and I'm traveling for an endorsement deal. And guess what? I'm still talking to five people. Uh, you make things work if you need it.

That's, I read something online that said that men date six people at a time you are one off from six how are you talking to five different people um i'm a fast texter that's the best i can give you because here's the thing look i'm being serious i say this too many people see dating as the relationship dating is what you're doing to decide if you want a relationship so dating dating is supposed to be numbers, a numbers game. Slowly exploring, slowly comparing, slowly seeing. My last two relationships, we went on a date.

They stayed over. They never went home. Years went by. I move people in. I am looking for someone to move me in. Well, Nicole, I'm looking for a number six. All right. I guess I'll be number six.

Oh, baby, what a treat. I've always wanted to be number six on the roster of women. I don't want anyone to treat me as number one. Treat me as number six. Yeah, it's not a bad place. Less pressure. I guess. I don't know.

I just want to be number one in somebody's life. It'll happen. That's what people say, but I've been doing this podcast for a year now, and it has not happened. Also, I don't know what people want from me, and I don't know if people are matching with me, because if I was a person who is not in the public eye, I don't know if they'd be matching with me. And that's a weird question to ask somebody. No, I actually think that there's nothing wrong with acknowledging that part of what makes you great or fun and what's going to be a best part about dating you is that component.

I don't think there's any shame in that. You want someone who likes you, obviously for you. But I think that there's something exciting about dating people that have really fascinating careers. Everyone I've dated is in the industry in some capacity. And I was happy to take advantage of what that brought into my life. And if someone said, you know, like Dr. Chris, I'm dating you because of some of the people you get to work with. I'd be like,

yeah, that's part of the fun of it. Own that. If you were dating someone who called you Dr. Chris, I think you got to get rid of them and get down to four. Actually, what's funny is my, my ex did porn and I was once said that in public, I needed to use the porn name. And that's when I started saying, that's cool. And call me Dr. Chris. Wait, you had to use her porn name? It was actually a dude. I date guys and girls.

Oh, okay. Why did you have to use his porn name? That's his public persona. So you couldn't just call him his name? Oh, I guess that makes sense. Yeah. Huh. If you did porn, what would your porn name be?

Dr. D. I love that you had an answer on the ready. And there's a spin on that, right? The D starts to change, right? The meaning. I don't get it. I'm kidding. Oh, okay.

I get it. I make jokes for a living. I guess my porn name would be uh fat little chocolate monster that's a good one it'll sell well oh that'll sell well that little chocolate monster fucks again i don't know if anyone would buy that no it sounds like a mess uh you've spoken to me for 10 minutes now what's wrong with me i don't know where to begin. Oh no. Okay. Begin, begin in the middle. Oh man. Um, you got to slow down a bit. You got to slow down a bit. If this was a first date, I think I'd be a little overwhelmed. Okay. This, I mean, this is how I speak to people.

Is this really? Yes. So if I, if I crashed one of your dates, this is what I'd see. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Is this really? Yes. So if I, if I crashed one of your dates, this is what I'd see. Yeah. Wow.

Yeah. I think they're leaving overwhelmed. Okay. And also make sure you ask them questions about themselves. It's really important. That's how people walk away feeling really heard. I do try to ask men questions about themselves and women. Cause I also, you know,

fucking date everybody. Good. Good. I try. Yeah. I try to be like, tell me about you. But then a lot of people are real fucking boring. Yeah, I agree with that, actually.

You're just like sitting there, you're like, oh my God, we've been talking about mashed potatoes for the last 20 minutes. I mean, they're good, but like, why do you have such strong opinions about mashed potatoes? Actually, I love mashed potatoes, and I could probably talk about them for 25 minutes. I'm actually a really big fan of potato products, but waffle fries are my number one. Waffle fries are good because you can stack things on them and they become like little edible plates. I never did it like that. I'm a professional fat person.

I will make all food fun. Well done. Okay, so I can see how someone would be overwhelmed upon first meeting me. I don't know how to be chill. I'm not a chill person. Really? You've always been that way. Yeah. What was that like in school? Well, I had undiagnosed ADD. So teachers did not like me. But that actually you're, you're, you're bringing up a really important topic, which is, you know, if they medicated that away from you and they shamed it enough, you would have lost what helped you build an entire career. That's how I see a lot of my stuff.

Like when I was a kid, teachers and doctors tried to shame some of that stuff in me as well, but I personally built a career on that and also tattoos. The more tattoos I get, the more schooling and career stuff I built. So you got to see the beauty in those differences. What was your first tattoo? A really, really, really bad one across my pelvis that I got at 16 at a house party by some girl. And then I had sex with her while my friends watched after she tattooed me. Hey, now, what a dream. Yeah, it was a real party in high school. I guess so. Why did your friends watch? Whose idea was that? It's what you do when you're

16. Not all 16 year olds. I'll tell you that. we were we were a fast moving bunch where did you grow up philadelphia i also dated these amazing girls that would be like we would go to these house parties make out and then they'd be like here kiss my male best friend and so it was a lot of like you know bisexual swapping i did not have a high school experience like that it was just a lot of drinking and passing out what city are you from i'm from middletown new jersey yeah why do you know middletown no but i'm from philly yeah it's pretty close yeah i'm not familiar with middletown i heard of it though i mean it's a shitty little town in jersey where nothing exciting ever happens but there is a great dairy queen oh man that's all you got you should have come to philly oh dairy queen i don't like philly i

don't like pennsylvania I don't like Pennsylvania. What a rectangle of trash. Yeah, Philly's actually gotten a little bit better, but when I lived there, there wasn't much happening. That's why I had to run up to New York. How long were you in New York? About five years. I was in New York for eight years.

I love New York, but every time I go back, I'm like, ugh, this is exhausting. Yeah, it burns me out. I prefer LA. I like LA too. It is a little slower paced. I work more here. I'll live here probably, this is exhausting. Yeah, it burns me out. I prefer LA. I like LA too. It is a little slower paced. I work more here. I'll live here probably till I pass away. Okay, what else is wrong with me?

I feel like that, okay. If you could just cover the two things I already said, I think you're doing pretty good. Oh, really? Just be less? Yeah. Okay. It's not that you're too much. It's just I think early on, it could be overwhelming to someone.

Okay. But like this is what they're going to get if they stick around. It's great. All right. So upon first date. Okay. So coach me through a first date. I should be a little quieter. ask questions about them. What else? That's it. That is the entire first date. Okay. Should I sleep with these people on the first date? I'm a fan of having sex sooner than later.

Okay. Because it's an important level of compatibility that doesn't just figure itself out. And I'm not a fan of people attaching or creating some kind of relationship having not explored that. Because then you end up in my office. And that's what I do as a sex therapist. Like love each other we think each other is really attractive we want to build a life together but the sexuality is not happening and it's like i can't make someone have sexual chemistry if they don't have it yeah sexual chemistry is a very interesting thing it's funny when you're like attracted to someone and then you like try to fuck them and you're like, oh, this is bad.

Yeah, it ruins everything. You don't know how to fucking do anything. But there's people that will delay that as long as possible as though it doesn't matter. That's crazy to me. Want to look at my Tinder profile? Yes. I want to read the bio. Okay, so, okay, here we go.

Well, I'm glad you clarified what thought means because if you just had that definitely a thought, I think it might throw people off. I guess you can, okay, so here's what Nicole says. It says that definitely a thought i think it might throw people off i guess you can okay so here's what nicole says it says definitely a thought the happiest out there i guess you can say i'm looking for the greatest love of my life for the greatest dick of my life so i don't want to shame your slutty hood because we're very pro slut um i would pull out that you're also looking for the greatest dick of your life. Okay. Oh, wait, hold on. I'm looking at your photos. There's a picture of you with a gigantor dildo.

That's good. That's good. I would take the dildo pic out. Okay. I like you with the dog. There's two of you bent over. You're showing your fun. You're comfortable with yourself. I mean, you gotta see the whole body before you meet somebody.

I don't want anyone to think I'm smaller than i am that's just a lie i think the picture of you with the gigantic dildo you should delete okay and if that's coming from me you really need to because i'm i'm sex positive as all sorts of hell uh-huh all right so i gotta all right wait when people wait when you match with people do they call that out they don't mention that dildo at all sometimes they do sometimes they don't i think it's a good barometer because like if you point it out and then can move past it i'm like oh okay so like you a thought it was funny b thought it was intriguing c you can move the fuck on i i'm so on the fence about that stuff like if you read mine you would think it was a little more watered down than i am in that like

when i talk about some of the work i do like like the sex stuff, it can freak some people out. But on the other hand, it needs to if it is. And I want to know that because that's what my life is. What is the sex stuff you do? Well, I mean, okay. So I have a podcast with Amber Rose and we talk explicitly about sexuality. I work in my clinical practice, you know, just specifically with people's sex lives. So I'm really comfortable talking about sexuality.

I'm quite kinky myself. So I don't like dating people that are vanilla sexually. I'm sexually fluid. That stresses people out. Honestly, I'm pretty much open for anything as long as the other person's into it. Okay. Because I like these. No, that's i think that's

the one thing that hasn't that hasn't happened okay yeah all right fair i don't i don't think i could ever shit on somebody you'd be surprised i really don't think i could even if okay even intoxicated if the person was begging for it yeah i don't don't think so. I think I don't think it would turn me off. Sometimes it's loose. It would just be a real big mess to clean up. I had a girl. That's, that's truly the only reason. And then it's like, oh, so now we got to do laundry. Well, did you come? I sure didn't. I was worried about the loose shit running down your chest. It's a hard transition out of, right? That's what you're saying. How do you just go to dinner right? Yeah. That's what you're saying.

How do you just go to dinner right after that? I mean, you'd have to go to dinner before to get all the shit up in you. Eat a big old meal, maybe a little bit of cheese. Get it going. Yeah, that's a party. Yeah, you're a handful. But I think it's good. I think it's good.

You know, let people know what they're in for. I don't know how to like turn it off. I don't know. I guess I it off. I don't know. I guess I could be more boring. No, don't be boring. I don't know. What's the wildest thing someone has come to you sexually with? That I can't really talk about.

Because I honor the work I do. Do you have to take a Hippocratic oath? Yeah, somewhat. And, you know, the people that come to me, they beautifully allow me into their private lives. And so I try to kind of honor that. But I can say this. So on my radio show, people publicly call in. And that's where I think some of the juicer things get brought up. Okay, give me some juice from your radio show. show well this one wasn't a column but this was something me and amber were talking about where there's a story tell me if you've heard this about a mom and a daughter who are not only sharing the daughter's boyfriend but they have all have sex together no i did not hear about this yeah it's very it's very 2019 i don't think i could fuck my mom well nicole you're trapped in 2018 well she's also dead so i physically can't fuck my mom. That's very difficult. Unless I dug that bitch up and said, let's go to town on these bones.

Well, luckily you're spared that, then. Yeah, that's a little wild. I don't think I could be sexually in my sister. I don't think I could fuck with my sister. I don't know. I think she'd be too awkward. That's honestly the real reason. I think she'd be in the corner being's honestly the real reason. I think she'd

be in the corner being like, Nicole, that's wild. Is she back in Jersey? No, she lives in Chicago and she's very quiet. She and her relationship? No, we both have abandonment issues. I've said this a bunch on the podcast. Both my parents are dead. So we believe that if we find someone to love us, they're going to just go away like our parents did. You're actually where you're supposed to be. You don't, you know, in your early 30s, these days you're supposed to still be kind of exploring, figuring things out and focusing on your career. So don't, don't panic. I mean, I'm in a full blown panic at all times because I'm like, what if I die tomorrow and I have loved nobody? And like my obituary won't say survived by her loving husband, it'll be survived by a bunch of fucking friends.

It'll say nailed it. I hope not. I would literally come back from my death to then kill myself if my obituary said nailed it. Are you is it hard for you to live that down? People love saying it to me and people will follow you for a very long time on the street nailed it this dude almost hit me with a car and he's like i almost nailed it and i was like you don't get to do that after you almost hit me people love screaming it during shows uh and then people unconsciously say because it's a phrase so people like oh yeah i nailed it and i'm like i have like ptsd and i'm

like oh this is a trigger there's a trigger for me because i hear it all day long but congrats at the same time because that means you're part of something iconic thank you i mean i love it it's a great show i'm having fun uh all the crew members are married so like there's no love there except for this one camera operator who i was supposed to go out with, but then he bailed on me three times. So then I was like, peace out. I'll see you when we shoot. And then I can't wait to bring it up. It's just your life.

Chris, we have to take a break. And we're back. Wasn't that a lovely break? Yeah, we got a lot done during that break we truly did um let's see what question i don't have any like sex questions well ask me about tango you remember you know that nice box of sex toys you got oh tanga yes that yes tell me about tango what's tango well did you look at the toys? I did. And there's a nice little cock ring in there that I'm finna to use on somebody or with somebody. And then there's those eggs that you jizz in. Oh, did you actually open those?

No, but I watched a video of a man jizzing in it. So Tenga has a product called the Tenga Egg. And that's the one that I give to people. And that's my favorite because it's the most honest, which is guys are lazy sexually and guys are lazy masturbatorily. Okay. Where women are the ones that are willing to like take time to shower or to get a sex toy or to use the sex toy. Guys just want to rub one out and be done. And that's why the egg is perfect because it's one use. There's lube in there.

It's small. You can throw it in your bag, take it with you. That's my favorite one. That's what I give to guys. It is very funny that it comes in a carton, like a little cheese egg carton. It's an egg. Those in the cups also, they have the cup, which is also disposable. I want people to care more about their sexuality.

And masturbation is always treated as just like something you do as a kid or something you do if you're single or don't have a partner. But it's an important thing. I think so. It relieves stress. I love masturbating. I masturbate every night right before bedtime. Not a girl.

You have to come every single day. That's what I think. Do you crash at night or do you like, I'm trying to think about your energy patterns. No. So you jump out of bed doing like a backflip, hit ground running and then you run run run all day and then you don't just like pass out and crash no I have a very hard time falling asleep wow so it doesn't stop no I'm exhausted all the time yeah it's very exhausting being me um but I will sleep like I like uh when I landed in New York on Friday, I got to my hotel and like

napped for three hours and then went out. So like I try to get my little sleeps in when I can. But I just I don't know. It's just how I am. I'm just I just have a lot of energy. I don't know how to not have energy. No, it's good. Thank you.

It's good. It's it's just it's new. Thank you. It's good. It's, it's just, it's new for some people. Yeah. Yeah. I also, uh, I was dating this dude who hated that I would never sit in my assigned seat at the arc light. I also, I just like, I like to make up my own rules. Like far away from your assigned seat or nearby?

Uh, anywhere I fucking want. Wow. Look at you. Cause usually I'm late. So the movie's like, why are you late for everything um because it's very time is a construct time isn't real time isn't real all right i get it i get it so you just basically you just do what you want kind of okay also i just uh you know before i leave my house i have to play with my dog for a little bit i will always find something to do when I have to be somewhere.

So like the movie's already started. And if it's not full, you sit wherever the fuck you want. So you, you do know that you're the girl that we all hate when we're there on time, trying to watch our movie and you come in with like popcorn spilling everywhere, making us all stand up and you're probably talking. Yeah,

that's cool. I talk through movies. You are, you are, you are actually the reason why i don't go to the movies anymore hey i watch them at home because of people like you you better believe half the time i have a bottle of wine and i'm going to town oh my god you're probably the one during the horror movies that at the most stressful tense moment which is the only moment you're

truly there for you're the one who then starts in on a conversation at a girl yeah yeah i don't know that's just who i am i don't know i just want a boyfriend i just want someone to be like i love this mess of a person no they will they will they will it's just going to take a little time people have to get out of their system thinking that they want something more stable. What do you mean? I mean, you don't know me, but I can be- No, Chris, I don't. I can be a lot. I'm a little tired today or else my energy level would probably be where yours is at. Okay.

So much so that I've been on dates before where literally the next day they're like, were you on blow at the date? Yeah, because I was so nonstop with my movement, my talking. And I realized that I'm built for people later in life. Like when you think you want something stable and solid, that's not me. That's not you. But a few years after that, when you realize you just want something really fun and dynamic, then you come to daddy. Oh, when will someone come to mama?

Yeah, I also just like worry about entering a relationship with somebody because i'm gone a lot yeah i when i'm here in la i'm working a lot so it has to be someone who's like very happy with their life and is happy that i want them in my busy life and that i've made time for them yeah but like you have to be okay alone but is it that your career has to come before theirs? Or are you willing to also partake in their life and what they're doing? Cause their work might not be as interesting as yours. I'm willing to participate in whatever work they do, whatever they think is interesting. So if you date a lawyer, you're going to go to their like gala. Yeah. I, if they wanted me to go to a gala and I was free and available, I would go.

Uh, but like, I'm not going to stop my career for anybody. Yeah. Like I'm not going to miss work because they're like, I want you to be home. I'd be like, no, I'm so sorry about that.

Yeah. Which might be, you know, bad, but I just refuse. My career will always come first. Yeah. And that's your safety.

That's where the abandonment comes in. Right now, your career isn't abandoning you. It's always there for you. It feels good. You don't trust that people do that. Well, also, my career can't abandon me. My career is self-motivated. Yeah.

If it were to derail, it would be because I'm not putting in the work. And I'll always put in the work. I'm always writing. I'm always performing. I'm always doing shit. Yeah, and somebody has to just like, be okay with that just just don't hide in it i i did that for a long time where i was i thought i was quote-unquote working hard on my career but i was kind of doing

is just making myself not available and i was hiding and so i was dating people and they were leaving saying that i was working too much but i I took that like as like, oh, that's great. Well, of course, I'm working too much. Like what a compliment. I realized, nah, relationships and people have to be as important as our careers. Like you have to find a place for literally both of them to be as important. Because I'll tell you later in life, when you look back, you'll be glad you did everything you did career wise. But you will be glad if you also put time into relationship.

It won't be enough to just say, well, I really did all my career stuff. I mean, I am trying to make time, but not right now. Right now I've given up just for now, just for the month of December. But you're still online. So you're in the game a little bit. Yeah, but I'm not answering anybody. I'm not. Oh, wow.

Okay. I'm not doing it. So you're matching, but ignoring. You're that one game a little bit. Yeah, but I'm not answering anybody. I'm not. Oh, wow. Okay. I'm not doing it. So you're matching but ignoring. Mm-hmm. No, you're that one. Sorry about it. Sorry. I'll come find you when I'm ready.

Oh, man. Good times. I mean, is it? You seem to have such a positive outlook. Well, I'll say you got five bitches in the stable. Yeah. Or hoes? No. What's a gender non-specific word? or hoes no what's a gender non-specific

word hose hose is pretty gender non-specific right five hoes in the stable not not if they all hear about that hear this podcast they'll be like am i number one or number three or number two or number four what number i hope you get texts that are like, what number? How am I? How do you have, I honestly, how do you have time for five different people? Do you see all five people like once a week? No, I, I work like 8am till about 10pm every day, Monday, Monday through Friday. So it's more about if I've time during the day for a lunch or coffee, and then I just try to squeeze everyone on the weekends as best as I can. But that means I don't get to see everyone even once a week. Hmm. And people are okay with this. You have to be, it's kind of like what you were saying. I'm not gonna, you know, shut down all the things I'm getting to do. It's a really fun time right now. I think that's why I can really,

I max out at like three people because I try to see everybody once a week just because i i don't know i like i like having sex at least once a week so i gotta see somebody that's not bad once a week you can pull that off yeah but it is a little exhausting because it'll be like i only have tuesday and wednesday free all right i'll see you wednesday great we hang out and then I'm going to get on a 6am flight on Thursday. Yeah, it's, it's a lot, but it is something I want. So I am. So wait, will you, will you date us like a very overt fan, like on Tinder, it's possible someone doesn't know who you are, but if you are doing a show and then afterwards someone comes up and hits on you, is that comfortable for you? Uh, yeah, but it has never happened. I mean, it's happened maybe twice.

Well, it's probably, I mean, it's, that's an intimidating experience to go to someone show that someone who's the star of something and then have the confidence to hit on them afterwards as a quote unquote normal person. Women do it all the time. Men have so many chuckle fuckers. Women do not have chuckle fuckers. I believe it. Uh, I don't think it's the compliment

i get from men a lot is uh i didn't know who you were before this my friend dragged me here but you were actually pretty funny you should keep doing this and i'm like oh cool i'm so glad that you gave me the confidence to keep going uh men love to give a backhanded compliment yeah or i i've been hit on by men who came with women who are obviously with that woman and i'm like you're a piece of shit yeah that's rough like i was in uh dc last weekend and during my show i was doing a joke about how being fat and being beautiful aren't mutually exclusive and i said beautiful and this man in the audience went sexy and i was like what are you doing screaming synonyms what's wrong with you and he was like you're sexy and I was like what are you doing screaming synonyms what's wrong with you and he was like you're sexy and I was like great I know you're not adding anything new to this and then his wife was

like he loves you and I was like great cool he's like I love your body and I said great I'm so glad we're having this conversation while I'm fucking at work then he like did an outline of my body and I was like you just outlined grimace. This is not fun for me. And then I said a couple things back, and then I was like, you have to shut the fuck up. You can't just talk during a show. But yeah, it's usually men who are with somebody, and they're like, I like you. And I'm like, well, you're unavailable. Also, you're screaming during a show.

You're a little troll, and I would never fuck you. Wow. You can't scream during a show. I learned that little troll and I would never fuck you. Wow. You can't scream during a show. I learned that. I learned that. Why would you ever? I dated a comedian and I learned that very quickly. Yeah.

Although it's hard because sometimes you all say stuff that's a little problematic. I don't know specifically if you do, but we're at that moment now where it's hyper social justice-y and so people are kind of calling things back. So, yeah. I don't think it's super problematic. i talk a lot about myself that's why it works so i mean if you have a like if you find it problematic that i'm talking about weight in a certain way it's like well it's my body yeah i'm talking about my body no i went to are you familiar with the ice house in pasadena i've never been but yeah okay so i went there twice because you know i'm dating a comedian and it was shocking the shit that people were getting up there saying like

cis hetero white dudes getting up there and saying straight up homophobic shit. And I'm looking around going like, no one's saying anything and people are laughing and that's the scariest part. And the overt racism that still flies like, okay, it's a combo. Number one, the overt racist stuff but then also the the lazy we've all heard that like one of them was telling the asian nail lady joke like number one we all heard that for decades not funny boo number two that's fucking racist what's going on i don't know why people think it's okay to like get up on a stage and say something racist or sexist or homophobic or xenophobic but it like i was at a show where a guy was telling i don't even remember

the premise of the joke but the punch line was essentially like black hookers are free because they're shit and i i don't talk during shows i don't heckle but i just said no you can't no and then he was like oh somebody's angry and then he like went into another pretty like racist thing and i was like stop like it was just if that it was just i couldn't sit there and like the audience was groaning but like he needed to know that there weren't groans that are like oh wow he went there it was like groans that are like i can't believe you fucking went there so like that that's like the one time I've heckled. Yeah.

Because comedy shouldn't hurt. No. And there is a line. Yeah. There has to be. But like, you have to be able to release the tension in a way where like people don't leave a show feeling worse than they did coming in or like during your set being like is this person like an awful person but it's rare for comedians to be willing to talk like you're talking like a lot of them defend it and it's it's just so fascinating to me um there was also a guy who had a sign that listed all the problematic things he'll say in a show and it was almost like

a waiver you were signing on you know entering his entering his show. Like, just so you know, I say all this messed up stuff, enter your own risk. And it was like, I hadn't seen that before. So that's at least a step forward. Not okay. But still, at least he's like letting you know, I'm going to make you, you know, I'm going to be attacking all different minorities. But as, as I do the work, I do more and I'm very, my values are very feminist and social justice-y.

That stuff is just not something I can sit through quietly. It is. That is wild. I've never heard of anyone being like, enter your own risk. I'm going to talk about every bit. Like there's comedians, like I love Anthony Jeselnik and he tells like tons of dead baby jokes and like very misogynistic jokes. But like they're very well written. And I feel like there's a whimsicality to him that

you're like, I don't think he's murdering babies. Like, I think they're jokes. Like a lot of them are jokes, but then like somebody can get on stage and you're like, I feel your hatred. I feel in your soul that you're like, this is a joke based in my truth and it's nasty. And you're like, this, that's bad. That for me is like not okay. But yeah, comedy is a very, very interesting fine line. And that's why I try to talk about myself. And if somebody says, oh, your joke was offensive because of X, Y, and Z, I don't apologize for the joke because at the time I thought it was funny. But in the future, I will adjust it or like I'm not going to just ignore it and be like, well, fuck you. That was funny. I'll go. All right. Well, let me think about it. And then I'll stop telling the joke for a while. And then usually I'll be like, oh, I and years and years ago. I was, like, I have an imaginary boyfriend, and he beats me.

And that's just, like, you know, an ism of where, like, I'm at in my head. Even my imaginary boyfriends are bad to me. And then someone was, like, well, like, abuse isn't funny. Like, it's, I get what you're trying to say, that, like, men are bad to you even in your imagination. But, like, women, that's triggering. That's triggering for a woman to hear. And at the time, I was, like,, yeah, but like, it's my joke. But then I like really thought about it and was like, Oh, Hey, it's not that funny. B it is awful to try to make a joke about

abuse. You're not even just talking to that one girl. You're talking to like 80% of girls. Yes. To a lot of women who've been abused. And yeah. And it. That's a big one. Yeah. And it was just like, oh, yeah, of course that's offensive to people. And it should be offensive to men, too. It should be offensive to everybody. So then I was just like, yeah, I can't do that. And yeah, it's like a lot of not soul searching when you're doing comedy, but like truly just keeping your ear to the ground to be like, is, is this, is this worth it? Is it worth it to say this out loud?

And how about when you look back at your life, wanting to have a legacy that wasn't rooted in, you know, oppression. Yeah. Like I want to look back at my life and know I did something meaningful that helped change or progress culture. Not,

you know, part of like Trump's America. Yeah. I mean, we're living in shitty times. Even, even in my field, psychology and therapy, um, it's rooted in really offensive values. And so that's why,

you know, I work with the people I work like Amber to try to just give people a more body positive, sex positive healing psychology. Psychology is a mess. Yeah. My therapist is pretty like when I first started seeing her, she was like, well, what is your goal? And I was like, I don't know, to fix me. And she was like, why? And I was like, I don't know, because I feel broken. She's like, well, you're not broken. Nobody's broken.

And also, we're not going to fix you. We're going to have you learn to accept you. And I was like, okay. And I was like, okay. So it's been like a year and a half, maybe two years. And it has been so helpful that like I respond to things in a very, in a way that's like heightened. I'm a heightened personality. So like when something upsets me, like it upsets me. And I've learned that like I can be upset in the moment and I can't react, especially if someone has made me upset. I have to take some time, let time pass, and then I can respond like a human and not like an insane person. And that was a very hard lesson to learn, but, like, good. It's been helping my personal interactions with friends and, you know, people I meet. I love therapy. I think it's good. But I do.

OK, what do you think is more intimate sex or kissing? I actually think sex and kissing are the same thing. Oh, OK. It's just two different I mean, two different parts of your body building intimacy and connecting with another person. I mean, I think that's the problem is we tend to, when we talk about sex, we think it's penetration. But sexuality is all of these all-encompassing things. But we tend to make, and that's actually the problem is people think that if you don't have penetration, it wasn't real sex or it wasn't successful sex. And not everyone's actually interested in penetration.

I try to help people diversify their sexuality. So it's not just rooted in that. That gets boring. I think the definition of sex is, did you come? Not everyone comes. What? What do you mean not everyone comes? But that's why masturbation is so important in sex toys.

It helps people there's a there's i work with a multitude of people where um they're either delayed they have delayed orgasms or they quote unquote think they come too fast and it goes back to what you just said about your therapy which is there's no right way or right or right length of time in which to orgasm some people it takes a lot longer some people a lot quicker just we have to learn to kind of accept and go with that people some people don't come um yeah there are some people uh guys and girls that i work with where it takes a lot for them to either be relaxed enough to be able to orgasm because it takes relaxation or for them to be aroused enough to orgasm and there's a multitude of reasons as to why and what do you tell them to do in case someone's listening and they they don't come well yeah i mean unfortunately it's unfortunately, it's not as simple as just like, here's this one quick thing to do.

I mean, I work with some people for months and years on this. But number one, it's like, is the sex you're having worth having? Because some people aren't coming because the sex you're having is really boring and not arousing and not what they want. But they're not confident asking for what they want. Or there's no sexual chemistry and compatibility. So like weigh in on that first. Ask for what they want or there's no sexual chemistry and compatibility so like weigh in on that first ask for what you want if you want to get tied up let that person know you want to get choked let them know that's right i'll say it on the first date what will you say

the first time i have sex with someone i'm like hurt me what I like. Do it. You can't truly hurt me. That's good. Because I'm dead inside. No, I'm kidding. I'm not dead inside, but I just, I like to be hurt. Yeah. And that's something I am into. I like it for you. Hey, thank you. You never said any specific kinks that you have. Yeah. Well, because for me, it doesn't live outside of the person. It's a very co-created

thing. So I'm not turned on by anything that someone else isn't turned on by. So it's kind of more like, what do we like together? Or what are some things you're interested in? Let me see if I'm interested in them, but there's no like, you know, universalized ones.

It's pretty dynamic. Right. Fine. I know. That's like the over intellectual answer. How boring. I know. I know.

Oh boy. I know. Well, I think we've come to the end dr chris donahue do you have anything you want to promote yeah my new book rebel love comes out in january um and my nightly radio show love line and my weekly podcast with amber rose yes yes yes and with Amber Rose. Yas, Yas, Yas. And where can they find this podcast? Podcast is Podcast One

and also Apple Podcasts, I think. Sick, sick, sick, sick. If you like this podcast,

please subscribe. Rated five stars on iTunes. If you send me a nasty little message, I'll read it on the podcast. I forgot to look for one to read today, so I'll make up one.

If you say something like, I'll sit on your face until your ball, until, let's see, no, okay. Yeah, we got it. If you send me a message that's like, I'll sit on your face and I'll make you choke on my balls. I'll read it out loud on the podcast unless I forget to screenshot it. And then I'll make up one. OK, thank you. Bye bye. This has been a Team Coco production.