Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Seeking Single Men at Target (w/ Janelle James)

Episode Date: February 28, 2020

Janelle James (stand-up, writer for Black Mondays) joins Nicole to discuss the difference between East coast and West coast men, when to let a guy see you without makeup, and the best time to find single men at Target.Plus, Nicole shares her experience co-hosting the gay porn awards.Need more Nicole Byer? Check out her new podcast - Newcomers! Her and Lauren Lapkus will be watching and reviewing Star Wars films for the very first time. Subscribe today so you don't miss an episode.Rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a dirty comment for a chance to have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyBuy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby, welcome to another episode of Oh Why Won't You Date Me? It's a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single even though you could lie to me for a full year and I'd still date you. I don't know, I'm running out of these little things that I say in the beginning.

Anyway, my guest today, she's on Black Monday. She has a Netflix half hour, quarter hour part of the lineup. It is Janelle James. Yay. Janelle. Yo, I told my fans not to follow me here. This is so embarrassing. Do you hear that?

It's very embarrassing. There's a bunch of fans here just breathing heavily in the mic. excited for janelle thank you for having me thank you for being here you lived in new york for a very long time yeah i did uh 15 years and now you're out here now i'm out here not still quite not living either i'm like You're like floating. I'm floating. That's what I would love. That's the dream. Just float in between. But I'm resisting.

Like every time I come, I'm here longer. So I'm like, fuck. You're just going to end up moving here. I know. Just let me have. Let me believe I won't. Do you think dating is easier in New York or LA? Oh, definitely New York.

Right? Yes. I miss New York. Right? Yes. I miss New York. I mean, you just see, you just come in contact with more people. Yeah, I miss going to a bar, making friends with a bunch of people

and then being like, I go home with you. Which one of y'all? Or I go home with you. Exactly. I go home with you. Which one? Yo, I just came from

a little cafe, Earth, ran a corner and it had this classic LA girl in front of me, Earth, ran the corner and it had this classic L.A. girl in front of me like, you know,

biracial spring curls, tattoo behind the ear, you know what I mean? You know, yoga body. And I was like, look at this pretty bitch. And she,

we ended up talking because I talk to everybody and then this, the lamest dude rolled up and kissed her on her cheek and I was just like bitch you see what I'm saying like in New York she wouldn't even look at that dude it was like a white dude with gold fronts it was so LA like I was just

like this is so kismet that I see this before I go come on talk on this show like you have to lower your standards so much out here and it's And it's just, it's sad. Anyway. That's very funny. Is it not true, though? I mean. I see the prettiest broads with just like, what? I think that's like a full West Coast thing.

Because when I go to Portland, it happens in Portland. It'll be like a beautiful woman and then a little hobbit walks up and is like, hey. It's just like, does the the sunlight the non-sunlight affect women and men differently because the dudes are not bringing it i also think men are more attractive in new york that's what i'm saying like it's just more of them oh you mean like they are attractive or they just look more attractive in new york no i think they're actually more attractive like they're not I feel like out here you got, like, pretty pretty men. Like, pretty men where you're like

you're just pretty. And I don't think I want anything to do with that. I don't want to maintain myself to the level that it will take to keep you pretty man. You know what I mean? Like, I don't want to do the extra work. Uh-huh. Or even, like, listen about your macros and shit. You know what I mean?

I don't want to have pretty mad conversations. Yeah, I feel like it's not even like men are more real in New York. I don't know. I think they're just better. They're just better. I think East Coast dudes are better. They're too laid back in a non-manly way. I don't know.

Yeah. But I'm also very, I'm from the islands, so I'm very steeped in traditional masculinity. What island are you from? San Tomas, U.S. Forge and Islands. Bop, bop, bop. Pew, pew, pew, pew. So that's something I've been trying to unlearn. But I very much look for like traits like my dad, like just, you know, stereotypically

masculine, you know, type. And I ain't seeing it out here in L.A., so. Yeah, I think I want a sensitive boy. Well, you should be cool. Well, I mean, that's, I would say, what I've noticed is if you date younger, you can get one of those. Because those are the new men who are sensitive. The new men. Yeah, like they're able to talk

about their feelings that's what i want get go younger because my dad never talked about his feelings mine didn't either and that's why my dad's from barbados maybe it's a it's a black man island man thing that's why i say i'm trying to unlearn it but i find when men do it annoys me i say i want it but then when they start I'm like please shut up I feel like sometimes they start and you're like I don't know why you have feelings about this this is stupid

what they have feelings about is annoying yeah yeah I don't know if it's nurture or nature like why is it actually what they're talking about

annoying or we're just not used to hearing men talk like that I think it it might be a little bit of both where it's like, what you're complaining about is fucking annoying. One,

two, I'm not used to like a man being like, this hurt my feelings. That's so awful. The fact that I haven't ended up with like a woman beater by now, I'm so lucky because the things I look for in men is awful. But yeah, somebody, a man saying that hurt my feelings. I have to fight a urge before I say, well, what's wrong?

I will say I have gotten better. I will say what's wrong eventually. But my initial. I mean, like five seconds later. But that first five seconds, I'm like. Are you on the apps at all? all no i'm too old for that i don't but how do you meet people i mean we're comics we're out i never meet anyone at shows like i've never had an audience member be like i've never had an audience member be like oh my god you're so funny and I

gotta fuck. I mean really I should take that back because usually men don't approach me in shows they'll email me later like and that's weird. Oh. So but how do I meet men? I don't know like I said I talk to everybody so if I'm and I know a lot of women don't like this but I

everybody I've had every man I've had like a serious relationship with I approach them.hmm. So if I'm, and I know a lot of women don't like this, but I, everybody I've had, every man I've had like a serious relationship with, I approach them. Oh. So it's worked for me because I have specifications. I can't wait for that. What are your specifications? You know, like I'm into what I'm into. I don't, you know, it's not even like I have a type, but I'm not attracted to many people. So when I see someone I'm attracted to I gotta

make the move because when else am I gonna see somebody you know and it's worked out for me I usually make the move and chase people but I say chase okay I don't understand okay so you make the move and then what you fall back and then you let them chase you? I mean, yeah. I've straight up stepped to me like, hey, are you attracted to me? And if so, here's my number. And sometimes they call you, sometimes they don't. But I don't have that rejection feeling, I guess, that stops women from doing that. It don't affect me because I'm just like,

all right, well, that's just somebody I didn't know that I still don't know. I wish I had that. Change your thinking a little bit, I guess. I don't know. I need to borrow some of that from you because I'm always like, please don't reject me.

Make it smell that. You know nobody wants that. I know. I don't think I'm like desperate, but... But I can't go on apps. That's too embarrassing. It is embarrassing. You want apps?

I'm on all of the apps. As Nicole Byer? Yes. Yikes. You know? Yeah, because I'm like, I don't know.

I don't meet people at shows. I don't meet people at work. I don't. You always on the road. Yeah, I'm on the, I don't know how to meet people. So at shows. I don't meet people at work. Yeah, you're always on the road. Yeah, I don't know how to meet people, so I'm on these fucking apps. Target Friday night. You know they ain't got no girl. They ain't on Friday night.

Yeah, maybe I'll start doing that. Go to Target on Friday night. See if there's a dude there for me. They buy groceries. You're like, oh, he cooks. If they're in the home section. Oh, maybe he has an apartment of their own. I mean, it tells you so much.

I have met a man at Target, by the way. And TJ. What's it called? TJ Maxx? TJ Maxx. Marshalls. Ross Dress for Less. Trader Joe's.

Trader Joe's. I was not going in the right direction. You're like, big lots. Big lots? You mean people have big lots? Oh, boy. Yeah. Every now and again, I get a message that's like, are you really Nicole Byard?

I'm like, if I wasn't, I would pick someone better to catfish with. Why would I pick Nicole Byard? I'm not even like, oh, I'm famous. I'm just like, there's people that also know me on there. Yeah, it sucks. It just. The comics know you like long walks on the beach and shit I can't live it down

I can't I very rarely come across other comedians really? very rarely I mean I've sat with men as they're swiping other male comics

and seen female comics oh really? so I think that and that was very early on in when you know when everybody was on Tinder

and that turned me off immediately. So I've never, I love that you're not on the apps, but you still be fucking. I still be fucking man. What's the worst date you've been on? Oh shit. I mean,

it's been a long time. I don't really deal with much bullshit no more. Like, that's the one, one of the many benefits of getting older. Like, I am like out of the first, first gut feeling.

But when I was younger, oh God, when I first moved to New York, this guy, we met probably on the street and like how people used to meet and we planned a date. He picked me up from work.

Granted, you know, I don't know anybody in New York at that time. I had just moved there. So he could have took me anywhere, but he's like, oh, I'm going to take you to, I forget where we were going, but we ended up deep in Brooklyn and I lived like in Harlem. And he's like, oh, I got to go drop something off in my house. Get there. He's like, come in, have a drink. And I'm like, no, I'm cool. I'll like in Harlem. And he's like, oh, I got to go drop something off in my house. Get there. He's like, come in, have a drink. And I'm like, no, I'm cool.

I'll wait out here. And this man turned into a maniac like right away. Really? I really feel like I escaped something. Oh, no. And I've had multiple dates like that. Where a man just like switches on and off. Like, oh, you're crazy.

You know? Oh, no. So, yeah. I know maybe that's's serious maybe it was supposed to be like a I threw up type story but those are like my worst dates where it's like oh I'm in danger I went on a date with a man who I met on the street of New York I was walking to work and I can't I was working at Lane Bryant I can't remember what he said to me that I was like yeah let's exchange numbers but we like started texting I found his myspace yes uh he found my myspace and we were myspace friends no he was not in my top eight thank you very much that was

reserved for my best friends but uh he asked me out for coffee. We met in Bryant Park. And he immediately just started insulting me. And I was like, what is happening? And then I was like, thank God I didn't meet him for a drink or something. Because I was like, if you're going to be mean to me sober, I don't want to see you fucking drunk. I've been running into that a lot lately. And I know, I remember when that whole, what's it called? Pickup artist shit started going with with white dudes where they're like nega yeah black dudes are doing that now and i'm like yo y'all and i'll tell them right

away like yo whatever the fuck you saying right now i don't like it like this whole compliment insult shit they do i i check that shit right away like this it's so corny like y'all supposed to have swag and charm like y'all doing this white boy shit now it's so disappointing but this is I have like those type of conversations a lot now I don't know what

like women make money now that's what it is that's what I think it is maybe they're intimidated so they have to like push us down a little bit

like they they innately know that they're not good enough for us I just so I have to insult you you're a public figure can you imagine in their brain they're like this chick is famous uh-huh I have to let her you know what I mean I had this one dude that I was trying to hook up with he was like he had come to my show and I met him afterwards for a drink and he was like yeah I didn't know who you were my friend's the one who brought me and I was trying to hook up with, he was like, he had come to my show and I met him afterwards for a drink

and he was like, yeah, I didn't know who you were. My friend's the one who brought me and I was like, oh, okay. Exactly.

I don't know why you thought I needed to know that if you were there. He knew who you were. Yeah, it's just, I don't know. I don't understand.

I mean, it's an easy way to figure out, find a loser, like, to know a loser like right away like I immediately ghost people like that

I'm like oh you have self-esteem issues you ghost people yeah I mean if you just met somebody that's yeah

I don't think you're like I fucking love ghosting people it's my hobby I am pretty harsh I mean well how many okay how many I don't think it's ghosting if I just met you so if it's my hobby I am pretty harsh I mean well how many

okay how many I don't think it's ghosting if I just met you so if it's like one date you'll ghost okay that's not ghosting

that's just like this didn't work out because they usually do that nagging shit right away so you're like oh you're one of those dudes I'm out of here

you know whereas when I was younger I would have oh my god you're so mean I can't even why'd you say that and it's so funny

because it's like nagging is there's a difference between like playfully you know like you know Oh my God. You're so mean. I can't even. Why'd you say that? And it's so funny because it's like, negging is, there's a difference between like playfully, you know, like, you know, roasting somebody. Ain't no first date.

But yeah, like a first date is like, I don't fucking know you. Don't even playfully roast me on a first date. You don't know shit about me. I don't know you. I had a, a comic who was hosting for me,

who was like kind of negging me. And I was like, I don't know you. And like, two of my friends were also on the show. So like we were kind of roasting each other and I was like I don't know you and like uh two of my friends were also on the show so like we were kind of roasting each other yeah I was like I know these people right I don't fucking know they know your boundaries yes and where to go yeah yeah I'm like a dude no it was a girl oh uh and I had run the light at the first show by like I don't know 10 minutes but I said it on stage I

was like I'm running the light you guys are a great crowd I want to give you one last story and after the show she was like when's the next show gonna start I mean if Nicole hadn't run the light and I was like holy shit I can't believe you're you're employed this weekend because of me this is an out-of-town comic that's like her hometown type shit yes oh so she the big She the big bitch in her town I guess so I was truly like She's like look I run this chuckle hut

Okay I run this chuckle hut Don't be running a light In South Dakota Don't do it Also comedy clubs Have this The dumbest name

I know Chuckle hut You're not far off. I'm sure it exists. There's a place called Magoobies. Not to like shit on Magoobies, I've never played there,

but what an insane name. Like, what are you doing tonight? Ooh, we're going to Magoobies. What the fuck? So imagine that's the height of your shit so far

and here comes this famous chick. Uh-huh. Who runs a like 10-minute... Because that's all that shit is. All roasting and all that shit is just selfish. Like, they're feeling threatened in some way. the height of your shit so far and here come this famous chick who runs a like 10 minutes all that shit is all roasting and all that shit is just selfish like they're feeling threatened in some way and i ain't got time for it uh i have gotten some of the weirdest gigs lately

like i just co-hosted the gay porn awards yes it was maybe they were the best audience i've had in a very long time they were there for fun they understood that like when i spoke they had to listen and there would be laughs like people at clubs are now screaming at me and shit and i it's exhausting but the keyboard awards man i would take that audience with me anywhere i loved them so what So what are the award categories? Oh, you better believe there was a best butt. Best bisexual. Mateo Lane has just a great

fucking body. His body is insane. His butt is perfect. And you just want to grab it. Is there two dimples? I haven't been on the page in a while. Does he also have butt dimples? I think he's got two little butt dimples? I haven't been on the page in a while. Does he also have butt dimples? I think he's got two little butt dimples. I can't stand that dude.

Ugh. I love him. Anyway. What a beautiful buddy. Best butt. Best newcomer. But they spelled it correctly. And I was like, you missed an opportunity for something.

Also, there was like 17 people nominated for best newcomer. And I was like, who wasn't nominated? Also, they started the award show with an In Memoriam segment. Oh, no. With like soft music and then headshots of gay porn stars shirtless. Not their dicks. They should have just shown their dicks. Everybody like, oh, my God, that's Michael.

They should. And I felt bad laughing but I was like we understand that this is goofy as fuck right and why start this show like that maybe in the middle of the show and then one of the porn stars was like meth kills

and I was like oh my god and we did this pre-tape segment as like a bit to open the award show. And we were taping it. And the director goes, so it was like me, my co-host, and then like four porn stars. And the director goes, all right, we're going to do a POV shot. And one of the porn stars goes, this little twink goes, what's a POV?

And then this other one goes, do you even do porn? And it made me laugh so hard. And then he goes, well, I don't know all the nicknames to the shots yet. And I was like, honey, it's a point of view shot. And he was like, one day I'll learn all the nicknames. I was like, well, I just told you one. Oh my God.

And then I was talking to you. Are you new here? Yeah. Are you new here? How do you not know? Do you even do porn? You should just say that randomly. Yes, you can do porn. Here's your latte. do you even do porn you should just say that randomly yes you can do porn

here's your here's your latte do you even do I said hot chocolate do you even do porn yes that's my new shit it was so funny I was talking to a producer

and I was like oh yeah I've got like a pretty busy week ahead of me and then he goes I have a busy week too I'm doing a DP double penetration I was like oh yeah I've got like a pretty busy week ahead of me and then he goes I have a busy week too I'm doing a DP double penetration I was like I know what

I know what a DP is and then I have an orgy later just so casually talking about it it was very fun yeah I was like you got me do you even do porn actually I don't I don't do porn? Do you even do porn? Actually, I don't. Actually, no.

I don't do porn. I'm here because I'm fun. It was also on Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday. So you better believe I wrote a Martin Luther King Jr. cum joke. And I was like, this might be the highlight of my career. That's cool. I mean, that's one of the things I'm envious about you. You get to do such a wide range of shit. No, I'm just saying.

The weirdest shit. I would totally love to. To go to gay porn. No, I wouldn't. They know. They know. They know I'm not going to do it. That's why they don't ask me.

It's like one week you're doing something for Planned Parenthood, then you're doing something for the Gay Porn Awards. Hey, they all feed into each other, do they not? I guess so. All related. We have to take a break and we're back just a quick little ad break um when you are looking for a man what are you looking for right now i ain I ain't looking for nothing, which is so freeing. Like, I'm for real.

I'm over it. You know what I mean? Kind of. So it's kind of freeing and also aggravating because men want you to feel like you're looking for them. If that makes sense. Yes. So because I'm not looking for them, I have more than I've ever wanted. You know what I mean?

That type of shit. But I really don't want nothing from any of them except a couple pumps and go to the movies. A couple pumps and go to the movies. Go to dinner and then beat it. Like for real. Like I just that's all I want. Like somebody to hang out with every once in a while and then beat it. I have kids already. I've had long relationships already. How many kids do you have? I have two sons. I don't think I knew this about you. I feel like I hid it for a long time because of sexism. And also, I didn't want to, when I started, I didn't want to get shuffled into mom comedy.

Sure. And that was very much like, I remember the first time I kind of said it in a, like a meeting for a manager or something they were like oh well you could do it was like cooking shows and I was like yo I don't that's not who I am you know what I mean like I do have kids but I don't want to be talking

on morning shows about children. That is fucking so weird that you say something about yourself and then people immediately go oh well she must want to talk about her kids all the time. Well, I don't even think stuff. And now when I think about it now, that wasn't like a bad thing on their part for management. Because they're like, oh, this is how I know you can make money.

Like they were just me personally. I didn't want to go that way. I think I went a harder route. You know what I mean? And trying to talk about my kids In a non You know what I mean So these two kids I know No no no Not even these

I do talk about them But I'm not like I don't complain about them You know what I mean Like mom comedy is like Oh god So You know

When you're dropping your kids off In soccer And I just didn't want to do that I just talk about them Like like I don't know if that's a harder route I think it's a more creative route creative route yes not harder not that mom comedy is easy so yeah I didn't really mention I only mentioned them here and there for a long time and I just like recently in the last three years or stuff like started writing specific jokes for them because also now they're like people how old are they my oldest son is uh 16 and 12 oh my god yeah honestly you do have very good skin are you

wearing makeup right now i have on a bb cream oh my god you have great fucking skin thank you it's been a journey do you do you get like laser treatments or like chemical peels? I have gotten chemical peels before. Not currently, but I used to have really bad acne like six years ago. And then I just got really into skincare, trying everything, everything, everything. And I think really what happened is my hormones have calmed down now. And now I just have a regimen. If I fall off the regimen for two days, I look like a creeper. What is the... I look like straight up. What is the regimen. If I fall off the regimen for two days, I look like a creeper. What is the...

I look like straight up What is the regimen? Nosferatu. Tell me about it because I'm on a skincare journey and I'm going to try to clean my skin up. Well, what I will say first is

of course everything for each individual is different. So what works for me might not have to happen to you. But falling asleep in my makeup. Like, that's number one. Like like i used to do that shit all the time and then be like why do i look awful you know what i mean like where does it come from

so that's like i am i will come in drunk as fuck and still wash my face like it's not a game or what i'll do is i'll set a i'll come and set a timer for 20 minutes fall asleep and then wake up and wash my face like it's made such a difference. Uh-huh. Such a difference. I'm bad at that. Although, last night I took a bunch of mushrooms and drank two bottles of wine. And you washed your face?

And I was fucked up, but I washed my face. Hell yeah. I'm just saying, like, let the vanity move you. I truly was looking in the mirror and I was like, my head looks like it's floating away, but I better catch it and wash it. That shit is gleaming. And then, yeah, I just do the whole wash, tone, fucking sunscreen. I know it just hit us blacks, but it's true. Yes.

That's why I look younger than I do. I've been doing sunscreen for like 10 years. You know what I mean? So I look younger than I am. Every once in a while, I'll do like a glycolic, like some kind of Sephora mask. One of them acids, which is a chemical peel, like a over-the-counter chemical peel. I do sheet masks. I do serums.

I just discovered serums. I mean, if you want to talk about it in depth, I will curate something for you. Tell me what kind of skin you have. Dry? Oily? It's very oily. Oily. Oh, you lucky.

You're going to look young forever. That's what people keep saying. Yes, yes. This one makeup artist started using, oh, fuck. I don't remember what it was, but it was like a, not tea tree oil, but like something to dry out my skin so it wouldn't be so oily. And she like fucked my skin up for like two years. Yeah. Tea tree oil, essential oils aren't supposed to go straight up on your face like that.

It's supposed to be diluted and something else. That's what I learned. Goddamn. It's so whack that one person could fuck you up for that long. Yes, for like two years. And I was like, oh, I want my oil to come back. I don't like being dry. I mean, that's like if you take like Accutane or something like that, you'd be dry forever. Also, Accutane makes you want to come back. I don't like being dry. I mean, that's like if you take Accutane or something like that, you'd be dry forever.

Also, Accutane makes you want to kill yourself. That's why I've never gone on it. I was like, I would hate to wake up with clear skin and be like, I want to die. I tried it for a month. It made me faint like multiple times. But bitch, my skin. You'd be falling out, but they're like, wow.

I haven't had clear skin like that. So you have to go with Accutane. You have to go monthly to refill it. They take your blood. They give you a pregnancy test because it's so strong. They don't want the liability. If you have a baby, it's going to fuck your baby up. Oh, my God. So you have to get a pregnancy test every month so they give you the next month.

So I remember I went back in, and he was like, how's it going? I was like, great. You know, I just faint every once in a while, but, you know. And he was like, what? I was like, oh, I fainted like three times. And he was like, you, you know, I just faint every once in a while. But, you know, he was like, what? I was like, oh, I fainted like three times. And he's like, you can't have any more. I was like, dude, look at my face. Look at my face.

I look beautiful. I shouldn't have said nothing. Because I had such bad skin. I was just like, I don't care. Just please give it to me. That is so wild that the side effects to this are you're going to kill yourself and you might faint a little bit.

Yeah, permanent dry eye. Permanent dry eye? Some people get that because it just sucks the moisture from your body. But it just shows you how much bad skin affects people that you're just willing to risk it.

Willing to truly struggle internally to look beautiful externally. You feel like people think you're dirty. You know what I mean? Or you don't wash your face if you have acne or whatever. It was a horrible time. So anytime when anybody tells me I have nice skin, I have to like, like me? I'm still like, you know, because I had bad skin for so long.

So anyway, thank you. You're welcome. It's a regimen. I'm telling, like, it's a lot. I have such bad skin that, like, if I sleep at a dude's house, I, like, fully sleep in my makeup. And I'm like, when do I show my true face? You know the meme where it's, like, a ball-headed doll and then it's, like, took off my eyelashes and makeup. Mess me with wigs.

I'm like, when do I let this dude see? Yes. The same. I'm like, okay, so let this dude see? Yes. The same. I'm like, okay, so when does he see my ball-headedness? When does he see my bare eyes with no lashes? When does he see my light eyebrow? Like, when do I show this person what I actually look like? You trying to get married?

I mean, eventually. So I would say six months. Six months after marriage? No, before you reveal. That's long enough. Deep in love. He don't care. He's seeing you as he wants to see you by that time i mean if you don't want nothing same night that's me i'm like yo i'm coming out with the head wrap the mushroom bonnet like i wear a giant satin bonnet and i'm like when do i show and i date a lot of white dudes i'm like when do i show

this white dude that i look like chef they lucky to even be pumping on top of you, girl. Are you crazy? Please. White dudes get no special treatment from me. It's not special treatment. I'm just like, oh, I got to explain a lot of things to you. Yeah, not special treatment, but nah. I'm not hiding myself for white dudes.

You know what you signed up for. And I'm assuming you liked it. That's why you're here. I told this one dude i was like yeah i wear a wig and he was like what yeah and i was like you can't this is not what what do you mean you don't know this is a wig he's like i just can't they don't know when white women are wearing wigs either no so uh i once i haven't dated a white dude in a long time no black men don't go for me it's so much

wrapped up in that but I do have a date with a black guy on Friday hell yeah but he kinda looks like me oh

he's like he's got a round cherub like face and I was like I mean we do ultimately end up with people that look like us

I know whenever I see old couples that like both look like lizards, I'm like, oh my God. How did you find each other? And did you ever look better? You're going to end up looking like them anyway,

so maybe just start. I guess. Just start out looking like each other. I'm trying to think. Do white guys go for me? White guys go for me. I mean, all men go for me in different looks. Don't you see? Don't you think? If your hair is straight, you get a certain black guy or a certain white guy.

If your hair is natural, you get a certain kind of white guy. And I change my look so much. So I don't know if I have a specific type that goes after me or not. It just depends on how I look. I just think it's super interesting. I usually get long-haired white dudes. Little Jason Momoa. Not like that.

I mean, I would love that. I slept with this white dude who... Like Dungeons and Dragons? Yes, that's what I get. A lot of fucking nerds. I think they're afraid of me. And I'm so into your sword culture. I don't understand Dungeons and Dragons. I don't get Siddlers of Catan.

That's another nerd fucking game. Oh, but back to wigs. I was fucking this white dude and he like pulled my hair and I pulled it forward. I was like, not my wig! Wow. And then what did he say? He was like, oh, so I'm sorry. And I was like not my wig wow and then what did he say he was like oh um

so I'm sorry and I was like keep going how long did that last oh that was just a one night stand do you think it had anything to do

with the wig uh no he lives this was a man who I met in Houston who lives in Malaysia but is from Eastern Europe.

Right. So dumb. That is one night stand worthy. I'm like, I'll never see you again. But sometimes he likes my Instagram posts. He's like, I may be back in America one day.

He's like, let me plant some seeds, some breadcrumbs. I'm coming back for you. I'm tired of one night stands. Longest relationship in Kazakhstan. I mean, I couldn't. One night stand. That's the other thing. I don't do those either.

I feel like, have I had a one night stand? I had a one night stand. This guy, Tony Chance. And this is how great this guy A Pussy that I remember his full name. And I met him

in the mall at my mall job. And we were supposed to go out. We were going out. We were supposed to go out to eat and he,

we were driving and he looked at me like, let's just not, you know, let's get, it's probably something corny, like, let's get dessert before dinner or some shit. And I was like, ah, ah, ah. And we went to his house, and this dude, man, I don't think I've had since that date. Like, I kept his business card for years.

But that one night stand. You met him in the mall. He gave you a business card to eat your pussy? And ate my pussy. But that one night stand wasn't even his the mall he gave you a business card and ate your pussy and ate my pussy but that one night stand wasn't even his fault he tried to contact me after that

and I was so embarrassed that I slept with like quote unquote slept with him on the first night I grew up religious so a lot of my shit is still wrapped up in that that I never

got contacted him again like now I would but then I would just do you still have the business card? no unfortunately but I did look him up on Facebook and no. Did you? No?

I looked him up on Facebook like 10 years ago and no. I mean, this was like 20 years ago. You should look for him now. I mean, it hasn't gotten better. Maybe he's looking for that pussy. He aged poorly. Oh, he did? Oh, no. I was like, I had him at his prime.

I always think about that when I'm dating somebody. I'm like, you might be ugly soon. I mean, with men, you never know. You know what I mean? Like, women come with an ingrained maintenance routine. You know what I mean? Dudes, especially once they feel like, they always say, like, women let themselves go. When dudes feel like they got you

locked down, they are chilling. They are disgusting. Yeah, so. Sometimes I'll be at the airport and be like oh yeah this whole like oh like steve carell got hotter as he got older that's rich dudes yes rich dudes with a stylist yes and with somebody to be like hey regular dudes it's not going well they look disgusting that's why you have to be in love by that I met this man the other day with the wildest toupee I've ever seen in my life and I was like who doesn't love you who let you out of your house

like do you have a wife who was like yeah babe that looks real of course not it truly looked like he found a squirrel killed it and was like I'll put this on my head. He looked so fucking nuts. I couldn't believe it. And I couldn't stop staring at him.

And I felt so bad. And we walking around worried about our wigs. I know, right? So that's what I'm saying. Like, I just, I want to, as I get older, just care less about everything. Because I feel like I'm going to get laid regardless. You know what I mean? I love this casual confidence.

Every time I have sex, I'm like, this might be the last time. I don't want to say it's new. I've always been, I'm a narcissist, first of all. But I've always been confident, but I get more confident as I get older. And I hang out with women even older than me. I think that's another thing women should do. And they're so much more confident. Like, it really just, as you get older, you don't give a fuck.

And it's like, oh, I can't wait. Like, I hang out with 60-year-old women and 70-year-old women who got money. That's the other thing. We got money now. Like, we don't really need man and they feel it that's where that negative shit comes from and I just love it because so not so many I haven't had many a whole bunch of sex partners but a lot of them did not deserve to pump on me if I had they didn't deserve to climb on and sweat on me and shit if I had more confidence then. So.

Oh, yeah. I've slept with so many people that did not deserve anything. Why did I do that? I didn't enjoy it. I didn't like him. I wasn't really attracted to him. Why do I even care if this person liked me?

Mm-hmm. So. I may have told this story on the podcast, but I slept with this dude who did an Obama impression at the bar. Oh, my God.

And I was like, oh, baby, that was not good but I gotta fuck you I totally get it if you're still in the part where you're trying to get married and have like a family and stuff like that you just I totally get it

right now I'm looking for someone who is nice to me and that sucks that that's like a very low bar it's so low that's what I'm find. That's like a very low bar. Yeah. It's so low. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. Because everyone's, like, it's mean is flirting now or something like that.

And I don't like it at all. No. I'd rather be alone. I've just been alone for so long that I'm like, I just, I would like to call someone and be like, hello, I had a good day. Yeah. And then a travel buddy. I want. Yeah. It would be nice to nice to like bring someone on the road with me that's how I ended up dating a comic

and that was ugh anyway but I don't think I could date a comic it was nice for that reason though like hey come to middle of nowhere with me real quick but yeah I mean I work a lot so I do worry about like ugh and when I get into

a relationship it's like that person's gonna have to understand that I work men will compete with you days a week sometimes seven days a week my thing is not even time I'll make time for someone that I really like just like we all do but men will silently compete with you for no reason they're so intimidated if they think oh this person doesn't have to be with me and i'm like that's a good sign i don't have to be with you yet here i am choosing to be with you but they don't want that they want to feel like they tricked you or you know you're like oh their dick is so bombed and that's why you can't resist like get out of here i'm just you know i do love a good dick don't we all just a nice

I've realized recently I'm a real size queen I love a big dick I didn't even have to realize I've always known that I too enjoy a big fucking dick I love when that's like a challenge

where I look at it and I'm like I don't know where that's going to fit. I mean, I ain't trying to go to an emergency room or nothing. Take me to the ER. That's what I want. That's what I'm telling the universe. I want to go to the ER and go. Dr. The Dick was so bomb. It fucking blew me apart.

That's what I want. So this might be an urban legend, but when I was like a teenager, I had this guy and me, a friend of mine, and then her friend were all there. And this guy's dick, like we were sitting, he was doing a manspreading thing, I'm sure on purpose, but it was laid out on his thigh. Like he could have just rubbed it like a cat. It was like from his crotch to his knee. And we were, me and my friend and the other woman

were just looking at that shit the whole time and I remember after we were like leaving and we was like one of us has to fuck him like somebody like somebody

has to experience this dick who's it gonna be and the legend is so it was the the friend of a friend who ended up sleeping with him and according to my friend she had,

she got up after and was walking to the bathroom and fainted, had to go to the emergency room and the doctor said that her cervix got pushed up and so the pain she was feeling

was it just like moving back down. I don't know if that's possible, but I'll never forget that shit. That is wild. He He moved her home. He just fucked up her insides. Upper floor. He invented, I want to get up in your guts. Yes.

Truly. I'm trying to hit your stomach. You're like, what? That is so funny. I mean, I don't need all that. Maybe I don't want that. That sounds too much. This poor man though

like imagine every time you fuck somebody they fall out you gotta take them to the ER I've run across some dicks where they're like I'm so sorry like I know

you have to get on top and like I don't wanna hurt you type shit and I'm like that is very charitable of you thank you so much I've never seen a dick that big

yeah you gotta get on top I mean it never works out cause it's just like, that's too much. And I do feel sorry for them. But I'm sure they'll meet their pussy match at some point. They'll meet someone with a sloppy gaping hole who's ready to take it. Just push. I think it's not even pussy looseless.

It's like how you're shaped inside. Like, you know, some people curve. Some people are a straight entry. You know what I mean? I don't know what I am. I think it's a U-turn up in there for me. Like a little, you know, cul-de-sac up in the, you know? Maybe.

Anyway. I'm sure there's pussies built for big dicks like that. Probably. So, mazel to them. Mazel to you and your pussy for a big dick. That was a weird little aside we just went on. No, I like it. Oh, boy.

I love that you're not on the apps. It truly makes me so happy. And we'll never. I will never. I got off them for like a hot second last year. But also I didn't meet any. Or no, I met like a couple people in person and it just didn't work out. So then I was like, well, guess I got to get back on them.

I mean, you did meet people. Yes. And it didn't work out. But is it working out with the people from the apps? Not really. So that's what I'm saying. So it's not needed. You still meet.

I just, the idea of, nobody's being themselves through text anyway. Especially if you haven't met them face to face. I can't read you. I can't smell you. You know what I mean? I just, it doesn't job with me. It really, it kind of creeps me out a little bit. That's no, you know, not to anybody who's on it.

I know it's a thing, but it's not for me. It kind of is too impersonal. Yeah, I've gone out with dudes and then gotten to their smell. And I'm like, ooh, you smell bad. Now I see you in Target and I, you know, follow you around a couple of aisles. I follow you around Target. I would love to go to your wedding. And he's like, I love Janelle since the moment she followed me down the pots and pan aisle of Target.

I turned around. I said, how long have you been following me? She's like, a minute. A minute. I'm like, oh, he likes tacos? Like, you know so much. And it's not lies. Like on the app, you know?

On the app, he's like, oh, I love foie gras. And Target, he like hot dogs. You see it right there he picked it up in Target he likes hot dogs and you can be like do I wanna fuck with a hot dog nigga

right there you can make the decision instead of finding it out two weeks later after you didn't let him sweat on you is all I'm saying so

Target gonna come out with a dating app now I really hope Target reaches out to you and they're like Janelle we need to make you the face of Target's dating

I feel like I've approached at least three people in Target before did they all work out no baby we had good conversations

they probably followed me and bought an album or two I don't know clock like dudes alone in Target

only clock like families in Target on the weekends late I am in there high as fuck looking at dudes do you know hadiya robinson no she's another comic that's my best friend like we go to target like straight up turnt up like high as fuck scoping niggas like it's always dudes in there It really Especially in LA That's so fucking funny

I'm gonna go to Target Next Saturday I'm just gonna go to Target And be like I'm gonna fucking find a dude You know dudes Always working out here I feel like they do

They talk and run Straight from the gym You're like Word You know You don't approach everybody But sometimes You just wanna look around

You know What was that I was in Florida In Orlando And I had a pretty bad Weekend of shows And the last that I was in Florida in Orlando and I had a pretty bad weekend of shows and the last day I was like

I'm gonna go to this Walmart I'm gonna smoke this joint and walk around Walmart and I had a great time it's all in that attitude I was just very high and I was like I'm gonna open these crackers

yes so then I just ate crackers and I was like I'm not paying for these crackers see and if you went in like oh gotta go to Walmart it would have been a bad time. It would have been a very terrible time.

But I had the best time. I hit up my girl like, yo, you trying to go to Target? She like, hell yeah. I wasn't even texting people, you trying to go to Target? This is what awaits you after 30. Target, Target runs. I mean, the other day I said to someone, I just bought a great vacuum. Do you want to hear about it?

I'm like, word? He vacuums? Can you imagine you're in Target? You see a guy buy a vacuum. That's who you marry. Not these app dudes. Here's the other reason I don't like apps. Again, at the forefront of it, when they would start.

I had a friend, one of my best friends, my male, my only male best friend that like I haven't slept with. You know what I mean? So rare. But, or not even that you had, not rare that you haven't slept with him, but he doesn't try continually. When Tinder first dropped,

this dude, the amount of pussy he was getting was just unimaginable. Like it grossed me out, you know, and men are like that on them. I don't, they're just like lunch dinner

breakfast and they're spoiled and they ask it too much and they put you in this like competitive mode with these other bras i just i don't like it yeah i read an article that said that dudes on apps are dating like six women at a time yeah i was like six yeah that's so many is kind of um not the right word they're not dating these chicks. No, they're fucking. Yeah. Fucking six girls at a time. Meanwhile, the women are like, am I the one?

No, bitch. He left your house and went and showered at some other broad's house. Like, I cannot. I don't know. Yeah. So that's really what it is. It's not really like, oh, I'm like, like, I'm like looking down on apps. I just know what men are doing on there because I've seen it.

I was looking up with this dude that I met on an app. And then the first time I went to his house, there was like some other girl's earring on his nightstand. I was like, mm-hmm. Yeah. Okay. And then the next time there was like a, like a bobby pin in his bed. And I was like, okay. So you're not even changing sheets.

You don't even change his sheets, son. Like, I cannot. I cannot I cannot oh gross awful so yeah I just I take men two three days at a time and then I'm like get out of my face

you know this is so funny I like I want to get to this level they're just gross they annoy me now like once you've dated a long time they all think they're saying like new shit but you've heard it already yeah i fucking i still have fun with them but it's so much shorter and my expectations are just way like i don't want anything more than a good time. How do you not get attached? How do I?

No, no, no. Let me also say, I am a, once I am, like, into somebody, I am, like, a hard-ass, like, care bear person. How do I not get attached? I mean, it's really their doing. Once somebody gets on my nerves one time, it over like you know what i mean all they have to do is not get on my nerves and i'm into you you know what i mean but what happens is they all get on my nerves so that's what it is i take a lot of bullshit i and i don't that's what i'm saying i don't take bullshit anymore so that's so rare that you don't come across bullshit that I don't fall for nobody anymore.

Hmm. You know? Trying to get to your level. No, but you want a relationship and that's not bad. I do. That's not bad. You can't be like me and want to have a relationship. You're right.

I'm not saying how you are is bad. I totally have been there and know what it feels like and it's fucking hard and it just seems like a lot of luck is involved in it. A lot of sacrifice of yourself. Being in the right place at the right time. Of your time, of yourself. You have to bend. I don't want to bend myself into anybody's schedules.

You got to compromise because there's a whole other person you have to think about all the time. So I totally like get it. And I'm sorry. Well, thank you. Janelle, we've come to the end. Oh, wait. I keep forgetting. I usually ask people this question and I didn't do it twice in a row.

Would you date me? Yes. I think you're so fun. And I feel like you a freak, like low key. I feel like you a freak. It's not low key. I'm a you a freak like low key I feel like you a freak I'm a full ass freak yes

I feel like I could come to you on like okay so I saw this on YouTube or whatever yeah definitely what a treat I can't believe I forgot to do that for the other two episodes whatever do you have anything that you want to promote um unfortunately no uh go watch oh black monday comes out march 15th uh and it's

on showtime and this is my first like real acting gig i wrote myself into the show i did i got hired as a writer and now i'm in the show. And it's so funny. Strong Black Laughs. I said I ain't got nothing to promote. Strong Black Laughs, which is the Netflix podcast underneath the Strong Black Leads network. Go to Strong Black Leads and subscribe to that. And what else I got? You know, buy my album, Black and Mild.

Follow me on the internet. All the comedian things. And yeah, that's it okay if you like this episode of oh i love you date me you can subscribe on itunes you can uh give it a review and if you send me something nasty to hit on me i'll read it this person said hey nicole i'm a gay vegetarian, but I'd still go ham on that meaty puss of yours. Then I'd fuck your ass till it prolapses, give you a strap-on to return the favor,

and we'll touch our hoes together so we can be rose buddies. Ew! Husband material, am I right? Thank you, Janelle. Bye-bye. Bye. This has been a Team Coco production.