Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Self-Sabotaging your Relationships (w/ Caleb Hearon)

Episode Date: October 28, 2022

Comedian Caleb Hearon (Human Resources) joins Nicole to discuss self-sabotaging relationships, dating while still in the closet, and an awful date he went on at a Chipotle. Meanwhile, Nicole plans to fly to Houston for some dick. We're nominated for a People's Choice Award! Cast your vote for Why Won't You Date Me everyday until Nov 7th. Vote at votepca.com/pop-culture/the-pop-podcast-of-2022. Black Lives Matter.  Click here for an updated list of over 100 different things you can do to support racial justice.   Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby, welcome to Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single. Even though you can give me a mug, I pour coffee in it. It disintegrates because it was made out of hardened cum. My guest today is a hilarious comedian who has written for Netflix's Human Resources and appeared in Jurassic World Domination.

My producer has been so excited for him to be on the podcast. She has gone on and on about how I am not her favorite comedian, nor am I her favorite podcaster. And she doesn't even like me that much. The person she likes is on the podcast today. I have right here on Zoom flesh, Caleb Heron. Hi, Nicole. Hi. Hi, Nicole. Hi, hi, hi. Imagine my producer hated me so much that she wrote that into the intro.

Hey. I was just very, very excited. Also, I think it's Jurassic World Dominion. Is that true? Oh, no. What did I say? Domination? It's whatever you want it to be.

Well, guess what? It should be jurassic world domination because these fucking dinosaurs keep dominating and that's why we keep getting sequels so wait what is it jurassic world dominoes it's dominion dominion like king's dominion the theme park in virginia not king's dominion okay virginia virgin in Virginia. Not King's Dominion. Okay, Virginia fans, you're eating on this episode. Have you been to King's Dominion? No. I haven't been to a theme park in Virginia.

Are you crazy? You haven't been to Virginia's premier water park, King's Dominion. It is world-class rides. Grab a buddy and scream out loud on one of their 13 world-class roller coasters, including Intimidator 305, one of the tallest and fastest roller coasters on the East Coast you've ever been.

No. You can get a gold pass. I'm a Worlds of Fun bitch. You ever been to Worlds of Fun? No. What the fuck is Worlds of Fun? I'm literally getting on a plane in three hours and I'm going to Worlds of Fun. I'm not kidding.

It's a local theme park in Kansas City. Does it have a Soak City? Because King's Dominion has a Soak City. It has Oceans of Fun attached to it, which is a soak city because king's dominion has a soak city it has oceans of fun attached to it which is a water a water park what's it called worlds of fun and oceans of fun worlds of fun and where is this place it's in kansas city and in october they do a haunt they turn the whole thing spooky it all turns spooky oh it's spooky ook it's spooky ook i love this for you so who are you going with um a lover a friend an enemy i am going with oh i wish a lover that'd be so cute actually when i was in high school it was such a thing to go i live like an hour and a half two hours um i

grew up hour and a half two hours away from this theme park and in in the fall, the couples, once you got your driver's license, all the couples in high school, I did not date in high school, really. They would go to Worlds of Fun and do the haunt thing together and go to haunted houses and hold each other and be cute. And I think that I really was, I was so jealous of that. But I'm going with friends, going with friends from college. That's nice. I often get jealous during the spooky season where couples go fucking pumpkin picking

seems lame seems lame until you and a loved one are picking up big orange things and taking them home and loving each other if a friend asked me to go to a pumpkin patch i would tell them to jump off a bridge but if my boyfriend wanted to go to a pumpkin patch i'd wear matching sweaters and do it are you kidding yes i once dated a man and i begged him to wear something matching and go spooky oaky pumpkin picking with me it's the season for it i'm i'm gonna i'm putting it out there in the universe i will find someone who wants to pumpkin pick with me yes by this time next year, me, my boyfriend, you, and your boyfriend

will all be at a pumpkin patch together. I can feel it. Oh my God. Let's double date. Let's do it. I ran into you at Hilarity for Charity, which is Seth Roken and his lovely wife Lauren's foundation where they're looking

for the cure to Alzheimerzheimer's and we hung out for a little bit and you went to the bathroom and you disappeared and i said wow i did not go to the bathroom honey i was 10 feet behind you i had to step i was just stepped i stepped out to yeah i stepped out to smoke a little and then i came back and I was just standing. I was standing near you still. But you know, look, when you're on our four of a charity event, you got to step outside and smoke a little weed. That's just what has to happen. You do. You have to.

I smoke just the scenes. I can't really smoke weed out in public anymore. What happened? So like I'm a pretty boisterous loud person and i feel like people stare at me when i'm quiet and i'm like i just like want to be here with my thoughts like amongst the people but then people are like are you okay and i'm like because i'm not screaming yeah technically i'm fine i'm just like a little stone you know know? So yeah, that's where I'm at. I get real honest. I was, I got, I got, I got a little too high

cause that Seth Rogen weed is not a joke. And I started telling the truth about the magician. I started telling the truth about the magician. Okay. I shouldn't have been doing it. I should not have been doing it. Okay. I mean, we all have our thoughts and theories about magic.

I will say I fucking love the Magic Castle. Have you ever been? I haven't because I can't. Magic, I'm one of the people that tries to break it all down and be like, how'd they do it? It's a lie. It's a trick. It is a trick. It is a trick.

It is truly wild. is a trick it is truly wild and i love it magic castle you're a stan you're going all the time i will go any and every day and the magician we're talking about justin woman he once put a piece of corn through his face and it came out of his eye and he did it on nailed it and it was too spooky to air on nailed it yeah yeah they were like no that's not we're not going to be nailing that not for the viewers thank you we can't do that thank you so much the children will be frightened i don't like hearing about it frankly this is the second time you've told me in both times. My body has rejected it. My body goes, no. I love this. Wait, Caleb, tell me this.

Riddle me this. Riddle me that. Are you dating? Are you betrothed? Nicole, you know I'm single. You know I've been single my whole life. I'm dating-ish. I'm always out and about, but I'm a saboteur.

I sabotage myself and my relationships and i'm i'm just not it's never happened for me how are you out here saboteuring i will go well okay there's a lot of there's a lot to dig into here um i sabotage i will find one thing wrong with somebody and certainly because of my own shit i have my own commitment issues and i'll be like oh this is never gonna work i shouldn't see them again and i'll go on like two or three dates and then i'll be like oh god won't work and then i cancel i cancel them in my life canceled i canceled i think the problem uh is not only my commitment issues um but also it's really easy i think when you have

like a lot of good friendships in your life and uh the you're a gay man so you can have casual sex on grinder very easily to just be like i'm good everything i got everything i need it's all working out you know what i mean i do know what you mean how old old are you? Is it out in the world? Do you care to share? Oh, yeah. I'm 27. You're still so young. I'm a baby. I remember being a goo goo gaga 27 year old.

And I said, yum, yum, yum. Casual sex will do it for me forever. And now I'm at the ripe old age of 42. And I just am so fucking horny for dumb shit couples do yesterday was national boyfriend day and it felt like a direct attack on me every time i fucking opened twitter it was like he's not your boyfriend make sure you get a picture of your boyfriend make sure your boyfriend said i love you i was so mad all day look are you okay so let me ask you this are you still doing what is your feeling on casual sex now yes or no my feeling on casual sex is i'm about to do it i hooked up with this dude in houston uh a full year ago. He DM'd me like, what's up? You think you'll be in town soon?

I said, no, but guess what? I'm going to be in town soon specifically to fuck this man. And I'm going to let him know that that's what's up because I'm horny and I need it. Nicole, I got to say, I'm a little disappointed in you that you're going to fly to Houston when you could import the dick to L.A. Fly him here. Here's the thing. I need to get out of L.A. for a second. And I'm not trying to have sex in my home with strangers. So it's like, okay, she gets on a little airplane.

Maybe I go to a little thrift store, have a lovely eat, pray, love thing in Houston, Texas. And then I get fucked i take all my little things and tchotchkes home and then i have a nice life again i gotta say you're onto something i think about the way that i remain in such uh love with la and i do love la is i leave at least every other month no questions asked i definitely have to go on a trip somewhere else yeah i've been going on trips i went to mexico twice this year was very very nice um but i have been here for like a couple of months i've been here since may i think and i'm like oh no i went to san francisco but that doesn't fucking count um but yeah i gotta i gotta get the fuck up out of here are you at the point because i've gotten between between touring and having lived in a couple different cities and things now i have

when i go to a city there are a couple people in my phone book that i'm like i'm going to text you we're going to have sex and that did you have that in different cities you have one in houston no but are you keeping i have one singular person in houston if there was a rolodex to keep i would keep it um i don't get chuckle fuckers a lot of female identifying people we don't get chuckle fuckers um people don't want a funny woman people don't want a fat woman people don't want a fat black funny woman and uh some do i'm not gonna say not everybody but like i live in it i live in reality do you know what i mean yeah totally i yeah i feel i mean i i have always i'm so jealous of my my some of my thin acquaintances have like a third of the

personality that i have and they could get fucked walking down the street. I have to put in so much work to have casual sex. As a fat person, I have to be so good. You have to be very funny, witty. But then if you're a woman, you have to hide your wit and hide your funny. And then this man says something that is the dumbest fucking thing you've ever heard in your life.

He starts laughing, and then you go, Oh my God, you're so funny. fucking thing you've ever heard in your life he starts laughing and then you go oh my god you're so funny and then you bat your eyes at them being like just fuck me and then they're like oh wow you really love you know you think i'm really funny i'm like i do i do think you are so funny because that's what men seem to want to hear all the time um and then you know maybe i'll get fucked or maybe caleb maybe the move is throw myself into my work even more have less of a social life and then cry myself to sleep every night it's one or the other look i i very regularly i'm like maybe i'll just do the the really intense career thing but the issue for me is i want kids so i'm like i gotta find

somebody how many i know i would love like three or four kids i know three or four how on earth would you keep track of all their names and what they like and what they do? That's crazy. What if one likes soccer, one likes tennis, one likes sitting, and then the other one is like, I don't know, a fucking rides elephants. How do you keep all that straight? And then you have to take them to elephant lessons. Well, first of all, hired help. You got to, hired help. I think it's the first.

You gotta get some help. And yeah, I mean, just the one who likes sitting would obviously be my favorite. I'm gonna like them more than tennis kid for sure. What kid is into tennis? The Williams sisters were very into tennis, but I don't know if it was forced or a dream. Caleb, here's another thing

if you okay so say you have a partner will one be dad and one will be daddy or you both be daddies oh my god i haven't thought about this well you know it's a dumb question no but i i actually you know you know sabrina jalees i love her her Her and her wife, Shauna. I think their kid calls Shauna mom or mommy and calls Sabrina baba, which I forget what it means. That's cute. Maybe we'll do something cute with it, you know? If I have kids, I think I'd want my kid to be like, hey, you. What? What?

What do you want now i hate you hey lady hey lady i'm hungry hey lady give me a hand over here i need a snack hey lady give me a tit i need milk i just really want construction worker babies construction worker baby

okay feature idea start writing the script babe I just really want construction worker babies. Construction worker baby. Okay. Feature idea. Start writing the script, babe. From the minds of boss baby comes construction worker baby. The working class response to boss baby. So are you dating right now? What's the deal? Are you on the apps?

Tell me everything. I am on the apps. I find it increasingly difficult to, um, to, I'm, I'm gone so much from where I live that when I'm in town and I'm, I know you relate when I'm in LA to give up a night, even a coffee, even a drink. There's so many people I don't see that I love. To give it up to some stranger is a fucking nightmare. But I'm doing it.

I just actually, two nights ago, I went on a very good first date. And I'm excited about it. Ooh, how'd you meet them? On an app? I met him on, yes, on Tinder. And we went to dinner and got ice cream. And it was cute. I mean, we'll see, you know?

Yeah. I gotta say that's the worst part about going on a first date. You go, great. This was good. This was fine to good. Yeah. And then you have to like keep meeting them to find out if they're good or bad because everyone's on their best behavior on the first date and you don't find out anything until like

a month or two it exactly and i've never gotten past the phase of being like i said i i am annoyed that there are so many friends i don't see regularly because of our travel and work schedules that when I'm in LA that even giving up a second, third and fourth date time for that. I'm like, if this doesn't turn into a marriage and kids and we die together, I'm a monogamist. Unfortunately, then I'm like, this was a waste and I'm mad about it, which is something I'm trying to like reframe my perspective on. But that's how I feel. Wait, what do you mean?ame your perspective on it? Well, I'm trying to be more like, like what I feel right now is like every night I give to a stranger that doesn't end in like a long lasting, great relationship. I feel annoyed at the prospect and I don't want

to go. I'd rather hang out with my friends. And I'm trying to think of it more as like, well, it's never going to happen if you don't try and also you know you're meeting people and it could be you could get material from it or i'm trying to find anything to latch on to about it that'll be like no it's actually good if you go on a date that's horrible you know what i mean yeah although before each For each date, I truly pray to the heavens and go, I don't want material. I want to meet somebody. Yes. It's terrible because that's what it is a lot of the time. I went on a date with a man who scooted to our date.

He had a scooter. He wanted to walk me to my car. I think I've told this story on the podcast, but he wanted to walk me to to my car i think i've told this story on the podcast but he wanted to walk me to my car and i was like well where where are you parked if you're parked really far i can take you and then he pulled a scooter from under the table it was like i scooted here and i said you know that's really great for you and i'm not like looking down on scooters or nothing like that but like i am i like scooting might be fun but like i just i just want you to have a car i want you to pick me up on a car not on the back of a scooter where i go flying off and die before

the date pick me up yeah i i really want i I also I also I will in the spirit of vulnerability tell you I have had entire sex with a guy and then afterwards he wrote off on a penny board and one of those tiny little skateboards. I've never been more mortified in my life. But also, yeah, I want to be picked up. I want to be picked up. Someone plan a date. Yes, plan a date. Pick me up. Romance me. a date. Yes, plan a date. Pick me up.

Romance me. Give me like flowers. Give me gifts. That's all I want. I just want to be romanced. Everyone is fighting so hard now not to be a try hard that like, yeah, I feel like there's no like, at least nobody I'm really going on dates with is like doing anything cool like no one's like giving compliments or like planning big things they're just like should we get a drink and i'm

like oh god yeah i guess yeah which is a very like nobody's trying anymore i gotta say i think i said this before on my podcast but like after that second vaccine came out i feel like everybody was like this is our second chance at living i want to be in a relationship i want to get married let's go out and now it's all back to like i'm just looking to hook up i'm ethically non-monogamous you want to be our third i'm like listen i just got to get into one relationship that's monogamous and like i'm loved before i can even think about being the second to someone's loving relationship yeah i can't do i want to i don't want to be anybody's third i am very monogamous i don't want to date six people i'm not interested it's just stressful and i don't like it i want one person thank you i also think it's too much i'm like i think i'm

too much like bravo to people who can do it but like i just i need a lot and i need one person to handle it because i can't split it between two people. I'll be telling everyone the same thing over and over again. I'd be too crazy. Can't do it. I also think it's very enlightened. Like I think it's very progressive and cool. I just, I, I've, I think I've gone far enough. I've unpacked plenty of stuff from my conservative upbringing and I've done a lot of work and now I'm like, I'll just keep the thing where I have one partner. I'll just keep that part and everyone else can be more progressive than me in their relationships. I'm like, I'll just keep the thing where I have one partner. I'll just keep that part. Everyone else can be more progressive than me in their relationships. I'm okay with that. Okay.

You went to Missouri State University. Yeah, I did. Go Bears. Go Bears. I once did a show there where I didn't know it was friends and family weekend. And a bunch of children learned about my pussy but so you did your undergrad there and then you were gonna go to lawyer school that was the plan i was i was yeah i wanted to be a lawyer what kind of lawyer i wanted to be a civil rights attorney i was very

like uh i had like favorite i had favorite supreme court justices in high school i wanted to like i thought i was going to change the world. Who was your favorite? Clarence Thomas? Yeah. Oh my God, how did you know? Yeah, I love. It was like Clarence Thomas, Scalia.

No, when I was growing up, I was really kind of infatuated with Thurgood Marshall. I had read a bunch of books about him. Oh, interesting. I just think he was a fascinating guy yeah and i wanted to be i wanted to work for like the aclu or something oh my god i love it and now now you're just like giving people the charity of laughter i'm changing the world through comedy no not at all comedy can change the world so okay you No, not at all. You are. Comedy can change the world.

So, okay. You were in a fraternity. What the fuck was that like? Oh my God. Here we go. How did you know that? Who told you that? Who did this research?

Mars? My lovely assistant, Lindsay. She's truly incredible. I love her so. Lindsay? I was in a fraternity all four years. I rushed kind of as a joke. I thought, wouldn't it be funny to go hang out with these douchebags for a couple days?

And then I met some guys who were actually pretty cool. And I was like, well, it'd be good for getting into law school and stuff. And they know everybody on campus. And it's a good way to get involved, whatever. And I ended up kind of liking it. I mean, I stayed in it. But the last year and a half or two years i was mostly like i'm not coming to any meetings don't find me let's just you know do our own thing let's just break up well it's kind of like i it was so goofy i mean every every i think it was sunday nights we had a meeting where we had

to dress up and like talk about uh you know you know, all the issues of the chapter or whatever. And I was just like, I'm not coming to this shit anymore. I'm like starting to think about graduation and moving. And I, I, yeah, I just was like, I can't do this anymore. But it was, it was fun. There were a bunch of guys that I love and I'm still friends with. And then there are a bunch of guys that I never want to talk to again. Kind of like any group of people.

I mean, tis the way of life i know uh i worked at a store for a very long time and there's like two girls i still talk to and everyone else i was like oh kick rocks y'all sucked what was the store lame giant what's that lame bryant oh i was like what is that yeah lame bryant but um i call it lame giant nobody ever thought it was funny um okay so in college you joined a improv team grin and bear it this is so embarrassing you just you just reading facts of my life to me uh yeah i joined an improv team and that's maybe one of the most embarrassing well joining an improv team is a little embarrassing loving it and like letting it change your life in a genuine way is so embarrassing

like i literally i started like every time i do an improv show i'm like this is embarrassing like we're all getting together getting really amped up to make things up on stage but you go into it tell me about grin and barrett oh i got very into i mean improv started to be i was so depressed when i started doing improv it's the reason i started doing it is because i was like you know a college sophomore and i was like suicidal and was like what is life I'm learning about like injustice for the first time um and I oh yeah I got so into it I was like um reading like improv books and like sharing quotes on Facebook and being like yes and it will change your life I was so into it yeah I mean i did too i like when i got into it i was in real fucking deep so then after college you moved to chicago to perform more improv at io all the time i mean

like every every night for for like a year i will say for like a year in chicago i was like improv all the time every night let's do it and then i was very quickly like this is gonna go nowhere so i started doing improv and sketch and i was ahead of the curve a little bit i think and having that realization quickly did you you didn't were you ever in chicago did you spend time in chicago no i didn't spend time in chicago i spent a solid i would say six years doing improv at ucb in new york rock on and did you love it oh my god i knew who you were at chelsea all the performers were i knew you were under the christines all the teams were you better believe I lived under that Gristini's. That nasty carpeted theater. And I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I had some of the best times. I met some of the best people. But yeah, I wish I started making digital content a little sooner. Yeah. Putting those sketches online a little sooner. But you know, it is what it is and life is good life is good it worked out how it's supposed to babe you're one of the you're one of the improv success stories thank you so much so caleb when did you move from chicago to los angeles california los angeles i um i moved so i moved to chicago right after college

like a week after i graduated i lived there for three years and then in uh june of 2020 so just over two years ago uh during the pandemic i moved out to la because i was like my lease is up and i had decided before COVID that I was ready to leave Chicago. And so I just went ahead and did it anyway. I love it. And you do that like mid pandemic, right? Yeah, it was spooky, spooky. I mean, we, I loaded up a truck with my friend, Shelby Wolstein, who's a genius comedian and a collaborator of mine. And we, we moved out, we drove out from Chicago to LA with the two of us and both of uh moved out we drove out from chicago to la with the two of us and both of our moms and she drove her car we put my car on a trailer and yeah we did we did the

thing it was um but it was wild because you were scared to stop at a gas station or anything because of um covid and driving through parts of utah where no one was wearing masks in june of 2020 i couldn't believe it yeah it was it was nuts yeah it's pretty wild i went to like oklahoma or somewhere to shoot a movie bit part not even a brag and i asked the craft service person i was like because the cop that was like on set was like not wearing a mask and i had to drive a cop car and i was like oh truly don't feel comfortable getting into that car breathing in that man's air and they're like oh okay we'll put him in a mask so then i made a very big production of spring lysol all over this man's car um and

then i asked the craft service lady i was like like what is the deal here like did you guys like what was your lockdown like and she's like lockdown she's like honey we didn't lock down there was no lockdown over here it's so wild to me because like i have a friend in new york who still has ptsd because there was a freezer truck full of dead covid bodies around her corner and i'm like the rest of the country like i didn't get it it's wild to me but yeah moving mid-pandemic crazy so many people i yeah i i when i my dad died earlier this year and i went to get like condolence flowers uh condolences flowers for my grandmother and i was i mean not funny ultimately but i went and the woman was like i'm so sorry darling we are out of condolences arrangements because everybody's been dying to

covet she was like we can do a happy birthday arrangement and take out the happy birthday and i was like holy fucking shit y'all are doing things a little different over here. God, this isn't the casual, the most casual pandemic I've ever been. I mean, I've never been a part of a pandemic, but like everyone, that's the most casual thing I think I have ever heard. Oh, honey, we ran out of condolences once. Everybody keep dying, but you know what I can do? Spin up that happy birthday to say happy you didn't have a birthday because you did like she said darlin i don't even know how to

tell you this everybody's dead yeah how it was crazy fucking wild real quick we have to take a break oh boy we're back okay caleb tell me about a date that you went on that was like bad but not bad in a trauma way because it's a comedy podcast bad in a ha ha ha way i went on a date man i've blocked this out I went on a date in Chicago. This is, um, this must have been late 2019, early 2020, I'm guessing because I had, um, I had gotten, I had gotten a lot of internet followers by that point, which is around the time that that happened. So, and that matters because I was, um, used to dating as somebody who did not have any kind of attention and it was a nightmare in its own right but i went on a date with this guy who had messaged me um on instagram and he'd been super flirty and he was like he wasn't even

gorgeous he was cute like he was a cute gay guy and i was like well he seems nice so i was like okay this could be something so um he was like was like, do you want to get together sometime? I was like, sounds good. And then the day of, he was like, I'm going to hit you up. Or he was like, I'm going to hit you up the day of. I work in the same area as you. We can find a place near our offices. We both worked in downtown Chicago.

I was like, cool. Lots of great restaurants down there. Very good. Very good. Great food. And I was like, okay, sounds good. And I dressed cute to work that day so that i could go straight to the date and i was like okay cool first date this is fun and um

he messaged me like two hours before we were supposed to meet and said hey can you meet me at the corner of uh so and so and such and such and meet me at this corner and i said okay and i looked and there's really no restaurants on that corner but i was okay i meet him there he says let's go over here and takes me to a chipotle um we get we each get our own bowls we we get our we get our chipotle bowls and and i'm thinking like oh maybe he's just like wants to do something quick and if we hit it off he wants to go to the next place or whatever so i'm like okay this is a bizarre but okay so we pay separately for our chipotle i'm like all righty which my opinion by the way on on gay dating is whoever asks to go on the date pays anywho we pay for our separate bowls we sit down um he tells me that he is getting over a crystal meth addiction okay first okay and i said rock on congratulations and then and then he asked me

if i would um be interested in well he gives me a long-winded pitch about a web series that he's uh writing okay and asks me if i would be interested in producing the web series like uh uh helping like make the web series. And then I was like, Oh, you are absolutely just asking me for help on your web series and not ask that we're not on a date. And I, I, I could not stop laughing.

I left the day. It was, Oh, you know what? It had to be Christmas time because I, I walked alone after the date to the Chris Kendall market. And if you're in chicago you know what i mean uh-huh um and i just was laughing out loud alone at the christmas market hysterically

i must have looked i must have looked like a maniac i was like truly walking around this like little cutesy christmas market in downtown chicago hysterically laughing and i was like this is the funniest thing that's ever happened i just love the goal of this to be like listen meth was a problem and no longer a problem do you want to produce my web series like also having like 80 000 followers on twitter does not at all qualify somebody to produce anything yes it does once you cross 50 you have all of the money from twitter to produce whatever you want thank you thank you that's. I've had people ask me to read scripts on dates, and I'm like, I don't even have a production company. I don't have anything for you. Even if I wanted to, and I don't.

That's not why I'm here. It's so goofy. It's beyond goofy. Caleb, what's the first date you've been on? Do you remember? When I was closeted in high school? That date? Yeah.

What was that like? Oh, man. I remember I took a girl to the movies and her mom had to drive us. We were in maybe like eighth or ninth grade. And we went with some other like some other friends were meeting us there and it was like all boys and girls pairing up and being like i'm going with josh and i'm going with katie and whatever i was i was i knew i was gay but i was trying obviously very hard not to be but i during but during the previews to the to the movie everyone started talking about this girl that we went to school with who i won't name that was giving um hand jobs behind the bowling alley she had been giving guys she had been giving

guys hand jobs behind the bowling alley wow and everyone was joking like the bowling alley was right across from the movie theater this is a very small town and everyone was joking like maybe we'll go to the bowling alley after the movie and i was terrified that i was gonna have to let this girl jerk me off because i was like i don't know if i can even get hard for that it doesn't sound good and i was scared i was i was horrified i was like i don't want a handjob behind the bowling alley like i don't i was like borderline panicking it was yeah that was nuts i mean that is truly outstanding what if we have to go to the bowling alley and what if i have to get a hand job i don't want to get a hand job behind the bowling alley from a girl maybe from a guy maybe from anybody else except for this girl that's so

funny i fucking love that what's the best date you've been on i mean there's not a lot of there's not a lot of incredible dates to choose from i'm trying to think there was there was a string of um there was a string of dates i met this guy who was really cute and he he was like all green flags all green flags he was he was he was very i was attracted to him and then he like you know he had all the things i want he like loved his family. He like had, had like long lasting friendships, which I think is a huge green flag. Whatever. He had all these things that I think are like huge.

And the first date we went on, I was like, I'm just going to plan a date and you're just going to come and I'm not going to tell you what it is. And you're going to come along for the ride. And then the second date, he was like, I i'm gonna plan a date and you're i'm not gonna tell you what it is and then we went back and forth like this for like five four five or six four or five something um dates where every other one the other person would plan a secret date and we would go on it and it was really cute and very sweet and we ended up going to like you know some great restaurants we went to a cute little concert at the moroccan room we went to like a an arcade bar um yeah we just did like this random shit it

was really cute and i i was like that that was a lot of fun i love that that is adorable i was dating a dude where we would alternate shitty restaurants and good restaurants we would go to a nice one and then a shitty one and then a nice one and then a shitty one and that was like really special yeah it's a cute a little like yeah a little something a little a little like um i don't know game's not the word but a little like routine is like kind of adorable like cute little thing between the two of you but i fucked that one up so it didn't last i fucked this one up so i'm like we you and me we're on the same page because i fucked that up big time yeah i'm not good at relationship bang like i'm not good at like dating somebody for any amount of time i will do something that makes you so angry you don't want to talk to me anymore

and i guess you could say that's my gift do you think it's intentional are you do you think there's some part of you that's ruining things on purpose or is it genuinely just bad luck um it has to be something in me because sometimes i'll do things and be like, hmm, that wasn't good. And then a couple minutes later, be like, hey, I know what I just said might have been or not might have been was hurtful. And I'm sorry. I was just being, I guess, sassy. I don't know. But yeah, I don't know know i'm always constantly fucking things

up i mean hey i relate i i've gotten to a place where i'm like i at least now can recognize that uh i am sabotaging something when i'm doing it like i'll be like okay and now i am sabotaging this maybe i take a break and wait a day and then i end up doing it anyway but at least i know i think that's progress yeah i think it is progress to know i have a date coming up and i'm trying to like keep it in my brain that like this person might be great they might be bad but like what is not be a psychopath i could just be a normal nice person yeah it's exhausting caleb hey i'm with you this whole thing this whole uh this whole dating thing well wait you you earlier though when i said i wanted uh when i said i wanted monogamy and kids, you really balked at that. Do you, do you have no interest? So, okay. Here's the thing.

I, I would like a monogamy. I would like to be someone's only, um, for about 10 years. And then maybe we'll open it up. 10 years is a long time to fuck the same person. Surely we're not happy sexually.

I feel it. Unless I'm with someone who's like rocking my world for 10 years. And which case i don't think i need anything else but whatever uh maybe in 10 years we open it up we have a little fun don't care i don't think i want kids i can't possibly wake up in the morning and go i have to feed you or change your diaper or like, like I need to like take you to school or like play with you and stimulate your mind. My mind needs to be stimulated. I need my die die change.

I need things. I'm too selfish. I think to be a mother. And I think I understand that. And I think a lot more people would be better off if they understood that they're too selfish for a child i yeah hearing what you're saying i'm i'm i'm very much i think you've made the right decision when you when you said you couldn't fathom playtime with your child i was like oh yeah maybe we don't maybe we don't have kids sitting down and being like here put this square in this square hole not the

triangle hole this is not a triangle like i would just get so annoyed i'd be like what are you an idiot and it's like no baby i'm a baby i'm technically an idiot because i don't know anything no lady i'm a baby hey i'm a baby walking here my hammer real quick we have to take another break okay caleb people will slide into your dms after this because men have it easier than women so what is the ideal partner you're looking for put it out there so when they slide in they know whether or not they have a chance oh man um you know a cute bisexual jewish man would be okay if you're out there no that's specific but if you're out there. No,

that's specific. But if you're out there, let me know. Other than that, more generally, you know, somebody, it's all the normal shit.

Somebody who's, uh, somebody who's funny and nice, um, and smart. I would love, Oh God, if you're into me,

if you're a single gay man who thinks you might be into me and you don't work anywhere near the entertainment industry, please give me a fucking call. And if you're a comedian, please lose my fucking number. I am so tired. Oh, I just want to date someone. I just want to date a lovely accountant. I think that would be so nice.

That sounds like a nice thing. But I will say this. That sounds like a nice thing, but I will say this. When you date someone who's not in the entertainment industry, it is a constant conversation as to why I said I'd be done with this project at this time, but I'm two hours later because something was wrong on set that is out of my control. Yeah. Or I have to fly out to so-and-so tomorrow

because everything runs at the last minute. That's the only thing about dating someone not in the entertainment business. I think I want to date, like, I don't know, one of the accountants from the Emmys. I will say, I painted too broad a brush because I will say that there's nothing sexier to me in the world than a musician. And a musician. If you if you're a musician, I want to hear from you.

Adam Levine might slide into the DMs and say, your body's still fucking hot. I really loved those DMams it really i would fuck adam levine everyone look everyone who's like oh his his tattoos look like chipotle bags whatever some of his music has been great and i think he's hot and i would fuck him sorry i don't know what yeah i think he's hot too absolutely would fuck him do you think his tattoos are a little stupid i also think he's got a dumb fucking face but i think he fucks really good i think he probably does and i'm sorry some of the maroon five songs have really done it for me so that's part of it i couldn't even tell you a maroon five song yes you could too do not do not be too cool all right hold on yeah uh this kiss is it following me down right now we said it's

out there we like for you there we go i do know a maroon five song you know so many maroon five songs you just don't know the titles of them okay hit me with another one oh god uh sugar yes please you know that one no you know sugar wait sing more sugar that's all i know of it makes the people come together yeah what about this one beauty queen of only 18 she has some problems with herself you know what I'm talking about no hit me with the chorus oh god what is the chorus of that one has some problems with herself

and she will be loved and she will be loved yes okay that's actually not a bad song thank you for taking me on a maroon five journey i guess i'm here for maroon five hey look they've got uh they've got some they've got some bangers with they're not they're not listen here's what i'll say top 40 ish songs to me are

like chain restaurants they're popular because they're good. I'm not too cool. I agree. When people are like, pop music sucks, I'm like, can you get a grip? Because it's popular because we all like it. Right. It's fun. And it sticks in my head from the radio. Sorry, I'm not a genius.

Like, there is these two white women. I can't remember. I stumbled upon them on instagram but one of them was just like beyonce is overrated sure she can sing and yeah i guess she's amazing this that and the other and i was like you're saying she's amazing you're just saying she's great but you're saying she's overrated but then there was another clip about how they don't wash their hands after peeing because they're not touching their pussies and i was like ah this opinion is just null and void we we can't possibly listen to anything else these lovely white ladies are saying

god bless good luck have fun with whoever you want to listen to there's also there's something there's something there's something about white people when they get what they think is a valid reason to criticize a black person. Like some of the shit I saw about Clarence Thomas or Kanye, like anytime there's like a valid criticism, there's a kind of like shaking rage that comes with it that I'm like, tone it down. Like there's something else going on tone it down yeah tone it down i mean kanye well he's just lost his little mind and i say that not belittling mental health i got mental health issues too but sending people down the runway and white lives matter shirts with candace owens seems like he's uh really trying to start he. It seems like he's really trying to start.

He be trying to start something. He be trying to start something. That's a song, right? Oh, for sure. For sure it's a song. Yeah. It's our song. Yeah, our song.

He be trying to start something, which is wild. Look, when he showed up in the mega hat at the White House, I was like, you are a brilliant musician. And I am. I think I'm out. I got to be out for these reasons. at the White House, I was like, you are a brilliant musician. And I am. I think I'm out. I got to be out for these reasons. And for these reasons, I am out. Thank you so much.

I'm out. I'm done. Yeah. I'm just like, we got to get our friends some help. Yeah. I mean, but at what point? Yeah. I'm like, yeah, I'm out of it.

Someone close to him has got to do something because I'm over here. I'm minding my business as always. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I saw it and I business as always. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I saw it and I said, eh, won't investigate. Don't know why he did it. Caleb, we have to end this. I could talk to you for hours

and hours, but you have a hard out at 120 because you have like a life or something and you yeah, you just have to go okay so i ask everybody this would you date me i would date you nicole

i think we would have a lot of fun i think look it's there are a lot of uh obstacles we'd have to jump over my sexuality being a massive one sure but man do i think we'd have a good time i think we'd have i think we get invited to everything i also think so i think we'd be like a fucking power couple and i think that would be delightful

we'd be lighting up every dinner party oh yes they'd be like we gotta invite a clown caleb they funny as fuck they eat all the food but they're very funny damn they're funny she also comes with tupperware and she eats it all and takes what she can't um okay caleb do you have anything you want to promote oh no follow me on uh follow me on stuff at caleb says things and i'll tell you when there's stuff you guys okay this i love i'm right if you like this episode of why won't you date me like it rate us subscribe whatever the fuck apple podcast spotify pandora i don't know but listen if you write me something nasty hitting on me i will read it aloud you can send it to why won't you date me podcast at gmail.com also if you have any questions concerns queries comments

send it along mars my producer she'll be looking at it's no dick pics no pussy pics no titties no butts she don't want it i don't see it this nice person said there will only be seven planets left after i destroy your anus thank you queen okay bye bye that's it for why won't you date me with me Nicole Byer why won't you date me is produced and engineered by oh the sweetest woman I know Marissa Melnick it is executive produced by other

wonderful people Adam Sachs Joanna Solo Taroff and Jeff Ross thanks for listening I love you thank you so much we'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream. What a dream. Ha ha ha.

This has been a Team Coco production.