Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Sensitive Boys (w/ Jackie Fabulous)

Episode Date: February 25, 2022

Comedian and motivational speaker Jackie Fabulous joins Nicole to chat about negotiating prenups, how to gently give direction during sex, finding the funny in your flaws, and how to appear more desirable by looking less horny. Crazy dating story? Looking for advice? Let Nicole and her guest help you out. Submit your stories, questions, or dirty pick-up lines to [e-mail] for a chance to have it read on-air.   Black Lives Matter. Click here for a list of over 100 different ways you can support racial justice.   Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast from Meena Kulbhai. I was trying to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could buy me a plane ticket, fly me to Wyoming, and then leave me there.

Okay, my guest today is a hilarious comedian and public speaker and was a semifinalist on America's Got Talent. It's Jackie Fabulous! Hello! How are you? Thank you so much for doing this. Thank you for having me. I'm wonderful on this whatever game day this is of nonsense. Yeah, we're recording on Super Bowl Sunday. Yeah, I can't wait till the Patriots win. I have no fucking clue who's in it this year.

All I know is Mary J. Blige is going to be there. That's all I know. I am very excited to watch the halftime show when it appears on YouTube. Okay. I love the halftime show. I loved Shakira and J-Lo. That was two years ago.

Oh, my God. What is life? I know. I watched it over and over again. When it came on, it changed my life. And then now, but two years. I know. It's insane.

Who was last year? I don't. Did they have a? They had to have. That's a good question. God, we must not have cared. Who the hell did it last year? I believe it was weekend oh the weekend oh that mess to me is like it was horrible i'm not trying to get hyped to the weekend i'm trying to fuck to the weekend you

know what i'm saying it was trash it left me with bad dreams. It was so weird. It was like he was on Pelusinogens. It was the weirdest performance. Jackie, let's, I want to, I want to talk about you. Okay. Fuck The Weeknd.

No, I'm kidding. The Weeknd, he's great. I love him. Please don't come for me. How did you get into comedy? Tell me. Boredom. Last resort.

It's not no fancy story. just i was bored i was a funny girl at one of my jobs not the clown but like the funny girl and my girlfriend's like you should you should think about you know maybe i i had a job at legalzoom.com on hollywood boulevard in la and so i work with a lot of actors and everyone's in the business, young, trying to figure out their way. And I was just happy because I was finishing up law school and I was bored and I had a day job and I just tried open mics at night. I went to a writing class because a girlfriend told me to go and I had nothing to do after work. You know, when you're a comic, you have a lot of energy. So nine to five hit. When five hit, I was like, I'm still ready for another half of the day.

So I went and did stand-up after work at a class. And my first show ever after the six weeks of the class was at the Hollywood Improv. September 16th, around 2005. Wow. I love that you remember the date. Yep. Because all this is an accident. I didn't grow up wanting to be a comic.

I didn't know you could make a living at this. I just watched it on TV, obsessed with Eddie Murphy, watched sitcoms. It was just my friends are the ones who told me you're really funny. You should take this seriously. You were like, let's fucking do it. It's interesting to me that we don't tell kids all of the

jobs they could have because I remember growing up being like doctor, lawyer, teacher, fireman, policeman, that's it. And it's like there's so many other fucking things you could do i know and but nobody i got my generation that that raised me they're immigrants and immigrants all they care about is just get a job a house a car maybe have a baby and then die when it's time that's it when it's time not before but only when it's time where That's it. When it's time. Not before, but only when it's time. Where are your people from? Everyone here is from Jamaica.

I was born and raised in the Bronx. I live in the Bronx. I moved back out of LA after being there 20 years. So I'm back home in the house I grew up in. I have not made any attempt to find my own place. That's my thing right now is moving. But yeah, I'm with my family. My Jamaican family right now. I love it. I've never to jamaica i want to go i'm really my people are from barbados

and i've also never gone to barbados oh my god one day one day i'll go rihanna nicole you need to go out there girl i know imagine we're related you might be a lot be. A lot of weird sex things happen in West Indians. That's all I'm saying. I almost moved to the Bronx. I was looking at an apartment on Grand Concourse. And then I ended up moving to Harlem. Oh, okay. Interesting.

Grand Concourse, I spent a lot of time around there. I was in love with a dude who lived out there for years. Oh, really? Yeah. Target out there. That's that's why i was like oh let me live near this target get everything i need leave my home okay into the target get my shit i have been loving target recently i've had like a resurgence in my love for target because i went to the dentist and they gave me a xanax because i had i guess an anxiety attack because i had a little i had some ptsd because i had a root canal uh and then two wisdom teeth taken out and they didn't put me out i was awake for all of it oh

and you could hear the the crunching of the teeth it was really horrific and they kept being like you're doing such a good job and i kept being like i don't want i don't want so when i went back the second time they gave me a xanax because i was not doing well at one point i was like ow and she's like oh that's the tooth i did the root canal on you can't you shouldn't be able to feel it and i was like i feel everything i don't know help i said out loud help and then started crying and then they. And then started crying. And then afterwards I went to Target and I was like, everything here in Target is wonderful and magical. I love Target. I bought so much shit at Target. And then the next time I went to the dentist, they did not give me a Xanax

because they just fitted my crown on. And then I went to Target because I was like, Target's magical after the dentist. And it was not as magical. So i'm thinking xanax had to do with the majesty of target i have never been to target high i wish i need to try that i mean it was lovely i kept picking up things and touching things and i was like i should have all nice things this is for me thank you target wait so you're a lawyer i didn't mean to skip right fucking over that you're a lawyer uh by title yes when you have a law degree you're a lawyer when you take the bar and have a bar card and you can practice then you're an attorney oh so you don't have a bar card no i didn't didn't take the bar no oh interesting i didn't know this yeah So any old person could be a lawyer, but then you have to pass the bar in order to practice law. Yes. I can give, I can give, I can represent and give advice for federal law.

Ooh. So, so immigration, trademark, IP, I can give advice and I can practice federal when you don't have a bar card. But when you're, when you are an attorney, I can help you got a jail, represent you jail represent you in court that kind of stuff oh so you can't get me out of jail i can't no but you can help me trademark my name yes i love how i really dumbed that down for myself i'm sure the listeners are like bitch we fucking get it who are you trying to educate the answer is me okay okay so what is a strategy to winning an argument with your significant other oh i'm so not qualified to answer that because my significant other has a problem where he doesn't admit when he's wrong. I know this is a man thing.

But it's really a disorder in my mind at this point where he really doesn't have the ability to acknowledge. Unless it's a really egregious wrong he's done, like he broke something and it belonged to me. But if it's something that's, you know, my feelings, he's always like, I don't. So I have to actually put on theatrics to get him to be like, maybe she's upset. So I don't. How do I get to win an argument with him? Honestly, if we're having a minor thing. Affection.

Touching him. He did something recently where he could tell that I was irritated. And all he did was stand up and go like this. And that was just to come. he just stood up with arms stretched and I was like this like motherfucker I don't want and then I was like alright you know it breaks you down

so I did that to him and it worked I was like he was all irritated and he was way taller than me but my little ass got up and I was like you look like you need one of these Hmm and it worked it won't always work, but for small things it might work You never know hey, it's like breaking breaking the glass breaking the fourth wall when you do that like come on Good advice like if you're feeling some type of way, it's like I still love this person So why don't I just reach out give give you a hug, remember what I love.

And then, you know, you're not mad at me anymore or vice versa. It's hard. It's very hard. It is hard. And I worry because I love to argue. So I'm like, oh, no. What if I just squabble? I don't want to just squabble or be like a, what is it, a shrewd?

Nicole? Or a fucking nag let me give your young ass some advice these men these days do not like to argue or squabble women like us are like i can have a knockdown drag out without being disrespectful passionate argument and be okay minutes later but these breed this this breed of men with that ages 25 to 60 which is all of them they don't seem to be able to have the backbone or the spine to engage in biting conversation without without without feeling like it's really an attack or an argument i had a problem with my last boyfriend.

A cancer, which I think they're pussies. Probably not, but they feel like they are. And male cancers are just sensitive. And I have a problem with the sensitive men. And this is a draconian, old-ass way of thinking. I'm 75. You know that I'm old. So I have a thing where I just don't have the patience for sensitive people.

But men particularly, I'm like, dude, you've gotta... I'd rather you be an insensitive asshole than be sensitive. That's just me. Really? I don't have time, Nicole. We don't got time. I like sensitive boys. Oh, so disgusting. So gross. I like a boy who can

feel. No, I got titties to feel. I barely have titties to feel, so maybe that's what that is. I like, yeah, I think I like sensitive boys because I'm like, sometimes I have trouble expressing my feelings. So I'm like, you express yours and then I'll see how I feel. And then that's good. No, that's fear. Where did you find your current boyfriend?

Oh, well, I met him in 1989. Holy shit. I graduated high school in 89, and he was the first full-grown actual man that I met after high school graduation because I got I went to a community college because my grades have always been trash and I went to a community college and business administration class I was sitting in the back because I was still a troublemaker in class and he came in class way late nowhere to sit so he's had to sit in the front row by the window and he was the first man that made me be like, I went to a Catholic high school. So I wasn't, I was around boys, but they were all the same ones

that I saw every day for four years. He was the first like full grown man jock who was not in my class. I didn't know him. And he was, he were, I remember he had an all red Nike gear, the basketball bag, the sneakers, everything, Just a big, beautiful man. And I was in love with him from that moment. But we were in class. He had a girlfriend. It wasn't meant to be. He transferred, left.

I graduated, went to another school, a four-year college. And we stayed in contact. And we had a friends with benefits relationship probably on and off for about 15 20 years 15 20 years meaning we had sex like twice a year for that long when I would go back to New York to visit my family I'd go see him and he wanted to he wanted to make it a permanent thing but I live in LA I don't believe in long distance long distance to me me is bullshit. If you love him or love her, go there. So I wouldn't do long distance. So we just would hook up every Thanksgiving

or Christmas for years, no matter who I was dating. Sorry, whoever's going to hear this, but fuck it now. Yeah. So when I moved back to New York, he was like, well, you're back now, let's do this. So we decided to get back when I moved back two years ago. I guess distance makes the heart grow fonder or forget 15 20 years to get down to get dead ass that's a long time that's so funny that you don't believe in long distance relationships why it's a waste i

did it once i did it one i met a i met this fuck boy piece of shit cheater uh dude named ryan and he was he's a he was at that time a marine and i met him on black people meet.com what a funny name for a website a very nicole very popular site that site is popping i don't know what it's doing now but when i I was on it, it was popping. Blackpeoplemeet.com. I fucking love it. Anybody here in this podcast, they will know. Especially white girls.

As years progressed recently, white people will be all up on it. You know the chocolate got around. We're in the good sauce now. That's very funny to be like, how do I meet black people? That's what I think i like i better head to www.blackpeoplemeet.com and i met ryan the marine and we hooked up and we're cool and hanging out and he had he got deployed to somewhere in the middle east and he left me his car to watch he's gone for a year so we had the very pining i love you i miss you thing but when he came back right before he

got back i got a phone call from someone who alleged to be his wife oh no she said your cell phone number is all up and over and around these bills which clearly clearly he's not bright and how to cheat uh-huh but i had already broken up with him like right when that phone call happened because when he when he came back with me and deployed he was so unavailable which means they're fucking everybody else you gotta go see his wife yeah and girlfriend and girlfriend too i had a girlfriend call me also so that's why i'm a long distance it's too hard to monitor it's too hard to trust and you might i might meet someone and or you that makes it be like you know what they're in san fran or india i'll try but i did it twice i don't like long distance i'd rather just be single and see you when i come visit damn ryan i also i cannot fathom

combing through a phone bill looking at who my partner is calling. Ooh, girl! That's a lot of work. Yeah, I know. And it's exhausting. Long distance is also very tiring. So because of that, I'm like, I know my temperament. And it's hard to long distance with someone that you actually are longing for. If you don't long for them, then you can be away and live your life do your thing but if you get this if cupid hits you long distance

is painful it's pain every day i mean i didn't want to have to feel that with someone that i actually really am pining away for all the time which is the guy i'm with now so you know i can't help it with him something about him hit me in the heart and every other part. When I met him when I was seven, when I was eight, when I was 18, that I have never been able to shake. He is an addiction. It's a problem. It's not always healthy. It's very sexual.

What do you mean it's not always healthy? Not always healthy in that I feel like there are parts of him that I might have outgrown that I'm ignoring. Like there are parts of him that I might have outgrown that I'm ignoring. But I'm so happy to finally be with him and to try this that I admit I'm ignoring some things. Not major, nothing to do with my health and well-being. Just in terms of, you know, at this point in my life and my career, I should have someone a little more accomplished. But I don't. So I'm like, yeah, I'm content with the way that is right now. So right now, the thing with me and him, it's fun,

but I don't necessarily believe that it's the right thing for me right now, but I'm going to fuck it away until I figure it out. And is this something you've spoken about with him? Ah, have I? Kind of. But he really has a problem with real discussions and real conversation. See, that's why I like a sensitive boy. Because a sensitive boy will have a real conversation with you.

Not necessarily. Or they will avoid it because they can't do it. You'll get one or the other. You'll get the one who will share their ass all because they are in touch with you and your sensitive feelings. Or you'll get the one who's like,

I don't like confrontation. I don't like my feelings. I don't discuss them. I'm a man. We don't do that. You'll get two of the extremes. Or you may get one that's like, I'm able to discuss and or not discuss. But I find sensitive is either too much or not enough. That's just my experience.

All right. Well, real quick, we have to take a break. And we're back. Okay, so you give inspirational corporate speeches. Yes. And the topic is how to find your fabulous. Yes. I'm not trying to get you to give it away for free, but what do you talk about during your corporate speeches?

The elevator pitch that I created, or I got help creating, admittedly, was I work to influence women around the world by inspiring them to find the funny in their flaws. So if I had the power, which is not there yet, but I like speaking to primarily women. And the backbone of my story is never too late to start a new job or a new career or a new journey. to start a new job or a new career or a new journey. And the things that have probably made you really feel bad about who you are and what you've accomplished are things that, you know, they can be made into, you can learn from them and find the funny in them without all the trauma.

Example, I did a speech at the Women's Empowerment Conference in Vegas two years ago, right? The year before, 2019 before COVID. And it was thousands of women at the MGM in Vegas two years ago, right? The year before, 2019 before COVID. And it was thousands of women at the MGM in Vegas. And one woman after my speech pulled me aside and said, in my speech, it was like, I've always been kind of told that Jackie, you're a lot and men don't really know how to, some men. And she told me that she had a guy that she talked to and he always told her that she had too many dreams and she was too much and she wanted to do and she dumped him and she said that she was so it was so hard for him to

get rid of him and she cried and i cried i get a lot of women telling me now that i give them the courage to try something that i became a comic when i was 35 and some women are like i want to go to college but i'll be 40 when i'm done. I want to start a business. And my thing is all about do whatever you want to do. It's not too late. And if you are a chubby girl, if you have a gap in your teeth, if you've never been skinny, if you can't find a guy, all of these things don't make you flawed. They make you fabulous. If you can figure out what about you makes, if you can laugh at yourself, the things that make you feel like you are nothing, if you can laugh at yourself the things that make you feel like you are nothing if you can laugh at it then it's not such an insurmountable thing to get over that poor woman whose partner told her that she had too many dreams and then she dumped him and then he wouldn't go

away sounds like a narcissist i've uh uh been i don't Instagram for whatever reason has been feeding me like like relationship stuff about like narcissism and stuff and I was like boy that sounds awful oh it's like a bad time I don't want that that's the problem with a lot of women that I've been finding is that a lot of us we're trained to dim our light, unfortunately, for men. And, you know, I'm trying to get women to be like, you have to be the firecracker that you are, regardless of what those around you may think. Men, your family, your kids, like sometimes the cheerleaders that you need are never in your family. You're not dating them. You have to look in the mirror and find your own motivation.

them you have to look in the mirror and find your own motivation and my my speeches are always like i really didn't have anyone tell me i was amazing you know or that i was attractive or that i had talent all that shit i figured out myself and i'm trying to give speeches that try and make women feel like you may not ever have anyone to give you what you need to do what you want to do and try what you want to try all of my stuff just came from fuck it i'm gonna try and and if i fail i fail but if i'm having fun i might stick with it you know and sometimes women are so with the husband and the kids and the chores and they do nothing for themselves so i'm gonna try and get women to be like you know make you a priority and do whatever you want to do and try what you want to try don't worry about being 30 or 50 or 70 none of that shit matters you know it is wild that we as a society go uh-oh you're 40

you haven't done what you said you're gonna do or what you think you should be doing so like i guess you give up but you pass away it's so weird that there's like a timeline that you got to hit certain things i know we're gonna die anyway and this whole thing is i can't go back to school i'll be 50 well god willing bitch you will be 50 anyway so go to class go to class and do what you want to do and like have a nice time i always think it's so wild when people are like they feel limited in what they can do you know what i mean because it's like you're not you are an example of that you're an example of whatever the fuck you want to try try every now and then I'll be in public and I'll be scrolling and then I'll come across Nicole Byer half naked on a pole oh my bad sorry

I mean I will say I did my friend Eleanor who introduced me to polling and, you know, strippers, I love strippers, but Eleanor was the one who was like actively taking classes. I did say to her, I was like, am I too fat to take a class? And she was like, no,

she was like, absolutely not. She's like, no, no. It's like, you could just do what your body allows you to do. Don't worry.

Take the class. And I was like, okay. And literally that's all I needed to be like, I'm doing it. So sometimes you need a person to say it out loud but like if you're listening to this you're like should I I'll be the person fucking do it Jackie would be the person just do it you'll just feel better and I'm not good at a lot of my little hobbies but they make me feel good exactly and and you may never be good at what the things that you try but

people are so concerned what everybody else thinks and the older i get and in this business people it doesn't matter people try all kind of shit that i have never thought of trying and they do it and they're happy i may see i may see it and be like that's stupid and they're like well i did it so just do it nobody nothing matters i pandemic, do whatever the fuck you want. Yeah. I hope more people feel like that. They're like, we have a very finite amount of time in on this planet. So it's like, why wouldn't you do the things that make you happy and bring you fucking joy, baby?

Girl, when I when I do when I have like road dates that I want to bring my guy with me, and if there are any other comics on the shows with me, when I go downstairs to go do the show, they're like, what did you and your guy do all day? Did you go on trips? Did you go for lunch? Did you go see the sights? I'm like, no, we stayed in the hotel room all day and had a lot of sex.

And they're like, every day? I'm like, yeah, I stayed in the hotel room all day and had a lot of sex. And they're like, every day? I'm like, yeah, I can go see the Liberty Bell whenever the fuck I want. I want to see his bell. You know what I'm saying? Hey. I mean, the Liberty Bell. Who? Whoever wants.

I went and saw the Liberty Bell. And I agree with you. It's just a fucking bell. Yeah. I was so mad. I don't know what I thought was It's just a fucking bell. Yeah. I was so mad. I don't know what I thought was going to happen at the bell, but I was like, straight up, we're just a bunch of idiots looking at a bell.

What are we doing? I was so mad. So mad. It reminds me of Seinfeld. He's like, when he travels to tour and people are like, you got to see so-and-so. He's like, no, I don't. And I agree with him so much. You got gotta go have this cheesesteak or whatever you gotta go see this monument he's like no

i'm the same way yeah i i'm like i used to go out and do things the older i get when i tour i can't like i'm just tired it's like i flew in got off a plane did a show maybe drank went to sleep late woke up I'm still fucking tired from the day before and I have to do a show later you gotta get in the shower in three hours you gotta eat there's no time to go see shit yeah can't do

anything it's a relief sometimes going on the road like oh I'm away from people I can sleep full nights and all that kind of shit it's a it's a relief sometimes going on the road like oh i'm away from people i can sleep full nights and all that kind of shit it's amazing i'm away from the fucking people i get lonely sometimes oh yeah me too it's a it's a what i think that's a green day song it's a lonely road the only road that i have ever known. I fucking love Green Day. Anyway, I have a question. Yes, yes. So, okay.

Say you're getting married or whatever, and you need a prenup. Can you do a prenup? Yeah. Can I create one or go on? Yeah, that's all the forums online. Mind you, I don't have any experience with that, so I probably would consult a lawyer. I don't want to fuck it up. But I have the tools to research how to do it, yeah.

Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah. I am so interested in pre-nups. I, like, read a little bit about pre-nups. And in some, you get, like, the woman gets money based on the sex of the child that they have. And sometimes women will get less money for having girls because they don't carry the name and i was like wow they didn't change that yet that's i mean you can still do that in your prenup and you can you know contest it and be like no

women are or girls are worth the same amount but i just think it's so interesting to negotiate the end of your marriage at the beginning of your marriage. You know what? I'm not going to lie. I've been thinking about the prenup thing because I'm supposed to be getting married in September to this gentleman we're talking about. But who would have thought? Then I'm like, okay. Who ever would have thought you guys were getting married?

I truly was like, wait, what? Yes, I'm allegedly engaged. I say allegedly because today, on this day, Super Bowl Sunday, my relationship is not going that well. But as of two or three days ago, I was madly in love and we're getting married in September. So today is rough. Who proposed to who? I assume he proposed to you? It wasn't a proposal. It was like a discussion.

Oh. I assume he proposed to you. It wasn't a proposal. It was like a discussion. Oh. It was like a... When we got back together two years ago, he kept bringing up the topic of marriage, like all the time.

And I was kind of like, I don't know where my head is at yet, bro. I'm enjoying the reuniting with you and all the sex that we didn't have for 20 years. And he kept bringing it up. And we went to Hawaii. I had a gig there. I made it longer for a vacation.

And he became this love-bombing, romantic lunatic. And he's like, you know we're going to get married, right? And I was like, yeah. So that's kind of how it went. It was kind of like, I remember we were drunk and high. And I think we were almost fucking on the balcony in the hotel. And it happened in a drunken just embrace. It was no, there was no proposal.

It was kind of like, are you, and I never want to be without, I don't want to be without you. And then it was just after that, the next morning, the next morning, he was like, we were laying in the bed in the dark and I was on his chest. He was like, did we get engaged? And I said, I think we did. So it happened very ghetto style. I love that y'all were like, did we? I think so. Yeah.

That's how much he came out and discussed his feelings. He was like, I think we're engaged. I'm like, is that your way of, okay. I just took it. And I'm like, I think we are. And we ran from it and talked about it every day since then. Have you like picked out a dress? Is there a venue?

Are you enjoying planning? It's going to be a courthouse thing and then a nice dinner at a nice fancy place with our immediate families. It was going to be a big wedding, but he thought I wanted a big wedding. I thought he wanted a big wedding because he has a big Antiguan family from Antigua.

And I have Jamaica he thought we're gonna have like this big West Indian sucking Bob Marley showdown I'm like no I don't want any of that and he's like I don't want that either so we decided I'm gonna get a pretty dress white I'm gonna wear white white because we're born again every day and he'll wear a nice light suit so that's all it's gonna be simple I i often think about my wedding and at one point i was like big dumb stupid wedding yeah where my gay male friends will be bridesmaids and drag and you know i'm gonna wear flames and glitter and feel the older i've gotten i'm like i don't even know if i want a ceremony i think i exactly it goes when you start when you when you begin thinking about the the uh

the tediousness or the the work involved in preparing i don't like here's the thing about me i am an extrovert when I have to be I don't necessarily I don't necessarily like the spotlight and attention here's Jackie I don't like that unless I'm working I'm working and I'm like yes please I want music a band all that shit but in regular life I don't necessarily like everyone I look at her and look at what she has on and I get kind of anxiety with that kind of stuff. So I thought about the big party and the big wedding. And I'm like, my personality would rather be fancy and expensive on a very small scale. You know what I mean?

That's more me. That's interesting that you say that because I am pretty outgoing, pretty much an extrovert. But lately, like when I go to the airport, I'll put on my colorful like track suit or like leopard print set. And then I'll look in the mirror and I'll go, someone's going to talk to me. And I'm going to have to have a conversation about why I look so fun. And my suitcase is leopard print. And I don't want that. So I'll take off the clothes and then put on like all black and a hat.

So people leave me the fuck alone. And it's not, it's, it's not like people recognizing me. Cause I, I look like a little boy when I fly. Cause I don't have a padded bra on or anything. And I,

I don't have my wigs on. I'm not wearing makeup, but it's like people. You're not a boy, honey. Have you, have you seen, have you seen your ass?

It is a big old ass baby got back baby thank you beautiful beautiful people will ask me questions like wow that's like flashy like do you like uh like are you happy like one lady at the airport she was like are you like a happy person and i was like yes i don't i don't know where to go with this i know what what are you gonna say to a stranger no i'm usually very sad i'm a very sad person i'm wearing the colors to remind me there's joy in the world yeah i just sometimes i feel like the the black lady on the bench in forrest gump where forrest just talks and drones on and on and on she's like i'm late for my fucking bus but like

i yeah i'm the same way and of and funny you said that of late and i mean like in the last probably three years one year prior to pandemic i have been dressing more and more like uh a nine year old girl in elementary school and amy miller of course i love amy i know you love. I love Amy. I know, I love her. I sent her a picture of a pair of hot pink metallic cowboy boots. And she said, you are one outfit away from being a full drag queen. Because I'm always sending her flamboyantly loud pink glitter. And lately I've been wearing more shit like that. And I love it. But because I wear hot pink, you know, fluorescent, whatever,

people are like, everyone wants to talk to me. And I'm like, I didn't wear this really for that. I wore it because I'm a girl who loves girly shit. You know what I mean? It is funny that people, like, feel like if you're wearing something fun, that's like an invitation to talk. But it's like, no, I wore this for me. Exactly.

There are some times where I'm like, I did wear this for people to talk to me. I'm in a good mood, please. Or you're inadvertently trying to help people's moods around you. Like a thing that I, like Sarah Jessica Parker on, and whatever,

it's Texan in the City Part 2. That title is a little hard to remember. But I feel like I like dressing like a black version of Carrie Bradshaw. I love the big poofy dress. I love a dress. I love poof. And I own these tulle, like taffeta, whatever they call it, wedding dress skirts in different colors. And when I wear them, I am so fucking happy.

Because I'm wearing a tutu for no reason. For no reason other than you want to be in it. Exactly. But the amount of attention these skirts get from women, they damn near have orgasms

in the street. They're like, oh, is that a hot pig? Valerie, I told you! But you can't help that. But I make them happy. And that actually makes me happy too. I loved And Just Like That that it was one of the

worst shows i've ever seen on television i watched every fucking episode i want more of it this show is brilliant it's got us all cussing them off to high heaven but we're still like but i'm going to watch it and i want these bitches to come back for another season but y'all did a horrible job by the way terrible and i loved it it's so weird it's insane that i loved it as much as i did because i was like i loved it this isn't good because here's why i don't think it's good i i think the series seasons one through six are here the movies are not canon to the series i think and just like that is canon to the two movies they're very much like the movies and not like the series that is a brilliant analysis nicole that's so fucking good and i was like because i too have given this series

way too much of my brain time yes and that is a wonderful way to describe it because the series is why I went back yes yes they negate so much from the series but it and I feel like Carrie marrying big negated a lot of stuff that we set up in the series yeah when they actually get married you're like like, what? He's terrible to her. He's never actually liked her. So spoiler, I'm going to spoil it. If you didn't watch the first fucking episode, I knew something was up because he was being nice to her and liked her. And I was like, there is no world where this is true

and is going to play out for the rest of the series. And then when it happened, I was like, of course it did. He hated her. I think the creators and all this stuff, they knew going in, we're not going to do this unless we're going to get a season two. I think they, of course,

I think they're like, we're not going to put all this work in and ridicule to be like, hey guys, temporary. No, there's no way. I guarantee you there'll be another season. I hope so. I need more Che Diaz.

Che Diaz. I have a crush on che i went that scene where where they were helping uh cynthia nixon get off i was like i was i was like first of all che your your uh what you call your procedure your tactic how you did it is very good it was i mean if you want to get fingered real quick in the kitchen that's the way that's what we all do What you call your procedure, your tactic, how you did it is very good. It was. I mean, if you want to get fingered real quick in the kitchen, that's the way. That's the way to do it. The way they did it. Everyone watching.

That's how we all get fingered standing up by the counter. I don't think I've ever been fingered standing up by a counter. What? Girl, what's the kitchen for? What's the kitchen for? Girl, what's the kitchen for? What's the kitchen for? Oh, it's for cooking, holding bottles of ketchup in the refrigerator, cutting up the vegetables. Until somebody enters you from the back in the kitchen, you have not been in your kitchen.

Wow. Yeah, I didn't know that was a thing that we were all doing. I'm not adventurous with the sex i'm like a bed um yeah bent over a bed on a bed near a bed beds oh you you require a bed i mean i i thought we were all doing it on beds i mean i have in my in youth, I fucked in bathrooms. But other than that, yeah, bedrooms. What? You know what's funny?

When Clubhouse was a thing during the pandemic when we were all suicidal, there was some room that I was in and Tiffany Haddish came in the room. And one of the few times that I've been able to see her and talk to her since she's, you know, blew up. We were talking about sex and the topic and somebody else was like i need a bed and me and tiffany which were together like you don't need a bed to get it on you need a bed you ain't never fuck without a bed we're like you ain't have a bed stand up bend over like we're like the last thing we need is a bed yes for the most part i

mean i've fucked in like public restrooms um a bench or two but for the most part, I mean, I've fucked in like public restrooms, a bench or two. But for the most part, yeah, beds. I just remember I may have mentioned on this podcast before, but there is a scene in Soul Food where cousin Faye is like fucking her cousin's husband against a wall. And he like lifts her up. And my mother looked at me and she said that takes a lot of balance and that's very hard and i think i just took that to heart i was like 12 and i was like yeah i guess you gotta lay down to fuck because otherwise it's hard no but but against the wall being picked up as one of thousands of positions

that's not the one that you and i should be looking to have fulfilled yeah unless i'm fucking the rock who's like yeah you're a feather let me tell you i have this joke that i never do but i always think about it when it comes to that when i was younger i would clown man if they didn't try and pick me up i'd be like you are a pussy pick me up and now i'm like you don't want to throw your back out and blame me nigga no put me down be a hero put me the fuck down that's very funny i once had a man pick me up and i was like he's gonna die yeah you get you get worried about them when they try that yeah because i could feel all of his bones and muscles working to hoist me up and i was like that's not how it should feel no it's supposed to be pleasurable not like are you about to throw

your back out sir you about to pass what's going on you better put me the fuck down i was just thinking i was like i guess i mean i've like stood up bent over a bed can you bend over and touch your ankles oh yeah of course there you go that's a wonderful position stand up bend over touch your ankles oh that's all that's all access right there interesting yeah okay sitting down on chairs let him sit on the chair you sit on him facing him not facing him oh having a tall guy helps but i realize that's not really invalid every all heights is possible you just have to have a guy who's open to try you gotta try there's really no rule forget the books or what you've seen online. You got to have a partner that's like, let's just try. If it doesn't work, we'll untry.

So when you try, are you like, are you saying, hey, get up, get up and sit there and I'm a slam down on you? You know, when you're in the moment, like you're in the moment, like we are actively making love, you can guide each other speaking about it, but not like, go over here and sit down. I'll just be like go over here and sit down i'll just be like i want to i want to sit facing you can you just sit over and grab that chair you just gently give direction that's all wow that was pretty sexy right there it was yeah and it brought me back to every time i've ever had sex and said something I'm like I'm not sexy I'm like hey flip me over please it's cold you gotta like it you gotta soften it up a little bit

I guess so yeah that was oh yeah okay hey oh maybe that's why I'm sick I don't know how to be sensual oh my god i told you men are pussies not all of y'all but most of you and that's what i want i want a pussy man i want a sensitive boy that's what i want real quick we have to take another break. Jackie, I have a question. Yes. So like, were you like a big flirt in high school? Did you have to, I feel like it's a shitty question to be like, did you always have confidence?

But I feel like, I don't know, that's like a question fat ladies get asked a lot. But I'm curious i truly honestly i honestly and truly do not know the source for the confidence besides trial and error uh-huh there was no my parents took care of me and i had a good childhood but they weren't encouragers unless it was academic stuff you know and by that i mean don't fucking fail nothing really nurturing so and in high school i was insecure because i felt all of my girlfriends were prettier than me and i lived in an era where if you were light-skinned you were the more attractive girl so i had that stigma in my head and i was i was a funny girl and all of my best friends in schools were always guys so i

kind of made my way of handling the insecurity that was I knew was bound to happen I come I combated that by making my friends men and that kind of saved me from a lot of insecurity because I all of my friends were dudes so I kind of felt like one of them although I would date them because I you know I would occasionally date my guy friends and I felt like and when I my first serious boyfriend I was with him my guy friends. And I felt like, and when I, my first serious boyfriend, I was with him, my ex-husband, for like nine, ten years. But he told me every day I was beautiful. He showered me with love the whole relationship. So I would accredit him.

He passed away a while ago, a heart attack. I would accredit him with feeding me daily while he and I were together. Even when we were fighting, he thought I was gorgeous so when he and when he and I ended and I moved moved to LA and there was no more him and I had to live on my own it was my first time being single and ever because I had him forever and I really don't know I just something I would probably God probably him telling me every day that I'm pretty so I'm like I must be pretty if he thinks that he was an attractive guy. And because I was always the funny girl around my guy friends,

it made it easier to flirt. Because they're comfortable around me, and I'm comfortable around them. So I kind of have always been a flirty girl without being sexual about it, but I know how to make guys be blush also. You know what I mean? That's a skill that I think i have i'm very

good at flirting with men because i feel like women we think we need a special way to be flirted with but i think men need the same attention like i like flattery so do men like i like being told i love your sneakers and all your hair men love all that shit too like do some of the things that we like have done to us. Do that to men. You'd be shocked at how much they're like, oh, they get all flustered and they get blushy and they get embarrassed. And use that to your advantage.

You know? That's very good advice. Because they don't get it. They don't get it. They live their life as we're the provider. We have to do this. We have to. Men are always expected to have a job to do

they're really they're rarely ever fawned over like you know look at those muscles or hey shoulders that kind of shit will make a man smile all day long and i use that when i want to date someone or when i'm attracted to a guy the guy friends i've had guy friends be like i thought you liked me i'm like no i'm just letting you know that your beard is cute. You know, it's just flattery works. Interesting. I never compliment men. And I don't know why. I guess I should.

I mean, sometimes I do. My male friends, I do. But if I'm like interested in the guy, I'm like, oh, I don't want to come off too strong. I don't want them to be like, oh, what is she doing? I just get like real self-conscious about it. I would say don't when you you approach men don't approach them with you're trying to get the number or the digits or the dick i would say approach them like you're just trying to make them laugh because the comedy thing this comedy shit works on everyone and i've made a lot of men laugh and then that makes them be like i like being around her they don't want to be around me more. I'm making it sound like I have large spans of time with no boyfriend, like years.

But when I'm in that drought period voluntarily or involuntarily, I always have a fuck buddy of some sort. I feel like women, women who don't get laid because they want a boyfriend, I think it wakes in your life. Find somewhere somehow to at least get your needs taken care of also that's another thing if you're not hungry and thirsty and starving you appear to be more desirable if you are going after a dude and they can tell you seem thirsty and thirsty can thirsty you can you can appear horny without realizing it i'm like i masturbate a lot fuck buddy i'm always i gotta get an orgasm out some way to be out in the world so i would say do that so that when you do approach men it's no the old rule

that men have jerk off before you go out on a date uh-huh the same rule that we should be following when you're going when you're gonna go out to meet dude you shouldn't be all pent up and horny i haven't seen a dick since christmas they can tell oh they can tell they can tell they're like she's on the prowl and that is the best way to have a guy run away last example i thought of in the shower the other day women who don't want to go after men i don't want to put the effort to sign the guy i'm like when you're hunting if you're a hunter wherever you are in the country, you hunt animals. You have to have an outfit on.

You have to wear a special outfit to go hunt. The clothing has to have a clothing pattern, camo, whatever, to hunt. You got to go out a certain time of day. You got a certain time of year, certain guns, certain bait. Because you're trying to catch something that does not want to be caught. It's the same rules for trying to find a man. You got to wear an outfit or at least try and look cute or clean. Go somewhere that you know they might be a certain time of night.

Have a certain kind of bait, whether it's your conversation or your looks, whatever. But men don't want to be caught, but you have to put the steps in place to hunt for them. So it's the same thing for animals. They don't want to get caught but you have to put the the steps in place to hunt for them so it's the same thing for animals they don't want to get caught they're in the wild men are out there in the wild if you want to get them you got to put some effort into it you got to go where they are wear the outfit have the bait go out of the early morning when you go on trying to find a boyfriend you got to put some work into it i know we want them to come to us where are they i don't know what do you wear what do you what do you want to wear do you want to wear for nicole do you want to wear for them or a mixture you any any woman is like i dress for me well then that's why you

haven't seen a penis in three years you have to dress for more than you oh interesting without being uncomfortable example somebody might hear that and think well jackie wants me to wear heels i don't got time i don't know i wish i wear i wear cute sneakers with every outfit a dress a skirt comfort and knowing you look cute that's what i mean by looking cute for the date i don't mean dressing for men i mean dressing for nicole but knowing that men will like it too you have to care about that kind of stuff yeah yeah so maybe you show a little cleavy little cleavage but then you're just like but also uh my pants are they're wide-legged and comfy yeah exactly you want to

wear a leopard pin bodysuit go ahead but where but let me see some flesh can i see a titty a little bit of meat give me something so you feel like you but but he's also like well i want to see what's going on you know i'm saying you got to give him something you know all right i think that's i think that's good advice you have to do something you and when you say i don't i don't i never compliment men i mean think about how often you say i never go out this time of day i never compliment men i never count how often how many of those you have. And then you'll be like, this is why I'm single. I got too many things I don't do.

I got to start doing things. Yeah, like Sondra Rimes, say yes. You got to say yes to shit. Yes, say yes to the experience. Say yes to a man. Say yes to everything. Yes, the compliments. Yes, make him feel good about himself.

You know, that's because you're trying to get, have an ultimate goal you're not really trying to get him you're trying to get what you need but you gotta play the game interesting you know and and in turn you playing the game getting what you want will hopefully get his rocks off too i think this is all good advice. Thanks. Yeah. Well, Jackie, we've come to the end. No, I have a song I wrote for you. I want to sing it. Wait, really? No, I'm kidding.

Do you have anything you want to promote? I am at the DC Comedy Loft. March, March, March. I'm at DC Comedy Loft. Where the fuck is it? 10th through 12th. Yes, March 10th through 12th. I'm at DC Comedy Loft. And when I'm not there, I'm always at the comedy cellar in the village in New York City.

And you can go to jackiefabulous.com for more dates i forget them all because they keep getting canceled or rescheduled i don't i don't know what's happening it is annoying yeah it is uh like covid really makes it fucking hard to do with uh to like schedule any fucking okay anything literally okay well if you like this episode of why won't you date me you can like it you can rate it you can subscribe you can give me five stars

on apple podcasts and then if you write me something nasty and send it to why won't you date me podcast at gmail dot com I will read it so this person wrote to me so you and me go out we have a little bit of fun at chucky cheese we go back to your place and podcast all night long about hypothetical situations we get into together like fantasize how i could bring you to a lady glory

hole and go slurp slurp suck suck or try to tune to a specific radio station or try to tune to a specific radio station with your clit but that's it we only podcast about hypotheticals i'm waiting till marriage well okay that what that was that's interesting um hypotheticals okay how about this i want nicole to slip her feet yes both feet into my into my sopping wet hole and use me as a pair of diving flippers that's funny oh that's hilarious and the imagination is crazy yeah what a horrible image and i fucking love it Love it. Okay. Bye-bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me? With me, Nicole Byer.

Why Won't You Date Me? is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotaroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much.

We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream. What a dream. Ha ha ha. This has been a Team Coco production.