Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Serving the Full Fantasy (w/ Creme Fatale)

Episode Date: November 27, 2020

Drag queen & makeup artist Creme Fatale joins Nicole to discuss dating horror stories, how to leave a bad date fast, why aren't there any lady gloryholes, and makeup. Check out Creme Fetale's YouTube channel here: youtube.com/channel/UCJS8an0aBA9NfTBku95UOtw For more drag queens on Why Won't You Date Me, check out our episode playlist on Spotify: https://spoti.fi/3fg8Epu Support Black Lives Matter. For a list of resources and ways to help, check out blacklivesmatters.carrd.co. Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Facebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy Buy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964 Order Nicole's book: www.indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where a mean old cold buyer tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could start a full-blown stealing operation with cars and call me fast and furious. Oh, boy, I'm running out of these little intros.

Maybe I'll start writing them. I don't know. Anyway, today my guest is a fabulous drag queen, a fabulous makeup artist. I'm very excited. It's Krem Fatale. Yay! Hi! Hi, hi, hi, Krem. Thank you so much for doing this. Thank you for having me. I have been following you for such a long time you are such a talented makeup artist thank you my god i where did you where did you get your start i started drag like six years ago and honestly before that i wasn't like great at makeup at all

it was just kind of like i learned how to do it through doing drag so I was like okay I taught myself how to do like the worst possible version of makeup and then just tone it down and learn how to do like real makeup and then started a career in makeup from that do you have like a day job where you're doing makeup or do you are you a international celebrity makeup artist oh I wish no I have I work in beauty but like corporate beauty so I'm like behind the scenes at a makeup company um doing like mostly business stuff and then some creative things but I kind of like it I see I I mean it truly sounds like fun i'm into it i feel like your aesthetic is like it's like hyper feminine but also full fantasy oh because sometimes you'll be like blue or like

purple and i i just that i love that the blending is wild thank you i love to give the full fantasy like everything is painted everything has to be painted like i will paint things that you cannot see really just for myself yeah if i'm wearing a low-cut top like full titty is painted uh i just did a show like a virtual show with trixie metall and she was like you paint the hands you paint the ears you paint behind the neck anything that's showing you paint yep and I'm just like that might be too much work for little lazy me I do more like a cheating version so I'll paint like my face my chest all of it but like my hands and my like legs and my arms and stuff I'll do I'll make like custom like pantyhose body suits in that color or like dye them to match the colors that i paint my skin because i hate when like you can see the

skin that's not the full fantasy to me the fantasy is lost it's dead how did you how did you get into drag i read an article that you started in san francisco Yeah, I started doing drag there. And do you, so do you consider yourself a bio queen? What is, I don't, is it just drag? Do you prefer something? I think I prefer drag queen for sure. When I first started out, it was still kind of like new to me.

So like people would be like, oh, well we can call them bio queens or we could call them, like the worst one was faux queen, which is like fake queen, which is like I'm doing twice the or we can call them, like, the worst one was faux queen, which is, like, fake queen, which is, like, I'm doing twice the work that you are. I don't think I'm a fake queen. But, like, the whole bio queen thing is a little bit,

I would say a lot a bit transphobic. It's, like, not very inclusive of, like, all of the gender spectrum. So we just want to say, like, drag queen. I feel like it's very weird, like, if you can say, like, a drag queen, like, that's what we're doing like you don't really need enough like you don't need a qualifier you don't need a qualifier you don't need to tell people like she has a vagina beware like it's like very watch out I I mean I won't lie there was a time in my life where i was like drag is men and i guess as i got older and i

was like exposed to more drag i was like oh no drag is just performance and like who gives a fuck what the gender is of the person performing yeah it's gender expression and performance and like using that as like your your method to like you, put out like what your experiences have been in your life and your gender and your body. So it doesn't really matter like what you start off as, I would say. Like it's just like the art of it. Have you been doing Zoom shows and whatnot during quarantine? Oh, yes. Have they been? Do you enjoy them?

I kind of like it just because like i don't have to put shoes on honestly that's the best answer i don't have to wear a corset i could just like fake it halfway through which like but it's gonna go back to the club so i'm not gonna be ready i feel the same way i've done two two standup shows since quarantine started in March. And the first one back, I fully was like, oh boy, I have too much to say. I don't know how to say all of this. Also, I have nothing to say at the same time. It was hard to like collect my thoughts.

And I may have said this on the podcast. I don't remember. But midway through a joke that was about a year and a half old I was like oh no what's the next beat of that joke and my friend Sashir was there and I was like Sashir do you know the rest of the joke she's like where you at and I told her and she was like no no I don't know and I was like oh okay well sorry guys you're not gonna see you're not gonna hear the rest of this joke yeah it's working again has been very strange in person yeah I've seen a few of the Instagram videos of yours and everybody's like very far apart uh-huh yeah yeah it's strange and I was watching Chelsea Handler's uh like a bit of

her special last night she shot a special during quarantine or yeah within like the last couple months and it was outside. Some people were masked. Some people weren't. And I was like, is this our new is this the new way of life? I hate I hate it. It is depressing. It's been I don't even know if I'm sad anymore. This is just like the way life has been.

It's just like one long march. It doesn't feel like finally I've been up here like in the North Bay for like two days and like they actually have colors that change on the leaves. So it kind of feels different. I'm like, oh, things are crispy things in orange. gal but i was like halloween is a season and i need a season like i need some sort of fucking change yeah so like let's get spooky ooky let's get some pumpkins let's get to carving let's do something yeah it's like the only indicator that things have been changing at all yes yeah because it does feel like we're in this weird groundhog day type deal where it's just like new horrible information but it's like stay inside or go outside and don't wear a mask because it feels like there's no in between. Yeah, there is no in between. If you go outside, like literally most people aren't wearing masks and I'm like, oh, sorry, did this end? Did I like not get the memo? Have I like quarantined myself

into like a coma? Like, did I forget that I didn't hear anything? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes I was like walking back from the last show I did and I hear anything yeah yeah yeah sometimes i was like walking back from the last show i did and i was just dodging people because i was like i don't want to be near you if you're not wearing a mask because i don't know where the fuck you've been uh but i was like wait did yeah did i miss it did truly a newsletter blast come out that i unsubscribed to say that the pandemic was done yep and that's like weird because you're like dodging people without mask or like somebody's wearing a mask but as soon as they go to say something to you they pull it down yes and i'm like who are you protecting at that point like the air around you

like you're going on you're walking on the sidewalk nobody around you you're wearing your mask but as soon as you come across one person you take it off i know it's very frustrating it is very frustrating i feel like this pandemic is just a test of are you fluent in common sense or fully fucking ignorant i think it's funny because like most people would say that nobody had common sense before this but like now we know now it's like confirmed we don't yes yeah it's i feel truly wild every time i wake up i go okay we're still doing this it's like a non-problem but i've been having my bathroom renovated because i had a leak in my house oh i relate to that it's awful yeah it is so awful to have a leak in your house because it could be the pipes or it could be the shower and you're like i

don't know you fix one and hope that's what it is but you might have to fix fucking pipes and i'm not a fucking plumber and i don't understand plumber jargon but uh i took a shower in my bathroom i've been using my roommate's bathroom but i took my shower yesterday for the first time since fucking February. Oh my gosh. And I cried in my shower. No! I was just so elated. And I was like, is this what feelings are again? I haven't been happy about anything.

I've just been like, whatever. So, Krem, are you single, dating, in a relationship, not doing it, or, yep, those are the options. Those are all of them. I'm in a relationship. I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now. Congratulations. How did you do it? I was actually, I was living up here at the time,

and he was living in LA. So I got booked to do makeup for a shoot for a makeup brand and they flew me down. But I had like the whole full day beforehand. And I was kind of going crazy like at my parents' house. Cause I didn't want to date a local that grew up in my hometown. I was like, I'm pretty sure I know everybody in this hometown. So I deleted all my apps and stuff when I moved back. And then when I got there a day. I was like, I'm pretty sure I know everybody in this hometown. So I deleted all my apps and stuff when I moved back. And then when I got there a day before, I was like, oh, this is my time. I downloaded all my apps and I was like the first person that replies,

I'm going to fuck him. And I talked to a few people and some of them just seemed awful. And then I kind of gave up and like just ordered my room service and took a nap and by the time like I woke up uh my boyfriend had replied to one of the messages and I was like well there's still a lot of time I'm kind of bored like I haven't spoken to anybody that wasn't my parents or my sister in a month so I had him meet me at my hotel for drinks and then surprise is actually a nice person. So that's just a nice it's like it's like a by the books how the apps are supposed to work. Yeah, exactly.

Which has never happened before. It's never happened. Not one time in my life. Truly, I keep meeting people that are trash or they're nice for a little bit. And then they're like, you're not what I'm looking for. And'm like okay well i was settling anyway it's yeah very that did your boyfriend is he a fan of drag did he does he know anything about the drag scene he does now he knew like the very basic stuff i think he had watched like maybe one or two episodes of drag race before he was like cool with it but he's definitely out of all of the the straight men that i've dated like the one that's been the most receptive and open

to it and like is like a huge fan and now he like shoots all my photos um he shoots all of my drag numbers now that we've been in quarantine um yeah he does all that stuff for me oh my god this is everything i've ever dreamed of A man who appreciates makeup and gets what I do and is like, yes, I will do these things for you. All I want is a man to take pictures of me. Before finding your boyfriend, was it weird explaining what you did to straight men? I feel like straight men truly cannot wrap their minds around something sometimes. They really can't. And it's weird because, like, you know, before I met him, there was, like, a few of them that, like, pretended like they got what was going on.

And it was, like, you know, by the time of, like, your end of, like, not being with that person, like, not, like, dating, but, like, hanging out with, you start to, like, unravel, unravel like that they really don't have a sense at all of what you do and I've gotten things from like requests to like have sex and drag and I'm like that's not what this is or like one of them thought that I was like a huge like party like hard like drug kind of person I was like no, I literally like go in and I do my work and I leave like that's not how this works. Wait, how did that person present that to you? Were they like, hey, you perform in clubs. Would you like all this cocaine? He was like kind of towards like the end of it. We were like that was actually like right before I met my boyfriend, like the only person that I dated for a little while. And I thought it was like getting serious and he didn't assume that

but for me I assumed that because I don't really I didn't really allow myself to get close to people um just because of what I do it's like very complicated and he like presented himself as like oh I have a friend who's a drag queen um like in college or whatever so I know like that kind of thing and then like towards the end that was a period of my life where I was like traveling a lot so I had I've always had my full-time job and done drag so at that time I was like pretty much traveling almost every weekend um and then working like my full like 40 hour week so we would see each other like midweek so like his assumption was like that i was going to like all these places and like just doing hard drugs and partying and like drinking myself to

death like that was like he's like that was one of the reasons he brought up for like why he didn't think that it was going anywhere he's like because you're like you know clearly living this like party lifestyle and i'm like i don't I don't know if you have a grasp of what I'm doing. How wild had he ever been to a performance at all? Or he was just he would hear things and just make assumptions. I think he heard things and made assumptions because I would try to invite him. I wasn't like I haven't had a whole lot of experience dating. I think before I started dating him, I like started maybe dating the year before.

That was it. I was like a very late bloomer when i came to that kind of stuff so i think he was like giving me signals of like it's not going to be serious or something because i was like inviting him i was like oh come to this performance it's just downtown and meet my friends and blah blah to him as i was like you know straight men take that as like a huge deal for some reason they're like meeting their friends and i'm like my friends don't give a fuck about you you'll be here one day gone the next but like he always made up excuses so he never like saw that like i literally just show up to the club and like do my performance and then maybe we like cover for a little bit and then i go home and take a shower and go to sleep you're like i have to fucking wake up and go do my full-time job yeah I have to go to work at 8

a.m. I don't know what you think I'm doing uh yeah I when I had like another full-time job and I was doing comedy in New York it was a very tough balancing act because I was not good I would not just go home and go to sleep I would like get annihilated and then wake up the next day and be like oh no I have to like talk to human beings and do work it's a miracle that I kept a job I don't know I was very bad at every job I've ever had except for nannying that was I don't want to say the easiest job but the easiest job because you could be hungover around kids you're just like a little low energy you're like let's do something fun guys well this is more like in recent years when i first started drag and i was in san francisco it was the total opposite because i was still doing my little like coffee shop gig or whatever

so that i could stay out till like 4 a.m and just like drink until i black out and then go serve coffee all day that was fine but when i started doing my corporate gig it's just not not the tea you're like i need to keep this job. This is a good job. And I need to put money away in an IRA and a 401k. Yeah. You said you were a late bloomer. When did you start dating? I had a boyfriend in high school that I don't count. Because like, for me, that was kind of like my, when I was like, in my senior year of high school, I was like, wait, I haven't dated anybody. Maybe I should get a boyfriend. and this will be my high school experience that everybody has like that was kind of like my thing um and broke up with him when I went to college and then just

like didn't want to deal with men at all so I don't think I started dating until I was like 25 or 26 oh okay I was just like not interested I thought it was asexual for a really long time and then I was like no I'm just like not interested in dealing with people I fully feel you on that yeah just truly not being able to deal with people you're like oh my god everyone out here is very bad I don't want this yeah yeah I I'm not a huge fan of labels but I do understand why they exist because it's like when you kind of aren't not I don't want to say not normal but when you kind of like stray from the beaten path it's like well I'd like to have a name for this yeah uh so like I get that but yeah I just uh I'm like whatever sometimes I'm sexual sometimes I'm not lately I've been so sexual it's killing me i'm so horny i'm so single

it's fully depressing i keep falling asleep with vibrators on me which i mean i think i said this last week on my podcast but i just i'm like horny and then i'm like i need to alleviate this and then i'm like well i guess i'm tired like immediately after coming up like i just i'm so frustrated right now oh no yeah and i've been trying to find lady glory holes i don't think that's a thing i cannot find it on the internet i don't know why not that's what i'm saying i'm like ladies want some fun too honestly there's enough men out there that would do it i think i think so too i asked a friend i was like would you meet me at a glory hall and he was like i don't think i could i was like maybe not maybe straight men aren't as adventurous as they say they are i wonder if they have something like that because i used to be

really into like the fetish scene even though i didn't like the actual act of it I was just like very like interested in learning about it and they would have like you know like the sex clubs that were like pretty like famous in San Francisco back in the day like I feel like they would have something like that now oh maybe I gotta go to a sex club I think so I went to I don't know if it was an actual sex club, but it was a club that allowed sexual acts to happen just in public. And I walked in and this man was like blowing this other man. He looked up and he was like, oh, Nicole Byer. And I was like, honestly, that's the only way I ever want to be recognized again. Someone pulls a dick out of their mouth to be like, oh, I know you.

Oh, that definitely sounds like any uh san francisco club that i've been to i've literally go-go danced for sex parties in san francisco but it's like me and my like bubblegum pink aesthetic just like dancing while like people are having sex behind me they would like take their breaks like after they were done like with their with their act and they would come and like take me at 20 and they're like i like your look and i'm like thanks i just saw you get railed i love that i think that's so funny the juxtaposition's like hard sex happening and you're like td of bubblegum pink i'm wearing a giant dress and i'm just dancing real cute yep it's good money they're very good tippers that's i mean i guess after you come you're just like i

want to spread the joy to everybody i'll give you a 20 everybody i love it okay real quick we're gonna take a break and we're back um so you've been on apps and whatnot uh do you have any like not horror stories but like who's the worst person you've been on a date with uh there's been a lot of really bad ones i think one of them i've done this twice to men where like i would like meet up with them and i'm like chatting with them the first five minutes as I'm ordering like a lift under the table like oh you're just not no I think I would say like not one instance but like a specific person and I'd like to apologize to this person if this is you I'm sorry but male teachers like that teach children not like college professors they're like they're very similar they just like won't stop talking the entire time like you can't get a word in all they talk about is their kids

at school like that just is like a huge turnoff to me like why are you talking about like 18 children that i don't know like i just met you why are you talking about 18 children i don't know oh my god that's so funny i my sister is a teacher's aide or a teacher i don't know she does something with kids and sometimes when she's telling me stories about kids i like kind of zone out because i'm like oh i've never cared one time about this child you're talking to me about i don't really like children unless they're like my friend's kid or something. And they're like well behaved. Yeah.

That's so funny. Also. Okay. So you said that five minutes into days, you'll order like a lift and leave. Yeah. How do you how do you do that? Do you just go? I'm sorry.

Goodbye. I'm just like, oh, I think I'm gonna go now. And then like, the funny thing is, like, every time that I've done that, like, they always do the same thing where like, they want to try to go now. And then like, the funny thing is like, every time that I've done that, like they always do the same thing where like, they want to try to kiss you. I'm like, sir, like your kiss is not going to like change my mind.

I'm like, you look sweaty. I don't want to kiss you. This is not cute. But like, the audacity to think that like your magic kiss will stop me from wanting to leave. I feel like that stems from fairy tales kind of because I feel like I don't know if people read little boys fairy tales. I don't know.

I've never I've never interacted with like a little boy that way. I'd be like, do you do you know what fairy tales are? But anyway, I feel like in fairy tales, it's like the kiss from the prince awakes the princess and they live together happily ever after. So men are like, OK, if I kiss her, this will end good for me. No. Yeah, I just I feel like you don't have to really be nice to men at all. That's just like my general stance. I think you said that too. that was one of your goals right to be meaner to men this was so i had gabrie sitabay on the show and she was like uh for my new year's

resolution it was to be meaner to men and then right after i started doing that i got a boyfriend yep so i've been trying to be meaner to men but it's been hard because it's like just on apps and it's like people can't read sarcasm yeah they can't just like read but i've just been lately if i don't get asked out after like two back and forths i just like let it die because i'm like i don't want to be a pen pal we're at the end of the world i'd like to get booed up you know for when the zombies come like i want a partner on my side i don't think i was ever looking for a partner when i was like on an app i was just looking for like a that night sort of thing so i if they weren't willing to meet up like that day i just like didn't care i was like okay bye i'm not gonna continue men are terrible on apps especially having conversations like most straight men they're terrible at talking

period like in real life too but like especially online it's like if you say anything that's not straight to the point like they don't get it they don't understand anything yes and in my ho phase which i guess has come to an end because of the pandemic i would be like okay do you want to meet up today and they're like, oh, wait, really? Is this like really happening? And I'm like, yes. You think I'm lying to you? Like, do you want to do this or not?

Yeah, it's very like that. I also got accused of being a catfish several times. Like they would meet me and they'd be like, oh, you actually look like that. And I'm like, what did you think that I was going to look like? How weird. Yeah, has anyone answered that question? actually look like that and i'm like what what did you think that i was gonna look like how weird yeah i went has anyone answered that question were they like oh i thought this this and that no they're just like oh i just thought you would look not like your pictures and i was like

but i didn't give you any reason to believe that i wouldn't i guess everybody like photoshops and like facetunes and whatnot i don't know. Well, maybe it's because the makeup. Like, your makeup is nice. Oh, yeah, maybe. And they're like, oh, that can't be real. Men don't understand makeup at all. Like, I don't have eyebrows at all. I, like, draw them on.

So, like, most of them, like, don't know until I tell them. And I'm like, there's literally no hair on my face. Yeah, I've had men be very surprised that my hair is fake and i'm like i don't know how you thought this was growing out of my head like how you just i truly don't know have you ever met a woman yeah and then i'm also like a lot of times if it's like a leave out my hair does not match the texture of the weave let's get real you could not have possibly thought this was real yeah it's insane they really don't know anything. They're like little babies.

Little dumb baby birds. Do you think you're good at flirting? I don't think I flirt. Oh. I think I'm very, like, straight to the point. It's like I said, like, I wasn't very, like, I wasn't focused on, like, having a relationship or having, like, an interaction that was going to last beyond like one day with these men. So I like just didn't try.

I'm like, you're into me. That's why you're here. Like, it's not really I am not questioning it. So I'm not even like trying to catch you. You're already here. Like, yeah. So I haven't really tried. I'm trying to be a better flirt.

I was working with my friend and he was flirting with one of the other actors. And I was watching it and I was like, man, this seems like a lot of work. And he's like a friend and we've like gone to bars and stuff. And I'll watch him flirt there, too. And I'm like, you talk to that girl for 30 minutes and i don't and i think you only got a phone number so then you have to like talk to her again and then he hasn't dated somebody in a long time i'm like that's so much fucking work that's too much work for me i'm just like do you want to go back or not yeah i mean that's how i feel but then i don't know i it

hasn't worked in the past. So I'm trying a different approach. But also I'm not doing any approach because we're staying inside. But yeah, I just want like a boyfriend or a partner to like go on like a road trip with. I'm so tired of being in California. Yeah, me too. I want to go somewhere. But I also don't trust any of the states around us either. one of them's just constantly on fire the other one's arizona

yeah i i don't i've been to arizona a couple of times i think i would go it's like a nice little dry heat there's you know get in a pool have a good time i don't know i just i i don't want to be in the u.s i like i want to go overseas but like the places that will have us are like they're not the best places to go yeah i wish i could go on vacation me fucking too i've been trying to go to new orleans for years and like it always falls through and i'm like this year I was like this is going to be the year. And then pandemic. I feel like a lot of people are like 2020 is the year. And that being said, I think, you know, some good things have happened for people and a lot of bad shit has happened.

But I hear when people are like the whole year has been terrible. I'm like, I don't think though. You have to count some of the things as good. Yeah. I kind of don't think it should count, though. Yeah. I don't want to age a year. I don't want though you have to count some of the things as good yeah i kind of don't think it should count though yeah i don't want to age a year i want to age and it's my birthday tomorrow and i want to turn the same age because this year just it didn't get anything done do it happy almost birthday thank you yeah turn whatever age you want i truly have to like do the math to figure out how old i am because i'm always like i'm 47 i'm 62 i'm 93 because i don't give a fuck anymore yeah i after like 31 i was like why do we have to say how old we are out loud anymore can i just say i exist i'm an ethereal

being who's just living honey i'm already depressed because I'm too old to be a Disney teen sensation. So that was like my goal as a teenager. And I'm like, I'm almost 30. It's too late. Just lie about your age. Okay. If you were a Disney teen sensation with like your own show on the Disney channel, what would it be? I think I would like copy like Demi Lovato's career.

Because remember when she was on, she was like the sassy one that like listened to like metal and rock and roll and she was like the alternative one that would be me I think if I was a Disney phenomenon I think I would want my character to be like I think I would do like like I wonder if Sabrina the Teenage Witch is Disney I don't think so I don't think I would be like some sort of cute little witch. Oh, that would be cute. I'd love that show. Right? Just, like, cute little black wench.

That's what I'm missing from the new one. When they're, like, it's just, like, a sitcom with, like, an animatronic cat versus, like, the new one that's, like, serious and scary. Yeah, I haven't seen it yet. I hear it's, like, pretty good. But I was, like, oh, boy. I love Melissa Joan Hart. And I hear it's like pretty good, but I was like, Oh boy, I love Melissa Joan Hart and I love Salem, that animatronic cat. And then those kooky ants.

I was like, I don't know. Just leave it alone. Yeah. I want that to come back. And they had that one iconic episode with RuPaul. Do you remember that? Of course I do.

I love when Ru just like randomly appears in things and just is Rue. And it's like, oh boy, this is delightful. I think one of the first times I saw him too is, did you ever watch But I'm a Cheerleader? Yes. I watched that when I was like in middle school because I thought it was like a teen like cheerleader movie. And then it was just like me watching it in my bedroom like 12 years old being like this isn't what i think it is yeah it's um i also saw it as a teen and i thought it was like a teen movie i would say it's like teen teen 20s yeah like uh depending on your like uh

20s yeah like uh depending on your like uh maturity level yeah it's the sexual awakening movie it definitely is and i guess it was like yeah i guess it was like my first introduction to like lesbians on film yeah and i was like oh okay oh great cool that's the thing i know now exactly what's your first relationship that you count? This one, probably. Oh, okay. We lived together. So we moved in together, like, very quickly. I think it wasn't even, like, six months that we were dating that I was, like, I had to look for a new place.

And then I was, like, I kind of want to ask him if he wants to, like, live together. But I was, like, very nervous. So I, like, waited and, like, made, like, an entire, like an entire like we had like a date and it was like really nice evening and we were like laying in bed and I was like so I have to look for a new place um and then he's like uh do you want to live together and I was like yes I yes I do oh and he had been thinking about it for a while also it just progressed very quickly our relationship so um yeah i feel like when you meet the person that you're supposed to be with for you know a good amount of time it does happen rather quickly yeah everybody i know who's in a serious relationship or married or whatever it's happened like super super quick and you're like whoa this what yeah so you moved in after like six months

together and then was quarantine hard or easy it was easy it was like super easy we're like very chill people like we got all we get along very very well we like rarely ever argue maybe like once but like it wasn't even like a big deal so we get along very well we moved in and we like set up our apartment and everything literally we finished like painting and doing all that like right before the pandemic hit so we were like lucky that we got all of it done and then we just moved again a few weeks ago because a pipe burst in the apartment upstairs and flooded our apartment and like mold the whole thing yeah it was really gross but we got a much better apartment now so when shit like that happens did they like give you money to be like sorry we ruined your stuff we're about to ask for it they

gave us like our full deposit back without us having to like repaint and do all of that because we were like we didn't want to move like it was like somebody's like dishwasher upstairs like was it installed correctly and like all the water flooded but we had told them a month ago and he was like i'll check it the building manager and then he just like didn't and then a month later like there was just water streaming down the walls of our apartment and we're like that's fucking awful that happened in my one of my last apartments in new york my second to last apartment we were like i think water is dripping in the kitchen and then we kept asking someone to look at it and then finally the fucking ceiling fell in and then there was all of this like black water and we were like that can't be fucking. And then like literal mushrooms grew out of the ceiling in the bathroom.

And we were like, so this nobody should live here. This is full of fucking mold. Yeah. And then the building manager was honestly really kind about it. They were like, yeah, this is bad. We understand you can live in our other like here's another building that we have. Go look at it. See if you like it.

If not, we'll refund you, you know, X amount of money. But I think they were just like, we need to keep that we have go look at it see if you like it if not we'll refund you you know x amount of money but i think they were just like we need to keep that money go look at it and they knew yeah it was a really nice apartment just further uptown that's good that yeah my boyfriend's dad is a real estate attorney so he's been like giving us all the tea on like what we should ask for and like how we should approach everything so oh that's so fucking nice i love when you meet somebody and you're like oh you'll help me out later what a nice trade the pandemic has been stressful but then also like i've had a nice time being like okay i'm not gonna answer any emails today and that's just what it is oh that's nice just taking some time for myself on your vibrating bed um yep my just like falling asleep with vibrators i have so many vibrators i keep buying them because i'm just online and i'm like oh

what if i order one more thing to come to my fucking house. Oh my God. You know what? I've actually never bought one. You've never bought a vibrator? No. Should I? I mean, I personally like them. I have, you know, the old school Hitachi magic wand that I think is nice, but maybe not great for a first one

because it is kind of intense. Tracy's Dog is this company that I like where they have, like, it's a clit sucker and then another part that goes inside you and hits your g-spot and then there's like a little g-spot vibrator I wish I got that from babeland I can't remember the model of that one I have so many I bought this like pillow because okay I've always been like afraid to ride people because I was like I don't know what you do up there. I just don't know. And there's like a, I did it once

and whatever. So I bought this like pillow where you stick a dick in it and then I was like, ooh, I'll practice that way. So, you know, when the time comes for me to actually get to fuck again, I'm going to be very good at it and I can't wait. Oh my god. I love how you're

prepping for it. I literally just sit up there and I'm like wait. Oh my god I love how you're prepping for it I literally just sit up there and I'm like now you go. Go ahead. Now you go your turn. Your turn. I okay help me come up with um openers for Bumble. So I'm but were you ever on Bumble? Yeah. Okay. So for a hot minute, I was messaging people and asking very silly questions. I was like, one of the questions was like, if a penguin was in your room before you went to sleep, what would you do? And I got the most boring answers from people. So what do you think a good opener is? Oh my gosh, you're so nice. No, this is called desperation, where I have a podcast where I'm like,

hi, excuse me, will you please help me craft something to send to a man? Oh my God, I was super uncreative. I was literally just like, if you're not planning on meeting today, don't bother. super uncreative. I was literally just like, if you're not planning on meeting today, don't bother. I don't think I can send that during a pandemic.

Maybe ask them about their mask. Oh, okay. So like what go, what is your go-to design for a mask? Yeah. I feel like you could tell a lot about a person. If they just say black,

they're boring. Just like a straight, just like gray, whatever. But if they have have like a design maybe they're a little funky i think that's good i think that's very because also it's like if they answer i don't wear a mask i go okay then we'll never meet but then if they're like oh you know i really like tacos so i got a mask with tacos on it i'll be like oh that's. That's thoughtful. I do like a taco. That's a good one. Okay, give me one more. Maybe ask them what happened if they were outside and they saw, like, an escaped zoo animal.

Like, there's a rare macaw outside of your bedroom window. What do you do? This is good. This is very good. I like this. a rare macaw outside your window because if they don't do anything that's a bad person he shouldn't be outside if i saw a rare macaw i'm pretty sure i would try to get it inside so i could figure out where i should bring him yeah like come in here i don't know what they eat but maybe offer a banana

yeah i i offer animals like lettuce like there is a lizard in my backyard and i was leaving out lettuce i don't know if he was eating it or like a squirrel but yeah i i was trying to lure him inside and then i posted a picture of him someone was like no they're bad they bite and they're like not good inside pets and i was like okay this is good this is good that i posted a picture of randall i won't bring him inside i like that you named him randall oh that's my backyard lizard that's my backyard lizard randall and then there's a little one another little one well randall got very big and i haven't seen him in a while i think he maybe has moved houses i don't know but now there's a little one, and I think I'm going to name her Susie,

even though I don't know if it's a her. I've gendered her, and I think her name is Susie. I like Susie. Right, Susie the lizard. I think it's cute. It's adorable. There's so many lizards in LA. It kind of freaks me out.

So many. It's very strange. I didn't realize that until, I guess I spent more time outside. Because, you know, you take your little quarantine walk where you think about the crisis that is the world and then you see so many fucking lizards oh my god I try to go on walks and I like can't

at least not with my boyfriend because he gets so angry if you see somebody not wearing a mask like his face turns into like just this snarled anger and he's like walking really fast and I'm like where are you going and then he gets inside and he's like i can't be out there with those people he's like very very careful so if he sees one person without a mask and we're trying to take a walk he's like we're going home we're going home right now the whole day's ruined i'm like

i mean yeah it's just hard for people who like rules and like following the rules because there's so many rule breakers. And I'm like, you think you can go outside and just breathe on everybody? Like people just like come right towards you, don't even try to walk around. They really don't. It's so wild. I make a show out of walking around someone. I'm like, I'm going to go right into the street and then I'll be back on the sidewalk.

Oh, I have another question for you. This has nothing to do with anything we've been talking about, but I was just thinking of opening lines. And this dumb question I asked my friend, and I wonder if you have the same answer as her. Okay, so say you're driving with like your boyfriend or your best friend. They're driving, you're in the passenger seat, and they choke on something as they're driving.

What do you do? Oh, how bad is the choking? Can he pull over or does he not have the ability to they can't pull over and you're on the freeway oh my god that's so scary punch him in the stomach and see if it comes out like if i try to turn the wheel to pull over i don't even know how that would work because i put my leg on the brake i asked my friend that and she was like what would you do and i was like i was with my friend marcy and i was like i think i would

unbuckle your seat belt and push you out of the car climb in the driver's seat pull over and then try to see if you're okay and she screamed she was like why would you do that i would throw the car in neutral and try to glide it to the side of the road. And I was like, oh, yeah, I guess that is the correct answer. Like what if you were on the 405? Honestly, punching them in the stomach is such a funny gut reaction. Like, uh, punch, punch them in the stomach. Like maybe it'll projectile it out of the throat. Like slap the esophagus

i think that's i think that's a perfect answer you know that's very likely because i don't i haven't driven at all since the pandemic i'm afraid to at this point but my boyfriend kind of drive he just like takes the wheel and i'm like i don't want to drive he's been in la longer than i have so he knows where everything is and I get to be on my phone the whole time so there you go I love that I like driving I just got a jeep so it's fun to drive around with the top off uh I had my roommate in the back seat and my friend in the front and I didn't realize what the top it was like halfway off but most of the roof is open. I like looked in the rear view mirror

and he was getting truly murdered by the wind. Like his face was moving in a way that I've never seen it. He was trying to fix his hair and I couldn't stop laughing. I was like, I am so sorry. Next time I'll put it up when we hit the freeway. But have you seen that video of that girl? She's like hanging out the side of one of the cars and like the wind is like flapping her eyelashes off.

She's like literally wearing the 25 millimeters and they're like, yeah. Yeah. There's one a lady on a roller coaster where it's doing the same thing and it makes me laugh so hard because I'm like, that's me. I wear giant lashes and a gust of wind. I'm like, oh, God, I can't fucking see. I mean, honestly, that's like the best advertisement for that eyelash glue. Yeah, it's like it's going to stick on no matter fucking what. What glue do you use? I kind of buy whatever.

Right now I'm using like the Kiss Aloe glue because i have a psoriasis on my eyeballs which sucks or my eyelids oh okay yeah because i was like i thought it was a skin thing you're like on my eyeballs i was like oh dear i always say eyeballs when i mean like lids which is very confusing but this one's like more sensitive and then i have another one that's like more hardcore but it will tear like my skin off because it's all flaky what's that one called i don't know i don't have that one up here i buy it randomly on amazon but it's very strong that i would wear to disneyland i'm a loyalist to this brand called calish calish or calash i don't know i got it from this place called um namies which is like a beauty supply store in the Valley in North Hollywood.

And I don't know why I bought it, but I was like, this one. I like the packaging. And then it's like latex free and it truly works so well. I fucking love it. I've been using it for years. All the ones that you can do the little brush thingy. Those are all the best ones. That's my favorite.

Yeah. It's got a little brush guy. I love you. Just dab it on. Yeah. I only use the latex ones if i'm like gluing stuff on my face i don't think i've ever glued anything no i've glued some rhinestones to my face yeah did i ask you where the inspiration comes from for your looks honestly i don't know um it's just like i have like a weird like log of like just imagery in my brain that just, like, randomly lives there. That's, like, always been. But I'll always just have, like, these, like, weird images of, like, something that I've either seen on TV or either seen in real life. Like, if I go to a thrift store and I see, like, a bouquet, like, a dried flower bouquet, and I'm like, ooh, that's a nice color.

I'm going to make my entire body that color. It's just kind of, like, yeah, a nice color. I'm going to make my entire body that color. It's just kind of like, yeah, just from there. I like that. I feel like I have one inspiration. No, I guess I have two. So like real slutty people, like, okay, so my favorite people to look at on Instagram are self-proclaimed bimbos who've got like,

they're like titties done, their lips done, like so much fucking makeup, like feminine i love that love it so much and i like pull a little bit from that and then i also pull from like baby dolls like a bratz doll like the big eyes and the lashes and stuff like i feel like that's that's like not my full-blown aesthetic but like what i pull from i love a bimbo look i did a bimbo tutorial on my youtube where it's just like titties pushed up and like big pink glossy lips and just big blonde hair i love that aesthetic i love serving things that i don't represent in real life because i like we're all black i have dark hair um I'm not very like cutesy or like wear like pinks and stuff.

But like my drag wardrobe is like a complete opposite of like who I am. So it like gives me around like a time to play with like color and adorable, cute aesthetics and stuff. Yeah, I like that. I've been wearing my hair in pigtails a lot or like little space buns or whatever because I'm like, like it's cutesy and i like that and then like overalls and a backpack and i'm like is this like chucky cosplay like what am i doing but then it makes me happy and i'm like there you go that's all i'm doing just making myself fucking happy i love that you have snacks in your backpack i bought a bunch of welch's uh fruit snacks So, yes. Oh my god, that's so cute! That's exactly what I pictured.

Sometimes I'll just, like, if I work, they usually have them on set, so I'll just, like, throw them in my backpack, and then late at night I'll, like, smoke weed and then be like, ooh, I have snacks, and I'm gonna eat them right now. I love that. It makes me very happy. Well, Crem, we've come

to the end. I ask mostly all my guests this. Sometimes I miss it, but you know, whatever. Would you date me? Absolutely. Thank you so much. If you could meet me tonight. Yes, give me

the location. I'll meet you tonight. Do you have anything you want to promote? I would say take a look at my youtube channel i just started youtube a few months ago to do all the tutorials because people have been asking me for years so just starting to get my footing but take a look if you want to be a drag queen for halloween or for christmas whatever every holiday is a good time anytime is a good time to be a clown. I love that. If you want to be a drag queen for Halloween or Christmas,

you know, just watch the tutorials. I love that so much. Okay, well, that is the end of Why Won't You Date Me? If you like this episode, you can subscribe. Subscribe? Yes, subscribe.

You can rate it five stars. If you send me something nasty hitting on me, I will read it out loud. This nice person said, a post for your podcast. My coworker Rodney, CPIC, oh, I didn't screenshot the picture. Oh, well, is always munching. He especially likes to munch on warm chocolate chip cookies straight out of the oven. He would like to cook up some cookie dough in your hot cooch

and have you sit on his face and you call him your coochie monster. Well, I've got to say, that took a turn I did not see coming. Also, I would hate to think that my pussy was so hot it could cook a cookie that's too hot okay bye This has been a Team Coco production.