Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Set Up (w/ Aimee Carrero)

Episode Date: November 4, 2022

Actress Aimee Carrero (She-Ra, Elena of Avalor) joins Nicole to discuss hookup hygiene standards, marrying the man she was set up with, and running into her ex on his honeymoon. Also, Nicole snatches a baby. We're nominated for a People's Choice Award! Cast your vote for Why Won't You Date Me everyday until Nov 7th. Vote at bit.ly/PCAVOTE2022. Black Lives Matter.  Click here for an updated list of over 100 different things you can do to support racial justice.   Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why? Oh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't date me a podcast where me Nicole Byer tries to figure out how on earth I am still single even though you could ejaculate into a thumb a thumb thing a thimble and let it harden and tell me it's a veneer. I would still date you. My guest today is an actress and legendary voice actor. Not only does she voice Elena, the Disney princess, but she's also the voice of the princess of power, She-Ra.

On November 18th, you can see her new movie, The Menu, and it's screening only in theaters, and it looks like a very, very fucking fun theater movie. It's Amy Carrero! Hello! Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. Thank you so much for doing this. I'm just so excited to be here. I've been on a Nicole Byer binge for the last 48 hours, so I've listened to so many podcasts. I've watched your special. What did you read? Let me just tell you that hanger joke. I had to pause

the screen, collect myself, and then keep going. It was just so good. You're so funny. You always have. Thank you. Amy, thank you. You did Young and hungry for four years so the show was on for four years yeah and i got to do an episode and i think it was my

first um multi-cam in front of an audience no and yeah and it was wild like the way you guys work is truly insane i mean it's not harder than stand up. I've never done stand up, but it just stand up seems so much harder than a multicam to me. Yes and no. I mean, it was just like really interesting to watch how you like tweak a joke in front of an audience. And I don't know, like it was just like watching. It was really fun and it was impressive. Well, I like to impress people.

No, you know, it's like a muscle like anything else. And it's weird because have you been on a multicam since then? Because I feel like they're kind of dying out. Have I? That can't be it. Oh, I did a pilot that didn't go. That was a multicam. That's fun.

That's an L.A. story if I've ever heard one. Yeah, but they're just kind of, it just kind of feels like gaining an old-timey skill, like juggling batons. I don't know. Like it just feels like, when would this come up, this skill? But you got it.

I do. Yeah. Amy, I have a question. You are engaged or are you married? I'm married. When did you get married? Six years ago. Which I think is maybe when we worked together.

Maybe I was engaged then. I don't know. Maybe. Time has flown. Oh, it sure has. So how did you meet? We were set up. I did a movie with his friend.

And you, are you, did you ever work with second city or new york new york you were used right well his friend rob belushi who is of the belushi family is a wonderful guy he's very also very funny best friends with my husband tim i worked with him on a cinematic triumph of a movie called the devil's Due. And we were in New Orleans. And we just kind of like hit it off. And he was like, man, I really think like you would, you should date my friend. And I was kind of like in a terrible, weird relationship at the time. It wasn't terrible, but it was like some dude I dated when I lived in Miami. And I was like, let's try this again. And I was like, let's try this again.

And I was like, I have a boyfriend. And so I said no. And then like a few years later, maybe two years later, I saw like Rob had like booked something on deadline. And I was like, hey, man, congrats on this booking. You know, like we do in this business. We really do. We love a deadline article. We love deadline.

We love to say, ooh, congrats, you got something. It's always the shitty screen grab, too, which gets me. Because I do it, too. I fucking post it right away. I'm like, I got a deadline. Post it immediately. Are you kidding? When it's variety, I'm like, ugh.

If it's Hollywood Reporter, I'm like, ugh. It's never been Vanity Fair for me, but if it ever was, I'd be like, everyone. I do two posts. Such an insider conversation. I know. But just so you know, actors love a deadline. If you see a deadline article of your favorite actor, just know that they were waiting for the perfect moment to post it. Honey, we were waiting for the East Coast to be awake the west coast to be awake it was

everybody they want all eyes um and then like some dude from nebraska was like i thought they were gonna make this movie two years ago you know like comments but so rob so i said hey congrats on this he was like are you single do you want to meet my friend tim and i was like jesus who's this guy who can't get a date but i want to talk insider inside baseball so i had just left a call back and i felt it was one of those callbacks where they're like wait amy uh you know like they chase you out of the room kind of i didn't get it but like you think you have it like when they're chasing you out they're like okay you can just come back one more time and so he'd called me left a message i was like fuck it i'll just call this guy back so we so we just we chatted

on the phone and we hit it off instantly and then we um went out for a drink at the line hotel and it was just supposed to be a drink and it ended up like a dinner too and it was really nice and you know I never really had any I'm not like a huge dater like I didn't go on a lot of dates. I was really happy being single. And I grew up like religious. So like there was a little bit weird like thing about sexuality. Sure. That I went, you know, had a lot of therapy with. So by the time I met Tim, I was like in a much better place and ready to kind of date. So I was like, just wait till they see me. And then I meet the guy I'm going to marry, like right when I'm like entering my slut era,

you know, like it just didn't happen for me. The Lord was like, thou shall not slut it up. No, no. Which is so, yeah.

Okay. Well, we can go back to that. But anyway, so that's, that's how we met. And, and it was,

it was good. But, you know, I think a lot of it is just luck. You know, I just got really lucky. Being at the right place at the right time. But I do know, I think a lot of it is just luck. You know, I just got really lucky. Being at the right place at the right time. But I do love that your friend Rob was like, two years later, was like, hey.

Yeah. Hey, we haven't talked in a while. But like, are you single? My friend is still looking. Yeah, yeah. And he and then it turned out it was so funny because like when we met for a drink, Tim was like, you know, we've met. And I was like, no.

And he was like, we met a year ago today. And and i was like ready to pack my bags because that's the stalker something a stalker would say uh-huh um but it turned out we were getting our headshots taken at the same place and i'd shown up you know early to my appointment like to hang out my clothes you know like which color is going to look better with what pattern in the backdrop and he was getting his photos taken and it was like a husband and wife duo. And the wife was like, what's your sign? Oh, you guys would be a great match. And, you know, she gave him my number, but he never called me. And then when he started telling the story, I was like, oh yeah, you're the motherfucker who never called me. So we'd actually like, you know, we met before we were

supposed to go on a date and he never called. How wild. That shit's like, what's it called? Kismet? Kismet, yes. Yeah. I don't know. Like, that's like truly just what a dream.

That's like meant to be type shit. That's like rom-commy. Oh, I'm jealous. Where's my rom-com? It's coming. You know, I think so. Because it's like the minute you stop kind of paying attention to it, it's like this business. I'm like, I'm going to book a trip.

And then it's like, just kidding. You know, I booked a job or whatever. So it's like the minute you take your eyes off the ball, then the universe is like, ready. I guess I just have to stop looking at that ball. What's your sign? What's your astrological sign? And do you care? I'm a Virgo.

Oh. I mean, I don't really like follow it super, super closely or whatever. I know that Virgos are like orderly and like particular. Yes. And I am pretty orderly in particular, but also very messy. But like my mess, I understand. Yes. Yes. It's am pretty orderly in particular, but also very messy. But like my mess, I understand. Yes. Yes.

It's a complicated genius. Also, every Virgo I've ever known has been like very good in bed. Oh, well, no one's ever complained. But honestly, I would love for someone to complain and be like, hey. What you did last night. I didn't like it. Any feedback is welcome. I mean, at some point, it's like, what you did last night it wasn't yeah i didn't like it any feedback is welcome i mean at some point it's like are you guys all loving this or what like no notes no thank you so much but honestly i don't know how you could be bad in bed i think well oh i don't

know i think you could be like like i think you know people that watch maybe like dudes who maybe like watch a lot of porn and don't like know if you're like a straight dude or something you watch a lot of straight porn and like women never come in straight porn um maybe that would make you a bad lover like like you don't really know that you're supposed you know what i mean i don't know like i guess or or or, or maybe like, Oh, this is how women acted in bed. Or I don't know. Like, I don't know. I, I guess all the sex I've had hasn't been like mind blowing, but when it's not good, I just tell people like, do this, please do that. Sure. Well, you're also like a mature person. I also like to come. So it's like, if you're not doing it,

we gotta figure out something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've also, one of the few trophies I have is like, I've never faked it. Oh. If it's not happening,

it's not happening. I don't think I've ever faked it either, maybe once or twice. I honestly don't know. Yeah. Just because I feel like, well, I mean,

if you care about the person or like you are interested in any kind of intimacy with them it's a lot like it's just like not it's not a good precedent to set because then they think they did a good job and it's like and then yeah it's like rewarding bad behavior yeah rewarding. Well, something that's interesting that I've learned in my old age is I don't have to actually come to enjoy sex. I can just have sex, not come, and then be like, that was a nice time. And then either masturbate later or just like go about my day. Yeah. And I always thought I was like, well, we both have to finish.

Otherwise, it's not good and it's a failure. But then I just learned that sometimes it's nice to be intimate with someone. And then that's it. Yeah, it's so true. And, you know, not sometimes you're not in like the right headspace to do orgasm. And that's a big thing. I think, you know, for me, I don't want to generalize and say like any, you know, woman identifying person.

It's like a big like mind thing. But if I'm if I'm like worried about like something, it's probably I got to work really hard to kind of clear my mind otherwise. But you're right. It's sometimes it's enough to be intimate. And but I always wonder, like, I just saw. Did you see the movie Blonde? No. What's Blonde?

wonder like i just saw did you see the movie blonde no what's blonde it's it's the uh marilyn monroe like fictionalized biopic and whatever but there's this one scene where she's with jfk and you know she like goes to his hotel room and it's really a really interesting like kind of narrative this one little scene where she like shows up and she's come from la and she's ready to like see the president or whatever and and he's in bed and he's wearing a back brace which is like a weird detail um but then she looks over and then she sees like a bunch of glasses that have been like clearly drank drunk from i don't know how to say and it has like lipstick on it so like it's like showing that there have been other women there with him at some point in the day. And I just thought to myself, like, and then he's, like, talking to, like, the FBI on, like, legit business.

And he, like, you know, kind of, it's hard to watch, but he sort of, like, makes her, like, you know, suck his dick or whatever. And I just thought to myself, like, how many times a day do you have to cum? Yeah. That is wild. And then also wild mean you have to be mean in order to come oh yeah yeah yeah yeah oh that's really that's a very strange thing i know i've been very lucky in that regard i haven't had any like mean guys i haven't had anyone like super super mean but i was like hooking up with this guy pretty regularly and i found an earring that wasn't mine in the bed and i was like well you know not in the nice yes and i was like i think i'm more upset that you don't change your sheets in between people that's right yeah i was

like we're not exclusive it's fine but i'm like yeah yeah yeah you can't you know fluff fluff it a little make sure there's nothing stuck in there. It's just rude. It's rude and it's unclean. You know, there's a standard of hygiene that we should expect from people that we're, like, having sex with. And I think that's the bare minimum. Change the sheets. Change the sheets. Also, if I see one more filthy fucking bathroom, I will lose my mind.

No, that's my, that's, I can't do it. bathroom, I will lose my mind. No, that's my, that's a can't do it. You know, when I go to like people's homes that are just not even, you know, like even in the past, like people that I'm hooking up with or friends or whatever. And I, I just like preemptively, you know, when you get up at night and you have to pee and you're kind of like not wanting to open your eyes because you don't want, you want to be able to go back to sleep. I just do that naturally because bathrooms gross me out. If it's not spotless, I don't want you want to be able to go back to sleep i just do that naturally because bathrooms gross me out if it's not spotless i don't want to see it so i literally

like go into people's bathrooms like just like just like making out where the toilet is just because there is nothing you know and when i used to work at a restaurant they used to say like you know or the management would be like the bathrooms have to be spotless because you know that's the barometer of cleanliness if your bathroom is not clean then you probably know that the kitchen is not clean yes and i've been in many a dirty restaurant bathrooms especially in new york yeah wait do you live in new york and do you live in la i live in la did you get married in LA? We got married. This is going to sound pretentious. And it was.

Who cares? Whatever. We got married in Aspen. It does sound pretentious. And I've never been to Aspen. That's really funny. Well, here's the story. There is no story. I saw, we didn't know where to get married.

He's from, my husband's from Iowa. I'm from Florida. Okay. And our friends live in Los Angeles and New York. And we're like, well, what's kind of like in the middle? And so we just picked Aspen, but it was really beautiful. And like, and then there were like these mountain folk that live up there and they tried to crash our wedding, which was a treat. So yeah, it's, it's, you know, I always tell people like marriage can mean

everything or absolutely nothing. It just depends on what you want for yourself, you know? Interesting. Yeah. And what is marriage for you? Like, what kind of relationship do you have? Do you like check in with one another or are you like two independent people? I think it's a little mix of both. Like when I first started dating him, we went on a trip like a month into dating, which is like I don't recommend, but it worked out.

Very ballsy. Ballsy. But I was like, we were having dinner like before we left and i was just like kind of squirmy and i'm like listen i just got to tell you i need a lot of alone time and he was like me too and so we had that in common and i think that that's been a really good thing because we're able to kind of you know go to one side of the house he goes to one side of the house which is kind of one of the ways we survived like the pandemic, you know, so many couples broke up, but we had like a good sort of foundation of leaving each other the fuck alone. And then spending time together when it you know,

when you want to and when it feels right. And, but just checking in and, you know, having the tools that you learn in therapy, which is like, so boring, but like just saying things like, you know, like when I was when I was like dating people before I went got to therapy, I'd be like, I'm so fucking mad. And I, you know, like slam the door. And now I can be like, I'm so fucking mad. I love you. And I want to slam the fucking door. But instead, I'm just going to go to the other side of the house. And that's that's good for us. Like we speak that language. So it feels very much like we're two people doing life together. Like we're, we're sort of jogging at the same pace and it's nice to have that, you know, I don't know how other people's marriages are. Um, but it's not something

I ever even wished for myself or wanted just because I thought like, Oh, someone I have to like talk to every day. I was also the worst roommate. I'd never had a successful live-in roommate situation. So when I moved in with Tim, I was like, good luck. Yeah. Why? Is it because you like things a particular way? Or are you the messy one? I'm messy.

I have ADHD. And I have mood swings. Same. And sometimes I don't want to talk to people all the time. I didn't realize that ADHD. So it took a while. So I figured out I had ADHD and then it took a long time to realize that I have mood swings and bad impulse control as a result of that. So sometimes I'd be like, well, I just want to like scream at you.

And it's like, oh, yeah, if I just take a second. I know. But you got to get the dopamine hit. And that's what's – I'm like, if I scream at you, I'll get this dopamine hit. But I had so many roommates and I moved so much in LA. And sometimes it's like it would just piss me off the sound of the person like closing the door to the bathroom in the morning. I'd be like, I can't live here. So, yeah,

it was just kind of strange, but it's somehow it worked out, you know, when I don't want to talk, I don't want to talk. That sounds nice. It sounds like you've expressed boundaries and they've been upheld. Yes. And same with him. I think, you know, I hope we also, you know, no marriage is perfect. We definitely have our struggles. But it's always the same thing. It's like very rarely do people fight about more than two things in an entire relationship. It always boils down to like, you didn't, you know, or you didn't defend me. You know, or like, it's just like you find the core wound that you have. And then pretty much you can distill all of the fights and arguments into that thing.

But yeah, I've been really lucky. We're really good together and we're really good apart. And he hasn't gotten sick of me. I haven't gotten sick of him. So that's a really – that's lucky, man. That does sound nice. I would like to find someone that I don't get sick of. Wait, how did – did you propose to him or did he propose to you?

He proposed to me, but I had these three criteria, which makes me sound so type A. And I am in a lot of ways, but the criteria were A, I had just moved in by myself. I had this shitty apartment, but I made it look amazing. And I really wanted to run out my lease there. Like I did not want to move in. So I was like, well, we have to wait a

year before getting engaged. And that was because my year, my lease was a year and like, I didn't want to move. And it was important to me that he met my parents because there was something weird. Like I remember growing, you know, my family's Latin, like there was just no way, like we'd watch movies and in the movie, you know, the rom-coms and like the in-laws were meeting at the wedding or something, you know, and we're like, that's what white people do. We don't do that. You know, like that's crazy. So I was like, you have to meet my parents before you propose. And I forget what the third thing was. Maybe there wasn't a third thing, but he pretty early on, he's seven years older than me. So pretty early on, he was like, do you like have any kind of preferences on like jewelry, like what you like for a ring? And I was like, do you like have any kind of preferences on like jewelry,

like what you like for a ring? And I was like, what? No, I had no idea. I didn't know anything about rings or anything. So I knew pretty early. And I also knew that I wanted to be with him forever. But marriage wasn't like important to me. And then, you know, we got married and it was great. And people treat you a little differently like your parents give you like a little more respect really yeah it's weird like oh they're married now i don't know it's really bizarre and it's all like it's all nonsense you know because it's like you can be so committed to someone and not have a piece of paper that says you're married you know i guess people treat you differently because they're like she did it she found someone yeah it's like uh i feel like people think marriage is this like

achievement like in a fucking video game where you're like oh i unlocked another level it's like another level is unlocked when you get married 100 yeah and i have that with my career you know so like i roll my eyes like friends are like only I got married, my whole life would be better. And I'm like, uh-huh. But then I think like, if only I got this movie. And then you get it and you're like, wait. I still have to do things. It's not magically – my life is not magically better. can't so for a while i'm like i don't get i don't get people that obsess with marriage and now i'm like no i get it because i'm the same with certain markers in my career you know what i mean like i i feel the same way about certain things so um but yeah it's not it definitely it's like it reveals who you are it doesn't change who you are oh interesting boy oh boy i really like that it reveals who you are oh i, I already fucking forgot it. No, you got it. Do you have any interest in marriage or do you want to just find like a life partner?

I just want to find a life partner. And if they want to get married, I'm more than happy to be like, sure. I just don't think that I need a piece of paper, but I do think a wedding dress would be fun, and I do think a party would be fun. Yeah. So I'm pretty indifferent when it comes to marriage. I know I don't want kids. I've not wanted them for a very long time.

But then the older I get, the more I'm like, I just want to hold a baby. But after I hold a baby, I'm like, good. yeah just give it back sure i give it right back and i say thank you so much for your service i tried to take a baby i don't know if i've talked about this did i talk about trying to take a baby in simi valley no no i don't think so wait wait you tried a baby snatch i tried i tried my hardest. Okay. We were shooting in Simi Valley, and I was in the first scene of the day

and the last scene of the day, so I had just five hours to kill. So I went to this, like, shitty little restaurant and went to the bathroom, came out of the bathroom, and there was just a baby standing there, and I was like, who's baby? Like a toddler? Just like, yes.

Just, like, kind of wobbling around, and I screamed, oh, who's baby? toddler? Just like, yes, just like kind of wobbling around. And I screamed, oh, who's baby? And then this woman was washing her hands and she was like, oh, it's my baby. And I was like, oh, OK. And then I was like, do you want me to like pick your baby up or anything? Which is insane. And she was like, no, I'm OK. And I was like, OK, that's kind of what I thought.

And then I started washing my hands and she goes, are you Nicole Byer? And I was like, yes. And now that you And I was like, okay, that's kind of what I thought. And then I started washing my hands. And then she goes, are you Nicole Byer? And I was like, yes. And now that you know who I am, can I hold your baby? Can I have a baby? I was skipping a beat. I demanded to hold that woman's baby. And she said, you could try.

And then I picked that baby up and that baby started screaming. Yeah, I know. And that baby didn't want to come anywhere with me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It wouldn't have come willingly. You would have had to really do a bad kidnapping. And that baby didn't want to come anywhere with me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It wouldn't have come willingly. You would have had to really do a bad kidnapping. Yeah, that's interesting because I'm starting to feel that too.

Like I'm like, oh, cute. You know, whatever. But then I was at the airport the other day and some, I mean, this kid must have been like five. You know, like when they get to, I actually don't know what age they get to when they're like, they're still so little that they're really honest. But they're not like small enough that you're like, you're two. Like they could still make sentences. And so clearly the mother was just trying to take a shit in the bathroom. Like she was just trying to poop, you know. And the baby was like, are you done yet?

Mom, are you pooping? And I just thought, oh, my God. This is just the ultimate exercise in embarrassment. Like having kids just feels like it feels like like an invitation to have your life a little bit ruined. Mm hmm. You know, like not even a little, a lot of it ruined. Like, yeah, they are just a drain on you. I was a nanny for a long time. So it's like, oh, shit. oh shit you just have to like play with them

all the time I just went and hung out with my friend and their two kids because they have a two-month-old that I was like let me hold the baby because again I need my baby fix and then yeah I was like oh my god parenting is like an all-day everyday thing at one point their daughter was like I'd like to go for a walk she speaks very well i think she's three and they're like oh well after nicole leaves and she was like i like to go for a walk now and they were like well all right and i was like yeah you kind of like i mean she wasn't demanding anything unreasonable she'd been in the household she wanted to go for a walk but i was like yeah it's either you go okay or

then it's a whole conversation a tantrum or tantrum or a tantrum and it's like i have tan i'm an adult person and i have tantrums like imagine two people with tantrums and like as someone with adhd you know i'll sit on my couch and i don't know try to read a book, 15 minutes. Yeah. Whatever. Imagine like, I had a friend over the pandemic post something on Instagram that was like, hey mom, and she's got a lot of kids. She's like, hey moms, I found this great puzzle. It's like a good 20 minutes of like attention. I was like, 20 minutes?

20 minutes. You're with your kids like what, 14 hours a day? Like they're sleeping, you know, whatever, like let's say 12, 14 hours a day. And that's just 20 fucking minutes. You're with your kids like what? 14 hours a day. Like they're sleeping, you know, whatever, like let's say 12, 14 hours a day. And that's just 20 fucking minutes. Yeah. What do you do the rest of the time? You have to like teach them stuff and like go on walks and like you're their chauffeur. You have to drive them to point A to point. Oh my God. You know what? Sometimes I'm like maybe. And right now I'm like, I couldn't. I know I'm driving myself out of it. You know what? Sometimes I'm like, maybe. And right now I'm like, I couldn't drive it places. I don't want to drive me places.

And I go fun places. And I don't want to go there. Yeah. Yeah. That's so – I hear you. I'm right there with you. I feel like we're very connected in this. And, you know, I'm married to someone who really is great with kids.

And he cannot wait to be a dad. So it's something that I do feel a pull towards sometimes, and then I really think about it. But I also like – and I know it's not the same, but I really didn't want a dog before we got one. And now I can't imagine my life without it. Okay. Here's the thing. I'm the same way. So I ended up with this dog named charlie with my old roommate john

millhiser and charlie came to us by way of like a facebook post where they're like i found this dog and then john's like we'll take him for a little bit cut to oh yeah 10 years later he still has him and then five years into having charlie i was like well charlie's not my dog i like having him around i better go adopt a dog who loves me specifically right and i love having my dog clyde is the sweetest oh that's a great name for a dog it's a great you i didn't do it he came clyde he came i was gonna yeah change it but then i was like it's been his name for so long he answers to it i couldn't i couldn't sometimes i call him it's kind of funny too oh colitis funny but clyde is funny i have a friend rob's rob lucci's dog

name is brenda that's funny i love that's very funny and clyde is right up there with brenda uh-huh brenda he goes brenda that's yeah and it's like one of those hot dog dogs oh my god he's really sweet so i so i what i'm saying is that I feel like when it's your baby. Yeah. You tend to love them more and stuff. Yeah. I want to drive them places. The only way I could have a child is with a lot of outside help.

And if my partner wanted to be the primary caretaker. Yes, that's exactly right. I could go do things. And I had enough money to like, you know, I don't want to lose sleep, which is almost impossible, but I'm going to pay someone to do it. I'm going to try. I don't know. I don't know.

I haven't planned it out yet, but that's whatever it is. I'm going to need a lot of money. So I don't want to be called mom. Oh, really? Yeah. That's what about. No. What would you want to be called?

I think Nicole. oh really yeah that's what about no what would you want to be called i think nicole i think i truly the thought of someone so it's like this person comes into your life they rob you of your name and your money and your time time you can't even be yourself you're now mom yeah it's like no call me n Nicole and like, let's have a conversation. Yeah. Miss Byer, to you. I don't think I should have children. No, I, listen. Miss Byer, is it okay if I use this?

No, I paid for it. Yeah, it's mine. No, I'm, I'm, I don't judge. I'm right there. I have these same exact thoughts. I really, really do. Boy. I really do.

And all your, are your friends having kids right now? A lot of my friends have had children um my close close close friends have not had children and I really hope it stays that way because you lose friends like they can't hang out as much they have to get a babysitter and I'm like I don't fucking know about that fucking life. That's not fun for me. Let's get wild and not have to worry about paying your babysitter overtime. Yeah, I hear you. Yeah, it makes a big difference. But I do have one particular friend in my close circle.

She just had a baby like a year ago. And they're really good about like they've got a night nurse. They've got the thing. So they have the resources where the privilege to like not miss a beat you know they're always that they can they can come out when we ask i mean they're like okay yeah let's do it we're gonna you know let's just check with the babysitter whatever but you have to have a lot of money to do that you can't just be like so much fucking yeah you have to have money you can't just like you know decide unless you have like a full-time

nanny which is what they have yeah that's what i that's what i would truly like because it's like i don't have time when i come home from work i'm really tired i'm tired and i gotta talk to a child no thank you i want to talk to you i want to go right to sleep wait amy i have a question so you've been with Tim for six years. No, seven years. Married for six. Together for eight. Eight. But married six. Yeah. So you missed out on dating apps.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Boy, are you lucky. I don't know what to tell you. I'm very sorry about this state of affairs. The shit that I hear. You know what it is? And this is a comedy podcast, so let's not get too deep into it.

We can. But there's been like a gamification of dating, of people, you know? Which is like, you know, whatever. And it's a game. And it's not – then it becomes like you dehumanize people that way, you know? And people's time becomes less valuable i've got a lot of thoughts on it but but what are you supposed to do i mean it's bad what are you supposed to do i mean i guess you can like get set up by somebody i keep asking people to set

me up and they keep being like all of my single friends are trash or there's just like i don't know any single people anymore and i'm like all right i get it so i don't know i'll stay on the apps you i hate i hate when people tell me this because they tell me this about shit that i really care about but like i truly believe that it is a timing thing like you may have already met your person but maybe they're just like being an asshole right or whatever like it's not a good time um like for example like tim was a smoker for a year like cigarettes i have terrible asthma i could never date a smoker if we had met earlier i wouldn't have been able to live with him i don't know like i'm just saying sometimes the universe has to iron out the details did he quit smoking

before you guys met yeah before we met yeah oh nice he chooses the gum now oh i quit smoking in january but then i had a i guess it's a relapse because it is like an addiction about like two months ago and then i was in new york this week and i got very drunk so i bought a pack of cigarettes and then i had one today and was like, this wasn't fun and it wasn't good. And that's the conclusion I keep coming to is I don't like these. Yeah. Yeah. And there's so many. I know. Well, it's so social, too, especially New York. You know, it's like you have a night, you go out, you want to smoke a cigarette, whatever. That was never an option for me because I have asthma. But, you know, like I spent so many years being like, no hard drugs, you know and then I'll like get fucking plastered like with alcohol and I'll feel

terrible uh-huh and then like I'll have something you know that's legal in California or like you know whatever maybe not and I'm like this is so much better you know what I mean like I started taking mushrooms lately same and I will say mushroom chocolate is one of the most delightful things also microdosing mushrooms I have these little capsules so I take like three or four before going out and I'm just like life is sparkly and we're all beautiful yeah I don't have to have a tequila soda I'm good you know and and the next day I wake up and I don't have to have a tequila soda. I'm good. You know, and the next day I wake up and I don't, my whole day isn't fucking ruined. So I feel like, I don't know if you feel this way, but like in my 30s, I'm like, man, I'm really figuring shit out. Like if only, you know, like I would have saved so much time if I'd come to this realization in my 20s or whatever.

So it is nice to be a little bit more open-minded as I get older and learn new things as I get older. But yeah, I feel like the social thing of like drinking just knocks me out. Like the whole rest of the day, I'm like screwed. I can't do anything. So I'll just take my little mushrooms. I don't know if you run into this. Are you on ADHD medicine? Yes.

I'm on Vyvanse, which is like time released. Yeah. And because I could not be held accountable to take like Ritalin is like you take three a day. Multiple a day. Yeah. I can't do that. I don't necessarily get very drunk sometimes. Ah, yes.

But I will be so hung over. Yeah. Vyvanse goes through your digestive system too. I used to take Vyvanse and the comedown was atrocious. But this was 10 years ago, so maybe it's gotten better now. No. But I remember it. No, it's bad.

It's really bad. It's pretty tough. Which is why I switched to the one that is in time release because the comedown is not as bad. Maybe I should switch. But you do have to remember to take it. And sometimes I fucking forget. I'm like, why can't I make a thought? Why can't I string a sentence together?

And it's like, didn't take my pill. But yeah, so it sucks. How are we going to have kids? It can't happen. I don't know. I think about how I leave things everywhere. Like my keys are these. They're huge and they jingle jangle.

So if they fall, I hear them. If they're in a bag, I hear them. But I'm like a kid. What if it's sleeping? I will certainly leave this child somewhere. I will leave this child in the car and then all of my accomplishments will go out the window. And I'll be known as a mom that left the kid in the fucking car. Yes.

People will talk about you. Yeah. And for the wrong reasons. Amy, we have to take fucking car. Yes, people will talk about you. Yeah, and for the wrong reasons. Amy, we have to take a break. Oh, I'm sorry. Let's do it. And we're back. So wait, you're Dominican and Puerto Rican.

You were born in Puerto, born in the Dominican Republic. Yeah, Santo Domingo. And then you grew up in Miami, Florida. That's right. Okay, my assistant Lindsay, she does a lot of good research. So here's a question. When did you get into acting? I can't remember a time I wasn't acting.

No, that's not true. I wanted to be, you know what I wanted to be? I wanted to be an opera singer of all things. Do you sing opera? No, absolutely not. I sure don't. But as a kid, I just, and nobody listened to opera in my house. It was like salsa, merengue. It was not anything that I was, but it just seemed like such a classy career. And, you know, and I remember my mom saying once, like, they have to speak a lot of languages, those people, you know, like they're very educated. And so I just thought it was just the fanciest thing. And then that once I realized I had zero talent for that, I was like, maybe I'll be a singer. And then not good enough for that.

So acting is really my third plan C. But no, I started doing like drama class and little plays. I was in a community theater in Miami called the Actors Playhouse. And we would do, you know, like summer stock and stuff. And yeah, I just kind of started when I was young. And I was like really stupid and naive. And when I moved to LA, I was like, I know a lot of people come here but i haven't the which they get a load of me and that naivete sort of helps a little bit i think in order to succeed you have to have a lot of well they haven't seen me yet so get ready hang on to your hats i'm gonna blow them off because otherwise you walk into a room with a bunch of people who

look exactly like you then you get like sad about it and you're like oh no but you just have to be I'm gonna blow them off because otherwise you walk into a room with a bunch of people who look exactly like you and then you get like sad about it and you're like oh no but you just have to be like crazy yeah my first audition do you remember that movie Spanglish did you ever see that yes I've never seen it but I remember it I think that was Adam Sandler's first foray into a drama d drama d um well there was this girl this like little girl who played his like the maid's daughter or something and i remember my first audition i went in and she was in the fucking room and i was like all of that like delusion that i moved here with immediately just took a nosedive and i was like oh god then you get one thing and you're like maybe i'm maybe i'm not

crap i don't know it's a terrible it's a terrible business it really is and it makes you like look inside and go am i worthy of nice things yeah i had um i worked with an actor who really like made my day miserable in a way that made me rethink every like it was like do i want to be an actor anymore yeah it was like scenes where there was like we were in a relationship and like he never checked in to like ask if touching me in scenes was like, okay. And I like spoke to him after and I was like, Hey, I think going forward, you should just talk to your scene partner before touching them.

And he was like, yeah, well, I asked you two days ago if it was okay to touch you. And I was like, yeah, that was two days ago. And then all day today I was just like on the defense.

Cause I didn't know when and where you were going to come at me. Right, right, right. Oh, it was like, do I want to do this anymore then I talked to my therapist and she was like Nicole just tell people your boundaries

you're okay I know well so much of like being an adult is like placing blame on yourself for people's bad behavior like I do that all the time I'm like well maybe it was my fault and it's like no some people are just horrible and was that recent or was that kind of like early on before it was recent which is crazy because i've been like working for a decent amount of time yeah and i am perfectly fine advocating for myself sure but the thing that started going through my head was like well you don't want to be like that girl which is an insane thing to think i i know someone who's like 58 years old or however the fuck old i am i just had a birthday i can never fucking remember oh i i don't know i've lost count of my birthdays too i'm like who cares um well you know

now they've got these like uh consent not consent um yeah like intimacy coordinators and you know you'd think that like but there is still there's like a group of people that are holdouts that no matter how much training they get no matter how much people you know how many people talk to them about it they are just going to do it like they're just going to assert themselves it's like people like refuse to wear like masks or whatever when you have to it's like now you know and it's like a lot of it is men you know like you know cishet men who are like i'm gonna i'm gonna push this button because i can and you know that's crap or whatever and that's just yeah drives me nuts and it was one of those things where i finally was like i've had enough so i like pulled him aside spoke to him and then he was like i've never been

accused of this before and i was like oh i'm not accusing you i'm letting you know how i feel which is not an accusation and i was like and i'm truly this day is done i said going forward and then he was like i have a girlfriend this that and the other i was like again nothing to do with the situation you can have a partner and still be crossing a line and i was like it felt like i was talking to a brick wall and i was like yeah i just feel bad for any other person he has to work with just like god it was just annoying. It's like, it's almost like they're like in spite of, you know, it's like 2020 what? You know, they just won't, they won't.

I had a director. I'm not even kidding you. This happened this year. This dude, I was like, maybe this is too much information, but I got my period during rehearsal. It's not too much information because a lot of people get their periods and we don't talk about it enough. And we didn't talk about it more. And I was in the middle of rehearsal. And so I pulled my phone up.

But here's the thing to remember or to know is that we weren't actively rehearsing. Also, if I got my period, I could have just gotten up and left. Like, fuck you. I'm not in like kindergarten. I can go to the bathroom. But for some reason, I was like, you know what? Let me text the stage manager just so that they know. And the director who this happened with, he was like talking shit about his weekend with someone.

And then I was texting the, hey, I need to take a bathroom break. And he made a beeline towards me. He's like, I know you don't do a lot of theater, which is not true. But that's just not acceptable. You cannot be on your phone during rehearsal, like in front of everybody. Wow. And so that night I was, I called him on the phone because I had like enough respect or maybe it was just like, I don't even, this is whatever. I just didn't want, I wanted him to have the reaction he wanted to have privately, you know. And so I said, you can't speak to me that way in front of people. You can't.

It doesn't feel safe. And he was like, I'm just going to stop you right there. It was like a demon came out. He was like, what is safe? What is even a safe space? And it's like they've been waiting for someone to use a little word to have a big reaction. And yeah, it was not pretty. I haven't cried because somebody was mean to me since high school.

But I went home and I cried that night. I was just so devastated. Shit like that happens. And the wildest thing is these are the same people who are like, oh, are you triggered? And it was like, well, sir sir you were triggered by the word safe and also acting is such a vulnerable thing that you do want to feel safe but you want to make sure that you're taking care of i'm so sorry that happened to you that fucking sucks well i'm sorry that happened to you i hate it thank you sometimes here yeah sometimes yeah but yeah sometimes most of the time but it's kind of like dating right I hate it sometimes here. Sometimes? Yeah. But yeah.

Sometimes. Most of the time. But it's kind of like dating, right? What do you say that it's a little bit like dating? It is a lot like dating because it's meshing two people together where it's like, I grew up this way. You grew up that way. You've been living this way. I've been living that way.

And then we're trying to come together to see if we can meet in the middle. Then a lot of times it's like uh this person is truly not for me not for me i've god i've you know if this wasn't being recorded i would just tell you all about how you know i've had to work with people that i truly despise and they were terrible to me and but but you're in this marriage whether you want to or not and there's other considerations you know like you like you've got to pay the bills. Like this might be a good stepping stone or whatever that is. And it's mostly just people not really respecting or not even just taking one minute to consider that someone is not like that.

Yes. And there's been several times where I've worked with people where they have said something so fucking off the wall something so fucking wild that I was like either I can say hey we don't talk like that anymore or I just go I'll just be quiet because I'm not gonna this isn't a teachable moment and I'm not teaching this old bitch is mine they're gonna think whatever they think and yeah it's not for me oh god yeah I hate to quote your you to yourself but like when that one dude i i think it was it i don't know who it was that you're special you're like you know this movie with mel gibson it's almost like and you're like what it is wild

because i toured the country telling that joke and a lot of times in the middle of the country i would say mel gibson's name and then they would be like woo and i'm like are we living under a rock we can't be celebrating this man and also who what is the overlap between you your fan base and mel gibson's fan base like i want to know who's buying tickets to see your show and they're like being like yeah that's a gift yeah he's great the christ yes that phone call when he got pulled over or the audio or whatever the sugar tits yes it is so wild to me that he has been allowed to come back i'm just like what no one's ever really canceled no one's ever really the only person that i and this is not like justice for billy bush

because he i'm sure you know what i'm saying but he's really the only person that hasn't even made a cut he hasn't even tried to make a comeback you know like he really hasn't he was like you know what i was on that bus i listened to those words i didn't say anything different i'll just stick where i am i'm good yeah and to and you know he he did you know it wasn't great he was like oh yeah but he wasn't like yeah fuck her you know he wasn't like adding he And to, and you know, he, he did, you know, it wasn't great. He was like, oh yeah. But he wasn't like, yeah, fuck her. You know, he wasn't like adding,

he was like, oh yeah. You know, which is sick. It's bad. You should say like, Hey, you know,

we don't talk like that about my, don't talk like the way about my co-star. I don't know. But, but he's really the one that was like, he's dead. He's in the ground. Yeah.

He has been. Goodbye. So my assistant, Lindsay, she's very wonderful. I love her so much. She did research. And I want to ask you about this.

You once accidentally broke a teacher's arm in school. Yeah, I did. How? Okay. I was running through the hall after school. And she was coming out of like her classroom. And she was like that. She was the English teacher, but she like ran the year yearbook too so she had this like cheapy little camera this must have been like 1999 or

1998 or something so she had like like a like a film it wasn't digital it was like a film camera but it was like a nikon i mean not a good one it was like a point and shoot anyway she was like holding her precious thing and maybe a coffee or something on one hand and so she was backing out of her door and i was like running to detention because i was late and i just tapped her but this woman probably weighed like 82 pounds soaking wet like a very tiny frail woman and that was enough just a shoulder brush was enough to just sweep her right off her feet and i'll never forget one of her shoes went flying. So you were like a car.

This was like a car accident. That's so funny. It was a drive-by. You knocked your fucking shoe off. I just knocked her shoe off. And I also have this memory of, like, her skirt, like, kind of going up over her head. She had these little granny panties on. You know, the things you remember.

And then, and so, you know, my dad was already pissed I was going to detention. So when I called him, I didn't have a cell phone. I had to call from the office. And I was like, I broke Miss So-and-So's arm. I don't remember her name. And he was like, what? And so he came. And instead of calling the ambulance for some reason, he was like, I'll drive her.

Put her in the car. I'll drive her. I was in the fucking backseat of this car. This woman was in such agony. Her arm was broken. Oh, my God like, I'll drive her. Put her in the car. I'll drive her. I was in the fucking backseat of this car. This woman was in such agony. Her arm was broken. Oh, my God. And my dad drove her. And then at the end, you know how like when you get in a car accident, you're like, I'm

fine. And then you're like, my neck hurts. And then it's like a whole thing. So like two weeks later, she was like, the camera's broken. Who's going to pay for it? Oh, wow. So my dad was like, she was like, honestly, it's like a $300 camera. Like, just get me a new one.

He was like, no. So he spent like $600 trying to fix this fucking camera. But yeah, that was that. Here's another thing that happened at your school that I'd love to hear about. A murder. A nun was killed by a monk. Yes. Yes.

That was so sad. Yeah. That was so sad. Yeah. There was this nun. And she – it was weird because I went to a Catholic school, but it wasn't like a Roman Catholic school. So it's not like a school that was like looked – there was no one to go to. They sort of like ran themselves. It was like orthodox whatever. It was very strange.

She was like the only nun there. It turned out she wasn't really a nun it was like a whole thing they discovered it later yeah but but so she um there was this monk and by monk i mean he was like a 18 year old kid that they'd taken from ukraine whose parents had been like we don't have money to feed this poor boy. Can you please like educate him? And they promised him an education and all this stuff in the States. Anyway, he was like terribly abused by these priests. It was so, so sad, so, so terrible. And he just one night like broke into the rectory or whatever, drank a ton of communion wine,

grabbed a knife from the kitchen and was just like he, you know, he claimed that the nun sister Michelle had like verbally abused him or just knew about the physical abuse and didn't say anything. He came into her room and he stabbed her 92 times. 92 times? He was mad about it. And then he's still alive. He's going to get out of jail like next year. Oh, my God.

Yeah, he served his time. He was young. So he's still going to be like a relatively young man. He's going to be under 40. And he'll be deported back to Ukraine. Like war-torn Ukraine. Good luck. Yeah, wow.

But yeah, so he, it was really, really sad. There's a book about it. It's called Murder at Holy Cross. Because the school was called Holy Cross Academy. And it was like a school built in the shape of a castle in the bowels of Miami in this one neighborhood called Horse Country. So it was like literally amongst like, you know, exotic plant farms and like horse shit. Oh my God.

How wild. There was like a castle. It was very strange. Very, very strange. Yeah. That's literally insane. Yeah. I have a lot of weird shit happen in that school.

I, oh, I don't love school. I don't love it. I don't love it. Real quick. Real quick. We got to take a break. Okay. Will you tell us? Tell me about the menu.

I watched the trailer. It looks really good. Oh, okay. So the menu is, I want to say like there i think the tag oh not the tagline but the way that like searchlight is like um you know selling it it's like it's a dark comedy thriller and kind of it's kind of a little bit genre bending if you will and it's about this chef who runs this like michelin star restaurant very very fancy on a private island and 12 diners it's only one seating per night 12 diners have to take a boat onto this um onto this private island

and it's sort of in the vein of did you ever see godsford park no but i do know it it's sort of like real talky and and you know like everybody kind of talks over each other and it's a lot of like privileged people it has a little bit of like you know one and, you know, like everybody kind of talks over each other. And it's a lot of like privileged people. It has a little bit of like, you know, one of the writers, two of our writers, one of them, Will Tracy and the other one is Seth Reese. They both used to work at The Onion together. And Will writes on Succession. And our director, Mark Milod, directs a lot of Succession. So it has a little bit of that like you just want to see these rich assholes get what's coming to them.

And so it, you know, we all arrive. you just want to see these rich assholes get what's coming to them. And so it, you know, we all arrive, we're all very unimpressed by this very impressive place. And so John Leguizamo plays a movie star. I play his assistant who like really doesn't need to be his assistant because my mom runs Sony. So I'm just like play acting at a career. And then there's like a food critic played by Janet McTeer and her editor. Then there's like, you know, these three tech bros.

And so it's like a kind of a mishmash of people that are all wealthy and just couldn't be bothered. And then everything starts to kind of go awry. And it's a kind of a really fun thing. And people, everybody's like, it's a cannibal movie. It's not a cannibal movie. But like what I love about it is that everything you think is going to happen doesn't happen. So it's a good night at the movie theaters. Like it's a good $20 spent.

You know what I mean? Like you're not going to regret seeing it at the movies. It looks good. And speaking of cannibals, there is a cannibal movie coming out. And it has Timothee Chalamet. Chalamet. Timothee Chalamet. And I think it's called no it's called bones

and all bones and all that's what it is it made me eat the bones at all like my grandma my dominican grandma would literally eat a chicken and break it and suck the marrow out of the chicken it's not even like an osso buco like It's not even like a fancy cut of beef. It's like chicken bone. Just chicken bones. My mother would do that. Yeah, if some auntie would still do that. Yeah.

I'm not a marrow girl. I think it's pretty fucking gross. Gross. It's like grizzly. Is that the word for it? I think so. It's grizzly and fatty. Even at fancy restaurants where they give you the big fucking bone

and they put it. I'm like, ugh. I don't't want it it's not for me and that's my big issue with fancy restaurants which is like i don't want to eat half of this fucking food yes i went somewhere with jacques torres i love dining with him because chefs respect him and send us yeah i went to this one place where they gave us mustard ice cream and I've never been angrier. It's a slap in the face is what it is. It was.

It's a slap in the... Who in the world wants mustard ice cream? You might as well slap an anchovy on there. Because, you know, like, yeah, I hear you. That pisses me off. Like, whenever it's like, when it reeks of like desperation in that manner i'm like i don't need another like like savory ice cream no i sure don't where who is it

salt and straw does that sometimes i did go with my friend she got the thanksgiving ice cream i think it has actual pieces of turkey in it. Her review was, I like it. And I was like, you're ill. You are very ill and very wild. I can't. If you're going to use any kind of savory product, why turkey? I don't know. You know how they add miso paste to things?

That's a savory I'll get. You want to give me like a miso ice cream? I don't know. That doesn't sound like a treat. Like a caramel miso or something. That's as daring as I'll go. But I don't need. They have one there that I think it's like a literal salt lick ice cream.

And they're known for it. It's like a salt ice cream. I'm like, don't want it. Yeah, I don't want that at all. That sounds terrible. Sounds awful. Awful, awful. I want it. I'm sorry. Yes. Is awful. Awful, awful. I want it.

I'm sorry. Yes. Is it time to go? No. What were you going to say? I have a story prepared. Oh, okay. Because sometimes you ask people about the worst date they've ever been on.

Yes. And I want to tell you my worst date. Okay. Do I have time for it? Yeah. Yes, we have time. It's not a long story, but I want to tell you about it. I want to hear it. Okay. I want to hear it.

Okay. This is a true story. Okay. So my husband and I started dating. We went on this vacation immediately. It went well. Then I got invited to like, you know, those like gifting suites that are like mostly trash, like the good ones are given to like Brad Pitt.

Like he gets a trip to like, I don't know, Australia. But there was a rumor going on and the cast of Young and Hungry that they were giving a trip. They were giving away a trip to Anguilla, which I'd never been to. Oh, yeah. And I was like, that's good enough for me. Wait, who was ABC Family? No, it was like it was like for the MTV Movie Awards. But they had this gifting suite.

Oh, yes. At the Roosevelt Hotel. Yeah. I think I got one of those little vouchers and I just didn't know how to use it. Well, I used it because I'm not going to give away anything. I'm not going to waste a free thing. So I went because Jonathan Sadowski, who was on Young and Hungry, was like, yeah, Melissa and I are going in six months.

It's going to be great. And so Tim and I went. I'm like, they probably run out of these trips. They probably took two trips. No, they hadn't run out. So we get there. I like, you know, there's other things. I like take a picture of like me and like a melatonin bottle and like, but finally at the end of this suite, there's like the piece de resistance, which is this free trip to Anguilla. So Tim and I book it. We're dating maybe

like five or six months at this point. And I, and we'll see, I'm a bad, this is already, it's gone to shit. Okay. I'm not going to this is already – it's gone to shit. Okay. I'm not going to start over, but there's one piece of information you need to know. Okay. This guy I dated for a long time, we'll call him Steve. His name is not Steve. He – we had a very bad breakup.

He broke – he cheated on me, and it was bad. And we worked at the same restaurant, so, like, people took sides. It was, like, really worked at the same restaurant. So like people took sides. It was like really dirty, like divorce. And he had since gotten engaged. And he sent me this email like the first week of dating Tim. It was like two in the morning. And he was like, do you still think about us? Ew.

And I didn't respond. And then the next morning, he sent me another email. He CC'd his fiance on it and was like, I'm very sorry. I was drunk. Right? Still a shit human being. But I was like, no worries. Congrats on your engagement.

And I went on with my life. So we went to this gifting suite. We get this free trip to Anguilla. And we go. And nothing in life is free. We show up to this place. Anguilla is beautiful. But the hotel was literally on an oil rig. And nothing in life is free. We show up to this place and Will is beautiful.

But the hotel was literally on an oil rig. Like it looked like someone had slapped it together from like an old sailing boat and called it a hotel. It was really bad. And it was very clear that we were the only people at the hotel, the only guests. And so we like, we don't even unpack. We're like immediately looking for another hotel. So we find another hotel that's on the other side of the island, which looked like kind of like a Wes Anderson sort of style hotel. And we leave and we make up some shitty excuse like, our parents surprised us. They're at the other hotel. We'll be right back. But we took all of our bags like it was bad and so we show up to this other hotel and it's a paradise it's so beautiful but

it's off season there aren't a lot of people the only two other people that we see are that is this old couple and one of them is uh a casting director that never cast me in anything so i was immediately like fuck fuck you. Not talking to you. And then, and that was it. And Tim, you know, I like, you know, it was still early on in the relationship. Like we weren't like poopy. Like we weren't like the poop talk hadn't happened yet as far as like, so I was like,

I have to go to the bathroom upstairs. You know, so I took the room key, went upstairs to take a shit. And I came downstairs. He was like, this young couple just checked in. I think we should be vacation friends. And I was like, I don't want to talk to anybody on vacation. But the next few days sort of pass. And he's like, oh, there they are. And they'd be like turning a corner. You know, like I just like was always missing them. So finally, we're at the beach and this fucking I just see the silhouette of this couple walking towards us. And the guy is like, hey, Amy. And I'm like, who's that?

us and the guy is like hey amy and i'm like who's that and as we get closer it's steve and his new wife and they're on their honeymoon that is wild what are the fucking odds what are the odds it turns out that like she works for the company that owns the hotel so they got a free stay or some shit anyway so we're like well and tim hadn't seen a picture of Steve. So he had no idea. But he had this enormous cross on. He was very religious. One of the reasons we broke up was because every time I gave him a handjob, he was like, I can't. I have to repent. Like, it was just really bad.

And then he ended up, like, cheating on me. So it was, like, oh, terrible, stupid. So but he had this enormous cross on. So Tim was, like, halfway through the conversation, he was like, you know, and knew exactly who he was. But by then he was like, through the conversation he was like you know and knew exactly who he was but by then he was like we should have dinner together like so the worst date I ever went on was with my soon-to-be husband not soon-to-be but future husband and my ex-boyfriend who had been like do you still think about us and his new wife who was cc'd on the email and she knew all about it how uncomfortable I mean was it it must have been awkward not for me i did nothing wrong well you know she they're very you know how like some really i don't know if you grew

up did you grow up religious at all yeah i went to church every sunday vacation bible school all day okay same um but i grew up catholic and catholics by no means it's like a whole different side of like other problems but like he was like like evangelical sort of christian and he married this woman who looks exactly like his mother first of all and she was like there was like this thing among some christian women in some circles where they're like everything is perfectly fine and so she was so kind and could and couldn't have been more graceful under this terribly awkward situation. And she was like, it's just so lovely to meet someone from Mark's life before I met him. She just couldn't have been kinder. So I'm sure it was terrible for her,

and maybe they had a fight about it when we weren't around. But we did end up having dinner with them and having a drink with them because we were like the only motherfuckers at this hotel. But it's nice to see what's behind door number one versus door number two, because I really thought I was like, maybe I could have a future with this guy. Like I was so like in love with him

and then getting to see like, oh my God, that would have ruined my life. Like I would have just hated that so much. And then being sitting next to the person that I am supposed to be with was a really kind of like lovely moment. Again, very rom-commy. Your life is a fucking rom-com and I want in. I want it. Is there anyone in your life that is single that you think would be good for me?

single that you think would be good for me? I'm trying to think because the problem when you get married is that then all of your friends start getting married too as you get older. I'm going to give it a good thought because I'm sure I know someone. Actually, I'm going to think about it because you deserve someone fabulous and great. And I hate that you're relegated to these apps where it's like, it's hard to find someone fabulous and great because And I hate that you're relegated to these apps where it's like, it's hard to find someone fabulous and great because everyone's on the defense. I would imagine. You're like, well, you're not going to fuck me up.

So how can you have like a, you know, a good, you're already jumping off in like the most defensive place for the most part. Yeah, it's tough. And I hate it. Well, do you have anything that you want to promote? Because we have come to the end. Yes, do you have anything that you want to promote? Because we have

come to the end. Yes. Thank you for indulging me and letting me tell that story. I liked it. I was really glad that I was like, yeah, tell it. It's fun. And it just confirmed that you live in a movie. Remember when I was like, I'm not type A and I was like, but I prepared this story. I must tell.

But you must let me tell it. Let me explain this joke to you why it's funny. So, yeah. I've got the menu coming out November 18th in theaters. And I also, I'm in this movie called Spirited.

And that's an Apple Plus production. I think that's technically the title. But it's Will Ferrell and Ryan Reynolds. Oh, it's like a Christmas movie. Christmas Carol. Yeah. It's like a, you know, slow.

Wow. Okay. Slightly based on the Christmas Carol story. And it's a small part, but it's really fun. And then next year at some point, I'm going to be in a show called The Consultant for Amazon with Christoph Waltz. Wow. What az. Wow. What a dream. Wow.

Have you filmed yet? Yeah, we filmed. He's amazing. And you're like wrapped in shit? Is he amazing? Oh, what a dream. Not only is he amazing, but he's very honest in a way that I just love. And so I was doing a play at the Geffen earlier this year.

I did Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf. You played Honey, right? Yeah. And I was like, you want to come to my play? And he goes, I don't go to theater. And I was like, he was like, no. Most people would be like, honestly, my schedule. Like, he was like, I don't do theater.

And I was like, why not? And he was like, well, I just did so much like, I guess in Germany, like the government like sponsors theater or something. So if you're like an out of work actor, you can have a job in like the government-run theater so he did so much government theater that he was like never again not doing it wow yeah i mean should we all be so honest funny that germany is like you're an out-of-work actor. We have government. Government theater is really funny. Government theater. And the best part was that sometimes they ran out of money,

but people will still buy tickets. So they do half the play. And they'll be like, and that's as far as we got. Wait, really? That is so funny. Germany sounds wild. And I'd really like to go. Apparently they party really hard.

And everyone has a nice time. Yeah, and you had a glory hole there, you said. Well, that's where I learned that's where the glory holes for ladies are. Yeah. So I need to make my appointment to go to Germany. Maybe you'll find your partner in Germany. Maybe I'll find my partner at a glory hole for ladies. Yeah, you're like, who's that?

You're really good. It's not a meet cute it's like no it's not the best story to tell over thanksgiving ice cream no it's like how'd you guys meet it's like well um i couldn't see their face when i finally saw their face they waited around for me after the glory hole ended or do they end i don't know i mean at what point do they end also hurts after a while i don't need that many i mean what are they doing also i i would imagine yeah i would probably stick around for three rounds of whatever and then leave because yeah i can't stay there all night no who's got the time anyway this was lovely thank you for doing this amy thanks for having me if you liked this episode of why won't

you date me you can like it, rate it, subscribe or whatever. Review it on Apple Podcasts. If you send me a nasty email hitting on me, it is whywontyoudatemepodcast at gmail.com. Mara is my producer, is the one who reads them. She does not like dick pics, so no dick pics. But this is what somebody said. Hey, Nicole, here's a little dirt.

No, a little ditty. Oh, my God. We meet on Halloween night. You as a clit and me as a Dyson appliance. Turns out we're the perfect pair. Oh, God. This person wants to hurt me. I'd suck you off like your pussy's stuck in a vacuum.

Oh. And eat you out like I'm at an you eat all you can eat vegas buffet until you come countless times you get pleasured so well that we go out the very next day turns out i'm the head of the local mafia and i've hired my best men to be a part of your reverse harem you'd have endless dick for the rest of your days because all the men are devoted to you and your pleasure and we we get brunch every Sunday. Hope you enjoyed. I'm asexual, but I used to read a lot of fanfic.

Okay, I was going to say, remember you were like, who's bad in bed? I'm like, that person. That's bad. A Dyson? I'm not sexual. So a Dyson sexy? I love it. Friend, that was fun.

That was fun. Okay, Amy, thank you so much. Bye-bye. Thank you. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotaroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening.

I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream. What a dream. Ha ha ha. This has been a Team Coco production.