Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Setting 2020 Resolutions (w/ Kevin T. Porter)

Episode Date: January 31, 2020

Podcast pro Kevin Porter (Host of Inside Voices, Good Christian Fun, and Gilmore Guys podcast) helps Nicole set some 2020 dating goals - starting with deleting her Raya app. They also identify her negative loops to break, and have an education rundown on managing the iPhone's hidden app subscriptions. Plus, Nicole realizes she has no straight guy friends.Want to learn more about Nicole's podcasting process? Check out her interview on Inside Voices.Rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts and leave a dirty comment for a chance to have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyBuy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me of Why Won't You Date Me? It's a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though if you spit in my mouth, I'll say yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Oh, that one got me. My guest today, you know him from Gilmore Guys, Good Christian Fun, and Inside Voices. It's Kevin Porter! Hey! Bringing it, bringing it today.

Third up in a row for Nicole Byer. Hell yeah, dude. Gotta stack them, because this bitch be busy. Okay, so, Kevin, how are you? Hi, I'm good. This is a first date for us This is a first date, I've never met you before Yeah, we met 30 seconds ago

We did Obviously, like most of your guests, I've admired you for a long time Thank you I admired you pre-Nailed It, pre-Netflix Thank you Pre-Why Won't You Date Me Oh my god Pre-Girl Code, pre-high school

Oh my god Pre-middle school So you really just admired me from the womb. I've had no stalkers until now, and I'm loving it. I'm loving it. So, Kevin, are you a single person? In a technical sense, yes. In all other senses, yes.

Oh, okay. So I was going to say non-technical sense. You're not single, but that was just a fun way to say that you are single. Yes, ma, okay. So I was going to say non-technical sense. You're not single, but like that was just a fun way to say that you are single. Yes, ma'am. So are you on the apps? No, I used to be on the apps and I got off of them. Can I tell you about my last experience on the apps? Please.

I feel kind of happy about this as an experience. The last time I used an app was last year. Okay. Or two years ago, whenever you're listening to this. Who knows? Who could say? Who could say? What year is it?

Or four years in the past. I don't know. Mm-hmm. And I dated a girl from that. We met up and went on dates for like a month or so. And I felt like a nice friendship with her, but didn't want to pursue anything. Okay. And so we ended things.

And I said, I still really like you. And I still want to be friends with you. Can we actually be friends after this? And she was like, yeah. And so we were actually friends after that. And so I started hosting parties and stuff in my place. And I invited her to those. And she met new people at those.

And now she met the man that she's now dating and his boyfriend and girlfriend with. At one of those parties. A mutual friend of mine. And then you decided to get off the apps because someone found happiness through you? I was like, someone's happy, so I feel like we can cash out while we're ahead. Fair. So you truly, you got off every single app because of that? Not truly because of that.

That was a little... Or this lovely woman who did nothing wrong, who you broke up with, found love. I like to say in things rather than broke up with. Broke up with sounds like it's been years long relationship, right? Okay, so you dismantled whatever you were trying to build. I deconstructed her affection. You stepped on half of a Lego castle. Fair.

I mean, I don't think that's a horrific story, but sure. Why not get off the apps? So do you think you're going to ever get back on them? I can't foresee it right now. In the immediate future. I can't foresee it. Have you been trying to meet people in person? I've been trying to be more open to people in person, yeah.

And be more intentional about how I use my time with that stuff. Like going to parties otherwise I wouldn't go to. Or saying yes to things I wouldn't usually say yes to. Or talking to people I wouldn't usually talk to. Been trying to be more open with that stuff. To mixed results. What do you mean by mixed results? Well, sometimes like you invest the time to drive all the way out to a party in Santa Monica.

And it's fine. Or sometimes you stay where you are in your neighborhood, and it's good. And it's like, turns out I should have stayed home this whole time. Yeah, I do. I will not drive to Santa Monica for anybody. For anything. I don't care how good the dick is.

I don't care how nice the person is. Not even a dick appointment could get you out to the West Side. I'm so sorry. Unless it was very late, and there was no traffic. Sure. Because the 10 gets wild and I'm not here for it.

Santa Monica to Pasadena, which is where I live, 32 minutes flat in no traffic. No, thank you. The radius for me is like three miles. Yeah. No, no, no. That's fair. Anything further than that, then I'm like, it's like going

to another state. I don't want it. Who needs it? It's too fucking far. And do you feel like you've become friends less with people who live on the West Side because of that? Whenever a friend moves to the West Side, I go, I will never see you again. It's a friendship funeral. And they think that I'm being dramatic, but I'll see

them one time in three years. And they'll text me, I miss you. And I'm like, I miss you. Move back to the east side and maybe we can reconnect. I have found that I talk to people in New York more than some people in like Culver City. Oh, I absolutely do, which is insane. Wait, are you from New York? No, I'm from Texas.

Which one? Which Texas? The main one. Austin, Texas. Dallas, Texas. Houston. Houston was going to be the next one. Born in Tulsa, Oklahoma. Raised in Houston. Did you grow up with Beyonce? No, I never knew her. But I remember growing up, one of my buddies claimed to fame as my dad has Destiny's Child's phone numbers in his in his Rolodex because he like knew the guy that was maybe managing them at the time.

Matthew Knowles. Was it Matthew at the time? It was Matthew Knowles. Yeah. He managed Destiny's Child until they discombobulated themselves as a group. And then he managed Beyonce up until I think her self-titled album, Beyonce. That's right. And we pour one out for Matthew and his legacy.

Oh, poor Matthew Knowles. Then he divorced Miss Tina. And I don't know who Miss Tina's dating. I know too much about Beyonce now. Does Matthew have a Patreon that people can find him at or subscribe to? Yes, it's MatthewKnowlls.patreon.com. You can send him $32 a month to listen to him talk. He does like teaching seminars of like how to be managed

or how to manage and stuff. And it's $32 a month. I'm not getting a cut of it. This is not a sponsored ad. It's really great. I belong to it. I'm a patron. I just understood that like Patreon is like,

oh, people are patrons of you. So I'm pat patron. I just understood that like Patreon is like, oh, people are patrons of you. So I'm patreeing the, maybe I don't get Patreon in the new year. You didn't think it was a word, you thought it was a made up word like Buzzfeed or something. Kind of, but Patreon I think is a real word. Well, it is now. I think it's based on patron though.

Yeah. It's just patronizing. Yeah. Me, I'm the queen of the patrons. I'm the Patreon. That's right. Figuring things out. We're doing it together.

Yeah. So when you are looking for a significant other, what are you looking for? Well, I've been talking about this with friends a lot recently in the sense of keywords, which is just a dumb made up thing. But just in the sense of if you were and maybe we can do it with you right now too okay but just describe maybe like keywords that are qualities that you aspire to embody maybe you don't fully yet all the way but like things that you aspire to embody and then you're also attracted to not even just in like romantically or physically but also just relationally and friends and in other people.

And I feel like that's been a nice way to like narrow things down for me. So things like some keywords would be like warm, vulnerable, sincere, funny, fun, kind, open, engaged, curious, aware, self-aware, things like that. Those are a lot of words. Yeah. Let's see. Pick one. Warm. I'm always hot.

Let's see. What do I want? Someone warm, I guess. Inviting. I feel home with them. Sure. I'm not saying words. I'm saying sentences.

Okay. Warm. Homely. Homely. No, no, no. I'm with you. I don't know how to, I don't know what the word is for someone who's like, you feel at home with them.

Comfort. But it's not homely. Comfortable, maybe. Yeah. Comfortable. Not homely. I mean, attractive to me. Sure.

Oh, I always feel like that goes without saying, because without that, what are you doing? Oh, I guess so. Yeah. Intelligent. That's a big one. Sure. I always feel like that goes without saying because without that what are you doing? I guess so. Intelligent. That's a big one. Yeah. Because you could do all those things but still have a dummy on your hands. Yeah. I don't want a dummy. I want someone who can teach me something. You want a smarty not a dummy. I want a smarty because that candy is pretty

good. The white ones are the best. The other ones can truly suck a dick. You want a teacher. You want to be a student. I want to be a dick. You want a teacher. You want to be a student. I want to be a student. You want that dynamic. I want him to be fucking me and be like, what did you learn today? And I'm like, I don't know, daddy.

I'm kidding. And he gives you a D every time. Yes, he gives me the D and a D. Let's see, curious. I like someone who wants to learn more themselves. Who just cares about the world, right? Yeah. Or like what's actually going on.

Yeah. That doesn't take things for granted. Yes. Informed. A political junkie, you're saying. No. Someone who's locked into MSNBC, constantly scrolling Twitter.

No, I want someone who's locked into Fox News and is telling me what I want to hear about my president. And that's hot for you. That difference. Real hot. I want him to always be wearing that red MAGA cap and I never want him to take it off. And I want him to wear a shirt all the time that says,

Trump is my homie, fight me about it. That's right. That's his keyword. And then, or not homie, homeboy, yes. And I want him to like hate being with me. Hate it. Yeah. Like really hate and be like, I don't know why I'm dating a black.

No, I'm kidding. It's gone off the rails. I've named nothing that I want in another person. Do you want vulnerability? I think so. Cause I'm not super vulnerable. So yeah, I guess it would be nice to have someone who was vulnerable and then yeah

that might be a nice compliment maybe that could bring that out of you yeah maybe if someone's vulnerable around me I'll be like oh I do have feelings to share because that's something I feel like even with as much as you share on this show you may not lock into as much like on off mic life what do you think well I mean

I share a lot. I had an interview where the lady was like, you're very open and like talk so much about your personal life. And I was like, yeah, but then also I don't like there's so much in my personal life that I don't talk about. Yeah.

But it is weird when I do share things like on my other podcast this year, I was talking about my new tattoo. And then like I posted the episode where we talk about my new tattoo and like a bunch of people were like, where's the post a new tattoo? And I was like, I don we talk about my new tattoo. And a bunch of people were like, where's the post on your new tattoo? And I was like, I don't know. You're not going to see it. I think you'll see it if I post it one day.

But I'm not. You don't feel a responsibility to keep people in the loop. I'm not beholden to show you literally everything. No, no, no. That's insane. Who's the last person you dated? And how long did you date them? It would be that person from Hinge last year. That was the last person I dated? And how long did you date them? It would be that person from Hinge last year That was the last person I dated

Okay Yeah So it's been a little bit Uh-huh And are you like a serial monogamist? No The longest relationship I've had was probably four months in college Oh

Yeah, so it's been a little bit What year of college? Was it the freshman, the sophomore, the junior, or the senior? It was the sophomore year of college. And how did you meet? Like on the quad, throwing a Frisbee? We met in our hometown of Kingwood, Texas, in the suburbs of Kingwood, Texas, 2007. Okay.

And I think we didn't date until 2008, I want to say. The timing might be slightly off, but that was truly it. So in some ways, I do feel a little inexperienced with some of that stuff given that's been literally over a decade fair yeah what do you feel like you're inexperienced about the monogamy stuff where it is like long term like oh yeah we were together for a year we were together for six months and I know that like length doesn't dictate importance or gravity of it but still sometimes with that stuff you know when when you end up talking about relationships sometimes I can feel like a because it's like well the longest one was like four months I can't speak to oh it's hard when

you break up after two years it's hard when you go on vacation and have a fight it's hard when you know a lot of the life experience stuff that's so common for other people. I can't wait to go on vacation and have a fight with somebody. I do want to go to a waterfall. You're coming! No! Wait, what was your longest relationship? How long? I've never had a real relationship. A real relationship.

Not like a real one. The longest thing I've been in was I hooked up with somebody for like two and a half years or maybe three years or maybe it was two I don't really remember um but yeah it was just like hooking up on and off and things like people said I love you he said he loved me and I didn't feel like that was a real thing so I didn't say it back and like it never affected anything and I was like you're crazy to stay with you after you didn't say you loved him

like that's bananas not aware no not curious to know about your love self involved if you will so yeah that's like the longest thing I've been in yeah other than that

like a couple like a couple months I'd be like hooking up with somebody and then it would just like fizzle out. But yeah, I've never like looked someone in the eye and been like, oh my God. Right. You're my best friend. Maybe that's all you need though, like truly. To look someone in the eye and go, oh my God.

No, I'm saying the months long thing or like not being in a long term full time relationship. Maybe you might want it, but do you need it? Oh, I don't know if I need it. Some people need it. I don't think anyone needs to be in a relationship. I think you could trick yourself into saying that you need it. I just, I fully just want it. I just want somebody who cares about me and loves me and is entertained by me.

I want someone who's always like, teehee, you're the funniest person I know. You want a teehee boy. Some people have replied, guys, you want a teehee boy. I want a teehee man or person, doesn't matter. But I also want them to be a teehee person. I want to giggle with them.

Yeah. And I don't know. I think this year is going to be a teehee person. I want to giggle with them. And I don't know. I think this year is going to be very good. I'm very excited. 2020, baby. You should have some like relationship goals, like some specific things that seem a little strange, but like maybe you can accomplish them.

Well, I have an issue with people chasing me. So I think maybe I let my guard down and allow someone to chase me that might be an interesting thing because usually I'm the aggressor and not the aggressor so maybe I'll become the aggressor what's the discomfort with being pursued? I think I get confused and I go

why do you like me so much? which is insane because I'm like I like me yeah that's a familiar feeling because someone's calling you on the bullshit of you being you. I guess. But then when someone doesn't like me, I'm like, why don't you like me? It sounds like being you is a nightmare. Yeah, I would say.

I think being me is a full-blown nightmare. It's really annoying. I'm constantly annoying myself. It's very confusing. And if I could wake up not me No, I wouldn't I like me No, you love you

But it is exhausting to be me Yeah But it comes at a price of actually liking yourself Yeah Because some people dislike themselves And it's not exhausting to be them So there's trade-offs here I want to help you, Nicole

Okay How are you going to help me? We're figuring it out together. Okay. So here's the last conversation I had on Hinge. Yes. I don't know. My Hinge is about to change because I stopped paying for it.

What does that mean? Well, like you can pay. I don't know what I was paying for. I recently went through all my subscriptions. And I was like, I'm paying for Tinder and Hinge and Bumble and Riot. And this is like $100 every couple months. You can do like super swipes on some of them, right? And like really let them know.

I think I need super swipes. So I was talking to this person and they said, so I have a picture of me and Guy Fieri. Someone photoshopped me when he got his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Beautiful. And he said, how is Flavortown? I said, i said delicious delightful and full of donkey sauce you ever been he said currently running for mayor i'll settle for comptroller i said i wish i knew what a comptroller did i could google but i won't and he said i'm glad i don't know what they do i hope to never find out but i'll do it for flavor town i said honestly there's very few things i wouldn't

do for flavor town and then he was like amen sister What's up this Friday? I didn't see it till Saturday. So I said on this Friday, I did laundry today, Saturday, I bought a motorcycle and I went to a friend's house for wine and movies. What was your weekend like? And this person never responded. Ghost protocol. Never responded. But it is only Sunday. And then it did take me more than a day to respond to him. So maybe I should chill out. Yeah, I mean, what do you think is the appropriate response rate? 24 hours? 48 hours?

12 hours? I guess 12 hours. I don't know, but we've been talking since Monday. It is now Sunday. I feel like you should ask me out. Once you get a thing going with someone, what do you think is like the reasonable, should you text every day, every couple days? Do you want game with that?

Every couple of days is good for me. But I feel like after a week of talking, you should ask the person out. Sure. Like, what the fuck are we doing? After a week, it feels criminal. Yeah. And then this other person liked my photo, so I invited them to start chatting. And he wrote, hi.

And I went, oh, hi, hello. And they didn't respond. And that was four days ago. Yeah. These are both on Hinge. Yes, Hinge. That feels like your favorite platform. I like it because I feel like everyone seems a little bit more reasonable.

I feel like everyone on Tinder is unstable and sick in the head. And I shouldn't say that because I'm also on Tinder yeah I just I don't haven't found like a good person ever on Tinder but the only thing about Hinge that I don't like is there's like a section that says likes you and then it's a heart

with like a black bar through it and it's like it used to say no one likes you but they changed it to new likes appear here. Now I would yeah if I was Hinge I would make it like still buffering or like on the hunt right now

rather than just like no it's nothing one app does say gathering more match oh that's Raya that feels nice Raya's trash oh

where was your last Raya date such trash oh a long long time ago I guess two years ago at this point where the person like gave me a script and I was like, I don't. Why? Want this.

What kind of script? For like texting the other person? No, like a Hollywood script. Oh, he messaged you a script. Yeah. And he's like, obviously you're a hotshot. You can help me. Yeah.

And I was like, I'm not a producer. I don't have my own production company. I can't do anything. My impression of Raya, which I've never been been on is that it's influencers and djs yeah a lot of djs from australia okay like i down under the music bumps i don't know that was a bad australian accent no i'm sure it's not offensive to anybody i'm sure somebody will say i hated it because if anything is true on the internet, it's a place where people thrive and tell each other what they hate about each other.

Listeners, if you hated Nicole's Australian accent, don't tweet. Tweet at me, at Nicole Byron. Let me know how much you hate it. Maybe 2020 is the year you delete just one app off of your roster and then maybe start whittling it down. If Hinge is your favorite anyway, 2020 is the year you delete just one app off of your roster. And then maybe start whittling it down.

If Hinge is your favorite anyway, maybe you go from least favorite to most and just whittle it down and keep using each one with a little less intention. Maybe. You're right. We could start with Raya. We could delete Raya right now if we wanted to. All right, let's delete Raya right now.

Are we doing it? Yeah. But I need to make sure that I'm not paying that subscription thing. I don't know how to get back to that. Oh, I think it's in like Settings, iTunes Store. You go under Subscriptions and you can find it there.

How your data's managed. Uh-oh. Where is it? Now, this is podcasting for me. Dude, this is why I listen to shows. Hell yeah. Everyone loves this. Okay. Dang, I wish this was live and interactive and somebody could tell me how to do this.

Mm-hmm. Okay, where's Raya? Mars doesn't know. She's got an Android. Oh. We're not going to edit any of this out. No, keep it all in. This is all good and actually it's like jazz

where the the best parts are in the spaces between is it and the silences well clearly you're not a fan of jazz i'm not a jazz bitch if you don't always a jazz bitch never a jazz yeah i don't know if i'll ever be a jazz bitch. I don't love jazz. Okay, accessibility? No, that's not it. This is bad. Okay, Apple and WalletPay? No, it would be under iTunes, I think. Okay, iTunes and App Store.

Password settings? Not password settings. It would be under, let's see if I can do a mirror on my end. Am I stupid? No, no, no, no, no, no. No. Oh, you know what you hit, Nicole? Is you go to iTunes and App Stores and then you hit your Apple ID at the top.

You see it? And it says view, oh, view Apple ID? Yeah. Whoa! This is so hard. Why would they do this to me? Because they want it to be very difficult to cancel subscriptions. This is sick, Apple. You have got to make this This is sick, Apple. You have got to make this easier for everybody, Apple.

Are you in account settings? Yes. Okay, so scroll down to subscriptions. Manage payments? Oh, wait, scroll down. Whoa! There it is. This is nuts.

Yeah. This is so wild. I cannot believe this. And I hope that the biggest epiphany we have on this episode of Why Won't You Date Me is data management for iPhones and the Apple Store and Apple TV+. If you're a subscriber to that, hopefully they're not a sponsor on this week's episode. No, probably not. Okay, so my Riot membership ended December 20th anyway.

So I'm going gonna get rid of it we're doing it okay this is progress where is it this is okay hello where is it this is really well you're looking for the app like on your page yes

well just go if you swipe up and then type in Raya. Swipe up. This is wild that I cannot find it. I feel like a very old woman who's like, how do you use a phone? Okay, delete app. Delete it.

Yes, this bitch did it. Okay, so that's one down. We're done. Wow. I did it. I deleted my that's one down. We're done. Wow. I did it. I deleted my Raya. What a treat. How do we break out of our old cycles and our loops?

We find ourselves over and over again. If not this. If not this, then what? Well, what a delightful place to take a break. And we're back if you've been listening i just deleted my raya and i feel so liberated and this is the highest rate episode why won't you date me we've ever had i delete my raya next we're gonna go through photos and transfer them to your cloud and figure that out. I have no idea how to. Isn't everything in the cloud?

I mean, not if you haven't set it up. Phase two. My phone kept asking to like update and it did it by itself last night. And then my phone, like my alarm wasn't going off because it was in that like page. It was like swipe up to set up. And was like set up what had happened and I was like oh it's just an update I mean iPhones are so hard to keep up with do you have an iPhone I have an iPhone right here what which one mine is the iPhone 10 I think I had the SE the teeny tiny guy before this one because I had the headphone jack at the bottom. And I do miss that one.

I miss the headphone jack. So much. I had a 6 for too long. I had a 6 until the 11 came out. Yeah. And then I was like, this phone does not work. Do you like your lenses? Do you like your wide shot, your zoom shot?

I don't use it. Also, my case covers my camera. Ooh. So I have to like take my phone out every time I want to take a my phone out every time I want to take a picture and then sometimes I just take it

on the front facing camera facing away from me. Like a real freak. Yeah, no, you don't sound like a tourist that's a little out of their element everywhere they go. I'm telling you,

I'm an old lady who does understand technology. I'm like, what do you mean? And you just want someone who accepts that just the way you are. Yes, who's like, oh, Nicole, my Nicole, she'll take a picture with the selfie mode and not be a selfie. Okay. What are the other ways we're breaking you out

of your old loops in 2020? We're doing it. I guess getting a new phone case, but I won't because I emailed the company. The company is Skinny Dip. I emailed saying can you please bring back this phone case and make it a size that fits my phone and they were like we're a company no we're not bringing it back we discontinued it

and then I had a producer on my other podcast email them to be like would you ever and I was like maybe like multiple people asked for this

cell phone case they'll bring it back and they truly have been like no you played a clout card i tried and i'm really bad at it so i don't play it often yeah i was about to ask i always assume nobody knows who i am so i bought a motorcycle in december and uh the the guy was like well so what do you do and i couldn't think fast enough. I don't know why. I usually just say, oh, I'm a teacher or an entertainment lawyer. But I was like, oh, I'm an actress. And he goes, oh, that's pretty cool.

What would I know you from? And I was like, oh, I don't know what you watch. And then I was like, I host this show? And he was like, never heard of it. And I was like, okay. And then the lady who finished the financing part of it was like, so what do you do? And I was like, oh heard of it. I was like, OK. And then the lady who like finished the financing part of it was like, so what do you do? And I was like, oh, I'm an actor. And she goes, oh, what do I know you from?

And I was like, oh, this is a bad question. She went, what? And I was like, this is a terrible question. You called her on it. I don't know what you would know me from because I don't know what you watch. Yeah. And then she goes, I don't really watch TV. And I was like, oh, so you don't know me.

And it's just like the worst conversation. And then when I was buying my helmet and my gloves, the person who checked me out was like, my wife loves you. I know exactly who you are. You're really funny. And I was like, oh, thank you. And that's what the interaction should be. And if it's not that, then don't bother with it. Right. The next time someone goes, I'm an actor. Don't even try to figure out if they're well-known. Yeah, you're not a little detective trying to solve a mystery of why this person matters.

You're not Harriet the Spy in these streets trying to figure out who's him. What? Just go, oh my God, you're probably great. Or you're probably so funny. And people need to take

that lesson to heart too that they are not in fact Harriet the Spy. No. And people are trying to be Harriet the Spy. And nobody should, okay? And maybe you're just Rosie O'Donnell in Harriet the Spy. Rosie O'Donnell's in Harriet the Spy. No. And people are trying to be Harriet the Spy. And nobody should. Okay.

And maybe you're just Rosie O'Donnell and Harriet the Spy. Rosie O'Donnell's in Harriet the Spy? I believe she is. Wasn't Michelle Trachtenberg Harriet the Spy? She was the spy, but Rosie, I believe, was her little mentor person. This was back when Rosie was like the queen of family entertainment to a degree. She was? She had her daytime talk show. She had Christmas albums.

Have you ever seen, oh God, it's like this Lifetime movie that's like, that's my sister. Riding on the bus with my sister. I've seen clips from it, of course. I've only seen the most insane clips from this movie. It is. It was fully, it's like one of those performances like Tom Hanks and Forrest Gump where it's like, if this came out now, you would go to jail for this. I love Forrest Gump. But it is a wildly insane movie

where they just take away so much from black people. Like, instead of Elvis stealing from black people, he steals from a little boy in leg braces. What a wild just thought. Who came up with that? Forrest Gump is Big Mama Thornton in that movie. Uh-huh, apparently. I saw on Twitter someone pitch the idea of like, do a movie about Big Mama Thornton in that movie. Uh-huh. Apparently. I saw on Twitter someone pitch the idea of like,

do a movie about Big Mama Thornton where Elvis is the villain in it. And do like a little slice of her life where he is the antagonist. That's great. And if anyone's listening to it who's in Hollywood, you should do that movie. Sure. Okay, other loops we're going to break out of in 2020. Let's go.

Let's do it. What's a habit you do constantly that you don't love No maybe bad for you But maybe we can work on it today I love looking at people I've dated's Instagrams Just to see how happy they are What's the goal in that? What feeling do you want from that?

I don't know. I think it's to like hurt my feelings because then when they are happy and like posting about their happy lives, sometimes I'll just like start crying. And then after I cry, I'm like, oh, maybe I just need to cry because like I'm thriving too.

Having a significant other does not mean that person's like actually doing well. It's like I have to lose my mind a little bit to then be like, oh, okay, let me like come to my senses. Well, and too, it might be like a nice confirmation of we didn't work out and I know it's good that we didn't work out. And here's further confirmation of us not working out is a good thing. Yeah.

When you see other good things in their life. So in a way, it's like, yeah, I'm right. I stand by my decisions and I'm validated. Yeah, but I guess that would be a good thing to break. Well, is there other things that can make you cry more easily than that? Than like delving to the excesses of past relationships? I guess watching beaches. Every time I watch beaches, I cry. Oh, we stan Bette Midler, of course.

I love Bette. Bette is great. What other movies do I cry at? Sometimes I'll cry when I listen to Unchained Melody. It's one of my favorite songs. The OG? The Righteous Brothers one? Yes. Wow. Oh, my love, my darling.

I hunger for your heart. And for the listener at home, me and Nicole are ghosting each other right now. You're embracing and I am making pottery. It is beautiful. It's a gorgeous piece. And I've never felt closer to a host. I love it. And this is hospitality.

People think you shouldn't do this in podcasts, which is an audio form. But I'll tell you something. I am always doing something for your eyeballs in the studio. And I feel taken care of. Thank you. You're eyeballs in the studio. And I feel taken care of. Thank you. You're welcome. That's all I ever want, people to feel taken care of. Yeah.

But I love that song. I think that's going to be my wedding song. That you walked down the aisle to or the first dance? Oh. Yeah. Both, maybe. The one I walked down the aisle to, I think. Oh. Yeah. That, maybe. The one I walked down the aisle to, I think. Oh, that's lovely.

The first dance song, I want it to be this Big Sean song where, ah, shit, how does it go? It's like, I want to fuck you all day. If it was my job, I could fuck you all day. Oh, dang, how does it go? But this is good for a first dance choice because you want something that's not just, for the most part, when you go to weddings, it's just two nice, attractive people swing slowly and whispering. But you want something that is an act of aggression and sort of an attack on people who are there.

I just, okay. Fuck. What is the name of the song? Okay. We probably can't play this, can we? Maybe like 10 seconds? Is things copyrighted? 10 seconds is fine, right?

And it's commentary And like, everyone's crying. Your friends are crying. Their friends are crying. And then there's the lady part. This is gorgeous. This is the wedding you're going to have. I love this so much for you.

That's what I want my first dance song to be. That's beautiful. So everyone's like, oh my God, she's like beautiful and classic as I walk down the aisle to Unchained Melody. And then they're like, oh, she a freak when we play that for our first dance. There's layers here. You're not just one thing. Nicole Byer's not a monolith. No, I'm an onion.

I have layers. Is that from Shrek? It is indeed from Shrek. And I thought of it first. I didn't want to say No, I'm an onion. I have layers. Is that from Shrek? It is indeed from Shrek. And I thought of it first. I didn't want to say it, but you said it. And again, it's an act of hospitality to me. I love Shrek. Yeah, it's hard.

It's become, it's had a revival in the last few years. It's a great film. And I knew we would end up talking about this today. And I'm glad we got here this way. I mean, Donkey's an iconic character. We really breaks Shrek down into like humanizing him. Yeah. I mean, he is the man that I want to be for sure. I would like to be Shrek. Now, have you seen Shrek the musical on Broadway? Sure have not. I don't want it to like break this like ideal of Shrek that I have in my head. Yeah. And tainted with the commerce and capitalism of exploiting the IP.

Yeah, you want Shrek to be who he is. Yeah, don't explore the IP. That's, I think, the theme of 2020. That's right. Don't explore the IP.

That being said, check out Nicole Byer's new Star Wars podcast. I mean, it's coming. Maybe it's come. I don't know when it drops. Has it come? Uh-oh. Sorry if that's a spoiler Maybe it's come. I don't know when it drops. Has it come?

Uh-oh. Sorry if that's a spoiler. It's probably around now. Honestly, it's been real wild watching all these films. Like, Star Wars is so cray-cray. And then, like, you watch them and you're like, this could have been good. Well, and this is also maybe another form of you checking out the Instagram feeds of your exes where it's like, no, I'm validating my choice to not engage with this stuff anymore.

To have never watched these movies before. Yeah, it was fun. But now I've seen them. How often do you cry? Do you cry every day? Not every single day. But in December-ish, it's more because it gets darker earlier. And then I feel hopeless when it's 4 30 p.m and it's pitch

black and you're like when will it be sunny again and then tomorrow is like not really today so you have like true seasonal affective disorder they believe so whoa I don't like it like I really it gets me down and it's wild because I lived in New York for such a long time and I didn't realize that like during the holiday season like the back end of the year I would just be like I have to sleep forever yeah but I'm on ADHD medication and I've been taking I started taking

sunshine pills it's like their sponsor it's like vitamin D or something like whatever vitamin the sun is supposed to give you I now take in vitamin form it's the D yeah and I've been taking the D and I've been taking it good. Yes. And I like it. I take 2,000 Ds a day.

Wonderful. No, I was going to ask if that was your dosage and I would recommend that as well. Really? 2,000 Ds a day? I feel the thing you're describing was summer. I get so sad and depressed during the summer. Really? I feel oppressed by the heat. I feel oppressed by like, I come home and it's a furnace and I got to fire up the AC and it feels real bad. It's not what I want.

I have been growing to really enjoy the heat in the summer. I've been trying to become more of an outdoors person. Yeah. I used to be a real indoor girl. I used to be a real indoor girl in Texas because it's so dang humid. Yeah. It is very humid in Texas. It's also very humid like on the east coast during

the summer, which is disgusting. But out here it's kind of a drier heat. Yeah. But the humidity is coming because climate change is real. Poor Greta. She's been, you know, screaming at us. Poor Greta. And she's right. What would you ask Greta about when you when you have her on this podcast? What are you

going to ask her about? I think I'll be like, Greta? How did you figure out how to talk to all these important people about climate change? Who are you? And she'd say, Nicole, you have angered me. I am very upset at you. I am the author of all your pain, Nicole. Please don't do this to me. Is this a good impression?

I don't think I've ever heard her talk. I mean, she's German. She is German. And this is a bad Christoph Waltz, so maybe it loops around to being inoffensive again. Maybe. Mars was nodding her head yes, so I think you're doing a great impression. Do you think about Greta now anytime you fly or take a plane? Because I sure do. Why? Does she not want us to fly or take planes? She took a boat to be with us in the United States of America.

She took a fucking boat? Yeah. She's committed. Here's the thing. I feel bad. Climate change is real. There are other things we can do. I am not, I can't take a boat to Ohio. No, I understand that. You can't take a train to Ohio or at least it would take 15 days or whatever.

I have to get on these planes, Greta. Shout out to a buddy of mine who him and his girlfriend recently broke up, predicated on an argument started over Keurig cups and the environmental impact of that. They are bad for the environment. Yeah. These single use Keurig things are terrible. But where do you draw the line? Because then it's like, well, if you commute to this and you use X amount of gas and blah blah blah to get to your job where do you

draw the line, Nicole? It is super hard to draw the line because then you're like, okay so Keurig Cubs are bad, so is Amazon the conglomerate. Sure. And I tried I've tried maybe twice in my life to not use Amazon anymore it is so fucking hard. I know

This shit just comes to your door I mean, I've made selective choices where it's like, if I want to support a local bookstore, I'll just eat the extra $5 to $7. But some stuff, like, you literally just can't get other places. No, there's this vibrator that's only on Amazon. And when it breaks, I'm going to go to Amazon and buy a new one. It's called Tracy's Dog, and I still stan it. I love going to go to Amazon and buy a new one yeah it's called Tracy's dog

and I still stan it I love it it's great that's based on the old expression of like cause Tracy's dog is that like

oh yeah Tracy blah blah blah blah yeah I think it's like based on like those rumors that you hear in high school and it's like Tracy slopped some peanut butter in her pussy

and her dog ate her out can you believe it yeah my dog's ears just perked up. Yeah, this doesn't concern you, little buddy. Ew. You're talking about my cousin. That's very sad.

I, okay, I would never let a dog eat me out because their mouths are disgusting. Yeah, but do you let your dog lick your hand or your face? I try not to. He doesn't lick my face. Oh. I don't really love it when he licks my hands and I will wash my hands after he's licked them a bunch. Why did you want a dog?

Because I love him. Yeah. Look at him. He's so fucking cuddly. He's very cuddly and sweet. We like embrace each other when we sleep. Oh. Like we.

And maybe that's enough. Like I woke up this morning and we resembled that woman hugging her two children on Titanic with the water going under them because they're about to die. Oh my God. That's what we looked like. It was so cute. And that's love. That is love. I love my little animal. That's the thing. I think about this stuff with relationships though, because I feel, and you probably, do you feel lonely like on a, like a day to day or week to week basis? Or do you feel surrounded by love and friends? I feel surrounded by love and friends until i'm like these love and

friendships that i have are they're just different it's a different level of a person it's like when you know someone who's like your best friend but also you fuck them like that's a different set of intimacy to me that it is i would love to have uh but then it's like, I'm not trying to fuck my best friends. That seems insane. But like, I just want to meet the person that I'm like, I want to know everything about you

and I want to fuck you. And I want to like call you. The double whammy. Well, who's your closest guy friend who's straight? Because here's, and while you think about that,

the reason I ask is because I think about the closest people, the closest women that are friends of mine that are straight. And sometimes I feel like we were talking about like the lack of history with relationships or whatever. I feel less of a sense of urgency in the sense of like dating someone or like getting into a long term thing again. Because I do feel, hopefully not in a gross weird way, but in like a good healthy boundaries way, kind of satiated by that level of friendship, intimacy, and affection,

and, you know, secure attachment with one another. So I wonder if when you think about whoever that closest straight guy friend is in your life. I do not have any straight male friends that I'm close to. I don't talk to any straight dudes on the rig. Really? No, they're all gay. Has this come up on the podcast before? I don't talk to any straight dudes on the rig. Really? No, they're all gay. Has this come up on the podcast before? I don't think so.

Whoa. I don't have a, yeah, I don't, there is not a single straight man that I like text with. Hold on, let me look. Yeah, let's go back. And like, yeah, not coworker or business related or anything like that, but someone where it is like, oh, I just like you because I like you every man I have texted in the last two weeks is a

gay man well I texted my friend's boyfriend he's not like let's go down this rabbit hole well it's because I keep accidentally sending sparkling water to her house.

Okay. So I was like, is it at your house? And he was like, well, I don't know. She bought a lot of stuff recently because she's out of town and just has been getting shipped to her. And I was like, okay, well, it's addressed to Dragon Ball Z. So, like, that's how you'll know. This is not a friendship. This is not a friendship.

No, it's not a friendship. Okay. Well, this is... Wait. I'm proud that we've gotten, it's not a friendship. Okay. Well, this is, wait. Yeah. I'm proud that we've gotten to something that's sort of relevatory. Honestly, the only straight men that I have texted in truly the last month are my manager and my agent and my gardener.

Oh. And I don't even know if my gardener's straight, but he has kind eyes. Oh. And when I said that to him, he was like, what? He was like really weirded out by it. And I was like, how do I come back from this? I don't know if I ever did. Do you want straight male friends?

Like, why do you think you don't have any? I don't know. I think I just identify with gay men more. Okay. Gay men are more fun. They get my humor. When I get dressed and I look good, they tell me I look good. I feel like straight men will be like, the thing on your eye is good.

And you're like, my eye shadow? You like my cut crease? And I'm like, what is that? Yeah, I feel more appreciated by gay men. And there's a safety there, too, where it's like, this doesn't have potential to spiral out of control or get messy. Yeah, I can love you all I want, but you're never going to date me. You don't like what goods I have. That's true.

Yeah. But do you want straight male friends? Maybe you don't. Maybe that's okay. I don't know. Yeah. I like hanging out with straight men. I'm a straight man.

Is this going good? I don't know. Who's to say we're 44 minutes in and i still don't know you don't know no i'm kidding this is going what can i do to win you over this is going great i love it i yeah i don't know i don't even know what i would do with a straight man well i know and i do feel some sense of kinship with this, though, because it's easy for me to say, like, I have easy, close relationships with women that are also attracted to men or by women. process to sometimes be brutal and to be very difficult to find people who are like emotionally intuitive and are like actually fun to be around and are easy and are not parodies of themselves you know and and are like have the time and capacity because they're single i do find commonality with that with like where women who are attracted to men go through in terms like

dating and stuff because it's hard i think i have like three straight male friends and they're very close but few and far between not one yeah I'm literally going through a Rolodex of people I like hang out with

I'm like they're all gay men yeah I mean it's but you have like peers and people like that you work with sometimes and stuff

yeah sure like acquaintances that are straight male friends yeah but not like not like buds that I'm hanging out with and texting and calling. Come over and I'll make you dinner or like, how'd the date go last night? Stuff like that.

They're all women or gay men. Is it weird that I kind of want this for you now? Well, I kind of want this for myself now. Yeah. But then I'm like, I think my whole thought process is, well, if I'm friends with a straight man, I mean, get along. Why don't we just date? So maybe that's why I don't have them.

Because then that would require you being attracted to them. I want to have sex with them and other things. And maybe this like binary of like, if he's straight, I want to have sex with him or not. Has, you know, prevented you from having really fruitful, good relationships with men.

Maybe. Friendships, I should say. One straight male friend. I mean, I have like enough. Maybe. Friendships, I should say. One straight male friend. I mean, I have like enough, just like super close ones. Yeah. Where I was like, oh, maybe we could date. And then I told that to my therapist and she was like, oh, why would you want to date him? And I was like, oh, because X, Y, and Z.

And she's like, why wouldn't you date him? And I was like, oh, because X, Y, Z, Q, U, P, R, X, Y, A, B, C, D, R, F. And she was like, so I think you answered your own question. She's like, it's okay to have male friends that you don't want to fuck. And I was like, is it, Mary? Yeah, well, weirdly, even though we have such different backgrounds,

I think this is something that's true of people who grew up in the church as well or in like really religious backgrounds. Because if you're friends with a woman or friends with the opposite gender, then it can be dangerous or you don't want to lead someone on. It's like, well, if they're not like absolutely

just like your sister, i.e. the religious friend zone, and you're not looking to pursue them or pursue their hearts, then why be friends with them? And so that sort of like intergender friendship gets way devalued in some ways. So maybe you've experienced like an upside down version of it

in the world that you're in too. Well, I'm in the upside down. Stranger Things, season five, season five coming at you i don't know i don't even know what season they're on finn wolfhard if he's a straight boy maybe you won't be friends with him finn is like kind of cute he's like getting cute yeah whatever it's weird to watch kids grow up on television it's sad and i'm so worried for those kids and i think about them all the time so much money and i hope someone is managing it correctly i mean who, who can say, but it. Like I know California state law, I believe you have to put, or maybe it's like entertainment law. Like the parents have to put some of their money into a trust or whatever. But like, who's to say that at 18 years old, they're not going to

just like blow it all on cocaine and hookers. It's always a miracle. I'm sorry. Oh, that's right. Yes. We've translated. Yes. We don't call them hookers anymore. Flight attend a miracle. I'm sorry. Oh, that's right. Yes, we've translated. Yes, but you don't call them hookers anymore. Flight attendants, not stewardesses. Oh, it is flight attendants now, yes. Yeah, get real. You can't be calling someone a stewardess. I won't. I promise I won't do it again. Like, imagine being like, excuse me, stewardess? It sounds

hateful. Excuse me, flight attendant, please come. Excuse me, flight wench. Please come to the seat, my friend. Excuse me, I need a flight, bitch. I'm gonna say that the next time I fly and see if they kick me off the plane. I can't wait to watch on your Instagram stories. I'm gonna be on a plane next week and I'm gonna do it.

Do you have a straight male acquaintance that you would want to, like, kick it up to the next level? Is there anyone that comes to mind? No. No one? You know so many people. You have such a rich, full life. But there's zero well a lot of them are already in relationships a lot of them I've like

sure but you can still be friends with them even if they're in relationships wait what do you mean kicking up a notch kick it up a notch to like from acquaintance to like actual friendship in the way we're talking about or not even best friendship but just like close friendship I had one that I was like gonna try to like we should hang out let's do this and then he just had a baby so I was like, going to try to like, we should hang out. Let's do this.

And then he just had a baby. So I was like, oh, okay. Well, that's out now. Yeah, that's a tough practicality. Yeah, I don't know. I just feel like you're missing some parts of life. Is that strange? I don't mean that in a condescending way. It's not condescending. I just want you to like, have everything you want and need and be emotionally fulfilled and just feel like, not like you're consciously cutting yourself off from something, but it

just feels like, you know, there's a lot with the right people with like well-adjusted, emotionally mature adults, not like, you know, little boys or something, but like with those kind of straight men in your life that there's a lot to grow from and enjoy and learn with. And I don't know, I just like really value that kind of difference in my life too. So yeah. And I wonder how that would affect your dating too, if it wasn't just like, because probably what you're doing now with dating is so analogous to just being friends with someone plus the effin. Plus the effin. Right?

plus the effin. Plus the effin. Right? Yeah. Maybe my friend's boyfriend, I'll make him my friend. The guy you're texting about the Evian. About sparkling water. Yes.

Oh, I'm sorry. It's not Evian. Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me. It's Ben Pellegrino. I'm a fancy bitch. That's right. But I don't get the glass bottles because they're too heavy.

But I get plastic and it's like plastic is bad. Maybe I'll switch to the glass. Yeah, but there's no desire to kick it up with him. Oh, no, there is. Is there? I like him. I think he's really great. Yeah.

So maybe you invite both of them over and like just have not be a weirdo about it, but have like a little bit of intention to like get to know him and talk with him too. Maybe I'll just invite him over and be like, you're not invited. And then she'll be like, are you trying to fuck my boyfriend? I'll be like, yeah, bitch and talk with him too. Maybe I'll just invite him over and be like, you're not invited. And then she'll be like, are you trying to fuck my boyfriend? I'll be like, yeah, bitch. Try to stop me. I have honestly though,

like no bit found that one of the healthiest, some of the healthiest friendships in my life are with women who are married and oftentimes will like hang out in group settings or like one-on-one and stuff and like to obliterate any sense of weirdness or like the modicum or potential of emotional infidelity. It's like really helpful and healing in a lot of ways to me. So I guess I got to do it. I mean, you don't have to. It's your life. You don't have to

do it. It's a brand new year. I'm a new me. I think this should be a 2020 goal though. Truly. 2020 is the year that I hang out with straight men and not try to fuck them. Hey, are there any straight men you found on the podcast that you would maybe want to kick it up to a friendship with? Yeah, maybe. I don't know. I'd have to go through it. Yeah. I've done so many episodes.

197,000. And you have to think out of 197,000. Who am I trying to kick it up a notch with? Yeah. Well, Kevin, we've come to the end. This is the end. Oh, we just got to the good stuff too. Yeah.

But this is where. Hey, no, no, no, no. I can't argue with the clock. I understand. No, no, no. I wouldn't argue with it. A long, long time. No, I don't want to.

I don't want to set a bad example of straight men in your life. Yes, yes, yes. We've been talking for a while. I'm showing you the clock. Yes, ma'am. I respect it. It's your show and I honor it and I celebrate it. Do you have anything you want to set a bad example of straight men in your life. Yes, yes, yes. We've been talking for a while. I'm showing you the clock. Yes, ma'am. I respect it. It's your show, and I honor it, and I celebrate it. Do you have anything you want to promote?

Listen to Good Christian Fun and Inside Voices podcast. Okay. One of which you're on, I think. In the future. Hell yeah, dude. You can see the future. That's a fun time. Okay, I ask all my guests this.

I think I've only missed three. Would you date me? I would absolutely date you. Hell yeah, dude. But you know what? I would also be great friends with you if given the opportunity. But here's what I would say. Would you date me?

Do guests often ask you this? I feel like a couple people have flipped the script, turned the table, slapped me in the face and said, Would you date me? I'm like, I'm on very throat. You seem a little docile. Okay. But like down to clown and have a good time. Sure.

Yeah. Okay. I did you. Hey. Alright, so when do we get married? 2023. 2023. Too far away. Okay, 2021. Too far away. 2020, election night. Hell night hell yeah dude so we can remember it for one good thing we'll vote for trump and vote for love i'm voting for trump okay we're voting for i love him and that's who we're voting for this is very sad we're a couple we already have

differences you're reconcilable person we are for Trump. That's true for Trump right in the bin. I'm kidding. He's not for me. I don't think he's a good friend. Not for me is the understatement of the decade, perhaps. You know, he can't be for everybody. But yeah, that was not for me. I think a lot of negative thoughts about that friend.

Anywho. So if you like this podcast you can subscribe on like itunes and stuff and if you send me a nasty message i will read it aloud so this one says i would airily fillet you with my penis while you slide down that pole spinning clockwise to you in order to dock my penis in your vagina a very every rotation until your cum

lubes up the pole so we slide down to the floor and you spin around my penis like a stripper pole that one was really upsetting I didn't like it he went to my happy place which is pole dancing and made it nasty um okay i'm gonna read one more okay me and your dog are all ears my dog is so happy to just be out of the house okay so this person i think was trying to come on to me in a real way because

he slid into my dms and said hey do you like to have raw hot sex with middle eastern men or fuck a farm or whatever which i think he's referencing an earlier episode of my podcast but i don't know but also i don't want raw sex with anybody i don't know where you came from i don't know where you're going i'm not trying that another person hit on me by saying, no disrespect, but you're pretty. And I'm not sure what the disrespect is. Yeah. You know? Maybe it's in this day and age people like men say like, well, you can't even compliment a girl.

So maybe he's overreacting and taking that as disrespect. Maybe. I'm going to read one more. Nicole, I would pick you up, and yes I can, put a Tracy's dog up your butt, and then dip you in slime? Seems bad. After that, I'd take you to the Nick Choice Awards to show you off.

Seems like a felony. Also, not the Kids Choice Awards, the Nick Choice Awards. It's some guy named Nick, and he's choosing. He's choosing to have this award show. Okay, that makes it better if it's not like the Kids Choice or the Nickelodeon Choice Awards. After that, I would take you home and hide you so I it's not like the Kids Choice or the Nickelodeon Choice Awards. After that, I would take you home

and hide you so I could lick you like the lollipop you would be. Ooh. Yeah, that one was pretty wild. I don't think I should be dipped in slime

and then taken anywhere. Well, okay. That's it. Hey, that's it. We did it. Do you feel good about it? I feel really happy with it. I feel good.

I think this is a good episode. I think the people will be happy. Yeah, I'm just, I'm so happy we got to somewhere where it's Do you feel good about it? I feel really happy with it. I feel good. I think this is a good episode. I think that people will be happy. Yeah, I'm just, I'm so happy we got to somewhere where it's like, you said I've never thought about that before. Yeah? That was so fun for me. I've never, never thought about my- After a hundred plus episodes.

Straight male friends and how I have a zero. Zero that I call a real bestie. You know what? I'll say this, Nicole. If you want one, you got one. Sick, bro. Let's do it. My number is 732-989-2412968.

That's criminal. Oh, my Lord. The calls. The unsolicited texts. It's going to be problematic. Oh, very sad. I gave too many numbers. But, like, I'm sure I gave someone's real phone number in there.

In there is someone's real phone number. Possibly yours. And don't call them. It's not my phone number, but please don't call anybody. Be nice. Don't be mean. Yeah. Okay.

Bye-bye. Bye. This has been a Team Coco production.