Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Setting Yourself on Fire (w/ Vanity Jay)

Episode Date: June 10, 2022

Stripper and exotic entertainer Vanity Jay chats with Nicole about all things stripping and sex work. She shares the complicated nature of dating both customers and strippers from clubs, the time she accidentally burned herself lighting her pussy on fire, and the challenges of dating a jealous partner. Plus, they help give advice to a listener seeking sex position recommendations for their partner who isn't the most endowed. Black Lives Matter. Click here for an updated list of over 100 different things you can do to support racial justice.   Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where Municole Byer tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could push me out of bed. And when I say, ow, that hurt, you go, you're now a floor bitch. Okay, my guest today, Floor bitch. Okay, my guest today, I'm running out of these stupid little intros.

My guest today, I'm very, very, very excited. Vanity is a professional model, pole dancer, and exotic entertainer. It's Vanity J. Hey, how are you? I'm good. How are you? I'm good. How are you? I'm good. Thank you so much for doing this. So yeah, we were saying before we started recording, you were like, how the fuck do you know who I am? And I found you on Instagram. And I just thought that you were like, I don't know, you're just fun and effortless. And I had never seen and you like you strip, right? Yeah, I do. Yeah. And I have been to strip clubs, many strip clubs, and I very rarely see people who look like me stripping

plus size women, fat women, whatever you want to call us. So how did you start pole dancing? So I started in 2018. I went to a pole studio in Maryland and at first I was just like I just need like a a workout routine something that I can just like kind of get into because you know I was trying to be fit so eventually I started taking classes I think I took a twerk class and then I noticed it was poles behind me and I fell in love with the poles I was like okay so where can I take a class? I took my first class. It was horrible. Really bad.

Oh, no. Why? I had baby oil on me. Girl. I had baby oil. Just slipping and sliding. Baby oil from head to toe. Then I also had long sleeve shirts and long sleeve like you know like a regular pants

I wasn't I wasn't ready but that only made me come back and then eventually I just kept taking classes back to back and then afterwards I started teaching and I met like a fellow um you know she was a stripper and she was like you would kill it at this club so I tried their um amateur night and after that I just kept doing it so did you the place that you did the amateur night is that where you work now um so right now I work in different places but it was one of the places like the very first place I was working at oh okay did you have to ever audition to work at a club um I did I definitely did audition at first for one club um the rest of them is probably like, you know, they just let me go in and just start dancing.

Okay. Here's another question. So you have vitiligo, yes? Yeah, I do. I really love that you don't shy away from like showing your body. I feel like sometimes people feel some type of way about it. But I really like that you're just you seem to be very open about it. it but I really like that you're just you seem to be very open about it yes I all right so when I come down when it comes down to my skin um my skin was something that kind of bothered me when I was a kid I got bullied because I'm a New Yorker so I grew up in New York um so anybody knows growing up in New York in high school and elementary school is kind of rough. So, you know, I used to get made fun of a lot, picked on a lot. So, you know, it just took a lot for me to kind of get past it. But once I started finding the whole self-love routine, which I'm very big on,

you know, that's when I started like kind of, you know, kind of showcasing my skin more so. What is your self-love routine? So my self-love routine is every single morning I write to myself five things, five things that I love about myself. And I remind myself consistently every single day, even when I go to the club, even after I leave, because my line of work is very superficial and sometimes it can get stressful. But as long as I remind myself consistently, like, you know, who I am, how much I love myself, all the rest of stuff doesn't matter. I just think Vitiligo is so beautiful. I don't I just I think like different skin tones are really fucking beautiful, like dark women, lighter women. Like, I think everything is just so beautiful.

And when like I saw you, I was like, oh, my God, is just so beautiful and when like i saw you i was like oh my god she's so pretty and stunning yeah i just like i don't know i just enjoy watching you dance and i love it do you so like is this something you're open about with your family and your friends because i feel like sex work is a little bit you know you know people think some type of way about it so like like, do you talk about it with your family and friends or no? So my family are very old school. So I do not discuss too, too much with my family in regards to it. I just discuss enough for them to be like, okay, she spins on the pole. Cool. But nothing as far as like my club life now for my friends i think every one of my

friends know that i dance do you have like an onstage persona when you're dancing do you have to channel something like what are you doing when you're like moving that body okay so when i before i go on stage right i like i hate to say this, but I channel my inner Beyonce. Okay. So I channel, I channel my inner Beyonce. I try to think of myself as like, you know, I try to get into that vanity, if that makes sense. You know what I mean? Like vanity is completely different than, you know, just a regular me. You know what I mean? It's just like that person. She's powerful.

She's grateful. She's anything that she could be. Okay. How did you learn how to walk in shoes? I find it so fucking difficult to walk around in those shoes. And I feel like when you're stripping, it's like, that's the job. Like, you're there. You're in the shoes.

You got to walk around. And then you got to dance on top of that. So, like, how do you do that? Oh, God. So a lot of stretching. A lot of stretching. I can't add how much stretching I have to do. And ice.

Oh, ice after? Ice before and after. Damn. Okay. Okay. before and after damn okay um okay so have you ever dated anyone that you've met from the club oh yes i have oh yes i have both dancer and customer okay all right i love that how what's it like dating a dancer do you guys like share shoes like what is it like is it or is it like this is separate so dancing so dating a dancer is extremely extremely complicated being that our schedules are work at night sleep during day um and then on top of that

it's like you know i might get booked for a show you know she might get booked for another show so it's like our schedules always like kind of lapse each other so we never really get a chance to be like normal we're always in dance mode when we see each other so that was like kind of complicated but very much fun when we got a chance to dance with each other oh okay I love that that's like a sexy level to the relationship like dancing for each other or whatever, or dancing with each other. I love that. Let's see. You've dated dancers. You've dated customers. How do you, do you ever have to deal with, so if you date a customer, do you have to deal with them being a little jealous of what you do, even though they met you doing that so yes yes absolutely yes um it's always and i feel like honestly being a dancer your love life just kind of goes from like all the way up here so huge and it just starts narrowing down to like this tiny little pea-sized amount of people so because like one minute you know they'll be cool with it the idea of dating

you is awesome like oh yeah you know she's a she cool with it. The idea of dating you is awesome. Like, oh, yeah, you know, she's a she's a dancer. And then all of a sudden, the idea of you dancing for them, doing the same thing you do for them to someone else just starts to get a little complicated. Mm hmm. That makes sense. But also, it is funny that it makes sense because I'm like, yeah, I get it. I'm like, well, I don't want you to dance for other people. I want you to only dance for me. But it's like, well, I met you dancing for other people.

So I have to be understanding of that. Yeah, it's, trust me, I dated someone. God rest his spirit. He's still with us. I'm sorry. I was like, you're like, God rest his spirit. And I was like, uh-oh, we giggling

about death. He I was like, you're like, God rest his spirit. And I was like, uh-oh, we giggling about death? Nope. He used to sit with me in the clubs just to be like that protector. And just looking at him in the mirror while I'm doing like maybe a lap dance on someone, the pure agony on his face was just... Oh, no. It was painful. I could imagine. But also, I also i was like my dude you're there yeah you chose to be there and you picked the seat that's facing the mirror yep sipping

sipping his beer looking up at the tv watching football it was oh gosh yeah where do you get your outfits from i feel like it's i don know, shopping for just regular ass clothes is hard as a fat woman. I feel like, you know, like sexy pole shit. Like, do you have trouble finding stuff? I do. I have got turned down by a lot of people that make outfits. The moment I say, hey, I'm a size so-and-so, do you have this? And they just be like, no, we don't cater to you.

I have one person that says, no, maybe you should try like Victoria's Secret or something. So I was like, OK. So then eventually there's people that make custom outfits and custom fits. And I actually appreciate that because you get to have that creative aspect of, OK, I'm going to design my costume according to how I want it. So if I want to be like Catwoman and have some spikes coming out my ass, I can do that. So it's pretty cool. Like there's people that make custom fits, but the ones that honestly just sell online as a, you know, like a like a regular clothing boutique, those are the ones that, you know, you probably have trouble with because

shoestring thongs and plus size bodies it's not it's not it's not they don't go together sometimes no uh i mean yeah i had this lady i mean she's in new zealand but i found her randomly on instagram and i had her make me this like sexy little hamburger costume and i initially was like oh fuck is she gonna be like no too big too much fabric i'm like charge me more or just say no but she was just like really kind and really nice and like worked with me and it like bummed me out that that was my first intonation that i was like oh she's gonna be a bitch but then she like wasn't oh that's nice because that's number one if you being plus size they always charge for fabric

which is fucked up so what i would get that maybe like a size extra small would get i would be paying like triple the amount hmm i don't love that i think that's i don't know i think it's like if you have a size range and you're charging the same price for an extra small through large or whatever, then it's like, why not continue to charge the same even though it's a little extra fabric? I don't understand. It's like you have a size range and then you charge more for extra.

That doesn't make sense to me. Yes. Trust me. I think the most I spent on an outfit was probably like $250. Oh, okay. Yeah, $250, $ you know and if you seen the outfit you would have been like oh no what's this yeah um how often do you dance is it every night or is it like a couple nights a week so i recently just moved so prior to moving, I was dancing every night. Okay.

Damn. Yes. Every night from eight to two in the morning. She works hard for the money. Ba-boom, ba-boom. Ooh, hard for the money. That's, damn, that's a lot. It is.

Eight to two? Eight to two. Damn. Damn. Damn. Eight to two and then some shows in between that's a lot so okay you grew up in New York what was it like growing up in New York it was pretty cool like now that I'm an adult and I don't live in New York I'm like dang I actually had a pretty cool life living there but um it was nice uh always was traveling throughout the boroughs because i'm from queens

you know just exploring i was always getting into something the subway was my best friend you don't get to appreciate those things when you're older i'm just saying so did you ever run into like issues dating growing up or were you like always with somebody? Like, what was that like? So New York was complicated for dating because I felt like at the time of my error, which I won't say my age. I just felt like everyone was dating who was the who and who was the what. And I was a nerd so I was always in my books things of that nature so like I'm dating was just weird I think I only

had like one boyfriend from the age of like 13 all the way to like 17 okay yeah I didn't have any I well what I've never had a boyfriend too I can't even imagine dating in my teens I was like I don't know I I had crushes and I'd be like hi I like you and boys would just be like no thanks I'd be like okay well I guess I'll just continue with that crush see I think we actually know he so the person I was dating in high school he came on to me because we both was nerds it just made sense see I love when people find each other and I'm waiting to find my person so like has modeling and dancing like boosted your confidence or were you it's such a weird question because people ask me all the time

they're like how are you so confident I'm like why not why not be confident but do you think that like you know dancing and you know photography modeling or whatever has boosted your confidence or like enriched your life in any way honestly yes yes yes yes yes yes yes it definitely boosted my confidence. Man, I hate to say this, but I only wouldn't know what I would be without Vanity. Like, I wouldn't know because, like, it boosted my confidence. It honestly changed my life. I think, like, what?

Somebody well-known just recently said that dancing changed her. Cardi B, she said dancing changed her life. And I fully agree with her. I also agree. Like I, I was always confident and liked who, who I am. But when I started pole dancing, I was like,

Oh, I also love this aspect of me. That's like strong, like physically strong. It's hard to pull yourself up a pole when you are, you know, a bigger gal or whatever. But I'm like the fact that I could climb up a pole when you are, you know, a bigger gal or whatever. But I'm like, the fact that I could climb up a pole means that I'm really fucking strong.

And that's like really cool. It is. It definitely is. And then you start learning tricks and you're unlocking new things that you never thought your body was able to do. Then the flexibility part kicks in. Trust me, I know I went from sack of potatoes to sexy french fries real quick so I look trust me it's the confidence level like honestly pole changes like even if you just don't dance like if you do pole fitness I know a lot of girls that you know

personally said like hey I you know without my pole fitness routine like I would be in this predicament or I'll be in that so honestly it's a game changer yeah I I also I agree I like yeah I don't know what I would do if I didn't do I mean I would just like live my life but like I just wouldn't have that like creative outlet and you know I don't know I just I feel so accomplished like after I practice or whatever. Are you also a dominatrix? So I tend to hear that a lot, but I sway into that back and forth. OK.

Swaying into it. OK. So what does that mean when we sway into it? So certain shows, if it requires me to do so i will you know but like uh-huh i don't really know where to go with that outlet okay yeah but on a show definitely on a show absolutely okay so tell me what does a show entail so my shows entail of just everything inappropriate under the sun. Like what? Everything inappropriate.

Like high chances are with my nine inch heels, I'll pick you up off the ground. Wait, wait, wait. That's that. What a fucking dream. So you wear nine inch heels and you picking people up? Yes. Damn. These parties sound wild. They are. are oh my god so how many girls or people

are at uh parties um so it can be anywhere between like i say like 100 to 400 people damn that's a lot of people yes how did you get did you just start throwing parties or did like uh did you like go to a party you're like oh i can do this Yes. How did you get, did you just start throwing parties or did like, did you like go to a party and you're like, oh, I can do this too. Like, how did you get into that? So believe it or not, I went to a few parties. I liked it, but this industry is starting to turn kind of different. And I kind of like the old school way of doing things because I actually started doing burlesque

first, believe it or not. Oh, okay. way of doing things um because I actually started doing burlesque first believe it or not oh okay so I kind of like the whole old school version of just putting on a show entertaining things of that nature so I started like pitching my ideas but I kept getting turned down so I was like you know what I want to start my own and I'm gonna do my own stuff and I started doing parties from there okay when you say you like old school what exactly do you mean like yeah what is the difference between like old school and like what's going on now so old school it's like i enjoy the whole aspect of just putting on a show doing what you love

um because you love it not because i'm trying to be on Instagram or I'm trying to be Instagram famous or because I just want to do it because it makes me feel cute like look cute on social media like wholeheartedly you love entertaining people because that's the reason why like some of us get into the line of work that we do is because we are showgirls or male dancers are showmen and we love putting on a show for others so I feel like sometimes in this industry, that kind of concept kind of gets lost. And when we start doing it just because we want to do it just because we want to do it or we just want to look cute,

it just kind of, it's like, what's the purpose anymore? You know what I mean? The magic gets lost in it. Mm-hmm. I like that you seem to just have a genuine love for dancing. You say magic. I agree. I think

jobs shouldn't just be jobs. I think you should do what you love. I know not everyone's fortunate enough to do that, but I feel like you could take some time in your life and really figure out what you fucking love. Yes. Yes, yes, yes yes i've been in love with dance since i was a kid since i was what was that movie dirty dancing since i've seen dirty

dancing oh yeah what a dream i fucking love patrick swayze dirty dancing is such a good movie god rest his soul he's actually gone but i fucking love him Ghost is my absolute favorite movie but Dirty Dancing is it's it's one of my tabloids yes it is and I can do every single choreo from that movie really since I was five oh this I love do you do that in your shows I do sometimes I do I definitely do I will add like so my music that I use would be a mixture of different things so you never know what you're getting on a show for me like I might add some hip-hop you might get a little salsa somewhere but I always have like that surprise track that people's like how does she know this song that's what gets them I love that so wait are you picking people up in nine inch heels doing the dirty dancing like over your head shit yes yes i want to go to one of these parties this sounds fucking wild yes look it's oh my god

between that and fire tricks i love i love you do fire tricks yes okay so tell me wait real quick we have to take a break and oh we're back okay tell me about these fire tricks um have you ever like burned yourself i singed the inner part of my thigh when i decided to light my cat on fire not my God. Oh, my God. I did singe myself. That's, do you, like, practice? How do you get into firework? So it started with me, you know, I've always been a pyro as a kid. Mm-hmm.

So it started with me kind of playing with just, like, fire tricks, just, like, playing with a candle, taking some hairspray, creating a huge, gigantic flame. And then it went from just me like, okay, well, how can I incorporate this into my shows? So I started lighting hair mousse on fire, making a ring of fire around my body.

Then I'm like, well, this kind of put the fire kind of outs out real quick. So I wonder if I can put it on my body. So then I started doing that. kind of put the fire kind of outs out real quick so I wonder if I can put it on my body so then I started doing that I started lighting my butt on fire yeah and then it just kind of went from there that wait are there any videos on your Instagram of you lighting your butt on fire there's still some here and there but Instagram takes down all my stuff lately. That's rude. That's hateful.

They hating on you. Instagram's rude as hell sometimes. And then I started fire breathing, which is a whole new game, boo. So wait, what is fire breathing? How do you do that? I don't even know how you do that. Oh, it's real easy. So you can use paraffin wax.

Of course, don't swallow it, but just put it in your mouth. Wait, what are you can use paraffin wax um of course don't swallow it but just like put it in your mouth and just wait what are they called paraffin wax oh okay no the oil not the wax the oil okay you just put it in your mouth and you blow you just blow it out like almost like a spitting motion but you're doing it on a torch it makes a huge gigantic flame wow picking people up lighting shit on fire fucking slamming into splits this is very exciting sometimes some dominatrix shit going on um so who's a better audience uh straight people or queer people oh my goodness queer people i i feel like i knew the answer they are but like you started thinking i was, I don't even know why I asked.

It's definitely queer people. It is. How do you deal with like aggressive straight men? I feel like we're people. I'll just say people. I don't want to, you know, lump everybody together. Sometimes, you know, sometimes queer people get a little aggressive. So, yeah.

How do you deal with that? So I control the crowd. OK. And I guess that's where that? So I control the crowd. Okay. And I guess that's where that dominatrix vibe comes in. So I definitely control the crowd. I make people nervous. So I never had anyone like super, super aggressive with me, except for one.

She was trying to bite me. Bite you? Yes. Damn. Yeah, she was trying to bite me. I love how you say that so nonchalant with like just a cute little smile. You're like, this man tried to bite me. Yes. Damn. Yeah, she was trying to bite me. I love how you say that so nonchalant with just a cute little smile. You're like, this man tried to bite me. Yes.

It happens sometimes, you know? You might just have a drunk person a little hungry and you're walking past. A drunk person who's just a little hungry. I think it's, I mean, people sometimes when they meet me they're like oh you don't seem like the same person you were on stage as you are during this like meet and greet or whatever and i'm like oh yeah because i was performing there and now i'm just like kind of tired and i love that you are just like so sweet and you're like people are afraid of me i run the room uh nobody tries shit because i'm a little you know in charge of

everything it's just funny that you're saying it with such a smile on your face look i try i try but no they they sometimes it might get get a little rowdy but for the most part everyone's just having a great time though how often do you run into other plus-sized dancers because i truly feel like they're so far and few in between. All the time. There's actually shows for them only. Oh! Yep, in New York, Texas, Memphis, Miami.

Mm-hmm. Yep, there's shows. And then how would one find them? You stay. You know, that's a great question because sometimes I had trouble finding them. I guess it will start by finding that one plus size dancer. And I guess just asking her. It's kind of hard to find these shows, to be honest. Yeah, because I mean, I truly had such a hard time finding dancers who look like me to look at on Instagram. Yeah, just a hard,

hard, hard, hard time. But I did find like a nice little handful, which is good. Awesome. So what do you want to do with your dancing? Like, is there a goal or is there like, yeah, where do you see yourself in like five, six years? So I definitely have goals of opening two things. I like teaching people what I know. So like the art of entertaining, things of that nature. So I do want to open up my own studio and possibly my own club. I love, where would you do that? Like, do you have like a location in mind?

So I'm highly thinking about Maryland. I want to go to, yeah, I would love to go to a strip club where there's just like a variety of different people there. Because I feel like you only get to see one type of girl. And the club I like to go to in L.A., there's like one thick girl and she's like not even that thick. You know what I'm saying?

Like I'm just like, yeah, I wish there was like more variety. So, OK, what advice would you give somebody who's looking to like get into dancing oh there's so many advices um number one stick to yourself love yourself because this entertainment game like i said earlier it can be very clouded you could kind of lose focus of who you are as a person so as long as you stay true to yourself love yourself you're gonna go far it's this the be it's the be humble quality that's important um practice makes perfect keep practicing keep getting up every morning doing your yoga your kegels emphasis on the Kegels, you know, everything that needs to be done to stretch,

even a pole class, you know, it's a type of job that you never stop learning. So even when you get good, don't think, okay, yeah, I'm here. Like you got to keep continuing to, you know, grow. And then also put yourself out there. Like, don't be afraid or set yourself for limitations. Because honestly, the only person that can make a limitation on you is yourself. We're very critical of our own selves and our mind. So just if you see a show and you want to

do it, even if you're the only plus size or the only tall person or, you know, anything, just say, hey, I know what I'm capable of and put yourself out there because you never know what my, you if you're the only plus size or the only tall person or you know anything just say hey i know what i'm capable of and put yourself out there because you never know what my you know doors might open for you okay what kind of dating advice do you have like are do you are you on the apps or do you meet people in person like what are what are you doing? So, Facebook dating has been my friend lately when there's not creepy people. Facebook dating? Yes, it's new. I didn't even know about Facebook dating until recently.

Okay. Me either. I just found out about it right now, I think. Yep, Facebook dating. Only problem is you're dating within your mutual friends. Oh, interesting. And that, for me, is a little bit of a drawback i'm trying to find someone who nobody i know yeah um tinder i don't do that okay had to delete that one

why why did you why did you do that um i feel like dating as of lately is either like, hey, you want to date me and my wife? Or hey. And I'm just like, date you and your wife? Okay. Or the, hey, you want to be my sugar baby? So it's like dating for me is just awkward. And it doesn't help because all these apps say, hey, you link your instagram account and i'm just like okay and then they see oh she's a pole dancer hey you want to do a private look look it's i can't do it so right now dating is is rough uh-huh so rough okay so dating is rough how soon do you let people know what you do for work when you're

when you start dating someone is it immediate or do you like wait so before i try to like wait to see like hey get to know me as a person and love me for me and then i told them but of course you know they say i'm lying um or you know, you lied about who you are. And I'm just like, no, but you already know who I am. Yeah. Or, you know, I just tell them off a buck and then all of a sudden it just goes quiet. Uh-huh. And I don't hear from them ever again.

That is an interesting thing where somebody's response to your occupation is you lied. You lied to me. And it's like, well, if I worked at Target, does that mean I lied to you because I didn't tell you that I worked at Target? And I guess there is like a stigma attached to, you know, dancing or whatever. But like, I don't know. I feel like that's not a deal breaker. Or at least, I don't know know i feel like that's not a deal or at least i don't know for me it's not a deal breaker i don't really mind what somebody does for their for like their job or whatever that's so weird to me it's really rough but no i have came across um

certain people that are okay with it but it's just like dating wise it just didn't go far but we're really good friends you know they were cool with it i've only shown a couple of dudes my poll videos and one of them we stopped dating shortly after that and then the other one was just like oh okay whatever he didn't really care at all that's it okay yeah he's just like okay whatever okay okay let's add let's answer some questions so i asked my um listeners to send questions seeking advice whatever and if you have a question you can send it to why won't you date me podcast at gmail.com and this person said what are good sex positions with a man that isn't the most blessed in the size department he seems to fall

fall out a lot when we change it up apparently doesn't like it when i say things like are you in or does this feel good to you because i can't tell if he is sometimes but he eats pussy like a fucking champion so i'm not mad just curious how to change it up for him hmm i have the answer. Oh, okay. Easy one. Take a pillow, put the pillow underneath him, lay him down, ride him. Oh, okay. The pillow has to be underneath his lower back. Mm-hmm. And that's it. Problem solved.

Interesting. Okay, but what if maybe she's not good at riding? What's another position? I would say possibly missionary. Yeah, I think missionary. And I think if you put a pillow underneath you, which brings you closer to him, so he doesn't have to, you know, thrust as deeply down into you. you know thrust as deeply down into you also you laying on the bed with your legs off the bed

and him standing would be good I think you just need to remove that barrier of him being too far away yes maybe spooning but maybe not depending on your back size

if you don't have a big butt. Yeah. I think that might be okay. Yeah. Okay. This person says, so I've come to the conclusion that I will never experience a meet cute again. So I took up online dating for the first time.

Problem is I'm using hinge. And even though I noted that I'm down for anyone, regardless of gender, I guess there's mostly men on the app. And to be honest, most of them have horrible profiles. Their profiles are either vague or they post nothing but mirror selfies with the exact same position. They're flipping off the camera in some photos. Maybe it's petty, but to me, it comes off immature. Um, I just can't get a good read on them, uh, off of them. I am talking to a few right now. I haven't established times to go on

dates yet because i don't know when the conversation to end the conversation with okay do you want to do this or whatever when would you say it's a good time to fully ask someone out on a dating app vanity what do you think so me personally i would definitely i would say give them about I would say give them about two weeks to fill them out. And then I say like about a whole month, you can say, Hey, let's meet up. I know that seems like long,

but that gives you enough time to say, Hey, when I get bored sitting at a table with this person. So it just gives you a kind of vibe of filling them out first before you actually see them in person. Interesting. I have a very different thing i usually only let the conversation go back and forth for like three or four exchanges

over a couple of days and then i'm like let's just fucking meet because if you're boring you're boring if you're not boring you're not boring but like i don't want to like get to know somebody and then like like month or two months or whatever we've been pen pals i'm like oh my god what a dream and then i meet them and i'm like oh they're boring they're not as funny or as witty as their text messages i'm like i feel like i've wasted my time a little bit maybe i should try your method i don't know maybe i'm still single so I don't I do not think that uh my method is working out for me I don't know I don't know maybe that's what I'm doing wrong maybe I should just maybe we should switch yeah maybe I should take a little

bit longer to get to know people before I go out with them. I'm just such an impatient person. I'm just like, now, now, now, now, now. Let's see you. Let's do this. Let's fuck. Let's do it. See.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Real quick, we have to take another break. quick we have to take another break i have a question about your vitiligo um am i first of all am i saying it right vitiligo yeah you are okay so i know you when you have vitiligo you have to keep yourself moisturized but pulling you can't really use lotions and stuff so how do you combat being moisturized with like being ready to dance on a pole? And that's a great question.

Because when I'm too, too dry, my vitiligo gets really like irritated. Until I met this lovely young lady who makes her own pole lotion. Pole grip. She makes everything. She saved my life. So I use that. There's actually a lot of brands that make pole lotion believe it or not um that's either aloe based or like some type of plant-based uh product to keep you moisturized

and help you stick so that's what saves my life like i i don't care the last time i used lotion or baby oil that first pole class yeah that first class. That's when I used that baby oil. Yep, that's it right there. So did you do like a pole performance before you started working in the clubs? Or did you work in the clubs and then start doing like pole performances? So I started working in clubs, then did pole performances. Okay. What's like advice you have for someone who may want to like audition for a club? So the best advice I can say is you need to make sure your nails and your hair and your makeup is on cue.

Your outfit is on cue. And I want you to perform like it's your last. Okay. Because that is what determines so much. Like people really look at confidence. And if you're kind of nervous or timid, they're just going to treat you like that, the staff. Mm-hmm. So just have your confidence on 100.

All right. That's good advice. I think it's good advice for anybody looking for any sort of job, dancing or not. It's just like, fake it till you make it. And if you have confidence, people will just, like, I don't know, feed off of it. It, like, radiates off of you. And then, like, people are just like i don't know feed off of it it like radiates off of you and then like people are just like oh wow that person has like an air about them i don't know what the

fuck it is but like i like it and it's like it's me pretending to be confident yes fake it till you make it absolutely you can do a full split and often people are surprised that i could do a full split because you know a big bitch but like did it could you always do a full split. And often people are surprised that I could do a full split because, you know, a big bitch. But like, did it could you always do a full split or do you have to like work at it? I was able I was always able to do it because I was in cheerleading. Okay. All right. Oh, you were a cheerleader? All my life. like are you were you like on one of those teams where it was like a competition and you're like you have flyers and bases or whatever or was it like just dancing at a football game dancing at a football game okay yep so i was cheer captain um for almost every year of high school and then

when i got into college i was like i love dancing i want to be a choreographer so i started taking choreo classes okay yeah so literally you've just been dancing your whole life. Pretty much. I love that. And when you do burlesque, what kind of like, what is your burlesque? Do you like a persona that you do? I know you're like Mandy J. But like, is there like anything that you like to do in particular when you're doing burlesque? Absolutely. I will lip sing my spirit out to a song in a heartbeat and i love props everything you name it i love it i feel

like if i did burlesque i would just do a lot of like food based things like uh i got like a little hamburger bikini made and then i got a sexy little pig costume. I think the next thing I'm going to do is like maybe like a chicken. Okay. Or maybe a duck. I don't know. Actually, I kind of like the duck option. Like a sexy rubber ducky with like black thigh highs. Yeah, I like that.

I like that. Right? I think it'd be fun. Okay. Okay. You're getting, you got your theme right there. Yeah, that's my theme. Like cute little animals and food. Now you got your theme right there. Yeah, that's my theme. Like cute little animals and food.

Now you got to find your song. Ooh. What would my song be? I've been in a real Ashley Simpson mood. Okay. Okay. On a Monday, I am waiting. And by Tuesday, I am fading.

So yeah, I think that's going to be my song. That works. Now all of a sudden, you just got to create it, just mush it together and just let it formulate. Oh, I think I like that. I know you said you like a whole bunch of different styles of music, but like what is your favorite song to dance to? Oh, Pour Some Sugar On Me.

Oh, okay. I love it. That's like a classic dance or a classic song to dance to. Yep. I like that. Okay. I ask all of my guests this, but okay. Would you date me?

Of course I would. Oh, I love it. I love to hear that. Sometimes people say no. And I'm like, that is very rude. Can you tell me about your business page, which is for uplifting plus size and queer pole dancers in the community? It's a fearless curves pole.

What inspired you to start doing It's a fearless curves pole. What inspired you to start doing that? So fearless curves pole, I wanted it to be a place where people like me could just uplift each other. People kind of frown upon the idea of a man and a thong with heels on higher than mine. So I wanted a place, a safe place where people could be showcased people could feel loved and feel hey like this person is just like me and we just kind of support show love to each other and hey if somebody just so happens to come across the page we can educate them that hey pole is not just for the average size to female you know what what I mean? It's for everybody. I,

yeah, I love that. And I, I agree. Like it's, anybody can pull, anybody could do it. You don't have to do like crazy tricks. You just truly just like walk around it and like feel yourself.

You know, that's the purpose of it. I just wanted to educate, show love and build a community. Cause you know, people in the pole community were kind of tight knit. Just to wanted to educate, show love and build a community because, you know, people in the Poe community are kind of tight knit. Just to shine light that, hey, there is others in the Poe community that, you know, just need some love too. So, okay, you have a show called Sex Jam

Poetry on June 25th. Tell me, okay, so this Sex Jam Poetry, what is this so sex jam poetry is things of dreams so what i wanted to do was create the aspect of poetry and something educational because sex is not the most taboo subject that people make it out to see it's like it's sensual it's beautiful it's art it's everything so the whole point of section poetry is to have poets painters live nude painters exotic dancers um even like we're gonna have a public speaker she's gonna be talking about um just like intimacy with self and partners and i just wanted to be really an educational uh networking kind of thing for everyone. And hey, if everybody wants to afterwards get some wine, start chit-chatting and dating, I'm cool with that.

But I just really wanted it to be something of beauty to show that sex is not taboo. It's beauty. It's beautiful. I love that. Yeah, I agree. I think it is a thing of beauty. And I think for whatever reason, our society just makes it this like hidden thing that's like nasty or like forbidden or whatever and it's like no it's nice and a lot of people do

it and people get pleasure from it yeah it's it's and it and trust me sex is sex is way more bigger than what people make it seem you know it's it's really honestly an art um. Mm-hmm. Okay, City of Doms in Baltimore, July 9th. This is, what is this? Tell me about this party, this show. What is it? Yes, City of Doms is my team. So I will be performing with the City of Doms for July 9th in Baltimore.

So this is a queer, lesbian event. And I and I'm gonna be honest it gets a little wild what do you mean by wild are people just like fucking out there so look it look it's only one way to find out it gets it just me it just it gets crazy it gets crazy and we got some of the best of the best entertainers so I'm actually excited to be a part of the lineup. Okay. And now you're performing at Queer Fest in Miami. I am. And then, ooh, this is nice.

All ticket sales will go to reflect Queer Survivors grant for survivors of sexual violence. I think that's really great. Yes. So I was actually shocked to even be considered when I got the call for that. I was like, oh, wow, they chose me. How did they find me? And I got kind of nervous and excited at the same time. But when she told me the purpose of the show, I kind of like felt very connected, being that my best friend was affected by that. So I was like, you know, and unfortunately she passed away. So I just felt like this would be the best way to honor um you know and unfortunately she passed away so I just felt like

this would be the best way to honor you know my friend just to be a part of the show um and just do it so it's for a good purpose I love that I feel like you're in these streets just doing some nice shit thank you in an exotic way I love it thank you so much for doing this no problem I appreciate you oh thank you well we have come to the end if you enjoyed this episode of oh why won't you date me you can like you can rate you can subscribe on apple podcast I always forget and then if you run if you want to write a dirty message hitting on me you can write it to why won't you date me podcast at gmail.com. This one says, hey, Nicole, you must be a squirrel because I want to put a nut in them cheeks. OK, that's it.

Bye bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solo-Taroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode.

What a dream. What a dream. Ha, ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.