Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Sex Contracts (w/ Guy Branum)

Episode Date: September 30, 2022

Comedian Guy Branum (Billy On The Street, Bros) chats with Nicole about establishing sex contracts before a hookup, being a dom/sub in the bedroom, and the perfect sized bed for sleeping with your partner.  Black Lives Matter. Click here for an updated list of over 100 different things you can do to support racial justice.   Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? The podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could come in my cereal, mix it with water and go, it's the new plant-based milk.

My guest today is a hilarious comedian and actor who's written for shows like The Mindy Project and Billy on the Street. He co-stars in the new rom-com Bros in theaters today. It is... Guy Branum! Thank you, Nicole. Good to be here. Very, very excited to see the ghost poster you have in your home. You're the only person to clock it, and it's always within view when I'm recording this podcast.

Do you like Ghost? Ghost is an iconic film. I think the most important thing you remember about Ghost is it was written and directed by the man who gave us Airplane Really? Yes, I mean it's just it's a batshit movie but like, you know essentially only Whoopi Goldberg and Patrick Swayze

could have pulled that off They are two weird talents and their weird talents combined perfectly in that movie I agree I love Patrick Swayze in a way that's just like if i could raise him from the dead i would i mean the wonderful thing about a hot straight guy who's a dancer is you enter that weird like sometimes it's an uncanny valley but like when it's like oh he's aware of his own body uncomfortable with it but but not skeevy. It's always very appealing.

It's why Channing Tatum is one of our greatest light comedy stars. Channing Potato, because he resembles a sexy potato, and I say that the most lovingly. I think he's so hot. I love him. Magic Mike was such a delightful experience. It was so good.

But to your Channing Potato point, like the smell of the trailer park is still on him. And I respect that. I also respect that. Remember where you came from and keep it close to you. What a fun little song I just made up. I have a question about Billy on the Street. I have been revisiting Billy on the Street.

Is her name Elena who appears multiple times? Yes. Is she as delightful in person as I think she is? Yes. In order to explain the situation, one day for the movie Bros, we were shooting in Manhattan and truly Nick, the director, his parents came, a couple

of other people who had family who lived in Manhattan, their families came, and then Elena, who is essentially identifies as Billy's family, a couple of other people who had family who lived in manhattan their families came and then alina who is essentially identifies as billy's family she showed up and like billy wasn't there and i just like took her hard big takes for like 45 minutes and then became so tired like i was worn out and we just had to like shove another gay guy at her. And it was like, like four gay guys were depleted of their juices by the time Billy showed up. And it was just like, you know,

she was, she was coming hard for B tier actresses that you don't even think about. She was telling you what she thinks is bullshit and not bullshit. And she's just like, she's truly wonderful. I truly love that. Yeah. It is so wild that she,

and I said to my friend, I was watching it with, I was like, I really hope she's still in Billy's life. And to know that brings me endless fucking joy. No, no. She showed up.

And one of the talking points was her ipad had stopped working she needed billy to get her another ipad and it was brought up to everyone oh my god truly i how wild and magical what a treat she is such a treat i love her so much well i mean the trouble is that in los angeles people are only interesting to try to sell it on television where i feel like in new Angeles, people are only interesting to try to sell it on television, where I feel like in New York, people are interesting for interesting's sake. Yeah, people are just fucking weirdos

there, and I kind of miss it. Guy, how long have you been in LA? I've been in Los Angeles for nigh on 16 years. 16 years? There are children driving, driving, who were not born when I came here. That's wild.

Wait, so did I meet you out here or in New York? I guess I met you out here. No, no. We met in New York. It was a beautiful day. I was there for a job. It was either 2013 or 2015. And I knew of your work from elsewhere,

whatever it was, but we were doing Cabin and you came and it was the first time I saw you do standup and I was just like, this is insane. I don't want to believe that improvisers can be good at standup without trying. And then you were so fucking good

and I was just like, look at this creature we have in our world now. Thank you. good and I was just like look at this creature we have in our world now thank you my foray into stand-up was um strange to say the less the least the less I don't know whatever um a lot of stand-ups were like oh you're actually funny I got that like for the first two years I did stand-up people would be like wow so you're actually funny i'd be like yes i mean it's it's deeply insulting i always say uh in reference to my friends like um eliza skinner or people who started out in improv who then come to stand up and are really good i always feel like hitler at the 36 olympics watching jesse owens win everything it's like all of my theories about the world are proved wrong.

Turns out I didn't know what I was talking about. That's very funny. You made me into a meme. We did videos for your book. And I'm drinking wine and laughing at a book and, oh boy, the gays love it. And I, oh, it made me laugh so hard thank you so much for doing

that thank you for having me it's so kind i think you're so talented and so funny i remember when you were doing talk show the game show um at uh nerdist or nerd melt or whatever and then it became a tv show then i got to do the fucking tv show and it was so good. I was so surprised that it didn't come back. Thanks so much. Thanks so much. I was really disappointed that it didn't come back. I thought it was really good, but all of it lives on HBO Max now,

which is lovely. So people have been finding it along the way. And it's, you know, it's one of the nice things about this energy, about this career, not having any stability is like, you get to go and do different things like i mean i'm sure 10 years ago you never imagined that your career

would involve yelling about baked goods and now like a solid chunk of it yelling about baked goods and then there will come a time when there are fewer baked goods involved and you'll be like this is a beautiful career too you are absolutely right can you answer me this the name guy comes from where have you been asked this a lot no uh people people don't really they say that it's weird or whatever um but it was like it's a it was my grandpa's it was my dad's dad's name okay but it also was passively functionally hebrew and so it was like agreed upon even though uh jews aren't supposed to name people after living people but my dad wanted to name me after his dad and my mom was like all right that name but also there's a weird

thing where no one called my grandpa guy everyone called him by his middle name bentley so um i was just called my middle name michael for my first five years which means that periodically an old uh southern relative uh will just refer to me as mackie that's funny i the name guy is fun for me because I feel like, I mean, you told me the story, but in my brain, your parents were like, look at this little guy. Yeah, he's a guy. Oh, that guy. Guy. I'm like, what's his name? Guy.

He's a guy. And that's how you got your name. Well, the most annoying thing is that it's a word people are saying all the time. So I constantly think people are like calling me or talking to me. So I spend a lot of time thinking that i need to get involved in other people's conversations i mean i don't think people are always talking to me but i'm always trying to get into people's conversations i'm the nosiest bitch around i uh i was on the set recently and every time someone had food i was like what is it

yeah they'd be like oh i could get you some i'd like, I don't want any. I just need to know what you're eating for my information. No, absolutely. I feel like one of the great dangers of COVID is that it gave everyone a healthy sense of boundaries. And I don't want those boundaries. Me either. I want to meet people at a bar. I want to have fun. I want to learn about your life. Same-sies. Okay, I'm going to ask about your life. Guy, are you single? Are you married? Are you dating?

Are you not dating? Tell me about the romantic status in your life. I am single. I am not in a relationship. I have been in one relationship in my life. I have a couple of people who I have sex with on the semi-regular, and then I have other people who are strangers who come over for, you know, just guest star appearances. Sure. Yeah. So there were car rings. Where did you pick them up from? I mean, generally, it's just, are you familiar with the Grand Banks off the coast of Newfoundland?

No. The Grand Banks are just like the best cod fishing area in the world. You throw out a net, there's shit tons of cod that come. West Hollywood is essentially the Grand Banks of Grindr. Like, you throw out a net, you're going to come back with a large number of fish. And so, the recurrings are mostly people who are like i mean the thing about grinder in west hollywood is like everyone is essentially three blocks away who comes up on my phone and so there are just some people where it's like hey you're not doing anything at 11 in the morning

and i'm not doing anything at 11 in the morning we should just you know do something at 11 in the morning i love that you're having sex at 11 in the morning this does it for me i have only had morning sex a couple of times a handful of times i would say and boy oh boy is it a nice way to get your fucking day going i mean i'm a big fan of it but i also am very self-conscious about the way that, like, as a gay man who came of age, like, 20 years ago, like, I do take the most procedural and business-like approach to sexual encounters. Like, is there a lot of romance? No. Like, there's a lot of, like, scheduling and certainty. Essentially, you know, I've generally hammered out a contract before i see the person in in human form

and what does your contract entail if you don't mind me asking i mean most of the times it like it depends on what i'm really in the mood for but like a lot of the time i'm not in the mood for for full-on doing it in the butt like a, a lot of the time, I just want someone to come over and to, like, know that they'll get naked in front of me. That's the big win, is them getting naked in front of me. Okay. But I'm, you know, like,

like, oral handjob, frottage, that kind of thing. I also, more with the recurring players. I like playing power games and verbal games and stuff like that. But it really requires a skill set that not everybody has. And there are some of- Wait, what is a power game? Just sort of like, you know, like playing games with who's in charge, likeiliation, orders, that kind of thing. That's fun!

Yes. I've never done that before. I think I would like someone to tell me what to do. Uh-huh. I think that's, like, pretty hot, to be like, okay, tell me exactly what you want and I'll do it for you. Well, no, that's the thing, is that, like, you and I, as performers, are very similar

in that we're very much in control and I think that there is a lot of challenge and fun that comes with like giving up control and letting somebody else uh play that role yeah I'm a real sub and I need a dumb daddy to tell me what to do. I don't think I want to be tied up, though. I used to, but I think that's a little too much for me. I have very little interest in that. I only want the psychological, like, you know, for me it's primarily about the psychological games. And sometimes it can be fun to, like, figure out

what other psychological games, like, other people like. But I do think I would be a more successful gay man if I were more into like straight up leather and bondage and that kind of stuff. Ooh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I do like a leather daddy. Do you watch the Family Chantel? I don't, what is the Family Chantel?

Okay, the Family Chantel is a spinoff of 90 Day Fiance and Chantel's mom, Karen, wears a leather daddy hat. And it just makes me happy, because I'm like, I don't know if she, like, knows that's a leather daddy hat. But yeah, I have a whip that was left in my house from the previous inhabitants that I just keep, because I'm like, I don't know, maybe I'll need a whip one day yes i mean it's good to have for like i have some nice soft rope in case anyone needs some nice soft rope i mean there are probably other people who would prefer scratchy rope but it's what i've got that's so funny i have nice soft rope what a treat that's so funny to me guy tell me how did you get into writing? Was it from stand-up? Yeah, I mean, it was like, I wanted to be a writer, but I didn't know a path in.

And I've always said the thing that I liked about stand-up was you only have to believe in yourself for, like, 90 seconds to write a joke. And it was just a way, I think if I had just tried to be a writer, I would have never shown it to anyone or like known how to like put it out there and the wonderful thing about stand-up is like you're always having to put it out there and you're always getting feedback and so i like i graduated from law school i knew i wanted to do something creative and wait you went to law school yes i went to law school i assume this i did not know yes i assume everyone in stand-up knows it and i

assume it's annoying i i'm playing a lawyer on an apple plus show and truly no fewer than 50 people have said to rose burn did you know guy's really a lawyer and it was like really annoying because there was also a pa there who had been both a lawyer and a marine and rose burn just kept being like cornelius is a lawyer and a marine that's very funny wait what kind of law did you go to school for and did you pass your bar i passed the bar and you know you just sort of go for general law stuff and i figured out like that i didn't want to do it pretty early but i just stuck with it and then my only job nicole it was very terrible it was when i was starting stand-up and it was for an insurance defense firm and i um there were a

bunch of women who had gotten cancer from exposure exposure to toxic chemicals and i had to try to make their most embarrassing medical facts admissible so that they would settle out of court for less money and i did that for like six months and i was like i can't do this and wow wait what does admissible mean like not held up in court to be able to put it in court because like normally if you come in and you say i have cancer like somebody isn't going to be able to say, well, you, like, to say, this person had an STD. Maybe that caused her cancer or whatever. And it was just like, it was truly just like the worst kind of bad lawyer. Just like humiliating these women.

Yes, it was like truly terrible. And I did my best to be bad at that job. And then I left that job oh boy law is very interesting like i just learned that the mcdonald's lady you know where there are like frivolous lawsuits she had third degree fucking burns on also also that's how we fucking run things in this country like in australia or england there's a law that says how hot coffee can be here we don't have laws about everything. What we have is if you fuck up, you have to fucking pay.

Because, like, in Britain or Australia, if you fall down, if you spill coffee on yourself, you get, like, five grand or something like that. But here, we have those big, like, tort settlements because, like, the United states government isn't telling you what to do with everything you do but you you can do what you like but if you fuck up you better fucking pay it seems like we did a lot of things just like wrong they should just yeah there should be a limit to how hot you can make coffee yeah um also why do we use Fahrenheit? I just learned that in Fahrenheit, freezing is 32 degrees, and in Celsius, it's zero. Yes. So, seems like we made shit harder. Yeah, I mean, like, we as a country really like being like, you can't tell me what to do.

I'm gonna do this my own, like, stupid way. Yeah, this country was founded by a bunch of toddlers who were like no no also now no one is willing to change things because they're like this is how it has to be yeah it doesn't have to be we could start using cellulose to my cellulose we could start using cellular wireless no celsius tomorrow if we wanted to i mean yeah it does sort of it is kind of ridiculous that we don't use the metric system that we're still trying to figure out what a quart is what a quart yeah i don't know what a quart is is it close to a gallon a gallon is ours right yes gallons oh my god a cup what it's. I don't know. Kilometers? We should do kilometers.

What are miles? Oh, can I tell you a really dumb story about the metric system? Please. Okay. So I was, it was one of my first years in LA and I was supposed to be going to Bar Marmont. And I went to, because I had been to the bar in the Chateau before. And I went there thinking that that's what it was. And, like, mean lady with a clipboard, like, was being real high status at me.

And she was like, this is not Bar Marmont. This is the Chateau Marmont. Bar Marmont is about 50 meters that way. And then I was very pissed off and a little drunk and i said uh how many kilograms away is it and to which she replied that's a measure of weight to which i replied no bitch that's a measure of mass and then i walked away real real smug you know what we all need that i have moments like that where i'm like got you good bitch and there's no way you're knocking me off this high horse even if i was wrong i don't care it happens a lot at the airport yes i am constantly screaming at people at the airport

about what everything i do not understand if you are not okay so delta they do um yeah everyone has zones yes if you're not zone one or diamond fucking medallion status or first class what are you doing standing right there it's very annoying it's very annoying if you're zone seven sit down because you're the last people on. I have to like, I made diamond medallion status this year and it means a lot to me. And I've, I've done almost nothing with it. I'm so sorry.

God bless. It can be, it can be very, very frustrating that the people just stand there and get in the way. I get that. I love an airport. I missed airports very badly during the pandemic. I came to a point where I was just like, I haven't been in an airport in forever airports very badly during the pandemic i came to a point where i was just like i haven't been in an airport in forever i just want to i just want to walk the

way that they have like peloton things where you can like race through the mountains and stuff i want a treadmill where i just have like virtual reality like hermes store and cininnabon that I get to walk past. That is honestly, I identify with that. I spend a lot of time in airports. I was just, I was in Montreal last month for JFL. Did you go to JFL? I did not go this year. Well, I went just for a day and I hung out in the Maple Leaf Lounge. And let me tell you, Airada does not do it the way

delta does it ed bastion current ceo of delta is crushing it in the lounge game i don't know who the ceo of air canada is but they're doing a terrible job my seat was also made out of carpet and i was just very angry and they only they did okay so delta you get there is a spread yes and it's delicious and a bartender yes the maple leaf lounge had me pour my own wine oh wow they had swedish meatballs and sandwiches with mustard on it in bags i mean this is the kind of sensible behavior you get from a semi-state run airline, you know? Like, this is what socialism brings us. Well, I don't want it.

Give me capitalism any day. Ed Bastian crushing it over at Delta. I'm kidding. I don't love capitalism, but I love Delta and I love Ed. I just want to be his sugar baby. I love Ed. I just want to be his sugar baby. I am now so, like, I feel so bad about how much I care about Delta and their systems.

Like, if I'm going to have a layover somewhere, does it have a Delta lounge? How many miles am I getting for this? Like, it all means a lot. Where's your favorite place to have a layover? Oh, Minneapolis. I love Minneapolis. I used to live there. Like, they have a bunch of restaurants where you just order off of a weird screen, and I enjoy that.

Okay. And so you have the massage places at a lot of airports. There's a fucking chiropractor in the Delta Journal in Minneapolis, and I don't understand how it's legal, but I will fucking get an adjustment in between my flights. I don't think I've really taken in the Minneapolis airport as much as I should. I love Detroit, and I love Atlanta.

I almost never go through Detroit. And Atlanta is just always a good time. I was always so scared of the South. Because like I never worked there because I'm gay. And before essentially 2013, they didn't have any need for me. And then the writers from Totally Biased with W. Kamau Bell went on a little tour and we went to Atlanta. And I was like, like the south location of laws

that don't like you know women or gays or people of color and everyone was so nice and doing so well like everyone was just like i make a nice income they were the let nicole the lesbians of Atlanta turn out so hard, so perfectly put together. Like, butch lesbians with just, like, impeccable looks, impeccable ruby red braids. And you're like, I didn't know that this kind of lesbian was possible. It is magnificent. I do love Atlanta. Atlanta goes hard my favorite was during the pandemic

productions down there were the wild wild west because nobody in Atlanta gave a fuck wild I love Atlanta I don't want to generalize it but everyone I've ever met who's from Atlanta or when I'm in Atlanta has been so wonderful and it is also one of those things

and like the laughing skull like the little comedy club that they have or when I'm in Atlanta, has been so wonderful. And it is also one of those things, and the Laughing Skull, the little comedy club that they have, is so great, and you just realize, oh, the city is wonderful. 45 minutes outside of the city is probably terrifying. I think 45 minutes outside any major city is truly horrific. Okay, one time I flew into raleigh on

like a dead eye a red eye and then i had to drive to wilmington north carolina and i like the only thought in my mind was gravy i'm going to be getting gravy from the source halfway in between raleigh and wilmington i am going to go get breakfast somewhere that is going to blow my mind. And I got to said breakfast location, like truly in the middle of nowhere, eight agricultural workers like eating there. And I walked in and it was one of those moments of I should not open my mouth. The minute I opened my mouth, I am saying faggot right here. And like I was truly and I'm sure it would have been nothing but i was just like my natural enemy surrounds me it was terrifying i've been in places like that where i'm like oh no everyone's staring at me i'm the only black person and then and then i don't want

to talk and i'm just like you know you take out a mirror and you're looking at your face but you're also just looking behind you and you're like please i don't want to talk. And I'm just like, you know, you take out a mirror and you're looking at your face, but you're also just looking behind you. And you're like, please, I don't want to get murdered here. I want to be murdered by, I don't know, anybody else. Not like a racist murder. You know what I mean? Okay, let's discuss this. Where do you want to be murdered?

Like, I do think pushed off of a yacht in like Monaco waters is a good option. Some sort of like drug deal gone wrong at like an upscale casino. Yes. Like these I feel like are the murders I want. These are all very exciting. I think I'd really like to be pushed off. I can swim though. Yeah.

So like I don't, I think it's like try again, again bitch if you push me off a yacht fair but if a drug deal goes wrong and there's you know gun bullets being sprayed then okay but then i'm like so many people are dying oh my god am i gonna make a fucking no i won't go there i was gonna i was like how cliche to die in a mass shooting. It's a joke I shouldn't make. But they're so common, it's very wild. Yes. I mean, it's very hard as a comedian to both be respectful of people's trauma and try to be helping people manage the trauma of dealing with it. And with mass shootings, it's so specific so many people have um been through

them do you know who scott thompson is from kids in the hall yes the gay guy from kids in the hall like he he was in a school shooting in canada in like the 1970s like to just really yes just to but the jesus fucking christ i mean fucking Christ, it just happens everywhere. And just sort of remembering, like, you know, we all feel like main characters. We all feel like we're like going through our life and that it truly is just like you could be at a fucking Walgreens and next thing you know, you're dead. Which is like fucking depressing that you just have to like worry about shit like that. I was in Oklahoma. I don't know if I've told this story on the podcast,

but I was in Oklahoma with my friend Christy Cello and this woman ran into the green room and she was like, there's an active shooter. There's an active. And we were like, oh my God. And then our host kind of like ushered her out and like grabbed a server or whatever. And it turns out it was a drive-by i was like just

a drive-by there was a drive-by like um a couple uh businesses down but our host like closed the door and he's like i'm gonna text the the manager i'm gonna get this uh together or whatever and christy was like really really upset and like really really scared and i very calmly was like i sold out my show so there's a lot of people to get through before they get to us and she was like how are you so calm and i was like how am i so callous yeah i was like that's so fucked up that's so fucked up that that was my first fucking thought also just the world we live in that you're having to try to practically deal with sort of yes um that kind of of chaos like it is so scary i um two years ago wait when was it no it was last year um i went for vacation to corsica this island off

france and i found out it's the murder capital of europe and i got really scared oh my god and then i saw a really wonderful news report where an old man said oh it's not a problem the people who are getting killed are supposed to be killed and it's just all mob violence and i just realized how much i would love to live in a country where everyone who's getting killed is supposed to be killed how wild that is a wild take on shootings and killings and stuff i I have a question for you. Please. The thing is, is like, I so frequently will just lay my experience of stand-up over other people's experience and figure it must be mostly the same. But I am also a creepily gigantic man.

And so I go alone all over the country and it's just fun. You know, I do dumb things and get into, you know, weird scrapes and it's just fun you know i do dumb things and get into you know weird scrapes and it's fine and do you as a woman like are there times when you feel uncertain do you take like a feature act with you so that you have somebody with you or what's the story uh i'm very blessed and lucky to be able to bring uh my friend christy cello she comes with me to a lot of places it is nice to have somebody there uh i did spend a long time touring by myself and when weird shit would happen i would just be like well i stay in the hotel and i toured with ucb tourco for a while too so sometime like I remember we were in Kansas

and we were like hanging out with the students and we were like where do people go to drink and one of the kids looked at me and was like the black kids go to this place called The Noose and I was like cool and the minute we got in the car I was like can we not go out here I mean if you guys want to go out that's fine but like I really need to go back to the hotel

and they're like nope nope we're gonna drink in our room we got it and it was just it's nice to like be with people who are like, I really need to go back to the hotel. And they're like, nope, nope. We're going to drink in our room. We got it. And it was just, it's nice to be with people who are like, yeah, I was fucked up. Yeah, we're not going to deal with that. But I've never like felt like I was in danger per se. I've only had like weird things like that happen. And it is just sort of like, it's nice to see other parts of the country but there is also just something so weird about when you go into a bar in oklahoma and just everyone's smoking openly and all of like it's just like wow these these really are different places with different vibes truly wild like i was in oklahoma right after biden won and boy was it the same vibe as la

when trump won yeah and i was like wow and i only saw one other black person that day and we nodded at each other pretty emphatically and smiled to be like we're happy about this right today's a good day so yeah it's uh touring the country is strange yeah um and you you just get to see so many different things do you have chuckle fuckers when you go on the road i mean like not usually like i mean like i'll have people like generally, like, gay guys and nice, stable couples or heterosexuals who come to my shows. But then the weird thing is, is, like, going out afterwards and, like, going to the gay bar and having, like, 15 different gay guys recognize me and then be like, are you doing shows here? And it's like, of course I am. And, like, they're not going to come to them.

Like, going out gay guys do not come to my shows. They're busy going out. Yeah, it's like, you know, sometimes there are people who can like definitely come with an agenda of, I generally prefer if they're just sort of like, we're going out after this. I like that energy. But when it is somebody who shows up and they're like, I'm going to have sex with you, I'm a little bit like, that's a little presumptuous. I don't know about that.

You know, like, I think I do sort of need to feel like I put some work into it to really be interested in something. Who knows? Fair. I'm the opposite. I want to do as little work as possible. And I would like for someone to be like, I think you're really hot.

Do you want to go somewhere? And I'm like, okay. And I know I say that now. And the minute it happens, I'm going to be like, oh, stranger danger. Oh, like, you remember the scene from Tootsie where Jessica Lange tells, like, Dustin Hoffman as Tootsie exactly what she wants a man to do, and then he comes up as a man and does that, and then she throws her champagne in his face.

That's me. But it's also just, like, I, like, it's weird. Like, when I decide I want to hook up, I truly am just sort of, like, comfortable with whatever it is. But I think when somebody approaches me, there are so many, like, other things that I want to sort of, like, poke and prod about them. And including, like, it may be a problem. Because sometimes I look back on very hot guys who were just sort of like just coming at me hard. And I'm like, why did I slow things down? What on earth was I doing?

Yeah. I don't know if I've ever been hit on by someone like super, super hot. No, I have. I pull some real hot. Yes, I'm sure. I'm like going through my little dick ejects in my brain. And yeah, I don't know. I don't know why any of them, none of them want to stick around.

Okay. I will say most of the time that like a guy I considered very hot was being very forward with me. One of the questions in my mind was just sort of how drunk is he? Like, does him coming at me this hard reflect not good decision-making skills? Why do you feel like that? Wait, real quick, we have to take a break. Okay. Getting right back into it.

Okay, why do you feel that way? Like, just sort of i have not been frequently told by the world around me that i am a desirable kind of person and i think i always sort of want to understand what it is that is making me appealing to someone and when there are times when it's very clear to me and i get it and there are times when it's not clear to me and i'll be uncomfortable and i don't know that that's necessarily a good thing i think that's me needing to have too much control but i would like to go back to something you just said like when you were saying why don't they stick around like is this a real like a really

i mean how true is that how how much is it a joke and how much is it true like have there been that many people who you you wanted to stick around who didn't well i wanted this one dude to stick around like right before the pandemic but like it was increasingly clear as we continued dating that he did not like me. He like fundamentally was not feeling it. In what way? I think I annoyed him. I was late a lot. And he was pretty loud and gregarious.

And I think he was used to being the funny person in the room or the funny person in the relationship. So I don't think he would like laugh but then try to like one-up me sometimes and i'd be like oh is this like a are we doing a funny off what's happening like that's that's so rough one time a parna was telling me about a date and just sort of the guys who date comedians only because they want validation for the idea that they're funny. It is like, what a fucked up situation to be in. And like, men are terrible. Yeah.

Yeah. Also, I have not been told by society that I'm a desirable person. So when someone is super into me, I get a little suspicious and I'm like, what do you actually want from me? Like, do you actually find me attractive? And it's a shitty thing to say. Cause like I find myself fully desirable and fully attractive and my body's for me, it's not here for other people's consumption. And you know, I get that or whatever, but then it's just like, well, when you are dating somebody or someone hits on you or whatever, it's like, well, what is your end goal? Do you like this fat body?

I mean, the trouble with body positivity is there's this notion that we're supposed to radiate out so much confidence and self-belief that that makes things fine without, like, the world changing. But we still live in the world, you know? without like the world changing but we still live in the world you know like we still like live in a world that thinks it like that our like our bodies don't deserve good clothing that our bodies you know like all of this shit is coming at you and it's sort of like ridiculous to expect that we can just sort of like imagine our way out of this situation and you know like it had there it has been hard for me at times to be able to just sort of say like no like this guy is into you this is good enough and i think more than that just being able to get past things like sex is fun with anyone you're having sex with, you know? Yeah.

And to just sort of be able to accept stuff like that instead of having to be aware of the ways that, like, I'm not serving up what normal gay guy is supposed to serve up. Yeah. I went on a couple of dates with somebody and I was like, do you? And I was just curious. I was like, do you just date fat women? Which is, I still don't know if that's an okay question or like a turn off or whatever. And they were like, no. And I was like, okay. And I was like, but you like my body? And they were like, yes, I like big butts and I like tiny boobs and that's what you got.

And I was like, okay. But I was still like, I don't know. I feel like sometimes I'm like, oh, is the rug going to get pulled out from under me? Because it has so many times. Or like, are you trying to trick me? But that's like unkind to myself. But it's just like, you know, you've seen so many movies. Like, she's all that, you know.

That was a bet bet and she was a thin woman with glasses so it's like and i'm fat and i have glasses i mean i i hate teen movies about already hot person getting makeover so much like that there's never sort of like an organic story for how it works for somebody who is sort of coming from a little bit more outside but like the thing is is i just have to like i want to know that the person is getting everything that they need and i want to know that they love me you know and that and that is sort of the thing of like there's this one mus one muscly, hot, like, chubby chaser in West Hollywood who, and, like, we messed around for a while, years and years ago when I came here. And, like, it was fetishy enough that I was like, he's not really aware that I'm in the room.

You know? Like, he's, like, I know exactly what there is to fall in love with about me. And, like, he's not doing that. And so I was not into that. And now I have to see him at Starbucks with the new fat guys. But I think, you know, like, you know, I'm also a gay guy in that, like, I don't think I should be your only stop for sexual satisfaction. Like, get whatever you need everywhere. I just need to know that, like, you understand that I'm amazing.

Yeah, that's how I feel. I'm like, you should be so lucky to want to be with me. I have a nice time. I have nice friends. I have a nice life. Yes. I have nice friends. I have a nice life.

Yes. I mean, like, and it is one of the things that is interesting is seeing how my female friends who are successful, the weird mind fuck that goes along with them trying to date. I have a very successful friend who just divorced. And she was like, do you know any good straight guys? And I, like, recommended the two good straight guys I could think of. And both of them were terrified, truly terrified of dating her. Yes. Oh, boy. I just, I guess, I mean, if you want to do like primarily men want to provide or whatever,

but I'm just like, why? Why can't we do it together? Yeah yeah i guess i just don't get it yeah i also don't understand relationships in a way it's like do i have to tell them where i go all the time do i have to check in with things like what is what is a really what is truly finding somebody who wants the level of relationship that you do is the hardest thing because i truly there aren't that many people i want to be around that much and also just like there aren't that many people who want I want to be able to do things that like a lot of people aren't going to be interested in so what I'm primarily going to need is somebody like who wants to what I want out of a relationship

is someone who will argue with me about something pathetic and meaningless for an hour and a half every day and we like okay and do our own things and then we have a conversation where we're both fully engaged and vehemently disagreeing with each other about tile or biting, or whatever, and like, get that, and feel known and loved, and then, you know, mess around, and then potentially go to separate beds afterwards. Nicole Byer. Oh. I need to address with you the most significant issue

when it comes to relationships for me. Are you ready for it? Yes, I'm ready. A California king. I, I, any man who will not be broken by me sexually and me in a bed, like attempting that in a queen size bed is miserable. Like it's fine for sex, but not for sleeping. Not for sleeping. Not for sleeping. And, like, I just find, like, my capacity for relationships with other men goes up significantly when a California king is involved. Okay.

What is wrong with a queen? Do you not like cuddling? I am a very hot person. And I also just, like, I truly, I'm not the most sort of, like, effortless of cuddlers. Like, I do, like, I'm not the most sort of like effortless of cuddlers. Like I do, I like, I like contacts. And it also, isn't it weird how sort of like specific to a person is? Like there's something pheromonal about like, there are some people where I just sort of want to hold on to them and fall asleep.

And other people where it's like, I need to not be touching you so I can go to sleep. Yeah, that is interesting um i like when i sleep with somebody i like when i want to be wrapped around them but also i've learned i like being the big spoon i learned that rather recently i was like, oh, this feels, I feel strong. But there's, I mean, it is so nice to be a man because, or just to be in a gay relationship, you don't have the overlay of expectations of gender in the same way. And just sort of being able to be like, you know, the first guy I ever, it wasn't really a relationship, but it was kind of a relationship. It was like when I was still in law school but he was like 5'4 and like he was a sturdy 5'4 but like he was

like you know little and sturdy and fun to throw around and all of that and then in the rare situation when I get to lay my head on someone's shoulder who's taller than me. Oh, magnificent. Like it's fun to be both. I constantly think about if I could date a short King and I don't know. I think I could. I try really hard not to close doors to things, but, and I went on a date with a man who I think was shorter than me. I also have terrible death perception. I think I'm taller than everybody,

but he was slight. Maybe he was like slightly shorter than me and I was fine with it. And I wonder if I would be okay with it longterm. I think I would be. I mean, yes. Like I, like I love a short guy.

I also love the bravado of like little muscly straight guys like they are so many of my instagram follows i love that i love that bagel boss man do you remember him no he was screaming in that bagel shop and he was like ah no then nobody likes because i'm short i was like i'll fuck him i will do it i will make this man happy you know what i keep saying i'm like horny for like love or whatever right now i think i'm horny for someone who like gets me do you know what i mean and it's like easy because it's like oh yeah you already know i'm gonna do x y and z yeah and then you know how i like to be fucked and then that's not like a thing we got to figure out like it it is it is just so however much i like gay anonymous sex having somebody who knows what you like is just so wonderful and can

like and beyond that as you're saying having somebody who can like really read your energy and like you know take care of you or tell you stop it. Having somebody who can just tell you stop it, who you love, is like one of the most valuable things. Yeah, I just want someone to be like, Nicole, stop it, you're being ridiculous. And I'm like, me? Ridiculous? I am constantly being ridiculous. Real quick, we gotta take a break.

Real quick, we gotta take a break. So during the pandemic, you quarantined with your mother in Yuba City? Where's that? Oh, yes. It's like an hour north of Sacramento. Who did this research for you? Don't worry about it. Okay, yes. My new assistant, who I love.

The old one, not so much. Bad, bad, yes. My new assistant who I love. The old one, not so much. Bad, bad, bad. But yes, I went up to my mom's place in an almond orchard in Northern California for a month. And truly, there's nothing that, like, Grindr in that town is just Latino 18-year-olds. Like, it is just truly just, like, kids who have not been able to like get to the closest

city yet um and it's like that's that's grindering i can't do um so it led to a lot of a lot of repression and and just sort of you know feeling like a closeted 15 year old again fair when you were in high school you played football and were you out in high school or no not remotely i didn't come out until law school law school mccall byer okay so i mean everyone knew i was gay i still talked like this um but i was very closeted but it was i mean the most magnificent mind fuck is being like a 14 year old gay boy and being walked into a locker room full of full-on naked men and just sort of like you get to be here but also if they find out they might kill you oh no the mystery of will i get murdered it's the hottest

it's the hottest since you've been on television and successful do you think that dating for you has changed do you think there's more people who are like give me some of what guy is serving I think so.

I mean, definitely, like, the years I was on Chelsea Lately were the best, because every dumb, hot gay guy watched Chelsea Lately. And so that led to more of a certain type of dating. Though it wasn't necessarily, I mean, it was super fun, but it's also sort of like this is maybe not what i'm looking for i do think there's just something so nice about like putting enough of yourself out there so that like people can find you just the the notion of now having somebody say like oh i know i read your book like i was i was i was at a purim

carnival and i was talking to somebody a purim carnival it's it's jewish saint patrick's day but also jewish halloween and i was like i didn't have a traditional jewish upbringing and the woman was just like oh i know i read your book and i was just like oh there's so much I don't have to explain here because, you know, you just read my fucking book. But I also think that it's hard because we spend so much of our time with astoundingly talented, creative people that it really does just give you a bar for what a person needs to be bringing to the table that's really hard and there are some people who don't need that in their relationships but i do need that in my relationships and uh you know i think um leading my life the way i wanted to and making a life that i like has made me expect more and i think that a lot of gay guys who don't fit sort of like the stereotypical idea of what a gay guy should be are trying really hard to prove to their self themselves that they deserve a relationship and have really hungered and fought to be able to

have one and it's just like the more time goes on, the more I'm like, I'm truly fine. Unless it is bringing me, you know, what I want. I mean, the thing is, I want to try to be fine as much as possible, but still be really, really capable of falling in love. And I think that that's a hard line to walk. I think that's a hard line to walk, but I also think's a very like a serene place to be where it's like i could have this but also if it's not happening i am so wholeheartedly happy with who i am i think that's a treat i think that's like to just be okay with you and being okay being alone i think is a huge testament to like self-love self-care and like really really just like doing the work and

being happy yeah i mean it's like is it true i don't know um and and there is something really great and that you can't find in any other way when another person really understands you and i love that i've had that with some people, you know, in sexual relationships, not in sexual relationships. And, you know, I'm just trying to keep my eyes open for other people who have the potential to make that possible. And also who would be fun to fuck. If those two things are in the same place again, that would be nice. Well, are you on the apps at all i am on the apps when i found out that uh pete and chastin met each other on hinge i joined hinge wait who

who met on hinge um pete buddha judge and chastin oh i was just like oh is this where we're going for like real relationship potential uh-huh and i I've had a couple of flirtations with people on there, but it never really landed on much of anything. And then, you know, I am on the things for finding sex. Grinder. Grinder. Scruff. Scruff, yes.

Adam for Adam. I think that's old. Adam for Adam is real old. No, they're trying to come back real hard, though. They're trying to come back real hard. Ooh. We have not talked in a very long time. Like, are you on Raya yet?

I finally got on Raya after two years. Gotta say, it's not what it's cracked up to be. But I am on Hinge, and I do want to read to you um this person's hinge profile that i was like okay what are we all doing so the prompt is i'm convinced that and their answer was none of the women on the site actually take care of their bodies dot dot dot sad we're all the physically fit women. Do any of you have priorities? And also, this person matched with me or liked one of my pictures. And I was like, this is confusing and sending me mixed signals. The next prompt, I take pride in, and they said, physical fitness, health, looking good,

feeling good, have fun. I take pride in what I'm doing and helping others. I like to be the best person I can be. The next prompt, my greatest strength. They said, calling a spade a spade. Jesus Christ, this website, dot, dot, dot. Does any of you out there take care of your bodies? Linebackers for the Green Bay Packers.

And I was like, what is, what, why did you like any of my, I'm fat. I mean, but the thing is, is like like you truly have to go on a date with this person because like it's 90 likely that you guys will get into a shouting match over drinks but i also think it's 30 possible that you guys end up fucking real good after that shouting match you know maybe like it is like it is so weird when people are projecting something that hard out at the world and like you don't know how to take it when they come and and are nice to you after they've said something like that yeah you know it's more about them having to prove something i also okay so many people are like you need to keep fit. It's not about aesthetics. It's just about like being healthy. I like people who are healthy. And I'm truly like, like every hot gay guy I know is constantly like getting nosebleeds or breaking a wrist or something like that.

Hit me with a hammer for 90 seconds and I'd still walk away. Like, don't fucking come to me about health. Like, at some point in time when they keep talking about health, I'm just going to start breaking them to prove my point. I mean, there is. I just whenever people are like, it's about health. I just think about Lizzo doing however long her fucking concerts are, dancing the whole time, playing a fucking singing and i'm just like i don't know seems like she might be fat but also in shape yes i'm fine and there's some thin people i know who have like high blood pressure and high cholesterol and shit like that i'm like we don't know what's going on with people we could we could just you know not say a thing and it could be fine yeah like it's it's very hard because i mean i don't know heterosexuality

seems terrible but with gay guys i'm always just like i understand so well how much gay guys around my age were broken by the world and hate themselves and are scared and are looking to find value in themselves wherever they can and i try to sympathize with that as much as possible but it gets real frustrating when their desire to find value for themselves involves negating me or saying like i'm not a person and there are lots of times when my like lower mid-level of famousness manages to negate that kind of erasure but like i just still try to be aware of it because you know it's fucked up and it tells you a lot about a person when they have decided that there are some people they're just not going to see as human

yeah which is so wild to me because i try to just be kind to everybody. And that's why I'm like, I don't have a preferred body type. I like what I like. I see somebody and I go, ooh, squishy. Or ooh, muscular. Or ooh, thin. I'm just like, whatever. And I mean, charisma goes a lot of the way. You know, it's like.

Oh, I have fucked many an improviser that was not good looking but very charismatic you know i've seen the mattress on the floor and the bottle of lotion and said you know what they were funny on stage tonight and in the cab they had me going yeah so charisma truly can take you to places that you never thought you could go to. Guy, we've like kind of come to the end. Well, it was lovely getting to talk to you, Bayer. It has been far too long and that I realized the glamour that you are showing me was built for a conversation with Laverne Cox, but I'm glad that I got to enjoy it. Well, thank you. Do you have anything you want to promote?

Bros is in theaters now. Bros is in theaters now. Go see Bros. Wait, fuck, I forgot. Would you date me? Oh, of course I would date you. I'm always... I spend so much time thinking about,

like, if I had lived in the 50s, like, would I have ended up in a marriage of convenience or would I have like been one of the gay guys who moved to Greenwich Village and I have real doubts that I would have been one of the gay guys who moved to Greenwich Village but I like to imagine I would have been the best of friends with my wife and truly I think if we had lived in a state where it was legal um we would have had a hell of a marriage in 1954. Yeah, we would have to move to a state where the interracial was legal.

Wait, what else do you want to promote? You have a book? Oh, I have a book, My Life as a Goddess, available wherever books are sold. And you can follow me across across social media um at guy branham i love this do you have anything coming up like what tv show were you talking about oh yes i'm going to be on platonic on apple plus playing a gay lawyer um if there was ever an advertisement for something, that's it. It's on Apple Plus and I'm a gay lawyer.

I'm a lawyer who sucks dicks when no one's looking. For the show, they did have to create a leather harness for me. And I am sort of like, props props department you're not going to do anything else with that can i maybe take it did you take it i have not had the conversation yet i want you to have the conversation oh so we get to you get to be sexual i get to be sexual nicole um the great thing about um bros and this is like they're both things where i'm a fat person who has like a sexual identity like it's it's so weird and strange like because we don't think about gay guys who look at me that both of them um like uh you know let me have a sexual identity i love that like i think

it's super fucking important and a lot of sometimes some some criticisms of me as a comedian and as a person as i talk too much about sex and i'm like yeah well i don't know who else is where's the other fat bitch talking about it yeah i i have it so i like to talk about it and uh i love me some dicks and i love gobbling i mean and it's just like fat people in movies are usually there to be sad or to be an impediment and it's it's fun when we get to like have fun i agree and i think we need more representation all right well guy again we've come to the end and if people write me something nasty hitting on me i'll read it out

loud if you write it to why won't you date me podcast at gmail.com mars my producer will read it so please don't send dick pics they don't make it to me um she doesn't need that okay so this one says netflix and chill that's lame girl, we would binge Sonic 1 and 2 with a respectful four minutes for you to cry after the credits roll before I knock the coin rings out of you. Bling, bling, bling. I'd call you tails, and if you asked to snuggle, I'd gently say no.

Then to leave and say gotta go fast before dashing to my car in my adult light up shoes and Sonic Blue. You'd rate the experience three out of five because I didn't fill your holes with food like other listeners. Why does everyone obsess with filling you full of food? Yeast infection aficionados? And that's where it ends. So, interesting. It wasn't super nasty

you let me cry I love offering a 3 out of 5 sexual experience I love it too because then if it's better then it's just like I was not expecting this I thought it was gonna be bad well

buh-bye! It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solo-Taroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream. What a dream. Ha, ha, ha.

This has been a Team Coco production.