Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Sex Tapes (w/ Roz Drezfalez)

Episode Date: September 21, 2018

Roz Drezfalez (Drag queen, stand-up) discusses the life and struggles of dating as a drag queen. Nicole expresses why dating a improv comic is a turn off for her, and shares her interest in having a sex-tape leaked on Pornhub.Roz's Instagram: @rozdrezfalez Roz's Podcast: The GaspFor more drag queens on Why Won't You Date Me, check out our episode playlist on Spotify: https://spoti.fi/3fg8EpuYou can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where I try to figure out how I'm still single. You make it sound like a game show. Maybe I'm hoping that someone will be like, I'll be a contestant, I'll play, and I'll wife you up. Tell us what the win. They win my pussy! That must be a record for, no, I guess I start off pretty nasty in every episode. Anyway, my guest today runs a fabulous show at the Hollywood Improv.

Ooh, baby, It's Roz! Roz, do you have a last name? Yeah, Roz Dress Felez. You didn't know that? No! I guess... Is that on your Instagram? Yeah, my Instagram is

at Roz Dress Felez. I guess I never noticed. I don't know if I've laughed that hard this early oh this is all a problem see I what I want to do is get those apps that tell you who follows you and who doesn't no I want to get one of those and do this podcast but why have you unfollowed me and I want to bring on people that have unfollowed me. And apparently my name is not giving you enough about me. Wait, now I got to look at it. I'm trying to figure out how to become Insta-famous. I mean. I don't know if I want a man or Insta-fame more. I mean, both are useless. Except being Insta-famous can get you more money.

Because then people will pay you to like, oh, I guess I just didn't phonetically know how to say your name. That's okay. Drez Flez. That's maybe the funniest drag name I've ever heard. Oh, thank you. Well, I only shop at thrift stores, so it was just kind of like made sense.

And I like the name Roz. I like Roz. What a dream. My mind is blown. But my boy name is Gio. But usually my rule is like you can only call me Gio if you're fucking me or you're paying me. So most people know me as Roz. But I'm looking for somebody to call me Gia.

Oh, that's so sweet. Maybe someone that will fuck me and pay me. I mean, you could do that. That's called prostitution. Or sex work. That's what we call it now, I believe. Yeah. But I don't know why prostitution is bad.

I think hooker maybe is bad. Is it stewardess? Is it waitress? Okay Server and flight attendant Okay But when I was a waitress I was like you can call me a waitress

Right I was also so bad at it I never know these days What we're supposed to say Me either I know you can't say the R word People get really upset with you What's the R word?

I can't say it people will get mad at me oh you mean like mentally yes i thought we were talking about like restaurants or something like you can't say restaurant anymore you have to say sit down food place i mean i'm waiting for that day to happen i i don't want i feel like do comedy. Do you feel like people have gotten too PC? Oh, this conversation. I know, it's a stupid conversation. No, but it comes up constantly. I mean, I just had a friend that just got in trouble for something.

It's so hard. It's hard. I don't even know. It's a scary time. It is. Who's your friend um uh well a drag queen you can google it she just got in trouble for yes for saying i don't know why i'm sorry i'm always such a private person about stuff like that but it's like it's fine it's's news. No, Bianca Del Rio. She got in trouble for... And I personally... She's an insult comic.

Yeah. She goes for the jugular. That's her thing. And I personally didn't find the joke that bad. Yeah. I didn't find it good either, but I got the sentiment. Exactly. If you don't know, RuPaul's Drag Race race uh contested in the last season before she had a

lip sync for her life which is like determines who goes home who stays revealed trauma in her life and then bianca commented that like back in her or like uh the it's a strategy to reveal a trauma before you get sent home she said it yeah when it was like she's gonna. Because she said it, yeah. When it was like, she's going to go home, she said it. And I mean... And so, of course, people were offended that she was not respecting sexual assault and all that kind of stuff. But, yeah, I guess I can see why you'd be upset. I can see how you're triggered.

But also, comedy walks a fine line. And maybe five years from now she'll be like maybe it wasn't funny I don't know I know I've made jokes where later I'm like you know what there's things that I've said like five years ago that I'm like I couldn't say anymore yeah and yeah but that's comedy baby have you gotten in trouble for saying things? Not trouble trouble, but I did a show at a college where I had a joke about my imaginary boyfriend beating me, and I was like, that's like a testament to my headspace that even this made-up man treats me poorly. And the audience was like stone-cold silent, and it's worked before, and I was like, how

weird, I guess you guys really hated that. And then later someone messaged me on like Tumblr or something. This was like years and years ago. They were like, nobody laughed because Britney was in the audience. And Britney's sister was murdered by her boyfriend. Oh my God. A week ago. And I was like, okay.

But the stance I took was like, I didn't know. Right. I didn't know that she got murdered. But then but then i was like okay i get why it's triggering i get why it's bad i won't apologize for it because i thought it was funny at the time and i've just learned and evolved and now i no longer think imaginary domestic violence is funny which is a dumb but it's also like it's your joke based on your experience, whether true or not. It's just funny. It's your life. And so it's like it's hard because you don't know who's in the audience and who has a problem with what. Yeah.

Are you going to like live in fear that, oh, I can't tell this joke because maybe there's somebody, you know, it's I don't know. I know that I'm very like I'm too afraid to even say who my friend is. That's in the news. Like I am so afraid these days. Like I'm living in fear of the words that come out of my mouth. Because everything is recorded, screenshot, screen grabbed. And then they serve it up to you a couple months later and like remember when you said this. Every grinder hookup I go on, I inspect that there's not a camera in there.

Really? Because you go on these porn sites and it's just like hidden camera. Oh, you're right. I would love to end up on Pornhub.com. Yeah? I would. I'm good at fucking and the world needs to see it. Well, you know, think it into existence.

I mean, I guess it would be traumatic at first, but then I would really own it. I'd be like, yeah, it is me. I was dating this guy who was like, let's make a sex tape. And I was like, I don't know. Where are you going to put it? What are the residuals? What is the base income I'd be making? Work out a deal.

I feel like didn't that teen mom, or there's been people that have approached companies. What is her name? Farrah Abraham. Yes. She did a porn. And I watched some of it, and honestly, she wasn't very good.

Because in the beginning, she was like, I'm hitting my butt. And I was like, come on, girl. Girl. You gotta get warmed up first. You gotta work up to anal. You can't just slip'm hitting my butt. And I was like, come on, girl. You gotta get warmed up first. You gotta work up to anal. You can't just slip it in your butt. Yeah, right.

Okay, Ross. I love seeing celebrities naked, though. It's like a... Do you? Oh, I love it. So do you like when people's pictures are like stolen from the cloud? I mean, it really disturbs me and it scares me. But I'll look at it yeah of course i won't look

at it because i'm like i don't think they'd want me to which is an insane stance to take but like when jennifer lawrence's pictures were like floating around i was like i think she'd be mad if i looked and then i was like but what if i meet her would i have to say i looked at you but i'm a crazy person and i think too hard about things. But then there's people like, have you seen the Chris Brown one? I don't think he's mad that people have seen that. He's got a big dick, right? Girl.

Ah! Look it up. Google it. I mean, never mind. I was going to make it. Yeah, I know where your head's going. I guess I won't go there ross are you you said you're single so single um when is your when was your last relationship um it

is in the process of ending no i okay so i was in a um a, about three-year relationship about five years ago. Okay. And I'm sober, and I was, like, I used to be such a fucking mess, and that's one of the reasons it ended. And then I got sober, and I was, like, you know what? I need to, like, take a year and just, like, focus on me because I was kind of, like, I don't want to date me right now. Like, why, you know, I don't want to date if I'm not someone that I would want to date so I was like I'm gonna do me for a year really focus on getting my shit together and then I did and now it's been like three years three and a half years that I've been single but I did just meet this guy and he's

so perfect for me everything is so great but he just got out of a relationship like a long-term relationship and they live together and he's like like the relationship went on for like about a month and they had just broken up and it was just like not the right time for him and so i just like i can't just be friends with him so I'm just kind of like it has to be done I think that's smart to just be done with somebody who you're like no I really like you and being your friend's gonna hurt my heart that's exactly how it is and I think or just like if we're just fucking like I would still like it's just too much like if i can't have you i can't like i don't want i think that's good to know like i think that's so good to know because i feel like i've at times been like yeah i could be your friend but then i'm like i don't want to be your friend i truly

just want to like suck your dick till i die and i have no desire to like hang out with you socially. I know. Unless we're, you know, in love. Well, and it sounds so shitty to say this, but I'm like, I have so many friends and I have so many amazing friends. You don't need any more. I know. And he like just moved here and like he really could use me as a friend, but it's just like it's too hard for me.

Like, you know know i've already crossed that emotional with your heart i know and that's part of the lessons that i've learned in this time i've had to to do me is like i kind of my friend was telling me like you know i'm getting to an age where i know what i can deal with and i can't deal with or what I'm willing to put up with. And I don't think I can do that anymore. I think that's smart. Can I ask you about being sober or is that a hot button topic to stay away from? Oh, my God. No, I love talking about it.

So you got sober two years ago, a year ago? Three and a half years ago. Three and a half years ago. Yeah. And can I ask what your rock bottom is? Yeah. Well, I should, I had many. I should have quit a long time ago.

But I drank from when I was 12 until I was 24. 12? Yeah, literally half my life. Wow. Lots of drugs. Lots of weed. Lots of cocaine. Lots of poppers.

Lots of all of it. Poppers! Yes, so fun. I love when you buy poppers from a sex shop, and if you call them poppers, they're like, you mean computer cleaner? No, they're like VHS. Like, bitch, yes, I need some VHS head cleaner. Yep, yeah, I need to clean my VHS tapes. Thank you.

At the sex store. That's so silly. Well, for people that don't know poppers, I don't really know what it is. It is a liquid that you- That should not be anywhere near a human body. I know that. It's so strong. You like sniff it and then for like

30 seconds you're like oblivion and you're just like stuff every hole in my body truly it's good if you want to try anal for the first time but it's good anyway like it's like during sex listen i'm a sober person i shouldn't be doing a commercial right now for poppers. Take it from me. I'm sober, but I love to drugs. Well, anyway, it's like this liquid inside of this little thingy. And it's very toxic liquid. And one time I was drunk and I was on my back and I went to hit the poppers and spilled it down my nose.

And I swear to god that's why I don't know basic English anymore and math and like it ruined my brain it's terrible it's a horrible thing oh my god anyway so my rock bottom did you finish uh I just I don't know I just remember getting up and pouring water down my nose I don't't know. It was terrible. Oh, that sounds awful. Yeah. Oof. But, you know, like, I work in nightlife, so, like, I'm not, I'm like a cool silver person, so don't worry.

Is that hard? No, because my mind is made up. Like, it's just bad for me. I know that I can't be close to people that are abusive of drugs and alcohol, but most of my friends smoke pot and drink and do the occasional whatever else. You know, it's like for me, the option was either act like nobody drinks and just be around people that don't drink and just act like it's not a thing or just realize that it's part of life and just embrace it and know that I can't do it and that's fine.

And so, you know, it's not a problem anymore. Like, it's really not at this point. Because I was thinking the other day, I was truly, I was like, what, where else do drag queens perform other than at night in bars or in clubs? It's so much more morning work than I thought. Oh, is it?

Oh, yeah. I thought it was just a nighttime thing and then I could sleep until 3 p.m. every day. But no, there's a lot of brunches, drag brunches. Ah, yes, yes, yes. There's this amazing thing called Drag Queen Story Hour, like reading to children. That's adorable. Yeah, it's really cute. And then, you know, I'm like lucky to sometimes

get to do like shoots and stuff. So we're everywhere at this point. I love it. I love it. Drag culture has truly gone mainstream. Because I remember when RuPaul's Drag Race was on Logo and I didn't have cable. So I'd have to wait two days after it aired, sit in my bed and stream it on LogoTV.com.

Oh, sure. Well, when I started dabbling in like 2010, 2011, it was such a different thing than it is now. Oh, my God. And one of the reasons why I didn't go super, I was kind of a stay-at-home drag queen for like the first few years because I was just like I have I'm afraid that no one will want to date me if I do drag that was one of my problems which was just like a 19 20 year old insecurity that I had and then I just was kind of like fuck it a few a few years later. And then I started pursuing it. And I was like, you know, it's fine.

And then I started seeing all these drag queens that were in relationships. And now drag is like cool. But for me, it's still a problem. It still is a turn off for a lot of guys. What have guys said? Like, OK, so you've pursued a man and his response is like, no. What are his reasons for not wanting to date a drag queen? Well, I've taken a few different approaches and I'm always open to advice on this.

The approach that has always been natural to me is like, I'm just going to make them fall in love with me. And I'm going to be so charming that when I drop the ball and tell them, guess what? I'm a drag queen. They're going to be like, oh, well drop the ball and tell them, guess what? I'm a drag queen. They're going to be like, oh, well, you're so perfect. I don't care. That has not worked for me at all. So now my new thing is just like, yeah, I'm a drag queen and just like start with that. But yeah, I've had a lot of guys where I'm like, I confess, which is so stupid, where

I like confess it and then it's just like everything changes. I wonder why. Well, I typically like more feminine guys. And I think sometimes, you know, it sounds very stereotypical, but there's truth to a lot of stereotypes that a more feminine person likes a more masculine to balance that out you know and so they because i mean i'm a man in the bedroom but i think that they you know the idea of their significant other literally making a living wearing women's clothing is a turn off. Ah, okay. I can see how that's true. Because it does.

It is a thing that deals with sexuality as much as it is also just a job. It's like there's a sexuality element to it. And I think that I'm on some kind of gender spectrum, whether I think about it or not, which I don't. I don't really even think of myself as even queer or genderqueer or trans or any of that. I just kind of like just live my life. But I think it messes with the head for people, you know, like what's going on, especially like working in comedy clubs. People have no clue what a drag queen is. Because there's. I think the yeah because there's they just want to

know what's going on in my pants me and that's it i'm the only queen in la which is crazy because that's essentially west hollywood right yeah a lot of drag queens don't do stand-up because um we make actual money in in other places and you don't make money at stand-up clubs yeah i mean comedy is the least lucrative thing you could do. Well, I always tell my friends that are comedians that, like, with drag queens, like, we make a little bit of money for a long amount of time. And then comedians make, like, no money for a long time.

And then one day they make a lot of money. Yeah, it's crazy. So for drag queen we're slow and steady but we stay the same do you have a drag mother or do you have children uh i have a drag mother named sherry vine who's oh she's so funny yeah she's the best and i just got she lives in new york but we see see each other I see her more than my real mother how did you meet Sherry

when she did she ever live out here she did a long like when I was a child but she we do Golden Girl we do like a drag Golden Girls

yes yes yes yeah I've seen it yeah so we actually just did that the past two weekends. We closed it on Sunday.

So we do that about twice a year. And then I go to New York sometimes. And she travels all the time. So we see each other quite a bit. We're pretty close. I love it. I want to be a drag queen. Do you?

I mean, I kind of, I mean, I don't do drag. I don't perform at drag shows, but I do a version of drag. I mean, right now I'm not in full face, but I do like to do makeup. I wear wigs. If I had a dick, I'd tuck it away. Sure. Do you do dating apps? I do it all.

So are you, you're on Tinder? I'm on Tinder. Bumble? I don you're on Tinder? I'm on Tinder. Bumble? I don't know if there is Bumble for gentlemen of my sorts. There's Bumble for gentlemen. Really? Okay. I think so.

Which one is Bumble? Bumble is the one where the woman has to. The bottom has to send the message. Is that how it works? I hope that's how they advertise it. When you're like, I'm looking for a man and I am a man they're like great are you a bottom you got a message first let's see what else is there

are you on coffee meets bagel see my problem with tinder is that nobody ever messages we match in the known message maybe they think that it's bumble and they think that since they're bottoms they're waiting for the bottom to message. Oh, okay.

Well, I've been having so many issues on all of these apps because on Tinder, no one is messaging me. And I'm on Hinge. Are you on Hinge? No, which one is that? Hinge is through your Facebook friends. It like serves you friends of friends, I think. Okay. I don't know.

I matched with this guy who, so, oh, also in order to match with someone, you have to like something on their profile. So he wrote what I want, oh, and you have to like answer questions on your profile. Is this the one that you have to have like points for or something? No, that's coffee meets bagel where you have to answer questions on your profile. Is this the one that you have to have points for or something? No, that's Coffee Meets Bagel where you have to get beans. Beans? You have to play for beans to spend your beans on people. I hate it. Oh, like coffee beans.

Yes. See, I'm Mexican. I'm like, wait, we got to have beans? You're like, ginger beans? No, coffee beans. It's awful. So he said, what I wanted to be when I grew up in the NBA. And I like basketball basketball so i liked that

answer so i have on my profile that i don't know any songs from beginning to end so we talked about that and then blah blah blah i was like this guy is cute so then i was like what are you doing this weekend which to me is like maybe you ask me out you go, what are you doing this weekend? We should hang out. But instead, he was like, got a show tonight, then tomorrow I work a little bit, then another show on Sundays. Basically, I work all day.

How about you? So I said, ooh, what kind of show? I have a lazy-ish weekend. I'm excited about it. Then he was like, improv shows, and I was like, bleh! Is that a turn off i don't want anybody who does improv okay like especially when they're talking about like

doing an improv show i do do improv but i never tell anyone that i'm off to my improv show okay i just feel like i'm still i've been doing it for 10 years. So to me, it's not exciting anymore. It's like I'm doing it. And then like a stand-up show is work. I'm working out material to then go on the road to make money. It's not like I'm like, ah, a show. Well, he also said that because he wanted you to ask that question. He wanted to ask, ooh, what kind of show?

Because I'm in that predicament a lot where I'm like i'm i usually just say working unless i want them to know you know i say working until i'm ready to let someone know what i do but i don't like to let people know off the bat i'm like you i feel like when i tell men just like straight up i'm like i'm a comic i'm a comedian i'm an actress and like what have you done and then like i have to go through my fucking resume they ask you what have you done uh-huh i had one guy who upon meeting him i was like oh this i don't like him this is not gonna work out this is like four weeks ago five weeks ago i like met up with this guy for like a coffee date and he was like so what do you do and i was like oh i'm a comic and he's like yeah but what's four weeks ago, five weeks ago, I met up with this guy for a coffee date, and he was like, so what do you do?

And I was like, oh, I'm a comic. And he's like, yeah, but what's your day job? And I was like, and this has happened maybe three or four times. And I said, I don't have a day job. And he was like, well, how do you make money? Do you come from money? And I was like, this is rude. No, no, no, I make my money doing comedy.

And he just couldn't wrap his mind around it. So you get that. Or then you get, mostly it's like just men being very judgmental. We're like, well, are you funny? Yeah, I can imagine. I think I'm funny. Like I make a living at it. Yeah, I just, or sometimes they'll be like, oh, so what are you like an Instagram comic or like a Vine person?

Or, well, Vine's dead, but you know. Like, are you an internet comic? And I'm like, no. Now I get up and do it in front of people. Yeah. Yeah, I, that's the thing. The problem that I have with guys that have a problem with me doing drag is first of all not to toot my own horn call me tootie is this the facts of life i um i mean i do it full time in a very oversaturated

market i i i must i mean i'm good at it I make a living at it and I make a nice living at it and so to have a job that you are very passionate about and you love and you work really hard at to me that's hot whatever the job is

that's what I want I want a man who's like satisfied with his job, who's just like looking for a woman to compliment him or her. I don't, at this point, I do not care. I'm about to be like that. But I date, I don't care. I do not care.

I think love comes in all forms. And I feel like when you choose your, or not choose, when you learn what your sexuality is, you feel like you have to put it in a box, like whether you're gay, straight, or bi. Those are like the three I grew up learning about. Sure. And then now you have pansexuality

and demisexuality and then you have non-binary and queer and all these other things that I'm just like, too many! I know. Too many! I just want to meet someone that I connect with

and want to be with. Wait, what is demisexuality? Demisexuality, I just learned, is someone who has to have an emotional connection with someone named Demi Moore. No, an emotional connection in order to fuck. And then I was like, so what's the opposite a slut why doesn't that have a fun name yeah why isn't it like slut asexual seriously i don't it's very

strange that everything has such and then i don't like the term pansexuality i don't like it i which i think is what i'm describing as myself that i'm open to everything. But pansexuality, to me, just sounds weird. It always makes me think of Pan's Labyrinth. It makes, yeah, Pan's Labyrinth, frying pans, pan, pan, pan, pan. Pan pans. Pan pans. Yeah, like pan pans. Pan, just pots and pans.

You know, I might be opening myself to pansexuality soon. I mean, open the door, because you don't know. And then, like, because in my early 20s, I was like, I am straight. I love dicks. I still love dicks. Dicks are perfect and fabulous. But I, like, met this woman, and I was like, oh. Oh, my.

Ooh, you make me, like, oh, oh my. Ooh, you make me like tingle. Sure. Then I was like, oh, I guess everything does it for me. I guess I'm just a whore. That's how I identify. I'm a whore. Whore sexual. There we go.

I'm whore sexual. I, a couple of years ago, i started having really confusing feelings about drag queens okay because there's something about a drag queen to me when i know that they identify as a man but like they're a gorgeous woman but i'm attracted to the maleness underneath. It's very confusing to me. I agree. I've seen drag queens where I'm like, fuck. Ooh, you're beautiful, and I know you've got a dick, and I think I'd like you to fuck me with your face on. Have you had sex in drag?

No. Really? There's so much going on with the pads. I guess, the padding and the tucking. And look at these hairy ass legs. I wear so many pairs of pantyhose that for me to take the pads and the pantyhose off, I wouldn't even really be in drag necessarily. Fair.

I would love to date a drag queen. I wish there was a dating app for drag queens. But not many drag queens want to date drag queens really i mean it has changed so much these days though and there are it's like the 80s comedy boom where it's like so many people are like trying to get in while it's hot and there's some that you know are not going to stick around and there's some that really shouldn't stick around and so i think it might i don't know where the future of drag is but there's some that you know are not going to stick around and there's some that really shouldn't stick around. And so I think it might, I don't know where the future of drag is, but there's so many gay boys that are just doing it now.

So I think it might be different these days, but I don't know. I'm so close with so many drag queens that I don't know any that I would want to date. I would date Pearl. Do you know who Pearl is from RuPaul's Drag Race? Of course I know who Pearl is. That is like my number one celebrity crush. Pearl is so hot. So hot.

As a boy and in drag. Yeah. She is gorgeous in drag. And then as a boy, you're just like, oh my God, how? Yeah. Cameron Michaels is the same way. Not for me. No.

I'm not into muscles. Too muscly? You don't like a muscle queen? I like milk. Milk is hot as a boy. I don't know if I could date that person, but as a boy, yeah. As a boy, milk is super hot. Yeah.

Milk is also pretty. I dated someone that was on Drag Race long like long before either of us did drag. Really? Yeah. I don't want to say the name. No, you don't have to. That would be too scandalous. But we did before either of us did drag.

It's funny now, because I didn't grow up in New York. I lived in New York for eight years. I was like, I grew up in New York. No. I lived there for eight years, and I watched Peppermint so much at Barracuda, this bar in Chelsea. Sure. lived there for eight years and i watched peppermint so much at barracuda this bar in chelsea sure and i fucking loved peppermint and i'd see bob the drag queen and then i'd see them on rupaul's drag race and you're just like oh i guess that's how people who like watched me at like ucb

back in the day feel now when they watch me on tv because Because you're like, oh, they made it. And you have such a good feeling in your heart. Totally. Would you audition for RuPaul's Drag Race? That's a no. You took too long. No, definitely. Honestly, for me,

I've always just... I grew up in Michigan, and I always wanted Grand Rapids, Michigan. That's where my aunt Sharon lives. Stop it. You better believe she called me yesterday and said, I have Christmas cookies for you. And I said, it is August. No, she meant from December of last year.

Then she said, I also have a chocolate Easter bunny for you in the freezer. I said it is August. Aunt Sharon. That is so Aunt Sharon. That is such an Aunt Sharon thing to do. Aunt Sharon, she once sent me an Easter dinner through the mail. She loves a holiday meal. She loves to keep food for a long time

and then send it to me. You never know when you need it. Which is very curious to me because I know i'm fat but like never once have i said i love eating old food that's why i can't do this meal prep shit that everyone does i don't want to eat food that's three or four days old well i i don't meal prep but i make a bunch of ground turkey and then i'll make salads for i can't do that i know it's gross but i am bad at cooking. Okay, so back to me. I grew up in Michigan and I always just wanted to live in Los Angeles and make a living making people laugh and just like being creative.

And like so I do that now. So I'm happy with that. This is to answer your drag race question. So I'm happy and in my crazy mind i feel like like i've just like made it in my opinion like where i i feel fulfilled career wise now would i like a lot of money and to travel to bigger venues and stuff like that like yeah of course um but either way i'm i'm happy i would if i to be on Drag Race, I would want to win Drag Race. And so, you know, I think I could cook in the oven a little bit longer.

I don't know. But maybe one day it'll happen. I would like to go on RuPaul's Drag Race. You have been on RuPaul's Drag Race. I saw you. As a judge. But I'd like to apply to compete and just, like, try to figure out if I could just like pretend to be a man kind of like that Glenn Close movie where she pretends to be a man butler oh yeah or like

Victor Victoria that's a better example well I just that's such a better example do you know do you know Judy Tanuta no she's a comedian she She's really funny. She did a lot of Showtime specials and stuff in the 80s. She plays the accordion. She's really kooky. Well, I was just telling her that she should reinvent herself as a Judy Tanuta impersonator and tell people that she's a man that's dressed like

Judy Tanuta and she looks just like in colors of Judah Tanuti. I love that. I think that's super funny. So maybe that's what you should do you should be a nicole by a nicole byer like male impersonator that's impersonating you uh and people are gonna be like oh my god she looks just like just like her and sounds just like her yeah and she talks so much about goblin dicks it must be her okay what episode were you on drag race i did all stars snatch game oh fun it was very fun i didn't know it was oh shit we have to take a break for now But now we're back.

That was a commercial for poppers. Huff it, huff it, and get fucked. It was very fun. I didn't know it was All Stars until I got there, which was crazy because I thought I was doing season 10, but I guess season 10 had already been filmed. I don't know. I got there, and then there were no prep really.

They handed me an iPad and then I watched the Snatch Game and was like, Chi Chi, Aja, this is all stars. It was very fun. It's wild to watch the Snatch Game uninterrupted. Oh, I bet. They probably cut a lot out. Oh, so much because I think it's like 45 minutes uninterrupted. Wasn't that one where it was not very good or something?

That one was where Trixie did RuPaul to RuPaul. Right, right, right, right. And they didn't air this, but I was like, here's a little tip. You have the show format. If you're going to impersonate RuPaul, do the show. Right. You don't even have to do an impersonation. You can do the beats of the show. Like, you don't even have to do an impersonation. You do the beats of the show.

Sure, sure. And then with Beyonce, because I think, oh, no, that's season 10. But here's season 10 tip. To do Beyonce, Beyonce is easy. No one's been able to do Beyonce. And I think it's because they revere her too much. But, like, Beyonce speaks in a very specific way. She does.

Yeah, I've seen a few people do and beyonce impressions that are yeah but like just figure out the voice yeah you just kind of talk a little low and you just reference you know lemonade or something well that's the thing is that a lot of these a lot of these queens that go on these shows don't have experience acting or they don't know those kinds of things. Which is crazy because that's the whole thing. The whole thing of the show is being able to act, being able to be funny, and then being able to sing a little. Yeah. That's it.

I know. Or not, that's it. yeah that's it i know not that's it well that's why like in la so many of the queens are like former actors that have turned into drag queens um yeah not a lot of them are getting on that show these days i don't know it's very interesting i feel like a lot of the queens lately have been from like small towns like calorie was from like Albuquerque or something. Yeah. One then always like. Like Santa Fe or something.

17 from New York. Mm-hmm. And not many from Los Angeles. Interesting. What's going on there? I also miss the Puerto Rican Queens. Oh, yeah. You got your Jessica Wilde. I love.

I work with Jessica a lot. Really? I love her. I love Jessica Wilde. Yara Sofia. Her snatch game. Did she do Amy Winehouse or something? Let her be Amy Winehouse.

Oh my God. I don't think Rue was like, don't do that. I think she was like, I can't wait to see it. Yeah. And she. I don't blame her. It was very funny. Okay, I want you to look at my Tinder profile.

Oh, yes, of course. Thank you. Okay. Okay. Oh, yes, of course. Thank you. Okay. Okay. Oh, this is the infamous penis dildo pic. Yes, yes, yes. Describe what you see, and if you want to see what Roz is seeing,

you can go to facebook.com, Nicole Byer Comedy. Yeah, that's my page. Okay, where did this dildo come from? You got it as a gift? No, so I'm in a sex shop called the pleasure chest and I saw it and I said this is the biggest dildo I've ever seen a stand-up show there they still do oh do they take it after the show oh okay that makes sense um well what are you trying

to attract here's the thing I'm trying to attract someone who wants to fuck, but I need someone to be able to speak to me without mentioning it. It's a very specific thing I'm looking for. Okay. But it's happened a couple of times. Wait, so you want someone that wants to fuck? So I want someone who's like, okay, she seems like she's down to fuck. I love fucking. Let me message her, see if we vibe, and then we'll go out and we'll fuck.

Or I also want someone who's like, oh, that's funny. Someone who doesn't take it super seriously. I know. I have a lot of tests like that on dating apps where I'm like, I hope you laugh at this. Also, keep swiping. Okay. But this picture, yeah, it's it's cute well the dick is so big have you ever gotten a dick pic where a guy is like holding like a can of

beer next to his dick or like something to show the proportion great i'm so glad i have that as a reference yes well in that same realm it makes me feel like i'm looking at this picture and it's an average size dick and it's showing you being like i'm very tiny i'm just a tiny little wisp of a thing i'm just a little girl next to a normal dick ew okay um oh okay it's you side by side with, is it Top Ramen? Yes. It's my recreation of a Kim Kardashian picture where she is topless eating noodles and she wrote noodles. And it made me laugh for maybe three full days. I've never seen that.

Someone showed it to me and I couldn't stop giggling. I mean, you're definitely showing that you have a good sense of humor. Thank you. Which is a powerful thing. Okay, now we have swapped out the penis for an Oscar and it's the same picture. And the Oscar is even bigger than the penis, so it makes you look even tinier. My friend Ben Green did that for me. Oh, that's cute.

Oh, I like this one. You have a unitard on. Okay, this one you look like you can dance. Because you've got a unitard on. You're pointing your toe. You're looking over your shoulder. It makes me think that you're a fun chick that knows how to move her body. I'm lying to people.

I cannot dance. I have no rhythm. I can't either. It's really upsetting. My mother used to be upset about it she's like how did i have a black child who can't dance i'm like sorry mama i'm so sorry okay now okay we're back to monster shirts and it's you holding ghosts it's my favorite movie i love goat whoopie and ghost i think watching, I watch Ghost every Sunday for maybe the 10 years.

I don't know. But I think that's what like really threw me into doing comedy. Because all of Whoopi's scenes are so funny. They're like sketches. So funny. There's a game to every scene. And she plays the game. She won an Oscar for that, right?

She did. And she's so good. And also, I used to just think Patrick Swayze with those abs. Oh, my God. Patrick Swayze is so hot. Yeah. Ugh, growing up, I loved him. And I liked when they held hands at the end when Whoopi was supposed to be Demi Moore.

Or no, Whoopi was Patrick, and they were touching Demi Moore. I don't know. There's at one point where there's white hands and a black hand and they like connect and I was like maybe I like

interracial relationships. Maybe that's really hot to me. Okay. I'm swiping. I'm swiping. Oh cute. Okay. Wait.

So you're getting so many messages and things. I'm sorry. I'm just swiping them away. This is a really cute picture of you. I was trying to figure out what you were doing. Okay, so you have a pineapple. Is that a drink, a cocktail?

It is a cocktail at this place downtown called John George's or George Jean's. It's a terrible place. Wait, what is it called? It's like George John's or George Jean's or Tom George's. I don't know. It's the worst bar I've ever gone to, but provided a very good picture. It's a really cute cup. And you look like you're having fun.

You look like a fun girl. Thank you. And your makeup looks really pretty. Thank you. Your hair looks beautiful. Your nails. You look great. Oh, I like this one.

Okay, it's you next to a kiddie Jeep situation. And you're given that kind of like that chola girl from the block kind of pose. Squatted down low. Again, beautiful and fun. Thank you. Now, again, I can't get a date. So do you want my opinions? Of course I do.

Okay. Now, here's you with a dog. Very sweet. Is that your dog? That's my dog, Clyde. He will bite you. He's so cute, though. He's so cute, but he bit my cleaning lady.

Oh, no. And she revealed it yesterday. She was like, we were talking about feeding the dogs, and she's like, sometimes I feed them a little bit. I said, oh, yeah, that's fine. She's like, because I want them to like dogs. And she's like, sometimes I feed them a little bit. I said, oh, yeah, that's fine. She's like, because I want them to like me. And I said, they like you. And she went, not the little one.

He bites me. And then right as she said he bites me, he leapt up into her arms. And she looked at him and went, you lie. Oh, he's got a secret relationship when the doors close. When we're not home, he bites her. Oh, my god, Clyde. He's so rude. Okay, now this is like

a real like stripped down, like just a very pretty, beautiful picture of you with glasses on. And it's also showing like, oh, I'm smart. Like, you know. I'm smart.

I read. I'm smart sometimes. I've read books. They're reading glasses. Yeah, and it's pretty. It's very pretty. Like, it's just a pretty picture of you. I think it's good.

Is that it? That's it. I think so. I think that's it. I don't know what to do about these fucking dating apps. My grinder just says, let's chat, have a connection, never actually meet, and then ignore each other at Ackbar one of these nights, which is what happens every time. Everybody in my neighborhood I see on there,

we have these great conversations, we never actually meet, and then I go to Ackbar and it's just dodging left and right, like, oh God, not that guy. I don't understand why anybody wants to talk to anybody on the Internet in text form for a long time and then never meet them. I know. It's like, are we pen pals? Is that what we're doing here? It feels like it feels so weird and I don't like it.

It bums me the fuck out. Well, the problem is that it's become normal and it's only becoming more normal. And so people are just used to that. I have found that if I speak to somebody for like more than three days, typically I'll go, let's go out. And then they'll unmatch me. Oh. And I don't understand why. And I don't understand why.

It's probably because it's like literally a child in like a Muppet person costume trying to be a human, trying to be an adult. I stole my mom's phone and I'm catfishing. Yeah. I would love to meet somebody who is like three children stacked on top of each other, like just show up at a restaurant. It would make me laugh so hard. Yeah. Do you have, who are your single gay friends? My single gay friends, nope, they're all in relationships.

Well, except for Nick, but Nick lives in New Jersey. Oh, well, listen, at this point, I'm so desperate I would relocate to New Jersey. No, I'm not desperate. I'm not desperate. I'm desperate. I try very hard to, like, remind myself that I'm not desperate and that someone should be so lucky to fucking date me. I hung out with a guy that I was, I dated for, like, a very short amount of time. And then we were, like, texting.

And then we were talking about me being single and I was like well it's wild that I'm still single and then he decided to not reply to that and I was like cool cool cool. I think that they don't like hearing things like that. Maybe. Because one thing that I have on my Tinder that's like so I guess cheesy

but it's like it's true it's generally how I feel like I have such a fun life and my dreams come true every day I just have I have just like on this amazing journey of life and I wish I could share it with somebody and I want somebody to be on it with me I like that because I feel the same way I'm like I'm like living my dream. It's my best friend Nick from Jersey texted me this morning my high school graduation picture and then his. And I was like, oh, we were so gross. Then he sent me Broadway Bound, which is like a superlative that I wanted.

But two other people got it, and I was like, well, look at that. You didn't get a superlative, but you are bound, not to Broadway, but you're doing it. You're acting. You're doing what you wanted to do,

and then it was just like, things don't matter. You're living your dream, and it did make me feel good until I started talking about how single I am. Roz, would you date me yeah i feel like i first of all i thought this was a date uh whoops uh i guess i gotta suck your dick now is that how it goes on a first date for you i will suck a dick upon meeting somebody and i think that's a problem because i do the same thing maybe it is a problem i'm so easy i am too and i think that it's traditionally you're not supposed to be and yeah traditionally it has

worked for a lot of people to not be that way. But I like to go against what traditions say. I also like to be untraditional. Nontraditional? Untraditional? I don't know. But I've waited and it hasn't been good. And I've slept with people immediately and it hasn't been good. So I don't know what the true answer is.

I don't know how people get married without having sex. I think it's wild. You have to taste the goods before you. Yeah. You wouldn't buy a cow without testing the milk. Well, I just wouldn't buy a cow. But yeah, I get what you mean. Ah, no, you wouldn't buy shoes without trying them on.

There you go. That works better. You gotta try them on. Because I think if you tried to taste unpasteurized milk, you'd get sick. Okay. Yeah. Or you might, you know, yeah. I get what you're saying.

Yeah. Yes. Milk is a weird thing. Well, yeah. And like, what if you're married to a weird thing? I know. Like, imagine. And you didn't realize it.

Like, what if they're into some real freaky deaky shit that you don't want to get into? Then that would be too terrifying. Did you hear about that man who killed his two kids and his wife? No. They met on Facebook a couple years ago. They got married. They had a great life. He murdered his whole family, took them to work, put them in oil canisters,

and then went on television and was like i just want them to come home but he killed them so they're never coming home oh my god that's my greatest fear finally yes finally finding someone to be like i'll date you i'll love you we get married and i wake up one day and he's got a knife and he's gonna kill me i'd be like i guess i should have stayed single for the rest of my life oh my god you don't know who you're dating you don't you don't know people people are unpredictable and they're crazy yeah that's i i've i've had a couple of um horror stories on like grinder and tinder really with people that i'm like oh that's the other thing about dating online you're literally meeting a stranger you may have you can't

like you can't really vibe the way you can read crazy over a text message all right ross we've And do you have anything you want to promote? Oh, yeah. Well, I have a podcast. It's called The Gasp that I co-host with my best friend Sam Pancake. And it's really, really fun. And we've had like amazing people on. We've had like a bunch of famous drag queens, but then also people like Connie Britton, Mollylly shannon lauren graham all kinds of people um so listen to that the gasp and um help me become instagram famous follow me at roz

dress palazzo it's all z's in my name and then um go see my show the once over at the world famous hollywood improv that you did last time the next next one. It honestly is a treat of a show. You are a treat of a person. Thank you for coming. I very much appreciate it. Bye. Oh, wait. No, I can't end.

If you like my podcast, I do this all the time. If you like my podcast, please rate it five stars and leave me a nasty message and I'll read it. So this is, they don't have a name. It's just like a rose, five stars and a fox. It says, Nicole, you're the best. I'll let you jam my butt with your fist until I can rosebud on demand. Then I'll cover that rosebud in five stars and slide into your puss. Or human pinky pie hey nicole thank god i'm a lesbian because if i suffocate if i suffocate between your thighs

i would die happy so send me shit like that and i'll read it out loud bye This has been a Team Coco production.