Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Sex Tips to Make Your Girl Cum (w/ Ify Nwadiwe)

Episode Date: October 26, 2018

"I promise you, you'll never fuck good enough to not have to eat pussy"Ify Nwadiwe (@midnight, Buzzfeed Video, Nerdificent Podcast) joins us to discuss playing D&D with the Sprouse twins, provides sex tips for the guys, and living vicariously through thirst traps. Nicole's pussy is sick this episode. She shares her latest stand up horror stories, and crazy tinder messages.You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where I try to figure out how I'm still single, even though I'll let you fist me and use me as a puppet. And I'll even talk. I'll be like, my guest today, you know him, you love him. He wrote for At Midnight. He has a improv group called White Women that performs at UCB monthly. They're very funny. Also, you were on the UCB show. Yeah.

And you're perfect. Ify. No. Yeah, you keep trying to say that M. Wadi. Wadi. W perfect. Ify. No. Yeah. You keep trying to say that in. Wadiwe. Wadi. Wadiwe.

Wadiwe. Jesus Christ. I truly asked Ify before we started how to say it. And then I got real excited and immediately forgot it. Ify, thank you so much for being here. Thanks for having me. I've been wanting to be on this cast for a long time. I love talking relationships. I love talking relationships.

I love talking sex. You know what's next. What is next? Relationship, sex, marriage, and a baby. Yep, that did happen. You have a baby. Yeah, small.

You have a baby that I still have not met even though- I know, I was thinking about bringing her, but they were gone when I got back from the gym. Oh, that would have been

so much fun. But this baby's no longer a baby. This baby's two. Yeah, she's a toddler. Yeah, two. And I missed the sweet part for me. Yeah, yeah. I love a baby, a cherub,

a fat little dummy that only cries. Yeah. And smiles. Yeah, no, I get it because I've picked up other babies now. And I'm like, oh yeah, no, this was the moment. Now she's turned into a little woman slash demon with like opinions oh yeah when i was nannying i remember i had the kid from like

he was like seven days old to about two i remember the day he was like cole i don't like skeddy and i was like since when you eat skeddy all day every day dumpster idiot. Where are you getting this opinion from? So is being a dad, is it hard? A little bit. I mean, look, I feel like when you're a comic dad, you have a whole different dad experience because you're like, hey, all right, babe, I'm out for the night because I got to work.

And especially when you also do something something in the day you're like all right i'm gone in the day because i gotta work so what you're saying is you're a deadbeat dad that's exactly what i'm saying i try and like you know spice it up a bit you know but yeah no 100 no i'm kidding it is hard um i would think, for a balance. Oh, yeah. Just because it's like, as a comedic actor, you work during the day if you book work. Yeah. And then you're doing shows at night. Oh, yeah. So has your kid gone to any of your shows now?

No, not yet. Actually, one show. I did a show at Meltdown. Rest in peace, Meltdown. For some reason, Aurora had to meet me there and had Naomi with her. So she was in the back sleeping during the show. Oh, that's cute. So she has been to one show.

I recently did a show at Missouri State University. Oh, man, yeah. I caught you in transit. That was real fun. You did? Oh, that, yeah. I caught you in transit. That was real fun. You did! Oh, that's so funny! Yeah, so over the weekend I did like four college shows, and waiting in the TSA pre-check line, I looked up and I was like, oh, that's iffy. So then I did my classic squat look up and went, iffy! And scared a bunch of white people on that line.

Yeah, they did not know what was going on. They were like, is it an attack? What is happening? Also, TSA, they love to go, so where are you headed? And my response is always, what's on the boarding pass? I don't fucking know. I'm going to five different places this week. I don't know. But yeah, we ran into each other.

I had a good show at Frostburg University. Loved them. They were great. Then I went to missouri state university oh wow there was a baby in the crowd crying oh yeah moaning okay doing baby things so that was a super mom who's like yeah i'm going to college i'm gonna be a mom it was parents weekend oh and i asked before i got on stage i said you want me to keep this cleaner? The girl said, no, be you. That's why we booked you.

You better believe everyone was very angry with me. Oh, that's hilarious. There was a phone call to my agent. See, I've heard so many phone call to agent stories. But I asked. I tried to. I should have known i should have said you know what nicole let's use deductive reasoning there's a baby in the crowd people are with their parents they don't want to hear about your pussy but guess what those

republicans needed to hear about a black person okay i don't know if they're Republicans. I have no idea. It's a good chance. Missouri? To be fair, some people did enjoy the show. There was one woman in the front row. I meant to thank her. She was a round, fat, little white lady. I loved her. She was tee-hee-hee and a knee-slapping. So, lady, if you

recognize yourself and you listen to this, thank you! You need that person in your show who's really fucking with you. I did historical rows in the belly room. And there was this, like, dude in the front, like, the second row to the, like, right of the stage who just would be like, that's funny. And which is great because I normally like when it's an old black man, but this was like a young Asian dude. I'm like, all right, we're passing the torch here. We're getting progressive and he would just be like like there was a i did

a joke that like did one of those things where like it took people a while to get it and he goes oh good joke that's very funny but then also grades on my nerves a little bit because i said grades greats on my nerves because great i'm so glad you're having fun but do you have to audibly say good joke and also if you're gonna audibly say good joke you have to go mediocre joke bad joke i hated it i feel okay about it but also don't talk during a comedy show just don't fucking do it if you're gonna do it at least have a clipboard so i'm like okay well he's evaluating the whole situation that would be so funny i would love to be like all right let's see your notes my favorite is after shows a lot of older white men like to

come up to me and say wow you're funny some of the stuff i didn't relate to but i think you should keep doing it and i'm like oh gee golly thanks george yeah i guess i will i guess i'll keep doing comedy because you tell me to i love that they came to a show that you were flown out for that to think she might give up if i don't yeah if i don't tell her right here right now she might go home and sleep for the rest of her life and never do comedy again oh boy traveling is awful i for whatever reason was like i'm not drinking this weekend oh wow so i didn't drink the whole weekend and i was like i don't know how they're sober people in the midwest this is bad here i don't like it yeah i don't like it i also

was trying to swipe on t and everybody in the Midwest seemed bad. I got a message from a man who currently is like, I don't know, 2,000 miles away from me. He said, dominatrix? That's it. I have goofy

pictures. I would be the worst dominatrix. I'm going to step on your dick. But you know what? That might be a kink. They're like, yeah, laugh. Laugh while you step on it. Please. Then I could be a dominatrix if someone was like, I want you to humiliate me.

Humiliate, humiliate, humiliate. I want you to make fun of me and giggle. Then I could do it. But otherwise, I don't think i could oh man yeah no that seems like a rough grind see for me it was the opposite when i went to dc i was like okay i'm gonna pause on the keto and do drink and your boy got too tore up uh with some mimosas uh look your boy i love pumpkin spice lattes i love mimos. And if I find the right Ugg boot, it's going on the feet. I call your crew the wine drinking sensitive black men of L.A.

When I go out with these boys, we always meet at this wine bar. Oh, Covell, yeah. Yes, don't tell them. It's fine. them it's fine we'll meet at coval and we'll all be drinking a rosé or a nice white or a full-bodied red and get in our feelings look it is honestly it's my it's one of my most favorite things because i feel like black men don't get to be in their feelings oh yeah and they don't get to sit and have wine and you know giggle with their boys like i love it it makes me so happy yeah we're a team full of drakes like

everyone it's it's about five drakes and for me i'm i'm an ice cube but like are we there yet ice cube like i used to be hard because you used to be hard personally i yeah covelle is in my gym like i like to go places where we drink a lot and I can grind my genitals against the butt of a woman consensually, I'm not going to be that weird but you have a wife are you married? you're full ass married what's the other married?

like a half ass where you're in a domestic partnership where you've just been together for so long we'll see how progressive we get if it ends in an open relationship. Well, you already have a progressive living situation. Yeah, I know. You have a baby, a wife, and a roommate.

I know. That's actually how I grew up, too. Oh, really? Yeah, because my dad, he would bring people from Nigeria, they would like room in our house. So I was, I was used to like growing up in a house with like two random ass niggas just kicking it. Love it. Yeah. So, uh, was it weird though?

Uh, no, it wasn't. It just was like, all right, this is the family. It was like full house. I like that. Yeah. I guess full house is just like three weird adult men and a bunch of girls yeah basically wait how what is the demographic okay so there's danny tanner and his three girls yeah and then uncle jesse is whose uncle yeah i feel like it's just that thing that black people do where like

you you either say mr mrs or call them uncle or auntie I had a lot of aunties who were not my aunties growing up. I also had this message on Tinder. He said, I can't believe I match with you. I love your show. Are you as fun off screen as you are on camera? I like that he like fanned out, but also tried to turn it into like a fuck situation where it's like, are you as fun?

Yeah. It's like, I don't want to know but here's the thing about it so i didn't answer yeah hoping that he would be like hey i hope that wasn't off-putting i would like to like meet up i don't know like just like a follow-up and then he never followed it up with anything and i've said on the podcast before that i don't love when people mention my work to me at first because then i don't know what you're looking for yeah it does seem kind of you know all over the place yeah so i prefer a dude to not mention it to if you've heard of me to act like you've never heard of me and then when we meet up maybe like an hour into the conversation

or like 45 minutes you just like mention it casually. And then we go, okay, well, we talked for 40 minutes and it was like, good. Yeah, let's pull back the beat. Now you can be like, I do know who you are. And we can keep talking. We don't have to keep talking about it. That reminded me of, speaking of Meltdown rest in peace I used to play D&D with Cole and Dylan Sprouse

at uh yeah they would do Dungeons and Dragons there and their big rule was like don't talk about Zack and Cody you come no looky lose only come to play he literally tweeted that out he was like D&D at Meltdown at 6

no looky lose I well it just Only come to play. He literally tweeted that out. He was like, D&D at Meltdown at six. No looky-loos. Well, I think it's a little uncomfortable because people will either, people like to say, I like your work. And then you say, thank you. And then they want to ask you questions about it. Yeah. Or they go, I like this one thing you did, but I really didn't like this. Oh, yeah. I hate that.

Okay. Okay. Like I would call it a compliment sandwich, but it's more of a compliment pizza because they just rest the complaint on top of the compliment and leave it. I've gotten so many complaints where I'm like, I don't know what you want me to say to this. I've really gotten in a crotchety level with that. Cause we'll get like, you know, with my podcast,

Nerdificent shout out listen listen listen you will get like messages where it's like hey man normally love this show that's what i like is normally just big this is good for me and then it's been like the i don't like this aspect of it like i just got a a message this weekend where somebody literally described another podcast to me and why they like it and why we should be like and i was like you know you're trying to tell me how to do our podcast and you know i think i've made it very clear that my only response to that is fuck you yeah go fuck yourself but honestly cole and dylan spraouse are so sexy. I would fuck them so hard that their ancestors would start crying.

Like, I love them. They are so hot. I would do a threesome with them. And it would be fun because I'd be like, I don't know which one's which. I got a review on iTunes where someone didn't like my podcast. They said, one star only for the self-deceived. So disappointing. Sadly, this podcast promotes ideas that aren't based in reality.

Hates men and supports some counterproductive mental health concepts. It's like therapy that will never get anyone where they need to be. And that was from El Mub. I love things like that. Oh, yeah. I love it, and I also love to go click their name and see their other reviews. Oh, I should have done that. This is a person with time. Oh, so much time.

Oh, way too much time. So much time. Oh, so much time. Oh, way too much time. So much time. Oh, yeah. I try to not make time to hate on people and spend time on them. For a minute, I was like, I will make time to hate some. Oh, yeah. But then I really got to a point where I was like, for what? What are you doing?

Like, worry about your own coins. Secure that bag. And don't worry about nobody else. But this person, I don't hate men. I just need to clear that one up. Let's clear the air. I think I say on almost every episode, I love to gobble dicks. And I'll reiterate it.

You put a dick in my mouth, I'll suck it. You give me a little booty hole, I'll suck it. You give me a little booty hole. I'll finger it. I love men. I love attention from men. I love men. Also, I talk about how I go to therapy. So I don't know what I I'm sorry that you hate this podcast so much.

Also, you'll probably never hear this. So if anyone out there knows El Mub, please let him know. I love men. And I'm all about therapy and talking to actual mental health professionals. Well, you know, we'll see his takes on Adele Givens. Probably the same. I love Adele Givens. Oh, man.

Yeah. Like, Carl was just sitting in the house watching like all like first watch the like set that the soundbite comes from and then just like let it run. Adele Givens jokes. of the funniest motherfuckers you will ever see in video or in person i want her to have all of the success she's been around since the 80s she used to do um comedy def jam she's got this one set that literally leaves the audience they get out of their seats and run around because the joke is that funny and honestly i don't want to ruin it or spoil it like just i think she's wearing a black outfit and the set is i'm such a fucking lady which is a punchline to a couple of the jokes yeah or not a punchline but it just it's like a through line to the set and it's a perfect set and it's so funny adele gibbons nicole byer loves you so much

yeah and that's the same set that the soundbite comes from. Oh, yes, yes, yes. So, yeah, definitely check it out. The soundbite from Kanye West and Lil Pump's song. I love it. I love it, which was featured on SNL where they dressed up as a Fiji bottle and sparkling water. My friend Kanye's lost his mind. Yeah, you know, it's been hard for me.

I'm a Kanye stan, you know. And every time somebody wants to talk to you, it's like, sorry, everyone can't be a Beyonce stan. Okay. Everyone can't be, you know, some of us has,

has to have faves that are problematic, but you know what? It could be worse. I could be an R. Kelly stan. I mean, or a Chris Brown stan. Oh, yeah. Kanye though.

We all have to remember Kanye has so much money. Yeah. Like when you get money like that, you are a Republican. You have to be. You want to keep your money? Well, also, it's like, I find that when you have a certain amount of money, you just aren't as in tune with shit as people are. Sure, yeah. You know, like, I used to be around another rich person who won't be named, but had, you know.

So a secret Nigerian billionaire was your best friend. No, no, this person was white. So your secret white billionaire friend, Bill Gates. It's not very secret if you look at my credits. Oh, shit. Yeah. I know who you're talking about. Okay.

But I remember for his birthday, he was like, oh, I wanted to do a nice thing. So I said, instead of giving me gifts, donate to the Salvation Army. And then there he's like, and because we're at the rehearsal and he's like, guys, is Salvation Army bad? And we're like, yeah, no, they're very bad. And then so he told us like that thing where he's like, he was just trying to do this nice thing. And it was so funny because it was like, oh yeah, no, we, me and you live in different worlds because like,

I'm boots on the ground, mad about everything. And you're like, life's tight. Life's great. And you know, that's not necessarily a bad thing, but that just, that just kind of was a show to me. It was like, oh yeah, you are too busy securing bags to be paying attention to everything everyone's mad about on Twitter. Yeah, I mean. That's where I want to be.

I want to be where it was like, damn, Ify has lost touch. He used to be on here fucking talking about, now he's fucking dapping Elon Musk as they piss on pores. That was wild. If you don't know, Kanye West went to a small liberal arts college, stood on a desk, and told them to leave Elon Musk alone, which I don't think any of them were bothering him. Yeah, it was tight because here's when being poor is

that because i'd like canceled my model 3 reservation uh because i was like look i can't support this but also it's like i don't need another bill i mean let's get real them cars are very expensive i don't like them because they're a computer and they what's to stop somebody from driving them all off a cliff well yeah someone yeah, someone's definitely going to hack a Tesla. Right. And kill everybody. Okay. We need to take a break.

And we're back. What a fun break. And we're back. If so, you've been married for how long? It's going to be three years and a few months. And how long have you been with your wife? It'll be five years.

It's five years now. Damn. That's a good long time. Where did you guys meet? UCB. Her first day in LA, she was taking a sketch class and I was in the sketch class. She moved to LA and then immediately took a class? Yeah, because she was from San Francisco

and she was like, I want to start LA off on a good foot. I'm going to drive down to LA on my first day and take the class. And she did start off on a good dick, which is mine. There you go, there you go. I was going to say good foot and then I thought of that pun. No, no, it's great. I loved it.

I'm here for it because I love men and they have dicks. Or some people who identify as men have dicks. It is not exhausting, but it's hard to remember to not be exclusive and to be inclusive of all people. We got to be out there. It's hard. It's hard for me to remember but i'm trying i'm trying to be an ally trying um iffy so were you in the sketch class yeah so it was my first day too your first day in la as well no no no my first day in the class i was born and raised out here

oh i didn't know yeah i'm an la baby where in la did you grow up uh I grew up in Compton. And then from Compton, I moved to Downey, eighth grade, which is a, well, I moved to Downey technically in 10th grade. I started going to school in Downey in eighth grade. But basically this whole thing happened where my stepmom got mad at my sister, went upside her head. And then my sister wanted to be dramatic dramatic uh and went to school and and cried and was like my mom she hit me and so then they came to the house that we said that we lived at not cps the school they know cpa is a yeah no you're right cps child protective services

so they came to our house they're like oh y'all don't live there so the school was like we don't care about that shit anymore oh no y'all supposed to be living out here so then we had to move to downy oh i see i see were you you're muscular now for my listeners you can't see if he but if he got a body and when he hugged me I said oh but did you have you when I met you you were muscular but you weren't as like cut yeah so have you always been like a muscly person uh I got into my muscly-ness around uh I totally remember this because you know when you have those light bulb moments in life where you're like oh I like this I'm gonna do this forever. I started lifting weights in high school, senior year, like junior, senior year because I was in track. Ah, yeah.

Because quick back story, I was never able to do football because my dad, when he came out here from Nigeria, his first roommate was a guy who went to college for football, got injured and lost his scholarship. And he was so afraid that that would happen to me. He was so afraid that I'd be. He wasn't worried about CTE? No. I guess he didn't know about it then. Not yet.

But now he's like, I was right. I was right. It's not great. And I have to be like, you were. So he. Did you run or were you in the field? Oh, I was field. I was always like.

Shot put? Yeah, shot and discus. I did shot put. Yeah. Yeah, baby. My coach was like, you could go all the way. You could be number one in the state. And I said, I'm so sorry.

I have to go to drama practice. Oh, I had the exact same situation. So from like, I think I'm going to say 10th grade till senior year, I was doing track and I was like crushing. And my coach was like yeah and then i found comedy sports high school league which if you're aware of comedy sports it's a competitive family friendly improv group it's probably you have to wear a hat and they sing at you uh and and they had a high school oh yeah no it's like it was funny because like when i was in

it i loved it and then when i found long form was like, now this is where the cool kids are at. This is where art flows and improv. Yeah. So we did comedy sports, and then it ran the same time as track. So I had to choose. Obviously, I chose comedy sports because it was the first time I was like, because all my life I've wanted to act. But my dad's from Nigeria. My mom's from Louisiana.

They never once was like take a drama class they're just like okay I was like what and so um and someone actually so I've set this story on a few podcasts and I'm saying it again okay because someone actually sent me a picture of this so since I grew up in LA some summers summers they would air this commercial that was like, join, if you call this number and we'll make you a model or an actor, call this number. And all summer I would see it and I would want to call, but I didn't. And then the school year started and I regretted not calling it. So at the end of this next school year, I'm like, this is the year I call the number and I become a big actor. This is the year. And I told myself i was gassing myself up all year so at the end of the year i instead of like signing

yearbooks just normally i gave everyone autographs and were like you are my favorite person this is going to be worth something because i was so sure that i was to like skyrocket into famousness that summer. Let me say something. If you are thinking about becoming an actor or a comedian, you have to have some sort of delusion. And Ify, that delusion is right on track. I love that you signed people's yearbooks being like, this will be worth money someday. Oh, yeah. That's so funny. So like I'm signing all the yearbooks gassed up of course that summer that commercial played not once so i dragged my bum ass back to school but someone recently from my high school tagged

me on facebook on their signed yearbook and i pointed to the signature and said, this will be worth money someday. Two things wrong with that. One, autographs aren't worth money anymore. That is such a 90s thing. No one gives a shit about autographs. And two, yeah, still on the spectrum of autographs, that just isn't going to be worth much. Did you have relationships in high school?

I had two significant ones. There was the one where I almost lost my virginity, but then I forgot condoms. Being responsible sucks. That's great. Being responsible sucks. I just went to the gynecologist today because my pussy's sick.

Oh no. But like not bad sick. Okay. Sick and it'll clear up by Wednesday. Sick and ill. Clear up. Bye. Wednesday.

The gynecologist was like, do you use condoms? And I said, yes. And he's like, good. Men are bad. Or he goes, men do weird things. And I was like, OK. But you're a man? This is so weird. Oh, yeah.

He was definitely projecting on me. Yeah, I was was like i wanted to be like sir what weird things have you done to a woman what are you like shitting in their pussy what are you doing well i i feel like there are so much weird things that the media sells to us like the thing i never got that was just so strongly pushed by media is like smelling panties like i never got how like like and like you know what i will admit when i if you like in my early 20s like let me try this and see what the hype's about and i was like this does nothing for me what was the what who who was that like i need to smell panties i'll

tell you it was some adult male writer who was like this isn't weird. Everyone does this. Of course I fucking smell panties. Yeah, I've never smelt anyone's underwear because it like cradles their dick. Like, I don't know. I'll suck a dick. I'm not gonna smell your dick. I'm gonna smell your dick. Well, see, that's...

Here's a quick question I have for you. Yes. So do you... Yo, dick. Well, see, here's a quick question I have for you. Yes. So do you, are you like anal about like your toothbrush touching like your partner's toothbrush? I've never lived with a partner. Ah. I've never had my toothbrush next to a partner's toothbrush. But I know in my heart of of hearts your toothbrush absolutely will not touch my toothbrush i see that's that my wife does that and i don't get it i was like you kiss me after i

eat your ass you do we do much grosser stuff what's the grossest stuff you guys do oh man uh i don't know i i think yeah i think eating ass is the top, which isn't like super gross. It's not gross. I'm a huge supporter of eating ass. I've been pro eating. Spread those cheeks and get your mouth on that puckered little hole. Here's the thing is like I've been on eating ass since I've started eating pussy. I feel like what have you been doing? But you can't eat a butt and then eat the puss.

I mean, yeah, you start off there, you go back. But then you can't go back to the puss. I guess so. You shouldn't. Yep. Is that what your gynecologist told you? Well, no. I was Googling stuff.

I was Googling because my pussy's sick right now. So I was like, is that something that makes your pussy sick? It does. Yeah, yeah. So if you eat the butt, you got to rinse your pussy sick? It does. Yeah, yeah. So if you eat the butt, you got to like rinse your mouth out before you go back to the pussy. Yeah. But I can't imagine at least like a less sexy thing. Oh, yeah.

That a man eating your butt and then going, let me go get some mouthwash so I can hit that pussy back. Yeah, just give me a second. Now you got this minty flavor. And also the mouthwash would like burn. You're like, ah. a second now you got this minty flavor yeah you're like ah so i think um ass eating has to be the thrilling conclusion to the episode of sex that is happening well yeah it's been crazy like i don't know what these porn stars are doing because they used to because that that's why you would never see people go from anal to vaginal because that was so strict but now

it's the wild wild west right i have seen women get their assholes blown out and then their fucking pussy slammed like almost immediately so i'm like there must be a new thing out in these streets that they need to share might be on fire tomorrow i read an article an article it was like this online thing about it was like the grossest thing that's happened in porn and this girl was like so i was like having sex and i was on my period the week before and i like took off my underwear and there was a smell and i was like really self-conscious about it and i didn't know what to do and then we were having sex and then it was painful then i had to go to the hospital and you better believe there was a sponge in this bitch's pussy

for a week her pussy stank she was still fucking for money and then went to the doctor and the doctor pulled a fucking sponge out this bitch's cavity i was shocked floored gagged and upset yeah in that wild yeah that's so wild you would think that'd be the first thing you'd want to snatch out after you're just like let me deal with that sponge fucking and my fuck hole smelled bad i would make sure that like it got taken care of yeah these bitches be walking around doing the wildest things oh yeah but also i've been pretty wild my pussy's also sick because i'd been working out and just falling asleep in my gym clothes which is disgusting i was like i dare you to get sick pussy and my pussy was like okay yeah all right immediately um so you said you almost

lost your virginity to a woman but you forgot the key i'm dumb yeah so how long did you date that person uh we dated oh man i think it was like a month or so. I mean, it was a high school relationship. Okay. I don't know. I never had a relationship in high school. I was pimply fat. My jeans were always too tight.

And I was one of five black kids. Oh man, see that, that's that math right there. Because, you know, when you're in a, when you are, oh man. Because my school was typically i don't want to say predominantly white because i think it was predominantly latino but there were a lot of white kids and obviously you know we as black people have been conditioned to be attracted to white people uh and when you when you when when you do are in a school like that you do hear weird things like definitely like hearing way too many times like i don't date black people and there's like a a prominent aurora has begged me not to blast the person but i won't but there's a prominent uh

feminist comedian who told my wife that because she was like talking about guys and uh she was like well if he's on a team with like five other handsome black dudes and she's like i don't date black men and i was and i was like see you can never trust these white women you can never trust them so after you dated that girl for a month who did you date uh so then i didn't necessarily date this person your relationship okay uh there was this uh high school girl who uh i lost my virginity to uh her name is was glennis how old were you i was 18 i was like 17 or 18 at this point because the reason the whole reason i was like i gotta lose my virginity because american pie was the big thing and so that was i was like i can't graduate without losing my virginity i

just watched that movie and i was like what a problematic movie 100 it's the whole reason i forced myself to lose my virginity. Because this movie set the standard that you're a real dweeb if you don't get pussy before you graduate. American Pie is a story of 30-year-old men who are still in high school trying to lose their virginity before they go to college. And then they record a woman without her consent naked. And they blast it to the whole school. And a child watches it. And Stifler lets his child brother watch it. That movie is so fucked up.

Not to mention that Stifler's mom bangs a teenager. Bangs a teenager. Yeah. But I will say this. There is a scene where there's a secret book about eating pussy. And that is problematic because where there's a secret book about eating pussy and that is problematic because why is it a secret why doesn't everyone get that book but remember it's thick and i'm like it's not that hard just like but remember it used to be that used to be the big thing in rap where

it's like i don't eat pussy a lot of black men still maintain that they don't eat pussy that's one of my favorite things to do was like shitting on men where it's like oh you're bad at sex that's your that's your whole angle is like no because i fuck so i promise you you'll never fuck good enough to not have to eat pussy no also. Also, it's like, I will redact the name of this member of white women. Okay. Who was saying like, you know, he was having troubles with sex troubles with the person he was dating. He was like, you know, I feel like, you know, I climaxed too fast. And, you know, she's never happy.

And I was like, have you tried eating her out before you have sex and he was like what i was like if you if she comes it doesn't matter how it lasts a life pro tip to any dudes listening who's like fuck man i feel like just make them come first and i promise you yes they will not care however long you last they'll be like i'm good i'm good whatever i came at least one that's my tip you know yes also tell your friend to ask the woman what she wants dudes are so afraid of that they're so afraid of communication and it's so hot when someone goes do you like this and you're like yes and we can do this. Sex is an improv scene. Oh, yeah, 100%.

So your location is a bedroom. Yeah. You're in the bed. Are we going to scene paint right now? You're in the bed. There's two people there. The lights are dim, but they are on because you need them on. Yeah.

Because you need to see what's happening. And people who have sex in the dark, you can't do it. You have to see your body because it's your body and they're there for that. You have to see their body because you're there and you're there for that. Also, you've got to make sure there are no bumps and lumps and, you know, creepy crawlers.

That's very true. You know? Imagine the lights are off and then you turn them on and there's little crabs on his dick. Yeah. Like, also, I think another thing dudes are afraid of that they need to stop being afraid of lights are off and then you turn them on there's little crabs on his dick yeah like uh also i think another thing dudes are afraid of that need they need to stop being afraid of is like using toys in the second like they feel like it's like dude you're not john henry like you don't have to

compete against john henry uh the dude with the lumberjack man the the black dude who went against the railroad machine hmm let me see i don't know about this black uh history it was a black fable where he was like he was like the human lover jack oh let me see i might have said his name wrong so before your wife did you have any serious relationships uh yeah i my serious relationship before uh i had my wife and like the the relationship before probably hates my fucking guts and i totally understand why you get it because like her whole thing when uh when we were dating was like she was like i'm getting older i want to get married and have kids and i was like no i'm i'm on my grind out here oh no i'm on my grind out here and then you broke up with her got married and had a kid yeah but it it wasn't it wasn't on purpose and it wasn't yeah it was not

on purpose and it was it but look i know how it looks but you know yeah it was i don't mean you know we had other problems but like that but i'm like the optics on this like i understand i but i feel like that happens when a woman is like ult ultimatum, I need to get married. I need to have kids. And the guy's like, nah, the next person he dates, he will get married and have kids. Because it's not just you. I've heard that so many times. Yeah. It's wild.

It's like an unintentional curse. I guess so. It's the curse of love. Did you ever online date? Five years is a lot. Oh, yeah. So I was an OKCupid fiend. And here's the thing.

I'm real good at, like, you know, really having all my work come in late. For example, before comedy sports, at track meets, there are all these cute, thick cute thick super thick i love me a thick shot pudding woman would have been all over i would have been all over high school nicole no you wouldn't no i promise you cute i promise you i had a relaxer and you better believe my hair stuck out like a t-shirt my hair was not meant to be straight and i wasply. And you better believe that I never found a push-up bra. So I had two little lumps on my chest. Like the smallest little uniboob at all times. You better believe my tracks was coming out of my head.

Because I couldn't figure out how to glue them down right. I was a mess. But okay. But yeah, I was on the hunt. I was always after these shot put girls because they were just my, so I would, you know, but I was, I never came on strong. Look, I was,

I was, I was, look, I always respected a woman's agency. I never pushed up on them, you know, I never, it resulted in a time where the zeitgeist was to be a pushy male. It resulted in a lot of L's for me but now i'm like who gets the last laugh uh because you have a wife and a baby but basically yeah i i would always like be like

hey how's it going you know just like what's up you cute jokes and then after like literally the next meet after i choose to do comedy sports all all my track buddies are like, hey, Ify, all these shot put girls have been asking for you. And I was like, of course, of course now, when I'm done. That part of my life is over. That's so funny. So let's smash cut to OKCupid. You, I guess, went to a school where the shot put girls were cute because I, in Jersey,

a lot of them look like Jabba the Hutt. A lot of them were big, no necks, bodies, like a poop emoji body. That was kind of like my body in high school. Tiny up top, big at the bottom.

I guess I'm still a poop emoji. Hey. Okay. So did you ever hook up with any theater girls? No. Let's go back to OkCupid. Sorry. So what was your OkCupid experience like?

Oh, man. It was just L's after L's. I think I've met, I think, one or two people. There was one person who was like, let's get high and watch the big lebowski and i was like oh this is definitely a fuck text this was a white woman oh yeah and but definitely nothing past that i don't know what happened we never made it last like lots like all my all my okay cubists were weird strikeouts like there was one like older woman who like i was hitting it off with trying to like lay and then she was in oregon i was like why are you oh weird yeah and it was just always like something like that and then when me and aurora started dating i forgot to disable my ok cupid and a nice thick queen hit

me up and was like hey and i was like oh you gorgeous, but I just started a new relationship. I'm so sorry. And I was like, of course. That's what happens. What kind of intro lines would pique your interest? Like just a hello? How's your day going? What do you like?

Your question infers that people are hitting me up. Oh, no. They're not hitting you up. No, it is usually me and i try to you know i try and be you know i when i'm on a dating site i try and come with the energy of like hey i'm a fun guy and i'm not a murderer like that's that's what so i'm like hey how's it going you know because i because you know i remember i pressured my sister so much to get an okay cupid i was like this is you know how you'll find dudes and and um and like when she showed me her messages that she was getting i was

like i apologize i'm sad men do not believe the shit that other men say to women. They constantly, dudes are like, wait, no. He couldn't have possibly said that. And I'm like, yeah, right here. He said it. I had one guy message me. I think he was just confused. He was like, did we fuck behind a Wendy's last week? And I was like, what?

You don't remember that person? How many Wendy's are you fucking behind? And I said, no no we did not fuck behind a wendy's last week and then he was like was it a burger king and i was like we have never met and he was like oh okay well do you want to and i was like absolutely not it's just like if you're gonna fuck me behind a restaurant it's gotta at least be a shake shack it's a no it's gotta be like a mastro's we gotta get a fucking steak before you fuck me behind a restaurant. What's crazy is that he said multiple restaurants as if that's his move.

He's the fast food fucking bandit. Can you look at my Hinge profile and tell me what you think of it? Oh, yeah, of course. I've been on Hinge lately. This is a good first pick. I love the hair. Okay, thank you. Looking gorge.

Tell them what you see. Okay, so she's doing the G squat in front of a pink Barbie Jeep. Childhood crush, Captain Picard from Star Trek. Loved that bald-headed babe. And then we got you with the biggest dildo. Classic picture. Another cute pic, different hair, too. So you're letting people know it's all about variety.

Can you describe that picture? I don't know which one it is. It's like curly hair. You're in front of a POW art piece. Oh, yes, yes, yes. And then you have a shirt with teeth that are like, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. And it almost looks like you're going to feed the dildo to the shirt.

Yes, that's the joke. A monster shirt and a monster dildo. And he's hungry for it. See? Because I'm a professional comedian. A professional comedian understands. So then we have your about me. You got your age, your height, where you're at.

Yes, you drink. Yes, you smoke cigs. Yes, you smoke marijuana. marijuana and yes to some pills and then well i take adhd medication and i won't turn down molly oh yeah and then you have like the liberal sign letting people know like don't come with that shit which was probably great for uh the being out in missouri and then we got you in a jumpsuit throwing that ass back, which is good.

Let them know. Let them know it's big and it's powerful. Exactly. That's all the information I need. And then a beach pic. It is like the perfect spectrum of every pic you need on a dating site. Thank you.

You let people know you're fun. Let people know, look, I got that ass. And this is me in a bikini. Thank you. And then what I wanted to be when I grew up, a bus driver or mechanic, which is nice. Yes, I love cars, and I'd be the best bus driver. Then it's you hugging the most gorgeous dog, which is a pup tax for the internet.

She's a monster. A fact about me that surprises people, I don't know the lyrics to any full song. Like, maybe a chorus, but not a full song start to finish. Don't. Nice fun fact. Got you laying with your leg up, letting people know you're flexible. You know, that's look, that's letting you know you can slide right in. I mean, like that's, hey, different people have different flexibility. This is a great profile.

I like it. Thank you. Definitely would get a swipe from me. That would probably go unanswered. Thank you. different people have different flexibility this is a great profile i like it thank you definitely would get a swipe from me that would probably go unanswered thank you um no i'd answer you if you think you're adorable well i feel like i don't know what it was but whenever i was on any dating site i even had like i was able to be on tinder before i uh met aurora and like none of those sites something about me putting words down about myself never worked i did get put on like a tinder tumblr uh like because i had a picture of me holding two pizzas and it was like i'd go out on a date with him it was like okay then why didn't

you swipe because you because your boys were getting no swipe if you have animosity towards the people who wouldn't date you before you got a wife. But you have a wife. Yeah, I know. And I'm happy about that. But also, I'm a Pisces. And if you're into astrology, you know. I'm not. What does that mean?

That means I crave affection at all times and multiple partners. Look, your boy out here being mad vulnerable. You ever have an orgy? No, which was crazy because Aurora told me, she was like, oh yeah, I've been in a, like she's been in an open relationship before and she's like been in a threesome. And I was like, and you'd never want to do that?

She was like, no, I don't want to share you. I was like, why you got to be stingy with me though? You know? Because she wants all that chocolate she said i got a hershey bar and i want it for me yeah yeah so that so i live vicariously through my multiple thirst traps and just being uh you know as but i mean i've always been a slut like slut. Do you get hit on at the gym? No, because I feel like the gym is such a macho culture that the expectation is for me to make the first move, which is perfect. Because then I get to get all the affection and not have to be like, no, I'm sorry, I got a wife. I got hit on once at the gym and not actually, no, I was not hit on.

not actually no i was not hit on a i was like bending over like placing a mat on the floor and this man was on the phone and he went my view just got better and i turned around i was like are you talking to me and he went you heard that and i was like you said it out loud oh my god we're two feet from each other that's one of those like corny ass cornball like when motherfuckers would text like, I really like Sasha. Oops, I sent it to the wrong. It's like you fucking knew this was Sasha. You don't got no friends named Sasha. Dude, I fucking, I remember I did that and that shit never works. It never in the history because one, everyone sees through it and then it makes it even worse.

I was like, damn, you couldn't even be straight up. You had to do this cornball ass ruse and he wasn't even cute and he wasn't even working out he was wearing jeans and like like dress shoes i was like what are you doing here what sir are you doing here a little club pre-pump getting the pump people at the gym also like to to tell me that i'm doing a good job and i just just, this is a PSA, if you ever see a fat person at the gym moving their body, they know they're doing a good job. Yeah, that's so. It's so rude. Also, it makes me not want to ever come back because now I know that everyone's staring at me.

Also, as a real fit nerd and a gym nerd like the people who have the most to say are the people with the wackest bods like you know and i don't want to be on here body shaming but if you're already do it but if you're using like your presence at the gym as a fuel to your ego to make you think that you can like no you're not like every time i'm like and like i do i'm a petty ass nigga like that's just what i do so like whenever someone's doing too much i'll like one time someone was dead lifting like i think about like offer like 315 pounds which is like three plates and making the most noise the most theatric so i went next to him and dead lifted 500 pounds silently and he was and and he was quiet from there it's like stop i love a man in the

weight room i don't care how much weight is on the the bar but i love a man just going it's my favorite fucking thing because then i'll make noise with them. Yeah. I'll have like a five pound weight. I'll be like, ah, because I'm crazy. Ify, I ask all my guests this. Would you date me? Of course. I think about that all the time. It was like, yeah.

Thank you. Yeah. I feel like we'd be a dope power couple too i i've thought about this a lot where it's like man if if i was single who would be like my ucb power couple and i think it'd be us we're both like loud and black as fuck so like people would see us coming from a mile away unless it was nighttime yeah i know then people were like where's all that noise the ghosts are back again the ghost yo oh my gosh so you know i'm at buzzfeed now and for some reason there's a huge fucking tv

behind my desk that is just playing ghost shows uh like non-stop and it's like man like the fact that this like it makes me mad when when motherfuckers pass on my show. It's like, you bought this ghost show, and no one's buying my show. It is funny to see things on television and go, this is the best they could do? My favorite is a bad movie where a scene is awful, and you're like, that's the best take. There's one movie where, oh, I don't want to, whatever. So there was this movie I was watching where the character was supposed to be like crying and he couldn't cry. So he was blinking and scrunching his face up.

And I was like, so like not even a makeup girl helped him with those tears. You could do fake tears. One, two. I was like, that's the best he did. And I was watching this other movie where the person stumbled through their monologue and it wasn't a choice. No way. It was like, he doesn't know his lines and I fucking know it. Yeah. the person stumbled through their monologue and it wasn't a choice it was very much like he doesn't know his lines and i fucking know it yeah all right iffy we've come to the end

so if you like this episode of why won't you date me please like it subscribe give me a five-star review on iTunes or wherever you consume your content. And if you say something nasty, I will read it. So Aberneith said, Nicole is so funny. Thank you. I want to fill her puss up with apples, dunk my head right in, and go apple bobbing. I very much love that. Oh, man. And then there is Pola Sloth.

Nicole, love this show almost as much as I'd love to tag team that giant blue dildo until it creams Smurfs all over your beautiful chocolate body. Insert Jamaican air noise here. So I'll do that for you. Ba-bam, ba-bam. Wow. Okay. Kwan-pan the big old dildo as he squirts the smoke.

Ify, you're Nigerian. Can you refrain? I'm kidding. Ify, do you have- I was trying to shift into a Nigerian accent. Can you do one? Of course I can do a Nigerian accent. I've been mocking my father for

much too long. So we'll get the big dealer and we'll jerk it off until he smurfs. Have you seen that movie Concussion? Oh my gosh. With Will Smith? How is his accent? Bad! It's bad. It's funny because I feel like

a lot of people think that you can just do an African accent and it fits any hole. Not true. Every African accent has a specific dialect, especially like Senegalese. Yeah, like Senegalese, since they speak French over there, it's a very French-y sounding accent. Nigeria, it's very rough. And that's why what was so cool and interesting about the Black Panther African accent, it's very rough uh you know and that's why what was so cool and interesting about like the black panther african accent yes it's very whispery and like so when you do the african

when you do the wakandan accent you like you really do have to like whisper it out and and and that fact alone is like oh you put some thought into making it different because you understand that not all Africans sound the same. But because of that, when you have someone like Will Smith, who's probably done like a goofy African accent, you're like, oh, you're good at this accent. Nail this. And you have like white casting directors co-signing. I mean, he's Will Smith. So it's like, I'm going to put Will Smith in a movie.

Fuck the accent. Fair. Did you think it was weird in The Lion King that nobody had an African accent? Yeah. You know, but, you know, knowing what those castings probably were, probably for the best. And the live action one, I doubt they'll have African accents either. I feel like Donald Glover's artsy ass is going to try something out. I hope Beyonce tries it.

I'm going to do like a, like, I'm going to do an african accent but like what would be a lion's african accent you know because it's got like a slight roars to it yeah and she went to california that's a good impression yeah that was my that was a bot to me i love that it's a good that whole album is oh yeah but let's see. What would Beyonce's African accent? I am Nala and you better believe. I don't know. I can't. That was pretty good. I felt it.

Is this a good African accent or is it bad? Look, you know what? I'll let the listeners decide. Okay. If you're in Africa, please let me know if that accent was good. You can email me at baconcansave at gmail.com. Ify, do you have anything you want to promote before we get out of here? Oh, yeah. Definitely listen to my podcast, Candy Dinner, which drops every Monday.

Monday. Nerdificent drops Tuesdays. Catch me on Ify Wadiwe, I-F-Y-N-W-A-D-I-W-E, on Twitter and Instagram. Definitely on Instagram. me on iffy wadiway i-f-y-n-w-a-d-i-w-e on twitter and instagram definitely on uh instagram i'm really trying to get those instagram followers up because you know i definitely need these flat tummy tea sales uh definitely tummy tea approached me and i was like i'm bad for business your product is called flat tummy tea and you want a round tummied bitch to say it works for me?

Yeah. I don't think so, my friends. Yeah, so definitely. Also, they offered $100 for a post

and I was like, bitch. Oh no, that's trash. It was not. That's trash. But I will take it flat tummy T.

If you're listening now, hit your boy up. If you wadiway, I-F-Y-N-W-A-D-I-W-E, trust me, look, I got the thirst traps coming through.

If you like that, also sometimes funny posts. And if you like cute kids, my daughter makes appearances every now and then. Also, he's in an improv group, White Women. They have really fun guests. Eric Andre's done the show. I've done the show. So, Shears the Maid has done the show. I'm trying to think.

I'm glad we got both of y'all to do it. Has, what's his name done it from SNL? Chris Redd? No. Old. Oh, yeah. Tim Meadows. Tim Meadows has done it.

Yeah, Tim Meadows has done it. They have dope fucking guests. It's a really fucking fun show. Yeah, please come out. It's every month at UCB Sunset. Yeah, yeah. Every second Friday. It's coming up. When does Sunset? Yeah, yeah. Every second Friday. It's coming up.

When does this one episode drop? Girl, I don't know. Super producer Marissa, do you have any clue? It's going to be in late. Okay. Well, you missed this one. But what is it?

Third Friday? The second Friday. Second Friday of every fucking month. Go! Bye-bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.