Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Shoplifting Stories (w/ Sabrina Jalees)

Episode Date: July 27, 2018

Sabrina Jalees (Netflix's The Comedy Lineup) joins Nicole to discuss hot celebrities they've taped to their bedroom walls, why they both enjoy gay porn, and both share their shoplifting stories.You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

🎵 🎵 Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! 🎵 🎵 Oh boy! Oh boy! 🎵 oh boy my guest who you hear today so she's got a stand-up special on netflix it's called the lineup they are quarter hour but you have seen it you said i've seen it it's very funny uh you also wrote for crowded the mayor i just wrote on Search Party too. Oh, congrats. Which I love. The third season. It's on TBS. Congratulations. Thank you guys. You're welcome.

My guest is Sabrina Jollies. Boop, boop, boop. I've secretly been listening to this podcast, sitting on the sidelines, just waiting to be asked to dance. Really? Yeah. I'm so, when you said yes, i was so excited because i think you might be my first lesbian is that a weird thing to say first no i mean it's a weird

thing to have happen i feel like you know lesbians or maybe you don't am i your favorite lesbian you're my absolute favorite oh yeah Oh yeah! Can I ask you a personal question? Uh-huh. When did you come out? I came out I was 18 when I first fell in love with one of the drivers at the Just for Laughs festival. Oh.

And it was a woman and I thought like okay this will be like a quick phase where I like do dykey stuff for a quick minute. And then my pattern with boys was like, I've got a crush on Michael. And then Michael would have a crush on me and I'd be like, get the fuck away from me, Michael. You dirty poo dick. Dirty poo dick.

He didn't even have a poo dick. But then when I fell in love, I just felt like further and further and further in love. And then I had to start coming out to people. So I guess around like 18 and a half, like six months into that secret Montreal relationship. So yeah, between the ages of 18 to 20, I think I was around, no, I was like 19 when I came out to my parents. That's so young. Was it hard? 19 when I came out to my parents.

That's so young. Was it hard? For sure, because especially things have changed so much where there's pop stars named Hayley Kiyoko who are so cute and fun and I'm gay, who cares? And it's not a big deal. But back, I guess, I'm 33 now, so it was just like 15, how long is 18 plus yeah 15 years ago yeah um just the vibe is like it's it's like not fun to be different when you're younger when you're

younger you're just like learning how to like fit in um and a big part of that is like being some version of normal and I always considered myself some version of normal so it was hard for me to realize that i was like this different thing that was perceived as like other and perverse and like all the different like cat lady and like the word lesbian is like not like a it's never it hasn't been like associated with like sex it's like les molesty librarian library it's like not um but but it's like wow what a difference growing up makes and like looking back and realizing like oh it's such a lucky thing i feel i mean like for it just to now retap the thesis of the podcast, the like, why won't you date me? I feel like we've talked about this, but if you did date women and I know that you say that you have dated women, but like there's.

I've fucked women. I've never dated a woman, but I absolutely would. Yes. I feel like the market is different for women. Absolutely would. Yes. I feel like the market is different for women. Although when you're single and you're a woman and you date women, then you're like, it feels like you're shopping at like a boutique inside of a boutique.

So it does feel like harder to find women. But at the same time, when I hear my straight girlfriends talking about like the market, it seems like just a crazy stock market where like Bitcoin ladies are being traded for like just like poo butts. Bitcoin valued ladies for like just weird dollar stocks. I mean, I do. Whenever I talk to a man who is a stranger and I don't know him, I'm always like, I feel like I am lowering my standards. know him I'm always like I feel like I am lowering my standards and then when I meet because you're also like so successful and bright shiny star that it does become I think that it just it the the like the shinier you are the harder it is for sure you how long have you been with your wife for like nine years over nine years yeah where did you find her I found her um at a bar in San Francisco I was doing shows there and I was like brokenhearted and sometimes like

you know going back to the thing of feeling like when you're single you're never gonna find someone I had been like brokenhearted I had been in a serious relationship but moved to New York and was like alone and had no friends there and was like just sort of like rebuilding in all these ways and I was in San Francisco for shows and I was at this bar at this gay party called brownies for bitches and uh and I like took a sip of my gin and tonic and I looked at my friend Boyana and I was like I'm no this is the odor I looked at my friend boyana and i was like i'm never gonna be attracted to anyone ever again and then i took a sip of my gin and tonic and my gin and tonic was like a magic fairy and i looked up and shauna was dancing and she had these tattoos and she was just like in her she was dancing by herself but like she was you know she was the coolest party i wanted to like get invited and i was just standing on the sideline I mean I guess I just

describe everything with sidelines and dancing but she she was dancing and I was wanting to like be in there with her I wanted to marry her I like really did I really was like and that was like the joke with me about her from the beginning and our joke kind of from the beginning. Anyway, I tried to talk to her all night. I sat beside her. It was Blackberry Days. She was BBMing. And I was like, oh, my God, I have a Blackberry too.

We can BBM. I miss BBM. Yeah, those little. But now I think the equivalent is like iPhone to iPhone, that sweet, sweet blue to blue. That was strange. I think like speaks to how tribal we can be as people that like when a text pops up green it's like okay i guess we won't be friends but it's like no unlimited text messaging for everyone but like what uh strange anyway so bbm to bbm trying to get her bbm qr code or whatever it was or just trying to talk to her and but it was like that I knew that

the stakes were so high like I knew that she was so cool I knew that like whatever it was that I said to her had to be like cool and so I didn't say anything and then it was like closing time almost and she was smoking outside and I didn't smoke but I borrowed a cigarette from a friend and went outside and was like, can I have a light? And then her like butch friend lit my cigarette, which was so infuriating because two bitches don't make a right. Just kidding. That's so basic. And probably in the future, future, all the butches make all the rights.

But I obviously wanted that. You wanted someone who was on the femme side. Yeah. Well, I wanted. Do you consider yourself but yourself butch i mean butcher than femme for sure i don't consider myself like this is the thing we only have like such a limited amount of words you know and like butch no i don't think i would describe myself as like butch but i'm on the butcher side of femme yeah i think if someone was like hi sabrina who's sabrina i, oh, Sabrina, she's got dark hair. She's like a soft femme.

Soft femme? Yeah. Soft butch. No, soft femme. Soft femme is like feminine and then adding a soft. I think you're feminine. Really? But like, yes, I don't think you're super feminine.

Oh, you mean soft femme? Because I would say soft butch because it's like soft on the butch. Oh. But keep on describing me as soft femme. I could be a leading lady in a major movie. I think you could. Soft femme? Yeah.

Soft femme starring Sabrina Joyce. I'm identifying for lesbians. I get gays. Bear, cub, otter, twink. I get all those. I mean, I don't understand either. It's all weird words. It is weird terminology.

It's weird terminology, and people are so complex. And, like, it's strange to, like, I used to always be like, I'm a tomboy. But it's like, that felt like a weird like cat or something like it's like that never felt really like me i'm just me yeah yeah tomboy is such a where where did tomboy come from i don't know it's a very strange word i think it actually maybe was designed to make girls not want to be it because it's like you can't be a girl that plays sport. You can't be like a sporty girl. You turn into a tomboy. Yeah.

Yeah, I get so upset that we label kids so early. Oh, you wanna throw a ball, girl? Okay, well, you're trans. Yeah. Which is fine, it's just, I think, I'm so happy. You were just saying that we label kids so early. So early. I feel like I'm happy that you were just saying that we label kids so early so early I feel like

I'm happy that we are hopefully I mean I guess in the cities that we've lived in but like hopefully the trend

is moving towards like just being who you want to be like I think future future I think that like

we've had to put these labels on things like we've had to be like gay and straight And I touch on it in the special in the lineup on Netflix. Mm-hmm. Streaming now. All right, everything's fluid. But it's like, no, it just is what it is. It's like everyone does have a certain amount in their nature that would predispose them to be drawn to certain types of people. Sometimes those types of people, those qualities are women.

Sometimes they're men. I think that when there's not as much of a hurdle, like when I was 18 and I was like, oh, my God, well, when am I a lesbian? Like having to go through all that before kissing a girl. When we like let go of all that, we're actually a lot more fluid. Even for me in terms of like men, I think that I have had to sort of be like, well, I'm a lesbian. Not had to, but like I feel like i'm not explaining it as good as i do in the special but basically that well that's good because if people have questions they can head over to netflix netflix.com netflix.com use a friend's login or use your own and go to the lineup like like everybody has uh this is maybe not the best example because depression is classified as like bad, bad, bad.

But like some people are like diagnosably like they are depressed. But everybody knows what it's like to feel depressed, to be depressed. And some people are like, I mean, similarly, like you would classify them as like, oh, she's a happy girl. She's always happy. But we all know what it is you know i think it's like interesting way to put sexuality because it's like you know what love is and you fall in love with someone yeah and you know what that feels like but then maybe you fall in love with someone a gender a different like a different gender and it's not i think in the future it's

like not gonna be as uh jarring of like I'm dating. Even for someone like me who like I truly would be – I've like held a stripper's dick and been into it. And with that, the power dynamic was like there was no pressure on me to do anything so I could actually just enjoy this moment. And like a beautiful – yeah, like a beautiful guy, a really charming, confident, like successful dude. Like, yeah, I'd be totally into kissing that dude. I think the future, future, future would be like actually completely letting go of all of it. And someone who's usually dates a woman, it wouldn't be like so crazy for them to have an experience with a man. It's interesting because we are so tribal.

We're so blue text, green text that we like want to understand and identify with and we've got teams. And like label things and yeah, like we have an obsession with understanding things. Yes. Like people are like, I don't understand why you want to do this. And it's like I think what really you mean is you don't understand whether you would want to do it or not. And if the answer is no, you wouldn't want to do it, then you can't stand that I would want to do it.

That somebody else wants to do it. And if the answer usually, if you're really upset about something, if the answer is more like, I'm unsure about how this would fit into my life, I'm not brave enough to try it. I actually feel, I've like kind of explored this on stage, but I like want to go deeper than just like the punchline of being like polyamory to me. Sometimes I feel the way like the Westboro Baptist Church feels about gay people where it's like, not in my town, faggot. And it's like, why? Why do I feel that way? And the answer is because I'm scared.

Because I'm scared that if I opened up my relationship that like. You would lose your relationship. Yeah. Benicio Del Toro would show up with a horse. My wife would hop on and I'd never see her again. And that's not even her top pick so that would be doubly probably Charlie Hunan from Sons of Anarchy

he would show up who's your top pick? I love Drake and Jennifer Love Hewitt Jennifer Love Hewitt Jennifer Love Hewitt is like total nostalgia but like it was just it was my childhood of Jennifer Love Hewitt. Jennifer Love Hewitt is like total nostalgia. But like it was just it was my childhood of I had a party of five corner in my room.

But it was all just pictures of Jennifer Love Hewitt. I loved Vin Diesel growing up. And I would cut out pictures of his bald head and just tape it to my wall. I loved Vin Diesel. He definitely. See, that's a that's like you're gonna be more straight if you are out of the gates. Like Vin

Loved. But I liked Vin Diesel because I felt like he had a soft side that he was hiding. Yeah. And he has since revealed it, you know karaoke-ing to Rihanna. Have you seen that video? No. He's singing some Rihanna. Have you seen that video? No. He's singing some Rihanna song

or Rihanna song very poorly. And it's a real delight to watch. All right, I'll look it up. I do love tough men being soft, for sure. In terms of porn, that's definitely my... If I'm gonna... I don't watch a ton of porn, but thanks for asking.

Serena, do you watch a ton of porn, but thanks for asking. Serena, do you watch a ton of porn? Not a lot. But when I do, I do like the straight, tough, straight guy turning. I like the like, hey, yeah, I'm here for the moving job. And the guy being like, well, move this dick. And he's like, oh, okay. Or it's actually more, no, the way it goes is like, yeah, move those pants off of your body. And then he sucks the guy's dick.

And the guy's like, oh, no, this is better than I thought. So you like gay porn. Yeah. I enjoy gay porn as well. I also like just, I like porn. I think I like porn and I don't use it to masturbate ever. I like porn because it's a secret. I shouldn't be seeing these people have sex.

And I feel like. Wait, you never get moved to masturbation? Never. You don't masturbate a lot then? No, I masturbate all the time. What? I don't masturbate ever. But then if I do watch porn, then I will.

No, I watch it specifically because it feels, I feel like a peeping Tom. I'm like, oh, I shouldn't be seeing this. I love it. It's like crazy. And then most porn. There should be like other kinds of porn, just like tapping into that area where you're like listening to someone like talk about the bad parts of their relationship, but through a little hole in the wall.

I would listen to, I would definitely watch that. That's actually, in the future, okay, let's make a pact. Okay. When virtual reality hits a point. When it takes over. And our careers are at a point where we both have production companies. Yes. Let's merge our production companies.

Okay. To make a virtual reality project where we walk down a hallway and you like see, it's called Peeping Tom. Peeping Tom. You can peep in on relationships. Peeping Tom, brackets, boys. Going awry or relationships going well. Yeah, it's like every, it's like your fantasy of who you'd be sitting next to while you're having a boring date and you just like listen to someone else's date. Have you ever been to Mastro's?

No. It's a steak restaurant in Beverly Hills. I've heard that it's so good, delicious. It's pretty delicious, but my favorite thing about it is a lot of sex workers bring their Johns there and you get to hear the wildest conversations. Like, can I have two lobsters? Yeah. Okay, I have two lobsters.

How was your day today? I like that character being the john yeah the john's like i have two losses my fantasy is shit but i like listening to those conversations because it's so stilted and awkward and it brings me joy to my little life. Yarr. So nine years is a long time to be with somebody. Yeah. So you completely missed dating apps. I completely missed dating apps, yeah. I am lucky.

It seems fun, right? No. No. No. No, when you're like, I don't go out to bars often enough because I work a lot. No. No. When you're like, I don't go out to bars often enough because I work a lot. Yeah. And then I just, I'm tired and I don't want to get a group together to go.

And a lot of my friends are in relationships and I don't want to be the third wheel. So the love in my life is solely in this app. It feels hopeless. I want to find your love so badly. I would love to find my love. I feel like it is, I feel like, well, this has probably been talked about a lot on your podcast, but like strong, funny women. Yes. Like what is the good other half for a strong, funny woman?

Like what is the good other half for a strong, funny woman? It's going to be like a fucking cool, confident, down person. This is why I think like queer world for whenever my friends have been single for a long time is like I feel like often women in straight in the straight world. And this is also just two-dimensionalizing the straight world, but there is the tendency for it to just be a certain type of woman that is appealing in that world. And I think when you come out of the closet, there's this thing that happens

where it's like you are letting go of all of what was assumed for what your love situation would be so like just there's more interesting uh more interesting types and more diverse types become like the power like the like oh i've got a fucker maybe i'll go i used to go to this lesbian bar in New York, which was fun. It was called Nation. And then on Thursdays, it became Girl Nation. And it was fun and nice.

But then, like, I don't know, because it was like a club club. I feel like it's hard to connect with someone at a club club. Totally. But you just text after. That's what happened. So with Shauna, the other girl lit the cigarette. I was like, scram. And then she...

No, actually, I was like, I'm doing jokes for you. You're laughing. Shauna's noticing that you're laughing and maybe laughing a little bit too. And before I left, I handed her my business card. So cheesy. Yes! And I was like, I've been trying to tell you all night. I think you're so cute.

And I'm only here for like one more day. So if you're around tomorrow, let me know. Then did you hang out the next day? Then the next day, she texted me that night, but I was, because of the time difference, sleeping. And then I woke up, got her text from the night before, and her text was like, hey, little cutie, like, might be down for tomorrow. Text me. And I woke up at 7.30 and was like, ah! And then I waited an hour to, like, play it cool and texted her at 8.30 in the morning and was like, I'm up at 730 and was like and then I waited an hour to like play it cool and texted

her at 830 in the morning and was like I'm staying at this hotel please uh come bring your bathing suit there's a pool uh I'm around just let me know and then I didn't hear from her till like 4 p.m which was excruciating and then finally we started texting had some jokey texts did she come over and go swimming at your pool in the hotel? No, she didn't. I really thought because she had tattoos that we would be doing so much sex immediately. But we ended up meeting that night and she was just so cute and we like kissed almost immediately. And it was like just very, very sweet, fun time. And then it was just like I was constantly going to San Francisco.

She moved to New York six months later. And that's that. So wait, so you went to, wait, sorry. I was like, so I was doing a lot of colleges. Yes. Did you do a lot of colleges? Yes. Isn't it the worst?

I still do colleges. It's like so nice. It's nice to do them sometimes. And it's the worst to do it too much. Colleges is how I got good at stand-up. Oh, interesting. Because, well, at first it was like, I was on Girl Code. So they were like, yeah, anything you say, we will laugh.

And then after like a year or two of that, they started getting honest. Because they were like, oh, we don't watch Girl Code anymore. Yeah. But we like remember you from Girl Code. Yeah. And they'd be like, huh. And that was kind of funny. And I'd be like, oh, shit, that isn't a good joke.

Let me lose that. Let me try this. Let me lose that. And then it helped to get booked at shows in L.A. Yeah. Because people knew me from Girl Code. Some people didn't think some of us were great stand-ups or whatever. So, like, it was hard to get booked sometimes.

And it was an uphill battle. And I spent a lot of time, like, proving myself. And then also, so, like, doing colleges, I had to do, like, a half hour when I was co-headlining. Yeah. And when I first started, I didn't have a half hour. Oh, yeah, for sure. So then I was like changing character bits into trying to change them into joke bits

and just trying to cobble together like something cohesive. So then I realized after touring for like a year, I was like, I really only have 10 minutes of material. That's good so then I spent a lot of time in LA doing five minutes of good material five minutes of like will this work in that order no yeah pat it pat it like a sandwich two and a half up top that are solid yeah five that are shit two and a half that are solid. Yeah. And then like looking back and I recorded every set. Did you listen to every set? Yeah.

Oh my God, you're so good. Every show I would listen to every set and then be like what worked, what didn't work. Because also like I improvised. So then sometimes I would improvise like a new tag and I'd be like, oh, okay, that works. Do it again and be like, nope, that was just like in the moment. But then bring it back again like a month later and be like oh no it does work it the way i do stand up is a very convoluted roundabout way that takes a long time yeah well i think everybody does it in different ways but it's kind of i think i guess similarly it's like yeah you have the stuff that works and then you

try the stuff that does or doesn't and And then hopefully the stuff that works pile gets bigger. Yeah. I remember when I was first getting booked for like half hours, I also was like, I don't have it. And my trick was to record on a cassette tape my inner monologue. my inner monologue. And I would do like 10 minutes of an inner monologue so I could read it, so I didn't have to memorize it. But then not everybody had a cassette tape. And then I'd be picked.

I love that it was on a cassette tape. I started in the 60s. I started when I was 16. You started doing stand-up when you were 16? Yeah. That's wild. How did you know that that's what you wanted to do? I just was going to comedy shows and sitting in the front so that I could get attention.

And then I was like, oh, I could just be on the stage? Perfect. So I went to an amateur night. And then from the first time I did it, I was like, oh, well, this is what I want to be doing. I love that. I remember in high school is the first time I performed in front of an audience. Yeah. Like doing a comedic part. Well, you were doing stand-up.

What? You were doing stand-up. I was doing a play. Oh, okay. I get it. You weren't doing stand-up. No. Let me correct you.

You were doing stand-up, babe. And I was like, was I? I guess a play has jokes. I was picturing what I was doing, because I was doing assemblies, doing a little chat between you were doing a play. No, this is a play. But that first laugh I got, I was like,

oh, I want to feel this for the rest of my life. I want people to laugh and feel for the rest of my life. You're 15. You do a good job of mixing poignant stuff with very funny stuff did you what was that like i don't know that's a weird question no i just like a compliment i'll i'll take it and i'll keep it going by saying it was so much fun to tape it um and i always or i feel like in my stand-up journey like when i started uh at 16 it was like the year of 9-11 um and it was or it was january after it was 2002 and it was like this weird time my dad is uh pakistani and my whole family on that side is is muslim so it was a very strange time

because i'm half swiss so i don't look pakistani and people were like saying weird shit um and it was it kind of it informed what the material i was doing it was very racial and very a lot of impressions of my dad and it was in that time it was true to me it was what i wanted to be talking about on stage but at the same time it's like i think that the journey as a comic is a lot like your journey in terms of coming out and being yourself is just like getting closer and closer to who it is you actually are and talking about the things that you actually care to talk about. And I feel like I was, yeah, I feel like happy that the 15 came around when it did because my wife was super pregnant. We were moving.

I was writing on a show at the time, and 15 minutes was like the perfect amount of time to do stuff that I actually cared about and not have to pad it with stuff. With bullshit or whatever. Yeah. You moved. I moved, yeah. Did you buy another house? I did.

Look at you. I did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm so happy you bought a house. Yeah. Yes. When did you buy it? It'll be a year in August.

Yes. Being a homeowner is the wildest thing in the world someone stole a bush out of my front yard the other day and i like was walking my dogs looked up and was just like who does that they cut it at the fucking base they cut it at the base yes and i don't i just don't understand why you would steal a bush. So now you've got to, you have to figure out how to protect your fortress. Yeah. Like, what do you do? Put up like a fucking like gate?

No. I don't want, I don't know. I don't know. People are just, I guess are going to continue to steal my bushes. I mean, they're pretty. It was like pretty. Yeah, you've got pretty bushes you've got to protect them. Pink flowers.

And someone was like, those are my pink flowers now, which is just so rude. Someone popped into our backyard and threatened to kill them. Pink flowers and someone's like, those are my pink flowers now, which is just so rude. Someone popped into our backyard and threatened to kill us. Wait, what? Yeah. It's a great neighborhood and she was on drugs and she had been in our neighbor, she had like snuck into our neighbor's yard and then jumped over. We built a tree house and she jumped, he was like storing ladders right, like basically like, it was a perfect, like not stone, but she was high on something. But like, it was like the best video game for her of like, I climbed the ladder, I stand on the tree house.

And then I was freaked out where a baby was in the backyard. And I was like, excuse me, no. And she's like, I just want to climb this tree. And I said, definitely no. And probably in my harder butch voice that made her feel like, yeah, she then was like, fuck you. I'm gonna kill you.

So then we had to, we built like a cage around the tree house and we built like our fence a little bit higher. Drugs are great. Drugs are super great will give up their whole but the ones that get in someone's backyard and climb a tree yeah and i totally i feel like i haven't been on that drug but i like get it like you just want to get higher physically as well sabrina we gotta take a break we do

and we're back oh my god very quick break what a dang treat for you i took a swim i swam 30 laps took a little dip you look exhausted thank you um can we go back to being you're half um pakistani pakistani half swedish sw. Swish. Swish. Swish. Swish, bitch. We can call the mix Swish. So you're half Katy Perry, half Middle Easter. I'm Swish is a cool thing to say. And it's interesting because I, when I first met you, I think I thought, I knew you were a brown, but I didn't know what kind of brown it was and i don't think

people's first intuition is to say oh pakistani yeah for sure so you after 9-11 heard people saying shit about people well yeah it was like uh a time where you know when sars was happening and like no one would sit next to asian people on the bus it's like a time where something really scary happens and then like the finger gets pointed to a just general direction of like that shade of person and it it felt like okay to be kind of racist i was teaching tennis at the time and there was like this little girl that was picking up balls and i could hear their conversation the the the kids i was teaching and they were like um and the kid the girl was like yeah my mom said that

the packies did it oh and that was when I was like it there was like a change for me where I was like oh I can't be because I I really I being just like being gay being brown when I was younger was just this thing that I would like glaze over because I wasn't even the cool brown. Indians, they dance and drink, and Pakistanis are Muslim and they pray. And that whole game of being young and just wanting to fit in had me not really talking about my ethnicity. But yeah, that moment sort of,

and moments like that changed my perception of myself or like made me realize that like, oh, no, like my family, none of my family is like a terrorist. And I need to be more I need to like be proud of who I am so that I can represent something different than what people think. Have you ever had an instance where someone said something nasty and then you've been like, hey, just so you know, I am Pakistani. I can't in my mind think of it now, but I do remember I was on like, what are those things called when you're on a line and you're in a cart and it's like a ski lift sort of? Sure, yeah. It was like across Center Island in Toronto. And some guy yelled across like, you dumb packy to me, which was like, I couldn't believe how accurate his slur was where it's like, oh my God, no one can tell. accurate his slur was where it's like oh my god no one can tell and in this quick time of like our passing carts you've like managed to have so much uh so many emotions and lucky guesses with

who i am people are awful uh my mom was like very very light-skinned to the point where like people would think she was like mixed and stuff. And she used to say that like people would say things not knowing that she was black. Wow. And I think it's like when you're white passing, you have this privilege, but then also it like sucks because then people will just say whatever the fuck they want.

And then you have to be like, hey, man, you're literally you're talking about me. You're talking. Yeah, I think we're all we are heading into a time or at least we work in a place where people are becoming a little bit more awake to like what what is OK to say and what is not OK to say. okay to say and I guess like I feel like when I started doing comedy it was like Russell Peters was like huge and it was like very like racial humor was big and I think that that the like um the side effect of that time is is like Ashton Kutcher pop chips you know like brown face like it's funny when I do this, you know, which to a certain degree, it is funny to do fun,

different accents. But I think now we're, now we've caught up to a time where it's like post pop chips, Ashton Kutcher, where people are a little bit more like, I don't want to get, I don't want to get like racially me too. Mm hmm.

Uh, do you find audiences more sensitive? Okay, I was just on a radio show where, like, the host was talking about, like, audiences are way too sensitive these days. Like, you know, like, Chappelle can't say this or that, and it's like, what feel is like everyone just has

uh a voice and it's it's more clear because everyone has a platform for that voice you don't have to have a podcast uh you don't have to have a tv show you can have a podcast you don't have to have a podcast you can have just like your facebook status and people are easily taggable so So all of those voices, all of those conversations that would naturally happen back in the day are now happening at the forefront and it's jarring for people to hear feedback on what they say. I feel like it's fine because the same people that are arguing that like everyone's a critic and we shouldn't be so sensitive and all of this is like

you're arguing, but you also want, you also want to be able to be a critic and we shouldn't be so sensitive and all of this is like, you're arguing, but you also want, you also want to be able to be a critic as a comic. You're constantly like looking at things that are odd or different that you have all sorts of opinions about. So why shouldn't someone have an opinion about your thing? I mean, an interesting thing with us,

the show that we did, we were doing, um, Nicole and I, a show called nasty women, like right after the. It was the day after Trump won. After Trump won.

And it was supposed to be this like celebration, but it ended up being like a vigil. And we continued it and we raised a bunch of money for charity every time. And then eventually I think it just sort of felt like that name that we were beyond cheekily saying nasty woman and identifying with it. It's like, I want nothing to do with your slangs. Yeah, that was a wild show. It was wild, and it felt really important and fun at the time. But the second show, the first show was this poster of Hillary Clinton in the nasty woman position from her Rolling Stones cover.

From Janet Jackson's Rolling Stones cover where breasts are being held by someone else's hand. Yes. And then the idea was that it's like initially with Jenny Fine who made the poster who's awesome. The idea was like important women. We'll do like important women and then so the second show i was like hey jenny do michelle obama and so she did michelle obama and as soon as it got online there was like an intense backlash a lot of feelings that were completely fine to have in the moment i was in the writer's room and like the poster was put up and I had like

150 notifications on Twitter and I was like whoa this show's gonna be packed and then I saw it it was all these people that were like fucking white feminists this is like the problem with you objectifying our flotus and um I I didn't know and I didn't, yeah, I, in my experience, did not know that that poster would be, like, received. As polarizing as it was. Yes. I personally didn't see a problem with it, but I guess it was because I was involved with the show. You knew the intention of the show. Yes, and it wasn't to degrade her or sexualize her or talk about her body.

But on the flip side, it's like that's what a lot of people had just been doing. Yeah. And with the words nasty woman on it. And it – but that's an example I think where it's like, well, that was like definitely a learning experience for me. And I'm not saying like, you know, I walk away from that being like, I was so bad. It's like, there are,

you don't have to be bad. You could just get it wrong and it's fine. So I took it down and, uh, but we, and we also like raised, raised a bunch of money for Planned Parenthood. But I think that's,

uh, I, I walk away from that thinking, well, that's a positive thing. Yeah. I didn't, it wasn't like, it was like, it's always not fun when you have like egg on your face and you're like, well, I got this lady to draw this thing and I felt bad for her. And it's interesting too that like, you know, within a reaction to something, people will always want to make it sort of worse when you're feeling and and this idea that it was

like this group of white women that were doing this there was not they said there was not one woman of color on the show which was like hilarious because which is like you're all putting on the show me i think was on it uh yeah i've emily heller may have been the only white woman yeah it was just very interesting because people love to make assumptions like that. Me personally, I think audiences are a little sensitive because I try to do fat material. And it took me like six months to find out that shit wasn't working because people felt bad for me. And my whole thing was like, wouldn't be but then again like you watch nanette and did you watch nanette yes yes of course so people listening if you haven't seen

nanette it's a wonderful netflix special by hannah gatsby i believe and she talks about like like she honestly like deconstructs a joke and tells you why like there's tension. You really sent a blow up. But like me talking about being fat is like not internalized hate. And I only started writing fat jokes when I became happy with my body and at peace with my body. And the fact that people can't like laugh along with me was like mind boggling and hard. And I was just like racking my brain trying to figure out why these fucking jokes didn't work.

And then one night I was like, oh, it's because they're looking at the person on stage who is fat and going, you don't have an ideal body and I'm sorry for you. And you're joking about it because you're sad about it too. And it's like, uh-uh,

no, no, no, no. No, you feel very, you feel empowered by it. I feel very empowered. And the audience feels like sort of thrown by it. Yes. Thrown by your empowerment.

Yeah. Because they haven't been along for that journey. Very. It's been very interesting and lately my responses have been pretty good because I've been trying to run

this 30 minute stuff that i'm gonna type yeah and i'm excited about it and i've been running it and i'm so excited about it i'm gonna be in montreal too oh will you come to my show yeah of course yay i'm recording a special in montreal i'm so excited about it it's a half hour netflix special baby yeah and i've been running it and I did a weekend in West Nyack, New York and this woman tweeted at me and she was like, thank you for talking about being fat. I don't hear anyone talking about it.

Do you talk about that on stage, that process? Because I think that would help connect. Yes. I open with- Calling people out on it. Yeah. I like open with- Calling people out on it. Yeah. I open with people

because people, there was one show, actually a couple shows, where I was doing my fat material and someone in the audience went, you're not fat, you're beautiful. And it's like,

what are you- And I was like, oh, oh, I know. I'm gorgeous. Yeah. My face is beat.

I'm wearing a beautiful wig. I'm wearing a gorgeous outfit. You're now insulting me because you think I don't think I'm pretty. Yes. I'm wearing a beautiful wig. I'm wearing a gorgeous outfit. You're now insulting me because you think I don't think I'm pretty. I'm gorgeous. I am drop dead gorgeous. And I know it. And like,

I, I had just like, I've been on a journey of self love. And then for you to be like, but like, you're not the thing that you are. You're really gorgeous. People do that all the time.

People do that with like our baby now. People will like go out of their way to be like you know like i bet that baby's gonna love you too and it's like bitch love you too what are you talking about but they're processing in their mind this thing that is different that they would feel different about people do it with being gay too of like you know because you know you're really pretty like you're really just like processing people saying like you know you could be with just like people processing you your queerness you're different and queerness is a broad thing of like anything that's different um as hurdles that they need to jump over in their mind verbalized because they're too confident or something or like they think they have more

i don't know what what it is that makes people say you're beautiful nicole you know you should know that it's like of course i know that i'm fucking walking around the stage in outfits that you wish you could wear with the con and and just sold this like thing that I'm chatting about to Netflix four times over. Like, what are you? Yeah, like I'm doing fine. I have a pool. Honestly, that is how I've measured my success. Having a pool must feel.

I wanted a pool growing up so bad. And my mother, we had enough land for a pool. And we could have put one in. And then one night I was like, mom, please, can we have a pool? And she said, we came to a decision, me and your father, we cannot have a pool. And I said, why? And she said, because I wouldn't want you to get in it with no supervision, but I wouldn't get in it with no supervision.

Yes, you would. You would line up your stuffed animals and say they were out here and i was like you're right you were absolutely in that moment i was like oh my mom gets me like there's my mom was a like born to be a mother and very much was like there's nothing new under the sun that you can do that i haven't already seen because she helped raise like a couple of my cousins and stuff and they were you an only child oh no baby i have an older sister but you better believe she's the quietest person on this planet you sucked up all the chatter sucked it all up like she was born she was like life is good and then i came and i said is it shut up while i do a four-year monologue she now we'll be at our grandparents house and my grandmother be like you guys hungry and i'll be up while I do a four year monologue. Shut up! She now will be

at our grandparents house and my grandmother will be like you guys hungry? And I'll be like my sister will look at me because growing up I used to be like no or yes I answered for her. I was on the phone with her recently and I said Catherine how would you describe yourself? And she was like um boring like a small

child very quiet and I was like Catherine you can't describe yourself like that. Your next comic coming to the stage, very boring, small child, uninteresting. Put your hands together for Nicole Byer's sister. That's what she was known as in high school. You, I think, posted now, I'm remembering a screen grab of you talking to your sister. Your mom was going to name you guys what? She texted me and was like, our cousin Lisa

said that mom was going to name us Aquila and Priscilla. Oh my god, so good. I was like, I would have loved to have been Priscilla Byer or Aquila Byer. Aquila Byer, yeah. I would have loved to have been Aquila. Aquila Mockingbird baby.

How long ago did your mom pass away? my mother died when i was 16 years old people have died at every milestone of my life really 16 when my mom died 21 when my dad died 18 when my grandmother died uh 25 when my godmother died and then at 30 like a bunch of uncles like aunts and uncles and that's obviously informed your life in different ways but in one way is it that are you like seizing the day a little bit more or what do you i seize the day so after my mom died i guess i didn't realize this until i like did a lot of therapy but i spent a lot of time being like, whatever. Life's too short. I'll hitchhike.

I'll drink myself stupid. I'll roam around New York. I put myself in danger a lot because I was like, whatever. And then after my dad died, I was like, and I'd been arrested a couple times. Me too. So then after my dad died, I was like, nobody's coming to pick me up. If I get arrested again, it's me. I'm now 21.

I'll fucking go to jail if I keep being a fucking criminal. What kind of criminal things? Oh, I loved stealing. Oh, yeah. Yeah, when I was younger, I would. Loved shoplifting. It was so fun. Just like,

it was like a video game. Yeah. But instead of climbing higher, it was just like, all these sleeves. Uh-huh. I would stick things in my sleeves, put things in my pockets,

look where cameras were, see if I could get out of frame of that camera without being in the frame of another camera. Yeah, you were practicing for Nailed It. You were practicing to shoot your series it was the opposite i also came up with a foolproof way to steal i thought that i did but then i got caught you tell me yours okay so i would figure out where the cameras couldn't see me put a shirt inside a shirt a dress inside a dress just like double put things on hangers but make it look like there was only one thing in the hanger go in the fitting room instead of

three things i have six things pop the sensors off oh wait so i i would bring three things that were double stuffed one pair of pants with nothing in them pop the sensors off the three things that i wanted put all of the sensors in the jean pocket give two shirts back keep the jeans keep one shirt put the jeans on the rack put the shirt on the rack where are the sensors you can't prove that i stole anything i love this thomas crown affair layered my way was that i just would always have an excuse when i would in my mind i was like oh if i get caught i'll just say that like i wanted to uh well in the the day that i did get caught that day my excuse i was with my dad we're on our way to a tennis tournament that i was playing in

and i obviously did not play well because i did get caught that day that I did get caught. So we're leaving the grocery store. I have in my vest, up my vest, like a sleeve of gum, like one of the like six packs of gum. And then in my pocket, I have like a single gum. And my excuse was always going to be if I got caught, I would just throw it on the, that I was like, I was putting it in my pocket so that my dad didn't know that we were buying it, but that I was going to throw it on the belt I was like I was putting it in my pocket so that my dad didn't know that we were buying it but then I was gonna throw it on the belt last minute as like a fun

quirky this is just a fun classic daughter move and but I never thought about an excuse of like what if you get caught outside the store and that's what happened like a paul giamatti type store manager was like excuse me excuse me oh no and uh he finally i kept walking my dad never assumed that that anything was that we would be the that yeah he wasn't in on the heist on the gum heist and uh the the manager was like excuse me sir your uh daughter has something that belongs to us and then i was like, excuse me, sir, your daughter has something that belongs to us. And then I was like, went through the denial stage

of like, of course not, dad, let's just go. This guy's just trying to get me in trouble. I had this angle where I was like, he's just mad because I'm young. I have my whole life ahead of me

and he's gonna die soon. Yeah, he's an old, jealous man. And then finally he's like, the gum. And I finally was like, okay. And I took out the single pack in my pocket.

And then he was like, that's not the gum I'm talking about. And my heart just like started racing. And I, like an episode of Cops, I ran into the parking lot the man was chasing me my dad was like what is happening who is my daughter and i shook the gum out from under my vest and i kicked it under a car and the man had run up to me before my dad and i was like please sir please please just like let me go i'll never come back to your store i'll

never steal again please and um he looked under the car and he looked at me. And then my dad had caught up by this time. And he was like, your daughter's never allowed in the store again. And it was just like the most silent drive to tennis. Where I just like did not hit any shots at the tennis game. That was the last time that I, like, stole, stole it. I was, like, done. I got arrested twice at Old Navy.

Yeah, BB, stealing affordable things. Twice? Yeah, I'm banned from the Old Navy at 34th Street in Herald Square. Oh, my God. Also arrested at Macy's. Not allowed in the Macy's at Herald Square either. Yeah, I love being honest about these rough, patchy, embarrassing things because they exist. Yeah, and when I got arrested at Macy's, they were putting me in a cop car and my flip-flop broke.

Oh my God, your flip-flop broke. But my flip-flop broke. They were like, you're a criminal. And I was like, can you stop shoving me in this car? Oh, my God. Yeah. So you stopped then after your dad passed away? Yes, because I was like, nobody's going to bail me out.

Come get me. We used to play a game called Grandma, what's in your bag? We would get back to the car and I'd pull out everything I stole. And I had this big old Navy shopping bag that I would just be dropping things into and then go in the fitting room and make sure there was no, then they got sneaky. They started putting those sticker sensors on tags

and I was like, you're not gonna get me. What'd you do? Peel them off. Sticker book? Make a little sticker book and leave it at Old Naves? Stick them under the

the bench I loved stealing Sabrina I have a question yeah it was like supermarket sweep it was a fun game

and when you're young you don't think about any of the you know you don't think about the big stuff you're just like I don't have a job

this is my job this is my job I want to steal I used to steal food I used to steal food. I used to fill up a bag at Gristini's. I was mostly like a gum chocolate bar kind of girl. Oh, no. Groceries.

Like fucking apples, pita chips. Ooh, produce. Just like filling a bag and then being like, I dare you to say something. And then walk out. Sabrina? Yeah. Are we winding down? Yeah.

Oh, my God. Here's a question. Yeah. Would you date me? Yeah. Oh my God. Here's a question. Yeah. Would you date me? I would 100% date you. And I feel like we'd have fun. We would go in those swan paddle boats in Echo Park. Then we'd go have like a fun dinner, cocktails.

Yeah. What a dang treat. Well, if I've got to leave, tell me one more secret. One more secret? That's been the theme of this pod, I think. Let's see. I guess very tall, thick, masculine, aggressive women make me tingly. Oh.

All right. I guess that's a secret i think i like was thinking i was like what is my type of like lady yeah you definitely need a butch person if you're a vin diesel craving to feel that vin diesel but like i like i guess short hair too. Maybe long hair. But yeah. I like being hit on hard. Alright. I'm going to a queer thing this afternoon. I'm going to look for the tall thing. What's a queer thing?

It's like a fundraiser or something in Highland Park. Oh, okay. I'll find a tall, thick woman. Or maybe she'll find me in my backyard if if you know what I mean, in terms of tying that story back to the end of the... Okay. I love it.

I do have to go. I'm the one to end it. Sabrina? Yes. Do you have anything you want to promote? I wanted you to just go to Netflix, episode six of the lineup watch it and uh follow me on instagram i've been getting so many new followers and it's you are yeah that's good i'm getting nice attention yeah that's nice i got 3500 instagram followers damn girl in one week i mean not in

total i have more that's it that's all you have. You started your Instagram last week. You only have 3,500. Oh, no. No. Yeah. I like attention. Like someone we know. Okay. Final song.

Okay. Thank you for being. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Bye-bye. Thanks by Sabrina. Oh, yeah. She's my friend. and it's so happy she's here. What a treat to be here, and I'm happy to be here.

There's cold brew on draft. There's kombucha on draft. I said draft weird twice, so it's not a mistake. Well, if you like Why Won't You Date Me, please subscribe. And if you leave an iTunes review of something filthy, I will read it. This person is FNDA.

The title of this review says, Take it a Bath. They gave me a nice five-star review. It says, I want to slip and slide into that puss and splish splash till I drown. So that person wants to die in my pussy. Thank you very much.

I appreciate it. Okay, bye-bye. Bye, bye, bye. This has been a Team Coco production.