Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Signs He's Into You (w/ Yassir Lester)

Episode Date: October 2, 2020

It's our longest episode ever! Comedian Yassir Lester (Black Monday, Duncanville) joins Nicole to discuss sex protocol for a COVID era, reconnecting with old flings, body modifications, Yassir's Jersey Mike's tweet, and a list of signs that a man is into you. Support Black Lives Matter. For a list of resources and ways to help, check out blacklivesmatters.carrd.co. Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Facebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy Buy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964 Order Nicole's book: www.indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could fly me out to the middle of Arkansas and leave me there. My guest today, you know him, you love him, he's very funny,

he's on Black Monday, Duncanville, he's been on Brooklyn Nine-Nine, he was on Champions. He was on a show called Making History, which is legit one of the funniest shows I've ever seen. That literally wasn't, they didn't put up any commercials or anything for it. It was very sad for me. Also, he wrote for Girls and the Carmichael Show. Also, he's a stand-up. I love seeing him run LA.

Oh, wow! It's Yasser Al-Azhar! That intro was like, it felt like a very positive wrestling match. You know what I mean? Like, a very positive announcer. Like, you about to get your ass beat. Well, maybe I'll transition to being a wrestler fucking announcer.

I would do that. Have you ever been to like an indie wrestling match? I've done. Here's a, cause we were kind of talking about it for a second, but, uh, before we record it, I'm from Georgia. So I've done all of it. Like, not just like an indie wrestling match. I've been to one where it's just like a guy like at walmart being like it's going down in my backyard in two hours like you gotta come through

and i'm like yeah i've done all of it anything that's remotely disgusting and weird like white trash like that like i guess i just grew up around all those like folks you know what i mean so yeah i love wrestling like i i'll watch like the wwe every now and again but i go to portland to see my friend test and there's this thing called blue collar wrestling uh-huh and it's so much fun it's just like in this weird rec center and it's a mixture of like the hillbilliest people you've ever seen in Portland and then like very trendy hipsters. And then they all just like sit together and chant in the same way. And it's like, wow, this is really unifying.

Well, I'll say what's weird to me, not even weird, but what seems like a, uh, I don't know, kind of like beating a dead horse is calling it blue collar wrestling. It's like,

it's all blue yeah even wwe it's not like you know what i mean because even like the characters they have or it's like oh this is a rich guy character is always like a guy in a castle it's never just like a regular like i'm a businessman it's like he's so rich that he's like being brought out like on a gold lion you know what i mean it's like fucking trump trump was involved in the wwe and he was like their rich man fucking business person and it's it's so funny that anyone thinks he's like a actual business person i'm like he's got a gold toilet i don't like what he doesn't even have a yacht like that's not a business person you don even have a yacht. Like that's not a business person. You don't have a yacht. Like what? What?

You're looking up to this man with so much money and he doesn't have a yacht? That's my. Here's. Okay. But here's my question. And I am asking sincerely. Because there are parts of me. I'm like, yes, he's stupid and he's ugly and like a racist and a sexist and everything of it you know um homophobic but there are parts of me when i look at him and i'm like oh i would low-key

be like that if i had money like there's just like there's enough things he does where I'm like yeah I would do like a statue of me I truly honestly would love to play a character written like that yeah because he says the funniest things I know like he's very funny I know and I'm not saying like yay he's funny he should be our president yeah no he's just this funny fucking person who is so petty he pettied his way to the white house yeah you gotta you gotta like give props for props or do yeah that's funny because it truly is it was just like him being like no one's ever gonna laugh at me again i'm gonna be president that's where all of it comes from all of it comes from people making too many jokes it's just like, it's so weird. Also, like he's like the octopus of like pop culture.

Like for example, it was like, I was listening to this. I was listening to Method Man's second album the other day, which is Takao 2000 Judgment Day. Literally in the middle of it is an interlude with a, it's just a voicemail from Donald Trump. The real Donald Trump being like, Method, where's your new album, man? Everyone's waiting on it, man. middle of it is an interlude with a it's just a voicemail from donald trump the real donald trump being like method where's your new album man everyone's waiting on it man we gotta have it we're here in florida golfing we need the new album and i was like this he was on a nothing man album like you know what i mean like he's everywhere and it's everywhere he was in home alone too he was in episodes of sex in the city yeah he's like one of those people where you're like

oh donald he goes to the opening of an envelope like truly just everywhere and then was like people made fun of me i truly think he's president because of the white house republican or no what is it like the dinner correspondence dinner like i truly think he snapped yeah like you know the kid who's like they made fun of me one too many times i'm getting a trench coat like he was like they made fun of me one too many times i'll show them i'll ruin america and be president i'll fucking show them i'll leave this country in shambles but because that's the other thing too people are always like uh you know they're like oh well he he's he wants to be liked he wants to be liked and i was like he's no he doesn't he's past no because like all the people that liked him already he's no longer

impressed by so it's like when like a you know some like liberal movie star is like donald you better shape up he's like i don't care about him like you know what i mean like he's a small army of people that are just like this dude is sexy you know what i mean it Like, he has a small army of people that are just like, this dude is sexy. Uh-huh. You know what I mean? It's so crazy to me. Anyway. It's like how I maintain that Lindsay Lohan ruined her career because she had a bunch of people around her being like, yes, yes, yes, do cocaine and drive your car.

Yes, girl, we believe in you. I feel like he's got a bunch of people saying, yes, Donald. Yes, do that donald and then when people start saying no he goes okay you're fired right he's like in that fun that i said you're fired again even though i'm not on my show haha like i think he's having a great time oh yeah truly truly i just like you're you're literally the leader of the tree world. And all he does is like eat cheeseburgers and watch TV. It's like he managed. He's the only person who's managed to keep his life before the presidency into the presidency.

Everyone else is like, oh, my God, I got to sign the documents. And I have to be at that, you know, grave site for the soldiers. And he's like, nah, fuck them soldiers. They're fucking dead because they're losers. Which I mean, if you really think about it. Like, okay, on a technical, like, yes, using the truest semantics

of each word, it is not an untruth. The intent, very wrong. Very, very wrong. Very wrong. Not okay. Yeah, like, you're a loser in the sense that your life was lost yes your life was lost but like you defended our country that's not a loser right he's also so i i don't get i mean we won't talk about him for forever but the tanning really it's it's i think it's a bunch of people being like donald orange

is your color but that's what i'm saying that's why i think again like clearly i'm not white but it's like i that's like some white thing i would do is like i gotta be tan especially if i was like rich and old i'm like because i like the idea that old people like stop trying to like they're just locked into an age right yes and it's like his weirdly is like locked into like a tanning age like so much so that if like i were president they'd be like you can't wear like nike sweatsuits and i'd be like but this is hidden this is what i'm gonna wear yeah like we all we all wear our microchip suits to the robot farm that's like pamela anderson i re rediscovered a vip have you ever seen that oh come on don't

be crazy one of the spy shows all the time loved vip growing up it came on at 3 p.m and you were like why and there was never any explanation but she has the same eyebrows that she had then that she has now and eyebrows have gone through a full-blown evolution we're not doing the thin little line oh but yeah like old people get locked into this look that they liked when they're younger and then they bring it to when they're older and they look wild yeah it's gonna be tight for us what do you think do you have like because i like low-key have an old person outfit chosen for myself already, but I want to know what yours is. Mine is, I know I will always dress younger than I am because I love going on Instagram and being like, ooh, ooh, is that what the kids are wearing?

Well, I'll go get me some baggy pants and then I'll wear baggy pants and a crop top and you better believe people will stare at me and I'll be like, what? I saw it on the the internet I like it I bleached my hair which is like why yeah but no no I'm not kidding it looks so tight and I swear to you like three weeks ago I was like I should dye my hair and I didn't do it but yours it's tight maybe I thought it'd be funny like just to be light skin with like frosted tips I think that's very funny, like, just to be light-skinned with, like, frosted tips. I think that's very funny, but also cool. Okay. Sometimes I do things because I'm like, this is a funny bit, and then I, like, end up loving it. And I'm like, okay, this is for me.

Yeah. I bought jeans with, like, rhinestone fringe, and I was like, ha, these are funny. And then I slid them on my body and I was like, I really love them. But see, OK, can I say something, though? And this is a half compliment that is also rooted in a truth. Whether you feel it or not, you exude such a confidence that nothing ever comes off as a bit so like truly if you were like wearing a wig like made of dead worms or something people be like wow nicole is cool like whereas you're like this is hilarious it'll just be like all these articles like

she does it again huffpost says nicole byer does it. You know, I think it's because I'm truly delighted sometimes by the things I find. Yeah. Like, oh, this big, weird shirt. Like, I was going to somewhere was this year. I put on this really big, insane shirt, these itty bitty little shorts. And I had a Snoopy bandaid on my head because I burned myself. And I put on these purple rhinestone glasses. And then would like look to the mirror and I went oh that's wild I don't know and then she was like you don't look wild and then an hour later we were in the

sunlight and she was like actually you look insane and I was like and I was like thank you and then I just really enjoyed myself and then everyone everyone who looked at me, I was like, you like it? I mean, in description alone, it sounds like someone who's had a stroke rushing to get dressed to get to the hospital. I think that's just my style. Yeah, okay. Rushing out of the house during an emergency. Just like, ow, I don't feel good. I have to throw something on. Oh, boy. Yeah, okay. Rushing out of the house during an emergency. Just like, ow, I don't feel good. I have to throw something on.

Oh boy, oh boy. Ow, no. Yep, I think that's fully my style. And I bought track suits. You know, it really sucks. In February, I bought like track suits for planes because I was like, I no longer want to look stupid on planes. I was wearing like leggings and a t-shirt. And I was like, that's want to look stupid on planes I was wearing like leggings

and a t-shirt and I was like that's not me that's not who I am so I bought a fluorescent yellow tracksuit one with um tigers on it kind of like Gucci but like truly no no materials from this planet are in that tracksuit it's all like polyester yeah and then um leopard print that's also like neon and then i got so sad because then the lockdown happened and i haven't been on a plane since i know it's uh i like i don't it's hard for me because like like i i'll start with this and then i'll go into a different thing but like i've been trying to just like keep up with people you know what's up how or talk to someone i haven't talked to in a while so I like texted this one dude I was like yo I haven't spoke to

you in a minute I'll tell you once we're finished who it was but it's like how are you man and he literally writes back oh thriving pandemic has been good to me and I was like even let's say I cared, right? Because number one, I just meant how are you as a person? Like I hate when people talk about work when you ask someone how they're doing. It truly drives me insane. You can literally start with how are your emotions? And they're just like, I booked three jobs.

And you're like, that's not an emotion. Okay, but congrats. But he goes into this whole thing. thing and i was just like let's just say like even if i cared like how do you know i didn't lose someone to covid like why would you start that way with me you know what i'm saying you you have no idea if i'm about to be like oh okay man just so you know this is the go fund me setup for you know what i mean like it's so crazy. But that being said, it's nice to read again. You're a very busy person.

I can only imagine. I was semi-busy before all this. It's kind of nice to have someone be like and that someone being God being like you can't do none of that. You can't do none of that, bro. I just be sitting around eating Cheez-Its and little tangerines. Little cuties.

Here's the thing. A lot of people go cuties. I go with whatever is the first thing I see. Fair. All right. All right. There's no brand loyalty. But here's what happens.

Cuties, you know, seedless. You ain't got to worry about that. You go some off brand, eating a little tangerine. Next thing you know, you're choking to death, baby. You got a big old seed in your throat. Well, that keeps you on your toes. So I see. I see why that happens.

I also texted someone who I hadn't spoken to in almost like a year and a half because I'm horny. And I was like, we were talking before and I was like, maybe he broke up with his girlfriend. So I was like, oh, I'll just read it to you. I mean, it's here. Let's see if I can find it. Oh, found it. There we go.

So I said, it's Nicole. I have a question. He was like, hey, Nicole, hit me. I was like, are you still dating someone? Then I said, isn't it funny that I would ask a year and a half after we last talked in the middle of a pandemic? He goes, it's very funny, but also very normal at this point. To answer your question, I am dating someone. I said, dang.

He said, sorry. I said, it's okay. I was going to ask you to meet me at a glory hole. Then I said, I'm kidding or am I? Then he said, I'm glad you asked. I don't think I would have had the balls to do it. And I was like, I'm kidding. And I? Then he said, I'm glad you asked. I don't think I would have had the balls to do it. And I was like, I'm kidding. And he's like, oh, gotcha.

I was like, I was going to ask you to have mass sex. That's not a kidding. And then he was like, of course, of course. I was like, I hope you're doing well at the end of the world. And then he goes, tell me if this is the worst possible follow-up question, but will you do my podcast? And I was like, I said yes said yes but i was like this is a metaphor for 2020 will you fuck me with a mask on no but will you do my podcast you know okay sure

i i mean it sincerely covid may be easier than going through that situation like not the heavy COVID I'm talking about you know the people who are like I had it for like a day and it was wild but I'm good like I can't imagine being like will you have sex with me no will you come

talk to me though and record it like that's crazy that is so crazy like just don't respond to me like don't and it's crazier that you're doing it i gotta say that i was like i have to do it it would be insane if i was like so brazen enough to be like fuck me with a mask on and then do my podcast no that's where i draw the line so So, you know, it'll be fun. Are you going to bring this up on the podcast?

I'm going to let it, I'm going to leave it up to him because he's the one with a girlfriend. And I don't want his girlfriend to listen to the podcast and be like, oh, so bitches are just texting you for sex. You know, whatever. So like, I don't want to. Maybe I told you to do my podcast. Maybe, no. Yeah, I don't want, because the optics of that are wild. So girls are still texting him for sex

and then he's like, no sex, do my podcast. So we're like talking anyway. I gotta say like, in, in terms of like saying no politely, that's maybe the worst one I've ever heard.

Like, it's worse than saying like, I wish you were dead. It's like like but then it turns around because he's like I'm interested in you enough as a person that like yeah we should we should talk but you absolutely cannot wear have sex with me wearing a general hospital mask it's so sad I like got so horny i got to the point where i was just scrolling through my phone being like all right who have i hooked up with who have i been close

to hooking up with i'll text them that was the first text i sent and i sent another one at the same time that he got back to me the other one did not get back to me and i was like i think i'm done i think this is a bad idea uh yeah we to abort this mission. So hopefully that person won't get back to me with another. Will you do my podcast? Okay. I mean, we got to talk about this. Like what was going to be your protocol if it happened? Okay.

The protocol. I thought about it. So at first I was going to wear a hazmat suit. I don't think that's necessary. Okay. So get to his house mask on get inside he's wearing a mask we wash our hands together oh isn't that sexy yeah and after we wash our hands i go i'm so sorry there's no kissing happening but you put my titties so then

he can play with my titties but he can't like munch on them because you know we're wearing masks so then uh bend me over fuck me with a condom and then uh yeah rub my titties a little bit and then so sorry i can't suck your dick because i'm wearing a mask but maybe i'll have a second mask where there's a hole and then well maybe i could take off my mask since like we're not i'm not near his face to suck his dick i would suck his dick okay yeah because i want my pussy eaten so yeah okay so anything below the navel you could take your mask off for i guess i didn't think about this enough i was just like no dick sucking but no i would suck his dick can you eat me out um and then i

would go all right goodbye like no there's no cuddling right but what if he just wanted to chill in the other room what do you mean like he's like i don't want to bounce can i just like go chill in the other room would you let him do that see i'd be going to his house so i would be leaving immediately after that see that's the plan yes god i'm trying to figure out if that's wildly dangerous or not. Because you're not getting tested before, right? It's just. So I just got tested. Right.

It would be me taking a chance on them and hoping that they lived a non-reckless life and wore a mask. I guess it's more dangerous for me because I just got tested on. Because you for sure don't have it. Yeah, I just got tested on Friday. Yeah. See have it yeah I just got tested on Friday yeah see that's just like I don't know I'm really thinking about because I know like people are trying to figure it out in the pandemic

you know and I you know I mean I'm in a relationship but I'm like for like the homies like how would they do this you know what I mean I was like doggy style would be best because it's like you're breathing on my back. Right. I don't think Corona can like travel from the back to my mouth.

I mean, what if they're like huffing and puffing? I mean, like it's more like what's their like, like what's their breath intake? You know what I mean? Like their lung capacity. If they got big lungs you gotta watch out for that yeah i mean maybe it's like i guess i can't fuck up like a bigger dude that's rude yeah but like i feel like it's someone who's i don't know yeah i guess i'd have to like monitor their breathing beforehand yeah i don't know but i think if you're wearing a mask

and it's doggy style i think it's fine i just i so maybe maybe there's no dick sucking because dudes love to like look down at you maybe like lift your chin up for a little bit be like you're doing a good job you're like i know so like you know you'd have to get rid of all that i mean i don't know it's just like it's been what since march i don't know i just feel just like, it's been what, since March? Mm-hmm. I don't know. I just feel like in terms of like solo missions, like just do that. Like it's so much easier.

I've been doing that. I know, but like. My clit is literally bruised right now. Is that too much information? I wish everyone could see your face right now. Gosh. It was like a, oh man, this is something I never wanted to hear. It's just more like, come on. Well, I got, so this company called Tracy's Dog.

I did a bit on a podcast where I was like, I'll send every woman in this audience a Tracy's Dog. Oh, I remember this, yeah. It was the worst bit I've ever done because 200 people responded that they wanted one. They sent them out. So now they had like two new products and they were like, we'll send them to you. And I was like, oh, thank you. And one of the things they sent, great. The second one is

a couples vibrator. And I was like, you fucking assholes. I don't, I'm not part of a couple. This is mean. Okay. This will be the last question from me. Okay. What does that entail? Like, I actually don't know what that.

Is there like finger loops or like? No. So it's something that goes on one of the partners and then the other partner has the remote so they can control it. Oh, the remote control. But I'm like, how sad. I feel like that feels like a solo mission, too. It's just like. Yeah, I guess I could just like hold the remote.

Right. And then be like. And you'd be like, be on your phone. Yeah. I guess. I guess I can use it like that. I think it just, in the back of my brain, I'll just know it was not meant for me alone.

Mm-hmm. Okay, well. They wanted me to be with somebody. Yeah, but it's like like at least the remote isn't like coughing in your face and being like oh i haven't been tested since march or i've never been tested before because the tests are too expensive you just got tested because you were part of a production and they're wasting our resources i couldn't get a ride to Dodger Stadium.

I will say those production tests, I recently had to take one. And like, did you do the full nose one? Yeah, they fucking, it hurts. I'll say this, like, you just don't assume your navel cavity goes that far back. Nasal, I said navel, Jesus Christ. You said navel, but I understood it. Yeah, but the fact that you weren't going to be like hey just you know white people are going to be listening to this you may want to correct yourself and they're gonna think you call it your navel cavity i gotta blow my navel i got a navel infection. Everyone's like, nigga, get your life together. Yeah, you heard me.

N-A-V-A-L. That would be, I truly wish I thought it was that my whole life and just now discovered it was a dick. I mean, I discover things all the time. I, in real time on stage, discovered that women have more than two eggs. Wait. Oh, yeah, because you're always producing them, right? Yeah, I thought your ovaries were eggs and like they would hatch.

This whole time? Like, when did you learn this? I would say it was in New York at UCB. It was literally on stage. I think it was like maybe seven six years ago okay too old too old i should have known yeah should have known yeah okay i thought that keeps happening to me with like plants and cheeses and meats like oh what did you learn i can't it's not prosciutto but there's another word that's like that that i found out was actually like a garnish and i was like oh that's embarrassing i truly thought it was like an italian meat the entire time and someone was like it's oh no it's uh it's almost like a

lettuce it's there's hold on there's romaine there's not arugula keep talking because I'm going to google it arugula, basil um butter lettuce could you imagine it was like iceberg iceberg lettuce gets a bad rap and I don't think it's that bad

I mean it's just a thing it's just crunchy water you know what it was't think it's that bad. I mean, it's just like, it's just a thing. It's just crunchy water. You know what it was? I think, yeah, I think it was, how do you say it? Frisee? Frizzy? Oh, it's like white slop that they put on stuff?

No, it's like a lettuce. F-R-I-S-E-E. Anyway, like I truly thought it was like a cheese and because I'm allergic to dairy, I kept being like, no, I don't know. R-I-S-E-E. Anyway, like I truly thought it was like a cheese. And because I'm allergic to dairy, I kept being like, no, I'll take the salad with no frizzy. And they were like. And they're like, that is the salad, bitch. Yeah.

So do you want a plate of candied walnuts? And I was like, yeah, that sounds good. Give me that candied walnut. Thank you so much. Thanks for having me, Cheesecake Factory. Wait, you're allergic to dairy yeah it's such a bummer all dairy your whole life so i used to just think i was lactose intolerant like it was just like stomach ache blah then i moved to la and my skin like exploded and i had really bad cystic

acne and i thought i was like it's the water in the air, but God ain't going to stop me. I'm a be a star, you know? So I like went to this, like again, with like no insurance and no money. I just went to this guy who was like,

yeah, I'm a dermatologist. Like he was unsure of how he was saying it. And I was like, what do I do with this acne? He's like, uh, here's an antibiotic to take for eight years. So I was just on an antibiotic for eight years so then I like you know got better jobs I

could finally have like insurance and like went to a real dermatologist I swear to you she walked in and like I'm not one of these like guys who's just like women do it all but like they also do and like this woman walked in looked at my face for and this is not exaggeration maybe four seconds and went oh you're allergic to dairy and i went no it's not that she was like you're allergic to dairy and i was like no every once in a while it makes my stomach hurt and she was like you're allergic to dairy don't eat it for eight days on the ninth day you will wake up and your skin will be clear i was like all right sure whatever i swear to you the ninth morning i woke up like i still had the scarring but like and i was just like dang it dang it she was right like and so i just haven't had it

since then to the point where like if if there's like extra butter and i can have butter like if it's baked in or whatever but like there will be times that like i can tell someone put too much butter or milk in like a baked product because i will eat it and just wake up with just like a pain on my side the side of my face and be like ah dang it like it's crazy it gets me i truly wonder if i'm allergic to dairy because i thought it was the water no No, I just read this. This is not an exaggeration. So there's a science comedy writer, technically, that I like named Mary Roach.

She wrote this book about the digestive tract called Gulp. 75% or more of black people and Asians are lactose at the very least lactose intolerant, while it's only 23% of like white people. So that means three out of four black people at the very least just shouldn't be messing with it anyway, because it makes you sick. So I wonder, I don't know what the allergy percentages are, but you absolutely should just think about kind of easing on it. I would bet it's that. I would bet it's that.

Probably, because there'll be some days where I will eat vegan for like four days and my skin will just clear up. And I'm like, ooh, isn't that nice? And then I go, all right right let's eat pizza for two weeks and then I will have so much acne I truly ate pizza for two weeks and then I hurt my jaw I injured myself because the dough was too chewy and I've been explaining this to people and they're like Nicole that's not a thing and I was like I mean it is a thing and i'm experiencing it i wonder if there's anybody

else out there who's eating pizza for two weeks straight who hurt their jaw i don't know i guess you gotta reach out to papa john and see if he responds or if he's like sorry i got tfj papa john is literally the most insane human being he's always sweating sweating and yelling and i'm like you make pizza man like how are you not happy it's so weird and i mean this for good and for bad but like it's wild pre-internet how easy it was to keep a secret like you could he could have just been a guy that like was on the commercials and we never know anything else and like i don't love papa john's pizza but it wasn't you don't of like the fast food pizzas like i'm a domino's boy

what yeah i love it i love it my okay it for me it is papa john's pizza hut then dominoes that is it truly goes to me clearly it goes uh dominoes then like round table then papa john's what's round table you've never had round table pizza no okay this is not yes this is not an exaggeration if you give me your address i will send one to you tonight if you can have pizza i had pizza last night but i can eat it again how about this how about this you don't you don't even have to do it tonight you can cash the coupon whenever you want and i swear to god i'll eat it tonight okay i'll send it tonight this is so exciting so good it's just like trashy to me it's like a thinner crust little caesars and i love little caesars especially for five dollars little caesars oh my god it's

five dollars and that truly worries me because i'm like wait a minute if it's only five dollars something's wrong with it it's gonna make me sick or something it's not it's just that like i mean it's the most it's like the ford model today model t whatever their first like mass production vehicle is that's what it is it's model t right or i meant to say assembly line vehicle but uh yeah it's just they just do it all right there there's just like five people back there just making pizza and it's like they're not making them to order it's just like they make it then they put it on the heater they make then they put it on the heater. They make it, they put it on the heater. It's so good, though.

It really is. It's like nasty, but it's good. Wait, do you mess with do you like Impossible Whoppers? I have not had an Impossible Whopper yet, but I fucking love Impossible Burgers. All right. I think they are so good. Yeah, I don't like I have yet to find a vegan cheese that I like. but I fucking love impossible burgers. Okay, all right. I think they are so good. Yeah. I don't like,

I have yet to find a vegan cheese that I like. Yo, okay. I've been screaming this from the rooftops. Follow your heart brand. Oh. Vegan cheese is the best. They have the best cheddar. They have the best pepper jack.

They have the best provolone. I, yo, I ride for them. Do they? They have very good ranch and I'm very, very picky with my ranches. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's who I would. Hey, that's what I would roll with.

That's how I roll with Follow Your Heart? So tell me about you. Wait, first we have to take a break. Oh my God. wait first we have to take a break oh my god and now we're back okay yasser i'm not going to tell you about me what i'm going to talk to you about is i found an article that said uh 18 body language clues that say he's interested. Definitely. And I want to know from you, a straight man. Okay.

Okay. I mean, you didn't need the question. You didn't need the question inflection, but well, you know, you don't want to assume it's not nice. You know what?

You know what? My vibe is, is truly like, I think, you know how like every guy is just like they meet a lesbian and they're like i could flip her and it's just like she's a lesbian woman you know that's how gay dudes treat me like they every time they meet me they're like they're like it wouldn't even be a challenge and i I'm like, okay, thank you. I'd hope that genetically I'd be like, no, I'm cool.

But they're like, no, man, I'd break you in half. And I'm like, can I please have the sandwich I ordered? Why are you doing this to me? That's very funny. I think it's because you are good to talk to. You don't have toxic, manly vibes yeah so i think gay men are probably like uh it's probably because he likes men as opposed to oh he's just a nice man because i know when a man is nice to me i'm like he's in love with me yeah and it's like that's not it he's just being nice to you okay here's so there's a level of attraction oh i mean it's just very it's young

it's freud it's like you're usually only nice to people you're somewhat attracted to because otherwise we're all very not standoffish but you know what i mean think about it like you can tell when like someone like for the sake of argument like if your server is like overly friendly or like someone at the bank, you're like, I know they're not like this with everyone. I know it unless they're like a sociopath, you know. So like there is there is truth to it. It's just not they may not be like, you know, come home with me. But I do think that interesting because I'll go out with sashir who is very funny but also very beautiful she's like classically gorgeous she got a body yada yada she got great

face and sometimes we'll be out and people will be so nice to me and joke around with me and be like teehee and they'll be like what do you want you trash bitch to her and i'm like what why is this happening and we'll have like conversations and be like why were they so mean to her and i'm like what why is this happening and we'll have like conversations to be like why were they so mean to you yeah i guess it's because they liked me but i'm like she's got the boyfriend so this is not translating the way i want it to but i mean like that's the only difference though is she's just dating someone like a perfect example so like so i and i've talked about this a bunch but like you're I was thinning or like balding essentially. Like my hair was just like flying out of my skull.

So I started doing this stuff called PRP and like all my hair grew back. And I will tell you the world just became a nicer place. Like with hair, like people were just like, what's up man? Just like, just so happy to see me. Someone who I'd never met before. And I was like, okay,

now I'm going to start going back to the places that like, I, you know, used to haunt like diners and stuff and see if they're nicer. And like, even people that had never met me and people that had met me, but didn't remember me, it's like,

oh, they're nicer because i have hair and the hair automatically even though it doesn't make you like more handsome there's just a level of like having hair is normal so you're attractive you know what i mean like and people are just nicer to you and i'm like oh yeah like for sure that's what's happening so like that's why i say that to you specifically, specifically is that regardless of the shears, you know, face or any of that hair thing is wild to me because i'm never like i guess i i don't know i'm i'm just not like you're less attractive because you have no hair uh so like i guess i just don't treat people based on like the attraction i'm just let me

tell you something nicole let me tell you something you may think that i'm telling you as someone who was bald like you know how like you know I mean like and you know it as a woman you meet someone man woman non gender conforming you know when they look you up and down and you know you can tell when someone's looked you up and down and made their assessment like I'm

telling you every person who is attracted to a man will walk up and just like it's like hairline and then shoes it's like you can see them do it immediately and when i was bald people were like okay but now people are like wow thanks for coming maybe i don't do that because i'm not considered like traditionally attractive so like i i just know that like if a fat person near me looks sad I will try to make them laugh so at least they have one laugh for the day because being fat is hard yeah I yes and I can

only imagine and I'm not saying I'm not even putting baldness on that what I'm saying though i know i know i know but also i find men sexy in any way so like truly it's me going true true but i'm telling you 99 of the time the men that you find attractive that are bald if they had hair you would be losing it over like it's just it's just the name of the game you know what i'm saying okay you are right because there's these incredible videos on probably, I think it's Twitter. Maybe it's on Instagram too. Yeah. Of like men who are balding or bald and then they go to the shop and somebody gets them a weave and then you're like, damn.

Yeah. Ooh, ooh, ooh. Yeah. Interesting that hair does it for people. It's, I'm telling you, like, and I mean, mean like i've i mean you know i've been on tv a little bit and like a lot of it you've done whole seasons of shows but i say all that to say that like people like i'll get texts where it's like man i wish you had hair when we were doing and i'm like that thing five years ago yes me too but sadly i was poor did making

did you have hair on making history no and that's why it failed here's not only not only that but i remember the creator this his name's julius sharp very funny person uh but he's bald and he was like one of the things he told me he was like i he's like i knew you from the moment i met you because like i wasn't an actor at the time like they kind of just gave that to me blindly in a very stupid way but like uh but i he like he was like i went to the network he was like you know they were talking about how they like this other guy and i was like no way like we don't have any bald people on tv right now we need a bald funny guy he just like kept hitting it and i was like wow like technically it worked to my advantage but also in a way where it's like we feel bad for this like bald boy who's like give

me a chance like it was so sad i was just like thank you thank you so much you know when you like feel like you know i'm saying i'm sure you get it. You know, and you like feel like, you know what I'm saying? I'm sure you get it as a black lady. Are you kidding me? Someone's just like, oh, we wanted someone else. But we're like, this bitch is black. We love this black bitch. She's also fat.

And she's funny. And she's not sad about being fat. We got to get this popping. about being fat we gotta get this popping i can't tell you how many parts i've gone out for where they're like bubbly chubby and sassy also the best friend and she has no life other than her friend's life and there was one audition i had where i was like all of my lines were like girl you need to go and you need to sing want to know why you need to sing because you have the voice girl i got a job and guess what it also circumvents to you singing so get out there and sing and i was like can i read the rest of the script i read the rest of the script every single line was girl for

you i'll do anything i was like i don't know anyone fat or not who will dedicate their lives to this like depressed white woman i don't know who is it who i haven't met her yet it's so crazy because like it truly you know and i've read a bunch of that stuff too like you know i read the female characters and shows and i'm like i just don't know outside of like you know a big black woman big up in her skinny sad white friend it's like i don't know anyone with friends who even support them that much like all my friends are like i don't want to do this i'm like all right and don't do it like you know just don't do it what do you what are you talking to me about this for like yeah i feel like yeah my conversations are like so wait what are the pros and cons

okay here's my opinion um let's go get dinner and they bring it up again i'm like you have a therapist right talk to your therapist about this yeah or you can give me 200 dollars and i'll do it i'll do it yeah give the casting director my name i'll fucking do that that's fine i i you know i'll say this because i know people listening to this they're not all like tell us about acting but for the people that are listening i think the funniest thing is like and like the things that you have to like kind of stand up for in yourself also it's just like you know we're living we're living through uh the craziness of you know all this uh you know race explosion again but on top of that even before this it's

like you know you're one of a few people that i know that have ever been like i should say something publicly about this because this is crazy you know what i'm saying because most people are just like i love playing this role but like i kept getting things like and also i like i auditioning feels crazy to me like i I'm just like, no matter, no, even if it's your best friends, you're like, all right, let me shine my tap shoes.

But it's even crazier when you know them because you're like, you know exactly what I can do. Yeah, dude, I say that all the time. I'm like, there's, there's no hidden well of talent with me.

No, what you see is what you're going to get. Exactly. There's, there's no digging deeper. Like I've said everything that I'm going to say. Like comedy. It's like, it's all out there. with me no but you see is what you're gonna get exactly there's there's no digging deeper like i've said everything that i'm gonna say like comedy it's like it's all out there the drama bring me in let's see if i can say anything without like a twinkle in my eye and i'm like

tv he's dead and they're like nicole you're really wrong for this and i'm like i know i've been trying to tell y'all but but everything I got for three years, this is not exaggeration, was just like this gay black nerd with glasses just wants to make sure his friends fly. And it's like, OK, like all of those things, like I'm black and wear. Oh, it was it was always gay black nerd. I don't know if I added that part, But it was always gay black nerd with glasses. And I was like y'all just said nerd. Because I wear glasses. And I also have like I get my voice.

I hear it and I'm like whoa. And I'm black. And the thing is. And I don't mind the gay thing. It's always just they're like. They don't know. How to have someone. Who's just black or just gay or just a nerd. And they're like, they're everything.

And here's the one role and we'll give them $200. You know what I mean? And I was just like, wait, yeah, y'all ain't getting me like that. You ain't like, I'm like, cause here's the thing. If you're gonna make me like, if you're gonna make the role gay and it's me like i'm gonna be gay i ain't gonna be a nerd like i'm gonna be like a swaggy gay dude you know what i'm saying like y'all ain't about to play me so like anyway it's just crazy um yeah it's wild that like an industry full of creatives lack so much creativity that's because they all come out of the same system they all all come out of these fancy colleges.

And none of them, I don't want to say none of them have experiences. That's not true, given some people just have different lives. But still, it's like at the end of it. My thing is like, and this is true for you, because we also share a lot of the same friends. Jason Kim, for example. What a dream of a person. Brilliant. He's a brilliant writer.

One of the funniest people I know. Gay and Asian, right? But is like the most handsome, sexy, stylish, intelligent. Like he is all of those things. And even with him, I'm just like no one. It feels like he's a real person and no one would ever think to like, write a character like him, you know what I'm saying?

Or like very, very correct because he is, he's three dimensional. He teeters between being like ultra feminine and then pretty masculine. And like, he just lives in a lot of those worlds, but then he's wearing a Dior shirt that he's constantly like, should I return it? Like's just my favorite funny that I saw him like

you know him and his husband just went back to New York Jeremy and uh I saw them at like some weird thing this was months ago clearly I was he was Jason was wearing like this orange like beautiful like almost trench coat like extended peacoat and I was like like this orange like beautiful like almost trench coat like extended coat and i was like jason this is like this is the nicest jacket i've ever seen like i don't want to copy you but also it's tight like should i get one how much was it and he goes uh i hate doing this in front of jeremy but it was a thousand dollars and jeremy's like it was a thousand dollars i can't believe that and jason's like haha i know i know and then jeremy turns around and jason looks at me and whispers it was four thousand dollars that was like what he's so insane he's insane and the way he acts is like if someone could write that they would

be a genius right like he's just so naturally funny yeah i've been getting his updates about this rv trip across it's america crazy and he's like i'm on a moving toilet and i'm like yes that's what it is yeah you got it and they got into a fight with a what they thought was a coyote but it was just a small dog and a child saved them it just i love him he makes me so happy yeah he's i it's it's weird because like also i met like and i i don't want to get into the like the specifics of his personal life but like i met him when we were both writing on girls and like we were just both kind of like do you want to be friends hey man hey come here come here do you want to be friends like he's i think how he gathers friends i met him on the beach because you uh we have a mutual friend in

common and they went swimming and we were like no thank you and then he was like do you like beyonce and i was like i love beyonce and then he was like can we talk about beyonce and i was like yes and then i was like i think we're friends now and we've been friends ever since he's the best he's like he's truly one of the only but like and also i'll say this he weirdly because me and you had only done like one show together maybe two over the course of years and he was always like nicole byer is the best make sure you get to know her and now i'm glad he did because you are one of my favorite people and everything you say my favorite people i do say i will say this though we haven't hung out like we've only got to do shows together and like kind of hang out afterwards like we need to really like get it popping like not podcast

i think you're so funny and you're so you're so funny i truly am like drawn to black weirdos like there's not enough of us and like there aren't enough of us and you don't get to see them on tv either like you don't and there's a lot of us who are very odd you're very uh like and i these are i mean of course a compliment but they're just like because they don't rest in comedy they're gonna feel weird but you're like you're very missy elliot like tiara whack to me like there's something so like uh you're like yeah i don't know there's just wait her name is tiara i thought it was tara no it's i always thought it was tiara whack i'm almost positive i think you're absolutely

right um now i feel insane because i've recommended her to so many people and i was like tara whack and then i can't find her and I'm like why it's because you're spelling it wrong yeah they're spelling it wrong you're I talked about your Jersey Mike's tweet it's my favorite thing anybody's ever done

I just be bored man it made me laugh so hard and I was I read it and I was like oh my god this is wild and then i retweeted it and then i was like wait yasser's funny this can't be so then i googled it and i was like this is not real so if you don't know yasser tweeted that jersey mike's changed the blt from bacon lettuce and tomato to what is it? It was bacon. The BLM. Bacon, lettuce, mato.

Which I thought was enough of a give. And people really, like, it got to the point where, like, celebrities were just like, we're going to burn Jersey Mike's to the ground. And I was like, oh, man, like, I'm going to lose everything. It was really funny. I was so bummed. And then I, like, tweeted at you. I was like, I i like tweeted at you i was like i almost fell for this you're like fell for what it's not true i was like wait oh no and then i was like even

fucked harder so then i like truly like googled it a second time i'm like sitting in my car waiting for somebody to come out and i was like i have to get to the bottom of this. Is Jersey Mike's? What is happening? It really made me laugh. Holy, come on now. It was very funny. What part of town do you live in? On the east side. Oh, okay.

We can be telling these people where we live. What's your address and what's your social security number? 225. Okay. Oh, no, I've said too much. too much marisa you're gonna have to bleep that out because people will figure it out yeah they really will that's the scary part um well somebody i took a picture and posted it and someone figured out where i lived and they like dm'd me my full blown address and a picture of my house and i was like oh so now i have to be like conscientious of like street signs when I post things on the

internet, which is crazy. But also like come over with a mask and fuck me. Okay. Wait, here's a question. Like, I don't know. We'll say this scale of one to 10, one being like, uh, one being like, I don't know, Gilbert Gottfried, I guess guess and then 10 being your like brad pitt morris chestnut what's the lowest on the scale that you would go of a stranger

showing up with a mask and being like let's do it in my brain right now without a doubt one but i know in reality yeah probably like a four four yeah i can deal with like well okay actually no i can do a one because if we're wearing masks and your eyes are like friendly no okay how about this but right before they show up they like send a picture so you know what they look like mask this but they're a stranger they're you you have no idea if they've tested for covid and std like they're a stranger but they're like i'll do it i'll be there in four and a half minutes then you know maybe uglier is better because maybe they're not fucking a lot and they don't have an std okay

that's like wow that's a that's a loophole but i like it well you know like really pretty people live in this bubble where they don't think things affect them right so like maybe they're like no i don't have to get tested but i banged 37 people in the last four days you know but also can we say this like they kind of do live in a like things never happen to them like i i know very few good-looking people where they've even like had a cold they're just like oh yeah that just doesn't happen to me and i'm like oh okay that's cool i fully agree and then people who make themselves pretty like nothing happens to them like the kardashians got famous and then all became incredibly pretty people and now they live this really charmed life it is crazy to think of it's like okay if you have the money like just for

a like a baseline amount to get a baseline amount of surgery to make you quote-unquote good looking like you can potentially become a billionaire. A full blown billionaire. Why isn't everyone just taking out like loans and just getting like, don't buy a house, like get plastic surgery. Honestly, I think that's good advice. Like if anybody's like, I want to be a famous TikToker. It's like, then go get some surgery. Look like all of them and you can do it.

I follow this lady on OnlyFans. Do you do OnlyFans? I fucking love OnlyFans. I, okay. Here's, here's what I'll say, just so I'm not in too much trouble. Like, as a concept, I absolutely, like, I'm like, yes, go for it. Like, yes.

And I see people, I'm like, if it wouldn't get me in trouble, I would have followed that person. Oh, yeah, you're in a relationship. So you can't be like. I'm like here. And also, I mean this sincerely, like outside of that, like because I'm sure if we talked about it, then maybe it would be fine. But even that, like, I'm just like, come on.

Like, there's just another thing to spend money on. Yeah. It's like the Patreon of porn. And I'm here for it there's this lady named mary magdalene fun name she boasts having the world's fattest pussy and i love her so much she's had so much surgery she had a surgery on her lips so they never close so they're just her teeth are just showing at all times. And then she's got these huge hips,

but then she didn't do anything to her legs. So it truly looks like a fat black ass with toothpicks in it. She's literally my favorite person in the whole wide world and I love her so much. But okay, in a way that you're kind of laughing

or do you find her genuinely attractive? Oh, I don't. It's not that I'm laughing. I don't know if I find her genuinely attractive. I think I just find her so interesting looking. And I think I'm like, I love somebody who would rather look interesting than like everybody else. Right. She also has an Instagram.

If you want to follow her. Okay. I'm going to find it. I think it's Mary Magdalene. Okay. Well, here's what I'll say. Like, yes, but also it makes me nervous in the sense that like, because like, I don't know.

And I hate to be this dude again, but like I am, but I am very much one of those guys like you're pretty no matter how you, you know what I mean? Like, I do think that like, I don't know. It's probably some weird gross childhood thing, but it's like, I like when a woman has stretch marks and like, you know, like everything's saggy and like wrinkles. Okay. So that's, that's Mary. Oh, see, that's a bummer.

Like she, that's a bummer. I love her so much. I'm like, it's not, I'm saying it's a bummer like she that's a bummer i love her so much i'm like it's not i'm saying it's a bummer for me i don't want anyone to think i'm like yeah yes you like natural women yeah yeah i like women who look like uh fully plastic to me it's it's interesting it is here's the thing i'm not saying it's not interesting especially from like an aesthetic point of view where you're like, oh, wow. Like, I don't know. There's something interesting about pushing the body's limits to get to that that I think is very like, oh, wow. Like, I don't know, because I think we all thought as like kids, it was like you were going to have like a metal arm and like your eye was going to be a laser.

And like, you know, but you're like, no, what cyborgs look like are just like Instagram thoughts instagram thoughts like it's just like you kind of just make your butt bigger like you know what i mean like so that part of it to me is very interesting but like i don't know because it's actually because i'm like covered in tattoos and i'm like what is the difference like what makes me think what i'm doing is any different it's still just a body modification yeah you know what i'm saying like so i don't know where i get off thinking that like any one is is better or less judged than the other you know what i mean so it is i guess you're right i think i think it's because tattoos can be covered so it's like oh i can make these go away.

So if you don't like them, they can go away. She truly can't hide. What she looks like is what she looks like. If she covers it up, it's like, I still know that your hips are so huge. Right. But here's my question. Because she can't close her lips, does she use bigger straws? I don't know maybe i'll

comment on one of her pictures what's up it's nicole uh do you use bigger straws uh what's going on oh yeah i guess it would be really hard to get the suction going that's what i'm saying like do you use like those big old boba straws do you go garden hose yeah these are the questions that's funny i never thought of it also this episode's gonna be so long i have questions okay when you're attracted to a lady do you serve her an eyebrow flash like you raise one eyebrow oh wait can i not do that oh wait there it goes do you do that i don't know okay bringing it back to wrestling i feel like that's very like the rock in a way and i also i'll say i'll say this like raised by single mom most of my uncles growing up weren't even around and when they were it was like they were just getting out of jail so it's like

you can't really be taking manly advice from someone who was just just like yeah i killed somebody like you know i'm saying it's like the last person you want to be like all right so that being said my game quote unquote has always just been like like hey make sure you know you cannot be afraid of me you know what i mean like it's always just been like this like like not like a dork but also just kind of like hey just whatever like my my game is just like steamroll me you know what i mean like this is why gay men think they can turn you yeah that and like i always like you know it's all it's all the same tragic nonsense that we all do where it's like be funny you know so like any idea of like approaching a woman with

confidence like because i think that's like a very single mom thing too especially for boys it's like you're either hyper masculine or you're like i don't want to say hyper feminine but essentially hyper feminine and like because i was also like an artist and like all this stuff so it was like i never like i never rolled up like what's up like you know like i was always like i'll buy you something i'll buy you something what is your boy i'll buy your boyfriend something too just so you know everything's cool another thing on this list is he'll touch his face a lot while looking at you well here's the thing i i half believe that but i also had acne for years so it's also trying if i was talking to someone was like trying to

cover does that make sense so i was like always kind of doing that but i i feel like that could make sense but like right now it's just a nigga with his eyebrow raised just touching his face being like you're my girlfriend also he'll spread his legs while sitting opposite of you to give him give you a crotch display so he's touching his face he's got one eye raised and he's sitting spread eagle this is the wildest this is from today.com and i think they're wrong. Okay, number one. USA Today or just today.com? Today, the Today Show. Oh, that today. I was like, what are we talking about?

Oh, you know I love to peruse the website called today.com and it tells you what you should know today. But it feels like one of those things that just like some dude would be like, I bet no one owns today.com and like bought it and was just like, all right, now you're going to hear my articles. You're going to hear about how I do for women. Because also, that's also primal.

You know what I mean? Like in terms of like, there's no real, anything that makes us human is kind of wiped out. It's like spread your legs, touch your face, raise your eyebrows.

Like you could imagine if someone was like, monkeys do this. You'd be like, yeah, of course. Yeah, of course they do that's crazy yeah um wait what else do they have um a lot so they have 18 so his lips are apart his nostrils flare he'll try to attract your attention. Honestly, this does sound like everything a monkey would do. Well, this one. He strokes his tie or smooths a lapel.

He'll smooth or mess up his hair. His eyeball remains raised while talking to you. He'll fiddle with his socks and pull them up. Everything is erect. He'll let you see him checking out your body he'll play with his buttons on his jacket buttoning them and unbuttoning them i truly thought you were gonna end that but like it

would be so funny if he's just like i really like you and he's just playing with his butt honestly i would you gotta date that person no I think I'd be like, okay, this person is weird and I'm here for it. He'll start squeezing his glass. What? So he's like just breaking glasses in the bar. Yeah. That's wild. He'll perch on the edge of his seat to get closer.

He'll guide you by putting his arm on your elbow or the small of your back, which is my only indication that somebody likes me. There'll be lots of accidentally on purpose touches. And then the last one is he'll lend you his coat or his sweater. It feels like all of those things get you in trouble. Well, I feel like all of them are just like, yeah, that's how people are naturally. Yeah, but it's like toucher, show her your dick.

It's like so crazy crazy that's crazy yeah if a man was sitting across from me with his legs open i'd be like oh does he have a big dick and he can't close his legs that's not true that's never true the only one i kind of get not even kind of like the rest of them kind of just sound like someone who's like waiting for bad news, like playing with their socks and their eyebrows raised and there's like straightening their tie. But like the one that kind of makes sense is like. Like, you know, when people are like flirting and one person lightly touches the other one's hand or like like that, I'm always like, OK, that I get, you know, one way or the other power, gender power dynamic kind of doesn't matter, but like that doesn't matter. But you know what I'm saying? That one kind of goes for everyone, but the rest of it, like, I just can't imagine like my sister, well, I mean, my sister's married

to a woman. So just a home girl, I should say, coming back and be like, I saw the cutest guy. He kept playing with his tie and his socks, His eyebrows raised and his nostrils were flared. Yeah, sir. I'll be right back. I have to pee real quick. I drank too much coffee. Okay. Do your thing.

I'm back. We're back. Nicole, was it yellow? Was it clear? It was clear-ish. Okay. That means you've been having a good amount of water i've been drinking a ton of water because i realized two days ago i was like i didn't drink

water at all today yeah that's that's a bummer i've been hitting those a little like more recently than before but i also like like i don't like again i don't do full pandemic talk again but like the first two months of this i like went hard like i was just whatever i wanted to eat or drink or whatever like i didn't i didn't even remotely think about it and now i'm kind of like oh that's why my chest keeps hurting but also are you working again are you doing stand-up i've done one show and it was outside in the back of a pickup truck like open air like the audience is like 10 feet away from you and they're all seven feet away from each other how was it i gotta say like it felt good and it felt good in the sense that it felt real. Like I think so many times, like you get it, you're on the road, it's like club and it's club

and it's club, but it felt like these people want to be here. Like this feels like what it started out to be, you know what I'm saying? Like, and it was just like nice. Like it was all, I mean, not that you need the Booker, but if you want to do it, you should do it. It was a, it was a fun show all right i'm doing

one i think this week or next week and i'm real nervous about it because i specifically because i'm like i don't know i haven't performed in six months yeah neither had a job where a lot of it is like talking to people and i was like oh my god i don't i don't know how to talk to anybody anymore yeah yeah so I'm like what am I gonna talk about like what is like relevant I'm just like depressed and I'm like oh maybe everyone else is depressed and I can just fucking talk about that but I'll say this I did like a mix of like you know jokes that I had thought of during all this and like jokes that I had before and like because you haven't done it in such a long time the amount of I don't mean like hype energy but I just mean like

excited energy and this is where you're like oh yeah I forgot how much I enjoyed this was nice but it also and I can imagine this for anyone like I have homies back in Georgia who like work at the bank and it's just like, no matter what you do, no matter how safe you are, you're just like, am I going to get COVID? Like every, no matter every single thing you do, like you tell a joke and people are laughing and you're like, did that give me COVID? Yeah. That's like the thing that frightens me the most.

Just like people open mouth, ha ha haing at me. But, oh no. So the one I did, everyone had to wear masks. No one was allowed to eat or drink so you couldn't even pull them down. It was, the only people that were unmasked were the comics and you were only allowed to be unmasked when you were in the back of the pickup. Like to the point where I was like

should I just buy a truck and park it somewhere like Che and like just do it. That's what Che did? He bought a truck? I don't know if he bought it, but he's been doing his in the back of a truck, which is tight. Oh no. Yeah. Alright, maybe it won't be so bad bad i honestly think i'll just keep my mask on for the whole time and be like if you can't understand me then fucking deal with it i don't know what to tell you yeah i just don't fucking want it and then i've got jobs lined up where i'm like

do i chance not working because i get covid because I had to tell a joke. Yeah. I mean, here's and I'm not clearly I'm not an anti-masker. Clearly, I very much believe in it. But the chances of getting it while everyone is masked around you or even just being they're low. It's just that everyone keeps being stupid. As long as you're not stupid, you should be fine. Take a lot of vitamin C.

Take a lot of zinc. You got to drink your drink your bleach yes and you just get on out there i love drinking my bleach the bleach i choose is clorox and then i chase it with fabuloso i was gonna say name two bleaches uh i don't even know fabuloso is a bleach i think it's is a bleach. I think it's just a cleanser. I think it is just a beautiful purple cleanser. Wait, where are you from, Nicole? New Jersey. Really? Yeah, where'd you think I was from?

Oh, I don't know. I just realized that I was just like, I actually don't know where you're originally from. I just know you're from Georgia because of today. I thought you were from the Bay Area, and I don't know why I thought that. Well, you know what's interesting is so my mom is my mom's born and raised in berkeley and so we lived there for two or three years i but she carries that energy no matter where she is so like we got to georgia she was like don't you talk like these niggas out here so like

we just had to just essentially talk exactly like she talked. She's funny. I like her. You would. I'm not kidding. Do you know Janelle James at all? Yes. She's one of my favorite fucking people.

She's so great. But Janelle and my mom met and they're like homies. Like she's her and Peretti met. They're homies. Like you will if you ever meet my mom. I'm not kidding. Within 20 minutes, you guys will be exchanging. I want to meet her. I've been collecting moms.

My friend Eleanor, her mom came to one of my shows and I was like, oh, Eleanor, please tell your mother that like it's raunchy. It's or people think it's raunchy. But then she went, she was like, you're just funny. She was like, sure. You know, there was a lot of interesting things, but it was funny. you know there was a lot of interesting things but it was funny when this is all done yeah how can i how should i like approach men how do you how okay before you were in a relationship yeah you just said that you like to be like i'm not scary but like how do you do you like when

girls hit on you or yes Yes. Oh, my God. Yes. Are you kidding? You know how much like pressure that because here's the thing, like and this this goes for everyone. Again, sex doesn't matter. We each have societal. Not pressures, but norms that have been agreed upon and how things should transpire in terms of dating right what kind of attitude is the one that approaches someone what kind of person is the

one who receives said attitude you know like my sister is like a tomboyish lesbian so it's like she's the one who has to like approach before she was married had to approach her partner or whatever you know what i mean so for guys it's like you can't be like a trembling like ah do you read you know what i mean you can't just go up to a woman hey uh do you read so there is like a certain level of like you know who is this dude but i say all that to say that like if a woman is just like yo what's up like i was always like yo thank god because now it weirdly puts us upon a level that we've like that we're like meeting on you know what i'm saying because she has a more assertive energy so my whatever assertive energy i have can be reciprocated you know what i'm saying because you also don't want to go in and be like blah that being said as a guy but as a woman it's like whatever you do this will save a man's life like if you're just like hey he'll be like oh my god thank you the only time it doesn't work is if they're in a relationship you're like don't get

me in trouble but like uh but like i think that like outside of like you know like here comes the flattery part but you're a very beautiful woman you're a very funny woman you're a very talented woman and like confident and like even remote like and again like you know girls run the world girl power whatever but like like the idea that like um a man would even like be lucky enough that you'd be like, hey, should be a reason enough that he's like, yes, I'll do whatever you want. But like but more than that, like I just think that people I don't know, I really hope that like that we all come out of it just a little bit smarter or just like a little more empathetic and a little more caring and loving of one another and like but outside of that like the people that haven't had sex like i truly think y'all should go bonkers crazy like i if everyone in code like

during this this quarantine who hadn't had sex all got together and have like a massive orgy i would be like that is so tight like just like just all get it out there it would be so nice i think and like so that being said i think just be like yo we both know the deal i think you're good looking like that's just so much of it it's just like people just want to be complimented just be like i think you're good looking i'm good looking do you want to do this or not you know what i'm saying he's just like so be direct just be direct but also it's like because here's the thing if it's not him it'll just be someone else i think that's the other thing with like dating that like i and i'll say this is more for women because you'll handle it differently and i'm just like there's just so many people out there like there just is

like when you find someone who you're like great this is great and then they're not the person you're like fuck so now i gotta talk to a bunch of other idiots i'm not talking about that part of it i'm talking about like you know it could be you could be a friend where it's like they date someone for three weeks and then it ends and they're like my god it's just's just like that just wasn't the person like you got to let that go. Like spending years with someone is a different thing because like, you know, that's like an actual like melding of energies, if you will. You guys are tied together now. But like but, you know, these people who are devastated when they're like, I got ghosted, like every time i got ghosted i mean i was like that was so great for me like just like just like leave me alone no explanation like that's wonderful are

you kidding like i like that you're like the only thing that you kind of miss you're like wow like someone that confident would probably be great in a relationship i don't mind ghosting at like three weeks like a month that's fine i think anything after like a month and a half you have to be like demonic i think that's not this isn't working for me then you're like okay great whatever but yeah but i'll also say this i do think you also have to have a month, a month's worth of meetups. Like, cause people will talk for a month and only hang out once, maybe twice. And then be like, they ghosted me. It's just like, all you're doing was texting.

Like that does, I'm sorry. Like that just doesn't count. I think texting creates a false sense of intimacy. Yeah, absolutely. Cause it's like, yeah, you don't fucking know that person. You got to hang out with them. Wait, how often do you hang out with someone before you're like oh i really like them do you hang out with them like more than once a week i've only ever hung out with guys like once maybe twice a week and wait are you saying that like by your choice or that like just as to how

it works because you're also a very busy person so it's different a lot to do with my schedule because i would like hang out with them sleep over and then leave at four in the morning to go to the airport. But I wonder like for normal people who aren't busy like that, like how often do they hang out in a week? Yeah, I don't know. Because I was closer to your life. Yeah. But I will say this. Like, hey, there's, you know, the saying is true a little bit.

It's like you will make time for the people that you want to see. But I will also say that especially given the line of work that we're in, especially you with the amount of people you have to meet just in a day, just the amount of people you have to meet at any given day. It's like even if you really like someone, you're like, I just don't want to talk anymore. Like, I just, I just want to sit for a moment. And it's like, cause you know, like we talk about it all the time, but it's like the performative aspect of dating is so much, you know, like, especially like, there's one of my homies said this one time, like he's, he's a comic too. I'll tell you again after this who it was. But like he was like going out and his girlfriend at the time was just like, all you do is go out and blah, blah, blah.

And, you know, like, oh, you're doing these shows for free. And he's keep in mind, he's like a very successful person. So it's like the standups free, but he's like makes money in movies and TV, whatever. And he's like, you don't want me to go because you want to spend time with me you don't want me to go because i'm the funny one and you won't have anything to do when i'm gone and she's like no that's not true i'm funny and he's like no you're not so by very nature of your success it implies that you are at least a certain level of successful funny right that you're you're at least good enough to make a lot

of people laugh so it's like you already know going to these situations that this person's like oh nicole's gonna crush it and you're gonna be like oh god i don't like i actually want to do i want to talk about depression you know what i mean like i don't want to be funny like i want to fully talk to you about depression i schedule dates after shows because i'm already up and still like kind of high on like oh that was a great show or like that was a bad show but like whatever i performed so then that leads into the date so i'm like my most charismatic so they get if they know who i am they get a little bit of what they assume it would be and then i wait till like three or four dates in to be like i there's i there's no show and i'm sad today want to hear about it

that's so funny like truly you know my girlfriend chelsea talks about it all the time but it's like when we the first time we spoke on the phone she literally went hello and i just did bits for an hour and she was like all right well i gotta go and i was like all right it's a pleasure wait you talked on the phone before like going out yeah well she was in new york at the time and i was in la at the time i had like just come from new york and um so anyway i like so yeah we like spoke on the phone first and then met in person. How long have you been together? Three years. Dang. That's a nice long time.

Who hit on who first? Me, because I went for it first. But we knew of each other through a mutual friend. And then saw each other on Raya. Ooh, Raya. Yes, which costs money for men men it costs money for some women that when did they start doing that i don't know i pay 30 a month or something like that that's crazy well they also waitlisted me for two years nicole that's crazy that's also also, and I want them to hear this, racist.

Yes, fully racist. So racist. I remember being on there, and I was like, okay, the amount of black women I know in the industry that are single is at least 40. How am I keep coming across the same skinny white blonde photographers who are nobody yes like there's it's just impossible you know and then like i was again like light-skinned black dude with glasses and they're like it seems safe get them right in here we love this it was it was embarrassing so that being said like and know, she's like a brunette. So they're like, oh, you know, a brunette brunette.

Oh, I thought you said a brunette. And I was like, is she a backup singer? I thought she did comedy. No, no, no. She's a brunette. You know, right. Yeah. So truly, I could talk to you for hours.

Yeah. So I find you delightful. Also, I've been watching Black Mondayay i think you're good on it i it's funny that you like didn't start out wanting to act you started out writing and you're so good at acting that's so nice because truly it's it's not just like when things are an insecurity, like we all have insecurities, but like very rarely is that insecurity televised. Like, you know what I mean?

Because again, it's like, I didn't like go for it. It's just like a thing that happened. So like, it's also a show with Don Cheadle and Regina Hall and Andrew Randall's and Paul Shear and Horatio Sands and Casey Wilson and you know like it's like all these people

where you're like oh they like do it you see like June Diane Raphael you're like oh she's perfect oh cool that's yeah but like Yasser you're in that room with them do you know what I mean so it's like you were meant to

like you're better than you think in the same way that a towel boy is in the locker room with LeBron James no because he's not doing the same thing as LeBron James he's not playing he's practicing with him wait what do towel boys do they don't just hand towels

that's what I do is I make sure all the actors have water in between you're actually just a part of crafty and they're like That's what I do is I make sure all the actors have water in between. You're actually just a part of crafty and they're like, we'll throw cap the graphic with some lines. Come on, put them, put them in one of them Palestinian hats. I'm saying a few,

but it's like, even like me with like Zosia Rockmore and like Dulé Hill, they'll like say some stuff and like, I'll be the next line, but I'll just be like watching them. Like, and they're like, yes,

sir. And I'm like, yeah, no yeah no doubt wait has that actually happened to you because that happened to me the other day on a thing i was doing i was mesmerized by this actor who i adore and i just stared at her and they're like nicole and i was like oh um this is not exaggeration literally day one literally day one that's really funny it was was Don Cheadle talking to Regina Hall. It's in the pilot. It's like the first big scene of the show. And they're talking to each other. And I had like the next line, but they were so good.

I was truly just like. And they were like, yeah, sir. Say anything. Oops. Yeah, truly like, huh? Oh, yeah. And like, they're just like staring at me like oh yeah this is this was a mistake oh whose friend is this yeah who's this who brought this who brought yasser here who brought yasser to school today i when i did the good place i

memorized everyone like very will smith of me because on the fresh prince he memorized everybody's lines i memorized everybody's lines. I memorized everybody's lines just because I was like, I know I'll get mesmerized by Ted Danson. So I'm going to memorize all of it. So that's what I did. And then sometimes I would play dumb. Like when people are like,

oh, I don't remember the next line. I'm like, I know your next line. But I wouldn't say it out loud. And then sometimes I'd be like, what's my next line? Just, just, that is crazy.

That's crazy. Oh, I'm fully insane. I just, I truly, I'm just like, I'll do whatever you guys want. Like tell me like,

I'll go pull your car around front if that's what it takes. All right. You've clearly been trying to get off this for a few minutes. So I have to ask you would you date me because i ask everybody that yes i think you're the first straight man to say it without a uh hesitation oh no come on because usually people are like ah well yes and i'm like okay here can i say this though i will here's my here's my uh addendum addendum caveat whatever like i'll date this version of you but like if you try to be like too depressed or more if you try to get more happy or more sad than this i'm like no i'm out oh no then you might have to be you have to be this level 24 7 oh boy that i don't know i know sometimes i get real goofy a friend gave me

a present yesterday and i screamed the whole time i unwrapped it because it was making me giggle and then they started giggling and i was like i love giggles i see yeah i don't know because it's like half like i'm like that is funny and then i'm like and then i would be like okay and be like oh yeah we're all screaming now yeah see oh god see no like right now it's just like you're like slowly just lobbing up the jokes and And I'm like, yeah, this is tight. But like, yeah, I don't know. If you were just like, can I talk to you about something? I'd be like, no.

Yes, sir. Can I just like talk to you? I've been having some trouble. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Can you believe I left my groceries in the car? In the car? Yeah, I left them in the car. In the car? Yeah, I left them in the car.

All the groceries. Oh, all right. But at my dude's house. Oh, so you're fully leaving. Oh, I see. Okay, bye. I'll see you. Oh, just so you know, I just got rid of my text plan.

Oh, see, you're not even. Oh, I'll just call you. I'll call you later. Oh, man. It's one of them phones that's like, it's more app based. it's like oh i'll dm you on instagram then you would not believe this i'm only on picture app oh you only just have pictures on your phone yeah no no no there's photos oh but it's the app is called pictures and it's spelled p-i-c-k-u-r oh then i'll download it it's it's spelled P-I-C-K-U-R Oh, then I'll download it. S-A-C-K-U-R

Oh, okay. Well, I'll just pull up at your house and I'll just be in your bed when you get home. Oh my God, you're not going to believe this. What happened? COVID done got my apartment. COVID done got my apartment

is maybe the funniest thing I've heard in a while you wouldn't believe this COVID done got my apartment and I'm always like again how many times is this going to happen oh no not again I'm going to see you I promise

I promise because I thoroughly enjoy you I've enjoyed you for so long. We did one stand-up show. And, oh, fuck. I can't remember what the comic did before. But, like, they had their mouth, like, on the mic. Oh, I remember.

You made a joke that made me laugh so hard. And I think I was the only one who laughed. Yeah, I'll tell you what it was if you want to remember for real. Yeah. We were doing shows in the lab the improv lab and the person was like very close to the mic and they were like making all these jokes and then they were like i'm an hiv carrier and they kept talking about how they had hiv and then i said that like by merely talking into the mic, I was braver than all the troops and no one, no one laughed. And I laughed. You laugh too hard.

Yeah. Well, if you can make jokes about having it, why can't you make a joke in response to a joke? Yeah. And I think it was just baseline. Like, Oh,

we're in this moment. We understand. Wow. That is brave. And then you being like, I'm brave. yeah and i think it was just baseline like oh we are in this moment we understand wow that is brave and then you being like i'm brave and then i was like why don't you people get that that was fully a joke right yeah because at first we thought his thing was a joke and then he kept going and then me and you were like, I think this nigga really is sensitive. Man, I really used to be of the school where I was like, people are getting too, they're not being sensitive.

They just understand people's journeys and now I'm fully like, everyone is too sensitive. If a joke offends you, you don't have to laugh, one, but also don't let me know that you don't like it. I don't need you to tweet at me you hate it. It happened it happened to me yesterday i fully was like it truly i got it i got a tweet

that i was like i think i'm gonna listen to the joe rogan podcast like it was that like i like did a stupid joke nicole where i was just like i was just like i like i'm sick of like white women complaining about like white men like you guys literally have the power to stop making them like you so you're not allowed to complain and then this white woman wrote back like ah yes a man saying that it's a woman's fault that there are white men it has nothing to do with the societal norms and the pressures of and just like goes on a thing and i was like oh i wish i was dead like I wish I was dead it's so I was just like oh I get it now like anytime I hear

any of those guys being like this is what I'm gonna call gay people I'm like I'm kidding but uh you imagine that I just immediately went to that um yeah so it's like I do think that there is a line because I also am of the school it's just like if it really like hurts someone's feelings, I'm like, what is the point of saying it?

Like, there is no point. But I also I you know what I don't like. I don't like people getting offended on behalf of someone else is what I've realized. Yeah. I had a cancer joke in my act for a while. Yeah. A full 10 minute bit about cancer. And it was about this whatever but um after the show this woman was like i don't know if you should be talking about cancer was at a meet and greet she was like i don't know if you should be talking about cancer like that

i didn't really find it funny blah blah blah this that and the other and i was like oh okay i'm sorry and then the woman right after her goes i have cancer or just uh i'm in remission from cancer and i thought that was one of the funniest bits I've ever seen. And I was like, hmm, OK. And I really want to, like, go pull that lady. Like, do you have cancer? Like, why are you like, are you offended on behalf? What the fuck?

It's yeah, I I truly am like a joke that I find offensive. I then I don't think about it. I'll be like, why did I find it offensive? Right. I'm like, oh, yeah, because they didn't. There wasn't a joke. It was just, I then, I'll think about it. I'll be like, why did I find it offensive? Right. And I'm like, oh, yeah, because they didn't, there wasn't a joke. It was just like rude. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, exactly.

That's exactly what it is. It's just like, you know, someone calling someone like the R word. Yeah. And you're like, oh, but that person like actually is going, like you're just name calling. It's like, yeah, you're just being so nasty. There's no joke there also my contractor the other day said the r word and i didn't know how to be like can you what is that one i will say like that one because it's like so many of them are like so like that

is terrible like you know what i mean like you know the and not say that that one isn't bad but it also like again I'm from Georgia and like the idiotic part so it's like I was I don't want to say race saying it it's not like my mom was like make sure you go out there and say it it's more just like you heard it all the time so it's like even now it's like I know it's offensive but I know the thing I'm thinking of when someone says it isn't the thing that it is, if that makes sense. You know what I'm saying?

Like, I think it is like dumb and goofy or like being so stupid, but I'm like, yes, I see why that's also ableist, but still like, I'm like, Oh,

I get why I still have like this weird, like, cause that's like one of the ones that like lingers still where I'm like, someone will say it. Like, it feels like if weird, like, cause that's like one of the ones that like lingers still where I'm like, someone will say it. Like, it feels like if Trump said it, I might laugh, which is like the worst reaction. You know what I mean?

Like, so like, that's where I kind of get caught up, but the rest of them, I, there was also, it's like jarring when you hear it from someone, when you're like,

Oh, I didn't think you said that. There was an episode of nailed it. This is like season one or two. Yeah. And we were talking about this like cookie that looked truly wildly insane yeah and i like said my piece whatever whatever and then jacques goes it looks what tired and it the way he like his accent it sounded like

the r word yeah i went jacques we do not say that word. And then I started laughing. And then Jacques goes, I cannot say retired. And I was like, oh, I thought you said the other word. And then all of the camera operators were laughing at me because I fully was like, no, Jacques, no. Oh, boy. We have fun. Yes, we did. I love you dearly. I hope you know that. Yasser, now we We have fun. Yes, we did. I love you dearly.

I hope you know that. Yasser, now we have to end. Because I think this is the longest episode of my podcast that I've done. Look, there's so much stuff you're going to have to chop. Chop it up. No, I think we're going to leave it all unless you would like me to chop things out. Also, I might have you back because I enjoyed this. Let's do it.

And I very rarely talk to straight men. chop things out also i might have you back because i enjoyed this let's do yeah and i very rarely talk to straight men uh i usually only i only talk to gay men yeah they're fun because they're fun i love my gay men yasser do you have anything you want to promote uh i mean you said stuff at the beginning so that stuff uh my own podcast with my brother called my brother's sneaker find it where you find podcasts my brother's sneaker yeah um and then i think that's it why is it called my brother's sneaker i like it it's a play off my brother's keeper and we kind of talk about shoes but then we it's just like this it's just like oh we're gonna talk about never mind and then we just talk about whatever we want how do you make sure do you are you like a sneaker head?

Uh, I'll say this COVID has really changed the amount of like, there's too much waste in the world. Like before I was like, buy them, buy them, buy them. And any accountant I had ever worked with was like,

uh, we can tell you didn't grow up with a dad. Uh, and now, um, but now I'm like, no, man, we no man we gotta plant trees uh so yeah half and half i it's really it's strange because i like in the beginning was like buy buy buy and then i was like well i'm not going out yeah i'm like why am i buying this yeah me buying something from this

huge corporation is not like sustaining our economical right. Yeah. So now when I buy liquor, I buy it from like a family liquor store or like an independent liquor store. So I'm like, if I'm buying stuff, I try and I'm trying really hard not to use Amazon. It's a little hard. It's hard. Specifically because they have like websites that they own

that they don't say that it's theirs. Yep. Like, I think it was like, it was like buydirectforus.com. And I was like, it was like, buy direct for us dot com. And I was like, oh, yes, buy for us direct dot com. I'm gonna get some stuff from here. And then it came in an Amazon Prime package. And I was like, wait, what?

I was so upset. That's a bummer. Are you sure it's just that Amazon owns the post office? Oh, yeah. Maybe that, too. It's wild that that was allowed to happen. The Amazon essentially has become their own delivery service or like postal service it's crazy yeah you know this world we live in is bad can i say something i love it i can't get enough i can't get enough of america i love it so much when trump wins again that's what i'm gonna raise

my victory flag imagine i went to san oopsie loops and which is like three hours north and that's not what it's called but i can't remember how to say it san luis obispo yes that was good but truly sounds like san lucy poopsie to me but uh there was just so many trump flags and i was like yeah if you go i mean i didn't have to go three hours. If you go 15 minutes outside any major city, it's literally Trump land. I'm in Glendale. And there's like fully just like, you want to keep this country good? Vote.

Like, I mean, like full, like hand-painted billboards that people are just doing themselves. Like, I got to rip my boy no matter what. Like, God, I don't like my family this much. It's so wild. Yeah. And if you like Trump, I don't hate you. But one, truly wild that you listen to me. But two, what do you like about our country currently?

I would love to know. Truly, you can tweet it at me, at Nicole Byer, if you want it a little bit more private. BaconCansave at gmail.com. Bacon more private. Bacon can save at gmail.com. Bacon, the food can save at gmail.com. Just email me and let me know what you like. I truly same. Make sure you copy me on it.

Like if you are white and you love this country, tell me. Tell me why. Yes, there's the white privilege of it all. Yes, you won't get shot by the police. Sure. But like all of you are poor now, for like 10 celebrities none of you have jobs like you have no class there's no middle class you have no health insurance dollars just that's it for this pandemic you're addicted to pills you love oxycontin what what do you guys

like what what is it what's good about this country? I truly would know. And then before you're like, well, leave. We can't because I mean, we could. I could go to Australia, but I have to quarantine in a government mandated hotel for 14 days. Yeah. And that seems like too much for me right now. But yeah, just like, let me know what you like about America. We'll be here.

Yes or no. We will. We truly will be here. Let me yasser now. We will. We truly will be here. We can't go anywhere. If you liked this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like, you can subscribe. If you write me something nasty, I will read it. This person said, Nicole, I'd love to fill your butthole with chocolate pudding and your vagina with Cool Whip.

You're trying to get me sick. Then have you climb your pole to the top and drop into a split on the floor while I'll be eagerly awaiting your arrival with my rock-hard penis. Which hole did it go in? Don't spoil the surprise. Hop off of me and help me to my feet.

Hand me that red string and those pushpins because I'm about to get all Dexter Morgan up in here. Is this man going to kill me? After I've deduced which hole got... Oh? After I've deduced which hole got murdered, I'm going to wrap you to the table with plastic wrap and stab away at the other hole with my tongue until my sister Deborah walks in. The thrill of getting caught makes me spill my load on the floor.

We need to clean up the evidence, but we're all out of paper towels thankfully you wore an absorbent wig to end the night we'll jump in the bath we'll suck on your toes while we fart in the tub to make champagne for our second date p.s deborah says hi that was wild here's the thing like 90 of that i'm like you need to hit up this dude or this person that's like why do you want your sister there like that's the last it's just like yeah if you can do it without the sister thing then i think you should do well i also don't want to be filled with dessert foods oh yeah that hole my mouth hole sure right that's like a yeast infection and maybe a butt infection

can you you can't fill your butt with stuff i mean people do it all the time i mean i guess you could but with food i mean technically food comes out of it well chewed up food that's been digested i mean i i don't know if he's gonna put a cheeseburger up there it's like he said okay but that's a soft this is i guess it is soft but also how are you gonna get the soft pudding in my butt you know it's like what a no but like an injector thing with like a turkey baster yeah well this was fun okay bye-bye. Bye. This has been a Team Cocoa production.