Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Sleeping with Your Uber Driver (w/ London Hughes)

Episode Date: May 28, 2021

Comedian London Hughes (Netflix's To Catch a Dick) and Nicole chat about her experience moving to America during a pandemic and race war, sleeping with her Uber driver, doggy style techniques, sucking dick, and pitch their new doomsday movie idea. Black Lives Matter! For a list of resources and ways to support, check out blacklivesmatters.carrd.co. Follow Nicole Byer: Upcoming Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastaken Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964 Nicole's book: www.indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where Mina Cole-Beyer tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could, uh, um, you could, uh, replace my nail glue with cum, and I would say, oh, wow, what a treat. This is not durable.

Anyway, my guest today is a stand-up comedian writer and actor she's the first british black woman to be nominated for the edinburgh comedy festival for best show award her special to catch a dick is available on netflix and also hosts the podcast london actually which tackles all things dating it's London you don't understand the amount of people that have told me to come on this goddamn podcast like I literally get uh can you own a cowboy's podcast tweet from someone about three four times a month so yeah I'm so happy to be here well you are answering prayers the children will be rejoicing you're here in the streets everyone's happy are you do you live in la yeah i just moved here um february 2020 February 2020 BC before COVID. Okay. Okay. Yes.

It's been real. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I cannot imagine moving full ass to another country. And then it's like, you better stay your ass inside, bitch.

It's not good here. No, no. And also like being single, like people move into countries. They always do with their like family and loved ones and kids and dogs. Just doing it by yourself and being single, like people move into countries, they always do it with their like family and loved ones and kids and dogs. Just doing it by yourself and being single. Like me and my houseplant, we're getting on really well.

Like this is like, I struck up a bond with my houseplant, Jeffrey. Like this is my life now. I love that your houseplant has a name. I love that it's Jeffrey. He sounds like a gentleman. He is so tall oh yeah he's really tall green and handsome he only drinks water

he is fried thing in extreme sunlight he's fried thing so uh yeah it's good me and jeffrey are cool have you dipped your toes into the dating scene here in los angeles you have i have nicole by i have how is it babes it's hard i need to ask your advice because when you're famous like because you have this don't you feel like you shouldn't be on dating apps like I get on them and then I my self-respect just like my self-respect says honey

what are you doing on bumble like it's just I feel you on that for whatever fucking reason dating apps have been around for like a long ass time but when you're on them swiping you're just like this is the lowest of the low because I can't find someone in person but like yeah that's just like the society we're fucking in like it's hard to meet somebody in person oh it's I just want to do a meet cute I want it to be like

it is in the movies i want to be on set and fall in love and break up a marriage like jennifer anderson yeah and rabbit and angelina jolie did to jen i just want i want that i was like just can't take my eyes off you love at first sight shit and that will never happen on hinge or bumble or definitely not right are you on raya oh uh my listeners have uh listened to me bitch about raya for the last couple years what the fuck is wrong with raya well how long did it take for you to get on raya first of all let's be clear let's be clear nicole buyer I had to literally sell my kidney to get on Raya. Like, I had a meeting with an exec in LA last year,

or the year, no, 2019. And they were like, we want to work with you. What can we do? What can we do for you, London Hughes? What can we do to get your next project? And I went, well, you can get me on Raya because I've been on the waiting list for two years. It took me two years too.

I was on the waiting list for two years it took me two years too i was on the waiting list for two years i was like you get me on raya it's been two years the next day i get accepted really wow the power of hollywood the power of hollywood but i'm like it's it's not worth it no i have not i met one guy on there who was a dj slash waiter and he went down on me really well see that's nice you got something out of it but that was about it that's all i've gotten out of it and you have to pay for it as well it's just like i'm paying for this yeah but think about it this way you paid 30 dollars get your pussy ate and you probably got a drink out of it so that's nice i did get a drink

and i did get some tacos so honestly it paid for itself it really did it really did i'm so blessed we're so blessed nicole we're so blessed very blessed to live in an age where i can put money right into my phone imagine a man who's gonna be a sociopath but maybe eats my pussy and gives me a taco yeah it was a yeah i was very disappointing i went on Bumble for 24 hours and then deleted it because I just I was I'm like swiping and I'm like it's just beneath me it's so beneath me and the thing is Tiffany Haddish and Common made me believe made me believe because they did that Bumble advert and like they actually then went on a date and then they fell in love. And I was like, oh, I don't know if that was like, you know, set up for whatever reason or if it was real. But it got me.

And I was like, I can do this. I can do it. The only thing about Bumble for Black women specifically, I feel like, is the woman has to message first. Black women are already seen as aggressive so it's like just a hello is like wow she came up into my face and she said hello i mean i can we and it's like bitch you're on the app where a woman has to say something but like i do think that has a little bit of fucked upness to it i didn't even think of that it's so true i just thought of it right here right now well there we go have you been on are you on all the apps are you on yeah

i'm on ok cupid i'm on hinge i'm on bumble i'm on tinder i'm on a fat one called woo plus yeah it's just it's for like the men who love a fatty in their life oh my god buster i'm on one called happen uh which is like whoa nicole you i only know this whoa whoa i only know three of those things you literally what what do you mean what are all these other apps that i don't know about i'm on all of them and they're all filled with i don't want to say they're all filled with trash because i have met you know lovely people i've dated for you know seconds at a time but there's there's a lot of fucking dating apps girl oh mate it's sad and there's like niche ones i'm sure you could find like uh i want to go on j swipe j swipe i

was on j swipe uh in like the early days of dating apps like when i was still living in new york and i was like the only black girl on there and everyone was like get out of here you don't nobody said that but like i didn't get any hits nobody was like i came on j-swiped to find a nice black woman so nothing happened i do feel like black women obviously it's a scientific fact isn't it that black women are the least swiped right on dating apps black women and asian men so i do go into these things a bit skeptical that you know anyone would want to match with me and I think that's because of that that whole thing but then you just you're matching with guys and it's like no offense babe but I'm me I'm me and you're disgusting yeah like you're like you you sell cards in Winnetka. Like I'm just like, you're just a normal human.

I can't do it. I'm like, you're beneath me. And the thing is, I'm nice to them. And then they start acting like they're superior. And I'm like, no, hun. I'm superior. I'm the funny one. I fucking have the same problem and I've got normal

guys just rejecting you when you're rejected by someone who's like of caliber wherever it is in their field who's exceptional who's an exceptional person in their field you're like okay I got rejected by a rocket scientist alright cool I got rejected you know I got rejected by the

you know an artist a painter I got rejected by someone whose brain is absolutely insane and has made all this great art for the world when you get rejected by Doug from also where the fuck does the name Doug come from like

I hope he digs a lot and we'll have Doug a lot let's call him Doug where the fuck does the name Doug come from? Mate, Doug from the Valley, who works in, yeah, I don't know, he's a plumber. I don't know. It's just like, oh, I can't do this. And my self-esteem is already at a low because I'm on this app.

And then you get rejected by guys that are ultimately beneath you. And it's just like, oh. And then with Zoom dating, my friend told me the other day, she got stood up on a Zoom date. Oh, no. How low can you get? That's why I won't do Zoom dates. Because I'm like, you can't make it downstairs to your computer

to click on a link to say hello. She got up, she did her makeup. She said, I'm going to treat this like a real thing. And she put her dress on and she did her makeup and she came and sat by her laptop and just waited. Yeah, I can't think of a sadder thing. That's why I'm not doing it. I'm not doing Zoom dates. Let me tell you this woman who got stood up.

She's a boss bitch. This is the craziest thing. She's beautiful. She's talented. She's rich as fuck. She's high flying. And she's still that bit like lonely ass girl sitting there dressed up at a kitchen table. Who's been rejected by some guy in finance and don't

give a fuck and it's just like it's so sad it's so sad yeah so that is why I don't do online so okay have you been meeting people like out and about how are you what are you doing so I slept with my uber driver because he looked a bit like have you seen the film baby driver yes right there's that film about the guy okay it's quite recent it's about a little white guy who drives cars but he's deaf i think okay or he has tinnitus or something and he listens to music and he steals cars and jamie fox is in it it's a good movie okay there's actually no black women in it there's hardly any women in it but if you like your movies like that it's a great movie so I love my movies like that I don't need to see

myself represented nowhere no hell that's my dream I want to see every white person ever ever made in a movie that's it so yeah that movie's for me yeah it's for you you like those movies it's for you and basically there's a guy in it who is the baby driver and he's cute and my um uber driver looked a little bit like him so i was chatting to him and we were flirting and i just got to la this is like yeah february and um uh we just exchanged numbers and I'm like I'm going to this thing he dropped me off at the thing and I'm like but you can pick me up afterwards and then maybe we can hang out which he did he made sure he was in the area and so I I we he messaged me he picked me up he took me for ice cream did you sit in the front or the back? I sat in the front, and it felt weird. But then I was like, oh, look how my house things have changed.

Wow, what an upgrade to sit in the front seat. Lookie here, she's no longer the customer passenger. She's a passenger, and then a gon' be a fucker. Yes, the passenger to the fucking. But the thing is, we went for ice cream but then we went back to his house he lived in um silver lake and silver lake's a nice area and i get there and his place was so tiny like his his his wardrobe like for, his wardrobe was in his kitchen. Yeah, but did he at least have a bed frame?

He had no bed frame. Okay, all right. And I'm sure his work suits smelled like toast because it was just... I can deal with a wardrobe in the kitchen. I can deal with this tiny apartment. But it's like if you don't have a bed frame and clean sheets, if you don't have no sheets on the bed,

if you don't have a mattress protector, then I'm like... When I get in your bed, I want to hear a crunch and not Doritos. I want to hear the crunch of a mattress protector, you know? Because it means you understand what an investment is. That means you have a good mattress yes yes no he never had any do you know what i hate when they don't have

adequate pillows you know when it's just got the one flat pillow with no pillow cover just plain you bought it from the store and laid your head on it and it's just one and it's flat no oomph he had that so i'm like where am i gonna where am i like where's your head your head's here you're gonna fold it no what's happening you know you can get a pillow for a dollar no right so he had that no and went and sometimes i've been in a guy's house where they don't have a bedspread or duvet cover, or they just have a blanket. One guy just had a crochet. No, no, sir.

I'm so sorry. You can't move up out of your mother's house with one Afghan and call it a day. You got to go shopping at West Elm or Ikea. You can go to Ikea and get something very cheap. I'm like, okay, it's nice if you have money if you don't there's a way for you to live like a person yes get thee to a walmart and burbank you could you could do anything you just you know get some coupons like if you're gonna be fucking in your bed you gotta make sure that person's at least slightly comfortable in the

bed so they might return to the bed and this is why i don't understand they have giant tvs the tv's on deck you got surround sound but no sheets what's wrong with you where are your priorities what is going on it's like okay so you can watch the game but then you sleep on a brick i once slept with the dude who he slept with one pillow but his bed had like six pillows and i was like wait i can have all these pillows he's like yeah whatever i only really need the one and they had brown cases on them so i was, oh, do you fuck a lot of black girls? Because he was a lighter friend. He was a white friend. Oh, wow.

And he just looked at me and was like, what? And I was like, oh, I mean, for my black people makeup, it gets on pillowcases. Do you fuck a lot of black girls? I was like, I should just double down on this. And he was like, no, good night. And I was like i was like i should just double down on this and he was like no good night and i was like okay how do you bring up that conversation like because every time you match with someone i'm sure you're thinking like am i a fetish have you done this before there's not a right answer because if you've told me you've fucked loads of black girls before i'm starting

to think that like you just fuck black girls and then if you tell me you haven't fucked a black girl it's like am i uh like a journey into the dark yeah there's no way there's no right way to answer that question you know i will generally be like uh like if it's like say doja cat comes on the radio or something or like on a playlist i'll be like oh my god she's so pretty and i'm like yeah she's she's hot i'm like okay so like you like black women yeah yeah a darker friend if you will or they're just like yeah she's cool i'm like hmm maybe i'm the first i don't know and then honestly sometimes i feel like you could tell with the way they fuck like they know what to do with a fat ass in their face yes yes dudes who don't know what to do with a fat ass i'm like you've never been here well to be honest i don't have a i don't have a fat on really i haven't been

blessed with the behind oh no just the melanin it's just the melanin i've just i haven't got a white girl bum but i haven't got a i'm sorry i instagram all this this injection like i'm sorry because i feel like they think that's what women, black women are supposed to look like. The Kardashians have ruined it for black women with no bums because their bums aren't real. And then you've got like other black women whose bums were perfectly fine, but now they've got to add shit to it to make it look tad out.

So my, my bum's good. It's just not a tad out. So it's probably more tadal than you think it is my sister i think if i asked her it was like do you have a tadal bum she would be like no it's no tadal but i've seen my sister's butt and it is tadal it's small but it's perky and it's like it's like it's it's good okay cool i have a fat ass i have like i used to not let guys doggy me why because do you know what it is i don't know why but like powerful wise i just felt i didn't like it i

didn't like that like you don't even have to look at me like i'm just like i don't like that like if i'm having sex with you i want you to be looking at me in my face and I want to be on top and like I'm just dominating you and I'm like yeah take it take it take it and then like when you're doing doggy I just felt for a long time I just felt like I don't really enjoy this because it it feels degraded now I've grown up and I like it but I remember there was like my mid-20s I kind of just there's men out there that have not doggied London Hughes and uh probably wondering why I didn't let them doggy but yeah because well 2021 you can doggy London I like doggy uh for me doggy style is I think powerful because you can't look me in the face unless I like really do some gymnastics and twist

and turn around but i don't let them control the stroke i control the stroke i slam my ass into them i'm like i go ba-boom ba-boom ba-boom and then you just kind of inch forward so they're like i want it i want it i want it then you slam back onto it i'm getting turned on yeah and it's a very nice and then like i do have like a really big ass you do like there's there's like kind of a handle because yeah but when they hold on to it so you can hold on to the ledge yeah but then you kind of fight against it and then give in and then honestly some men don't know what to do and they lose their minds. Honestly, I'm strictly dickly, but a big ass, I wouldn't know what to do. I mean, that's hot.

What you just described to me was hot as fuck. Thank you. I don't have that ability. But I can suck some good dick. Do you know what I mean? So that's my thing. I do love sucking a dick. I know. But I think girls that like sucking d I do love sucking a dick I know but I think girls that like sucking dicks we like it because we're good at it when people are like I don't like

sucking dick it's like because you're shit you're fucking shit that's why you don't like it if you were good at it honey you would enjoy yourself but you're shit because like I like to look up at somebody being like you are turning me on. You are doing, you are doing, you are literally controlling this for me. And I can stop it anytime I want. And have a whole conversation with you until you get frustrated with me. And you press my head back on.

And then I go, no, thank you. I'd like to say something else. Yeah. This is the thing. If the men put their hands on my head, they don't get the head like

that that's my thing and i'm like you fucked up yeah you fucked up because you went and pushed my head down and now you're not getting it you were patient you would have got it but you fucked up that happens a lot with guys actually they get so impatient and i hate that well because they they're like oh i'm in control of this and it's like no sir no this is my mouth my choice exactly I'm truly in control you weirdo but the thing is I've literally I feel like I'm very dominant in the bedroom because of all those things I think I have masculine sexual energy because I'll be sleeping with guys and like well after he's coming,

wants to go bed. And I'm like, are you crazy? We're going again. I'm again. I am like that too. And I discovered, I think it's cause I like, I like penetration.

I'm a penetration gal. Some people like the floor foreplay more, but I'm just like, Ooh, I get it in. So like, you got to do like a little like duck build not like a full fisting but like a duck bill and then like you know kind of the come hither yeah that is nice and that is like they kind of like it's like one orgasm via penetration we can keep doing other stuff and then when we fuck fuck i'm like okay if he can't go again yeah but i do love coming and then

laying and being like teehee won that nice let's talk about whatever and then like wait like 20 30 minutes and then be like again exactly but then you'll wait and get. And I'm like, that's disrespectful. That's not what I came here for. Yeah. That's not what I came here for. You ain't got no sheets. You ain't got no sheets. You're just shivering being like, I'd like more sex, please.

I'm out here on one pillow, on the corner of your pillow with no sheets. I only want to fuck you again because I don't have a blanket and I'm going to use your body. You have such a great joke in your special where you're like, my single friends are like, just go to the club and find somebody. And it's like, that's it's easier to find a black girl in a Judd Apatow movie. When I tell you I tee hee heed, sent i was like yes and not to talk shit about judd apatow but it's like you've made so many movies my friend so many and so many not one like there's no black women no i like truly cannot and i'm sure somebody will tweet at me and be like no no there was a store clerk who said hello because people love to say shit like that and you're like well that's not what i fucking meant

no there's not one i literally had a thing of like i want to be the first black girl in a jada to tell anything like a commercial give me a commercial give me i'll be in his building i'll go to his build where'd he live i just like what he wakes up he's like there's a black woman here i thought they were imaginary no one's ever told me they were real i don't understand what but literally because since i've done it since i've done that special hopefully he's seen it and hopefully he puts some black girls in some stuff. Jesus is looking grim out there for him. Woo, Mr. Apatow. Woo, ciao. Mr. Judge Apatow.

When did you go to Edinburgh? So 2019. Oh, okay. So this is fresh. It's fresh. Yeah. I wrote To Catch a Dick in July 2019 and performed at the festival in Edinburgh in August

for the whole month. Have you done Edinburgh Festival before? No, but it's a great way to get an hour, right? Because you... You should, you would kill it. Basically, imagine the whole town of Edinburgh shuts down and turns into like performance space. And you can literally see comedy anywhere on the bus,

on the street, a restaurant, coffee shop, in actual venues, like everything turns into a stage. And every day for a month, there's like shows on every second of the day. There's something for everyone.

You can see naked comedy. I've seen a guy do stand up ass naked. I've seen weird Star Wars comedy. I've seen a guy just like not sleep naked I've seen weird Star Wars comedy I've seen a guy just like not sleep for days and just tell joke after joke after joke after joke until he passed out I've seen drunk comedy I've seen this like it's something for everyone and like comedians go over I know Hannibal Buress went over and killed it out there and um I genuinely think like as a comedian to just own your craft, you have to perform every day.

So you're doing it every day for a month to strangers. And I performed to catch a dick in a tiny room that used to be like a human resources office for a university. They changed it into a stage, 50 people in the audience every day. And my test to myself was to add a new joke every day. And so I added a new joke every day and so holy shit i added a new joke some of the jokes you see in the special are ad libs that i did in edinburgh that worked really well and i was like i'm using that and then by the end of the month your show is like the best version it could ever be but then you're also being judged so at the

end of the month uh critics have gone around it's like over like a thousand shows and critics go around and at the end of it seven or eight shows get nominated for best show and the type of show that was nominated for this type of thing in the past would be like monty python like it's like british hist comedy history and so yeah i get i became the first black woman to be nominated for best show i didn't win they gave it to a white guy but i got nominated it's nice to be fun it's nice to be fun no i mean that sounds like a fucking dream because i haven't done my hour next month will be a year since i've done my full hour wow and that feels fucking insane i'm like I don't know the jokes anymore like I've yeah I of course I I have my notebook but like I don't know the rhythm

I don't know I don't know the audiences anymore no one knows well that's how I felt because I I so I did the the Edinburgh in August then came to LA in September then like got you performed it in LA got loads of buzz around it and then in January I went back to London did it in London toured it a bit and then that's when Netflix came calling was like okay Kevin Hart wants to meet you we want the show Kevin Hart wants to produce it so I flew out to LA in February thinking that we were going to film the special in March but then COVID happened and eight months I had to wait to see if I could film this special and in that eight months

a lot of shit went down I'm like yeah I mean it's fucking wild that's a wild fucking timeline after George Floyd died I said am I even funny what is laughter girl I had the same fucking thought That's a wild fucking timeline. After George Floyd died, I said, am I even funny?

What is laughter? Girl, I had the same fucking thought. I, for like a month and a half, was like just sad and was like, I don't know when funny will happen. When will funny happen again? Yeah, it was a fucking trip, dude. Trip. Listen, hun, I'm going to be real honest with you i'm british so obviously when this type of stuff happens in america as a black british person we care and cry for our

cousins in america we're like you know what this is insane i can't believe this is happening i've been on protests in um the uk for police brutality and the hands at the hands of the police in the US. So I was on a protest for Philando Castile and there's thousands of us being like, this guy was murdered by the US police and we're chanting it in the streets of London. I remember one point we were like going, hands up, don't shoot, hands up, don't shoot. And the police in the UK don't have guns.

So they were like, we won't. The reason why I laugh, because somebody will fucking tweet at me to be like how insensitive but like it is very funny to me in like fully fucking wild that people in other countries are protesting america's police brutality against black and brown people and y'all to a bunch of people in uniforms with no guns we're going hands up don't shoot and I'm sure all of them were like what we could ain't we don't have guns that was a terrible English accent and I would apologize but I'm gonna own it baby own it own it but yeah no it was that and I've been sad for America from the comfort of Britain

this is the first time I've actually been in America when shit like this popped off and it popped the fuck off and I was like okay this is what it feels like to be an African-American because I'm black I'm here and this is going down and like, I can cry about it. But also when I leave the house, it could happen to me. And that's the one thing in Britain. I never, you know, I was sad and I protested, but you know, I knew that I'm not going to get shot by the police in London because the police don't have guns. But here I'm like, oh my God, this is a very real, real situation. So that hit me. me and i was like why am i in this country i remember just thinking like i'm sitting here

they ain't got no i just in britain we have free health care so i'm like there's no free health care i can't film my special we're in a global pandemic and a race war. Should I go home? Like, it was a lot to unpack. It's so much to fucking unpack. Honestly, I got to say, Family Feud did not prepare us for the race war. It's not as cute. It's not as fun. And the thing is, I went on protest over here. So I went to protest in LA and it ended.

It was so nice in the beginning, really peaceful. White people were giving out water. I was like, this is great. Like this is what I wanted it to be. The community came together and then the police showed up, started tear gassing people, started firing rubber bullets into the crowd. I saw a guy that got hit with a rubber bullet.

Next thing I know, police cars are on fire. And I'm like, America, this is ghetto ghetto this is fucking ghetto america this is ridiculous yes and the thing is the police made it that way like i'm look hey listen i know police jobs are hard but we were having a peaceful protest and then they kicked off next thing i know army's coming in my phone's beeping saying nationwide curfew stay in your house stay and i'm like ah i just wanted to make a comedy special you're like i fucking literally just came here to tee hee hee and now i'm gonna be like get shot it is truly wild over here and it's so funny to hear it from the perspective of someone who's like i truly just

came to work and y'all are making it hard to work here very hard i just didn't want to i just came to make people laugh and look cute and now i'm here in a race war and you ain't got no free health care i ain't got no dick we're in a we're in pandemic and then there was like a california wildfires so ash was falling from the sky and I'm asthmatic. And the way that's set up is I left my house one day and I said, why, why, why is that? What is this? And it was ash and the wind smelled like burning. And I was like, this is, this is a fun place to be.

This is hell. This is hell. It's hell. I had a black British Uber driver once or Lyft driver or whatever. And we like got into talking and she was like, yeah, I really feel for black Americans because people will overtly be rude to me till they hear me speak. And they go, oh, you have an English accent. Suddenly you're elevated above just a regular ass black person from america it's so sad that i've seen it like i've got an african-american

friend and me and her do it all the time like if she goes to a restaurant to see if that back when restaurants were open she would go to a restaurant and be like hey have you got a table for two and they'd be like no sorry and then like five minutes later i'd be like hello there um uh table for two and they'd be like yes ma'am right away and it's like are you fucking kidding me like are you kidding me i've never had privilege before in my life as a black person in britain this voice does not do nothing for me but for the first time like bitch you just like us but listen for the first time i've actually experienced what it feels to have some form of like privilege in terms of i feel white today i'm like this is how white people feel i have a a white sounding voice so that gives me privilege

in america wait what do you yeah you do yes a british accent is culturally culturally white sounding white sounding that's so crazy is there a black british accent uh no no no but it's just like can you tell when a black when american person speaking on the phone can you tell when they're black or white sometimes it's kind of the same in the uk like i can I can pretty much tell that that's a black person talking but it's not an accent there's no actual one black British accent but the thing is every black Brit's from a different part of the world so like I'm born in the UK but my mum was born in Jamaica so I have when I get angry or when I get like hyper I can hit like a Caribbean tinge like in my in my tone but then I have like for example uh I don't know like Michaela Cole for example she's African descent so she would have a different kind of because her parents were born in Ghana I think so she would have a

different kind of sound to her voice but to to an American we both sound the same but she's culturally black British African I'm culturally black British Jamaican so like yeah it's just that kind of thing but we all black yeah I feel so weird I feel like African Americans do someone started this thing where it was like African Americans versus black Brits I think it was samuel jackson i think he spoke about daniel yes yeah he was upset because he was like uh i think it was specifically about uh judas and the black messiah no it was get out it was before we get out okay let's get out yeah he was like why is a british black person telling an african-american story yeah and i mean i see it it's i see i see why how do you feel about that so i like see it from both angles like yeah i in one way sympathize

because it's like why are we getting passed up to play our own history when so few roles are available to us but then also i'm like we're all kind of in this together as black people so i don't really see a problem with it as long as like the most talented person gets the job i thought it was kind of like a wild statement to say i think i thought it was maybe an indoor thought around some wine and friends in the group chat talk about that with the friends in the group chat before you put it out in the world yeah i find that it's hard for me because obviously I'm British and I'm here and I'm thriving but everything so I'm talking I'm talking from talking from a different angle but everything I do I'm British in like that's the thing I'm like listen people come over here and put on an American

accent all the time what they don't do is just come over here and just like be British so I'm just gonna be British that's my thing um but as a kid growing up like I felt African-American because in Britain yeah there's only in the 90s there was only like four TV channels every TV came with four TV channels and none of them had black people on them and then cable my mum got cable and that's when I saw black people on tv because they were african-american so the first black woman I saw on tv was Aunt Viv the original Aunt Viv from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air so like Janet Hubert and I was like this is this is black people this is blackness to me and so I probably watched the same tv shows as you did growing up with black people in them

and so by the time I was like an adult I'd had so much African-American culture instilled in me with what I watched why the music I listened to the the queens the icons like the Beyonce's to the Oprah's they're all American so for me I'm like I know I'm not American because I'm British but I'm like listen we grew up on you lot stuff so that so well that we can do your accent to a tee because we grew up watching your shit listening to your music wearing I was wearing Sean John and rocker wear and juicy pants I was very much involved immersed in the culture but I was just in Britain and my story is not unique. So I feel like when we come over here, we think,

hey, we're family. And then you lot are like, we don't know you. We're like, uh-uh. No. We didn't grow up on your shit. We don't know you, honey. Uh-uh.

Nah-uh. No, sweetie. Yeah, I think it's just the more the merrier for me now. We all, and also white people white americans do british people all the time like all the time yeah also cool runnings america if you watch the movie cool runnings they are americans doing very bad jamaican accents but we were happy we were happy with it no one really

I don't remember anyone complaining being like hey what are they doing I was just happy to see black people on TV even though they were butchering my mother's language like yeah I think representation at any like whether it's

like representation matters and I think it's good and it's like once you have a little bit of the representation then we can evolve into like having actual jamaicans play jamaicans but it's like i feel like we either get tyler perry or like black trauma movies and i'm like give me some like black indies where they're just like oh we're in love and we're gonna sing sing a song like that Zendaya movie. I'm really excited to watch because I'm like, I feel like it's just two black people just being black,

just being black and not having to carry trauma. But then again, I don't, I don't, I haven't seen it either, but I had nothing happens in it. That's what Twitter was saying. Guess what?

White people get to make a ton of movies every year where nothing happens marriage story shitting out i'm sorry but marriage story was the most mediocre white caucasian mess i said if this same script same script was acted by black people same don't change anything just Just replace Adam Driver with, who, I don't even know who you could replace Adam Driver with, but just replace the lead character with two black people and keep it all black. No one would care.

This is how I can judge mediocrity. I'm like, if you take these white people out, keep the scripts, replace the actors with black actors, would it get Oscar nominations? Would it get? No, it wouldn't. Probably not. But I would love to watch a movie about nothing with black people. Yeah, that's true. Because why not? Like, white people get to do it. Like, Lady Bird wasn't about nothing. Oh, it wasn't about nothing.

I mean, people loved it for me. was not for i'm not gonna say it it just wasn't for me yeah but like have you have you seen 40 year old version yes loved it that wasn't nominated for like a golden globe or nothing and i was or maybe it was i don't hold on mars can you look that up for me sure thank you it might have been for like sound effects or or like not for acting though that was so good i don't think so but it was so fucking wonderful yeah and i was like why aren't more people talking about this this is a movie where a ton of shit happens it's a long movie and you don't feel the length no and i believe her name is rata, Radha Blank is incredible. She's so good.

Fucking, it's like exhausting how good she is in the movie. It's so fucking good. Yeah. This is the thing. I genuinely think that black people have to be exceptional. Like we're not allowed to be mediocre in anything. And I just, yeah, you're right. We should be allowed to have movies where nothing happens.

There's no slavery. There's no pre-slavery, post-slavery. We should be allowed to have movies where nothing happens. There's no slavery. There's no pre-slavery, post-slavery. Slavery's not about to happen. There's not about to be a slave once upon a slave. No slaves. They don't want to help. Don't want to do no help. Don't want to sit.

Don't want to ask for help. Don't want to save the day either. Don't want a black savior. Don't want to be a mammy. Don't want to be a grandma that knows it all. Don't want to be the black best friend that goes, girl, you need need to get over him and you need to go out and fix your life together like jennifer hudson in a sex in the city movie helping carrie's character just come out of nowhere helping carrie's character just get back to her flawless self those are my favorite scripts to read to be like so this woman has no life no she lives for this nice white lady to

thrive but she she goes home and she looks at her wall every day because she ain't got nothing else going on the 40 year old version was not nominated for any golden globe i think it's so wild that it wasn't nominated i it was mars you should watch it um it's a it's a perfect movie it's so good i loved it so much the thing is i genuinely think that i wait before you get into that thought we have to take a break oh look at that and we're back okay what were you gonna say i think that because we've grown up just being as black people we've grown up just being happy to see black people on tv that now we've gone past that it's 2021 and we're just like you know what i just don't want to just see us on tv now i want to see us doing a myriad of things a smorgasbord of shit doing everything and so my stuff that i'm doing is that's what i want to change i in britain it's

terrible in america and cool you lot are way ahead of us in the uk which is depressing to think about trust me you lot are super advanced compared to truly depressing to be like this is this is good and yeah america is thriving in terms of representation compared to Britain. Like, it's so sad. It's so sad. And I kind of feel like struggle and Black people just, for some reason, go hand in hand in TV and film. And I'm just like, I don't want to see it.

To the point where I don't watch those shows. Like, I don't, I have never watched The Wire. Maybe I shouldn't. I've never seen it. I've never, I don't watch it. I've never watched Power. I have never watched the wire maybe I should have I've never seen it I've never I don't watch it I've never watched power I've never watched empire I liked empire and then I saw a gun someone got shot I said oh why can't it just spin about the music what about the music like I literally was like stop shooting us in tv and film, please. Yeah. Yeah. That would be nice.

Yeah. I'm over it. Just to change speed a little. Also, in your special, you talked about how male comics can get any old pussy they want. Any old sexual encounter that they want. person they want do you do you have any chuckle fuckers like after shows do you have dudes who hit on you i'm sorry chuckle fuckers that is hilarious is that what they're called is that a new term yes i didn't coin it uh no just tell me you did fuck it you coined it you said it you coined it Nicole coined

chuckle buckets and that is drag queens they're called clown chasers oh my god I think Bendelacrim said that to me and it made me laugh so hard but yeah chuckle fuckers do you have any dudes like after shows who are like London yo let me get up in that i could change like this is the thing i come off stage and like men's penis just shrink inside this girl would ruin me and she's funnier than me and i'm intimidated and their penis is going no i don't to be fair like you know i can I can catch a dick. Like, my roster of men is quite, it's not about the quantity. It's about the quality. And the quality of men that I've been between my thighs, very high. But the problem is, they never saw me do stand-up.

That was just my personality. If they saw me do stand-up, it probably wouldn't have, I'd fuck them despite the fact that i'm i'm a comedian like it's crazy i just i i put that joke in because i always see the most mediocre average funny men with these stunning amazing insane women like insane women and you never see it the other way around you never see it like you like no female comic is dating a fucking stunner where you go how did that happen no one i know i truly just want i think a real treat would be like meeting a dude

who maybe was not familiar with my material. We start dating. He sees me perform and goes, wow, I love her even more. Yes! That is a dream, Nicole! Just, wow, she's so loud. Wow. She's talking about digging around in her pussy looking for loose change.

And I like that. Whereas girls will watch like Chris Dris delia or whoever the fuck whoever the fuck and they go yeah that's what i want i want him and it's just like are you kidding me are you kidding me full offense to chris delia i've never met the man i don't know him i don't know him him. But I'm just like, I'm just like how the bar is so low for men in comedy to get hot girls. But it doesn't work the other way around. And like I say in my special, my date in history is like a who's who of Uber drivers because I literally fucked my Uber driver.

So it's just like, what is this? How many Uber drivers have you fucked? Only one. I know you won in LA. I wouldn't fuck an Uber driver in the UK because Uber drivers have you fucked? Only one. I know you won in LA. I wouldn't fuck an Uber driver in the UK because they are not as hot as the ones in LA. They're not as hot as the ones in LA. Gotcha be it.

I've hooked- How many have you fucked? I've only fucked one cab driver, been fingered by another cab driver. Whilst in the cab? Yeah, he just like reached behind as I ate a fucking chicken, McChicken sandwich from McDonald's.

You're a liar! Why are we not married? I haven't thought about that story in such a long time. He like pulled up to my apartment and then I can't remember, this was like 10, 15 years ago. I can't remember what he said,

but I was like, yeah, you can. And then I just was like 10 15 years ago okay I can't remember what he said but I was like yeah you can and then I just was like eating my mcchicken as he was like I mean it was hard for him to like get back there but it was like uh it wasn't a like a yellow cab it was uh one of those gypsy cabs right I don't know if I'm allowed to say gypsy cab anymore I feel like that you probably can't say I yeah please don't cancel me I just realized it now i'm sorry i've never a black car so it was like before the days of uber and whatnot and uh washington heights that's what picks you up or whatever and uh yeah and then uh when when i was done any talking or did he just reach no no we talked we talked first like there was a little he was like you're pretty and i was

like thank you hammereded. Just like drunk. And then the third one was out here. But we didn't fuck. We just smoked weed, hooked up. I watched him DJ for a little bit. And then I just got too high and was like, I can't be here. Watching my Uber driver DJ. Oh my God.

Hoping he takes me home. Oh my God. No, look, honestly, we shouldn't have these stories because i mean i'm gonna have more when the world opens up and i cannot fucking wait listen oh i'm gonna be a real slut i do i'm gonna fucking like blast my pussy out it's gonna be like all bendy and used up by the end of next year i can't wait men are gonna see it and say oh god were trains being run on you and i'm gonna say yes multiple days a week the train came through the station 24 hours

look i genuinely think it's good for people like us because we clearly lived a full life before the pandemic yes I have friends and family members that have only slept with two people their whole lives one of them's their husband and I'm like ill ill ill and then they go into this pandemic with the love of their life in quotation marks and they realize that like you ain't been anywhere else and this could be it the world could end and your pussies only had that and that's why i'm so grateful that i had a full marathon of dick before the the pandemic because now she's in rehab she's just you know thinking about her life yes thinking about her options she's you know it was weird for the first couple

months when my period just kept coming and there was no like scare i was just like oh i know i'm not pregnant yeah my pussy's been at a silent retreat where sometimes a jackhammer comes through and that's my pharah gun she's been using a pharah gun on her pussy oh my god yeah it's just i like think about the zombie apocalypse a lot and i'm'm like, OK, I'm in like a good situation because say you're with somebody that you love dearly and the apocalypse comes and they're not good at survival. You have to drag their dead weight around because you love them. I'm single. I'm on my own until I find a hot other single renegade man who's also good at surviving. And then we fuck,

but there's no real commitment because the world is ending. The world's gonna end. Oh my God, that's a movie. That's a black movie. Oh my God. That's the black movie that we want. That's what we want, Nicole.

Oh my God. Should we write a movie about two sluts at the end of the world? Yes, we should. That's the best idea for a movie i've had in such a long time okay hello listeners don't you fucking dare steal that idea i think it's a perfect idea two slots at the end of the world yeah sleeping with oh my god imagine like you sleep with a dude and then like you think he's coming but he's just been bitten and he turns into a zombie while he's still inside you yes that's a scene we just wrote a scene of this movie

honestly like i'm really excited about it now and and i might truly text my manager and be like all right i know i've had a lot of weird ideas but like but what about this sluts during a zombie apocalypse and the movie's just called sluts and yeah yeah yeah a pocket slot and like you know how like in superhero movies they have the girls and these like teeny tiny things like Like Wonder Woman's not fighting crime in the skirt and heels. But like, we are like, we have to look slutty for the end of the world. Well, no, because we probably, the end of the world happened like at the end of the night. We just left the club.

Yes. And we were going to catch some dick that night, but then the world ended. Yes. But we're like, well, if this is our last opportunity to catch some dick, then we really need to catch some dick. So we're out here and everyone's like packing up and barricading their homes. And we're like, well, where was that guy?

Where was, where was, and then we, we like go steal sneakers from a store. Cause you're like, what if my feet start hurting? And it's like, we'll just wear the sneakers.

And it's like, but that ruins my outfit. Exactly. I'm very much here for this. I'm totally here for the end of the world slut movie. I'm totally here for it. See, this is the thing. I knew we would get on.

And my followers are so right. They're just like, you and Nicole White are. We get on so well. And I'm like. I mean, the people were right. They were so right. But I was all the way in the UK. So I was like, she's never going to gonna notice me I'm 5,000 miles away no I noticed you because you it was like

announced that you're hosting a show with Fortune Feimster right yeah yes and I love Fortune so much so she had posted about it and I was like oh who's this London Hughes so then I looked you up and I was like oh my god she's like really fucking funny and then you got booked on this and i was so excited because i like to do just the smallest bit of research before i talk to somebody so i watched i didn't finish your special because i didn't have time because she woke up late it's okay it's okay but i was like god damn you are like you remind me of me because you are a bundle of fucking energy and as i watched you i was like man she must feel real good right now but she gonna be so tired after this so tired so tired oh my god you haven't reached the end of the special but at the end i

fall on the floor i drop the mic and fall back i fucking love it i'm dead and you know when you do specials you have to do it twice back to back and they edit into one long thing so i had done it twice and i was dead and i was like good night oh i just fell back and i did not move it wasn't i was dead i mean when i do a weekend of shows the first show i'm like exhausted and then i go all right let's do the meet and greet you do the meet and greet you get even more tuckered out because you have to give them a little bit more of you and then you're like alright let's fucking

have a cocktail and get ready for the second show I once did four shows in a night and by the fourth show in the middle of the show I went have you all heard this before what I just said did you do this last joke did I wait and they were like no this is all

new and i was like thank you this is my fourth show we're all on a journey if you hear and then i like nominated a lady in the front row so you hear something again say you said that just just like just you let me know you let me know okay come on me yeah we're on a journey it's live comedy if i start going in a circle it's not because i'm having a like a an emergency oh my god just tell me mate that's killer oh don't you miss the days when we could just do stand up yes yes yes but i have i did do a couple outdoor shows last year and i have one coming up next month great well this will be out in april so i would have done it last month we won't tell the people when we've recorded yes yes it's all good but hey the funny thing is i've

actually met you i met you at at the improv no i met you at comedy central's emmy party in 2019 and you were at the bar with your friend from who's in snl so she was attached at the hip you were together and i was like that's a good way i'm gonna go say hello because i wanted to be my friend. And I said, hi, Nicole. I'm London. I'm new here. But I think you're great. And you were like, thank you, girl. Oh, you're so cute.

And I was like, thanks. Okay, bye. You could have talked to me for longer. I think at that point. I feel like you were just chatting with your friend and i was just like i'm just weird you obviously you won't remember but i was like i was fucked up yes you were drunk though i was very aware you were by the bar and you looked amazing and i just knew you wouldn't remember me or this conversation but i just

i'm the type of person if i see someone i respect them and i see them in real life i't, it seems fake to me to not say something, even though they don't give a shit, but I was like, she don't want to care, but I want to tell her that I think she's awesome, so I told you you're awesome, and you said, thank you, girl, thank you, you're so cute, and then I was like, thanks. I wish I was not blacked out, so I could remember that. not blacked out so I could remember that. I was just so happy that they had these schmores, a s'more maker, and I've never had a s'mores before.

Oh, that's definitely an American thing, right? S'mores. Yeah, yeah. So I was like, oh my God, they make s'mores here for you. And so I was just eating all the s'mores. And I was just drinking and eating all the s'mores and being like, it was my first ever Emmy party. So I was like, I'm at an Emmy party for comedy being like, that was my first ever Emmy party. So I was like, I'm at an Emmy party for comedy.

I think that was my first ever Emmy party as well. I didn't realize that you like, I knew you like go to things to get photographed, but that was like the first thing that I was like, I don't know if I want to go to an Emmy party. It seems so weird. And it's not like I have like imposter syndrome, but I truly just feel like sometimes I'm like nobody

wants to fucking talk to me why am I doing this I'm gonna get my makeup done I go to a party I have to ask the person if I'm on a list what if they say you're not what if they say you stupid bitch go back home hey then it would just be so sad I had I got papped for the first time there at that party and like what you know when you stand there and you're like they're not gonna know who I am they're like London London Nicole and you're like oh wow you too like oh the Getty carpet yeah I love getting my Getty I love that I love I love when they're like oh okay give us that side Nicole I'm like you want this side I was so yeah that was one of the best nights I've ever had and I just kept seeing so many badass women I went up to Quinta Brunson as well I was like Quinta I think you're great like I was just that girl I was just going up to any black woman I knew who I thought

was funny and just telling them that I thought they were funny I mean you're doing the Lord's work because I feel like there could be more of a camaraderie between black women. And I'll be fully transparent. Earlier in my career, 10 years ago, I would not have said that. I would have said there is only room for one black girl at the table. That's all the room they made for us. So we have to fight to be at the table. But now i'm like oh we got to create our own fucking tables our own rooms and there is room for everybody and if i

didn't get this i'll get the other thing and i'm glad they went with a black girl as opposed to going with another white girl so like whenever i auditioned for something and it goes to a black girl i'm like yes bitch good right good i'm glad you got it one of fucking got it. And I'm so glad I arrived at that moment. It takes time because the industry will make you feel like it is just what, it's not your fault. And it's a journey that I'm sure many Black women, even in the UK I've been on, and it does, they do make you feel like it is them or me because it's only one slot. So I totally get that.

And also being British and coming over here i'm hyper aware that you know black women might look at me sideways like who's this british bitch that's come out of nowhere yeah she's got this netflix special with kevin hart she's got this movie with will packer she got this on netflix this on netflix and it's like i that because of that i'm aware of that i'm that girl that's like hi i'm lovden so you like overcompensate for your success which is not but like people shouldn't have to overcompensate for success because it's like it happened for you at this point in your life yes for somebody else it will happen for them maybe later in their life well maybe tomorrow just like you you gotta be like stay in your lane look at your own

paper yeah well i've been doing comedy for 12 years so even though like you know to america i'm just this shit that turned up out of nowhere like i've been doing comedy like only comedy for 12 years in the uk and doing comedy in the uk ain't easy. You walk on stage, you're a black woman in a white, you drive to areas and you perform into like 80 white dudes and you're a black woman. You walk on stage, they think you're a singer. They think it's the intermission. They get up and leave.

They get up and leave. They're just like, all right, mate, yeah, get a drink. Sit, let's go to sit. Tina Turner's on the like this is how it is like it's not it's not easy and that's where I started

I'm like I wish I had places like you guys have where you can go and be a black woman and it'll be an all black female comedy night

and there'll be a full audience there that don't happen in Britain all black female I've never been on a bill with another black woman in the UK. Like, let alone, let alone a woman. When I first started, it would be, like, one woman per show. And then it'd be like, ooh, one woman and then Nicole.

She's our black girl for the night. And you're like, goddamn. And then someone did approach me to perform at this other place where you have to, like, hang out or get passed or whatever. And she was like, I think I could, like, approach me to perform at this other place where you have to like hang out or get past or whatever. And she was like, I think I could get you to perform because they're looking for more diversity. And I was like, the fact that you as like an acquaintance said those words out loud to me really makes it diminishes the fact that I'm funny and that I could do it on my own. But also like the fact that that's internally what they're saying to other comics is so fucking shitty so it's it's it's this is the thing it's hard so i guess i just yeah i i know how hard it

is for black women and i admire any black woman that's made it to any standard of anywhere in any industry i'm like oh my god i'm obsessed because i know how hard it was for me it must have been fucking killer for you so when i see you i'm gonna give you your flowers i'm gonna show you that i respect you and i'm gonna be like hey well done if no one's telling you this well fucking done because it's hard out here so yeah yeah the comedy central emmy party was just trying to get i gave you your flowers flowers. We don't remember it, but I gave everybody their flowers. Cause I'm like, you're too drunk to remember.

But I, yeah, I'm like, I'm going to give everyone their flowers. Thank you. At the Emmy. It was like after the Emmys last year, Viola Davis was like chowing down on a hamburger.

And I was like, excuse me. I just want to say that you're really incredible. I really enjoy your work and you're very inspirational. And she was like, thank you. And I was like excuse me I just want to say that you're really incredible and I really enjoy your work and you're very inspirational and she was like thank you and I was like oh I love that even the thank you was in a viola like your voice is so powerful and then I saw her on a plane and I wanted to be like viola remember me from many and I was like leave her the fuck alone how crazy is it because you're like will that person remember me from that

moment that changed my life absolutely not no no london we're coming towards the end i could talk to you for 10 more hours the bitch gave some shit to do but i i asked all my guests this would you date me oh my god in a heartbeat especially if you bent over and brought that ass back and then pulled it away then oh fucking hell No I would I can't believe we talked about that

in the first 10 minutes of this program Truly so wild that we were just like yaha I did another episode with Vicky Vox. We did it at drag con where like, I was like, welcome to why won't you date me? And we were like,

like just almost immediately. And we didn't realize that there was kids in the crowd. And then like, we just saw like parents quietly stand up and usher their children out. And I was like, Oh, you know, you gotta let them know what they're in for.

Oh my God. It's true. Well, do you know, you gotta let them know what they're in for. Oh my God, it's true. Well, do you have anything you want to promote? Um, I want to promote you. No. Um,

I'm going to call back. She's a queen. I want to promote, I guess my special, watch my special to catch a dick on Netflix. You can watch, um, me hosting,

co-hosting the Netflix after party every week on Netflix with fortune theme stone David Spade and then you can also see me on history of swear words which is a show on Netflix hosted by Nicolas Cage but your girl makes some funny funny appearances and um yeah I've got some stuff coming up coming I've got a movie coming out. My podcast, London. And actually, basically, look out for London. Yes. She's going to be here. She's taking over. So yeah.

I just heard that song, London Calling. You loser. Oh, Nicole. Nicole. To be fair, I said it and immediately put my head down. Okay, yeah. See, just when I thought you were cool,

like you, you just showed how cheesy you really fucking are. And I love you for it. But yeah, I mean, that was an original joke that no one's ever made to you. And I'm really proud of it. No one ever made it.

No one. I'm really proud of myself. You should be. So original. Well, that's it. That's the end of this episode if you like this episode of why won't you date me you can like it you can rate it you can subscribe on apple podcasts if you write me something nasty hitting on me i will uh read it this is kind of long but this

person said it's dusk and there's a blood mood in october after hitting it off at a halloween party you follow me back to my place where you suck my dick and queef at the same time. Okay. We both hilariously wore Renaissance costumes. Half of them are still on at this point. You tear and ball the rest of the costume material into a makeshift fabric, butt beads,

before slowly inserting the malformed shapes into my ass. You pour melted chocolate from the candy bowl that sat too near the fireplace down my ass as the original anal beads enter i come and you squirt putting out the fires with combined force you spend the rest of the evening slowly removing the chocolatey beads and slapping me in the face kindly gotta say that was rather involved and uh pretty wild so thank you for that one i think you need to nap i don't even know what the fuck i i just like my whole laptop needs a reboot after that i need to well it's not as bad as one i got maybe two years ago where they said they wanted to stand me upside down and pour clam chowder in my pussy.

I will talk about that message till the day I die because it was so wildly disturbing to read. Oh, my God. I truly was like, ooh, clams in my puss? I don't know. It really made me upset. That's it. Bye-bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me is produced

and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotaroff, and Jeff Ross thanks for listening I love you thank you so much we'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode what a dream what a dream

this has been a Team Coco production