Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Spanking (w/ Sapphira Cristál)

Episode Date: March 6, 2026

Drag queen Sapphira Cristál (Drag Race S16) joins Nicole for an educational chat about being a dom, impact play, and the 12-hour prep cycle for bottoming - including how to douche properly and the secret medication trick for staying clean through the night.Sapphira tells the story of how she met her partner through an Instagram gym thirst trap originally meant for another drag queen, and the time she gave a blowjob so good that a man wrote a song about it.See Sapphira on tour! Get tickets at seesapphira.comTake our listener survey and shape the future of the podcast!Support this podcast and get discounts by checking out our sponsors:» Cozy Earth: Discover how care in every detail transforms simple routines into moments of true comfort and ease. Head to cozyearth.com and use my code DATEME for up to 20% off. And if you get a Post-Purchase Survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here!» HelloFresh: Go to HelloFresh.com/dateme10fm to Get 10 free meals + a FREE Zwilling Knife (a $144.99 value) on your third box. *Offer valid while supplies last. Free meals applied as discount on first box, new subscribers only, varies by plan.» Equip: Learn more about Equip’s virtual eating disorder treatment at equip.health/dateme» Planned Parenthood: Donate to support Planned Parenthood now at plannedparenthood.org/defend.» NOCD: If you're struggling with OCD or unrelenting intrusive thoughts, NOCD can help. Book a free 15 minute call to get started: learn.nocd.com/DATEME» SquareSpace: Head to squarespace.com/DATEME to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code DATEME.Follow:All Links: linktr.ee/whywontyoudatemeTour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenYouTube: @WhyWontYouDateMePodcastTikTok: @whywontyoudatemepod Instagram: @nicolebyerX: @nicolebyerNicole's book, #VERYFAT #VERYBRAVE: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746This is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Why Won't You Date Me? via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Want to watch this episode? Catch the full video on YouTube. Just hit the link in the episode description. This is a headgum podcast. I'm not a bottom. I am a top who bottoms occasionally. You know what I mean? Yes.

And so occasionally I'll be like, I got the itch. I think I want to do it. Or I'll see someone and be like, you're sexy. And they're like, I'm a top. And I was like, well, that's not going to stop us from having sex. I'll tell you that. We'll figure this out. Because one thing I am doing, I'm dragging a wagon over here.

So I have a fat ass. And if you have a long limousine, then you can get into this garage. Because it's going to take a long limousine to get through this driveway, honey, because it is quite a large one. Listen, we've all had our brains completely sabotage a good time. Have you ever been on a great date and suddenly you start spiraling thinking, wait, oh my goodness, what if they're not the one? Do I even actually like them?

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OCD needs a specialized. therapy called ERP, exposure and response prevention, and that's exactly where no CD comes in. In live virtual sessions, your no CD therapist will teach you how to take the power away from intrusive thoughts so you can actually start enjoying your relationships. Plus, therapy with no CD is covered by insurance for over 155 million Americans, and they provide support between sessions so you're never alone. So if you think you might be struggling with relationship OCD, don't wait, visit nocd.com to book a free call with their team. That's nocd.com. I'm a big believer in looking out for one another, especially when it comes to our health. We all deserve to have a say in our own futures.

But right now that freedom is under attack. Planned Parenthood Federation of America is on the front lines, making sure sexual and reproductive health care stays accessible for everyone, no matter what. Whether you need STI testing and treatment, birth control, gender affirming care, abortion, or sex education, plan parenthood is here for you. And for all of us, honestly. But right now, lawmakers and opponents of abortion access are preventing people from getting essential care. They're trying to deny people birth control and promoting abstinence only until marriage programs, which, to be real, is just like, ew, God, it's like 2026. We are so past that. They quite literally want to control our bodies and our decisions like we're little puppets.

Right now, millions of people could lose access to care, especially black and Latino people, people in rural areas and people with low incomes. Planned Parenthood believes health care is a human right that everyone deserves. Supporters like you, power this work. Donate to support Planned Parenthood now at planparenthood.org slash defend. Why won't you date me? A podcast for me, Nicole Byer, was trying to figure out why I was this. single, even though you could come on the floor and tell me it was a wire. My guest today is an opera singer, a 16 pageant crown winner. Wait, a 16 time pageant crown winner. Yes, 16 times? That's so

wild and fun. And the drag queen, you know, as misc ingeniality and the runner-up and my true winner. I shouldn't say that. That's not nice to the winner. Same what you got to say. I don't know. You were my favorite. A Rupol's Drag Race Season 16. She's currently traveling the country and her new stand-up comedy tour, one slew over the cuckoo's nest. Do you see what she did? Plus, she's hosting a new podcast, Sophia, where she's having intimate heart-to-heart with her closest friends and fellow icons, and I'm so excited she's here. It's Sophia Crystal. Why did it stop? Sifera. Sipira. Sipira. Thank you so much. much for being here. Truly, I felt really bad. I was like, uh-oh. You are my winner. I

This is funny that I was like, I feel bad, but I'm a double down. I thought you were so fun and effortless and vivacious on your season. And then I love that Rue called you SluFut. It really got me good. I love when Rue loves somebody. It's like watching Family Feud and you're like, I think Steve Harvey likes this family better. He's having a good thing. Yeah, you're having more fun. this one. And I felt like Rue was having so much fun with you. Yeah. I really did like Rue and do like Rue.

It's not like she's gone. I did like Rue. Oh, I like this. But then she gave the winning to someone else. So now I'm a little, no, actually, I really do enjoy Rue. I like every time I see her. She's very, very lovely and she remembers me. You know what I mean?

Because you didn't win. She's like, you. She goes slow foot. Just like everybody else does now. Wait, does everyone do that. Everyone, look, I was walking on the streets of Philadelphia in Fishtown. And this guy, and I don't know what he was doing. He wasn't a fishmonger, but I think he was like, just like putting up siding on a wall.

I don't know what people do. Me either. I don't know what jobs are. I don't. He was at a brick wall and there was some scaffolding. And he just looks down and he goes, Slumut. And I was like, yep. He wasn't just, you know, seeing that I was Slu, but he was saying.

He knew. He was like, it's you. You are the slew. You are the slew. That's so funny. After you got on drag race, did your DMs, like, fill up with people trying to get at you? No. I was filled up with people being inspired by me.

And I was like, where is the ass? Where is the dick? Ain't nobody trying to. Because my best friend is Honeydabin Port. And her DMs definitely filled up with people just trying to get at her the whole time. And I was like, ooh, I can't. Wait, I can't wait, nothing.

I mean, something. I'm not going to say me, me inspiring people and people like loving me. That was great. And I do love it when y'all DM me that. But you know. But you want to see some dicks and booty holes. Yeah.

And, and pussies. And pussies. And tities. I want to see bodies. I want to see how you feel. Like, I want to see how you feel. You know what they mean? I do.

I do know what you mean. And the people are like, oh, Severe is such trade and Superfair is so good looking. You didn't prove it. Prove it. Show it to her. Send her them news. Yeah, they didn't come out.

I was very disappointed. I'm sorry. I've definitely fucked a fan or two. Or seven, 12, 65. 65. I lost count, honestly. And is there anything that's like a turnoff when a fan is coming at you?

Or are you just like, you're just down? I'm not always just down. You know, I have to be in the mood. I have to not be super tired. A fat ass, it's great. Like if someone comes out and they're like, hey, and then they turn around. I'm like, hey, come here. Come back here.

Come back here. That's funny to be like, okay, goodbye. Ooh, wait a minute. I see something alive. You buried the lead. You should have walked in backwards. I would love for someone to walk in backwards to be like, just trying to give you a little taste

and it's like, okay, I think I like it. I think I like it. I have, I think I tend to like people who are queer in some way. And so, not just gay, but like, you know, trans.

My partner is trans mask. I tend to have a lot of transmask partners. Are you guys open? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. How did you meet your partner? On Instagram. Okay. They slid into your DM?

Kind of. So this is a fun story. A mandatory meeting. I had apparently met him when she went to North or South Carolina. And he got a shirt of hers. And he was wearing her shirt to the gym. And he had tagged her. And she shared it.

And I saw him and was like, ooh, yummy. Who is that? And so I clicked on his profile and then liked all of his. posts. And then he messaged me, I would wear you on a t-shirt to the gym any day. And I'd say, I'd wear you any day. And that's how it started.

You know, who says romance is dead? One thing about me, I'm not subtle. No, you really aren't. I'm on the spectrum. I'm not subtle. I'm on the spectrum. Souttly gets you nothing. It really doesn't. You know?

I love that. I love that you like all of his pictures because that, like, there is no question. Yeah. Sefiria likes what she's what she's seeing. Cute, cute, cute, cute. And then he was like, oh. And so he messaged me.

How many years has it been? Or months or days. It's over a year now. Since we first started talking. We've been dating officially. Uh-huh. It'll be a year in June. I heard it.

Do you need a snack? What stomach was like, girl, you tell me, hello, y'all been together. No one asked you to come into this conversation. Thank you. We've been dating, I think, since July or June. I think it's June. So it'll be a full year of dating, dating in June. But we had our like predate stuff.

Like we went to North Carolina for a week. Before you were like officially dating? Yeah. It was kind of like my mom has this test. And she didn't even tell me this. I just figured like if I like someone, let's go on vacation together. Let's see how we are together alone in the same place. And it was magic.

I was like I don't like being bothered by a lot of people. I don't like it when my partner's all up under me all the goddamn time. Like we have some time for that. But like for the most part, you do your thing. I'm going to do my thing. And then we'll come together and do our things. And I was writing music and he was writing a book. I like that.

The nice man in my life, we went on a, like, I was working. And he went to school where I was working in D.C. So I was like, do you want to come and like hang out with your friends and stuff while I'm working? He was like, sure. And that was like maybe a month, no, maybe three months into our relationship. And then I was like, oh my goodness, I've never traveled with a partner. That seems crazy. But then it was so fucking easy.

Like he did his thing. He woke up in the morning. He would like go for a walk and get coffee and let me sleep and bring me back coffee. And then I'd go work and he'd go do shit. And I was like, ooh, this is like so easy in a way that I never imagined. But I do love that. Like, do your own thing. And then you like come together when you want to.

Yeah. And I liked the fact that like we were able to know, okay, this is sort of like a couple of days of us being together. After like the first two days, you know, we're going to drop that facade of like, you know, you're going to really get to know this person a little bit more. And I just really enjoyed him. And so we would just talk. And then I had a gig that was close to South Carolina again. And so I went down there and he came up and he did. It was like a twink pageant for meatball, actually.

I was like, you're a twink. Why don't you enter it? That sentence is really funny if you don't know the drag world. It was a twink pageant for meatball. Well, all right, I don't know what that is. Do I get a meatball if I win? Yeah, well. That's so funny.

So, wait, he was in the twink pageant? Yeah. Did he win? No. Okay. No. The person who won. literally made everything they wore.

They, like, crocheted every single outfit they wore. And I was like, girl, and he did really well. He placed a third. Okay, that's great. I love that. And it was okay because I was going to fuck him night or that night. So I was like, well, we don't want to. You're getting fucked either way.

You know. So it doesn't matter if you win or you lose. You know. Because at the end, you get all this dick. Now, is it open just on your side? or is it open on his side too? It's open on his side if he wants to. He doesn't tend to want to,

but if he wants to, he always has the option. And are there rules in your open relationship or no? Yeah. What are they? You don't have to share if you don't want to because there was a great big pause and I can read a room. I know so many people who can't.

You don't have to get into it. Well, I'm trying to think of what they are. That's funny. It's been a cold winter So we haven't really been practicing We haven't been practicing I'm you know I'm not a non-practicing Polly right now

But I still in Polly Avers We just let each other know Oh okay You know hey this is gonna happen or hey this might happen Hey while I'm gone These things might happen And he was so nice this time He was like hey do you want to take toys

Because I have my hem toys and I have my like other people toys. I like that. I like that separation because it's like make me feel special. Yeah, he has his own toys and I have toys that I use on other people. And so he was like, do you want to take some toys for other people? Because he's just rearranged all of our toys. We have an extensive collection. And when you say extensive, is it like in like big Tupperware bins?

Like what is it stored in? In big Tupperware bins would mean that they're not separated. So everything's separated into its own category. Oh. We have like, I think the thing is about, it's about as tall as I am. Okay. There's different cubbies and each cubby has like a different thing. On the bottom.

Are they labeled? They're not labeled. But you just know. You just open it and you can see them. They're like, it's not like, it's not like the Library of Congress or anything over here. It's like it's about the couple. It's like five different things. No, no, no.

I mean, in each, in each, in each, in each, cubby it's probably like five to ten different Oh okay depending on what and then what's your favorite toy? My favorite depends on my mood I even have like paddles and stuff because I you know I'm I am a dom of sort Ooh, and I do like impact play and I'm good at it Wait what's impact play impact? Like being hit? Yeah I was like I'm gonna let you figure that one out Well I didn't I didn't know it was called impact play impact play impact play is like

Spanking is what we say, you know, but like impact play is the all-encompassing. Oh. You spank with your hand, with a paddle, with, um, sometimes it's not even just spanking, because spanking is like here or that, but sometimes you take a cane and you like go around the whole body. Oh, and that's called caning. It's called caning, which is under the umbrella of. Impact play.

Get it, girl. She's learning and she's retaining. Yes. I guess I like impact play. Because I like being spanked. Yeah. What kind of spanking? I like a little bit of a hand.

Do you like a lot of spanking? I like it hard to a point. Like, I like it hard, but then you got to go a little softer because if you go too hard, then then my booty gets a little raw and it hurts. Well, that's, yes. Well, I don't want to hurt, hurt. So I used to do, I had a number with my ex-fiance. And it was my Corelidaville number.

And he has, he's covered in tattoos. and I just put like a little Dalmatian ears on him. And so it looked like he looked like a Dalmatian. And I would spank him and I would spank him. I would start with like a small thing and then at the end I would get like my bigger paddles and I would spank him harder and you would watch his ass turn from, you know, lily white as he was. To red to red to purple.

Oh. To blue. Oh. Yeah. Oh my goodness. And so he would... A color changing Dalmatian. Yeah, you know.

But like, you know, one of the fun things is, for me, it's like spanking someone's bum until they're like nice and red. And then spanking them with my hip thrusters. Because you understand. I did. It took me a hot second. Spanking then pounding. Yes. Yes.

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Have you ever hooked up with anybody in drag? Oh, what were you thinking I was talking about? Are you in drag when you're hooking up? I'm in drag right now, aren't I? Yes. Yes. Oh. Hey.

Oh. Hey. Baby, I have had some, I've had, I'm gorgeous. You are. You're stunning. I am stunning. And I know it. And guess what?

Guess who else knows it? The trade. The trade. And the trade is the trade that some people would be like, oh, my God, that guy is so beautiful. That guy was railed in my bedroom, railed, bent over so he could look back at all this. You understand what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah.

And I love that for you. I love that for me. I love that for them. What's the wildest hookup you've had? Wild how? Oh. I don't know. Well, it depends.

So, like, one time I had this hookup. Y'all are going to get some stories. One time I had this hookup, it was way back, back, back, back in the day. Oh, I've told this story before. He'll be fine. And we used to have this show called, ooh, pumps. It was a night for the girls.

Yes. So I thought there was, you know, there was this missing night. We needed a night for our trans sisters. and siblings to be able to go out and have a good time. Everyone else is being taken care of, but not them, us. And so I created this night, and we had basically a bunch of chasers who would come down. And then we had like a femme presenting bartender. The person who was a bouncer was also.

Everyone was trans. And this cute guy from Berkeley. because I was in Boston, came in, and I was like, oh, he's cute. And everyone was like, oh, yeah, I was like, he's mine. And I took him out back, out into the coat check, gave him a blowjob. And then once he was done, I was like, oh, no, no, no, you're not done. And then he wrote a song about me. What?

Yeah. It's called Safira. You can look it up on. That's funny, because a lot of songs are like, it's like imagery or, like, metaphors, And it's like, no, no, this is just about you and it's named after you. It's about, actually, it says, there's a line and it says,

she'll take you to heaven in a bathroom stall. She'll bring you up and drop you down to your niece. I mean, he wrote the song. I was like, this is such a cute song. But the funny thing about it is these are all things that actually happened. I want to give a blowjob so transcendent that the person is like,

I got to write a song about it. I got to let the people. know that that mouth does wonders. Maybe this mouth is magic. I've heard it so many times. I remember, okay, I can't say who, but one time I was hooking up in, this wasn't in drag, in Provincetown.

Okay. And it was with a fellow drag queen, though. And they were very well known in Provincetown. And I was, I think I was eating their ass. And they said, you know, your tongue is so good. And they were older than quite a bit older than me. And they said, your tongue was, if this town knew what your tongue could do, you would be a, you would be, you'd be on the top of the food chain here.

And I was like, I don't even know what that means or how to make it actually happen. Because I'm the kind of person. You say that, like, I have a talent. I'm going to make a check. I go, I'm going to figure out how to do that. But for some reason. That is such a funny thing to say while you're hooking up. you'd be on the top of this town

if they knew what this tongue could do maybe it's because you sing yeah maybe I mean I do so I later on found out that my very fast vibrato is not even vibrato it's tongue tension so I have this uh

see I was right I that's what my tongue does it's tongue tension so like I have to slow it down or I have to try and get my tongue out of the way to sing properly but because I have been eating people out for so long. Stop!

You're like, me too, me too. I'm there. I'm there the whole time. But yeah. So you've been eating ass for so long. Not just ass, honey. I'm pansexual. Yes, and you found that, or you've always just been pansexual.

I've actually always been pansexual. I realized what that was later on in life because then, because, we, it became a more widely known term. You know what I mean? But I've pretty much always been pen sexual. I, like, decided I was gay for a little bit, and that was too limiting. Because you were dating somebody. We were in the closet.

You were dating somebody. They were out. And then you decided to come out to support them. How do you know the story? It's my research. My assistant Lindsay is very good at things. Oh, wow. And I love just being able to drop it because people are like, wait, what?

That's deep. Yeah. I was dating. someone who was out and then I decided that I would, you know, come out. And then they were like, then they started acting weird. And I was like, dude, what's up? Then did you break up? No, we just kept fucking.

Uh-huh. We're in high school. I love that you've been pansexual adult. Like, I don't know. Yeah. It feels like you've had no. I've been, I've been very sexually active for a very long time. and I have literally been eaten ass and eaten pussy since I was like six years old.

Six? Yeah. Just, you know, like, you know, kids experimenting and doing all kind of stuff. Yeah. I was playing with an easy bake oven at six. I was playing with somebody's easy bake oven, honey. Oh, my God. We didn't have many.

We didn't. I wasn't, I wasn't raised in the ferns, honey. We had very few things to play with. I wasn't written. I was in the suburb. And I said, ooh, let me bake. These big ovens are insane. Anyway, so how kinky are you on a scale of one to 10?

And what's the kinkiest thing you've ever done? Probably a seven. Okay. No poop. Okay. No blood. Okay. Honestly, not to yuck someone's yum, but like, I think that's nice.

Yeah, I mean, like, I'm not like, I don't think that you can't do. it on your own time with someone else. Sure. And then come and do other things with me. I think, you know, after you take a shower, you've done your own thing, go off. But for me, I have a very, very sensitive sense of smell. Yeah. And it's hyper sensitive.

Mm-hmm. So no. I just, I don't know. And then blood is just, I, this is too much. Blood is a little too much for me. It's, especially a lot of blood. Like, if I like spank you to the point that you're bleeding, that's fine. But like if I'm not cutting someone, you know what I mean?

And I'm not even trying to spank someone to the point they're bleeding. It's just like if it happens. Sometimes people have sensitive skin. Yeah, yeah, yeah, blah, blah, blah. But yeah, I don't think I'm terribly. Let's see, the freak, the kinkiest, we're going to kill the kinky because we don't like to shame. Yeah. I fistic.

One time I've fisting this guy. And these are our real stories, by the way. And I was fissing this guy and straight guy, interesting enough. And to him, he said he was straight. Okay. We'll honor him. We'll honor his identity choice. And so I have my fist like in him and I'm like doing this and he like comes because

I'm like just like rotating my fist. And then I fucked him and it was the tightest ass I'd ever fucked. That was tighter than like any ass I'd fuck. And he was like, right? And I was like, this is crazy. That's funny. He was like, I'm about to do a magic. trick and she's not going to know till it's done.

She's going to fist me and then fuck me and then be so surprised at how tight it is. That is so funny. He was already prepared. And well, we're honoring that he's straight, but that to me is not a straight man if he knows the trick he could do. I mean, if he doesn't want a woman as well. You know what? I think he's a bisexual man who just said me straight. I think so too.

I think most people are bisexual. I think most people are pansexual, actually. What's the difference between bisexual and pansexual? To me, they're kind of... 2026. I don't know. Oh, I guess bisexual says there's a binary. There's male, female, pan includes everybody?

Yes. Okay. See, I answered my own dang question. And I'm proud of you. I know. Impact play. Not often. But sometimes I'll think about like poop play and I'm like, oh, but why?

Why would we ever? Every once in a while, I'm like, and this is not something that's ever been done. But every once in a while, I'm like, I don't. I don't feel like cleaning out, but I do want to get fucked. Is that poop play? It's not poop play. It is, well, if you're going to play there, you might get some shit on your mouth. Occupational hazard.

There you go. Occupational hazard. And I've said that so many times because I've, you know, unfortunately. I think as long as you warn people. Yeah. Hey, I haven't douched. I would love to still have a nice time, but putting that out there. Yeah.

Yeah. I have not been warned sometimes. The thing is sometimes I had sex with like straight men who thought that they had done it correctly. But they just didn't have the experience. And then they were like, oh, but I did it. I like, and they still had that last bit that was still left in there. Okay, I'll ask, what is, I've never douched my butt. What is the proper way to do it?

Okay, so you prep in advance. You have to prep from, depending on when you're doing it, you have to kind of prep from the day before. Okay, so on a Friday. Your meal, you're trapped. This I know. You have to like eat nicely. Yes, you have to eat nicely. Your tract is 12 hours.

So think about what you ate 12 hours ago. And then go from there. You know what I mean? People sometimes help it with fiber. Take a lot of fiber. You drink a lot of fiber. Eat a lot of fiber. Marr started typing.

Are you taking now? Yeah. How to. Yeah. It's for the episode description. No, it's just. You're like, sure. Sure it is.

I asked like, how do you do it? And then you started and then I just started tap, tap, tap, tap, tap. And it just really, the timing of it was so funny. Okay, so we're thinking about what we're eating 12 hours before. 12 hours before him. And then you make sure you have a lot of fiber in your system, kind of always. Yes. You never know when you're going to want to do it.

Because you want everything to be moving. You want everything to be moving. And you want it to move solidly. You don't want it to move softly. You want everything to move solidly. Then you start on your thing. You want to kind of do it when you're already have to go. So when you go, you go.

So that's already a good, the chamber has been emptied. And then how many hours before sex should you be emptying the chamber? Now, this depends on if you've taken an emotium AD or not. Okay. Because one of the- An emotium AD will stop you from shitting? Yes. Ah.

This is a thing that the gays have perfected. Okay. They're emotium. So they'll take emotium before they go out. So they're good for the night. I have so many days in my life. And nobody has ever told me about this emodium trick. And I feel, I don't know, left out.

I feel. Have you just been going at it all willy-nilly? You were like, I don't know how to do. I was like, so you don't have anal sex at all? I don't. Okay, good. I've only had it one. When you said no one taught me this trick and I was like,

no, I'm just shitting on people. You just didn't know dixir out of here? That's crazy I'm just letting it ramp Baby call her Picasso because she's a painter, honey I make a masterpiece as y'all

baby Master P make him say Ugh Oh Na na na na na na We gotta stop Right

Okay so you take a modium Before going out Yeah So you take the So you do the full So we empty out So you try to empty out And then you start douching

Okay So you empty out Then you do shing. And when you do, okay, the first thing, it's, honestly, it's the same as like doing a cleanse. Like if you do a liver cleanse or something like that. You know, it's clear. Okay, no.

Okay, this one's not clear. Okay, we keep going. Not clear. Okay. It's starting to be a little more clear. How many times, this is a personal question. How many times do you have to doche before it runs clear? Well, depends on my diet at the time.

I'm not a bottom. Okay. I am a top who bottoms occasionally. You know what I mean? Yes. And so occasionally I'll be like, I got the itch. I think I want to do it. Or I'll see someone and be like, you're sexy.

And they're like, I'm atop. And I was like, well, that's not going to stop us from having sex. I'll tell you that. We'll figure this out. Because one thing I am doing, I'm dragging a wagon over here. So I have a fat ass. And if you have a long limousine, then you can get into this garage. Because it's going to take a long limousine to get through this driveway, honey,

because it is quite a large one. One of those analogies where I was like, surely you'll stop. And it just didn't. Because you don't fail. I don't fail, honey. You achieve the dream. I'm dying. If you've a lock limousine, I got a garage.

You could park it all up in this garage. The door's going to open. And that limine better pull in. But it's a long, it's a long, it's a long driveway before you get said this. I'm a fat ass. There are people who are like, oh, oh. I was like, are you in yet? Because when you got a big ass, you know, when you got, when you got a big ass.

Yes. When you got junk in the trunk and someone's behind. you, sometimes they're like, I'm in and you're like, nope, you're in the beginning. Maybe you're through the cheeks, but that's it, honey. You haven't gotten into the garage. You got to go inside. A little bit further.

Push. Push. Push. Breathe. Push. Push. Push. Get in there. That's why I just sit on them.

You know what I mean? I'll let gravity take over. I mean, that's the easiest way to do it. It's lovely. This episode is sponsored by Better Health. You guys, it's March. That means we are celebrating international. Women's Day and taking a moment to recognize everything women carry. Oh, we juggle so much at work,

in our relationships and in our families. Honestly, I want you to take a pause right now and think about the expectations placed on you every single day. The pressure to play a million different roles is honestly, it's just wild between caring for others and managing unseen responsibilities. It is so easy to let our own emotional well-being get overlooked, but you don't have to carry it all yourself. Therapy offers a dedicated space to help you create balance, set healthy boundaries, and truly support your well-being. Better help makes finding that support easy by doing the initial matching work for you. Just take a short questionnaire and they match you with a fully licensed therapist in the U.S.

Not happy with your match. You can switch to a different therapist at any time from tailored recommendations. Honestly, that's very, very important because it's kind of like data. You have to find who is your match. Your emotional well-being matters. Find support and feel lighter in therapy. Sign up to get 10% off at betterhelp.com slash date me. That's better help.com slash date me. This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. We talk about Squarespace a lot on this show and that is because it is truly the best platform for building a website. If you're a creative person like me, maybe you do comedy or you host a podcast or you want to book consultations online, you need a home base for your website. You need a home base for your website. You're a creative person like me. Maybe you do comedy or you host a podcast. You need a home base for your website. work. Listen, okay, I am not a tech person, but with Squarespace's cutting-edge design tools, you do not need any experience to build a professional website. They have these gorgeous award-winning website templates and intuitive drag-and-drop editing. Plus, they have an amazing tool called Blueprint, where you can answer a few questions and it will instantly customize a personalized website just for you. Squarespace is also perfect if you want to actually monetize your work. You can

gate your exclusive videos behind a paywall, sell your merch, or let people book you for gigs. Squarespace handles the payments right there on the site so you don't have to stress about logistics. You could just focus on being a creative talent. Head to Squarespace.com slash date me for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code, date me to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. How did you get into drag? I, how did I get into drag? I've actually been into drag for a very long time. I love just wearing costumes and stuff. I feel like, you know, Halloween is a form of drag for everyone.

Yes. I did a lot of that. My dad used to make my costumes when I was a kid, and so I was Goro or I was the genie. I was, and there is just something about becoming another person. So I watched Tu Wong Fu when I was a kid and, you know, when you used to have to go rent the VHSs. And so we kept it extra long because I went to watch it over and over and over again. I don't know how my parents didn't realize this is on the horizon.

But when I was in high school, I first did drag because I wanted to be Leontyne Price for Halloween. Okay. She's a very famous opera singer. She just turned 99, like a couple days. Oh. She just turned 99 in February. She was just such a divot of me, and I was like, I want to be her for Halloween. So that was my senior year in high school.

My freshman year in college, I was Lincoln Price again. Because these people didn't see me what I did last year, so might as well. That's actually very, very funny. Yeah. Just be like, they didn't see it. Mama be the same person. It doesn't matter. These are different people.

But I went to the Eastman School of Music, so it actually landed. It landed much better. You didn't have to explain it to everybody. I didn't have to explain it to everyone. In high school, everyone was like, Whitney Houston? Alphrey Woodard? I was like... I'm gagged.

That's so funny. Because this was at the time during, what was it called? I mean, the Desperate Housewives, when Alpshire Woodard was all on desperate housemen. Yes. And so people kept calling me Alfred Woodard or Whitney Houston, and no one knew who Lentine T. Price was. Except for the people. in my department, of the vocal department.

She's notably the greatest soprano in all of the 20th century. Oh. Yeah, arguably. Maria Callas, what does she sing? Also soprano. Oh, but she's not so, she's not as good as the other one?

She's white. Oh. But she is great. Oh, God. I mean, Maria was very, very, very great. Actually, Mary Callis was very pivotal because she basically said,

you can actual act, you know. Oh. So Maria Callis is one of the opera singers who, like, made opera super dramatic in their acting. So old school opera is just, it was just like presenting and singing? Pretty much kind of park and barking.

Interesting. I've never heard that before. Park and barking. That's what we call it. That's very funny. You stand there and you just, And then you're done. Can you tell me, how did you get into opera?

You are, so I saw Hocus Pocus live. Did you come? Yes. You are so one funny. Thank you. It seemed like you were having the time of your life. And your voice is fucking incredible. And there was one point you have a solo and it's like transcending.

And the audience didn't give you what you wanted and you went, oh wow, no standing ovation? And I was like, I was, me and my friend, I was with my friends, Mono, Gillian, Betsy, and we were like, standing. We were like, the only people were like, blah. And I love that you were like, that was hard. And it was good. Give me what I deserve. Well, the thing is, like, a lot of places, but you know when you come to L.A. Yeah.

Baby, everyone's like, oh, I can do that myself. No, you can. No, you can. You can't do this. I'm sorry. And it's okay. I can't do what a lot of people can do. I'm a multi-hyphenist, so there's a lot of things that I can do.

But I can't fail. So, you know what I mean? Like, we all have our things that we're good at. We all have our things and I can't fail. How did you get into singing? I started singing when I was like, born. I was crying in tune. But when I think my passion for opera, I started when I was like three or four years old,

my parents took me to go see La Boe M at the outdoor theater. And everyone was like running around and like, ah! All the kids, you know, and I was sat. I was four years old, like, what is happening? And I didn't understand what was going on. Number one, it's in a different language. Number two. Is it an Italian?

It's an Italian, yeah. And number two, like, they're just singing everything, but I was, I was into it. And ever since then, I've always just heard opera in my mind, in my brain. I just always heard. And a good, you know, it was Pavarotti. I listened to a lot of opera growing up. My mom, we loved jazz. She loved opera.

She loved all music. And so we listened to a lot of music growing up. And then one day I just started singing that way. Wait, really? Yeah, I mean. Are you not trained? No, you went to school sports. Yeah, I'm trained now.

Okay. Yeah, but you said, how did I get into it? You're like, I'm telling a story? I was telling you how I got. You ever heard of it? Have you ever heard of a story? But yeah, that's how I got into it. It was, you know, and then I went to the high school

for performing visual arts, same school as Beyonce. I don't know how old you are. I'm not, I didn't go to school with Beyonce. Okay. So I'm not that, but, uh. I'm not that. She, she was a freshman in 1995. I was a freshman in 2002.

Okay, all right. Yeah, so. She's old. Her than you think. She really is. Yeah. Wait, what's that math? And she looks younger than both of us.

She really does. I like Sarah. the other day. I was like, okay, so what are these? She's aging in reverse. I want the doctors. I want the doctors. I want the rituals. Yes. Give it to me. She looks so fucking good. That's a vampire, honey. She really is. She really is. My God. So you went to the same school as Beyonce? Yes, I went to same high school as I just went to church with Beyonce. Did you have? Did you ever see them in church? Yeah. Did they ever sing in church? No. Not when I was there. That's rude. Yeah, they, you know, they were

already famous by the time. Oh, I see. I forgot you're so young. I was a baby. I was a baby. I was a baby. I'm a 37-year-old baby. Sometimes that's what I feel like. I do feel like a baby. I'm like, when do I grow up? When do I become an adult? And that's that's actually how it's supposed to work. You think? I think so. I think that people grow out of their whimsy. And I think that's sad. You know what? I do think you're right. I do, I think it's a lot of times as people with children. Some of them keep it and they like are able to raise these like really wonderful kids because they never lost that whimsy. You know what? You're right. My friend Tess has so much whimsy and she's got a 17 year old.

And every time I look at her child, I'm like, it's wild that you've been raising a kid for 17 years and you're still so much fun. Yeah, I have a friend who has, I think she's like maybe 12 now. And she's a clown. Like her mother is a clown. And so like she just gets raised. by this clown and she's been raised by a clown this whole time. It sounds like you're insulting your friend, but you're like, no, she's a literal clown. Actually a clown, like professional freaky clown. Not like a go to your children's party clown,

but like a stripper clown. Oh, I like that. Yeah, like swallow swords kind of clown. Ooh, that's fun. Yeah, she's really, really wonderful. And she just, it's so much fun. And her kid has so much imagination, so much love for people, and already knows that they're not

And it's just like, yay, this is a wonderful thing. You don't have to teach this child anything. No. All you have to do is show them the way. And they're just like, yeah. Let them out in the world. And sometimes children like that will teach you. And I love that. Okay, so I really derailed the conversation.

So you, he went to high school, high school for the performing arts, same as Beyonce. And did you sing in church at all? Yeah. Okay. I sing in church. So like when Beyonce and Kelly, I was in the choir, and they were like, I could see Beyonce right in front of me.

And I knew it was her because she was very thin. So she would stand up and she had this big hair and she would stand up and put her. And I'd be like, wow, she's very small. And you can tell when she just came off of a film because she got really small. But when she comes home, she gets thick again because she likes to eat.

And it was really nice to know, like, oh, sometimes you just got to, you go through your cycles. Yes, you go through your cycle. And now she's like, I'm just thick and I'm fine with that. And I love that. Like, because she doesn't, no one tells her how she has to be. No, Beyonce gets to be. Gets to just be.

Gets to be. And everyone's like, yeah, thick is in. I mean, it's... Okay, so I was watching this movie last night called Daredevel. Have you ever seen it? No. With Ben Affleck? Oh, Daredevil.

Yes. I said it fun. I've never seen that one. Daredebel. And Homegirl in it, what's her name? One of the Jennifer's that he goes in between. She's so thin in that movie. And I was like, good Lord.

That's crazy that in the 90s, it was like a trend. A trend to be real... To be so thin. Daredevil was in the 90s? Oh, maybe it was in 2000s. Girl, I don't know anything. That came up in 2003, and it's Jennifer Gardner. Oh, Jennifer Gardner, 2003.

Okay, so 90s, early 2000s. Yeah, just coming out of that style. You're still right. It's just so wild to me. They have heroin chic. Which is crazy that they were like, you know, then people dying on the street. Yeah, let's look like them. Let's look like them and call it a trend and put it in vogue.

And guess what? They did it. They sure did. dying on the street. They were also dying on the runway. They were dying on private jets. I just, I think it's weird that bodies have trends. It's like, just let your body be a body. I think that's where we are now. I hope. I think that people are embracing thickness because, you know, that's really what happened to you just let yourself go. And by let yourself go, I mean, like, let yourself do what it's just going to do. Yes. You know. We also have like the ozemp of,

O-Zemp, o-zempic of it all, where, like, I feel like people are, like, losing. I don't know. I feel like thin is coming back in a little bit. Yeah, I mean, I have to lose weight because physically I can't support all the weight that I'm carrying. Because I wasn't, I didn't come up with a lot of weight. So, like, when your body's not accustomed to having a lot of weight, it can have a toll on your body. But if you always had a lot of weight on your body or if you have, like, the bones that can support. It, girl, go off, honey.

There is, and if it has something to do with somebody else, there is somebody who loves it. I have trade that has called me thick. And I literally was like, what are you talking about? They were like, yeah, I love that you've gotten so thick. And I was like, shut up. Just eat my ass. Do you talk about? Stop talking?

Start eating. Start eating, honey. There is, why are we talking about how thick I've got? This is not something I feel like talking about right now. You're not my therapist nor my nutritionist. We need to get the fuck out. Let's do the thing. We have come to the end.

I truly have asked you none of my standard questions. Like, at all. But usually I ask my guests, do you have any advice for single people? Stay single. Give up. No, I don't mean give up. Just stay single. Or stay, enjoy your friends.

You have people in your life that are very important to you that love you. And really cultivate those relationships and really grow and live and go on vacation together with your friends. Like, I feel like everyone's always looking for that special person. And then you go and then you stay at home and watch TV all day. And y'all don't really talk and you don't do a lot of stuff. And then you have the most friends for your best friend. Go have some fun with their friends. I agree.

I've had some of my, like, favorite memories traveling with friends. Yeah. Friends are just, I like, I say it a lot with my other podcast. with my best friends this year, I'm like, we need to fellowship and we need community. And you need those people in your life who aren't your romantic partners. Exactly. Because that's really important as well. Yeah.

And those people really help build you for that person if you ever get that person. And if you don't, good for you. Yeah. Have a nice time. Have a nice time. And I don't mean good for you because it's hard over here for a pimp. But like, it's a lot of work. keeping in a relationship and dealing with another person.

At least you know when you're done with your friend, you can go home. Hey, I don't feel like being with you anymore. Love me. See you tomorrow. I was just talking about how wonderful that is to be like, goodbye. Goodbye. My nice time with you.

I don't want to do this anymore because it's like we're just friends. We don't know each other anything. What you're doing? What's you about to do? That's what I tell the trade every time we're done. Or every time we're done. So what are you doing tonight? Because I know it's not staying here.

That's very funny. So what do you have going on? It's like, oh, I guess I have to leave. Yes. I guess you do. Yes. Truly, thank you so much for being here. I forgot to say that I have a show.

Oh, wait. Oh, yes. What would you like to promote? I have like a full aneurysm. I was like, oh, yeah. I'm supposed to ask. I'm supposed to ask. So what would you like to promote?

Well, I have a show called Once Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Yes, we already talked about that. Once Over the Cuckoo's Nest is, I mean, what we're doing right, Now, if you like seeing me on TV or on your phone, come see me in person. It's a last play. Do you sing in the show? I don't.

Oh. It's a stand-up comedy show. Oh, okay. I love that. It's a stand-up comedy. We're just telling jokes and laughing together because I realized when I was very, very young that I just didn't feel like I was in the right place. You know what I mean? I was like, why does everyone understand this but me?

Am I crazy? I'm not crazy. There's a lot of people who feel like way. I feel like, I was like, I'm just going to write down my thoughts. And every time I said it to any of my friends, they were like, you're funny. And so I did drag race, won the comedy challenge there, even while flubbing a little bit. But I didn't flub. I just, I have ADHD.

And my brain moved faster than my mouth. Oh, yeah. That's funny. Because we touched, or no, maybe that was in my research. I meant to ask you about that. Oh, no, you said you were on the spectrum. And I meant to ask you about ADHD because as a child, they wanted to medicate you. your parents maybe didn't want you medicated? Yeah, my mom didn't want me medicated.

Are you medicated now? Sometimes. I take Vivance and if I don't take it, boy, oh boy, am I annoying? Ooh, wait, because I just talk a mile a minute and then things don't, it's hard for people I'm speaking to to understand where, like, I'll A to B, I'll like A to Q to Z to C. See, I can follow that because my brain moves a mile a minute. My mouth does not. My brain does and my mouth can't keep up.

I'm the opposite. My mouth is moving faster than my brain. So like sometimes a nice man in my life, he'll be like, so it feels like you say everything you think. And I was like, yes. Yes. It has to have that. And he was like, because sometimes you'll work it out because he works from home. So sometimes I'll start talking and I'll be like, oh, I think I'm annoying you because you're working.

So I'll leave you alone. And he's like, we could avoid all that if you go, he's working right now, or you ask, is this a good time? And I went, yeah, sure. And then my therapist was like, maybe you ask him if it's a good time. And I was like, oh, wow, she's right. She got it. She's the one who's right, not him. He was like, I said that.

And I was like, did you though? But did you? Did you? Did you? Did you? I didn't get it when you said it. Also, I asked all my guess this. Would you date me?

Of course. Hell, y'all would date you. We've been laughing this whole time. We really have. Anyone who makes me laugh, I would date you all the time. Oh. If you can make me laugh, I'll fuck you. I guess I'm going to have to get some emodium.

Oh, Mr. Nice Man. Who you watch? He wouldn't. He'd be like, no thing. No thanks, but go off. Well, if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me? You could like it. You could rate it.

You can subscribe. You could give me. five stars on Apple Podcasts. And if you write me something nasty to why won't you date me podcast at gmail.com and you have to hit on me and it has to be nasty. I'll read it. Hi Nicole, it's your favorite trans couple, Finn and Sabrina, back for another threesome. We're having delicious, nasty sex.

And we end up with me, Sabrina, doing my boyfriend doggy style while he eats you out and fists your pussy. Okay, only duck bill. I don't like a full fist. Yeah. It's such a gorgeous sight. watching it and I get extremely aroused and pound thin really hard. I'm fucking him so hard.

He starts to get crammed into your pussy. Head first. He's such a small guy. I'm still railing him as he's halfway inside you. You come so hard that you pop him out with your orgasm. We're all covered in your juices and he lays on the floor naked. Oh, no. And as he lays on the floor naked, we're like, did you basically give birth to him?

He's your son now. Then I ask you for 18 years of back pay for child support. You refuse, unfortunately, and you never invite us over for sex again. That was genuinely very funny. Wow. I love me on a emotional journey. I didn't think I was going to be on an immersive. I'm a little tearing.

It's an immersive experience. Honestly, my listeners and people who come to my shows are some of the genuinely like most creative, funny, wonderful people. And every time I tour, the people at the theater of the club are like, man, your fans are like respectful. They're nice. They eat.

And they tip very, very well. So everybody who listens to this podcast and comes to my shows and supports me, you're all really nice people. And I'm so proud that I've curated such a lovely following. Yeah. And thank you so much for being here.

And this was fun. is so much fun. Yeah! Get your tickets for... Oh, yes. Where can they get tickets? C.Safira.com. And what are your socials?

My socials are Safira Kristol on all platforms. And you can also listen to my album The Crystal Ball on all streaming platforms. Singing? Yeah.

Opera? Yes and no. It's contemporary. It's contemporary. But I do have an opera. I have the Omeel Babi Nicaro which is on all streaming platforms as well.

The video I did with Katia. Ooh, I don't think I've seen it. I said, ooh, like I had seen. I was like, ooh. I thought, I was like, what are you doing? And I haven't seen it. And won't. See, this is my mouth moving faster than my brain, because my brain was like, you haven't seen it. And I was like, ooh!

And this is with Vibance. Girl, it's a struggle every day. I almost took my Ritalin today because I was like, I'm exhausted. Maybe I could just, you know. If I don't take it, I'll just go back to sleep. Yeah. Because I'm like, boy, I have a lot of things to do better just sleep. Well, goodbye.

Bye. That was a Headgum podcast.