Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Staying Friends with your Ex (w/ James Marsden)

Episode Date: April 14, 2023

Actor James Marsden (Sonic The Hedgehog, Hairspray, Jury Duty) joins Nicole to talk about his new singledom, remaining friends with all of his exes, his romantic side, and reviews Nicole's latest Tinder profile. Nicole teaches Marsden about bussies and scat porn.  This episode was specially recorded in-person at Team Coco's studios. Thank you engineer Rich and the whole team for putting this together!  Write to Nicole! Submit your dirty pick-up lines, dating stories, or questions to [e-mail] for a chance to have it read on-air. Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, is exploring love and stuff because I don't have any in my life. My guest today is an actor that you know from movies like The Notebook, 27 Dresses,

Ooh, Hairspray, I love that, Enchanted, Disenchanted. And then my favorite two movies of maybe all time and a franchise that's very important to me, X-Men. And then you all know, okay, I love Sonic the Hedgehog and I love Sonic the Hedgehog too. It's two of my favorite movies. He's got a new show, Jury Duty, that is now streaming on freebie. I'm so excited to have him here today. It's James Marston.

Can I start cheering for myself now? Yes you can Wait I'm trying to figure out what you were giggling about I fucking love Sonic Oh okay Unironically love that movie I watched it in my living room on the floor And I like sobbed Wait you what?

I sobbed Because I felt like Sonic. I feel like Sonic is going really fast and doesn't have time to make friends. And I have ADHD. So sometimes my brain is just moving too fast to connect with people. And I was like, I'm Sonic. I'm glad that we moved you. Some emotion in you.

It wasn't just a thrill ride. No. You sobbed. Sob't just a thrill ride. No, sobbing. Like actually crying. Ben Schwartz was like, are you like trolling me? Like, are you? He's like, do you actually mean

that you were that emotional? I was like, yes. And then the second movie I saw in theaters and it was like me and this 10 year old truly uproariously laughing, like having the best time.

Oh, that's great. What a nice thing to say it's great can i ask okay you got the call to do sonic no sorry we're not here to talk for an hour you can't ask me anything sorry we're just gonna sit here in silence okay fair i'll do it i'll just burst inside with all my sonic questions okay how does one get into the sonic franchise because i just want to be a lady standing on the street going, ooh, that blue thing was fast. Oh, man. How do I get into the Sonic franchise?

Well, I mean, I'd done a film before where I was – a couple of films, actually, where I was talking to animated rodents. It was a chipmunk in Enchanted. It was an Easter bunny in a movie called Hop. And I thought – I don't know what I was thinking. This movie came my way, not because I had done those other films, but because it was a very popular IP with the video game. And I was a fan of the video game, but I guess I fit the mold to be the kind of buddy in it.

And at the time, I was kind of considering maybe not doing it, to be honest. And now I look back in hindsight and think, well, that would have been a disaster. That's the wildest I've ever heard.

But only because I had done, I was thinking like, okay, if I do this film, I'm just going to be the guy who is only in movies opposite animated rodents.

I'm going to be that guy. You know, for the longest time, I was the other guy in a love triangle who never got the girl. And now I'm going gonna be that guy you know for the longest time i was the other guy in a love triangle who never got the girl and now i'm gonna be the guy who talks to like cgi characters i mean it's pretty niche i like that that's fun you gotta carve out your niche right absolutely right okay so what is it like what what were you acting with uh my imagination was it just your imagination or was it like a thing with dots on it? It was several different things.

It was a tennis ball at the end of a metal rod. Okay. If he had to move, right? The tennis ball represented his eyes. And they would just take that out in post, of course. But I would be acting opposite that. There was a really kind of creepy looking doll. If it was static.

And I would have to look at and pretend like he wasn't a creepy looking doll um there were moments where he was a sandbag if i was holding him and i needed to sell the weight of him so there were many different sonics none of none of which were as exciting as the end product that we ended up with oh boy i remember when they revealed the first look at sonic and we all said you better get get back and do better. And then they did. He looks so good now. I remember having that conversation with Ben Schwartz, actually, too. We were like, what is that?

We got to do something. He has too many teeth. Too many teeth. And his quads were too jacked. Too thick, yeah. He was just, he looked like, yeah, like a, he wanted to make him look like a boy or something, I guess. But he ended up looking like a troll.

He looked like a weird, like, I'm fast. Ben Schwartz said, he goes, it looks like, I forget the movie, but he said, it looks like the little monkey boy from some movie. I forget what it was. Jumanji? Maybe that was it. It was Jumanji. That's what it was. Anyway, so we were like, this has got to change.

But actually, you know, looking back, I mean, thank God they listened. Because that's not something normally the studios would do, right? You are right. They're like, we spent the money. We're done. Right. But if it was that big of a response, I think Paramount and the director and the producers and everyone were like, well, this is in unison. Like everyone is. No one's out there going, I think he looks fine.

Right. That's for me. We got to change this. And that wasn't cheap. Right. That was an expensive endeavor. Very, very expensive. Right. But it worked out. James, I have another question. Yeah. How did you get into acting?

Boy, it was so long ago. I took a stagecoach to Hollywood from Oklahoma. A horse-drawn carriage to Hollywood. It's an interesting story without going on too long because it's not that interesting. When I was 16, I was on a trip with my family to Hawaii, and I met the Cameron family of Kirk Cameron and Candace Cameron from Full House and Growing Pains. Okay. And I got to be kind of friends with them and we kept in touch and they said, oh, you're really funny.

I spent the whole trip with them. I just abandoned my family. You said goodbye. See you later. These are my Hollywood friends now. I love these people. And I had always had that bug and I was, I mean, I, I grew up watching Saturday night live and that was the dream is to be on SNL to be like a regular. No, no. And I had a funny

conversation. I have not. And, and that would be the dream and also the most terrifying thing in the world to me. Um, cause it was something that I, I mean, I mean I just I I wanted to be Dana Carvey like growing up I wanted to be um you know all the greats and so I got this opportunity I met these actors that were working actors in the business and we kept in touch and I went back to Oklahoma for a couple of years and I thought I went to college for three semesters to get the college experience sure and then it became evident to me that I needed to either get serious about getting a real job and finishing school or become an actor and give it a shot. So I thought, well, I have nothing to lose. So I'm going to drive to LA, maybe call some friends that I knew there

already. My father, who's not in the business at all, he's a microbiologist, quite opposite of what I do. So he's smart. Very smart. What's a microbi what's a microbiologist i'm not smart enough to know that's why i'm an actor don't ask me those questions i'm not very smart my dad had the skip to skip to generation okay he so he is a uh a food scientist um so anytime you see e coli or salmonella in the news my father's usually in the news because he's the expert who kind of comes in and fixes people's like companies. That's really fucking cool. Yeah. Be like, oh, we get this dude in here.

He's got to tell us about the salmonella. Yeah, that's exactly right. He was on Donahue back in the was it the 90s when When the Jack in the Box kids died from eating undercooked burgers. Don't quote me on that. I will! I will! James said kids died from undercooked Jack in the Box. And then he just was working for Chipotle

to figure out their thing over the last couple of years. Wow, I love your family because I love Chipotle. That's fun. There you go. Well, you're welcome anytime. Really? Okay. Do you have any siblings? I do. I's fun. There you go. Well, you're welcome anytime. Really? Okay. Do you have any siblings? I do. I have several. Any single ones?

Let me in your family. Yes, I do. Well, I'd have to check. Okay. My brother kind of goes in and out of a relationship at the moment, so let me give him a ring after If he's in between, ask him if he's, yeah, just take a picture of me and be like, do you like this? She's got googly eyes on her sweater. He's a big googly eye fan.

Really? We're already off to a good start. Okay. I love that. We'll do our first date out of Michael's. Okay. Wait, that is so wild that you met famous people on vacation and became like good friends with them.

Friends with them. I wouldn't say probably good. I thought we were good friends. They probably wouldn't classify it as that. And then my father knew somebody who was a casting director who moved from Oklahoma, where I grew up, to L.A. Became a successful casting director. He set me up with a manager who was legitimate and not some weird pedophile. I mean, kept sending me out on four auditions a day.

And I was, so I got very lucky. Yeah, that's nice. That's my point. Like, I started in the time where people were taking their physical headshots, right? Their photos, 8x10s, and dropping them off at agency doorsteps with the hopes that they would look at it and go, hey, he's got a good look. See, let's give him an audition here and see what he does. So I had representation when I moved to L.A. And my mother and father said, focus on this for a year.

Don't worry about getting a job, waiting tables. We want you to, you know, dedicate all your time to this. And if it doesn't work after a year, you're on your own or you come back and finish school, but we can't, you know, we're not going to fund you for longer. That's so nice. I got, I was very lucky. Wait, how many siblings do you have? So I have, uh have two brothers, a sister and a half sister. Oh. Who's my sister as well. Are your parents as supportive of them too?

Are they in the arts or no? No, my older brother still lives in Oklahoma and he works in the information technology space. My younger brother moved out to L.A. to pursue acting, but he works more in the production side of things. My sister is a school teacher in Oklahoma. Oh, that's nice. My sister's also a school teacher and I don't get it.

I don't really like children. How? I think they're like kind and nice and stuff, but like some of them, the ones I nannied, I nannied for a little bit. Lucky you.

But like in a school where it's like a lottery and you get like 30 of them, half of them are going to be trash. I'm sorry. Right? I mean, you got to love children. Yeah. Right.

And I can't because they're like, this isn't being mean. Like they're actually idiots because like you have to teach them stuff. Like they come out so dumb. And then they say the dumbest shit. And you're like, how do I deal with this? I don't know. Wait, do you have kids? I do. I have three of them. I love kids. Kids are great.

You have three kids? They're wonderful though. They're perfect. Three kids? They're not kids anymore. Oh, are they? I mean, two of them kind of are. One is 10. One is 17. Oh. And one is 22. Whoa! You got all fucking kids. That's right. I have full grown adults. You look so young.

May I ask your age no 49 49 well I mean you can just look it up online like I'm gonna try and keep it a secret

I tried so hard to keep my age a secret and then it was just on Wikipedia right and I was like well yeah I'm old I know

you can always deny it it is what it is you can always like Wikipedia it's Wikipedia can people just insert whatever information they want on this page

right I think so but I think you have to like cite your sources like an essay. Oh, okay. I think. I don't know. I thought people could write their own Wikipedia pages, and other people could write for that person as well. Rich, do you know about Wikipedia?

I think roughly that's the concept. User contributions. You know something about this person or this fact. But don't you have to cite your source? Yeah, you cite. And then I think there's another level where other contributors like double check your work and they'll check your cited source so stuff is always like being swapped in and swapped out on that thing yeah so stuff that's not true can get in can get in there yeah but then people will take

it out if they yeah yeah so we could always say well that wasn't really my age yeah that wasn't my age i have my birth certificate. It's like I just hand drew it. I'm like, I'm 12. You can't keep anything a secret nowadays anyway. No. Especially if you're a public figure. And it's terrible.

No, I know. But I also tell all my business anyway. It doesn't matter. Wait, James, I have another question. I'm filled with questions. I love it. So, okay, you wanted to do SNL. Can you do impressions?

Oh, I wasn't ready for that. What comes with the impression question is that you're good at it. But I haven't, I do, but I can't think of anybody that I'm like is my go-to. Oh, okay. I did a McConaughey once on Stephen Colbert that somehow resurfaced recently in the last year and it's in that whole oh, he does a pretty good McConaughey but when you do the obvious ones

I won't make you do it on the spot. I mean, yeah, boy, it's not like I have the little bag of my impressions with me. I'm going to try one and it's going to suck and people are going to go oh, he doesn't do impressions. No, listen. I think it's going to be great.

You can do like a game. You can throw people out and I can try so then it doesn't look like... Cookie Monster. Wow. Cookie Monster was your first go-to. How did you know that that was my wheelhouse? How did you know that that's what got me into Hollywood, was my cookie monster? I just felt it in my bones.

I was like, I think James does a great cookie monster. Boy, you know me. You see a lot. Yeah, I do. You see a lot. That's what it is. Now when you edit this, go back and say, how'd you get into Hollywood? I do an amazing cookie monster.

Amazing cookie monster. Which to the younger generation, they're going're gonna be like who the hell is that who cookie monster is still yes he's part of the sesame street right does the gen zers know what sesame street is i think they do it's still on is it i think It's probably got to be one of the longest running. What is it, like PBS or something? Sesame Street is still running because I gave an award to Sesame Street at the Producer Guild Awards. Oh, good for you. Okay, there we go. So that's, yes. We verified it.

I figured it out. Uh-huh. Yeah. Have you won an award? Oh, God, so many. Really? That's so nice. You know, I try to do things that aren't really award stuff.

I think it gets a little snooty, highfalutie, right? Who wants an award? I don't need validation. Nobody wants awards. This is a subjective art, what I do for a living. I don't need awards. I've won, I think I got a surfboard somewhere. Hell yeah.

Went for like best kiss. Like a teen choice award. Exactly. Oh, I fucking love that. I think I got a surfboard somewhere. Hell yeah. Went for like best kiss. Like a teen choice award. Exactly. Oh, I fucking love that. I think that's it. How funny to make people come to an award show and then be like, you have to take home a surfboard. Yeah.

You gotta carry that shit around to the after party. Somehow it doesn't feel like an achievement. It's very funny and I like it a lot. You get not a lot of people coming up to you and going, can I hold it? Can I hold your surfboard? It's like very cumbersome like it a lot. You get not a lot of people coming up to you and going, can I hold it? Can I hold your surfboard? It's very cumbersome to take a picture with. I'm like, actually, just take it.

Just take it. I don't want it. Take it. It's actually a real surfboard. You can go use it. Please. I haven't won an award where I have to go in person and make a speech.

I've done Zoom speeches. I've won podcasting awards, but never for my acting. Well, I mean, you do some acting in the podcasting world? You have to fake being interested in talking to James Marsden? You've won me over with your Cookie Monster, but also you won me over before you even came in

because I love Sonic that much. Alright, okay. Does Cookie Monster make you sob? Cookie Monster does make me sob because I worry about him. And maybe he's got diabetes. You know, too many cookies. By the way, I don't sound like Cookie Monster.

I don't know who that is. No, but it's really funny. It's just like some old, like 120-year-old Arnold Schwarzenegger. I don't know what it is. It just feels like an old man having a hard time. He's just like, isn't she not okay? He's trying to get up off the couch. He's just not okay at all.

Also, it's a really attractive face I make when I do it too. I'm having some sort of stroke. How did we digress? How did we end up here? Okay, so no awards that you got to give a speech for. I was nominated this year for, which is a new thing for me. I'm not used to that, for Critics' Choice Award for Dead to Me. And I was terrified that I would have to get up and speak.

It was that thing of, I kind of don't want to win, so I don't. You don't want to win just so I don't. You don't want to win. And it was like everyone was getting tested for COVID to go up to the awards. And I was like, I hope I have COVID. Then I don't have to go to the awards. Then I don't have to get up and maybe talk. Have you had COVID yet? Yes.

I didn't like it. It wasn't for me. Yeah. It's not. I mean, I didn't get hit hard with it, but it definitely was annoying. It was annoying because you just have to sit there and not do anything. Yeah. And then I just slept a lot.

And then I'd be so tired and I'd be like, but I'm so tired of sleeping. Right. Which is wild. Wait, okay, James, I have another question, but first let's take a break. Yes, ma'am. James, question. Are you single, married, don't want to say, or? All of the above.

All of the above. All of the above. All right. Single, married, and don't want to say. That's an open book. That was very liberating. Thanks for letting me share that with the world. No worries.

I am single at the moment. Okay. I was married for 11 years. Okay. Stayed very, very close to my ex-wife. See, that's nice. I really like that. Because I have friends who get out of relationships and they're like, I fucking hate them.

And I'm like, but you loved them one point like right and you're speaking so awful about them like what was good about it so I like that yeah I think sometimes people's egos get hurt and feelings get hurt and it's not always I mean we were together for so long and started at such a young age that like over time it was we were we would fight. There was never any big problems. I think just sort of over time, we were putting all our time and energy into our kids. And it just, you know, you have to nurture a relationship. And I was away a lot. And, you know, we just kind of grew apart.

But I'm still over at her house before here. Like I'm over there all the time. So that's nice. But she led the way on that. Like I didn't know how to really be in a relationship. And, you know, her parents were married. She lost her father years back. But beautiful family. Love was the currency in that household.

And she spoke that language. And so I got to hand it to her that she sort of led the way. And I never wanted to have any sort of you know resentment towards any of my exes i have one of the things that i'm very proud of is that all of my exes i still am friends with oh see that's nice yeah because like why not if you can elevate that right because i don't a lot of people say especially if you have kids are like nice for you guys to stay friendly for the kids and i always say yes but also for yourself too for us yeah two people who were in a thing but it also takes two people to to do that right sometimes you know the

depending on the dynamic of the relationship one person just can't do that and the other can't can you know what i mean so it takes two people to go hey let's make this a good thing but like you were a huge chapter of my life and i loved you and we ran into differences or whatever um but you know you're still a part of my life and part of and with my ex-wife it's like we're family it's just a family unit so yeah um um i'm single now i just got out of a pretty long relationship um recently just two different pages about some things in life. And again, nothing combative or bad. But yeah, I'm out there just hitting the clubs.

So you're in these streets. Hitting the clubs. You're careful, people. Nothing like, there's no better look on a 49-year-old than hitting the clubs. Looking for the next lady. I don't know where to look for people. Because I'm perpetually single.

I've famously been single my whole life. I walked out of my mother's pussy and was like, nobody loves me. I'll never find love. This sounds like the self-manifestation. You sort of manifested this yourself. Those are your first words. Jesus. My very first words.

Wow, wow. Nobody loves me. Nobody loves me. But you said it with sort of like elation. It sounded like you're okay with that. Yeah. I guess as a baby, I was okay with it because you can't find love as a baby. No.

But then I grew up. Right, right. And James, it is so hard. Dating sucks. It's, yeah. You've never been on an app, have no i was gonna ask you if you have what a dream for you what a lovely dream apps are truly a hellscape is it's bad it's terrible all of them just the worst people in your location have all converged to be on that app to torment you and be mean to you. Doesn't sound like the purpose.

Sure sounds like counterintuitive to me. For whatever reason, I really haven't met anyone on these apps who is like a good person and nice. Really? Okay, well then that gives me comfort knowing that I haven't gone on there. I think this is maybe one of the reasons why. like don't bother don't bother yeah also i feel like you'd have to sift through a lot of people who aren't here for the right reasons because you're famous so are you i mean i'm moderately famous so am i let's not get ourselves come on uh yeah i guess part of me you know there's still a traditionalist inside of me

and i but maybe i hold on to that too tightly you know like get over it you know and also there was a time it felt like i would and i'm not judging anybody else who was on the app but when they all started like there was an embarrassment of like oh for me anyway it was like absolutely what am i doing i'm like this is like an assembly line of you know i'm swiping right like yeah um but um yeah i just haven't i haven't uh haven't tried it out but i know that there's like different you know there's like raya for celebrities and rich people or whatever and raya is the worst is Is it? I would imagine. It's just, I've said it a hundred times on this podcast. It's just Australian DJs.

And then like models who are like. Right. Who are just like posing so much. That's really specific. Australian DJs. Well, I'm not wanted in that one then. Yeah, I don't. I mean, I've always.

There's very few years of my life where I was out of a relationship I'm a relationship guy Ooh, a serial monogamist Yeah, yeah, I like being in a relationship See, I like the idea of being in a relationship I just can't get anyone to agree to be in one with me I think because you set the tone early when you were an infant child When I walked right out

Coming right out of your mother's I I'll let you finish that sentence. My mama's pussy. What did you say? I don't want to be loved? No, I'm never going to be loved. No one loves me. No one loves me. And then you started, like young children, that's when you learn a language because that's

when it's going to stick is when you're a baby. So you created a mantra. So I cursed myself. Right. Because I see you as a wonderfully radiant, beautiful, charming woman. Thank you. And you should have no problem finding a mate. Oh boy. If you so desire. We should go out and be each

other's wing person. I'm a bad wing man. Really? Illustrate how you would be a bad wing person. Well, because I'll be like, wait, are you flirting with me or you want this one? Which is something I actually, like this guy was in a car and he went hey he was like cat calling me and my friend and i just turned i was like which one me or her who

do you want he was like her and i was like oh okay thank you oh we gotta teach you how to play hard to get i don't i don't know how to do that well yeah that's gonna that's also gonna bring the wrong people too i guess maybe well because everyone's like men like chasing do they do you not real men oh i don't know i mean i wouldn't know because i'm not a real man either i'm just a boy i'm just a boy uh i feel like that's that's a i mean maybe there's something to a and i'm again speaking sort of out of tradition or whatever like pursuing the woman or pursuing whatever your preferences. But men innately, I guess, maybe like chasing. But I don't know.

I feel like you reach a level of emotional maturity. It's not about that, right? You just want to be with somebody who's good and decent and fun. So maybe I should go for old men who are like emotionally mature. I don't know, because I don't know how to play games. I'm bad at it. Yeah.

And I'm very much like, oh, I like you, so can we be together? And they're always like, no, thank you. Get out of my car. Really? Well, not that mean.

Boy, who are these men? Friends of Cookie Monster. You only go on dates with people that catcall you in cars? No. Well, I meet these men on the apps. And I went on a date with, I've told this story on the podcast, but it's okay. I'll tell you because you haven't heard it. I went on a date with someone from Raya and they asked me if I could read their script.

And I was like, this, was this not a date? It was very confusing and I didn't follow up. And then I went on a date with, um, this guy who you can say their names. They don't care. I don't remember their names. I wish I did out them now. I honestly, if I remember this guy's name, I would out him. But, um, I get to the date. I was late. I was 20 minutes late and he was shit-faced. And he kept saying, I don't know who you are, but don't talk about me on your podcast. And I was like, but then you do know who I am.

He's like, no, no. He was one of those. He was the guy that's like, okay, how do I, I'm meeting this beautiful woman who I absolutely know who she is. Maybe I'm a fan, maybe he's a sycophantic fan. How do I disguise that? Well, I'm going to get shit-faced and drink.

And he's the one who's like, you know, there's this weird behavioral thing where some people will go, like, overcompensate because they don't want to look like the one who's overly interested. So I see this when I go home often to oklahoma and i meet friends of my sisters or whatever or whoever and and or i go to a reunion or something and there's always one person that there's a few people that are like oh it's so great to see you you had such success and then there's always one who's like i don't watch tv i'm like wow that's great i didn't ask you if you watch TV.

And I'm like, I'm in movies. Right. Oh, what are you in? I didn't see that. And like, oh,

you're the most affected of anyone. Right. That's because you're overcompensating. So this is probably what that guy was doing. He was probably being like, I don't know who you are. I don't care. You're just a human being.

Go, go, go, go, drink, drink. I don't, you know, and, and't care. You're just a human being. Go, go, go, go, drink, drink. I don't, you know, and like clearly he was completely affected by you and probably maybe a little nervous.

Yeah. But then I rewarded his bad behavior and brought him home. You were like, somebody likes me. I was like, someone likes me even though he won't say he likes me. I'll keep chasing him. Well, that ended up well then, would you say? Because then he insulted me. He was like, because I have a house.

And then he was like, oh, what are you just a rich lady who lives in L.A.? And I was like, are you a boy who needs therapy? Like, what is this? And then I was like, you got to go after we fucked. Because I was like, he came all the way here. So, like, we we gotta do something. Was the insult before or after? Was that post-coital or pre? It was after.

Post-coital, which is like, great. Nice things happen. Okay, now you have to go. That was probably one of the worst dates I've been on from the apps. So this is what you're saving yourself from. Good for you for giving him the benefit of the doubt. Give him like, you know what? You know, sometimes you put the work in and you go, this isn't good.

But the work has been put in. Like once I fucked this dude who was a Trump supporter. I don't know where you lean politically, but he's not from me. But like I drove all the way to North Hollywood. Right. So I was like. Where the Trump supporters live. We're staying here.

Sorry. Nothing wrong with North Hollywood. In fact, supporters live. We're staying here. I'm sorry. Nothing wrong with North Hollywood. In fact, I live there because I love me some Trump. I love Trump. Wow. So you drove all the way to North Hollywood to do this guy. All the way. Did you know he was a Trump supporter before you got there?

I sure didn't. We got into his lukewarm hot tub and he was like, you know, Trump's actually a great businessman. And I was like. Oh, apologist. Yeah. Yeah. And then his mattress was on the floor and then he had a red light and i was like oh apologist yeah yeah and then his mattress was on the floor and then he had a red light and an iguana you know oh my god blinders wow so are all of these uh traits or characteristics on his like does he have a was he uh uh on one of the apps did

you meet him on the app yeah i met him on tinder this is his iguana and his red light and his tepid hot tub. None of that was on the app. Because that's it, right? It's always the best foot forward. If I went on one of those apps, I would put my worst foot forward. What would you write? I don't know, just something.

I would just make myself as average and boring as possible so that if I did finally meet somebody on the app that was appealing and then I was appealing to that person somehow, I would, the element of surprise would come in and I would come in and it would be like, oh, because everybody puts their best foot forward. Yes.

And then they arrive and it's like, oh, you don't look like you do on your page or whatever they call them. Profile? Yeah. You don't. Yeah. You look not as attractive and uh you're oh you didn't talk about your weird small hands and your funny voice

oh yeah you're not showing that stuff are you no yeah no one's showing that stuff right well that's probably the part of the problem my pictures aren't the best pictures of me because i don't want people to go, oh. Well, that's it, right? Yeah, because I don't want to look worse in person. You just put a photo on there that I'm sure you look lovely in the photo. No, I don't. I look like this.

Baloney. No, I'm kidding. I think they look okay. I'll show you my Tinder. Yeah. And is it if you like the person you swipe right? Is that it? Yeah.

So old. It's like right and left. You're just listening to my kids now you swipe right? Is that it? Yeah. So old. It's like right and left. I'm just listening to my kids now going, shut up. You're so old. Do you swipe right? Cookie Monster wants to know. Okay. Preview.

You swipe right if you like them. Okay. So to go through the pictures, you like tap on the right hand side. Okay. Wow. Look at this. A lot of trust here. You're handing me your phone. Don't mind while I dip into your recently deleted photos. I'm side. Okay. Wow, look at this. A lot of trust here. You're handing me your phone.

Don't mind while I dip into your recently deleted photos. I'm kidding. Okay, here we go. Tap, right. Oh, look at you. You look radiant and friendly and kind. Thank you. Oh, dear.

Which one's that one? Yes. Oh, see, I need people to know that I have a huge butt. I mean, fantastic. Fantastic butt. Am I allowed to say that? You can say that. Okay, all butt. I mean, fantastic. Fantastic butt. Am I allowed to say that? You can say that. Okay, all right.

I mean, I literally handed you my phone where I knew there was a butt picture. Okay. Look at you. You're very limber. I can do a full split. You can do a full split on a- And I love Guy Fieri. On an oversized hot dog and an oversized Guy Fieri.

How did you meet the oversized Guy Fieri? How did you get on his hot dog? Someone made that for me, and it made me laugh so hard. And I was like, well, that says a lot about me. I'm wearing a suit, doing a split with Guy Fieri. You look like just a beautiful garnish on top of me. On top of me. I mean, yeah.

Just a weird dollop of ketchup. I'd love an oversized Frank with a dollop of Nicole on top. Well, there you go. Look at me. I'm like Pavlov's dog salivating over here. Okay, wait. I'm supposed to keep going. Look at you.

You're banging. Oh, thank you. That's a hotel room selfie. Hotels have the best lighting in the bathrooms. Okay. Unless they're like a Best Western or a Hilton those are bad yeah right well i've done i'm a celebrity and uh doris by hilton so i can't say anything i'm in a partnership paid partnership very fun so i can't say and uh i think their lighting is just fine uh yeah no that's a good yeah good lighting in the hotel yeah wait so

you're saying that these are not good photos of you? Oh, I have better photos I have photos where I'm like in full glam That somebody else did and stuff Right, but then you don't want to put those on there Well, no, because I don't look like that all the time Well, but you could on the date, couldn't you? If I paid someone to do my makeup, James

It sounds like you're trying to self-sabotage here a little bit Because you look beautiful in these photos Well, thank you And maybe we've got to work on who you're Who you're trying to self-sabotage here a little bit because you look beautiful in these photos. Well, thank you. And maybe we've got to work on who you're allowing to, who you're saying yes to. Oh, my God. What are you, my therapist? I don't know. Here's what my about me says.

Definitely a thought. The happiest out there. I love to tee-hee-hee. Fat yet flexible. Okay. Yeah. That's good, right? Yeah.

That's good vibes right? Yeah. That's good vibes. Thank you. That's good vibes and fun and the photos show all the other, you know, visual appeal. Well, I'm going to read to you now a message that I've gotten from somebody. Like while we were talking? No. Okay. From a couple days ago.

Is this an intimate photo? Because I need to prepare myself. It's not a photo. It's a message from a man days ago. Is this an intimate photo? Because I need to prepare myself. No, it's not a photo. It's a message from a man named Oliver. Hi, I'm Oliver. Nice to meet you. Woo bop, shoo bop, ski bop, black team, shoo bop bop, dee dee.

Some jazz for you. This man's scatting at me. He's scatting for you. Now, is that because on your profile, you said something like tee hee, too too? What did you say? Yeah, but tee hee, he's teehee he's a ha ha ha. It's just a variation of the ha ha ha.

I get it. I didn't know it was just teehee he. I thought it was something else. You were doing some sort of, you know. Well, that explains it. Because I was like, why is this man jazzing at me? Like, why is he scatting? But then I guess teehee he sounds a little bit like jazz.

I mean, yeah, I don't know. I look too far into that but maybe he just was like I'm gonna get her attention Do you think I should respond? Sure what do you respond with? Oh I don't know Like just the whole conversation in scat

I'm gonna say Do Do Do Do Do Do Do

Do Do Do Do Do Do Do Do

Do Do Do Do Do Do Do Do

Do Do Do Do Do Do Do Do

Do Do Do Do Do Do Do Do

Do Do Do Do Do Do Do Do

Do Do Do Do Do Do Do Do Do Do Do Do Do Do Do Do Do Do Do Do Do Do Do Do Bwe Bwe do bop, a do bee bop. Da ba, da bee.

Throw a bwe in there with a B-W-E. Bwe bop, bwe. Okay. That really gets the guys going. Okay, I did it. It really gets them going. I did it, and James, if he doesn't respond to me. You don't, now I speak fluent scat.

Wait. So, I didn't tell you, I just pranked you. What did I say? You said, I didn't tell you. I just pranked you. What did I say? You said, I want to suck your dick. Well, that ain't a prank. If he speaks fluent scat, he's going to be very happy with that response. Okay.

Okay. Oh, well, maybe he's just like, I think some people just try to, you know, like DMs, right? Like some people. I never look at my DMs. You don't look at them? I don't. You have to. Wow.

There's probably some real like freaky people up in there. Yeah. Saying some wild shit. I don't want to look at those. Oh, I guess not. Okay. I don't want to look at those. But there are now people trying to really contact me that I'm like, what?

You're trying to contact me through direct message? I'm so old school. If you have an assistant, you should have your assistant go through them and read to you the funniest ones. Huh? That's not a bad idea. That's not a bad idea.

Cause some of them are probably really funny. I have looked a few times and I also didn't know that below the main ones, there's another thing called hidden. Like there's, there's hidden messages that somehow an algorithm for, you know, Instagram, whatever.

It was like, you don't need to see these. And actually I've had legitimate people with like big followers trying to say hi in the hidden thing. Like I didn't know that. Anyway, so it turns out I know more about direct messages than I thought I did. But I do think that people who are trying to,

I mean, if you know you're a celebrity and I think there are people who are trying to, I mean, if you know, you're a celebrity and I think there are people out there like, how do I get her attention? And you don't want to just say, Hey, I love your podcast. I think you're really sweet.

You're really funny. And it's not like, cause maybe they're thinking you're just going to be like, nah, that's just vanilla and whatever. So I could see the logic or like trying to be funny. Yeah. Yeah.

Like, Hey, because in his mind, So I could see the logic or- Like trying to be funny? Yeah, yeah. Like, hey. Because in his mind, you're going to sit there and go, huh, this guy's having fun. I'm going to respond back. Instead, I read it on my podcast and said, what's going on with this? By the way, the guy absolutely won.

He did. Because here we are talking about it. Wow. Yeah. Oliver won. And now he's going to be like, you spent 30 minutes talking about my text, but you never responded to my text.

But I did. You did just now. I did just now. That's true. I did wait months. He's going to be let down when that's the end of the conversation. Yeah. Poor Oliver.

Poor Oliver. James, we got to take another break. James. Yes, ma'am. Meeting people in person. Do you have like a pickup line? I don't,

I'm not entirely convinced those work. Um, do I have a pickup line? I mean, no, but what, what are some good ones? Uh,

did it hurt when you fell from heaven? I was just going to say some falling from heaven thing. Right? Yeah, I can't remember. Thank God I can't. Rich, do you know any pickup lines? No. Yeah, I'm really trying to think, but no.

The only one I can think of is, Yeah, I don't, I mean, it does never work, right? Do people do them anymore? No. Well, the best pickup line I've ever seen wasn't like a line. My friend Echo Kellum, I've talked about it on other things with him, so I don't think he'll mind me saying it. He pretended to trip in front of a woman and was like oh i'm so sorry and she was like oh it's okay and then talked to him for like 45 minutes and i was watching the whole thing like what how if i ever accidentally tripped in front of someone they'd be like bitch

get out of here right i mean yeah i guess it's just getting somebody's attention and breaking the ice somehow. And hopefully not breaking bones, but tumbling into somebody. Tumbling down, being like, help! Yeah, that's an interesting one. It was the wildest thing I've ever seen. They talked for so long. He got her number. It was nuts.

It is a hard thing to do. Just that first step of conversation. But I do think that now, I feel like if you just double down on wanting to meet that person and just saying hello, I think that's the way to go. Or I could have a pickup line and I could throw myself off that balcony and land on the bar in front of you. And I could do this and I could, but I'm not going to do it. I feel like I'm just going to say hi to you. And then that's enough. Maybe you do the double backwards thing where it's like, instead of having a pickup line, you talk about the fact that you don't.

James! Right? That's pretty good, I think. Yeah, you know? I could say a pickup line right now, but I just want to say hi. I need some sort of crutch to get in with you because I want to talk with you. And then she can be the one or he can be the one to go, baby, all you got to do is say hi.

Are you my therapist? Because you're literally being like, just be a little emotionally vulnerable with these people. Right. Yeah, do it. Yeah, do it. And then like, what are you going to lose? What are you going to lose?

I mean, someone goes, I'm not interested. I'm dating someone. Whatever. Okay, great. Move on. Just move on. Literally move on to the person sitting next to them. That's the deal. Just go down the line of the bar. Yeah, and eventually Literally move on to the person sitting next to them. That's the deal.

Just go down the line of the bar. Yeah, and eventually it's going to work out. You get to the last person, they're like, fine, fine. I heard the whole thing, fine. Yes, and that person will be drunk, you'll be taking them home, and they'll be insulting you. And it'll be great, and I'll love it. And then I'll be like, you actually have to go.

James, I have a question. Okay. What does love mean to you? What does love mean to you? What does love mean to me? How do I answer this without being too earnest and just making everyone fall asleep? What does love mean to me? I mean, it's such a big, broad word, isn't it? I think love means to me,

it is something that you give to somebody that you want to make happy, that you want to care for, and that you hope you get in return. And it's just having those big old feels for somebody. I mean, like, you know, obviously I love my children. That's a certain type of love. But then in a relationship, it's why we're here.

It's like why I believe like, you know, if you want something, you give it. You want money, give it. You want love, you give it.

And I believe that. I do believe that. And it's a hard thing because it's scary, right? Like you got to be vulnerable and you got to give it. And sometimes it's not reciprocated. Yeah be vulnerable and you got to give it and sometimes it's not reciprocated yeah but you're you always got to feel good about yourself even if it's not

because you're doing it the right way you're not trying to control somebody you're not trying to entrap someone you know you're just going hey it feels really good to and scary to be vulnerable but to be kind and decent and loving to somebody that That's nice. Yeah. Are you in therapy? Is that too personal? No, I'm just giving myself therapy here. I mean, this is, you sound truly just like my therapist. I'm like, were you in my session yesterday? Well, you know, we all, like, we're not,

we don't come out as coded as you were. Like, you knew it from the get-go, right? When you came out, nobody loves me. Nobody loves me. You already had a firm, clear definition of what love was. Yes. And you recognized that nobody actually did. Yeah.

I'm fulfilling my own prophecy. But we don't, there's no handbook on all that, right? And love has been a confounding, confusing thing for centuries. Yeah. We still like the dynamic of like, been a confounding, confusing thing for centuries. We still like the dynamic of like, and I always feel like in a relationship, one person always loves the person a little more than the other. Yes, I think so.

And that's gotta, how does that work? Maybe when you get older and emotionally mature relationship, you can have sort of equal. Equal love. Yes. I think about my parents. I think that's the goal and I'm pretty sure

it like it alternated like sometimes my dad would look at my mom in a way that I was like oh he really loves her yeah and then sometimes

she would spend too much money and she'd be like I love that I got to spend that money and he'd be like really mad and she'd be like I love you so it's not conditional for her no

not at all not conditional whatsoever as long as the money as long as the greenbacks keep coming she is in love the greenbacks keep coming, she is in love. The greenbacks.

But yeah, it's a big scary thing, isn't it? I mean, it can hurt you, cut you deep. Oh, yeah. And it can also just be the reason you wake up in the morning, that you feel loved and to give that love. That sounds so nice. All I want to do is like wake up, roll over and be like, oh, my God, this person loves me. Right, right. And then you go like, oh, give a kiss. I'm like, oh, yeah. It's like your breath is really fucked up. And I'm like nice. All I want to do is like wake up, roll over and be like, oh my God, this person loves me. Right, right. And then you go like, oh, give a kiss.

I'm like, oh, you're morning breath. It's like your breath is really fucked up. And I'm like, I know. But I'm still in love. Yeah. I mean, I try to, I don't like to think of a life where love is absent from my life. Yeah. It sounds depressing and sad.

Well, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it makes me sad to think that people are out there that aren't loved or that don't understand what that is, that they didn't have a parent to define what that is for them at a young age, I don't know. Or a partner that can make them, you know, see what it means to feel loved. The more I think about what I want in a partner,

I'm like, well, first I want them to be nice to me. Second, I want them to really love all the dumb shit I do. Like I went on a date with this dude and we were crossing the street and there was a dolphin, like a dolphin hedge that had been cut. Do you know what I mean? Topiary, yeah.

Oh, that's a good word. I love topiary. A topiary. Speaking of love. A dolphin topiary. A topiary. Speaking of love. A dumb and topiary. And as we were crossing the street, I was just like, ah! I would have loved that. And he was like, can you stop?

And I was like, okay. But how great if you did that and he just looked at you and went, do the same thing back. That's all I want. I'm looking for someone to be like just as dumb as me. Yeah. But like who's the fucking serious guy that thinks that that's a bad thing? So many.

Oh, boo. I've been on so many dates where I do dumb shit and they're just like, okay. No, you just keep, don't you change your course. You just keep doing that because that's, you're going to find the person that's like, and then once you find that person, you don't have to use the English language. No,

you just speak dolphin speak and it can be interpreted, whatever you want. So you're never going to offend anyone. You're never going to actually say you love them, but they're going to think you're saying, you're saying they love them. That's it. And then your nuptials are here at the, you're at the altar and like you dolphin, take this dolphin. And you're saying they love them right that's it and then your nuptials are you're at the you're

at the altar and like you golf and take this dolphin and you're like right that's what i want that would be beautiful okay here's another thing that a man did to me i went on a date with this dude he asked me what my birthday was and i said august 29th same day as mich Jackson but only one of us still celebrates and then I left really hard the way I just did because I still think it's funny and he went you can keep that one and I was like okay oh boy geez he's a big Michael Jackson fan who lives in North Hollywood and has an iguana you really can't pick them really can't pick them. You can't pick them. I would have laughed at that.

Thank you. I thought it was funny. Come on. I would tell you if there were red flags here and there are not. So there is extreme hope and not even hope. It's going to happen. Oh, I hope so. I kind of feel like now you're just like, are you doing this for your podcast?

You're just trying to stay single. You can have any guy you want to. No, I can't. I've tried. I've so. I kind of feel like, now you're just like, are you doing this for your podcast? No. You're just trying to stay single. You could have any guy you wanted. No, I can't. I've tried to capture. Don't say capture and hold your hands that way. Maybe that's what's making them run. I'm trying. I've really tried to capture a man, but I can't seem to grip them tight enough.

My nails are too long. It's hard. I found the first flag. Yes. Okay. Okay. There's my one red flag. Give them some individual space, a little breathing room, retract the claws.

Uh-huh. Okay. Retract my claws. Loosen my hands and say, nice to meet you. There you go. Okay. There we are. No, but I would still do the podcast if I was dating someone, I think.

I like exploring. I like hearing about love. It makes me, what's the word? It makes me feel feelings. It makes me happy. Do you remember your first relationship? Boy, when was that? 1943.

1943. Right after the war i had i've been very lucky in my relationship my life um and unlucky in the sense that they've all ended listen my therapist says that relationships ending isn't a failure on you because you've learned something from it and i was like absolutely bitch that's good because you're not a failure on you because you've learned something from it. And I was like, bitch, that's good. Because you're not a failure. You're learning. No, it's also like there can be seasons in your life for certain people. And, you know, this person was good for you in your life at this point in your life while you were going through this or whatever.

And then, you know, it evolves and changes. And sometimes it evolves in a greater way. And sometimes it becomes, you know, you reach, you know, the end of the road. But it doesn't necessarily mean it. Like you said, it's not a failure. It's not. But, yeah, I remember my first relationship was in high school. My girlfriend in high school. And it lasted about three and a half years.

Dang. And we were very, I can't talk about this because she didn't consent to me talking. Then that's great. Right. But it was very pure and very good and very loving.

And then I moved to LA. And she was a year behind me, so I went to college and she was still in high school. Again, time together is important. I think so. Yeah. I think that's really important.

And trying to figure out time. If you're traveling, it's like, do we FaceTime at a certain time every day or whatever? Yeah. Working, I don't know how I would do a relationship. Because it's like you get to set at like 6 a.m. sometimes. Yeah. And then you got to nap during lunch. Right.

Of course. Who doesn't nap during lunch? Yeah. We were calling your. And then you got to nap during lunch. Right. Of course. Who doesn't nap during lunch? Yeah. You're calling your significant other. I love a nap during lunch. And you get back to set and you're like, I'm just waking up. Yeah, yeah. Can we not start with my coverage?

Yeah, you're doing a close-up first. Yeah. I mean, I, well, and I had relationships. Most of my relationships were pre-FaceTime, but FaceTime can save a relationship now. It's nice. Yeah. I mean, It's nice. Yeah. I mean, it's great. I'm on location in Canada or wherever the hell I am,

and I get to see my kids on my phone or my laptop. It's great. So that can help relationships for sure. But yes, time together is important. And then kind of just, I have to say, just being honest with who you really are in a relationship. Like warts and all, flaws and all, like that's important.

Because, you know, whether you're prepared for it, because the downside is the fear that they're not going to like that, right? And like none of us want to get rejected. No, being rejected is terrible. Yeah, but if we need to be, I feel like we need to get to a place where we're okay with it.

Well, my therapist and I are working on, it's not, nothing's ever personal when you're being rejected. Sure, they're rejecting you as a person, but it's not because of you as a person. It's because they want something else from somebody else and it has nothing truly to do with you, which is hard for me to understand because I'm the main character.

Everything is about me in my life. Right, right. It needs to, yeah. I mean, we are by nature somewhat egocentric, right? I think the word that gets thrown around nowadays too loosely is narcissistic. And I don't think that, I think that's a clinical, right? There's a difference between being a full clinical narcissist and someone who's egocentric. And, you know, our egos can, you know, they need to be fed and they can be hurt.

And that's okay because that's part of it. That's part of it, too. But, yeah, you got to make sure you surround the rest of that with, you know, that can't be the sole reason why you're in a relationship. It's just validation. No. Oh, my God. And that way, I don't know. I don't know what I'm talking about. No. That, my God. And that way, I don't know. I don't know what I'm talking about.

No. That's good. You said the sole reason to be in a relationship isn't for validation. Right. And I think that's a very, very good thing. Sure. And because if that becomes the centerpiece of the relationship, whether it's dating stages or long term, then it's like none of the other facets of the relationship are getting watered. You know, they're not getting attention.

Yeah. It's got to be a whole fully well-rounded thing. Right. It can't just be about it. And then also, if you manage to balance all of that out, in my opinion, then it's less harmful when somebody does reject you or they say that, oh, this isn't for me. Because then it's not like, oh, well, I'm not for anyone. Right? Like we always think, like, what can I change about myself to make that guy like me?

And like, boy, oh, boy, I've been there. Right. Well, and then maybe, you know, then maybe, I don't know, I think you just, if you start putting up facades and like pretending to be something you're not. Well, then that's too hard because then it's just like, like if I tried to pretend that i was a quiet person who wasn't very strange and didn't do weird shit at home i would be no dolphin speak i would go crazy i'd be like i don't i don't know who i am now well i think that's going to be the ingredient for your success in a relationship is that you don't you resist the urge to alter yourself who you are to appease somebody, what you think that they want. Yeah.

Like you got to just be yourself. I think so. Especially if you're a great, wonderful human being like you are. Just lead with that. Say more. And you're going to attract the right person. Thank you. Yeah.

Okay. Here's a question. What's the most romantic thing you've ever done? Oh boy. I am. I really am a romantic person by nature um i love being in love do you like receiving flowers uh me receiving flowers of course okay yeah um i i think the most romantic i can't cite an exact example, but to me, it's, to me, the most romantic you can be is you got to just see the thought behind it all, right? Like the idea that your partner is thinking about you when it's not Valentine's Day and it's not your birthday.

And it can come in the form of not chocolates and flowers and whatever. It can be like, hey, I know you were stressed about this. And so I took your car and got it washed or like, I don't know, like something like, I know you, you know, when our kids were growing up, it was like, I know you were exhausted. And you were going to get up with the baby. I got up with the baby and let you sleep. I mean, like that, like loving and caring the person you're with and wanting them to feel like, oh my God, you just did the most, the simplest thing sometimes can be the

most loving, beautiful thing, you know? So, and now clearly I haven't ever done something like that because I can't think of an example, but it's a nice concept, isn't it? It is a nice concept. Being thoughtful. I'm an actor. I'm too egocentric. I got to make it about myself. But I love it when people do romantic things for me. No, I love being romantic.

I mean, I love making people feel special. And maybe I just do it so much that I can't think of an example. See, that's nice. I like that. You're just so romantic all the time that you have no examples. The most romantic thing I've ever done was go to the Burbank airport, go through TSA just to have dinner at Guy Fieri's burger bar. It's a burger bar? It's not a hot dog bar?

No, it's a burger bar. It's not a hot dog. I saw a giant hot dog. Well, wait, maybe they do have hot dogs. Oh, interesting. I don't know. Wait, say that again. You went to the Burbank airport to meet a guy. So I was dating this guy and we kept talking about eating at Guy Fieri's restaurant, but

the only restaurant he has in LA is at the Burbank airport. So I bought us refundable tickets to Salt Lake City. So we go through TSA and we wore flames. That's great. And we ate at the restaurant and then just left the airport. We even valeted the car. Did you get the miles back in your account for the flights? Yeah, I just had to be on the phone for like five minutes

and be like, oh man, we missed our flight. That's great though. Yeah. Just to eat at his airport restaurant. Yeah. Now why did that fizzle out? Well, you don't have to answer that if you don't want to. You don't have to answer that if you don't want to. You don't have to answer that.

That's great. That's what a great, what a great story. I'm a serial, like I will, if I'm, if it's early stages and I'm into somebody, I will have tunnel vision. To the point where it's almost default. Like the rest of my life gets, you know. That's how I get, I go, I'm going to marry this person.

That person will be like, oh, this has been really nice. I'm flying off to, you know, other side of the world now. I'll come with you. That's how I am. And I will. I'll just book my flight and show up, you know. But like I'm not good at being cool. Me either.

I'm not good at being cool. I'm very crazy. Oh, I will say this about the end of that relationship. He like broke up with me at an ice cream shop. And I was like, this is sneaky. You know a fat woman's not going to hold ice cream and cry. Did you tell him that? No.

Oh my God. He might have stayed. The whole time I was like, oh man, I can't have any emotion here. This is where fat people are traditionally happy and he was just so and he's like if i take her to baskin robbins or whatever she won't cry and then i won't go okay and take her back right yeah i think that was the plan wow that's wild a lot of thought that went into that maybe it wasn't because it was my favorite ice cream place so maybe he was just trying to be nice.

Right. But in my brain, I was like, don't think you want me to show any emotion. Because you're not going to cry. You can't be a fat lady crying with ice cream. Because everyone's staring at you and be like, you have to be happy. I mean, I would have loved it if you just said that right when he did break up with you or tried to. You did this by design, didn't you? You brought me here.

I've got my triple stack scoop here. And then he's like, yes, I really I have to go. So then you go. I actually I'm glad you did this because it made me realize that you're the wrong person. Because if you had any backbone at all, you would break up with me like a man. You would break up with me at a T tender greens where a fat woman with a salad crying something you could see more and then you would have been still okay with that

and you would have been supportive and we still were parted ways and you wouldn't have been a simp and going like okay I'll stick around now I have like just bad feelings about that ice cream place right you associate negative emotions with that man he doesn't deserve that that

that whole that occupies space in your heart and your head yeah get out yeah that's me removing him boy i'm going to be looking for somebody for you because you're fantastic really yes of course hey hey i'm going to make sure they can talk dolphin and scat by the way scat am i saying that right yes because all of a sudden it sounds dirty. Well, there's two different types of scat. I think that's why. There's jazz scat and porn scat. That's why.

That's why. Which is kind of funny that they have the same name. Yeah, because they're wildly different. Yeah. I think. I mean, I don't know about the porn scat. I don't know what that is. You don't know what that is?

Do you want me to break it down for you? It's cheating on someone. Okay, I knew it had something to do with the yucky stuff. Yuck, yuck, yuck, you got it. But yeah, I only feel weird saying it when I don't say scatting. Because scatting is a little jazzy. But then if you kind of cut that in half and just say scat, it's like, that sounds dirty. So maybe it is scatting because it's the act of the scat. I don't know.

But if you say, can you scat? Is that accurate? If you're asking someone if they can scat in because it's the act of the scat. But if you say, can you scat? Is that accurate? If you're asking somebody if they can scat in a jazz way? I think it has to be in a jazz setting. Right. But if it's not a jazz setting, you can take it either way. Right, right. We lost your audience when we started talking about jazz.

Jazz scatting. I can't listen to this anymore. No more. Go back to shitting. I want to hear more about them shits. Right. We were just getting to a good place.

James, I want to talk to you before you go about Jury Duty, which is an eight-part series on Freebie. And you play yourself. And I watched

the first episode. It's really funny. Oh, thank you. And very endearing. I can't remember the guy's name who plays the non-actor. He's so adorable.

He's such a sweet guy. You better believe my favorite part is the next day where he was like, I watched Sonic and it's a great movie. I mean, yeah, quick setup. This show is like from the creators of The Office. And it's basically not a prank show, but it's similar in a sense that we're basically creating, manufacturing a fake world in jury duty, all these people serving jury duty, but it's me playing myself.

The rest of the cast is brilliant, like young improv artists. And one guy that doesn't know that the whole thing is fake. It's like the Truman show, but on serving, serving jury duty. So for three and a half weeks of this man's life, which is something that occurred to me after the first week, I was like, I wonder if this is morally right to do. But the joke is not on him. We're not pranking him. We're not turning the screws to him. We're creating a hero's path for this guy

by surrounding him with a bunch of weirdos and a sort of heightened version of myself. I play a very self-invol a sort of heightened version of myself. I play a very like self-involved Hollywood, you know, Hollywood version of me that assumes that everybody wants to talk about my roles, you know, but it's great. You just, it was a high wire act. Like nobody knew what this guy was going to say, what he was going to do, how he was going to react to certain things.

And at the end of it, I don't want to spoil it, but it's like a celebration of this guy's character, you know, but it's fun. It's a fun journey getting there, right? Because I get to be an outrageous jackass version of myself and do crazy stuff. But yes, the first day that he came in, we planted a woman to come and ask for a photo with me, an actress.

And I have to pretend, oh, sure, sure, sure. And she hands him the phone and he takes the photo and starts a conversation with him. I start saying, thanks for doing that. But he goes, I knew i recognized you from something and and then i somehow brought up sonic because i saw someone's sock that looked like it said sonic on it and he's like oh were you in that movie and i go yeah yeah and he goes oh i didn't see it because i heard it was terrible which is very funny to say comedy goal your face Yes, it was perfect. I heard it was terrible.

And it's funny because it's whispered and it's just like, yeah, I heard it was terrible. Right, yeah. And poor guy. Like now he's like, ah, that was not the right thing to say. Now that he knows it's all fake. But it was great because it would be not as funny if he was like, oh, I'm a big fan of it. Anyway, yes, comes back the next day and he's like, I saw it last night. You're great.

You didn't tell me Ben Schwartz was in it. It was perfect. And I was like, did you rent it or buy it? And he's like, oh, I rented it. I'm like, oh, okay. And he's like, why? Well, because if you bought it, I would have gotten a dollar. I mean, just had the idea of doing it. Like I love Christopher Guest, like all of the improv, Larry David, the structure of

having an outline of the scene. And then you just kind of got to shoot from the hip and be ready and go with the flow of how it happens. I loved it from a comedy perspective. I loved wanting to explore that. It's really funny. Yeah, it's it's it's it's it's hard. The hardest thing about the show was if we go too big with the absurdity, the jokes, he's going to know that. Yeah, he's going to know.

He's going to be like, what is this? Because it was, I wonder if he had any questions about why there was cameras there. Well, so he's told from the beginning that there is a, you know, low budget documentary being filmed

about jury duty that's going to end up on public broadcast. There you go. And of course, I'm like, this is my livelihood. Excuse me. I didn't sign up for this. And like, I got an Oscar to win my livelihood. Excuse me. I didn't sign up for this.

And I got an Oscar to win. Step back. I don't need to be on some dumb documentary. Anyway, so that's why he sees the cameras and he's interviewed by them occasionally because he thinks it's just a documentary. But there are hidden cameras as well all throughout the three, four weeks. And we get sequestered into a hotel and there's hidden cameras there. But again, we're not trying to make this guy humiliated or feel embarrassed. It's just like we're actually surrounding him with all these weirdos and seeing if he can become this, you know, have his sort of 12 Angry Men moment at the end.

He's sort of uniting everybody. And he did. And the guy's like such a great human being. And like I told the producers that I can't just once we lift the curtain I can't say see ya adios I'm like I gotta

I wanna hang out with this guy because you've forged friendships and relationships over this whole time and like we still hang out we went and got a beer

last week no that's so nice yeah no I just couldn't do that to a human being because I don't you know

at the end of the day you're celebrating this guy but it's a weird way to do it. It's a very weird road to go. You're like, bye, I'll never see you again. And it's like, no, no, we actually, I like you. You're a good person. Why not see each other?

Wait, have you done jury duty? I have. I haven't. No? Lucky you. They keep sending me notices and I keep throwing them away. What are they going to do, arrest me? I'm realizing that the people who have not served jury duty

are the ones who are doing just that. Now, I'm not trying to advocate for that, but I was the good citizen. I was like, okay, I'll go do it. And I didn't try to get out of it. Can't do it. Rich, have you done jury duty? No. Have you ever gotten the letters?

I'm a good boy. I get the letters and then I follow through and call. No, he's not. No, he's not. No, he's not. He's burning and he's throwing them away. He just doesn't want to get in trouble with the government. Come on. They're all right here in my bag.

Well, I mean, like, what are they going to, are they going to come arrest me one day? I don't know. Rich, do you know? Are they going to come get me? I don't know. I don't think so. I'm sure you've got some people on the, some of your listeners that work in that government branch. Yeah, let me know

when we get arrested soon. Right. Oh, you're throwing them away, are you? Guess what? I just don't want to go. I don't want to do it. Well, I don't, I mean, if I wasn't,

if I didn't have work obligations or things like that, I'd be like, sure, as long as it's not like a three-month-long murder trial or something, right? Well, I also make bad personal decisions in my life,

like someone else's livelihood. I think you could say that to the judge when you're going through voir dire. Voir dire is the jury selection process where they're asking questions if there's any reason you could, are you going to be biased in this situation? I think if you just plainly said that,

they'd probably let you go. Oh. I make bad decisions in life. And just be vague. You don't have to get more specific than that. I'd be like, I make bad choices. I once funked a Trump supporter in North Hollywood. Can I go home? Tell that story. But be careful

in Hollywood if you tell that story because here's my experience on jury duty. I walked into the courthouse and there was a wall of signed 8x10s on the wall of people who have served jury duty there before. So I thought, oh, I'm fucked. Because they're going to go, oh, we like celebrities here. We don't care if you have a bias or not.

You're staying, fella. And I sat down and answered the questions honestly. I wasn't trying to get out of it. And I was shocked. In the middle of the opening argument from one of the attorneys, in the middle of it, he turned to me and goes, and by the way, I love everything you've done. And I turned to the judge and went,

aren't I going to be a distraction? Shouldn't I go home? And I just realized, like, nope, he wants that, you know, that 8x10 up on the wall. That is so funny. I was like, this is a government building, and there's signed headshots. There's John Ratzenberger. God, that's so funny. My defendant did not murder. I love everything that you do. Anyway. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, so anyway, it was a very Hollywood moment. That's funny. But yeah, I was like, I'm up for it.

I want to serve my civic duty. I don't. You know what? No. No. Just don't. Can't do it. If you do get called, I would encourage you to say what you just said. Okay, perfect. I make bad decisions in life. Don't go into the iguana and the tepid hot tub in North Hollywood. I just make bad decisions. You don't want me here.

Right, and don't say Trump supporter because, you know, you might get the judge. It's like, oh, really? That's a very good choice. Guess who's staying put for a few months? Well, James, we have reached the end. No. And this is a question. This is another relationship of mine that's ending.

Please don't. Sorry. And I'm going to bring out some ice cream for you. No. Okay. I ask most of my guests this, but sometimes I forget. I'm truly such a looney tune sometimes. Okay.

Would you date me? Would I date you? If it's not evident by this point in the conversation, I mean, it's clear. Of course I would. Oh, I love hearing that. And I was not, there was no praise singing because I felt like I needed to.

No, you're a lovely human being. Well, sometimes people just say things and you're like, I don't know if you actually think I'm lovely. Yeah, those days are my rear view. I like being honest. And you are a catch. Absolutely would date you. James catch. Absolutely a date.

James, thank you so much. Okay. So here's how I end. Where are we going? Where are we going? We're going to Guy Fieri's at Bob Hope Airport, baby. Yeah, I can buy the tickets. They're only like $140.

I got the flame shirts. I do. I have multiple flame shirts at my house. Okay, so you haven't burned them yet? They're actually just fake flames? I love flames. I think multiple flame shirts in my house. Okay, so you haven't burned them yet? They're actually just fake flames? I love flames. I think they're cool. Okay.

You have one of these cars. Don't tell me you have a Volkswagen Beetle with flames on the side. That is the icon that I use on my Venmo, which is really funny that you say that. I'm not kidding. What, a Volkswagen Beetle? Yes. With flames on it. I'm not kidding.

No way. It is wild that you said that. On your what? On my Venmo. Oh, see, I thought you'd never notice that I was tracking you down that way. You've got to be fucking kidding me. No. Wow.

Isn't that wild? I can't believe you said that specific car with flames. Yep. Oh, maybe because you have one on your shoulder there. Because I was like, that's going to be too coincidental. But you also have like an old, you know, MG on there too. I could have said that. Yeah, there's a bunch of little cars.

I swear I didn't say that because maybe that's just... You're stalking me? Well, or some sort of... Maybe. Maybe you're the one. Maybe? Maybe. I am wearing the dumbest sweater I own, I think.

Are those the Chevy gas station cars? You know, the ones that are alive? That old promo back in the day? Oh, yeah. I don't know. It looks like it, yeah. Where does one buy these? eBay.

Okay. And you said this is the dumbest one? eBay, Etsy, and then Depop. Or Depop. Oh, right. Depop, yeah. I just buy a lot of old shit

that's weird. I think you're not being truthful I think you have a weirder sweater than that I'm really trying to think well this I think it's weird cuz it's got like the actual googly eyes on it yeah I'm trying to think I have pandas cats mm-hmm I bought a like a red sweater with little what are they? Scotties? Like little dogs. Scottish terrier dogs?

Yeah, because I read somewhere that men like red, so I bought a red vest with dogs on it, and I was like, all the men are going to love me in this. I'm starting to think you're doing leg work you don't need to do. You're looking up what colors men like, sweaters that men like to get someone's affection, and I don't need to do. You're looking up what colors men like, what colors sweaters that men like

to get someone's affection. And I don't think you need to go there. I really don't. How do you, I just don't know how you trick them into like. You wear the opposite of red. Maybe. Brown?

What is the opposite? Red, blue, I guess. Blue would be the opposite. Or green. Okay. Yeah, just start thinking opposite. Okay. But again, don't be playing games

you be yourself oh yeah I forgot I'm being myself no games but like throw out the you know the whatever the manual okay throw out the manual I've helped you zero today I think you've helped me some have I yes throw out the manual be myself yes

continue to wear a dumb sweater yeah do it yeah I think so okay James this is how I end the show with reading dirty messages where people hit on me and if you want to send a message it is why won't you date me podcast at gmail.com this person said Nicole

I want you to fist my bussy raw make an identical clone of me you'll slip your dainty little feet, ew, through our thoroughly loosened b-holes and make us your hottest new fuck me pumps. Wait, what? I'm going to wear people as shoes? Okay, with the power and confidence you get from being so tall, you'll find a partner who will immediately swoon over you and beg to marry you on the spot. After your honeymoon and into your first days of wedded bliss,

you'll take off your fuck me pumps. Oh, me and my clone. So I am wearing people's shoes. And settle into bed happily with your partner. As you sleep, me and my clone will make out in your closet because loving yourself is the second most important thing in the world. It takes priority after getting Nicole Byer a partner. This is wild.

Yeah, just run-of-the-mill message there. It's not as bad as the worst one. The worst one was someone wanted to turn me upside down and fill me with clam chowder. Oh, again. You had such a visceral reaction to that.

I didn't see it, but I just want to know what kind of clam chowder but me either we don't want to get bogged down by semantics different types of clam chowder well that's very creative i have to give them points for that and i will say this for people thinking about writing one yeah you can write them a little shorter they're getting pretty long yeah starting to feel a little self-indulgent. Half a page, boy, oh boy. By the way,

am I supposed to comment on this or this is just you doing this by yourself? You can comment on it. Okay, all right, okay. Did you like it? I mean, very creative. I don't know what a bussy is.

What is that? A bussy is a butt. It's like a butt pussy. Oh, okay, okay. Yeah, yeah. What makes it, what brings the, I'm such a dad.

What brings the P word element to the B part of it? I think it's like gay men. Oh, okay. Fuck in the butt. Okay, gotcha. So then, you know. Got it, got it, got it, got it. But a bussy.

Gotcha. I think that's what it is. Sounds right. No, you're right. Okay, good. Sounds right. Oh, he's a aficionado over here. We have a fact check.

He gets it. Thank you, Rich. He gets it. And with just the right clam chowder. Good Lord. Well, James, that's it. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you.

Thank you for having me. That was delightful. Was it? Did you have fun? I had a great time. Okay, good. I could do this for hours. Really?

Yeah. Well, let's start again. No kidding. Here's your ice cream. No kidding. All right. ice cream. No kidding. All right. Bye-bye. Bye.

That's it for Why Won't You Date Me? With me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me? is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solo-Taroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a treat. What a dream. This has been a Team Coco production.