Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Stories from Nicole's Road Dog (w/ Christi Chiello)

Episode Date: January 6, 2023

Comedian and Nicole's opener Christi Chiello joins the podcast to discuss having 5 of her ex-boyfriends come out as gay, why theatre kids are so horny, and crazy stories from touring together. Nicole reminisces about the time she fell down a man's staircase. Write to Nicole! Submit your dirty pick-up lines, dating stories, or questions to [e-mail] for a chance to have it read on-air. Black Lives Matter.  Click here for an updated list of over 100 different things you can do to support racial justice.   Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could come in my conditioner and say it's extra nutrients for my hair. My guest today...

My guest today is a hilarious comedian and co-founder of the Laughter Collective. She is my opener when I go on tour. I call her my road dog. That little arf you heard is Christy Cello. What an introduction. I am not used to you introducing me. That was the first time you've introduced me because I always bring you up. That is correct.

That is very funny. I'm your road dog. Arf, arf. You are my road dog. And you said the funniest thing. There was this host that we hated in Indianapolis. I don't care. I'll say the city.

Who cares? She's terrible. She was not kind. No. But she like she was rude to like audience members and you very seriously turned around, looked at me and Sasheer and went,

don't send, oh God, what did you say? What did I say? Oh, oh, don't send a road puppy to do a road dog's job. I don't know if anybody else is going to find that funny, but it was the funniest thing I'd ever heard in my whole life. Don't send a road puppy to do a road dog's job. I mean, Christy, you make me smile so much.

Okay, so this is a relationship podcast, so we can't just talk about all the fun we have. Okay. But you have a wonderful joke about how one of your exes ended up being gay. Oh, yeah. And then you, what is the joke? Oh, gosh. Is it out and about? Do you want to tell it? Oh, yeah, of course.

So I've had not one, but five ex-boyfriends that are gay. I'm the problem. And the joke is like, there's a couple different parts, but it starts with like, oh, I can't go to a gay pride parade because I'll run into an ex. But my favorite part is one of my exes, and this is true, he drove a Fiat. A Fiat, yeah. And that's the only car small enough to fit with him in the closet. And I think that's a good joke. And my favorite part about the joke is the audience goes, aw.

Audiences just feel sad for me. And it's like, is this comedy? Is this a sad play? Nobody knows what they're in store for when I hit the stage. It makes me laugh so hard when the crowds are just like, too sad! I don't like it!

But honestly, I think it's a very, very well-written joke and funny. Thank you so much. That means a lot to me. Oh, shut up, Christy. You know I think you're so fucking funny. I think you're so fucking funny. I think you're so fucking funny, and we do have so much fucking fun. And this is a thrill to be here, Whoopi.

This is a real thrill to be here on your podcast. I gotta tell you, I'm so happy to be here. Well, Christy Chalo, thank you for being here. Okay, so we've known each other for... Too long. 162 years. We met in Coolidge. Coolidge. If you want to call it Coolidge. Also,

I should say, we are recording this in December and I have a case of the COVID. Nicole's got the Rona. I can't even believe it. And you sound so good. You're in such good spirits. Thank you. Here's where I think I got it from. This can't even believe it. And you sound so good. You're in such good spirits. Thank you. Here's where I think I got it from. This place called Club TG.

It's this bar that I've mentioned on a previous episode where this lady was rude to me. She, okay, I'll tell the story again. You have to. I'll tell it a hundred times. Okay, so it's Club TG in Atwater Village. What a name. I know. It's a terrible times. Okay, so it's Club TG in Atwater Village. What a name. I know, it's a terrible name. Terrible bar, too.

So I was waiting for a drink. I was waiting for hours for a drink. Six hours I was waiting for a drink, Christy. And then I finally got one. And then I was like, well, I better try to order my second one now since it took me six whole hours. So then I waited eight hours for my next drink. My blonde, pretty, beautiful friend went outside, came back in. And when she sat down, after I waited another eight hours for my drink,

the bartender turned around with her short, nasty, choppy black hair. I turned to my beautiful blonde friend and said, what do you need? And then she was like, oh, actually, my friend has been waiting. So I ordered my drink. And then she turned around and granted, I, my friend has been waiting. So I ordered my drink. And then she turned around. And granted, I didn't wait. I don't wait. And I said, oh, my God, it's so funny that she came to you first, my beautiful blonde

white friend. And then she turned around and she was like, you have to wait at a bar sometimes. And I was like, no, that was definitely implicit bias. Like, I'm dressed like shit. You don't think I have money. And you didn't want to wait on me. And she was like, no, that's not it. And then she threw my money at me

and she slammed my drink down. And then my other white friend got a drink in like 60 seconds after that. So I hate Club Gigi. I hate that brunette monster. Yes, fuck that. I will talk about her for the rest of my life. And I think that's where I got COVID.

Oh, shit. Just from being at the bar that night or from this monster? I think I got it from this monster. Oh, shit. Just from being at the bar that night or from this monster? I think I got it from this monster. And honestly, I was not, I did not interact with her long enough for it to like actually get to me. But I like to think that one little angry spittle flew over the bar right into my mouth. I'm so happy you spoke up for yourself. Well, I was like, this is

literally implicit bias at work. Like, you don't think, I literally look like shit. I was wearing a hat. I was wearing a hoodie. I looked very bad. I wasn't a full face of makeup because I came from work, but that's disarming to some people. They go, okay, she can't afford a wig. She's not wearing

one. She can't afford anything but a hoodie. She looks like shit. She can't afford clothes. She doesn't afford a wig. She's not wearing one. She can't afford anything but a hoodie. She looks like shit. She can't afford clothes. She doesn't have shoes on. She's wearing paper bags and shoes. She's just wearing a big old barrel. She's nasty. She looks like Donkey Kong.

Doesn't he wear a barrel sometimes? I think he jumps on barrels. He picks them up and smashes them. That's what you should have done to this monster behind the bar. I should have. I hate her. Wait, Christy. Yeah.

So we went to musical theater school together in New York City. I feel like you had boyfriends through musical theater school. Yeah, those are two. I had two boyfriends who are now of the homosexual persuasion. Yeah, I dated at, oh, do we name the school? I dated at the school. We can name the school AMDA. I call it SCAMDA.

You were smart. You didn't do the full two years. You said, better get out of here. I left that. I left, but you know what? I dropped out, like, middle of third. Like, I couldn't have stayed 20 minutes to complete it. Like, I was towards the end.

I don't know why I didn't leave sooner, but it was a scam. It's a huge fucking scam. And not to speak ill of a school that people are currently attending, but they were like, you can't audition. And I was like, what do you mean we can't audition?

The whole thing is like, don't we want to go audition and get a job? Yeah, they had a rule that we weren't allowed to audition while we were in school. It was just, it was misleading. They make it seem like it's this this prestigious like professional academy and it is very far from that so i was misled i think i just would have rather than be like hey we're gonna have fun dance around in circles and honestly you could look out any window of your dormitory and you can see people fucking there so when we lived at the fucking um stratford arms like we faced other like rooms in the in the

strat and we there was this like tall redhead kid who would be fucking every night he went to the school yes and we would turn out the lights and watch this kid fuck every single night it was wild i mean you gotta watch if it's happening i'm watching it i don't care who you are i don't care if you're not gonna pull down blinds like let me let me pull up a chair in the popcorn because you are num num num you are putting on a show that was like another thing about amda it was i mean i guess you could fuck at any old college but it felt so unruly like i felt like everybody was fucking and i was like whoa whoa whoa whoa there's an element to like feeder kids that were very touchy-feely as it is. And so I think put a bunch of, like, horned-up, like, actors in a building and we're just touching each other constantly.

Yeah. There was, like, because we had to do, like, morning warm-up stuff where it where it's like trace the spine of your fellow student. It's like, okay. And they like made you moan. So we'd be like, oh. And then like tremor, shake your whole body on top of each other. We're all just having orgasms every morning at 8 a.m. I never went to morning warm-up.

It was too dang early. And I'm here to tell you, they used to say this. They used to go, to be on time is to be, no, to be early is to be on time, to be on time is to be late, and to be late is to be fired.

It's not true. They just make your call time earlier. Listen in. You hear that, AMDA pandas? You've been warned. Christy Marie, when did you get your first buff friend? Wait, when was your first kiss? Oh, my God.

My first kiss was in middle school, seventhth grade and I was a little slut. I'll tell you right now. And I loved it. And I was ready. Well, my first kiss kiss, peck on the lips you'll like this, was kindergarten. No, 1st grade. Miss Marinelli's class. And this little boy, we were playing with, we were building

something and I dropped pieces under the table. His name was Ryan. And he came under the table with me to pick them up and he goes, Christy, I like you. And you know what I said to him? I looked him right in his little baby blues, his nine-year-old baby blues, and I said, show me. Christy!

I watched a lot of movies. I said, show me. Show me me and then we kissed on the lips oh my god that is truly i think just who you are now you're just like show me take me i love it do it that's so funny i am i've always i. I always initiate. I'm engaged now. And on my first date with Dave, it went really well. And at the end of the date, I feel like you're similar. At the end of the date, I was like, so are you going to kiss me or what? And that was when we had our first kiss. That's really cute.

So wait, did Dave ask you out or do you ask Dave out? I know you met on an app. Yes, we met on Hinge. Thank you, Hinge. I assume you're all listening. He asked me out. And it's funny because we matched in January, but I had gone to L.A. for like all of February and I stayed with Julia and Will. And this is when Sashira was living like right next door to them. And then I had told him,

oh, well, I'm going to be in LA. So I'm not around. And he like, I was too cool. And then he remembered the date that I told him I'd come back and then text me that day. And then we had our first date that week. And we've been together ever since. Oh Oh my God, that's so fucking cute. The last time I was dating someone and I was like out of town, I would be like, sorry, I'm out of town till this date. And then I would get back and not hear from them

and be like, hey, I'm back. And they'd be like two days later, oh yeah, do you want to like hang out or whatever? And it's like, yes, yes I do. Hello, is this thing on? Anybody home? I am constantly begging people for their attention. I get very protective of you.

Because I want every man that even looks at you to fucking fawn over you. Like, that is what I want for you. And that is what you're going to get. And I don't understand you. I want them to chase you. That's what I want. They won't chase me. And maybe it's because I'm fat and too slow. And they're like, not worth the chase. There's no exercise happening. men don't want to chase me and maybe it's because i haven't taken a shower in two whole days i haven't put on a bra in two whole days honestly it's because i got the covid but like i'm dirty right now if i were to walk into somebody in the street and they hit on me they'd be like ew stinky lady oh yeah you're not always

stinky you usually smell really good you're sick you know now's not the time now's not the time but normally you're not a stinky person thank you thank you sometimes i worry sometimes i worry am i a stinky am I a little stinky? We're a little pee-yew stinky. I think we have a similar, tell me if I'm wrong, but I think you and I are similar in that we like guys that are more quiet than we are. I feel like I like to be the big personality and I think he's you too. I like being the big personality in a way where like

in public I don't want to like compete with you and I kind of like a man who's just like nodding who's like that's my loud lady. Totally. Like oh look at her just doing her thing. Doing her thing. She really loves attention. I'm going to let her

have it yeah i'll give her attention when she gets back home and also i need someone who's like okay i've learned that i'm a very clingy person and my favorite pastime is wrapping my legs around somebody and like watching tv and asking them what's happening as we're watching it both for the first time together it's my all-time favorite thing. Why is she doing that? I don't know, Nicole. I love that.

I do that too. I will just look at Dave when he's sleeping, just looking at him, and then he'll open his eyes and he'll see my little face. I just love to look at him when he, I look at him all the time. I do sneaky looks all the time. I do sneaky looks all the time.

I like that, too. Whenever somebody stays around long enough that I get to have a sleepover with them, I do stare at them for a long time. And I'm like, boy, oh, boy, when are you going to leave me? And the answer is two to three months. Are you picky about the sleepover i i i'm not picky before dave i would i would go downtown with with any i don't know what i'm trying to say i would hook up with a lot of people you would blow a lot of people suck a lot of d. All day long. All day, every day. But I wouldn't want them to sleep over.

Also, I'm just kidding. I didn't suck all the dicks, but I sucked some. And I wouldn't want to sleep over. Like, that was more intimate than me, than their dick in my mouth. I agree. I agree. And the first time I, like, not the first time I slept over at someone's house. It was like one of the, I really slept over maybe like two or three guys' houses. And this one guy, it was like the first time we hooked up and I was like, all right, see ya.

And he was like, why don't you sleep over? And I was like, because I have to go home. And he's like, yeah, but like I can make you breakfast in the morning. And I was like, you're going to make me breakfast in the morning? Oh, wow. And I was like, I guess so. It's like a movie. It was like a movie, and it was something I'd never experienced before.

So I padded my wig down to try to sleep on it so it didn't get all fucked up. And I was wearing lashes and contacts, and I was like, all right, giving it to the Lord. I hope my eyes open and the contacts fall down where they're supposed to be and don't roll in the back of my eyeballs. And turns out I did not wake up beautiful. My hair did look wild.

My lashes were coming off. My contacts did fall where they were supposed to. And I was like, good morning. And he said, good morning. And then I fell down the stairs and then he made me breakfast. What? You can't blow over. You fell down his stairs?

Fell right down the stairs because he like lived in the basement or whatever. Or he lived, I don't know. The kitchen was like on one level. He lived down a level. And I like went to the bathroom because the bathroom was on the kitchen level. And as I was coming down, I was like, and I was went to the bathroom because the bathroom was on the kitchen level and as I was coming down I was like and I was like hi good morning and neither of us commented

on the fact that I fell down the stairs and then he like made me breakfast and then I was like I'm in love this man made me breakfast and I'm going to love him forever. And it turns out that's just a nice thing that sometimes people do. It had nothing to do with love. He did not love me. He also did not like me. How do you figure? Why do you say that?

Oh, just like my adorable little quirks he didn't like. Like being late. Not showing up. Not showing up. Not showing up on time. Having to change plans because of a show. He'd be like, oh, an improv show? We have to change our plans because of improv? And I'm like, yeah, man, let me just make shit up on stage.

Don't you want to come? Absolutely not. Oh, okay, yeah, you don't have to. Ugh, I hate this guy. Yeah, he was not great great but he was cute was that the only have you fallen downstairs at other people's houses because i think i might think you might have at some point told me that before unless you fall down stairs a lot i fall downstairs more than normal people. Well, there was EJ. You could go back and listen to that episode. EJ Woborski.

He's the Jewish man who got away that I really, really liked. Okay, we met at the Apple store at a dance party DJed by Diplo. What is that word, scramble? That's not a sentence. We both had Motorola razors and we bonded over them. Mine was

pink, his was black. I had a pink. Did you have the flip one? Yes, the flip. I didn't have the flip one. I just had the little brick. Oh, you had the block? Yep. Uh-huh. Because I didn't want to be like everybody else, okay? You're such an individual.

So we met there and then we exchanged numbers, and then we were, like, texting, and I was like, oh, my God, this man is in love with me. I was also wearing wide-leg jeans, flip-flops, and a Barbie shirt. I'll never forget it. And I have no idea what he was wearing, but he, like, invited me to his home. I proceeded to get really drunk, accused him of being gay,

and then fell down his stairs and passed out or passed out and fell down his stairs and you know other things happened it was not a good look we never fell in love but I did become kind of like lore in his house

like his roommates would bring me up every now and again and then when they started seeing me on TV they'd be like she amounted to what? There is nothing more humbling than falling. Like nothing makes me laugh harder than seeing someone wipe out. Just like really wreck themselves. I would love to see you fall, but not get hurt.

I don't want you to get hurt, but I'd have a good old laugh at a little slippy-do on the bum. I would love it. Well, I'll tell you this. I woke up in Brooklyn that day with one blue contact in, one out. My weave was standing straight up, and my

ankle was swollen, so I was limping like a pirate. And I was like, where's the front door? And they were like, ah, over here! And I was limping like a pirate. And I was like, where's the front door? And they were like, ah, over here. And I never saw EJ that morning. I think he was hiding from me. I think he had to face his friends and be like, I brought that here. And Shallon left me.

Shallon was with you? Shallon was with me, and she left me there. Oh, my God. Like, on purpose? Or maybe she thought you left? No, she watched me fall down there. And then our good friend left me there. I really didn't know that.

She left me in Brooklyn. I couldn't. And then I got home and she was like, oh, you made it home. And I was like, yeah, no thanks to you. You needed to take me with you. So she saw you fall and then left you? Left me. She saw me crumpled at the bottom of the stairs and left me in Brooklyn.

Left me in a big brownstone full of men in Brooklyn. Oh my God. I'm never going to forget you telling me this. I can just picture your little body. And then Shallon being like, this is above my pay grade. I got to get out of here. I can't do this. Peace. That's funny. I'm surprised Shallon was like, this is above my pay grade. I gotta get out of here. I can't do this.

Peace. That's funny. I'm surprised Shallon was with you. But I didn't know, like, I think you and Shallon had your, because you guys lived together. We did. So I'm sure, I didn't, when I was friends with Shallon, we were like, I'm still friends with her. But when we were really close, it was at school. So she was, like like in my classes. I never like hung out or like partied with her after school.

Oh, see, I got to the party stage. And I think maybe that's what drove her out of New York City. She was like, I can't do this. This is too much. I must go away. I didn't have luck back then. In what way? In all ways? In school. Like luck with men or after school, really. I'm trying to think. The first time I dated someone for like more than a month, I think, was like my late 20s. Okay. You know what, though? It was after I moved to LA.

I don't think that's all. I think that we think that's not common. But I think more people than we think are like that. I think a lot of people hook up. A lot of people text and talk. But there are very few people that are like having relationships, committed relationships. It's like, especially nowadays, I sound like a grandma, but it's like you slide in somebody's DMs. It's like that's the lack of work men are putting into

their courting of somebody. It's like nothing. So I really think that that's more common where it's like, oh, I wasn't in a relationship until later. I guess. But I'm just like, my later is getting very late. Tick tock. She's nearing 40 years old and still hasn't

been in a relationship. Christy, when is it coming? Does Dave have any friends? Help! I mean, Dave doesn't. He has friends, but a lot of his friends that he works with are like, they're very nice,

but they're like older. They like got like, they're not our people. I'll like older. They like got like, they're not our people. I'll take older. Are you on the apps though? Like how? Christy, I am on all of them.

You know this. I'm on Tinder, Raya, OkCupid, Bumble, Hinge. I tried signing up for the league, but it was like $100 a month.

It made zero sense. Oh, I'm not on coffee meets bagel anymore because i think it's bad i tried to get on field which is like can join our threesome but they kicked me off why because i thought i was catfishing but like honestly i would catfish somebody else i would be somebody else i would not be me and then i just learned about this one called black blk um i think it's just for black people and i'm gonna sign up for that one oh yeah very shortly and when you say you're on them are you really active on them like are you are you on there are looking? Are you swiping? Are you chatting? Yes. I am swiping all day, every day. Like, it's my fucking job. It's awful.

Whenever I get a break at work, I'm like, better start swiping. Otherwise, I'll be alone for the rest of my goddamn life. You are not going to be alone for the rest of your life. I think I laugh about it because I just never worry about it. Like, really. I never worry that you're not going to meet the person you're supposed to be with.

But Christy, it's January 2023. I still haven't met anybody. Isn't that funny that earlier I was like, we recorded this in December and now I'm like, it's January 2023. Like people can't retain information. Wait, Christy, let me read to you this, these messages that I had with Luke. He said, where are you located? I said, sunny Los Angeles, California.

Then he said, can I call you? I said, call me. Why? And he said, because dot dot, not even three, just two dots. Do you want to hook up? I'm in Santa Clarita now. And I said, yeah, sure. Not today. I have plans. Wednesday night I'm free. And then he said, just drove through and I'll be gone for a couple of weeks. What's your number? And I was like, hit me up when you're back. Cause I'm not giving you my fucking number. That was October. And then Tuesday he said, hey, what are you up to? I don't think I should meet up with this man.

Why does he want my number so bad? And also, like, he led with, what was the first thing he said? Can you call me? Can we talk on the phone? Yeah, he said, first he said, where are you located? I said, sunny Los Angeles, California.

Then he said, can I call you? That is the weirdest. That's weird. I do think that's a red flag. No one's like, who are you? Let me ring you and speak to you. Yeah. Like what is he thinks going to happen? We talk on the phone and he's like, ew, P.U. What a stinky voice. I don't like it. She smells like a little stinker. She hasn't showered in two or three days. She smells like a little stinker. She hasn't showered in two or three days.

She's nasty. Full of COVID. Is he really, really cute? Let's see. No. Oh, no. And he's wearing capris. He's like skinny.

Oh, this one's bad. Oh, no. He looks like a villain. Like a French villain. He looks like a V for Vendetta mask. That's what he looks like. Yes, Christy. Yes, he does look like the V for Vendetta mask. That's really funny.

Remember, remember, the 4th of November. That's who he is. That's V. No, I vote no for him okay i also vote i don't like how we started this thing it's a red flag no but here's the thing i think that you gotta like it's different when you wanna either you know some guys you just want to hook up with and that's fine but other guys you know but sometimes you like want to get to know them and like date them so are you putting out i want to just hook up and have fun or are you putting out like i'm ready

for a serious relationship and want to find i feel like in my heart i'm putting out i want a serious relationship but my profile does that it does say i'm a thought but then i say the happiest out there which is like come on guys I'm a silly billy I'm having fun you put your a thought yeah okay hold on it says yeah definitely a thought and then I spell it out the happiest out there I said I love to tee hee hee And then I wrote fat yet flexible. Yes! I think that's actually really cute. I think that's a cute vibe. And the thought is cute. I didn't even make the connection that it's like the happiest out

there is the letter. I mean it stands for that ho over there but the happiest out there. That's cute. It's like you're kinky but like fun. No, I think that's really cute. Thank you, Christy. Real quick, you're kinky, but like fun. No, I think that's really cute. I think that's cute. Thank you, Christy.

Real quick, we have to take a break. Okay. I'll miss you. Boop, bop, boop, bop. I'll miss you too. Bye. And we're back. Christy, you were there for a story that ended up in my special

where I hooked up with a boy who choked me but wasn't anywhere inside me. And you went back to the scene of the crime to say hello to him. B-b-b-bunny and the jimps. So Shira and I went back to the scene of the crime hello to him. B-b-b-bunny and the jams. Sashira and I went back to the scene of the crime, and we did not see him, so we

went, is he here? Somebody get him on the phone. And then he was there. He came out, and we were like, hi! We're friends with Nicole! And then we had nothing to say, and we just panicked and laughed. We're like, okay, just saying hey. Bye. And then we had nothing to say and we just like panicked and like laughed.

We're like, okay, just like saying hey. Bye. And he's like, who's Nicole? Who is this woman? I think he was my Insta friend for a bit, but I unfollowed him. I think that night I followed him on Instagram, which is weird of me to do.

Really funny. I wish I still knew who he was on Instagram because his Instagram was so genuine. He would have pictures and then just caption them so nicely. And I was like, wait, no snarky jokes? Is this what normal people do? He's just nice. It's like dinner with my dad. What a great meal.

I was like, who's this fucking loser? What a great meal. Also, he's my hero. It was just nice shit that I was like, what the fuck? But I can't. Everything about that story honestly kills me. Friends who have seen you perform

have asked me because they know we're friends and they'll be like, Christy, is that really true though? And I'm like, yes. We wish it wasn't true. I think I called you immediately after. I was like, Christy, it was bad. And also, you were in the room next door.

So I was like, did you hear what happened? I know. And I didn't at all, actually. No, not at all. I didn't even hear one bit. But I was so happy for you because we were at the bar that night really chatting with him. And he was being flirty with you. He was being so flirty.

So flirty. It was not good. He must have. I wonder. I have a theory. What? I think he got. I genuinely think he was feeling the vibes at the bar with you because they were there.

I think he got intimidated, nervous, drank a lot, and went up there. And I think he, because he also brought up the chicken. So I think at that point he had drank so much, he felt like he needed food to sustain him. And then I thought he couldn't perform. He couldn't do it. But it was very silly as it was happening. I was like, why is this life? Why does this shit keep happening to me?

Why can't I just have a normal, healthy, sexual encounter with someone without it being fodder for stand-up? And then he tried just his thought process of like he must have been like this is not going well let me put my hands around her throat and cut off her airway well i did ask for that i said can you can you choke me a little bit he said okay but i figured he would wait until he was inside me to do that. Oh, I didn't even know you asked for it, though. I did. Spice up your life, every boy and every girl. People of the world. Choke her to the left if you want to have a good time.

Choke her to the right if you want her to feel fine. Choke her to the front. She can't breathe. Hold tight. Christy, what do I do? You're in a successful relationship, and you have been for years. I feel, honestly, all I can really say is that I had given up hope for myself. I was in a dark place.

And I just accepted. I was in a dark place. And I just accepted. I started truly accepting, like, what is my life going to look like alone? Like, I was like, I, because I went on so hundreds of dates. Probably over a hundred dates. And, like, I went on a shit ton of fucking dates in New York. And nothing went well. And then really when I had accepted, like, I don't want to keep looking for this anymore. That's, but it sounds cliche.

And you know what, though? It's like I hear myself and it sounds like this toxic positivity of like it'll happen like the truth is is no one fucking knows we all just I don't know how it was it was timing what I do know is that if we had met each other even seven years ago it wouldn't have worked We were just different people. Timing is everything. But in terms of advice, I wish I knew. But you know what, though? I just think that the right person, they're going to love you because you fall downstairs, not in spite of the fact you fall downstairs. You know, like they're going to love and appreciate your isms just like Sasheer and me and Mateo do. Like that's the part like it won't be like, oh, my God, he like tolerates X, Y and Z. He'll love it.

Yeah, I just got to find someone who loves that shit about me. Yeah, I just gotta find someone who loves that shit about me. I was at a restaurant the other day, and this lady recognized me, and she was like, I would date you. And I was like, oh, thank you. And then she stayed there, and I was like, oh, Lord, am I supposed to make the choice now? Like, I don't, we don't, I don't know you. Please.

It was very awkward. But it was, like, kind, if that makes sense. makes sense do you find that is sweet i think that's sweet and like do you think that a big part of it because something i'm like fascinated about when i know you have a lot of celebrities on this podcast so you talk to other people like this but every time we go out you know get approached, you get people come up to you. Do you think that guys you talk to or date, do you think that they're nervous about becoming a joke or on your podcast or like a part of your, like, is that something? I wonder, even though with the right person, it won't fucking matter and they won't be intimidated but have you run into that where they're like i don't want to be on your podcast i went on a date with one man who he said he didn't know who i was and then later was like

i don't want to end up on your podcast when he was really drunk and i was like oh i thought you didn't know who i was and he's like i live with girls they know who you are I was like okay um but I did end up talking about him on the podcast because he was so poorly behaved um but I guess he was truly like the only one who was like I don't want to end up on your podcast I feel like the rest of them don't well Well, women know about me because I just think women consume my content. And I think people I identify as male do not really consume my content. So they don't really know who I am. Yeah. Well, except for the gay men.

Gay men love you. The gay men. And I have had a gay man try to hook up with me. And boy, oh boy, was that a disaster. Why was that bad? Well, because we were kissing and I was like, this person doesn't want to be kissing me. And then he started to go down on me and he looked at me and he said, I can't do this. No!

Oh, that's like in Sex and the City when the gay couple wants to hook up with Samantha and they want Samantha to be the first woman. And then they're like, we can't do this. Oh, and you're like all ready to go, like in the moment? I wasn't ready to go because there was suspicious things happening.

Like the hotel had left me a vibrator because, again, there was women working who knew my content and they were like, surely she'll want to get off. And surely she didn't bring one of her own. And I didn't. Um, and he was like,

we should put that in a condom. And I was like, put the vibrator in the condom. And I was like, Oh, because gay men will put it up their butts. Not all of them, but some of them. And then you take it out of the condom to do other things with, but like, oh, because gay men will put it up their butts. Not all of them, but some of them.

And then you take it out of the condom to do other things with, but, like, you don't want to transfer butt stuff to other stuff. Right. And I was like, hmm, I have a different hole I'd like for this to go into. A hole that I don't think we need a condom for. And also it's my personal vibrator. Like what? Right.

Right. Oh, that's weird. That, that, yeah, that does not sound desirable. No. And also he was wearing gray contacts. So like that was, I was like, are you a time traveler from the year 2020? Like 2020? No, 2002.

That's what I was trying to say i was like 2020 no that's not it 2020 that's a couple years ago are you traveling from before the pandemic oh my god christy do you remember that weekend before the pandemic was in full swing we were in arlington texas no touching at the meet and greet. Yes, you were just screaming, no touching. And I stole a lot of sanitizer from the backstage area. I brought these little Purells and I pumped the big ones into my little. And everyone was trying to touch you at the meet and greet. Everybody kept trying to touch me.

And I was like, I don't know what is happening. I just know that they're like, touching and talking is bad. And I was like, I don't want it. One time I went through your Instagram to say this, but I did this. I looked through your Instagram photos, you're tagged in. And I scrolled back because I wanted to see if I could find the pictures from Arlington. And there's a couple. I'll have to find them for you. There's a couple where you're just so uncomfortable. And you're just like clearly don't want to be touched and like half smiling.

Christy, I didn't. I was like, this is going to be bad. I think it's bad. I don't want it. I don't think these people like, this is going to be bad. I think it's bad. I don't want it. I don't think these people down here are going to take it seriously. And turns out I was right. I came back to New York after that weekend, and we went into lockdown in New York that week.

Same. Same. Got back to L.A., and they're like, don't you dare leave your home. If you go to the supermarket, you better be in a mask. And then I remember the first trip to the supermarket. I was like, this feels like the end of time. Did you, Dave and I would wear gloves at first, like just like hospital looking gloves. gloves because I was like they said if you touch your face like if you touch things and touch your face that's not good so I would just like make a point to not touch my face so I got in the car and put like hand sanitizer on Millheiser would like wipe down the groceries with like Windex and stuff and I was like I'm sorry if that's how you get it I'm gonna get it I cannot wipe down my Ritz crackers box. I'm so sorry. God bless.

We'll do it. It was absolutely insane. And like, do you, I know you have it right now. People you've worked with have had it. Like, I'm curious what this winter is going to bring. I honestly would wear a mask inside. I will. If you are trying to not get it.

Yes. You know, keep washing your dang hands. I will say the strain that I have right now is not as bad as the strain that I had in May. But like after I got it in May for a full two, three weeks after, like a month after, I was like exhausted. Like little, I will go downstairs and be like gotta take a break i walk my dog down the street and be like oh i wish there was a park bench here i'm tired just napping all the time and then after a while i got back to normal but i'm worried that same thing's gonna happen with this one because yesterday I talked on the phone for an hour and I was like, I have to go.

I have to take a nap. And then I napped for two hours. From one hour long phone call, I was like, oh, I can't possibly sit up and watch television. I must go to sleep. Oh, my God. Yeah. Christy, I have a question. We've barely talked about dating.

What's the worst date you've been on? Oh, I went, it was a date that from a guy I met on Bumble. Okay. So you had to initiate. I had to initiate and he seemed really nice. And he asked me if I, this was a first date too. He asked me if I wanted to go and see that movie. And it's with Amy Adams.

Enchanted. No, Aliens. Arrival? Arrival. He asked me if I wanted to go see Arrival. And I was like, I actually did want to see it. So I was like, I actually did want to see it. So I was like, yeah. And he goes, okay, I'm going to get us tickets at this Union Square theater where you make a reservation because the seats recline. They're like really nice. We get there, we sit

in our seats. And this other couple comes and goes, you're in our seat. And I was like, we are? He goes, you're in our seat. And I was like, we are? Turns out he never got us tickets. And we kept seat hopping everywhere. We had to sit in the front row. And my neck hurt. How did you get into the movie?

I don't know. He handled that? I don't know. And then he fell asleep during the movie. He fell asleep in the front row watching Arrival. And then he woke up at the end and pretended like he didn't fall asleep. And he was just like, what'd you think? It was good, right?

And I was like, yeah. And he's like, can I get you a cab? I was like, no, I'm going to walk for a bit. Bye. And then we never saw each other again. It was terrible. That's so funny. That's so funny.

You're in our seat. You're in our seat. You're in our seat. We moved like three times. And it's like, he just, I was so humiliated. And it's like annoying because people get, it's like, why the fuck didn't you get us seats? It is very funny, though, Christy. It is funny. That he snuck you into a movie.

Wait, did he ever say, I didn't get us tickets? Never. Not once. And he was like, well, let's just go sit here. Oh, yeah. Like, we can sit here. And it was in the front row. Nobody wants to sit in the front row.

And it was in the front row. Nobody wants to stay in the front row. And it was so uncomfortable. And I just, I remember I had, I think I had a Blackberry at the time. And I- I love it. Oh no, I don't know if I, I must've had an iPhone because it was later.

But I remember I took like a picture of him asleep in the front row and like texted to my girlfriend. Like she was like, how's it going? I was like, great. Brad's napping in the front row and like texted to my girlfriend like she was like how's it going i was like great brad's napping in the front row it was taking a little nappy but yeah it was pretty shitty but you know thankfully i've had no like real like shit behavior. Other than that, that was just, like, a dud, but that, I think, is the worst. I've had a lot of just mediocre ones,

I'd say. I went and saw The Martian, another space movie. I love The Martian. I love space movies. I love The Martian. I don't. Too much space.

But we, too, sat in the front row because he waited forever to get tickets. And we just like watched it with our fucking necks craned. And I did not enjoy it. He liked it. And then when he dropped me off, he was just like, all right,

see you later. And I was like, you're not going to kiss me goodbye. And he was like, oh, that's the noise he made. Also, we had been dating on and off for about a year and a half at that time. And that was one of our first actual like dates.

Nicole, it's the way you laugh at it after you say it. It's because I know it was bad. Yeah, I dated this guy on and off for like almost three years. it's because I know it was bad. Yeah. I dated this guy on and off for like almost three years and we went on like three actual dates. One of which we went to dinner and I was like, why don't we do this more often? And then he like turned into a child and was like,

I don't know. And then he ran every red light on the way home. What the hell? I think he was trying to kill me. so I wouldn't ask him out again. But I tried my hardest to make that man my boyfriend. And he was like, truly at every corner, he was like, bad. I'm bad. I'm really, really bad.

Leave me alone. And I was like, never. Real quick, we have to take another break. I think I just really love a poorly behaved man. Well, I watched this TED Talk, Christy, that said that we're all just looking for, we're all looking to mimic the relationships we had with our parents oh that shit weirds me out do you subscribe to that belief well my dad didn't always like we didn't ever really see eye to eye on stuff and i always felt like i had to like prove myself to him and i was always trying to get him to like like me and i think I go after men who do not like me who I have to prove myself to that is so interesting yeah it's really awful and annoying oh god I don't

want that to be true but honestly like if I've learned anything in therapy it's all because of our parents like yeah not online like that is why we are the way we are but like it's hard for me to articulate my relationship with my dad but I think I think it a lot like I know that I yeah I like words of affirmation that's my love language and I did

I would want my dad to say good job or you were I wanted to be the best in the play. I did want that from my dad and I still have like I have to work to not need validation

in my relationship with Dave for sure. So that is interesting. Isn't it? I love reluctant compliments. They're like I guess you were good. Because my dad would eventually be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I guess you were good. So when a man does that, I'm like, oh my God, he said I guess you were good, so I guess I better suck that dick.

I know. I know. It's funny, too, because Dave, like, he's an excellent communicator, but he's not a lovey, romantic person. So he doesn't always initiate, like, I love you or this or that. But I've come to really actually like that about him. Because when he does say or do something, it like means so much more because I don't get that from him all the time. But yeah, that's so fucking wild though when it comes to like, we're just seeking,

you know, what we lacked maybe with our parents, with our dad. It's not even what you lacked. It's what you got. But then I feel like I have a lot of girlfriends. And this is, I mean, I'm generalizing, which is bad. But like. No, it's great.

Do it. Generalize. Generalize, bitch. Here I go. But it's like, it's like, I feel like it's common for some of my female friends who don't have good relationships with their father or barely have a relationship at all to feel really almost needy in their relationships because they're afraid like that he's gonna leave so i don't really know what that is though maybe it is the same thing.

It's what they got. They were needy with their dad, and they're needy in their relationships. Oh, shit. I guess you're right. But that need was never met with their dad. Okay. I get it. Okay.

It's this TED Talk that I watched. This man was like English, and he was like, listen. Listen. Cheerio. Tip, tip, cheerio. We slide down chimneys. You get things from your parents and you do it in your relationships. Wait, Christy, what room are you in?

I'm in what we call the boardroom. So it's our office. The boardroom. Also, do you want to see something embarrassing? Yes. You're going to judge me. First of all, it's the boardroom because Dave surfs. But then, who's that?

It's a picture of Christy Cello next to the surfboard. It's embarrassing. It's from my first headlining thing. And I was like, I can't put that up in my apartment. But there it is in a frame. Yes, you can. I have a picture of myself up surrounded by vases and fake flowers, and it looks like I've passed away. I love when you put that on Instagram. Yeah, but that's like a painting. Isn't it a painting?

No, it is a picture that I took for something. I don't remember what. It was like something collective. And then they sent me the picture like I needed a picture of myself framed and then John Millhiser was like we better put that right up on the wall and it went up in 2017 and it's never come down and now it's flanked by faux flowers I don't know if I ever told I might have told you this how I think it was just last year. I went to this like party in a park in L.A. with Julia. And John was there. And now I only know John because of you.

And I was. He's like a big deal. I was like a little starstruck when I saw him. But I went up to him. And I was not cool. Like I really have met famous people in my life. And I know how to play it cool, I think. But with him, I was not cool. I said, hi, John.

I was like, I'm Christy. And I was like, I'm Nicole's friend. And then he was like, oh, hey. Like, he was nice. But I think I just came on too strong. And I've always felt insecure because I was like, like oh he would like me if he knew the real me. Because like I

want to be his friend you know. That's really funny. He would like me if he knew the real me. Like I'm really cool and like chill. I mean I'm actually not though so maybe that was a good first impression. I impression you're cool and

chill you do i don't know if i'm cool or chill i think i'm like a good person i don't think i'm chill you think i'm chill no i guess not but like i like being around you i like being around you do but i don't know either of us are that you're You're more chill than I am. I don't think so. Actually, I do. Because when there was that active shooter situation in Oklahoma, you started crying. And I was easy breezy. And you were literally like, Nicole, how are you so calm? And I said, the most callous thing I've ever said in my whole life is that,

Christy, I sold out. There's at least 200 people they would have to get through to get back here to us. You weren't kidding. You said that in an effort to comfort me. You said that knowing to comfort me that they would have to kill all those to get to us backstage. This woman rushed backstage and said that there's a shooter. Yes. And they had to close the backstage.

First of all, that's insane. We don't know this woman. She didn't work at the club. Nope. And it was wild that she got all the way back there. That's the worst part. What if she was really the person with the gun? It shouldn't

be that easy for them to access you. You're right. And therefore me. And therefore me. The road dog. That was scary, Nicole. I cried immediately. I didn't even like, I immediately was tearing up. I was really scared. I was really scared. I know. I know. And I was like, I just don't see this for myself. This is not how I'm going out. This is not how Christy's going out. This is not how the host is going out. But also,

weird that I was so calm. It was very, very strange. It was as though you've been in a situation like that before. And I surely haven't. That is bonkers, Nicole. That's actually a really good, because you used to nanny and you're amazing with kids. I bet you that's just like, I think that, I don't know if it's a maternal instinct, but like you knew, you knew to not,

under pressure, I think you do, I think you would do really well because you did. Maybe. Whenever that kid would fall, I'd be like, buddy, what's going on? Downplay it. And then you'd be like, oh, I fell. Ouchie, I'd be like, buddy, what's going on? Downplay it. And then be like, oh, I fell. Ouchie. I'd be like, does it hurt? I guess not. All right, then go play.

And be like, great. Avoid another fucking cry session. Because nobody likes when kids cry. No. It's like, look around you. The world is amazing. Lighten up. I'm sorry the beauty of this world is

so tranquilizing. It's like, shut up. What do you have to cry about, baby? Shut up, you fucking baby. Fucking kid. Get everything handed to you? You spoiled brat. Get over it. I mean, children literally get everything handed to them because they're so small and they can't reach anything.

And they're so dumb. Like, they don't know anything. Nothing. You have to teach them everything. What's in their head? Absolutely nothing. Fucking Skittles and Tic Tacs. Skittles and Tic Tacs.

Christy, what advice do you have for me in order to find somebody? So you said earlier you found someone after you gave up, threw the towel in, settled down and said, what does my life look like without somebody? So I got to do that? I got to just give up hope? Okay. This is what – also I'm sad because I can tell this means we're wrapping up and I want this to last forever. and I want this to last forever.

But my advice to you, I'm actually going to give you some advice because I think that you've given me a lot of advice in this life, especially about career, knowing your worth, knowing that like when it comes to the audition room, right? Like you don't go into the audition like,

please, dear God, I need this job. I'm so poor. Like, please hire me. You go in there like you don't give a shit. And I think ultimately that attitude, which you adopt in your life, you have that attitude in so many ways. And so I think it's maybe just trying to, like, I don't know how to word it, but, like, I think it'll happen when it's maybe not at, like, the forefront of your, when you're not thinking, like, I need this, I need this. Because the truth is, is, like, you don't. You just, you want it really bad. You don't need it to survive. You're right. I've been surviving for 49 years single.

You are not 49. You don't know. Yeah, I do. I know your birthday. Nobody knows. I know. Nobody knows. Nobody knows how old I am.

Why are you doing that dance? Nobody knows. Why is your mouth doing that? Because, Christy, it's a mystery. Nobody knows how old I am. Is she 49? Is she 62? Is she 97?

Is she 110? We don't know. I know this whole podcast about relationship advice, but I don't love giving it. Because it's like, who the fuck am I? I don't fucking know. I know this whole podcast about relationship advice, but I don't love giving it because it's like, who the fuck am I? I don't fucking know. I don't know. Nobody knows. It's different for everyone. And like, I don't want to tell you how to live your life. And then it's like there's

who the fuck? No one knows what they're doing. That's my advice. Nobody knows. All right, Christy. That was no help, but it's okay. But I love you. I love you. Would you date me?

Yes. I would date you for a very long time. I would take you on dates. I would propose to you somewhere romantic, but also, like, not too flashy flashy. I'd propose to you. You'd say yes. And then we'd have, have like a really nice wedding with family and friends and spend our lives together teeheehee and ha ha ha what a dream

that would be christy i'd love to be your wife oh and we're all we're all a little gay so let's we can always keep that in the back of our minds if things don't work out with Dave and I. You know, I would love that. I would love to marry you, Christy. And every night you go, it's okay. We're all a little bit gay. You know, this is fine. I'm like, cool, Christy.

Thank you for convincing yourself every night before we go to sleep that it's okay that we're a little gay. That would be so fun. Well, that's it, Christy. Is there anything that you would like to promote? You're so sweet. Come see me perform. I co-founded this educational organization called the Laughter Collective. And we teach classes and workshops and we amplify women and diversity in comedy.

So check us out. We have a show at The Stand in March, March 8th for International Women's Day. And yeah, just follow me on the internet at Christy Cello. Christy has cut up clips and stuff of her stand-up and I think it's really funny and I think you'll enjoy it if you follow Christy

okay so if you like this episode of oh why won't you date me you can like it you can rate it you can subscribe you can if you write me something nasty like that cough you can send it to why won't you date me podcast at gmail.com

and i'll read it you have to hit on me in a nasty way do not send dick pics mars doesn't want them okay dearest nicole i've been fantasizing about this for a while and finally poured myself a glass of wine to write to you i want to thrust my thick cock into each of your rolls until I cum in at least seven of them. With your permission, I'll lock you inside the cage for three weeks until your sweat mixed with my cum has dried. Until your sweat mixed with my cum has dried. So we can scrape it onto a plate and snort with a long penis straw. The type at bachelorette parties, thank you for clarifying. The high to follow will be so euphoric and unworldly that we'll come without even touching each other.

The post-nut clarity will hit immediately. We will awkwardly look into each other's eyes and regret everything that just happened. Turn around and run away from each other. Hey, at least we tried. That was wild. Thank you so much. Bye-bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me?

With me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotaroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode what a dream

this has been a Team Coco production