Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Surviving Beergate & Escaping Trans-Chasers (w/ Dylan Mulvaney)

Episode Date: March 14, 2025

TikTok sensation Dylan Mulvaney joins Nicole to share what it's like dating after transitioning in the public eye, including handling trans-chasers, dating straight men who don't live up to the hype, and her hot affair with Irish royalty. She opens up about navigating the aftermath of the infamous "BeerGate" controversy, and why being ignored on a gay cruise felt surprisingly affirming. Plus, Nicole shares the time she performed sketch comedy for Dolly Parton.Check out Dylan's new book Paper Doll, available now!WATCH this episode on YouTube at: https://youtu.be/YAo5RvSrznkWrite to Nicole! Send your dirty messages to [e-mail] with the subject line "Dirty Message" and Nicole may read it in a future episode.To support this podcast, check out our sponsors & get discounts:» Skims: Check out the Fits Everybody Collection at skims.com/dateme #skimspartner» Dipsea: Right now, listeners of this show can get an extended 30-day free trial! Just go to DipseaStories.com/DATEME to start your free trial.» BetterHelp: This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/DATEME and get on your way to being your best self.» Equip: To learn more about Equip's virtual eating disorder treatment, visit Equip.Health/dateme.View all of our sponsors and discounts codes at wwydm.notion.site/sponsors.Follow:YouTube: @WhyWontYouDateMePodcastTikTok: @whywontyoudatemepod Instagram: @nicolebyerX: @nicolebyerNicole's book, #VERYFAT #VERYBRAVE: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746This is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Why Won't You Date Me? via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Love the podcast? You'll love seeing even more of it on video! Watch this full episode on YouTube. Just check the description for the link. Subscribe so you don't miss out. New video episodes drop every Friday. This is a HeadGum Podcast. Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh baby welcome to another episode of Why Won't You, Davey?

A podcast where Meena Kohl-Byer was trying to figure out why I was so single, even though you could, uh, come in a sheet and tell me they're sugar cookies. My guest today is an iconic actress, comedian, and content creator known for her viral TikTok series, Days of Girlhood. She was recently named to Forbesb's 30 under 30 list. Her new book, Paper Doll Notes from a Late Bloomer, is out now. It's Dylan Mulvaney!

Hey! Did I fix it or did I break it more? You broke it actually more. Yes! Everyone, for our listeners out there, I bought this thing off the TikTok shop called, oh, what's this called? It's a tag attacher.

It's a tag, but it's got a fun little name to it. It's like the, oh, snippy something, but it's the off-brand one. I didn't get the good one. And my dress, I got off Nuuly. Do you ever do those rental sites? Yes, I do Nuuly. I usually love Nuuly, but you never know what what and this one's missing a button right at the boobs.

Yeah, sometimes they'll send you stuff that's been worn to a nub. Well sometimes they send you the woman that came in the last outfit. I mean, I feel like they're just delivering them with them at this point. I can't believe I broke this more. Dylan, I'm very sorry. That's okay. Oh, it's real broken. It's like it got crazy somehow. Uh-oh.

But that's okay. I think that this offers a little bit of seduction in what is a very Amish-looking dress. It is a little Amish, but I'm into it. Well, I tried the cunt thing for like a year or so, and I wasn't very good at it. What do you mean you weren't good at it? I like, I mean, you can, you know, you can put me in like a little Mugler kind of bralette situation. I'm still a cringe musical theater girl at heart. Mmm. How'd you get into musical theater?

Honey, I saw The Grinch Who Stole Christmas at the Old Globe Theater in San Diego when I was three years old, and I said, that's what I'm gonna do one day. And I did it. Can we talk about something? Why didn't you see Wicked yet? Why didn't I see Wicked? Uh... I don't know. I'm in a run of seeing sequels and the second movie of things.

And I think that's a more fun way to live. I also like to not be in on it. But it's so good, honey. I've seen the play. And I've seen the play 13 times, and now I've seen the movie six. That's a lot. I love it. It's a while that you've seen the play more.

I know the play's been out longer, but movies are easier to see. And I think I would do just about anything to get into a Broadway theater to see Wicked, the musical. You can fly to New York. Yeah. It's still there. It's still going in a few places.

Thank god. Wait, so you were in the still going in a few places. Thank God. Wait, so you were in the national tour of Book of Mormon. I was. For how long? I was in it from 2019 up until the pandemic, and we were playing at Los Angeles in the Amundsen. And I thought, you know, I knew I was in the wrong body, but I was like, this is pretty good. Like, if this is how I have to do boyhood, then I'm down because I was in a big cast

tapping every single night and making people laugh, and that was the best feeling. And then I moved back down to San Diego with my dad, and I was like, okay, it's time to start my transition, because there was nothing else to do, right? That's all, naturally. It's like, it's either you bake bread or you transition. Mm-hmm. I chose to bake bread.? Yeah, sure. It's a pandemic. It's like, it's either you bake bread or you transition.

I chose to bake bread. Just kidding. No, but no, no, I... No, you did. Didn't you? Did I nail it? Because I didn't transition. You only gave two options.

And thank God. But I didn't make any bread, so I guess I got to transition? That's it. There we go. Wait, so when you were on tour, were people horny? Oh my God. Did you all fuck each other? That's it. There we go. Wait, so when you were on tour, were people horny? Did y'all fuck each other? That's okay. I'm glad you brought something up.

I did not have sex with one person as I was touring the country and there were people in my cast that were doing it. I was never one for Grindr. I think that I am a very emotional lover and I get connected really fast. And I most notoriously can only get laid when I'm outside of this country. So I remember I was doing Book of More and we had three weeks off. And the last time I had sex in my previous body

was in Australia on Christmas Eve. Down under. Down under, honey. He was great. Oh, Narwazh. He was great. Oh, no, was he? He was great. Think of him fondly. Do you still talk to him? God, no.

OK, fair. That was I think that was the last Grindr hookup of them all. 2020. 2020. Pot half. Oh, no, 2019, 20. Wow. You stopped Grindr before the pandemic? Yeah. Did you start recently?

I'm on Grindr now, currently. No, I'm kidding. And that's the transition. I wish. But I don't think anybody wants me on Grindr. I almost went, I was on a gay cruise last week, headlining a gay cruise, and I almost downloaded it because obviously we're in the sea

and anything goes starring Patti LuPone. Yes, Marry Time Lost starring me. Right, but and then I did think I was like, I could just maybe not put my face. And then I was like, well, I'm one of three women on this ship, let alone the one trans woman. So I'm pretty sure they could... They'll suss it out.

They could nail it. They could get it figured out pretty quickly. Wait, why were you on a gay cruise? And how long was this cruise? It was, well, it was supposed to be nine days. I made it four. Okay. I headlined. I put a show together in three days, I got the call and I whipped it out. And it was, I think, the most healing experience I've ever had

because no one wanted to fuck me. Why was that healing? That would be my worst nightmare. Because how gender-affirming to have the hot crowd of gay men that are just going at it with each other. You know, not a sound being made other than that. And they didn't even... I was a ghost on that ship. They were like, we don't want you. We don't want you. And I said, thank you.

You ever fall in love with a gay man? All the time. Same. All the time. So tricky. In high school, all of my male friends were gay men. Now most of my male friends are gay men. And I think we always want what we can't have. And I didn't know how lucky I was before I transitioned to like get to experience, you

know, someone that wants to talk about housewives after sex. And now I don't have that, unfortunately. Yeah, but you can find a partner who wants to talk about housewives. That's fair, but that li... You know, that... Then other things go out the window that I might be looking for. Like what? That's my only thing. But like, when you date somebody,

I feel like the most fun part about dating is being like, hey, can we do this thing that you have no interest in, but you'll do it because you like me? Like, I'm seeing ghosts with my boyfriend tomorrow. He doesn't want to see ghosts, but he knows I love ghosts. We're seeing it in theaters. It's a movie. Are you kidding? What is that? Ghost bitch you did not see wicked Yeah, but ghost

Demi Moore Patrick Swayze But Ghost? Demi Moore? Patrick Swayze? Whoopi Goldberg? An oldie but a goodie. I'm thinking like, I like, what Marvel is this? You know? No, no, not Marvel. No, I'm not bringing my boyfriend to a Marvel movie. My God. I was gonna say, I was like, was it really that much of a shift

to try to get him to go see this Ghost show? I mean, he doesn't really like Marvel, so it would be... Okay, it would be a trade-off. Yes. Okay, fair. No, we're seeing the... I call it a romantic comedy, but apparently it's a thriller. We're seeing that tomorrow. He doesn't care about that, but he's going to have a nice time.

He's going to smile, and I'm going to look at him, and I'm going to cry, and be like, oh my God! And then we're going to talk about it after. He doesn't want to do any of that. But he'll do it. I haven't reached that point in a relationship yet. Oh. I've still been in the,

I have to wear fake eyelashes, and when you wake up, I've already put new ones on kind of situation. Whoa, I've never tried that hard. Oh, honey. You've never been a trans woman. No. No. It's rough out in these streets. Well, I mean, I've slept in lashes.

I've slept in a wig. But not post-sex? What do you, like... Like, I've, I've slept in lashes. I've slept in a wig. But not post-sex? What do you, like... Like, I've... This is a perfect illusion. Ha ha ha! I mean, there is definitely... There's some mystery that I'd like to keep alive

for a certain amount of time, but it never lasts that long. I mean, if I'm just, like, hooking up with somebody, it's like a one-night stand or whatever, I'm not taking the wig off. Well, I don't have a wig right now, but, like, when I wear wigs, I one night stand or whatever. I'm not taking the wig off. Well, I don't have a wig right now, but like when I wear wigs, I'm not taking that off. I'm not taking the lashes off. But like, if it's been a couple of dates

and it's been like a couple of months, you get to see nasty Nicole. Ooh, I wanna see nasty Nicole. I mean, it's not that different than this. It's just my skin isn't as clear as it is now and I'm not as glowy. You look beautiful. Hey, thank you.

Wait, what are you looking for in a partner? Well, I'm looking for someone who doesn't want to murder me. Mm-hmm. I'm looking, I think, for dual citizenship, so somebody that can provide a new passport. Oh. Yes. What country would you like to go to?

London. London. Get the London up, darling. Is it because they already speak English? Yeah. That's nice. And I just go up, you know, the trans rights are still, they're not great over there, but they've got theater.

They do. They've got musicals. They've got Wicked. They do. They've got Wicked with British accent. I love how much you like Wicked. Well that's, I think at the end of the day, like, you know, I went viral online,

but I'm just trying to do musicals. That's all I want. What musical would you be in, do you think? Ooh, what musical would I be in? I really love Caroline or Change. Let me talk to the oven. Okay, that's a good pick. Wow.

It's a great musical. Proud of you. Thank you! I'm not a musical girly, but I do like, I like plays. I like live theater. So was Wicked your, your top one? It's not my top. Actually the color purple, but specifically starring Cynthia Rivo.

I want that contingency because I did have sex with my ex-boyfriend after we were already broken up, but we had tickets to it because it was that powerful. Was not supposed to have sex with him again. So, okay, you broke up. We broke up and had tickets to the color purple. So you went and saw the color purple. It was so moved that you were like- We went back to his trundle.

Uh-huh, his trundle? Well, no, the one that falls, what's the one that folds out of the wall? Oh, a log, no. A log, is that what I just said? No, it one that falls, what's the one that folds out of the wall? Oh, a log, no, a log? Is that what I just said? A log, no, it's the- It's a Murphy bed. A Murphy bed! Cynthia Erivo got me back in that fucking Murphy bed, and it was actually really sweet.

Oh, that's nice. Two bottoms don't make a top though. No. They don't. No. That's what's tricky for gay people. Yeah top though. No. They don't. No. That's what's tricky for gay people. Yeah, you gotta find which key fits in the hole

or what hole fits in the key. Yeah, or which hole fits in the hole. But also, I think two bottoms could navigate it. Toys. I don't wanna figure it out. You don't want toys? I mean, I like, no, I can't be a trans person saying, -"I like toys." -"Why?"

Because, honey, they say we're trying to infantilize ourselves. And, you know, they're tricky out here. Who says that? The far right. Where have you been? Listen, not listen to them. I find it to be very exhausting. We cannot get this... Nicole, I'm not gonna get you

getting me to say, -"I like toys." -"Ha-haA MOLVANE LAUGHS. -♪ This is the end of Dilla Mulvaney. Wait, I don't... Hold on, we have to take a break. I am dressed like a Victorian child, I will say. -♪ MUSIC PLAYING -♪ Let's talk about something real for a minute. A lot of us struggle with food and our bodies in a way that aren't always obvious.

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Take the first step. You're worth it. Okay, I need to be real with you for a sec. Bras and underwear, they've always been a struggle. Like why does every other one dig into your shoulders or it feels like it's barely there? Hey, don't get me started on the underwears. I feel like they're punishing you for having the boobies.

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Wait, the far right thinks trans people infantilize themselves? Yes, we're indoctrinating their children, yada, yada, yada. I see. That's wild to me. I've never tried to teach a child anything. Oh, my God. I only like 59-year-old people for sex, so I just think that that's the last thing

that is on the trans agenda. I just also think it's funny to call it a trans agenda, as of all the trans people got together and they're like, all right, here, here, meetings in session. No. What is the notes? We're never on time. No. So I just don't know when anything, when any of that agenda would get finished, let alone started. Tell me about starting your girlhood series.

What what inspired that? Were you just like, I don't know, I want to make some TikToks? I was doing Stand Up in LA after Book of Mormon. I started transitioning. I was using they, them pronouns. And I found out that you could tell the same jokes instead of to like seven people in a backyard in Los Feliz. I could tell them to many more people on the internet. Ah, yes.

And you can relate a little bit. I mean, the internet is a very vast, deep thing that I don't even know where it is. Isn't it crazy? We're all on a thing that we don't know where it's at. Hello. Where's the internet? People are watching this on the internet.

That's the craziest part. You open up a computer and the internet's inside. It's crazy. I love it. So I was, you know, really trying to figure out how to come out on the internet for a third time. Cause you know, I had come out as gay, then I had come out as non-binary.

I just thought we gotta wrap this up. So I made what I thought was gonna be a funny video, day one of being a girl. And some people took it very seriously, and it went very viral, and there was sort of a 50-50 split here. We had the women who liked what I was putting out there, and then the ones that not so much, which I found out are called TERFs.

I didn't know what that was. And that's an acronym. Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminist. Wow. I was gonna start with trees. And they say I'm not an activist. I had no idea what it meant. Um, that is so amazing.

I feel really safe here. This is a TERF-free zone. Like, we don't even know what they are at the headgum studio. Here's the thing. I think TERFs and people who don't like trans people, I'm like, what did a trans person do to you? You live on a gay cruise because none of them

knew what a TER turf was either. Truly, we need to get you out there next week. I will go on a gay cruise. I'd go with you. I'm a liar. I'm not trying to get on a big ship to be in the middle of the ocean. You don't fuck with that?

No. No. What if we get stuck there? Good. And then there was like, right before COVID or during COVID, there was like a ship where there was like poop and shit. I, yeah. Well, the gay cruise. Yeah, but that's my choice. And then there was like, right before COVID or during COVID, there was like a ship where there was like poop and shit.

I, yeah, well, the gay cruise. Yeah, but that's, that's by choice. That's different. But yeah, I just want to get stuck out there. That seems like a bad time. OK, that's fair. And honestly, I don't think my ancestors want to see that for me. They don't want you on the boat?

On a big ship in the middle of the ocean that I chose to be on? I think my ancestors are like, uh-uh, girl, get back to the land. Get you off that ship. And then, so no turfs are on the water. And then I just kind of kept, because I hated, like, seeing people be mad at me in my comments, I'm such a people pleaser, that I started making more videos to be like, I have to show them other sides to myself. And then it just kind of was this happy accident. And some people really liked it, some people didn't.

And I think then, you know, Beer Gate happened. Oh, yes! You hear that? No, I know about Beer Gate. Beer Gate was, brr-brr! Honey. And you just did an ad. We don't say that word. We don't say No, we we bleep that part out. Okay, can you bleep with?

Yes, I did that that's part of the the story that I tell in my book is a little bit of like how Dylan got Her groove back after beer can. I mean, that's tough. That was rough, girl. I simply can't imagine, like, the amount of people who were like, oh, I have an opinion. I can't imagine how many people. There is a trend to shoot at beer cans with a machine gun in my name. This one's for you, Dylan Mulvaney.

You know, scary. in my name. This one's for you, Dylan great, Nicole. Yeah, yeah, I could imagine. Yeah. I would say that there was some suicidal ideation. Oh, no. There was some dissociation. There was some ayahuasca that was taken. Ooh, that's fun. Get high. Yeah. Oh, honey. That was, I, well, I'm a quick fix kind of person.

And when this shit went down, I was like, okay, this seems like it's going to last longer than a week, so I'm going to go down to Peru. I'm gonna throw up and shit for many times. And it fixed everything. Yeah? No. Oh.

But some of it. Okay. Yeah, would you ever go down there and do that? Yeah, I'll do drugs anywhere. Um, yeah, I like having fun. Me too. I really never say no to, a new experience because why not? Like one of the most fun times I've ever had is taking mushrooms in Mexico

and laughing at an ATM because I said money's in there. Who were you with? I was with two of my best friends. Um honk and oh, maybe we should bleep their names. Maybe they don't want. Okay. I could be on mushrooms. Yeah. Can you bleep their names. Maybe they don't want okay. I could be on mushrooms Yeah, can you bleep that with honk?

Sure Perfect is the honk will happen before and then later I'll go can you believe that with honk and then they're like I get how this show works now I like it. We're just having fun So yeah, okay, so you go to Peru, you do a little ayahuasca. I go to Peru, I do the ayahuasca. You come back. I dye my hair blonde. Okay.

And then I become the kissing bandit. Ooh, what does that mean? It means that I would go to a bar called Davey Waynes in Hollywood. I'd walk through a fake fridge. The refrigerator door. You know it. And I would point at any random sort of Eastern European man to walk over and he'd say, would you like to dance?

And I would say, I would love to dance. And that was a course line reference. Thank you. That was a, oh, sorry. Wow. Keep up. Keep up. And I would just make out with these men.

They'd try to take me home. I'd say no. And I would get my fill. And then I'd keep doing it over and over again. Until I kind of... It's still not fully out of my system. I love kissing. KISSING'S FUN. KISSING'S DELIGHTFUL. KISSING'S SO, LIKE, SENTIAL. And, like, nothing else has to happen.

It's just sometimes it's really just fun to kiss. I love it. I love kissing. Wait, I do want to talk a little bit more about how you got your groove back. Because I... I'm not like an overtly positive person, but I do see the good side of things. And safety aside, that many people hating you, I think is kind of iconic. Like, I went to the Bahamas and talked about it on Kimmel,

and then the whole island nation decided to band together to be so mean to me. I was getting the meanest comments. About what? They were like, it's your fault. One lady called me Peppa the Pig slut, which is funny. But I just talked about all the things that went bad. And it wasn't the people there or like,

and then I said that there was ugly people at Atlantis. I just meant the white sunburned people. And I wasn't talking about my people. But they came for you. They really did. But then I was like, that's iconic. I made so many people mad. It is like, I mean, we did something. You know, we did something.

And I think like maybe I'll look back on it in a number of years and be like, wow, that was iconic. I think maybe the level of transphobia that's still existing, potentially because of what happened, is a little trickier. But I think the fact that I'm still kicking, baby, it's pretty good. That's nice. It's pretty good. But also, it's like hatred that was not sent the right way. Honey.

Do you know what I mean? I kept being like, did I just get canceled? Yeah. And then I was like, but I didn't do anything wrong? You signed a deal memo. Beer. And you got paid to do an ad. And then people got mad at you as opposed to just

meh, meh, meh, meh, meh. Or the beer. Can we bleep that with and then people got mad at you as opposed to just... -♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh the most like woman thing to happen to me. Like the way that they treated me was obviously how they would treat a woman. Let's just say they actually saw me as a man. It would have went down very differently. Yeah, of course it would have. Yeah. What is it? The scarlet A. Did you feel like that?

Did you feel you had a scarlet A on you? Oh, my. Well, and then I thought I had to be a bad girl. Like that's where I was talking about like serving cunt. Uh-huh. I was like, well, I guess they can't be palatable anymore. Like no more, you know, Audrey Hepburn, Mary Tyler Moore. And so I threw on my little, you know, Mugler sunglasses and a, you know, a little thong and I tried really hard. I tried so hard, but it's just.

It's not you. No, it's not you. No fun for like the brat, you know, going to the sweat No. It's not you. No. Fun for like the Brat, you know, going to the sweat tour. Like, love that. Did you go? Oh, that was the best concert of my life. Did you go? No.

See, we got a... Sadly, I didn't. And I did want to go. Because Brat was a great album. I listened to it on repeat for a very long time. I've never danced harder in my life. Ugh. What a dream.

But then I think there are, like, my favorite dolls, like Alex Kinsani, Hunter Schafer, like, they serve cunt. I serve, like... Hey! I think there's different versions of cunt. I think this is pretty cunty. Really? Yes. Oh, thank you.

It's a look. I think a look is cunty. Sick Victorian rich child is cunty. You look like Samantha from the American Girl dolls. Oh, thank you. You're welcome. I loved Samantha. I thought she was so cunty with You look like Samantha from the American Girl dolls. Oh, thank you. You're welcome. Wow. I loved Samantha. I loved- I thought she was so cunty with that little plaid dress.

That's actually really funny. I was for my book tour, I was like, what if I dressed up as different dolls? Like, and then, but then you realized most of their outfits are horrendous and very difficult to recreate. Yeah, Kirsten wasn't serving cun. No.

She was serving poor. Cynthia on Rugrats, not- No. Well. No, no, no. High fashion in serving poor. Cynthia on Rugrats, not... No. Well... No, no, no. High fashion in some ways. Wait, tell me about writing your book. Was it hard?

Hardest thing I've ever done. Yeah, I wrote a book. It's filled mostly with pictures. Oh, good. I've got drawings in mine. Mine have doodles. And just in case, you know, if they're like, if they don't like the words, you've got to give them something else.

You've got to look at some doodles. And I, well, I already overshare so much online that I was like, if they don't like the words, you've got to give them something else. You've got to look at some doodles. And I, well, I already overshare so much online that I was like, if people are going to pay $28 for this thing, it's going to be good. So I talk about sex and relationships, my family, you know, recovering from beer gate, all of the above. And so I do think I made it worth it for them,

but honey, that was a hard right. Yeah, it's tough. And then they give you a page count and then you look at the bottom of Microsoft Word and you're like, I'm nowhere close to that page count. Oh, and I think like, I think I was maybe a year and a half late on my deadline. Oh, that's pretty late.

I will say a beer gate scandal does help that situation. We have to be like, I simply can't. Maybe the one positive is me going, yeah, I think I'm gonna need a little more time on that book. But them realizing like, they're like, oh, we just got a little more bang for our buck because they got all of that when they didn't know they were gone off.

Yeah, you used Beergate, how I used my parents' death in high school. Well, my mom died when I was in high school. My dad died a little bit later, but yeah, I bring it up still. I'll be like, my parents are dead, please. So true, it does help. And people are like, oh parents are dead, please. So true. That it does help. And people are like, I don't know what to say.

I guess you can have more time. I know, I just don't want to ever be pity fucked for bringing down a beer company. Do you know what I mean? Why not? Why not? I don't know. I think I need to find someone whose kink is like a polarizing trans woman who can't shut her fucking mouth.

I feel like it should be easy for you to find somebody. There's someone for everyone. There is somebody for everybody. I... Okay, so you want somebody with dual citizenship. Yep, I like taller. Okay, taller. Could be any gender, but I like masculinity.

Okay. I really... Oh, you know who I actually do really like? This is a niche one. Do you know who Hon actually do really like? This is a niche one. Do you know who... Honk! Is? No. Okay, he is, he looks like he kind of has like spider fingers

and probably journals in the morning. Oh! Do you know like, you know the men that look like they wake up at 5 a.m. like kind of like refreshed, but also still tired and then they have their tiny little espresso and then they journal and then maybe eat you out? Like that's what he's getting. That's so niche. Yeah. That's so niche. Someone with spider fingers. I just realized we have we cannot include his name. I just realized

that's my friend's and I was like oh no that'd be bad. Okay. So my type is a man that has long spider fingers that probably plays the piano, journals right when he wakes up, sips his little espresso, and when you open your eyes, he starts eating you out. Okay. Yeah. And he's like- As soon as you open your eyes, like there's no time to say, good morning. It's like, oh, it's sunny out.

What time is it? And then he goes, shh, shh, shh, shh. He shushes me? Yeah. And then he puts on, have I found you, flyless bird. From Twilight. I've never seen Twilight. Oh, my. I walk off. Dylan, I've never seen a lot of things.

What's your favorite movie? Let's see if I've seen it. Oh, Breakfast at Tiffany's? Nope. What the fuck? Sorry. What's your favorite movie ghost? Mm-hmm. Well, there we go. Guess we're equal Have you seen see you tomorrow night? I'm going on your Valentine's Day bitch, please come Biafia Americana you ever been to a throuple situation? I've never no because that that would entail like

Having somebody and then meeting a third person and it's been hard enough for me to find that one person. Funny story for me. I often feel like I can't find one and then there's multiple come at one time. And then I end up fucking it up because I was trying to play the field. Well, I've been propositioned before. I used to do meet and greets after shows and stuff. I simply can't now. I'm just getting too old to like be friendly for an hour.

You're like, I can't make you laugh and hug you. It just, it's a lot. And I've had people be like, oh, you must hate this. I'm like, no, I don't hate it. It's just draining. It's like an hour of standup, an hour of meeting people. And then I don't want anyone to have a bad time. And I'm not being disingenuous.

I'm like genuinely happy to meet people, but then to do another hour after. Right. And then another meet and greet, that's four hours of like giving it your all. I have a feeling that the people I'm meeting on my book tour are not propositioning me for- They might.

It's gonna be, it's a lot of moms. Yeah. Yeah. Moms get fucking freaky, you don't know. That's fair. Okay, okay. I'm excited, I'm excited now. Is your audience, your fan base, it's moms? We've got moms, we've got a lot of Gen Zers, honey.

Oh. Many, many, the young people. I'm 28, I'm on that millennial cusp. But they've taken me as their own. I've got some gay men out there. Not a whole lot of Republicans. I think that's where we suffer a bit, in the analytics.

And my social media manager says, we gotta put some stuff out there to get those people over here. What do you think you could put out to get people from the right on your side? Boydrag? I don't know. No, actually, oh, that would confuse them to the point where they actually might follow me

because they think that I've de-transitioned. But it's so meta. Because there's a person online who is like, who is, I think, parodying you. Oh, honey. Yes. And I was so confused for the longest time. That's like, what's happening? And then he was like, no, I'm not. I'm transitioning back to a man,

and now I'm transitioning to be black. And I was like, wait, sir? We lost the plot? I was like, sir? Well, and then I also, it was really funny, because this man did this for a really long time. Like, long enough that I was like, sir? Well, and then I also, it was really funny, because this man did this for a really long time. Long enough that I was like, I think he likes being in a dress.

And then, and then when he like dropped the big bomb, everyone's like, yeah. Like, like, but in a way that did not like land, I think the way that I was like, honey, that must have been exhausting. Exhausting. Talking about commit to the bit. But then also I was like, wow, the community, the allies,

the gays, LGBTQIA+, what a nice community. Because everybody was like, oh, well, I mean, I guess if that's your truth. And then I remember, I think he was like, well, it was crazy how many people supported me in the comments and were trying to tell me that I was gay. And I was like, yeah. Yeah, because people are supportive.

Yeah, like, can you believe it? Feels wild. We live in some great... And the internet's only making it crazier. That's why we have to write books. Yes, because the internet, we don't know where she is, but she crazy. Get this, I write in there.

I was like, I hope the words on... I write in there. I write in there. I write in there. I, with my hand, I said, I hope the words on- I'm writing there. I write in there. I write in there. I write in there. I, with my hand, I said, I hope the words on this page last longer than the videos on my TikTok account. Then TikTok gets fucking deleted before the book comes out.

But for what, 24 hours, 23 hours? I thought I was writing like Romeo and Juliet, being like, when this app inevitably leaves us in 100 years. No, bitch, it left, and we might have 90 days if we're lucky. So I, and I was like, when this app inevitably leaves us in 100 years. No, bitch, it left, and we might have 90 days if we're lucky. So I, and I was like, wow, this is either gonna be like, like a nostalgia read where I referenced TikTok multiple times, or people are gonna be like,

we don't know what that is, that's fine now. Shit. That's very funny. Thank you. What did you do when it was gone for a day? Well, I made, I made one of those posts, the thank you so much. I got real earnest. And are you an earnest person?

Sometimes but not on the internet because I don't know where it is. So why be earnest on it? But no, I did not think TikTok was going to forever be gone. Oh my God. It was like when somebody loved me, everything was beautiful. I went Sarah McLachlan, Toy Story 2 on that bitch. And I made a video that was so fucking pure hearted

that I kind of can't watch it because it's so embarrassing. And I have gotten a bit more cynical since Beergate, but there was something still in me because I was like, and I actually, I was kind of excited because I was like, TikTok's a lot to fuel the fire. They say you post it every day, you put more out there. That's too much. It's a lot. It is, it's a lot.

So I was kind of happy to have a little reprieve and then find some Instagram reels. But I really think that, yeah, I, TikTok is going to be around somehow. I think so. She's she's she's strong. She's going to keep on ticking and talking. She's going to do like scrolling on there.

No. Oh, wow. No, TikTok doesn't give me the dopamine I want because. So my phone's not in dark mode. Is your phone in dark mode? What does that mean? Your phone's just darker? No. Okay. Okay.

But you know how the back of- Do you want me to put it in dark mode? No. I will. You don't have to. I must have missed a person. Are you? Very. So you're looking for like an aggressive top.

Yes. Okay. That was a wave for our listeners out there to the camera down the barrel. They felt listeners out there to the camera. They felt it. They heard the wave. They were like, whoa, Augusta Wind. You don't get dopamine? Do you get dopamine from telling trans girls to put their phone on dark mode? That's how I get my dopamine. No, my phone's in light mode and Instagram is light. It's like it has a white background and TikTok has like a black background.

So it's not making me happy. Oh, I go into a hole. I go in that hole and I stay there seven hours a night. Seven hours? Scrolling. Scrolling. Love it. Really? Yes.

I've been trying to put my phone down at night and read. Oh, that's good. I'm reading Julia, oh God, what is her last name? Uncut Gems. Oh, that's good. I'm reading, um, Julia... Oh, God, what is her last name? Uncut Gems. Oh, Julia Fogg! Yes, I'm reading her autobiography right now. I love Julia Uncut Gems. Uncut Gems.

That was crazy. I love her so much. She's amazing. She's serving cunt all the time. That is someone who is active. That's the purest form of cunt. Ugh, and her book is so fun. It's, she's, I mean, I love the way that she lives her life.

Me too. And I'm actually very attracted to her. And this is the first time, that's a podcast exclusive. Ooh, we'll put it out there. That's a woman that I would like to kiss. Yeah, we follow each other and, hey Julie. Maybe something will happen. Could you imagine?

That would be fun. It'd be hot. That would be, I think a good couple. I think so. It's, we got kind of that sugar and spice thing going on. It's kind of like that. Oh, you're sugar, she's spice. I think so. We got kind of that sugar and spice thing going on. It's kind of like that. Oh, you're sugar, she's spice. I got it.

Yeah, oh. It took me a hot second. I was like, who's spicy? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Do you date women? Only briefly, and I would. I'm a little more specific, I think,

when it comes to a woman, because I don't care about how I work with men or work with men when I go into a duel. But I am very thoughtful of like, I wouldn't want to like go out with a woman if I didn't really think that there was some great chemistry there. Because I'm more mindful of their time.

That's honestly very, very funny. You're like, men, I actually don't give a shit if I waste your time, but a woman, I simply couldn't. Right? I truly love that. Yeah. And I do end up with some... You ever heard of what a chaser is?

Yes. OK. Trans chaser. Yes. So it's... And they've gotten smarter. They're trying to outsmart us, is what I'm trying to say. Wait, what do you mean? Like, I will be...

How do you know when someone's a chaser? Well, girl, it's... I mean, if I can get their Instagram page, I've got four doll friends that have already liked the third photo. I can pretty much confirm what's going on here. Okay. But some of them have gotten really smart. Like they won't always give me their Instagram handles, so then I have to feel it out in

other ways. But one, I was in the Edinburgh Fringe last year, and oh, I was listening to Ricky Lindholm's interview with you, and she was over there. Love her. And I went home with a guy and I kind of felt like Miranda in the, he kept sticking his butt up in my face and I was like, I don't want to do that. And then all of a sudden it's, you know, my last girlfriend was trans.

And I was like, funny how you left that out before we left the bar. But I will say, as long as you're not being fetishized. So hard to tell these days. It is hard to tell, but someone who loves trans women doesn't have any like ill will or like it's not like scratching an itch.

They're just like, that's what I'm attracted to. Do you find that to be bad? I think, that's a loaded one, Nicole. It is kind of hard. Nicole, that is a loaded question. I'm sorry. And I, Dylan Mulvaney, do not know how to answer it. It is tough, because it's the same thing,

it's not the same thing being fat. Maybe it's the same thing being black, I don't know. I'll ask people I date, I'm like, have you dated a black woman before? And if their eyes like gloss over and they're like, mm-hmm, oh, I love a hosher kiss. Then I'm like, eh, that's not for me. But if they're like, oh, yeah, I've dated a couple.

And it's like, normal? I almost would like a like, oh, yeah, I've dated one or two. But there seems to be a string of offenses in their past. And I think often it links back to something else that maybe they're going through. And I think like, I just, straight men are really interesting. Did you know that? Straight men are a mystery to me. The more I see of them, the less I get it.

And it's tricky. It's not as fun as I thought it was gonna be. Oh, you thought straight men were fun? I don't know what I thought. I would say 2% are fun. The rest of them, sick in the head. No one's home. They not right. No one's home. They're not okay. Uh-uh.

Don't know how to ask a question. No. And I've had friends who've dated straight men where like we're all friends or whatever. And they'll be like, oh, I saw so and so. And I'll be like, oh, how are they? And they're like, oh, I don't know. I'm like, but didn't you play video games with them

like all night, two nights ago? And it's like, yeah, but we were playing so we didn't really talk. And I'm like, ugh. And some straight men do talk. Oh my God, there's this Instagram video of this man. Yes. I think it's called like Wild Wednesdays. I'm getting it wrong.

But it's like a group of straight men who make videos updating their friends on their life. And then they send it to each other. And it's really cute. That's really sweet. And I was like, more straight men should do that. Healing. Talk to your friends. Talk to them. Talk to anybody. Look at us right now We're having a nice time fucking talking. I dated this one guy who didn't have a friend in the world

What if he's watching I don't give a shit Still got no friends on that's my man. That's my man now Not a friend. Maybe one maybe half a friend Not a friend. Maybe one. Maybe half a friend. But he would tell me all of his thoughts, all of his feelings, and then all of his grievances with the relationship we were trying to have. And I was like, you gotta get a friend or a therapist.

If you can't get a free friend, you gotta pay a friend. Pay a friend. I love paying friends. I love my therapist. I know. That bitch is one of my very good friends. I love it. ["Dipsy," by The Dipsy Boys, playing in background.] Ugh, adulting can be a lot. Work emails, errands, and that endless to-do list

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Well, now I'm in a place where I can, like, bring some of my friends on trips. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, but it's, uh, you know, you got to keep up. You got to keep their attention. Did you and one of your friends go on a trip where you fucked the same person? Oh, you know what? I think you...

We're... Okay, because I fucked my neighbor that my best friend Lily also was in a relationship with. But that was my neighbor. I don't know if we were... Okay. Okay, was I on a trip? I don't know. No, no, I might have misread my notes from Lindsay, my assistant. No, I'm interested because there is a world where I... Did I have sex with someone the same time I had sex with my friend. An older Irishman while you were abroad. Oh honey, none of my friends better fuck that man because that was that was mine.

And oh that was just the happiest romance of my life. I was backpacking through Europe but bying, I had three full giant suitcases. And it was the year before, senior year of college. And it was my last... Oh, Lily was on that trip with me until Ireland. Then I was there by myself. There we go. Hi, Lily. So then I went to a gay bar, and I was so fucked up from the Guinness factory because everyone kept giving me their tickets for free drinks. You've been?

Ireland, they like to drink. Oh, are you Irish at all? Am I Irish? Yes. because everyone kept giving me their tickets for free drinks. You been? Ireland, they like to drink. Oh, are you Irish at all? Am I Irish? Yes. I'm a Mulvaney. We're from the North. I'm of the Reds from the Shawshank Redemption. I was picking up on that. And... Morgan Freeman?

And then I got so fucked up, and then I bought, I spent all my money on a Riverdance ticket, and I fell asleep, and then I Googled gay bar, it, you know, that's what you do. And I show up and I infiltrated a bachelorette party at first and then this really, there's always the hot group of guys, you know, in a club. And this one, I was like in little overalls

and he walked over, oh my God, this is so full circle. Are you ready? What just happened? I'm not in your head. Oh, I have chills up my spine. Okay. I knew I liked you. So this man walks over and he goes,

are you in Wicked? And I go, what? And he goes, are you in the cast of Wicked that's Taran in Dublin? And I said, no. And he goes, but you're the cast of Wicked that's Taran in Dublin? And I said, no. And he goes, but you're an actor, aren't you? And I said, yes. And he goes, American?

And I was like, yes, how do you know? And in that moment, and then he goes, are you ready? He goes, what are you doing tomorrow? And I go, I'm going to the Cliffs of Moor. And he goes, what if I take you? And oh, my God, my mom would have killed me if she knew that I'm going to the Cliffs of Moor. And he goes, what if I take you? And oh my God, my mom would have killed me if she knew that I was going to the Cliffs of Moor with a random man that I just met in a gay bar.

And it turned into the seven days of the best love affair I've ever had. Ended up to being like semi, semi, semi distant royalty, Irish royalty, which in my head, Prince of England. Yeah. Or Ireland. Well, yeah. I don't think they have royals anymore. They don't have royalty? They nixed those.

Oh. We can't have nice things. And then for a few days, we just hung out and it was like so... I thought we were just friends. I'm not trying to force my twink self on this man. You know, it's not for everyone. And then on the fourth day, I had, oh my God. Then we go back to the same gay bar

and I get into a dance battle with, it was like one of those drag queens being like, dance battle. And so it's me up there doing my cathedral Catholic dance team audition dance. That's the only dance I know, and I did not make the team. And I'm doing the dance. Nobody knows what I'm feeling inside.

And then a member of the cast of Wicked is the other person dancing and we're going back and forth. And I'm about to throw up because I wasn't used to dancing so often. I could really only do that one dance. And then this random girl comes in, she sweeps the competition, neither me or the wicked guy win. I go to the bathroom, puke, I come downstairs, and the Irish prince goes,

can I kiss you? And I was like, now? And he was like, yeah, I just didn't know if you were into me. And I wanted to like be patient with you. And I was like, honey, time's a-ticking. And so we hook up and then, are you ready for this? It's the last day. It's day six. We've been going to little carnivals and on walks along the Seine.

And not the Seine. Hello? Help, mom. Pick me up. And on the last day, I was like, pick me up. I'm in this park looking at deer, as you do in Dublin. Sure. And and he he picks me up with one of those cars that has the doors that go like they have no. Oh, honey. God wouldn't be telling a lamborghini like like the like wings on the wings of a prayer. Tesla? No, oh honey, God, wouldn't be was in Dublin. What's the, okay. Who knows?

Okay. But she does. Yes. And buys the entire menu, $800 bottle of wine, had been pretending to be poor the entire week. Oh my God. Until the last day. He reversed Aladdin to you. Reversed Aladdin.

Yes. And it was, can you imagine having sex with someone that you just found out is actually rich? Yeah, that's lovely. It was... I had already settled for what I was working with. Like, I saw our life. Wait, why did it just continue? Well... This man whined and dined you and took you all over?

I think it was the brother. The brother? You met his family? I've said too much. I don't know if there's any sort of Irish mafia or what. There is. But honey, I've lived through a lot of things, including some crazy conservatives shooting up beer counts. I am not going down because of the Irish royalty. I just, I want this to work out. This scene is so mad. How long ago was this? Actually, okay, full circle.

That was like- How many circles you've drawn? That was about seven years ago. Okay. So then last year we did get dinner when he was in Los Angeles. Uh-huh. And he is still-

Single? A gay man. Oh, I see. Yeah. Oh, you met him pre-transition. Yes, queen. I see, I, okay see. Yeah. Oh, you met him pre-transition. Yes, Queen. I see, I, okay. All right, but love conquers all.

I know. I have a question. Talk to me. This might be a weird question. I love you. Do you ever like, reminisce about the old Dylan? I think I reminisce about how unhated I was once upon a time.

I was very fun. I was a fun human, let me tell you that. But I think, no, I wouldn't trade it for the... I love being me now. I love... I'm so confident. I love my body. I love waking up and looking in the mirror and seeing who I want to see every day.

But I do miss dating gay men. That was, I had no idea how good I had it. And yeah, there is, I think maybe a bi king could be good if anyone's out there. Yes, I think that's what you need. A bi king. Do you have anyone for me? A bisexual king? Really? Think about it.

Ages like 27 to like 69. Could live anywhere. I travel. I have a passport for now. You know, I actually might. Really? Yes. Okay, cool. I actually might.

Yeah. I might have one. Oh, that's all it takes. Famously, Shawn Mendes did tell me he knew two people. Oh, I can't say this. I can't say that. Well, I'm gonna tell you, but Shawn, I was at like a large dinner party

and I was sitting with Sean Mendez and he was like, yeah, I know two guys that would be like great for you. And then never, never, I'm still waiting to hear. I'm waiting to hear back. Well, maybe Sean Mendez will be sitting at home watching this and going, oh fuck, I forgot to send that text. I forgot to send, and he was the coolest guy. What a cool person.

Who's the most famous person you've met? Oh, well Lady Gaga's my friend. What? How? What? How? What? Tiktok girl! Oh my god, that's so nice. I love when internet, like, really big, bring us together. But I went to a dinner at her house last week, or not last week, last year. And then we just hit it off. And I love, she was my pop diva.

Who's your pop diva? Mm, Beyonce. I do love Lady Gaga. Who's the most famous person you've ever met? Beyonce. Really? But like, it was a very, it was at the MTV movie or video awards.

Honey, we'll take whatever we can get. When Lemonade came out and she just walked past me and I was like, oh, you're a treat. And she went, thank you, and touched my shoulder. And I was like, oh, you're a treat. And she went, thank you. And touched my shoulder and I was like, oh wow. It was really nice. Oh, that's like, oh, can I say, I'll say it. Fuck it.

I couldn't come for a long time. Cause yeah, my estrogen was down. Oh, you've got some estrogen stuff too, don't you? I have estrogen. You've got estrogen. Can I have some? And no, but on the way I said that very scared. I was like, I think I have it. Well, Ricky Lindholm and you were talking about some weird estrogen shit on the pod. I'm not crazy. No, I have more testosterone. Oh, same girl. So, but I was really struggling to like, you know, have feel good downstairs.

And it was Beyonce's XO that was finally the thing that did it. That's nice. Your love is brightest ever. That's really nice. She does that for the community. I'm happy that Beyonce made you cum. Yeah, she did. Maybe you do need to date a woman.

Fuck. I mean, if Beyonce is making a cum all over the place. Drove across town in the rain to come sit down here and find something out about myself. The mysteries of girlhood. I got it. The sequel. You just gotta fuck a lady.

I don't know. Maybe that's... Maybe I gotta see Ghost. Go see Ghost. And maybe you have to see Wicked. I won't know. Maybe that's... Maybe I gotta see Ghost. Go see Ghost. It's a great movie. And maybe you have to see Wicked. I won't. I just... I didn't see the Barbie movie. I didn't see Oppenheimer. I really like not being a part of the conversation.

Well, and you didn't know what a turf was. And so I think that there are a few conversations, Nicole, that you are really a part of. So thank you for being an ally. And I'm gonna see ghosts for you. And you won't do the same for me. I'll go see the play Wicked. I'll go with you for a 14th time.

For whatever reason, I just don't wanna see it. It's so good. Ah! I can do it at home. Just for Ari alone. We got Wicked at home. Ah! There we go.

Oh my God. Oh boy. Well, we do have to wrap it up. Do you have any advice for single people? Oh God. Am I your girl for advice for single people? I would say no, you're worth. And that's what I think the one thing that's working in my favor.

I'm only sleeping with and or going on dates with people who are worth it. And it's because I'm not looking elsewhere. I'm not gonna, I'm not going back. I can't, unless I would for a gay man would be great. But I don't think that's in the hearts anymore. We're too far. But it might be. But then he's not gay.

Then he's not gay. What's a label? Oh, you know's not gay. What's a label? Oh, you know what? Maybe. What's a label? Love is love. Why are we labeling? Lin-Manuel Miranda. I refuse to label myself. I'll date anybody. So true. Oh my god. I don't close the door to anybody.

I am dating a man right now, but I mean, in the future, if we don't continue dating, what a funny way to phrase that. I don't know, if I'm single again, I don't... I'm never gonna close a door. I don't know who I'm gonna love. That's so true. Like, a body part's a body part. Like, I'm, like, it just... Okay, your advice for me is to maybe date a woman

or just date anyone. Date anybody who sparks something in your soul. Do you know what I mean? Like, someone who makes you feel really nice. You deserve to feel nice all the time. Yeah, like Dolly Parton. Yes! Dolly feels good all the time. Oh, I've met Dolly Parton.

Shut the fuck up. Yeah. That's vision board shit. She came to a sketch show I was doing at UCB. No. She came in full Dolly makeup. Dolly has been to a UCB sketch show? Yes. Yes, she has.

She came to UCB Sunset, which doesn't exist anymore. She's wearing giant dolly wig. Who got her there? Her titties were out. Her doctor's son was a writer on one of the teams, and she said that she had always wanted to see a show. So she picked that show to come to. And everyone came back or someone came backstage and like, Dolly Parton's here. And we were all like, what?

And I remember I did a sketch called Ronda the Condom Keeper. I played a woman named Ronda, who had the key to the condom case. So she would ask you questions before you got your condoms because she was nosy. And then Dolly came backstage to talk to all of us and tell us that like we were funny. And she was like, I'd buy a condom from you.

And I went, okay. I was never really starstruck, but I was like, I couldn't believe. It's too much. What do you say to that? I said, okay. Okay. Okay.

She was so pretty, but we do have to wrap up because somebody else needs to hop into the studio. That's hot. Dylan, I have a query. Query. Would you date me? I trust you in a way that I think I would. I, I, well also- I love the question mark at the end

and your face did a thing when you think I would. I think you'd be like, well, I wouldn't with you. No, would you date me? Yes, I think you're delightful. Oh, really? And your eyebrows are a great shape. Debbie at Studio City Brows. Debbie! Actually, I don't think she's even taken new clients.

It's that crazy. Really? But she fucking gets it. Also, oh, we need to hook her up with someone. Also, you said I need to date a woman. Maybe it's you. Maybe it is. Maybe it's a throuple on Valentine's Day at Ghost the Movie.

Maybe we'll all hook up during the movie. And then we go home and we rent Wicked. You know what? Okay, I'll see Wicked if you come. If you come see Ghost, I'll come see, I'll see Wicked dancing through life, dancing. That's all I know of that song. I like that you shouted out your brow girl.

I would also like to shout somebody out. Yeah, give it to us. It's called Air Bungie Fitness in Burbank. One of the worst places I've ever been in my whole life. I fucking hated it. I'll talk about it on another episode too. Were they jumping? It's Bungie, like Bungie Fitness.

And the instructor was terrible. And then at one point I asked a question, a clarifying question about the tension and the squatting and stuff. And then she looked around the classroom and she was like, and that's why it's important to not lie about your weight and landed on me. And we made eye contact and I was like, whoa, what? And my friend was there and I looked at her because I was like, did I imagine that? And she went, no, that happened. And I was like, OK. You're like, we're bungee fitness and burping. Mm hmm. They're still doing that.

Also, I love that when I was like, oh, we should shout someone out. I was like, my brow girl for beautiful brows. And you were like this fucking bitch at bungee jump fitness. And that's why I think we would work well together. And then I got into a fight with the owner or the manager who looked like she did her makeup in the dark. Bitch look busted. Yeah. I told her I didn't have a nice time. And then I got into a fight with the owner or the manager who looked like she did her makeup in the dark Bitch look busted. Yeah, I told her I didn't have a nice time and then she got real defensive and I was like Why are you defensive and she was like I'm defending myself and I was like context words defensive defend same

You were the only person on a bungee cord that did not vote for Trump. I Promise you that there's not there's I don't think a lot of Democrats are on the bungee How do you know I didn't vote for Trump? Anyway, if you like this episode of Why Would You... She's a turf! She's a fucking turf! Imagine! I was like, I'm gonna getcha! I mean, I did say 95 things that I do regret.

And then also I was like, literally, like, this was all to plot my demise. Like, I wasn't created in a boardroom. You were actually created to bring me down. Here's the thing. Bring me down! Here's the thing Shooting your cans if you like this episode of why would you do me like a great subscribe if you write me something nasty to why won't you date me, podcast at gmail.com, I'll read it. You got a hit on me.

Okay, this person writes, ooh baby, I'm gonna have you bouncing up and down on my dick like you were in a bouncy castle. Jump high enough and I'll come so hard, I'll shoot you into space like putting Mentos in a soda can. That seems violent. Yippee ki yay! Get ready to ride. Yippee kiki-yay! Get ready to ride.

Yippee-ki-yay! Did someone email that to you? Yeah, to whywon'tudatemepodcast.gmail.com. But what was that for? Is that a segment that you just did? Oh, yeah, that's how I ended. Oh, just... Oh, we've come to the end. This is it.

I didn't say that. And, um, and so it's not like a... It's just a statement that someone wrote. Yes, and they can write whatever they want. I'm gonna start writing. And one man or person, I don't know their gender, they wanted to flip me upside down and fill me with clam chowder. And that haunts me. That was me.

Do it! What if it's not you trying to bring me down, it's me trying to fill you up with clam chowder? That's, it's getting fucking meta in here. I would hate it so much. I love clam chowder. That's it. It's getting fucking meta in here. I would hate it so much. I love clam chowder. I don't. I don't like the consistency or the color of it. I don't like vegetables. Oh, or what about broccoli? They look like little trees. No, or fruit. But if you put ranch on them, it looks like snow. Oh, that's pretty. Yeah, that's a nice time. Beautiful. You don't like carrots? No. Crunch, crunch. No, no, or no meat, no vegetables, candy, pizza. Coke. How are you thin? I don't know.

Now that should be the second book. But then you'd have to figure out why you're thin. And then who's gonna figure it out? I don't know, but maybe it's us together. Okay. And then I'll figure out why I'm fat. Kidding, I know why. I'll eat anything.

Did you know you can't heat up rice again? Anyway, we're done. Why? Apparently you die, I don't know. Do you wanna ask Dylan what you'd like to promote? Ah, shit. Dylan, I have a question. Talk to me. A query, if you will.

Do you have anything you want to promote? Ah, at this time, I would say probably my book Paper Doll. Yes! That comes out on March 11th in stores. And I think it's pretty good. And I talk about sex on there. Mmm. On there and in there.

Oh. And around it. OK. And other things, too. We didn't talk too much about sex. Support trans people. She doesn't know what a turf is. Now I do. So the least that your listeners could.

Now I do. Turf. T-R, trees, R, E, enough. I know. F for us. That Ghost is not a Marvel movie. No, it sure isn't. But you know what it is?

The Scarlet Witch. No, I sure isn't, but you know what it is? The Scarlet Witch. I don't know! I think that's just a character. You know what, I'm glad. Oh, here we go. In Endgame, that's a Marvel movie. Are you sure? Yeah, Endgame.

Casey, do you know? Oh, we have to be done. I think somebody else has to be in the studio. Read Paper Doll, love you. Okay, we did it. See you later. Bye-bye. Wait, did I ask the question? Do you mean... Yes. Ugh. You've been listening to Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Beyer.

This show is produced and edited by Mars with executive producer Anya Kenovskaya. It's engineered by Casey Donahue, with guest research by Lindsay Kemp. Our VP of content at Headgum is Katie Moose, and our theme music is arranged by Mike Kometay. Ah, thanks for listening! We'll be back next week with a brand new episode. See you then!

Okay, bye bye! That was a Headgum Podcast.