Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - The AI Dating Dystopia (w/ Jarvis Johnson)

Episode Date: September 4, 2026

YouTuber Jarvis Johnson (Host of Sad Boyz) joins Nicole to discuss the dystopian reality of how AI has changed the dating landscape, from people now dating their AI and the trend of men using ChatGPT to automatically swipe and chat with women for them. Jarvis opens up about his regret about having a public relationship and why he now chooses to keep his life private after a very public internet breakup. They also discuss how neurodivergence impacts relationships, why undiagnosed ADHD can hold someone back, Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), medication they are taking, and how Nicole is managing her PMDD.Watch this episode on our YouTube channel at https://www.youtube.com/@WhyWontYouDateMePodcastSupport this podcast by checking out our sponsors:» Audible: Find your next laugh on Audible. Stories that speak to you. New members can start listening with a 30-day free trial at https://Audible.com/DATEME» Hers: Sponsored by Hers. Visit https://forhers.com/dateme to get a personalized, affordable plan that gets you.» Hinge: Listen to No Ordinary Love for free on Spotify! https://hin.ge/WhyWontYouDateMe» Planned Parenthood: Donate to support Planned Parenthood now at https://plannedparenthood.org/defend» Squarespace: Head to https://www.squarespace.com/DATEME to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code DATEME.Check out all of our sponsors and discount codes at wwydm.notion.site/sponsors.Follow:All Links: linktr.ee/whywontyoudatemeTour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenYouTube: @WhyWontYouDateMePodcastTikTok: @whywontyoudatemepod Instagram: @nicolebyerX: @nicolebyerThis is a Headgum podcast. Advertise on Why Won't You Date Me? via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Want to watch this episode? Catch the full video on YouTube. Just hit the link in the episode description. This is a headgum podcast. I recently went to San Diego for a wedding, and the whole weekend was so fun. A few of my friends and the nice man in my life all went together, and because we wanted to make a whole vacation out of it, we booked a home on Airbnb that was right across from the beach.

The location was unreal. We were in this chic neighborhood, so close. close to the venue, so when the reception ended, we didn't stress about getting a ride home. We just walked home together along the waterfront. We were in full formal wear, carrying our heels, goofing off, and trying to outrun the tide under the stars. It was like a movie. The home was awesome. We had five separate bedrooms, so everyone had their own privacy, but we also had this massive backyard with a private pool and a hot tub to hang out in together. And the next morning, we all took a stroll for coffee and found this adorable local artist co-op and vintage boutique.

We spent the morning trying on funky sunglasses, looking at cool art, and picking up some delicious pastries from a bakery nearby. It was a fun little adventure. It was so nice to actually experience the local flavor of the area. Booking a home in a cool location made the weekend unforgettable. So if you're planning a vacation soon, I highly recommend finding a home. on Airbnb. Support for this podcast is brought to you by Chamberlain University. I have to tell you, anytime I go to the hospital or a clinic, my anxiety is absolutely through the roof. It's just an overwhelming, scary place to be. But I feel like we've all experienced

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Discover your calling at chamberlain.edu. Chamberlain University belong to something greater, certified to operate by Shev. But you date me. Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? A podcast or me. Me, Nicole Byer was trying to figure out why I was so single, even though you could come in the road and tell me it's paint.

My guest today is a YouTuber and host of the Sad Boys with a Z podcast. True. A show about feelings. And we once did an improv show together that I thought was really, really fun. That was fun. I loved it. That was a good time. The person who's saying, it's a good time is Jarvin.

Hello. Jay, Jay, Boob. Jarvis, thank you so much for being here. Thank you for having me. Can I ask you a question? Yeah. Single dating. Don't want to say those are your three options.

I am single. Hey. I was just thinking of Creed. Can you take me higher? During the pandemic, me and my roommate at the time, John Milheiser, would put on Creed songs, open our arms, and scream sing it at the TV. I took a John Milheiser character class.

that got maybe two or three classes deep, and then we shut down for the pandemic. Damn. And then they continued it over Zoom. And I was like, respectfully, so much of my job is through the spring. Yeah, and I'm like, I can't do that. And I was because I was getting really excited

about going out into the world and like, you know, playing with people. But yeah, but great, seem like a good guy. He's a great guy. I love him. I lived with them for a decade. Very funny. Very, very funny.

can really throw that body around. Wow. And I didn't see too much of it. What a wild thing to say about somebody. They can throw out. He's like one of those things. You're describing a worm. He's, you know.

You know, he's like that. He's like his body's one of those blow-up things at like a car dealers. Oh, he's a wacky waving inflatable off-willing tube man. Yeah, that's his little body. He's one of my favorite videos that he reposts every time there's an earthquake and that's how I know an earthquake has happened because he filmed it at my house or our house where we were living, but he's holding a tray of cups and goes, who wants cups? Whoa!

And all the cups falls so stupid. That's awesome. Okay, you talk about your feelings on your podcast, sad boys. And a few years ago, you announced a breakup online. So, like, that's something that I feel like a lot, I've seen with a lot of YouTubers, people who, like, made relationships public. Was that something you felt like you needed to do? Yes.

And so it's like even, okay, and this is no disrespect to the person that I was in a relationship with, but it's like doing a public relationship. One of my biggest regrets. Simply, or not regret, I like don't really have regrets in life, but it was, I think, a mistake. Sure. Simply because people become so invested and then even years and years later, people are still DMing you and asking questions. And that was that was why I felt like I needed to announce it. because I wanted to like, I was like, stop talking me about this person. You know what I mean? Yeah. Because people, like, they're like a third member of their relationship, you know? And that is not ideal. And it's so interesting because while I've dated people since that person, because I haven't

publicized it, there are like some people out there who think like, well, he's, he's been single since that breakup and like he can't. He can't find anybody. find anybody and it's like you don't have object permanence like it's like when I you know cover your eyes I disappear that's like how it how it is and it's really just like I from that point really I was naive because I was new to doing content sure and kind of having a public persona and I think it was like a misstep because I realized how much I really value my privacy and and I value people not kind of because even though I talk about my feelings and stuff of my podcast,

I don't like talk about everything that happens in my life. And you get that, like a lot of comedians get this where it's like, okay, yeah, just what I say on stage is not like everything that you see. But then some people are like, that's just what you are. You know? Yeah. And there's nothing else that goes along with it. Exactly. You're not a three-dimensional person.

You're a cartoon. Yeah. Like I went on a really cute little staycation with the nice man in my life. And I like posted a little bit about it. it, but I, like, didn't give everything. Like, it was just like, we're here, we're having a nice time. Right, exactly, exactly. And that's it.

And, you know, people tend to think that's everything. And at the vacation, we got into a fight, and that's, like, part of their content. You know what I mean? And I'm like, that can't, I can't do that. It makes me anxious, yeah. There's this woman who I randomly in the algorithm, she appeared. And it was like, get ready with me to go on my 15th date. And she was, like, documenting going on dates.

15th date with the same person. No, like 15th first date. Like the 15th first date of the year or whatever. Interesting. And now she's with somebody and engaged. The engagement was sponsored. Wow. Their party was like a photograph for People magazine.

And I was like, whoa. So like you're going to have to monetize your whole relationship because you monetize being single so much. And when I, like, people would ask me, they'd be like, what would you do with the podcast if you ever? get into a relationship and I was like continue talking about love yeah continue asking people questions about their love exactly because I find love so fun and interesting no but you were doing this podcast because you couldn't find anybody and then you have to go out off into the sunset

yes then I have to die right I found someone so I'm a die the podcast only comes back if you go through a break-out um so what's the longest relationship you've had I think like a year and a half so I don't think super, super long, which is like, I don't know how to feel about it. You know, because some people, they have like a relationship that's like five years long, but it's because they were young and it like stretched into a different phase of their life. And for me, I am at a very like picky stage where I'm like, I'm 34. I'm like ready for something serious, but I'm also not trying to. force it.

Uh-huh. So, uh, as a result, I'm like, you know, just like, fighting my time.

Well, don't do that. Well, I've got to, I got me, I've got me a fucking villain. No, am I mean, and I would have gotten away with it too.

Wasn't for you and your little dog. Okay, Charvis, let me ask, you've worked in Silicon Valley. I have. Do you think AI's changed dating? I do want to know why?

Because I saw a story where this woman was talking to this guy, and then he was like, Like, actually, this isn't working out. And it's because my little chat GPT says this isn't working out. And I've been automating all of our conversations. So he wasn't talking to her. And she wasn't talking to him.

She was talking to his chat GPT thing. Like, how do you come back from that? Yeah, you can't come back from that. You're too far gone. I think there even, so definitely it's change dating. And it's very interesting how, like, the public awareness of this stuff has shifted. because because I, like, had a little bit of, like, tech background, I was, like, I had used things like, like, the precursor to chat GPT.

Like, it was, because it was very novel. Open AI at the time was a nonprofit company. A nonprofit. I know. It was like a nonprofit. And then Microsoft invested $10 billion into it. Yeah. And then they were like, how about it be profit, though, essentially?

Well, yeah, if I'm like $10 billion into something, I got to get mad. You got to get your money. But, yeah. And yeah, there was like a guy who made a YouTube video in, this is maybe three or four years ago now. It was like, I dated 5,000 people in New York. And essentially what he did was he used essentially chat GPT in an app to like automatically swipe everyone in New York and then talk to them with like movie quotes from American Psycho. And then he's like, I got all these numbers. And I'm like, you do not know how this looks.

First of all, this is like messed up, but then also you look like a crazy person. You used the name of the book and the movie is American Psycho. And you're like, ha-ha, I'm going to use Brady's den Ellis's words about a sociopath to woo women. And it worked. And it worked. And I mean, it's like the Matrix, too. It's like a trans allegory by like two trans women. And then people are like, no, but like, I'm going to use this to, for my, for my, I'm going to take the fucking.

red pill, blue pill thing, and I'm going to switch it all around so it fits me. Exactly. God, Jarvis, this is dystopian, and I think it sucks. I agree. I agree. But what do we do? We have to, like, keep on, we have to call out the bad stuff.

Yeah. And we have to kind of keep we have to keep dating. We can't stop dating. We can't stop dating. We've always got to date. We got it. At the end of the world. How do you feel about the people who are dating their AI? I'm Have you seen this?

Yes. And again, you know, if somebody's, you know, listening or watching the show and they're dating their AI, I guess my hard opinion is I don't understand it. Yeah. And I think it's a loneliness thing. Yeah. Go outside. Yeah. Go join a club, something.

Go talk to a person. I will say, though, and this is not in defense of that behavior. but more I understand that sometimes it's hard to go outside. It's sometimes it's hard to pick yourself up and like it can be scary if you haven't had certain experiences in your life that have made you more comfortable with social engagement stuff. I get it, I get it. But this cannot be the answer. But there's niche things for everybody.

Exactly. And I think if you're having trouble going outside, you just got to really like listen to that Aaliyah song, dust yourself off and try you. You know, just get out there. was just in Indianapolis doing shows and there was a gencon happening. Oh, wow. Yeah, Gencon. Which I think, which I was told stands for general convention. Yes, it's a very old convention. Yeah. For like, so old that they said there is no actual overarching theme. No. We just want whatever nerd you are to come. Do that. Like go go to like go be where the people are.

Yeah. What's one of the worst dates you've been? Okay, in San Francisco. So a thing that I didn't like about San Francisco is that this is not everyone in tech, but there is a type. There's a type of person. And I was on, and you don't know until like someone outs themselves, I think, is this type of person. But I was on a date at like a jazz club. Okay. And we're drinking drinks.

We're watching the live jazz music. I think I'm having a grand old time. Sure. And then, and we met on. This is a long time ago. So it was tender. Like, tender. I think tender is like really bad now.

Tinder. When I got off Tinder, it very much was like grinder for straits. But like without the honesty. I think I looked at it like somewhat recently. And it was like all AI profiles. It felt like, I don't know. Yeah. But it was just bots and stuff.

I don't know. It felt like a huge. It was like there's not. It didn't feel like there were real people here. Fair. But so this was like back in the, I guess, golden era of Tinder. The golden era of Tinder.

But the reason I say that it was Tinder is that you think of Tinder as an app where you're supposed to go on a date with someone. So I here I was what I thought was a date. And then this person goes like, by the way, I'm just on Tinder for networking. And I'm like, I, hmm, interesting. And I'm like, am I? What do you say to that? What did you say?

So, look, I'm not going to raise a stink. I'm just like, okay, for sure, you know, that wasn't my understanding. but for absolutely. Like, now I'm not going to network with this person. Sure. Like, because I think that from a, if I'm now to re-contextualize these interactions in a professional manner, I think it's very unprofessional to communicate in that way. Honestly, network?

I'm telling HR. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, but I just, I think I might have just cut the date short, not immediately, but then been like, oh, you know, I got to get to bed. Oh, I got to get to my job. I'm kind of, I got some insane videos to watch. Real quick, we got to take a break. I don't know about you guys, but I have a terrible habit of sitting on my couch, doom scrolling on my phone.

When I know I have chores that need to be done, doing the dishes and folding laundry is just so boring. But lately, I found the absolute best way to actually get things done around the house. And that is by pairing it with a story on Audible. listening lets you multitask and completely enriches your time. You can put on some amazing comedy or a self-help book to learn a new skill. I actually save certain audiobooks just for when I'm doing chores and it has genuinely made me start looking forward to cleaning. Right now, I recommend checking out Kiki Palmer's Southern Bell insult series.

Kiki is an absolute icon. She voices this fun, unapologetic character who drops the most hilarious burns and amazing life advice. It will instantly boost your mood. Or if you want a romance, I recommend checking out Rachel reads The Long Game, the sequel to Heita Rivalry. It's a steamy listen. They'll make you blush. Find your next story on Audible, Audible, stories that speak to you. New members can start listening with a 30-day free trial at audible.com slash date me. I pay all of my guests to be on this show, but sometimes they request to donate their fee instead. And do you know the next? number one place they asked to donate to, plan parenthood. And for good reason, these health centers

provide essential sexual and reproductive health care to people who need it the most. They're out there every single day offering affordable birth control, life-saving cancer screenings, and STI testing so people can safely take care of their bodies and plan their futures on their own terms. But right now, there is a push in Congress to extend the defunding of Planned Parenthood, And we talk a lot about how messy dating is, but you know what makes dating infinitely harder and way more stressful for everyone? Shutting down access to this exact kind of care. But Planned Parenthood is absolutely not backing down. They're still showing up for their patients every single day, making sure everyone can get the life-saving and life-changing sexual and reproductive health care they need.

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affordable care that gets you. That's F-O-R-H-H-E-R-S dot com slash date me. WithBOS by HERS is not available in all 50 states. WeGOVE is the registered trademark of Novo, Norris, AS. To get started and learn more, including important safety information, we go via clinical study information and restrictions. Visit forHERS.com. Okay, since being on the internet as a personality, do the people, do the hoes be slipping into your DMs? Yeah.

By the way, not hose, obviously. Do you think they call hose hose because you use a hoe to dig? I don't think so. Oh. Sorry, I'm shutting that. down right now. Hey, it's okay. We don't use that word. Yeah, that's my internalized misogyny because I grew up in a patriarchal society. That's, I mean, and say it, sister. People do slide in DMs, but in general, it's like a don't engage thing because I don't

want to like engage in that like power dynamic. Sure, I get that. There's been like one or two instances where it was somebody who wasn't a fan and like saw me like in passing or something like that. And then I'm like, okay. But then I'm on defense where I'm like trying to suss out if there is. Yeah. What's going on? But I don't even want to be in that situation. You know what I mean? Yeah. It must be interesting being a man in the public eye because I feel like as a lady in the public eye, very rarely am I getting DMs where I'm getting hit on by like men. It's usually women. And I'm always like, oh, brave, brave, brave. But yeah, nobody's ever said anything to me where I'm like, I got to get into this. As I've gotten older, though, I do think there's fewer

like 30-year-old stance, you know? So it's like I, like that maybe with time, that will be less of a concern, who knows. But yeah, especially like when I started, it was, yeah, I also get DMs from men and that's fine. Sometimes, sometimes. And that's fine. And I take it the compliment. There are also like crazy DMs. Sure.

What's one of the craziest ones you've got? It's like, and I don't want to use like crazy so loosely, but it's like wild. That's a nice way to say it. But it is like someone treats it as their personal journal where everything is like addressed to you. Yes. And then you, maybe you get a message and then you scroll up and then you realize it keeps going. Yeah, that's such a treat for me to be like, oh, what is this chunk?

Oh, you've been talking to me for 10 years. And I just had no clue. Just a one side of conversation. But it's usually pretty, pretty tame. But every now and again, there's like people are sending photos. It's like, it's like just like as if we're in the relationship. I mean, not really. To be honest.

And I think that's because I've drawn. some clear boundaries. Sure. And I'm proud of that fact, honestly. I've flipped it around and I'm happy that I'm not getting tidies. Yes. No, tidys. We did it.

I guess I have boundaries too. One man was emailing me pictures of sandwiches he had made. Mm. And long rants about how we should be together. P.S. I made this sandwich. Oh. Okay. And that's your line?

I guess. Is it the sandwich thing was a bridge too far? Well, Well, no, I mean, he did send me some shirtless pictures and I was like, not loving. All right. Not loving, A, the sandwich, because it just felt like diabetes and tinfoil. And I was like, you can't be eating these every day. Did you, it's like I, look, I don't want to tap the glass, but I need, this is an intervention and you need to stop making these sandwiches.

Kind of. Everything was fried. And I love a fried sandwich, but it's like, I got five in a row. So I was like, are you making this sandwich five nights in a row? That's wild. We got to get some lettuce. Not from Taylor Farms, but we got to get some lettuce. Taylor Farms, it was fine in the past, I suppose.

And I don't know if it's going to be fine in the future. Who knows? They just were called jalapeno. I know. It's not looking good. No, which is wild because it's like, oh, no, I got a shit salad. And now I'm fucking shitting out fire? Damn.

Oh my God. When I was in Ohio, I saw a man leaving a restaurant with a shit stain on him. Wow. Isn't that awful? That sucks. And he had somebody with him. He was walking next. to somebody and I was like,

you're not checking out your partner's butt? I'm looking at my partner's butt just for the love of the game. I would, yeah, because it's like also it's like you tell people if they got something in their nose, an eye bugger, a shit stain. People don't. People don't. People be rude. I have

hung out with people where it's late in the night. We have not eaten a damn thing and they got something in their teeth and I'm like, friend, you got something in your teeth. You've got no friends all day long. Okay. Can we talk about that for a second? Because people it's understandable, but it's scary to give feedback of any kind. Even if you're doing someone a service.

Like if someone, okay, do you know it's like a comic bookstore, like pinball place Revenge of? No. It's in Glastal Park. Do you know it? It's cool. It's cool. It's relatively new. But it's called Revenge of as in like Revenge of the Nerds.

Okay. Have you ever been to Bubbing Grandmas? It's like a sandwich spot. Yeah. Incredible fried sandwich. No, there's no fried sandwiches, but... Wait, have I had pizza from there? Do they do pizza?

There's a bubbing grandma's pizza now. I think I've had the pizza. Okay. But I had it cold because I accidentally sent it to my friend's house instead of the location I currently was at. I've done that before. Then I had to get in my car to go fucking get it. That's...

It was cold. It was my friend Tessa. Thanks for keeping it safe, Tessa. But anyway, the place called Revenge of us and Revenge of the Nerds. And I was on a date with someone and they said of revenge a few times because we're like across the street from it. and there was a certain point I was like oh by the way it's like revenge of

and I hate doing it but someone I would prefer in my life if someone let me know okay this is where we differ because correcting someone on a thing is different than correcting a nosebooker or a thing in your teeth

or a shit stand on your cream pants or shorts they were shorts and it was like whatever But I, so I met some tortoises and I was texting my girlfriends on a group chat and I was like, look at these turtles. I didn't get close. I was scared. They were moving so fast. And then my friend was like, I hate to be that person, but tortoise.

And then I thumbs down it. Yeah. And I was like, boom. Okay. You know, I don't know where my line is, but I also wouldn't have corrected that. But then I was saying that nice man in my life about the text. And I was like, I was texting the girls about the turtle. and he went tortoise and I went, boo!

Bo! What's wrong with all of you? And then I put it in my Instagram story. I said, I loved, oh hi, I loved the Elro Bar Hotel because they gave me compliments and smiles and I got to meet some turtles. I was scared of this turtle and that nice man said that tortoise moves faster than you ever will.

And I said, nope, scared of a turtle. So I self-corrected when I told the fucking story and then someone DM me and said, that's a tortoise. And I wanted to say, you don't fucking read. Oh, yeah. I don't respond to you. You're in like a wildlife Conservation uniform

You're like, by the way, here's the difference. My friend did tell me the difference. She said tortoises are of the land. Turtles are of the seaways. And I was like, suck my dick. Leave me alone, Tess. Growing up in Florida, I know the difference between crocodiles and alligators,

but I also still do mix them up. Good. And I think that's okay. I think that's fine. That's fine. We're normal people. You're not Jim Irwin

Joe Irwin. That's true. I'm not either of them. Yeah. Steve. Steve. His son though is like doing... Hot. And he's taken up the mantle of... Oh, he has? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, you love to see that. It's actually really heartwarming. That's nepotism at its finest. That I love. It is the best of nepotism. It's in VH1. I love the nepotism. Honestly, I wish VH1's I love the things would come back. No. Because it was just fun to be like, oh, I don't know about that or I remember that.

I love the 80s. Was so fun. I love the 90s. I love the 90s. I love a fun fact. And it was full of them. Yes. I was like, this is just telling me all kinds of stuff. I want to know about what was like when the Rubik's Cube came out. Yes. Tell me about it. Tell me about Teddy Ruxman. Jarvis. Can I ask you about your ADHD diagnosis? When were you diagnosed? When I was 25. So like, like, like nine years ago. A decade ago. Yeah, it was like later in life though. And it was like, oh, this makes sense. I think I was diagnosed at some point of my, was I on medication when we started recording? I'm not sure. I don't think so. Maybe. I don't remember. I don't remember. What if Mars was like definitely not? Definitely not. I know for certain. You were fucked up when we met. Even if you're

prescribed it. I know a lot of times you came in here being like, I forgot to take my meds today. I mean, I constantly forget. Today I was like, did I forget? But I think I remembered because I've like settled. it takes a minute for me to go, hmm, but do you think that affected your dating life, like having ADHD and now being diagnosed? Like, do you think now you're more focused on what you want in a relationship because you're medicated?

And that's me assuming you're medicated. I am medicated, so correct assumption. Sometimes when you assume, it makes... An ass out of you and I... And I, but not me. I don't really think so. I think learning and going on like a mental health journey overall helped me contextualize a lot of

feelings that I had in relationships and organize those thoughts. Sure. Because, you know, you can go through like a breakup or something. You can be like, this is the end of the world. And if you're like not in therapy, I was like, I, that's like I'm nervous. I'm like, what's going to happen? I don't don't have the tools maybe to cope. with this. It's made a lot of other aspects of my life better, I think, at least being aware of it.

Because there's just so many, like, patterns with ADHD where knowing about them helps. Oh, actually, there is one place where we're dating, just knowing ADHD helped. So have you heard of rejection-sensitive dysphoria? Yes. So that is something that I... Can you explain it for people who don't know? I will. I will. So essentially, it's it presents as like, let's say you're on a date and you're like credit card declines. You may internalize that as like, oh my God, they think they hate me. They think I don't have the money for this. This is so embarrassing.

And it's like this on a dime, it like makes you really sad and dejected, I think. and it's such an intense feeling. It manifests in some people as like physical pain, which I found interesting. Oh, I didn't know that. It does for me. It's crazy. I've been learning about this too, like this past week. Can you tell me what happens to you? It happens to me a bit differently because originally I went to therapy to try to figure this out where like if I noticed I was sad and if someone would ask me like, oh my God, are you sad?

That would just like make me start crying immediately. And if people wanted to like figure like, oh, we got to figure this out now. like what's wrong? It would feel like a physical pain and it always feels the same where it's like I have an open wound and someone is like physically trying to like widen it out if they try to push into it. Yeah. And it was an issue with my last boyfriend is like if I was like having a meltdown, he'd be like, we got to figure this out now. What's wrong? And like that always made it worse. And so I just needed like a day to just like calm down and then I could talk about it. But yeah, it truly was like a physical pain. And I learned about RSP recently and that. That's when it clicked from me. I was like, oh, my God, this is what I'm going through.

And I'm more recently reading a book called, like, unmasking autism, I think, which is a really good book, too, if you think you have ADHD or specifically more ASD. And I'm just like autism spectrum disorder, which there's a lot of crossover, especially for women. And, yeah, so I've been reading about this a lot. And, yeah, it's something I've been going through. I went to therapy for it. Originally, they can never figure it out. But now that I know exactly, oh, this is an ASD thing, I now have the tools to actually, like. That's the worst.

It's like, it's just because we don't, we can't always properly, like, identify how these, like, symptoms are presenting and what it actually means.

For me, I was describing something to my psychiatrist and they sent me, like, a paper that was, like, written about RSC.

It was like a segment of a paper. And they were, like, read this and let me know if it, like, tracks for you. And it was like,

what the hell? It, like, felt like my life had been written down. It was, like, making, Like when I was in high school and like a joke would go too far amongst friends, I would just like be in the corner like, you know, and like not talk. I would like stop talking. And I just

wouldn't say anything. And I hated that I was doing it. You know what I mean? But it felt like something came over me. Interesting. It was really, it was like I almost felt like I was outside of myself, like unable to like wrangle control back. I went on Not Xanax. What is it? It's antidepressant because I have... Zoloft or? Yes, I went on Zoloft because I have PMDD.

So like right before my period, I am a different person and I'm like angry for, like, you could literally go, the sky is blue and I'd be like, well, the day's done! And like, it just like, I would be set off for nothing. So I went on, what's it called again? Zoloft. Zolov. Yeah. And Zolop, I don't usually have R.S. whatever. But it like made that. I would feel really out of body. And if somebody said something,

like I remember being at dinner with my friend, I said a word that was bigger than one of my normal words. And then she kind of like made fun of me for it. And I really removed myself. I was like, well, that's exactly. I guess I don't have anything else to say. And then I was like, why can't I talk? And I was like, I just couldn't talk. Because I was like, she's going to make fun of another thing. So with, and it's like more being familiar in naming the thing. And I think that that speaks to just like the how helpful it is to like have a name for something and be able to learn about it. But now when I have that thing in a relationship, like it's like if I'm driving something weird happens and like they're in the passenger seat or something, I've been able to be like,

okay, I'm going through a thing right now. It will pass. I, I, I, I, I, I'm in that mood, though. You know, and it's like, and I don't, and I want to, like, communicate that. And I, it's almost like I'm, like, a prisoner of the moment and I can't escape it, but I can tell you that it's happening. You know what I mean? And that's, like, so much more helpful because I've had, like, partners in the past, especially when I was younger, like, much younger, being like, what's wrong? What's your deal? And I'm like, I can't actually tell you.

Yeah, I can't tell you. I don't know. Not because it's the secret. It's because I don't know. Or the answer is some crazy catastrophizing thing where it's like, because everyone hates me. Don't you get it? And you hate me as well?

And they're like, no, I don't. And I'm like, well, agree to disagree. Yes. But it is interesting figuring out, like, what's going on. Like, I figured out I had PMDD. And now I had to, like, track my periods, which is annoying because I don't keep up with anything like that. But now I can go, it happens 12 to 14 days out.

I like, if I wake up feeling grumpy, I can look at my calendar and then I say to the nice man of my life, I go, it started. Right. And it's not about you. It's like winter is coming. Yeah, truly. And then we have a thing where if I come home and I'm extra grumpy, he goes, how about you take a shower and come back in a better mood? And then I go, hmm, okay. Okay. Okay. Yeah. And it's annoying that like a stepping away helps. Yes. And it's like, but what's so weird is the tunnel vision that you have where it's like, I don't realize that that's an option. Yes. You know what I mean? Yes. It's like, I just want to talk at you about things. And he's like, hey, I'm a person too. Yeah. And then it's funny because I've said this, I said this to my trainer and he was like, I could never talk to my girlfriend like that. And I was like, well, I'm the problem. I'm coming at him.

wrong, all he's telling me is to take a moment to myself. Yeah. So then I take a moment. And it's something you've communicated, right? And it's like if it's a shared understanding, then it doesn't really, it's no one else's business, you know? But it's funny because it's like, this man's my piece and I'm disturbing his. Right, right.

Yeah. I started taking Wellbutrin recently. And I think I'm going to start getting off of it because it like didn't do what it was supposed to help with like, like my. My ADHD, like, meds, for whatever reason, I've always, like, metabolized, like, medication very quickly. And so even though it's, like, extended release or whatever, it's just like Vivance. Oh, and it's not working out?

Well, it works. I've been on it for years, but it's just like it ends very quickly. And so then we've, like, figured out, like, different ways around it. But, like, taking a smaller dose, like, halfway through the day or something. But my psychiatrist was like, oh, maybe the Wolbutrin will, like, we've observed that it can help smooth out that curve. Oh, that drop off. Yeah. And I was like, okay, great, let's try it.

And one of the side effects is just, like, irritability, especially when you're, like, ramping into it. And that irritability was, like, so annoying because I'm just like, everything is annoying to me. Everything is like, ugh. And I hate that. That's what. I can't remember the name of it. Zoloft? Yes, that's what Zolov did.

I was so annoyed. And it came to a head where I went to a dinner where we all dressed like my friend for her birthday. And I kept looking down being like, I'm not, I don't even look like me. I don't feel like me. I was like, I think I'm having a crisis. I had, I think it's crazy how like we understand how these medications work in that like we know where they, like what they operate on. But seemingly things that should do the same thing, like have different. effects in different people.

I have a friend who's been on Zolov for like a decade and she loves it. And she was like, it feels good. And I was like, oh, Lord, no. I can't take Adderall. I took Adderall for the first time. And it was like I felt like I was in the movie Crank. And if I like stopped moving, I would die. You know, it was like.

I like that reference. I just watched Crank. It's so good. The second one, even crazier. Two crank. Very wild. It's a true. of a movie. But yeah, it's just like, it was like, oh, no, like everything's going too, too hard,

too fast or whatever. And, but then I took like various other, you know, things and it's like just normal and fine. It's so weird that, like, you just your body chemistry changes something. Well, Butrin, I don't know if it worked. The only thing I noticed is I wanted to stop smoking cigarettes and I was like, we can't let that happen. So I got off of it. So I could continue. that's funny. That's funny. My addiction. Um, and the only time, because my psychiatrist was like, does the vibe ants make you feel

jittery? And I was like, no. The only thing it does is if I am in a car, if I take it, then get in a car for over 45 minutes. When I get home, I have to get something done. I will start a task and finish it. Interesting. I know.

It's so bizarre. Yeah. Otherwise, if I start the day and I'm like not in a car, I, take my time to do things, but like I know I need to get something done. Yeah. It's so, and then there was one time where the only time I've ever felt like, is I forgot I had taken my medicine. So then I took a double dose.

Oh, my God. Yeah, that's happening to me. And, oh, wait. So I didn't have any more Vibance left because there was a shortage. Yeah. Oh, that was the worst. So I took the guy I was seeing his Adderall, forgot that I had taken the Adderall, took a another Adderall.

And then I knew I had to take another one halfway through the day. And I was like, oh, I'll just take it a little early. And I was... Just everything bunched together. Everything hit at once. And I was in a scene acting. Oh, no. And by the third take, I was doing this.

And I was like, well, I feel like I'm really tethering myself to this chair. And I was like, oh my God, I think I'm... I look like a crackhead. So I was like, okay, close your eyes a little bit more, because they were like this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my, act normal. So the scene, and I've seen it, you can watch me struggling. Oh, my gosh.

Just really struggling, trying, like saying words slightly slower than normal because I was like, hell if I speak like this, nobody will think I'm cracked out. No one will know. Let's take another break. I am so excited to share that this episode is supported by Hinge. Why? Because it's the dating app that actually worked for me. It helped me find the nice man in my life.

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or go to quince.com slash date me. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada and the UK too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash date me. What are red flags for you? Like what is something where you're dating somebody we were like, ah, I think I got to wrap this up. Okay. Tell me if this has happened to you.

You have like a friend or maybe a romantic person in your life and every, they have like a falling out with everyone in their life. Sure. That to me is a red flag where it's like everyone's wronging you. Yeah. You know what I mean? But the common denominator is you. Yeah.

And I never want to say that. Yeah. Oh, you wouldn't. Because I'm like that, this is like so core to how you. I don't think I'm going to say that. And then they like go, whoa, you cracked it. You know what I mean? Like I'm like I'm going to leave you to your own devices, you know, to figure that one out.

I have a friend like that where they have fallen out with almost everybody and they have a reason why. And I'll listen because I'm like, yeah, I'd like to know. Sure. We have history so I don't want us to fall out. But like your reasoning is crazy. Right. It's your wrong. Yeah.

Yeah. I think that's a very good red flag. Green flags for me is like, it's like if you have your own like stuff going on. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like I think that's preferable because it's because I have my own stuff going on too and I don't want to feel like I'm like leaving someone behind by like going and doing my own thing. Yeah. And then I think, you know, people who have something that they're passionate about.

Mm-hmm. Because I get so excited about so many random things. You know what I mean? Yes. Like, and I kind of love that in other people as well because there can be an exchange. And if someone can get enthusiastic about something that they care about, that I'm, like, ready to listen. What is one of the most random things you've been excited about? I am a really big fan of the boy band InSync.

Sure. And I grew up listening to them. And, like, I'm always like, you know, maybe one. One day they'll do a reunion. Whenever Justin slows down. Whenever that world tour. Whenever the tour isn't ruined. Uh-huh.

Which is one of the funniest things. It's so funny. And he's in defense. The tour is ruined. His actions, by the way. The world tour. We found out kind of how he was treating Britney Spears and all these things. Like none of these things are like defensible.

It's more just like the kid and me is thinking about the old band. You can separate the artist from. Within reason. Within reason. Yeah. There was a show at the Will Turn, I think. Oh. Where I was trying to get tickets, but it was, and they had like a little brief reunion. Uh-huh. And Justin was there? Yeah. Yeah. Wow.

But it was very, very brief, because I looked at like videos online that people listen up. And I was like, okay, this isn't the, the reunion. Yes. That's okay. But then also, I'm like, I can remember all the times they've reuned, you know, because there's there's that time and then before that it was like 2013 Justin Timberlake was getting some um some award for uh it's like the like MTV like legacy award it's like the one where it's like the legacy award yeah it's like the Michael Jackson award is essentially like what it was called at the time or at some time and uh which is another funny thing to think about is that in sync and michael

Jackson have performed together at like the MTV VMAs and I don't think about those groups as like overlapping. No. Yeah. But that is wild to think about. It's like old Michael Jackson, like dancing with like in sync. It's very funny to like think about. Um, but yeah. Uh, so there's the kid in me is like, Backstreet Boys have been like back together and touring a ton. And I just was not into the backstory boys like that. Why? I don't know. I think they're fundamentally the better group. I see now this is currently a trending topic online. Is it?

Yeah. And people are discussing. People are discussing. People are discussing. And I'm, firmly in the Insync camp because, look, Lou Pearlman started both these groups. Horrible. Bad man. Horrible band. But Insink was the second try. He was like, I'm going to put together a five-piece harmony. Everyone's going to have like a distinct vocal role.

And they could do like acapella performances. They could do like really, like there's a performance of them doing like the national anthem at some baseball game. And because it was very popular to hate on boy bands at the time, people were like, boo. And then they like start singing and it's like, all right, well, this is really good. You know? But it's one of those things where two nights ago I was in bed and I was doing something related to Pokemon. And then I said, hold the Pikachu. I've got, I am for some reason going to watch every song from the Masked Singer from singers that I know.

And I was like, there was a couple of performances that, like, brought me to tears while they were in, like, a full costume. Was Wendy Williams one? Wendy Williams, no, but Boys to Men was on a season. All of them? Yes. They were... Competing against one another? No.

It was like, okay, it's a little ridiculous that, like, the whole premise of mass singers, you're supposed to guess who it is. Yeah. It's, like, three... Are they mooses or bears? I can't remember what they were. Oh, yeah, they're moose. Moose? Yeah, yeah, looks like moose.

Meese. Ooh, is that the word? I don't know. Neese. Anyway, it's like, yeah, three mooses, and they sing and dance and harmonize, like, boys to men. And then Robin Dick is like, oh, Steve, you wonder. No, this one might be Tyrese, you know? It's like, and, uh, and, um, and, um, and, and, um, and, They, their season, it was like, they, I mean, spoiler alert for mass singer season.

I think they're bulls, sorry. That's what they look like. Oh, yeah. I think they're Buffalo. Buffalo. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They're Buffalo. That's right.

They were incredible. Of course. But it's like, but the thing of, okay, do you have nostalgia for like when old, like, performances were very unassisted? Like, auto tune was very light. Yeah. You know, and it's like, I feel like that's a lost art. Yeah. Have you ever seen Lady Marmalade live where Patty LaBelle comes out at the end and just wails for like a solid two minutes?

Yes. Shaka Khan just re-recorded, I think, through the wire. Yes, incredible. I've seen her live. She is so fucking incredible. She didn't know her set list. She went, good night, everybody. There's one more.

And it was, I was like, yes. 75 or something. And she's killing it. Killing it. But I do love that your random thing you get interested about is good music. I got excited about a tractor the other day crossing the road. I went, oh, a tractor! And then clapped.

Wow. What's another thing that you randomly will look at late at night? I was up with the nice man in my life. And I was like, I got hankering. We got to watch Lady Gaga's Super Bowl performance, please. That is the type of thing that I would watch. It's great. Also, I have to say about mass singer, Amber Riley, who is like Mercedes and Glee.

Has a fucking voice. Oh my God. And she sings Whitney Houston on mass singer. And it's like, it is like just the performance like brought me to tears just because of how it's like just incredible it was. And I was like through the screen and also she's dressed as like some sort of gold lady. She's dressed as a harp. Oh, yeah. She was the harp.

She was a gold. Did she have kids? She was a gold lady. but then a giant harp behind you. Oh my God. That's beautiful. And then a voice coming out of that. It's like perfect.

That would be so, imagine, imagine that woman singing you a lullaby. Wow. I would never go to sleep. I'd be like, mama, more. Mama, please give me more. Why aren't you allowed on Raya? I too was not allowed on Raya. I don't.

Okay. So one, I don't know. Two, I think they hate me. Three, I applied like so many years ago, 2021 maybe. And a thing happened where I got this email from their support where it was like there was a mistake with your application. You click this link to like reapply. And I was like, okay. But then nothing ever came of that. Okay. And I've just been in the wait list for five years, but I have like 40 like referrals or whatever. That's wild. I think it took me three years to get on. Yeah. And I'll tell you

this. There's nothing for you there. That's the other, at this point, it's really just like a, it's a journey. Yes. It's like, I'm trying to make my way back an Odysseus style. That's so, oh, from the Odyssey? I didn't see it. I got it though. I, it's good.

I like it. People really like it. It's good. And it's also like, I don't know, for me, I think we learned a lot of the story in like somewhere in middle school. Sure, yeah. And there were all these things where I was like, oh yeah. And And oh my, like I was, didn't know that was like in the back of my mind.

I got to see it. At first I was like, oh, no, this seems like a movie the teacher is going to show when there's a sub. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then I was like, well, I loved Romeo and Juliet. And that's like a tale as old as time just retelling, reimagined by the incredible Baz Luhrman, who's not gay, did you know? I eccentric, though. Very eccentric, but I love him. But then I was like, yeah, who cares if it's historical?

These stories keep getting told because they're so interesting and fucking. cool. It's also a very contemporary like it's not, the themes are more contemporary. Like they're different than they were in the like original text as I've learned. I haven't read the original but but I've heard

from everyone that Raya sucks. Yeah. I just you want what you can't have. Absolutely. The grass is greener when it's not in your yard. I've also been banned for impersonating myself on like hinge and Tinder and stuff. I was banned on Hinge, Tinder, whatever that kink one is.

They made me take a... Field? Field. Yeah, field. They made me take a picture with a book. Yeah. And I was like, this is humiliating, actually. Yeah.

Where it's like, can we get a 3D model on your face? I'm like, this is being used to train the Decepticons or whatever. That's really funny. But honestly, I was like, you know, I'll finger myself. What are we doing here? I'm not that hungry. There's a certain amount of, um, not how much. helplessness, but desperation, I guess. You're like, you're blocking. You're blocking.

I'm trying to find love. I'm trying to find love on your app. Let me on. And I don't leave my house enough. And that's a problem. And I'm trying to band-aid that problem with the dating house. With the dating apps so I can leave my house. Yes. Let me swipe in my home so I can leave the house. Yes. Finally someone to understand. I get it. I get it. I mean, very rarely am I going out into the world and then making a plan. You make the plan in the house and then you go out into the world, right? And then you got to tell me if we're going to a second location because then I can't full up at dinner. Full up.

I can't full up. Another ADHD thing. I like to, when we deviate from the plan that's in my head, not the real plan. Like if there's a plan, whatever, but if it's against the plan that's in my head, like, if I was like, I want to go home and play video games and then someone's like, oh, we have to stop at this place. I'm like inside screaming. And I know that that's like not a reasonable way to react.

So I'm like, hmm, yes, let's go. But then in reality, I'm in pain. We do have to wrap it up, but I went to an open house. It's one of the most glorious houses I've ever seen. Amazing. There's, so the realtor was like, make sure you go all the way down in the backyard. And I was like, okay. And because I love an open house. I just like to see how people style shit.

And then this one was like so, it was like $5 million. I can't afford that. But so I go all the way down and the backyard is tiered. And then there's a river that runs through this fucking backyard. And then there's swings. There's seats. It is so serene and beautiful. Wow.

And I felt like, I'll give you the address. You should go if there's an open house. And I felt at peace. I was like, whoa. And as I was leaving, I said to the realtor, I was like, oh, my God, thank you so much. These women were walking in. I was like, you have to go all the way down. You have to go all the way down.

And then she's like, oh, we should start outside. And I said, there's so much house. Just make your way down. It's like a freak. And then I brought my friends to the next open house. And then I was actually upset that they weren't looking at the house the way I wanted them to. Oh, like when you're showing someone a video that you like. Yes.

And I was telling this to my therapist and she was like, well, Nicole, those are your friends. They know you have ADHD. You could have said out loud. Do you mind if I show you the house the way I want to since it was my idea to come here? And I was like, well, why can't they just follow the rules in my head? And she was like, well, Nicole, we've worked on that. Speaking of rivers and houses, and this is a great note to end on. Actually, it's horrible, and it's related to Silicon Valley.

When I was an intern at a Silicon Valley tech company, they, as an offsite, took us to one of the, like, I think investors or friends of the CEO, and it was a billionaire's house. And it had like a waterfall, like running in the middle of the house. Wow. Whoa, billionaires are crazy. Then I googled the guy, and all I saw were allegations. So that's the tech industry for you. That's the beautiful friendly note we're going to end on. Here's another question.

Would you date me? Of course. Yeah! We did it. We did it. We also didn't talk about the improv show. Now you have to end the show. Now you have to walk off into the sunset.

I do. Now we're dating. Yeah, now we're dating and you have to end the show. I will remember you. Thank you so much for being here. Thanks for having me. Is there anything you want to promote? No.

Got it. I want to promote. Wait, what's your YouTube channel? It's Jarvis Johnson or Jarvis Johnson Gold. That's where I post more. Oh. And you have a podcast called Sad Boy. Boys with a Z. And where is that found? Everywhere you can find podcasts.

Everywhere you can find pot. How'd you guess? Um, just this feminine intuition. Wow. Um, what day is it released? Uh, it's released every Friday. Same as my podcast. And it's on YouTube as well. And there's a video component if you want to see me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you like this episode of Why Won't you date me, you can like it, follow it, rate at five stars on Spotify and Apple Podcast. You could tell a friend. You can recommend the show on Reddit. It helps. Even though some people on Reddit, don't like me, you could be the change I want to see in the world where people like me. Bring the people that like me to Reddit. Yes.

Yes. And if you write me something, well, nasty, hitting on me, uh, write it to why won't you date me podcast at gmail.com. I'll read it. This person writes, hello, Nicole, and guest, Jervis. I want to start by saying, I'm a gay man. So I mean this with the utmost respect. I hope this is nasty.

I would lay you naked on a table. Yes. And delicately, delicately placed sushi over your naked body, but then, realizing I forgot to bring a dipping sauce, I would start eating you out until your toes curled and each piece of sushi vibrated off your body and you couldn't contain yourself and you came. Then I would pick up each piece of sushi off the floor,

place it back on your body, cover the sushi in your fluids. This is more of a saviche then. And also like, I don't know if you've like experienced sushi with sauce, but the rice is falling off. Now you're barely being able to pick it up anymore. Yes. And savor each piece by slowly licking the sushi up off your body until you were spotless.

Much love always. Boyan, who gave me a pronunciation. Thank you, Boyan. Where are you from, Boyon? Boyan. Tell me. Bye-bye. That was a headgum podcast.

Hi, I'm Nicole Bayer. Hi, I'm Sashir Zameda. And this is the podcast, Best. Best friends. Headgum. So this is just a podcast where we just talk. We're best friends. We talk.

And then we have a segment where we answer questions and queries. So audience members can ask questions about friendships and we can answer them to the best of our abilities. We are professional friends. We are professional friends. Subscribe to Best Friends on Spotify, Apple Podcast, Pocketcast, or wherever you get your podcast. and watch videos on YouTube. New episodes drop every Wednesday. That's the middle of a work week.

I was deeply unhelpful to you during that whole thing. You were. I'm really sorry. I felt the support. I was so, okay. I was trying to be supportive. Yeah.

But I was like, I don't know, reading seems pretty hard right now. It's a lot. I think you did good. Thank you so much. You're welcome.