Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - The Art of Online Stalking (w/ Sona Movsesian)

Episode Date: August 26, 2022

Conan's assistant, Sona Movsesian (author: The World’s Worst Assistant) is here! Sona shares how she met her husband at Comic-Con, the art of online stalking a date, giving your number to your waiter, and dating guys who just wanted to get close with Conan. Plus, Nicole pitches her new business idea: Rent-A-Baby.  Black Lives Matter. Click here for an updated list of over 100 different things you can do to support racial justice.   Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could fill my pillows with cum. And I would say, this pillow's kind of flat.

My guest. My guest today. You now are from Conan O'Brien's three iterations of his show. Two. Two. He's had three, but I've been a part of two of them. Oh, fuck me. I'm fucking up your intro.

And guess what? It was written for me. And I was going to just raw dog it, but I'm going to read it. Okay. My guest today, because I i'm also gonna fuck up your name and i'm really scared about it okay you practiced it nicole don't put it in your head that you're gonna mess it up okay okay i'm gonna do really good and i wrote it phonetically okay my guest today is conan o'brien's longtime assistant she's the co-host of conan o'brien

needs a friend podcast here on Team Coco. And she's got a new book, The World's Worst Assistant, which is available when? Now. Ooh, baby. I have Sona Movsesian. Oh my, not, I'm sorry. Hold the phone. Not only did you pronounce it great, you pronounced it like Armenians pronounce it.

Oh my God, I'm Armenian. it great you pronounced it like armenians pronounce it oh my god i'm armenian you are now yes thank you for doing that that's really nice you crushed it that was a really nice intro thank you thank you for helping me with it in the beginning um like okay names are hard I once had to announce the cast of one day at a time which is all Hispanic yeah and Spanish descendant names and I had I was I did so poorly so I would say it and it was written finically in the prompter so I would say their names and then when they sat down I'd be like you can say your name how it's pronounced i'm really sorry and then there was a very easy name that i really butchered just so they felt included it was like tim smith and i was like damn small it's just so hard to read so now how are you i'm good and i think that part of your problem is you already tell yourself that you can't do it and i think that you have to change your mentality and say this name is easy to pronounce and then you'll be able to pronounce it i feel like you're your

own worst enemy okay i think you're right i think a lot of people get in the way of themselves yeah yeah exactly you can pronounce any name if we can pronounce arnold schwarzenegger as an entire country we can pronounce any name you know what you're right what is arnold he's he's austrian austrian where's austria who the fuck knows austria reminds me of um no that's not nice people who are those people who sang on the mountain? They were Austrian, right? They were Austrian. The Sound of Music. Yes. Yeah, the Von Trapp family.

Yeah, they were Austrian. I feel like that's the last representation of Austrians I've seen on television. You know what? There needs to be more Austrian representation on TV. What is happening? What's going on? We need to have more of them. Sona, I have a question. Yeah. You have a husband, right? What is happening? What's going on? We need to have more of them.

Sona, I have a question. Yeah. You have a husband, right? I do. I do have a husband, which is shocking, I think, to everybody. How? No, that's not shocking. It is. I would like, no.

Uh-uh. It is. Uh-uh. Nicole, if you knew me during my dating life, you would be shocked. Why? Okay, then let's start there. Tell me about your dating life. I mean, I was a serial dater.

I just dated a lot. And it was always just these, you know, dead ends. Guys who just weren't available. Guys who weren't ready to settle down. And then I got into a point where I would just like, you know, if I really liked someone, I would go up to them. I would pursue them. I would reach out to them. And then it never worked out. And then I met my husband and it was just really easy. I don't know how it happened. He's the first real relationship I've been in. And he's the longest term relationship I've been in. And it's, he's awesome.

What do you mean by first relationship? Is this the first time you were like, you're my boyfriend? No, he's my first real relationship. Like, I think I said, you're my boyfriend to like a few, a couple other guys, but they weren't really. Then I met him and I was like, is this how I'm supposed to be treated? This is what it's supposed to be. Okay. How does, how did he treat you?

So I know to look for the signs. Someone actually likes me. He treated me like a person, Nicole. I think that's the crazy thing about it. I think that like, I don't know if you're like this with guys, but I used to just be like, uh, well, he texted me. And it's been two weeks, but at least he texted me. So I should just keep going with this. And there were so many moments where I was just like frustrated and like just annoyed. And why aren't they communicating? Why aren't they reaching out to me? And then my husband, I met him. He reached out all the time. He wanted to see me all the time, which is another shocking thing. And he never got annoyed with me. So I was like, I just remember just being like, when is that going to stop?

And it just hasn't. He put a ring on it. I'm still pretty shocked about it. How did he propose to you? We were in Oahu, and we took a hike to a waterfall. And we were swimming, and he was like, hey, do you want to get married? And he said it in a way where he was, I thought he was talking abstractly. Like he's like, hey, is marriage something you want one day? And I was like, yeah, it is. And he's like, do you want to marry me?

And I remembered, I was like, yeah, I do. And then I started crying and it was really sweet. And then we got out of the water and he's like, let me find something to put around your finger. Like just to, you know, as a placeholder for your ring. And then he went to his backpack and got like the actual engagement ring. He was just planning at the right time to ask me. And it was really, really sweet. Very, very sweet. That is sweet.

How did you two meet? We met at Comic-Con, Nicole. In sunny San Diego? Yes, you should be on the tourism board. Yeah, I was walking around. Have you been to Comic-Con? So, okay, I just went to Comic-Con. I did not go on the floor because that scared me.

But I did go to this great big party. I think it was the Entertainment Weekly party. That was fun. And then I just went to my panels. And then I went to this restaurant called Anime, which had delicious food. But everything else I ate there was very bad. You didn't ask me that. No, you can bring food into it at any point.

I'm happy to talk about that stuff. So I went on the floor. So the last, so Conan used to do a week of shows there all the time. And I went on the floor, which is a clusterfuck. And I was walking around with my friend. Tack was there because he likes comic books. And he was walking around with his friend.

And our friends knew each other. So we're walking around, and they see each other, and they're like, oh, my God, Katie. And then she's like, oh, my God, David. And then they start talking, and then he's with her, and I'm like, who is this hot guy? And then, you know, I started talking to him, but I thought he was maybe with Katie. So I was trying to be respectful, and then he and I were talking to him, but I thought he was maybe with Katie. So I was trying to be respectful. And then he and I were talking. We had some basic conversation, didn't exchange numbers.

So the next day, I asked David. I said, David, who's that friend we ran into at Comic-Con? And he's like, oh, that was my friend Katie. And then I stalked her on Facebook. Nicole. Yes, queen stalked her on Facebook. Nicole. Yes, queen. I love stalking. I stalked her on Facebook

just to see if it said like in a relationship with, you know, tech. And it didn't. And I was like, okay. And I looked for his picture

and I had, I found him and I found his profile. And when I went to his profile, there was a friend request. He had sent me like six months earlier that I just ignored and he's Armenian. So he had watched the Conan and Armenia special and he friend requested me and I ignored it. Like I ignored all the other friend requests and then I just accepted it.

And then he sent me a message and then we we that that's a year later, we were engaged. Oh, my word. What a dream. That sounds like it was like meant to be. But then also, it feels like I missed an opportunity by not going on the floor of Comic Con to find the love of my life because I was feeling overwhelmed. find the love of my life because I was feeling overwhelmed. You know what? I think you made the right decision. I think that it is overwhelming.

Also, you are, you know, you are Nicole Byer. I think it would have been, it wouldn't have been smart for you. People would have recognized you. You'd be surprised. Nobody really recognized me at Comic-Con. I doubt that. Just like walking in the streets and stuff, nobody noticed. Really? Because I was wearing my mask a lot of the time because I was like,

if I die from nerd COVID, I'll be so mad floating around heaven. Oh my God, is nerd COVID different? I don't know, but there's something about someone looking up from a comic book and sneezing in my face that i was like not for me oh my god well you made the right decision i you know i don't know i don't know if comic-con is it worked for me but i don't know if it's like the place to go to you know meet your future husband for but maybe maybe i could have found a non-covid riddled nerd who was like hey nicole uh oh no i never thought of it i don't know what i'd want a man to say to me are you are you into guys who are like into

who are fans of comic books or into that kind of stuff? I guess. I guess I'm just into someone who's like passionate about something. I don't like people who are indifferent, who are like, I don't know. I go with the flow. I don't have a love. Yeah, I agree with you. I like that. I like when guys are just like, I really love Batman.

Or I really, I mean, that's kind of a weird thing. But I really love woodworking. I liked it. Yeah, I really, I mean, that's kind of a weird thing, but I really love woodworking. I liked it. Yeah. I really love airplanes. Like that's the model, you know, the Airbus 360. I have no idea.

Like I have a, like a strange fantasy of a man teaching me about like basketball. And I'm like, oh my God, that's how they do the points wait would you really like dumb yourself you don't dumb yourself down do you no i don't but i've been on dates where i'm like you don't say the sky is blue you just like pretend that you maybe didn't know i I don't know. I just, I don't know how to date. I don't really know how to flirt. Oh my God. So I'm on, you wait, how long ago did you meet your husband? It's been six years.

Six years. That's a nice long time. So did you miss out on dating apps? No. I did. I did Tinder once. And this is a quick story. I matched with a guy. We went back and forth. We set a date. I completely forgot about the date. Just completely forgot. I know. So I'm hanging out with my nieces. And I'm like, we're having a good time. Then I look at my phone

and the guys texted me a bunch of times. And I felt terrible. So you know what I did, which a friend of mine recommended, she goes, tell him you're going to be, so we were supposed to meet at seven. So she said, tell him you're going to be at this bar at nine o'clock and he's welcome to either stand you up or show up. It's up to him. So he can either do it back to you or he can show up if he's still interested, which is what I did. So he can either do it back to you or he can show up if he's still interested, which is what I did. So that same night I said, I'm so sorry. Why don't we meet here at nine o'clock and you're welcome to stand me up and I won't be angry about it. And it'll hopefully make you feel better that I forgot about our date. But he showed up and he was a little aggressive.

Oh, no. A little handsy, but it was fine. Which apps are you on? Okay, I'm on all of them. Hinge, OkCupid, Tinder. I was on Coffee Meets Bagel, but you have to do work and earn beans. I'm also on Raya, which is not fun. But recently on Hinge, this person likes me,

and they wrote, it a little funny that you're actually on the site, but I'm glad you're here, and more surprised that you haven't been snatched up already, which is very, very nice, but then they have zero pictures of themselves, and one of the prompts is, this is my year for healing. No picture, no picture, picture no picture i'm convinced that

and then his answer is i'm not ready to be on this app oh and then the prompt is i recently discovered that and then i said i'm still damaged from my last relationship ah i'm like then why did you message me did you respond no because why did you message me if you're not ready for your next relationship? Because this is an app to maybe get into a relationship, you know? I don't know. Maybe some guys think they're not ready, but then when they meet somebody who they're excited about, guys move on pretty quickly. Oh. At least as far as, I don't know.

I mean, most of the guys that I've heard about have, you know, they move on pretty quickly. So I think if they meet the right person, they're like, who was my last girlfriend? I feel like people in general, like there's just like a group of people, male, female, non-binary, however you identify, who can move on super quick. Because I have a lady friend who

always she's never like without somebody she i think the longest i've ever seen her singles like three weeks i'm not like that i'll date someone for a month and then mourn them for six months and be like what was me what would have been i'm a soul. I didn't even need to date them to be sad about it. I used to just get so invested. My friend made a joke once. He said that he went on like one good date with this guy and then he started thinking about wedding hashtags. Like he was, you know, it's just so easy to get so carried away in your head if somebody shows you some interest. And I remember I used to do that all the time. I'd be like, oh my God, we're going to get married. We're going to have kids. They're going to buy a house and I love him. And then he would just ghost me or he

would send this long text being like, hey, I just don't think I'm ready to date. You seem you're cool, but I'm sorry. I'm just not ready ready and then I would just be in this like depression for longer than I feel like I should have been but I I think I was just mourning the life we could have had together yeah I sometimes will think of like like vows to say to somebody that I've met maybe one time I was like I promise to like hold you and love you and take many about trips with you and roller skate with you. And it's like, I don't know this person and I'm just saying a bunch of stuff I like to do. Oh my God.

And then sometimes in the shower, I can like get myself to like tears and be like, I can't believe we're getting married. And you know, I'm, I'm too old for that. But no, you're not. I don't think anyone's too old to think about their vows that they're going to have with someone they're barely dating. I think it's normal for everyone to get a little carried away. I think, I don't know. I think it is. I'm always getting carried away. And recently I started thinking about this dude that I was dating right before the pandemic. And I was like, how lucky for him that a global pandemic happened. What a great excuse to stop seeing somebody that you weren't feeling.

Well, it could have gone the other way, though. You guys could have like really just hunkered down together. That's what I thought was going to happen. But that's not what happened. He was like, I don't know if we should see each other. Things are getting bad out here. And then I was like, all right, hit me up when the pandemic ends. And then cut to two years later.

And it's still raging. And I think he's engaged because she's a stalker well not a stalker i'm just a sleuth oh she's you're okay no way there's a will there's a way if you've made it public i will find it thank you don't put it up on the internet if you don't want me to find out what your address is and i know sometimes the addresses aren't up there publicly, but they're public records. It's easy to find these things. You can find it. Yeah, but I've never gotten to that length. But it's shocking. I have a friend who's... Are you good at online stalking? Well, I mean, it's just it's very much like the catfish method. I'm not like Google image

searching. I'm just looking at tagged pictures on Instagram of maybe a mutual friend that I know that we both know to find them to find their like if we meet a bartender at a bar, I can find their Instagram is very easy. Okay, yeah, I agree with you. I think that it is easy. And I think that it's it's honestly, it's fun. It was for me the best part about dating was to kind of stalk them you know when I stopped doing that though was when I met my husband I didn't look at anything about him before I started dating him really you weren't curious into ruining surprises no because I also didn't want to see pictures of him like hugging other girls and like his ex-girlfriends or

whatever and like you know I don't want to see that see that's what I like the most when I get to find out what your ex looks like to find out if you're just replacing her or you have a wide variety of flowers that you like but do you I see okay once I was dating this guy for about two and a half years and that's such a long time it was but we were like dating he He wasn't my boyfriend. He would he was a musician. So he would travel a lot and he would come back and then he would see me when he was in town. And it was really kind of unfulfilling for me at least. But then we went to a burlesque show. And there was a girl on stage who was gorgeous. And he came once to

meet up with me and he goes, Hey, that's my ex-girlfriend. I was like, what the fuck? Why would you go from her to me? She's stunning. Like she was just like skinny and she was bendy and she was hot. And then the next day, me and a friend of mine just stalked her for like two hours

just because we were fascinated with her. And you know, usually you see an ex and you're like, oh, she sucks. She's not as hot as I am. This one I was like, oh, no, she's really hot. And I get it. And I'm flattered. He would date her and also date me. But it was rough.

Whenever the ex is like super, super hot, I'm like, oh my God, that means I'm hot too. Yes. Yes. He has a type and it's hot girls and you're a hot girl. So there you go. Yeah. I like me. What a funny thing to say.

I know that was weird, but I like it. I like me. I'm hot. Good. Okay. So like you said you dated a lot. Yeah. Did you always live in California or did you ever live on the East Coast?

No, I always lived in. I was always in L.A. Really? Yeah. I feel like dating in L.A. is so fucking hard. It is hard. It's hard. I mean, I don't know.

I used to. Do you go out a lot? Do you go to like bars a lot and stuff? Yeah. But when I do, it's usually with like a gaggle of people like the last bar I went to I went after this like it's a

show called bad drag race so it's like not you know Queens that you're like oh you're TV ready it's like kind of it's like okay maybe I'll light you in the back alley and I'll be okay so like we walked in and i think people were like oh boy these people are weird i was also wearing like a poofy dress

and sketchers so like i don't know i go out sometimes but when i do it's in a big old group of weirdos oh see that's but also you're not gonna i don't know maybe you will at drag shows i don't know but i i would go to bars a lot. And then also, so I would go to bars a lot. If I saw someone I liked, I would pursue them. And then I was also that girl, if a friend of mine liked a guy, I would, you know, we would be walking and I would gently shove her into him. Wow. So I'm really good at like instigating, initiating conversation with people.

And then other times I would write my name and number on a bill. If I was into a waiter, I would write my info on the check. for their pasta mama, which is a breakfast pasta with eggs, bacon, sausage, parmesan cheese, and some al dente noodles. It's my favorite. And some weird, like, buttery, yum, yum, garlicky sauce.

Anywho, I was so satisfied with my pasta mama, I gave the server my number, and then he texted me. Okay. And then I was like, okay, do you want to, like, go on a date me okay and then i was like okay do you want to like go on a date or something and he was like oh uh sorry i don't want to like lead you on and i was like

what and why did you text me yeah and then he never answered he had long blonde hair and if he still works there i hate you no i Don't kill him. It's whatever. You got to go back there for your pasta, mama. You should be nice. Oh, boy. It's so good. I love Hugo's. I totally get that.

I get that. But yeah, I don't know. I mean, I think there was, I had no trouble finding casual guys to date. I had trouble finding good guys that were like long-term, like relationship guys. You know, but then I found one and that was enough yeah i mean all you need is one yeah and that's what i'm looking for somebody to be in a relationship with me somebody to like me and you want a serious BF? Like you don't.

I think so. You wouldn't do like a BC, a booty call? Like you wouldn't have someone just kind of. I don't want a booty call because like I've been there. I've done that. I've had a fuck buddy. I've had a bunch of one night stands. I want someone to like to wake up to, to go to sleep to.

Who's like, hi friend, let's go on a trip. Or like, I made cookies. I don't know. I don't know what a relationship is. I made cookies. I made cookies. I don't know. Okay.

So wait, what's it like with your husband? Does he make cookies? He makes me breakfast. He's really good at making breakfast. And I think he started making breakfast because I just stopped. And so he just taught. It's not like he always made breakfast. It's, we have kids now.

So I was like, I'd make them food. I just don't make him food. And I think, yeah. How many kids do you have? I have two. I have twin boys. Twins? Two at a time.

I went from zero to two at once. And it's, you know, it's a lot. They're kids, but they're really fun. I like them a lot. I think I'm going to keep them. Wait, when did you have them? I had them last July. They're over a year old.

Oh, my God. Do you have a favorite yet? Oh, not really. Sometimes I'm, there's days where I'm like, you're my favorite. And then other days where he acts like a dick. And then I'm like, no, you're not my favorite anymore. You're my favorite now. And then, then that one will act like a dick. Like they're just, I think just, you know, they, I'd like them both. I love them both equally. There are moments when one of them is just easier to deal with than the other, but there's no favorites.

I can't have a favorite. I'm a mom. That's the correct answer. No, I'm kidding. There is no correct answer. I think about babies, and I want one, but not to keep. I wish there was a rent-a-baby that I could like go play with a baby. That would be so fun.

Get some baby time and like, okay, so, okay, here's my pitch for rent a baby. Yeah. So you go to the rent a baby center and you pick out the baby you want. And then the mom is like,

great, hold my baby while I take a nap. And then the mom gets to nap. Well, like you, I get to hold this baby in a in a in a public place where there's consequences if i steal it good good that's good at least you thought about the stealing part that's good that makes your business plan a lot more solid right i would you know what not only do i think that's a great idea i would take my babies there and rent them out so I could nap. That would be really fun.

I think it's a good idea for moms. I think it is too. Who wants to, what's it called? Fund my idea. Yes. I'm listening with capital. I think it's a good idea. I think it's an excellent idea.

I would totally rent my babies out for like a little while. That would be fun. You know what? Do you have any siblings? Do they have kids? I have one sister. She does not have kids. Okay. I don't know. She's a teacher, so she hangs out with kids all day. So maybe she won't want any of her own. But she should so that you could have a niece or a nephew because that's really fun. Being an aunt is basically like renting a baby because you just hang out with them. And when shit gets real, you just walk away. I don't know.

She might be more of like a dine-in person and doesn't like takeout. I think she likes to just have the kids there and not bring them home. Okay. All right. Well, that makes sense. I'm a little bit like that too. But then I'm like, what happens if I hit like 50 or 60? Oh my God.

Or God bless 90. We're all like living longer, which is, I think, rude. Because my ankles and knees already hurt. I can't imagine what it's going to be like when I'm 60. My back hurts all the time. But I'm like, yeah, who's going to take care of me? Well, whoever you end up with. I think that if you are cool and you are pretty or not pretty, but if you are cool and you are like an attractive person, cause you don't

have to be pretty to be attractive. I think every single person who is cool and pretty and fun and you are cool and pretty and fun will end up with someone. Do you know what i mean like i i didn't want to like over uh generalize here's the thing even ugly people end up with people that's true that's what i'm saying and you're looking in the mirror and you're like i am pretty ugly guess what you're beautiful to yourself and you don't have to look good for anybody that's why i changed it from no you're not you don't have to look good for anybody that's why i changed it

from no you're not you don't have to be outwardly pretty you have to just be attractive to somebody and i think that like i think that everybody can easily find someone there's my friend erica says there's a pot to every lid and i really do believe that um but yeah i don't know that to my kitchen i have so many lids that have no pots. And I don't want to get rid of them in case the pots show up again. But here's the real question. Where are these pots going? Wait, you're losing the pots and not the lids?

I thought you were losing the lids. Who loses the pots? I have a lot of lids and no pots. And then I'm like, am I burning the bottoms of these pots and throwing them away? Or like, I don't know. I can't explain and throwing them away? Or like, I don't know. I can't explain it to you. I can't. I don't know.

I ordered lids and because of like the supply chain bullshit, it took a year for them to get to me. Oh, no. So I was just chilling with lidless pots. I'm so sorry. God bless. Real quick, we got to take a break. That was a great ad read I did. We're back. So how did you get your job as Conan's assistant? I worked at NBC before I worked for him.

And then when I found out he was moving from New York to L.A., I was like, I'm going to get a job working for Conan. And then I just kind of manifested it. And then I talked to HR. And then they're like, well, he's going to apply. He's going to they're going to post jobs for his show, you know, in the fall. So I kept looking every day. And then they posted a PA job, like just a production assistant job. And I applied for it. And then they saw my resume and they thought, hey, maybe she can be Conan's assistant.

And then they removed it out of the pile. And then I interviewed. Then I interviewed again. And then I just got it. It was just kind of a boring interview process. I wish it was cooler, but it's not. I mean, that's, I would say 90% of how people get jobs. It's like you interview or you audition.

Because people have asked me how I get things and I'm like, auditioning. A hundred times you say these lines and then there's script provisions and then you say one line differently or you have a meeting and they go, we think you can do it. And you go, okay. Yeah. And you have to be lucky. You got to be lucky timing wise. Yeah.

You have to be at the right place at the right time. Yeah, I know. Which is very hard to do. Wait, Sona, you asked me earlier if I have siblings. Do you have a sibling? I do have a brother. How old? My brother is a year older than me. if I have siblings. Do you have a sibling? I do have a brother. How old? My brother is a year older than me, so he's 41.

Is he single? He's married and has two kids. But does he like them? He does. He does like them. I think he's going to stick with them. Sorry. Do you, you know what?

That is the best way to meet people, if you have friends who have friends. No, here's the thing. Every friend I've ever asked in the whole wide world is like, you know what? I do have that one single friend. Oh, you know what? He's pretty bad. Oh. And I'm like, okay, cool.

I am shocked that you have trouble that you have because you are, again, I'm going to, sorry, I compliment a lot. You are so just like sweet and beautiful and personable and funny. And I think that like guys want to have fun and they'll have fun with you. So I don't know why this is hard. I think so. I mean, I get it. It's LA.

I feel like a lot of people are always like looking for better or hotter. And I'm not saying I don't think I'm hot. I just know that like she's a lot. I talked about. I felt like that way. Yeah. I felt like I was a lot. You're not a lot.

I don't think that's true. Well, thank you i know whoever um catches me in a pokeball is gonna have to be like i like all of this person and i can't wait to see what she evolves to okay so like are you not familiar with pokemon you don't get my pokemon reference i'm so sorry i know i missed the pokemon okay, Ash Ketchum has Pokeballs. Pokemon. And he's got to catch them all, and then they evolved. Did you know? I didn't know they evolved.

I know people are listening right now. They're like, how did you not know how Pokemon works? I also completely missed the train on Harry Potter, so there's a lot that I don't even know. Yeah, there's a lot. Well, here's the update on Harry Potter. J.K. Rowling is bad. Oh, no. here's the update on harry potter jk rowling is bad oh no she's got some hot takes that kind of ruined the series for me oh man yeah she's i think it's called a turf or something

i don't know she believes that like trans women are trying to erase women but i was like but then if you don't acknowledge trans women aren't you erasing trans women yes aren't you or like who also like nobody's bothering you you got so much money how about you take a nap aren't trans or the turf isn't that like they they don't think that trans women should be able to like play sports or like go to the bathroom for their the gender i think so and it's bizarre to me i don't get that i don't and it's weird because she always seemed very progressive so that's kind of a bummer yeah i don't know i have like a whole like i just don't get why anybody's interested in things that don't pertain to them yeah do you know what i mean yeah i was i remember i was having a conversation with someone about the trans community and I googled it.

And I think it's something like 1% of the entire country identifies as trans. And I'm like, why is there so much hoopla over 1% of this country? Why can't we just let them just live as they want and accept them? Let them just live as they want and accept them. And, you know, I just, I'm very confused by how it's become such a talking point for some people. Like this is dumb. Yeah, it feels very wild and insane. And I can't like put my finger on like why it matters so much to people. Just like when people are like, I don't like the they them pronouns.

But I'm like, but you like he, she, but i'm like but you like he she those are also pronouns so like what like who cares when you address a group you say them like what is wrong with it what's wrong with everybody i don't know it's 2022 let's be free i know there's a lot going on around like what's happening why is this is this happening? Why are we doing this? Why is this happening, guys? And then you like, try to smile, but then there's tears behind the smile. And you're like, okay, everything's just going up in flames, but it's okay. Yeah. Feels wild. Wait, are you still technically Conan's assistant? No. I am still technically Conan's. So I've done it for 13 years. I've ingrained myself so much in his life that he can't just be like,

okay, you're not my assistant anymore. But I don't do scheduling. I don't like book his travel. I don't do a lot of what normal assistants do. But I am sort of, I am like a go-between between him and a lot of other people just because I always have been. Oh, I see. Yeah. I just got an assistant and it's so helpful.

Is it? I don't know how I did all of it by myself before. before. I think it maybe it was a point of pride that I was like, I do all my scheduling and my travel and I book shows and I write jokes and I work and I write emails back to people and I buy things and I return them. Oh, my God. Nicole, like you just got it recently. I got one recently. Yes. Why did it take so long? Because I didn't realize how much work my manager's assistants were doing for me. And I didn't realize that they were technically like my scheduling assistants. And then everything else I was like, well, I can do it. Why pay somebody?

And I am famously the cheapest woman in America. I'm very cheap. Are you? Oh, I'm so cheap. I needed to get a whole new hvac system in my place and i was like do i really need it and then i spent a day in the heat and i was like yeah what am i doing it's hot why would i ever but then i'm like i have no problem being like dinner's on me because like i get to see a bunch of people be happy. I think I have a problem like spending money on myself. That's really nice. It's nice that you do that for other people. But for someone who's

so happy with herself, for you not to treat yourself sometimes and just like enjoy your hard-earned money is surprising. Well, I feel like maybe there's a disconnect where I'm like, well, I earned that money making other people happy. So I should spend it making other people happy. Oh, my God. Am I realizing something about myself? I think I am. How kind of wild.

I mean, it took forever for me to go to therapy because I was like, well, who really cares? I can figure it out or whatever. Yeah. And then I had a friend who was like, I'll just find one for you. And then it was like in front of me. So I like oh well i can't say no it's literally in front of me and that was one of the kindest things my friend marcy did that for me it was one of the kindest things i think a friend has done for me that's very sweet but yeah it's hard to do things for myself yeah i get that and speaking of therapy i get what you're saying. For me,

when I first started, Coden's very open about going to therapy. And culturally, I didn't know anybody who went to therapy before I met him. And I was like, why are you going to therapy? Can't you just talk to your friends? And then over time, I was like, oh, I get it. This is why. And I, you know, it's a really interesting thing to just be like, oh, you can just talk to someone who studied behavior and studied minds and knows patterns and can analyze your behavior in a helpful way. It's so interesting. But yeah, you really need to

figure out why, because you need to be able to take care of yourself. I mean, I was like, my, my, one of my friends said, your last check should bounce. And I was like, yeah, my last check should bounce. I should spend all of my money. Who cares about if my kids are set up oh i get it like the last like the last check right before you go the last check you write i get that yeah oh that's fun isn't that fun oh isn't that fun i worked really hard to set my sister up for whatever reason i think she's gonna outlive me and when i did my living will she was the lady was like who do you want to be your executor i was like well my sister she's like do I think she's going to outlive me. And when I did my living will, she was, the lady was like, who do you want to be your executor?

I was like, well, my sister, she's like, do you want to name a second? And I was like, I guess I should in case we're on a boat together and we die. But then I was like, well,

I'll probably be on a boat with, you know, my friend who I'd named as executor. And then she finally was like, why do you keep putting it on a boat? Why do you think you're going to die on a boat? Oh, ma'am,

I don't know. It's an idea that got stuck in my head, and I said it out loud. But yeah. Do you have a living will? I don't. Should I? Everyone with any sort of nice, sizable, monetary, what is it called? Net worth should.

Even if you have a couple thousand dollars or whatever if you have over a certain amount of money and you don't have an estate or a living will the state of california after you die takes that money and then your next of kin has to go to the state to petition to get it back and then you have to pay taxes on it so like if you have a living will and an executor of your living will the executor gets your money like directly to them with like not that much resistance from the state of california oh my god yeah so like if you have a house as an asset that goes to the state of california if you die if you have a net worth over a certain amount so So you... Oh, my God.

Yes. So everybody, if you live in this, I don't know other states, but if you have any sort of money that you would like to go to somebody, you should have a plan set up. That is fascinating. No one's ever told me that.

And I have a house. Nobody tells you any sort of like financial things. So like when my dad passed away he did not have a living will he didn't have any sort of will so then it went to the next of kin next of kin was his wife his wife had died i think four years prior my mom had died before my dad he just never tied up loose ends or took her off accounts oh no then we had to prove that she was dead and then my sister had to like do all of this paperwork call a bunch of it was like a lot of work so then when i bought my house i was like well if something happens to me i wanted to go

straight to her and then i just had to ask a bunch of questions and then that's what i came to and honestly correct me in the comments if i'm wrong but i'm pretty sure that's what it is oh it is it's really interesting that nobody tells you about that nobody tells you that you don't have to just throw your money in the stock market you can get mutual funds which are less volatile but you will make money in the end oh or you don't need to take a life insurance policy to then make money on it because those are weird and like volatile or whatever um like you don't have to do a lot of i don't know it's weird nobody tells you shit financial tips with nicole buyer i think you're right though just put your money in savings put it in a money market account so you gain a little bit more interest oh my god i do know, what's funny is my brother is a financial advisor and I can

ask him questions and I don't. Ask him questions. I mean, if it weren't for him, I would have no plan for retirement, but even on the very basic level, but he tells me all the time. He, when I was, uh, I wanted to move out of the apartment I was renting and I had saved some money. And, uh, I, he was like, you got to buy something, buy a piece of property, buy a condo, buy a house. Like you should just buy something. And I go, I don't know. I feel like I just want to rent forever. And he goes, Sona, he goes, what do you have to show for yourself? And it was so brutal. But then I bought a condo and it was the best thing I did. rent it out now but it's just

I need to ask questions a lot of people will go well I like renting because I don't want to fix things on my own yeah if you get a condo there's a homeowners association board where a lot of the things cosmetic and otherwise get fixed by the money that you put into the board. Yep. And people don't know that. I don't, it's just, it's all so insane. It is crazy. Nobody tells you.

I don't know. I know I, when I graduated college, I think my loans weren't even as high as most people. I think it was like 25 or 30 grand and it took me 13 years to pay that shit back. And I was working the whole time well nobody ever told me so credit cards were presented to me in a way where it was buy now pay later and i said oh my god yes so then i got a bunch of credit cards and then i was buying now and she was not

paying later and then i like if someone and she was not paying later. And then if someone told me, if you paid the minimum, it was gonna take me 100 years to pay off $100, I would have been like, well, that's not buy now, pay later. That's buy now and be very sad for a long, long time until you can pay later. And I was like, they should teach financial literacy in school.

Yeah, you're 100% right. It's so important. Nobody does, which is the big part of that problem with student loans is that these people are like, no, no, no, take out these loans and then you can pay them back. And then all of a sudden, a $20,000 loan is like $100,000 after the maturity of the loan and how long it takes to pay it off. It is insane. And then all these kids are doing what you do, which is, I remember hearing a story. It was an awful story about this kid who had gotten a lot of credit cards, had had a lot of debt in student loans. And then when they

graduated, they were so overwhelmed with how much debt they had that they took their own lives because they just didn't know how they were going to climb out of that hole and it's awful and then when you're actually faced with how much you have to pay off you're like oh my god i'm stuck in this forever it's brutal it's awful it does suck also they don't tell you that when you buy a house and if you do do a 30-year loan the interest that you for the most part with the what is it your the percent what is it it's like the interest rate with the current interest rate i did the math and i was like so i'm gonna pay the bank in 30 years the full price of my house plus what my house is worth yeah so if your house is a hundred thousand dollars you pay the bank a hundred thousand dollars making you so technically this hundred thousand dollar house you've paid twice over yeah yeah and then they tell you they're like don't pay

off your house yeah put your put your money somewhere else but i was like how is my money gonna double somewhere else i'm gonna pay off my house and then hopefully make more money and then put it somewhere else yeah it's so wild like at like the bank like when i was like paying more on the principal she was like don't you want to put that money somewhere else and i was like no bank lady i sure don't the bank doesn't want you to pay it off because then they don't miss out on all that interest that you're going to give them.

It's so wild. I know. I know. This is why rich people work the system so well is because they know this stuff. Yes. Somebody tells them. Someone tells them.

They get financial advisors who could be a brother in their life. So I'm looking at you. You have a financial advisor. You're not utilizing him. I know. It's so dumb. And he's just right there. He's begging me to ask him to help him out. For me to help for him to help me out with stuff.

And I'm just like, I'm okay. I think. And now I'm just like, no, I'm not okay. I'm a mess. And I need to start figuring my shit out. I mean, I'm almost 40. I need to get my shit together. I mean, it's time 40. I need to get my shit together. I mean, it's time. I think you're doing well.

Real quick. Real quick. We got to take a break. I have a question. As Conan's assistant, before you met your husband, did you have, okay, I call them chuckle fuckers for comics did you have i guess it's a chuckle by association fucker yes no guys who just date me because to be close to conan yes yeah i used to i used to every at some point, I think it was when he started putting me on the show more often, we started doing videos. Most guys I dated, I was like, are you just dating me to get closer to Conan? Like, and some of them would be like, I'm a huge Conan fan. And I was like, I don't know if I want to know that. I don't know if that helps. I don't know if this is good. And yeah, it really made me question a lot of guys for a while. Yeah.

It's funny because it's a person, but people don't realize it's kind of the same thing as like, I'm really into Starbucks. You work at Starbucks? You can give me free frappuccinos? Oh, my God. It's like, oh, oh. Yeah.

Yeah, I know. I know. I mean, back in the day, there was one guy who asked me for a job after we had been dating for a while. No. It was awkward. It's just awkward. Or like, you know, hey, can you show this script to Conan? Can you show him my short?

Yeah. So, like, and I think that they were like yeah we've dated long enough I could do this and then I was like I don't I don't feel comfortable with this and I did but I liked them and I didn't know what to say so sometimes I would just lie and be like yeah I showed him and I never did oh no I mean I gasped because I was like what a terrible predicament that people put you in because that's like not fair it's your job and I think there's like I don't know I think people should be able to

separate a person from their job slash like what are your motives do you actually like this person are you just using them if you're just using them me oh my that's not nice yeah but also you know it was a good way to meet people too i've seen like i i know there's there's a double-sided what is that double-edged sword like conan would always say i'm a really and conan's like takes pride in being a good wingman

like he if you're at a bar with conan he'll like talk to someone on your behalf talk you up and then you know like then you can swoop in and then, you know, start talking to them. And he is good at that. But then sometimes you're like, they're more excited to talk to you than they are to talk to me. But then they'll like, after Conan leaves, let's say, then they'll continue talking to you. And you're like, you know what? He is actually a nice person. You know, he's a good, this person that I'm talking to. Yeah. Maybe he started talking to me because of Conan, but he's nice. He's worth getting to know better. So, um, so sometimes I would give Conan a hard time for being a terrible wingman just

because he's so well known. But to be honest, to be honest, he really did introduce me to some, like maybe like two or three cool guys that I did go on a few dates with and they still didn't work out for whatever reason. But, you know, yeah, you should go hang out with Conan. I was just thinking that. I was like, maybe. Go to like a nice bar at a hotel, like a nice hotel bar, because that's where like cool people hang out, I feel like. Or maybe I'm wrong. And then, yeah, just have him there with you. And

he'll like, he'll talk you up. Interesting. Because at a hotel bar, I'm like, okay, so there's people in transit. But then there's also like business people, because I feel like that's where business people have like meetings and shit. Yeah. So maybe I will be like, excuse me, Conan, take me out and find me a man. Yeah, yeah. Well, fancy guys, I feel like don't go to just any bar that's like on, you know, Sunset or Hollywood Boulevard or like they don't go to a bar there and they're like, let's do some work and do some dealings at this bar on Sunset. They'll be like, let's go to this hotel that has a really nice bar restaurant thing. And then like, let's work there.

And that's the kind, those are the kind of guys you should be meeting and dating. Guys have their shit together i would like to meet a businessman who loves business you guys can talk about mutual funds together i mean i do love talking finances i think it's really interesting you have you ever dated a guy in finance no i've only really dated comedians oh there's your first problem uh or like bartenders i once dated a realtor and i spent a lot of time being like what do you do all day yeah like what do you show houses all day are you looking for what do you do and then he didn't really have like answers for me and i was like maybe you don't do houses all day? Are you looking for, what do you do? And then he didn't really have like answers for me. And I was like, maybe you don't do anything all day.

You know what? My sister-in-law, she works at JPL and she wants to set me up with an astrophysicist, like a literal rocket scientist. And he looked like an Abercrombie model. I mean, he was gorgeous. It didn't make any sense,

but he was also kind of weird. You know, what do you mean by weird? I mean, he was gorgeous. It didn't make any sense. But he was also kind of weird. Oh. What do you mean by weird? Like, he really loved space. He wouldn't get along because I saw that movie with Sandra Bullock. What was it called? Gravity. Yeah.

And my review was too much space. I just, I don't know. I'm not here for it. It's like too dark. It's too black. Too many stars. Yeah, it is fascinating. He was clearly passionate about it.

And that's something that you're looking for, right? Passion. But he talked about it all the time. He never asked me about myself or my job. He really just wanted to talk about space. But he was tall, gorgeous, no joke, just looked like this all-American model. I don't even know where he came from.

But yeah, we probably dated for about a month. And then I think he moved to- Space? Japan. He moved to space. He was like, I'm going to the space station. Goodbye. Yeah, he's the first guy who was like, I really want to be an astronaut.

And I was like, I could actually believe that you could do that. And yeah. If given the opportunity, would you go like on a space trip? No, no, no, no. What the fuck? I'm going to go. Like, I think it's cool. I get it.

But I also. There's so much here. There's so many places here. I still need to go. Like, I think it's cool. I get it. But I also, there's so much here. There's so many places here I still need to go see. Would you? Okay, here's the thing. Okay, so if they were like, breaking, breaking news, everybody. There's aliens. We found them.

They're nice. Here's Carl, the extraterrestrial. And he was like, howdy, earthlings. I'd be like, okay, send me up there. Maybe I'll find somebody in space to date. I'll date a gloop or whatever they're called, a glorb. I don't care. I would go to space.

I definitely would, even though I don't, like, love space. But, like, I would go to a different planet if it didn't take too long. But it sounds like you would go just to find someone to date. Like, I would go there and date. No. You still have a lot of options here. I think another problem you might have is that you're, like, really in the entertainment world. And you need to, like, break out of that. I can ask my brother if any of his finance pals, you know, are single.

Please do. I'm going to text him right now. I'm going to text Danny. Okay. Hey, do you have any? Text Danny, send a picture of me to send to the boys. Yeah. Not, okay, so don't take a screenshot of right now

because if I go on a date, I will be wearing my wig and I will wear contacts. I'll be in my full drag. But even this is, you're beautiful like this. Like it's okay if this is a screen grab, but I, you know.. But I know I know I'm beautiful without my drag. But I like I like the long luscious hair and lots and lots of makeup and big old lashes. Oh, that's fun. I can't do it anymore. I'm actually wearing some makeup now. And it's terrible. Like I really need to put more care in my appearance. I think guess what? You don't have to if you don't want to. I do it for me. Like I like to, to feel like yummy.

And then some days I don't feel like looking yummy or feeling yummy. And I sit inside and I don't care. Yeah, but I do. I think that after I had kids, I just kind of was like, yeah, my hair could always be in a bun. I don't need to always wear makeup. But then I just let myself go and I don't care. Yeah, but I do. I think that after I had kids, I just kind of was like, yeah, my hair could always be in a bun. I don't need to always wear makeup. But then I just let myself go and I'm still married and I want my husband to still, you know, be attracted to me. And, you know,

I need to start taking more pride in my appearance. I feel like I used to just like, my hair was always down and curly and fun. I always had fun makeup on yeah but you have two humans sucking the life out of you i know i guess do they still breastfeed that's a rude question don't answer it don't answer it was rude and invasive i don't even know if they began to

breastfeed i don't know if they were bottle babies don't answer okay but you do take care of two humans and that is hard it is it is but then when you get into a groove in a routine i i saw myself just kind of being like okay even though i have time now i just don't want to but i think that i i should i enjoyed taking pride in my appearance i think i should maybe try to go back to that here's the thing if i did my hair and my makeup and then a child threw peas at me yeah or got me dirty i'd be like ah what would you yeah i would be so mad when i nannied i very much didn't do my hair or my makeup because i was like all i'm doing is playing with kids all day you're going to the park and I don't care. Oh, I was the best nanny in the whole world.

That was a lot of fun. Oh, you must have been so much fun. I wish you weren't my nanny. I would be such a good nanny. Like, I don't know. It's like I talk to myself when I'm alone. So if there's like a little baby there, I'm like, how are you? Are you good?

And then I'll like make a response. I'm like, oh yeah, you look good. Oh, you don't say. Oh, I bet they had so much fun with you.

Oh, I love that. That's so cool. So now I have a question. Yeah. As a single woman who's looking, what should I be doing to find and uncover the person of my dreams? Oh, shit. I don't know. Everything I want to say right now is a cliche. Say them. Okay, so right before I met my husband, I dated this guy who,

every time he texted me, and he was also good about texting me a lot, but when he texted me, I would see his name pop up on my phone and I'd be like, ugh, this fucking guy. And I don't know why I had that reaction. And I think it's because I knew it was a dead end. And then he broke up with me and I had no feeling or emotion about it whatsoever. And I remember him calling me. He's like, are you okay? And I'm like, yeah, I'm totally fine. He's like, we can still be friends. And I'm like, no, no, no, we don't have to be friends. We're good. This is good. We tried it. It didn't work out. We're good. Let's move on. And he's like, you just sound so sad. I'm like, I don't sound sad. I'm fine. And I think that's when I realized I was like, I don't want to date dead end guys anymore.

I just don't, I'm over it. I'm not feeling it anymore. It's not fun. I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm getting, you know, older. I just, I'm over it. And then I was like, Oh, and I'm having trouble finding good guys. So I realized I just need to realize I'm having fun being single and I need to be fine with that. I need to be okay with being single. And so I did. And then, uh, I went to, but then I like was allowing myself to kind of find it anywhere that I went, you know, like the grocery store. If I went to the car wash, like, you know, if someone was talking to me and they were nice, I would engage in conversation with them, but I wasn't. And then I know this is, this is the cliche part when I wasn't looking for it and when I was finally

happy just being single and on my own that's when I met my husband so I mean I don't know I think that you you seem like you're a happy person you seem like you're very content and happy with yourself and I think that you might need to start relishing being single and then enjoying it and figuring out what it is about it that you love and then when you find someone and do settle down and then you guys get married and you say the vows that you had when you first met then you can then you'll remember when you were single and you're like you know what that was a fun time i really enjoyed that okay i don't know i don't know so now I think that was good advice.

Okay, here's a question I ask all of my guests, except for a couple of months where I was like, I'm not doing this anymore. But then I started doing it again because I was like, I like the question. Would you date me? I would 100% date you. Are you kidding?

I've been complimenting you this whole time. I've basically been hitting on you this whole time we've been talking. I am actually shocked that you haven't found someone yet. But because I think that you're funny, you're smart, you're beautiful. And I think that, you know, I would absolutely date you. Yeah. Well, has anyone said no? Who the fuck said no?

So many people have said no. Okay. Some were good reasons and some I was like, hmm, pretty rude you are. Well, Zona, thank you so much for doing this. Well, Zona, what would you like to promote? Well, I don't, you know, it's not really my podcast. I'm on it. But there's Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, it's not really my podcast. I'm on it.

But there's Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, new episodes out on Mondays and Thursdays. And then I wrote a book and it's called The World's Worst Assistant. And you know what? I actually talk about the four worst dates I ever went on, which were all with the same guy. So there's a whole section on that. Yeah. Well, thank you so much for being here. Thank you for having me, Nicole.

We've come to the end of this episode of Why Won't You Date Me? If you like it, you can rate it five stars. You can subscribe or something on Apple Podcasts or like whatever.

Yeah. And if you write me something hitting on me to why won't you date me podcast at gmail.com. Do not send a dick pic. I do not go through it. Mars, my producer does.

And she does not want to see any dicks because you've seen three. You've seen them all. So this nice person said, Nicole, for our perfect date, I will take you on one of my favorite activities. A hike. I know you dislike hiking. So I've modified it for your pleasure. I will carry you along the trail on a custom-made enclosed ventilated rickshaw so you don't get tired or annoyed with nature.

After a couple hours of strenuous hiking on my part and sublime relaxation for you, I will bathe in a stream to eliminate swamp dick so you can suck it through the hole in the partition of the rickshaw. It'll be glorious. Then I'll eat that pussy till you come. So hard we have to replace the upholstery on the rickshaw. Afterwards, we'll eat the snacks I packed

then head back home and go to pound town in a normal bed honestly I don't hate this wow wow that was oddly specific I want to go out with that guy or girl like this is great oh my god

well Zona thank you bye bye that's it for why won't you date me with me Nicole Byer Well, Zona, thank you. Bye-bye. Bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solo-Taroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much.

We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream. What a dream.