Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - The Art of Taking a Profile Pic (w/ Rob Corddry)

Episode Date: October 29, 2021

Comedian Rob Corddry (Childrens Hospital, Hot Tub Time Machine) joins Nicole to discuss cannibalism, the art of taking a good profile picture, Rob gives advice on Nicole's dating app bio, and they both geek out over cars. Crazy dating story? Looking for advice? Let Nicole and her guest help you out. Submit your stories or questions to [e-mail] for a chance to have it answered on-air. The podcast is nominated for a People's Choice Award! Please vote at  bit.ly/VoteWWYDM Black Lives Matter. Click here for a list of over 100 different ways you can support racial justice.Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerNew Merch Store! podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single. Even though you could jizz in all of my candles and let it harden and tell me, that's a natural candle, I would still date you.

My guest today, ooh, what a treat. He's an Emmy Award winning comedian and actor. You know him from Children's Hospital, Ballers, Hot Tub Time Machine, and The Unicorn. It's Rob Corddry. Wait, did I say your? No, Corddry. Corddry, yeah, you said it right. Corddry. I said Corddry, and then I was like, I think I'm saying it wrong.

I should have confirmed before I started. I heard Corddry. I heard Corddry. I think we're fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no. Oh, thank God. I mean, you'll hear I'm saying it wrong. I should have confirmed before I started. I heard cordry. I heard cordry. I think we're fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no. Oh, thank God. I mean, you'll hear about it on social media.

Oh, Lord. The cord's cakes out there. That's my fan base, the cord's cakes. There's two of them. They're my dad and my mom. There's two of them? How are you today? I'm great.

I'm great. It's so good to see you. It's nice to see you. I haven't seen you since the last time I did the unicorn. That's right. Yeah. What a fun show that was. Well, yeah, it's a bummer, you know, that they couldn't afford it, I guess, is what they said. It was probably your fee that you charged. Yeah, I asked for $762 million to do an episode.

That's a lot. That's just my rate right now. Hmm. Okay. Okay. Well, I mean, you can't ask for less than your quote, you know? Yeah, because then people are going to pay me less on other projects. And I need to make a billion dollars a year doing, you know, guest starring stuff.

Keep up the lifestyle. Guest starring roles, you need to make a bet. Well, that's the way to do it. About 76 million. Rob, you are married, yes? Oh, yeah. How long have you been married? I've been married.

You know, it's funny. I was trying to figure that out before. Because I'm always wrong. I know it's, I want to say 20 years, which means it's probably 19. Oh, so do men always round up? I always round up. Well, in my relationship, I've always rounded up and my wife finds it infuriating. But I but I'm I just love it.

I like I like I like the time span to sound as long as I feel, you know, like I feel like I've been with her for decades and decades. And yet it's also felt like a sort of blink. It's it's great. Oh, my God. I want someone to talk about me like that. You will. That's so sweet.

We'll get to that. We'll get to that. We'll get to that. But first, I want to know, how did you guys meet? So, boy, can I tell this story? Can I tell this story? Uh oh story to leave out a couple details okay i was with my friend falcon so yeah it includes a dude named falcon you might know him uh yes ucb dude and uh was we were in new york we i was living in new york at the time. We went down to the library bar to meet our friend Phil.

And Phil, we walked into the bar and Phil was making out with this chick at the bar. And it was sort of like that moment where, what do they call it? That kind of Spike Lee focus where you see. Yeah, a moving track shot? No, not a moving track shot. Maybe that's what I was thinking of. It was like, it felt like I'm not moving, but it looked, I don't know. Anyway, it was a moving moment.

Yeah, it's where the person isn't moving, but they're moving, but they're not moving. The background is moving. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. It felt like that. And I was like, like whoa who's that and he and my and falcon said that's phil and i was like no no who's who's with who's with him and and he was like she's with phil and i was like man not for long man and uh yeah sure enough i um i uh we we met

at uh then we really formally met she doesn't really we don't she didn't really remember meeting me it was very quick and uh we met at a park fal Falcon actually ended up throwing a party at his house just to get us together. What a good friend. Oh my God. He orchestrated this whole entire thing. Oh my God. What a dream.

He orchestrated the whole thing. He actually, and then in the meantime, kept telling me that he told me that she wanted me to come to the party and he told her that I wanted me to come to the party. And he told her that I wanted her to come to the party. We, you know, neither of us had said anything. And we got together. We were with each other for a little bit.

We weren't with each other for a little bit. I was leaving the next day after that party to go hike the appalachian trail oh yeah because i had to get stuff out of my system a former girlfriend had to leave that behind we had a rocky breakup uh-huh and i felt like this had potential with Sandy, my wife. And I was like, I'm going to do this. And I don't expect you to wait around. This is going to be a couple weeks. But it'd be great if you did.

You know? And I walked off the trail like with a clear head, called her, and we went out on our first date what is hiking the Appalachian Appalachian Appalachian trail what's that like tell me about that it's a trail that runs from

jeez I don't know it's way down south all the way up to Maine up up to the tip of Maine. Oh, okay. It does. Okay. I was going to do New Jersey to New Hampshire up to the White Mountains. And, you know, where sort of my family is from originally. And I got as far as Massachusettsachusetts and the the berkshire berkshires and then i started

to see scratches on the bottom of the trees meaning those are bears looking for bugs like it was all over the place i thought it was people trying to get up and they were scratching the trees i had to look i had to look for snipers a lot of snipers in the Berkshires. No, I'm deathly afraid of bears. They're the sharks of the land. And I don't trust them. And you know what? You can put that in the podcast.

Okay, it's in. Cancel me. I don't like bears. I can't believe you don't like bears. There's the Charmin bear. There's Winnie the Pooh. There's Smokey the bear. What have they done for us?

There's a lot of kind bears out there. Smokey the bear's propaganda, man. He will eat you if he gets the chance. No, he's trying to keep things from getting on fire. Yes, so he has the space to eat you. Mmm, fair. I didn't see it from that perspective. Yeah, that's right, because he's sick of eating bugs and the Berkshires.

But honestly, Smokey would be for fire if he was going to eat you, because the fires could cook people. Oh, I guess bears eat raw people. They don't care. They eat raw people. They eat raw people. I don't think I've ever heard it said that way. But yeah yeah raw people

yeah yeah i also don't know if i've ever heard it that way but like yeah people aren't cooked they're raw people they're raw you can be eating raw people they might be better raw maybe i don't know would you ever eat a person, you know, have you heard those stories about how like a friend will lose his arm in an accident and the other and he'll be like, I'm going to cook up my arm, you guys. No, I've never heard of this. And whoever wants to come and have a bite just to say you've done this, you have my permission. It's not against the law or you have to decide whether it is it violates your own morality and oh no and yeah a couple of them did and a couple of them were like no fucking way and i'm not your friend have you have you ever eaten a friend i would i i'd eat if i'd eat a

friend i'd probably take a bite i'd probably take a bite if it were like that if it were consensual and he didn't chop off his arm for the purpose, but I'd like it to be the butt. Well, the butt is just – isn't that just fat? I don't know. I think it's more like – do you like sushi? No. Okay. Do you like steak? I love steak. Do you know when you get that one piece of steak or turkey that is like the filet mignon, they call it?

They're like not just filet mignon, but like that one piece of the filet that is just so tender and almost slow cooked. That's how I think the butt would be. That's how you think butt would taste like? Yeah. the butt would be but would taste like yeah my wife my wife once said to uh my kids we were they were like we were having this basically the same conversation and uh about like you know cannibals having to eat people you know the donner party and and so forth and and she said uh yeah if you're trapped in the woods if you're if you're lost in the woods and one of your friends dies, you eat their butts.

And I was like, what? Because you're like eight. I mean, that's pretty funny. Although I think if I was trapped in the woods with friends, I think they would eat me first because I think I'd be tasty. Oh, that's a good thing to think about yourself. Yeah, I'd eat you. I think I'd be really delicious.

Thank you. In a pinch. In a pinch. Sure. Thank you. Sure. So wait, you've been with your wife for almost 20 years or 20 years. Well, we've been together for sure for 20 years.

Yeah. Okay. So you improvised in New York, yeah? That's right. And you were improvising at UCB. Did you ever have any chuckle fuckers? What's a chuckle fucker? Oh, a chuckle fucker is a lady who, or a person,

who, like, will fuck a comedian just because they're funny. No. Really? No. Because they're funny. No. Really? No. I did pretty well in college because I was drunk and I had no moral compass.

But I've always been two things. One, I've always been sort of a relationship guy at heart, you know, and something about the just just just banging someone was like great on one hand. Uh huh. But also, on the other hand, just made me feel a little empty. Oh, and but I'd still do it. Don't get me wrong. Don't get me wrong. I'm not going to get you wrong.

I'm not above it. No. But then on the and on the't get me wrong. I'm not going to get you wrong. I'm not above it. No. But then on the other hand, where was I going with this? The only reason I ever got laid in my life was because I was the funniest one in the room. And so then I got to the UCB and do an improv. I was far from the funniest one in the room. So I had nothing. I had nothing and I was going bald.

Oh, but some ladies, people love balding people. It was in a mid-stage though, you know? Sure. Like transitional stage. Like I had this little island on the front of my forehead, which was not becoming. And Sandy, my wife, the only reason I didn't shave it off because she thought it was cute. Oh, yeah, I did that for her. That's adorable.

I did that for her. I thought everybody must think it's cute. And it was not the case. You look back at pictures like, no, this was not cute. This was specifically for one person. It was fucking stupid. When did you discover that you're a relationship guy? I mean, all through my life.

I guess I never decided that. I don't know if I ever wanted to decide I was one thing or another. But my whole childhood dating life was always longer term relationships. life was always longer term relationships, you know, with maybe a spattering of, you know, one night stands in the middle of it. That's what I'm trying to get into. A long term relationship. Yes, that's the goal. That's all that I want.

And I'm trying to figure out how to do it. So, Rob. Go ahead. What advice? So you're a relationship guy. So like what signs should I look for when I'm dating someone that they want to get into a relationship? You know, it's been so long with my wife. I can only speak for my relationship with my wife. And it's something where you just feel the confidence.

That's how I felt with Sandy. I felt this confidence. I felt the inner voices were quieted. All that stuff kind of got tamped down. And my worry kind of went away, if that could be a sign. You know, I just – I was – I find myself leaving her at the train station to go back to her place and then smiling all the way back to my apartment. You know, so I knew like at that point, who cares? If she didn't want to be in a relationship, we'll find out. But, but I knew I did. And I was starting to suspect early that,

that this was the final relationship, you know? Did you ask her to be in a relationship and how did you do it? Oh, it's a kind of cute story. We used to have a bunch of us used to rent this house up in the Catskills when we lived in New York. And this was like all these comedy guys. You probably know Husky and Seth Morris and Jason Manzoukas. And we would go there every summer up to the Catskills. and we would go there every summer up to the Catskills, and there was this fair that used to be like one of the weeks. One weekend would be a town fair or whatever. And I can't remember the name of it, which troubles me.

I'm getting really old. So we went. Sandy, I brought Sandy up to meet my friends, you friends you know and is this the first time she's meeting them yeah and you brought her to a weekend with them yeah that's ballsy because what if she hated them it's ballsy and and what if like i didn't think she fit in what if yeah yeah it was it was a test but uh for for myself really i guess i didn't know it at the time, but like I was, we were on the Ferris wheel. It's like a stupid romance movie. We got stuck at the top.

I asked her to go steady. I said, you want to go, you want to be my, I said, you want to be my steady girl? And I was saying it to, meant, because I meant it. I was saying it to meant because i meant it i was saying it to be funny and she was like oh she thought it was like a steady girl like like it was bye bye we were in bye bye birdie and and steady for good it was awesome it. It was really... That's so cute. Now, did you plan on asking her or this was like in the moment you were like, you gotta do it.

I mean, I didn't know how to do that. I didn't know like kids these days seem to like not have a problem with discerning what's a relationship and what's not. What's shipping? We didn't have shipping back then.

Wait, isn't shipping just wanting someone to be in a relationship? Yeah, I guess. But I think I've heard my kids say they're shipped. They still say going out. That's what we used to say when we were kids. Like, will you go out with me it was like this formal thing like you're gonna be my girlfriend i'm gonna be your boyfriend oh we're gonna hold hands at dances yeah i'm trying to think of i guess yeah we're going out

that meant that you were like boyfriend and girlfriend yeah i don't know if i say that anymore where are you from no i'm from jersey you're from jersey and is that what you said when you were growing up i think that's what i said growing up and then now as an adult i think i've just been like oh i'm dating this person so yeah but that's a different thing right yeah i guess dating and going out is different yeah there's so many different stages to a relationship and it's annoying here's the. If you're like confident about it and you want to jump in and you can't, you don't have a read on the other person, just say, hey, will you want to be my, want to be my boyfriend? You know, just say it formally.

That's so scary though, to be like, be my boyfriend. And so what, what do you have to lose? You all, the only thing you have to lose is someone who doesn't want to be your boyfriend, potentially. Wow, Rob. Rob, you are dropping gems. Ah, good. My therapist is always like, Nicole, you like to delay the inevitable. And I'm like, yeah, because things are good.

And if you ask someone questions and then they don't say the thing that you want them to say, then you get sad. And she's like, then you get over it. And I'm like, oh. Yeah. Don't worry about that. That's don't don't. You're playing games with yourself. You're like you had too much, too much, too much thinking about it.

It's like if you or or you were thinking so much that you you knew it wasn't right. That person wasn't the one, you know? Yeah. I've only asked one person to be like, do you want to, like, be exclusive? And they were like, yes. And then they started dating somebody else. And I was like, hmm, we have different definitions of exclusive. Yeah. All right. You got use um be my steady boy will you be my steady boy my steady boy you're funny you can

get away with it yeah and i'm adorable and i'll wink at the end i'll be like will you be my steady boy want to be my steady boy um so you've never been on apps or anything. What do you mean? Oh, like you've never, you've never been on Tinder or hinge. What a blessing. I know when I was a nightmare, it's, I'm so curious about those things. I've told my wife, I want to get on just to see what happens on those things. And she's like, don't do that.

When I was single, right. I don't know if they were, they were definitely not apps, but there were, there were sites, web, you know, like the dating sites. And that was considered the dumbest thing in the world. Like only losers did that. Wait, that's what I felt like when I started getting on dating apps. I was like, oh my God, only idiots who can't find relationships are on these things. Yeah, I feel like people feel that way even when they do it, which is stupid. Like nobody feels, nobody really feels that way because there's so many people on them.

So many people, some of the worst people. I don't understand them, basically. What the worst people. I don't understand them. Basically. I don't understand. I think there's something like, um, my friends and I, uh, uh,

this group of friends that, that we always go on vacations together. Uh, they have the same age kids, age kids, the same age as mine. Um, we,

uh, we, one of the dudes is this, uh, unscripted TV mine. We, we, one of the dudes is this unscripted TV producer and he always runs a survivor. We'll do a survivor. And I never know how to play. I don't know how to form alliances. I don't know how to do any of it.

And I'm voted out early, you know, cause I'm just trying to like win. And, and, uh, so it's, it's, uh, it's sort of like that, you know, like, I feel like people, you know, it's right. Is it like the, wait, dating apps. There's so many rules. I don't understand. There's so many.

I don't know if there's any rules no i have my own little rules yeah so like if someone messages me and then doesn't ask me out within like three lines or three like back and forth exchanges i unmatch them or i just don't answer them ever again oh really i'm like i don't want to just go back and forth for an eternity let's meet i don't want to just go back and forth for an eternity let's meet i don't know what you're actually like through you know texting like yeah let's meet up let me see if i like your pheromones and your face and shit yeah exactly no i like that i like uh i think you're right about that i i um yeah because it doesn't seem to be the way it goes normally no so like before i started that rule people would just go back and forth for like weeks

and then be like hey do you want to go out and i'm like i guess we've been talking for like two weeks yeah and they'd be sexting and i don't want that yeah My friend, one of my dear friends, she's a makeup artist, and she was just having the roughest time dating. And she said, you know what I should do? I should have you do my whatever app it was, profile. Uh-huh. Did you do it? And I was like, I would love to. Yes.

I'm going to get you. You're going to be married in a year. Watch this. And I got on her phone, and i'm looking through it and i'm thinking about i'm like and after no time at all i realized i have i'm the last person but i i love her you know and and and could sing her praises but i don't know if that's the way to go on there i don't know either my profile they way to go on there. I don't know either. My profile, they,

whenever it's just like, write whatever you want. I'm like, T he, he, I love to giggle. I like, I don't know what to say.

Like how I don't like when I look at someone's profile, I'm never like, Ooh, they like to ski. I better message them. It's yeah. I profiles are confusing and annoying. I feel like it should just be pictures. And then you like i'll figure it out later because i mean people lie in pictures

so much how can we trust their fucking profiles like yeah people be lying you're in a two-year relationship and you're like you said you like romantic walks on the beach we've never been to the beach oh you're you're complaining about this this this sand real quick we gotta take a break No. Yes. No. We're back. We did it. We took the break. I've been swiping on the apps and I took some screenshots of some people. I love it. This one man really made me laugh.

So on Hinge, they have like little prompts that you can answer. And this guy's, the the prompt was the award. I should be nominated for it. And his answer is the last real man. And I was like, okay. Wow. And then,

uh, his job, he wrote hustler. And then for school, he wrote far away. I don't, I don't know about this dude. And then for the prompt is my simple pleasures.

And he wrote woman. And then the prompt is I won't shut up about. And then he wrote a dollar emoji, like a dollar bag emoji. And then the cry face emoji. And I was like, and then the other prompt is I'm weirdly attracted to. And he wrote feet. Oh, my God. And I was like, you know, I don't want to be out here anymore.

I hate this. That's ugly. Unless he's the most ironic dude in the world. No, I don't think so. I was looking at his pictures, and I was like, this man takes himself very seriously. Let's see it. Let's see. Do you have it right there?

Okay. I do. I want do see this idiot okay so that's one picture no way oh my god uh here's another no oh my that's hilarious yeah i think he takes himself very seriously and i think he thinks he's like cool oh you think so okay so podcasting is an audio medium so this man he's very like european-ish with like tight tight pants uh he's wearing a jean jacket with like the sleeves rolled up or something. Uh-huh. Like to his, uh,

no. And then he's got this wild bracelet. Look at this bracelet. Don't you, oh my God. It's too big. He's a time traveler. And you think it's a watch, but that's a watch.

He's a time traveler. From what year? I don't know, 89, 90. Okay. All right. I love it.

You know what? Don't you, what's the art of take of of of of your profile picture like what because i guess you gotta show something that not your best most beautiful picture right but something that really describes your essence well i was told to wear red in pictures because men are attracted to red. That's thinking about it too much, I think. Oh. I think so. I think, like, I get it.

But, you know, it can't hurt, sure. But, like, already that's, I think, too much pseudoscience. Okay. I don't know if I'm attracted to red i thought it was a weird thing i was like i guess red is like a a color that you're like oh wow red but i was like i don't know people are attracted to it that's too easy a thing to say that's like men are bulls you know You know, I think I just you got to you got to take a picture that. Somehow makes you go and I don't even know if I have in my thousands of photos. I don't know if I have one.

Like, I don't know if I could take one of myself that really captures. What I how I feel like I am. Mm hmm. So I'll show you my picture. Yeah, I I feel like I am. Mm-hmm. So I'll show you my picture. Yeah. I would love to see it. So this is me on the street. Thank you.

That's great. Oh, that's, see, that's what I'm talking about. That, that is your, that is exactly you.

Yeah. And I'm happy. I'm wearing all the prints, leopard print, a flannel. And then the prompt is, believe it or not, and my answer is, I just found out I'm 5'5 and not 5'7. I've been lied to my whole adult life.

This is a real thing. I thought I was 5'7 for years. That sucks. For like a decade. And then I was talking to Sashir and I i was like if we're both five seven why am i shorter than you in every picture i think you're lying and she's like no nicole you're shorter and i was like this is lies on lies and then we measured ourselves and you know what i say you stick with five seven because you your personality you come off as a far taller woman.

Thank you. Yes, I would say I'm not being serious. I would say I would say keep the five, seven. I like that answer, though. That's super funny. I would definitely that would catch my eye. OK, so this is the next one. Oh, my God.

That. Oh, wait a minute wait wait wait okay okay all right it's a big swing yeah it is and i was just like i love having a i love my butt so i gotta show the people my butt you got a great and then thank you that's great that one's a fun one it It's me in a split. Flexible. The prompt is, dream dinner guest. And I wrote, the minions.

Easy to social distance with them. Them bitches tiny. I like that. I love the minions. I like that. And then, I have this picture. Oh, no. Get rid of that one.

Get rid of that one? Get rid of that one. Okay. You don't. I don't think you want to associate yourself with a dog it's okay it's very funny side by side of me and this dog where we have the same hairstyle that's probably a good yeah i think it's funny look at me i'm a dog different medium that's for a different medium i i agree with you that's a good that's a very good note yeah no um my childhood crush that's another prompt i wrote captain picard from star trek because i truly loved him yeah and then here are my last two pictures there's like a little selfie in the mirror just being you okay then yeah there's me someone photoshopped me and guy fieri at his hollywood star ceremony

and i love guy fieri does it is it i can't see from here but is it very clearly a photoshop i think so i think it looks pretty clear oh yeah totally totally totally so okay is my profile good yeah bad i would say pretty good um okay just get rid of that one picture just get rid of that one picture okay and the the the uh butt picture just made i was like the the the parent in me went oh dear um but i mean that's i guess uh you got that's's, that's, that's one of the, you got to do it.

You got to advertise the goods and you like it. So you fuck it. Yeah. All right. I got to give my stamp of approval. Rob, how old are your kids? My kids are 15 and 13.

Oh, wow. Teens. Teens. Oh my God. Teens are so scary. I'm at the age where i cross the street when teens are walking towards me because they're mean oh always no high school kids are scary as hell

they're so scary do your kids have parties at your house no well yes but with kids we know like they have their they'll have a bunch of friends over while we're there well the teens in my neighborhood are starting to like like party party where like the cops are being called and like angry parents have to come pick them up and it's fascinating to watch from an outside perspective because like i used to do that shit i know uh and i was walking my dog and one of the teens was like i've never hooked up with any guy i've ever actually liked and i wanted to shake her and be like don't do that yeah you don't have to you could just like people and and wait and and not waste your time but then i was like then you're a crazy woman yeah that's not a badge of honor it's not a badge of honor i just's not a badge of honor. I just, I can't imagine being a teen ever again.

And like, for a while I was like, oh boy, I miss being in my 20s. I could drink all night and work in the day. And I was like, whatever. I'm fine getting hungover now. I would never want to go back to being in my early 20s and having to deal with that bullshit of being like, I don't know anything. And I'm trying to navigate life. There's a reason we get hung over you know yeah there's a it's your body it's your body saying hey no more stop this don't do this don't do this don't know why you keep why are you doing

it now why are you putting poison right up in me i used to i used to chase, I used to, like, hair of the dog was my cure-all. I was like, well, I'm hungover. May as well drink again. The only thing about that is, for me, I have to, like, keep drinking throughout the day. Yeah. And then it's like, oh, boy, I got to keep this buzz going. And then it becomes work. Yeah.

It's not fun. That's sort of sort of why i quit like i was i just got like i was like this is just stupid i'm i'm too old for this you know i'm too old i'm 50 that is old too old 50s half of a hundred old old old and wise old and wise i can't wait to be wise yeah okay so here's a question go ahead say i want to meet someone in person what's a good like a good way to hit on somebody there's got to be a way let's solve this let's really solve okay um there's got to be a way right where you you're you're obviously flirting but it is not it's not not obvious so it's it's it's a move

that you're making but it's not perceived in an in a negative way any negative way like like oh what a cheese ball or or she's gross or so that's a really it's a really tough thing personally i never cracked that nut myself you know okay i would just be funny uh and and just never use a pickup line never do anything like that and i'd and i'd hope for the best and usually it didn't work out uh-huh i mean i guess that's good advice to not use pickup lines because i don't know what pickup line i would say i guess the only one i really know is did it hurt when you fell from heaven yeah that's a good one my kids have a ton of them i i wish do they yeah i wish they were here now i'm in texas uh working uh they're i wish um yeah they're like uh they're so stupid too they're they're they're really funny i could say like is

your was your i'm just making this up maybe i, I don't know. This might be one. Is your father a carpenter? I was just, no, no. Is your father a carpenter? No, are you a carpenter? Uh-huh. Because you're giving me wood right now. Oh, see. Oh, I guess I could use that.

You could use that. Well, yes, I could. You could use that and it would actually be funny. Because then it's a conversation starter. Because it's like, what do you mean by that? And I'm like, wouldn't you like to know? You could use it because it would be funny coming from you. From me, it would be rapey.

Yeah, I think it would be just like a little creepy. Yeah, it's too much. But, I don't know, I would laugh. Wait, have your kids been in any relationships? Like, when did people start dating? You said 13 and 15? Like when did people start dating? 13? You said 13 and 15? Yeah.

Is that too young? My 15 year old had their first boyfriend. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. Yeah. And they're sort of gender neutral. So it just happened to be a dude. And it lasted about three days. Which was as long as my first relationship lasted too because you're like – and you know what? It was – I really admire them because I was talking to them about it, why they like, so why did it, what happened?

And they were like, just realized I wasn't ready for this. Wow. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. I love when someone is so in tune with themselves that they can make a decision like that.

Cause I feel like some people would just let a relationship happen, but I love that they were so cognizant that they were like, oh, I wasn't ready so why force something when i'm not ready yeah and the same thing happened to me and i remember i remembered at that moment telling them that story uh of of this like asking this girl out when i was in like sixth grade and she was older than me and and and uh for the dumbest reasons i wasn't even that attracted to her i because i used to see her with her old boyfriend walk by my house with holding hands

every day and i was just like oh holding hands i want to do that and i was holding her hand after she said yes and after i was holding her hand and I was like, what did I do? You know? And so I think, yeah, they, my, my oldest probably had a revelation like that. Like, oh, this is, I don't like this. I'm not, I don't, I can't navigate this yet. Yeah. I, I don't think I was ready for a relationship.

I don't think I was ready for a relationship actually like up until maybe this year because I don't know. I just like had my own shit going and I worked a lot and I wasn't ready to like move things around to accommodate a person. But now I'm like, okay, the whole pandemic happened. I didn't work as much as I did and I didn't feel like less of a person but now i'm like okay the whole pandemic happened i didn't work as much as i did and i didn't feel like less of a person i still got things done i still was employed yeah so i can work just a little bit less you know not not less hard but just like a little

bit less to incorporate somebody so yeah i'm ready And I'm letting the universe know. That's awesome. You know what? I think that's, I think that maintain that. And by meaning maintain that, I mean, meaning, you know, really like check in with yourself all the time and make sure and, you know, always, always be ready. Always be open. And now I think it's going to happen. And then you'll have to end this podcast. I mean, maybe I wouldn't.

I don't know. Maybe the podcast would just turn into, guess what? You won't date me because I have somebody. Also, I'm like, wait, who am i if i actually have a partner because i've made a lot of money being single yeah right oh that's a thing that's a thing yeah it's like well what on earth would i ever talk about if i was happy i got married got a joint bank account that i still have today we don't even have our own money and then i got my first i got the daily show and i started really making money i was i had

money from commercials and stuff i was working as an actor but i got the daily Show and I was like a working actor, like making television money. And I was, it was half mine. And even completely in love with this woman, I was like, I would have liked a year. Just a year to like buy some dumb shit, have nice time buy a boat and then burn it or you know find nine cars so that when i find the right woman i'm like sorry i already have these cars real quick we have to take another break to take another break. Wait, you have cars, right?

Yeah, I love cars. I'm a big car guy. What kind of cars do you have? I have a 911, a Porsche 911 that I'm getting rid of and I'm getting the new Bronco that's coming out. Ooh, the new Bronco looks sick as hell. Yeah.

Are you getting the four-door or two-door? Two-door. Soft top? Hard top. Mm, okay. I can wait. I have patience. I can wait.

I'm going to get the hard top because, you know, that was the whole delay of these things. Mm-hmm. Going to get the Sasquatch package. Oh, what is the Sasquatch package? Oh, we're talking 35-inch wheels. We're talking about,

yeah, we're just talking about, you know, suspension, higher suspension. We're talking about a rear axle something or other. I like that Bronco, and I might get one when my lease is up on my Jeep, but I do love my Jeep. That's the thing. I never, I was never a jeep person and you're and you're either a jeep person or you're not a jeep person but in the last couple years i keep looking at those rubicons like that rubic rubicons are awesome man i really like my jeep i've got just like a sport i got the lowest model because i was like, meh, who knows? But then I was like, it's so much fun to drive.

I like, and I think it's cute. This is going to be very, yeah, this is going to be very similar drive experience, I think. And I also have a 1978 Datsun 280Z. Ooh, that's fun. They don't make datsuns anymore they don't make them they call them something else now they call them nissan there's a mercury cougar that somebody has on my street i think it's like a 64 it's not a 7 it's like 60 something and it's so nice and i can't figure out who it belongs to to be like you park this on the street a lot are you trying to sell it do you can I have it yeah see the funny thing with those those

because I like driving fast I like precision I like balance and everything all those cars look great they're so poorly made like the my Datsun I got in it and I was like this is not what I thought it was gonna be and that was my sort of lesson. I learned a lesson. Like, older cars are older cars. This doesn't even have power steering. Yeah, but can't you change all that? I mean, it's expensive.

You can, like, rip out everything and change it. I'm going to so I can sell it and get an older Porsche. Ah. I just got a Mitsubishi 3000 GT. It's a 94. It's, again, the lowest model package. So it's not super, super fast. But I think I'm going to rip out the engine and just redo the whole thing and make it zoom, zoom.

Oh, you know what you're talking about. This is great. Kind of. It's my favorite car as a youth. I would come through consumer reports and pair it back to my parents. What was a reliable car? And I was like, the Mitsubishi 3000 GT is a very reliable sports car. It's Japanese.

It's got a wide wheelbase. And it's the same thing as a Dodge Stealth. But it is a little bit better performance. It's so funny. As long as you arm yourself like you're arguing with yourself about the why to get it uh-huh uh yeah i just i like cars they're fun i love them i have you ever driven a tesla okay so that's funny i've been asked this question so many times because i host i'm a i co-host top gear america um and i've so I've driven almost all the cars.

Have you ever done the Porsche track where you ride with like a Porsche employee and you like go real fast around the track? Oh, yeah. I want to do that so bad. Is it fun? It's fantastic. You could probably get in there, too, you know, because it's kind of expensive. Oh, it's so expensive. I kind of weaseled my way in there somehow.

Can I let my publicist reach out? Yeah, I think you could get in there. The, oh, the Tesla. So, no, because I have no interest. I think it's a shitty car. I really do. I think, nothing against electric cars per se, but I think the Tesla started us off on a road of this just this model

that like people are basically building teslas when they build an electric car and and why not like we're at the point where why don't we why not innovate these things a little bit more because this this is see they just it's just a marketing like ludicrous speed is just marketing i can beat a tesla with my 911 and in a quarter and a half mile i'll smoke it you know and people think oh it's the fastest car i'm like yeah it's fastest car for a quarter mile you sound like dom teretto uh have you seen fast and the Furious? No, no. I've seen a couple of them. I live my life a quarter mile at a time.

That's pretty great. I love Vin Diesel. Oh, I can't stand him. Oh, really? Yeah, you can put it out there, too. Have you gotten to work with him? No, I worked with The Rock, so I'm Team Rock. Oh, I see, I see i see i see did the rock tell

you stories about vin diesel we don't have to put that out there no he was just like he's a dick that's the story he told was like he he goes you know you can you you assume the worst of vin diesel but i've heard other stories about him like and i feel like it's our job as performers to warn our fellow performers of potential speed bumps. And so I don't think of it even as talking shit. Although, you know, this is a podcast that is not listened to only by performers. But the word's been out on vin diesel i'm not breaking new news you're not people have been talking for years but guess what that doesn't deter my love for him i love him so much he'd be as difficult as possible and i'll still rub his bald head and

say yeah baby he's a handsome man he's so hot oh he does it for me uh the only reason why i want to drive a tesla back to teslas i mean we should get back to love but whatever i know right people are checking out now you know they're like oh god she's on a car rant she loves i do i just love cars great i just think they're poorly designed they look weird yeah they're ugly they look like they're thank you i think they're very ugly cars and i don't think the ride is very nice uh i just they're not for me there are better electric cars out there ones that have you know followed their own like the porsche take on is i've driven that a couple times that That's an amazing car. Ooh. Just because it's Porsche, you know,

really designs and builds and thinks about this thing and everybody else is just like, what did Tesla do? Okay, they're just trying to mimic their success. And I've also driven the Mustang Mach-E. Oh, how was that? It was okay. I liked it. I love the design.

I'm like, why do we make this into an SUV? Not even worse. It's a crossover. It's a crossover. You know what I didn't like about it? And this is what I don't like about all electric cars, other than I'm just a naturally aspirated man in my heart, that they all – there's so many, it's all, it feels really computerized.

You don't feel a connection to the car. And I did feel that in the Porsche, but there's so many, everything dings at me. There's so much dinging that I can't turn off. It's like the car's driving you. Yeah, I don't need the car to tell me that another car is coming up. I have mirrors. I don't turn off. It's like the car's driving you. Yeah, I don't need the car to tell me that another car is coming up. I have mirrors. I don't need anything.

I don't need your fucking cruise control. I don't need the lane change assist. No, I don't like that at all. I can drive. They're making us, it's dumbing down. It's dumbing down the drivers. I agree. I don't even like having that camera, the rear camera,

because then I stop using my mirrors and I just look at that camera and I'm like, the camera doesn't show everything. You got to turn around and look. No, it's a hazard. Unless there's certain cameras that are a little wider, you know? Mm-hmm. Well, that ends the car portion of this podcast will you car me will you car me uh this man on tinder i think i might have told this story in

the podcast i don't remember but he was like in his or no he messaged me and was like let me buy you something expensive and he said okay i want a 65 Mustang. And then he unmatched me. And I was like, then why did you say you wanted to buy me something expensive? And then I told you what I wanted. And then you unmatched me. That's the wrong answer. That's why. You don't want a 65 Mustang.

Yeah, I should have said, give me a Ferrari. Yeah, yeah, there you go. Give me a Lamborghini, baby. Give me a Lamborghini Aventador SVJ. That's what I should have asked for. I am foolish. Specifics, baby. Give me a Lamborghini Aventador SVJ. That's what I should have asked for. I am foolish. Specifics, Nicole. Specifics.

Yes, I got to be specific. I got to say what I want and then go for it. Everybody in LA has got a 65 Mustang. Is your wife in the entertainment industry? She's a speech pathologist. Oh, what does that mean? She basically taught. She talk good?

She's what? I said, she talk good? I thought you said, does she fuck good? I was like, that's a transition. Oh, that would be so wild. And you were like, I will answer that in a second after. Let me get to that. She, yes, she does that.

They do a wide, speech pathologists do a wide range of things. Her main focus was brain injured patients. Mm-hmm. And she would basically teach brain injured patients to swallow. Oh. teach brain injured patients to swallow again and to swallow and then everything from swallowing to talking and to help organize their thoughts into words. And then we moved here, we moved to L.A. rather. And, you know, every profession sort of channels into funnels into show business somehow. So she did some dialect coaching

for a while because she realized it's the same exact thing oh interesting yeah and uh and she didn't like it very much so she hasn't done it in a while so but she's still so she's still licensed but she's not working right now i would love to work with a dialect i wish i had to like have an accent for something but i'm not good at accents yeah but dialect i wish i had to like have an accent for something but i'm not good at accents yeah but like i just like want to do it have you ever had to do something where you had an accent i'm doing one right now actually what accent are you doing it's sort of texas uh this guy i i never i didn't actually make a choice which is good and bad this guy i'm playing a football coach in texas and um they say in the script that he's texan but in real life it's a true story in real life he wasn't

texan so i just sort of make it like a i make it like just a general southern you know the easiest one to do essentially yeah uh just southern yeah i'm so bad at accents i'm not gonna try it field goal team let's go let's go get your head in the game everybody we're doing the footballs now get your minds right football for football see that's pretty good i like is this a movie or a tv show or can you not say oh a movie movie movie yeah it's called uh it's called the senior it's it's actually very good so i think uh i'm never right who knows whenever i i like when i work on something that i actually really like i try not to say it too much because i'm like i don't want to jinx it. And I hope other people like it. So I'm not going to keep saying it.

Yeah. I think this movie will be, you know, because these days movies don't do shit anyway. It's interesting. TV now is the place to be. And I love doing TV. But this is my first movie in a couple years but um i uh you know that that with all the streaming and theatrical release is not necessarily worth worth it to to uh to studios anymore so i think what they're going to do is they have a good relationship these producers with disney plus and it's a perfect

movie for disney plus which would be a great place for it to come out because it's a perfect movie for Disney Plus which would be a great place for it to come out because it's a good family movie. I gotta love the streaming platforms although we gotta figure out these resigies because sometimes I'm like pay me more money. Yeah.

I'm sick of firing all my reps. Pay me more money. Pay me more. Excuse me. I'm sick of firing all my reps. Pay me more money. Pay me more. Excuse me. I'm hungry for money. I love money. I love going to the bank and depositing money. I love money.

I love everything about it. I love to rub it. I love rubbing pennies, nickels, dimes, quarters, and bills together. Money, money, money, money, money. God, money's great. money, money Money's great It's a secret to happiness I think so, and people are like, money can't buy happiness And I'm like, nah, it can make you pretty happy

I'm half kidding, that's a stupid saying That money doesn't buy happiness I love buying things It helps Rob, we've come To the end Yeah I don't feel like we solved anything Uh Rob, we've come to the end. Uh-uh. Yeah? Yeah.

I don't feel like we solved anything. Uh, here's the thing. I don't know if we can actually solve why I'm single. Yeah. I think it's just a time. Like, I have to, like, wait. Yes. And I have to, like, just be open and receptive to love. Yes, that's it.

I think that's what I've figured out. That's that's that's it. And you know what? It's worth it. If you wait. If you wait for 20 years, you know. Mm hmm. And when when you find it.

Oh, my God, you are going to be so rewarded because I'll tell you right now, don't listen to all these people that talk about marriage. Oh, the old ball and chain. Like it's they're, they're, they're wearing their bullshit as metals you know they like to show off it's wonderful it's wonderful it's changed my life it's changed me as a person i'm glad i i was there at the right time and open to it so you're you're you've set yourself up it could happen today oh well i do have to leave my house today so i go to trader joe's or something go to trader joe's all the great guys are trader joe's okay i don't really go to trader joe's but now i'm going to oh all all the hot dudes and chicks are at trader joe's and whole foods right okay before i ask you to uh what you want to promote, I have an announcement. Okay. So listeners, we're doing

things a little different now. You can email your stories or questions to why won't you date me podcast at gmail.com with the subject line submission. And I will answer your questions, your queries. I'll read your stories. You know, just mix it up a little bit. I've been doing the same thing for like three or four years. So we're going to have fun. OK, Rob, do you have anything that you want to promote? Top Gear America is, you know, since we talked about cars, Top Gear America is on the Motor Trend app and it'll be out on the Motor Trend channel soon. So why not watch that?

Also watch everything Rob's been in so he can get them residuals. I need them residuals. Oh wait, I ask everybody this. Would you date me? Absolutely, I would date you. You're a fucking blast. Oh, thank you. You bring light with you everywhere you go

and i wish the same for you i hope your light collides with uh with some lucky fella because because you were you were uh i looked forward to every day you were on the unicorn set with us thank you honestly that was such a fun job everyone was so nice yeah it was a great job it was a great job and you were so well cast in that role thank you i gotta think it was written for you it did feel like uh well christine zander who was one of the I think she's an executive producer. She was one of the producers. She was a writer on it. But she we worked together on something else. So I'm sure once I was cast, she was like, oh, I know, Nicole.

Let's let's give her this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Watch the unicorn. How about that? Well, yeah. Why not? It's probably somewhere.

I don't know. I think it's on Netflix. CBS, Netflix, Children's Hospital's on Netflix. Yeah, baby. No, it's on Hulu. I'm sorry, it's on Hulu. Fuck Netflix. Yeah, fuck Netflix.

No, I'm just kidding. It's on Hulu. Yeah, watch that. That's a great show. Okay. I'm trying to find. I read these nasty come-ons, and I can't find any. Okay, I read these like nasty come ons and I can't find any. Okay.

I found one. Okay. If you read me something nasty or no, if you write me something nasty, I will read it. So this person said, dear Nicole, I want to take you to dinner at your favorite restaurant.

And after I'm going to stuff your vagina with a full head of chopped cabbage and some salt, because you guessed it. We're making sauerkraut. After three to seven days, we will harvest the sauerkraut from your fragrant fanny and put it in mason jars to give to our friends. The origin of this fermented treat will be our little secret.

Hope you're not too grossed out. Oh my, no, God. Yeah, that one's almost as bad as, I think the worst one I've ever gotten Hope you're not too grossed out. Oh my God. Yeah. That one's almost as bad as I think the, the worst one I've ever gotten was this person wanted to flip me over and fill me up with soup. And I don't like that. That one was really upsetting.

I think that that sauerkraut one was pretty. Yeah. Cause it's got to stay inside for three to seven days. It's a long time. You're going to get toxic shock syndrome. I think so. They're not worried about my wellbeing. Cabbage shouldn't be there.

Thank you, Rob. I love you so much. Thank you. I love you. Bye-bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me is produced and engineered by all the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs,

Joanna Solo-Taroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream. What a dream. Ha ha ha. This has been a Team Coco production.