Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - The Cost of Being 'Cute' (w/ Cat Hollis)

Episode Date: July 9, 2021

Cat Hollis led the 2020 Portland Stripper Strike. Here, she explain why it happened and her work for equitable workspaces in the adult industry. Cat discusses the costs of being cute, shares the common challenges people face when dating a stripper, and gives advice on how to feel sexy even after a rejection. Black Lives Matter. For a list of resources and ways to support, check out blacklivesmatters.carrd.co. Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastaken Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Merch: teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964 Nicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

I'm going to be at the Houston Improv July 16th through July 18th. I'm at Helium Comedy Club in Portland, Oregon, July 29th through 31st. I believe more tickets will be released. Isn't that fun? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! whole buyer tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could force me to eat mayonnaise for every meal. And I would say, my new favorite condiment. I don't like mayonnaise.

My guest today is a Portland based dancer. She founded the Haymarket Pole Collective, a group of autonomous. Am I saying that right? Autonomous? Yeah. Yeah. Yes, I did it. I can read autonomous sex workers advocating equitable treatment for black and indigenous workers. She also organized a 2020 Portland Stripper Strike. It's Kat Hollis! Hey, what's good? What's good? Thank you so much for doing this.

I'm so curious about the Portland Stripper Strike. What exactly is it for those who don't know? The Portland Stripper strike rose out of black lives matter uh it started on june 5th of 2020 uh we are a group of dancers advocating for equitable and safe workplaces for dancers of color as well as um uh indigenous and specifically black dancers uh here in portland we have the most strip clubs per capita in the entire country here in Portland. So you're actually more likely to find a strip club than a bathroom in the city, just as far as public access goes. And we asked all of the clubs here

in Portland, there's about 47 of them, to take anti-racism training and get up to compliance with state code as far as non-discrimination goes and sexual harassment, sexual assault response. And we had a pretty good showing of clubs that really stood up and stepped up to the plate. And we held demonstrations outside of the ones that didn't. And we recently got a $590,000 grant to distribute aid to remit the harm from COVID on dancers of color. So we paid off some people's back rent. We provided emergency kits, COVID testing, STI testing by mail. And we currently host support groups for black sex working mothers that are free. So we're providing a lot of therapy services and a lot of COVID testing. Yes, that's fucking cool. I love that you, you know, decided to take care of your own people

when it's like our government does a very bad job of taking care of any old person. Absolutely. does a very bad job of taking care of any old person. Absolutely. Did you, like, how did the idea come about? Was it you talking to people, or were you, like, alone being like, I'm gonna change shit?

So I think a lot of dancers felt really alone, especially when the club shut down. That was, you know, that's our scene. That's our life force. We were out all night, every night in the city. And when Blackout Tuesday happened, there was some clubs that posted Black Lives Matter posts. And we were like, how are you posting Black Lives Matter when you've never had a black butt on any of your stages? How are you posting Black Lives Matter posts when you've driven black dancers out into what we call

the numbers, which is the more ethnic area of the city. The city is pretty white. It started like a flame war in a comment section where I found out I wasn't alone. There was a lot of dancers of color who came in to say, yeah, you know, I've had a problem. I've had a lot of microaggressions and macroaggressions and just bad experiences in the city and y'all could do better by us. And so a lot of the white dancers asked, well, you know, we're not in charge of booking. We're not in charge of defunding the police. What can we do to help? And I was like, talk to your managers, yo. We pay stage fees to work. Almost all of us are independent contractors, so we pay to go into work and they run on our stage fees. So I said, you know, don't pay clubs that don't stand by black lives. And there was a great show of

support from white dancers in the city and it really put the pressure on club owners and managers to make a difference. My goal, my mantra with this movement has been, I don't want a dancer at 2 a.m. crying, turnt up, drunk, not knowing who to go to. Uh, I feel that every dancer should know that they have somebody who's going to have their back and who will give them the resources to define their own best outcomes. And that just hasn't been the case before. It was really, uh, you know, we thought we'd be serving like 100 people, 200 people. And when we did the applications for aid, we got 1,500 applications and it crashed our website. So it's a need that hasn't been measured before.

And it turns out there's a lot of people who are struggling. I mean, you know better than most just that, you know, black butts don't get enough attention. They sure do not. And that shouldn't be the case. I love my black butt and I'm sure other people like my black butt. Straight up. When you say that like black and brown indigenous dancers were pushed to the numbers. So like what are some things that happen in clubs that drive dancers to leave the club that they're dancing at? Yeah, well, so if you think about just how expensive it is to be cute. I mean, I think everybody knows how much money we can throw at being cute. And if your job is catering to Western beauty standards, like straight hair, you know, thin waists. A lot of clubs would say things like, this is a rock and roll club. You're just not really the look that we're looking for.

And then if you did get booked as a Black or Indigenous dancer, you get a Tuesday afternoon, and that was it. And how do you afford to continue dancing at one of these high profile clubs when you only get Tuesday mornings and, you know, a new little bitty with blonde hair and tattoos gets booked for every Saturday night, the moment that they walk in the door. And then, you know, when you question it, you're the angry black lady, you're, you're having a bad attitude. And so they would really just push us to the, to the margins to the point that we couldn't afford to be cute. Mm-hmm. You know?

Yeah. I mean, that's fucking shitty. How long have you been dancing? Oh, gosh. I am 31 right now, and I started dancing at 23, so eight years. And what led you to it were you because i like so i i pole dance poorly uh i love it very much that's the first step to being really good at anything i can't thank you uh but um i just like went to a strip club and was like oh this is like fucking cool i i want to learn how to do it and then a friend of mine had been taking club and was like oh this is like fucking cool I I want to learn how to do it and

then a friend of mine had been taking classes and was like take a class so like how did you end up dancing were you yeah I uh I was married and uh working excuse me my cat is right here. I was married and working minimum wage jobs, which is, you know, $7.50 in the Midwest. And I was trying to leave my abusive ex-husband. And one of my friends was a dancer, and she was like, oh, you know, if you're trying to make rent, come up to Minneapolis with me. I was living in Minnesota at the time. She said, come up to Minneapolis with me and dance for a weekend. You know, you could make the difference in that one weekend. And I did, and I loved it. And I just remember one of the first things she said to me, I was like, okay, what do I need for my first day of work? You know, baby wipes, heels, got to stay fresh, makeup, that stuff, bikinis. And she looked at me and she said, well, you're going to need a wig.

She was a white girl. And she was totally right that she was like, you know, your hair needs to be pressed. It needs to be flat. You're not going to do that every day. Just, you know, grab a wig and throw her on. And so that was really my first experience with being like, oh, I'm really going to have to tone down my blackness. I'm going to have to tone down this ass. And I mean, obviously we're selling a fantasy. I understand that. And not everybody's, not everybody's fantasy is what I look like on the regular. So when I first started dancing in Minneapolis, it was great, but there was only like three clubs there. So after trying to leave the first club that I was at, just because it just wasn't my scene, there was other clubs in town. I wanted to try out other

things. I had a manager like try to steal $300 from me. And I was like, okay, give me a receipt. If everything's cool, why don't you write it down? And he looked at me and he was like, where are you going to go? And that rings in my head still to this day. That's why I say, you know, we're really looking to be that, those people to go to for people. And I just remember thinking, man, that line must have worked on other people. on other people. And it just ain't me, you know, wrong girl. So I went to other clubs and eventually it was just so hard for me because I was having to tell like landlords that I was a cocktail waitress. You know, stripping is a totally legal job. It's the same as being a lift driver as far as classification goes. You know, I make my money.

What is the problem? And I just wanted to go to a place where I didn't have to hide my work all the time. I didn't have to constantly be coming up with a story. And I knew that Portland had other options. So I moved to Seattle originally and then started driving back and forth and dancing in Portland. originally and then started driving back and forth and dancing in Portland. And I just, the scene here is so different than in any other place because people take like their first dates at strip clubs here. People go in for like an after work beer at a strip club. It's just very normal, normalized here. And I was able to tell my landlords that I was a dancer and they were

like, oh, cool. So you can pay rent. No problem. Cool. We good. I feel like that should be everybody's first thought as a landlord. You're like, oh, you dance. Oh, great. So you'll have cash for me. Right. Like just like cash money. You're going to sleep all day, take a shower, go out and then come back and go to sleep. You know, it's cool. We good. Yeah. I, my friend lives in Portland and I do love how it's just like, oh, let's just stop in and kill time at a strip club. And then when they're not busy, sometimes you just like talk to the girls and you're like, I like this trick. Can you do that?

And they're like, oh yeah, absolutely. And then it's just like a nice time. Yeah. I had probably the coolest stage that I ever had. Aisha Tyler, who is a lovely Black woman and director, actress. She came into the club that I was working at. And I just remember her coming up to the stage and screaming, I have never seen that in my life.

I was climbing the pole upside down. And one of the things she had told me was just don't stop. Don't ever stop. And I think that that has really stuck with me because it's just the pole is fun. Have you have you enjoyed taking pole lessons? I love it so much. Truly, like I am not good at it. But every time you start a new trick, it's a little crunchy. And then when you finally get it, you're like, I did it. It's very like self-affirming and a tangible thing that you've worked towards. Yeah, yeah, definitely.

I think that people will be like, does it hurt? And I'm like, yeah, until you get it and then, you know, you're good. But there is something, I mean, I feel like it's like until you get it. And then, you know, you're good. But there is something. I mean, I feel like it's like a grown-up jungle gym. You know, you can really just throw down. Yeah. Yeah, it's like adult gymnastics for sure. Like, I've seen kids pole dance, and I'm like, Jesus Christ, you're the strongest thing I've ever seen in my life.

Anytime I see especially, like, non-binary people, people who are, you know, male-bodied dancing. I'm like, damn, if you can really drop into that split and throw it in a circle, like, I can get on it. And I think it's so, there is so much camaraderie in the stripping community. And it's been hard with pole dancing becoming more prolific because people will come into the stage and they're like, you know, can you do this trick? But they've got $2. And I'm like, well, if I fail at that trick, I'm going to break my face. I call the drops my bread and butter drops because unless my rent is on the ground, I'm not about to risk my face. Drop it on the pole. Oh, oh my goodness. My cat just, my cat just knocked my there we go sorry about that

my cat's name is garbage and she really likes as soon as i get on a podcast to just like hop on top of me and she just knocked my headphones out so how did you come up with the name garbage well i figure people name their kids virginia I found her in the garbage. I also, I think she reminds me whenever I'm feeling like garbage, that garbage is adorable. Garbage has rolls, garbage has fur, garbage has little whiskers, and that's all cute as hell, you know? Just you gotta own what you got. I love it. You just gotta own the garbage. Enjoy the garbage, if you will. Definitely. She's my bestie. So you've been dancing for eight years. Has dating been hard as a dancer? Is it hard to

tell people or people just chill because it's Portland? Um, dating is really hard. I think partially because there's so much fetishization as a Black woman on top of the fetishization of dancers. And one of the things I like to tell people, like there's so much, the dressing rooms in strip clubs are such amazing places to be. And there's so much like girls talking to their boyfriend on the phone, trying to like get through some drama. And something that I tell people all the time is if he didn't want to date a stripper, he should not have been dating a stripper. Like a lot of people think, oh, it's the girlfriend store. I'm going to go in, I'm going to find a girlfriend, and then she's going to stop dancing. And like, that's fine. I'm like, well, you know, that's not really how it goes. And I can't pay my bills if I'm not doing this. So, but it, I have a partner who I've been with now on and off for

two, two years, two and a half years, something like that. And he definitely had trouble with me being a dancer and with me, like talking to clients. There are people who come in and drop half my rent on me once a week. Yeah, I'm going to text them on my days off. Like, that is a relationship I want to keep up. But also, you know, if a stripper does want to date you, you lucky. That's, that is a blessing. I do this for work, and I am willing to interact with you for free, I do this for work and I am willing to interact with you for free ski. So, you know, just put that in your little blessing box. But I think it is so hard because we work nights.

That's a number one. Like, can you go out on a Friday? No, I'm at work shaking my ass. And then when I come home, I'm like, you know what? I don't need somebody up in my ass. And then when I come home, I'm like, you know what? I don't need somebody up in my business. Like, you know, all my set, I've heard that like sexuality is like a beaker and some people have less sexuality. Some people have more sexuality and sexual, you know, expression. And my beaker is empty by the end of my shift. I have performed my gender to the max, you know? by the end of my shift.

I have performed my gender to the max, you know? So that does become really hard. And I think a lot of dancers have had a lot of trauma in their life and also have had to protect themselves from really gross and predatory people. And so there's a lot of hurdles emotionally and internally that we have to face even before we find a partner.

But it is a little bit more normalized in Portland. And it's funny because, you know, people will be like, oh, you know, I've dated strippers before. It's cool. And I'm like, OK, so you're like, what happened with that? You know, it is so strange that people love to make generalizations like that. it's like i've dated strippers before and they're cool it's like as a whole they're all cool you didn't have one bad thing happen every single one yeah it's hard and and i i also think that there is a like white folks get so scared about making a wrong step around black people, especially now. And so there's this like ultra interested, I'm going to be the best white person

for this black girl. And I'm like, oh, that's not my whole life. I mean, it is my whole life, but that's, you know, it can't be every conversation. And people think that like, where are you from is a really good icebreaker. And then think that like, where are you from is a really good icebreaker. And, and then it's not just where are you from? It's where are you from? Yes. Cause they're like,

uh, we want to know where your tribe is from, please. Oh, which part of Africa? It's a, it's a, it's a weird disarming question.

Cause you're just like, Oh, New Jersey. And it's like, but where are you really from? And it's like, America. I i don't know i don't know what to fucking tell you uh if their granddaddy had kept better records i would know that's my real answer i i like to say bored of that question no but where where what are you Really bored of that question. That's what... I think it presents some unique challenges,

but also when you find somebody who is, and I think this is true for any profession, when you find somebody who's down for what you do on the daily, who's down for you when you're tired, who's down for you when you are broke and when you are rolling in cash, that is a ride or die. You know, that is somebody who you need to stick by. And I definitely, I left my partner for a little bit because he was just so, so concerned about me like keeping on dancing. And I was like, this is what I do. And if you're looking for like a wife and mother right now,

maybe you should look someplace else. Like maybe that ain't me. And as Eartha Kitt would say, what is compromise? Compromise for a man for what? Like. I mean, yeah,

I like that you're very firm and like what you want, or it seems like you're very firm in what you want. And it's like, well, if you'd like to be around for this, then like, great. But if this is not what you want, you got to move the fuck on. Yeah, definitely. But then I sort of had to realize that I want somebody I feel safe with and I do want a partner. I think that's really hard when you're like, nope, I'm drawing my lines. This is who I am.

I'm not taking any prisoners. I'm not taking any excuses. And then you realize, well, actually, like, I do want a partner that I can trust and that I can feel safe around and that I can go to. And that can be really difficult to let go of that need for perfection. Because it's kind of like, you know, happiness isn't something you get.

It's something you make. And I think that it's the same with partners. You know, love and commitment aren't something that you just find. I mean, people do, I guess, find a soulmate. Do you believe in love at first sight? I believe in lust at first sight um i believe at lust at first sight like i think you can meet someone and be like oh my god i'm into everything they seem to be serving me but then like once you get to know somebody that what the thing you've made in your mind upon like first

interaction could be fully false and then you get to know the person you're like oh you're nothing like what i thought you were. And you can't, I mean, and you just can't fall in love with potential. You know, there's all this potential that you're like, well, maybe, and I feel like it's the same problem with people who want to date a stripper. They're like, ooh, I'm going to get a sex kitten. Like, I'm going to get this girl who is in it

and sexy all the time. And it's like, you know, not everybody wears a suit every day. I don't carry a briefcase around with me when I'm off duty. There's just some things that don't come with the job. And I think it's same is true with black women, that a lot of people think that we are some monolith of, you know, yes, girl, we are a queen. We're looking for a king, all this other stuff. It's like, no, I'm sad sometimes. And so I think really looking for a partner who's in therapy is like a number one. I think that is really key. Therapy is super dope. And finding somebody who is looking to make that happiness for themselves,

it's something that you want to sign up for instead of something that you are signing into. You know, you're going to clock into the work that it takes for this relationship. Like, do the work. And I want to be excited for where you're going. And that's, honestly, that's why I went back to my partner was I wanted somebody safe.

I wanted somebody who was clocked in to the work that they needed to do for themselves. So how did you meet your partner? Oh, my goodness. We met at a bar. And the first time we met was like really brief. It was at the end of the night. There was nobody there.

We just kind of like vibed and chatted for a second. And then I like, I went back to the bar the next day and realized I was like waiting for him. Like, I was like, oh shit, I'm like sitting here waiting for this dude. Do I like him? Like, what is up with that? That's not me. And then the next time that I saw him, And then the next time that I saw him, I ended up getting a plate of food and a beer glass thrown at my head by some dude who really wanted a hug from me. What? And I was like, no, I don't even remember why he wanted a hug. But I was like, no, that's not it. Like, not trying to talk to you. You're like interrupting my conversation with my friend. And then he was like, oh, it's cool. It's cool. We good. Let me

just give you a hug. And I was like, no, like, I don't know you, whatever. He was like, do you think that I'm dirty? And I was like, you can go fuck off or excuse me. I don't know if I can swear on here. Oh, you can say whatever the fuck you want. Good deal. And he ended up throwing a bunch of shit at me. And I ran out. It was on the porch of this bar. So I ran into the bar to get away from him. And the first person I saw inside the door was this guy that I had been, you know, wanting to see again. And so he didn't see anything that happened. He didn't see the whole scene. And he looked right at me and said, do you need help?

Who is it? And I was like, yeah, I do. Thank you for asking. And thank you for like, before jumping into Be A White Knight, that you checked on. Like stopped, assessed the situation, was like, do you actually need help?

And do you want it from me, you know? And that consent is so important because some guys will be like, oh, you know, I'm going to be this savior to somebody, you know, especially like Captain Save-A-Ho type of thing. And it was really, I was like, yeah, I do. Because I, you know, I came from an abusive relationship. So I was like triggered all the way up the wall when that happens. So running into somebody who I had just met and like immediately having that moment of like trust. And he went totally de-escalated the situation,

like didn't try to cock fight it he just was like hey guy you need to leave like you need to leave right now and got him out of there and then came and checked on me and i was like okay all right yes yes yes and yeah it's been good honestly not a traditional meet cute, but a good story nonetheless. Right? Yeah, definitely. Definitely. Real quick.

We have to take a break. And we're back. I just want to ask about dancing. How did you, what a, how do I phrase this question? Oh, yeah. What's your like dancing Like, how did you, what a, how do I phrase this question? Oh, yeah. What's your, like, dancing aesthetic and how did you arrive to it? Oh, my dancing aesthetic. So I used to make memes.

I still do sometimes. That's how I got a lot of my followers on Instagram. And I made this meme that was like girls who have only ever danced in Portland starter kit. And it's like a winged eyeliner, black full boots, you know, that are seven inches and a septum ring and like a black thong. And so I feel like my aesthetic, I have a lot of tattoos. So definitely ink is one of my things. I really like dancing to unexpected music. Like, I dance to Tracy Chapman during the day. I dance to songs that I really vibe with. And I think that my aesthetic is very sporty, just because that's kind of go for the, what do you like, the volleyball captain in high school, that sort of vibe. Like long socks, kind of a little bit like, is she or isn't, is she queer? I don't know.

The answer is yes. And I think that also I use the pole a lot, a lot, a lot. Mostly because I'm kind of awkward talking to people. And so I hide up at the top of the pole and that has gotten me a lot of gigs. So that is kind of my aesthetic. And I kind of go for usually bright colors too because a lot of people are wearing like black and red and i am like in more of a a sporty type of look um like a lot of t-shirts with funny sayings on them and i it came over the years my my dancer name i had two dancer names one is honey um but

some of the clubs wouldn't let me use the name Honey because it's too ghetto. Honey? Thank you. I don't know. I also, I have a lot of tattoos that mean a lot to me. And one of the questions you get a lot on stage is like, oh, what do your tattoos mean? And so now I started a sleeve that is all food, puns. And I got that so that I would have something easy to point out

when they're like oh what do your tattoos mean I'm like oh this is a stick of butter because I really like butter and so there it's uh just sort of things that I really like uh but that has been that has been fun to kind of divert the conversations but I always wore like a long black wig with like bangs. And Honey and Roxy were my two, are my two dancer names. And she's kind of a bitch. She's like a bad bitch. It's definitely, there's a little bit of a character that goes on. And it's been really weird now that I'm like a face in Portland that people recognize to go to shows and they're like, oh, you're Cat Hollis. And I'm like, I am that I am, you know, about my life. Okay.

So that has changed a lot of my aesthetic for me. And I'm definitely now I'm always in Fenty. I love Fenty Savage. Rihanna has provided me with the cutest. I just think that I've grown a lot as a dancer. I was wearing like Target underwear when I first started. I mean, don't knock Target, a Target queen. She's just as stunting. Target boutique is what I call it when people are like, where did you get that? I'm like, oh, Target boutique, you know. Has been weird that like, you're the face of like, you know, a stripper unity movement and like mutual aid movement. And then like also being in the club, like, is it, is it weird when people do recognize you and do you know a little bit about your life? You said kind of, but like, does it run deeper? Um, I think it is. Cause I'm, I'm neuro divergent.

I think it is because I'm neurodivergent. I have mental health issues. And I try to be an advocate and really open about the process of accepting your body and accepting your mind and mental health in where you are right now. And just kind of being really, I go from, you know, laying in bed to a full beat. And it's really difficult to have people who like know that I had a bad day because I posted about it on Instagram. And then you go in and you're like, hey, stud, what's good?

They're like, weren't you sad earlier? I'm like, oops, oopsie boopsie. But I think it's been really good to show people that strippers are more nuanced. I definitely, I think that not a lot of people consider who their clients are based on their politics or their opinions. or their opinions. And so I think one of the big changes in Portland has been that people are really considering, do I want to put my cute butt on this club's Instagram? Is this somebody that I want to stand by and I'm proud to stand by? And so especially since, because we weren't really open until very recently. So it has been a big change from going dancing five days a week to dancing once or twice a month for me.

And that has been a really big change. But I think when people see me, they want to talk about Stripper Strike. They want to talk about Haymarket Pole. they want to talk about stripper strike. They want to talk about Haymarket Poll. And so that's kind of a weird change that they're supporting me because of who I am instead of because they want to look at my butt, which is great.

I'm down for it. But there's definitely less of a character that I get to present. And it really is me. And it's more holistic and genuine. And that has been really good for me mentally. I think that it's been super important to go from a place of sort of presenting an image to creating an image that is who I am and who I want to share with the world. So like in a perfect world, what would clubs look like oh in a perfect world clubs would operate

like a co-op um they would be dancer owned the stage fees would actually be used to like i don't know clean the carpets um fix the stages um there would be a way to record incidences. Like in Oregon, every business has to have two people who are basically mandatory reporters to the club that if you go and say, you know, I got, this guy was being really gross. I want him out of here. It has to get written down.

It has to be recorded. If somebody calls you the N-bomb and starts, you know, slurring at all of your stages, they have to write that down. So that's a really big improvement. Me Too really helped codify that language in legislation that now there has to be, there is no more like, oh, we didn't know about it. Well, it's your business. Like you really need to know. And I think a lot of the framework that I have used for what we're doing comes from the civil rights movement. That public accommodation

and fair accommodation is necessary. You can't say that because you don't have Black customers, you don't have to cater to Black people. Like, that's not an excuse. It hasn't been since the 60s. And so there's no HR department in strip clubs. And I think that that would be something that's really necessary is to create a system where dancers feel empowered and dancers feel like they are protected even if they don't tip the bouncer. Like the bouncer's getting paid minimum wage. We don't make minimum wage. We shouldn't have to tip

to guarantee that we're going to be kept safe. So I think that that would be a change. But I think that stripper-owned co-op style clubs would be like the dopest thing where there was a sense of democracy also and a sense of fair and equitable scheduling practices. Because right now it's like what gives the booking manager a half chub is what all the girls look like. And it's like, nah, there's a flavor for every season. We need trans bodies in the club. We need queer bodies in the club. We need queer bodies in the club. It's not just, you know, motorcycle Barbie. That's not what everybody wants.

And it's just not interesting to see the same person on stage over and over again. So I think that diversity and on the back end, just a sense of accountability from the owners. And that's why dancers being owners is really the key. Do you know if there's any clubs like that around that are stripper-owned and like a co-op? So, gonna give a shout out. Onyx 420 Show is a streaming show that happens once a month.

Go sign into it. They're absolutely amazing. Half of the profits go towards charity. And so they donate to a nonprofit or a mutual aid once a month. go sign into it. They're absolutely amazing. Half of the profits go towards charity. And so they donate to a nonprofit or a mutual aid once a month. And that is a Black female own and run show that is online. It's streaming. So there's people from all over the country that do it. There was the Lusty Lady, which was a stripper owned co-op style club that was in the early aughts, I think. And that was really, really unique. And they scrubbed out because of landlord issues

that the landlord wouldn't keep renting to them or something like that. But it is so difficult because so many dancers are... I don't really understand the term survival sex work because I feel like any job is for survival. It just depends on your pay grade. But there are so many people who are just trying to get out of an abusive relationship. There are so many people who need a second job that can keep their kids, you know, fed and clothed on top of their, you know, regular nine to five job. And so it's really an opportunity for a lot of people who wouldn't otherwise have access to this kind of money to make bank and have clients that support them financially. them financially. I think that the more we educate people on what their rights and responsibilities are and what their workplace's responsibilities are to them, the more that they're going to find

power in their place and power in the places that they want to go. It would be really interesting to me if there was more clubs like that. But honestly, it's hard because in a lot of cities, there's like city code that prevents starting new clubs. So you kind of have to be grandfathered in to get into the scene in some places. But yeah, there's a couple of clubs in town here that are female owned. And there's a couple of clubs that are ex-stripper owned. So there are people who get out of the industry and come back to it with a place of equity and of power. So it happens, but it's rare. Would you ever want to own a club? Oh, goodness me. If it was a co-op, yeah. If I was owning a club with other dancers and it was an equitable space, yeah, I definitely would. I think that that model would be so cool.

attached to it because a lot of these people are moms. You know what I mean? And it's hard to find sitters nowadays. So I think that having a place where dancers could network and also to learn how the glass ceiling is so real. I have never run a nonprofit before. And now that I'm running it, I keep hitting the glass ceiling and learning what it means to have to learn skills on the go and to figure out like, how do you buy a business? How do you get a business license? How do you do these things? And so I think in a co-op model, being able to teach people and allow them to learn how to be a business owner, how to do the things that really allow you to function in the larger society, not just in the underground, as I call it. And so bringing people to the surface where they know how to start an LLC, they know how to file their taxes, they know how to...

And what it means to have power, what it means to shift that power dynamic from a place of operating under other people's rules to setting the rules and defining your own needs and your own outcomes and how those things come to you. I think it would be so empowering to dancers and to the people who own it together to learn that. So, yes, I would be interested. Anybody who wants to buy me a building, let me know, hit me up. Yeah. It would be real nice if someone just bought it for you and was like, here you go. Here's a nice little gift. I hope so. Okay. So your job is like inherently being sexy. And I know I need to like be myself when I'm approaching people in the dating world, but like you serve a fantasy. So like, what can I borrow from the fantasy that you serve to then serve it to a gentleman that I'm trying to date?

That is such a good question. If I was going to bring one piece of advice from what I've learned as a dancer, it would be get ready for a 98% no. I like to say that you have to ask 10 people to get one dance. And so if you get four no's, that is not a sign to give up. That is a sign to ask six more people because you want to get those no's out of the way. Statistically speaking, you get more and more likely to get a yes, the more no's that you get. So just not to lose faith in your product because you got a no. That just don't lower your price. Don't lower your expectations or your standards because you're getting no's. That just means that you have a niche market. And once you find that market, That just means that you have a niche market.

And once you find that market, it is so worth it to have gotten the nose and not compromise because who you are to those people who say yes is exactly what they want. And if you change yourself and mediate who you are in order to fit that mass marketability, you know, it's 20% of your customers provide you with 80% of your profits, but 80% of your customers don't provide you with any profit. And so understanding that when you get those eight no's, those two yeses become really valuable. And so just to keep asking and ask people what they're looking for. And if it's not you, that's not a bad thing. That doesn't mean that you're unworthy of making the bag. That doesn't mean that somebody is not going to come in and make it rain on you. There will always be those chaotic goods out there who

will find you and see the superhero in you. But that doesn't mean you need to, you know, Clark Kent it up for some so-and-so. I like that. I like that. It's like you get four no's, but then there's somebody out there who will say, yes, I love that. Real quick, we have to take a break. Real quick, we have to take a break. I don't inherently find myself a sexy person. So like, what is the thing I can do to like feel a little sexy? That is a really good question. I think that's partially why I'm a stripper is like I can't be sexy every day. And so I need a job that I can do when I feel like it. And so I think that the thing that you can do is prepare yourself for the days you don't

feel sexy because those days where you feel sexy, they're going to, they come, right? But having a process for that 80% no. Okay, so every time a guy blows you off and ghosts you, go buy a crystal, light some candles. Anytime that a date isn't what you want, have a ritual to go home and thank yourself for going through those no's. I also personally, I look myself in the mirror, I give myself finger guns and I say, who is the baddest bitch in Portland? You are. And so that kind of helps. I also give myself a little slap on the ass

just to keep myself going. And people seem to like that a lot, but it's mostly for me. Find the things to reinforce the parts of you that you don't think are worthy because you're a whole person. The parts of you that don't feel sexy are still a part of that being that is on fire that one day a month that you are just, you know, you are a god, you feel yourself. And so I would suggest, you know, having a care routine for those other days can really help you appreciate who you are holistically so that you don't doubt yourself on the days that you are a powerhouse.

That is something that has really helped me. I have something I call a bug out box, which is like snacks that I keep under my bed. And it's like easy snacks and a joint that I keep under my bed for the days that I can't get out of bed. I still got to eat. I have, you know, one day a week where I like twist my hair and take a bath and really like do a deep cleanse of myself. And it really helps me get up from those places because I know what to do. Because you don't need any instruction on the days that you, you know, the days when you're just like, when you're feeling good, you're like, ooh, this is easy. I love life. Exactly. Exactly. So, you know, preparing for that is hard, hard to codify. It's hard to put that into one place,

but to appreciate those exiles in yourself, appreciating those parts of you that don't feel sexy. And those are going to be the things that when you find, you know, everybody's going to love you on a day that you're a God, but it's the day that you're like a mouse that those are the days that you want a partner in. Those are the days that you want somebody there to appreciate you. And so be that partner to yourself first, because then you, I like to say, you know, you got to know your home so that you can show people around it when they get there. Ooh, I love that. Take your shoes off, make yourself comfortable.

And really, you know, this mess is a home. so important to know that person that doesn't feel sexy so that when there's somebody who's going to appreciate and cherish and be tender with that person, that you're ready to roll. You know how to show them around. You know what you need on those days so that they can just walk in and start taking care of you. I love that. Well, Kat, we've come to the end. I ask all of my guests this. Would you date me? Um, I mean, let's just say I am a professional dater. So there is definitely, there is definitely a price point that I say yes in. But I would date you for free. I would date you for free.

I would buy you those vodka drinks. I would buy you those vodka drinks. I would buy you those whiskey drinks. I would have a lot of fun and take you out to the jungle jam in the pole studio. And we could have a lot of fun together, I think. I love that answer. Would you date a stripper? I would date a stripper. I truly have no doors closed.

They're all open. I am very curious to date anybody from any walk of life. Well, then how you doing, girl? Oh, is she doing good? Kat, do you have anything you want to promote? Yeah, you can follow me on Instagram my personal account is at Kat underscore Hollis C-A-T-H-O-L-L-I-S

you can follow Haymarket Poll Collective at PDX Stripper Strike and we are raising funds for support groups and to provide free therapy services to sex working folks. You can check us out at heymarketpole.com. That's H-A-Y-M-A-R-K-E-T-P-O-L-E.com and make a tax deductible donation because we are a 501c3.

I love it. Well, if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it, you can rate it, you can subscribe. And if you write me something nasty hitting on me, I will read it. This person said, I want to make you cum so hard your body bursts apart like that weird old Sprite commercial

where Drake's face separates into a bunch of pieces like a robot, but instead of Sprite coming out, it's cum. Goodbye. Have a nice day. Bye-bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me? With me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me? is produced and engineered by,

oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotaroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream.

What a dream. Ha, ha, ha. this has been a team coco production