Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - The Joy of Being Alone (w/ Ashley Nicole Black)

Episode Date: August 9, 2019

"I would love for Guy Fieri to narrate my sex"Ashley Nicole Black (Full Frontal with Samantha Bee, A Black Lady Sketch Show) joins Nicole to share her love of being alone, whether they like to play music during sex, and Nicole's dream anniversary date.Also, Ashley exclusively dated gay guys in high school, meanwhile Nicole's was asking her gay friend to help lose her virginity.Be sure to check out A Black Lady Sketch Show on HBO!This was recorded live in Montreal at Just for Laughs.You can play along and see Nicole's dating app profiles and photos on her Facebook at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance to have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyBuy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=9649

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Hi, hi, hi, hello, hello, hello! Oh, wow! Thank you so much for coming out to this live episode of Why Won't You Date Me? Okay, well, I need to introduce my guest. When she comes out, don't be surprised.

People confuse us a lot. It is not me walking out again. You know her from Sam Bee, and you know her from the upcoming HBO show, A Black Lady Sketch Show. It's Ashley Nicole Black! Oh! Oh, it's a miss out. Thank you so much for being here This is what I mean

We don't look alike But people constantly think I'm you on Twitter And it's so With such love Someone sent me the most beautiful message I've ever gotten, congratulating me for being on The Good Place. And, like, how proud they were at the

ascension of my career. And I was like, yeah, you would be proud if that happened, but it didn't. People congratulated me on Sam Bee, and I was so confused, because I hadn't seen the show yet. And I was like, this, what? I don't think I did. And then I saw you, and I was like this what I don't think I did and then I saw you and I was like I get it yeah and I cannot tell you how many times I've been called miss pat this weekend miss pat is 50 yeah and then last year I was called Lonnie love and I was like

ain't that hard it's really it's not that hard because there's what a million white people who get called us call the right name yeah there's 10 you have to learn 10 names and 10 faces it's not that hard to keep track of that is it my god we're setting the record straight truly we're setting it straight although i am waiting for someone to fuck me and be like ooh, Lonnie, come. Like, I'm... Sometimes there are benefits. Ooh, what? Well, there was one, there was a girl in Chicago, Allie Barthwell,

who's an amazing comedian, and people always thought we were the same person. And I did get an audition and then got there and realized that they had meant to call in Allie. So I did the audition

and then I told them. I was like... I love it. You gotta shoot that shot I'm gonna be seen today call Allie in tomorrow she should also get her shot

I love it okay so let me ask you a question are you single? yes happily well I mean

the pause was a no I learned something about myself at that moment. Isn't that fun to find out something publicly? Yeah, in front of this. We all shared that moment together. I think like in theory, I'm like, yes, a relationship would be great. In practice, I long to be alone all the time. Anywhere I am, if I'm like at work or in a grocery store or anything, I'm like, I wish a relationship would be great. In practice, I long to be alone all the time. Anywhere I am, if I'm at work or in a grocery store or anything,

I'm like, I wish I was at home alone. I'm getting there. I am starting to enjoy my alone time. Although I do live with a roommate, and I could never live without a roommate. Really? I couldn't. Have you, though? No.

Oh, you have to try. I couldn't. Aloneness. I love it so much. Oh, you have to try. I couldn't. Aloneness. I love it so much. Oh, I like being alone with people. So, like, he'll invite people over and I'll be in my room. And I'll just, like, find solace that if I die, someone will come upstairs. You know?

You know that thing where you're like, oh, I don't know what to order for dinner. I'm a monster. I'm only ordering. Cooking wasn't an option. I'm just going to order two dinners and eat half of each of them and no one will see me do it ah see i do that and i don't care who sees it i do not care like sometimes i'll order two dinners and i'll get the bag and there'll be two things of utensils and I'll hand it back to the person waste not want not we only need one set here I have no qualms about that I don't care because they see a big bitch and like I don't want us all to just be lying to each other you know it's like you know what's gonna happen once those doors close and ain't gonna be half it's gonna be

both of each come on although I think i have to change my name on postmates because it's my actual name and the last time i ordered this lady came to my door and she was like i love you and i was like and now you know where i live so that was frightening that happened to me the other day a man was walking down the street and he saw me and he went msnbc and i was like you're close but you're incorrect and then i kept walking and then when i got to my door like just very clear that i live here he came back and he was like oh samantha bc i was associating you with rachel maddow and like, well, that's what every comic wants to hear, first of all. Secondly, now you know where I live.

Yeah, it's kind of scary. Yeah. Because people, people like to grab me. Yeah. So I'm just waiting to, like, go into my home and just be snatched.

Yeah. And, like, if you succeed in snatching me, like, you can have me. You know? Like, I'm big. So, like, if you get me keep it i was

like i guess i'll just tell you jokes that's what i wanted to do anyway i mean my mother used to say she's like i'm not worried about you getting kidnapped and i was like what and she was like they'll bring you back they'll bring you back but she wasn't wrong like you talk too much yeah talk too much. Yeah, like I talk so much. I'd be like, why are you tying me up? Why? Why? What's happening? What's going to happen next?

Are you going to feed me? I'm hungry. Are you on the dating app? I am not. Oh. I have like, I dip my toe in probably like once a year and then like run away from that pool. There was a moment. So I was getting a PhD.

Whoa, what? Yes. In what? In performance studies. What? And so I was on the apps and every man would send me like a really long message. Wait, I'm so sorry.

So you're going to be doctor actor? Yeah. Well, I would be training actors and people who make performance. performance okay so like it's a teaching track yeah okay yeah um had i known that when i started i wouldn't have but i didn't um so i would get these like long messages from men being like i just want you to know i'm not intimidated by how smart you are but like then three more paragraphs about how not intimidated they are you're like okay so you sound intimidated and so I quit and then I went back and when I had started doing comedy and I literally had three dates in a row where the man like sat down got

his little coffee and was like so how do I get into comedy and And I was like, oh, this is, yeah, correct sound. My God. This is not a date. It's free career consultation. Did you give them advice? No. Okay, wait. If someone messaged me and asked for advice, I would give it to them. But don't message me and ask for a date.

Okay, so let's just reenact this. Okay, so I'm the man. We're at Starbucks. Yes yes we are hey sorry i couldn't afford anything better um so uh here's your latte and um a bagel yes it's as if i don't know what's at Starbucks. So I bought that for you. How do I get into comedy? He's like, oh, you don't want to fuck? Wow, this is embarrassing.

But for me, for some reason. Was that your response? You don't want to fuck? Yeah, I was like, okay, goodbye. What are we here for? I love that. Maybe your experience is different. That's my thing with the apps.

You get into a conversation with someone, and most, sorry, I'm going to be honest, a lot of men are bad at writing. Yes. Let's be honest. A lot of men are bad at everything. And I don't even mean not being funny. Difficult to understand. I literally don't know what like not being funny like difficult to understand like i literally

don't know what this sentence is meant to say and it's like there's nothing sexy about trying to like figure out someone's writing so i'm usually very quickly like let's go get a drink because in person we might vibe really well and it's really the writing that is the barrier you know um and then you're like yeah let's go get a drink. And they're just like, so do you have siblings or a dog? And you're like, yeah, do you want to meet in real life? And they're like, yeah, so what TV shows do you like? And it's like, oh, you don't, I don't know why we're here.

I don't understand what it's for. I don't get it. I just had a conversation on Bumble where we were talking about documentaries and then I told him to watch this one called Abducted in Plain Sight. If you haven't seen it, what a treat. Yeah.

Like it is so poorly done, but like the wildest things keep happening and you're watching it going, how, what, no, why, how, what, ah, ah, that. Definitely read the follow-up articles because it only gets worse after the documentary yes oh boy i gotta do that but i told him to watch it and then he was like great recommendation that was wild and i was like isn't it and then nothing yeah and i was like i was so sure about it she

was like maybe he's only on bumble to get documentary recommendations like netflix just does that like if you turn on netflix they're suggesting documentaries left and right but no he was like she works at netflix maybe she got the scoop the inside scoop my god yeah i keep having the worst conversations with people uh let's see she's pulling a bumble right now i don't have oh shit shit. How do I get Wi-Fi? Oh, switch to the meeting. It says meeting. Meeting.

You know, I guess I don't need it. Yeah, I don't need it. Oh no, the weather. I don't know how to work. I'm having a real crisis right now i yeah okay whatever um i let's see if i can remember them so on tinder i opened bumble but it was on tinder so i matched with this dude who was like follow my instagram and i was like but why like i don't get why that's the second thing out of your mouth. So I didn't follow his Instagram. And then he was like, so you're not going to follow?

And I was like, no. And then he goes, so are we going to fuck? And I was like, this is all over the place. Maybe there were some like really sexy pictures on Instagram he thought was going to like grease the wheels. But my wheels are always greased. There's no need for that. What's the worst date you've ever been on?

Okay, it's one that I did not actually go on. This guy DM'd me. Literally one person in the entire history of my life has slid into my DMs. And I was like, this is my moment. It finally happened. So he dms me and he's like you are he's for sure gonna hear this podcast you're so beautiful and you're so smart and you're so funny and like he's like i know at the time i lived in new york he was like i know you're in new york but you'll probably be in la at some point and i'm asking you out now because you'll probably meet someone in between that time

and i was like yeah who says no to that right so i'm like sure next time i'm in la we'll go out so then this proceeds like a three month period of this man texting me every night facetiming me so i'm gonna reveal my age here but i think facetime is rude if you want to facetime someone you send them a text and you say would you like to facetime they look in the mirror check for eye boogers you know what i mean and then it's a yes or no this man would facetime me at like 11 p.m i'm like who's at their best on 11 p.m on wednesday i took my bra off i'm not putting it back on like what do you expect from me but this goes on for like three months of him, like just heavy pursuit. So I get to L.A.

He's a comic. Backstory. I get to L.A. I'm like, OK, I'm in L.A. for five days. I have meetings every day. My family also lives in L.A. So I'm like, so I'm like, literally this night is the one night that I have available. Cool.

No problem. I'm not going to tell you where we're going. Just bring a fancy outfit. All right, cool. And you've never gone out before? Nope. Okay. We've never met.

We've FaceTimed many times. Wait, you've never met him? No. You've only been FaceTiming? To this day, I have never met him. Yeah. Ooh, twist. Because to me, fancy outfits, like, this is our third year anniversary.

Don't tell me how to dress. It felt like a suave move at the time. So the day arrives and I'm like, you still haven't told me where we're going. You know, let me know. No response. A couple hours go by. I send him another text like, hey, so I need to know where I'm going. No response. like hey so um i need to know where i'm going no response uh then i look at his instagram

and there's a poster for a show he's doing that night so he's clearly double booked himself and instead of saying like i fucked up i have a show do you want to come to the show or i mean he just doesn't respond until after his set and then calls me and is like so hey girl what's up and i'm like no no that's so shitty yeah so that's the worst date i've never been on oh that is so rude i could not imagine i've done that before i've double booked myself it happens and i'll let the person know i'll be like i forgot i had a show like you forgot you had a show i'm like yeah yeah i fully forget almost everything we're both comics i get it yeah yeah right and i do this to non-comedians but like they understand yeah and they're like okay just call me when you're done i'm like okay or text me nobody calls each other anymore. It's rude. It is.

I think it's so rude to call someone out of the blue. I also think it's very rude to FaceTime someone out of the blue. And whenever it happens, I almost drop my phone. Yeah, I'm always like, no! What if it happens when I accidentally make the camera? Right? The only person I'll call without texting first. Yeah.

And I leave her the longest messages. They're funny to me. And then her mailbox fills up with only my messages. So then I leave her voice memos and text messages. I'm a terrorist. I don't know why she's friends with me. Do you remember your first relationship? Have you been in a relationship i have not been okay so when was your first one oh i guess first real one so in high school i exclusively dated gay guys um look gay guys are the best guy if

you're gonna try very kind a gay one i keep saying i think i want like a man leaning bisexual man or like who's not even by who was like gay until he saw me and was like i think i'll eat you out i don't even need that but like if a gay man will just live in my house and pick my clothes and we can like hold hands occasionally like that's enough for me i love that yeah so i think like in high school i wasn't in retrospect i probably just like wasn't ready to have sex and so my idea of a good guy was a guy who wasn't pressuring me to have sex because he did not want to see a vagina and then i had like my first real relationships in college i see i went to musical theater school. I went to AMDA. Some call it SCAMDA.

And I've said numerous times they don't claim me, but word's gotten back to them. Now they're trying to claim me, and I'm like, no. Nailed it! And I'm like, fully, y'all did it. I learned nothing there. All I learned was how to snort cocaine.

Anyway. That's a good school. Yeah, it was great. I had fun. I didn't learn anything. And I have a certificate that says I can act. And you were about to be a doctor back there. I'm like the lowest totem pole of that.

But it was musical theater school, so it was all gay men. And it was so hard to date. Like, it was impossible to date. And then most of them didn't come out to like halfway through the first semester because like one of my dear friends was like oh yeah i have a girlfriend i was like does she know which in hindsight is so rude so rude to tell somebody that but she didn't know and then she did know and i was right uh but yeah it was so hard and i was still a virgin when i went to college so my dear friend i was like okay we're close and will

you will you fuck me because you've fucked women before and he was like yes i will and i was like okay there's rules and he was like what are the rules i was like i'm gonna wear a snap crotch leotard and you can't touch me it was your fantasies were like so involved it wasn't a fantasy i was like i don't want you to touch me because i think it would be weird because we're friends and i don't want to ruin the friendship and he was like so you think me fucking you not touching you while you wear a leotard it's not gonna ruin our friendship and i was like fair okay yep very weird memory so much non-friendship ruining sex wait you have i know i've done it's not a thing it doesn't right it ruins friendships i think because sometimes people are like they get they get get caught up in the game. I had my roommate who I was having non-friendship ruining sex with.

And we were all, we're so grown up and so mature. And I had to have breakfast with every other woman he slept with. Because we lived together. And I just remember sitting across from this bitch being like, why am I doing? Like, I, first of all all don't even want breakfast i feel like the mature thing to do is to eat breakfast with her i'm putting myself through all of this yeah for what that's wild that's you should put that in a script that is like because i've never experienced that i'm sure other women have that's nuts that's called being in your 20s oh my god so you'd fuck this dude on a tuesday and

then on a wednesday he'd fuck brenda then you have to eat have cereal with brenda that's insane so everyone knows how cool i'm sure i am are you still friends with this person uh no but not because of that because uh he's become a comedian and he's like hey i heard you're you're in town. I'm like, yeah, as I'm typing we should hang out. He's like, if you or your friends ever want to cast me in anything and I was like, okay, goodbye. Whoa! If you and your friends ever want to cast me in anything.

What a funny sentence because I would have done it already if I wanted to. Also, yes, my friends are more famous than me so just ask for what you really want. You or your friends. Oh, man. Men are fun.

I love men. Let's see. I should have gotten on the Wi-Fi when I first tried because I do want to read stuff. Oh, well. So I matched with this dude who was like a producer on a show that I was on. And he was like, oh, I produced this thing that you appeared on.

I was like, oh, cool. Is that what you wanted to tell me? I was like, is that why you matched with me? He was like, no. I was like, okay. And I didn't want him to be like, so why did you match? Now we're having like a conversation. No, we're having like just a non-conversation.

What is that? I don't know are there men here i was i just looked and i made eye contact with a very attractive 60 year old man i'm like he's not on the app are you he raised his eyebrows he's not on apps he was truly like he's like you buy hair for me tomorrow have you been swiping well you're not on the apps i'm not i do swipe other people's apps uh i took my co-worker's phone one night we were drinking and i swiped his apps and not like as a joke like i wasn't doing a bit i genuinely swiped women who i thought were attractive and seemed cool and i probably swiped for like an hour uh

and then like a week later he's like oh my god i went on this amazing date he's like it's so crazy lately i've been meeting these women who are like smart like so smart like she's gonna be a doctor i've never seen a doctor on the ass before i'm like bitch i swiped your app you were out here swiping dummies that is so funny he was just like my life has changed i don't know what happened oh my god you can have a side hustle as being like the swiper i mean what a wild day where are you going i'm going to see the swiper i will find a wife it's like the Oracle from the Matrix I just rewatched the Matrix on uh

not my flight here on another flight guys it holds up does it hold up yeah it's pretty good I was some movies I'm afraid to rewatch

no rewatch it like Keanu Reeves oh boy what a treat always holds up my god he's so hot yeah and then that lady

who plays Trinity I'm like wow what slick back hair. A lot of shiny vinyl. And then Morpheus glasses don't have side things. He's magic. But like, how do they get them to stay on his fucking face? Just imagine like that was probably someone on that movie's whole job.

Following him around all day with their handout like waiting i do you think about that a lot i always think about like someone's dumb job on set for a dumb thing you see on screen yeah and then i always think about like when someone's like excuse me and that's their only line yes i'm like that you had to go in you had to drive to santa monica to audition for that to say me. I've driven two hours to say, no, thank you. And then the casting director is like, no, thank you.

And I'm like, that was fun. I do feel like I could convincingly play a woman in a store. I've been in a store before. My last commercial audition was for like

some barista part in like an Ikea commercial i don't fucking know but i everyone had these little aprons and the casting director was like where's your apron oh yes yeah i didn't know about that yeah in la people dress up for the part like so if you're going in for a doctor you better believe there's gonna be a like a room full of lab coats seriously and it's insane like just use your imagination they can't they can't literally the first time i walked because i started in chicago and nobody's doing that in new york it's new york yeah and then in la i walked in in like a cute little sundress like all kinds of cute every

woman in there was wearing a nurse's uniform and then i peaked because i'm a bad person um i'm all like always reading people's text messages and stuff so i looked over at the woman she was like holding her resume in her hand and she had only played nurses her entire career she had been on every hospital show and that was her whole i buy it she was black right yeah octavia spencer has played at least 79 nurses do you know what i'm saying the woman has an oscar like it's wild it's also so weird that hospital shows are actually our most realistically cast shows like every show is like it's New York and only white people live here but in a hospital they're like yeah there's Filipinos and Black who else is a nurse

that's funny and true that's so funny and true I was at the airport coming here and this lady put her stuff on the belt to go into like the x-ray machine and then she like went to go through the the person x-ray thing and then she like doubled back and goes i forgot to take off my flip-flops and handed them to me and i like took them and i was like i guess i do look like a tsa agent like like if you only knew them from television like sure i could be the tsa agent when i worked on sambi we were at i think the rnc or some large republican event and i was asking uh what do the republicans have to offer black people and every

single person was like if you vote for a Republican you'll get a job and I was like well I'm standing here holding a microphone in front of a camera I have a security guard and someone whose job it is to do my makeup but you are still telling me that you don't think I have a job like what do you think this is for a hobby? I go to the RNC and talk to white people. Like, you don't think I got paid to do this? You know that is someone's hobby, though. To get dressed up in the RNC and be like, hello, whites. That is so funny. You'll get a job.

And like 10 different people said it to me. Like, you need a job, i was like i'm doing it i'm doing it that's insane did you ask them what they thought you were doing um one time and they were like it was so bad that i never asked that question again they were like oh it's nice that someone let you do this and i was like okay we got it don't ask that question don't ask that question man america's bad stay here it's like not good how awful the worst kind of racism i like a mean racist oh yeah have you seen the video of the lady from north carolina she was in it was like a restaurant called like Hippity Bones.

I don't know. It was like an insane name for a restaurant. It wasn't Hippity Bones. It was something weird. But she, there was a table of black women and I guess they were being too loud for her. She said it like really riled up her anxiety. So she called them stupid N words, hard R. And then she went on television

was like i'll say it again and i was like that's my girl i'm fucked with that i like that there's nothing worse than a nice racist like someone who thinks they're being nice to you and they're like oh it's so nice someone let you do this this is worse i would rather you scream in my face me too call me the n word do it because at least i know we're on the same page i don't have to smile while it's happening no have you ever have you seen the video where uh this guy's in a hotel and this woman called him the n-word over the phone oh it shows up and he goes it's above me now i've never loved anything more than that. It's above me now. And she's like, I'm sorry. It's above me now.

The best part of that video is like her daughter is there. And he's like, your mother called me the N-word. And she's like, no shock. No hint of surprise. Of course she did. She was like, yeah, that's my mother. What did you expect? That's her favorite word.

She's a word of the day calendar that just says the N word. I'm going to make it. I'm going to make it and see if anybody buys it. Imagine the vulture article is like Nicole byer is making merchandise now i'm in trouble actually nicole black is making racist calendars but i mean why not why not make some money

well that's like the lady who made the 9898 bonnet. And people are writing these articles being like, white people, don't be appropriative. Don't buy this bonnet. I'm like, please, pay $98 for a bonnet. I'll be at Sally's Beauty paying $5 for one. Wait, like a sleep bonnet? Yes. $98.

A white girl made a $98 bonnet, and white people are buying it. And I'm like, let them. They're hurting themselves. It doesn't hurt me. It does not hurt me for you to pay $100 for a bonnet. But at least they know what a bonnet is. Do you guys know what a bonnet is? Oh, okay. Wow. She has curly hair. Oh, okay.

I'm always surprised when white people know about stuff. Well, the other day, my friend was like, oh my god, your hair got so long. And I was like, oh. I was like, I was like, that's some 90s stuff right because i've known her for at least a decade chris rock

made a whole movie my hair changes constantly and i was like you know this is a wig right and she was like what and i was like i can't i can't be shattering your world right now like i i can't look it's it's obvious it's a bad wig like this this was a hundred this is a bad wig like i had to fuck with the part there's makeup it's bad and then she was just like she like really couldn't handle it my favorite is to lie about stuff like that one time we were at work and my co-workers were talking really loudly while i was trying to work and that justifies what i did um and they were like planning a like a boating trip or something and they're like we got to get sunscreen who's gonna go get the sunscreen. And I just like very quietly went, what's sunscreen?

And it was like 10 minutes of silence as all of these white people tried to figure out, does she need it? Should we tell her what it is? It's obviously a cultural difference. Why she doesn't know. Maybe we shouldn't embarrass her. And like the one down white girl

is like crying under her desk laughing. Like, oh man, I can't believe you guys think this bitch doesn't know what sunscreen is. Oh, that is my favorite. It's so funny.

Who's Bruce Springsteen? That's funny, but I constantly get Bruce Springsteen and Bon, Bon, Bon, ooh,

John Bon Jovi. John Bon Jovi. Bon Jovi. Oh boy. Oh, that was frightening. I just couldn't get it out. Bon, Bon,

Bon, Bon. I mean, his name is insane. John Bon Jovi? That's your name? That's what you want people to call you?

There was a moment when that was the smartest thing to do as an artist. To have a wild name? Yeah, just like have a crazy name. I mean, I guess. Welcome to the stage, Jon Bon Jovi! I don't even know a Jon Bon Jovi song. Born in the USA! Or is that Bruce? Or is that is that john bond no is that bruce okay

whatever what's a bon jovi song she's like the no that's patrick that's patrick's way yeah let's see john john bon jovi living on a prayer i don't think that's right That's Patrick Swayze. Let's see. Jon Bon Jovi. Living on a prayer. I don't think that's right. I don't think I know that song. First of all, that's a Glee song. We all know. We all know where that song's from.

Yeah, it's definitely a Glee song. I love all them Glee songs. They're so original, you know? You're like, where did you get this from? These kids are talented. Wait, is the Jon Bon Jovi song... What's that song about that baby that fell out a window? You don't know that song?

There's a whole song about a baby that fell out of a window. What song is this? It's like... That's about a baby falling out of a window? Yeah. His baby fell out of a window. In that wild... I have not been praying that song the proper respect.

No, yeah, it's a good song about a dead baby. I had no idea. Mm-hmm. Tragedy. I'm like, someone is fucked to that song for sure. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. I mean, it probably is on someone's sex playlist and they're just like, ooh, sexy song.

Who knew? I mean, you have to tell people these things. You do. I wonder what a kiss from a rose is about. I've always wondered. You think seals out there fucking roses? That's a seal song, right? Yeah.

Okay. Do you fuck to music? Oh, the first time I ever had sex, I was like, well, we're sharing this. I really wish my mom would stop listening to podcasts. I really wish my mom would stop listening to podcasts. The first time I had sex, he put on like a sex playlist and I was like, oh, this is great. We're going to do it. Great.

And then Put It In My Mouth came on at the exact wrong time. And I was just like, I can't I can't get through this. We're going to have to stop and not be listening to this song. That's so funny. That's I don't really listen to music when I have sex because I'm just like, I got it, got it done. Well, I think also at the time that was like dorm room sex.

So you kind of have to drown out the sound. Yeah. I once slept with a woman who was so loud that I paused and was like, I couldn't possibly be giving you this much pleasure. I don't need this. I don't think anyone could be giving you this much pleasure it was like really wild she was like did you say something no i just paused and stared at her but like her eyes was

closed and she was being so loud and i it was really incredible i feel like the reason i'm bad at sex is because i would have stopped and been like is this for me do you feel like the reason I'm bad at sex is because I would have stopped and been like, is this for me? Do you feel like I need this? I'm actually perfectly confident here. And like, you don't have to do this. You don't have to. Just be quiet. And I'm not saying you have to be like dead silent, but like, give me realistic, like passion noises. Like a, ooh.

Yes. Thank you. That right there. Appropriate. Thank you. you thank you thank you so much ah yes we're doing we're doing it now a little golf honestly the next time someone eats me out that's what i'm gonna do when they like just raise their head i'm gonna go very nice very nice thank you thank you thank you very talented

i love your work yeah your work is very good a big fan big fan can you sign this just sign the inside of my thigh uh i yeah i don't really listen to music until i have sex with someone more than like once i feel like the first time music is, we're all just like, just trying to come. Uh, and then the second time I was like, well, we came the first time.

So like, we're back at it. So like, uh, comfort level. Yeah. So let's add music to it. Now I can let you know that I listened to Britney Spears.

Mm hmm. Uh, I was sleeping this one guy who listened to like hardcore, like gangster rap. And I was like, and he was white. So like, I was going to, guy who listened to like hardcore, like gangster rap. And I was like, and he was white. So like, I was going to,

I felt a little off, but then like trying to fuck where it's like, fuck the police. And I'm like, again, is this for me? Yeah. Is it for me?

Yeah. Is it like an Uber situation where you get in, they're playing country. They look back and they go, and then like fucking DMX comes on and you're like uh i mean thank you i prefer that over country but you know what we all like we all like top 40 that's why it's the top you know just yeah just put on uh some pop music it doesn't have to be urban but you know i don't mind it I like hip, hip. I just spit.

Who's the last person you fucked? That's rude. No, here's a better question. What are you looking for in a relationship? Oh, that's a good question. Hey, thanks. I always, like, half-jokingly answer it, someone who's nice to me, but that's really been what's missing

from the other relationships um yeah i think like someone who as i said i i really enjoy being alone so someone who like has their own thing going on and is independent and wants to like come together and be supportive of each other but like also not like live up under each other and just like be nice and like i think like grow with oh yeah that i like i don't think i've ever thought about that growing with somebody yeah because it's not like you're gonna stay stagnant as a person so like you should aspire to be with someone who wants to grow and like wants to better themselves yeah and like i think like for me personally intimacy is difficult for me like i'm very good like in front of a crowd but like so someone who's like we're gonna grow in this area

together as opposed to like let's just be jerks together or i'm really good at this and you're not you know like that thing where you're just like oh yeah this isn't easy but we're gonna like embark on this task together i also i want someone who wants to do dumb things with me. Yeah. I love a dumb adventure. Oh my gosh, you went to the Guy Fieri restaurant? Sure did. I, first of all, love the shit out of Guy Fieri.

Right? And then I was like, literally any time you want to go to a Guy Fieri restaurant, please call me. I love doing dumb shit, and I love eating trash. I said this. I mean, that's my wheelhouse. That's everything I love doing dumb shit and I love eating trash. I said this. I mean, that's my wheelhouse. That's everything I love. I said this on like a previous episode with Vicky Vox.

Someone asked me like what my perfect date would be. And I was like, it would be like an anniversary date where we would start at the Burbank airport. We would eat at Guy Fieri's restaurant, fly to Vegas, and then gamble for a little bit, eat at Guy Fieri's restaurant, and to Vegas, and then gamble for a little bit, eat at Guy Fieri's restaurant, and then have very full sex. Where you kind of just like moan through it. You're like, oh boy. Uh, yeah, sure. Oh, wow.

Then not that position. Okay. Like, not great sex, but like, you just kind of rub each other's bellies. I don't know. And then go to sleep, wake up, drink, and then go to sleep, and then go in the pool in the morning, and then fly back to L.A., and then eat again at Guy Fieri's restaurant,

and then go home and back to my normal life. That's a perfect date. That's what I really, really want someone to do for me. And I figure that's like a one-year anniversary thing, but they can just surprise me. They're like, babe, pack all your flame stuff. It's happening. I like that it's one year.

To top that, the next year has to be Guy Fieri is there. Oh my God. What, like in the room watching? It's diners, drivers. I would love Guy Fieri to narrate my sex. Oh, wow, yeah, that looks so good. Wow, watch him eat. I love Guy Fieri.

What's the wildest date you've been on? I think that's the wildest date I've been on. Oh, I don't think I've really been on a wild date. Oh, you're sad for me? I'm not sad. My dates are boring. I think like in my 20s, I did a lot of like, oh, we're friends. We're hanging out.

Oh, your pants are off. Oh, that's what this is. So not a lot of like going out on a date. A lot of like, oh, i guess maybe that was a date this has been happening and i'm catching up late to the experience but it's cool you know i've i only really started going out on like actual legitimate dates when i moved to la because i never went on dates in new york i never really i went on dates in New York. I went on maybe two dates in my 20s. One was I met this guy as I was walking to work. I was working at Lane Bryant.

And he stopped me. He was a little shorter than me, but cute. And he was like, you're beautiful. And I was like, hey, yes. Thank you. And then he was like, take my number. And I was like, no. And he was like, take my number.

And I was like, no. And he was like, take my number. I was like,, no. And he was like, take my number. And I was like, no. And he was like, take my number. I was like, of course. So we exchanged numbers and we like start talking. We find each other on MySpace. And then he was like, oh, and then we would like talk on the phone for like two, three hours at night before we even like met up again to go out. So we finally make a date to go out.

We go out and I had Chanelanel glasses at the time not super expensive i got them at lens crafters maybe they're a hundred dollars more than like something else ray-bans i don't know but i get there and all he could talk about was my glasses he was like what are you a little rich girl you're gonna afford chanel glasses and i made the mistake of being like my daddy paid for it and then then he's like, your dad, your dad, you're just a little rich girl who gets money from your dad. And I was like, if this is the way you're going to be,

I don't want this. Also, we didn't go to a location. We sat in Bryant Park. Like, no drinks, no coffee, nothing. He didn't even bring me a scone or anything. And it was a terrible date. And then afterwards, he was like, we went our separate ways he said do you want to go out again i was like on what fucking planet so i went out with him again and well he asked he asked politely

after insulting me for a solid hour uh so i went out with him again and then we met in central park wait okay so i'm thinking this whole story i'm like trying to find compassion for him and i'm like so he took you to a park and then saw the glasses and was like oh no this is a girl who deserves more than a park i fucked up but that clearly was not what he was no he did take you to a bigger park yeah and then i was like maybe the next day it would be a forest i don't know a national park you don't want to go to a forest on a third date but i didn't go out with him a third time because he just like kept he like it was more insulting things he was just i can't remember his name he was cute though and all i was like i was just like kiss me I yeah uh I'm just I have a terrible time with men have you ever

gone overseas and met somebody no I was oh yes I have that's not true um I oh man this guy was so hot he was so attractive he was a steel drum player I'm sure he is a steel drum player um and just like the sexiest person I'd seen in real life and he like wait where were you or do you want to say i used to work on a cruise ship what yeah so i was literally oh doing improv yeah okay cool and he was a steel drum player um and the thing on the cruise ship is like there's literally only two rules if you work on a cruise ship don't bring drugs onto the ship and don't fuck the passengers those are the only two things they require of you. And so many people cannot fulfill those two obligations.

I would probably be out the first week. That's all you have to do. And so the musicians are like, women are just throwing themselves at any musician on a ship. It's insane. Strangely enough, the improv comedians, not so much. So this guy. Really?

No one was like feeling you? Like, oh, I really liked your object work. Oh man. The way you swept that scene. You're a slow jog across stage as if to indicate

you didn't want the scene to happen anymore. So he was like, he came back to my room and I was like, oh my gosh, I'm going to hook up with just all of these abs. It's so great. And he was like um he came back to my room and i was like oh my gosh i'm gonna hook up with just all of these abs it's so great and he was like literally on top of me when he said my wife is gonna be so mad and i was like you couldn't have given me 20 minutes before you said it you know like just say it later say it after when it's too late because then you have to make the choice yeah you know like am i gonna make this woman angry or am i gonna be a good person yeah

what did you choose i was a good person ah i probably would have been a good person too because it just sucks like i would hate to be cheated on yeah and then i have to he's not gonna feel guilty about it obviously this is what he does. But I would have. And it's like, what's the point? Yeah, I don't want that to weigh on my heart. I met a man in Costa Rica. So I was in this bar and there was a bunch of Americans. And I was like, how wild! There's other Americans here.

Turns out it was a very Americanized part of Costa Rica. And it was all just Americans. And I don't think Costa ricans go out to party because we kept asking at the hotel we're like what do you do to like where do you go dancing and they were like dance like you know like boogie and they were like we work uh we work hard so we went to this place i met this dude we exchanged instagrams because of like wi-fi and like you don't want to text people it's expensive whatever whatever and then like we were sending each other like memes and then he was like come to this party tonight so i go to that party and i was like i think i'm gonna fuck this man and i

think it's gonna be like really wonderful and i can't wait and i said to my friend i was like you're gonna have to just sit outside the door and she fully was like. It's a very good friend. She's very supportive of me fucking. So many people really want me to have sex. I ran into Fortune Feimster yesterday and her fiance, Jax, and they were like, did you fuck last night? And I was like, whoa, what a wild question. No, and they were like, dang it. And I was like, oh.

There's pressure. I was like, why dang it? And they were like, oh and i was like oh there's pressure i was like why dang it and they were like oh because we heard some woman having sex last night and we both went i hope it's nicole it was so sweet if you're gonna be that invested then you need to just start like she needs to introduce you to someone at that point please introduce me to somebody but anyway i go to this party with this dude and i was like it's gonna be on and then he like hugged me and was like i'm so happy to see you

and i was like okay and i shared my drugs with him and we were dancing and then he never kissed me he never did anything i don't it was so confusing and at one point i was screaming to my friend i was like why won't he fuck me as he's like dancing with his friends and um i don't know and then he like moved to la and is like constantly in my dms being like we should hang out we should chill for what purpose yeah for what so we gotta just stare at each other i don't want that so also like if you want a friend and i've definitely done this to people i've've been like, you seem really cool. We should be friends. Like, I'm just letting you know what I want out of this. Yes.

I never know what gentlemen want. I never know what anybody wants. I think just someone to listen. Yeah. But like, just start a podcast, you know? Like, put it out for the world to listen to. I don't know. You know what?

We should do audience questions i hope that gets picked up on the audio what a fun i don't know if they have a microphone for the audience oh there is a microphone. Okay, cool. Does anyone have a question that they would like to ask me or Ashley? Hey, so I have noticed lately that I'm really, really bad at picking up red flags

or at least acting on them. And so I was wondering if you guys had any tips or like any fun stories where maybe you also missed red flags. Oh boy. I'm always missing some red flags. I think I'm actually too good at it. Oh really?

Like literally I was at a party a couple weeks ago and this woman walked in. She literally walked in the door and I was like, oh this bitch wants to ruin my life. Like just her immediate energy. And then the way she hit on me, I was like, oh, this bitch wants to ruin my life. Like just her immediate energy. And then the way she hit on me, I was like, I was right.

Her whole energy was just like, I was like, she's going to move into my house and leave me with her cat. Like I know exactly what this is going to be. Leave me with her cat. So I think I should do less of it. Cause sometimes maybe people's energy is weird. But I would say my advice is like anyone that makes you feel bad is bad like like friendship or dating like flirting hanging out

with people it should be fun and feel good and i think like there's this weird thing where people are like you're not good enough and then that activates that thing inside of you where you're like let me show you how good i am and date you for six months longer and it's like no if this doesn't feel good it's just not good. Yeah. I think you know red flags when you see them. And I think we all tell ourselves, I can make this situation better. And then you don't, if it's not good,

you don't have to make it better. You just have to make yourself better. I'm constantly avoiding red flags, or just like collecting them. I'm patriotic. I talked about it on another episode. Maybe it's not out yet. No, it came out today about how I tried to fuck an obviously gay man.

He was really just dropping so many hints and it culminated with him looking at my pussy going, I can't do this. Is the middle of that story on the podcast because i would like to yeah okay real stupid but yeah uh so yeah you know red flags when you see them okay who else has a question hey nicole first of all you're totally dateable hey thank you i think we can all agree based on these stories that men are terrible so i have a question for you yes how do you flirt with or pick up women like what's a good pickup line to pick up women i'm not good at flirting with women because i never know if it's

happening um the first woman no third woman i slept with she hit on me, and we were in a bar, and I was like, oh, I think I'm being hit upon. So I was like, I guess I'll lean in. I didn't realize I was leaning in. I just learned what that is a couple months ago. But yeah, I just kind of leaned in and was making eyes, and she was making eyes back, and I was like, oh, I think this is happening. So yeah, that's how I flirt with women not well uh and then sometimes when people hit on me

i don't know but i definitely know sometimes i did a meet and greet and this woman was like you're beautiful and i was like oh thank you and she was like my husband thinks you're beautiful too and i was like oh thank you and she was like he has a pass for you when i was like oh okay and she was like so do i and i was like oh and they were the last people at this meet and greet and i didn't know how to be like none unsubscribe at all um this this feels too wild i have i also have a really hard time knowing people are hitting on me and there's something about being a couple that makes because i always couples hit on me a lot oh do that and i always know what's happening because it's very like literally this lady tried to give me her address she was like just come to our house oh

my god release my hand so i wouldn't be in it just come to our house but yeah like one person is never that bold as two people yeah because you got that person behind you to be like, do it, do it, do it. The strength of being in a couple. Any more questions? Okay, okay. We're getting more questions. Hi, have you ever considered just going off the apps and do you think apps are making worse

worse for dating because it's so convenient and it's kind of super fake now have I ever getting off an app all the time every day I'm like I should get off this app or these apps but I just don't know where I'm gonna meet

people like a lot like on a set camera operators are usually all married uh their union they get money earlier so it's very stable boot up you know they have kids uh directors i feel like have little young things if there's an extra with one line that's my wife over there she's like this just happened to me yeah I don't know I think it's really hard to like

meet people and then I don't really know if I want to date another comic so like it's hard to meet people out of my industry so I feel like an app would be the way to do that so I do think it makes dating a little easier because it's like you have all these people in your pocket but I think uh I think it just makes it even harder in the same breath I'm being contradictory but like it makes it harder because you have all these people in your pocket so wow okay don't know what that was uh are there any more questions my friend keeps raising his hand over here yeah and you keep like wiggling too. So I don't... It's a really important question. I mean, I don't know where microphone friend went. Oh, okay.

Okay, perfect. Thank you, microphone friend. I'm sorry I called you microphone friend twice. So first question. Hey. Hello. I'm Renzo. Are you on Bumble while you're here in Montreal?

Yes. But wait. while you're here in Montreal. Yes. But wait. No, don't clap for that. You're in the same room and you have a microphone. Don't wait for the app.

Just ask now. I am on Bumble in Montreal. I have not opened it. They have us doing so many fucking shows. I'm tired. And yeah, I can't figure out the Wi-Fi. I was on it, and I don't know why I'm not. What's your second question?

Oh, is that it? Okay. You're just going to wave your hands at me? What is happening? What is happening oh she left okay okay my friend hi friend hi friend um so i'm a 28 year old gay man who's never been in a relationship okay but i feel like i'm good at first and second dates. Okay. But there's

a version of me out there like on Facebook and all that that's very witty and fun and desirable and stuff but the actual me is so fucking boring. Like I spend so much time on my phone, may or may not be clinically depressed. So it's just how do I make peace with the fact that

beyond like a couple days i'm just i'm just not that cool or fun is everyone as fucking boring as i am that's what i want to know for real wait i have a question. What's your sign? I'm a Libra. Does that... I don't know signs. Neither do I. Neither do I.

My God, I think you're a delight. Yeah, you might be boring, but I truly don't think you are because I think everybody sits on their phones. I think everyone is slightly depressed at times. Maybe... Are you in therapy eventually when i get my money together i'll be well okay i think maybe get into therapy and then maybe trying to get on antidepressants if you are actually clinically depressed would be helpful um also therapy can be expensive but there's sliding scale therapy i don't know if they have that in

canada and they do so they look at your income and they base the price of your session on your income so say you make six skittles you pay half a skittle and half a skittle yeah a purple one not a very not a red one maybe like a yellow one but i think maybe focusing on yourself would be really great before yeah you try to get into a relationship because you saying to a bunch of strangers i might be clinically depressed i don't think is a cry for help but i think it's you realize that you are clinically depressed and you're saying it out loud because it's your truth. But I don't think you should blame yourself

for not getting past a third date. I think you're fun and witty concurrently. So I don't think... I would go on at least four dates with you. Yeah, me too. At least four. At the very least Yeah I think you're really fun I don't think you should change a thing

Oh wow Just truly get into some therapy Work on you Thank you I think I have time for one more question One one more You can pick How does Juan get on N one more. You can pick.

How does one get on Nailed It? You can email Nailed It Casting. Not asking for me, so that's not fair. And also, not all men are terrible. What? Okay, I'll address you. So, you can email naileditcasting at magicalelves.com.

That is the casting. I have no control over it. I know not all men are terrible. I never said all men are terrible. When I say men suck at everything, I'm not saying every single last one. Some. It's a colloquialism. I'm not saying every single last one. Some. It's a colloquialism. I'm not talking about all of them.

So did you just come here to insult me to my face? To be shady to my face? So you came to be shady to somebody else? Is this in the audience? Okay. All right. Okay. All right. Okay. okay all right okay all right okay it's also i think we're like we all shared an experience and part of that experience was us saying we hate it when we're trying to do one thing and

then someone shows up and is doing a different thing and everyone was here when that happened and then that's why people groaned because they're like, oh, no, it's the thing that they just said they didn't like. They're so nice. That's OK. I love my job. I think we've come to the end. Yes. So thank you guys so much for coming out. Thank you.

Thank you for your questions. Even my friend over here. If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, please subscribe. Rate it five stars. If you write me something nasty, I will read it out loud. And this person said,

I want to blast you to the moon. Fuck you in the zero G S actually one G your G spot. I don't know what that means. I want to slurp up that pussy juice till you're dry. Like the grand Canyon. And for dessert, eat that big ass cake. I want to lick on that bean.

And suck on them titties. I don't care the size. Give me those itty bitty titties. Well, thank you. What a wild message to read out loud. Okay. Thank you guys so much for coming out. I appreciate it.

Give it up for Ashley Nicole Black. Thank you so much. coming out. I appreciate it. Give it up for Ashley Nicole Black. Thank you so much. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.