Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - THE LOST EPISODE (w/ Bobby Moynihan)

Episode Date: February 7, 2025

Rescued from a broken time machine, we travel from the past with an unhinged LOST episode of the podcast. Comedian and friend Bobby Moynihan (SNL) joins Nicole to discuss dating on SNL, how he met his wife while teaching improv, and why the TV show LOST played a weirdly huge role in their relationship. He talks about loving being a dad, and what he planned for his dream wedding.Also, we may have gotten way too drunk. Questionable decisions were made. We don't know who the president is yet. Minds were lost. Chaos ensued. A must-listen.Heads up: This episode contains MAJOR LOST spoilers.WATCH this episode on YouTube at: https://youtu.be/KmuyBNbd7nIWrite to Nicole! Send your dirty messages to [e-mail] with the subject line "Dirty Message" and Nicole may read it in a future episode.Follow:YouTube: @WhyWontYouDateMePodcastTikTok: @whywontyoudatemepod Instagram: @nicolebyerX: @nicolebyerNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746To support this podcast, check out our sponsors & get discounts:Arya: Visit arya.fyi and use code DATEME for 15% off today!Quince: Upgrade your closet this year without the upgraded price tag. Go to quince.com/dateme for 365-day returns, plus free shipping on your order.Squarespace: Head to squarespace.com/DATEME to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code DATEME.Dipsea: Listeners of this show can get an extended 30-day free trial. Just go to DipseaStories.com/DATEME to start your free trial.Audience Survey: ​​Go to GUM.FM/DATEME to fill out our audience survey.This is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Why Won't You Date Me? via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Love the podcast? You'll love seeing even more of it on video! Watch this full episode on YouTube. Just check the description for the link. Subscribe so you don't miss out. New video episodes drop every Friday. This is a HeadGum Podcast. Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why. Baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me?

A podcast where me Nicole Byer was trying to figure out why I was so single even though you could come on a window and tell me it was clouds. My guest today is a very funny actor and comedian who you know from his work on Saturday Night Live, the secret life of pets and Monsters University. It's my friend Bobby Moynihan! I thought you were gonna sing when you first started. I got super excited. No, I'm a bad singer and I have a question about you.

Sour candies make your head sweat. Yeah. Why? You tell me, pal. I don't know. I think I was here. I think I was here when I told this story. Were you?

Maybe, I don't know. It sounds like a podcast story. I don't know if you can see. Well, you probably can't because I'm not eating sour candies currently. No. If I eat anything mostly sour candies currently. No. If I eat anything mostly sour skittles, I notice, I happen to notice that sour skittles

do it the most. Oh. But I'll eat any sour candy, any sour candy, and by the way, love sour candy. I mean Sour Patch Kids, they're delicious. Delicious, but it doesn't just happen as much with Sour Patch Kids as it does with sour skittles. Whenever I eat anything sour

this Part of my body the crown like if you were to saw the top my head off yes I was born one day. You know just on if you want hello Rude, I'm really sorry. It's okay. My decor attacked you. It's okay, I kind of love it. Okay. Super hot, just gets super hot, I don't know why. It just gets gradually more and more hot the more sour candy I eat.

And then are you sweating? I wouldn't say the word sweating, but I would say like damp, hot to the touch. Damp. Uh, damp, it's a shitty word, but yeah, I will say it. Damp is not a shitty word. I'm not gonna lie to myself., hot to the touch. Damp. Uh, damp, it's a shitty word, but yeah, I will say it. Damp is not a shitty word. I'm not gonna lie to myself. Damp to the touch.

It's okay, I think moist is the word people don't like. But I'm like, grow up, everyone wants a moist cake. I disagree. No, I'm just kidding, I just wanted to. I want a dry cake, a nasty, nasty cake. A nice, crumbly, hard cake. Nasty, nasty cake. I like a nice, crumbly hard cake. I, when I eat, I love them.

They're Welch's fruit snacks. It like activates my diabetes. I have type two and I did it to myself. But when I eat them, it activates all of my diabetes like symptoms, like they immediately make me pee a lot, and they make my head hurt, and I get really thirsty. I think there's that much sugar in them. I wake up every day and I eat things

I'm not supposed to eat all day long. I know, same. It's the best. I love food. I just found out recently, it turns out, just peach and apple and cheese steaks, super bad for you. Cheese steaks are bad for you?

Just eating cheese steaks, Philly cheese steaks, and peach and apple all the time. Well, what if it's diet peach and apple? No, I love that stuff. I won't touch a diet peach and apple, ever. You don't do diet and apple? No. It's good.

She's hilarious. Nicole Byer, everyone. I love diet Snapple. I think it's so yummy. There's no such thing. There's no such thing. But it is wild sometimes when I eat something nasty and then I'm like, and a Diet Coke? I'm like, for what?

Just have a calorie. I just don't bother anymore. I just only eat the bad stuff, the really terrible stuff. I try to eat a little better, just because of the diabetes. If I didn't have diabetes, I would eat nasty all the time. Hey, maybe you're not on your way. I'm a picture of health, number one.

I run, I have run, I meant to say, in the past. I've run before. Yeah, I was on the hockey team in high school. And you had to run for hockey, but it's on ice. I did, yeah, but we ran on skates on the ice and also on tracks. I simply don't know how that works. I don't know how to ice skate.

I was a really cool kid in high school. I went to hockey practice in the morning and then tap dance in theater after school. Wait, Bobby, really? Oh yeah. You tap dance? Well, I used to when I was... Do you still tap dance?

I mean, I still remember the moves. Does my body allow me to do those moves anymore? I get it, I get it. I think about buying tap shoes once a week. Because I know how to shuffle up a buffalo. I can do a little bit of a time step. It gets a little funky if I go for more than one. One of the happiest days of my life was on this,

I was on a show called Mr. Mayor with Holly Hunter and Ted Danson and found out that Holly Hunter was taking tap dance lessons with Mary Steenburgen and they were like, wanna join? And I was like, this is the greatest day of my life. And then the show got canceled. Oh no! And I killed them.

No, I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding. My happiest day is when I found out that you weren't shooting Holly at a perspective that made her tinier, that she's just tiny. Correct. It blew my mind. She is a tiny person. It's the best.

So small. There was a lot of bits in Mr. Mayor, there was a show where she would just like pop out from behind like a file cabinet and she just did that, like she improvised that and it was the funniest thing and then She just did that, she improvised that, and it was the funniest thing. And then we started to establish in the show that she traveled around the building in the air ducts. And it was kind of my favorite part of the show. That's a very funny bit.

She was adorable, and still is. I love her. I love that. You know what else I love? That you're married. Correct, I am. I love that too. Cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough cough

How did you meet her? Um, I was her improv teacher. Really? Yeah, I hate saying that, but I was. I was her improv teacher. I was her Improv 101 teacher. And I felt, I say this to her often, I was like, I fell in love with you the second you walked in the door. I remember the second she walked in the door, and I remember thinking like, I need this money. I need the $150 before taxes, so I need to be on my best behavior, especially like UCB, you don't wanna be like an improv creep.

And we did not even speak until after the class ended. So I don't know why, but I feel like I have to say that in case my daughters see it later. Well, I mean, I think't know why, but I feel like I have to say that in case my daughters see it later. Well, I mean, I think it's okay, because it's like you're two adults, you waited until after the class was over, and was she funny? She still paid me.

I'm just kidding, I have to, I was trying to make a funny prostitute joke. No, I got it. I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was, I was trying to make a funny prostitute joke. I got it!

It's funny after a joke to be like, I'm trying to make a funny procession joke. Oh! It's been a long day of podcasts. You're all talked out. No, I love her, she's the greatest. I love my wife with all my farts. With all my, with all my farts. Do you remember your first date where you took her?

That's funny, no. No, I kinda, you know how, like, I don't know if you experienced this, but like especially with telling stories a lot where you just kinda like meld stuff together, you're not sure what become, you know, like whatever. When you say first date, I have a very distinct memory of our first date. Was that our first date?

Who knows? Who knows? Where am I? Who am I? You're Bobby Moynihan. You are in Los Angeles, California. Thank you. You're welcome.

We went, she was on Broadway for many, many years and we went to like this like fancy Broadway hangout. Like it was like in the Broadway district. It wasn't really a bar. It was in a brownstone. There was fancy music. And the second I opened the door for her to go on our first date into this bar,

Michael Emerson, the man who played Ben on Lost, was just standing in the doorway, and this was like peak, peak lost. And I was, I don't know if you know this about me, I'm a big Lost head, big Lost fan. And I like broke. I was, she was like, are you okay? And I was like, no.

No, I'm not okay. That was Ben from Lost. And she was like, what's that? And I was just like, it took me like a while to recover. Like the entirety of our first date was me going like, he's just so good. And like talking about, I was flustered by another man for most of our first date. Wait, that's really funny. Yeah, but we started watching Lost together

and went to Hawaii for our honeymoon. Lost has been a weird big thing in our lives as well. That's not weird, I like that. So on Lost, they crashed in Hawaii? Right, that's the show. I'm trying to think, no, they crashed on an island with polar bears and monsters. I don't think that's Hawaii.

Wait, what? I don't think Hawaii, yeah, in the show, it's not Hawaii, they filmed it in Hawaii. I'm sorry, I'm stuck on polar bears and monsters. Have you never seen Lost? I've never seen Lost. Have you never heard just the reference that there was a polar bear?

They found a polar bear? No. So they land on a tropical island. A bunch of people are flying in a plane. Yes. It crashes on an island. Some survive, some don't. The plane also breaks in half.

Yeah. We'll get to that later. Is that a thing that's a part of it? Yep. Okay. The tailies. Wait. Oh.

Are you about to start a podcast? I mean, we absolutely could. What are the tailies? Oh, I'm so happy right now. Can we get some shots? Can we do shots? And I can tell you, I broke everything. We't we can get you a shot there's alcohol here I was kidding but now I kind of want to do shots all of I you are the kind of

person that I'm like hold on one second it's 320 I'm gonna end up doing shots with Nicole Byer for the next four hours aren't I that's what I love about you I love that it's a possibility I mean we could do I know I'll about you. I love that. It's a possibility. I mean we could do you want to shot I'll do it 1 billion percent for doing a shot Okay, well you get us a shot of something It's 320. I got to go pick up my kids from school What do you want a shot of no she's gonna surprise us gonna be great I mean whatever I'll take Jameson if I if I have an if I have an option she's already gone

Okay, so it's whatever she brings her right well. I'll tell I'll take Jameson if I if I have an if I have an option she's already gone Okay, so it's whatever she brings. All right. Well, I'll tell I'll take a Jameson. I'll just say it's a balloon I I like vodka, but I can also do a Jameson. That's fine with me. Really you like vodka I love vodka cool And I don't know why a lot of people are like it doesn't taste like anything and I'm like, I think that's why I like it I don't know why and this is I, I think I might be a real weirdo. I just think vodka is cleaning fluid. Like vodka to me is just like, you use that to clean stuff.

You do. Like if you buy a used piece of furniture and in between having it shampooed or whatever, you spray vodka on it. Yeah, or if you get, you spill some nachos on your Star Wars sweatshirt. Not that I have. Who are the tailies? Squeak squeak squeak!

Oh my god, how many? The tailies are the people who were sitting in the back of the plane. Yes. But it broke off. Yes. And guess what? What? Some back of the plane. Yes. But it broke off. Yes. And guess what? What? Some of them made it.

OK. Are they, and they've been separated, they've been living on the same island as these people for a long time. But there's a smoke monster, a monster made of smoke. And there's a polar bear running around. Why? Do they kill the polar bear for food?

Why don't you go down in the hatch and? Ask the man who has to press the button every hundred and eight minutes or the world explodes wait what? Wait there's a man. Yeah, he's got a record player He likes record. He has a record player and an exercise bike What and he's been on the island? Yeah He's a record player? He's a record player and an exercise bike. No, what? And he's been on the island? Yeah. This show is truly unhinged. Yeah.

Okay, I would like vodka. Vodka? I mean, I guess I have to. I will do it. Let's do it. A little Tito's, if you will. Yeah. It's 320. It's 320.

Tito? The Best Jackson. Oh, my first improv team. Really? No, I'm just kidding. Please welcome to the stage the Tito Jackson. Tito's the Best Jackson. Oh, that's the name.

I was just kidding. Tito the Best Jackson. Welcome to the stage Tito the Best Jackson. We're all drinking. It's Tito Colon the Best Jackson. Welcome to the stage, Tito, The Best Jackson. We're all drinking. It's Tito Colon, The Best Jackson. One of my first real improv team names was Jason Biggs as a dyke. And it's a terrible name, absolutely terrible, terrible name.

And we got a cease and desist letter saying don't do it anymore from Jason Biggs. And I agree, I completely agree. But you learn, you learn with comedy. You live and you learn. Thank you so much. That's a hefty shot, Mars. I'm not going to pour, I'm sorry.

I'll take all of it. That's what I, but this is, it's good to see you. Good to see you. It's 3.20 in the afternoon. Cheers. Good job, guys! Good job,. Good job everyone. Oh I took a jet ski here

I once went on vacation was to sheer and I put in the notes of our dinner that we had just gotten engaged and we were celebrating it and the lady was like All right, your tables that way. I was like we got engaged today. I proposed on a jet ski. I dropped the ring She still said yes The lady didn't care. I she didn't care at all. I loved sheer with all my farts. She's the she's the best I love her with all my farts too. She really is the greatest um you know what's really awesome what? Waking up and Looking at your calendar and going oh, I'm going to do Nicole Byer podcast today This is gonna be a fun and then going to Instagram and immediately seeing a video of your friend

flying through the air on wires. Did you see that? It's so cool. I got to see that. The coolest. And then I saw the last episode. I think it aired yesterday. I don't know.

She's so good. But she's so good in it. She's so good. She's one of my favorite people and I love her so much. It's the best. It's the best. And she's so good in it. I like that she's flying around like a witch. I love her so much. It's the best. It's the best. And she's so good in it. I like that she's flying around like a witch.

I love that she's not like a witch, she's a witch. She's a potions witch on the show. We've even watched it, it's Agatha all along. And she's just incredible in it. And I don't want to spoil anything, but like... Mar-Marvel? It's Mar-Vell. The Marvelous Mar-Vell. I hope they... Good luck to them. Yeah, I mean... It's Mar-Vell. The company? It's Mar-Vell. The Marvelous Mar-Vell.

I hope they, good luck to them. Yeah, I mean. I hope they do well. They're just a small company, a little start-up. I hope they have this thing called Comic Books. I don't know. Not my thing, but. Bobby. So, ah shit, I like really went off the rails.

I had that shot. It's probably the giant shot of awesome we decided to do in the middle of it Yeah, no every our whole day is different We're not kids anymore too, but there's also like that party that's like are we about to do another I have to call someone to come get me. How was the podcast, honey? Fuck you. So fucking lit, man.

Oh, we gotta go fucking time. It was great, we made jokes. Yeah. How did you propose to your wife? With my mouth. I'm a father, human piece of garbage. I... Oh. I knew I was gonna do it.

I had the ring for a while, and it was, this is great, I think it was a Sunday morning, and I realized it was all lost numbers, the four, eight, 15, 16, 23, 42, the date, it was all lost numbers, and I fifteen sixteen twenty three forty two the date It was all lost numbers, and I was like oh, this is like a lost It's like a special day like well, we'll remember this wait really yeah, yeah, it was like the yeah I think it was August 23. I think I haven't yeah We it was a very it was a thing that we shared I went like oh, it's not yeah. She's happy about it probably

went like, oh, it's done, yeah, she's happy about it probably. I woke up one morning and I just went, I'm gonna do it right now, and I came around the corner in the living room and I went, hey, and she saw it coming a mile away, and she said no, and then there was a big legal battle. And now we don't speak. No, I'm also gonna sue you. I will say will say mm-hmm different podcasts before shot and after shot Do you feel it too you she's like she's like you have you have the look on your face of like I made a mistake

But I'm enjoying it. I know I And also here's the thing I have no idea how much time has passed because you guys didn't start the clock. Oh no, I don't care! I am officially, I have decided that I don't have any responsibilities for the rest of time. This is funny because you took out your phone and did something and then you were like, I have no responsibilities. I looked at the time and my family, and I kissed them goodbye. Goodbye.

I was looking at the time, because you said, I really was like, how long have we been sitting here? You know what's funny? I had a phone. We all did. Oh, it's here. I feel wild.

I'm sorry. I feel absolutely in it. I will say though, every time I see you, I feel like this could happen and I'm glad that this time it did. I'm glad it did. We once shot something that was a true blue fever dream. A moose. Oh no. Sorry. A moose. We shot a moose. You don't remember that?

We shot a moose. I'm a cute father. I don't make bad jokes. Bad, bad jokes all day. But this kind of feels like that fever dream, but in a better way. Yes. We shot, or I remember, I remember your first ass cat, I don't know if that's anything, but I remember like that, like I remember meeting,

doing ass cat with you and thinking like, wow, this is her first ass cat, she's, and I remember I sat on your lap and we, do you know what I'm talking about? Yes, I do. That is like a very, very, very vivid memory. I do remember that. And that was one of my favorite times improvising

because it was the first time I got to do Ascot, if you don't know, like UCB has a Sunday night show. There was a 7th, And it was like a big deal when you got asked. Big deal, I finally got asked. And I remember thinking like, oh, this was your first one and like, it was a 7 and it was like a big nine thirty. Yes big deal I finally got asked and I remember thinking like oh this like this was your first one and like it was a blast And I had seen you perform so much and I was like god Bobby's so funny This is such like an honor and a treat you're so funny. Like you make me laugh so hard Thank God when now we do shots together now. We do

Money in the afternoon. Wait Bobby. I love you Now we do shots together at 3.20 in the afternoon. Wait, Bobby. I love you. So you proposed on a lost day. Your cheeks are so red. I did a shot of vodka and I'm chugging them. So you proposed on a lost day. Did you get married on a lost day?

And how many days are in lost? There was a trope. I don't know if that's the right word. There was a thing in lost where Hurley, one of the characters played by the incomparable Jorge Garcia... Yes, yes, yes. ...had won the lottery, and the numbers he picked were 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, and 42. And they keep showing up throughout Lost in different ways. This is wild that you remember it.

Oh yeah, yeah, it's a, I am a, um. How many times have you seen Lost all the way through? The first season, a bunch, I loved, you know, but like, I've probably seen the whole thing once or twice, but like, certain things, I haven't seen it in 10 years probably now, but still love it, but you have such a great memory of it Yeah, is it written on your hands? No on my wedding ring. Oh on the inside of my wedding ring. There's a lost quote The there there is a

story about people who fall in love and They know they know they're in love throughout different timelines. No matter what happens, no matter what happens, they find each other. And you have her. Yes, and that's the last line of their letter to each. Like no matter what, it's called a constant. No matter what timeline you're in.

There's timelines? Oh yeah, they have flash sideways. What? What do you mean sideways? This show with no context is the... I don't understand how it was on for so many seasons or how you followed it. Because it was great because you would go like, this show's getting weird and then they'd be like, flash sideways. You'd be like, what? And you'd watch for another two years. Wait. It was great because you would go like this shows getting weird and then they would be like flash sideways You'd be like what and you'd watch for another two years. Wait

They would say flash sideways like on the show one Billion percent Flash sideways, oh Boy, yeah, they coined I believe they coined the phrase flash sideways. I've never heard that phrase. It was like a big thing when people were like, what do you mean? And they really do. Like, because the whole thing is like, after season one you started realizing that some things were out of order and they were showing.

So you realized you were seeing a flash forward. And then all of a sudden one episode you were like, wait a minute, that wasn't a flash forward, that was And you were like oh cool. They did that that person's, but you thought this the whole time and then one time They went and then they went fucking sideways They flashed sideways This show sounds like homework. Oh But that was it it was a great deal of homework it came out at the time when like It was like the deal of homework. It came out at the time when like, it was like, the show didn't even matter.

It was getting on the computer in between, and there was a lot of lost podcasts, which I read and a thing. Like, it was all about getting on the computer going, I think the polar bear is the devil. Mm. Wait, was the polar bear the devil? No, it was just the polar bear.

And it just turned out a greedy company, that polar bear out there. A greedy company? Yeah, the Dharma Initiative. Bobby, you keep saying so many things that are truly unhinged. The Dharma Company sent a polar bear to... Let's do two more shots. An island... I do feel wild. a polar bear to an island. Let's do two more shots. Ooh. I do feel wild.

I'm ham. I do feel, I haven't eaten today. I eat anything at all. Cold water. I've only had coffee. I feel bananas and I don't have plans to eat until lasagna. We've got a couple ounces of vodka. We're under hot lights. Yeah, Mars, you fucking loaded this up

and for whatever reason, I saw this and I was like, this is too much and then drank it all. We both were like, well, I guess we gotta do this dumb thing for attention. I love attention, it's what I love so much. Oh, it's so great, right? So, okay, we have to take a break. I completely disagree.

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Yeah, you're right. I would agree. How old are they? Seven and one. Ooh. Yeah. One is little. Correct. Seven is mid.

Sure, for kids, yeah, yeah because like seven is almost like ten and that's almost yeah She it's a very interesting cool age What's it? What's the thing you like best about having kids? Selfishly of my first thought was like, I just... I'm just like, it's the saddest thing in the world. I'm just like, I got buddies, like I just got little... Like, we just play all day.

That's so nice. They're like, we don't have school today, and I'm like, sweet. Like, I just... And it's just an eyebrow party all day. Yeah, it's just like... Well, does the one-year-old go to school? No, not yet, but like I don't our first kid didn't Speak to like almost two to three like it was like a late and there's one and a half this one is like hi Thank you

like doing bits and like she's Like one like what's that? She's like, what's that? And I'm like, what the fuck did you say? It's crazy. It's a lot different second time around. This one's a lot more, this one's a lot smarter. The first one was very, very dumb. Well, I think that second child always comes out

just a little feistier. I'm a second child, and I came out swinging and talking. Oh, you gotta fight for yourself a little bit more. No one's impressed. No, they've never done that. What about this one? Did you go trick or treating? and talking. Oh, you gotta fight for yourself a little bit more. No one's impressed. No. It's been a lot of like. They've never done that. What about this one?

Did you go trick or treating? I know this is coming out in February of next year, but did you go trick or treating last year? I went trick or treating last night, February 10th. I did, we went trick or treating a couple months ago. It was great. What did you trust the best? I just wanna point out that right now I don't know who is president right now.

We certainly don't know. And that stinks. Isn't it wild that we don't know, but by the time this comes out, we will? We will. We'll be months into someone's presidency. We are technically in a, we are in a broken time machine right now.

We are. And there's a picture of Joe Biden biting, but he's our current president. He's biting a child dressed up as a turkey. No, I did see that. And it's the hardest I've laughed at in a really long time. I said this man don't give a shit. Good for him. Let him eat a couple kids at this point. What? I mean that dog was trying to eat people. Dude, he did the cool... What dog? I think his name is Major. Am I making that up? Oh, his dog. His name is Major. Oh, okay.

His dog did bite people for sure. Yeah, his dog was, he be biting. Major. Bite him, be biting. Major is the name of a dog who eats kids, yeah. Sorry, Major. Yeah, I'm Major and I fucking bite dude. No political affiliation, I'm not voting for the dog.

Biden did like the coolest thing he's ever, anyone ever did for the country, right? Besides... My shitty joke was about to be besides the McRib. Like, because I like the McRib. I'll let you set that up again. Thanks. It was terrible. No, no. I'll let you set it up again.

I'm just saying Joe Biden, cool guy. I'm just super psyched he stepped down. That was awesome. I'm setting you up to say McRib things. I just like McRibs, you can send me one, one day if you want. Wait, do you like McRibs? Yeah. I don't like them because. Are you kidding me?

Well, I've never had one, but I don't like them based on principle, because you're trying to tell me that this is a rib. It is. And there's bone. The funniest food in the world. But there's no bone. It doesn't feel like any food.

It's like eating an ear. What? It's like eating a barbecue flavored ear. But the bun itself, I don't even know how to explain it. It has some sort of magical McDonald's dust on the bun that they make. Do you know what I'm talking about?

Do you ever have a McRib? No. No? They love themselves. They love themselves. Apparently I love myself. I've never had one. The McRib has this, I don't even know what to call it,

a granule like breading on the top of it. It's very pleasing to the touch. It's very pleasing to the touch. It's very pleasing to the touch. I just on a principle basis, I'm like, so you're trying to tell me that this is a rib. A rib has a bone in it. So there's no food involved in the McRib, I don't think. But it's delicious every once in a while.

I went to McDonald's, this was like a week ago, because I wanted an ice cream cone. It was, I don't know, midnight one something. And I got an ice cream cone It was no no midnight one something and I got an ice cream cone and you went there I went physically because you have to go for the ice cream cone if it gets delivered to me the cones gonna be Melty you got to get a sundae But I didn't want a sundae. I wanted a cone I stand corrected. So I went and he handed it to me and he said you're gonna have a nice time Aren't you and I was like, yes. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha It's a fun treat. Yeah, I love soft serve. Wiener Schnitzel right around the corner from my house.

They have soft serve. And they have what they dip it in the chocolate. Uh huh. And for a month they had a fruit loop dip. It was a white chocolate with fruit loops. Was it good? Nicole Byer, ladies and gentlemen. I recently, I texted my boyfriend, I was like,

Wiener Schnitzel has frozen, or not frozen, soft serve. So we're gonna have to do that. I'm, I texted my boyfriend, I was like, Wienersensel has frozen, or not frozen, soft serve. So we have to go get soft serve. And he's not as excited about it as I am, but I gotta get it. You mean your ex-boyfriend? No, stop it, don't do that.

I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding. Bobby, don't do that. I didn't know you had a boyfriend. He's so nice. I love him already. He's really nice. I'll show you a picture of him. Cool. I want to see his address.

Awww. Isn't that cute? Did the camera pick that up? No. Good. You can't see him. Nobody can see him. Lauren Michaels. And Lauren's like, I just can't let you in the cast because it would be favoritism. And I was like, Lauren, I fully understand.

Don't worry. Don't worry, Zany. I have a picture of Lauren smiling really big from some event. I don't know what it is, but it's funny saying every time I take a picture of my wife, I immediately go to that picture and then go look it came out great and show her a picture Dumbest bit that's a very funny bit. I like that so much. Why that came to mind. I Have a question true for New Year's Because New Year's passed

Every year this is February of- This is February 2025. 2025. I can't believe this is already 2025. Did you have any resolutions? Hahahaha Less... You got any? Being less terrified all the time.

I guess the world is scary. That's your only resolution. Yeah. Ever since, um... Ever since the robot president took over. Ever since the robot president and the blood wars began. Oh my god. I... This is now 2025, right?

It's 2025, we're in the middle of the blood wars. The robot rising. Everything is... I don't know, I hope everything's okay right now. I think... I hope we're still just doing improv. I hope so. Wait, what exact date does this come out? This comes out February 7th.

Valentine's Day is around the corner. Yep. That's why these are here, right? Yes, for Valentine's Day and not left over from my first episode. That's funny, when I got here I thought they were for Valentine's Day. They are for Valentine's Day. It's only in six days. It's in seven days.

Because it's February 7th. I don't get paid to do math. I don't get paid to do math either, but I just know 7 plus 7 equals 14. And that's a core belief. That's an easy one. 7 plus 7 is 14. Even when you said it I was like, yeah, I know that one too.

I'm hot. I am so, I so want another one, but I know it'll ruin everything forever. I know if I have another one, I ethically I should call someone to pick me up. I know that like in my heart, in 45 minutes I'll be fine. But if I keep going, I'll have to be like, you did me.

I'm glad we did one. I'm glad we were responsible. I got bombed during the afternoon of my podcast. What number of podcasts is this for you today? Three. Three, sorry. I'm glad we went out with a bang. We did.

I'm like crying. I'm having a really nice time. I don't know if anyone listening is having a nice time. It's just two people talking about when they see each other, they think about having a great time, and then this time they did. And then they did. Oh my goodness, I really am so hot.

I had to put my hair up. I think I'm... Oh my God, I've eaten a sour candy. My head is sweating. That's what happens. No, but I'm warm from here down, so I have it. What are you doing for Valentine's Day? I honestly have no idea.

It's in six days and I'm terrified. What am I going to do? Oh my God. I honestly have no idea It's in six days, and I'm terrified What am I gonna do? Oh my god? I think for Valentine's Day Oh now you look much more. And maybe I'll get flowers. Your glasses are steaming up. Fog it up over here. I'm so... I'm so... I'm so...

I'm so... I'm so... I'm so... I'm so... Bobby, can I tell you? I just bought a table-side air fryer Wait a minute. That's a mad lib a table-size. Yeah, what does that mean? Like a you could air fry on the go

It's a portable air fryer You're saying that wrong you can't say portable air fryer and table sized air fryer. I pictured an air fryer the size of a table. You can bring it to the table. Of side. Now I just heard you wrong. I watched a TikTok of this woman who was at work and she was like, I can air fry stuff at my desk. And then I bought it. I'm in. And then I bought it. And then I bought it.

And I was like, I don't know. It stayed in the box for a really long time. And then my friend, Mateo, was like, why did you buy an air fryer to use at your desk? You don't work at a desk. And I was like, I just really like the idea of it. I love the idea. I love the idea.

Right? That you're like watching TV and then you bring the air fryer out to make food. I'm gonna bring four raw wings with me over to the couch and the TV. Yeah, that's more of my tricks. Yeah, no, I get it. Just bring my raw wings and send them down.

That is a s'more asking to be made. I get it. I have a fridge that's this big that holds like four bottles of water. And it looks like a fridge, looks like a white frigid air, old timey refrigerator in my bathroom. In the toilet.

No, I'm just kidding. It's on the table. Why in my bathroom In the toilet no It's on the table why in the bathroom do you get thirsty in the bathroom a lot? If I wake up in the middle of the night or something I want a cold bottle of water or something if it yeah That's smart. It's got a bottle of water in there. Is it all the way downstairs to get a bottle of water No, I get it. Nobody needs a journey. Man, fuck this part! I'm just kidding! I was like, I truly just agreed with you.

I said, nobody needs a journey, and now you're mad at me? I felt judged for half a second, and I got really mad. No, no, no, no, no, no. We're not here to judge. I'm just kidding. No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, no, I have a tiny fridge in my bathroom. I like that. Yeah, I love it. Do you restock it?

I feel like I would forget. Almost every eight minutes. It's tiny. It's tiny. It's so small. It is. You put a bottle of water in there, you take it out, and you got to put another one in. Well, it's four.

It holds four. Yeah, it was Amazon. It was like $9.99. Bobby, I have a question. What's the most romantic thing you've ever done? I've never done anything like that. I've never done anything like that. I've never done anything like that. I've never done anything like that. I've never done anything like that. I've never done anything like that. I've never done anything like that. I'm gonna go for it. What the fuck? The fork?

Yeah, it was Amazon, it was like 999. Bobby, I have a question. What's the most romantic thing you've ever done in your whole life? Probably this podcast. I don't know. Can I leave? Is it okay if I just leave instead?

No, we have 23 minutes left. That's right, that's right. Um, I don't know. I don't know. What's the most romantic thing I've ever done? That's like saying what's the smartest thing you've ever done. I feel like it's a little braggy. It is a little braggy, but now I'm trying to think of what's the smartest thing I've ever done. I've done smart things. Yeah, a couple.

I know the answer, so. What's the answer? I'm just kidding. I just wanted to make you think I do. I don't know the answer. I truly was like, oh, you know. Isn't that amazing? Don't you know someone knew the answer?

I think maybe doing improv. I think starting to do improv because I've met the closest people in my life. I've had the best times of my life, and I've gotten to do so many things that other people haven't gotten to do. It's funny that you say that. I can definitely remember the moment where I was talking to my mom, and I was like, I think this place. Like, I think this is what I gotta do.

Like, I think that realization is definitely a real thing. Well, Sashir has a memory of you going to UVA with Torco. Yeah, it's crazy. And she was like, that's where I have to go. And I remember it. It was the last TORCO show I did before getting SNL. Wild. And it had already been announced so people knew.

And she stood up and asked a question, said, how do I get on Saturday Night Live? And I said, get in the van, come back with us, start Upright Citizens Brigade, meet a bunch of people, and a couple years you'll be on Saturday Night Live. And she did. And then she did. I'm glad, yeah. You're making a ha ha ha.

Because I don't know if she asked the question, but somebody asked that question, and that is what you said, and then that's what she did. Yeah, it's crazy. Isn't that wild? It's a weird thing, and then it happened, yeah. Isn't it wild that you told that to like, I don't know, like a thousand kids

and then one said that and then did it? And did it. I mean, she's probably gonna do it anyway, but. I'm just kidding. Yeah, did you ever see, that just made me think of, this is in no way as cool, but did you ever see like the thing where like someone, or was I think it was like on Oprah, where someone, or I think it was on Oprah,

I saw it or something, where it was a woman, she had a terrible life, a horrible story, didn't have a fantastic life, ended up on drugs, methadone, met someone, was going through methadone, met someone on the line, online at a drug rehab, and that person was bringing someone in, was a friend bringing someone in. They fell in love, and da da da da da.

They get, on the night of their wedding, they took out a picture, and they were like, sorry, every night my father passed away, and every night I sleep with his picture next to me, and the guy is in the background of the picture. No, that's wild. They were like, oh my God, and he has the same picture from the reverse side with with her and her father in the background with like their backs. Wait, that's amazing.

Story, there's like a couple instances of this happening. Uh huh. I don't remember why I started telling this story, but I love it. Hey, I don't know either, but I think it's really sweet. Yeah. And I truly, because I believe in soulmates. Yes. And I believe that everybody who's placed in your life

is like either there to support you or like teach you a lesson. Because my therapist was like, breakups happen to teach you a lesson, and it's good that you dated that person because they taught you something about dating. But yeah, like I feel like that person was put in their life maybe for them to believe in a little bit of magic.

Yeah. And magic is beautiful. I lean too much into the magic and I start saying, life's like a movie right here. I get very Muppets and very like, we're all gonna live forever. I don't know. I think that's a better way to live.

Yeah, very much so. I'd rather live in, I feel like creative people live in a lot of the magic and a lot of the fantasy. Like I went into karaoke the other night and my friend sang, I'll make a man out of you from Mulan, and the whole bar perked up.

And I don't think that's like a normie song that someone would think of, but I feel like creative people are kind of whimsical, and everyone gets caught up in the whimsy, and I think it's really pretty beautiful. That's a bold song to bring out. I would be psyched. I would be like, I'm listening.

Yeah, it was a nice time. And then a white lady did Beyonce, Love on Top. Have I talked about this? I'm listening. Yeah, it was a nice time. And then a white lady did Beyonce, Love on Top. Have I talked about this? I'm so sorry. Is it good? No, she was really bad. She like started too low. It's a hard song.

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quince.com slash date me My wife did this beautiful thing where she kind of like asked like when we were doing our wedding She was like if you could have one thing like one dream thing for this wedding What would it be and I was like, that's awesome I did pitch and almost made it happen the The Muppets singing, somebody's getting married at our wedding, because I worked with the Muppets before. And it was like happening, but then I figured out I would have had to flown them all out myself and I figured out how much that would cost.

I was like, ah, we either have food. Um. Imagine. You were like, all right, cancel the dinner. We're bringing the Muppets in. In retrospect, very glad we did an adult human wedding. On Instagram, I saw this video of this

person's wedding where it's them walking down the aisle and then they pan to the audience and it's the Muppets going Oh, genius. Oh, someone edited in all the reactions. That's genius. The videographer did not ask anybody. That's just how they got the video. And I think that's iconic.

That's the videographer I want. So wait, what's the thing that you chose for the wedding? I thought about it. And my wife is a Broadway singer. And I was like, honestly, can you sing Love on Top at our wedding? Because I was like, you're just such an amazing singer. I just would love to hear it.

And her face dropped. And she was like, you're just such an amazing singer. I just would love to hear it. And her face dropped. And she was like, that song's really hard. And now thinking back, imagine, I just imagine if she was like, Bobby, will you do Drunken Concho at our wedding? Or like, will you do improv at our wedding? And thinking like, no, no! Yeah, no, I couldn't possibly, absolutely not.

No, in front of my mother? No! Now I think about what I really said, but I was like, I just wanna hear it. Did you do it? No. Good. No, no, no, no, no. It's a really tough song.

But I did an hour improv set as Drunk Uncle. I love that. Yes! Yes! Can I have a suggestion? Very good. Thank you, I know Drunk Uncle. Everyone's favorite catchphrase.

Can I get a suggestion? I have, unfortunately, done improv at a wedding. I mean, yeah. It's pretty tough. It's not beyond, I'm amazed and also like, yeah, how much did you get? Nothing, because it was friends. Oh!

It was unpaid, it was, guys, do this. And I said, yes. And looking back, I think we could have all done without. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, I agree, I agree. I simply don't think it was needed. And then I went to another wedding where there was a soft talk about doing improv. And I remember, it wasn't me, it was someone that was like,

we're not doing improv at this wedding. We just aren't doing that. And I was like, okay. As someone doesn't like fun. No. But thinking back, that person made the right choice. Improv does not need to be at a wedding. Nope.

Not at all. I just keep thinking about like family. It doesn't know what imp, like. No, it's an assault on all of the senses. It's like imagine doing a sound and movement opening at a wedding and your grandmother's like, they're now monkeys. Like.

It's four on a Sunday. Like yeah, it's the rudest thing you could do to somebody. Imagine improv at a wedding and then like no open bar. You just like no open bar. You just like held people hostage. Made them watch this improv. You just did an improv show. You just did an improv show and also got married. Oh, Bobby.

Our buddy Eli knew all the worst. Oh God, terrible thing to bring up on a podcast. You know Eli? Yes. Our buddy Eli knew all the worst thing ever. He got married. He's a fellow improviser. Oh yeah, I've heard this story.

Yeah, absolutely terrible. Got married, walked down the aisle, walked into the back and his heart exploded. Yeah. But he's okay. He's okay. Oh my good lord, he's okay. But everyone thought he was doing a bit, right?

Well it was just chaos. And then all of a sudden it was like, yeah, no he had a crazy. He had like an aneurysm or something, right? Yeah, the youngest... I forget what it was, but he's the youngest person in the world to ever survive it. They wrote an article about it in the New York Times. It's crazy, yeah. It's like...

Yeah, crazy. He was like... Comedy podcast. Comedy podcast, ha ha ha, he he he. But I feel like he was like, this wedding won't be about me. Yes, the second wedding he was very cocky and very funny. And it was awesome, it was very funny. But we begged him not to fake one as a joke.

Oh, I get that, please don't fake that. That was scary enough. I think about my wedding all the time. And I oscillate between wanting to get married and not wanting to get married. Right now I'm in the zone where I think I want it. I think it's really nice to just be like, I love this person and I really want to tell people.

I feel very lucky to say that my wedding was one of the best days of my life. It was just a great day. I love that. From start to finish, just a beautiful day. Thank you. How many people were in your wedding party? Well, not a lot. It was relatively, I feel like it was like relatively small, some friends and family, and like I invited the entire cast of SNL because I was on SNL at the time and like I wanted to impress my cousins.

Did Lauren come to your wedding? Oh no. No? Sorry, Bobby, I'm to impress my cousins. Did Lauren come to your wedding? Oh, no. No? Sorry, Bobby, I'm too busy making popcorn. No, no, no, I'm on an island with Paul Cardi, I have Paul Simon, I'll let you guess which. Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! No, he did not come. But he did send me a very nice gift. I have a, where you... It was a boat, it was a giant boat. A boat? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A big old, yeah! A giant boat, it was the Titanic. When you, the Titanic? Yeah. Oh, yeah! A giant boat. It was the Titanic. Oh, he raised the Titanic for you. Too bad those people went down there in that submarine. The Titanic's not there. It's at Bobby's house. That was him.

He sent them. I don't know if people know that. Were you married before, after SNL or during? Like, tail end. And then were you dating? Oh, you were dating before SNL. We started dating and like I found out I got SNL, I called my mom and I called Brynn and she was kind of like, why are you calling me? Like a little bit.

Wait, really? A little bit was like, we've only been dating for like a month. That's very funny. She was like the second person I called. And she's like, what's going on? Am I in a serious relationship? And nobody told me you're like yes. Yeah. Yes. I fucking love you. Great like we'll go on another date soon I'm like alright mate. That's so funny. I might be a viable partner. I might be a viable partner When you were in SNL did you ever get people slipping into the DMs being like please fuck me

Just like that When you're on SNL, did you ever get people slipping into the DMs being like, please fuck me? Um, just like that. Just be like, please! Fuck my pussy! I always tell, I don't always tell this story, but uh, this is the story that encapsulates that question. One night, early on, very early on, I'm on SNL and I'm at McManus, and a girl walks up to me and started talking about something, it was like,

I think it was Old Dirty Bastard was playing, I had put on an Old Dirty Bastard song, and she was like, did you put that on? And started talking to me, and I was like, oh, people, it's changing. It was definitely like, this has never happened before, what is this? And very much got the sense of like,

oh, what's happening, this is weird. And I'm me, I'm a big comedy nerd, I don't know what's happening or what to do. And she literally was like, do you wanna get out of here? And I was like, okay. And we left McManus through the side door and we were getting a cab and as it was pulling up, she was like, I know this is weird,

but I have to ask what is Howard like? And I was like, instantly knew what she meant. And I went, oh, I'm not Artie Lang. Did you think I not Artie Lang. Did you think I was Artie Lang? And she went, yeah, are you not? And I was like, no. She went, who are you? I was like, my name, and I don't know why I said this,

and I don't know why I said, I was like, my name's Bobby Moynihan, I'm on Saturday Night Live. And she went like, oh, okay. And I was like, I think I need to go. And I did not go home with that girl. And that was, that encapsulates any kind of experience like that. It was all, I was just like, no, bye.

And I got, I was in love with Brynn the whole, pretty much the whole time. That is so funny, pretty much the whole time. That is so funny. Pretty much the whole time. Well, I think like, I think like. Well, I mean, until you're like serious, we're like exclusive. It's like sure, whatever. The nine years of SNL was us eventually getting married,

but she was on Broadway every day, but Monday, and I was working every day, but Sunday. It was just a matter of time before we, our literal schedules just worked out. But boy, that's fucking funny. What's Howard like? I was like, Howard who? I'm not Artie Lang. Instantly. Then who are you?

I'm Bobbi Morne. And like, I don't know why, like I had clarified so well. Well, that'll do. She pretty much was like. That'll do. Well, I caught somebody. Not a complete wash.

And I was just like, I don't know. That is so funny. I mean, I have had a similar experience, but it wasn't me going home with somebody. I was at the Fox Gate, and I handed my ID to somebody, and he was like, you are so good and precious. And I was like, oh, I'm not Gab, Gab, Gabaray Sitteve. And he went, ha ha, whatever.

And I was like, wait, what? And he said to the other guy in the little hut, he was like, she's whatever. And I was like, wait, what? And he said to the other guy in the little hut, he was like, she's impressive. And he was like, you were so good in it. I was like, I'm not. I was like, you're looking at my ID. And I said the actress's name. Gaberet Sidibe.

And that's not me. And they were like, sure. And I was like, okay. And then I like drove onto the gate and I was like, I feel so wild. And sure, I confused me with her. She's so talented and she's so wonderful. But I was like, but my name is different than her Bobby. Who are you calling? I'm just doing I I'm sorry. I lost

I didn't lose complete interest. I was just trying to find No, because when you said that this is a real thing when Gabare Sidibe hosted SNL I like 100% fell in love with her. She was the best. She's so wonderful. Oh my god, that's so cute. I love her. Wait, is that you? Yeah, that's me.

I've never seen you without a beard. I know, isn't it? That's why I have one always. Because that, because I look like that. Yeah, it's not right. It's like Ted Cruz. It sucks. It is a little, you do look like you love Trump. Like if Fred Flintstone was human. I know. Yeah, that's why I always have a, that's why this is, yeah, that's why.

I am blown away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't think you look unattractive, but you just look like a different person. Completely different person. Wow. Completely different, yeah. Rosie O very attractive, but you just look like a different person. Oh, just completely different person Wow Yeah, Rosie O'Donnell's son Rosie O'Donnell's son son. That's what I feel like I look like When I don't at that period of my life so specific Wait, there was a period in your life where you just didn't have a beard for nine years I wasn't allowed to at SNL. They wouldn't allow me.

Because I had to be like... I watched you on SNL and I feel like you had a beard. I had a beard for 10 years at UCB. I shaved September 13th, 2008, and then I stopped on my last day of SNL, and only in that time did I not have a beard and like Every break that we had I had a beard again because I ate not having it. This is so wild to me. You're drunk Wait Bobby, do you have any advice for single people?

Nope Fuck them. No, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. You heard it here first. Fuck them. Yeah, get that water down.

For young, for single people, hold on one second. You gotta get hydrated. You gotta slurp that up. Um, for single young people... They don't have to be young. Well, I'm telling them first. Breaking it up into two different advices. Oh, okay, I'm so sorry. For single young people, on this side of the mic, take your time, man.

For single old people... Your time's running out. Don't go after the young ones. Stick with your own kind. And then by that I mean old. Honestly, I do think that's good advice. Because why are you old going after somebody young? Stupid.

What do you want with the youngs? They don't know. They don't care. They don't know. They don't know what you know. And you can't teach them. It's impossible. They don't have the same kind of brains as you did. Me and my wife have been talking Oh, I don't want to say it

The last couple days. Oh just about how Winona Ryder was treated I was like in the Hollywood community. Yes, when she was like 15 years old Yes, just in interviews where people are like look at you. Yes, Just in interviews where people are like, look at you. Yes. Or just like, it is shocking. If you go back in time and look at interviews of like, even like the Justin Bieber generation, which was just like 10 years ago, he was a child,

people sexualize these children in a way that you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Why? Like they would ask Britney Spears like, about her breasts. Oh yeah, all that stuff. Or like Jessica Simpson about being a virgin. And it's like, ugh, why?

Why are you doing this? Bebs, man, poor bebs. I guess I'm at a point now where I'm saying poor bebs. I say poor bebs. And then honestly, it's like, well, of course child stars don't like assimilate well into life. Because they've been sexualized as children Like, assimilate well into life? Because they've been sexualized as children and people are saying weird shit to them all the time.

Hey, stop it. Comedy podcast. Ha ha ha ha ha! Wait, Bobby. I had a question. You've had a few. I've had so many questions. I've answered most. I think you've answered all. I would say that Mmm. What's the worst date you've been on before you started having a wife?

That's another that's how you say it What's the worst date I've ever been on before you had a wife like oh before you had a wife. Oh, I just had the saddest thought. I killed someone, I'm just kidding. You murdered. I didn't have a bad date at all. It was a fucking great date. I'm realizing we know the person.

We're friends, we're friends. And it was like an amazing date. But I like saw the moment where the person went like, oh, okay, yeah, no. Like I was in, but right now I'm not. And I saw that moment and I remember feeling like I was going like, and what, and did you, and like I started and like.

Like panicking, being like, oh, you're out, you're out, and I'm gonna change your mind. I felt like I might as well have been going like, but I was doing so good, no! Come on! Like that. And I remember being like super disappointed. I've had moments like that on dates where I'm like,

oh, you're not into me. And I know you're not into me, but I'm gonna try so hard to make you into me. And it never worked. Yeah, no, never. People are not into it, they're not into it. Money, you try it. Money. Money or bribery. Bribery, you say,. Money. Money. You try it. Money or bribery.

Bribery. You say, I give you kisses. I talk like a baby and be all. Don't you want to name me? Isn't that what you want? Don't you want to feed me sometimes? Hit me as hard as you can. Please hit me.

Well, Bobby, we have made it to the end. Yep. Well, Bobby, we have made it to the end. Yep. Do you have anything you want to promote? I knew you were going to say that. Watch Frasier on ABC, I think. CBS. I think it's on Paramount+. CBS, Paramount+, watch it, watch Frasier. The new one or the old one?

Both. I've only seen one episode. Watch the new one with Tox Ollonganque, she's the best. Who? She was on DuckTales. What's her name? With us, now I'm going to say it wrong again because I tried to be cool.

Tox, I believe it's Ollonganque. That's a really fun name. Yeah, she's great. She played Mrs. Beasley on DuckTales. She's my favorite. I love her. DuckTales, woohoo! Minis. I almost disagree you can disagree all you want I was not on DuckTales. We were on some cart. That's me and Ernest Borgnein You just have these pictures!

I cannot, I have never seen you without a beard. Oh, Scandalus picture of me and Precious kissing me That is funny. And me and Cookie Monster! I don't remember you without a beard. I know, it's the worst! I can't believe you got to meet Cookie Monster. I'm deeply jealous. He's my boy. Cookies! Nom nom nom nom nom nom nom!

I love cookies! He wanted to look good for Quinn. Yeah. Help me look. Good. Hi Quinn! He wanted to look good for Quinn. Yeah. Help me look. Good. Hi Quinn. Quinn's my sister's son.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's my buddy. Oh, it's so nice to see you. Wait, could you get a message for me from Cookie Monster? Yes. The answer is yes. I would die. Yeah.

I just need Cookie Monster to say Nicole Byer. We love cookies done That's it. Like I just What a dream it would be to eat cookie cookie monsters one of the nicest men in the world My god, you know how incredible yeah, he's a really great guy I do you know Elmo yeah Yeah, he's a really great guy. I do you know Elmo? Yeah He's wonderful, too. I would love like an Elmo message. My grandpa's name is Elmo But he does he doesn't like get it But I understand I bought him an Elmo balloon he's like who's that like Elmo and he said I'm Elmo and I And I was like, you're both Elmo. He's just like, I was here first.

He simply doesn't get it. Yeah. Well, Bobby. She gonna pull out a gun? Imagine that. Pull out a revolver, an old timey revolver. That's it for you. This is the time of the show.

This is a new segment on the show. No, this is the end. No, this is the end. No, no, sit down. You have to listen to this. Okay, so. I broke the head gum. Is that your phone? No, it was the head gum knob thing.

The most important piece of the microphone. It's branding. It's branding! The cube? It's branding, the cube! So, we're at the end. Oh, would you date me? Of course! Sick.

So, if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it, you can rate it, you can subscribe on Apple Podcasts, and you can give me five stars. And if you write me something nasty hitting on me to Why Won't You Date Me podcast at gmail.com, I will read it. And it has to be sick as hell and we're also running low and I need more this one's long dearest Nicole I'm dead you're the only one who can see me all I want is to be pounded one more time by a big thick dick the only way I can is if you allow me to be in your body I will haunt you day after day until

you finally say yes I enter your body more than any man ever has and we go in search of the biggest veinius dick we can find Signed Whoopi Goldberg from Ghost No, sorry I would love Rita Miller Rita Miller 526-34043 Rita Miller No

I love her in that movie No, wait are you thinking of um I wrote the wrong name That's what she says She does say I wrote the wrong name Oda Mae Brown Yes, Oda Mae Brown is her actual name but Rita Miller is the wrong name. That's what she said. She does say, I wrote the wrong name. Ota Mae Brown. Yes, Ota Mae Brown is her actual name, but Rita Miller is the fake name that she uses to get to empty that $4 million into the bank account that then she then gives to the nuns,

which I think is fun because she's in Sister Act later. Correct. And I'm like, is it the same convent? It's part of the same universe. Do you think? Yeah. Everyone knows that Sister Act is Ghost 2. Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe. Listen, I have an idea for Ghost 2.

I play Otime Brown's daughter who does not have the gift. She still has the gift. We run a psychic shop in Brooklyn that's quickly gentrifying. Otime doesn't like it. I'm dating this white man. She also doesn't like that. We find out it's Carl's son, because we don't know about Carl's life. And then, Carl's son, the man I'm dating, kills my mom, Oda May, transferring the power to me.

And then, Carl's son is avenging his dad's death, and he only knows that Oda May and Molly were involved with it, so he got to Oda May. But now, me and Oda May have to go protect Molly again. We'll see you next week. I mean, I'm in. Can I play the guy on the trains, son? Yes. Like trains!

You can't touch it. You can't feel it. You're dead. You just gotta feel it in your soul. Or a Willie Lopez shadow man. Ugh, Willie Lopez. I think that's 424 Prospect Place. These kids are very young looking at this. You guys don't know anything about ghosts. There's no way we're the same age.

I'm much older than you. I'm 56 years old. You're right. I am. Born in 1970, something. I was born in 1972. I'm 56 years old. Is that math good?

I have no idea. I stopped thinking about it the second you brought it up because I don't even want to do math. We finally find one. When we get to his place, he has a pottery wheel and ceramic dicks everywhere. Jackpot! We start gobbling.

We start gobbling his knob. As I get used to you having a gag reflex, get used to! Most people have one. He bends over his pottery wheel and starts manhandling your body like a wet slab of clay before he enters your whisker biscuit. Eww. And we both feel the pleasure of his ten inch. He fucks until we cream all over his dick over and over moaning so loud that we that he can hear both of our voices. Oh yeah, someone's dead. Then finally at peace and still dripping wet, I go to the light,

leaving you alone with him gasping. As you get your clothes back on, you feel your check in your you feel a check in your pocket for a hundred thousand dollars and a note that reads, don't give this to those nuns fuck them kids It's four million dollars in the movie He gives you his number and you two start dating and spend the rest of your lives together in love from then on

Only you only see me when you have a pregnancy scare each time I write you in danger girl With a box of plant B on the counter that's funny The bathroom mirror with a box of Plan B on the counter. That's funny. You've been listening to Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. This show is produced and edited by Mars with executive producer Anya Kenefskaya. It's engineered by Casey Donahue

with guest research by Lindsay Kemp. Our VP of content at Headgum is Katie Moose and our theme music is arranged by Mike Kamatay. Thanks for listening. We'll be back next week with a brand new episode. See you then. Okay. Bye-bye. That was a Headgum podcast. Hi, I'm Caleb Herron, host of the So True podcast now on HeadGum. Every week me and my guests get into it and we get down to what's really going on. I ask them what's so true to them, how they got to where they are in life, a bunch of other questions. And we also may or may not test their general trivia knowledge, whether it's one of my sworn

enemies like Brittany Broski or Drew Fualow or my actual biological mother, Kelly, my guests and I are just after the truth. And if we find it great, and if not, no worries. So subscribe to So True on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts and watch video episodes on the So True with Caleb Heron YouTube channel. New episodes drop every Thursday. Love ya.