Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - The Most Chaotic Friendship Ever (w/ Meatball and Big Dipper)

Episode Date: September 11, 2026

Why Won't You Date Me is taking a quick break this week while Nicole is out of town filming, but we'd never leave you high and dry! Instead, Nicole is sharing one of her all-time favorite episodes of her other podcast, Best Friends. Best Friends Nicole and Sasheer are joined by two very special guests and hosts of the podcast Sloppy Seconds, Big Dipper and Meatball! Consider this a wild masterclass in relationships and how hard it is to maintain a bond with someone, featuring wild stories about naked meetings at gay resorts, eating ribs nude in bed, and bombing TV auditions in a speedo. Normal WWYDM programming resumes next week!Subscribe to Best Friends for more! https://headgum.com/best-friends.For more Big Dipper and Meatball, check out their podcast Sloppy Seconds: https://www.everybodysaymom.com/shows/sloppy-secondsWatch this episode on our YouTube channel at https://www.youtube.com/@WhyWontYouDateMePodcastSupport this podcast by checking out our sponsors:» Warby Parker: Our listeners can buy one pair of glasses and get 20% off any additional pairs at https://WarbyParker.com/DATEME — and using our link helps support the show. #WarbyParker #ad» Bask & Lather: Explore viral bestsellers and products for healthier hair of ALL types at https://baskandlatherco.com.» Hinge: Listen to No Ordinary Love for free on Spotify! https://hin.ge/WhyWontYouDateMe» Planned Parenthood: Donate to support Planned Parenthood now at https://plannedparenthood.org/defend» Wayfair: Transform your space with pieces that hold up to real life. Join Wayfair Rewards today to get 5% back on every purchase. Head to https://Wayfair.com or shop the Wayfair app for all things home.» Cash App: Download Cash App Today: https://capl.onelink.me/vFut/3v6r90n6 #CashAppPod Cash App is a financial services platform, not a bank. Banking services provided by Cash App’s bank partner(s). Prepaid debit cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC. Cash App Visa® Debit Flex Cards issued by Sutton Bank, Member FDIC, and The Bancorp Bank, N.A., pursuant to a license from Visa U.S.A. Inc. See terms and conditions for the Sutton prepaid card, Sutton debit flex card, and Bancorp debit flex card. Discounts and promotions provided by Cash App, a Block, Inc. brand. Visit cash.app/legal/podcast for full disclosures.Check out all of our sponsors and discount codes at wwydm.notion.site/sponsors.Follow:All Links: linktr.ee/whywontyoudatemeTour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenYouTube: @WhyWontYouDateMePodcastTikTok: @whywontyoudatemepod Instagram: @nicolebyerX: @nicolebyerThis is a Headgum podcast. Advertise on Why Won't You Date Me? via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Want to watch this episode? Catch the full video on YouTube. Just hit the link in the episode description. This is a headgum podcast. I used to follow online advice and drenched my hair with leave and conditioner. Guess what? That was not for me. My hair gets so dry. And using a one-size-fits-all product just suffocated my natural curls. It is so frustrating to try popular methods online and not see results. Finding Baskin-Lather changed. everything from my hair because they're formulated specifically for textured hair. Their stimulating scalp and hair bomb is 100% natural. It hydrates curly hair from the inside out to reduce breakage, and users see results in about three months. I use their aloe vera and avocado oil to treat the dryness and redefine my curls. You have to check out before and after photos on their site. The transformations are truly wild. It's black-owned, family-operated, and a dermatologist once told CEO that her sister's hair may never grow back. So she and her mom formulated their own oil,

and today her sister's hair is down to her hips. Explore viral bestsellers and products of healthier hair of all types from Basque and Lather. Go to Basque and Lather c0.com and use code date me for 20% off. That's 20% off at baskinlather, C.O.com code date me. So the entire premise of this podcast started as a way for me to learn why I was so single for literally hundreds of episodes. I have shared every messy, wild dating story with all of you, but look at me now. I found the absolute sweetest, nicest man in the world and literally owe it all to Hinge for introducing him to me. Hinge is the dating app designed to be what deleted. It's genuinely built for finding connection and dating with intention.

Setting up my profile felt totally different. I could actually share who I am and have meaningful conversations just like right out of the gate. I think the thing that sets hinge apart from other dating apps is the prompts. I love those prompts. One of them was, who would you invite to dinner? And I think that's just a, it is a simple question. But it's time. to get creative. Who would you invite to dinner, George Washington, and ask him some questions about

his teeth, you know, that would be interesting, or maybe you invite Nostferatus, and he comes, and he's all wild and stuff. Now that I'm off the market, I am completely invested in my single friend's love lives. And that's why I love Hinge's new feature. Friends take, your besties can now hype you up directly on your profile. This app worked for me. It can work for you. If you're looking to find a nice person in your life and get off the dating market, give it a try. Download Hinge today. I recently went to San Diego for a wedding and the whole weekend was so fun. A few of my friends and the nice man in my life all went together and because we wanted to make a whole vacation out of it, we booked a home on Airbnb that was right across from the beach. The location was unreal.

We were in this chic neighborhood so close to the venue. So when the reception ended, We didn't stress about getting a ride home. We just walked home together along the waterfront. We were in full formal wear, carrying our heels, goofing off, and trying to outrun the tide under the stars. It was like a movie. The home was awesome. We had five separate bedrooms,

so everyone had their own privacy. But we also had this massive backyard with a private pool and a hot tub to hang out in together. And the next morning, we all took a stroll for coffee and found this a beautiful. adorable local artist co-op and vintage boutique. We spent the morning trying on funky sunglasses, looking at cool art, and picking up some delicious pastries from a bakery nearby.

It was a fun little adventure. It was so nice to actually experience the local flavor of the area. Booking a home in a cool location made the weekend unforgettable. So if you're planning a vacation soon, I highly recommend finding a home on Airbnb. day. Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. It's me, Nicole, the host of this podcast that you love listening to. Listen, in the entire history of this podcast, we have never once had to skip a week. But hey, there's a first for everything. I'm miles away from L.A. filming something, and I don't have a fresh,

why won't you date me for you today? Oopsies, I'm so sorry. I'm really sorry. But don't panic. I didn't want to leave you high and dry. I wanted you to hear my boys. Instead, I'm sharing one of my absolute favorite episodes of my other podcast best friends so it is the episode with meatball and big dipper they are two of my favorite people i think they're so funny this episode is so funny it gets pretty rowdy we talk about um bed day which made it makes me laugh so hard to think about and okay listen to me friendship is a relationship and this episode is honestly a master class and how hard it is to maintain any kind of bond with people. Mupol and Big Dipper are so funny. I said that. Listen, I mean it. You're going to love it. I'll be back next week with Why Won't You Date Meant? In the

meantime, enjoy the episode and be sure to subscribe to best friends and add it to your rotation. Listen, listen, listen, have a nice time. Ha. Sashir, we have guests today. Yay! Big Dipper and Meeple are best friends and entertainers who hosts the popular podcast, Sloppy Sex. Big Dipper is a rapper known for body positive queer hip hop and meatballs a drag queen live friendship Hello, Cishir Hello Nicole we have guests we have guests isn't that fun it is very fun and they're our friends they are our friends

Can you believe? M, mm We can believe it we're your friends I believe it I don't know the ms really led me to believe that you guys don't think we're friends. I believe what we're friends. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You're coming in real hot.

I actually interpreted that because sometimes when you're on a podcast, you don't know when it's like your turn to talk. So I think they were just doing polite. We acknowledge, but we don't know if it's our time to jump in. Ah, I get that. But it can be.

It can be. Jump on in. Oh, wow. Talk and talk. Listen, I'm struggling. I forgot to take my ADHD medicine. Word. I love that journey for you.

This is going to be real fun today. And you've had two cups of coffee now. Well, yeah. Sometimes with coffee and my ADHD, it helps me focus, and then sometimes I go the other way. And I just start running in circles around the house, chasing my cats, doing nothing. Since there's no cats here, I'm hoping it goes the other way.

Okay. That I walk in. Walk in the other way. Is there a test for that? For ADHD? Yeah. Yeah, the internet has... It's called the internet.

It's on your phone, it's at home. It's 5G in the sky. The internet, you Google, like, ADHD tests. Like, I took an autism test on the internet, and it said slightly. But who is administering it? You actually have to go see, like, a therapist or a psychoanalysis. Yeah, but how do they know? No, Buzzfeed will tell you.

Take a bus feed quiz. I recently saw on TikTok that someone had, like an autism reveal party, where they got their results back from the autism test, and then they threw a big party. And they were like, mildly autistic, and everyone was like, we knew it. And then I think they, oh, they had the results

in a pinata that they broke, and then they spent most of the party putting the results together. Because it was a puzzle. Oh, that's what it was. Genius, baby. I love it. I love it.

We all have the same feed. Look at them. Real friends. But also like, what if you take the test and it's like, no, you're good. And you're like, but then what is it? Well, then you gotta go to therapy. Then you gotta go to therapy?

You have to go to therapy. You gotta go to therapy. Because you're like, something's afoot. Because you, Mee-Bol, you just think autism is when you quote movies? No. I think that I have a friend who has like a very strain. Then you definitely have it. Like, she could just-

Because you call movies. You're right. I also quote the not famous part of movies. Yes. So I think if you have like, an encyclopedic knowledge of everything, and I say a word, and you sing a song based on that, or you say a quote based on it. I'm like, something's not right. Don't point at me!

They were shooting on Griton. It's a wild thing. I walked in, and I said, I'm the latest a person can be. They were shooting on Griffith Parkville. And I'm in a movie. They're like Hollywood's back, baby. Gabby Nussie gave out those tax credits. He's got to do my. more. Yeah, do more.

We know you're watching. Don't make us pay to use the streets. Make it free. Free streets. Free the streets. Free the streets. Or there will be more shootings on Griffith. All right.

Well, you're not too. I want to get a gun. Hulter those. Put those away. You are my most vocally gun enthusiast friend, and I think the least, you're the person you should get along the least. Why? Because you're impulsive.

Pababababababab. I, have you shot a gun? Have either of you shot a gun? Yes, I've shot a gun. It made me so horny. It was crazy. It didn't make me horny. Wait, so sure, have you shot a gun?

I've only done the clay shooting with like a rifle. Skeet. So, yeah, that's shooting a gun. I was on a handgun. Gun range. Like, we were on a private, we had shut down the gun range to do this, like, art project that I was helping produce.

And so we had the full... we had like access to all the guns, including the automatic rifles. Oh, no. And all the people were like, hey, who wants to shoot them? Like, and I was like, I will, no, thank you. Like, I actively would feel the power of cold steel in your hands, because you fired off bullets,

small explosions in your hand. This is really making you. This is why. Really getting your body worked up for a night of love. I... Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop once. And I went with John Milheiser, my old roommate, and the guy checking us in was like,

so do any of you have any felonies, like as a joke? And I was like, actually, I might, I don't know. I've been arrested and I didn't follow up. And all he said was, well, you don't sign in it. Your friend can do it. And I was like, I just said I'm a criminal. I truly just said I was a criminal. He said, that's okay.

That's what you actually said was you were forgivable. Yeah, you said, I don't know if I'm a criminal. One time I went and some, at the gun range, And the guy, they put a person right next to us. And I was like, that's scary. And it was an old guy. And he kept on, like, he was learning from someone else. So he kept pulling the gun out and, like, kind of waving it.

And, like, his friend would grab his hand and hold it. And I was like, this is how I die. It's like learning to shoot a gun. Yeah, that's fucking scary. I once got into a car accident. And I was like, this is why I don't have a gun. Because this man got mad at me. He thought I cut him off.

I don't think I did. And then he, like, swerved around me. in the median lane, and then tried to, like, cut me off, but ended up clipping me. And then we pulled over, and I got out of my car, and I screamed at him. I said, oh, you think you're a big boy! You think you're so fucking smart!

I was screaming. And then I was like, you did no damage to my car. You have damage, and I don't care! And I got in my car and was like, if I had a gun, I would have shot him. Hmm. Hmm. See, I don't think my gun would leave the house.

Oh, are you kidding? I'm getting a tainty tiny gun. It's gonna be purple. I'm putting it in my purse. I was just at a drag show in Atlanta, and a girl had a gun in her purse. Yes. That's how people roll.

Yeah. But no one wanted to bring me ribs. It was crazy. There was a gun here, but no ribs? There was a gun, but no ribs. Wait, you were in Atlanta, they didn't bring you any ribs? No, Tammy Brown let me have one of her ribs

from the night before. And it really opened up something in me where I was like any ribs. Here's the thing. It was actually like really good, a cold rib right off the bone. I'm with you. That's nice.

If it's a good rib, cold, a day old, that's nice. That's the best time. Oh, my God. Have you been to blood soes? Yes, I love blood soes. Oh, God. I almost ordered from them last night. Oh, my God, same.

Twinsie! You almost order from them ten minutes ago. I know. I really was going to order them to the studio. And I was like, pull it together. So I've decided I'm going to wait until Thursday when I have a day off and I'm going to eat it in bed. Can you You mention eating in bed a lot

Yes, it's called bed day Have we never heard of bed day? I haven't heard of bed day I have a whole day off You're exhausted from having to be fun and friendly With everybody And I know it shows and talk to all these people And so you just kind of resign

To the bed And you lay down a blanket Yeah On the bed And you have like a little picnic The food blank And you have you know You have a food blanket

To catch all the crops The food You turn on the TV And you just binge watch something and maybe you have a cocktail in bed. That sounds really nice. Maybe it's whiskey, but you order food. Too much food.

Talk about- So much food that you feel sick when you're bad. Nice. And then you can't leave the house and then it's bed day. This is a poetic binge and I'm here for it. What is your body doing though? I said I was here for it. What's my body doing?

It's gurgling and grumbling. It's not obvious of it. Oh. I mean physically like I don't- I don't- describe how I'm eating nude in my bed. I don't know. I'm butt-ass naked. How I would do it.

Are you laying flat on your back? Yeah. Were you rolling over to the size? The bed and then you put a towel over the pillows. Wait, you're naked? Why is that the part that gets you? Have you never eaten naked? You've never eaten fully nude in the bed?

No. See, I'll eat naked not in the bed. See, if I was you, it would bed day would be bed slash pool day, and it would be half naked in bed and then I'd go down in the hot tub and really chill out. I help digest. Why half naked? Yeah, why half? I'm sorry.

And which half. Yeah, which is top or bottom. Bottom. Is it weird to eat in bed? Have you ever enjoyed? Okay, so you're on a trip. You're at a hotel. Definitely eating a bed, yes.

Yes. So it's that. It's that same vibe. I'll eat in bed if I know I'm going to change the sheets tomorrow. Yes. It's also, yeah, sheet day is the next day. Sheet day. Not laundry day, just sheet day.

See, I know about sheets and blankets on the sofa all the same day. Oh, nice. That's smart. That's smart. See? Now we're all coming around to naked bed day. I just don't know, like, the laying down to me, that is hard for digestion. Think about like swam- what have you ordered ramen? Slur-sler.

Well, that's not a bed-day friendly food. Well, ribs. Well, roll over. Roll over and eat it on your tummy. On your tummy? Yeah. Yeah, you're on your stomach. If I'm doing bed day, I'm eating on my tummy.

The weight of your body pushed down on your stomach while you're, trying to eat? I'd probably do a side lay. A side. And you know, ribbed hand, other hand, cradling my head. And then you can- That's exactly. Then you can do it easier. But then sometimes you go belly and then sometimes you're feeling a little frisky, you do a full roll.

With a ribbon, you're not like a dog. I'm doing belly with a pillow under my chest and then like a little arched. To get to the chair. Me's bent, feet up, kick it back in for. Having a nice child. It does that nice. I've eaten a lot of cookies in bed. Oh, I don't like crummy foods.

All right, but you're going to eat ribs? Okay, so why is everyone turning on me? I was giving you guys a wonderful idea. We could all do it together. We could FaceTime. Okay. That's cute. Okay.

I would do that. We could face it and be like, we're both in bed, eating ribs. You said both. So all four are not invited? I don't know how to do a group Facebook. Four people to be on a FaceTime. First of all. I don't know how to do a group Facebook.

It's possible. Well, okay, so maybe you have to do it. Maybe you organized bed day. Wait, Dipper, you are the organizer. I know, but I'm really fallen short. And you've fallen. I know. I want to go whale watching and I want to get on a boat.

It's a whale watching season now. Oh, it is? They're migrating. Let's do it. It's supposed to be when it's cold, yeah. Okay, I'll do it. I will. I promise.

Where do we have to meet up? You have to, we have to drive not to San Diego, but on the way. Yeah, it's somewhere in like Laguna. You drive, you park in a little beach town, and then they put you on this boat, and you ride the, a lot of the seats on the boat are like saddles. And they have a little bounce to them. So you ride the waves.

That's fun. It was really amazing. We went for my friend Ryan's birthday. Oh, so you could organize that? I will. No, he organized that. That was Ryan's birthday. That's how I learned about it.

Well, I didn't know if you were organizing Ryan's birthday, but not our events anymore. No, no. I believe the last thing that you organized for us. Organize our events, please? No, no, no, no. I will organize our events again. Actually, when we were talking about,

when you were talking about the shooting range and, like, someone, like, maybe doing an accident, it made me think of one of the activities that we did together, which was axe throwing. And how I threw an axe so hard that it bounced back towards me. And I was like, I didn't know this. Why was that even a possibility?

Right? That was wild. It's wild. It was real. It came all the way back. Yes, like, it almost hit my toes. I watched a TikTok of someone, and they literally caught it.

Like, it was coming at them, and he like... I don't like that. And I was like, okay, because it was fun, but then the idea of, like, getting my face sliced open. Maybe no event where we have to sign something being, like, if we die, it's not your fault. Yeah, at your own risk. I would do a high ropes course.

I would do a high ropes course. We were supposed to do a swimming... Remember we were supposed to go to a... A water park? A water park. And then everyone said no, because they were all like... The band-aid. I don't love that, yeah.

Band-aid in my mouth. I don't want to get something for a UTI or infection from the water. Which is a bummer because that's the joy of a water park. The mandates? Yeah, in your hair. A child peeing in the pool and you're like, that's not for me. A child puking near the pool. Oh, that's gross.

I remember as a kid one time I threw up in the lake. Ew. And I was just like, how do you... What do you do from here? Clean it up. Did fish not immediately go towards it? Or like in a pool. No, in a lake.

To eat it. Lake Michigan. Oh, so you're going to be... grossed out by the world, Nicole? No, this year it was like, did the fish immediately come and eat it? With a big smile on her face. Not, because that's what they would do.

Yeah, she's a biologist. Let her live. They would probably eat it. It's food. I just do better fish. It was cheese curds. Were you? Did the cheese curds make you throw up? Or was it like the motion of the lake? No, I, I, I had eaten some cheese curds

and then I was like wave jumping and like water went down my throat and I was trying to breathe and just And lake water is disgusted Right but I'm just saying That's when I learned like I was like what do you do I How do I clean it up? You just let it just belongs to the lake

And then I was like oh the world is full of disgusting things Like children's urine in the pool I one time Nicole I really took you there She's off I really I just if I love the ocean so much, and to think that it's filled with children's cheese curd vomit is really upsetting. Oh, and so much dooky. Yeah.

Well, the dooky dissipates. What? What is the cheese curd? The fuck. We would go to, we went to Galveston when I lived in Texas, Galveston, which is the gross one. And you would just pull down your shorts? Well, I had to go real bad, and it was a Christian group trip, and there was no way to go to the bathroom. So I just kind of just pulled my shorts on and was like, ugh, and pooped in the water.

and then went back to play Nicole you ever do anything gross all the time say a gross thing say a gross thing say a gross thing I've never pooped in the ocean too classic

I've never vomited in the ocean you wish I did put my pants in a hotel room once while I was sleeping and I discovered it when I went to the bathroom I just had to pee and then poop fell out I said, what's happening to me?

And I was really drunk. And I was so confused. Oh, you were drunk. I was very bad. What? How dare you? That's worse than what you feel bad. I don't feel bad.

I went to pee and poop fell out. Mm. Mm. Hmm. Hmm. Mm. What percent of podcasts do you think just talk about pooping? Well, when it's all the time.

It's got to be a high number. I would say, probably like 20% of all podcasts get to poop. That's a big over. That seems right. Yeah, I wouldn't argue that. Right? I don't think it's all of them. No, not the news ones. But what if the news is about?

This American poop related. News can be poop related. I saw a headline, so news, that... So, you know, that's news. Yeah, first and foremost. That the ice, I think it was either McDonald's. I think it was either McDonald's or one of the fast food chains has poop particles in it.

Full of Duky. They don't even know how it got there. It's because they don't clean the ice machine. They don't clean the ice machine. Does someone poop in the ice machine? No, why people are washing their hands? And then if you go and like just wipe it, you're leaving Duky. There used to be a guy.

Yeah, I was going to say in Houston, Texas that had a whole show called Slime and the Ice Machine. His name was Marvin Zindler and he looked absolutely insane. Marvin's. Marvin Zindler, slime in the ice machine. And he had a whole segment on it. And it was on the news, South News. And he would go to different fast food restaurants and restaurants

and test their machines for having, like, poop particles or, like, dirty ice machines. Because in Texas, every drink is, like, all ice and a little bit of liquid. And some of the ice, he'd be like, there was maggots found in the ice machine. And it was, like, really gross. And that's why I think you don't like ice. Because there's poop in the ice.

Maybe, because you don't, you taste the poop. Why would I know what that taste like? Yeah, why would you? I'm sorry, I did not mean to insinuate that. You eat both, you eat! That's what you do on bed day. I just eat poop. Okay.

You guys actually can't face-time me while I'm doing that. I need a private moment. Disquistin. Slyming. Well, slime in the ice machine. He had the best son, like, he would always have blue tinted glasses. Oh, man, just white, biggest white hair. Was he a journalist? He was a journalist, or he just convinced the news to give him a segment.

He was a journalist. He was like a news guy. And then he found his niche. It was about slime in the ice machine. I like that. And then I think he also was just like a huge like entrepreneur in Houston and would like throw events for like hungry children and so he was like a really good guy. Yeah, he'd be like, hey kids. Not to raise money. Everyone was a party. Just the party with a bunch of little of kids. He said, get in the bed, everyone half-naked, get in the bed, we're eating in the bag. All right. Not with the half-naked about the kids.

Oh, my goodness. It was adults, too. Oh, it's time to throw it to break. Everybody right back after this break. Sorry about the poop stuff. I pay all of my guests to be on this show, but sometimes they request to donate their fee instead. And do you know the number one place they asked to donate to? Planned Parenthood.

And for good reason. These health centers provide essential sexual and reproductive health care to people who need it the most. They're out there every single day offering affordable birth control, life-saving cancer screenings, and STI testing so people can safely take care of their bodies and plan their futures on their own terms. But right now, there is a push in Congress to extend the defunding of Planned Parenthood permanently. And we talk a lot about how messy dating is, but you know what makes dating in? infinitely harder and way more stressful for everyone, shutting down access to this exact kind of care. But Planned Parenthood is absolutely not backing down. They're still showing up for their patients every single day, making sure everyone can get the life-saving and life-changing sexual

and reproductive health care they need. Planned Parenthood needs your help in this fight right now. No matter the size, your donation makes a real difference to protect access to care and push back against the members of Congress trying to do. to shut these centers down. Don't let them get away with this. Go to planparenthood.org slash defend and give today. These scammers be scamming,

and they're getting so weird lately. I keep getting texts from unknown numbers asking if we're still on for golf. I'll golf. And when you reply, they then try to cap this issue and steal your money. It's a wild time out there and you really have to be careful.

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Banking services provided by Cash Apps bank partners. Visit Cash.app slash legal slash podcast for full disclosures. Oh boy. Having friends stay over could be so fun until they arrive with their suitcases, and then you realize your guest room is basically an overflow closet. My closet sometimes turned into a dumping ground from my own clothes, and I had a friend visiting, and I panicked because there was zero room for her bags. And I want my guests to, you know, unpack and feel relaxed and not live out of a suitcase on the floor. I needed to fix it fast. So I went to wait there and found the perfect storage bench for the foot of my guest bed.

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Head to Wayfair.com or shop the Wayfair app for all things home. That's WA1.1. Y-F-A-I-R dot com. Wayfair, every style, every home. And we're back. I have a question. Oof. Oh, no.

Do you do remember how you met? Yeah. Okay, do you want the real story or the fake story? Both. Because I've heard Dipper's story. I don't think I've heard meatball story. What's the fake story? Yeah, start with the fake story.

Yeah, what's the fake one? Though we met backstage at Precinct. Oh, yeah. Which is where I first met Meatball as a drag queen. But the real story is I had a friend who was a big fan of Big Dipper's music. And one time Big Dipper was playing at Foo Bar, which is that bar that doesn't exist in WeHo anymore. They used to do the dick contest. Where I wore the diaper.

We're not going to get into it. Always with the diaper. It's always about the diapies. And he was performing. And so my friend was like, let's go. And then I watched a bunch of music videos of his, like, the night before we were like, on our way there. And I was like, oh, he's cool. Let me be nice because he's over there sweating it up at a merch table selling his own merch. Like, let me throw him a couple dollars. And I bought a tank top from him. And that was the first time. I was like, I like your music or whatever.

Or whatever. And then the next day he went to the beach and took a photo. I wore the tank top. And then tagged me in the photo. That's nice. That was nice. It was very nice. That was the first time we met. And we only found out about that later because I thought the first time we met was backstage of precinct when we was in drag. Oh. But it was when I was actually out doing charity work for the gay community. And the charity work would be buying a shirt. That's what that is.

Which I just thought, I can't find it anymore. Yeah. It probably doesn't fit. Well, hey, hey, hey. Yeah. But, you know, I, because I have that, you know, annoying sort of like workaholism factor in my brain, like when we met, we had a nice. chill conversation and I immediately the next day

DMed him and was like hey we should do a podcast together I think you're great to talk to we could probably wait immediately did you guys even vibe like how do we talked best age okay we I had like seen him since then like at other events and I had just really moved to LA I had been coming here a little bit after I left New York but I was like okay I'm planted I moved here what parties do you do I'm gonna come to precinct more often and then the next day I was like one of my goals is

to make a podcast, I think it would be a great co-hosts. You want to do that. So our friendship only developed after working together. Wow. We basically worked together for two or three years before I would say we socialize outside the podcast. Wouldn't you say? Yeah, we never really hung out.

We would just like, we would record the podcast. And then in the early days, I would edit it and do all that. Oh my God. Remember that? I was doing all the editing. I was just remembering him like participating in the work. clothes. That was crazy.

No, no, no. No, but you would. I did all the editing because he didn't know how to do it. And I was in there taking out all the ums and hands and then eventually I was like, we have to find someone else to do this. I need more bad days. What was Josh doing? Oh, no, once we got Josh, you would start doing it.

But the first two episodes, the first two episodes. That's so funny. And in a couple of those two episodes. And they were our. And they were our demo episodes to try to sell it to a network. So who else was gonna fucking edit it? We recorded them all my...

Did you have you edit at an episode? No, I should have not. I haven't. Those are... I honestly... Our long episodes. I didn't even know where to begin. What is it?

Garage rock band. That's the one. Yes. That's exactly what this studio uses. Yeah, they use the first software that comes on the map. Rock band. Wait, what?

Rock band. It's rock band? It's garage hip-hop. It's garage hip-hop. Yeah. Now I think you're lying to me. Why would you do that? It's garage R&B solo singer.

But yeah, we recorded like tons of episodes together. And then finally one day he was like, do you want to do an activity? And I was like, oh, no. What was that? I don't remember. I think we went to go see a show. Yeah. But I remember hanging out with you off-mic was awkward in the beginning.

Yeah. Oh. Because we like, don't know you. What would you talk about if you all weren't hanging? We were, so the, our first show, good question. Thank you so much. Come on, journalism. There's slime in the French.

When we first started hanging out, well, so the first bits of the podcast, we had this loose framework of it being a bear podcast. And we basically were trying to interview people and talk about our own experience. as like being gay bears, but not feeling really identified with like gir-woof culture, which is like such a niche thing. Hair bears. Yes, we were like, oh, we're like a way more faggy. Like we're more artsy. We're more like interested in like a queer identity.

We just look like bears. We had you on that podcast, remember? Yes. We recorded in a big, empty warehouse. Yes. With padded walls. And there was a lovely wig man who had made you a wig. who had rosy cheeks

who was also there Oh, Tony Medina Who does Michelle massage is hair on DragRash Yes Bag Brache I can't even speak Dagrache

Yeah, Tony love Tony Yes, so we That's what we would talk about Sort of We talked about ideas We talked about ideas Not about people

And like life experiences And that sort of thing And we were basically like always pushing towards this like Mission statement So it was a lot less Like what did we do

This is what I guess I stopped doing The workload Because I was like I thought we were just there doing ha-ha-hihis. But I guess you had a plan, a mission statement, a thesis. Well. Journalism.

Yeah. That's what we did. Is it? I thought we were doing ha-haz. But yeah, that's how it started. Could be both. Could be both. Sometimes missions have ha-haz.

Exactly. And I actually think that's what most people connect to. I agree. I know you don't like that shit, but I think people do connect to it if it has. a heart. Okay. Enlarged or not? You coming for me because I'm chubby?

No, I'm saying our collective hearts are enlarged. Probably. Are you coming for me because I'm chubby? How many bed days have I had this month? I'm just thinking about my... What is that? Starving. I haven't slept in four days.

Also, no one asked you that question. Shubbing it into your mouth. I'm not doing well. The way that you asked. I'm literally not doing well. Next question, please. Let's go to break. The way that you responded as if someone asked you that.

What are you going to eat later? Chicken tenders. From, oh, from pre-sing Tuesday disco party. Have you had Halenrys? Yes, not a big fan. Of the chicken sandwiches there? Yeah, what's wrong with that? The bread is like always too wet.

Oh, you have to get everything on the side. Well, see, I've never, I shouldn't have to ask for that. They should send it to me unorganized and then I get to put it together. I like my sandwich unorganized. Unassembled. Separate. No, I like unorganized. I also get the St. Louis style.

What's that one? It's on like a, I don't know, a Texas toast and it's really crisped up. That does sound good. It's really nice. Wait, when you guys started the podcast, you had been friends. Did you have a conversation in the early days about what to not talk about publicly? Oh, probably. Or maybe we found it as we were going.

Yeah, I think we found it as we were going. Yeah, we never had like a conversation. Yeah, but we would either like edit in the moment be like, actually let's cut that out or after the fact. Be like, hey, I thought about it. Don't love that. You call Meatball to do your edits. Yes. Like, let me get in there.

Slice and dice. Click-de-click-click. Wait. Yeah, when that stuff comes up, how do you handle it? You're just quick to be like, no, stop or shut it down. Yeah, I'd be like, oh, I didn't like that. Can we take that out? Yeah.

And sometimes it happens in the moment. Yeah. In the beginning, I would also listen to every episode and make sure we didn't say anything that we don't want. Sometimes you just get in a flow state. Yeah. You definitely do. Getting a flow state.

Drag her. Drag her. That's not a bad thing. It's just like, you're in the moment. And then I'll be like, did you want to say that about that person? No. No. But sometimes you do have to call people out.

Like AirBungy Fitness and Burbank. Wow. I hate them. What'd they do to you? Ooh, I love it. This is, I think, the third podcast are told. Bring it up, baby. Fuck you, AirBungy.

Actually, I would love to go. But just the Burbank location. We haven't talked about it. I guess we haven't. Which is strange. Which is strange because it happened with us. We were on hiatus. Oh, that's right.

This is what happened while we were on hiatus. Yeah. We had a whole episode where we couldn't figure out what we had done for six months. We did go to Air Bungee Fitness. This is something we did for one day within the six months. Yes. We did it. So we go and I had clarifying questions because I was bigger than some of the other people in that class.

Yeah. And I was like asking these questions and she was like kind of short with me. And at one point I was like, so are you starting? to feel the tension on the bungee thing when you run backwards and she was like, you just have to do it. You just have to do it. And I was like, okay, then we were doing these like burpee things

and I was like, I'm having trouble like getting up and she goes, okay, well we're all going to do four and you can do less. And I was like... Which is like not even answering the question. That's not even... That doesn't make sense. You just do half of what we do. That's not even what

you're trying to ask. I would expect her to be like, here let's like go through the motion isn't clicking for you. She wasn't a good instructor. She was very, very bad. What's her name? I got to, I wish I could remember. I wish if I could remember, I would tell.

And then at one point, she goes, and that's why it's very important to not lie about your weight and then landed on me. And I was like, write your weight when you check in. So they like, I guess, know what kind of bungee's put on. Yeah. But I was like, like, my mouth was like, wait. was like, oh, is this year? And I went, did that happen? And she was like, yes.

Because you know, sometimes you're like, I made something up in my head. And I was like, are you think that could only be on a TV show? Yes. And I didn't lie about my weight. I gave them 10 extra pounds because I said, I'm not dying in Burbank. Right. No.

And then I was just like, I felt crazy. And then afterwards, I guess the owner, she, have you ever seen Cry Baby? Yes. Oh, the movie Cry Baby. Hatchet face. She looked just like Hatchet face. She did her makeup in the dark. She said, I won't buy shades that compliment anything I was born with.

You won't co-sign that. That's okay. You're a nice girl. No, I agree. Okay, perfect. Then you know the lady was ugly. Busted, honey. And then she goes, did you guys have a good time?

I said, no, I simply did not. I will not be back. And she said, what happened? I said, well, I tried to ask the instructor for adjustments, and she really wouldn't give them to me. And she said, that didn't happen. What? And I said, well, now you're just negating me. my experience and she's like, no, I'm not.

And I was like, now you're being defensive. And she was like, no, I'm not. I'm defending myself. And I was like, well, if you, the root word, you are being defensive. And then Sashir said something, I guess more eloquently. And she went, I understand. And then looked at me and went, I hope that wasn't defensive. And I said, what's wrong with you?

Oh, that's that's not. Oh, they've just all it is. It was nuts. I felt insane. Yeah. Then I ate a muffin and we talked about it. We had to have a muffin. Ducphin decompress moment.

Oh, of course. What kind of muffin? I think I got a chocolate chip muffin. Those are my favorite. Have you had one from Pordoes? No, but I love Porthos. Everything from Porthos. Everything from Porthos.

The little potato balls with the cheese in the middle. The salads at Portos are incredible. I know that is. Get out of here. No, no, no, no. You never touched the salad out of here. I just want to like, basically I'm saying everything is so good that even the salads are no. Oh.

I'm not eating. If you want to be joining you up there, I'm not eating a salad. No, no, no, no. I'm going to get the ham roll. I'm going to get those. Let me unlock this for you. I don't really eat sweets, but poros I'll have a couple little pastures. Their chocolate, I think it's like the Parisian chocolate cake is so good and moist.

That thing is a factory over there. They really. And it's cheap as hell. Yes. Okay. I never ordered, just let me get through the story. I don't like you either. I never ordered delivery food until the pandemic.

I didn't have a... What? I said, let me give it through the food. In Los Angeles, I didn't have like a app for delivery food until the pandemic. I did it. I sure would order pizza, but I would like call the place or whatever. So Portos is where I popped my cherry, like, using U.S. Uber Eats and other things like that.

And I was so gobsmacked at like, oh, they take a service fee and there's a delivery charge. And I want to tip this person and it's a pandemic. So I want to tip them a lot of money. Like all this stuff. And I was like, if I'm ordering delivery, baby, I'm getting the menu. I'm getting breakfast, lunch, dinner, and lunch again tomorrow. And that is how I discovered the salad because I was like, I can't just get 12 sandwiches and three entrees and a whole kitchen soup. There a salad in there.

Yeah. So I was like, this thing. is incredible. Anyways. Meatball shut down. What happened? That was good. Letting him finish.

Good story. So highly recommend the salad. Have you had their turkey sandwich with candied bacon? That sounds really good. The candy bacon's on the salad. Oh. So it's not a real salad.

What are we doing? What are we doing? There's greens on it. There's lettuce and cheese. There's lettuce and cheese. They had a ham sandwich. I had breed and like onions and ham

and like really grainy mustard it was so good and they don't make it anymore oh every time I drive by I'm like maybe one day maybe one day

I didn't ask for it it maybe it's like off menu yeah a lot of times they still have the ingredients at places yes and they can make it for you I'll do that in high school my favorite Jambaju smoothie was off menu

what was it can't remember orchards oasis oh it was like a blueberry sort of asai type teas. And my friend who used to work at Jamba Juice

was like, this one's good, but they took it off the menu, but all the ingredients are still there. I always got the peanut butter one. That's okay. So there's a planet smoothie in... What was it? In Penn Station that had a peanut butter banana smoothie.

Yeah. Or maybe it was just maybe there was no bananas. Maybe it was just chocolate. It was like chocolate and peanut butter, but it was so good. And it was specifically from the Penn Station Planet smoothie. I wonder if it still exists. Probably not. There's a lot that goes on to that station. Yeah, every time I go

back to New York, everything is different. It's crazy. And it'll be like six months apart. And I'll be like, oh, everything's changed in the East Coast. I think Penn Station is now a different name. I don't think that's true. Are you sure? Are you talking about the Amtrak's? You're talking about? Oh, I think I know

what you're talking about. It's like the Monahan. Monaghan. Yes. Yes. That's for Amtrak, though. You go underneath, but Penn Station still does. They're also You can walk underground in New York City for miles. Yeah, some people live under there. The rats and the mole people. Have you ever seen the documentary about the mole people?

No, I've never. There's a documentary about the mole people? Don't they just live in like the old subway stations that are unused? Yeah, and they haven't seen the light of day. Wow. Have children been born down there? Yes. Probably.

And their eyes are probably so adjusted to the dark. They're like rats. That's why they're called mole people. Google it. That's journalism. Google mole people. The news. The news.

Bipi, be, beep, beep, beep, beep. Oh, my God. Imagine, okay, have you guys seen the movie Blast from the past? Yes. No. A mole person coming up would be like blast from the past. Yes. Is that with?

Brendan Frazier. And he's also. And Alicia Silverstone. And he comes, no, not caveman. No. He was kept underground in a bunker with his parents. Because his daddy, Christopher Walkin and his mommy, Sissy Space Act, thought that the Cold War was going to have a meteor or something or a big bomb that was going to take out their,

So he built a bunker underneath the house. And then an airplane crashed into their house, and they thought it was like a bomb or whatever from the war. So they went downstairs into the bunker underground, and then they stayed there because the locks were for, I think, 30 years. And then after 30 years, they went up. And he comes out and America exists like normal. Oh wow.

Like normal. And he sees a black male lady, and he goes, oh, my lucky star is a Negro. And I still think it's really funny. Wow, nobody laughed. We should take a break. We should take a break. Hey, we'll be right back after this break.

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belonged to something greater certified to operate by Shev. We're back. Yay! We had a bunch of things to ask you. Go for it. Should we play besting each other?

Yeah. Uh-oh. She plays that every day. What's this game? It's called besting each other where we ask best friends in the group about the other best friend. first up

we keep going first up well no say your joke we'd have to get a best friend in here for me oh my goodness

boom you don't really don't like it when I'm mean to be different we love friendship every time every time y'all have both been on the podcast

separately or something I'll say something and you're like do you guys really talk to you like if you'll leave the room and be like wait you don't actually

speak to each other like that and I was like yeah we do our friend yeah I'm mean to that Here's the thing. I love friendship.

I watched Shawshank Redemption last night and cried at the end. I've seen it. It's a good film. So many times. I texted Nicole after watching the John Wick documentary and I was like, it's all about friendship.

Didn't know. I thought it was all about guns. No, it's about friendship. But it's about friendship. But it's also about friendship. But it's the root of the movie. Wait. The documentary is about the films? Are you calling John Wick

a documentary? Sorry, I just don't know. You know the four-part document is following this. The documentary is about the production of John Wick. Yes, where Eva Longoria stepped in and saved the movie. She financed the first John Wick movie. She did. Just because?

I guess. Well, she was like living to invest in something. And then this came up. And Keanu was like, invest in me. He didn't know that. He was a good Keanu. Thank you. Put it on an audition tape.

Get on us and now. I've only auditioned, I think, maybe three times in my life. You go on auditions a lot. Yeah, I do a lot of auditions. I bomb them hard. If I'm going to bomb, baby, we're going down burning. I'm trying to get them laughing. Nothing.

Well, they don't laugh in the room and leave your guns at home. Leave your guns. No, the last time I auditioned for something like, legit I was auditioning for like a little bit part on shrill when that was happening and it was like to be a cabaret

performer and they wanted someone to like sing a song sort of poignantly but then our friend Lauren was like no do what you do well that's why they asked you to do it I had a friend and Lauren was leading you astray yeah I had a friend in the writer's room and

they were like do what you do well Or she was like, they wouldn't have asked you to audition if they didn't want you to be what you are. So I then, like, wrapped the song and stripped while I did it, which is what I do at my live shows. How naked did you get in the strip? I was wearing a speedo and a t-shirt and overall. So I was able to unclip the overalls and they could drop.

And then I, like, pulled the shirt off and then I was in a speedo, which I was like, is inappropriate in an audition room? What was the song about? It was a Beach Boys. cover. So it was about love and friendship and the sunset on the beach. I love that. But you were rapping it. Yes.

And taking off your overall. Your adult overalls. The thing that I didn't, they were shorts. And the thing that I didn't, so they were baby shaped but adult size. The thing that I didn't take into account is they had me loved up because they were filming it.

So when I took the overalls off the lov wire sort of went everywhere and then I kicked them off and the mic pack flew like neck almost hitting the guy who was like running the audition it was a disaster i love it and you booked it nope i love that story okay let were you embarrassed at all do you get embarrassed mortified oh okay anxious embarrassed mortified all those things happen to me all the time i get embarrassed i feel like you don't get embarrassed well you don't do anything embarrassed No, you're so, like, self-assured.

Thank you so much. Hmm, do I get embarrassed? The fact that you even ask this question? If you have to think about it, shut up. Yeah, you don't think you do anything embarrassing. Yeah, I do get anxious, for sure. Like, oh, did I say something that I shouldn't have said, or, I don't know, was that stupid? But not, like, I don't, yeah, I guess I'm not doing things I consider embarrassing.

I do shit, like, I embarrass myself every day. One time I got booked to do a birthday party. No, it was a college gig, and they gave me the address. And so I parked down the street, and I'm walking over there, and I see a house with balloons. So I go, this must be it. And I walk in, and it's a children's birthday party. And I was like, these college kids are young.

And so I turned to the mom, and I just go, okay, where do I set up? And she was like, you're not supposed to be here. And I walked out, and I walked out like two more doors, and it was like, all these kids throwing her age during drinking in a backyard. I was like, oh, this is where I'm supposed to be. How in drag were you? Like, I was...

At least you were in complete drag. If you were in half drag, that would be way... No, it's even worse sometimes because I'll show up in just like, like, boy clothes, but my body on and full makeup of no wig. This time, I, like, glued my wig on in the car because I was like, I don't know what the situation is going to be. So I was in full drag.

That's funny. That's funny. I went to a party on Saturday, and I was wearing leopard print overalls, and I was walking down sunset, and there was a group of girls in leopard print, but I didn't clock them. and this girl looked at me and she was like,

here for the party. And I was like, oh, yeah, Jess's party. And she went, no, we're all wearing leopard print. I was like, well, I guess I'm the idiot. And I was so embarrassed for like, for an hour or two. I was like, why did I think, I don't know her. Why did I think she knew Jess anyway? You could have got God.

It's that easy. Pop, pop, pop, pot. Wow, Sishier, you've been waiting to say that. What do you mean? Because I said that you would get God real easy. when you followed that man that one time. But that's not why I said that. I just said that because she said here for the party.

You were like, yeah, you're going to go with her. See, I thought you were hiding it in your heart and you were waiting for a moment to say. I didn't even remember what you just said. That moment you just said. Remember that man said, looking good, wants some breakfast? Now I would follow.

Now, wait a minute. I would follow anybody. Candy bacon involved. Looking good. Want some breakfast? Was the breakfast? What was the breakfast? Where was there?

Potato balls. We were going to a meeting and there was like breakfast for the staff. Well, that's why you're both going to get gone. Okay. Breakfast. Okay. First question. That would work on me.

Down. Let's skip that one. Insert any meal. It would work on me. What's your favorite memory of traveling together? So you write it on your board and then we're going to reveal and see how close you are to each other. Ooh. I write really slow.

Dipper. Yes. Let's see what you wrote. I wrote a costing silky nutmeg ganache in the Delta Lounge in Atlanta. I forgot I did that. In which we pulled out our recorder and made her do an impromptu interview on our podcast. That's really funny. Now I would never do that.

Really? I would do it. At that moment, I was like, is that silky nutmeg ganache in the fucking Delta Lounge? Let's get her, girl. And I like ran up. Let's get her. Yeah, we sat down with our plate of cheeses and, And she like didn't know who we were, but she like went with it.

That's not true. I don't think she knew who we were. That's really funny. Well, I put strippers in Atlanta. Oh, yeah. I saw some of the oldest titties I've ever seen in my life in Atlanta. Seventy-year-old stripper just legs spread, grabbing her nippies like this and shaking them. Torpedo titties.

Oh, that's fun. But yeah, both Atlanta, same trip. It was the same trip. Was that the most fun trip we've had? I didn't think we had fun in New York. I think Tokyo was great. Oh, Tokyo was actually. amazing. Was it all business stuff

or fun? All business. We don't ever have to have fun. We're not going to the Bahamas and having a good time like in two years. Wow. Also it's because he's always busy and if I were to be like let's go to Palm Springs for the weekend he'd be like I can't. Or like when we were in Tokyo

when we had a full week and I had to spend every morning alone because he was like I have to work. No no. And he was clickety clackety clackety on his laprope all goddamn day. And I was out here going well I guess I'm gonna try the local fare. Let me get on the train and ride around Tokyo alone. Oh, so you're mad?

You had a solo beautiful experience in Japan? See how he turns it on me too? To make it seem like it's my problem? I would wake up. Did you see Lost in Translation? Yeah, incredible. Never seen it. Scarjo.

You were Scarjo. Lonely, sad, waiting for your husband. Tim Burton. Wait, who's the other man in that movie? It was Bill Murray. Bill Murray. Yeah, you're giving very Bill Murray. A director.

You would text me. I would text you at like 10.30 in the morning and be like, good morning. What should we do about breakfast? And you've been like, I've been up. I had three meals. I took 10 walks. Like you, you. I took 10 walks.

The crazy thing is, though. You would be up until 3 in the morning. You would sleep for no time. I would get up and I'd be like, I'm in Japan. Sleep is for losers. I'm older than you. And then also everything in Japan doesn't really open until 11. So I was like really tough.

Wait, really? That's why she took 10 walks. Japan is going to be for me. Things are open until 11? Yeah. Oh, I love that. And then the clubs are open until 5 a.m. Wow.

That's fine. And so. Why isn't it like that everywhere? Why do we close so early here and start so early here? I don't know. Veganism. Huh? Journalism.

The health vibe. I think the people want to be healthy here in California. Last time I was in New York, they want to take sunrise. Correct. Yeah. Correct. I used to tell right.

when this city was open until two. Correct. You can walk around anywhere. Not till two, I'd be out till like five. The church. Oh, yes, yes. Like, if I was in the club and I was like, time for a snack.

Yes, you could go get a snack. I was like, there's something to do, yeah. I blame the church. I think I blame COVID. I was gonna say it, I think it's COVID. Because they were like, we gotta close early so the virus doesn't come out at midnight. I don't know.

Don't worry, we're gonna put restaurants on the streets. We wanna be closer to the rats. Do you remember? They were like, it's ala frusca. And I was like, what a pretty name for eating in the fucking street. In the sewage smell. The garbage. Not for me.

Okay. What is your favorite thing about each other? I like the little smiles as you guys, right? I can't tell if that's because it's a genuine, nice thing. Or they say something real mean. Again, dipper's done first. Yes. She said she writes slow.

Mine is that meatball is funny. Oh, I like that. Oh, you erase something. What was, oh, I was it just from her before. What? It was like a lot of erase marks and I was like, what was it first? Wow, funny looking. Oh, I didn't see it.

That's funny. No, that's a joke. That's a joke. Where's the little spinner on the top of your hat? I asked you, hat with a brim? Hat without a brim. I said hat without a brim. Yeah, because she's praying on my downfall.

Hey, that's not a backwards hat? No, just no brim. No brim. I like it. Doesn't look great on them? Yes, this is it. So genuine and nice. I told you to put it on because it looked better than the hat with a brim. Okay, well, there it is.

Thank you. No, meatball is funny all the time. No matter what, always can make people laugh, good in every situation. I do, not to make it serious. Never mind, keep going. Do it. No, do it. I was just going to say I get in my head a lot.

I have a lot of anxiety, whether I think to call it that or not. My brain drifts a lot because I'm managing so many projects in my head. And so sometimes we'll be like trying to like represent ourselves or like be ingratiating to like a venue where we want to do a show or like pitch a party or do something. And like sometimes I get really weird or awkward. And me, Paul is always there to be funny. Oh yeah, I do do all the talking when we're at those things. It's very charming. That's great.

I love that. I wrote that he does all the work and the planning, and he answers my emails. And that's important. That is important. That's so nice. Without him, I don't think I'd be getting like half the opportunities that I've gotten

because I'm too lazy or don't want to plan things. Or sometimes they'll email her on a bed day. Yeah, don't be a bed day and I'll be like, I'm not doing this. Or they'll email him and be like, hey, how can we get in contact with me fall? And he's like, just tell me what you need. And so instead of like a long email that I have to read with details, he'll just be like, this is the date, this is what they want,

do you want to do it? And I'm like, yeah, okay. So it's easier that way. That's a good balance. That is nice. So she reads all emails. I do. That's crazy business.

I like it. I do, do. See, I like the front-facing thing. I like getting there and then doing it with the people. Same. I hate all the planning that goes into it. And that's it. I agree.

But you also get mad when things don't go the way you want them. Same. So the planning has to happen. So having a paramoor who can do that for you is helpful. Why would you use a word like that? I know paramour is a band. What do you mean by that? I was trying to impress this year.

Wake me up and save me! Okay. Amy Joe, that's her name? No, that's Evan essence. Yeah. Paramore is Helene. Are they saying Evan essence's song? song.

Haley Joel Osmond. Yes, Haley Joel Osmond. If you could guess, what is each other's favorite thing about you? Oh. Like Dipper, what do you think Meatball's favorite thing is about you? Meatball, what do you think Dipper's favorite thing is about you? It's a brain cruncher. Oh, yeah.

It's good. Thank you. Wake me up. That's, it's my favorite karaoke song to do with you. So hard to do. Yeah. You know what's funny? Tell me.

In learning how to sing, when you hit the notes, it's so satisfying. Very. Okay. You're taking voice lessons? Yes. Is she going to be a songstress? You're going to Broadway!

I'm trying. I'm genuinely trying to learn how to sing because I do want to be on Broadway. That's amazing. I see it for you. Yeah, I see it too. And I think that you are a good singer. I think you just don't trust yourself. I don't.

and I have a hard time hearing the notes. You should ask them for an end year then when you're on that. Yeah, a little wireless transmitter where they plunk your melody right here. You know how you sound awesome when you're singing along with someone who's singing the melody? But when you're left to your own devices, you're not singing the melody. They can help you out. Interesting. They can tell you what to sing.

Oh. Also, my issue is staying on key. It's hard. Like the do-do-do-do-do-do-do-d. It's hard. Anyway. I call it riffs. What did Willem say?

It was like something about like me trying to find a note. I can't remember. But I cannot find it for the life of me. It's tough. Sometimes you're looking and it's never to be found. What's your answer? I said he likes that I'm always on time and willing to work and I definitely answer phone calls. The first two.

Because I'll show up and I'll be in a mood. But the minute it's time to start working and girl, I'll do the work. I will do the work And I with a smile on my face And the idea of ribs in my mind I wrote Dependable Question mark

Money But then I also wrote money Because sometimes you have expensive taste You don't necessarily Have a lot of people in your life Who can join you on those things That's true But I will do those things with you

I love my rich friend Which feels crazy to say that crazy thing to say out of that. Because... Wait, what are some of the expensive things that you're doing? I love to just do like little trips or something. Or like, when we went to Tokyo,

I was like, I want to stay an extra four or five days. Will you do that? And he was like, yeah, I can afford that. Yeah. Or like some things that... Some shows that we want to go see... Yeah, it does feel crazy. We're talking about like, oh, we can be like, Beyonce, let's go spend money on Beyonce.

Hey, we want to see a show in New York. Let's buy a ticket and stay in a hotel and do that. And I will only say... Or yeah, let's go to Vegas for a weekend and film some stuff. And, like, we'll budget it so that we're paying for all of it. The reason we can do it is because of the podcast. Of the podcast. So that felt a little gauche to say it like that, but we're a part of each other's success.

And now I'm trying to convince him to buy a house out in Palm Springs with me so we can be neighbors. I like that. Do it. Why we don't vacation together socially too much is because we both do a lot of sex on our vacation. Oh, we'd be fucking. And so we don't want to do that I don't want to see that We one time did an event together

Oh, it was a naked event It was a nude event So everyone in the swimming pool was nude I was in full drag And I was in a thong And we were interviewing a porn star naked And so it was just like very funny Because then at the end of it I was like

I got out of drag immediately and I was like If I see you in the dark rooms it's over And I just went and closed the door He went to bed That was out until 3 a. And we were having a planning meet. We were at a nude, a clothing optional gay hotel. With grounds you can sort of like walk around and everyone kind of leaves their door open, swang in.

And we were having like a pre-show check-in where we were deciding what we're going to do. And we're sitting on the bed. Meatball's like laying out on the bed. Eat the pile of reds. And we're sitting there talking. and this very hot guy that sort of catches my eye through the door and strolls up

and he's naked like with his dick out and he's like what's going on and I was like oh we're having a meeting did I like invite him in yes because he like came towards and then you were the reveal or like he didn't see me

and then he saw me and I go come on it and she's like hello oh yeah nice Hello. How are you? What's your name?

What are you doing? How long are you staying for? And Dipper was like, what are you doing? I was like, let's finish our meeting. Maybe you can leave and I can, you know, hang out with this man. But it was also like, I guess we're just having a meeting in front of a naked guy. It was pretty wild. It's good to have boundaries.

Oh, about not doing. About not like you don't vacation together because you all want to fuck. Yeah. But also, I think, I think having friends with the same. monetary means is an important conversation that nobody really talks about. Because for whatever reason in this culture, it's like, it's rude to talk about money, but it's like, no, it's not. Can you afford to go on this trip?

Don't front like you can. Yes. And how shitty would it be if you can't afford it and you push yourself to do it and then you're miserable or in debt or like whatever. Or the whole time you're like, I actually can't afford to do that. So I'm just going to stay at the resort. Yeah. So you're not enjoying it together.

I wanted you to come with me. I'll pay for you. And then they're like, no, don't. Because that happened to me once where I, like, literally was just paying for someone to be on vacation with me. Oh, it sucks. Yes. Well, it didn't suck, but it was just kind of like they kept on feeling bad about it. Yes.

Or you're like, had I known. If I offer, it is fine. I wouldn't have offered if I didn't want to do this. But, yeah, I think it's important to talk about it. Yeah, so get out there and only be friends with people who make the exact same amount of money as you. Yep, when you accept your friendship applications, get those tax returns. Yeah, show me your bank account. First date.

See, she's not even embarrassed for whatever that was that you just said. She really doesn't get embarrassed. So she was really encouraging sometimes. It's cool. And if I say something too wild, she'll go, and what do you think that meant? There was something very kind. Although, I'll tell you later. No, do it now.

Love when that happens on a podcast. Is it about me? Oh no, she's gonna cry. She's starting to cry, it's happening. Yes, she loves you so much. She set herself up. Oh, Nicole. I can't tell what direction it's gonna go.

Sad. I'm laughing. Okay, do you remember, okay, we were in a pitch, and we were, like, riffing on something, and I said, I guess this bee has one more strict than you. That really, I didn't understand that. No, and you just leaned back and went, what? So hard because usually I just accept it. I'm like, okay.

Usually you try to understand or accept it, but you literally lean back and went, what? I don't understand this. In a bitch meeting? Yeah. Does the number of stripes on a bee mean anything? Yeah, the more stripes you have, the better you are. That was my thought process.

No, that's your meaning. But why about in nature? Like, in the world at large, no. Oh, okay, work. No, I had made something wild up. And I was so proud of myself. And she leaned back and say, what? Because I think sometimes you'll say something that, like, it feels like it could be a non-sequitur.

But I can't, because we've been around each other for so long, I can kind of see the math that happened to get there. But this was a rare moment where I was like, I don't even know where this came from, what you could be trying to say. It worked, though. They laughed. I think they just really like the dynamic. What? She leaned away. I was like, no.

I'm not going on that journey with you, babe. Do a different thing. Say something else, say something else, I want something else, turn the wig around. But it is wild when I can stump you or confuse you because it happens so infrequently and when it does, it's real big. It's really funny.

Full of surprises. Okay. Of the two of you, who do you think would do better in the long-running CBS television series Survivor? Ooh Neep ball? I said me Oh why

I'm an Eagle Scout And I've been camping before I know how to start a fire And shoot a gun Wow wow wow Because you know notoriously on Survivor They give you a gun I don't know

You get to like a house Do you? Can you really? I wonder if anyone's brought a gun No probably not But I feel like I know how to fish I'll show you survivors Everyone else's gone It's so funny

It's like what did you bring from? Oh my gun My gun It's really funny And I know how to forage for food And what to eat and what not to eat You know how to forage for food Eagle Scout

I know what food is edible I don't how to Okay Forage through a pantry for food Like a little bear I wrote neither Oh no You don't believe in me

No I do know you're an Eagle Scout But, like, you know you can't do a bed day on Survivor. Frankly, I think you can hybrid. I think a lot of them do it. There's a lot of hours where you're just doing nothing. They really do a bed day. Yeah, they have no energy because they're, like, not eating any food or anything. So most of the show is, like, literally two hours of their day.

We would have a leg up. Because I got a lot of fat, but I got stored up. That's right. To burn off. Like a cat. Burn it out. That's why I think Richard Hatch did so well back in season one. Wasn't he also villainous?

Yes, he was awful. He would make everyone do all the work. taxes. Isn't that crazy? That's a crazy amount of money not to pay taxes on. A million dollars? I wouldn't want to. I wouldn't want to either because you're going to walk away with what? Like $650,000, $700,000?

Taxes are really expensive. Yeah. I know that's true. I don't know. Do you not pay your taxes? I do. I do. I do. I do. But someone does all the filing for me. I don't do them, no. Last question. Last question.

What do you hope you're both doing 20 years from now? Oh, I know the answer to this one. The year is 2045. That's crazy. Yeah, it's crazy. What do you think is gonna happen in 2045? Well, just be in Waymo's... Will we be here?

Huh? Yeah. Will the world be here? Oh. Well, the country be here? Oh. Oh. Oh.

I know, can I... When you turn it around, can I say what it is? Can I say what it is without looking? Yeah. Ooh, that's fun. That's fine. Ready? Uh-huh.

Dead! Was that right? Yeah, the animation point. Dead! And yeah, you did it with the exclamation point. Dipper, what's yours? Meatball, do you think you know? Also, Maple, how do you think you're gonna die?

Probably motorcycle accident or something. Cocaine binge? No, I don't do drugs anymore. I don't know. You would binge on that one night and then get on a motorcycle. Oh, my gosh. just drive into the sunset. I don't...

Oh, what would Dippers be? Probably, like, producing a TV show or something. Sure. I wrote, owning a big gay business. Yeah. It's still friends. I like that. Or mourning, my friend.

Like, looking up videos on YouTube from when we were alive. We really did want to open up, like, a gay resort together. I think that we would be very good at that. We talked about this numerous times. You wanted to make it a sex. It should have a sex club option. If it is a gay resort. I think it should be like a hotel where you can like stay.

I think we could still do it. And yeah, I want to. And all the bungee cords would. I think it's possible. And the bungee cords would would hold all weights. That's right. But you know what? I hate events where it's like weight, weight limits.

I don't like it. I understand why because I one time went into one of those, um, what is it? Zipline? No, it's like a room where they try to make you feel like. Fake skydiving. Oh, yeah. And there's a 250 pound weight limit. And so I was like right at it.

And now I understand why, because I was barely floating. And I was also so hung over that I did shit my pants in their jumpsuit. It all comes back to the- And that's why there's a weight limit. They're like, we don't want another fatty shitting in this. You don't want no fatty shitting all over the place. That's your nickname. We went to Mexico and there was a zip line.

And I was like, what's the weight limit? And the man looked at me, he went, I think you'll be fine I was like well I'm not doing it I'm not doing it and then a very big man got stuck halfway there and I think if you like composite our bodies together we probably weighed the same and they helped him but they laughed at him

before helping him and I was like I'm glad they help you when you're stuck in the middle of a zip on someone comes towards you like oh and then they hook you and they hook you and then they bring you back it was humiliating I saw someone get stuck on the one in Las Vegas on that strip and you like fly over Fremont Street or whatever.

But they are smart enough to have it like linked up to like a string already. So the person got stuck and they just like wheeled. But I was with a friend and he really wanted to do it and I was like I cannot promise you that I will do that. What about this one in the jungle that like look like they're Oh you're just like a hundred feet up? 300 yards long.

I've done one of those. It was cool. And you're on it for what, five minutes? It was maybe more. It was like a really long time. It was just trees. It was scary though because it is like your like your completely horizontal like Superman pose kind of.

And you're just like head first and I was like I love that my head's the first thing going down. Oohie, that's scary. And like how do you slow it down? For that one you don't. You were like it was like a kind of like a little pocket and then you like lay face down like you would on a bed. And then they put like sandbags on top of you. like little weights to like secure you. I need to be strapped, buckled,

belted, double strapped to something else. Yeah. I mean, we were strapped in too, but just like I couldn't like take an arm out and like grab anything. Oh, that's good though. Yeah, I was just like truly like a burrito. That would make me so like so claustrophobic, so crazy.

Yeah. There's weight limits on trampolines and I don't think that's necessary. Have you ever seen someone go right through? No. Wait, yes, I have seen. But usually like an outdoor one that's like probably dry rotted. Yeah. But like I've never seen anyone go through a trampoline like in a place.

I like one of those jump parts. Yeah. It's because like once they bounce on it. They have velocity. Oh. Oh, maybe. Because they're only so high off the ground. Like a weight limit.

Oh. Okay, maybe. And then some. I'm a dentist. Yeah. Oh, DDS. Sometimes poll studios, that's a dentist. Oh.

They know science. Sometimes pole studios will have a weight limit and there shouldn't be. Because it should be secure for everybody. Yeah, and it's, because if it's not secure for, say, a 600-pound person, that means it's not secure for a 50-pound person. Because it's like the velocity of the spinning around the pole, which is what would take a poll out.

Isn't that interesting? That is interesting. Yeah. Also a scientist. I know precincts put a poll up, and they have a poll up. It bolted into the ceiling, so there's like no chance of anyone's going. Yeah, that truly means any weight can get on that. Because if you are 600 pounds, you're not gonna be able to spin around.

Okay. That's right. So I can get on the pole. Yeah, you can get on it. The morning, no. Go down to Chicken Tending Tuesdays and pop that thing. Pop that pussy on the pole, baby. Well, you two silly billies.

No, you too silly billy. We've reached the end. Yeah, I gotta drive that. to San Diego. I gotta go get in drag. Is there anything you want to plug? Yeah. This.

Okay. This is... Yeah, we are... Podcasts that we do together is called Sloppy Seconds, and we just launched a new YouTube channel. So you can find all our new YouTube content

at YouTube.com slash at Sloppy Second Show. And don't let that double S confuse you. It's in there. YouTube now has the I didn't know that either. I didn't know. I didn't either. And neither did our audience. I keep on being like, it doesn't exist. And I'm like, there are thousands of people subscribe. Wait, if you just like put it in the search, it doesn't just pop up. No, you have to use the app now. For the brand new channel. Okay. But anyway. It's brand new. That's why. And then you can catch me every third Friday at precinct for my show Fat Slut. Also, keep an eye on my Instagram because I travel the party and it goes places. And it's a very fun party. It's a good time.

Yeah, it's a great time. And I also host an adult sexual escapade. It's a sex party. It's a fuck party, bitch. ...cathering called Drain Your Nut. So if that is of interest to you, check that out. And you'll never see me working it. And you'll never see me working it either.

He won't let me go. He won't let me work it. Well, it's got to separate it. Thank you. Who's the side are you on? The truth. The truth. I'm sewn on the side of the truth.

Journalists. News. This is the news. And thank you for tuning in today. Before we leave, do either of you have something you want to leave listeners and viewers with about friendship? Oh. Something I've never asked anyone before. Yeah.

Hey, sometimes friendships go up and down on a rocky road. Which one's my camera? And you have to nurture them. And sometimes nurturing them means not answering phone calls for a few days. And then the next time you see each other, it's like, you're brand new friends again. So ignore your friends until you want to. I love it. That's my message.

I think that friendship is way more important than a lot of us give it, like, credit or thought to. You know, like, it's easy to take your friends for granted, especially if you're, like, a social or bubbly person. We are constantly doing events or personalities, so we're, like, surrounded by people. But remember that really sad birthday party I had? Mm-hmm. I was there, though, as a friend. And how many people were there? About four.

Yes. And I think you commented, and you were like, is that a party? There was some relation to Nicole, right? This is awful. Yeah. Constantly are like, do you remember when you did that awful thing? And I'm like, no. Well, okay, this is going to sound even worse.

Which sad birthday party are you talking about? Was it? The other one was. The thing is... There was one that was public and there was one that was bride. I'm talking about the private one. It was two different years. Oh, okay.

I know the private one. That was a nice one. Yes. So it was like four people and we had a nice dinner. And like, you know, just when you- There was five other, there was six of us. Don't sell yourself. Okay.

When you see the people on the Instagram having the huge, whatever, pool party and the hundred friends and the whatever, whatever, don't let that make you think that your four or five close friends. are less valuable than the person. I would say, yeah. You know what I mean? I think three or four actually close friends

that know you is better than having like 30 friends that barely care about. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, definitely. So I value my close relationships, and it takes a lot to get in the inner sanctum. I like that. Of sorrows.

You really think my life is sad. No, I don't think your life is sad. I think your life is sad. Oh my god. You have a wonderful life. She's excited because I have a new therapist and he's mean to me. Yeah, baby.

Wait, what do you mean mean to his place? What do you mean to you? Let him have. He's just saying things I've been saying for years to him. Is it just meatball? No. No way.

Me in a disguise. You're like, I have to go meet with my therapist and I'm like, oh, I gotta go. I gotta go, I gotta go. This very Mrs. Dowdfire. Well, thank you so much for coming. Thanks for having us. What a wonderful afternoon.

Yeah. And we will go do an activity soon. We have to. I've already forgotten what we decided it would be. Whale watching? Whale watching. I just want you all to know. Meepal said it's like Mrs. Doubtfire.

So she was like, thank you for being here and I just went, hello. Oh, hello. Whale watching and I'll bring the gun. Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, I want that flubber. No. Wait, is Flubber what they have? Flubber is the movie.

That's the green stuff. They have blubber. Blubber. It's also a Robin Williams movie, right? It is. And how about Pierce Brosnan and Mrs. Outfire? Ooh. A drive by fruiting.

A drive by fruiting. He was so hairy in that. He was very hairy. All right. Bye. That was a hate gum podcast.