Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - The Nicest Dick I've Ever Seen (w/ Naomi Smalls)

Episode Date: December 10, 2021

The holidays are here! As a gift, we're releasing the livestreamed episodes from behind the paywall!  On today's episode, drag queen Naomi Smalls (RuPaul's Drag Race S8, All-Stars S4) joins Nicole to talk about her experience being a sheep farmer, how she navigated backlash from the Drag Race fandom, and the nicest dicks they've ever seen.  Plus, Naomi and Nicole answer your questions about the best food to eat before and after sex, their most awkward hookup stories, and the weirdest place they've boinked. Originally recorded November 11th 2020. We're putting together a Fan Favs episode list! Vote for your favorite pod episodes at teamcoco.com/datemevote For more drag queen interviews, check out our episode playlist on Spotify: bit.ly/wwydmdrag Watch Nicole's new Netflix special  BBW (Big Beautiful Weirdo) Black Lives Matter. Click here for a list of over 100 different ways you can support racial justice.   Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerNew Merch Store! podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746 

Ho, ho, ho! The holidays are upon us! As a gift to you listeners, until the end of the year, I'm releasing my special Ticketed Livestream episodes from behind the paywall! Paywall! The first episode is with drag queen superstar Naomi Smalls! It was originally recorded November 11th, 2020, and it's an extra special, long, juicy episode for your ears. Hey, just a head up, heads up,

my audio's gonna sound a little different i forgot to hit record on the on my end hey it was early in the pandemic we were still figuring things out okay i promise you the rest of the live episodes would sound much better because i did better i was a good person anyway super fun episode we swapped dick stories now he talks about being a sheep farmer. She's a real treat. Also, last but not least, Team Coco is putting together a fan favorite episode list and we need your input on what to include. Okay, please vote for your favorite episodes at teamcoco.com slash date me vote. That's teamcoco.com backslash date me vote or find the link in the episode description. Without further ado, here's my episode with Naomi Smalls. Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why. Okay, you guys, this is the future. Corona has taken away, you know, fun things like going to

see shows and stuff like that so now we're doing stuff online so this is why won't you date me live streaming online it's insane to not have audience feedback real quick before i bring in uh my special guest i'm really excited i grew these cherry tomatoes she's a fucking farmer okay it is so wild to not have an audience because to me, that was like super funny. And like, it would have felt good to have people be like, ha ha ha, we loved it, Nicole. Anyway. Okay. So my guest, I'm so excited to introduce her. You've seen her on RuPaul's Drag Race. You've seen her on RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars. You've seen her on RuPaul's Drag Race, that Vegas You've seen her on RuPaul's Drag Race, uh, that Vegas

show? Mmm, I should have looked up what it was actually called. Okay, it's Naomi Samal! Hi, Nicole. I love your cherry tomatoes. Thank you so much for having me. Thank you

for loving them. They are shaped like a little straight, like like they kind of look like titties i thought they were like rubby rubber duckies at first when you held them up or like they're like little um the construction workers to wear them to protect their ears or like you know security guards oh are those just don't know the word earplugs just earplugs right yeah yeah well they're not earplugs they are allegedly cherry tomatoes uh and then allegedly if i just like lay them in the windowsill the sun will ripen them i think science is crazy these days. It's absolutely bonkers, Naomi. Do you farm at all? I used to farm when I was a kid, actually. I used to like raise sheep and like goats and pigs when

I was like in sixth, seventh grade. But now I can't keep, I can't keep a plant alive in my apartment. I can order flowers, I can get some some flowers but I cannot like water a palm the best part about your answer is I was expecting you to be like yes I've grown a tomato once or twice and you were like yes I was a sheep herder I know I love to talk about it too like any chance I get I'm like I used to raise sheep wait were you like what please tell me more I know this podcast is about dating but like I gotta know about these sheep what do you mean you were a sheep farmer okay so in like sixth seventh grade I used to go to like middle school on a farm and I got really into being friends with this girl named Nicole Birch. She was so cool. She had a snatched pony. She had a great name.

And she was really into sheep. And I was like, okay, I'm going to hang out with you. I'm going to get into sheep too. And I fell in love with agriculture at a very young age. And my mom was fully down for it. Yeah, that was a really great two years

of my life. I love that story. I have a similar one, except it has nothing to do with sheep. But in, I guess it was 10th grade, I met this kid, John Mason, who's still one of my best friends in the whole wide world. And he was wearing Air Force Ones. And I was like, ooh, those are cute. And he was like, you know, they come in limited edition colors. And I was like, what?

So then I started collecting Air Force Ones. It's not a similar story at all. They're made out of leather. So it's like, you know, livestock. There we go. So, Naomi, truly, thank you so much for doing this. You are so fucking beautiful and, like, funny. And that's not fair.

Thank you. Oh, my gosh. I that's not fair. Thank you. Oh my gosh. I feel like not many people are hip to the funny thing. Cause I necessarily don't really think I'm that funny either. So I appreciate it. And I love that. You don't think you're funny? Well,

I think I'm funny. Cause I laugh at myself all the time, but like our audience is like in 2020 and just life in general like everyone just takes everything so differently so you never really know so um but we have such similar friends like meatball honestly if anyone stands meatball i stand them so like meatball i'm i just messaged her i was like are you sick of my like uh dms and whatnot because i'm trying to make you my new best friend she was like girl no diva it's okay i was like perfect because you're of my DMs and whatnot? Because I'm trying to make you my new best friend. She was like, girl, no, Diva, it's okay. And I was like, perfect, because you're not going to get rid of me.

I love her so much. And she told me the funniest story about you sending a wig to her in an Uber. And she thought you were inside. She was like, Diva, oh, it's just the wig. That made me laugh so fucking hard. That is how I do living in LA with no car. And I mean, who's trying to like take Ubers these days anyway? But like, if I'm going to like, if I promised you a wig, I'm going to get you the wig.

It's just going to be like, you know, going to be a carrier service. I absolutely love it. It made me laugh. But honestly, why don't you have a car? I know. Okay. So when I was younger also, this is after the sheep phase, I was such a bad driver. I couldn't even tell you. From 18 to 21,

totaled four cars. I was like, this is not my time. This is not my hobby. This is not my skill. I just need to take it as a red flag for everybody else's safety. Wait, you totaled four cars? Yeah. From, yeah.

Was it your fault each time? Every single one of them was my fault. Every single one. I dated a dude who was in like four car accidents. I wonder if you hit him every time. Because he doesn't have a car either. And he was like, I don't want to drive because it scares me.

I think you terrorized this man that I dated. And then I terrorized him. And then we stopped dating. Were you dating a freeway center divider? Imagine I was like, yeah, times got really tough and I truly just get on the 405 and like fucking rub my pussy on this divider. He's resourceful.

We love a man with a motive. He gets us from one place to the other. I'm trying to be resourceful, but truly, I think you're so funny. You, I won't say who you described as hokey, but hokey is a perfect word to describe that person. And I don't mean it in a shady way because I love that person. I think they're very funny as well.

But like, I was like, hokey, that's a word you don't hear. And it's kind of perfect. Oh, maybe I'm just an old soul. I've been told many times that like my vocabulary is very like, you are a 60 year old man like proof is in the pudding is probably like my favorite saying of all time I don't know why I just like catch myself talking about anything in the world I'm like you know the proof is in the pudding see that to me is very funny I truly think people who use different phrases to describe

shit like that to me is perfect because it means you're like unique you don't like lit or like you know fleek what do kids even say these days they're like dancing with the tiktoks now i honestly don't know what the kids are saying these days but i've started saying sick a lot like when people are like is that okay i'm like it's sick and people will like look at me twice and i'm, why can't I say things are sick? I want to. It's funny to me. I feel that way about the C word. Like I say it in like such a good way.

Wait, which word? Like, I don't know. Can I say it? Oh, cunt? Yeah, cunt. Cunt? Yes, you can say cunt. Okay.

Because I don't think Black people are affected by that word the way white people are. You can call me cunt all day long long but I'll come for your personal life I'll tell you how ugly you are inside or on the outside I never say it in a bad way I'm always like oh my god that hair is cunt oh my god those shoes are cunt that arch on that slingback is cunt you know it's never like from like a derogatory term but like just because I don't mean it in a certain way doesn't mean somebody else doesn't take offense to it unfortunately yeah i say things are disgusting when i like them because i like weird things like i'm wearing uh you can't see the whole thing but it's a hot pink velour onesie and when i saw it i was like oh that's nasty i love it uh so like i'll be shopping i'm like oh that's disgusting that's disgusting. Let me see that. And people are like, just to see?

I'm like, no, no, I'll probably buy it. It's nasty. I love it. It's rotten. But I just like, I like unique things. And that's how I describe them. And people get offended sometimes. And I'm like, just chill out.

Don't take life so seriously. We're so quirky. We're so quirky. Cheers, Nicole. Thank you so much. Cheers. This is going to be so fun. Naomi, what are you drinking?

Okay. I'm drinking whatever I had in my refrigerator. So I had like some gin. I had some strawberry, banana, nectar. Okay. And some elderflower liquor from a long time ago with some water. It's very watered down now because I'm kind of a baby. I love

that you were like, whatever was in my refrigerator, which was elderflower liqueur and boysenberry sniffs and quiffs. It was just like, oh, that sounds like a delightful, tasty drink.

It's in a safe container, so just in case I knock it off because I'm very, very, very clumsy. What are you drinking? Are you really? I'm drinking. Okay. So I found this wine. It's white wine. I love white wine. I don't drink red because once I drank two bottles of my dad's red wine, this was years and years and years ago. And I fell asleep face down in my bed and I puked and I woke up and I didn't wear, I wasn't wearing my contacts or anything. And I was like, what is this? And I was like, what is it? What is this? And then I was like, ew, I'm playing with my own puke. So I don't

drink red wine. This is white wine. And it's this company called Joel Gott. And it's delicious. I don't know. It's like the only thing I drink. That and Kim Crawford. I think I like wines that are people's names because it's fun for me. I'm like, oh, hey, Joel. I love a Kim Crawford, though. Love a Kim Patrao.

Love a Kim Kardashian. I love all the Kim cheese, you know. Oh, speaking of kimchi, I'm wearing her. Oh, shit. I don't know what it's called but the glitter yes the glitter on my eyes literally like you said like i like looked at you and i'm like that's diamond charts for sure it honestly like really like it looks good i like i really like it kimchi is really that girl and i'm'm so proud of Kim Chi Chic Beauty.

Like they are, I love that she's like putting her name on something that's actually respectful. Yes. And it's nice to like donate money to the Trevor Project. And then the products are just like actually good. I'm also wearing one of her blushes. I'm just like wearing a lot of Kim Chi. I really like it. Meatball gave me this blush.

She knows. She's got good taste. She's got good taste. She's got good taste. So, Naomi, let's get into dating just a little bit. Honestly, we'll talk about dating, but then, like, I meander because I have ADD, and we're just going to talk about, like, whatever we want. But are you dating right now? I'm currently not dating right now? I'm currently not dating right now. Like not as like a, uh, not super effort or

anything, but the way that the world is going, it's just like interesting. And this is the longest I've been without like a romantic interest. And how long has that been? Um, okay. So I'm being dramatic, but like, I've literally had a crush on a boy every year since I was nine. This is as long since high school, so in a year, I'm pretty much steady of no dating. Honestly, I don't think you're being dramatic. I think that is a long time. I mean, I do. I once went two years without dating anybody or having sex.

I attribute it to my papa passing. So I just like, I don't know. I was like depressed and shit. So like, I truly wasn't looking and just like really drinking a lot and having a good time. But when it finally happened, when I finally had sex with someone again, it was like the least satisfying thing I'd ever done. But I was so excited. He like, oh boy, how do I say this without like giving, he doesn't listen to the podcast, but he like was on top of me and he was just like, and I was like, oh no,

I forgot about what this was like. Street men are disgusting. And then he came and then he like got off and he was like, you good? And I was like, yeah, I was not good.

But then he fell asleep and then I scurried like a little kitchen mouse to my roommate's bedroom and I was like, Jen, Jen, I had sex again. And she was like,

it is 4 a.m. Get out of my room. And then she was like, it is 4 a.m. Get out of my room. And then she was like, congrats. So I get it. Yeah, a year is, it's a long time. The fact that you let him sleep in your bed, though. Was it your first time hanging out or like sleeping together? Oh, no, I knew.

It was our first time fucking, but like I knew him from just like the comedy world. So it was like, we were friends. And then also I'm a hundred percent sure he wanted to come home with me because I had air conditioning because he kept talking about air conditioning in the bar. You know, things are fun once you like piece things together. It's hard out here in California. I can't say I blame him. One, because the air conditioning and two, because, you know, you got it going on. And do you have, what kind of bed do you have?

This was, I was living in New York. So it was my, it was a full size bed, but, oh wait, no, this was my old full size bed. It wasn't even like the comfy one. I bought a new bed when I lived in New York, maybe two months before I moved to LA and I was devastated. I was like, this is the most comfortable bed I've ever had. Like when I started making money and I was like, Ooh, I can live comfortably in New York. I moved to LA. It was depressing. It's fucking, I'm sorry. It's expensive as hell here. I'm trying to like censor myself. I don't know why I try. you don't have to you can say fuck you can say shit you can say ass i truly can't think of anything else i'm like what else is like a bad word yeah you don't have to censor yourself at least i don't think i

mean if people are offended watching i was gonna be like i'll give you your money back, but I absolutely won't. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is a one-time purchase, baby. It truly is. There are no refunds. Where are you from? I'm from California. I'm from... Oh.

Yeah, I'm from, like, closer to Palm Springs area, Redlands, California. Ooh, I fucking live for Palm Springs. It's a culture. It's a culture. It is a culture for sure. It truly is. I love it. I love the old people there.

I love, I actually love how hot it is because, and people are like, dry heat's not a thing. But I'm like, it is. It is. It's a different kind of heat. It's different. I will say like, it's, it's kind of a lot when you're like really hot it's like 117 degrees outside and then you like dip in the pool and the pool is like 116 degrees and it's like where's the relief here but palm springs makes up for it with the nudist resorts

and the gays and the dust i didn't know there was a nudist resort. Oh yes. I mean if the gays are there they need to be naked. I guess so. Yes. If the gays are around, yes. People will be naked. I love it. Same thing as like all the gyms like outdoor gyms opening up right now.

The gays are making that happen. They're like no no no no no no no no I cannot go without. I gotta say the gays have been they were the first people who I think figured out how to do like online shows with drag queens like bitch pudding was like oh wait we can't be in a bar cool so on Friday you'll be online with us and I was like this was quick it was quicker than stand-ups it was quicker than anything I'd ever seen in my life I truly I

was like okay I guess gays get it done when they when they want their bag and when they want to work out oh absolutely absolutely the queers will make it happen regardless like I absolutely love that we're strong we're strong back back to Palm Springs have you ever rented any of those houses in Palm Springs that are like stupid big? No. I mean, I would love to, though. You absolutely have to. So I rented a house for a couple of my friends. And OK, so there was a tennis court, a basketball court, a gigantic fucking pool that came pre-set with floaties.

Like there was a casita back house for the couples if they wanted to like fuck. And then it was eight bedrooms inside with eight bathrooms, like eight private bathrooms. So nobody had to share a fucking bathroom. But the catch was only three cars were allowed in the driveway at any time

because it was like a private neighborhood of four houses and people were like, cars are unsightly. So I parked four cars in a two-car garage and I've never been prouder of myself. Did you parallel? Did you have to back in? Yes. So one car, a little Honda Fit was like this way. The door is that way and you're supposed to pull in. So I parked it sideways and then I put a car here. Meatball's car was there. Meatball's car was there. And then I put my car in between the pillar between the garage doors. And then my other friend's car was over here. I was so proud. I was like, oh my God, I'm with the car Tetris queen. So much. Thank you. She's a farmer and she can valet your car.

Okay, so where did you... I'm curious about your career. When did you start doing drag? I started doing drag at 18. Yes, definitely 18 in my bedroom, but then finally hit the drag at 18. Yes, definitely 18, like in my bedroom, but then like finally hit the stage at 19. I love it.

Do you remember your first performance? Oh yeah. I remember it like the back of my hand, like it was terrifying, but it was so thrilling. And I felt like it like checked a lot of boxes of like where I feel comfortable and where i feel comfortable is just being really fucking nervous so it definitely did that for me i that's such an

interesting thing you said that you feel comfortable being nervous because i do feel comfortable being nervous if i'm not nervous before a show i'm like either the show's gonna be very bad or like i guess i don care anymore. And it's only happened a couple times and I've been right each time where I'm like, oh, this is just going to be a bad show and I like knew it. Or I was like, oh, I just truly didn't give a fuck about that. But yeah, if I'm nervous, I'm

like, ooh, okay, this is going to be good. Totally. Like when you walk off stage and like you're like, or if you walk onto stage and you have like that feeling of like, well, I don't really give a fuck. You're just like, you're like, or if you walk onto stage and you have like that feeling of like, well, I don't really get what's wrong. You're just like, you're not going to remember it when you get off. So like, why would you not want to remember

something so major? Like anyone who puts their stuff on stage and takes ridicule like that, like that's amazing. Yeah. Speaking of ridicule, it wasn't ridicule, but, and also if you don't want to talk about this, we don't have to,

but like, I feel like queens of color just are held at a different standard. Just like people of color in general, black people especially are treated a certain way and there's weird expectations. But when you sent Manila home, which I loved, I love Manila, but I like good television more than I like a queen.

And to me, that was like good television. It was an unexpected choice and you owned it and you did it. But the backlash was not very nice. Uh, if you want to talk about it, you can, but if you don't want to, that's also fine. But like, how did you navigate a fucking fandom who like likes you and cares about you being like, no, thank you. who like likes you and cares about you being like no thank you oh I mean it's crazy because like the drag race fandom is something that I am so familiar with because I literally started in that position like I was like I was waiting outside the club when I was too young to get in waiting for the queen to sign my things and I understand like how chaotic it is and I understand

how like chaotic the internet is so I wasn really, it didn't take like anything to heart for any of like that situation. It is a shame that I do feel like race always has like a big issue to do with everything. Like no matter what the situation is, you are always going to be in this world that we're living in treated less than like someone who missed like made the same mistake or same made the same choice that you did who is just with like a different set of visual characteristics but the thing is like when you really think about it like you have the people that really love and respect you and like if they if my mom is calling me at the end of the day and being like hey i love you then i'm like okay i don't really give a fuck about

this stranger in timbuktu 12 years old who's never been to a drag show has to say about me and it's a competition and i hope that it just inspires people to like go out there and like really fight for their own and fight for that damn crown like why the hell did you sign up for a competition if you don't want to win yes that was like the thing when I was watching I was like it is a competition at the end of the day and I mean I love Drag Race but like I miss the older episodes when queens were more cutthroat because it meant a little bit more. Because now it's like you get on the show and if you go home first, you have a career. Like, you know what I mean?

Like, you're not really, like, you're, yes, you're fighting to be, like, top four. But, like, once you're in top four, like, you can tour. Like, and make solid money. But I just, I miss the hunger and the drive. Oh, totally. And it's been, like like so removed from that show. I think social media has a huge part to do with it

because you know what the reaction is going to be like, or you're gassing yourself up in your head, thinking what the reaction is going to be. So then it stops you from really like participating how you would naturally participate or naturally react to something in the moment you know and oh yeah yeah it's a shame but like season two season three like those those seasons oh good even season one with that filter i love season one i think it's so funny i want to see rebecca

glasscock on all stars because she is the ultimate person where you're like how did you get here why are you doing this why did you make that choice oh she's one of my favorites i love her so much oh see i want to see tammy brown host drag race like that is my goal she is just the most iconic to me. She's so fucking funny. True star power. I think she went home on her season with a Destiny Child song or a Michelle Williams song. And I think Akasha beat her. And she was doing this like little two step.

And I was like, she's perfect. I love her so much. She calls me like whenever I used to perform with her, she would always call me Scooter Butt because she couldn't remember my name. And I just, I'm so obsessed with that. Like Scooter Butt is like my pseudo-dram name. Honestly, that's perfect to not remember someone's name

and then be like, Scooter Butt. Yes, Scooter Butt. That's what I'll call you. She's fucking perfect. Tee hee hee. Isn't Scooter Butt such a fun nickname? Okay. We're going to take a break. We'll be back with more Naomi Smalls. All right, after this. But you were talking about how you kind of edit yourself. I do the same thing. Like, I have a couple of jokes that I think are very, very, very fucking funny.

I've run them by other comics and they're like, I think it's funny. But I just won't tell them because I don't want to deal with people being like, this offends me. I don't like it because of X, Y, and Z. I tweeted two days ago when I was in Oklahoma. She's a corn queen. I fucking hate Oklahoma. But I tweeted something about, what was it? Oh, I had ordered a, so I was on set and there was a funnel cake truck. And they had a Reese's funnel cake. So this thing was like a fucking funnel cake with peanut butter sauce, chocolate syrup, Reese's pieces in it. And it was delightful. I ate half of it. And then Amelia was like, I'm going to pass away. So I tweeted about how I was going to pass.

And I was like, if I die, do not say it was anything other than like self-love, treating myself in a hint of diabetes. And then this girl responded. She was like, I have diabetes and I would appreciate if you didn't, you know, make jokes about diabetes. And I was like, lady, this joke is about me. One, two. It's about type two diabetes and she had specified she was type one I was like this is a type two joke so it's especially not about you but also it's like if I can't joke about it like and then it's like such a fine line what you can and can't joke about and it's like I don't mean it to be malicious you know I don't know

I just you turn back like do you like have conversations in the comments or do you kind of just let it like right on well for her i was just like because she had said she was type one so i was like it was a type two joke type two i wouldn't be like and i was like i don't know if i don't think it's like specifically caused by eating terribly but like I think maybe it is I don't know the ins and outs of it I just know that like I wasn't talking about juvenile diabetes or anything that you like can't fix with like diet and I was just like why do I have to explain this to you I said I and then I just don't know why she would be offended but I don't know why people are so offended by things at all.

It's confusing. I think some people just like need to be part of the conversation. And like, even if part of the conversation is like being against it, they still feel like they're like part of it, you know? And yeah, you kind of have to like weed out like,

okay, well, if I'm hurting someone's feelings, I want, I don't want to like repeat that ever. Like if i'm hurting someone's feelings i want i don't want to like repeat that ever but like i think at the end of the day if you know that you're not a person and like like you know when you cross the line and you know and like you're you're gonna edit yourself to not do that you know so i think it's totally a learning experience though

whenever you put any thought that you have on social media, because. Yeah. Unfortunately, I'm not, unfortunately, because that's what makes the world so different. Like people just think differently. And unfortunately, some people just don't have good taste. Yeah. Unfortunately they don't.

Although when someone like gets at me and they're like, I don't like you because of X, Y, and Z. I'm like, okay, I hope that made your day. I'm going to go live my life and do some, I don't know, sit with the cutouts of myself. You have a great collection, by the way. Thank you. I'm obsessed.

This like museum of Nicole. This one is from a show. And then this one is from, I did a show at a college and they just had that at the door. And I got off a plane, drove for four hours, got to this school and I looked like shit.

And I was like, I cannot believe my cutout looks better than me right now. And they were like, tee hee hee. I was like, I'm serious. Send it to me. So I always have that memory. So they were like, tee hee hee. I was like, I'm serious. Send it to me. So I always have that memory.

So then they like folded it up and sent it to me. And then they sent the sweetest fucking note. I think it was the University of Minnesota or Missouri. And it's hard to remember because one of those schools is also the worst school I've ever been to. So it's hard. And then this, like the one that's like hanging there, I don't remember what i did but

it came to my house just like nobody told me they were sending it was like a photo shoot for something and they didn't tell me they were sending me like the photo of myself and i opened it and i was like who did this and then finally someone was like oh it was from us uh so then i hung it on my wall and i was like this is is perfect. I love looking at myself. I love that. Is this like your you room or is this like the living room? This is my living room. The two cutouts, they live in my guest room. So when my guests wake up, I'm staring at them.

And then the one that's hanging on the wall lives behind my front door so when you close my front door there i am uh i just you know i really just love myself god honestly god right like not enough people say it out loud that they like love who they are and then if you do it's like oh she's like really full of herself. And I'm like, well, if you're not your own best friend or your own like biggest fan, like what the fuck are you doing? Yeah.

Oh my God. I have not been recording any of this. My rest of my producer is going to be so mad. Okay. Well, I'll just record the last half. Okay. I recorded my side. Well,

you're doing much better than me. Okay. I mean, I don't know if it like, I don't, I don't know the last half. Okay. I recorded my side. Well, you're doing much better than me. Okay. I mean, I don't know if it like, I don't, I don't know how tech works. It only captures your side. It's fine.

She'll just have to use the audio from the beginning of it. And then I'll record a thing. That's like, Oh, FYI. Here's why it's weird. Um, so Naomi,

um, are you on the apps at all? I am not on the apps currently. I definitely have had my history, though, for sure. Okay. Is it hard for you on the apps, since, like, you are so recognizable in and out of drag? Like, you, yeah, you're you.

Um, I, oh, my God. I just, like, I get, like, too spirally on the apps. Like, I really do. I'm like much more of a in-person conversation kind of, kind of girl. Like that's where I really feel like, I feel like the 80% of attraction is normally just like in that first, like meeting somebody. And it's hard with the online apps because you're really talking to a stranger and then like they're asking you for more photos. And you're like, why the hell am I sending the stranger like more photos of like my family and friends? And there's too many catfishes on there.

I don't know. Online apps, I'll definitely get back to them. But right now I'm taking a pause. I was taking a pause and now I'm trying to get back into them. And it's very depressing. I like, it's more depressing than it was. And I can't explain to you why. I want to see your dildo.

I may have taken it down, but I will show you. Oh, this is fun. A lot of people have asked to see it and now they can because this is visual. It wants to know my passions? Get out of here, Tinder. Oh wait, I might have taken it down because I did. I took it down because people

kept telling me to take it down. Yeah, your last guest. He said... Everyone has been like, take it it down and for three years i've been like sorry about it no she she like says the message right up front i i respect it if you have a photo of you with a massive don't i respect that i mean here's the thing I am a size queen I do like a huge penis and I just think they should know before they start talking to me do you remember your favorite penis that you've ever encountered oh wow this is a fabulous question that I don't think I've

ever been asked thank you yeah it's the microphone. So I dated this dude on and off for, I think, two and a half years, maybe three years. And he had, Naomi, the most beautiful penis I'd ever seen in my life. It was just like thick and juicy. Oh my God. I'm like gone to a place. Salivating. I truly am. It was like thick was like thick juicy also it was an uncircumcised penis which I I like them a little bit better and it was just huge it was so big and I felt like a very big butt and I like doggy style this is so much information that you didn't ask for but I like doggy style and then like it just like hit the right way. Oh, oh. Too bad it was attached to like a full-blown sociopath. Wait, what was, I don't want to ask his name,

but what would you name the dick? Oh my goodness. What would I name that dick? I think I named that dick like, like a bruiser. I was going to say Bartholomew. I don't know why that was the first name that came to my head. But I was like, Bartholomew would be cute. I like Bartholomew. I don't know why that was the first name that came to my head. But I was like, Bartholomew would be cute. I like Bartholomew.

Maybe I'll name my child that. Just kidding. I'm not having kids. What's the nicest dick you've ever encountered? Oh, the nicest dick I've ever encountered. Let's see. Or like the one that really stands in your memory to use. It's like masturbate.

Oh, my God. Crazy god crazy oh my gosh actually on the farm all right i don't want to be saying this because i was in middle school at the time but whatever well was the other party also in middle school i we didn't do anything sexual but like he also was in middle school but like he that's great he like flashed it in like a group of like a bunch and it was like my first dick i had just like seen irl that was like pretty imperfect and i was like wow that one kind of looks like mine i remember my first dick i was in kindergarten and we had a bathroom in the classroom and i i think it's called boundary issues.

So I didn't knock. I have boundary, like true blue boundary issues. I love just walking into people's rooms and be like, hello. But I opened the door and this little boy was peeing. And I remember being like, wow, I don't have that. What is it? And I was like, excuse me.

My teacher was like, leave him alone and like ripped me away. And I was like, I have so many questions. So then I didn't know how to like phrase my questions. So then I went to the library and I found this book called Our Bodies, Our Minds or something. I don't know. It's this like blue book. And it explained so much to me that I probably shouldn't have known in kindergarten.

But then I had like asked my mother. I was like, did Daddy do this to you? Because I learned about sex. It was like a whole thing. But I do think that's where my love of dicks came from I saw that one and I was like I want to be near those at all times I do love a good like you know I love a good nude I love a good portrait I love like you can really tell a lot about someone I don't necessarily think I'm a size queen but like I love a pube grooming.

Okay. If you're going to take a picture of your thing, like it better be real nice and groomed. Like I'm not going to post a selfie on Instagram unless I have a haircut, you know? So it like should be the same way with the dicks. But people don't think like that, especially straight men. But people don't think like that, especially straight men. Straight men think you want to see this like overgrown bush with like a fucking can of Coke next to it for like a size reference. While they're sitting on the toilet. Yes.

What is that? I don't know. And then sometimes you'll see their like toes and their like toenails will be disgusting. And you're like, who, who on earth do you think would think this is sexy who i don't know i feel like anyone who has to deal with straight men i really feel for you because that sounds awful it is i would say maybe the worst thing in the world i just i guess also just dealing with people in general is hard. I like dated a person who eventually was like, I don't know if I believe in monogamy. I don't know if I like want to be in a relationship. And I was like, then why are you on a dating app where it doesn't say in the comment, cause you could write shit out. So like, why doesn't it say, I don't want to be in a relationship and I don't believe in monogamy. Cause then I could be like,

great. I can make a choice. But you've now trapped me. You made me breakfast. I like you a bunch. Not liking monogamy. Not ready for a relationship. Gay. Honestly.

Maybe. He did love show tunes. No, but that's like something that is very uh common i feel like a lot of people are like do i want to get into a relationship do i not want to get into a relationship is it the right time is it not the right time and i think that that's like a constant struggle that you just get into when you're meeting someone new and you're actually into them you know yeah but i feel like you can me is it too much to put it on a profile like i don't want to be in a relationship right now i'm just like dating i think that's fair to do

i mean it's fair for everybody involved what do they do like on tinder like what do you are you allowed to like say that because i know on grinder you can say like no strings attached or like i'm only here for quick meetups or chat. I don't know. I don't know why I'm looking at my voice. Quick. Quick. Quick.

Quick. So you can like on Tinder, you can like put a little, like there's a little thing where you can just write whatever you want. So right now my Tinder says definitely a thought the happiest out there, which makes me laugh and I'll never take it down. Then it says I'm a known seltzer hog because my friend called me a seltzer hog once and it made me laugh. Then I said, I'm a dark bottom filled with cream.

Because again, I thought that was really funny. But Lynn probably gives men the wrong idea. Then I just said, I'm looking for a funny person who gets it. And then I wrote, I love to teeheehee. I don't know. I'm going to be alone forever. No, the apps are hard because there's just like so much pressure on like what you're going to say in that moment to attract like that. That feeling that you get like when you see someone across the bar and like you're like, oh, could work you know like or like you both like are into each other it's like oh my gosh the

dating apps are exhausting i feel like that works it does not work for me like i've been with my like gay friends where they see someone across the bar and they're like like my friend taylor got into a relationship with his boyfriend because he saw him like across the fucking convention center at drag con but i have not once ever like looked across the bar like looked across the room and been like hey and then like dated that person push your hair back behind your ear flutter your lashes take a sip of your drink, miss the straw, you know, like kind of clumsy, but like, I'm fully aware that someone's staring at you. I wish the only time I've ever like hooked up with someone from a bar is like after last call. And it's like, who's left?

My friend Mano calls that a sidewalk sale. Why are the lights on? What kind of person are you looking for in a relationship? Okay, so I kind of think I'm, like, at a place where I'm, like, taking a break from the relationships. Oh, okay. Like, for now. For now.

I know I'm like, why are you on this podcast? I mean, I have not been on a date since March. So the people who've been listening, like this lady literally wrote on my Instagram. She was like, I miss it when it was about love and relationships. And I was like, I know, so do I. I miss fucking people.

But I can't die for mediocre dick. Although I think what's happening right now is I'm going to hook up with somebody and I'm going to make them wear a mask and I'm not going to kiss them and I'm only going to do doggy style. Wow, so it's just like a human prop. Kind of.

Well, I can't find a lady glory hole. Detox on Twitter said it was called a flower pot but then I Googled flower pot and I only got flower pots so i don't know how to find a lady glory hole i interrupted you so you're not trying to be in a relationship oh no you're totally fine no i'm like not necessarily opposed to a relationship i think that with 2020 like everyone in the world like fully gone through like the nine cycles and part of that's like one of those cycles is dealing

with like the relationship trauma you had from before 2020 and I would say like for me it was a lot of like more guilt in a way so like feeling bad for like fucking up love. So I think that I don't want to do that to somebody again in the near future. And I kind of need to get myself in a like way more appropriate headspace or I feel kind of like fully realized right now, but like not necessarily enough to like dip into something new because I'm excited to find out what this more fully realized love person is.

Honestly, I like that. It sounds like you're taking care of yourself, which is like truly wild to me. Cause I don't take care of myself at all. Although I will say, I don't think you've ever fucked up love. Like I've talked to my therapist about shit like that.

And she always hits me back with like, you may think you fucked up, but like, did the other person do what you needed them to do? And nine times out of 10, I'm like, no. And she's like, then I think you both fucked up. And I'm like, Mary, Mary always hits you with like the hardest shit. And I'm like, my God, you're smart. But it's because she's listening and has no stakes in my life. But, like, every time she hits me with something,

I'm like, my God, she's so smart. If only, like, therapists could be matchmakers. I wish. On top of that. It would be so nice to, like, go to a therapy session. She's like, actually, I just talked to someone who worked out their issues with that same thing so i think you're a good match no instead we have like patty stanger who like meet my millionaire wait is that show still on i don't think so i don't

think that a show is still on i don't think that haircut is still in. I don't think any of it is still happening. But I was thoroughly entertained, just like I am with a lot of Bravo reality television. I started watching The Real Housewives of Potomac, and they're perfect. How is it? I hear it's amazing. They're so good. So I was watching

season one, and then I was in Oklahoma, so I was watching whatever the current season is and my god they've changed but not the way they act just like the wigs are different the destination is different like the last season one thing I watched

was like them going to a tiny little beach house where they had to like share rooms and they were mad about it and then the one I watched the other night was like them going to like Abu Dhabi they weren't in Abu Dhabi or Brazil someplace I don Abu Dhabi. Or Brazil? Someplace. I don't know. I was like, this is lavish. The fucking blow up. I love saying that.

I'm a real housewife sucker. New York is my favorite. I've only really seen Atlanta. I watched the very first season of Orange County and I was like, these women are sick. And then my roommate, John's boyfriend is watching.

God, what is he watching? He's watching Potomac now with me, but then he was watching Beverly Hills. Ooh, the money. Beverly Hills, it's fun. I just love people with money they're different they're a different breed it's so unapologetic it's like what do I why do I give a fuck I'm married to fucking Harry Hamlin like why do I give a hell what you think about you know like I love uh the money of Beverly Hills but I love the drama of New York as far as like the first, the first like four

to five seasons. And I haven't given Potomac a spin yet, but I Give it a whirl. It's honestly delightful. They will cap a scene with so Karen is my favorite. She's like the like the rooted

rooted blonde. Yes. Yes. She's the one. She's she truly is the one. And she's so fucking wild. So there's this scene where this other girl, I can't remember her name. She has this like slamming body. And everyone's talking about her body. And she's like, you know, it's high and tight up here.

But then, you know, some things don't come back. And Karen's like, hmm, but it can. And she's like, do you know a surgeon? And she's like, mm hmm. And I was like, they just had a conversation about this woman's loose pussy on camera, and they used code words like we weren't going to figure out that they were

talking about a loose pussy. And then the scene just ends, and I was like, wait, I want it more. It was so funny. It made me laugh so hard. I love, I also love that part about the housewives, is their fascination with the cosmetics yes yes time time will get you um were you living in Vegas when you were doing

uh the Vegas show I was I was living in Silverado Ranch, which is like... Girl, I don't know. I know, I know. It's 20 minutes away from the Strip, though, which is perfect because, like, the Strip to me was just a little too much drama with, like, all the drunk people and the tourism. And, yeah, it's just a lot.

How was it living in Vegas? I feel like it would be overwhelming. Just, like's just a lot. How was it living in Vegas? I feel like it would be overwhelming. Just like sensory fucking overload. Oh my God. Are you going to hate me right now when I go grab my laptop charger? No, I don't. I won't hate you.

I'll be right back. Let's see. Maybe I could take a question or is that a whole thing to set up? Probably. We'll do that later. Oh, okay. Here's a question. I love your book.

Do you have any other book recommendations to give fellow single people who need positivity in case we go back to lockdown oh um that's a good question no i don't um my my favorite book uh is this book called jemima jones no jemima jay uh it reads a text message, but I've read it a hundred times and I truly love it. It's a wild ride. I think you'll like it. Okay, real quick. We're going to take a break and then we'll be answering some listener questions. What is your favorite snack before and after sex? Okay, so Naomi, I started answering questions. What's your favorite before before and after sex? Okay, so Naomi, I started answering questions. What's your favorite before and after sex snack? For me, it's anything with peanut butter or pretzels.

I have never been in like a real relationship where we're like, let's eat something and then fuck. And then after we're done, like, let's eat more. That seems like a real relationship thing. And Valerie seems like you're attacking me uh but naomi do you have an answer for this do you have like a favorite before and after sex snack oh my god before sex it's like a full-on if i'm going to be getting penetrated it's like a two-day star juice cleanse like i'm too paranoid um but after sex honestly I mean like I used to really

be obsessed with McDonald's after sex oh that's like my favorite like something disgusting I should not be having in my body after having something that I absolutely should be having in my body or putting something that you, does not fit in there. But yeah, I love a good, like, large fry from McDonald's after doing a bang-in. I do love McDonald's. I had McDonald's yesterday. I don't know. The days are, like, fucking running together. But I had a hash brown, and they're so fucking good.

And it's like, you know when you order one you're gonna want two and when you order two you're gonna want three you're gonna want three and if you get three you're gonna want four it's truly like if you give a mouse a fucking cookie it's like may just give me all of the hash browns you have that's all that's all i want um what's the most awkward thing that's happened to you during sex oh my god the most awkward thing that's happened to you during sex? Oh my God. The most awkward thing that's happened. Probably anything that just, I mean, every,

I feel like every gay man has this answer or anyone who's put something where it's not necessarily meant to be, but like anything that has to do with feces and fellatio. Not fellatio, but, you know, like, what's an F word for a dick? I'm trying to be, like,

Mother Goose up in this bitch. No, wait, fellating. You fellate? Fellatio. Yeah, you fellate a dick? But not with your lips. Like, I'm trying to think of, like, the other lips, you know but like anything your butt lips yeah butt lips your butt your butt fellatio i think we just invented something the kegel the kegel i've queefed on so many dicks where men are like what you're just like, ugh, whatever. I'm honking. And then... There's like full-on fetishes for that, right?

I have yet to meet a person who was into that. I keep meeting the most vanilla dudes who are like, what's happening? My wig once fell off during sex. And... Like, fully onto the floor. Like, goodbye. What's down?

It was my curly wig. This was years was when i wore my curly wig everywhere uh he truly was like inside of me and said what and i said just keep going and i like grabbed my gosh i like the the wig tree the wigetry during sex is something i respect because i feel like two minutes on stage i feel like it's gonna fall off so i can't even imagine like getting bumped and grind and all the right places you gotta pin that bitch down so like if i'm going on a date if i'm going on a date so like my favorite wig has a comb here and then like clips that you clip in and then i pin it in the middle and then if i'm getting like if it's like pretty rough sometimes i'll just be like please don't don't pull. Like, I'll just preemptively say that now. But these, like, they're crocheted to my head. So, like, these you can pull.

Yeah. Every hairstyle I've had since quarantine has been a pullable hairstyle, and I've had nobody around to pull them. Wait, when's the last time you had sides? March. Dag. It's been a very long time. And it was just because I kept getting taunted about working.

They were like, not taunted, teased. They were like, you're going to work soon. You're going to work soon. So I was like, all right, well, if I get COVID, I affect like a couple hundred people. And I'm not trying to stop their bag. So like, I'll be responsible. And then I like wasn't working, wasn't working. And I was like, I could have been fucking.

And then I would have had time to quarantine. I could have had time to do a lot of things. So now I'm at the point where I'm like, masks, maybe a shield. Maybe through a sheet, maybe through a wall. Yes, honestly, maybe. I'm so horny, I could cry. I masturbated three nights ago in oklahoma i didn't come

and then i just got so sad that i couldn't come i was like i think i've masturbated too much and my body is like bitch we gotta get somebody else in here wait how long did you try i tried for maybe 45 minutes like it was a okay have you watched sex in the city of course like are we gonna go to the rabbit episode yes so there's an episode where samantha can't come because miranda's mom died and she didn't say anything to miranda and she was like upset about it and like that was like blocking her coming and she tries with this dude every position she tries the fiber every position that was me three nights ago or two nights ago or whatever in oklahoma like truly just like jamming this fucking vibrator on me and in me and then i after 45 minutes was like it's 3 30 in the

morning i have to go to sleep like this is this is bad gosh i used to think i was such a miranda i used to think i was such a miranda like i i thought i was like a samantha when i was younger because i really thought i was that girl and i was like oh no i'm miranda because i'm like you know woke but now i just think i'm like i don't even know who i am i okay i don't know you well, but I think you would be like maybe a Samantha Miranda. I don't think you're a Carrie. And I'm so glad you didn't say you were a Carrie. Whenever people go, I'm a Carrie.

I'm like, hmm, so you're selfish. You make bad choices and you're very mean to your friends. Yes, you are that fucking girl. I truly think, I think I'm like a Samantha mixed with Miranda

I think I'm a Samantha Miranda for sure I think that with Sex and the City iconic show amazing amazing amazing but I think that everyone who's like a fan of the show can relate especially if you hate

to say it with every single character on the show oh absolutely and like sometimes i'll be like yes carrie you're right here but if you go back and re-watch it every single man who dates carrie hates carrie there's there's like episodes where big is so disgusted like so much aiden gets mad with her like it's a you broke my heart team aiden for life i am team aiden and people be like whatever he's hokey and i'm like he's yeah he might be hokey but he's like a sturdy man with a job and cares he loved her he loved that piece of shit. Okay. Well, Naomi, honestly, I really like talking to you.

And I might have you back on the podcast because I didn't get to ask all the questions I wanted to ask. But now we have to do some questions. Yeah. So if you have a question for me and Naomi, you know, send it all in. Send it all in. Send it on in. Okay, where is the weirdest place you've had sex? Would you do it again?

Naomi? Ooh, the weirdest place I've had sex. In the streets of... Where were we? We were in Germany. Somewhere in Germany. where were we we were in germany somewhere in germany after a workday show i was like definitely feeling um antsy after a show and i found someone who was really like cool tall and very well endowed and some old like homeless man on

the street was like pulling out his phone and like screaming at us. And we were like, it cut us short, but it was probably for the best. Honestly, there might be a Naomi Smalls sex tape out there. It was probably dark though, right? It was dark, but honestly, like I'm, I keep saying honestly every five seconds. But there is probably some sort of Naomi Smalls something out there. I really hope

it doesn't come out while my parents, or while my mom is still alive, but if it does, we live in 2020. Everyone's proud of their bodies. What about you? What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex? The weirdest place I've ever had sex is Central Park! Yeah, what about you what's the weirdest place you've ever had the weirdest place i've ever had sex is central park uh yeah i just like met this guy at a bar and then we were walking and then he was

like uh where do you live and i was like uptown and then he was like i don't want to go uptown i was like where do you live he was like brooklyn i was like i don't want to go to brooklyn and then we were like just like kind of turned and we're like and then that's where we did it. Did you remain standing? Yeah. I just like bent over. Hot.

She had a dish that needed to be scratched. I sure did. Oh, Naomi, can you speak, this is from Valentina. Naomi, can you speak truth about the dress where your dick allegedly appears in All-Stars 4? Ooh, okay.

There is actually screenshots of my dick from RuPaul's Drag Race, like, that they did not blur out. But it wasn't on All-Stars 4. It was on season eight. I think that, like, people think I have, like, a prosthetic dick that I'm wearing. Or, like, a runway.'m wearing I can't remember it's like a mirror a mirror dress maybe? Wait have you seen this

thing? Cause I thought it was so niche that only I was like the only one cause I'm like you know a paranoid freak No so it was All Stars 4 I can't remember what the actual outfit was but it was I was hosting a drag race recap podcast via Vulture

with Joel Kim Booster the episodes are lost I don't know where the fuck they are you can't listen to them anymore but Joel was like yeah you can see Naomi's dick and then we watched it and paused it and we're like I think that's her dick but maybe not I don't know so wait

you're saying on your season your dick was out i mean full full like honesty if i'm in drag there's a huge chance of my dick coming out a lot of the time i have spent years trying to take this thing back i've also like like i've i've used ice to try and shrink. I've stand over, like, an air conditioning vent to try and shrink and then go from there. It really only works for, like, five minutes, and I do not

sit in that five minutes and take a picture. That's it. What a treat! I love it. On All Stars, this dress that is rumored to have, like, a dick screenshot is not it. It's just a weird, like, light reflective thing. But there is a shot. I think it's reflecting your forearm, honestly.

I think that's what it is. Smoking mirrors. But there's a shot in season eight where my full-on, like, left testicle is out. And World of Wonder did not think to maybe... Wait, what episode is it? The children want to know. it's after the paper ball runway so i don't i'm not sure what number that is but it's like me looking crazy in my paper dress with my full-on testicle out for the world to see honestly that's very funny That's really so funny.

When has my dick popped out? Have I ever had anything pop out? No, people have titties pop out or whatever. I have the smallest boobs ever. I have an A cup. They're so tiny. They never pop out of anything. Do I ever have anything unruly? Oh, i've had my pussy pop out like on because i pole dance i've had it pop out pole dancing um john my

roommate i was trying to get this like i was trying to i can't remember what the move was but i was like john hold my legs right here like that i'm gonna like open them for the picture and then like hurry and take this picture because i'm gonna fall and he was like okay and he was like and he like backs up and he's like your pussy's out and i was like god damn truly it was like hungry eating the fabric hello um let's have another question okay mark says as a straight male who a straight male who loves your podcast mark you're number eight how can i better myself on dates oh i've been in uh been on a few of my new city pre-covid but don't hear back dang i wish i could talk to mark but uh hmm well mark ask women about the if you if you're dating women yeah you're straight

so uh ask women questions about themselves and then listen um also like lean into kiss i think i think you should always try to kiss on the first date if you're like feeling a vibe because whenever a dude doesn't kiss me on the first date i'm like jesus fucking christ what do i have to do to get to'm like, Jesus fucking Christ, what do I have to do to suck a dick? Like, what do I have to do? Because it's what I'm trying to do. I don't know. Naomi, what do you like to see from men on dates?

Oh, I like to see confidence, honestly. If you can look me in the eye and, like, hold a conversation for more than, like, five minutes, there's, like like there's something there I think that not to be like that girl but I'm like no be that girl truly I think it is a dream when a man is confident and can look me in the eye and like if I tell a joke be able to like banter back with me like you don't have to be fun as funny I'm very funny you don't have to be able to like banter back with me like you don't have to be fun as funny I'm very funny you don't have to be able to like tell a joke but like just like showing that you have a little bit of

humor is very sexy to me do you feel like people are trying to be like on and funny when they're on dates with you like can you like sense that I can sense it I dated this one dude who thought he was really funny so like I would say something that was funny, he would laugh, and then he would try to one-up it. And I was like, well, it's not a fucking competition. You'll have your moment in a couple minutes. Because you can see right through that, huh? Yes, absolutely. I know when

someone's wheels are turning, it's very easy to be like, oh, the next thing out of your mouth is going to be a joke. I know you're trying to do something. But I just like people who are, like, easy breezy funny. Yeah. Yeah. Another question.

Hovi, any sexy video chat tips? Should I set up a scene, wear a sexy outfit, keep it casual, have a drink and chat before undressing? Hmm. I don't have any advice for this i are you a sexy skype kind of girl no i it's uh i don't inherently find myself sexy i think the sexiest part of me is just like i'm fun i'm free i'm down for anything and that doesn't translate in like a do you want to like see my tit into the mic yeah excuse me would you like to see my tit like it just doesn't work I I don't

do video chats do you do video chats or anything like that I don't do video chats I would like to do like video like FaceTime dates but like just because we're living in 2020 but like i am a firm believer like if you don't want it after years of experience and years of being you know life i would say that if you're not comfortable with like your friends and family seeing it don't don't take the picture and don't send it out so that's honestly very good advice. The video chat goes with that. Because if you're not, like, comfortable enough for the world to see it, maybe not the best thing to be showing your tits on Skype or, like, you know, busting out the head of your penis

and, like, snapping it on the, you know, the cam. But I do respect, like, you know, the effort to keep, like, sex alive when you're not necessarily able to make it happen. Yeah. I don't know if we answered that question, but I agree with what you're saying. Yeah.

If you don't want it out in the world, don't do it. I don't think you should, like, make it, like, a scene, like, a backdrop-y thing. I think maybe, like, a blank wall is good. Or if you're trying to show off your personality, like, you shit on your wall, okay. But, like, don't make it look like you backdrop-y thing. I think maybe like a blank wall is good. Or if you're trying to show off your personality, like you shit on your wall, okay. But like, don't make it look like you put effort into it

or too much effort. Because then it's just like, then I'd be like wondering, I'd be like, oh, okay, we're doing this like sexy. Is this like what you do for everybody? I would just have too many questions. I think the simpler, the better. Have you sat a nude before?

I sent pictures of my butt so okay i've i also send a video of myself masturbating to somebody who told me it was too much and i was like but you wanted it i don't send anything with my face in it but the butt picture i sent to someone has my butt tattoos so like if they posted it like you would just be like yeah that's definitely nicole i have very distinct tattoos and i talk about them all the time I got a hamburger a hot dog uh some ice cream I just added to it so on my other butt cheek now I have a chili pepper watermelon uh uh oh a peach something else and it says. And then I have a lemon, a lemon,

like a little lemon slice. And it says, when life gives you lemons, suck a dick. And the woman who tattooed me, this girl, Alana, was like, do you really want suck a dick on your body? And I was like, yeah, bitch, do it. She's trying to get a message across. Mm-hmm. Let's do more questions.

Emily says, has anything ever happened, I think it's ever happened in the middle of a date that made you get up and leave? If not yet, what's something that would make you get up and leave?

I've never gotten up and left, but there's been dozens of times where I'm like, ew, this person is like gross. They smell weird. They're not funny. I would love to leave. But like for whatever reason, I'm like, I, this person is like gross. They smell weird. They're not funny. I would love to leave.

But like, for whatever reason, I'm like, I should stay. Like you're like planning your escape during the date. Yes. Planning my escape to be like, it's like a mutual thing where we're like, oh, we're both going to leave now. And then I leave and never respond to them again. Yeah. And I think that's, that's courteous. I try to be courteous because i would be so upset if someone left me in the middle of a date oh totally oh my gosh if you're like sitting there in the middle of the restaurant yeah just devastated and like i mean

devastated but like everyone knows that you came with two people and you're the only one that's sitting there at the end they're like ew who's gonna take the bill i who's sitting there at the end. They're like, ew, who's going to take the bill? Who's going to pay this bill? Not me. But if the person was a dick and you had the proper cash to just be like, you know what, I'm done. And you have the proper cash to throw it on with tip, that's fierce.

That is fierce. And that's never happened to me. I never have enough cash. But then also, if someone in the middle of the day threw money down and was like, bye, bitch, I would probably burst into tears. And be like, why? They're coming back. They had to park their car. Yeah, I promise they're coming back.

I am beautiful, right? They're like, man, chill the fuck out. Let's do, okay, let's do three more questions because we do have to wrap it up. I said it would only be an hour. Okay, Eddie said, what's the worst food a guy has ordered on a date? Mine was spaghetti and milk.

Eddie, that's wild because i dated a dude who i made spaghetti and he requested milk i wonder if eddie fucked the same dude i fucked um let's see what's the worst dairy is just like a red flag on a day period dairy is weird dairy is so fucked up because i'm like are you gonna like toot on me when we fuck like what's why nobody digests milk well um do you straight guys like order like full-on meals like i think that's the gay thing like you can really tell like what the person's intentions are when you're coming down to like the ordering on a day so like if someone's getting like you know like an abugula salad in comparison to like i'll have the lasagna combo number five

um it depends on i've been on a couple first dates where dudes have like ordered full meals and i'm like hmm i don't and then we didn't fuck like on those dates like there was no fucking and then on second and third and fourth dates i've been like out with people to like order a meal. I'm like, oh, okay, we're eating, I guess. Where it's like, they say, let's go out for drinks. You're like, all right. And they're like, can I have a steak? And you're like, oh, I guess we're eating.

I don't know. It's confusing. And I don't ask questions beforehand because I don't know. I don't know why. Are you interested in ordering for you? No. If someone ever ordered for me,

I would smack them in the face and be like you don't know what this hungry bitch wants you truly you don't know leave me alone it's such a weird thing that like movies and like pop culture like paint this thing like the guy is supposed to order your shit like why the fuck am i gonna let this stranger not like order what i truly you don't know what i want has anyone ever ordered for you? No, but I've told someone what I wanted

and they just like repeated it to the waiter. And I feel like that's kind of the same thing. See, that's hot. That's hot for me because it's just like I'm silent.

Oh wait, that's happened to me too. So I went to dinner with my manager who was like a white dude and he said everything that I wanted and then I went, oh wait, can I have like wine? And he was like, you can have wine. And he said everything that I wanted.

And then I went, Oh wait, can I have like wine? And he was like, you can have wine. I was like, I want wine. And then the server, I can't remember exactly what he said,

but he insinuated that he had made a good choice. Um, the woman he was taking out, he insinuated that I was a hooker and I was like, wait, whoa, what? And my manager at the time was a fucking idiot. So he truly was just like, was a hooker and i was like wait whoa what and my manager at the

time was a fucking idiot so he truly was just like uh-huh and i was like no but honestly i was like that's a nice compliment to think i'm a working girl i don't know totally prostitutes are as dolly parton has said many many times prostitutes are the most beautiful things in the entire world. They are. They are. Whenever I look at a picture of a very slutty lady where she's half-dressed, I'm like, she's so pretty. And right now I've got this obsession with surgeried women.

I love big titties. And I don't see it for myself. It's not for me. I just like to look at it. I love huge titties. And I don't see it for myself. It's not for me. I just like to look at it. I love huge titties. I love a teeny tiny waist. I love a giant butt. And I love the big lips.

I love it so much. Oh my God, big lips. I'm going to have to try that sometimes. Yours are iconic. Thank you. I would say... Wait, what? I kind of want mine bigger.

Yeah? I mean, I've got a doctor. Is it expensive? I would say that it's definitely been an investment. And my advice to anyone who's thinking of, like, lips is to definitely try Laylee. Because filler is just a completely different ballgame. Filler falls.

The FF word. Like, filler falls. And I'm really lucky that I set it up with, like, a doctor who I really trust. But, like, I've seen just so many horror stories. And I even think sometimes like okay girl you went a little too far but not to keep talking about meatball but she was like should we get our lips done I was like uh-huh I don't think her boyfriend wants her to get them done but I think we're gonna sneak away and get our lips done so I'm gonna hit you up for that doctor

honestly sharing a syringe sounds like the best time to be like, that's the best girl time ever. Right? I like, I want it. I have like a good bottom lip. I just, I think I want my top lip a little. It's like weird to do it into my camera. Whatever. You know.

Let's do, I think I said, I don't know. Let's do another question. Let's do it. Ellie, could you share some advice you have in regards to international long distance relationships I've been seeing someone who lives in England and I live in LA Naomi

long distance is really really really tough I have to say because like both people have to be have the same amount of like effort and interest at the same time. And that's really hard when, like, you're living completely different lives on completely different time zones. So long distance is super tough. And with social media, in the same breath, you're like, you just, oh, God, it's just it's it's too much i would say like long distance

just does not work for me at this time i'm not emotionally mature enough to handle that like yeah i've never been in a long distance relationship but i do think since there is space i think it's okay to be like can we just talk about like what we want out of this? Because it's like, why waste time if you can't see the person all the time? So I don't think it's like unreasonable to be like, hey, I just want to make sure that we're on the same page because it is a lot of effort. And I don't want to be putting in more effort than you. I don't want you to put in more effort than me. Let's just talk. I think communication is truly key when it comes to long distance relationships. But like, good luck, Ellie.

I mean, London also, are they in California, did they even say? Or like, I'm just assuming. Their partner lives, or the person they're dating lives in England. They live in LA. Okay, yeah, that's like already such a, I mean, that's an eight hour time change.

Oh, is it? Right? Or am I like thinking of- No, no, I think you're right. I don't ever think about time changes. When I was in Oklahoma, I could not wrap my brain around being two hours, two hours ahead of LA. I don't know. It was only two hours. And I was like, this isn't like New York where it's three. This is stupid. I'm just saying, if you're watching from Oklahoma, get out. Oklahoma has the biggest shout out in this episode.

Oklahoma is like, we feel seen. Just there, running away from people at the hotel, not wearing a mask. Nobody in Oklahoma was like, I'll enforce the mask thing. And then while I was there, I was watching the news and they're like, we have 4,000 cases today. And I was like, 4,000? Does that mean everybody here has it? How many people are in Oklahoma? It's got to be just around 4,000. Okay, let's answer two more questions and then we should wrap up. Let's do it.

Vanessa B., I just got out of a five-year lesbian relationship. Turns out my girlfriend isn't gay and it took her five... I'm so sorry to laugh at that. That's very funny. It took her five years to realize that. How do you move on from this? I'm new to the dating scene. Vanessa, I'm sorry to have laughed at that. I was not laughing at your situation. I'm honestly laughing at your ex-girlfriend who for five years was like, gay. No, like that's so wild to me. Also, I think everyone's a little gay.

I think everyone's a little straight. I think everyone has a little, I think gender is a real, gender and sexuality is a real spectrum. And I think we label everything very strangely. But I will say, it's not your fault. You're not wrong. You're fine wrong you're fine you're beautiful you're perfect your ex-girlfriend i think is the one dealing with some issues um and i think getting back in the dating game you can't be super hard on yourself because it is it's hard it's like dating now is very hard being on an app is hard years ago, I don't know if there was apps and shit like that.

But like truly like take time for yourself. Don't be hard on yourself and you'll find somebody. Naomi, do you have any advice? Oh yeah. They should know that if they identify as lesbian

and they're looking for a partner that also identifies as lesbian and unfortunately the person who they spent that five years with is not in the same headspace, then that should be the first red flag and also such a saving grace to be like, okay, I can

move on to someone. The next person who, and that's something you'll look for, I'm sure, and you'll vet for, I'm sure, but like it's better to be on the same page as somebody than like waiting it out and finding out five years later that i wouldn't by the same time it's not a waste of time we learn you learn relationship but moving forward only at the lesbians and i have to say the lesbians are

my favorite people in the entire world. I do love lesbians. Also, it's a fun, like, not icebreaker, but like, it's a fun story to be like, my last girlfriend was gay, but then not gay. Like, that would make me giggle if somebody told me that. So I don't think that's something you should hide because it is an interesting thing that happened to you. And that's all like I do with comedy, like interesting things that happen happen to me i just spew them out on stage and then people go okay this is our last question

oh mj asked what made you smile today naomi what made you smile today? Oh my God, what did make me smile today? I, it sounds so like basic, but like I called my mom and she didn't pick up. And then like right away, she called me right back. And that made me smile. I don't know why. I'm just like- That's not basic. That's sweet.

In 2020, I've done a lot of like mom conversations and it definitely kept me very sane and grounded and I'm super thankful for that. So you're very close to your mom? I'm very, very close to my mom. I don't know if that's a dating red flag because on TV they're like, at least my mom is polite.

It's whatever the hell you want. His mom wants. Yeah. I think that's an awful stereotype because when my mother was living, I was very close to my mom and like it wouldn't be a red flag. It would just be like, whatever you do, my mother will know. That's it. And like, it's not like she would like make choices about my life.

I just told her everything. No, I mean, June Heffington was just the baddest bitch in the game. Mic drop. I love it. I love when someone loves their parents. I don't think that's a red flag. Like one of my dear friends, when someone loves their parents. I don't think that's a red flag. Like one of my dear friends, Jacob, loves his parents. And I love listening to him talk about them.

It's just sweet to me. Let's see, what made me smile today? Being back from Oklahoma. I mean, that was delightful. But I do have to wear a mask in my house because I have to get a COVID test because I don't want to infect my roommates and they don't want to be infected either. So like that's been annoying. But a thing that made me laugh, my aunt will die. Okay, this will be stupid, but my little tomatoes.

I love them. I truly love them. And I gardened a little bit i farmed i got some new uh tomato cages for my tomatoes so i put them in new cages and i told them that that would make them safe i talked to my plants like a fucking crazy person and then i got strawberries today and as i potted them, I said, hello, new friends. I'm glad you're here and I hope you like your stay. Like a full-blown crazy person. And then that made me laugh because I was like, oh, I'm insane. If anyone was ever outside their house listening to me being like, hello.

So, yeah. Perfect perfect we started the podcast about farming we ended it about farming we ended it on farming i saw you in work the world i guess it was last year yeah it must have been and you did a lip sync to wendy williams and it was so well maybe it was queens at christmas i don't remember but it was so, oh, maybe it was Queens at Christmas. I don't remember, but it was so fucking funny. And this is what I mean by like, you are so funny. People just don't give you enough fucking credit for it. Oh, thank you. I stan Wendy and I stan Lee Dawson.

Yeah. Oh, I love that you went to that show. That was so long ago. That's probably the most fun I've had. Oh, really? Like you were, honestly, it was one of, I enjoyed it so much. It was so funny and just like impressive. And then,

uh, Farrah was also on that show and she told a story and it was very fun to watch her try to tell a story because nobody told her that stories have to build. And there's like an ebb and flow to a story. They just said said get out there and talk and she went okay and i was like if just one person helped her this could have been a very good story anyway i enjoyed watching her it was very it's just please have her on she is just

a walking ball of entertainment she's so funny it was so funny to just watch. It was truly like, the story was like, I went outside and had a taco. And she was like, and then, so then she said, and the door opened. Because I opened it. And then it was just, it made me laugh. And I went with a bunch of comedians and they were so funny. And my friend Gabrus was like,

so that's all you have to do to be a drag queen? I can be a drag queen. And I was like, it's not all you have to do, Gabrus drag queen. I could be a drag queen. No, it's not all you have to do, Gay Bros. Also, if you write something dirty to me, hitting on me, I will read it. And you know what? I should have had one queued up and I don't. But hold on.

I'm going to find one. Okay. Someone said to me, hello, my little love, Piggy. I said it in an episode long, long ago. I was like, why does anyone call anyone Piggy as a pet name? It's because it's insulting, but I like it. I just want to say I'm super excited for the live show on Thursday.

Hi, Taylor. Taylor sent this to me. I want to challenge you to invite me over for your next live podcast and have me sit under your desk and eat that juicy pussy while you're podcasting. Taylor! Honestly, hot. Taylor's got the balls.

I mean, Taylor does have the balls. I don't think I could podcast while someone ate me out. Like, I think that would just be too difficult. I'm going to read one more. This is from Erica. Erica says, a post for your podcast. Love you. My coworker, Rodney, CPIC. Erica, I don't have my photos opened on Instagram,

so I can't see Rodney. So my coworker, Rodney, always be munching. He especially likes to munch on warm chocolate chip cookies straight out of the oven. He would like to cook up some cookie dough in your hot cooch and have you sit on his face after you call him a coochie monster and then she sent another one and it said my co-worker rodney also always be grilling he hopes one day to put his meat on your grill on your grill and then she sent another picture that i can't see this as reminder this is rodney i wonder if rodney's real. Oh my God, hot. I really, do they have a photo? No,

well, I can't open, so if you, it's like the Instagram, like allow other message. Yeah. So it's like, allow the message or whatever. But if you just like send a screenshot or something,

I think that goes through. I don't really know. I would show you, but I don't want her. Okay. Let's see. So you know how it's like it's like to see it won't let me see the photo or whatever grill though i love that vocab

right put that meat on the grill imagine my pussy was so hot you put your dick in me and it like had grill marks and then shriveled right off and then then you order it at a restaurant and put like, you know, some chimichurri on it and then they're like, kind of delicious. Kind of delectable. That sounds good. I'm so hungry. I want some chimichurri. I've never been to, there's this place called Wawa's.

Argentinian Grill on Melrose. Yes, there's one in Studio City as well. They have some really good chimichurri. It's like delicious. Is it the first place that you've had chimichurri? Yes. Because for me it was. And I was like, I want this by the jar. Yes. It was the absolute first place. I get

my nails done at Pampered Hands, which is like a couple steps away from it. Now people know. Whatever. I'm not getting my nails done now. They're nasty little grubbies. But I would go to Lala's after, and it would be fabulous. Oh, I love chimichurri. Me too.

I love anything green, and that's a sauce. Like, I'm a huge pesto fan. I'm a huge chimichurri fan. Ooh, pesto. I love it. Well, on that note, that's it. Okay. Bye-bye.

Bye-bye. Oh, yeah. Okay. I forgot. We're not done. I don't know why I can never remember. But, Naomi, would you date me? I usually ask all my guests when I can remember. But that was the... Okay. So, Naomi, would you date me?

Only if I can order you at a restaurant, Chimichurri, so Naomi, would you date me? Only if I can order you at a restaurant, chimichurri in Oklahoma. And when we get done with fucking, after I splooge, I can just roll over and say, you good? And pass out in your full butt. Honestly, because it's you,

I would allow it. I would be like, mm-hmm, yes. Yes, Naomi orders for me. Yes, Naomi, never you, I would allow it. I would be like, yes. Yes, Naomi orders for me. Yes, Naomi, never make sure I come. Naomi goes right to sleep. I love Naomi. So yes, I love it. Would you date me after hearing about it?

Absolutely. Yes. Okay. Because I think you're funny. I think you're adorable. I think you're talented. You seem like you got your shit together. You've been working on yourself.

And yeah, I would do it. But I have a feeling we would get together and you'd be like, Nicole, you don't have the parts that I want. And I'd be like, I know. We can mold. Okay, let's do it. Let's do it. I love a good start.

You heard it here first. I'm in a relationship with Naomi Smalls. You can call me Nicole Smalls. Thank you. You heard it here first. I'm in a relationship with Naomi Smalls. You can call me Nicole Smalls. Thank you.

I'm knocking my boobs against the mic. For those of you who can talk that audio. That's how you date me. Okay, that's it. Bye-bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date me with me nicole byer why won't you date me is produced and engineered by oh the sweetest woman i know marissa melnick it is executive produced by other wonderful people adam sacks joanna solo taroff and jeff ross thanks for listening i love you thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a treat. What a dream.

Okay. Hi, hi, hi. Thank you for listening to this episode. Just so you know, my special is now streaming on Netflix called BB bbw big beautiful weirdo and guess what you gotta watch it within the first 10 days because those numbers matter to netflix thank you i love you all uh yeah just play it on the background when you're doing your laundry or something this has been a team coco production