Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - The Opposite of a Meet-Cute (w/ Alice Wetterlund)

Episode Date: June 28, 2019

Alice Wetterlund (Girl Code, Treks and the City podcast) joins Nicole to discuss their Girl Code tour horror stories, talk about men who claim to have dated celebrities (we're talking about YOU, Moby) and Alice's newfound interest in butt stuff. Plus, Nicole shares details on her new book deal!You can email Nicole at [e-mail]. Nicole might respond if she's drunk.You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single. Even though if you tell me the only way you can come is by fucking the back of my knee, I would let you do it.

Ooh, baby, I'm running low on these. My guest today, you know her, you love her. She was in Mike and Dave Need Wedding Date, Silicon Valley. She was on People of Earth. People from Earth? People of Earth. People from Earth? People of Earth.

On TVS. Also, she got a special coming out on Amazon called I Am a Human, and so is my mama. My mama is a human, and so am I. It does not come out on August 11th, but that's the date I made up. Oh, and it's on Amazon. Oh, she's a friend. She was on Girl Code with me. We've toured together.

She's one of my favorite dang people. Alice Wutherland. Wutherland. Alice Wutherland. Yay. Hi. Thank you so much for having me. Do I say your last name correctly?

I don't care or know. Do I? Do I. How do you don't care, or know Do I? Do I How do you say it? You know what I mean? Wetterland Oh, Wetterland But it's

This is wild that I've known you for almost a decade And I'm now asking But it's okay You never have to say your friend's last name You're correct You know what I mean? Like it doesn't really I have friends that I don't know their last name

Oh That's AA stuff though Okay Well, Alice. Yes. I adore you. I love you so much. You're an inspiration to me.

You're so cool and beautiful and fucking a tour de force in comedy. And I'm so happy that I know you. I'm so happy that i know you i'm so happy that i know you it's funny because there was one time you were explaining like a bunch of disasters that happened in a row and i was like dang the hell can't be this unlucky and then we went on a tour together where they just didn't have a hotel room for you and then like something happened with the rental car and like they were just like oh no ma'am you don't get a car yeah and it was just you were like let's drive together and I was like oh yeah sure and then all these things happened and it was just then you had to

sleep in my hotel room on the pullout couch oh my god yeah it was really wild yeah I couldn't believe it they just looked at you and they're like, no, sorry. And nobody had a solution. That was like my girl code juju. That was how it was always with girl code. They were like, oh, and you're here too. And I was like, but I, what? I was hired at the same time. I remember once you were like, can I wear lashes? And they're like, no, it's my favorite. They're like, no, some people need to not wear lashes. And you're one of those people. I was like, what are you saying? So arbitrary and very strange. It's like, well, they were like, some people need to be of those people. I was like, what are you saying? So arbitrary and very strange. It's like,

well, they were like, some people need to be aspirational. And I was like, Ooh, that's smart. Alice, are you single right now?

You're not single right now. I'm not. And you're in a relationship. Finally, I'm in a relationship. In a, like a good, healthy one where you're happy.

Yes. And you've been together for like a year, year one? Yes. Where you're happy? Yes. And you've been together for a year? A year and a half. A year and a half? Yeah. Okay. So bored. Yeah. So bored. So bored. We started doing butt stuff. Yeah? Yes. It's great. Butt stuff to you? Butt stuff to him?

Well, I was first. Okay. And then we were going to see what happens because I was like, you know, if I do this, I don't want to be like closed off forever from your back door. Okay. Because he's got a cute little back door and I want to see what's up. I like that a year and a half in, you were like, you know what?

Let's go behind each other and really support each other. Let's sneak up. Where did you guys meet? Do you mind? Yes. I don't mind. No. Yes. It is a secret. Do you mind? Yes, I don't mind. Do you mind? No. Yes. It is a secret.

Do you mind? Yes, I do. Yes, I do. No one can know. But they can know we're doing butt stuff. Wouldn't that be weird? I met him on the baseball field. He is a pitcher. He pitches baseballs at

me. So, okay. We have... I played baseball ever since I moved to LA in these like random leagues and stuff. And I joined this league and he was on another team and I first noticed him because he had this dog who just was so lovely and would just like every, after the games, people let their dogs around and he would run around with this dog and they'd both be jumping. And it was so like, I was like, ooh, I love this energy.

Like joyful. Joyful, and I was like, this is good energy. I like it. Then one time, I was bragging about how strong my legs are, and you know me. I was like, oh, I could crush a man's skull with my legs. He was right there, and he turns to me, and he has a super low, deep voice, and he goes, I'd like you to crush my skull with your legs. And I was like, oh my goodness, Garrett. And I just, at that moment, I kind of noticed him, you know, and I was like, okay.

And then, yeah, I just had a crush on him and things proceeded from there. Who asked out? Who? Oh, me. All me. I'm never going to date anybody who asks me out. What? Ever.

Oh. Because it's not my vibe. I'm never going to date anybody who asks me out. What? Ever. Oh. Because it's not my vibe. I don't like... Okay. I like people who just succumb to my will, and I don't want to be the person... I don't want to... If a guy asks you out, it's almost like suspect to me. Mm-hmm. You know what I mean? Like, they'll be like, so... And I'm like, it's over. I can't...

Interesting. I don't know. There's something about, do you know what I mean? I don't know. Yes. I like being the aggressor. And then when I'm the aggressive, it feels very strange. Yeah. But I'm trying to lean into being okay with being the aggressive.

Well, there's times, okay, with my relationship, I was the aggressor. I was like, you can take me to Olive Garden, whatever. Just do it. Where? In Burbank? I was like hoping, you know. whatever just do it where in burbank i was like hoping you know but ended up being that um our first date was we were gonna go see that movie the snowman so that places are the snowman it was it's a movie it looked like a i was i thought it was so funny because it like it was a like a danish

thriller and it was like um you said it like everyone would know it and then you said a danish thriller okay but you know how there was like a series of like the danish thriller and it was like You said it like everyone would know it and then you said a Danish thriller. Okay, but you know how there was like a series of like the Danish thriller and there was like Netflix and

all these places would have like Danish thrillers? Not Danish and Swedish like Nordic detective shows. Yeah, okay. No.

The Killing is based on one. Oh, I've never seen The Killing. Well, you know what it is though. Is that with Kevin Bacon? No, it's with some people that you don't know. Oh, I've never seen the killing. Well, you know what it is, though. Is that with Kevin Bacon? No, it's with some people. Sandra Oh?

You don't know. No, but it's similar. Whatever. It's a thriller. Anyway, we saw these posters for The Snowman, and it was a snowman. And it's supposed to be a thriller, but it's like literally the poster was like a snowman. And is it a snowman that murders? It ended up being that people's bodies were buried inside of a snowman.

And I was like, that's so funny. That's hilarious. That's a big-ass snowman, unless you're grinding up people. Well, it was like a snowman, and then they took off the regular snowman head, and it was a person head. Alice, this is the wildest movie I've ever heard of. Well, that's why I was thinking, like, let's go see this movie. Because, of course, it was like dating. I was like, let's see this movie as a bit.

We never, like, we couldn't find a time when we were both together and in town. And so the night we were going to go see it, he was like, I actually got Lakers courtside tickets, so I can't go. And I was like, first off, fuck off. And I was like, do not. I do not. I'm not getting into a thing with some dude who's putting sports above me. This is our first date. And then everybody I talked to was like, you not. I do not. I'm not getting into a thing with some dude who's putting sports above me. This is our first date. And then everybody I talked to was like, you're single.

He's nice. Calm down. And so I was like, all right, whatever. Come over after your game and we'll just hang out and see what happens. He came over and was immediately like, he just walks right in and like pushes me up against the wall and he's like, boom. And I was like, oh, okay. So that was a role reversal.

And he was so aggressive. And his voice is so deep. And I was like, ooh, I like this. And then I was like, by the way, I actually want to date you, though. You don't have to just like. He thought of me as this really intimidating. And he was like, I guess she just wants to fuck. And I was like, cool. So after you finished fucking you finish he was ready to just like be like my boy toy and i we didn't fuck i was just

like no i want to date like get to know you oh yeah oh i understand like i'm down for whatever why he thought you just wanted to fuck right whatever come over after the game yeah of course insinuates that i'm just down to fuck yeah but I also was like very into that idea like somebody coming a guy every woman I think who's single is like yeah if I can't find a boyfriend I at least want somebody

who is good at fucking to come over be nice to me and then fucking leave leave leave leave and then don't play games with me just when you want to fuck text me and when i want to fuck i'll text you and it's fine that would be nice never happens oh no it never happens like that also i feel like you have to really work at detaching uh i like had a this dude i was doing shit with uh on and off for like three years and i worked

very hard to detach myself from him. And then sometimes I'd catch myself slipping and being like, well, like maybe I will change him. Yeah. And then my feelings would get hurt. And then it'd be a whole cycle of me being like, no,

we're just fucking. It's okay. Do I know this guy? Probably. Okay. Well, no, because we talked,

we've done a lot of talking. Yes, we've talked extensively about relationships and dating. Are you a serial? I feel like you're a serial monogamist. I am. I am. I would love to be. I just don't know how to get into the game of that. Look who's calling us.

Oh, Equinox. Why? I don't know. Answer. Should I? Yeah, put on a speaker. Hello? Hi, is this Alice?

Yeah, this is her. Hi, Alice. This is Amanda calling from the spot at Equinox. How are you? Oh, hi. How's it going? Good. I was just calling to confirm your appointment at 3 p.m. with Gerald.

Does that feel good for you? Sure. On Thursday. Do you think I'll be able to get... I think so. Oh, it's Thursday. Yeah, Thursday's great. Yeah.

Okay, great. I will put you down as confirmed. Okay, wonderful. Thank you. Say hi to Nicole Byer. Are you a fan of Nicole Byer? I don't know Nicole Byer. Oh, well, that's a huge mistake.

Oh, it's fine. You're on her podcast right now. Thank you for calling, though. Have a good day. Google Nicole. Okay, bye. calling, though. Google me. Have a good day. Google Nicole. Okay, bye. Okay, bye. I honestly was surprised.

I was like, how do you work in LA and you don't know Nicole? So many people don't know me. I could have listed credits, but whatever. I never go, you know who I am, right? Except for this one time. So, okay, I have a book deal. Spoiler. Well, I can talk about it. I don't know if it's been in. It hasn't been in. I can talk about time so okay I have a book deal spoiler well I can talk about it I don't know if it's been in it

hasn't been in I can talk about it so I have a book deal I'm writing a book called hashtag very fat very brave the fat girl's guide to being brave and not suicidal in a bikini so it's just a simple title it's just easy it rolls off the tongue you know I can't wait to see that long long long, long, long hashtag.

But it's a self-help book with no actual real help in it. It'll be like things you could do in a bikini. One of them I wrote is wave at a giraffe. So now I have to go find a giraffe and take a picture in a bikini next to it. Honestly, I really set myself up for failure. But there's this ATV place in Palm Springs. Yeah. And we get there and I was like, I don't want to call ahead because I don't want to pay

crazy amounts of money to take pictures places. So we get there and I was like, hey, can I just take a picture on your ATV out front? And he's like, personal or professional? And I was like, professional. and I should have said personal he went no sorry you got to call Linda or whatever her name is and uh she arranges it and it's like days in advance and I said well can I just have like Linda's number and call her now he was like yeah but I don't think it's gonna happen for you and I was like cool dude so I call Linda and then Linda's like well uh we have to like close it so you can like take the pictures and be safe.

And I was like, I don't even need dust or anything. I just need to sit on it. You need to be safe. And she was like, OK, well, I need to talk to someone. And I was like, I'm a comedian. I host a show on Netflix called Nailed It. And she was like, never heard of it one day. And I was like, OK.

I was on a show called Girl Code. And she's like, girl who? And I was like, OK. Oh, shit. You're like, I'm a Delta double diamond medallion. I was on a show called Girl Code and she's like, girl who? And I was like, okay. Oh, shit. You're like, I'm a Delta double diamond medallion. Yeah, I'm a diamond medallion on Delta and I found a piece of shit in my blanket once. And she's like, that I've heard about. But it was just a bunch of things and she was like, I don't know you.

I was like, okay. Oh, she knows too. But then we hung up and I was like, oh, I don't know if this is going to work out. And then she called back because I think she Googled me and then was like, sure, you can take the pictures. Just post about it. And then she said something else that I have to do, but she still hasn't asked me to do it yet. Nice. And I don't know if I should call her and be like, do you want me to do this one thing you asked me to do?

But I don't think I'm going to. You're a good person. I don't think I'm going. You don't need to be that good of a person. I don't think I need to do that one day ever. No, that's on her. That's on her. But the picture's pretty good. That's awesome. And I'm going. You don't need to be that good of a person. I don't think I need to do that one day ever. No, that's on her. That's on her. But the picture's pretty good.

That's awesome. And I'm pretty pleased with it. And I'll tell you something. So I pitched it with 75 pictures. That means I need 75 bikinis. Oh, different bikinis. Yes. And then you can't wear the same hair and shoes in every picture.

So now your friend has bought so many pairs of shoes that she's never going to wear again. Honey, those are a write off. Oh, fuck. So I should use my company. You should go right ahead and you should buy as many shoes as you need because tax time is coming. Tax time is a coming. Every goddamn year. I paid $19,000 this year.

What? This past year. Yeah. All that money I made in Canada from people of Earth, like we were supposed to get a credit back because you pay taxes in Canada. Yes. So people think you make all this money from TV. Well, actually, all the actors pay for those tax subsidies.

So I paid my own housing. I paid my own thing. And then I get back. And we're like, here's your taxes that you paid. And you're going to get a credit for these. And then I get the opposite of a credit somehow. You have to pay? So weird.

I last year overpaid and then got back money. But all of this stuff ends up being my fault. And I look at it and I'm like, how could this possibly? And then they're like, here, remember this email? And then that and then that and then that and then that and I'm like, you know what? I am fully on board with my choices. Taxes are so hard.

I'm going to figure it out this year. I'm finally getting top of my finances. I'm trying to started taking vivance so i've been a little bit better about it i was on vivance you were but you didn't like it i didn't know i had hallucinations that's what some people say yeah which uh scares me but i it never worked for me i was on the i was on the minimum adolescent dose and i had to cut it in half and I still had hallucinations. So it was never good. What kind of hallucinations? Not fun ones?

Like, like I'd see patterns in wallpaper that would start to like animate and like bother me and then, yeah. And then become like very embedded in my mind in this way. It was really disturbing. Yeah. And I would see people walking down the street smiling at me as very sinister, like of those movies uh-huh it was no good oh have you ever seen truth or dare no but it I imagine that's where I was at the people once they get like possessed have a weird smile that's exactly what yeah really funny yes but I would imagine scary in real life yeah scary

I haven't been taking my medicine because I've been working on something and for for whatever reason, well, it gives me a little bit of dry mouth. And then in the beginning of the day, I'm like, we just have to get through this copy. So, like, I can't take it and be like. So, hi, I'm Nicole. You're not working on an ASMR video. No. No, unfortunately, I'm not. But I could.

I could be an ASMR video. No. No, unfortunately I'm not. But I could. I could be an ASMR person. ASMR. I'm just going to rub the mic a little bit. Scoot-a-ba-da-ba-bo, scoot-a-ba-da-ba-da-ba. I think I'd be so bad at ASMR. You'd be great. You're already picking it up. I don't think anyone would like it. Tap-a-dee-tap-tap. Tap-a-dee-tap-tap. You have nails

though. Mine's just a low thrum. So, I bought a house Alice congratulations Again I want to thank you Because you're my inspiration For so many things that I do I'm so happy for you

And when you bought your house I was like oh my god Girlcode's buying houses now And I was like You know I always thought Oh I was never going to be able to have my finances together you can put like three percent down and buy a house you sure can you can put like sixty dollars down you sure can you can literally put a wish in a skittle down

and they'll give it to you so I got my credit together in the last couple years and I did it and now I have a house Alice I'm so. I'm so happy and proud of you. Thank you. It's hard. It's hard. Creative people have a hard time getting a lot of shit together. And then to buy a house, you have to get a lot of shit together. You do.

Endless shit. Yes. And the best part I got to say to you and your listeners was I always thought I'm going to be alone forever. You know, after I got a divorce, we talked about this so much. But I was like, I'll be alone forever, whatever. You got a divorce we talked about this so much but I was like I'll be alone forever whatever

you know kind of just melancholy about it and I was like you know I'll probably end up buying a house by myself without a man and a kid or whatever which I thought I needed

to be happy and then when push came to shove and I signed those documents my favorite part was when it was like here's the document you signed where it says

you're an unmarried woman they really drive it home it is like Nicole here's the document you sign where it says you're an unmarried woman. They really drive it home. It is like Nicole Byer. And you're single, and you're single, and you're single, and you're single. Nobody loves you today, and nobody loves you yesterday. But I was like, oh my God, this is the best. I was like, this is mine. And my boyfriend, and then I did get into a relationship.

My boyfriend came over to my house, my new house, and he was like, wow, I can't explain it, but I really am going to miss my neighborhood that I live in now when I move in here. And I was like, what is we shit? I don't think so. Did I ask you to move? I'm loving it. You found a man who's not

intimidated by the fact that you bought a house. It's hard. Like a dude who walked in and went, this is dope as fuck and I can't wait to get in it well he might be intimidated by it but he's too afraid of me to tell me and that's the right thing that's great

I love that can we talk about your divorce is that okay of course first let's take a break yes ooh hot dang we're back that was a good break cause your ex-husband Ooh, hot day. We're back. We're back. That was a good break.

That was a good break. I'm so refreshed. Okay, so, because your ex-husband also talks about your divorce. Also... We're both trying to make our money back from the wedding. We both need it. That's a very good joke. Is it in your special?

Might be, yeah. It's something like that. And you're also friends still yeah which is like very very cool um and it was very funny the first time i saw him perform he was like yeah going through a divorce and my ex-wife is dating an improviser and i laughed too hard i laughed so hard no i didn't know it was you I laughed super hard because I was like yeah that sucks that she left you for a dude

who makes zero money and uh he made negative money yeah truly who's like in full debt taking improv classes which is a class you pay

to do nothing to like make things up and then I was telling you about this joke I was like I saw this guy who's like super funny and I told you the joke

and you went that's my ex-husband and I was like that's funny it funny and I told you the joke and you went, that's my ex-husband. And I was like, that's funny. It was me. It was you alone. And I was dating an improviser. Wow.

A very sweet one. A very sweet one. May he rest. He's alive. He's fine. R.I.P. To the relationship. Yes.

So you dated your ex-husband for how long before you got married? A year. A year. And then you were married for? Like two years. Oh, okay. And then you were married for? Like two years. Oh, okay. And then may I ask, what was the demise? Well, I think we both, he and I both agree that we got married for not the right reasons,

like very bachelorette reasons, you know? Like when people are on that show, they're like, I'm not here for the right reasons, or she's not here for the right reasons. And the reasons to go on that show is to get famous. So if everybody's not there to get famous, they're there for the wrong reason. They're there for the absolute wrong reason. And we were in it kind of to be like, oh, people who are married have it together. And we need to be those people.

And we both kind of like unspeakingly formed this pact to be like, I will help you if you help me. It was almost like, I mean, we loved each other very much, but there was this other element of it where it was like, why isn't life coming together for us? Okay, let's get married and figure it out. And then we got married and we lived together and we were just like, huh, this isn't working. We didn't really, things aren't coming together.

And it was hard for him and he was in this position this isn't working. Like we didn't really, things aren't coming together, you know? And he, it was hard for him. And he was in this position where it was like, I was doing better than him for some of our relationship. And then he got a job that he, his dream job. And then that was a whole mind fuck for like him to be, I don't know.

There was a lot of career stuff involved. And like the crazy thing about it was that when we decided to end it like even months just two months after it felt like we were gonna be okay because I remember people coming to me and being like Andy's talking about you you know Andy's doing stuff he said about you I was like really that's awesome yeah and like I told him that you know and he we were both so supportive for each other's careers even two months after we broke up and it was like that I think was a gift that I'm really fucking so grateful to have I feel like you had the healthiest breakup I've ever heard of definitely

the healthiest breakup maybe not the healthiest marriage but the health because I feel like you also like tweeted each other sometimes. Yeah. Like, it's just really nice that, because whenever I think about dating and, like, not seeing someone ever again, I'm like, so I'm going to date someone for, like, an amount of time that's longer than a week, and then if we break up, I'm never going to see that person again? That feels so insane. It's fucked up. Because it's like you make a connection. Yeah.

And then they don't ever talk again? Like, we can't be friends? It's so insane. It's fucked up. Because it's like you make a connection. Yeah. And then they don't ever talk again? Like we can't be friends? It's so intense. But then I fully also understand like, oh, I can't be friends with this person. I loved them too much. Well, and I think we felt like, I mean, there was a period where we just didn't, you know, but like, and he was, he was angry and I was angry and we were both heartbroken. But like, I think that that piece of us being supportive

for each other like even through how much we were mad at each other or whatever was like a little little sign of hope that it was going to be okay and now we're just in each other's corner and we're just like we know each other really well we both like talk to each other about who we're dating and everything we give each other advice and it's like really cool so I like that it's amazing because cool. I like that so much. Because he's also like a good person. He's a good dude. And then you're both comics.

So you have, you know, like the same friends essentially. And it's nice that you guys didn't make anyone have to choose a side. Yeah. I mean, they would have chosen me. So that would have been shitty. Oh, absolutely. And he knows that. So I think that's why.

I called you toots. You called me toots. I don't know if that's a thing. Do people call you toots? I fart a lot. So it's fine. I'm very, very I think that's why. I called you toots. You called me toots. I don't know if that's a thing. Do people call you toots? I fart a lot, so it's fine. I'm very, very, any amount of dairy. It's just like boom, boom, boom. I like you so much.

I like you so much, too. Were you ever on the apps? Yes. I was on Raya. Oh. And I had a joke about it, and it didn't, well, it did, but I could never do it because people didn't really get it. But I was at Raya, I was on Raya, and I was like, now more people are on Raya so they understand.

But they're like, Raya sucks because it's just like a, it's like a game on your phone where the end of the game is just Moby. Like, and nobody, and some people laugh, but I was like, it's true. Like, basically, you'd be swiping on Raya, and you'd know when you ran out of new people when you'd get to Moby. And then you'd have to refresh. Very funny. And now it's like people are starting to understand that Moby sucks. Well, now, yes, because Moby said he dated Natalie Portman. This man did not.

This bald-headed man. Stood in a room. Stood in a room with this woman and maybe hit on her a couple times. Also, the picture he posted to prove it, she looks not happy to be there. It's like a strained smile. And then I was like, oh, how. And then I have a friend who said that there have been gentlemen who have said that they've dated when they hadn't dated. And I was like, this is a phenomenon that I think pretty girls go through.

I don't think anyone's ever said that they've dated me until the other day. So this job I'm on, I have a dedicated PA who brings me to set because I can't be trusted to make it to set on time. What a good thing to do. to make it to set on time. What a good thing to do. But she walks me to set, and she was like,

oh, you dated a friend of my friend. And I was like, who? I know everyone I've dated. And guess what? There's like six people that I've actually dated and had like, you know, I mean, I fucked a bunch of people, and I was like,

oh, maybe I fucked this person. She was like, his name's Louie. And I was like, I've never fucked a Louie. she was like his name's Louie and I was like I've never fucked a Louie I was like who's Louie and then she got a picture from her friend and I was like I've never met this man before

we've never talked I've never seen him before but Louie don't tell people we dated Louie if you're out there and we honestly at this point we know you are We don't people we dated. Louis, if you're out there and we, honestly, honestly.

Honestly? Honestly, at this point, we know you are. And you're spreading. And you got us fucked up because you didn't date Nicole. No. And I get it. She's a huge status piece that you want to add to your little gauntlet or whatever you call it. Is it a belt?

A notches on your bed post? You think it's a notch on your bed post louis it is not and we everybody knows it which is a funny phrase because that means some man one day was like you know what i do to count chicks i take my knife out and i just put a little notch in my bed post is that guy does he have like short-term memory loss like why is he okay he wears a lot of bangles. I think he looks like Johnny Depp. Everyone else has a book. Yeah, just write it down in a book. He's like, I don't read. I don't write. I just have my knife.

My knife and my dick. It's the kind of guy when you can't find a pen, you have a knife. And that's good enough. I have met a couple gentlemen who carry knives around and I am even more attracted to them. Oh, okay. So you're still there.

I once got finger blasted in a bathroom by a dude who had a knife, and I had Coke, so then we did some Coke off his knife, and then he blasted me to Mars. Now he's got a kid. Oh, well, congrats. Yeah, congrats to him. He sewed every wild out. Mm-hmm. I have had a lot of gentlemen in my life who I've hooked up with come back into my life in a very weird way.

So I did an episode. I was doing a live podcast episode in New York, and I hadn't tweeted about it. I hadn't said anything about it. podcast episode in New York and I hadn't tweeted about it I hadn't said anything about it and I look into the crowd and there's this face of a man I used to fuck like 10 years ago grinning at me wow and his friend is like pointing to him and I was like oh I can't ignore this oh so I was like uh and here's a man I fucked 10 years ago and then he started walking towards me and I was like well I guess this is happening oh my god I don't know if the episode will ever be released it might just stay in the vault but um so I I was

like okay how are you and he was like I'm fine I'm fine I was like okay uh so I guess you still live in New York he said I do I said so we fucked what like two times three times he's like four times I was like okay I said how how was my pussy and he's like oh good you got that good pussy I was like okay and as this conversation is happening there is a darling lovely black woman in the corner with the biggest eyes and she's covering her mouth in like horror I think this is like her worst nightmare just happening in front of her yes and then I was like so why didn't we date and he said well you know you were never really around I think this is like her worst nightmare just happening in front of her. And then I was like, so why didn't we date?

And he said, well, you know, you were never really around. You started doing UCB and you started doing stand up and then you moved to L.A. And I was like, you really kept up with me. And he's like, what can I say? And I was like, I don't know anything besides that. Like and then we exchanged numbers and he's like, well see you tonight and I was like uh I guess so so then we exchanged numbers and then I texted him

I was like I leave tomorrow so like I'm going to dinner with a friend I'll be done around 11 that's me saying if you want to do something I'm done after 11 no text from him and I said I'm not sweating this I don't care I've already fucked you and you're like

a little bloated not to be rude but you know you look a little different you know 10 years has really aged you and he's still very he's still an attractive person

so then I like get on a plane get back to LA then he texts me he's like hey so what's good today and I was like oh I'm back in LA

and he was like quite clear when I was leaving he was confused he said what he said you were going to dinner last night and I said yeah but I was done at and he was like quite clear when I was leaving he was confused he said what he said you were going to dinner last night I said yeah but I was done at 11 he was like yeah but you didn't text me and I didn't know how to be like I'm not chasing you I don't I've already I'm not chasing I don't want like I've already said my piece I'm done chasing men so that girl in the audience that you were mentioned I thought she was going to come around

and that was his wife or something oh no no no, no, no. This was just a woman who was horrified. Okay. I've never seen a person more upset looking at something happen in front of them. And then what? So his excuse for not dating you was that you had the rest of your life after you dated. Like I told him. Yeah. Well, what happened was time had passed.

Time had passed. You were living your life. You were thriving. And you thrived. And I did not. Wait, that's so confusing. Like, that's so not specific enough. Very confusing.

It's not specific enough. And then also, fun fact, the place where I had dinner, he walked in. And I just chose not to say anything. Because I was like, I just need this to end. This is like the opposite of a meat cute. It's a meat nightmare. It's a meat ugly. it's a meat ugly it's a meat ugly and then he was like at the bar and I said to my friend I was like there he is and she looked around she's like I cannot believe it he basically looks the same because she it was my old roommate uh she's like this is so nuts she's like we have to

get out of here so we like finished our food and snuck away i just was i i didn't i just didn't want to deal with what that whole night would entail yeah because i was like i would rather have dinner with my friend have drinks with my friend and then if he texted me at like 11 30 midnight right then a quick little fuck at the hotel i was staying at yeah and then he has to come to you yeah i was like'm not going, I'm not fucking you in your house. I don't know where you live. It never works out. Because you guys came to my house.

I fucked him on a mattress on the floor and I fucked him on a futon. And then maybe I had a bed the third time. Who knows? Oh, I love a futon. A futon sex is hard sex. I like that. Well, because it's not really stable. I don't need extra bounce.

You know, because it's there. I don't like the equilibrium changing. My bed is very firm. Oh, say that. Where did you get your bed from? I got it from Kitsa. Kitsa. It's a organic biodegradable mattress company.

You know me. I'm not surprised. No, I don't. I love that. I don't throw anything away. You're a very granola person. I'm very granola-y. And fun fact, I had granola for the first time five days ago.

Really? And I'll tell you something. Are you okay? Tasty. Yeah? Where'd you have it? At this job I'm working on. They had granola at craft day, and they had it in my dressing room. And I was like, hmm, I've never put granola in my mouth.

I think I'll taste it today. And I put it in my mouth, and I said, whoa, these crunchums are fun. Delicious crunchums. And then they brought me different granola and I didn't like that granola. I liked the first granola. And then I found out that it's called first choice vanilla, French vanilla granola, and you get it at Smart and Final. So I'm a cheap gal.

I like cheap granola. Because it's sugary and delicious. Well, maybe that's why. Yeah. Sometimes, but sometimes it's also just the flavors they put in it. Sometimes it's too fruity, too sour, whatever. There's a lot of different granola out there. It's a big world.

Have you ever had a shredded pillow? It's wheat. It's a wheat pillow. Oh, yes. And then you put it in the milk and then it's shredded? Yeah. I don't like that. Oh, I like that.

You like it? Yeah. My mom used to serve them for dinner sometimes when I was growing up. Yeah. And you would just eat these? Yeah, we had shredded wheats for dinner? Yeah. My mom used to serve them for dinner sometimes when I was growing up. Yeah. And you would just eat these? Yeah, we had shredded wheats for dinner. Yeah. With milk or just shredded wheats?

Oh, with milk. Yeah. Oh, okay. That was a good source of nutrition. I'm not a fan of them. It tasted too much like hay. Have you ever had hay in your mouth? I know I liked that about it.

I liked being a little, I wanted to be a little cow or a little goat or something like that. Here's a question. Yes. So you were only on Raya? Or were you on Bumble? Yeah, I was on Raya and Bumble. I don't think I was on Tinder. Just the Raya and Bumble, yeah.

Did you go out on any dates? Yeah, I did. I did. I went out on several dates. And yeah, I was just talking about them yesterday with somebody. The dates that I went on, I'm very grateful to the dudes because one of the dudes I really liked. And I was, like, very convinced that I wanted to date him. And he did not waste my time at all.

We went on one date. He declined to make out with me at the end of the date. Like, I tried to make out with him. We started kissing. And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I really like this. Yeah. And I was like, oh.

And I was, like, trying to get close to him and stuff. And then he was like, okay, that's over. And then he was like, see you soon or whatever. And I like left. And then he never texted me again. And I was like, OK. I was very upset. You know, got in my feelings about it.

But looking back, I'm like, thank you, dude, for not fucking stringing me along or trying to continuously fuck me but ignore me or whatever. Or like at least if you wanted to do those things to communicate to me. Like he didn't want anything to do with me. I wonder why. And it was that. That was fine. So you had like a full ass date and then you went back to his place. No the date was at his place. So I was like good we're gonna. Well he

had like a broken leg at the time. Oh my god. He was so cute. But like it was totally it was I don't know. I was so appreciative of the, like, it was totally, it was, I don't know. I was so appreciative of the fact that he was, like, if you want to have a no-strings-attached sex thing, you've got to be respectful and you've got to be communicative. And he was not about that. He was not about to be, like, let's communicate. I could tell.

You know, he had a skateboard, right? So it was, like, clear that he was not going to be above board. So a skateboard and a broken leg and you said, I'm quivering. Oh, I was. Oh my God. I constantly find myself

attracted to men that I'm like, this won't end well. Yeah. This man does not have anything together. I had this one dude we like stopped dating

and he fully was like, I'm broken and I'm in therapy and I'm in a bad situation and I really don't think you should talk to me and fully was like I'm broken and I'm in therapy and I'm in a bad situation and I really don't think you should talk to me and I was like but I'm gonna continue um I'm gonna really persevere and then you turn into like a Hanna-Barbera or whatever like with your heart pounding and you're just like oh my god I am literally those memes where it's like I'm emotionally available and he's not and I want it.

I don't know. I can't describe a meme. It took me so long to get to the point where I was attracted to somebody who was healthy for me. And then the first time it happened, I was just like, well, you're it. And then I'm just dating him now still. Well, I'm trying to work through it in therapy. Nice. I didn't know I had daddy issues until a little bit ago.

And then I was like oh we all do i uh i go after men who are withholding uh who won't tell me how they feel and then i chase that yes and then uh being ignored i like to yes to really overcompensate and be like look at me and i'm trying so hard to uh i have a friend whose mother says men will tell you the truth that's and you have to take what they say as the truth that's true so if he's not texting you back that's the truth he doesn't want to text you back yes if he's not calling you he doesn't want to be calling you and we choose to ignore it for a really long time and if he says i'm not really ready for commitment you going but i can make you ready you're now you're lying to yourself because you already told you he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship with you

and you got to go away and then they can make a choice whether to be in a relationship with you or not and that is so hard it's so hard also i've been pole dancing so like my arm kind of hurts and i've also been masturbating very hard so like i'm not giving my arm a break i'm like in pain all the time now well you're working out i'm working out and i'm working out speaking of you masturbating yes um this is something i wanted to bring up my My boyfriend's sister works at a company called Fun Factory. Okay. And have you heard of it? No.

It's a premier, like it's a prestige vibrator company. And they have offered and reached out basically to me to get to you. Oh. Saying they want to give you any vibrator of your choice because they're fans of you. All of them. So you can go online and browse their site, Fun Factory. It's a German based company and their shit is, I can recommend you some. Okay.

Their shit is legit. I have three of their products. I want something. And I'm not even a vibrator person. I want something that fucks me and I don't have to do the work. Okay. But I feel like that's like a whole machine mechanism thing that I've seen in porn. Like a fuck machine.

And that I don't need in my house. How would I ever restore it? Like you don't want to have to use your whole arm. Yeah. Right? My arms hurt. I get that too. No, I just want pants I can put on.

That would be nice. Doing other things. And then all of a sudden, you know, you don't even choose when it happens. Ooh, that would be really cool. I give out an email on lots, it's bacon, bacon, like the pork product. Yes. Some people think it's bacon, like I'm bacon. No.

It's bacontheporkproduct at, no, bacontheporkproduct, no. It's just baconcansave at gmail.com. Bacon can save. If you email me there, I see it. Sometimes I respond. If I get drunk enough, I'll respond. just bacon can save at gmail.com bacon can save if you email me there i see it uh sometimes i respond if i get drunk enough i'll respond this one lady i wrote back it was a long rambling email and i feel like i should be like i'm so sorry um i was very drunk but yeah she should know she should there's no there was no punctuation you've advertised clearly no punctuation. You've advertised clearly what that email is about. Truly no punctuation. But this girl sent me a link to this, it's like a saddle with a dick on it, like a dildo on it.

And then you ride it. And I said, okay. Yeah. I think I want that because I do enjoy Woman on Top now that I've learned how to do it. Aw. But it's like $600. And I was like, I don't think I can spend that kind of money on a sex toy. That sounds like a ripoff.

Right? That sounds crazy. Right? You're going to sell me a saddle with a dildo that kind of moves around and charge me $600? I could just go to a stable. Right. Like a massage chair. You know what I mean?

Yes. Go to Sharper Image and see what else. You know what I mean? Compare prices. I don't feel like that's price competitive. Anyway, I have some recommendations. We'll go to Fun Factory. And for your listeners, I'm not supposed to be advertising it on your show.

I just think it's a great company. You can. Doesn't matter. It's a great company. I advertise a lot of things. They're very pro. I talk about things that don't give me money. It's great.

Well, this one is giving you money in the form of a very. In the form of a vibrator. Very high quality vibrator. Also. They have this one with two, basically it looks like a duck with two, like a tulip. Uh-huh. And then it vibrates and then the tulip petals sort of, you know, and really a lot. Oh.

And that is the good thing. Interesting. That's a good thing. I have a little G-spot dude that I love. I have a whole, maybe I got to switch it up. I do like the same thing. Yeah. I use my Hitachi Magic Wand.

Okay. Cordless. I can't be tethered to a wall. Are you kidding? Well, that's, some people, the strength, they need the stronger thing that's tethered to the wall. Well, I think mine is pretty strong. Well, that's great.

It's just a cordless one. I think some people need the cord because that's just the strongest you can possibly get. Oh, is it? So mine is not as strong as the corded one? Yeah, I think that's true. Dang. I mean, I do make things up all the time. Hey, I make things up all the time, too.

Oh, that's why I love you. I was trying to tell John about abortion laws in Ireland I was like John John Millhiser's my roommate I was like John so like abortion is illegal in Ireland so like if a woman has like a baby die inside of her she still has to give birth and then John goes huh really you think that you think uh you think a woman has to give birth to a dead baby and I went oh I don't know I think am I wrong am I wrong he's like do you think dead babies has to give birth to a dead baby? And I went, oh, I don't know. I think, am I wrong? Am I wrong? He's like, do you think dead babies keep growing? And I was like, oh, I guess no. Now that you're saying it like this, no.

But I said it with such confidence. Yeah, always. I say stuff with enough confidence in my voice. Like this whole thing about vibrator. And I don't know. I don't know. I don't know either. I'm not an expert.

But I use that. And then I use my little G-spot doodad. And listeners, wash your vibrators. Who is not washing their vibrators? Some people don't wash them. I went to the gynecologist, and she goes, do you use sex? She was like, do you have partners? And I said, yes, but not right now.

Nobody wants me. I have a whole podcast about it. If you'd like to take a listen, it's on the HeadGum Network. And she said, I'm not really in the market for a new one. And I said, okay. Because it was a new doctor, so I had to tell her my whole deal. Of course. And then she was like, do you use sex toys?

I said, absolutely. And she was like, are you washing them? And I said, yes. I use the, like, sex toy cleaner. And then I use, like, actual soap and water every time I use it. And she goes, good. And I was like, what do you mean? She was like, some people don't wash them.

She's like, some people just rinse them off or don't wash them. And I said, ew, that's disgusting. Your patients are gross and I don't like them. And she was like, some people don't wash them. She's like, some people just rinse them off or don't wash them. And I said, ew, that's disgusting. Your patients are gross and I don't like them. And she was like, hey, don't do that. That's crazy. Why would you not wash? Like it's like maybe people don't have like the kind that are easy to wash. But I have the silicone ones that are like basically you can throw them in the dishwasher.

Mine I can't throw in the dishwasher. But I interviewed the show. It's called Search History. It's Sundays at 11. We might be taking a hiatus because interviewed the show I call it's called Search History it's Sundays at 11 we might be taking a hiatus because everyone's working but it's at UCB so I was doing the show

I was going through this guy's search history and he was a doctor and I said an ER doctor and I said what's the craziest thing you've seen in an ER

and he was like women who've had tampons shoved inside of them for days and I was like days? days? yeah days?

days! if I lost a tampon I, I would have someone fish it out. Or I would just go to the hospital. You're so much more organized than I am because I don't remember the last time I put or took out a tampon. So it's just like you put one in and you're like, you got to feel around in there. And that's what I do because I've had it happen. How many days have you had a tampon stuck inside you? Like a day.

Alice. Yeah, it sucks. Alice. It sucks. I use a Diva Cup. Oh, I hate those things. Well, sometimes it spills and it's a real big mess. I like the concept.

My favorite thing about a Diva Cup, probably unpopular opinion, is that sometimes taking taking it out your hand gets covered in blood and then you just walk out of the bathroom like you've had a miscarriage and you're like hey and your hand is just like red and you're like how's it going and people are like no but um but but i don't like the feeling i don't like how it feels it's a weird feeling inside that you have to get used to also every time i sleep with one it like spills it runneth over runneth over honestly being a woman is really hard and really stupid and i don't like it it's i love it for a lot of reasons that don't have to do the biology but i just it's just like why haven't we eradicated hpv it's because it really only affects ladies right and. And men are carriers.

And it's like, so also, okay, I just learned that the Gardasil shot is approved for men, but nobody advertises it like that. They don't say that men can get this shot. And also,

it doesn't protect you against every strain of HPV. I'm in this bubble where I feel like Elizabeth Warren is going to fix all these things right now. You're in a huge bubble. Very fucked up. I like Elizabeth Warren, but I don't know if she's going to get the...

And also, even if she does, she's not going to fix this shit. The nomination. The nomination. The nomination. The nomination. We have, what, 22 people running on the Democratic side? Well above that at this point. I think I'm running.

I'm not sure, but I did get some paperwork that was suspect during my escrow period. Did you really? So I don't know. You're like, let me throw my hat in. I've signed so many motherfucking pieces of paper I could be running for president. It's so wild to me. I don't understand. Like, Joe Biden, I feel like should just go to sleep, take a nap.

Maybe don't wake up. Do you know what I mean? Like, just what the fuck? You run for president 150 times. Yeah, and he keeps doing things where I'm like, I don't know if you you know what i mean like just what the fuck you run for president 150 times and he keeps doing things where i'm like i don't know if you're listening to the people it's automatic yeah bernie sanders it's like everybody was like bernie was so anti-establishment that was so great stick it to the establishment and i completely understand that great but like what is going on now?

Like what is he doing now? There is no establishment anymore. Elizabeth Warren is just as anti-establishment. I don't know. It's crazy. Everything's really. She doesn't have a peen. She doesn't have a peen and I think even though she does not have the same policies as Hillary,

I think she invokes the same feelings. Because she's an older woman. That people feel about Hillary. Yeah. An older white woman. An older white. I didn't know. The whole Pocahontas thing is very interesting to me because she lied about being a Native American?

No, she was told by her family that they had relatives that were Native American. Cherokee relatives or something. I thought I was Native American for a very long time because my aunt was like, well, you know, that's our Indian blood. And then the door closed and I was like, I'm Native American. She meant West Indian. West Indian. For a very long time I was like, I'm Native American. This is my land.

This is not my land. It was just, yeah. And so I do think that happened to so many people who haven't spoken up and been like, honestly, I also did think I was Native American. Like, whatever whatever you know but that was a whole fucked up thing and it should not have happened but it's wild that he calls her Pocahontas

I love so many of them let's not get into politics it's a real bummer I'm never out of politics it is a real bummer though and you're correct but I wanted to talk about I forgot I forgot what I was going to say we've had so many good times oh here's a question I know on the road and you're correct. But I wanted to talk about, I forgot what I was going to say.

We've had so many good times. Oh, here's a question. I know on the road with me you've never hooked up with anybody, but do you have chuckle fuckers? No. Have you chuckle fucked? No. No, I don't think.

No. I don't think any women. I got close. Oh yeah? But you know, this is when I was drinking. And it's scary. How long have you been sober?

Two years? Three years? three years and change congratulations you got your life together and it makes us so happy I bought a house you are happy for me because you saw me back when and you've come so far and I'm so proud of you

and I don't get to see you enough but it's like I've been traveling a bunch. I know. And you're very successful. And you're successful. The world needs you. And you were like, when you were doing People of Earth, you were just in Canada. Yeah.

You were just gone. I just lived up there. Yeah. I'm a great white girl. And then when you did Mike and Dave, you were just gone. Yeah, I was just gone. I went away. You get jobs that just take you away.

They do. They take me away. And I'm doing another one. Ooh, what is it, Jeeza? I'm shooting Resident Alien. What's Resident Alien? A movie? No. It's a show for sci-fi. Ooh, what is it, Jason? I'm shooting Resident Alien. What's Resident Alien? It's a show. No.

It's a show for sci-fi. Ooh, congrats. And it shoots. In Canada? In goddamn Canada. Yeah. For how long? When do you go?

I'm going away in November. Oh, okay. And I'll be there for fucking five months or something like that. Cool. Well, I'm here all summer. I'm going to fucking annoy you. It's going to be a summer. Because I'm going to see your house.

I'm doing Reno. You're going'm gonna see your house I'm doing reno you're gonna do a renovation yes wow I've got an architect and we're doing meetings all next week

we're meeting with people yeah it's crazy this oh my god it's really stupid you're like a real life house hunters renovation

right in front of me of course I'm trying to pitch a show about it I was thinking like this is the idea I had every time you watch like an HGTV show there are Of course I'm trying to pitch a show about it. I was thinking, like, this is the idea I had.

Every time you watch, like, an HGTV show, there are, like, white people being like, here's my idea. And then there's a bunch of Mexican people or, like, brown people working. And they're just in the background. And you're like, what's going on with these people who are doing the actual work? Like, do they have things to say?

I'm so interested in that. I think so. And especially're like, what's going on with these people who are doing the actual work? Like, do they have things to say? I'm so interested in that. I think so. And especially in California, which a lot of these shows are not based in California because you can't buy anything here. But like, unless you put a wish in a skittle. But there's like this whole community of people who like actually build houses here. And I'm like, let's make a show with them. I think that's a good idea. You know, because I'm sure that there's people

who are also, at the same time as doing construction, interested in entertainment in some way. So it'd be really fun, right, to cast some of those people.

that's why you're an ally. You're amplifying people of color's voices. Well, I'm just interested in it. Whatever, just take it. You're an ally.

Oh, yay, I'm an ally. Listen to me. Hear me sing and then tell me to shut up and I will zip. Zip, zip. Zip, zip. Well, I just want to monetize

because, you know, it costs money. How is your house? It's going. It's well. You're doing shit to it, right? It's doing well. I didn't do any renovation. I just decorated it with a very nice lady named Caitlin. Oh, cool. Who I like so much.

I don't think I've seen it since the past. No, I have to show you because it was empty for a long, long, long, long, long time. My realtor just called. What did your realtor say? Oh, she said the county recording was just confirmed. The house is yours. What? Wait, when did the county recording was just confirmed. The house is yours. What?

Wait, when did you close? I guess yesterday. So you close and then the next day there's like a, they only record at 10 a.m. And I don't even know what recording is. What? I don't. There's so many things. There's so many weird things. And then they'll shoot a weird word at you.

Yeah. And then we record. And you're like, a podcast? I don't know what that means how you get a house you you record a bunch of podcasts text hey homeowner tried to call but i think you may be still in your podcast and then she said an emoji of herself done and done and that's oh so you had a lady real today you have accomplished what most your age cannot. Aw. I'm about to cry. Congratulations on being an LA homeowner with a view no less.

You should be very proud. Please give me a million dollars. That's very sweet. So hire me so that I don't get kicked out of my home. You won't. You'll be fine. I'm scared, but it'll be okay. No, you'll be fine.

I promise you. You'll be fine. I'm scared, but it'll be okay. No, you'll be fine. I promise you. You'll be fine. It's the right thing. Also, a house in California, if you run into trouble, you move into an apartment, you rent out your house. Yeah. Or you sell it and you either break even or gain a little bit of money. You're not going to lose money here.

Yeah. This situation was good and it was like, we had a lot of lucky shit happen with it. So I feel okay about it. My parents, oh, my God. I called my dad. This is like evidence of me being an alcoholic for a long time. I called my dad, well, my stepdad, and I was like, so I had just gotten into escrow. And that's a really hard thing to get into in L.A.

When you're doing the looking process, my friend wrote nine offers. Erin Lennox, we know Erin. She wrote nine offers. So, like, that's a normal process. My friend wrote nine offers. Erin Lennox, we know Erin Lennox. She wrote nine offers. So like, that's a normal process. You just cannot get into escrow usually. And I wrote two offers and immediately got into escrow,

which was crazy. So I was like, I called my dad and I was like, bought a house. And he goes, oh my God. Oh my God, Alice,

you need to do inspections first. He thought. he thought you just bought a house without anything they were like we need to do inspections and i was like here's the cash money down give me the house now bye-bye like he just and i'm like oh that's very sad i mean it's funny in a way where i fully understand it. Like when I told my sister I bought a house, she went, well, are you OK? Yes. And I was like, yeah, yeah. It's a breakdown.

I'm OK. I did the math. I'm OK. Yeah. And she was like, oh, well. And I was like, actually, Catherine, I like really thought about it. And the way I bought my house was stupid. I waited till I had half the value of my house in cash.

That's tight. Which is an insane. Like, nobody does that. Nobody does that. But I was like, you're not going to catch me in these streets being homeless no you're not gonna catch me being confused as to how to sell a house because i can't afford it you're not gonna see me struggling but that's her job as your family yes to be like okay like how where do i come in here at what point do i pitch how do i help you uh do i have to make a phone call to get you out of this

yes no sorry the ball is. I'm an escrow. Yeah. It's so, it's bonkers. Yeah, it's bonkers. And nobody explains anything to you. No. There should be a class in high school about like, you're going to pay taxes and if you would like to buy a house, here's how it goes.

It's hard. I think there should be a class in high school for a lot of things there are not classes for, such as sex. Yeah, sex education. Let me know that I can consent, but I can also withdraw my consent. Do you remember when I had this idea and I feel like you're just by doing standup already kind of doing this, but I wanted to do like a pro sex like girl code tour of all the places with the kids who don't have sex education, like Alabama and like all these places and

go to these kids and be like penis penis penis different than uterus also this is not a uterus your vagina is not a vagina is like what you're referring to it's the canal it's your vulva canal there's wings wings inside like a hole and I just discovered the whole thing's called a vulva like a musical right I feel like I mean I told my sister the other day or a couple months ago i was like you know what i want to do i want to like go into the schools teach kids about sex and tell them they can be anything they want if they want to be a drug dealer you can do that and she was like i don't think any school will let you do that nicole that's the truth but i was like anything you want

to be you want to be a prostitute there's safe ways you could do it but it's so cool because we don't have to go through the schools no we can tell i can tell you i'm a podcast we can tell you on your hey if you want to be a sex worker be careful you know tell someone what you're doing let somebody know where you are at all times don't be ashamed of that that's the route you want to do but like you know you we need to like get rid of shame with sex work sex work is too much and i keep saying legalize it but i I think sex workers want it decriminalized. Yes. And there's a whole difference.

But here's my thing. I just want a girl to be able to sex work and not get taken. Don't snatch him. Stop snatching. Don't. Stop snatching. There's a difference between somebody wanting to be sexual and objectified, like allowing themselves to be objectified and then society turning

somebody into a fucking mannequin. Like you're not a person is different than this part of my body is an object now for the next 45 minutes for this amount of money. It is crazy. We got pretty deep. We did get deep. I have a question. Would you date me?

I would date you. If I wasn't in a relationship, I would give it a try. Alice, thank you. You're such a good person. You have so much to offer. I try. It's pretty hard. And I honestly, I can't believe that you're single.

Thank you. I thought I was going to come in here today and you'd be like, I'm dating someone. Actually, which has happened before in the course of our friendship. I cannot wait. Till the next time. and you'd be like, I'm dating someone. Actually, which has happened before in the course of our friendship. I cannot wait till the next time. To like, have an episode

where I'm like, I did it. I'm dating somebody. And people are always like, what happens if you get a boyfriend or a partner? Like, are you,

are you going to quit the podcast? I'm like, no, no, no, even more interesting. I would still like to know other shit.

Yeah. But here's the thing. Like you are at this point where I've known you for a long time and you're doing the therapy thing now and you were doing the therapy thing for a while before but now i feel like it's for me it was an age thing like it was just like getting mature enough and i honestly didn't meet somebody i really liked until i was 36 7 so like you know it's for we're creative people we like to fuck around and we like the drama and for a while I think that's where I was at and I think we've connected over that and I think you're in this place now where you're like oh what do I want actually out of this shit and

like actually some of the shit I'm giving to myself yeah and I see you doing that now and it does change every day what I want but it like pretty consistently It's like I would like to share my life with someone. Yeah. And that's so different than you would really love. And this is something that is new. Like when I'm on the road, I was like, oh, it would be so nice to end my night by being like, hey, babe, this happened. Yeah.

And have them be like, wow, I'm very interested. And this is what happened with my day. Yeah. And then I go, OK, I love you. Bye bye. Then I'm like, oh, I can't wait to get on a plane to get home to my person. Which is such a wonderful thing to want. Yeah.

I think it's a wonderful thing to want. I think you should fucking celebrate that about yourself because it's a beautiful thing to want. There's a lot of fuckboys out there and fuckgirls who are wanting just to be tortured. Do you know what I mean? That's not something to celebrate. I mean, I was there for a long time. Yeah, I don't want to be tortured anymore. I want someone who openly says, Nicole, I like you.

Yeah. Like, we cuddle in bed and he goes, hey, you dummy. You're my dummy. And then I go, I don't have a thought in my brain. That's what I want. Alice, what would you like to promote? I want to promote my special, also a really simple, easy to remember name, My Mama is a Human and So Am I. That is the whole title.

Coming out on Amazon sometime in August. Look for it around August 11th. You know what? Start looking for it then because that's a good time to start looking for it. I do have a podcast called Treks in the City with Veronica Osorio

de Caracas. And yeah, those are the two things I want to promote. Yes, listen to Treks in the City. It's a good time. I do an episode where I talk about

wanting to fuck a Ferengi. And we want you back ASAP. So you're on this summer. We'll do it. We'll do it. Perfect. If you like this episode of,

Oh, I want you to hate me. You can subscribe. You can rate it on iTunes. If you send me a nasty DM or a tweet, I will read it. I won't read your name because this was a DM. Hey, Nicole, I want to make you squirt so hard. You'll be a water fountain and I'll drink from your puss.

This person, it was also a DM. I won't say her name. Girl, let me paint you a picture. Beach, sunrise, vodka, no tops. Let them tiggled biddies breathe. I would motorboat you through the ocean to a deserted island. Where we would find a tribe and become their

queens. Wow! I was on board until we became Christopher Columbus. It's so upsetting. I don't want to take over an island of indigenous people. Hey, don't kink shame. Well, that can't be your kink. You never know. Your kink, you can't.

There's a website for everything. Your kink cannot be. I love taking over indigenous nations and making them do what I want. That's how I come. Dog, somebody's kink was, and that's why we're here today. Hey, now, thanks, Christopher Columbus, and your weird ass kink. Or Marco Polo, right? Or Marco Rubio.

Wait, who is the other person? Okay. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. This has been a Team Coco production.