Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - The Power of 'I Love You' (w/ Sam Richardson)

Episode Date: July 2, 2021

Actor and comedian Sam Richardson (Veep, I Think You Should Leave) chats with Nicole about his success finding love on Raya, wanting kids so he can continue doing kid things, the power of saying 'I love you' first in a relationship, and pitches ideas for dating app opening messages. Black Lives Matter. For a list of resources and ways to support, check out blacklivesmatters.carrd.co. Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastaken Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Merch: teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=964 Nicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single. Even though you could fly me to Tucson, Arizona, leave me there, and then I have to start a brand new life,

and then you come back in my life and say, baby, I love you, I would love you still. My guest today is a hilarious actor, writer, producer. You've seen him on Veep, seen him in Detroiters, The Office, and even guest judging on RuPaul's Drag Race. It's Sam Richardson! Hey, thanks for having me. Thank you for doing this. How are you? I'm so good. Thanks for that theme song, too.

I'm going to try and take this and orchestrate it. You know, just trying to keep it silly, dumb, and funny. It's the tenets of my life. I mean, I just like keeping it stupid. That's just my thing. You know? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm. Okay, Sam, so where are you from? I don't think I know this about you. Oh, no? I'm from Detroit. Yeah. But I'm also from Ghana. Oh. I'm from Ghana.

So I was born in Detroit, but my mom's from Ghana. My dad's from Detroit. So I used to go back and forth since I was an infant. Oh, I've never been to Ghana. It seems nice. When I worked at Lame Giant, well, it's called Lame Bryant, but I call it Lame Giant. When I worked there, the security guard, his name

was Mr. Henry. He was the only person at that store who was nice to me, and he was from Ghana. So in my head, everyone from Ghana is a very nice person. I mean, almost all. almost all, you know, Ghana, Ghana, Ghana, like temperament and like for the most part is like a very like warm and embracive sort of culture and personality. I've never been.

Do you recommend it? I recommend a 10 out of 10. Go to Ghana. Okay. You know? All right. Maybe that's where like my post pandemic trip will be. I recommend a 10 out of 10. Go to Ghana. Okay. All right. Maybe that's where my post-pandemic trip will be.

I am trying to fucking go somewhere. I'm tired of my house. I'm tired of these walls. Absolutely. I don't usually do anything in this room, but I was like, I'm so sick of being in that dark office. I'm like, let me just kind of find new places in my house that are like something I'm not at all the time which I'm sure sounds super elitist if you have a one-bedroom apartment but you got a you got a closet or something hang out in there there's spaces for everywhere well if you have a one-bedroom figure out the nooks and crevices of that little one

bedroom and find yourself a new place to be in your one bedroom. Exactly. Build a loft bunk bed. Yes. Get a bunk bed. Get me a bunk bed. Get you a bunk bed and be closer to the ceiling. Bunk beds are so wild to me. Anybody who grew up in a bunk bed, I'm like, do you have no fear? Like you slept in the air for your childhood, you know?

I know. Believe me, that whole idea was like, what if I forget? That's the only thing. What if i forget that's that's the only thing what if i forget boom yeah what if you forget and just like roll off the top bunk also okay i don't know if i've ever posed this question before on the podcast but like what if a fat kid refuses to sleep on the bottom bunk and is like only top bunk and then breaks and it crushes their little sibling who's at fault the fat kid or the bunk bed company? Yeah, like the problem is, good luck tracking down the bunk bed company

because they're like, hey, I'm sure they have enough red tape to keep you in litigation for ages. Meanwhile, the guilt of this bigger kid who's come down, the smaller kid, is going to eat them up from inside. No amount of money will fix that. I mean, I guess I would be so sad if I ever had to go to court and they're like, why are you here? And it's like, I murdered my sibling because I was too chunky for the top bunk. Stays with you.

And you insisted on being the top bunk? Yes, yes. Yeah. Yeah, I really I like the idea of being closer to God. Well, you sent your brother to hell. Yeah, I don't think I could live like that. That's terrible. No, you go to jail and then you're on the bottom bunk too.

So that's. Yes. Yeah, that could be. That's rehabilitation. Sam, question. Yes. Do you have siblings? Are you an only child?

I have much older siblings, half siblings. I have two older brothers and an older sister. And we're separated by 14 years. Oh, dang. Yeah. But I'm my mom's only child. Oh, okay. That's like pretty wild to be like, we're basically in high school.

We are very grown up. Oh, we have like a new half brother who is like a fucking baby that's so wild exactly like oh it's a baby that's here in our house now huh interesting well we're all leaving toodaloo you'll grow up alone my mom was also she had like some distance between her sisters. But me and my sister are super close. We're like a year and a half apart. Oh, wow.

Which I think is called an Irish twin. Yeah, right? I mean, close. Isn't Irish twins like twins who are conceived like the same year? Oh, maybe. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know also.

Oh, my God. Imagine having two sets of twins within a year of each other. What a fucking nightmare. Your organs alone. Yes. But then four screaming things being like, feed me, bathe me, give me attention. I'd be like, I don't know. I'm going to walk into the ocean.

Mold me into an adult. I'm going to walk into the ocean. Mold me into an adult. I used to want kids, but now I just, I don't think so. No, I want kids still. And I just love doing kid things still. I need an excuse. Oh.

You know, like me rolling up into the Sonic the Hedgehog 2 premiere, childless, is, you know, know I'm like are you in it? No I'm just a fan of the genre No I'm just here to enjoy but I loved the first Sonic I watched it two times in less than 24 hours and I cried both times

I was just like Sonic just wants a friend It's so pure He's so lonely He's the fastest thing there is And he just wants a friend That's it He's so fast

But he can't catch a friend You know But then Spoiler By the end Maybe he does Maybe Find out for yourself

Sonic the Hedgehog Available on Video on demand And DVD And yeah Blu-ray Blu-ray DVDs Do they make DVDs anymore? Maybe. Find out for yourself. Sonic the Hedgehog is available on video on demand and DVD. And yeah, Blu-ray. Blu-ray. Do they make DVDs anymore? I don't even know. I think they do, but I recently had to buy something on DVD. Yeah.

Because the movie Eddie, which stars Whoopi Goldberg, have you ever seen it? Familiar. Highly familiar. It doesn't stream anywhere. Oh, really? Oh, you know what? I Familiar. Highly familiar. It doesn't stream anywhere. Oh, really? Oh, you know what? I had to buy a DVD also for Meteor Man. It doesn't stream anywhere. Interesting.

Why does that happen? If everything streams and then you're like, this one movie that I want to see doesn't stream, it's so wild. And it's not like they're like, oh, it's because we need our DVD or Blu-ray sales to go through the roof. Because you have to go out of your way to find it still. Uh-huh. But I also bought Eddie on VHS just in case I wore out the Blu-ray.

So you can transcode. Uh-huh. Yeah, I was like, you know, I want to be covered on all fronts. Yeah, of course. Why? You know, I want to be covered on all fronts. Yeah, of course. Why? You know, just trying to be smart about things. I'm turning into one of those adults that, like, buys two of the same shirt just in case, like, a hole gets put in the first one. I'll have the other one.

I've been that adult for a long time. You just find something that fits. But then I feel like a cartoon you know like cartoons never change their clothes am i am i gonna be like the type of adult that just wears the same thing over and over and over again i'm like i think so what what happens with me too is i i i have two of the same thing and i like wear one so much and And then like, I like feel like, oh, the occasion's not right to wear the new one. So I'll wait till it's like perfectly right.

So I'll just wear this thing into the ground. And then by the time I'm like, well, you know what? I'm actually done with this and I have a brand new one, but I'm done with both of them. Yeah. So then it's just like a donated thing. Yeah. And you're just wasting your money.

But then at the time you're like, I'm not wasting my money because I'll have to waste it later when I buy a replacement. And then what if the replacement isn't there? Exactly. Or if they'll look on eBay for it and that person's charging me such a premium. Yeah. If I don't want that, I have three pairs of flame vans because I was like, what if they stop making flame vans? And as much as they're trying to get them to stop, they won't. They won't do it. They're like, we're going to keep making flame vans until, you know, you're dead. And I was like, oh, boy, better get two extra pairs just in case.

And then I refused to change to the new ones because the old ones are so comfortable. That's exactly what happens. Boy, these are the problems that that you have you know that's adulthood uh sam i have a question are you single married dating uh who's to say you don't know um not tomorrow but not today yeah are you are you dating i live with my girlfriend nicole uh my girlfriend's name is yes and here's how i reveal that i am now dating sam richardson no i'm kidding and a special episode how did you meet other nicole uh the app raya wow this is stunning information for me true because i have found riot to be slightly racist and you are a black man and you found love on what I thought was racist. So maybe it's not racist because you found love.

I mean, it probably surely is racist. It probably surely is. In fact, I'd run into it a few times, enough times. But, you know, I dated a few people on Raya before Nicole and I, like, kind of, before I met Nicole, you see? And, you know, some of those messages were like, you can tell, like, is this fetishization? Are you just, like, some people are, like, looking through this thing to fetishize, what's the word?

Fetishize? Fetishize. No, it's not fetishize. Fetishizate. Fetishize. Fetishize. Theize the idea of like oh you get to pick out like i mean also i'm curious what the other side of it because like i only know what it is looking scrolling through and looking at women do you know what's looking through men

are they were you coming through across a lot of black men on there or no no i truly think the only black men i saw on raya were very light skinned light-skinned models where i was like i don't i don't think you're into me and sure enough they were not into me um and then the only like yeah I really I didn't see any black. Like it was just very far and few in between. Yeah, that's so interesting. And I'm sure I'm sure it's that it's that it's that old racist. What do they call it? Algorithm.

They're like, yes, you don't want to see that. Yeah, I read an article where it's like they only show you what they think you want to see and then they only show you people who are like in your status like the amount of times you get swiped yes on that like gets compartmentalized but then i read this other article that was like that's all bullshit there's no algorithm it's fucking random as shit but i don't know i don't know i think they're they're almost has to be right like uh because they want you to succeed as soon as you can because they want you to be like yeah this thing works no see that's that's the opposite of what they want they want you to stay on the app because you pay money on some of these apps

so like right i think is like 40 every like four months or something like that yeah so it's like just like keep your subscription going so like they don't really care if you actually meet somebody right in fact we're just showing you as many trash folks as you can uh-huh don't you love this trash there's more trash over here there's so much more traps heaps of it so you guys met on riot who reached out to who uh i reached out to her and uh and we just did bits back and forth for like months oh months uh and then like finally then we finally when we then we went out maybe it's like maybe a couple months so not like years but uh then we went out and it was like so different than any

other dates i'd been on uh through raya that i was like oh this is this is chill and i appreciate this and i think we were both the same like in that same sort of like happiness to be out of that sort of toxic app world and then just kind of things we hit things off you know i mean honestly that sounds like a real dream to like meet somebody and then go, oh, we like the same things and we have a nice time together. Let's get off this hellish app and be together. That's all I want. You know, and like I already had this like guilt about the app because like I would be using it. And like, you know, of course, the idea is that you're it's not like instant committal.

You're you're on this app and you're dating. But then like and you're presented with like a thousand people. And so you can't help but like be like, oh, I'll go with this person. I'll go with this person. I'll go with this person. And before you know, you're going out with like seven people. And you're like, I got to tell them about each other. This is wrong, right?

Wait, how could you juggle seven people and be a successful actor it's all acting baby i just i've because i've read articles about how gentlemen will be juggling like six women at a time and if i'm involved with more than three people, I'm like, call the whole thing off. I'm very confused. I have no idea who likes what. I don't know. Yes. But that's the thing.

Like this guilt and then like you also like don't – shame on me because I was like, oh, I got to not see you anymore because I'm seeing the other person. And I would do that. And it would always be like, why not? I'm like, sorry. Actually, never mind. I'm sorry about that.

Let's go out to coffee one more time. I'm this woman. I'm this woman who's like, what do you mean? And it's like, I'm sorry. Let's go get ice cream. I'm like, yeah, let's get ice cream. And maybe I'll convince you that you do want to date me. And I'll tell you, it has never worked, not one time.

No, it works on me. Not one time has begging someone to date me worked. You'd think I'd learn, but I guess it's like jarring because it's like, well, I didn't realize that you were dating six other people. I'm only dating. All my eggs are in this basket. I'm very guilty of putting all of my eggs in one basket and then skipping.

Yeah. See? And like, I don't know. Maybe you are supposed to just put all your eggs in one basket. But it just seems so counterintuitive for how the app works. But then I was feeling guilty about that. So I was like, well, let me not do that you know uh and so like i i didn't but then like pretty soon after i said i met nicole so i wasn't dating these other people while i met nicole on that app but i like i it was

like sort of this thing where i was like oh well uh one thing about this person i really enjoy so let's kind of see we'll just kind of go out and get a drink every here and there. And then like one, and then this other person like, it's a cool personality, but maybe it's something about this person I didn't really love spending time with.

I'm like, well, that probably shouldn't work. Let me let that person down. I'm like, oh, I'm sorry. No, we'll hang out. Maybe I'm wrong. And then like, I'm fine. I'm like, I can't do this six times over. So let me just pull the plug on that.

And I was pretty close to like ending that. And like Raya was the only one that worked for me too. Cause like I hated Tinder. I hated Tinder. Wait, why did you hate Tinder? It was like every, Oh,

it felt like you had to like write jokes in your profile. And I'm like so bad at like a joke that's supposed to be real. That's not a joke. I'm like, all right. I'm not going to expose my wounds in this little profile. And I'm looking at everybody else's things like, love to run, love to skate. Sun sign is hot. I'm'm not that is funny i mean that is like some people i don't know whenever i read a profile i'm like my god how is a profile supposed to tell me about a person

it is it's not it's not real it's not how it works it's just not it's just not I'm like, but then like you also don't want to come off as too aloof by not saying anything, you know? Because then I'm like, who the fuck do I think I am? If I'm like Sam Richardson, hey. I'm like, no. Wait, do you think some of the people you've gone out with were going out with you just because you were Sam Richardson? I don't think so. I don't think that I'm that kind of a, of a,

of a hard throw. People are like, Ooh, premium meat. Let me go out and show off my Sam Richardson. Oh, come on. You know,

Richard's what? You're very successful. So like, I think it would be a thing that someone be like, Oh my God, guess who I'm dating. Can you even? I don't know. I don't know i don't know maybe maybe and that's that's the problem also with raya is that it's for industry quote unquote and so

everybody's kind of looking for a nice little meal and and i'm not gonna say that everybody who i hung out with was because like there were some really great people some like really sweet people they just like didn't work out for the most part like even like swapping through that thing i was like huh what a lot of a lot of djs so many djs i keep saying this i'm like it's filled with australian djs and i just i don't get it it's it's never been like a category of people that i was like i gotta see more of this yeah just sorry for the dj hate but i'm like uh i'm not sorry for the dj hate fuck you djs no i'm kidding that would be terrible if i like just hated djs for no reason so okay do you so how long have you guys been together?

I've been together for four years. Dang. That's like a nice long time. So you're seniors in your relationship. And who, do you remember who said I love you first? I said it first. We were on a, we were on a, we were on a trip in New York. We were like on a, on a quick, quick i had to be in new york for like a like a day and i was like you want to come with me so then we went and i think at one point i was like uh i think i called her my love at one point just

like kind of offhandedly not and not like i wasn't thinking about it but i didn't mean to like put that out there you know you know what i mean yeah but like i said it like and i meant it and i was like oh and like i don't think i didn't even think she mean yeah but like I said it like and I meant it and I was like oh and like I don't think I didn't even think she caught it but then she brought it up like later and I was like oh yeah you did hear that okay oh that's so cute I was hoping you were when I asked who said I love you first you're like we've been together four years and neither of us have said it we'll see you know I'm really hoping one of us says it today or tomorrow it's a power thing i don't want to give that up for some people i do think it is a power thing

yeah truly and it's i mean love is just it's a weird thing that it's like hard to articulate and it's hard to like understand like why you do some of the things that you do it's like why to articulate and it's hard to like understand like why you do some of the things that you do. It's like, why did I love this person so much? Why wouldn't I just tell them that I love them? Why was I like holding onto this feeling and just not saying it?

Right. And like also part of this, like you, maybe you don't want to like change the energy of it. Cause you're like, I'm so happy in what this is right now. If I change the alchemy of this, it won't be what I love about it so you know let

me not say i love you because then like if the reaction from her or him is overly positive i'm like oh now you're gonna be obsessive you know whatever or if it's if it's not if it's not like reciprocated as well you're like oh no now i seem obsessive. So you keep it cool, man. Hey, you're cool. That's what I'm trying to do, just trying to keep it real cool, because in the past, I've just been really uncool. At one point, I said to a man,

I was like, I'm not chill, okay? He was like, oh, okay. Which, in hindsight, you don't have to tell people everything about you but i mean some of these things though better to to let a person know you know who you are so that and i i want to know so like what if it's something about you or me or whatever that the person's like oh actually that's the best thing ever and thank god i don't have to

like wade through all the the seaweed you know to get to this underwater paradise oh this underwater paradise i mean yeah i think information is good but i think when you say to someone i'm not chill i think they already know yeah you know yeah i think you've already dropped hints about that part of your personality and they could just really figure that out on their own yeah yeah i'm sure that one that wasn't the first indicator of the not chillness either no absolutely not. Like I already know that I'm a full-blown cartoon character who's just crazy.

Sam, real quick, we have to take a break. And we're back. So 2021 is in full swing and summer is upon us and like people i feel like are gonna be getting a loose with a capital l because we've been like cooped up or whatever so like what if you were single what is the type of thing you would like to hear from a woman who's like trying to hit on you during these like new fun times oh if i was always if i was single is like a hmm okay i'll phrase it this way i just want advice on how to approach gentlemen okay and you can just remove yourself from the question. Okay, let me remove myself from this.

Okay, okay. Hey, I've got a nice clean apartment. Hey, all that Purell's at my apartment. It's clean. Do you want to head back for some good clean fun? I bet, you know, like truly, I bet people are going to love to hear about like how like, oh, I was in pure isolation this whole time. And it didn't make me insane.

You're like, oh, okay. Yeah, maybe that is a good way to hit on somebody. So I've been alone for months and I'm still normal. I feel like somebody would fully be turned off from that.

I don't know if you're normal. I think you're overcompensating. You're not well. You're sick. Probably. That was bad advice from me. That was bad advice from me. Just say like, for all that stuff, I was actually orbiting. I was on a SpaceX ship and I came back. What happened back here? Imagine.

Do you think there's anyone who has gone somewhere and has missed the pandemic? Do you think there's some Buddhist monk somewhere on a retreat that have been there for a year probably probably i don't know i just gotta be i heard somebody woke up in a coma from a coma like a few months ago imagine that's so wild to like maybe like be in a car accident, you know, God bless, and then wake up and be like, wait, so there's what? A virus? A virus. What? You mean I can't go to Dave and Buster's?

We can't go to, I want to go to Dave and Buster's. That's how I got in my accident. I was on my way to Dave and Buster's, driving too fast. I really hope Dave and Buster's survives the pandemic because what a treat to go to Dave and Buster survives the pandemic because what a treat to go to Dave and Buster's as an adult and get very, very hammered and play games. Oh, yeah. See, that solves my

Chuck E. Cheese issue of the same reason that I can't go to Sonic alone. You see, if you give me children things in adult situations, that can't sound right if you give me i would rephrase that children things adult situations i think i get where you're going what was that netflix movie that got in so much trouble oh it was like a french movie french movie

that oh god what was it called it was like watch and we're like this is problematic gals yeah oh it was like little girls? Or is it like? Well, girls is Lena Dunham. Oh, yes, right. I don't know what this one was, but I fully remember it. And I remember being like, oh, I'm scandalized. And I was like, maybe you should watch it.

Exactly. I feel like we all just like read a headline and we're like, oh, that's terrible. How could they? And it's like, did you read the fucking article? Do you even know what it's about? You're right. Exactly. Like the whole point of the headline is to make you look at it yeah have you noticed twitter has that new feature where it's like do you want to read this article

before you retweet it a lot of times i'll just write when i retweet something that i haven't read i'll be like i didn't read this i'm not doing the research. This headline's wild. And then people in the comments will be like, I read it. Here's what happened. I've gotten so lazy. As long as someone does the work. It's a community. Uh-huh.

I mean, it's a miracle I got through acting school. Because that's like all, you have to do the work yourself. You can't be like, oh, Jen learned my monologue for me and she's going to do it. Exactly. Did you go to acting school? I did. I dropped out of acting school, actually. Oh, an acting school dropout.

Where did you go? Wayne State University in Detroit. Okay. All right. school dropout where did you drop out uh wayne state university in detroit okay all right but i started working at second city in detroit uh and it was really hard to do both and i was kind of being pressured uh i was i was doing i was working in second city i was doing other plays outside of school and i was kind of being pressured about my time committal. And so finally I was like, all right, well, I'll just kind of work then. It is funny when school's like either devote more time to school or go make money. And it's like, well, I think I'll take the money. I'll work.

Yeah, I'll work. I'm like, I'm in the door already. And also you're making me pay you to come do this. Mm hmm. the door already yeah and also you're making me pay you to come do this yeah when i went to acting school they they really disencouraged there's nothing to encourage they were like do not audition like you were you're not done with your training yet and i kept in like the back of my brain was like but what if you book something like who cares if you're done with your training yeah exactly something and also like auditioning is its own training.

Like you. I wish someone had told me that. I mean, auditions are different than a table read that is different than the job. It's so wild. It's wild. I hate them, but I still, you know, but I do learn from them. It's the most raw nerve you can ever be. Oh, yes.

I do not like auditions. Auditions are like, do you like me? Do you like the way I read this part? Yes, I'll take that note, but that's not how I prepared it. That's not how I saw the character at all. Are you sure? I've got this thing pretty locked in how I imagined it

sometimes I get a note and I'm like oh no I can't let these people know they've thrown me into a tailspin how do I incorporate this this is nothing like I practiced there's nothing worse than that after a read

being like I'm sorry about that no it's okay it's like it's not no Oh, there's nothing worse than that. After a read being like, I'm sorry about that. No, it's okay. It's like, it's not. No, the fact that I even said, I'm sorry about that made it not okay. Even here. This is a full, just the left engines on fire. Let me just land this plane and get out of here.

I had one audition. It was for like a pretty gruff mom. I don't really come off as gruff. And it was like a comedy. So I was like, this is a lot of work for the funny that like, I don't think this is me. And then midway through, I just went, I'm sorry. She's just so mean. And the casting director laughed and was like, well, let's like tweak it a little.

And we spent a very long time trying to make this like my own. And then by the end, the casting director was like, honey, I don tweak it a little. And we spent a very long time trying to make this my own. And then by the end, the casting director was like, honey, I don't know if you're good for this. And I was like, I don't think I am. I don't think so. Well, kudos to that casting director who was like, well, let's see if there's something here. I feel like there's only three levels to them. Ones that are not helpful who are just like, okay, thank you.

And you're like, well, was it anywhere close to what you want? And then there's like the middling one who's like, I don't know. Yeah, we will send, we'll send it. And you're like, okay, don't like hurt yourself pressing enter. And then there's the one that's like, let's work. I'm tired of casting this part let's like really get you a good tape so i don't have to see anybody else yes those are truly the three there's nobody in the middle and those three don't exist in commercials commercial auditions

all just like nope you're trash get out do it like this no leave are you stupid get out of here yeah commercials for whatever reason they're very short but everyone is so mean and everyone wants exactly what they want and they're like we will not use our imaginations and then they're like sometimes they'll be like improvise and then you'll see the commercial and be like well well, I know I'm not a genius, but I said that. I said that. Sure. Maybe someone else said it, but I said it and you laughed real hard and now it's in your commercial that I'm not in? Okay.

Okay. That's a problem that I would have a lot. Not just for commercials, but I was auditioning for a lot of things when I was – I worked in Second City in Chicago. And before I moved out to L.A., I would put myself on tape for auditions for like pilot season and stuff. And there would be times when I'd get callbacks. And then in the callbacks, I would see in the script things that I had improvised were not on the script. And then like it would be like, all right, well, we're going to audition again. I'm like, are you just trying to milk me for funny lines?

You know? And it happened so many times and my agents were like all right well we gotta move to la because then they're like oh okay well we went with a local hire uh i'm like but did i write your script for you and then you yeah that's like really fucking shitty it really is so much and then it's like you don't get a writing credit you don't get the job and then it's just like but you use my jokes through the process it's yeah it's a it's an interesting business to be in it really is because it's not like you just kind of like something i said offhand that i was like oh what an interesting thing you know what this is something that humans say and he just said it

no i was doing a joke within the context of what the script was. I was writing for myself. And you took that and you used it for this thing that you're making money on. The person you cast is making money on. The network is making money on. And I'm just like having sent in a tape and I'm just trying to work things out. It's truly terrible. And it happens more than it should, which is nuts. Yeah.

And it's wild because it's truly like he said, she said. It's like how do you prove that the writer didn't happen to come up with the same phrasing that you said in the same cadence that you said it? You know? You know? And you're like, yeah, there's no way I can prove this. And if I go further with this, I'll seem insane. So here we are. Here we are.

How did you get involved with Second City? There was a Second City in Detroit where I grew up. And I was in a theater group, my high school theater group, and my friend of mine, when I was a freshman, was taking classes. And I was like, Second City? Real Second City? Because I grew up obsessed with comedy and stuff. So then i hadn't realized there was an actual second city in detroit so i went to see his class show and uh and then there was like an improv jam after or i saw i saw his class show and then i was like oh this is actually second city so i went to see

other shows and then that one night there was an improv jam. So I went and I did the improv jam. It's like a 14 year old, 15 year old kid. And like, I got like a pretty big laugh and I was like, I'm forever changed. This is what I'll do. So I started taking classes there, 15, 16,

then went back when I was like 19 and, and started like really getting into it. And then I got hired to work at Second City Detroit, then got hired to do the cruise ships, then hired from the cruise ships to do the touring company in Chicago, where we went all over and then got hired to do the main stage. I wrote two shows before moving to LA. How were the cruise ships?

I've never been on a cruise ship. To me, it seems like a full-blown nightmare i don't understand why anyone in our current day and age would ever get on a cruise i mean now i have to imagine cruise ships have to be just near finished right the idea of getting into this onto this contagion mobile kind of where you're just so close to everybody and there's buffets everywhere and you're just on the open sea oh and it was problematic to begin with like the idea of a buffet with like a sneeze guard like even the fact they were like this is a problem that we have to address and we'll put

like a little piece of plastic over it and that will stop people from being nasty people are so gross that's what this pandemic has truly shown me like i was at the airport this was in maybe november or october i had to go to oklahoma for work and people at the airport were like washing their hands and looking around to be like, look at me doing my 20 seconds. And I was like, you shouldn't have to look around for approval. You should just be washing your fucking hands. It should be no different. No different. And like people didn't wipe down the seats of the plane.

And I was like, I know they say they've done a little bit more, but don't you see that cookie crumb in your seat? They don't do much i've always wiped down my seat and i think it's so weird that other people do not do it and like people be like well you don't wipe down a subway seat and i'm like i'm not sitting on the subway in the same seat for six hours and also i would if i had the time yeah or not i don't know i think for like 15 minutes i'm like good to sit there but then also you know sometimes people sit on their beds and their outside clothes which is just shocking to me yeah i know like the i used to get in trouble because i would bring my suitcase home and i would like put it on like the bed and my girlfriend was like what are you doing and i was like oh oh my god like it took

one time for me to be like oh that's been a nasty thing I've done for a long time. Didn't even think about it. I used to do it at hotels because in my brain I was like, well, it's not my bed. And then one day I was like, but you're getting in the bed, Nicole. Yeah. It's like those wheels have just been everywhere. It's disgusting. Oof. It really disgusting. Oof.

It really is. Traveling is kind of gross. It's just like we're just going to sleep in each other's beds. And then I learned that some hotels don't even change the sheets in between people. Have you ever been to a hotel and you're like, this smells like person? This smells like another person. And here's a hair. Yes.

Yes. So gross. And then you call them. You're excuse me and they're like oh sure sir i'm like you know though you know they do act like it is a hardship that you're like excuse me this room is filthy and they're like well i guess we'll send somebody up. Fine. It's remarkable. You'd think that the disinfection process for a hotel room especially would be

make it immaculate because we don't want somebody to leave here and be like, I'm sick from that room. And so they truly just don't give a shit. They're like, whatever. You're lucky to stay here. Exactly. There's a lot of numbers a shit. They're like, whatever, you're lucky to stay here. Exactly. There's an amount of numbers of people. They're like, yeah, you'll see you got it somewhere else.

Real quick, we have to take a break. Oh, all right. I have a question. How long have you lived in L.A.? I lived in L.A.? I lived in L.A. I moved here in February of 2012. So nine years. Congratulations.

That's almost a decade. Almost a decade. Yeah. Almost there. Have you lived in the same place or have you like moved around? I've moved around a little bit. Same general-ish. you like moved around i've moved around a little bit uh same generalish well no i when i first moved i moved to hollywood uh which was a full hilarious nightmare uh it's like on wilcox and

willoughby like right just like south of santa monica and just north of monica of uh of melrose busy busy busy oh busy busy but you see like Spider-Man walking to work and Superman walking away from having gotten in a fist fight on Hollywood Boulevard. Not Superman really. Somebody couldn't give you a bloody nose. It was just a guy. And like there's so many helicopters over here. He's like that.

That's like, that moved to Los Feliz. Oh, and I loved it. I moved to be close to like my favorite bar, which you can do that in your 20s. What's your favorite bar? It was Public House, 17. Yes, yes, yes.

I know it well. I used to love it. And then, oh, I feel bad talking bad. But it was just like the environment got nasty. But it was just like the environment got nasty because I remember it was the night after or the night of the election in 20 – what year was the election? 2016? It's four years from 2020, so 2016. 2016.

And we were on the set of Veep. And I remember we were like so like, yeah, this is going to be a great day. And it's like kind of watching as we're filming a scene. It was a scene actually in Georgia. It's in like Russia, Georgia. Russia, Georgia, two different countries. But it was like an election scene in Georgia. And we were just like watching the results come in as we were doing this like scene about elections. And everybody just got so depressed. And I i was like this is the worst day i'm gonna go to to a public house and kind of like drown my

worries and i got there and the place was like empty except for like five bros who were all wearing like trump shirts and just like wreaking havoc on everywhere just like and i was like set down and i was like this surely can't be and they're like picking on this woman and i was like sat down and I was like, this surely can't be. And they were like picking on this woman. And I was like, chill out. I was like, I don't usually yell at people in the way. But that one thing I was yelling, I was just like kind of like pointedly like, hey, buddy, I know you're all this. You won. Fine.

But like what's the point of this? What's the point of screaming at this woman? And I was like so upset. But then the more i looked the more i like saw more of those guys there and i was like oh this can't be my place anymore i'm done yeah i just i just don't remember when like obama won obama bros harassing fucking i don't even know who he ran against they were like fair and equitable treatment well it's just so confusing and then i think a lot about like i mean not to talk about trump people

but i've i've just never been like i'm gonna let this politician define my whole identity you know and i was like since when since when is this a fucking thing? It's weird. Y'all are being weirdos. Like, another person is your identity. Yeah. Even, like, Beyonce fans don't do that. And that is, like, it makes me crazy. It's that sort of idolatry and, like, the sort of excuse.

Like, if I can behave like this person, I can just say that I'm this person's acolyte. And then whatever happens to them and whatever wins they have are my wins. And I'm also relieved of the burden of anything bad that I do. Instead of it reflecting poorly on this person who has nothing reflects on this person. He has no reflection. They can then just absorb that superpower which is pretty remarkable yeah it's just so strange i'll never understand it also all of his signs and shit are kind of ugly i don't know red white and blue i mean all ugly and so like first idea like you're like how about

this and you're like you sure you want to get another thing passed on that? Like, no, we'll work on that. No, we like this. We like it. Just a big old red and just white writing, huh? Okay. Yeah, then they're like, the flag's on people's houses. And I was like, why? Why?

It's so garish. So garish. And you're also about how much reverence you have for the American flag. And then you put this nasty-ass fucking flag right next to it the same amount of reverence i'm like then you don't care then you don't care yeah well enough of those people yeah sorry who still like him even though he didn't win it's so wild but then i like look at biden and i'm like i can't believe biden's our president there's a video of him falling up the stairs have you seen this video he just like eats it like three times he eats it three times but my thing about that video is like but like somebody said i like put it on it like i'm falling and i

can't get up but we also watch this 110 year old man get right back up and keep on trying to climb these stairs i'm like if that was me and i was 100 and i fell on the stairs i would fall down the rest of the stairs and then be like, come get me an ambulance. Honestly, how funny would it be if he just truly did like a pratfall down all of the stairs and like tried to get up but just like kept falling down and be like, this is the humor I've signed up for. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Sleepy Joe. You woke up.

This is humor that doesn't hurt anyone but one person. Okay. I have a question. Yes. So when I meet people in person, you've said to open up with, I have a very clean house. I've been alone during quarantine, but I'm not crazy. Do you think these are good openers for the dating apps as well? I think so. I think it's very concise and precise.

I think it lets people know that, you know, I think a clean home is a clean mind. My home is a mess right now. From what I can see, pretty clean. This is a one wall that you're looking at. I know. I'm very close to this wall as well. It's the cleanest wall

I've ever seen. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Even if I go to the left a little bit, you'll see a mess. I mean, I don't blame you.

We've all been at home for a long time. It's true. It's also funny to be like,. We've all been at home for a long time. It's also funny to be like, some people have not been at home. Everyone has had wildly different pandemics. It's very true. And it's so nuts to me. It's very true.

I filmed a TV show while we were during pandemic. And that one was going to a clean set. I was getting tested twice a day. So it was like a very regulated thing, which was great. Twice a day? That's a budget. Truly. The amount of money spent on testing on that show was like, this is astronomical.

I'm very fortunate. And now that I'm not getting tested every day, even though I'm not leaving the house, I'm like, I hope I didn't get it from this wind, you know? There's no, I just don't know. But it was so weird to, like, kind of go and, like, be on a show during the pandemic and, like, in these moments pretend like it wasn't happening outside, you know? I'm like, I've got my mask off and I'm doing scenes. And I'm like, ah, if I start to think about where i really am i won't be able to focus on what i'm doing at all you know but it was it was i it truly was a godsend and a blessing to be

able to do that and it was a really fun show it's called the after party a lot of really funny people lord miller's for apple apple plus Ooh, Apple Puss. Ball, I do believe. Ooh, that's exciting. I mean, working during the pandemic was, yeah, it was weird. Because if you just thought about, if you just kind of looked around set, you'd be like, oh, yeah, the extras are unmasked. We're unmasked. We're not allowed near the extras. The camera operators are scared of us.

They're wearing hazmat suits. Truly, like shields and like hoodies and masks. And you're just like, this is so nuts. Yeah, yeah. I can't wait for life to be back to normal. I cannot wait. I cannot wait. All the things I said I'd do, I didn't do.

I'm going to do them all. Ooh, what do you want to do that you haven't done? I want to go to Harry Potter land in Florida. Okay, fair. There I went. Oh, you did? This was like three or four years ago. I went for my friend's.

So I was her maid of honor. Thank you. She loves Harry Potter. So I organized a Harry Potter day. And it was like right before New Year's so it was the most crowded I've ever been at a fucking amusement park and it was just like moving around I felt like a little minion it was just hard to get around it was truly

not fun and by the end I was like you happy we came she was happy but I was not happy now was that the one in Florida or the one in florida or the one in la that was the one in florida oh yeah see that's why i want to go to that one so bad so many fucking people also they take your fingerprints when you go in yeah i was like i don't want to give you my fingerprints and the man was like do you want to go in or not and i was like yeah i

want to go in but i just like want to keep my fingerprints and he's like you have to give us our finger i was like okay fine but i like had a whole argument with them yeah i was like, yeah, I want to go in, but I just want to keep my fingerprints. And he's like, you have to give us your fingerprints. I was like, okay, fine. But I had a whole argument with him. Yeah, I was like, what if I want to commit a crime in there? I don't want you to know. Yeah, I don't want you to know who I am. I'm going to rob you. I'm going to rob you of all the wands.

I'm going to hit someone. Have you ever done one of those tests that put you in a house? Oh, yes. In Ravenclaw. Oh. I always get Slytherin and i feel like sometimes people are like oh my god that means you're like evil but i'm like no it just means that like i'm a little dark and mysterious and like could be swayed to be bad yeah exactly that's that's human

you know what i mean yeah i think so it's human did you like the books or the movies more uh the books i enjoyed the movies thoroughly but my imagination uh didn't match some of those things i'm trying to even remember what imagine what like like the dragons in the tri-cup tournament i was like oh i imagine this so much bigger and and stuff but there's this girl i follow on instagram she's very funny she'll sometimes just have like just little dots as her instagram stories because she's just recorded just an insane amount of instagram stories yeah and there was this one time i may have mentioned her because she's so

funny to me but she was like i read oh shit what was it it was like uh murder on the orient express so she had read it and then she went and saw the movie. And she was like, I can't believe how much different it was than my imagination. Like, she couldn't believe that the movie differed from her imagination so much. And I was like, am I being gaslit? Like, this can't be the way people think. Like, you don't go to a movie and go, well, that's not what was in my head. Yeah. I think with, like, Harry Potter, it's such a magical thing.

And she's so descriptive about things. One of the littlest things, and it was not a bad difference, but I just couldn't get over it, was the Weasley brothers. In the books, I think, and maybe I made this up, but I think the idea was like, they went in alternating height. Like, like one would be short and stubby and the other one would be tall and lanky and then short and stubby, tall and lanky, short and stubby,

tall and lanky, you know, which I was like, that's a fun, like little image. And you saw that they're all just like normal people. I'm like, normal humans.

Okay. Like you're going to cast that. That's not fair. What are the oddly specific thing that you were mad about in the movies? You know, it's like, find me two stubby twins who can also, like, land a joke and have red hair and are also actually wizards. Yes. That was a prerequisite that a lot of people don't know about on the Harry Potter franchise. Everyone is an actual wizard.

Yeah. It just makes filming easier. Yeah. There's no practical effects. That's just them casting spells. So you've all learned something. We have come to the end and I ask all of my guests this. I've only missed it a couple of times, but would you date me? I would.

I would. Yay! Thank you. Sam, do you have anything that you want to promote? I'm not sure when these movies come out, but a couple movies that are coming out. One is called Werewolves Within. It's a cool mystery comedy horror movie. Another one's a big action movie called The Tomorrow War, which will be on Amazon. Check those out.

That's exciting. Check them out. Check them out. And if you like this episode of Oh, Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it, you can rate it, you can subscribe, you can give it five stars on Apple Podcasts. And if you write me something nasty hitting on me, I will read it. This nice person said, Nicole, you spicy chocolate goddess,

I want to lay you down on soft, clean sheets. Okay. And spend an hour plus rubbing your body down with cocoa butter. Ooh, hydrating. Until you're perfectly relaxed and slicker than an oil spill on the frozen tar sands of Canada.

Then once you're comfy, I oil myself down and draw a candy bar thong of your trusik, positioning myself above the peaks of your breasts. I slip and slide all the way down to the valley of your twat. Wow, this is intense. Face first as slowly as possible. I call it the inevitable progress white men. I don't know what that means.

It may take a while, but at least you can unwrap a fun-sized snack while feeling the weight of the patriarchy slip down the hill. Okay. Well, it took a turn. It was fun. Thank you so much for writing it. It took a turn. That man became a criminal. Thank you, Sam.

It was my pleasure. Bye-bye. Bye. That's it for Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotaroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you.

Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream. What a dream. Ha ha ha. This has been a Team Coco production.