Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - The Sex Lives of Artists (w/ Ilia Isorelýs Paulino)

Episode Date: January 20, 2023

Actress Ilia Isorelýs Paulino (The Sex Lives of College Girls)  joins Nicole to chat about her sex life at Yale, being 6′2, growing up brainwashed by her pastor dad, and Curvy Wife Guy's new rap career. Write to Nicole! Submit your dirty pick-up lines, dating stories, or questions to [e-mail] for a chance to have it read on-air. Black Lives Matter.  Click here for an updated list of over 100 different things you can do to support racial justice.   Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me and Nicole Byer try to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could come in a corner over and over and over again until it makes a little mountain and you say,

it's not corner cum, it's a tiny ski mountain. I would still date you. My guest today. Ah, shit. Where's my intro? My guest today is an actress from Queen Pins, Me Time, the Sex Lives of College Girls, which I've seen episodes. It's very funny.

Which got picked up for a third season of hbo max i wrote your name out phonetically because i'm not gonna fuck it up please be excited it is as if i've never done an intro before okay my guest today is ilia isaurelis paulino i mean you kind of like that was like a solid b oh a b yeah i've listened to so i found a video and by i found my assistant lindsey found a video of you pronouncing your name on tiktok and she sent it to me and i listened to it no less than a hundred times and i wrote it phonetically. And... Oh! You care, Nicole! You care! I really do, because it's funny that, like,

people with names that are slightly different get fucking butchered. Like, Sue, Larry, or, like, Timothee Chalamet. They get pronounced correctly. And I on purpose say his name funny, because it's wild that we say that so can you say it for me i'm sorry oh no you're good no it was really it was really good um ilia isa release paulino it was so close isa release paulino okay yeah baby i would i would answer the call. Okay, yeah. Wow. That was honestly really...

What am I saying wrong? Honestly, you just sound like you're American saying it. So, like, you know what I mean? Oh, great. Like, it's good, yeah. That's fine with me. I speak very little Spanish

and what I do say is bad. It's yo habla espanol un poquito. Yo trabajador mucho. Habla espanol muy mal. And that's the only phrase I know. Good enough. Good enough. You know what?

Thank you. This is like affirming. I had therapy this morning i'm feeling good from that i'm feeling good from you saying my mediocrity is okay because we can't all like sell it everything honestly why would you want to even uh i guess i don't know that seems exhausting here's a question. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hit me. You single? You dating? You married? I'm single as fuck.

Okay. Thirsty as fuck. I'm drinking water every day. I'm on the apps. What apps are you on? I'm on all of them. I'm on Tinder, Raya, Hinge. I was on Bumble, but Bumble freaks me out.

I like being pursued, so I have to make the first move. Bitch ass. Yeah, it's weird now because I'm starting to get recognized. So like, they'll be like, I loved you on your show. And I was like, well, do you want to fuck? And they're like, nope, that was it. And I was like, well, bye. Yeah, I very recently matched with one of the crew members on my show.

Oh, God. He was only there for a little bit, but he was like, we were just talking on the app. And then I was like, are you trying to take me out or something? And he was like, no, I matched with you to make sure that it wasn't a catfish. And I was like, oh, well, I'm so glad you're out here doing your due diligence and saving the world from somebody catfishing as me because guess what i would pick somebody fucking better okay here's another question

are you on field no what is that oh my god it's a hellscape so field is like a kink app where it's like you can link your your profile to your partner um you say the kinks that you are into up front on the profile um and the reason why it's a hellscape is because every like people be like hi and you're like hey and they're like do you want to jerk me off with your toes and i'm like listen we could get dinner before you proposition that you know like i'm a sure thing but like let's just talk like people first yeah yeah oh yeah and then like you said people were recognizing me on that. And I tend to not love that. Me neither. It makes me feel like I can't be as adventurous as I want to.

Because the last thing I want is them to take screenshots. And they'll be like, oh my God, Elia's a freak. Yeah. But also, being a freak is okay. Unless it has to do with toes and like no shade if you're into feet that's great but i don't get it anymore is toe is that even freak i feel like everyone has a foot fetish not that i have if someone sucked on my toes i'd be pissed i'd be pretty upset about it nicole have you ever had someone suck on your toes? No, I barely like a pedicure. You need to get a really good pedicure.

I just recently discovered Russian manicures and they get all of the dead skin and like all of the cuticles. Get like a nice, like very pretty color, like a nice red, a nice dark blue. And just have someone like you know just

it's amazing the thought of my foot in someone's mouth it's clean it's not gonna be like dirty foot and it's not even dirty or clean feet feet are for walking not sucking and i just i can't get behind it listen baby a lot of things are meant for other things and now are meant for sucking can we talk about it like what i mean if you think about it like i mean penises are supposed to just like peeing and then yeah but exactly exactly you're right they're just shaking them off so it's like you're gonna get a little pee every time how depressing a little bit i don't know there's just something about toes and feet i don't like toes and feet like if they that's just not for me also yeah i guess you can suck on my fingies that's fine i'll suck on your

fingers if you put them in my mouth if that's what you want that's fine there's nothing worse though than a salty finger though where you're like oh where were you before this yeah no yeah or like when it's like when they're like their fingernails are like going in and it's like And it's like when they're like their fingernails are like growing in and it's like I just stop. I can't do it. I'm just like if you can't take care of your fingernails, then I just don't trust you to take care of like your dick. You know what I mean? Like I just.

I mean. I don't trust it. I think most men are disgusting, which is fun. So wait. Okay. What are you looking looking for what is your ideal sit oh my goodness right now i'm in this era of like um finally wanting to date i think i've been in my whole era for quite some time and it's hard though because the bitch is still horny so it's like okay fine you can come over and whatever but me and my therapist were talking about it, that, you know, she said something that, like, kind of rocked my world, she was like, Ilya, if, because I said something to the effect of, like, oh my god, I have so much love to give, and she was like, Ilya, if the right person came to your life right now, like you would push them away. Like you're just not ready.

And I'm like, Kim, Kim, fuck you, Kim. You're right. And so I'm trying to like work up to a place in my life where I would like, if the person came along, I'd be in a place where I'm like, accepting. What was the question? What am I looking for yeah what are you looking for I think we're getting there definitely somebody who's doing the work I'm so I'm so over people who because I'm working on myself like trying to like work out my trauma and shit when I was like four and felt unpretty like like, you know what I mean? Like, I'm looking for someone who's doing the work. I'm looking for someone who's funny but knows that ultimately I'm going to be the funnier one.

Someone who's ambitious. I don't care about what, but you've got to have something. You know what I mean? Like, if you're going to be like a janitor, you better be like the best fucking janitor in the whole fucking county better fuck country if you're not mr clean i don't want it i would love mr clean i have a thing for bald man he's very handsome and he's clean that's literally his fucking name he's mr fucking clean like you just know he washes his ass. Like, you just know.

Oh, absolutely. And I feel like more people should talk about washing their ass. Oh, 100%. Because you gotta do it. You have to turn around. You gotta open them cheeks. Gotta let the water fall through. Get some soap.

Yes. Get up in there. There's so much. Like, the technology that we have. Like, you can buy a bidet for like $20 on Amazon Prime. And because Mr. Bezos, you get that shit in two to four business days. You have no excuse for not having a clean ass.

I truly just discovered bidets. I think it was last year I had them installed in my, just on my regular ass toilets. I did what you said. I got me a tushy. No, I'm not, I'm not doing ads for tushy,

but I have tushies in my house and they're fucking great. I think everybody should have a bidet. When I go to people's homes and they don't have a bidet, I'm like, you're nasty. And I will go through your cabinets and I will see what other secrets you're hiding. Oh, a hundred percent.

I agree with you. I don't think I could be in a relationship. And the next person i date has to be in fucking therapy honestly they have to be i don't give a shit if your life is perfect and you're happy or whatever you have to be in therapy 110 i i want you to confront the demon that was your mother and kill her and be the man that you were meant to be. Kill your mother. So I don't have in-laws. Sometimes, Ooh, this is bad. It's not bad. But sometimes when I daydream, cause, um, sometimes too excessively cause it's a little bit like disassociative, but it's okay. Whatever.

Right? Sometimes when I daydream and I daydream about my perfect partner, he is an orphan. Oh. Yeah. Okay. I don't know what that says. I should probably bring it up to Kim in my next therapy session. Maybe. But then also, maybe you just don't want to deal with other adults that aren't your adults.

I don't know. Maybe. Yeah. Old ass adults. I don't know. We'll see what Kim says. Kim's going to be like, pack it up. You're sick as hell.

No, I'm kidding. But it is interesting. I mean, I want the opposite. I would like somebody who has parents, because mine are on vacation, and they are never coming back. Not that permanent vacation. Yup, they went up north, and I don't know when they're coming back.

But yeah, I like, want to go to someone's home for like Thanksgiving. Like, I want someone's parents to like, take me in. I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the's the dream but also it's like do i need that no i went and saw lights yesterday and there's this place in pasadena where the whole neighborhood has collectively said we do christmas lights every almost every house is lit up it's fucking wild i think I saw that on TikTok or something.

Probably. And then people like walk through, like it's a thing that people like visit this neighborhood to just walk through. Yeah. And it's free and it's nice and it's fun. And you have to leave by 10 p.m. They're very strict about it.

But I like arrived alone because I texted a friend who was like, no. I was like, okay. So I was like, well, I'm gonna go. I want to see, I love lights. I wouldn't have well, I'm gonna go. I love lights. I wouldn't have gone. I'm a child. I love lights.

You wouldn't have gone? Not alone. I don't like doing things alone. Maybe I should work on them. Yeah, why not? I'll go to movies alone. When I lived in New York, I would do a lot of stuff alone. Oh my God, I did that once. Back when I was in undergrad,

I was like, I'm taking myself on a date because i think i had like had a date but then they canceled and i was like fuck that i bought the dress i made the reservations i am gonna go and i saw the movie and i took myself out to dinner and i came home and I cried. I mean, sometimes that will happen. But if you like take yourself on a date on a day that you're not supposed to go out with somebody else. Maybe that's cute. But I did get out of the car

and was like trying to take pictures. And I was like, oh my God, everyone has a family and I don't. And I was like, better pack it up. I'm going to get out of here. And you can look on my Instagram. I think it's still up they're in my stories not one picture is in focus the car wasn't moving at any point when I was taking those pictures and not a single not nary a one is in focus oh but yeah you should have asked someone else to take pictures well see

that's where i run into trouble where people are having fun with their families and loved ones and they're like happy in a relationship it's like this single woman being like hey excuse me i'm alone i'll be like this for a while take a picture of me so i have a morsel of happiness and i was like i don't want to do that i don't want to be a little golem asking for a picture but otherwise I'm easy breezy happy to go places by myself I'm going to send you a selfie

stick okay do you feel like that would help I think I can handle I think I can handle a selfie stick but then I'm like look at that sad woman alone with her selfie stick and i don't want people to think that about me it's also so funny that i think anyone is thinking about me do you know what i mean like we're all so into ourselves yeah nobody gives a shit not one person

noticed that i was there by myself i mean yeah i mean i think i think all performers and and actors have like some level of narcissism because it's like look at me i have something to say and it's important you must pay attention to me yeah and i think life is about balance you know i think a little sprinkle of a little narcissism isn't like i said sprinkle before anyone fucking cancels me a little sprinkle of a little narcissism you know get that confidence, a little delusional confidence. Yeah. Goes a long way. I mean, that's how actors get jobs.

Honestly. You have to be delusional. You walk into a room with eight other people who look identical to you and you're like, they're going to pick me. That's insane. That's literal delusion. It's crazy. It's even more delusional because like i've never gone into a room because i graduated during the pandemic so everything has been like

digital so in my mind there aren't even other bitches like it's just me oh that's literally insane that's truly so wild what a dream what a dream no here's what you've missed out on driving to a lot parking a full mile away from where you need to be and it's 82 degrees no and you're dressed in snow things because it takes place at a ski resort and then you gotta walk the mile and then you get there and then there's 20 other women who look identical to you or you miss the black session and you're sitting with a bunch of asian women and you're like they don't know what the fuck they want this is awful i'm glad i missed it i would have blown a gas i mean very very lucky but i will say i do miss going into a room because you get adjustments if it's a tape i mean if it's

on zoom you get adjustments but like a tape i watched a movie where i didn't get the part and i was like oh i did it the exact opposite way if they had just told me what they wanted i could have just done that but hey you know they didn't want it they don't want it wait were you into yale i did i'm smart yale school of drama or yale yale oh y'all school of drama bitch okay what is it like to go to a um upper crust ivy league fucking world renowned conservatory uh tiring it's a lot uh you cry a lot there was a point in time where like i didn't remember the day like i couldn't remember what day of the week it was and to find out what day of the week it was you just think back to the last time you cried and you're like okay i cried in movement and that's on

tuesday and that was two days ago so today is th Thursday. Damn. But like, true story. Or like the last time someone else in your class cried. Not even kidding. So it was hard. It was a lot. But I loved it. I loved the people most of all. When you first, I mean, when you think of Yale, I mean, I thought of, like, sweater vests and, like, a bunch of, like, old white people.

But, like, the Yale School of Drama, which it's there. Let me not, you know. But the Yale School of Drama really operates in its, like, own bubble. weird, queer, beautiful, like, people who are just, like, too weird and too good for this world. And we kind of just, like, stay in the basement and create art. And then at the end of the three years, they're like, take this piece of paper. You are now a master. But I loved it oh my god it was so good and i'm still really good friends with a good bunch of them um and even the ones that i'm not like terribly close to anymore like trauma bonds so like you know what i mean like they say like the yo mafia is a thing and it's definitely in a it's a thing um because you know trauma bonds so if they if they were ever to

hit me up i'd be like yeah what do you need you're a loser that's so funny trauma bond i mean it's not funny but it's true it is true trauma does bond because it's true you know what i mean i think that's why that's why i love comedy Because comedy is the most fucked up thing in this world. But it's true, which just makes it funny. I agree. Real quick, we have to take a break. And we're back. Anyway, okay.

So you are six foot two inches tall. Yes yes i am is this true or is this a projection no it's true i'm six foot two how do you know have you measured yourself constantly constantly and i always used to say i had this one teacher in undergrad that was like say you're six one because six one says majestic says like otherworldly, says statuesque. 6'2 says shit, she's big. So for a long time, I would say that I'm 6'1, but I am now. I'm big. I'm 6'2.

Damn. That's truly wild. I know. What? An inch is majestic and then an inch is too big that's where the line is wow that is where the line is between six one and six two wow a lot of acting teachers and just adults in general say some really fucked up shit where you're like what the fuck an acting teacher told me i would never have a television career because my face did too much

it was too expressive like a cartoon and i was like oh so i i don't know that was just like be in the back of my brain and auditions i'm like don't move your face too much but guess what it is what it is and it's a and it's what brings you your money like it's so stupid it's it's it's like your face nicole is directly tied to your bag it really is uh which is so wild and it's a beautiful thing truly spent so long trying to tame myself until it was like oh i make money dude dude be in me great i had this one teacher to tell me because when when i was about to graduate you know i had i was going to sign a lease to new york um but i hate new york but i had this idea that i had to do new york because i had a teacher tell me to never do la because i wasn't pretty enough for la

they're like yeah and then so i was like i guess I have to go to New York, whatever, with the fucking rats and this piss. Oh, my God. Yeah. And then and then the pandemic hit, you know, and then I mean, you know what happened? Everything kind of shut down. So I just ended up going home and then everything became virtual. And then the first thing i booked was in la and i was like fuck you bitches yeah fuck that also there's so many i don't know they're like i feel like acting teachers are old people and in like the 90s i feel like there were such interesting character actors and there was interesting leads and shit and i was like i understand now it kind of skews like everyone kind of looks the same but i was like but why why would you steer someone away because they have an unusual look i'm like that might make you bookable

and it's so sad because like when you're this was an undergrad so like you're just i mean you're coming from high school you're so impressionable and you still haven't like learned that like a teacher's opinion is just a teacher's opinion they're gonna be throwing you like they're gonna be throwing you stuff they're gonna be throwing you balls and you know what you don't hit at every pitch you just don't sometimes you gotta let them go on by and but at the time you know you take them as like law and like i just remember like being like damn well i knew i wasn't like a 10 but damn bitch i put on makeup put on makeup. Sometimes I feel like pretty. Yeah.

And it's like, fuck off. Yeah. Everyone is pretty to somebody. And then also it's like, my talents aren't tied in my looks. Honestly. There's a lot of ugly motherfuckers out there who are very talented. Who, who, and it's their lane. Like, there are people who are like very ugly but very talented and had they been born pretty they wouldn't have gone where they are yeah i think i absolutely get

it here's the question yeah y'all were y'all fucking at yale were y'all hooking up with each other? My first party at Yale, I was propositioned a threesome. And I was like, I've arrived. I think it's very funny that theater kids and techies are seen as nerds, but they're all just horny little freaks. When I got to acting school, everybody was fucking everybody. It's very incestual.

I mean, in class, you're asked to to like go like very like deep into your psyche and like you end up like admitting things or like doing things that you would only typically do with like a lover you know what i mean like we had this one exercise where like we were all pretending to be like like um what's it called like kindle the the like wood whatever in the forest i know i know no i know i've done it too you wear and then we're like all draped on like on top of each other's bodies and then like and then the teacher like you know like she like takes a flame and she's like very slowly and like you don't feel it until

you feel it and it ends up being like an an orgy that's what it fucking like if someone were to walk in it was like an orgy with clothes on yeah we used to have to i talked about this with uh somebody else but we have we used to have to tremor so we would do morning warm-ups yes and they would teach you to tremor which is just making like holding your muscle long enough for you to shake but i really just didn't fucking get it so i would just be wiggling around on these people being like oh i'm 18 what are we all doing but yeah a lot of fucking in a theater school a shit ton of fucking especially because like i don't like like i don't know like

liberal artists tend to be like the most like fluid people aren't there you know i think it's like a capacity for love you know what i mean like the more artistic you find yourself the more you realize that like all these things like gender and sexuality are like a construct and then you're just like well what the fuck is out there you know what i mean love is love love is love baby wait okay have you been in a relationship before baby okay so my i now say no i used to say yes because my first relationship was um with a much much much much older guy like eight years older than me and then how old were you i was like 16 17 and i was like that's fucking wild i was like baby you were a victim um so now i'm reclaiming and saying no okay i love that i love the reclaiming I will never understand a 20 plus year old dating a high schooler.

Especially now. So like he was, it was like eight, I was 16. He was eight, 24. And like, no one really knew either.

It was like under wraps that we were in the same, um, it was like a community theater. Like only like my sister knew it was crazy. Mm. Hmm. Yeah. That's not for me. And I'm glad that you're reclaiming it

that makes me happy makes me happy too bitch okay so you're on tinder you're on raya how long did it take you to get on raya too fucking long disrespectfully type of long um these motherfuckers are bullshit but then when i downloaded it i understood why i was like oh my god these are all just fucking models um yeah i was like oh god and then um yeah like real talk my my success rate on riot is just not as high as it is on other platforms yeah um which is fine whatever they're the one that's missing out um but i do like the idea of finding someone on riot because they tend to be more like ambitious and like have stuff going on yeah i feel like every profile i come across is like i'm traveling for these dates.

I'm the CEO of a little corporation I started myself that grosses me $10 billion. And I'm like, okay, that's fun. I'm into that. It does sound shallow, but I'm like, I would like a partner to have a little bit of money. So we go places. It's not shallow. I'm not saying you gotta be like a billionaire but like i don't know like i'm getting my shit together and like i've seen

relationships where where one of them was like the woman was the only breadwinner and it's just a lot of stress like my parents you know it's crazy yeah speaking of your parents um your dad was a preacher is a preacher yes pentecostal what was it like growing up with a man of god a man of the cloth as a daddy girl oh my god it was it was a lot it was tough um Very, oh God, literally. It was, it's this like love-hate relationship because like it would be a lie if I said there wasn't like good parts of it. And actually a big reason,

much like a lot of people who grew up in the church, you know, who are artists today, a big reason why I'm an artist is because of the church. Because the whole thing's a fucking play. You know what I mean? And the sense of community is beautiful. And like the true values, not the values that like people make up. But like, you know know everything is based on love and and and you know love for one another and i love all that shit that shit's beautiful

but the older you get and especially when i went off to college and you get that distance from it you're like oh my god i was brainwashed um and yeah and it's tough trying to figure out who you are outside of it when when you know there are just things that you just don't agree with anymore so then you're left like well shit what what do i believe what do i know to be true yeah does that make sense it does make sense and i grew up in the church as well My mother was not a minister or preacher or anything, but she was very deeply religious and loved God and Kumbaya and all that shit. And I had to go like vacation Bible school and Sunday school and shit.

And then I grew up and I was like, this shit, they're stories, they're parables. I don't think it's meant to be taken literally. And I think it's wild that we sit here and we're like chastising and saying that, you know, God's going to, he's a, he's a, what do they say?

He's a vengeful God. I'm like, really? Yeah. Where's all the love y'all were talking about before? Like, what? It's, yeah. And it's, and the way, especially the way that religion is being used now, it's like, it's, it's's it's just about control and especially controlling women and and and like i remember oh my god i remember i think i was like hmm i think it was

like nine or ten or whatever i don't know it was no it was after let's see yeah it was like nine or ten because i got my period young i got my period when i was like seven and so by the time yeah girl so then by the time I was like nine to 12, I started to like develop a little bit. And I remember wearing this skirt that I started to fill out more and being called into, um, like an office and this, um, like one of the leaders of the church, like sat me down. It was like, you're going to make your brothers in Christ fall. And I was like, and I just remember feeling so guilty. I'm like, Oh my God, I, I, I, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. And so like that mentality and like, do I think it's, it's a complex issue because do I think the woman that was telling me this is like some like, what's that character's name in fucking Handmaid's Tale?

Like the really bad one. You know I haven't seen it. Bitch, you gotta get on that. It's such a good show. But I got, bitch, it's so good. I ain't never seen an episode. Bad Nicole. Oopsie.

Bad, bad, bad Nicole. Bad Nicole. Bad, bad, bad Nicole. Anyways, there's a really evil bitch that's super like, fuck women, whatever, whatever, whatever. Do I think she was like the devil? No, I think she's also like a victim of the issue at hand. You know what I mean? But like, because then you grow up and you're like, oh my God, I feel all this anger towards the church. And it's not, and it's not not and you think it's towards the people i first there was a time where like i blocked everyone from my

church i was like fuck them all i hate them all they all wanted to keep me down um they wanted to stop me from being who i am and like and now i've recently like unblocked him because i'm like oh my god no you're also you're also like a a victim of the system that's in place with this like thought that women have to cover themselves up so their brothers in christ don't fall as opposed to brothers in christ just not ogling a child yeah and it's like wild. And I was like, isn't there a verse about gouging your eyes out?

Like, let's talk about that. It's like, if you feel the need to feel lustful, you better take them eyes out. Scoop them out. Scoop them like a cantaloupe. Goodbye. But of course that's not what's followed.

What's followed is you have to wear a longer skirt. You can't show them titties. But what if the titties want to praise the Lord? Who gave me the titties? The good Lord. And he should be able to see them when he wants to in the church. Yes, he should. Here's a question that I'm sure a bunch of people ask you but do people go do you play

basketball when they see like when you stand up and you're like oh you're so tall all the fucking time though then they like see me be active and then they stop asking that question that's pretty funny they're like oh no the coordination is not there i just oh my god and and and i when i was really when i was like in middle school i played basketball because i was like well everyone keeps telling me that i should be good like this so fine whatever and i'd be so pissed by the time i get down to one end of the court the ball would be passed all the way to the back and they're like eat me out run you have long legs and i didn't really understand what that had to do with anything um i'm like it's still taking me double as long to get to the other side of the court so obviously my long legs don't fucking work so everyone shut

the fuck up and let me go home i remember being the game and looking at my coach this is how i knew it i should have known i was going to be an actress at this point i looked at this woman and i fully like had like viola davis tears like it was just like one or two tears coming down and i said my body hurts coach please take me out and that woman was just like no no you're not giving me any specifics. You're just saying your whole fucking body hurts. Stay in the game. That's funny. I played basketball for a wee short time.

And I, too, was like, so I got to run back and forth and jump and box out and fucking swipe the ball and grab. This is too much. out and fucking swipe the ball and grab reba this is too much and then i played as an adult and had a full-blown like asthma attack i don't have asthma but my body was like we cannot withstand this physical activity we haven't done physical activity in over a decade and i'll never forget my coach was oh god oh i just said i'll never forget but now it's like really escaping me um eugene cordero he was my coach and he i was like wheezing and coughing and like he was like are you okay and i was like eugene oh no he was like maybe you should sit down. And I was like, ah. And then I coughed and wheezed for a full three months after from one spout of physical activity. The body was not

made for that. No, and that's real. And you think I would have learned from my mistakes in middle school? Because then I got to high school and I'm like, I want to be cool. Let me go audition for the basketball team. Audition for the basketball team. I've prepared a soliloquy for the basketball team. Bitch, when I walked in through those doors, it was so funny seeing like the hope on the coaches' faces. Like, wow. Wow, we might have something here we might have a chance at states and then I get on that court and within like five minutes I fell four times

that's very funny that's honestly a dream a dream come true and then I left and signed up to audition for the spring musical. What was the first musical you were in? Ever was Beauty and the Beast. Who did you play? I was the one and only Beast. Yes, ma'am. You know, we all have to start somewhere. I love it.

And that production was highly illegal. And we used tracks from YouTube or something. Oh, that's perfect. Yeah. And it was in the OG key. And so it was like a baritone. So I'd have to use the octave when I couldn't hit those notes. It was very, very janky.

But I loved it. And they didn't want... so there was a girl playing Belle and they didn't want us like kissing at the end. So we just like embraced fondly, which arguably I think is way more homoerotic than if we would just like give each other a peck or something. Yeah, like a deep emotional embrace. Like it was like a good 15 seconds.

Yeah, that's what I think. You know, I agree with you. A little peck on the lips. Who fucking cares? It's nice. It's whatever. And then I was like, why are they hugging so long? I'm trying to think of what my first music.

Oh, it was Bye Bye Birdie. And I played one of the parents. And we had one song where it's kids. I don't know what's wrong with these kids today that's it I can't sing it's really a point of contention for myself because I

would be booked on a national tour of something till the day I die but I can't sing oh do you sing at all I do I actually started singing my daddy's church see that's nice yeah my goal is to have an ep just putting that out there oh like an album i was like an executive producer for now for songs jesus christ my brain is dead so wait okay

so you do do like other athletic things you pull dance yes yes and i was telling um um i'm your producer that um i pull this because of you bitch i yes so like the for like two years i like would follow like a lot of pole dancers on my instagram i would just like look at them and i'd be like oh maybe when i finally lose the weight, I guess. And then I came across on one of your videos. I was like, if that bitch is doing it, why the fuck can't I? And then that week I signed up for my full, my first pole dancing. And then when I moved to LA, I was like, this bitch pole dances. And it's like eight minutes from my apartment. So now I go.

Yeah. Oh, I love that. Yeah. It's really funny. I like would wait to do things until I like lost a little weight or whatever. And then my friend Eleanor, I was like, what if I break the pole? She was like, she like sent me a video of like eight people on a pole. She was like, if all these eight, eight, eight people can be be on this pole you one person could be on it and then i thought about

it and i was like yeah if eight fins can be on a pole one that can be on a pole because equals one that that's science yeah and i have yet to rip out the pole in my house out of the wall me neither so i did i got the i i did i was doing a turn and this was not even the pole it was me i didn't install it right um like i knew it was a little off but i was like it'd be fine i'll just like extra and turns out that's not how like physics work no and i did and the pole did fall but it's not because i'm fat it was because i didn't install it right it happens to the thins all the time it does happen to the thins there's lots and lots of videos of thins pulling their poles right out of the wall yeah but also do you climb can you go

can you go upside down i i can't go upside down. I can climb. I haven't I the last three months I haven't been in the studio because I've just been so busy. But I've been back and I'm and I'm going to go see if I can still climb. But yes, I can climb. I just can't go upside down, though. Same climbing. I mean, it goes and comes. It's very like the way the wind blows today, I can climb. I feel that. The wind blew a different way.

I can't do it today. I think me going upside down, I think it's a mental thing. Because, like, I was pole dancing for maybe a year, still not getting my climb. Just frustrated as fuck. And I was taking a conditioning class at Luscious Maven with Veronica. She's my favorite. I love her. I love her I love her she's so nice and she'll literally go home and think about how a move she can make a move work for you better yes I love and I'm like all exercise people should do that instead of being like oh this fat ass it's like how can this fat ass do it differently

yes and i love her for it and she um i was like telling her i was so frustrated i was like i can't climb and she was like can you dead hang and i was like i was like yeah she's like dead hang for me and i could do it for like like a solid like 25 seconds it was like you can climb she's like she's like it's mental do it do it do it and then i did it and then i was like you can't cry in class but it was amazing i i think i think being not being able to go upside down is also like a mental thing because i do that i mean oh my god the when you said like holding off things to do and like waiting until like i lost more weight or something bitch i've if i could be a spokesperson for that person that'd be and it's so dumb and like and like it's it's also interesting and frustrating how pervasive that mentality is because then you beat that and you're like, fuck it, I'm going to go to the pole class.

And then you think that you're not that person anymore, but then you realize everything is everything. And actually that mentality has actually like sleep through in other aspects of my life. And you're like, oh my God, what else am I holding back? Because I'm a big bitch you know and i think if you like think about it it's a lot of things yes like i know sometimes i don't really put myself out there dating wise because i'm like nobody wants this fat bitch bitch tell me how i think it was like two weeks ago. I don't know. But there was like, what's it called? Like a like a like a social event, but for like singles or whatever. Mm hmm. When the when the game with the with the ball was called soccer.

I don't know. Are they kicking the ball or throwing the ball? I think they're kicking the ball. So I think it's soccer. Soccer. And then there was like it was when like the tournament was going on. I don't know. You could tell I think it's soccer. Soccer. And then there was like, it was when like the tournament was going on. I don't know.

You could tell I'm a sports person. Can you not? World Cup. That one. This is fun. I really, this is a real treat for me. I like hearing things described and then calling out what I think it is. You win, bitch.

You win. And there was like a singles event to like watch the thing. And I was planning to go with one of my best friends and then he ended up not going and then i was just like well i can't beat the fat bitch that goes alone i was like they're gonna think i'm the fat bitch that goes alone yeah but then it's like if you really break it down it's like it's a singles event yes so it's like everybody there is single hopefully

and then it's like you're there to meet somebody so it's like even if you brought a friend you're still trying to like make a different friend or like you know fuck somebody so it's like why not go alone but it's like yeah you're worried about being rejected preemptively yeah that's exactly that's exactly what my therapist said oh my god nicole well i just talked about this today with my therapist i was like i'm fine being rejected in my career it's they i'm not the person they wanted and that's fine there's other roles for me that i know i'm gonna book but it's like will i book the role of a girlfriend bitch tell me how i was the role of a wife I was literally I was literally having this conversation with my therapist I was like Kim you know I can see where my career is gonna end up

crystal clear I may not know how I'm gonna get there I may not know what's gonna be in between but at the end bitch I'm gonna be somebody and like i guess i i can pass a lie detector test and tell me how i have such difficulty picturing myself in a relationship yeah because it's like well what the fuck does it look like it's like i've seen myself on television yeah i've seen myself you know doing little bit parts of movies here and there. But it's like, what does it look like to have someone in my home? I mean, I barely get used to my dog that lives with me. I love my dog.

What's your dog's name? His name is, well, his full name is King Tobias III. There is no first or second. I just thought it sounded really good. That's pretty funny i like that what a treat and then but i call him tub for short oh is he there he's sleeping in the other room i see i'm just napping time clyde's napping on a pillow he is my king i love him the other night i looked him dead in the eyes and I was like, you're the only man I can depend on.

And then he just cocked his head at me because he was like, none of that sounded like treat or walk or dinner. I don't know what the fuck she's talking about. And then I started laughing so hard because I was like, yeah, now I'm a single lady sitting in my house, just like whispering to my dog Nicole I've had the same exact um conversation with my dog I mean and it's true it's uh it's

he gives me kisses and I'm like he's excited when I come home I was like wow you love me I love that yeah my dog loves me he's got the stinkiest breath, but he loves me so much. And I don't care. And I don't care. No. I'm like, wow, that's how you know I love him. Yeah. Because it's like this hot breath idiot

that I have to pick up his shit. I let him live in my home. Best love. Okay, here's a question. Your career is like fucking like, it's hot. It's hot. She's in things, you know?

She's moving. She's's hot she's in things you know she's moving she's moving she's booking um if you met a man who checked every fucking box he's the perfect height he looks good to you he's got a job he's got money he he's kind he's caring he's giving he uh he's like all your love languages and he responds to them he got badass dick that's nice dick she got good and every time you want it not too much not too little but he says you work too much and i need you to slow down what would you do well he's not my She passed. Therapy is working. Ding, ding, ding. Correct answer. Yeah, I feel the same way. I'm like, if I had a partner who made me in any way feel like I work too much

or they wanted me to like be home more, it's like this is not sustainable. That's insecurity. Because I know when I am working at full capacity, I know what it feels like for me when I am doing too much. Because I do think that is a valid concern when someone doesn't know how to balance work and care. Workaholic is a thing. But don't tell me where my capacity is like I I I can do a lot bitch and

if you can't keep up well that's on you yeah you know what I mean and and I I saw this video yesterday I think it was like when like Meryl Streep met her um met her husband and and he said something to the effect of like would just let her like shine and and like this is the same thing like she was like a big thing why she fell in love with him was because like he he appreciated her her like work ethic and her dreams and and what she wanted to accomplish mr streep have we ever seen him no one, and I love that. Me too. I would love someone who's like... And he's a painter, so he's still like our T-shirt. I'm looking at Meryl Streep's husband,

which is the best part of this episode. Me typing. Don Gummer. Yes, Mr. Don Gummer. Oh, he looks like he would love a Meryl Streep. Yeah. Yeah, and I've never even... and I went to school with Louisa. And Meryl would come and see her.

And I still haven't met Mr. Don. Louisa Jacobson? Mm-hmm. I didn't know that she had a daughter named Louisa. I knew about Mamie. Mamie, Mamie, Mamie Gumner. Mamie Gumner. What a fun last name.

Gumner. Oh boy, she's having fun on her own. So you've met Meryl. Tell me about that. Meryl is a little weirdo, but in the best way. Okay. i was in a production with we were doing um the checkoff play with with the fucking bird three sisters no with the bird uh uh uh the seagull okay thank you yes so we were in the seagull together i was playing nina and and she

was playing um arcana and it was what i mean it was one of my favorite plays to do at Yale. It was definitely top three. And, oh, while the play is going on, this is also the show that my mom and my aunt were at. And they just happened to sit directly in back of Meryl. And my mother doesn't speak English, like, at all. But she's very supportive. doesn't speak English like at all but she's very supportive and anytime she's in a play of mine if anyone else is laughing she'll laugh louder without even like knowing the joke you know she wants to support me and in this wine scene I'm like doing this monologue and it's one

of those that like it's funny but then it like flips really hard and it's like a beautiful and poignant whatever and I'm monologuing the shit out of that fucking monologue and it gets really serious and then all of a sudden you just hear a cackle and I'm like that's my mom

and afterwards because my sister was with her too apparently I had like turned around and just like looked at her. And my aunt was like, it's okay. That's her daughter. She's like, my daughter seems. Her name is Nuri. So that happened.

And then after the show, she like grabs my face and she was like, she's this little thing and her eyes take up half of her face with her glasses. Super duper cute. And she grabs my face and she was like, you got it, kid. You got it. And I was like, I have Meryl's stamp of approval. No one can tell me anything, though. That's nice.

That's so nice what a nice fucking story to have in your heart and just bring out on a rainy day when you're like boohoo wait a minute meryl fucking streeps and i got it i got it i got that shit that's nice what other plays did you do at yale i'm very curious because we at my conservatory we didn't do full length plays we just did selected scenes from plays oh ew yeah i did my favorite plays i did twelfth night at the yale rep i played mariah um you would be an amazing mariah i know i love twelfth night it's my favorite shakespeare play it's the only one that i like midsummer night's dream i think is overrated and then no i do like romeo and juliet

um and then i do like hamlet and macbeth is fine fine but 12th night i think is so fun it's the only one i like i know they're meant to be seen and not read yeah but it's the only one i read that i was like oh yum yum yum yum yum the the language and what's happening is so like luscious and fun but yeah i do like 12th night i also like she's the man. What a great piece. A masterpiece of American cinema. I genuinely think it's a masterpiece. I think it's so fucking funny. I love it.

I want to have one of those rom-coms under my belt too. I want to have a rom-com where it's like, I come from the city and I go into the country and meet a liberal cowboy who finds me annoying at first and I find him disgusting, but then we're locked in a cellar, no way out. And so we play a game of Monopoly and we have amazing chemistry and I get cold so he takes off his shirt to keep me warm and i get a good look of his 12 abs and then we fuck and then we get married i mean this is where's lifetime mr lifetime here's a movie for you wait Wait, we have to take another break. This is so late in the episode.

Sorry, Mars. Let's take a break. Woo! Be-bop, boo-bop, we're back. Sorry to interrupt you. But yeah, truly, that's a Lifetime movie. That's delightful. That would be the dream.

Not the dream, but like a dream. It could be the could be the dream whatever like that's your dream for now then you have another dream later that's what sleep is for many dreams happen you're so right i yeah i want to be in a rom-com too because i feel like the rom-coms the fats have gotten are very far and few in between and then they're not even real fats no they're like slight fats who are like ouch i bumped my head and suddenly i think i'm pretty and it's like what if the fat went into it with no question about her beauty i was literally having this conversation with my friend um yesterday we were watching um what's it called we were watching one of my favorites my big fat greek wedding and i i don't know what it is.

I remember her. I remember seeing the movie when I was younger and I remember her being much bigger. Yeah. When she is, that bitch is like a size 12. Like maybe a 10, you know? I was like, that bitch isn't big at all. And like, and that happens a lot.

Like, like that one character from like Degrassi. There's a shit ton of characters that we were told were like the fat one. It's just because they have round faces and people seem to not understand that round faces does not equate fat. Because I've seen some very thin faces and seen the bottom and been like, damn. And I've seen some round faces and seen the bottom and said, oh, so slim. like damn and i've seen some round faces and seen the bottom and said oh so slim it's it is funny like what we were fed as fat in the like 90s and 2000s it like blows my fucking mind and i saw this one tiktok of um what's her name she's gorgeous um um um the first plus size model on on onrated. What's her name?

Oh, she's got dark hair, Ashley Graham. Yes, yes, yes. How like when she first broke out, it was like this huge thing. And then I saw the picture that they used. I was like, that bitch isn't even like, oh my, she has hips. That's what she has.

Yeah, I feel like it's okay. So one of my favorite things on the internet is i love my curvy wife do you know who this man is i just saw a video about him on youtube like 20 minutes before i really on this call yes bitch that man is i am obsessed with him. I need, like, a study into this man. Because... Yes. You go. You go first. Well, it was like he came into the zeitgeist being like,

I'm not ashamed that my wife is slightly bigger than others. Yeah, my friends maybe would make fun of me for liking a curvy woman, but I love my curvy wife. And then you see the wife and you're like, wow, I mean, she's just a normal woman. If anything, she's this new thing that people call mid-sized, which I really hate because I'm like, you're just healthy. I don't know. You're just your normal weight. I don't understand what the persecution of a mid-sized woman is you can still

find clothes you don't have to order everything online i'm shipping shit in overseas and it's still don't fit and i'm like where's the spandex the tiny hands are not selling right but i'm just like what what is this like a mid-size like here's my haul it's so hard being me and not saying that you know people's lives aren't hard but it's just like I keep seeing these like very normal looking women being like look at this here's I don't know whatever but I saw her and I was like I would be devastated if my husband made such a big deal about me having titties and hips. And now she's on a fitness journey. Yes. And he, I can't, oh,

the video I saw was like, how do, how do I feel about my wife, Gwen, from curvy to slim, thick? Don't care. I love my slim,

thick wife. And I was like, the branding is still there. And, and he's a rapper now. Yes. And he's got a song about liking thick women. Nicole, all his songs are about thick women.

All of them. All of them. I was like, which one? I have no idea. The song that you are referring to, I have no idea which one you're referring to. They're all about liking fat women. And it warms my heart because I was following following them not like really following them but i would check in every now and again and they bought a house uh they i think they have like clothing

or something they do a ton of brand deal and i was like they really rode this this wave of fatness that there wasn't any of to the bank let me let me roll my fucking fatness to the bank and really fucking cash in come on i like i i go back and i because also there's also a part of me that's like wow you're giving him a platform for liking a person like in the, what's the standard solo. Okay. Yeah. I mean, theoretically, I would love for my partner to shout their love for me from the rooftops, but I don't want it to be looks based. Like I would love someone to be like, I love my sexy, talented wife.

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. No, I fully, fully, fully agree. Because, I mean, it goes both ways, right? Like, I think men who only like the models because they're like what they look like, you know what I mean? They're not really liking the person. They're just like that she looks like Gigi Hadid, you know what I mean?'s not really liking the person they're just like what what what does she look like gg hadid you know what i mean it goes the other way too it's just it's just less

i'm not even gonna say it's less common because there are motherfuckers out there that love themselves a fat baby yeah it's just less popular or like less mainstream i should say but like it's the same thing you know what i mean so it's like so if i lost 100 pounds you're not gonna love me anymore like get the fuck out of here yeah and that's like weird to think about but as we know from curvy wife or curvy wife loving husband she did lose some weight and now she's slim thick and he still loves her and that's the moral of the story of this episode of why won't you date me you may lose a couple pounds you'll remain slim thick and you will find love no i'm kidding i don't know we have come to the end i do have a question yeah what's up i think i know what's happening

would you date me of course nicole of course. Thank you. It's always nice and like a confidence booster to like go through the rest of my day being like somebody would date me. Feels nice. Wait, okay. Do you have anything you want to promote before we get the fuck up out of here? Everyone, the full seasons of one and two of Sex lives of college girls is out now on HBO max. Um, yeah. If you love me, tell me slip into those D my DM slip in. I was literally just saying slip into those DMS. What is your Instagram? What are your handles what is my name it's ilia isorelis paulino um you're gonna look me up on imbd to find that and uh and uh my twitter is paulino ilia

wait you went to south africa to shoot was it pretty it was gorgeous it was gorgeous did you have time to just like hang out yes a lot of time to hang out okay what's there to see in south africa did you see big elephants um everything um that's the one thing i didn't do i didn't do safari and i deeply regret it but if we get a season two that's the first thing that i'm gonna do is ghost elephants because i love elephants i love elephants too and i just found out that brooklyn beckham is now a photographer and he released a coffee table book or he's going to release a coffee table book and there's um a picture from just literally google brooklyn um brooklyn beckham coffee table book and the one picture from it is just a blurry elephant

with the caption beautiful in person tough to capture and on a photo and i was like but that's the deal this is a coffee table book what do you mean like that's your job wait okay another part of the podcast that people love where i'm gonna google it for you so you can see it i googled it last night because it really made me laugh harder than anything in the whole world. The caption says elephants in Kenya. So hard to photograph, but incredible to see. That's the fucking picture that's going to be in a book. Oh, no.

It's backlit and you literally can't even tell it's an elephant. That's horrible. That's giving. I totally forgot my deadline was next week oh god it really brings me joy i love it so much okay we've wrapped we've come we've wrapped up jesus christ we've come to the end truly sometimes when i'm doing episodes of this podcast it is like I've never recorded an episode before I'm like how do we end it well this is it okay thank you so much for being here you're so great on the sex lives of college girls I the two episodes I watched I was like oh baby this is fun I like skipped around um what i did was i was just looking for episodes

where you were i would just look for you in scenes um because just to prepare for this interview and then i went back and watched a full episode anyway great thank you so much for being here um if you like this episode of why won't you date me you can like it you can rate it you can subscribe on apple podcast if you write me something nasty hitting on me no dick pics none of that shit marissa doesn't like it um you can write me something this nice person said hey big sexy i know you don't like soup so how about i eat gazpacho out of your butthole instead while you watch ghost on repeat we could talk about how our zodiac signs clash and we try to make it work anyway but it doesn't so you let me keep your tooth as a souvenir because i cleaned your butthole like an ant eater eats ants love your funnies if you're ever in columbus just kidding

i know you hate it here it's pretty funny i fucking hate ohio it's one of the worst states um but if you live there i get it you're trapped okay bye bye that's it for why won't you date me with me nicole byer why won't you date me is produced and engineered by oh the sweetest woman i know marissa melnick it is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotaroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with

a brand new episode. What a dream. What a dream. This has been a team coco production