Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - The Story of a Kissless Virgin (w/ Benton Ray)

Episode Date: July 15, 2022

Comedian Benton Ray is a kissless virgin. He chats with Nicole about the circumstances of this choice, they learn new terms for different sexual orientations, and what it means to go "basket shopping" for a partner.  Plus, Benton matches with straight guys on Tinder? There's a lot to unpack here.  Black Lives Matter. Click here for an updated list of over 100 different things you can do to support racial justice.   Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746 

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, tries to figure out how I'm still single. Even though you could take me to Des Moines, Idaho. I don't think that's where Des Moines is. Whatever, you could take me to a shitty fucking town, leave me there. And then I will hitchhike my way back home, knock on the door and say, I still love you. My guest today is a comedian, podcaster and makeup lover.

They co-hosted the Good For You podcast with Whitney Cummings and now has a new hilarious series called You Did This, where they interview comedians while they do a timed makeup look with no prior instructions. Ooh, get ready to have your nasty little ears have the sounds. I don't know. I'm dying. I'm so tired. I love it. Okay. Oh, they're funny.

It's a Benton race. Hello. Let me tell you, it's Glitch City over here. So I was like, yes, yes, yes. And I was like, should I talk now? I was waiting on my name because I couldn't hear it. Oh, I'm so sorry. Well, can you hear me now, Benton?

I can hear you now. Okay. Well, Benton, it's nice to see you. It's nice to see you, Nicole. Okay, well, Vendon, it's nice to see you. It's nice to see you, Nicole. We haven't really talked since you opened for me in... Where were we? Nashville.

Nashville, and then you didn't come to stand-up live in Huntsville, did you? No, I was supposed to, but it got double booked. Like, you had booked me, and then the club booked someone else. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. That was a fun weekend in Nashville. You were great. You were so funny. It was so fun.

I still tell people to this day, it was one of my favorite shows I've ever done. Your audience members are so much fun. Thank you. I mean, I'm not responsible for it, but my crowds typically are like really sickening. Like they're just, they're down to fucking clown. They like when you go a little weird. They stay with you on premises. Like I really do love doing live shows because my crowds are just, they're great.

Sometimes unruly, but very good. That's all part of it though. But you have to take credit for a little bit of that, Nicole. I mean, you definitely attract people. You know what I mean? People go to see people like them. You know, they go to see somebody that makes them feel connected. So you are creating that crowd.

You are the fans you have. You know what I mean? Oh, Benton, thank you. Okay, Benton, are you single? Are you dating? What's going on? I am single. Fun fact, I'm like super single. I'm probably more single than you. Why do you say this? I've never dated anyone. I've never kissed anyone. I'm a virgin. Oh, wait. I think I did know this about you.

Yes, I am. Okay. Can we get into it? Is that okay? Yeah, let's talk about it. I mean, I brought it up. It's my fault, right? Well, sometimes you bring up things that you're like, you know what?

I don't want it. And that's perfectly okay if you don't want it. But can we talk about it? Let's do it. Let's talk about it. Okay. Is this a choice? Well, yeah, it's a choice.

Yes. So, I mean, I hope. But also, I will say there's two sides of it. There's like one side that I think very much is just like I've never met anyone that I have an interest in doing those things with. And I'm like totally content with that. And then on the other hand, I think there is a part of me that it's kind of like a defense mechanism from being younger i grew up like in the middle of nowhere the south and i learned really early on that the thing that people that people don't really care about if someone's um lgbtq or different as long as they're like an accessory to them as long as they're like the best friend or they can like you know take them shopping or it's just it's the sexual part of those things people don't like and so I think I kind of told myself younger I was like oh if I can like not have crushes and not care about like being

attracted to people that I can kind of like no one ever be like oh this you know gay boys he he's hitting on us or he likes us because I kind of neuter that part of it I kind of protect myself and I do think that kind of that kind of bled over a little bit into my adulthood. But also, I think a lot of it now is just like, I just haven't met anyone that I really care for any of that stuff with. Interesting. But I would like to, so let's figure it out. Okay. So, what are you attracted to?

And maybe you're asexual is that no I used to love that was a very quick no no no because

I've thought about it so much like I've thought about it so much to the point where like and I could be wrong but my understanding of asexual is that

like you just don't have the desire to be sexual uh huh I think yes and I feel like I have the desire to be sexual I just don't have the desire to be sexual. Uh-huh. I think. Yes. And I feel like I have the desire to be sexual.

I just don't have like, I'm just not going to like throw myself out there and be like, I'm going to find it. Because you could find it. It's just not, I think, my mindset of it. But I don't think I'm asexual because I've definitely thought about that. But I used to love to tell people I was because nothing shuts that conversation down faster than being like I'm asexual but then I quit doing it because I thought it was like maybe a little rude for me to just be claiming a thing I'm not so maybe you're demisexual um I know that uh demisexual I think it's where you need to have like a connection okay so i just found a bunch of terms it's when you have to have sex with demi lovato playing in the background you have to have sex with demi lovato oh and uh aromantic that's someone who experiences little to no romantic

attraction regardless of sex or gender intros autosexual A person who's sexually attracted to themselves? Wait, you can be attracted to yourself? Yes. Someone's desire to engage in sexual behaviors such as masturbation does not... Oh, that doesn't determine whether they're autosexual, but it's someone who's literally attracted to themselves. What does determine?

That's crazy. I didn't know that was even an option because I might weigh that one. There's so many. So demisexual, that's on the asexual spectrum. This sexual orientation describes people who have experienced sexual attraction only under specific circumstances. Interesting. Graysexual, what's that? Graysexual?

That's not asexual or aromantic. It's somewhere in the middle. This is a lot. Yeah, that feels like it could be anything. It just feels like everyone would be that one. Boy, oh, boy. Omnisexual. Similar to pansexual.

Ooh. Okay, hold on. Sapiosexual. Oh, sexual attraction based on intelligence? Oh, that'd be a tough one. Yeah, I'm not sapiosexual. You better give me a dummy. Yeah, me, right.

I'm like, I want the one holding up the fish in the picture. Yeah, he likes to fish, and there's nothing else in that brain. You better work. Okay, so you're working on it you're looking are you on the apps i'm not an app person i have tried the apps because i'll try anything as far as like like i'm not like nobody likes me but i'm not gonna try i don't really talk about it that much but i'm trying um and so yeah i've done the apps i i personally never have good experiences on them. I don't know about you, but it's not for me.

No, I'm having a terrible time. It's the worst. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. The last time that I got on an app, a man who was 28, I was 30 at the time, told me that I was a cougar. And I don't even know if I'm allowed to be a cougar. I mean, I feel like older gentlemen identifying people are daddies and i think a cougar is for a woman but also i don't fucking know but also there's a two-year age gap you're you're contemporaries i was like are we being

are people being ages this early is this is this happening like this soon it's just always a lot it's a lot of like the same question i mean i don't know this is what it is like for straight people but a lot of the times um i would the interaction is like very similar it's like what are you looking for and i was like well i was just looking to talk on this app like but it always has to be like something more like but i'm like i don't know you so i'm not looking for a lot um i've gotten everything that ranges from like you want to fuck to like hi how are you or to like straightforward can i take you out on a date and those are my favorite my favorite is uh my favorite message i've ever gotten is hi you're cute have you ever been or can i take you on a date yeah because it's like sure okay um i refuse to go back and forth on an app because people you can make up a whole different person when you

don't hear the voice or like inflections or like what they actually look like yeah or like what they smell like so like for me a couple back and forths and we got to get out into the real world baby yeah i mean i feel like i at least need like a name like i feel like we're skipping names like i mean we're i was like i was like we need like a hobby like what do you like i need to know something about what i'm walking into i mean if i mean it's not i would sign up for a blind date like that's not but i i will say i'm i mostly also have the problem where almost every app I'm on, I end up matching with more straight guys or curious guys than I do anything else. Which always shocks me because I feel like I very much, in my mind anyways, I feel like guys like that are more attracted to like super effeminate. And I know that I'm very effeminate, but I feel like I do fall somewhere visually in the middle of effeminate and masculine.

So I'm always like so shocked by their interest. But like nine times out of ten, I have more messages from quote unquote curious or straight men than I ever, ever do gay people on those apps. And so then I'm just like. Interesting. I was like, so now this just feels like self-harm. I don't want to be your dirty little secret. Right. Wait, so you've never been kissed.

You're like that Drew Barrymore movie, which I love very much. Have you never been in a position to be kissed? I know. Like, you're adorable. Thank you. Like, I feel like people be trying to smooch you all the time. I feel like I get many a compliment from a woman women all day are like your eyes you're gorgeous you're beautiful you're and i'm

like thank you thank you thank you um because i feel the same way about you i feel the same way about women's um because i mean nothing is more embarrassing than being attracted to men like i mean like have you met men i think it's i it's sad it's you know But no, I mean, to answer your question, no. I mean, I grew up in such a small town. I was being gothic. I was being accused of witchcraft, as most people know. It was rough for me. No one was really around to kiss me.

I was running from villagers. Uh-huh. And then as I got older, I think it was just like, you don't miss what you didn't have, you know? Fair. So, no, I think it was just like, you don't miss what you didn't have, you know? Fair. So, no, I've just never really been— Maybe one time. I kind of sort of went on one date one time with this guy that I do still kind of talk to. And we've talked for literally seven years at this point.

Seven years? Yeah, seven years. He's a joke. But seven years. But the one time we did meet, I was like— It was very, like years. He's a joke. But seven years. But the one time we did meet, I was like, it was very like, he came to my apartment. It was very nice. We hung out. It was just like talking.

We watched a movie. We ordered Chili's because he's like, Chili's is my favorite restaurant. I was like, red flag. I mean, he's a keeper. You better believe I love a Southwestern egg roll. Oh, me too. Which is exactly what I said too. But then in my head, I was also like, wait a minute.

Are you trying to keep me indoors? But it was very cute. And then like one of my smoke alarms started going off. And he like climbed up this ladder and he like fixed it. And he was like, hold this hammer. I don't know why we needed a hammer for the smoke detector. But that's not my business. And I was like, he was coming down like off this like ladder or whatever the hell he was standing on. And I was like, and he was coming down, like, off this, like, ladder or whatever the hell he was standing on.

And I was like, in my head, I was like, this is it. This is the moment I'm about to be smooched. Oh, yes. And this fool literally reached right behind me, put that hammer on the dresser, and turned his back. Then he spent the night with me. Oh. Yeah, we still never kissed. Wait, were you in the same bed?

Yeah, and we still never kissed wait were you in the same bed yeah and we still never kissed and then he went home the next day and we've just been friends i guess forever wait that's truly wild to sleep in someone's bed and not even be like hey would you like it i'm not saying like you know you sleep in the same bed you deserve a kiss but yeah i feel like you climb in the bed and you go can i have a kiss i would at least ask you know there's nothing wrong with asking how interesting but that would have been so fucking cute like what a treat for him to climb down put the hammer down and be like i know i was like i was like this is like a movie it's gonna be very cute like you just fix something that shouldn't have been broken to begin with and then you're like being very helpful i'm like this is so nice and then nothing happened and i i definitely did not say anything would you have said something actually would you have been like

uh excuse me now the next day i was like what the fuck was going on i was like i have a couple questions um but in the moment i would have been like are you gonna kiss me oh i would never do that i'm i think it's because i spend so tell me if i mean i guess you don't like this based on the answer but as a comedian and stuff don't you think you spend so much time like being quote unquote like in control of a room or a crowd or the way people see you that when it comes to relationships you're like i don't want to be in control of this. I don't want to raise this situation. No. No. No.

I love being in control of everything. I try to control relationships and dates and how they go. Oh, you're a power bottom. I'm very much a power bottom. If someone had gotten close enough to me, I'd be like, you can kiss. You can kiss. I love being in control.

Um, I do not like relinquishing control at any time. Uh, probably why I'm single. Cause I'm trying to make things happen with like wheeling and dealing. And so just letting things happen. You are, you're a power bottom. See,

I'm rock bottom. I'm like, if you hit this, you may want to change your life. Oh no. Wait, Ben, did you watch any reality television based around love

um i watch love island because nothing makes me happier than when people get in a fight on on love island uk and they're like listen here scroped i can't fucking stand you going west absolutely scroped that's my favorite thing in the world did you watch love is blind i tried i tried to watch love is blind that's one where they're in the boxes right they're in like the milk yes they're in the pods and they have to find love and let me tell you i started with season two i don't know why but i watched it's incredible there's this one person on it named shane who is the funniest person he's like crunching on adderalls the whole time you You don't see it, but you see it in the eyes.

And there's this one scene where he's in the pods and every time they cut to him, he's in a different position. He is just moving. He like doesn't stop moving. He's pounding little bottles of red wine at one point. It's truly the most incredible show I've ever seen in my whole fucking life.

Yes. Hosted by Nick Lachey and Vanessa Lachey, who are on the second act of their careers hosting reality shows that they call Experiments. The second one is called The Ultimatum, which is another insane thing. The premise of the show is, I'm going to embarrass my partner by making them fly across the country

to meet Nick and Vanessa Lachey where I say either marry me or I'm gonna spend three weeks fucking somebody else and at the end of the three weeks I'm gonna come back to you and be mad that you're not this new fucking person

I'm having a honeymoon phase with and you're gonna get mad at me we're gonna fight and maybe we'll get married it's incredibly my god incredibly messy the last three episodes get pretty dark um okay wait i would watch that now i will say i have i sometimes i avoid i avoid reality shows because and you'll know this i like because you're a fan i love drag race and those girls are and i've been i've been lucky enough that I got to go and be like on the guest in Drag Race.

And you have been literally the queen of Drag Race. But literally, you know how hard those girls are working? Like they're learning dance routines and choreography for $100,000. And then you have like literally people, what is that show on Netflix where you just didn't have to have sex for a month? Like a month or something and you won $100,000? Oh yeah, what was that too hot to handle yeah i loved it i'm like literally that's all you have to do is just not have sex i just want to be a part like i feel like ariel and the little mermaid where i'm like

i just want to be part of that world because i'm like i'm not part of that world like people aren't like dying to have sex with me they're not dying to date me um I would like if I was in that house it'd be like don't have sex with Nicole everyone would be like easy that's not true oh wait wait wait so you're saying like you want to be part

of like the hot people privilege the hot person world I want to live in a bubble where you never have to retake a photo like you never say like let's do it again. Yeah. It's never that. Okay. I would like that too.

Just because like, it's so wild to me that the idea of like, that, that the concept of someone not being attracted to you is that like, can you guys believe we have to do this for a month, a month of people not wanting this. And you're just, it's just,

I would also like to just see that. Just feel it for a minute. Right? Like, I don't know. It must be wild. Like, okay, I was on a plane once and this lady walked on. She was the most beautiful person I've ever seen in my whole life. She wasn't famous or nothing like that.

She went all the way to the back of a plane to coach. But, like, we all stared at her. We were all like, like, I even gasped a little bit. Like, it's so wild but also i i need you to watch uh oh wait never mind i don't want to say that about the purse there's this person on the show who's wild looking and i gasped when i saw it but i'm trying really hard not to be like mean because they are people um you said supposedly they're on this show there's this one person who looks like grandmother willows

from pocahontas but she's an actual person and I gasped when I saw her I was like how do you look like a tree and you're a person I just

I love the show I wanted to be a tree so bad growing up really what kind of tree I used to eat watermelon seeds because I just knew

I just knew Nicole that it would make plant powers grow inside me and I was going to be a poison ivy ass tree bitch I just knew I was Nicole I it would make plant powers grow inside me. And I was going to be a poison ivy ass tree bitch. I just knew I was, Nicole. I used to pray. I'd be like, please, God, let a tree go inside me.

Please, please. Oh, my God. Yeah. So Mother Willow, I'm all for it. Where is she? That's so fucking funny. Please, God, make me a tree. Stand, stand right here.

That's so funny. It's like the opposite of what Jenny's praying for in Forrest Gump. Right. He's like, please don't give me wings to fly, Lord. So you used to work at a Mac counter in Nashville? Oh, God, yeah. I've worked at a Mac counter all over Nashville. Then I worked at Sephora when I met you, I believe.

I managed at Sephora. Yes, I think so. Yeah. And then, I mean, I've worked at tons of different makeup places. I've done freelance makeup, special effects makeup, many of makeups. What got you into working in makeup?

Tell me about it. Give me the scoop. And did anyone ever hit on you at like the makeup counters? Okay, let me see. So I got into it because I got into it because i loved horror movies and i i and my head that i guess that register when i was young like i knew that was

makeup like because what else would it be you know i didn't think it was like blood and stuff and so i loved that and i loved elvira and she had a ton of makeup on and i loved like ursula and i just love like carla deville anybody that had tons of makeup, I just liked characters like that. And as I figured out, oh, it's makeup, and then there's monster makeup, I just started watching. I was right at the dawn of YouTube. I started watching just insane videos of people making staples into scars and stuff. I just learned it from there.

And then literally there was nowhere to do makeup where i lived except for on ourselves so it was just me with you know black smoky eyes and then i went to college and i was like what's a mac counter and i just applied for a job there and i randomly got it and i just was there forever because they paid good and i was in college and it was like a cool edgy job to have and you and you could be openly queer there which i think is is like, people don't think about this, but retail is one of the only environments that has been around for years where they celebrate gay people at least to an extent. Like at least like you could be gay. Like you could be gay to make a counter or a Macy's, which is why when you go to like a retail store, gay people are like, I love a Jill. I love a Nordstrom.

Like it's because there's something about it. It's like okay to be like, do you like these pearls? Do you love this bag? Like, it's like, they want you to be that way. I love that. I never thought about that,

but that's true. Like, I remember the first time I went to a makeup counter, I was like, oh, I think that man is gay. I mean, I wasn't like,

oh, but it was just like, I just remember clocking it being like oh okay that's fun yeah malls are I think malls have always been like a safe space for like queers and weirdos and people who are different like punk kids goth kids

mall goss like I always thought that I spent so much time in malls like those are the people that like when you think about mall culture it's those kind of like freaks and geeks that make mall culture. It's not really popular kids. They're just there. They shop and leave.

Yes, but the... They have beautiful things to do. Yes, they have to go off and be beautiful at a party or something. Show off their abacrombie. I once had a costumer. We had done a fitting. He was the costumer on Loosely Exactly. His name was Jerry.

He was so wonderful i loved him so much we finished a fitting and he was like all right time for me to go haunt the mall and it made me laugh so hard just thinking about jerry like just like like walking around the mall haunting it i loved him so much he was so wonderful i hope he's well i hope you're well i malls also oh you asked me if anyone ever hit on me at the at the makeup counter um i would say uh oh wow good memory older oh i am i'm used to retaining the the question baby older women would i mean aggressively hit on me. Like, even like weird stuff. Like, you know, when you work a retail job, like, the only question that you were talking about with your coworkers is where are we going to lunch?

Where are you going to lunch? Where are you going to lunch? Who's having lunch? Are you having Panda Express? Are you doing Panda Express? Are you doing Orange Julius? What are you doing? Like, that's all you care about.

And so, we had a barbecue. Because it's the South. We had a barbecue place in the mall. And so, we would go there and get barbecue. And, you know, I'm just eating ribs in the mall very casually. But I would come back. I love that. Eating ribs in the mall is the wildest sentence I've ever heard.

I was just eating ribs at the mall next to the fucking Contempo. Next to Claire's, getting my ears pierced. And when I would go back you know we would have makeup appointments and I was doing this lady's makeup and she went your hands smell like barbecue it reminds me of my husband oh and I was like yeah I had barbecue um and I'm like doing I'm like blending this smoky eye out and I'm like it's always the same smoky eye they're always a Pinterest picture of a gold smoky eye we think we're groundbreaking but we're blending out this smoky eye and she's like yeah um and she you know when you're doing makeup you close your eyes well she had one eye open and she's just staring at me

with one eye and she's funny and she's like you have beautiful eyes that i can look into as well and i was like okay thank you and and it just went on like that forever and then i like when i get nervous and i'm doing makeup i sweat i can't help it so i was so i was like sweating and then i sweat on her and she like wiped her leg and she was like you're sweating and i was like okay i really had to we have to finish like we have to finish oh my god you're sweating and she's like about to fucking slip off her chair because she's coming but she was was very nice. She did tip me $50, so that was nice. Ooh, that's a good tip.

I know, especially because nobody thinks they should ever tip makeup artists for some reason. It never happens. It's funny because I feel like we think servers are the only people who get tipped.

But I'm like, no, you tip drivers and you tip, I don't know. I can't think of another other thing. Anyone who's doing something you don't want or can't do, you tip drivers and you tip, I don't know. I can't think of another other thing. Anyone who's doing something you don't want or can't do, you tip pretty much. You tip them. Like plumbers, you know, housekeepers, makeup artists, hairdressers.

Like, you know, any of those people. Tip everybody. Really, you should try if you can. Wait, Benton, we have to take a break. Okay. And we're back, Benton. Tell me how you got into stand-up. I got into stand-up, obviously, through trauma.

Originally. But I think everybody knows that so i think this is all stand-up so we don't need to talk about it um but i that and i just i loved joan rivers i would watch like my parents would watch joan rivers and i would like sneak to the end of the hallway and like sit at the end of our hallway because i could see the television and i would watch joan rivers and i just thought it was i was like she was just everything i loved as like a as like a gay southern child she had like boas on and I was like, she was just, everything I loved is like a, is like a gay Southern child. She had like boas on and sequins and like she was done up and she had these colored nails.

And she was like a, like a extra funny little Dolly Parton to me. And I loved Dolly Parton. And I was like, I was like, oh my God, like that was the first time I'd ever really seen someone be funny as like a job. Like I didn't really know that was like a skill or a talent like and so i remember being like oh every time that makes someone laugh i would in my head like even i was little i'd be like oh my god that's like like a comedian does it's a comedian and so i think i just always had that and then when i got to college i was like i'm gonna take a comedy class and it was it was comedy class yeah it was which is just you going to get the opinions of other people that

don't know how to do comedy it's you shouldn't really do it but um i just started there and then i just kept going and going and i in nashville at first i had a really hard time ever getting like up in an open mic or anything and i was only and if i ever did get on like a showcase or something it would be like a local like all women's showcase they would put me on or or something and like i've only ever opened for women before like i'd never get booked open for a man which is like fine with me i don't give a shit um but i was really hard to like get stage time because like it was like you know they want to be together like all the bro friends and like i was up there being like you know telling jokes about like straight men are weird and like that's not the vibe.

And so I started my own show. I started a show, Hateful Best Friend, which – and I just did my own show. And it became really popular. It was like one of the biggest like self-produced comedy shows in Nashville at the time. And I booked mainly women and like LGBTQ artists. We did a big like Trevor Project fundraiser every year. and like LGBTQ artists. We did a big like Trevor Project fundraiser every year. Like, and so I just kept doing shows

that were like connected to charities because I don't know, I just, that matters to me. And so that kind of, that's what kind of kept me doing comedy is I was hosting these like fundraisers doing standup and then I kept doing that and then I finally got booked at Zany's. And then you were the first time

I was ever actually booked to host for someone and it wasn't like the second choice like the first person didn't cancer or something you were my first like you were my first like they called me and said like we think you would do good with nicole's crowd it was like the first show i ever did that with well that's delightful i love that i love that you said that you tie charity to your comedy shows. I think that's like really nice. And it's really sweet. I recently did a, like a gala for the environment. I have very little information about it,

but the show truly started during the day. And it was a room that was not there for comedy. They were there to, I think, talk to each other. Well, comedy in the daytime is so fun though it's the most fun and we were outside and there was a like I held for a plane I was like should

we I guess we should just hold for this this plane and then it took it like slowed down it was like oh a comedy show is happening I'm flying over Nicole Byer let me slow the fuck down and it took so long and I was like okay and then at one point I was like I'm gonna just Nicole Byer. Let me slow the fuck down. And it took so long. And I was like, okay. And then at one point I was like, I'm going to just talk about my pussy. And then all the other comics booked on this like insane show were like laughing. But there was this one, my friend was like, there was one woman who was very angry with everything you said. And I was like, of course, I was talking about my pussy during the, as the sun set. You know, it was like a little too early for it.

You were like, God was high in the sky and i was talking about it but the tying comedy to charity i think i think you're a good representation of that as a person like i it's to me especially right now i it's really important to me to work with comics and be around comics who like care about things other than comedy if that makes sense and like i think like like like your cover you just did and and the cover story that went with it and they talked about how you were like you just doing what you do is opening doors that someone else may have the opportunity to do it and like that is to me the most important thing that any minority especially comedian and i hate i hate using the word minority because there's so many of us, you know? But like, in general, like,

should be doing, we should all be doing that because like those, I mean, if I didn't have like people like you to be booked on to host for, or like, you know, people like Phoebe Robinson or all these people that are doing like stuff to make jobs for other people, then like, I couldn't do that for somebody else.

Like someone else, like that's really important to me. And I think to this generation of comedians, that's really important. And I like, I love that change. I else like someone else like that's really important to me and i think to this generation of comedians that's really important and i like i love that change i'm like so ready for that to be like the norm of comedy to like give a shit about something yeah i mean i just like i don't know i like the older i get the more i'm like there is so much room at the table. So it's like, just like, make room for somebody else. Or, I don't know, like, somebody getting a job is not taking away from me getting a job. I already have a job, so it's like. Also, no one can do what you do.

No one, literally no one. No one has as much energy as me. It's true. It's important, though, because comedy is one of those things that is, like, out of, I mean, I know there's, like, a lot of smoke and mirrors to, like, movement sometimes. But in general, like, as far as the industry of entertainment goes, I think comedy is one of the ones that is, like, the slowest to adapt to, like, diversity and stuff. Like, we are still, like, lineups and lineups of like dude after dude and a flannel

which is i think wrong with that like they're great comedians or you know most of the time most of them but like you know in general like it's if you really go to a comedy show like nine to ten you'll hear very similar things if you hear something different that's like out of pocket about like a pansexual experience or uh you know like a black trans man like you it would be that you would be shocked you'd be like what like it would you would not be prepared that would you would never think oh a comedy show i will hear about this thing that i relate to you think you're gonna hear about you know straight relationships straight dating straight sex you know you're that or you're gonna hear like very um kind of calculated like jokes about like gay stereotypes or this type of

stereotype it's it's one or the other normally and i think that that's changing with people like you because you guys are doing all the comedians that i'm following and looking up to recently especially now is like they're doing it like they're not making a big thing they're not like today is my day where i post about politics it's just like you're being you're being extremely funny and then also speaking when it matters. Yeah. I try to like, I don't know, put shit out in the world that's like helpful. Like I learned that plan B does not work for fat women. So every time I see something that refers fat women to a different, uh, like, uh,

what is it? A contraceptive thing. Whatever, whatever plan B is called. I always like try to post that to like, make sure that my little fatties know that like you need two of them or you need this other brand that I can't think of. Um, and then I just like,

I don't know. I love posting video. I haven't done it in a while, but I like to find videos of like all comics that like maybe aren't well known and like posting a little bit of them um but it's also funny to think that like a lot of comedy shows are just the same people over and over and over again when you have like so many wonderful unique voices like river butcher on his new special uh it's like comedy central has this joke that made me laugh so hard he was like i've been to parties spoken to white women and i can talk about them i used to be one which is oh yes and it's so

funny and uh he goes into how uh he's like white women will ask what my pronouns are and i and then oh yeah i think the joke is like what are you gonna do with them and that was so funny to me and then about how they misgender anyway after they've asked for the pronoun i'm butchering this joke yeah i know the joke she's like she's a funny joke they're like her pronouns are they yeah that's what it is yeah it's such a funny joke and to me i'm like no it's not my experience i don't know about being misgendered but like you've seen that interaction happen like you've seen it happen and it's just because like just because you don't directly relate to something doesn't mean it's not very fucking funny yeah and you've also i mean and you relate in the sense of like you've had someone like

misrepresent your words or misunderstand something or try and get it wrong. Like you understand the awkwardness of it. Mm-hmm. Like it's, yeah. I mean there's so many, so many funny comedians and funny, I mean like just so many funny comedians out there. And it is, most shows are like a very, very similar run through. very similar run through. And I think it's because like a lot of the comedians

that are like don't fit into that like very heterosexual kind of like square are kind of off doing other things. Like they're also like creating their own shows

or hosting or they're involved in writing or fashion or they have multiple interests not just comedy. Whereas like a lot of, you know, like a lot of comedians

kind of dominate comedy because it is like it is their thing. Like it's what they do. It's the only thing. Stand up. It's's it and if you don't do it a certain way you're doing it wrong yeah which is interesting to me because i i like to tell stories i don't do like you know like a setup and a punch and a twist like i like to play with the format i don't know comedy it's it's also subjective like i'm I'm not going to be funny to everybody. And everybody's not funny to me, baby.

A hundred percent. Real quick. We got to take a break. I have a question. Okay. So let's figure out who you want to date. Okay, because people be sliding in the DMs after. I had someone slide in my DMs recently

trying to pass their brother off on me, to which I say, no, no, no, no. Please don't sell your family to me. I don't want it. It just seems a little weird. I'd like to find the dick on my own, you know? Okay, so describe to me, like, your most perfect person. I will say, and I don't even know if we're allowed to say this anymore,

but I'm just going to be honest about it. I am attracted to, like, kind of stereotypical masculinity. I think it's because I grew up in the South, and that kind of stereotypical masculinity. Okay. I think it's because I grew up in the South, and that was what I was around so much. Like, that is my understanding of how men act. So I think that, like, obviously, you know, I'm going through puberty. I'm finding out, you know, how I feel about men and women. And so you kind of are attracted to, like, usually, I think, what you're kind of around in some way.

But I am. I'm very attracted to, like, stereotypically masculine men. don't mean like like it doesn't be like physically really it's just like the attitude of masculinity is very specific to me do you mean like somebody who's like slightly overbearing and will order your food for you at dinner wait what is what is what someone who's slightly overbearing and will order your food for you at dinner? No, no, no, no, no. I would like consensual masculinity. Okay, so what kind of masculine? Tell me.

When I say stereotypical, it's things that I don't believe these things make a man. Like Axe body spray? Like muscles, a bigger build, a hairy chest. Things like that. To me, you don't have to have those things to be super masculine

but that's to me what is stereotypically masculine okay things like that I'm on board okay so tall muscle

the brawny man essentially I'm also not into dating which is a big thing among you know the LGBT curers is they want to date someone that looks like them

or is kind of like them in my experience I I found that. That's not me. I want the opposite. I don't want you to, we need to have different hobbies. We should have different interests. I want to have different conversations. I want to learn about what you like and start to enjoy it.

Like I want to, I don't want to date myself. That's creepy to me. Interesting. I feel like I want to date somebody who has slightly same interests as me but also like you know bring some culture to my life you know bring a little flair a little spice

to my life but like I do want to have some things in common I guess I mean like I want like we can both enjoy reading books but we don't need to enjoy the same book like the identical genres. If we do, that's fine.

But I think maybe this is just also a little PTSD because a lot of times when you work in cosmetics, people are always trying to hook you up with other boys that work in cosmetics. Sure. The last thing I want to ever do is have to talk to the person I'm dating about makeup. I do not want to talk to you about it. I don't pretend it doesn't exist when i don't have to work around it you don't want to go to bed at night with someone being like night babe i think we're out of ruby woo at the counter no that's a nightmare fuel i don't want it i love that i love that there are people that do want

that like i think that that's how i am that's me i'm not like i think a lot of time when you say that people are like oh so you don't like them you know like and that's how I am. That's me. I'm not like, I think a lot of times when you say that, people are like, oh, so you don't like, you know, like, that's not true. Because I'm super feminine in that sense. And so, like, I'm all for it. But I already am that. So I'm not looking, I'm not, like, attracted to it. Sure. Okay.

If you start dating someone, are you going to be, like, up front that you haven't kissed or how you say fucked before? Like, is that something that you would talk about or would you just like let it happen? I don't know. Is that an invasive question? Not for me. I mean, what? Okay. But I don't I don't I think I would be up front about it.

I guess it would depend on the situation. Like, I don't honestly at this point, and maybe this is just my feeling as well well like sex and that stuff doesn't feel very big anymore it doesn't feel like a big thing even though i know it is like it's great if it's not well i mean if it feels that way to someone like that's cool but like it just i think it used to feel that way to me but now it's just like even without having sex i know enough about sex that if i wanted to have sex it would not be like what do we do? I wouldn't be like confused. You know what I mean?

I understand the concept. There's nothing that you're going to like, and I'm like tricked. Like, wait, what? So I think I don't know that I need to say it. But if it's like, if it comes up in conversation, I'm not going to be like, and just so you know, this is fresh. Like, I mean, you know what I mean? Like, it's not going to be like a thing.

What a treat that would be. I would die if someone looked me dead in the eyes and said honey is fresh i would be like well now i have to marry you this is literally perfect i love it so much i will say the people that i have told in conversation like never they just they always think i'm lying. They never believe me. Then I'm just like, okay, how do I argue that? How do I be like, no, I promise. I'm just like, okay.

But no one's ever believed me. What a funny thing to lie about. I used to think sex was like the most important thing. Like, I fuck, we gotta fuck. But the older I get, the more horny I get for love. And then

a nice little treat is a fat dick in my mouth. You know what I mean? It's like, are you nice to me? Do you want to talk to me? And then do you want to put your dick in my mouth? Like, it comes third now. Right. Don't give blowjobs to boys who don't care.

Yes. If you don't care, do not bear. Do you care about dick signs? Because you said offending. Do you care about that? Okay, listen. I used to be a size queen. I used to be like, I don't like i'm tiny but i have gotten

shamed for uh body shaming yeah here's the thing now i'm at a point in my life where like i would like to get to know somebody and if they pull down their pants and it's small we can we can work there's a place called the pleasure chest where we can get a strap on we can we can work. There's a place called the Pleasure Chest where we can get a strap on. We can figure it out. Fingies are fun. Tongues are fun. Fingies are fun. See, I worked with a girl who only, she said, she only picked

her partners based on basket shopping. You know basket shopping? Looking at bulges. Yeah. So she would only, that's the only way she would pick a partner. And I was like, how does that work shopping. Looking at bulges. Yeah. So she would only, she would only, that's the only way she would pick a partner. And I was like,

how does that work? That has to be a numbers game. I mean, it has to be. Then also, some people don't have big flaccid dicks.

I was like, I was like, okay. Some people don't have big floppers. Like, what? She would tell you that,

she would go into detail about that as if she was giving a TED talk. Like, she had this secret to life figured out. Also, perpetually single, never was with anyone more than I guess those experiences. But she would let you know that's the key to finding a man.

And I was like, to stare at them? Yeah, to just be staring at their crotches. And then, I mean, if they're wearing jeans, sometimes it's hard to see. Are you only going to go on a date with someone who's wearing sweatpants? Like, ma'am, what? What are you doing? It's so crazy to me. But I did love her vivid use of the word basket shopping all the time.

It was baskets. They were anything you could really hold something in, she would refer to them as. I found it to be very fun. I love it. Very fun. A jug. Look at that jug on that man. Look at that picture. Look at that fruit on that man. Look at that picture.

Look at that fruit bowl. Ooh, look at that cup. That's so funny. That's truly so wild. Okay, well, if you are tall, masculine-leaning, not into makeup, maybe like football, get into Ben's jams yeah i sound i truly sound like one of those horrible people that's on grinder like no fats no films but that's not i'm not

sound like somebody who went to the party on january 6th in washington dc because i would never ever be like get away from me I would never that's just not the vibe I just am those things okay I am the fat I am the femme

one and done one and done darling I think it's so funny when people are like no fats there's this one guy

on love is blind his name is shake he's he was like he he kept asking people if they like worked out and he was like uh can i put you on my shoulders at a game and someone was like yeah i mean if you could do it he's like would i be able to do it he's very intent on finding i know finding a thin person on a show called love is blind i'm like honey you signed up to maybe end

up with a fat but netflix they didn't they they only had one little chunk um and i don't think she found anybody um but it was just so funny to me my favorite thing of whenever like um like reality dating shows have like one girl who has like an ass and they're like she's the fat one she's the fatty mcfatterson that's that's she can barely fit the door that one you're like, she's the fat one. She's the Fatty McFatterson. She can barely fit through the door, that one. You're like, what? She's going to have trouble here. She's too big.

Yeah, and they're always like, I don't know. I just want a small girl. That girl just has hips. She's just, I don't understand the problem here. I want to see a reality show about love where all the contestants look like they should be on TLC. I would watch that. There was one called Big Love,

which I don't think you could find anymore. It was on Hulu. It was on Fox. And it was plus-size women where instead of their name and occupation, it was their name and their weight. Can you even? And they were all vying for the love of a man

shaped like a potato. He looked like Mr. Potato Head through and through. And these women were like, I don't know if he's gonna like me. And I'm like, girl, you could find any old potato anywhere. A lot of the women were like i don't know if he's gonna like me and i'm like girl you could you could find any old potato anywhere a lot of the women were like this is my last chance i love it was so wild and i loved it i i mean bring back that reality television to me bring back big love bring back the swan where women competed for plastic surgeries bring back next i want next to come back next is is so funny. Next is so,

the concept is next, like the pitch meeting for next, where someone is like, so we're going to have three random facts that literally no one would ever want to know about someone. And then immediately when you step off the bus, you can next that motherfucker. Next him.

Next. Oh, it's so funny. And it would always be like, you know, Joey only wears women's gap cargo pants. And you're like, okay. It's like, you know, Joey only wears women's Gap cargo pants. And you're like, okay. It's like, okay, Joey.

There's a lot of pitch meetings I would love to be in. Well, Benton, we've reached the end. Oh, this is so fun. Thank you for doing this. Okay, I usually ask all my guests this. I did go through a phase where I stopped asking because I was like, I'm going to change stuff. But I'm right back to where I started. Would you date me, Benton?

Would I date you? Yes. I mean, yeah. If I was into women, I would date you in a heartbeat. What are you talking about? Thank you. Thank you. You would be so fun.

You are so fun. You're hilarious. And you're going to win an Emmy. So that's basically an ego. And I're going to win an Emmy. So that's basically an EGOT. And I would like to be signed up for that marriage. That's so nice. You know I'm not going to win as long as RuPaul

is nominated. Which is fine. It's been a fun tradition to dress up and lose to RuPaul. And I hope I get to do it again this year. Listen, you're going to get it. I'm telling you. It's an EGOT, baby. Girl. Alright. Well, do're gonna get it. I'm telling you, it's an EGOT, baby. Girl, all right. Well, do you have anything you want to promote?

I have the middle of, what is it, where were we in July? Yeah, the middle of this month, I have a really cool merch collaboration coming out with Crystal Draw Stuff.

It's like a fun, cutesy punk collection that's all based around mental health. Aw. Yeah, it's all about being different and mental health. It's like a fun, cutesy punk collection that's all based around mental health. Aww. Yeah, it's all about being different and mental health. It's really cool. And we already talked about my Patreon, which is at Ben Ray,

and my podcast coming out later in the year, Hateful Best Friend, so that'll be fun. And that's it. I love that. Well, if you like this episode of Lava Shaming, you can like me, you can rate me, you can subscribe on iTunes or Apple Podcasts or whatever the fuck it's called. And then if you write an email to whywontyoudatemepodcast at gmail.com and write something nasty hitting on me, I will read it. So this person said, I want to dress us both up in antennae and b-w wings and drizzle you with honey,

making sure that none of you gets in your puss. Thank you. I would lick all the honey off your body and call you my queen bee. Then I would wear a strap on backwards so it would look like a bee stinger. Then I'd fuck you with my stinger dildo while you scream, pollinate me, daddy. After you come, we'd have honey nut Cheerios,

then watch The Secret Life of Bees with Jennifer Hudson and Queen Latifah. Oh, hell yeah. Hope that was nasty enough. I'm asexual. That was very funny. All right. Bye bye. Bye.

That's it for Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solo-Taroff, and Jeff Ross. Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream.

What a dream. Ha ha ha. This has been a Team Coco production.