Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - The System is Broken (w/ Lilly Singh)

Episode Date: April 1, 2022

Comedian, actress and YouTuber star Lilly Singh (A Little Late with Lilly Singh, Dollface) chats with Nicole about April Fools' Day pranks, setting up a vision board in her shower, her experience hosting a late night talk show,  and offers her tip for getting dates on Raya. Meanwhile, Nicole tries to apply to the Soho house.  Crazy dating story? Looking for advice? Want to leave Nicole a dirty message? Submit it all to [e-mail] for a chance to have it read on-air.   Black Lives Matter. Click here for a list of over 100 different ways you can support racial justice.   Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: linktr.ee/nicolebyerwastakenTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerNew Merch!! podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me and Nicole Byer tries to figure out how I'm still single, even though you could charge me $100 a gallon for gas and I'll say, hey, that's fair to me. My guest today is a comedian, actress, YouTube star, TV host, author.

Her new book, Be a Triangle, is out April 5th. It's Lilly Singh. Hello, hello, hello. Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi. Thank you so much for doing this. Of course. Thank you so much for having me. I'm already obsessed with your energy, so this is going to be great.

Oh, boy. I have truly the most energy. I die every night. I'm so tired all the time. I relate. People look at me strangely. You know, they're like, what is your deal? Like, they probably think I'm on a lot of things, but this is just me.

This is just me. Yeah. People a lot will be like, so like, do you drink during the day? And I'm like, oh, no, this is my normal. So drinking is, you know, a little amped up. Absolutely there. Right there with you. I get a lot of the, like, squinty.

I'm like, so what is your secret to success? They're expecting me to, like, reveal something. Like, no, this is just me. This is just who I am. This is it, baby. So this is April 1st. Obviously, we're recording a little bit before april 1st but you know it's this april fool's day yeah that's right april fools and this is kind of my birthday

to be honest because everything in my life is no but just everything in my life is a joke you know what i mean but i feel like i stopped celebrating april fool's day as a child do people still do this in adulthood? People do. And I don't know if I've told this story on this podcast, but Sashir Zameda, one of my dear, dear friends. She's my best fucking friend. I don't know why I'm pretending like I have other friends. She came to my job.

I was working at the UCB Theater at their training center. She came in and she said, Nicole, I i'm like really nervous and i was like wait what happened she was like i'm pregnant and i was like oh no because like i knew she was dating at the time and it was an oh no no it was a situation no i'm kidding it probably would have been fine but uh i was like i will come with you we will this out. If you want to have it, I'll help you raise it. And then she was like, April fools. And I was like, I'll kill you. I'll literally murder you.

This was, I, oh, she got me good. It was really awful. Absolutely how someone could be murdered. Absolutely. I'm right there with you. But also like what a good person you are. If anything, I've learned that you're just a great person. I will help you raise it.

Girl, that is a commitment. In that moment, I was like, if she needs me to babysit while she goes on voiceover auditions to be the new voice of Verizon or whatever we were trying to do at the time, I will be there. I will help her. She can take her own baby while I'm auditioning. I was like, we're going to be parents. You're going to help her get those Verizon bags. That's a good friend. You know, I was trying.

I was like, you know, we've got some big auditions coming up and maybe they'll work out and we can take care of this baby. Look at you now, taking over the world. Oh, trying. So have you been April Fooled? I honestly don't remember the last. I get April Fooled. You know how like brands always come through on April Fool's and they're like,

LOL, our new sandwich is made just of gold. Like, I believe that every single time. So my favorite brands are out here fooling me. But otherwise, no. You know the thing with brown people is like, we're too scared of playing pranks on each other. Because we believe in karma and we believe in like just bad things coming around to us so my parents would never play a prank on us because they'd be like touch black now touch black touch wood knock on wood um okay tell me about your new book which

is coming out april 5th it's called be a triangle tell me a little bit about it. I will. I will tell you a little bit about it. So, you know, like a lot of people, I had a rough pandemic. I think most people can relate to this feeling of being like, what is my life? What even happened? I don't know who I am. I went to a really deep kind of dark place where it was beyond just my schedule being empty and me being bored. I really felt like I lost value. I was like, oh, if I don't work, then I'm not worth anything. And I actually am ceasing to exist as a human

being. That's how I felt, truly. And I realized that's because I associate my value with external things, with work and with traveling and with awards and all this other stuff. And with all that stuff gone, I was like, oh, my God, I'm a shell of a human. So Be A Triangle was my attempt to do the work that I never was encouraged to do as a kid, to really figure out, like, what do I care about? Not what people tell me to care about, but what do I care about? Who do I want to be? Where do I want to go in life? And the reason I called it Be A Triangle was because I concluded I needed a strong foundation in life. And structurally, the strongest shape in the world is a triangle because of its strong foundation. So I thought, I'm going to build my life like a triangle. And so that's where Be a Triangle came from. I love it because triangles are sturdy. The pyramids

have been around for a minute. That's what I'm saying. And guess what's leaning? The Tower of Pisa. The proof is there, 100%. And I had a lot of people be like, are you sure you want to call the book Be a Triangle? It's kind of confusing. I'm like, no, Be a Triangle. I'm dying on this hill. That's what I want to communicate. It's Be a Triangle. We'll figure it out.

And so it's kind of like a deep spiritual book. But let me just be real with you, Nicole. It's not like you have to do these 50 things now to be a better person because who has time for that? Not me. It's about organizing what's already there so it's about like your relationship with yourself your relationship with the universe how you view things that are already there it's not a whole bunch of work it's just thinking about things differently i think that's very helpful for people to just like i mean that's what my therapy is for me it's just like we're not trying to change you we're trying

to get you to accept yourself and think of things a different way. We're trying to approach something a different way. So I love that. I think that's great. I love that you're just documenting personal growth. Yes, yes, absolutely. Because you know what? I'm not even going to say because of the industry we're in.

I'm like, I know you know it can be crazy. You can have days where you're like, this is the best day ever because things are going well. And then the next day it's like, oh, I'm actually I've just hit rock bottom because everything fell apart. But I think that's for most people is we we just go in whatever direction life kind of pulls us in. And so this is my attempt to being like, no matter what happens tomorrow, I have a place to return to spiritually that will not be impacted by the successes and the failures and all the other stuff. I love that because I do personally, my mood is affected by what's going on in my life. And when I feel like I'm not doing anything, I'm sad. And I'm like, oh, I'm not creative.

And it's like, bitch, you are creative. You are busy. You're just not at this moment. Exactly. We love to define ourselves so easily. Like you're this, this, and this based on this, this, and this that's happening. We don't give ourselves enough grace. Honestly, I've concluded we do not give ourselves enough grace. We don't let ourselves be human. is a lot and I could use help and that would be beneficial to my life just to have a little bit of help and that's a hard thing to do to be like oh I don't I can't do all this by myself anymore I'm tired because you have to let go of control then and that's who wants to do that who wants

to let go of could who wants to are you ready for this compromise oh god this it scares me I mean it is scary like saying it out loud it's like oh yeah i don't want to compromise because i'm used to doing things a certain way and used to feeling a certain way and oh boy yeah we look everyone learns to compromise because they have reached their breaking point that's the reality that's when i learned to compromise it wasn't because one day i was enlightened and i was like you know what this? I was like, no, I'm actually, my legs came off. So now I need to compromise because I cannot carry on. I cannot carry on doing what I've been doing. Yeah, that's how I feel sometimes. Maybe I gotta read your book.

Yeah, and it's short and it's cute and has illustrations. What's not to love? I'm putting on the hard sell here, baby. I love this. Audience. It's short, sweet. The front's got a foil design. Production value. Come on. People, when I released my book,

they were like, huh, it's a lot of pictures. And I was like, yeah, I'm a visual person and you don't want to read my writing. It's all over the place. Also, like, I don't think this gets talked about

enough. Books are hard. They're so hard. This is my second book. And after my first book, I was like, this is never going to happen. I'm never doing this again. And then when they came around and asked me about the second book, of course, it was a pandemic. So I was like, oh, of course I'll do this. I got pushed into a corner. Life cornered me. They bullied you. Yeah, books are hard. Yeah, truly. I just, it was truly wild trying to like write it and fly around and do shows and be like, oh yeah, I have a deadline where I have to fucking turn in something. And it's like, what am I turning in?

That's what it feels like. It does feel like school. Yeah. And, but you know what I will say? And then I'll, and then I what it feels like. It does feel like school. Yeah. But you know what I will say? And then I'll shut up about this because I really do believe this. Out of everything I've ever done in my entire life, and I'm being so genuine. This is not even for promo. I don't even care.

This book has helped me more than anything else I've ever done in my life. So I actually feel like it was not a waste of time, energy at all. The things I write about in my book, I use everyday-ish in my meditation like it has actually helped me so so much wait you meditate i do i i have to i have to oh meditating so scary to me because i'm like uh-oh like think of nothing but people have been like no it's not that it's like you just like let the thoughts come but then i'm like if i let the thoughts come then then I'll start thinking. And then who knows where I'll be. Can I offer you a reframing of mind that helped me? Yes.

It's not. You're absolutely right. Everything you said is correct. But for me, meditation, all it is is spending quality time with myself. Ooh, baby, I love that. So I have learned that if you think about things and you can't stop, it's okay. As long as you are listening to yourself, you are making time for yourself, and you are valuing that relationship you have with yourself, then it's fine.

Wow. Yeah. I like it. Thank you. So you did. Wisdom, baby, wisdom. You got your start on YouTube. And what led you to YouTube?

I'll be real. When I started YouTube in 2010, I had no plans of it going anywhere. Like, I was not out here like, I'm going to be a YouTube sensation and this is going to be my career. No. I had just discovered YouTube. I saw people making just, like, straight-to-camera videos in their houses, talking about whatever they want. And I thought, this is really cool. And I'll be real.

I was really sad at that time. You know, I was getting a degree in psychology. I was doing whatever everyone else wanted me to do. I was doing everything my parents wanted me to do. I was following my sister's footsteps. I was not passionate about any of it. And YouTube for me was just like, oh, I get to be creative and do what I want to do. That's what was appealing to me about it. And then I built a community and I built an audience and I got obsessed with just how creative it let me be. And so one video led to another and to another and it snowballed into this career

that I am not at all prepared for and did not study for. And I didn't even know how to use a camera or edit or write a single thing. And I just taught myself all of it. That's truly incredible. Like, I feel like when people ask me for advice, they're like, well, how do I do entertainment? I'm like, people ask me for advice they're like well how do I how do I do entertainment I'm like you just gotta fucking do it and figure out what what you want to say and how you want to

do it and I feel like we're in like such a like a golden age of like there's so much fucking content so like and there's people looking for it absolutely so yeah I always tell people too like I know it can feel like things are so saturated right now. Like, how can I make something new when so much stuff already exists? A big part of what I did, if it can be of any advice, is just to like break the rules. You know, I came up on YouTube, a place where there's no gatekeepers whatsoever. And I would have never gotten into this industry if I went through the traditional route of a casting agent. And I lived in, I was born in Canada, Toronto. I wasn't even in the center of entertainment. And so I'd say just

break the rules. Think of your own way of doing things and take that path. You are, you're the first woman to have a late night talk show, yes? I, no, not the first woman. The first woman in 30, over 30 years. Okay. And the first, these are all these technicalities to the headline. It's the first South Asian woman and the first openly queer woman.

Ah. So there was a woman of color like, I think 30 years ago. Ha. Yeah. Yeah. The first woman

in 30 years. In 30 years. In 30 years. We couldn't find another. That's, I mean, that's such a fucking long time.

I mean. I know. But still, that's like really fucking incredible. And that went for two seasons, correct? It did. It did. It went for two seasons. And I just did a TED talk about the experience of being a late night show host. Yes. And I'll say this. It has taught me so, so much. Disclaimer, disclaimer, grateful, grateful, so, so good. But also it was the hardest one of the hardest things i've ever done that first season of late night was pretty torturous to be honest it was emotionally spiritually physically more draining than anything else i've ever done i think it's really interesting when how do i phrase this when you have dreams and dreams are achieved and the dream achieved is not what you expected it to be and

and doesn't necessarily it's not necessarily as easy as you thought it would be and you're like fuck is this what i actually fucking wanted like everything is a double-edged sword i've got you know the crazy thing about this is nico? So I'm going to be really honest with you. My dream was always to get into entertainment. My dream was never to be a late night host. And I always tell people, when they approached me, many people asked me in interviews, did you grow up watching late night? And I always very honestly tell them, no, I did not. Because my parents never watched late night. Because my immigrant Indian parents would never understand any of Jimmy or Seth's or other Jimmy's point of views. They just wouldn't. They would not relate to that. And so I didn't say yes to that opportunity because it was a huge dream of mine. The real

reason was I was like, yo, over 30 years and I could make history here and I could help pave the path for someone else. I have to say yes to this because it could easily go to someone else where this history is not made. And so I felt the pressure of paving the path for a community. What I was naive about was that that feeling would help me through seasons and seasons of just like labor because it would not. It would not. If you're not passionate about it, it's really, really hard to pull those all-nighters and put in that work. Yeah. I feel like if you're not passionate about it it's really really hard to pull those all-nighters and put in that work you know yeah i feel like if you're not passionate about your job just in general then that's what it becomes it becomes like a job and you're like fuck when is this gonna end i don't want to do this yeah i mean you don't want to think like that about a job that's literally 14 hours a day

for like three months that has no resources that's a tough that's literally 14 hours a day for like three months that has no resources that's a tough that's a tough situation to be in we're was nbc i mean i don't want to i don't want you to bite the hand that feeds you because i don't think that's fair um so we can you know cut into this or whatever but uh did was did nbc push back on like creative or things that you wanted to talk about? Yeah? No, no. I was going to say I appreciate this question.

I appreciate you giving me out, but I won't take the out. I'll really honestly answer this because I think it's an important – you don't have to edit this out. I think this is an important conversation. I have to give a huge shout out to NBC because they did try something new. They did be like we want a new voice. The issue is not necessarily with NBC. They did be like, we want a new voice. The issue is not necessarily with NBC.

The issue is with the greater system of how these network shows function, of that the 1.30 a.m. time slot show is given the 1.30 a.m. budget. Now, that doesn't work when you're trying to champion a new voice. Because when you're trying to get the audience used to something new, you need a bigger budget. You need at least to be on par with the shows in the time slots right before you you know what I mean if I'm being compared to Jimmy and Seth and my budget is 120th of what their budget is like that's a tough position to be in so I think it's shout outs for trying to raise a new voice but the system is not set up for that voice being supported and that's where the issue is that is interesting because yeah it's like if you are trying new things, you do need a little bit more money because it's like. And it's not even money.

It's like the money also is like, OK, so we have a little bit of money. So that means we have to shoot 96 episodes in three months. So that means that my show was the only show during a global pandemic that was not talking about the pandemic because it was pre-taped episodes because we had to shoot like that. So it's like, that's also not great for a show. Then it even goes to like the media. So often in like news coverage roundups, my take would be excluded from those roundups. Even if there was like about women's issues, it could literally be a topic and they would have like all the other male late night hosts and their takes so there's a little bit of this system is broken when it comes to championing new voices i mean thank you for speaking to that because it is like it is a uh it is a touchy subject criticizing your

employer being thankful while also being like there is nothing it was like everything wasn't perfect and like i said i still have a first look deal with Universal. I still really love everyone I worked with. But I feel like it is my job, being who I am, to be like, I need to show you where the system is not working. Or else what would I be doing to ever progress this forward? And it's not even coming from a place of like, I hate them and I'm bitter. No, it's a, I want us all to be better. Yeah, let's all rise up and fucking, you know, figure this shit out.

Yeah, so it's not another 30 hundred years before the next one comes through. Real quick, we have to take a break. Okay. We love breaks. And we're back. So this is a love and relationship podcast i am on the apps and i just am exhausted that which apps are you on though tell me break it down oh baby she's on tinder she's on well i ended my raya membership because I was like, what's the point of paying all this money for nothing? Hinge. OkCupid.

Coffee Meets Bagel. I got back on even though I do not like it. Never even heard of some of these. Bumble. Well, have you never been on the apps? I have. I've never heard of Coffee Meets Bagel. It's dumb. You gotta get beans to spend beans. I don't fucking know.

Sounds like, what's that? What's Farmville? Is that the, that's what it sounds like. It does sound a little bit like Farmville. It's like I'm harvesting my beans to find a man. Yeah, it sucks. So wait, what apps were you on? So I've tried Tinder.

I've tried Bumble. I've tried Raya. Here's the thing about Raya. Let me just break this down real quick. Raya is the industry app where you have to be somehow connected to the industry. You have to be accepted. It's very exclusive. You have to be accepted. But here's the thing. You will match with no one on Raya. Raya is a status symbol. No one is swiping through. So I have learned that when I was on Raya, what was really successful for me was if you pay $1.99, you can direct message people and

you don't have to match with them. It goes directly into their inbox. So if you're willing to just make it rain $2, you will actually connect with people. That is the way to do it. That's it? $2? The choice is yours. But otherwise, I always tell people, if you're just trying to match with people by swiping on Raya, no, that's not going to happen. The last time I matched with someone on Raya was a couple months ago. And maybe it was like sometime last year. And we exchanged, I think, two or three messages.

And they were a business owner. And I told them that I liked their business and I frequented it. And then they unmatched me. What? And I was like, but why? What kind of customer service is this? Right? I was like, the customer's always right.

Yeah. Excuse me. And also, here's the thing about Raya as well, is that, let's be real, they're all industry people. You can't use your phone in Soho House. That's where they're all at. That's why Raya's not popping. Wait, you can't use your phone in Soho House? I don't like Soho House because every time I've gone there for meetings, I don't have a Soho House membership. I'm not that fabulous. But you go there to take meetings, you're not allowed to use your phone. One time I walked in there, I took out my phone to be like,

hey, I can't find you. Where are you? They said I had to go outside. I was like, this is counterproductive. I'm trying to find someone inside here. Wait, that's fully insane. Now I'm looking up the Soho House because I need to know how much the membership is. And you have to be accepted as well. You don't just play. You have to be like, submit why you are worthy of soho house oh yeah it's a whole thing this is nuts okay so if you don't know soho house is this fucking place in like west hollywood there's multiple all over the world yeah there's one in i think soho new york is where it like originated this is a venice one too yeah so like okay so here's their mem we bring creative people together from around the world so

you like apply for this global fucking membership where you can go to different soho houses and they have like uh they have like a pool and a restaurant and people do meetings salads more salads no phones though wait this is so insane so you could get a different, so there's Soho Friends membership that you get access to studios, members only bedrooms, sounds kinky. And then there's a workspace one, and then there's cities without membership, join a creative community. What is that? So if you live in a place where there's no Soho house, you could get a membership for what? Yeah, for when you travel, it's all bougie. And because of this podcast now, neither of us will ever get a membership. And that's just what it is. This is so funny.

Okay. I'm looking. Okay. Every house, I'm doing this. This is what this podcast is about. Me trying to get into this Soho house. Okay. I'm not under 27.

How would I like to pay? Annually. Or never. How much is it? Do you see a price? This is $4,243.63. And then a one-time registration fee of $689. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Lily! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I, that is full- You need to take that money. Think about how many direct messages on Raya you could send with that amount of money. I could send 4,000 direct messages. Oh, wait, no, 2,000. 2,000 direct messages if it's $2.

Just divide that bitch in half. Oh, my God. I am literally floored. $4,000. Nothing is worth $4,000 a year just to go to. Nothing. Because you still have to pay for the food. Absolutely.

Lillian. Okay, but wait. Let's rewind for a second. Let's rewind for a second here. Tell me about the dating app experience. What is the vibe? What's the situation? We got derailed.

So lately on all of the apps, gentlemen, people, ladies, people have been reaching out and being like, hi. That's it? Yeah. and that's it yeah and sometimes i'm just like if you're reaching out why not say more like hello i went fishing today what did you do i don't know i don't fucking know what anybody does they're half shooting their shot hoping that you shoot your shot instead of them having to shoot their shot you know i feel like everyone's just putting forth a very mediocre effort to to date correct i feel like during the pandemic people were like i need to find love i am so fucking lonely and isolated and now that it's still going on but we

are coming out of it a little bit people are like i don't fucking care. I'm here to fuck. Yeah, dating apps are not great. They're not great. No, they're really awful. It's the opening lines. It's either it's all or nothing. It's either the extreme of like, here is my body or... Hi. Yeah.

There is a man on Twitter. Oh, no, girl. You trying to meet people on Twitter, girl? That's a whole different thing. No, I just really love him. He'll say things like, I want to sit on your face, or I want to stick it on your butt. And they're so, like, bold and brazen,

and I'm just like, I fuck with that. That's because it's a 10-year-old in his mom's basement. That's why. That's why he's bold. Do you think it's a child? I mean, probably. Oh probably oh my god i hope not also this person they're like a little creepy they have like screenshots of like videos where they're like kind of grainy and they're like you look good here and i'm like oh my god am i like your spank bank this is you're like um sir this is me in my living room from 20 minutes ago. How did you get this? Are you outside my home?

That's sweet. I would not like a stalker. Just specifically because I don't have the bandwidth. Do you know what I mean? It's like, oh my God, you're outside my house again? I don't feel like calling the fucking cops. And the cops won't do anything also. That's the sad part. And my studio and my studio's falling apart sorry one second and then you're gonna have to

be like oh he was threatening me to stalkers are a lot they're too much work and have you had one i've i've had my i've had my experiences with some stalkers i don't i don't usually talk about them publicly because i don't want to encourage people to do this type of whack stuff. But I've had my fair share of situations where I'm just like, you really learn, again, talking about broken systems, there's not many resources for someone being stalked. Interesting. Unless you're like, yeah, they put a gun to my head. Oh, God. No one will take you seriously beyond that, truly.

I don't want that that's what i can't imagine someone putting a gun to my head that like that's not my vibe i'm not like not what i'm going for yeah fair you know what fair okay here's a question so when you were like coming up and like blossoming because you've like a huge following on Instagram and you are like legit very famous. Did you ever have like old people be like, I don't know who you like, like dismiss your success because it was made in a nontraditional route? I still have that till this day. Even till this day, I'll see comments being like, oh, my God, but what do you even do? What are you known for?

Like, how did you because people can't comprehend the come up. It's like if you didn't come up through a movie or TV, then. So I still get that till this day. And that's just a product of being from the digital space, honestly, is that till this day, people don't want to give credit to people that did it themselves because they don't think that's valid. Interesting. And to them, I say, I'm too busy to reply to you because I have 16 projects I'm working on. Which is one of them is the new Muppets project for Disney+. Yes, baby.

That's fucking exciting. It's pretty dope. So are you like a big Muppet head? So I'm going to be honest here again. I'm much more familiar with the Muppets than I was with late night TV. I've shot with the Muppets before as well. I did grow up with them. But what I like about this is that there's like four humans in the show. I've shot with the Muppets before as well. I did grow up with them. But what I like about this

is that there's like four humans in the show. I'm one of the humans. And it's like I've never seen the Muppets with a very diverse cast to be honest before. So I feel like it's kind of cool to be involved in this.

And this is a fun fact. The first thing top left on my vision board is Disney+. Really? You have like an actual vision board? So girl, let me break this down for you. So I'm so serious about manifestation and visions. My and I'm not this is not a joke. This is just a fact. My vision board is in my shower. Wait, really? It is. So last year, I didn't feel like I manifested enough. I didn't feel like I connected

with my goals because my vision board was in the back of my closet because vision boards are not the most aesthetically pleasing. My home is full of neutrals. And I was like, this can't be on the wall. Someone's going to F up the vibe. So I put it in my closet, didn't see it. And I was like, this is not going to work. This is not going to work. So I taped it to the outside of the glass wall in my shower. So now every day-ish when I take a shower, I stare at my vision board and it has worked wonders. I feel like I've manifested so many things since January. Interesting. So I used to write all my goals in my planner, my day planner, but then I have since transitioned to the fucking 21st century or whatever century we're in. 22nd? What century is this? I don't know how

that works. I don't know how this works. I don't know how it works. I don't or whatever century we're in. 22nd? What century is this? I don't know how that works. I don't know how this works. I don't know how it works. I don't know what century we're in. Oh, no. And this is where I lose my mind. I just spiral out. I'm like, I don't know what time is.

But I started doing like a digital, like a Google fucking calendar. So I was like, well, I don't want to write my goals in it because it's a shared calendar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So maybe I'll write down my goals and like like, put them in my wallet or something. Yeah. Or honestly, why I like the vision board, I mean, to each their own, whatever works for you. But I like seeing the things. So I would, like, Photoshop myself into scenarios I want to be in.

So I can actually see myself there. You know how to Photoshop? We got Photoshop. Girl, you can get a 30-day trial. I don't even know how to photo. I guess I could figure it out. You don't have to do it well. You could print and cut and paste then, you know?

Whatever you need to do. Okay, so who's your favorite Muppet? Ooh, I've shot with Miss Piggy before, and she's kind of queen. I love Miss Piggy. She's a queen. She serves. She's got the attitude. So iconic.

I love that she bosses around Kermit. Are they still together? I don't know, but having said that, I she bosses around kermit are they still together i don't know but having said that i also really like kermit the kermit meme was one of my favorites that's none of my business that was one of my favorite moments in internet culture for sure for sure that is funny i feel like kermit was just on i can know the fucking? Probably. Where are they not? I don't know. The Muppets are everywhere. That's exciting.

I love that you manifested the fucking Muppets, baby. I did, baby. I did. Okay, you're also a founding member of LA women's soccer team Angel FC. Yes. So there is a women's soccer club in L.A. now called Angel City. And there's a bunch of dope investors that founded it. So it's like Natalie Portman, Serena Williams, like dope, dope people.

And altogether, we are just supporting this team. And the season starts the end of next month. So I'm super hype about it. So wait, do you play soccer? Oh, hell no. So I'm not good at sports so i figured the way to get involved is to be a part owner of a sports team and as opposed to being on the field i get it an owner of the team i was confused i love watching soccer because it seems fun but like it's not for me it's a lot of running i feel like i would be winded i quit smoking

january 3rd it's a struggle every day but like i think my lungs would still be like bitch this is hard here's the thing if i would be good at soccer if there was no running and no stamina if it was just the kicking i feel like like aim I could handle. It's the endurance that I'm not confident in. You know, you feel me? Oh, absolutely. The endurance is something that like I genuinely, truly believe would kill me. Absolutely. I would die. Correct. Lily, can I ask, are you single, taken or care not to share? I care not to share. And I'll tell you why. Every part of my life is on the internet, and there are some things where I'm like, I don't need y'all's opinion about this one.

This I like. Yes. I could use some boundaries. Yes, my therapist says they're called boundaries. In my last session, my therapist enlightened me, and she said, are you ready for this, Nicole? She said something crazy to me, because I was talking to her about this interview I did and how this interviewer like came out of left field with this question that I was so unprepared for. And my therapist said, are you ready for this? You know, you could say that you

don't want to answer. And I was like, what? I have choices? Lily, this is something that I deal with constantly. Yeah. Sometimes people blindside me with a question and I go, um, um, um, until I answer it. And then later go, oh, can they take that out? Yeah, 100%. And I've learned that they'll never take it out. They'll say, no, thank you. You have to address it in the moment.

And I'm sure you can relate to this. As a woman that is also a minority, I always will get the tough questions. You know, for Canada's Got Talent, I'll give you the tea here. For Canada's Got Talent, I'm a judge on Canada's Got Talent. And it's me, it's Howie Mandel, it's Trish Stratus, and it's Cardinal Oficial. And I am, you know, one of the only two people of color, and I'm the only woman of color on that show. And so I got prepped for these interviews, and they're like, this is going to be easy peasy. They're going to ask you about some of the acts.

It's going to be super, super fun. I'm like, cool. Second question in, first interview. What are your thoughts on the hijab band? The hijab band that's happening. And I was like, it's not that I don't think this is important. I would love to have a critical conversation. But this outlet where I have 30 seconds to answer and it's in between us talking about dog acts and, like, other things is not the place that I feel we can do justice for this topic.

So it's not that I'm trying to, like, skirt and I don't want to talk about important things. It's just I want that conversation to be set up for success. But it never occurred to me that I could say that until my therapist was like, you have a you can draw a boundary. And I was like, what are those? But I feel like as a lady identifying person, when you put up a boundary and go, oh, I don't care to share or I don't care to answer that. People kind of like blink at you. And then you're like, oh, shit, am I an asshole? Am I a bitch?

And then you self-doubt that see i've gotten good at boundaries i haven't gotten good at that second part because 100 after i said a boundary i'm like i'm a mean person am i mean should i apologize should i apologize for the boundary i think so i don't shake hands anymore because i i actually don't see the point of it like we're joining hands for what who feels better do we know each other more are we happy or what who fucking cares so when people stick their hand out i like raise mine i go don't do that anymore and i'm like ah and then they're like i probably shouldn't do it either and i'm like yeah we made a joke but i have not figured out how to go, I don't want to answer that. I just, ugh.

Maybe I should just do that. 100%. It's hard. It is. It's very, very hard. Real quick, we have to take another break. What's one of the worst acts you've seen on Canada's Got Talent? So it's premiering. Well, this comes out on Canada's Got Talent? So it's premiering.

Well, this comes out on the first. It premiered on March 22nd. So I can say that some of the acts that were really tough, and I'm going to be real with you, girl. The hardest part of being a judge is you see some people up on that stage who have hard lives. You know, it's the single mom. It's the person who's blind. It's the person who's like, has such a challenging time,

but it's like a beautiful story of perseverance. But then they start doing their act and you're like, oh, it's not good. It's bad. It's not good. That's the toughest part. It's like having to tell someone like, I think you're so strong and you're so awesome

and I'm sorry your life has had this experience, but I'm going to now X you and you cannot move forward is like it's just I've seen we've seen some we've seen some bad comedians we've seen some singers that was just like we've seen some talents where I'm like how did you even know this was a talent like it's so random you're breaking things on your foot like well how why that's I never thought of that aspect where it's like because you like see the packages and you're like oh yeah that is sad but then to be in oh yeah you don't you know that the judges we don't know anything about the person coming on so they don't tell us anything we're

seeing you for the first time damn so in real time you're seeing us be put together like this person could probably really use our support but is their talent worthy of the support oh wait I feel like I'd spend a lot of time being like okay so like I'll be your friend but like uh you can't sing again please never sing again the first episode straight up me beating around all of the bushes I was like listen I think you're so great. And honestly, like, I would love to hire you. In fact, I will pay you for my next party. Unfortunately, you will not move forward because of me. But also, I want to be your friend. And I'll follow you on Instagram right now. Like, 100% doing all of that. But then I got used to learning, like, no, you need to believe in what you say.

And again, boundaries goes back to boundaries. Yeah, I've judged a couple episodes of Drag Race. And in the moment when someone hasn't done a great job, you're like, huh, I can't look this person in the eyes and be like bad. Yeah. Just bad. There's nothing redeemable about you. So you like have to think and be like well what is a kind thing i can say before i say something maybe like destroying yeah um yeah i i could never go on one of those shows it's tough it is really tough something i learned from howie

because howie's a little bit ruthless he will just straight up destroy people's dreams on that stage. But what I learned was that actually to give them critical feedback that can actually use and implement to improve themselves is actually the nicest thing you can do to help someone. Because the cool thing is we had so many acts come back being like, I actually got rejected several times before. And then their acts were amazing because of those rejectments those instances of getting rejected so that's where i tell myself at least that i'm helping people by giving them criticism i mean yeah you're doing the lord's work just being like here's some constructive criticism try again tomorrow we're trying um okay i need some constructive criticism about my dating life okay so my profile currently has

i haven't done this in a while so we'll do my tinder my tinder has okay hold on let me find it okay so it's just like a cute little picture of me outside, like outside. I'm wearing like a cute little outfit. Cute, cute. One where I'm squatting to show my butt. As you should, as God intended. Me doing a split on a hot dog held by Guy Fieri,

just so people know, you know, she's fun. And she's famous. Got you. Yum, yum, yum.

Okay. So then I have a mirror selfie with my hair done wearing a home alone shirt um and then a picture of me holding a dog because you know my dog is very very cute absolutely part of the relationship right and it's like you're gonna have to meet him you're gonna have to get along with him absolutely and so i have had this this little uh like bio thing for a while it says definitely a thought the happiest out there i love to teehee fat yet flexible and i'm thinking maybe i need to like i don't know change it it's been a minute does it feel like you it does feel like me but i'm like

so then it's perfect okay here's the thing you don't want someone to come across your profile and even doubt can I handle all of this you want someone to be confident in this you need to let them know what's up right I'm a big believer of that you don't want someone to come through with their weak energy and inability to handle all of this. They need to know from the jump what this is. That's my opinion. I think you're right. But also I'm like, maybe I'm doing something wrong. Can I ask you, would you say that you're actively looking for a relationship? I think so.

Okay. And when you say actively, does that mean that you're on the apps is that what you mean by that i guess i'm not i have been like rather busy lately that i'm like if i were to start dating someone right now i don't have the bandwidth to like get to know somebody and like which is an important thing getting to know somebody yeah maybe the universe is just telling you like this is not happening right now because you yourself this is not right for you right now maybe yeah okay so i asked people uh to give me advice and i don't have too much advice from people but this nice person said hey nicole i've been married for 23

years so i've never used a dating app i do think you might be missing out on some real gems about your two interaction without asking to meet up rule how about saying something like i like to get to know people in person so these dumb apps do you fancy meeting up with someone or meeting up to see if we like each other's pheromones or they run away it wasn't meant to be even the date is terrible at least you have something to talk about on your podcast people who are a bit shy at first but in real life would light up around your personality. It might take longer.

It might take a while longer to pluck up the courage to ask you on a date. Huh? Maybe that is a thing. What is this two interaction rule you have? So I do not let people go back and forth for more than like two or three interactions because I'm like, well, if you're never going to ask me out,

then what are we doing? I don't want to, I don're never going to ask me out, then what are we doing? I don't want to pen pal. I don't want to get to know you via words and text because you might be very witty texting or whatever and then like dull in life or vice versa. That's interesting. I have to say that I have met up with people after messaging them for like a month or more. A month?

Yes. Yes. Because like travel schedules didn't line up or whatever. But I will say I'm going to just say two words to introduce you to why people might be cautious. Serial killers. I feel like people are scared to meet up in person because people are crazy. Nicole, people are crazy. people are scared to meet him in person because people are crazy. Nicole, people are crazy. And maybe they're trying to gauge if people are going to be serial killers or not,

which I think is a little fair. I guess. I guess I'm just like, guys, I'm like a round-faced idiot. Like, I'm not a killer. I don't have the mental capacity to murder. That's what a killer would say, though. That's what a killer would say. A killer would say exactly what you just said. So.

I guess so. I just, like, I feel like I look too adorable to worry someone about murder. Also, I'm fat. Like, there's no way I'm chasing you anywhere. Oh, my God. Stop. I encourage you to look up pictures of serial killers. A lot of them are really cute.

Really? Yeah. Oh, I guess that Ted Bundy man, people were like, oh. There you go. But he was, to me, he's not that cute. really yeah oh i guess that what that ted bundy man people were like there you go but he what to me he's not that cute but if he was like come look in my car i'd probably be like oh okay because there you go so i just say give people some grace because again serial killers okay well like how do you i do you hit on people i mean is again it's too personal, feel free to not answer. No, no, no, no, no.

So I only downloaded dating apps after I came out. So I came out at the tender, sweet, little age of 30 as bisexual. And that's when I downloaded dating apps. And it was my first time messaging girls. And it was a struggle for me because straight up I was like, I've never done this. I'm pretty sure the first girl I messaged, I called her sis. And I was like, no, done this I'm pretty sure the first girl I messaged I called her sis and I was like no bet but I yeah I um I'm not a fan of the game to be honest the whole like I'm gonna drop a pickup line and like show you I have game no I'm

just really about being honest so I like my pickup line is usually like hi and like if I was to message you I'd say hi Nicole how are you how was your day and I would start a conversation and that's kind of my thing and I'm also not about the game of after I go on a date with someone I don't feel the need to be like now I need to front and make them seem like I'm busy for two weeks or not if I had a good time I will tell you straight up I had a really great time and I'd love to see you again see you again like I don't have the capacity for the game yeah I and it's funny as a woman you saying that because I've had men on the podcast who are just like you gotta get a man to chase I love the chase you gotta make me want it and I'm like I don't need to make you anything you need to figure out that complex on your own that sounds like a you problem not a me problem

to be honest oh that's so okay so coming out at 30, so was it something, I mean, I don't want to be like, is it something you always knew in your heart? Or did you wake up one day and you're like, I like women too. But like, yeah, 30 is like, I feel like a lot of late in life, I feel like a lot of television presents late in life. It's not even late. It's like mid-life coming out. It's oh my god my like girls where it's like i feel like i i mean i'm a try i don't give a shit like i find everyone attractive and i think everyone is pretty to

somebody and i'm not gonna have a binary keep me from true love or companionship. But like I've been like that since like my early 20s and maybe in high school. I was like, look at that. Them titties. Was it like a movie? Was it one day you woke up and you're like, yum? Or was it like you felt like that your whole life and then you were like, I'm going to act on this? Yeah, that's a good question. You know, I feel like after I came out, there were some relatives I had that were like, yeah, no crap. And I was

like, really? Because it was a surprise to me. It was a surprise to me because I think growing up in Toronto, you know, I didn't know a single queer person in high school. I didn't there was no queer people. So I think I always knew in me that like, oh, I really do get close with girls like I do with guys. But I never understood it beyond beyond that because I only ever had dated guys. And then in university, again, I was introduced to the first queer person I'd ever met. And I was so unlike this person because growing up, it was always like either you're super straight or super gay. I never had met someone that was in the middle. And I never was introduced to the idea of people being on a spectrum until I moved to L.A.

So when I moved to L.A. and I met just a whole new range of people in this new ideology, that's when I start to really think like, oh, maybe this is my truth. So it really was like in my late, late 20s, me saying to myself and figuring out, I think you are bi. Because prior to that, it was like, no, but I don't, I don't think guys are gross. Like all my lesbian friends and like my straight, but Like it was just so opposite ends of the spectrum. I couldn't find my place. So I actually did come out to myself 30 days before my 30th birthday. Oh, that's for the first time to myself.

That's like a movie. Yeah, like a movie. Legit. I almost kind of wish I had the really rigid clarity from a young age because that would have like eliminated a lot of me always trying to piece together things that I just couldn't put my finger on. Mm hmm. Yeah. And I I think sexuality is such an interesting thing because we have so many names and terms for it. And then you have like the don't say gay bill in Florida, which is so weird. Oh, my God. Because I'm like, so we need to get it together. Florida, like seriously to get it together florida like seriously get it together florida fuck i was once last time i was in florida i watched a man

drive on the divider and i was like there's nowhere in florida you need to get that fast yeah for you to not be on the street people florida is just it's a different fucking world we we just need them to leave uh but it's just so interesting to me that it's like they don't want kids to be exposed to like homosexuality, queerness or whatever. But it's like Disney movies are all about like a gal getting kissed by a dude. And it's like you push heterosexuality on children. 100%. That's why anyone that has an issue being like, I'm going to say this how it needs to be said. Anybody who says, oh, but kids are too young to learn about this stuff, you are homophobic.

And that is just really what it is. Stop trying to mask your homophobia as my kids are too young because your kid watches Disney. Your kid watches heterosexual stuff all the time. So get it together. And also, how fragile is your straightness? Like, how fragile are you straight people where you have to introduce a don't say like if you think hearing the word gay is going to make people gay, you are fragile. Yeah. And then it's like, what if you see your queer teacher out at a supermarket and you say hi and they're with their partner? And does the teacher have to I mean, I guess you're not in school, but like if you get questions, do you have to be like, that's my friend.

Yeah, we share a room, but that's my friend and my roommate. Like, I'm just so confused. I went to my fourth grade teacher's wedding. You know what I mean? Like she had the class there. So it's like I saw a man and a woman kiss and in fourth grade and I'm fine. It's so nuts to me. And another thing to think about for parents,

and I have to say this with a grain of salt, I don't have kids. So I don't know what it's like to have kids. Let me first say this. But I do know one thing is that if you try to introduce your kids to the concept of accepting people at a later age, how is that in any world beneficial? Why would you want to wait to teach your kid to be accepting? Like, oh, now that you're 18 years old, now I can let you learn that you should accept other people. That's 18 years that you've damaged them already. So why not just from a young age teach kids to accept and love people? Maybe they're just like, I don't want school to undo the hatred I'm instilling in my child's heart. Exactly.

But it's like, they're with you enough. So like, if you're a hateful person, like I don't think anything at school is gonna deter them from being hateful. Exactly. Because people are like, this next generation, there's gonna be no like staunch Republicans or whatever. And I'm like, well, how do you think they're made?

It's perpetuated by families and parents and environments that they're put in and all white country clubs and you know shit being said behind those doors or whatever yeah so i just get so confused about like what the fuck we're doing like it's just yeah it's just ridiculous it's so fragile i can't i'm like i can't even i can't even take it seriously it's so fragile like the straight pride parade that they tried to do i'm like you are fragile wait oh my goodness i knew about a straight pride parade that they tried to do i'm like you are fragile wait oh my goodness i knew about a straight pride parade isn't that just life the exact two years ago in

response to like gay pride parade a bunch of straight people were like we're gonna have a straight pride parade i'm like isn't that tuesday yeah that's like any day that's like um what you majiggy uh fucking saint patrick's day is like a straight pride parade privilege is a real thing y'all you need to get get together it is interesting that people don't understand privilege i saw on like instagram it was just like hey cis people cis hetero or yeah i think it was cis hetero heterosexual people uh describe your gender without using masculine feminine or describing your genitals it's hard and i was like huh what is what is gender what is i was like construct yeah i was like why don't we all wear dresses and heels and makeup if we want to or pants and button downs and cut all our hair i'm

like why don't we all just do whatever we want wow as we should yeah wouldn't things be so much easier i think so i think so too i just okay willie i need advice how should i go out into the world i should be direct with people i want to date i pivoted back to dating so i have to be direct i Should I be sending the first message? Should I be waiting for the... Why not? Absolutely. Yeah.

Why not? Okay. All right. I feel like you will have no regrets if you are honest about who you are and what you want. Okay. I have never regretted a moment where I was my true self and expressed what I really wanted. I think you're right.

Mm-hmm. I've only regretted the times I didn't do that. Hmm. I'm trying to think of times I've regretted things in my life i have adhd so very often i'm just like that didn't what i don't know i don't remember i uh i think i was mad but uh who fucking knows that's there's a beautiful silver lining in there somewhere. Okay, so Lily, we have come to the end. Your book is out when? Yes, my book comes out April 5th. You can preorder it for the next four days or on April 5th.

You can get it anywhere. You can go to lilysinghbook.com to get it. I love it. Do you have anything else you want to promote? I just want to promote you and how awesome you are. I would like to promote Nicole. She's great. She's on Tinder.

Humble. Humble. Bumble. Hinge. And all the things. I would like to promote her. If you are looking for a woman who can hold her own,

baby, you need to hit up my girl, Nicole. Okay? That's what's up. Lily, thank you so much. So my book and Nicole are my two promo items.

Yeah, I love that. I'm a promo and Be A Triangle is another promo. Okay, so thank you, Lily, so much for being here. Thank you. If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it, you can rate it, you can subscribe. You can give it five stars on Apple Podcasts.

And then if you write me a dirty message and you write it to why won't you date me podcast at gmail.com i will read it so okay this person said you me and five of my closest little kittens oh i take two frozen gogurts and put one in your butt and then one in your puss puss until they're all warmed up and i'd ring a little a little dinner bell and say dinner my kitties i'd have you squeeze that yummy hot go-gurt out from my hungry little litter. Yum, yum, yum. Oh, boy.

That makes me upset because I don't think cats want that. I don't. Why do we have to involve the cats? I don't know. What do the cats do? I guess they were misbehaving. Peeta's going to be pissed about this. Let me just tell you.

Oh, I don't need PETA coming after me. Yes, exactly. Keep the cats out of it. Okay. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. That's it for

Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer. Why Won't You Date Me is produced and engineered by, oh, the sweetest woman I know, Marissa Melnick. It is executive produced by other wonderful people, Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotaroff, and Jeff Ross.

Thanks for listening. I love you. Thank you so much. We'll be seeing you next Friday with a brand new episode. What a dream. What a dream. Ha, ha, ha. This has been a Team Coco production.